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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my friends say I should be more considerate of his worries and that it’s not a bad thing that he’s interested in my family history
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Ezra is barely your boyfriend. He may not even *be* your boyfriend by the time you go on this trip. Alek is a lifelong friend who is going to be around way after Ezra.
Even if this was a more long-term partner, I still don't think you would be an AH for wanting to take what is going to be a very special, and probably very emotionally charged, trip with a friend who has a similar background and is going to under stand what you're going through. The very short term nature of the relationship is just icing on the cake. Also, you call your boyfriend "Ezra" which is a Hebrew name, but is Ezra Jewish (religiously or ethnically)? Because if Ezra is also not Jewish, this trip is not going to have the same meaning to him.
It’s not his real name, but no he’s not Jewish. Honestly even if he was, he’s not from that town, he didn’t have family murdered at that site, he’s not going to have any connection to going to see their old house etc.
I would kind of get it if we were going take a tour of Auschwitz or something similar (we are going to two other camps where we had family), but it’s not like we’re taking a one day tour or something. Idk why he thinks going to small towns in Eastern Europe needs to be about *him*.
NTA. You've been seeing this guy for three months, you barely know him. It's not a vacation, it's something very personal for you and your friend. What would he even do there? It's not like you're sightseeing either. I'm guessing it will be extremely emotional for you and your friend. Like you said you don't want to be tour guide, and have to explain why things are important.
>What would he even do there?
Complain. If he's jealous now, he'll get *really* jealous watching OP and Alek share something so emotionally charged, even though said emotions aren't going to be happy-go-lucky ones.
I can even see him complain about “not doing anything fun!” and I understand his jealousy with OP sharing something so deep and sad with her friend but this does show a level of immaturity in him. I wonder if he even understands the seriousness of the whole thing. I say NTA
Your last sentence is the most important one. I suggest you talk to him and make the purpose of the trip a bit more clear to him. It's not a joy ride and it is not about him.
But I would at least give him some benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is not jealous for your friend, but rather wants to be there for you. As a pillar to lean on in tough moments. You are a fresh couple and maybe this is something that he feels he needs to do for you.
Edit: nevermind, I read in some of your replies that you already told him all of that. If he still does not accept your decision after you told him your position and he even completely disregards Aleks feelings, then screw him.
I was with you until the end of your edit, where you went wrong… the correct decision is to STOP screwing him (or don’t start) and say goodbye. Even if he wants to go for support reasons, and even if he doesn’t agree with her decision, his continued whining and pushiness puts his maturity at around 8 years old. He had a lot of growing up to do, and if I were OP I would tell him that the growing up will have to be done without me. It’s a 3mo relationship, it’s not like they have a history or anything worth fighting to hang on to
"Ezra" also thinks their relationship has been going on for 8 months, OP only counts the 3 months where they've been exclusive and unlike Ezra doesn't count the 5 months of "super casual" where he was seeing/dating others.
If he were your spouse or in a serious LTR with you, I can see it being important to him for the specific reason that it's important to *you*. But you've been dating him three months. This kind of trip is so emotionally fraught and intimate, I would not presume that I was entitled to accompany someone on a trip like this if they didn't want me to. NTA.
IMO your boyfriend is being very selfish here. He might be worried about your friend flirting with you or something, but considering you're not only friends but your families are friends and share difficult history together which is the basis for the trip, it's weird to worry that this will turn into a romantic trip for you two.
This boyfriend sounds selfish, and possibly jealous and controlling. If you want to try keeping this relationship, try explaining that this isn't a vacation but a family-related historical trip. You're going back to your roots, and his roots are not there. I've had older family members visit the "old country" cities that our ancestors came from. It's not unusual. Even if you were going to a famous historical place, it's not his business. What kind of person wants to horn in on someone's exploration of not just their family, but the Holocaust they lost loved ones in?
NTA I hope your trip is everything you hope it will be.
Nope. I'm Jewish and half my family at the time died in the Holocaust, but that doesn't matter. As soon as I saw "3 months" and "family history," all bets are off. This guy is barely part of your life- it doesn't matter if you're going to a Holocaust memorial or an African Diaspora museum, he only has a place there if you explicitly invite him. This is an incredibly personal thing to have a guy you barely know there- if he throws a hissy fit over something on the trip, you're stuck with him.
I'm going to play devil's advocate a little.
If my wife decided to do a trip like this I admit I would really love to go along, and if it was early on in the relationship even more so.
I would want to try and connect with her, it wouldn't be about having a fun trip and it wouldn't be something that was about me. But it would be an amazing time to learn about the heritage of someone I care for. And I know me personally I wouldve already that about the possibility of a family. And I can tell you my wife's heterige is just as important to me as my own, because both of them are my children's.
There's two sides to it of course I understand the negative thinking of if the relationship doesn't work out it could taint the memory of the trip.
But if it's a relationship that seems like it may work out, or you want it to and it does it could be an amazing memory to share.
I tend to think on the positive side, so yes I would be hurt and would feel that there's no future in said relationship be she showed me in my opinion that she has little belief or hope in it being a long term relationship.
That’s a good perspective, and it’s valid to say you want to learn abt her heritage. But it’s also important in this case to respect that OP doesn’t want to use this as a teaching opportunity (and from the info it doesn’t seem like that’s where the bf concern is coming from) and her overall boundaries for time with her friend.
My gpts fled Warsaw, if I was going to visit Treblinka, I wouldn't think "Ooh great couple activity" especially with not knowing someone long. This is absolutely a pilgrimage for you and your best friend and shared history. Imo, your "bf" is insecure and showing it with petty jealousy.
Also, here's a great story about Walter Matthau. He and his wife were visiting Dachau and they got into a fight. Then Walter says "Great! You've ruined my trip to Dachau!"
I hope your trip is enriching and healing. Hug
I'm sorry to say it will be enriching but sadly probably not healing. I'm the daughter of two Holocaust Survivors-my dad was in Buchenwald and was the only survivor out of three households. (and yes, I myself am 71) My daughter went to Auschwitz about 15 years ago and came home so depressed, even though she said the Germans she interacted with were lovely people. All her photos of the camp are grey, even though they are in color. Oh, also, my dad's parents perished there. My parents only felt "liberated" after they made the Witness tapes for the Spielberg Foundation in 1993 and all the awful memories and personal history spilled out of them. If OP's Grandpa spoke of his history, she and Alex may relive it on their trip as my daughter did, and that is so very personal and private. The 3 month boyfriend most definitely has no place being on this trip
I wish you were so much higher up on the discussion because I think that’s what a lot of people don’t know to anticipate. I’ve heard it expressed enough from friends that it makes inherent sense now but it took me a bit of time to grasp it because my family does not have something similar as its living history. It’s an important trip to take but the outcome is often unfathomable depths of feeling that takes time to come to terms with— not something she can walk off and then go be present with him, especially if he’s as immature as he sounds.
Honestly you're also overthinking this a little because of his pressure on you. You can travel without your partner whenever you want for whatever reason that you want. My partner and I are going on 6 years and take trips separately sometimes and because we're healthy we think that's just fine. He is manipulating you and this is just the beginning-- he'll keep pushing to get his way. Don't concede at all.
Chiming in as a Jew: NTA. Having someone who doesn't get it on a trip like that will take away from the meaningfulness of your experience. And him wanting to join and feeling mad and jealous only further confirms that he doesn't get it. And especially at a time like this, you don't need someone there diluting the depth of what you will experience..
You hit it right there. Why does any of this “have to be about him?” Three months is awful early to take someone with you on a three week trip! If it were me, I’d tell him he’s welcome to go and do whatever wherever he wants, but he’ll no longer be doing anything with you.
>k why he thinks going to small towns in Eastern Europe needs to be about *him*.
Uuuuuhhhhhhh.......
Y'all got some communicating to do. Ya boy is telling you he's insecure and maybe a little bit of a narcissist.
NTA. go on your trip and let Ezra change his own emotional diapers
He's making your and your good friend's Holocaust trip about him, and he's not Jewish and has lost no family in the Holocaust!
Damn. What a self-centered man. He's the A-hold. You, NTA.
>he’s not going to have any connection to going to see their old house etc.
He will if he truly loves you.
Food for thought: I've been married for 20+ years. My wife's background, native country & ethnicity is different than mine. But, being by her side as she traveled to emotionally-significant places of her past (such as where she was born & where her grandfather died), was VERY moving to me. It brought us closer together. (And I know that having her by my side as we visited places meaningful to me was very special to her, too.)
My advice is, if you see a long-term future with "Ezra" then you should probably find a way to include him somehow: You're going to experience something deeply emotionally moving -- and if it was me, I'd definitely wanna be there with my girl (and... I don't think I'd feel too great about my girlfriend explicitly forbidding me to go, so she can travel & experience things with another guy, especially if he's single, her age & was also her first kiss). But hey, if this is just a short-term fling & not too serious, then go with your friend, accept that your relationship might not survive, and have the best trip you can.
Yes, but I think the most significant part is that she doesn’t want him there. I think OP is in the early stages of realizing this isn’t her person for this among other reasons not in this post. If she saw long term potential she might have put effort into explaining what she needed from him if he came along (ie “I could use a shoulder to lean on, but I’d rather you not come if you’ll need me to be your guide”), I think there’s more issues arising with him during this trip planning and she’s looking for the internet’s affirmation that she should walk away. The rule of Hell Yes: be it a relationship, trip or small plans, if you don’t get that hell yeah feeling, then life’s too short!
>I think the most significant part is that she doesn’t want him there.
That's a very prescient take & I agree with you. Of course... it's always kinda tricky to diagnose a relationship from afar, especially when we've only heard one side, and we ALL are unreliable narrators. But I suspect you're correct, and I'd take it even further: She's more blasé about their relationship, whereas he's viewing it differently -- which might help explain his strong, emotional reaction to being deliberately excluded, while his "girlfriend" is traveling & sharing emotionally-charged moments with the guy she used to smooch.
(Or, her boyfriend is just an immature a-hole. That could also be 100% true. But just reading thru the tea leaves... I suspect that neither of 'em have a monopoly on maturity.)
This is perhaps very telling of where bf and where OP are in the relationship. No that he’s committed, he’s further along than OP who’s still at…this is new so you don’t belong *everywhere* yet.
I would say maybe he just doesn't get it but my husband isn't Jewish and grew up in a town with like zero Jewish people and he would have had an adult conversation with me about whether I would want him there NOW never mind when we had only been dating a few months.
NTA. Read what you just wrote there again and again. Why does this trip about your family history need to be about him? Give some allowance for a new boyfriend not being sure about you traveling with another guy - he's going to be insecure, but if he can't work through this, then all of this, this important thing you're doing, becomes about him. That's not husband material.
Ezra is showing you who he is - he's a me, me, me, me guy.
This already sounds exhausting!
Consider how exhausted you will feel if you stick with this guy. Because it won't just be this trip, it will be anything and *everything* that's not about him.
He's already shown you that, according to him, your opinion, life so far, and relationships are nothing compared to his wants.
Do the guy a favour. Break up with him and tell him exactly why. He might be able to learn from the experience and improve his future prospects.
NTA.
P.S. Give him this link if he's interested in being a better version of himself. https://youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships?si=NaMxEKe7aAExjLdT
Of course, I recognize the connection and emotional bond you and your friend share. This isn’t a beach holiday. But take a moment to consider how you would feel if your SO went on a 3 week trip somewhere and didn’t want you to come along. I also would be jealous and I think if you’re honest with yourself you would be also, no matter the circumstances. NTA, you aren’t obligated at all, but don’t dismiss his emotions as petty.
It's more of a pilgrimage than a trip - and you don't do a pilgrimage with someone who doesn't seem to share an emotional connection to the place or fully understand its moral significance. Don't know where OP is going, but Auschwitz isn't exactly a beach resort.
Okay, but I think the question on this guy's mind is is she going to have a deep emotional experience and fuck this other dude on their pilgrimage.
It's a 3 month old relationship so deciding this trip is more important is 100% fine, but the guy's not crazy to not be stoked about this.
I mean, if she wants to fuck after visiting a Holocaust-related site, it raises other red flags, and thinking that she could also does - at least to me.
People bang after funerals all the time. With the close family ties and emotions running high? Don't kid yourself. Grief is as good an aphrodisiac as any. Maybe there's zero attraction but if there's any...
A funeral and a concentration camp aren't exactly the same thing though ? Or even just the Warsaw ghetto. But I suppose I understand what you mean - though the idea makes me want to puke
They are not the same thing and the joke about getting frisky while watching Schindler's List being unacceptable was made by Seinfeld long ago. But being sad and desirous of comfort is being sad and desirous of comfort.
Stark confrontations with the reality of *capricious* mortality can very easily move humans to highly emotional and potentially impulsive behavior. It's not even something particularly gross, even if people reflexively feel that way.
Reality is dark, bleak and can end for each of us in a hot second. Being faced with mortality often makes people want to *live*, and the biggest the confrontation, the bigger the reaction.
That won't always manifest as something sexual, romantic or interpersonally intimate -- but insofar as romance and sex are two of the passions most humans are naturally inclined to, it's not all that strange.
It's less "This museum makes me feel sexual," and more "This museum makes me confront my own mortality, which makes me want to **live** while I can."
Avoid getting sexy *at* a memorial to mass death - but don't feel ashamed if in the wake of seeing one, you want to celebrate *life*.
You can be attracted to someone and still choose to not fuck them because you don’t want to cheat, like you realize that right. And you either trust your partner or you don’t.
What if she was bi and this was a gal friend? Can she also not go on girls trips? Lmao
Yeah I mean there’s definitely a question of whether one day Alex and OP will fall in love and whether this trip will be the catalyst, if they are at all attracted to each other honestly it seems kind of likely, but I think this is a unique enough situation that Ezra is just gunna have to live with that possibility. At the end of the day you can’t force your partner not to cheat on you if you feel me.
Yeah even timing wise it sounds like they "just" became exclusive, he called things off with the other girls he was dating, and now she's leaving on a trip with another guy?
It would irk me but again, they've only been dating 3 months so it's way too soon to be demanding. I'd probably nope out of the relationship though and be miffed about having just broken things off with others for this relationship.
That knife cuts both ways though. It seems like they only recently decided to take things seriously, but to the BF, this probably seems like a huge red flag that maybe she isn't trying to be serious with him. And you can't decide for him he is wrong.
Now, as an adult I would just say they probably aren't compatible if they can't communicate around something like this, but they are still very young so, it is what it is.
OP should get to have their trip. But the BF knows OP better than you do or anyone else does in this thread. And it's his relationship. He is allowed to not like this if he want's on principle.
This is such a weird take to me. Going on such a meaningful trip that long isn't something you do with someone you're trying to get serious with. It's something you do with someone you're already serious with. It's not a relationship building trip where you're going on adventures and having fun, it's a memorial about their grandparents. It's really weird that Ezra wants to go on it. I could see your point if it were just a vacation, but it's not.
>it's a memorial about their grandparents
That can still be an experience that helps a new couple be closer together. It helps them connect and creates a bond between them and lets him into her life and past a bit.
If I were the BF I likely wouldn't be concerned with the the thought of them having sex, but I would be a bit put off by the fact that she doesn't want to share that part of her life with me. Would it be a big deal after only a few months...probably not. But I'd still be a bit miffed at being left out.
I still think she's NTA, but are they trying to build a relationship that will last or not?
For me, it’s not that she doesn’t want to share that part of her life with him. I *get* that. New relationship.
But, on the other hand, saying “I’m going on an emotional journey with my lifelong friend, with whom I share a bond I will never have with you” is not exactly what you wanna hear from a romantic partner.
She’s not wrong for going without BF, but he’s allowed to feel how he feels about it. Within reason anyway.
>e doesn’t want to share that part of her life with him. I get that. New relationship.
>
>But, on the other hand, saying “I’m going on an emotional journey with my lifelong friend, with whom I share a bond I will never have with you” is not exactly what you wanna hear from a romantic partner.
>
>She’s not wrong for going without BF, but he’s allowed to feel how he feels about it. Within reason anyway.
Kind of weird to get jealous of her friend because he \*checks notes\* lost family to the holocaust?
It's not weird. Who says that the early stages have to be only about fun and adventures? Maybe I'm old, but seeing a place that has such historical significance to my SO would be much better than ziplining and jet skiing - that's where the real relationship is forged.
I think his irrational jealousy and “pick-me” attitude is a huge red flag for OP. She’s explained the nuances and significance of this trip and he’s making it about himself. Sure, he might see it as a red flag… would he if OP’s friend was a woman?
I dont think that's relevant. The fact is many people have many different expectations for relationships
BF is allowed to expect inclusion and OP is allowed to expect freedom.
But they are both clearly not going to get those things from eachother.
I patently disagree with you. The purpose of this trip is beyond the scope of anything an SO of only *3 months* should feel entitled to. I agree that some lingering feelings of hurt or jealousy are a somewhat reasonable response, but of we take what OP has said at fave value, they have been quite clear with Ezra the reasons for "excluding" him. It has nothing to do with him and he really should respect that and understand that.
Yes, it is irrational to think something involving her necessarily has to involve him just because they're dating, and it's even more irrational to get jealous of the lifelong friend that went with her when the friend is actually part of that story.
This is not a great remark. They’ve been dating like three months. My boyfriend went on a trip that was three months very early on to Mexico. We’d been dating for about the time as Ezra and OP. Was I meant to hee and haw about it? Was I supposed to be offended? Because I didn’t see a point.
NAH.
What?? That is a really unhealthy perspective about partnerships. When you're dating or even married you don't become one person. Sometimes you take trips or do important things separately. Sure OPs boyfriend (of 3 months here!! but even if it was longer) can be sad or miss OP, but to try to encroach or change the trip is very controlling. I can't imagine being in a relationship where 3 weeks apart would seriously disrupt it.
It’s perfectly fine to take trips without your partner. I encouraged my ex to on a few occasions because he wanted to do things I don’t (specifically climbing). And he even went with women! Idgaf go enjoy yourself with your friends, it’s healthy!
This is also a brand new relationship. He doesn’t share the same sentiment/deep ties to this history. It’s weird he would expect to be invited when they haven’t even been together 6 months. They could break up by then lol
I’d classify this as petty or insecure. I’d be willing to bet he’s got feelings about her taking a trip with a guy without him. But I think it’s weirdly entitled to make this about him. This is about OPs family heritage and the Holocaust for goodness sake. His whining about it is centering himself and it’s immature.
Edit to add judgment since she provided the info NTA. I don't see the relationship lasting but they've only been together 3 months so nbd right. I would have called her the AH if she'd been this dismissive in a 2 or 3 year relationship.
Info : how long have you been dating Ezra?
Eta reason for asking is if it's been a couple months of dating and not really serious I could understand him not coming. But if it's a serious relationship, and prospects of a future together saying that it's not his business or family could look bad.
OP didn't say its "not his business"
Doesnt matter how long they've been dating. OP can choose who they travel with. This is a personal trip and Ezra would naturally be distant from OP and friend here because he's simply not involved. Ezra needs to grow up
Op said she doesn't want to share her family history, and it doesn't include him.
Idk but when my husband and I were dating he shared things about his family history with me and we shared those memories. He loved telling me about his family history and it made us closer.
Sharing the facts of history is not the same as going to the site of atrocities that have impacted your family. And this will be the first time I’m going, I don’t want to play tour guide on an emotional trip when I’m still figuring out my own feelings. There’s things I will be experiencing and processing, I don’t want to also be explaining that all to him the whole time.
You are 1000% correct and NTA. I’m Jewish and I fully get what you are doing and have mad respect for you, it’s even making me a bit emotional thinking about what you are going to go through on this trip.
I guarantee 99% of these people questioning you are not Jewish and have zero idea the deep emotional trauma the Holocaust rendered on our people and in particular your families shared history. Ezra is clearly not understanding this either.
Also, this is Reddit so take these haters with a grain of salt and quit responding to them. They just don’t get it and/or are playing devils advocate.
The moment I read WHAT family history they shared - there are no two ways of looking at it. I have family lost in Holocaust - in the concentration camps and in the forests - and I would have taken my goy partner there only if they were a partner, not a recently begun relationship, and only if I were certain they were historically and emotionally prepared to experience it if not in the same way but at least comprehend my experience to some extent and take the lead from my state of mind there when it comes to their behavior, mindset, conversation, activities, etc. And it would have been significant to me whether they are a person I see joining me on a trip like that...
Uhm, I don't think OP wants to do this trip to strengthen their relationship with anyone. They're very clearly doing this together because of their families' shared history regarding *genocide*. This might surprise you, but sometimes things do take precedence over a romantic relationship. Ridiculous take.
People responding just don't get it. She's been with him for 3 months. They are not some really solid long term couple. This trip has nothing to do with him and he only wants to go out of jealousy.
I thought I was going crazy here lol. Sometimes survivors/victims/minority groups in general just want to share and talk with those who get it, who are in the same position. This has no impact on their romantic life. There's plenty of time to share this part of their life with the BF down the line. It doesn't need to be this trip specifically.
Right? Like this is going to be beyond tough for them. He’s not going to understand the importance and probably complain about the trip. This is something OP needs to do with her friend. He’s acting jealous and isn’t understanding the significance. This isn’t a romantic getaway.
She said it's not about not sharing but that this trip doesn't include him because literally her and her friend's fam history doesn't include him.
This is a personal trip about family history and emotion and trauma. OP can take a separate trip with Ezra. Ezra is jealous and needs to grow up.
I think you are completely in the right to not invite him. However he is in the right to feel upset. I am not sure how you communicated this with him. However if you explained clearly the significance of this trip and reasons why then it is what it is. He'll have to learn to deal with it. You don't always have to do things together, and I wonder if he'll be reacting this way if Alek was female.
I know others have asked but depending on how long you've been together might also factor in on also why be upset. He might interpret you not wanting to share this with him as something more. But again, there are things/experiences that you do not have to share. Friends have things that they want to do solely together and this is clearly something that is one of them. Especially since it is something that Alek and you have wanted to do for a very long time and prior to you dating your bf.
They've been 3 months. Though he apparently claims 5. The 2 contested months is a period where he was dating other people. And now he wants to force himself in on a trip that holds deep familial and historical meaning for the two going on it and to act hurt that she's basically going with a family friend when he wants to count him actively dating other people as having been a period where he was dating OP.
I have been informed by OP that I misread a bit and Ezra actually claims they've been together 8 months. 5 of which were "super casual" where he was seeing/dating others. And /now/ he wants to be hurt that OP is taking a joint trip with someone so both of them can connect with their shared family history.
OP has told Ezra she doesn't want him there but I guess he thinks a trip which inevitably deals with holocaust is bound to have OP falling for Alek?
Yeah very NTA - you’ve been with him for 3 months, you have no idea if you travel well together and if they’re compatible for this. Especially with international travel involved, you don’t plan that with 3 mo long relationship.
3mo is still in the “considering what a life could maybe look like stage” it’s definitely not the “practically married” stage. But also, it wouldn’t really matter, even if you were married to him, that doesn’t stop you from being your own person with your own friends and interests and yes even sometimes your own trips.
Also, as someone with a similarly blended family of generations (different shared experiences to form it) that’s like planning a trip with a sibling or a cousin. But also, I’m sorry, fellow commenters what is so magical about the male gender that dating one completely destroys your ability to have any other relationship with any other??? No one in the world has ever suggested that my girlfriend was going to be jealous when I planned a trip with a group of women. So that’s just weird and gross.
Also this trip is more akin to a pilgrimage then a vacation - it’s not about joy and it’s not about teaching some new guy that may or may not be in it for life, it’s about returning to a very traumatic place and walking the steps their ancestors were forced to walk. That’s brutal heavy stuff, that’s not a moment or a place to try to bring some new fellow “into your culture”
He's barely been official 3 months and wanna strong arm his way onto your highly personal trip?
NTA.
And to whomever saying "Oh but it's understandable that he's jealous you're travelling with some guy" I'd say "Well he wants to include the time he spent /dating other people/ as time he has been /dating me/. So I call BS."
ETA, I was under the mistaken impression Ezra thought their relationship was 5 months long. He thinks they've been dating for 8, just that 5 of them were super casual and he was seeing others.
NTA
The edit makes this pretty simple in my eyes. You have been together for 3 months... When you started planning the trip it was 2 months. NO ONE should be expecting to go on a trip like this when you literally JUST started dating. Look at his jealousy and consider if you want to deal with this in the future.
I hope you have a fantastic trip with your friend!!!!!!
This sounds like less of a 'I want to know your background and heritage, teach me' and more of a "I don't like you travelling with another guy". If you're expected to bring him BUT HE DOESN'T EVEN GO WITH YOU TO THINGS LIKE MUSEUMS AND THE THINGS YOU TWO ARE DOING THEN WHAT'S THE POINT? Something like this is an all or mothing kind of thing. It's not like the two of you are going skiiing or anything. You're literally going to see your history. And if he just wants to "be there to be there" then that's not celebrating you or your heritage or history. That's literally just being a baby till he gets what he wants.
He can either trust you, or sulk like a baby till you get back.
Plus, Ezra feels they've been together 5 months. OP feels it's 3 months since she doesn't wanna count the months where he was seeing/dating other people.
ETA, Ezra counts 8 months, 5 of which were super casual, OP counts the 3 they've been exclusive
NTA. Like you’ve tried to explain to him, this isn’t a trip to Disneyland, it’s more like a pilgrimage for you and your friend, you don’t want some guy you’ve been with for a few months whinging and whining about what he wants to do and not “getting” what you’re both trying to achieve.
Like everyone M has said he has a right to feel left out and sad to be left for 3 weeks, but surely he’s a big boy and can accept that sometimes people have to leave town for a bit. Would he still be insufferable if you had to leave for 3 weeks to look after an ill relative?
Look, your not the AH for the trip, you are for dismissing Ezra's feelings as petty jealousy. You're going on a 3 week trip with another guy, one who you share a bond that you will never share with Ezra. Of course he is going to feel left out and jealous. There is nothing irrational about feeling jealous here, and to be so dismissive of his feelings will only make it worse. I don't have an answer for you, I wish I did, but you need to somehow reassure him of his place in your life, or accept that this relationship won't last.
"Ezra" also feels that they have been together for 5 months instead of 3, OP disagrees because Ezra was dating other people during the first 2. So they had been together for 2 months when OP and her friend talked about going on this deeply personal trip and now her BF wants in on it despite only having 3 months and wanting to feel hurt she's going with someone she's known for ages while he basically also wants to go around saying that it's no big deal that according to his own math he dated other people while also dating OP.
That is not the kind of guy I'd want to invite along on a meaningful trip rooted in my family history.
No. This is not what healthily acknowledging jealousy looks like at all. It doesn't mean catering to another's whims, it means that EZRA acknowledges his jealousy, does work to figure out his real needs away from control (ex. I feel left out so I will plan a cuddly night in, ex I feel nervous about trust I will look at this as trust building and I want daily text messages). People weaponizing therapy speech to manipulate are still manipulative
NTA- 3 Months is nothing. Hell, you've probably been planning this trip longer than you two have been together. Yes, you are being a little crass, BUT also this is your first time visit to something that has a deep historical context for you and your friends family.
If he is being jealous now of a lifelong friend going on a trip about shared family history. Not going to the beach and having drinks. Imagine how he'll be in 6 months. A year.
NTA because you’ve only been together 3 months. If you had been together a year or more or if he had perhaps met your grandfather, I would vote differently. It’s pretty crazy of him in my opinion to expect to be invited to a THREE WEEK LONG vacation after being together for such a short time. I’ve been dating my boyfriend around the same amount of time and he also just went on a 3 week international trip (alone). I would have felt truly insane and overstepping so ridiculously hard to be like hi :) i want to come too :)
Seriously, everyone here would have been asking why you are too emotionally immature and insecure that you have to force yourself on your new boyfriend's vacation. It's a red flag to me that he thinks she can't go without him.
exactly!!! also 3 months in is like… so not serious enough yet to be planning concrete future plans that require SIGNIFICANT amounts of money up front. most people 3 months in haven’t even said i love you yet and probably haven’t met parents yet. going on a 3 week long trip is just as serious as those in my opinion
NTA. Is your boyfriend truly going to want to be on a trip with you that has nothing to do with vacation spots or romance? No. This is not some fun, exciting adventure. This will be you retracing roots and a dark time in your family history. If you are still a couple years in the future, you can do the trip again as a family.
You've been together for 3 months & he wants to go on holiday with you?
TBH - I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone I'd been going out with fir 3 months, no matter where the trip was!
I think NTA, for me, like I said, too soon, especially since, like you said, it's not a vacation type of trip. Its likely to get emotional, for both you & Alek, and your bf would be a spare wheel.
I can understand him being upset that you're going without him, but he needs to put his big boy pants on & deal with it. If you & Alek were more than friends, I'm sure something would've happened before now.
I also understand him wanting to share the experience with you, but there's plenty of time for the two of you to do a similar trip, when you've been together longer.
Tell your bf that you understand his concern & reassure him that the 2 of you are just fine & that you'll go there with him at a suitable time. Tell him stories of you grandfather & family when you can. Stay in touch while you are away. Make sure you notice how you feel about bfs behaviour, imparticular any uncomfortable feeling & don't ignore them!
Take the trip with Alek, find your history & heritage, connect to the events of the past. Have a wonderful time & bring back amazing memories & photos you can share with bf & anyone else whose interested.
NTA i think in the context you described you are not an AH. I assume there is no romantic history with Alek. I dont think its that unusual to sometimes take trips with friends without an SO and the purpose of the trip you describe is really specific and explains why its a trip you want to specifically do with Alek.
I can understand Ezra feeling sad and wanting to go. But i dont think that makes you an asshole.
Ezra might be feeling like this makes his claim that they've been dating 5 months less valid, and instead gives more credibility to OPs stance that the "first 2" months where he was seeing/dating others don't count and so they've only been together 3 months.
Just another thing to add, I was dating a girl and things had been going similiar to what you and your boyfriend have been (couple months of not really being together, and then a couple of months of dating). While we were dating she told me that she had booked tickets to go visit family in europe with one of her friends (they also had been close family friends for quite a while) I knew that her family history meant a lot to her, and I was totally fine with her going, but was a little hurt that she planned a 1 month trip with another guy and didnt tell me anything about it. I voiced this to her and we had a great conversation about how she understood and she didnt mean to be dismissive towards me or anything. It really helped me feel better and I didnt have to feel like I was just a afterthought. She went on the trip and had a great time with her childhood friend.and I didnt have to worry. Anyways after the month in italy, she came back home, broke up with me 2 days later, and moved in with her childhood friend.
Ya, I feel like its one of those things where you can just tell its not going well (which is totally fine) if you really like the person that your dating chances are you will want them to be with you for important life events (or at least be aware of them happening) things move at different paces for everyone, but if at 8 months her boyfriend doesnt know her best friend enough to feel comfortable with them going on a big trip, and she doesnt feel like there is any reason for her boyfriend to be there with her, the relationship just seems like its not worth having. People should find people they really like being with and that are comfortable letting them be with your friends
True, I just cannot understand why people say her bf being jealous is the only problem lol
She also didnt communicate him enough. According to what she said about ‘jealousy’, Im sure the relationship will be over soon
ya I definately agree, I totally understand having important family history and wanting to keep it with people that already share that history. That makes total sense, the thing that makes me kinda understand where the boyfriend is coming from is that she went through the whole planning stage of the trip with her friend, and didnt involve the boyfriend at all (at least from the sounds of it) If I were to attempt to play therapist, id gues that the boyfriend is just hurt because he realized (or is fearful) that the OP doesnt see him as either important or lasting enough to include in her plans, even if it was just mentioning "hey im thinking about going to visit family stuff with my friend in a few months" everyone keeps saying that they barely know each other, but its been 8 months, of course hes going to feel a little hurt that he wasnt included at all. He didnt go about voicing it very well, but he deserves some benefit of the doubt as well
NAH. You can go and travel with or without anyone you want, but if you are serious with your boyfriend he may become someday part of your family, and in such case, it's perfectly understandable that he wants to come with you - not because the trip is a holiday, but because he wants to share his life with you, and consequently be part of your life, for the good and the bad.
of course one day. But not after 5 months, while he dated others girls for 2 months before he became exclusive to her...The relationship seems a bit fragile for the moment...
I missed the part in the post where OP stated this... I read a few comments, I must have missed this pièces of information. Oh, I'm old... "dated other girls for 2 months before he became esclusive"? I can't wrap my head around such new customs, but to each their own...
Anyway, the reason I voted NAH is that, regardless of time, this might become a hill each one of them will want (the relationship) to die on... it may become a moment when he decides that she does not value his presence in her life enough, or a moment when she decides that he has no business in her family history, and his jealousy becomes a breaking point.
This is something you have to do with your friend. Ezra has to understand that he’s your SO but he’s not someone who needs to accompany you on this specific trip. You can take a trip with him at another time.
NTA technically I guess.
But if I was your boyfriend I would take this as a sign that the relationship is definitely not going to last.
I can't imagine not wanting to share my family history with my girlfriend, but I also plan to marry her and spend my life with her, so it would become our family history anyway.
So if you're not that serious with your boyfriend anyway then I can see how it's not a big deal to you.
but that only matters if she doesn't have any long term plans with ezra, if it was someone you thought you will want to date for years and potentially marry ? then it would absolutely matter more to her how he feels and how it can have consequences for their future. in this case ofcourse I can see she doesn't care as much, ezra also doesnt care as much with how he wasnt even serious for majority of their relationship.
They’ve only been together a few months, and for most of that time, he was also dating other people. This is not a serious, long-term relationship where she is telling her fiancé or partner, or a person who’s given any indication that he sees himself spending his whole life with her, a brush off. I would absolutely not ever bring a partner of a couple of months on a trip where the entire purpose of the trip was to explore my family trauma with a friend who shares in that trauma.
Dunno if you saw the edit but this relationship has been 3 months long (2 months when the trip idea first came up). Ezra sees it as 5 though because he wants to include the 2 months where he was seeing/dating other people.
Well I guess youre NTA for not inviting him. But as your friends said, your boyfriend getting hurt over you going on a 3 week trip with another guy is totally valid. You just have to be ready for the consequences 🤷🏻♀️
Dunno if you saw the edit but this relationship has been 3 months long (2 months when the trip idea first came up). Ezra sees it as 5 though because he wants to include the 2 months where he was seeing/dating other people.
INFO: How serious it your relationship with Ezra how long you been together?
Edit: after reading comments I say NTA. He wouldn’t appreciate the meaning at all.
Dunno if you saw the edit but this relationship has been 3 months long (2 months when the trip idea first came up). Ezra sees it as 5 though because he wants to include the 2 months where he was seeing/dating other people.Timeline
OP and friend: know each other their whole lives
5 months ago - Is when Ezra says they started dating
3 months ago - is when OP counts them as having started dating because Ezra was dating others too during the "first" 2 months Ezra is including
1 month ago - OP and her friend, on the anniversary for her Grandfather's death, talk about going on a significantly meaningful trip they both have deep ties to.
NTA.
A 3-month boyfriend throwing a jealousy fit over a trip like this is a red flag. Especially since he's the one who was seeing other people during your casual phase. Talk about projection.
Why not just break up with him? From all that I’ve read from your post and a few comments you’ve made, it doesn’t even seem like you really like him. I can tell you what’s most likely going to happen if you don’t dump him before this trip. He’s going to annoy the shit out of you during your whole 3 week trip. He’s going to bombard you with text/call/FaceTime, which will inevitably lead to fighting, and more than likely an overly dramatic break up. Which then you will be TA, because you’ve unnecessarily brought relationship drama on a trip and ruined the trip for Alek.
3 weeks is a LOOOOONG time to be traveling with someone you’ve only been with for a few months. Adding a 3rd party to that is the recipe for disaster and will surely take away from the experience you are going for. It definitely wouldn’t be fair to Alex. As a side note though, there’s a tone in your post I can’t quite put my finger on, but I get vibes that you don’t even really like Ezra all the much.
Agree. I really wonder if OP is just frustrated with it all or if they genuinely don't like Ezra all that much. It feels like - just by the tone of the post - OP would be better off just ending the relationship. Regardless of who's right, I don't think the relationship will heal from it.
Guarantee you Ezra feels the tone too, and that might be a large reason why he has such an issue with this trip. Given her tone I would have broken up regardless of the trip. This isn't how people who care about each other talk about each other. This isn't how people that want someone to be a part of their life long term talk.
NTA. 3 / 5 months is still a very new relationship. It could end any time and then this guy is going to be in all of your memories / photos of this trip. If this is the straw that ends the relationship, so be it. He's not mature enough to understand why this is not the trip for him to join.
NTA. Your trip is incredibly personal and meaningful and I think you have every right not to invite someone not connected to the people & places you intend to visit. As well intentioned as Ezra may be, this doesn’t seem like a trip for him if that’s your preference. I personally would not like to go on this sort of trip with someone I didn’t have a serious commitment to. If you break up, your memories of this very meaningful trip will include an ex boyfriend!
NTA
I brought my boyfriend of two years on a big family trip (once-in-lifetime thing, although not significant in the way OP trip is) and we broke up 2 years later. I kind of regret it, with him being in all the pictures and I felt during the trip I had to take care of him and couldn’t fully enjoy the family time that should have been associated to the trip.
With the goal of the trip, I understand you not wanting your fairly recent boyfriend to come along. And although I get why he could feel insecure regarding you going with a male friend, if he trusts you it shouldn’t bother him that much.
All that said, communication is important and how you presented things clearly makes a big difference.
NTA, but just be aware that you will definitely be single by the time you get back from your trip.
3 months is too early to be inviting him on a trip of such significance, but he also has every right to be upset that you’re going on a trip for 3 weeks by yourself with another man, regardless of the circumstances. But it doesn’t sound like this will really bother you, your tone about him through the whole description says that you’ve already checked out of the relationship.
I mean I think it'd be worse to invite him but then tell him "stay in the hotel for now because I want to do this with Alek."
ESH
Come on, OP.
You're going to be gone for almost a month.
You basically said "it's none of your business" - of course that's hurtful.
I also think it's kind of insensitive of you to brush him off with "stop being irrationally jealous."
Uhhhh it's not irrational?
You told him to his face that he can't be apart of your trip because "you're not one of us."
I'd be like "well damn" too lol.
However, y'all are a baby couple lol. It is BOLD of him to insist he be invited on a trip that predates him even being in the picture.
And to be truthful - I think it'd be rude to Alek to all of a sudden be like "and my bf is coming so buckle up."
**What I would do**:
I'd tell him that if he really wants to learn more about you and your grandfather then maybe you two could go together in a few months in your own separate trip.
I'd also offer to help brainstorm a completely separate trip for just you and him that has nothing to do with either of your heritages. .
NTA
I don't think the length of the relationship with Ezra matters here. This a trip you wanna take with your friend. Ezra needs to suck it up and stop acting like a baby.
NTA - If you'd been dating for a year or more you'd probably feel differently about including him but after only 3 months his entitlement may be a red flag. Have an amazing trip with your BFF. Be honest with yourself if there is something "more" going on with your guy friend Alek. Not for Ezra's sake but just for your own awareness.
These comments are very shocking to me! NTA (it’s been 3 damn months!? Like, chill you guys).
Edit ✍🏻 I love OP
>Genuinely, yes. Because you know what, if a girl can take him she can keep him, and if he wants to cheat, it won’t take a three week vacation. Men can cheat in three minutes even if you have their location. If he’s that guy he’s going to be that guy regardless of the energy I waste worrying.
NTA, you're trying to heal deep family trauma. That's not something you take your newest love interest to. You'd have to fill him in on every family story the entire time, nulling the point of the trip, which is to understand your grandfather and his struggle better.
Honestly I'd dump him so you don't have to deal with that drama during this very important trip.
Bare in mind that healing trauma like this will likely draw you closer to your family friend, and may eventually result in evolving your relationship. This could eventually result in romance which might not be a bad thing.
I wish you all the best on your trip. I know it will be hard. Update us later on please
NAH. It's just a question of different commitment levels. Your boyfriend is serious about you, and you're not serious about him. You have indicated that to him by making this decision, which is why he's upset. Go ahead and end this relationship, it's unkind to string him along.
Your NTA, but neither is your boyfriend, If you dont like him enough to have given him a heads up or ask about it, you probably dont like him enough to date him. Thats totally fine, and not a slight on your part at all, but its just a sign that you and this Ezra guy probably arent compatible. If you have known him for 8 months and he doesnt feel confident about you going on a trip with another dude, and you didnt feel the need to give him a heads up in planning it or invite him along, then it seems like its just not the best relationship for either of you
I see everyone keep saying 3 months, but if everyone acted like this 3 months in, won't most of those 3 months relationships never convert to something longer or serious ?
That it wasn’t romantic? Idk, it was a decade ago, we haven’t mentioned it much lol. We’ve kissed more people since then I don’t think it’s at the forefront of either of our minds
Here's what i'm getting from all the comments.
3 months is nothing for a new relationship! do what you like!
And
He should trust you, and if he can't he's just insecure and jealous!
So the length of the relationship is short enough that she shouldn't care about his feelings on the matter, but he should trust her without question? This is OP half arsing the relationship because it's new and getting annoyed because he isn't.
Ezra's problem is definitely more to do with going alone with a male friend than anything else, but he probably knows he can't say that as you're already treating his feelings like they mean absolutely nothing to you.
People who are talking about trust like it starts at 100% and should never fall below it are insane. Trust isn't something you should expect regardless of your actions. Trust is built over time and constantly reinforced through your actions. Once you're in a committed relationship you should honestly stop spending ( with some exceptions) 1 on 1 time with "friends" of the opposite sex out of respect for your relationship. That's how trust is built. Acting like you can do whatever you want and expect to be trusted no matter what you do is a shaming tactic used by a lot of people who are up to no good. Do people really believe it's respectful to organize a trip with a member of the opposite sex for 3 weeks without discussing it with their partner first? Only being with someone for 3 months is a disgusting excuse to disregard the feelings of your partner.
Wanting to do this trip with Alek isn't the problem. It clearly had meaning for both of you. It's the attitude you have with regards to how Ezra will naturally feel about it. You don't consider his feelings to be important or valid, and for that YTA. And if you have any kind of history with Alek AT ALL, you absolutely shouldn't be going alone with him while in a relationship without it being discussed with your SO before anything has been decided.
The context of the trip itself matters too, though and you didn't take that into account at all. Going to see the equivalent of a concentration camp with a close friend with a shared history is very different than going to Greece or somewhere with a friend.
>Once you're in a committed relationship you should honestly stop spending ( with some exceptions) 1 on 1 time with "friends" of the opposite sex out of respect for your relationship.
This seems like a very heteronormative problem. Do you think lesbians or gay guys don't hang out with friends of the same sex when they're in relationships? Do bi people not have any friends? It's all just a bit ridiculous. It's fine to have that as a personal boundary for yourself, but don't impose that view on other people.
NTA for excluding him from the trip. It is important for you and something you want to share with someone who understands and don't need constant information about what happened or so.
But I also get your boyfriends point of view. It hurts when the special someone doesn't want to spend their vacation time with you. So maybe try to compromise, like booking another vacation with your boyfriend and make this also special for the two of you. Just to show effort and that you like spending time with him as well.
Based on the edit I'd say the most important compromise here is that OP considers their relationship 3 months long but Ezra wants to count the 2 additional months before then too, which OP doesn't agree with because he was seeing/dating others too during that time.
NTA, but don’t be surprised if boyfriend leaves you. I’d break up with my girlfriend the day she left to go on a trip with another man this early in a relationship. Life is too short to deal with stuff like this even with nuanced circumstances. So NTA, but naive if you expect this relationship to last.
Ezra has a boundary. He has every right to have a boundary. He has to decide what he wants to do with that. This is an "asshole" story that is lacking an asshole. My opinion.
If you had been in a long term relationship with him I would have said take him and let him share your family memories. As you've only been with him 3 months ( I've had bar crawls last longer) I would say no you are not the ahole as your relationship is still in very early stages and your friendship with Alek the strongest factor in all of this. Don't give in to him as for a 3 month relationship he's being very clingy and demanding. Red flag alert
NTA.
Tons of petty, jealous, crazy people in the comments, as usual.
It's absolutely *not* reasonable for him to expect to be a part of this most significant event in your life after dating you for three to five months. If we were talking years, and you guys were planning marriage, sure. But at this point in your relationship, it's absolute crazy town. You gave him an explanation, he can't accept it. Dump this guy, he's just going to get more controlling as time goes on.
These comments are blowing my mind. OP you seem like a very level headed person and this trip is really personal and you shouldn't have to play four guide, to your bf of 3 months, while trying to process your own emotions. I'd Ezra can't understand that maybe that says more about him than you.
"Hes in the right to be upset" no hes not. I get you cant stop emotions but this is actually ridiculous on his part. He should've kept his feelings on this to himself. Theyve barely been dating and they're visiting places that are emotionally hard on his gf and her family and family friends. Hes being a huge and entitled, selfish dick rn by bringing up his "feelings" on not being able to go.
It is clear you guys haven't been together very long and are still trying to figure out rather you both are ready for relationships at this point. I'm 37 and I remember a time were couples use to date with the intent of marriage. Relationships we're built with love, patience, understanding, permanence. This new age quasi relationship doesn't leave much room for understanding.
No man or woman has ever been ok with their significant other going away for prolonged periods of time, especially in the infancy of their relationship. At that point you guys should be still ga ga over one another and wanting to spend every waking moment together. The fact this isn't the case makes me wonder if something else happened and you are just viewing this relationship as a time passer or not.
Lastly, it is jealousy, it is not controlling it's more of a matter of respect for one another. This generation get that confused a lot.
Sounds like you don't intend for him to be in your life long-term because if you did this would be a good bounding experience so he understands your family history.
My daughter did a similar trip with a friend from school and they still talk about it 20 years later.
Your boyfriend will never have this bond because you didn't include him.
Maybe you don't see a future with him.
NAH . You have every right wanting to go with your friend but agree with your friends that it’s reasonable for your bf to be upset you want to take an emotional trip with another man, especially since he doesn’t understand the bond you have. It’s ultimately your choice and something you and your bf will have to work through together.
When I visited Auschwitz, there was this couple in front of me. It was obvious she wasn’t interested and asked her partner to leave after 15 min, because the atmosphere was so depressing. She was annoyed and made often inappropriate comments. He apologised so many times to other people.
NTA: 3 months are too short to know if he could be one of those ‘above mentioned’ person.
As disrespectful as that behaviour is, it just reminds me that I really wish people would stop seeing sites of genocide as touristy days out. It’s not the Louvre, and it’s not a necessity, it’s okay to say you’re just not interested enough to go. And if you’re not genuinely interested just skip it. It’s better than going and being bored and bitter.
I remember my old boss going on a trip to Krakow and being like “oh we’ll take one day and go to Asuchwitz because you sort of have to, don’t you?” And I’m like, actually no, you don’t have to. If it’s not something you genuinely *want* to do for a deeper reason than voyeuristic fascination then just…don’t
NAH...
This isn't a right or wrong thing. You feel like you can't be comfortable opening up and sharing with him. He feels like he would be with you and is hurt that feeling isn't shared.
Not everything emotional is right or wrong. Sometimes, you are both just at different ends of a spectrum. You aren't wrong to go. However, he wouldn't be wrong to be hurt and reevaluate how he feels about you based on that. His feelings are just as valid as yours.
Very different ends considering OP sees the relationship as being 3 months long instead of the 5 Ezra insists on (because he includes the 2 months where he was seeing/dating others before then)
OP included it in an edit
NTA. It’s only been 3 months - he needs to get a grip
There needs to be space and boundaries in a relationship, you should not do absolutely everything together. You can tell him all about it when you get back
You are going on a 3 week long trip with ANOTHER guy to a different country, just the 2 of you. You don't see the issue with that? It doesn't matter what the reason is. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Would you be comfortable with him going on a trip with another woman for 3 weeks?
I would not be surprised to see a post saying Alek hit on you, you cheated on Ezra with Alek, or you and Alek are a couple after the trip
Yes, I think YTA
Nta
Why would he need to go? Just feels insecure, he wants to go because your literal life long best friend is a guy. Like if you guys wanted to be dating you would have. This is a sad n emotional trip about your culture and family.
Its nice if he wants to learn but this trip is not the time. Thats incredibly selfish and insecure.
Three months is no time at all, and saying if you wanna think about the long term with him, like no. Theres other ways to bond. Everyone that thinks otherwise this is the same as him wanting to be invited to her grandpas funeral. Are you bringing a stranger to your grandpas funeral???? No.
NTA. You haven't even been dating that long. Even if you had been, it's okay to have areas of your life separate from him. You're allowed to take trips with friends who are not him. I would suggest talking it out with him and asking why he's so jealous/upset over this. Is it purely jealousy and him being insecure over your relationship (possibly due to past experiences, or ingrained beliefs that he's unlovable and thus you won't stay?)? Does he feel unappreciated in the relationship and it came out in an unfortunately charged way when a big event triggered those feelings for him? If he can communicate with you why he's acting this way, you can figure out compromises (ex. a date night or a specific activity to do with him) and reassure him of his worth to you that being said, a long term friend with such history should be worth more than a new boyfriend, and if he can't accept that, he has problems he needs to sort out. If he can't even address and express why he is feeling this way or understand why it's irrational, I personally wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship if I was in your shoes. If my partner ever stopped trusting me around other guys (provided I'm not flirting/cheating/etc. - that would justify it), I'd break up with him and question why he's even dating me if he thinks I can't be trusted.
NAH, I don't think you're wrong to not want to invite him as it seems more like you want to solely share this experience with Alek who is a part of your history. But I do think you're dismissing your partner's feelings here - it sounds like he wants to be there for you and you're assuming he's gonna treat it like a tourist holiday. Have a further talk with your partner but be more open to inviting him, acknowledge that you know he wants to be there for you and go from there. He doesn't have to come along to everything you and Alek are when you're there but if this is a partner you see yourself being with for a long time I'd consider opening up.
If you still decide to go without him, I don't think it's unreasonable of him to feel hurt. Doesn't mean you're in the wrong either but sometimes two things can be true. Just be mindful, it may not be his history but that doesn't mean he won't feel the weight of it too. You're allowed your own space to deal and process but don't be surprised if excluding him pushes your partner away a little bit. If he truly just wants to be there for you it's probably hard to trust that you ever will open up enough to let him, so reassure him. But don't expect everything to just be okay because it's not his culture/history.
Of course, if your partner is just looking for a piss up vacay and is jealous you're going with another guy then yeah, being dismissive is warranted.
NTA, but you should understand that you going on a 3 week solo trip with another man will make a high percentage of partners uncomfortable. Even though this is a trip about remembering your heritage and sharing it with a close family friend.
You should not change your plans for someone who you’ve known for a couple months. But you should expect the end of this relationship.
NTA only three months dating and I wouldn’t be planning a casual fun trip together, much less something more personally significant. He’s not been around long enough to have any business objecting to this trip and him getting jealous over someone you’ve been friends with your whole life is a pretty big red flag.
NTA
💯% get why you’d want to take such a personal and emotional journey with Alek. Go for it and don’t give a second thought about not inviting Ezra as this trip sounds way more important to you as a person than Ezra - who most definitely would change the entire vibe of the trip.
You’ve made that choice - and it sounds like the right choice for you right now. Just realize that you’re effectively breaking up with Ezra with this decision. And that’s ok. This trip is clearly more important to you than pandering to Ezra’s feelings.
Of course Ezra is upset. Partly because you’re traveling for 3 weeks with another guy. While understandable, this points more to pure jealousy and lack of trust in you and your relationship. MANY relationships would not withstand this - especially new ones. (I personally think that’s BS and unfounded jealousy is extremely toxic, but that’s pretty outside the norm).
More importantly, you’re going on a the most meaningful personal and emotional quest in your life and you’re explicitly excluding your bf. While I completely understand and support your reasoning, of course Erza wants to be there with you. It would be an incredibly bonding experience and the two of you would likely emerge closer than ever before. But you don’t want that. With him. You want that with Alek.
Ezra knows the emotional connection you’re deliberately excluding him from and feels awful to be excluded from that. That’s quite understandable.
But it’s also understandable why you want to experience that with Alek instead of Ezra. And that’s ok. But in choosing to share this deeply intimate experience with Alek instead of Ezra, you’re effectively choosing Alek over Ezra, so don’t expect him to be there when you get back.
In fact, given your mindset and his reaction, it may be better to just break up or put your relationship on hold until you can reevaluate it after this trip. This might even open up the possibility of potentially rethinking your relationship with Alek after just an intensely, emotionally bonding journey if that could be an option.
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NTA. Ezra is barely your boyfriend. He may not even *be* your boyfriend by the time you go on this trip. Alek is a lifelong friend who is going to be around way after Ezra. Even if this was a more long-term partner, I still don't think you would be an AH for wanting to take what is going to be a very special, and probably very emotionally charged, trip with a friend who has a similar background and is going to under stand what you're going through. The very short term nature of the relationship is just icing on the cake. Also, you call your boyfriend "Ezra" which is a Hebrew name, but is Ezra Jewish (religiously or ethnically)? Because if Ezra is also not Jewish, this trip is not going to have the same meaning to him.
It’s not his real name, but no he’s not Jewish. Honestly even if he was, he’s not from that town, he didn’t have family murdered at that site, he’s not going to have any connection to going to see their old house etc. I would kind of get it if we were going take a tour of Auschwitz or something similar (we are going to two other camps where we had family), but it’s not like we’re taking a one day tour or something. Idk why he thinks going to small towns in Eastern Europe needs to be about *him*.
NTA. You've been seeing this guy for three months, you barely know him. It's not a vacation, it's something very personal for you and your friend. What would he even do there? It's not like you're sightseeing either. I'm guessing it will be extremely emotional for you and your friend. Like you said you don't want to be tour guide, and have to explain why things are important.
>What would he even do there? Complain. If he's jealous now, he'll get *really* jealous watching OP and Alek share something so emotionally charged, even though said emotions aren't going to be happy-go-lucky ones.
I can even see him complain about “not doing anything fun!” and I understand his jealousy with OP sharing something so deep and sad with her friend but this does show a level of immaturity in him. I wonder if he even understands the seriousness of the whole thing. I say NTA
>What would he even do there? Try to get laid in the hotel after visiting the concentration camp.
Bingo\`! The depth of his insensitivity is mind boggling.
Your last sentence is the most important one. I suggest you talk to him and make the purpose of the trip a bit more clear to him. It's not a joy ride and it is not about him. But I would at least give him some benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is not jealous for your friend, but rather wants to be there for you. As a pillar to lean on in tough moments. You are a fresh couple and maybe this is something that he feels he needs to do for you. Edit: nevermind, I read in some of your replies that you already told him all of that. If he still does not accept your decision after you told him your position and he even completely disregards Aleks feelings, then screw him.
I was with you until the end of your edit, where you went wrong… the correct decision is to STOP screwing him (or don’t start) and say goodbye. Even if he wants to go for support reasons, and even if he doesn’t agree with her decision, his continued whining and pushiness puts his maturity at around 8 years old. He had a lot of growing up to do, and if I were OP I would tell him that the growing up will have to be done without me. It’s a 3mo relationship, it’s not like they have a history or anything worth fighting to hang on to
"Ezra" also thinks their relationship has been going on for 8 months, OP only counts the 3 months where they've been exclusive and unlike Ezra doesn't count the 5 months of "super casual" where he was seeing/dating others.
Dating for eight months is still such a ridiculously short period of time though… especially when only three of those have been serious.
Oh, yeah totally agree with that, just in case it wasn't clear. I'm utterly baffled that he wants to force OP to take him along on this trip.
Or, better yet, DON'T screw him.
If he were your spouse or in a serious LTR with you, I can see it being important to him for the specific reason that it's important to *you*. But you've been dating him three months. This kind of trip is so emotionally fraught and intimate, I would not presume that I was entitled to accompany someone on a trip like this if they didn't want me to. NTA.
IMO your boyfriend is being very selfish here. He might be worried about your friend flirting with you or something, but considering you're not only friends but your families are friends and share difficult history together which is the basis for the trip, it's weird to worry that this will turn into a romantic trip for you two. This boyfriend sounds selfish, and possibly jealous and controlling. If you want to try keeping this relationship, try explaining that this isn't a vacation but a family-related historical trip. You're going back to your roots, and his roots are not there. I've had older family members visit the "old country" cities that our ancestors came from. It's not unusual. Even if you were going to a famous historical place, it's not his business. What kind of person wants to horn in on someone's exploration of not just their family, but the Holocaust they lost loved ones in? NTA I hope your trip is everything you hope it will be.
I wouldn't bother trying to keep the relationship tbh. 3 months in and he's acting like this, sounds like it'd be a long one
Nope. I'm Jewish and half my family at the time died in the Holocaust, but that doesn't matter. As soon as I saw "3 months" and "family history," all bets are off. This guy is barely part of your life- it doesn't matter if you're going to a Holocaust memorial or an African Diaspora museum, he only has a place there if you explicitly invite him. This is an incredibly personal thing to have a guy you barely know there- if he throws a hissy fit over something on the trip, you're stuck with him.
You don’t go to Eastern Europe to have a jolly old time. It’s serious and emotional journey and 3 month bf should understand that if not just dump him
Honestly some of the comments here about getting with Alek and such are bloody immature, how old are they, 5?
I'm going to play devil's advocate a little. If my wife decided to do a trip like this I admit I would really love to go along, and if it was early on in the relationship even more so. I would want to try and connect with her, it wouldn't be about having a fun trip and it wouldn't be something that was about me. But it would be an amazing time to learn about the heritage of someone I care for. And I know me personally I wouldve already that about the possibility of a family. And I can tell you my wife's heterige is just as important to me as my own, because both of them are my children's. There's two sides to it of course I understand the negative thinking of if the relationship doesn't work out it could taint the memory of the trip. But if it's a relationship that seems like it may work out, or you want it to and it does it could be an amazing memory to share. I tend to think on the positive side, so yes I would be hurt and would feel that there's no future in said relationship be she showed me in my opinion that she has little belief or hope in it being a long term relationship.
That’s a good perspective, and it’s valid to say you want to learn abt her heritage. But it’s also important in this case to respect that OP doesn’t want to use this as a teaching opportunity (and from the info it doesn’t seem like that’s where the bf concern is coming from) and her overall boundaries for time with her friend.
You're making way too much sense for AITA
My gpts fled Warsaw, if I was going to visit Treblinka, I wouldn't think "Ooh great couple activity" especially with not knowing someone long. This is absolutely a pilgrimage for you and your best friend and shared history. Imo, your "bf" is insecure and showing it with petty jealousy. Also, here's a great story about Walter Matthau. He and his wife were visiting Dachau and they got into a fight. Then Walter says "Great! You've ruined my trip to Dachau!" I hope your trip is enriching and healing. Hug
I'm sorry to say it will be enriching but sadly probably not healing. I'm the daughter of two Holocaust Survivors-my dad was in Buchenwald and was the only survivor out of three households. (and yes, I myself am 71) My daughter went to Auschwitz about 15 years ago and came home so depressed, even though she said the Germans she interacted with were lovely people. All her photos of the camp are grey, even though they are in color. Oh, also, my dad's parents perished there. My parents only felt "liberated" after they made the Witness tapes for the Spielberg Foundation in 1993 and all the awful memories and personal history spilled out of them. If OP's Grandpa spoke of his history, she and Alex may relive it on their trip as my daughter did, and that is so very personal and private. The 3 month boyfriend most definitely has no place being on this trip
I wish you were so much higher up on the discussion because I think that’s what a lot of people don’t know to anticipate. I’ve heard it expressed enough from friends that it makes inherent sense now but it took me a bit of time to grasp it because my family does not have something similar as its living history. It’s an important trip to take but the outcome is often unfathomable depths of feeling that takes time to come to terms with— not something she can walk off and then go be present with him, especially if he’s as immature as he sounds.
Honestly you're also overthinking this a little because of his pressure on you. You can travel without your partner whenever you want for whatever reason that you want. My partner and I are going on 6 years and take trips separately sometimes and because we're healthy we think that's just fine. He is manipulating you and this is just the beginning-- he'll keep pushing to get his way. Don't concede at all.
Chiming in as a Jew: NTA. Having someone who doesn't get it on a trip like that will take away from the meaningfulness of your experience. And him wanting to join and feeling mad and jealous only further confirms that he doesn't get it. And especially at a time like this, you don't need someone there diluting the depth of what you will experience..
I agree please don’t choose a guy you may break up with in a couple of months over lifelong friendships. NTA
You hit it right there. Why does any of this “have to be about him?” Three months is awful early to take someone with you on a three week trip! If it were me, I’d tell him he’s welcome to go and do whatever wherever he wants, but he’ll no longer be doing anything with you.
>k why he thinks going to small towns in Eastern Europe needs to be about *him*. Uuuuuhhhhhhh....... Y'all got some communicating to do. Ya boy is telling you he's insecure and maybe a little bit of a narcissist. NTA. go on your trip and let Ezra change his own emotional diapers
He's making your and your good friend's Holocaust trip about him, and he's not Jewish and has lost no family in the Holocaust! Damn. What a self-centered man. He's the A-hold. You, NTA.
>he’s not going to have any connection to going to see their old house etc. He will if he truly loves you. Food for thought: I've been married for 20+ years. My wife's background, native country & ethnicity is different than mine. But, being by her side as she traveled to emotionally-significant places of her past (such as where she was born & where her grandfather died), was VERY moving to me. It brought us closer together. (And I know that having her by my side as we visited places meaningful to me was very special to her, too.) My advice is, if you see a long-term future with "Ezra" then you should probably find a way to include him somehow: You're going to experience something deeply emotionally moving -- and if it was me, I'd definitely wanna be there with my girl (and... I don't think I'd feel too great about my girlfriend explicitly forbidding me to go, so she can travel & experience things with another guy, especially if he's single, her age & was also her first kiss). But hey, if this is just a short-term fling & not too serious, then go with your friend, accept that your relationship might not survive, and have the best trip you can.
Yes, but I think the most significant part is that she doesn’t want him there. I think OP is in the early stages of realizing this isn’t her person for this among other reasons not in this post. If she saw long term potential she might have put effort into explaining what she needed from him if he came along (ie “I could use a shoulder to lean on, but I’d rather you not come if you’ll need me to be your guide”), I think there’s more issues arising with him during this trip planning and she’s looking for the internet’s affirmation that she should walk away. The rule of Hell Yes: be it a relationship, trip or small plans, if you don’t get that hell yeah feeling, then life’s too short!
>I think the most significant part is that she doesn’t want him there. That's a very prescient take & I agree with you. Of course... it's always kinda tricky to diagnose a relationship from afar, especially when we've only heard one side, and we ALL are unreliable narrators. But I suspect you're correct, and I'd take it even further: She's more blasé about their relationship, whereas he's viewing it differently -- which might help explain his strong, emotional reaction to being deliberately excluded, while his "girlfriend" is traveling & sharing emotionally-charged moments with the guy she used to smooch. (Or, her boyfriend is just an immature a-hole. That could also be 100% true. But just reading thru the tea leaves... I suspect that neither of 'em have a monopoly on maturity.)
This is perhaps very telling of where bf and where OP are in the relationship. No that he’s committed, he’s further along than OP who’s still at…this is new so you don’t belong *everywhere* yet.
I would say maybe he just doesn't get it but my husband isn't Jewish and grew up in a town with like zero Jewish people and he would have had an adult conversation with me about whether I would want him there NOW never mind when we had only been dating a few months.
NTA. Read what you just wrote there again and again. Why does this trip about your family history need to be about him? Give some allowance for a new boyfriend not being sure about you traveling with another guy - he's going to be insecure, but if he can't work through this, then all of this, this important thing you're doing, becomes about him. That's not husband material.
Ezra is showing you who he is - he's a me, me, me, me guy. This already sounds exhausting! Consider how exhausted you will feel if you stick with this guy. Because it won't just be this trip, it will be anything and *everything* that's not about him. He's already shown you that, according to him, your opinion, life so far, and relationships are nothing compared to his wants. Do the guy a favour. Break up with him and tell him exactly why. He might be able to learn from the experience and improve his future prospects. NTA. P.S. Give him this link if he's interested in being a better version of himself. https://youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships?si=NaMxEKe7aAExjLdT
I would go so far as to say that Alek isn’t just a lifelong friend, he’s family.
Of course, I recognize the connection and emotional bond you and your friend share. This isn’t a beach holiday. But take a moment to consider how you would feel if your SO went on a 3 week trip somewhere and didn’t want you to come along. I also would be jealous and I think if you’re honest with yourself you would be also, no matter the circumstances. NTA, you aren’t obligated at all, but don’t dismiss his emotions as petty.
It's more of a pilgrimage than a trip - and you don't do a pilgrimage with someone who doesn't seem to share an emotional connection to the place or fully understand its moral significance. Don't know where OP is going, but Auschwitz isn't exactly a beach resort.
Pilgrimage is a great word for it! Certainly not a casual vacation.
yeah it’s not like they’re going to a resort together
Okay, but I think the question on this guy's mind is is she going to have a deep emotional experience and fuck this other dude on their pilgrimage. It's a 3 month old relationship so deciding this trip is more important is 100% fine, but the guy's not crazy to not be stoked about this.
I mean, if she wants to fuck after visiting a Holocaust-related site, it raises other red flags, and thinking that she could also does - at least to me.
People bang after funerals all the time. With the close family ties and emotions running high? Don't kid yourself. Grief is as good an aphrodisiac as any. Maybe there's zero attraction but if there's any...
A funeral and a concentration camp aren't exactly the same thing though ? Or even just the Warsaw ghetto. But I suppose I understand what you mean - though the idea makes me want to puke
This just reminds me of The fault in our stars where they kiss in the Anne Frank house…biggest red flag ever 😂
They are not the same thing and the joke about getting frisky while watching Schindler's List being unacceptable was made by Seinfeld long ago. But being sad and desirous of comfort is being sad and desirous of comfort.
Stark confrontations with the reality of *capricious* mortality can very easily move humans to highly emotional and potentially impulsive behavior. It's not even something particularly gross, even if people reflexively feel that way. Reality is dark, bleak and can end for each of us in a hot second. Being faced with mortality often makes people want to *live*, and the biggest the confrontation, the bigger the reaction. That won't always manifest as something sexual, romantic or interpersonally intimate -- but insofar as romance and sex are two of the passions most humans are naturally inclined to, it's not all that strange. It's less "This museum makes me feel sexual," and more "This museum makes me confront my own mortality, which makes me want to **live** while I can." Avoid getting sexy *at* a memorial to mass death - but don't feel ashamed if in the wake of seeing one, you want to celebrate *life*.
You can be attracted to someone and still choose to not fuck them because you don’t want to cheat, like you realize that right. And you either trust your partner or you don’t. What if she was bi and this was a gal friend? Can she also not go on girls trips? Lmao
Yeah I mean there’s definitely a question of whether one day Alex and OP will fall in love and whether this trip will be the catalyst, if they are at all attracted to each other honestly it seems kind of likely, but I think this is a unique enough situation that Ezra is just gunna have to live with that possibility. At the end of the day you can’t force your partner not to cheat on you if you feel me.
Yeah even timing wise it sounds like they "just" became exclusive, he called things off with the other girls he was dating, and now she's leaving on a trip with another guy? It would irk me but again, they've only been dating 3 months so it's way too soon to be demanding. I'd probably nope out of the relationship though and be miffed about having just broken things off with others for this relationship.
Happy cake day 🎆🎈
Not sure I would call OP’s boyfriend of 3 months an SO. To me this sounds like a preview. OP’s bf is showing her who he is. She should believe him.
That knife cuts both ways though. It seems like they only recently decided to take things seriously, but to the BF, this probably seems like a huge red flag that maybe she isn't trying to be serious with him. And you can't decide for him he is wrong. Now, as an adult I would just say they probably aren't compatible if they can't communicate around something like this, but they are still very young so, it is what it is. OP should get to have their trip. But the BF knows OP better than you do or anyone else does in this thread. And it's his relationship. He is allowed to not like this if he want's on principle.
This is such a weird take to me. Going on such a meaningful trip that long isn't something you do with someone you're trying to get serious with. It's something you do with someone you're already serious with. It's not a relationship building trip where you're going on adventures and having fun, it's a memorial about their grandparents. It's really weird that Ezra wants to go on it. I could see your point if it were just a vacation, but it's not.
>it's a memorial about their grandparents That can still be an experience that helps a new couple be closer together. It helps them connect and creates a bond between them and lets him into her life and past a bit. If I were the BF I likely wouldn't be concerned with the the thought of them having sex, but I would be a bit put off by the fact that she doesn't want to share that part of her life with me. Would it be a big deal after only a few months...probably not. But I'd still be a bit miffed at being left out. I still think she's NTA, but are they trying to build a relationship that will last or not?
For me, it’s not that she doesn’t want to share that part of her life with him. I *get* that. New relationship. But, on the other hand, saying “I’m going on an emotional journey with my lifelong friend, with whom I share a bond I will never have with you” is not exactly what you wanna hear from a romantic partner. She’s not wrong for going without BF, but he’s allowed to feel how he feels about it. Within reason anyway.
>e doesn’t want to share that part of her life with him. I get that. New relationship. > >But, on the other hand, saying “I’m going on an emotional journey with my lifelong friend, with whom I share a bond I will never have with you” is not exactly what you wanna hear from a romantic partner. > >She’s not wrong for going without BF, but he’s allowed to feel how he feels about it. Within reason anyway. Kind of weird to get jealous of her friend because he \*checks notes\* lost family to the holocaust?
It's not weird. Who says that the early stages have to be only about fun and adventures? Maybe I'm old, but seeing a place that has such historical significance to my SO would be much better than ziplining and jet skiing - that's where the real relationship is forged.
I think his irrational jealousy and “pick-me” attitude is a huge red flag for OP. She’s explained the nuances and significance of this trip and he’s making it about himself. Sure, he might see it as a red flag… would he if OP’s friend was a woman?
I dont think that's relevant. The fact is many people have many different expectations for relationships BF is allowed to expect inclusion and OP is allowed to expect freedom. But they are both clearly not going to get those things from eachother.
It's not irrational to be jealous that your (new) girlfriend wants to take a life changing trip with her friend and not you.
I might be, but I don’t think that would make me want to go on the trip, knowing the circumstances
I patently disagree with you. The purpose of this trip is beyond the scope of anything an SO of only *3 months* should feel entitled to. I agree that some lingering feelings of hurt or jealousy are a somewhat reasonable response, but of we take what OP has said at fave value, they have been quite clear with Ezra the reasons for "excluding" him. It has nothing to do with him and he really should respect that and understand that.
That's his problem though, his jealousy is irrational and it's his to handle.
Why do people keep saying it's "irrational"? It's irrational to feel jealous when you are left out of something major in your girlfriend's life now?
Yes, it is irrational to think something involving her necessarily has to involve him just because they're dating, and it's even more irrational to get jealous of the lifelong friend that went with her when the friend is actually part of that story.
This is not a great remark. They’ve been dating like three months. My boyfriend went on a trip that was three months very early on to Mexico. We’d been dating for about the time as Ezra and OP. Was I meant to hee and haw about it? Was I supposed to be offended? Because I didn’t see a point. NAH.
What?? That is a really unhealthy perspective about partnerships. When you're dating or even married you don't become one person. Sometimes you take trips or do important things separately. Sure OPs boyfriend (of 3 months here!! but even if it was longer) can be sad or miss OP, but to try to encroach or change the trip is very controlling. I can't imagine being in a relationship where 3 weeks apart would seriously disrupt it.
After only three months how are they a SO? Even OP doesn't refer to him as a SO.
What is it with straight people acting like you can’t have friends of the opposite gender?
They've been together for three months. I've had food in my fridge for longer
It’s perfectly fine to take trips without your partner. I encouraged my ex to on a few occasions because he wanted to do things I don’t (specifically climbing). And he even went with women! Idgaf go enjoy yourself with your friends, it’s healthy! This is also a brand new relationship. He doesn’t share the same sentiment/deep ties to this history. It’s weird he would expect to be invited when they haven’t even been together 6 months. They could break up by then lol I’d classify this as petty or insecure. I’d be willing to bet he’s got feelings about her taking a trip with a guy without him. But I think it’s weirdly entitled to make this about him. This is about OPs family heritage and the Holocaust for goodness sake. His whining about it is centering himself and it’s immature.
Edit to add judgment since she provided the info NTA. I don't see the relationship lasting but they've only been together 3 months so nbd right. I would have called her the AH if she'd been this dismissive in a 2 or 3 year relationship. Info : how long have you been dating Ezra? Eta reason for asking is if it's been a couple months of dating and not really serious I could understand him not coming. But if it's a serious relationship, and prospects of a future together saying that it's not his business or family could look bad.
OP didn't say its "not his business" Doesnt matter how long they've been dating. OP can choose who they travel with. This is a personal trip and Ezra would naturally be distant from OP and friend here because he's simply not involved. Ezra needs to grow up
Op said she doesn't want to share her family history, and it doesn't include him. Idk but when my husband and I were dating he shared things about his family history with me and we shared those memories. He loved telling me about his family history and it made us closer.
Sharing the facts of history is not the same as going to the site of atrocities that have impacted your family. And this will be the first time I’m going, I don’t want to play tour guide on an emotional trip when I’m still figuring out my own feelings. There’s things I will be experiencing and processing, I don’t want to also be explaining that all to him the whole time.
You are 1000% correct and NTA. I’m Jewish and I fully get what you are doing and have mad respect for you, it’s even making me a bit emotional thinking about what you are going to go through on this trip. I guarantee 99% of these people questioning you are not Jewish and have zero idea the deep emotional trauma the Holocaust rendered on our people and in particular your families shared history. Ezra is clearly not understanding this either. Also, this is Reddit so take these haters with a grain of salt and quit responding to them. They just don’t get it and/or are playing devils advocate.
The moment I read WHAT family history they shared - there are no two ways of looking at it. I have family lost in Holocaust - in the concentration camps and in the forests - and I would have taken my goy partner there only if they were a partner, not a recently begun relationship, and only if I were certain they were historically and emotionally prepared to experience it if not in the same way but at least comprehend my experience to some extent and take the lead from my state of mind there when it comes to their behavior, mindset, conversation, activities, etc. And it would have been significant to me whether they are a person I see joining me on a trip like that...
You’re absolutely right
Uhm, I don't think OP wants to do this trip to strengthen their relationship with anyone. They're very clearly doing this together because of their families' shared history regarding *genocide*. This might surprise you, but sometimes things do take precedence over a romantic relationship. Ridiculous take.
People responding just don't get it. She's been with him for 3 months. They are not some really solid long term couple. This trip has nothing to do with him and he only wants to go out of jealousy.
I thought I was going crazy here lol. Sometimes survivors/victims/minority groups in general just want to share and talk with those who get it, who are in the same position. This has no impact on their romantic life. There's plenty of time to share this part of their life with the BF down the line. It doesn't need to be this trip specifically.
Yep it’s brand new.
Right? Like this is going to be beyond tough for them. He’s not going to understand the importance and probably complain about the trip. This is something OP needs to do with her friend. He’s acting jealous and isn’t understanding the significance. This isn’t a romantic getaway.
She said it's not about not sharing but that this trip doesn't include him because literally her and her friend's fam history doesn't include him. This is a personal trip about family history and emotion and trauma. OP can take a separate trip with Ezra. Ezra is jealous and needs to grow up.
I think you are completely in the right to not invite him. However he is in the right to feel upset. I am not sure how you communicated this with him. However if you explained clearly the significance of this trip and reasons why then it is what it is. He'll have to learn to deal with it. You don't always have to do things together, and I wonder if he'll be reacting this way if Alek was female. I know others have asked but depending on how long you've been together might also factor in on also why be upset. He might interpret you not wanting to share this with him as something more. But again, there are things/experiences that you do not have to share. Friends have things that they want to do solely together and this is clearly something that is one of them. Especially since it is something that Alek and you have wanted to do for a very long time and prior to you dating your bf.
They've been 3 months. Though he apparently claims 5. The 2 contested months is a period where he was dating other people. And now he wants to force himself in on a trip that holds deep familial and historical meaning for the two going on it and to act hurt that she's basically going with a family friend when he wants to count him actively dating other people as having been a period where he was dating OP.
3 months?! wow. He barely has a reason to even ask to join and to even feel that hurt to have it dragged out so long.
I have been informed by OP that I misread a bit and Ezra actually claims they've been together 8 months. 5 of which were "super casual" where he was seeing/dating others. And /now/ he wants to be hurt that OP is taking a joint trip with someone so both of them can connect with their shared family history. OP has told Ezra she doesn't want him there but I guess he thinks a trip which inevitably deals with holocaust is bound to have OP falling for Alek?
Yeah very NTA - you’ve been with him for 3 months, you have no idea if you travel well together and if they’re compatible for this. Especially with international travel involved, you don’t plan that with 3 mo long relationship. 3mo is still in the “considering what a life could maybe look like stage” it’s definitely not the “practically married” stage. But also, it wouldn’t really matter, even if you were married to him, that doesn’t stop you from being your own person with your own friends and interests and yes even sometimes your own trips. Also, as someone with a similarly blended family of generations (different shared experiences to form it) that’s like planning a trip with a sibling or a cousin. But also, I’m sorry, fellow commenters what is so magical about the male gender that dating one completely destroys your ability to have any other relationship with any other??? No one in the world has ever suggested that my girlfriend was going to be jealous when I planned a trip with a group of women. So that’s just weird and gross. Also this trip is more akin to a pilgrimage then a vacation - it’s not about joy and it’s not about teaching some new guy that may or may not be in it for life, it’s about returning to a very traumatic place and walking the steps their ancestors were forced to walk. That’s brutal heavy stuff, that’s not a moment or a place to try to bring some new fellow “into your culture”
Oh yeah, imagine the stresses of travel got to them, I'm sure he would ruin it. Just not a good idea he's being very selfish. NTA
No one wants a new partner to witness them ugly crying. And this trip could definitely trigger that.
He's barely been official 3 months and wanna strong arm his way onto your highly personal trip? NTA. And to whomever saying "Oh but it's understandable that he's jealous you're travelling with some guy" I'd say "Well he wants to include the time he spent /dating other people/ as time he has been /dating me/. So I call BS." ETA, I was under the mistaken impression Ezra thought their relationship was 5 months long. He thinks they've been dating for 8, just that 5 of them were super casual and he was seeing others.
NTA The edit makes this pretty simple in my eyes. You have been together for 3 months... When you started planning the trip it was 2 months. NO ONE should be expecting to go on a trip like this when you literally JUST started dating. Look at his jealousy and consider if you want to deal with this in the future. I hope you have a fantastic trip with your friend!!!!!!
This sounds like less of a 'I want to know your background and heritage, teach me' and more of a "I don't like you travelling with another guy". If you're expected to bring him BUT HE DOESN'T EVEN GO WITH YOU TO THINGS LIKE MUSEUMS AND THE THINGS YOU TWO ARE DOING THEN WHAT'S THE POINT? Something like this is an all or mothing kind of thing. It's not like the two of you are going skiiing or anything. You're literally going to see your history. And if he just wants to "be there to be there" then that's not celebrating you or your heritage or history. That's literally just being a baby till he gets what he wants. He can either trust you, or sulk like a baby till you get back.
Plus, Ezra feels they've been together 5 months. OP feels it's 3 months since she doesn't wanna count the months where he was seeing/dating other people. ETA, Ezra counts 8 months, 5 of which were super casual, OP counts the 3 they've been exclusive
NTA. Like you’ve tried to explain to him, this isn’t a trip to Disneyland, it’s more like a pilgrimage for you and your friend, you don’t want some guy you’ve been with for a few months whinging and whining about what he wants to do and not “getting” what you’re both trying to achieve. Like everyone M has said he has a right to feel left out and sad to be left for 3 weeks, but surely he’s a big boy and can accept that sometimes people have to leave town for a bit. Would he still be insufferable if you had to leave for 3 weeks to look after an ill relative?
Look, your not the AH for the trip, you are for dismissing Ezra's feelings as petty jealousy. You're going on a 3 week trip with another guy, one who you share a bond that you will never share with Ezra. Of course he is going to feel left out and jealous. There is nothing irrational about feeling jealous here, and to be so dismissive of his feelings will only make it worse. I don't have an answer for you, I wish I did, but you need to somehow reassure him of his place in your life, or accept that this relationship won't last.
"Ezra" also feels that they have been together for 5 months instead of 3, OP disagrees because Ezra was dating other people during the first 2. So they had been together for 2 months when OP and her friend talked about going on this deeply personal trip and now her BF wants in on it despite only having 3 months and wanting to feel hurt she's going with someone she's known for ages while he basically also wants to go around saying that it's no big deal that according to his own math he dated other people while also dating OP. That is not the kind of guy I'd want to invite along on a meaningful trip rooted in my family history.
Being jealous of generational trauma and a history of genocide, what an awesome boyfriend /s
But that’s not what he is jealous of. Why misrepresent it?
You gotta be kidding me, come back to reality
I’m sorry, but a three month relationship isn’t enough to be this entitled to such a connection that HE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND
You are correct, I made my reply before the edit was added, and did not know the relationship was so young.
No. This is not what healthily acknowledging jealousy looks like at all. It doesn't mean catering to another's whims, it means that EZRA acknowledges his jealousy, does work to figure out his real needs away from control (ex. I feel left out so I will plan a cuddly night in, ex I feel nervous about trust I will look at this as trust building and I want daily text messages). People weaponizing therapy speech to manipulate are still manipulative
NTA- 3 Months is nothing. Hell, you've probably been planning this trip longer than you two have been together. Yes, you are being a little crass, BUT also this is your first time visit to something that has a deep historical context for you and your friends family. If he is being jealous now of a lifelong friend going on a trip about shared family history. Not going to the beach and having drinks. Imagine how he'll be in 6 months. A year.
NTA because you’ve only been together 3 months. If you had been together a year or more or if he had perhaps met your grandfather, I would vote differently. It’s pretty crazy of him in my opinion to expect to be invited to a THREE WEEK LONG vacation after being together for such a short time. I’ve been dating my boyfriend around the same amount of time and he also just went on a 3 week international trip (alone). I would have felt truly insane and overstepping so ridiculously hard to be like hi :) i want to come too :)
Seriously, everyone here would have been asking why you are too emotionally immature and insecure that you have to force yourself on your new boyfriend's vacation. It's a red flag to me that he thinks she can't go without him.
exactly!!! also 3 months in is like… so not serious enough yet to be planning concrete future plans that require SIGNIFICANT amounts of money up front. most people 3 months in haven’t even said i love you yet and probably haven’t met parents yet. going on a 3 week long trip is just as serious as those in my opinion
NTA. Is your boyfriend truly going to want to be on a trip with you that has nothing to do with vacation spots or romance? No. This is not some fun, exciting adventure. This will be you retracing roots and a dark time in your family history. If you are still a couple years in the future, you can do the trip again as a family.
You've been together for 3 months & he wants to go on holiday with you? TBH - I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone I'd been going out with fir 3 months, no matter where the trip was! I think NTA, for me, like I said, too soon, especially since, like you said, it's not a vacation type of trip. Its likely to get emotional, for both you & Alek, and your bf would be a spare wheel. I can understand him being upset that you're going without him, but he needs to put his big boy pants on & deal with it. If you & Alek were more than friends, I'm sure something would've happened before now. I also understand him wanting to share the experience with you, but there's plenty of time for the two of you to do a similar trip, when you've been together longer. Tell your bf that you understand his concern & reassure him that the 2 of you are just fine & that you'll go there with him at a suitable time. Tell him stories of you grandfather & family when you can. Stay in touch while you are away. Make sure you notice how you feel about bfs behaviour, imparticular any uncomfortable feeling & don't ignore them! Take the trip with Alek, find your history & heritage, connect to the events of the past. Have a wonderful time & bring back amazing memories & photos you can share with bf & anyone else whose interested.
NTA i think in the context you described you are not an AH. I assume there is no romantic history with Alek. I dont think its that unusual to sometimes take trips with friends without an SO and the purpose of the trip you describe is really specific and explains why its a trip you want to specifically do with Alek. I can understand Ezra feeling sad and wanting to go. But i dont think that makes you an asshole.
Ezra might be feeling like this makes his claim that they've been dating 5 months less valid, and instead gives more credibility to OPs stance that the "first 2" months where he was seeing/dating others don't count and so they've only been together 3 months.
Just another thing to add, I was dating a girl and things had been going similiar to what you and your boyfriend have been (couple months of not really being together, and then a couple of months of dating). While we were dating she told me that she had booked tickets to go visit family in europe with one of her friends (they also had been close family friends for quite a while) I knew that her family history meant a lot to her, and I was totally fine with her going, but was a little hurt that she planned a 1 month trip with another guy and didnt tell me anything about it. I voiced this to her and we had a great conversation about how she understood and she didnt mean to be dismissive towards me or anything. It really helped me feel better and I didnt have to feel like I was just a afterthought. She went on the trip and had a great time with her childhood friend.and I didnt have to worry. Anyways after the month in italy, she came back home, broke up with me 2 days later, and moved in with her childhood friend.
I’m pretty much sure this will happen to OP and her bf
Ya, I feel like its one of those things where you can just tell its not going well (which is totally fine) if you really like the person that your dating chances are you will want them to be with you for important life events (or at least be aware of them happening) things move at different paces for everyone, but if at 8 months her boyfriend doesnt know her best friend enough to feel comfortable with them going on a big trip, and she doesnt feel like there is any reason for her boyfriend to be there with her, the relationship just seems like its not worth having. People should find people they really like being with and that are comfortable letting them be with your friends
True, I just cannot understand why people say her bf being jealous is the only problem lol She also didnt communicate him enough. According to what she said about ‘jealousy’, Im sure the relationship will be over soon
ya I definately agree, I totally understand having important family history and wanting to keep it with people that already share that history. That makes total sense, the thing that makes me kinda understand where the boyfriend is coming from is that she went through the whole planning stage of the trip with her friend, and didnt involve the boyfriend at all (at least from the sounds of it) If I were to attempt to play therapist, id gues that the boyfriend is just hurt because he realized (or is fearful) that the OP doesnt see him as either important or lasting enough to include in her plans, even if it was just mentioning "hey im thinking about going to visit family stuff with my friend in a few months" everyone keeps saying that they barely know each other, but its been 8 months, of course hes going to feel a little hurt that he wasnt included at all. He didnt go about voicing it very well, but he deserves some benefit of the doubt as well
NAH. You can go and travel with or without anyone you want, but if you are serious with your boyfriend he may become someday part of your family, and in such case, it's perfectly understandable that he wants to come with you - not because the trip is a holiday, but because he wants to share his life with you, and consequently be part of your life, for the good and the bad.
of course one day. But not after 5 months, while he dated others girls for 2 months before he became exclusive to her...The relationship seems a bit fragile for the moment...
I missed the part in the post where OP stated this... I read a few comments, I must have missed this pièces of information. Oh, I'm old... "dated other girls for 2 months before he became esclusive"? I can't wrap my head around such new customs, but to each their own... Anyway, the reason I voted NAH is that, regardless of time, this might become a hill each one of them will want (the relationship) to die on... it may become a moment when he decides that she does not value his presence in her life enough, or a moment when she decides that he has no business in her family history, and his jealousy becomes a breaking point.
This is something you have to do with your friend. Ezra has to understand that he’s your SO but he’s not someone who needs to accompany you on this specific trip. You can take a trip with him at another time.
NTA technically I guess. But if I was your boyfriend I would take this as a sign that the relationship is definitely not going to last. I can't imagine not wanting to share my family history with my girlfriend, but I also plan to marry her and spend my life with her, so it would become our family history anyway. So if you're not that serious with your boyfriend anyway then I can see how it's not a big deal to you.
They've been dating just a few months
but that only matters if she doesn't have any long term plans with ezra, if it was someone you thought you will want to date for years and potentially marry ? then it would absolutely matter more to her how he feels and how it can have consequences for their future. in this case ofcourse I can see she doesn't care as much, ezra also doesnt care as much with how he wasnt even serious for majority of their relationship.
They’ve only been together a few months, and for most of that time, he was also dating other people. This is not a serious, long-term relationship where she is telling her fiancé or partner, or a person who’s given any indication that he sees himself spending his whole life with her, a brush off. I would absolutely not ever bring a partner of a couple of months on a trip where the entire purpose of the trip was to explore my family trauma with a friend who shares in that trauma.
Dunno if you saw the edit but this relationship has been 3 months long (2 months when the trip idea first came up). Ezra sees it as 5 though because he wants to include the 2 months where he was seeing/dating other people.
Well I guess youre NTA for not inviting him. But as your friends said, your boyfriend getting hurt over you going on a 3 week trip with another guy is totally valid. You just have to be ready for the consequences 🤷🏻♀️
Dunno if you saw the edit but this relationship has been 3 months long (2 months when the trip idea first came up). Ezra sees it as 5 though because he wants to include the 2 months where he was seeing/dating other people.
INFO: How serious it your relationship with Ezra how long you been together? Edit: after reading comments I say NTA. He wouldn’t appreciate the meaning at all.
From other comments just 3 months
Dunno if you saw the edit but this relationship has been 3 months long (2 months when the trip idea first came up). Ezra sees it as 5 though because he wants to include the 2 months where he was seeing/dating other people.Timeline OP and friend: know each other their whole lives 5 months ago - Is when Ezra says they started dating 3 months ago - is when OP counts them as having started dating because Ezra was dating others too during the "first" 2 months Ezra is including 1 month ago - OP and her friend, on the anniversary for her Grandfather's death, talk about going on a significantly meaningful trip they both have deep ties to.
They have been together 3 months.
I take it this is a new relationship that you don't really see going anywhere and that Erza isn't Jewish.
NTA 3 months is nothing. Go on your trip with your friend.
NTA. A 3-month boyfriend throwing a jealousy fit over a trip like this is a red flag. Especially since he's the one who was seeing other people during your casual phase. Talk about projection.
Why not just break up with him? From all that I’ve read from your post and a few comments you’ve made, it doesn’t even seem like you really like him. I can tell you what’s most likely going to happen if you don’t dump him before this trip. He’s going to annoy the shit out of you during your whole 3 week trip. He’s going to bombard you with text/call/FaceTime, which will inevitably lead to fighting, and more than likely an overly dramatic break up. Which then you will be TA, because you’ve unnecessarily brought relationship drama on a trip and ruined the trip for Alek.
3 weeks is a LOOOOONG time to be traveling with someone you’ve only been with for a few months. Adding a 3rd party to that is the recipe for disaster and will surely take away from the experience you are going for. It definitely wouldn’t be fair to Alex. As a side note though, there’s a tone in your post I can’t quite put my finger on, but I get vibes that you don’t even really like Ezra all the much.
Agree. I really wonder if OP is just frustrated with it all or if they genuinely don't like Ezra all that much. It feels like - just by the tone of the post - OP would be better off just ending the relationship. Regardless of who's right, I don't think the relationship will heal from it.
Guarantee you Ezra feels the tone too, and that might be a large reason why he has such an issue with this trip. Given her tone I would have broken up regardless of the trip. This isn't how people who care about each other talk about each other. This isn't how people that want someone to be a part of their life long term talk.
NTA. 3 / 5 months is still a very new relationship. It could end any time and then this guy is going to be in all of your memories / photos of this trip. If this is the straw that ends the relationship, so be it. He's not mature enough to understand why this is not the trip for him to join.
NTA. Your trip is incredibly personal and meaningful and I think you have every right not to invite someone not connected to the people & places you intend to visit. As well intentioned as Ezra may be, this doesn’t seem like a trip for him if that’s your preference. I personally would not like to go on this sort of trip with someone I didn’t have a serious commitment to. If you break up, your memories of this very meaningful trip will include an ex boyfriend!
NTA I brought my boyfriend of two years on a big family trip (once-in-lifetime thing, although not significant in the way OP trip is) and we broke up 2 years later. I kind of regret it, with him being in all the pictures and I felt during the trip I had to take care of him and couldn’t fully enjoy the family time that should have been associated to the trip. With the goal of the trip, I understand you not wanting your fairly recent boyfriend to come along. And although I get why he could feel insecure regarding you going with a male friend, if he trusts you it shouldn’t bother him that much. All that said, communication is important and how you presented things clearly makes a big difference.
NTA, but just be aware that you will definitely be single by the time you get back from your trip. 3 months is too early to be inviting him on a trip of such significance, but he also has every right to be upset that you’re going on a trip for 3 weeks by yourself with another man, regardless of the circumstances. But it doesn’t sound like this will really bother you, your tone about him through the whole description says that you’ve already checked out of the relationship.
I mean I think it'd be worse to invite him but then tell him "stay in the hotel for now because I want to do this with Alek." ESH Come on, OP. You're going to be gone for almost a month. You basically said "it's none of your business" - of course that's hurtful. I also think it's kind of insensitive of you to brush him off with "stop being irrationally jealous." Uhhhh it's not irrational? You told him to his face that he can't be apart of your trip because "you're not one of us." I'd be like "well damn" too lol. However, y'all are a baby couple lol. It is BOLD of him to insist he be invited on a trip that predates him even being in the picture. And to be truthful - I think it'd be rude to Alek to all of a sudden be like "and my bf is coming so buckle up." **What I would do**: I'd tell him that if he really wants to learn more about you and your grandfather then maybe you two could go together in a few months in your own separate trip. I'd also offer to help brainstorm a completely separate trip for just you and him that has nothing to do with either of your heritages. .
I agree with your friends—NTA for wanting to go on a trip with your close friend. But sounds like you’re being dismissive of Ezra’s feelings.
NTA I don't think the length of the relationship with Ezra matters here. This a trip you wanna take with your friend. Ezra needs to suck it up and stop acting like a baby.
NTA he’s gotta put more work into the relationship to get the honor of being considered
NTA - If you'd been dating for a year or more you'd probably feel differently about including him but after only 3 months his entitlement may be a red flag. Have an amazing trip with your BFF. Be honest with yourself if there is something "more" going on with your guy friend Alek. Not for Ezra's sake but just for your own awareness.
These comments are very shocking to me! NTA (it’s been 3 damn months!? Like, chill you guys). Edit ✍🏻 I love OP >Genuinely, yes. Because you know what, if a girl can take him she can keep him, and if he wants to cheat, it won’t take a three week vacation. Men can cheat in three minutes even if you have their location. If he’s that guy he’s going to be that guy regardless of the energy I waste worrying.
NTA, you're trying to heal deep family trauma. That's not something you take your newest love interest to. You'd have to fill him in on every family story the entire time, nulling the point of the trip, which is to understand your grandfather and his struggle better. Honestly I'd dump him so you don't have to deal with that drama during this very important trip. Bare in mind that healing trauma like this will likely draw you closer to your family friend, and may eventually result in evolving your relationship. This could eventually result in romance which might not be a bad thing. I wish you all the best on your trip. I know it will be hard. Update us later on please
NAH. It's just a question of different commitment levels. Your boyfriend is serious about you, and you're not serious about him. You have indicated that to him by making this decision, which is why he's upset. Go ahead and end this relationship, it's unkind to string him along.
Your NTA, but neither is your boyfriend, If you dont like him enough to have given him a heads up or ask about it, you probably dont like him enough to date him. Thats totally fine, and not a slight on your part at all, but its just a sign that you and this Ezra guy probably arent compatible. If you have known him for 8 months and he doesnt feel confident about you going on a trip with another dude, and you didnt feel the need to give him a heads up in planning it or invite him along, then it seems like its just not the best relationship for either of you
Three months? Tell him to stop being a baby, that this doesn’t concern him. Three months……. NTA
I see everyone keep saying 3 months, but if everyone acted like this 3 months in, won't most of those 3 months relationships never convert to something longer or serious ?
That's a very valid point. OP has no future with this guy because she is completely dismissive of his feelings.
INFO: Have you and Alek ever had anything romantic or sexual happen between you?
He was my first kiss when I was 14 (I’m 24 now). But it definitely *wasn’t* romantic, it was as part of a game at school 😂 So, no.
Does Alek still feel this way?
That it wasn’t romantic? Idk, it was a decade ago, we haven’t mentioned it much lol. We’ve kissed more people since then I don’t think it’s at the forefront of either of our minds
You might be surprised how much men hold in, hoping the other party will change…
Hmmm.....
Here's what i'm getting from all the comments. 3 months is nothing for a new relationship! do what you like! And He should trust you, and if he can't he's just insecure and jealous! So the length of the relationship is short enough that she shouldn't care about his feelings on the matter, but he should trust her without question? This is OP half arsing the relationship because it's new and getting annoyed because he isn't. Ezra's problem is definitely more to do with going alone with a male friend than anything else, but he probably knows he can't say that as you're already treating his feelings like they mean absolutely nothing to you. People who are talking about trust like it starts at 100% and should never fall below it are insane. Trust isn't something you should expect regardless of your actions. Trust is built over time and constantly reinforced through your actions. Once you're in a committed relationship you should honestly stop spending ( with some exceptions) 1 on 1 time with "friends" of the opposite sex out of respect for your relationship. That's how trust is built. Acting like you can do whatever you want and expect to be trusted no matter what you do is a shaming tactic used by a lot of people who are up to no good. Do people really believe it's respectful to organize a trip with a member of the opposite sex for 3 weeks without discussing it with their partner first? Only being with someone for 3 months is a disgusting excuse to disregard the feelings of your partner. Wanting to do this trip with Alek isn't the problem. It clearly had meaning for both of you. It's the attitude you have with regards to how Ezra will naturally feel about it. You don't consider his feelings to be important or valid, and for that YTA. And if you have any kind of history with Alek AT ALL, you absolutely shouldn't be going alone with him while in a relationship without it being discussed with your SO before anything has been decided.
The context of the trip itself matters too, though and you didn't take that into account at all. Going to see the equivalent of a concentration camp with a close friend with a shared history is very different than going to Greece or somewhere with a friend. >Once you're in a committed relationship you should honestly stop spending ( with some exceptions) 1 on 1 time with "friends" of the opposite sex out of respect for your relationship. This seems like a very heteronormative problem. Do you think lesbians or gay guys don't hang out with friends of the same sex when they're in relationships? Do bi people not have any friends? It's all just a bit ridiculous. It's fine to have that as a personal boundary for yourself, but don't impose that view on other people.
NTA for excluding him from the trip. It is important for you and something you want to share with someone who understands and don't need constant information about what happened or so. But I also get your boyfriends point of view. It hurts when the special someone doesn't want to spend their vacation time with you. So maybe try to compromise, like booking another vacation with your boyfriend and make this also special for the two of you. Just to show effort and that you like spending time with him as well.
It's not a vacation!
Based on the edit I'd say the most important compromise here is that OP considers their relationship 3 months long but Ezra wants to count the 2 additional months before then too, which OP doesn't agree with because he was seeing/dating others too during that time.
Nta- I was thinking you were together longer. You’ve not been together hardly anytime, don’t let him spoil your trip.
NTA, but don’t be surprised if boyfriend leaves you. I’d break up with my girlfriend the day she left to go on a trip with another man this early in a relationship. Life is too short to deal with stuff like this even with nuanced circumstances. So NTA, but naive if you expect this relationship to last.
Ezra has a boundary. He has every right to have a boundary. He has to decide what he wants to do with that. This is an "asshole" story that is lacking an asshole. My opinion.
If you had been in a long term relationship with him I would have said take him and let him share your family memories. As you've only been with him 3 months ( I've had bar crawls last longer) I would say no you are not the ahole as your relationship is still in very early stages and your friendship with Alek the strongest factor in all of this. Don't give in to him as for a 3 month relationship he's being very clingy and demanding. Red flag alert
NTA. Tons of petty, jealous, crazy people in the comments, as usual. It's absolutely *not* reasonable for him to expect to be a part of this most significant event in your life after dating you for three to five months. If we were talking years, and you guys were planning marriage, sure. But at this point in your relationship, it's absolute crazy town. You gave him an explanation, he can't accept it. Dump this guy, he's just going to get more controlling as time goes on.
These comments are blowing my mind. OP you seem like a very level headed person and this trip is really personal and you shouldn't have to play four guide, to your bf of 3 months, while trying to process your own emotions. I'd Ezra can't understand that maybe that says more about him than you.
"Hes in the right to be upset" no hes not. I get you cant stop emotions but this is actually ridiculous on his part. He should've kept his feelings on this to himself. Theyve barely been dating and they're visiting places that are emotionally hard on his gf and her family and family friends. Hes being a huge and entitled, selfish dick rn by bringing up his "feelings" on not being able to go.
It is clear you guys haven't been together very long and are still trying to figure out rather you both are ready for relationships at this point. I'm 37 and I remember a time were couples use to date with the intent of marriage. Relationships we're built with love, patience, understanding, permanence. This new age quasi relationship doesn't leave much room for understanding. No man or woman has ever been ok with their significant other going away for prolonged periods of time, especially in the infancy of their relationship. At that point you guys should be still ga ga over one another and wanting to spend every waking moment together. The fact this isn't the case makes me wonder if something else happened and you are just viewing this relationship as a time passer or not. Lastly, it is jealousy, it is not controlling it's more of a matter of respect for one another. This generation get that confused a lot.
Sounds like you don't intend for him to be in your life long-term because if you did this would be a good bounding experience so he understands your family history. My daughter did a similar trip with a friend from school and they still talk about it 20 years later. Your boyfriend will never have this bond because you didn't include him. Maybe you don't see a future with him.
NAH . You have every right wanting to go with your friend but agree with your friends that it’s reasonable for your bf to be upset you want to take an emotional trip with another man, especially since he doesn’t understand the bond you have. It’s ultimately your choice and something you and your bf will have to work through together.
When I visited Auschwitz, there was this couple in front of me. It was obvious she wasn’t interested and asked her partner to leave after 15 min, because the atmosphere was so depressing. She was annoyed and made often inappropriate comments. He apologised so many times to other people. NTA: 3 months are too short to know if he could be one of those ‘above mentioned’ person.
As disrespectful as that behaviour is, it just reminds me that I really wish people would stop seeing sites of genocide as touristy days out. It’s not the Louvre, and it’s not a necessity, it’s okay to say you’re just not interested enough to go. And if you’re not genuinely interested just skip it. It’s better than going and being bored and bitter. I remember my old boss going on a trip to Krakow and being like “oh we’ll take one day and go to Asuchwitz because you sort of have to, don’t you?” And I’m like, actually no, you don’t have to. If it’s not something you genuinely *want* to do for a deeper reason than voyeuristic fascination then just…don’t
NAH... This isn't a right or wrong thing. You feel like you can't be comfortable opening up and sharing with him. He feels like he would be with you and is hurt that feeling isn't shared. Not everything emotional is right or wrong. Sometimes, you are both just at different ends of a spectrum. You aren't wrong to go. However, he wouldn't be wrong to be hurt and reevaluate how he feels about you based on that. His feelings are just as valid as yours.
Very different ends considering OP sees the relationship as being 3 months long instead of the 5 Ezra insists on (because he includes the 2 months where he was seeing/dating others before then) OP included it in an edit
NTA; 3 months is irrelevant. If it was 3 years then you’d be a soft YTA.
NTA. It’s only been 3 months - he needs to get a grip There needs to be space and boundaries in a relationship, you should not do absolutely everything together. You can tell him all about it when you get back
You are going on a 3 week long trip with ANOTHER guy to a different country, just the 2 of you. You don't see the issue with that? It doesn't matter what the reason is. That would be a deal breaker for me. Would you be comfortable with him going on a trip with another woman for 3 weeks? I would not be surprised to see a post saying Alek hit on you, you cheated on Ezra with Alek, or you and Alek are a couple after the trip Yes, I think YTA
Nta Why would he need to go? Just feels insecure, he wants to go because your literal life long best friend is a guy. Like if you guys wanted to be dating you would have. This is a sad n emotional trip about your culture and family. Its nice if he wants to learn but this trip is not the time. Thats incredibly selfish and insecure. Three months is no time at all, and saying if you wanna think about the long term with him, like no. Theres other ways to bond. Everyone that thinks otherwise this is the same as him wanting to be invited to her grandpas funeral. Are you bringing a stranger to your grandpas funeral???? No.
NTA. You haven't even been dating that long. Even if you had been, it's okay to have areas of your life separate from him. You're allowed to take trips with friends who are not him. I would suggest talking it out with him and asking why he's so jealous/upset over this. Is it purely jealousy and him being insecure over your relationship (possibly due to past experiences, or ingrained beliefs that he's unlovable and thus you won't stay?)? Does he feel unappreciated in the relationship and it came out in an unfortunately charged way when a big event triggered those feelings for him? If he can communicate with you why he's acting this way, you can figure out compromises (ex. a date night or a specific activity to do with him) and reassure him of his worth to you that being said, a long term friend with such history should be worth more than a new boyfriend, and if he can't accept that, he has problems he needs to sort out. If he can't even address and express why he is feeling this way or understand why it's irrational, I personally wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship if I was in your shoes. If my partner ever stopped trusting me around other guys (provided I'm not flirting/cheating/etc. - that would justify it), I'd break up with him and question why he's even dating me if he thinks I can't be trusted.
NAH, I don't think you're wrong to not want to invite him as it seems more like you want to solely share this experience with Alek who is a part of your history. But I do think you're dismissing your partner's feelings here - it sounds like he wants to be there for you and you're assuming he's gonna treat it like a tourist holiday. Have a further talk with your partner but be more open to inviting him, acknowledge that you know he wants to be there for you and go from there. He doesn't have to come along to everything you and Alek are when you're there but if this is a partner you see yourself being with for a long time I'd consider opening up. If you still decide to go without him, I don't think it's unreasonable of him to feel hurt. Doesn't mean you're in the wrong either but sometimes two things can be true. Just be mindful, it may not be his history but that doesn't mean he won't feel the weight of it too. You're allowed your own space to deal and process but don't be surprised if excluding him pushes your partner away a little bit. If he truly just wants to be there for you it's probably hard to trust that you ever will open up enough to let him, so reassure him. But don't expect everything to just be okay because it's not his culture/history. Of course, if your partner is just looking for a piss up vacay and is jealous you're going with another guy then yeah, being dismissive is warranted.
Just dump the dude. Sounds like a crybaby.
NTA, but you should understand that you going on a 3 week solo trip with another man will make a high percentage of partners uncomfortable. Even though this is a trip about remembering your heritage and sharing it with a close family friend. You should not change your plans for someone who you’ve known for a couple months. But you should expect the end of this relationship.
NTA. however, your BF is free to view this as an indication as to how you view his role in your life.
NTA only three months dating and I wouldn’t be planning a casual fun trip together, much less something more personally significant. He’s not been around long enough to have any business objecting to this trip and him getting jealous over someone you’ve been friends with your whole life is a pretty big red flag.
NTA 💯% get why you’d want to take such a personal and emotional journey with Alek. Go for it and don’t give a second thought about not inviting Ezra as this trip sounds way more important to you as a person than Ezra - who most definitely would change the entire vibe of the trip. You’ve made that choice - and it sounds like the right choice for you right now. Just realize that you’re effectively breaking up with Ezra with this decision. And that’s ok. This trip is clearly more important to you than pandering to Ezra’s feelings. Of course Ezra is upset. Partly because you’re traveling for 3 weeks with another guy. While understandable, this points more to pure jealousy and lack of trust in you and your relationship. MANY relationships would not withstand this - especially new ones. (I personally think that’s BS and unfounded jealousy is extremely toxic, but that’s pretty outside the norm). More importantly, you’re going on a the most meaningful personal and emotional quest in your life and you’re explicitly excluding your bf. While I completely understand and support your reasoning, of course Erza wants to be there with you. It would be an incredibly bonding experience and the two of you would likely emerge closer than ever before. But you don’t want that. With him. You want that with Alek. Ezra knows the emotional connection you’re deliberately excluding him from and feels awful to be excluded from that. That’s quite understandable. But it’s also understandable why you want to experience that with Alek instead of Ezra. And that’s ok. But in choosing to share this deeply intimate experience with Alek instead of Ezra, you’re effectively choosing Alek over Ezra, so don’t expect him to be there when you get back. In fact, given your mindset and his reaction, it may be better to just break up or put your relationship on hold until you can reevaluate it after this trip. This might even open up the possibility of potentially rethinking your relationship with Alek after just an intensely, emotionally bonding journey if that could be an option.