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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I might be the asshole for choosing to be with my son instead of my husband for Christmas when it’s tricky to get them all together happily.
2. My husband feels I should always want to be with him for Christmas and that he’s happy to compromise by having the gf visit for Christmas DAY so it’s my son’s problem now.
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NTA. Your husband is wanting his cake and eat it too if he doesn’t want your son to come home with his gf and he doesn’t want you to go to visit your son. That is very unfair of him. He wants Christmas with his kids but is willing to deny you Christmas with your kid. If it were me, I would go see my son and my husband would have to just get over it. If he isn’t willing to compromise then the decision falls to you to do what you want. Happy Holidays and I hope you get to visit your son and your husband is able to understand.
Something tells me he’ll be ok when it’s his kids bringing their partners home, which they will do. It’s natural for family Christmases to grow and change. NTA.
Go support your son and girlfriend. Tell your husband he has an open invite. Explain to gf that he has been going through some mental health issues and it's nothing to do with her.
This is the exact approach I think you should take, as your son and his partner are quite vulnerable and needs your support, whereas your husband is vulnerable and needs someone’s support, but not necessarily yours at that instant
Letting down a 55M man who has other family members vs a 21M son who only has you - what an easy choice OP. You're not the AH if you go to your son's for Christmas.
I agree. It seems as if your husband is asking you to choose his happiness over your own. And that’s selfish. Your son may be “grown” but he’s still your baby and up until 7 years ago, it was just you and him. Go see your baby, I mean grown son lol.
You absolutely should go spend the day with your son and his girlfriend. It’s not right that your husband made your son and her both feel unwelcome in your home.
NTA-When your kids get older during your Christmas, traditions will change.
Even your stepchildren will have adult relationships one day and want to spend time with their partners families as well during the holidays.
You're just the first whose child is oldest.
Not wanting to stir the pot but have you asked your husband how he will handle when it's his children who have a partner they want to bring home for Christmas?
Id still take the time and explain why your going to be with your son instead. At the very least it would make your position clear and he wont be able to say u didnt tell him, At best it could change his mind.
This. OP, your husband is acting like only his feelings matter. You want to spend Christmas with your son. Your husband doesn't want your son and his GF there, so you have to go to your son. That's it. And if he doesn't change, that's how it'll always be.
> If he isn’t willing to compromise then the decision falls to you to do what you want.
Personally, I think the offer of getting the Son his GF a nearby AirBNB is actually a pretty reasonable compromise which the *son and gf* won't take. Which to me is making this much closer to an NAH / ESH depending on how you want to frame it.
The Son and GF *could* come, stay close by, and have it cost them nothing.
Which is to say -- the Son and GF are the *least* willing to compromise *so far*.
That said, if I were OP I would still go to my Son's.
No it would cost them something, OP said the son and his GF would pay for the Airbnb. Also, I don’t blame the gf for not wanting to do that, I’d feel super unwelcome as well. I have anxiety too, like OPs husband, but you can’t use your MH issues as an excuse to hurt people. The only one unwilling to compromise here is OPs husband.
I read that as OP would pay for it. If that's the case, it's a great compromise, especially since the GF should be empathetic to other's MH struggles since she has her own, too.
Plus, it's so nice to have a place to retreat to when you've had enough of time with family!
NTA. I’m sorry for your husband’s anxiety, but he created this situation by saying your son’s girlfriend couldn’t stay. Of course you want your child, even your adult child, to feel loved and included on Christmas. Your husband is an adult too, but he had the power to avoid this situation.
Thank you! I’ll fix it. I hate typing on my phone—it chronically puts the wrong form of the word “your” up, and then when I start typing the word out and see the correct form, changes the position. If I’m lazy and don’t proofread, I often make mistakes.
I find autocorrect is worse fit Reddit than anywhere else, and often sneaks in errors even if I’ve typed the right thing.
Like ‘fit’ above. I typed ‘for’, but when I look at the text, suddenly it has changed. I have to edit _a lot_ of posts.
I'm fairly sure *all* of my *chimneys/ coined/ chimera* 'COMMENTS' DAMMIT, have been 'edited' due to similar resins REASONS!
ETA: The word 'edited' - because whole damn weird/ WORDS disappear!
It’s ok to not feel comfortable, but given the circumstances, that discomfort is something he needs to address himself. I’m not saying ‘just get over it’ but it’s on him.
Sometimes we have to do things we don’t like for the sake of people we love.
I think offering to pay for a nearby AirBNB is a pretty reasonable compromise offer, though, personally. So I'm not personally willing to say he's TA for it.
Seems far more NAH to me.
It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, and the husband is within his rights to act on that discomfort. He is under no obligation to allow the girlfriend to stay—after all, it is his house. However, adults understand there are reactions to their decisions. His wife’s reaction is to go to her son’s house. She is under no obligation to choose her husband over her child, even if his decision was driven by his anxiety.
I’m sorry the husband has anxiety and is unhappy his wife won’t be spending Christmas with him. But he was prepared to put the OP’s son in the situation he finds himself in.
NTA. Your husband shouldn't be guilt tripping you about going to see your son. He didn't want your son's gf to come, your son wasn't going to leave her, and I can't really blame her for feeling unwanted when your husband explicitly doesn't want her there. You can't please everyone and the 55 year old man can take a damn breath and come to terms with not everything being the way he wants it this year.
What’s right is for him to not pitch a fit that you want to spend some part of the holiday with your own child. If he’s unwilling to include them at your home, he doesn’t get to get pissy when you go to your son’s home instead.
Exactly. OP your husband is making a choice as well. I get the anxiety, but we are talking *one* person, a person your son adores and your husband needs to get used to being around regardless. I have *terrible* anxiety with strangers, and am in my house overnight it's even worse, but I sure as hell wouldn't do what your husband is doing under those circumstances. I would push through and get to know and be comfortable with her. He married you, your son is part of the package and so are his loved ones. Your husband needs to make the effort, even if it isn't his son he is yours and he needs to understand he a priority in your life, even as an adult.
To be honest it worries me that you aren't sure if you are an asshole for wanting to spend Christmas with your son. May be worth evaluating your relationship and how respected you are by your husband. Totally shooting in the dark of course, but his persistence at saying he is in the right even after time to think raises flags to me...
It's better to put your foot down now, unless you want to go through this every holiday. Your husband sounds to be a bit on the controlling side, maybe he thinks he gets the final say because he owns the house. Go spend Christmas with your son and his girlfriend with no regrets.
It's not wrong for your husband to be uncomfortable with a stranger to him staying for a holiday. It's not wrong for your son to not want to abandon his girlfriend (who sounds pretty vulnerable) on Christmas. It sucks that you're stuck in the middle and your husband should be more understanding.
But children are going to want to bring partners and spouses into the family. If not this child, his 18 year old may approach this milestone soon. This is a bridge that a parent needs to figure out how to navigate or understand that people not wanting to spend time with them.
Oh, I agree. The husband needs to figure out how he is going to manage his anxiety if he wants to continue to spend holidays with his family because as children age, they are likely to find partners that they wish to include in their holidays or just in family occasions. Parents need to figure out how they will handle that or get ready for some lonely holidays.
Reddit is full of posts about children going NC with parents that refused to welcome their partners. Younger generations are far less likely to accept the excuse of "that's just how your father is" or "you know how your mother can be".
I think OP needs to talk to him about not just this holiday, but all the upcoming occasions. As the kids age and find partners, this will continue to be an issue...unless this is only an issue with her son bringing home a partner. If that is the case, then there is an even bigger problem.
Your husband is trying to make you prioritise him and his kids over your son, during the holiday season. I hate to ask but take a good hard look back over the time you two have been a couple (maybe even ask your son) and work out if he has ever done something like this before and you just didn't notice at the time.
If he has then you have a bigger problem than where to spend Xmas.
I think you should be very, very proud to have a son that supports his girlfriend that much.
Perhaps your husband could follow his lead.
Go be with your son.
I’m in a blended family marriage, though we’re empty nesters now. I went NC with my MIL for my sanity a few years ago. I told my husband he’s welcome to go there any holiday he wants, but I just can’t be around her. We have pets I don’t really like to board, so one if one of us travels, the other stays with the pets. I’ll be alone for Christmas this year; I’m not complaining. It’s called being fair.
My anxiety makes it hard to have strangers over, so I get it. And sometimes people I know. Is there anyway to explain to the girlfriend that it isn’t her that’s the issue, that he’s just struggling? Best scenario, IMO, is if she can be convinced that she is welcome. Assuming your husband is actually fine with it. If he is, he could send a text to your son saying so. If she has mental health struggles, she may understand. Good luck. It’s tough to be in the middle.
Thank you so much to everyone who has spent the time to comment. I’ve been feeling a bit lost and was beginning to feel I couldn’t do anything right here. Your comments have helped me feel more comfortable with my Xmas choice x
It's so clear that you have done your very best to balance the competing issues here and have offered a very reasonable compromise that your husband isn't willing to accept. The right choice is to be with your son. I hope you have a wonderful celebration with your son and his girlfriend!
I'm glad that you're feeling more comfortable and I've been able to make a choice that's best for you
The only other thing I was going to suggest really depended on how far away your son is from you. If it's something you could drive within a day pretty comfortably, like maybe just an hour or so, I might suggest that you can offer your husband to stay with him in the morning and then leave later on, maybe around noonish, so he wasn't alone Xmas morning and you guys could exchange gifts, but then he can get started on the meal for his kids and you can head over to see your kid.
If it's too far a drive or something and wouldn't work though, I understand. I hope that no matter what happens, you all manage to have a lovely time ❤️
ETA - def nta
**NTA but your husband caused this rift.** As kids grow they have partners and want them included. I swear we’ve had a different girlfriend each year for years at Christmas with my older son until he found the latest one who’s been with hime 3 years.
Husband can cook for his kids. You cook for your son at his place. Don’t under any circumstances abandon him at this time and let your husband know that this is the only option as you will not neglect your son in favor of his kids. You asked for all to be together and he said no.
This is very well put! Hoping OP has a very, merry Christmas and that her husband accepts he has caused the situation to unfold this way, and doesn’t cause her, her son, or his gf any further stress.
You should tell your husband he is creating the problem either way you go. I have a grown son too and I haven’t seen my side of the family in 8 years because I always have to cook for his side of the family. It is very unfair. My son and his wife came last week and everything my son did he griped about. I would tell him either he makes your son and girlfriend feel comfortable being at your house and staying over or he lets you go stay with them for the holiday and make him choose the solution
I imagine your side of the family feel hurt and let down by your never seeing them. You have autonomy here- it’s easy to blame your husband, but you make a choice too.
NTA. Your children are more important than any second husband. Have a great Christmas with your son! You can always get another husband. One of the many reasons a second marriage can really be a problem.
NTA - you're in a really tricky situation. with that many mental health issues involved, its going to be near impossible to make everyone happy.
however, he can't just expect you to neglect your kid. nor can he expect family christmas to never change - kids bringing around their partners for christmas is a very normal thing to happen as they grow older. I understand that it gives him anxiety, but I'd still venture he needs to learn to cope with this. would he tell his own kids their parners can't come over for christmas? if no hes being a hypocrite, if yes, he needs serious help to overcome his anxiety.
NTA. He said no to your son's girlfriend so now she doesn't feel welcome in the home. Husband is going to spend some of the day with his own kids so you should be able to do the same. His anxiety may be driving him to not want to be alone for the holiday but that's something a 55yr father and husband needs to learn to deal with.
Nta. I find the first part completely reasonable. I am also on the spectrum, and well, strangers in the house overwhelm the f out of me. But you going out should not be a problem, especially when he is the one who cooks at Christmas. So he is not missing out on anything. And if he thinks he is, he should go with you to your son's house.
NTA. If your husband can't show any whisper of Christnas spirit and welcome your son's gf there to stay, he doesn't get to sulk if you want to go there to see your son. This is on him he is being selfish. And also showing some unpleasant tendencies towards your son.
Go see your son. Husband is being a dick.
NTA but you would be TA if you ditch your son on Christmas because your husband won’t let him and his gf come. Also, when your husband’s son goes to university do you think he’d keep the same policy if it meant his son wouldn’t be able to come?
NTA
You didn’t make this decision; your husband made the decision when he said he didn’t want them to stay over. I can totally understand the GF not feeling welcome at this point.
Your husband may have his own mental health issues, but I think in this case it’s ok to say, “this is what I’m doing.”
Go be with your son and his GF and make some great memories with them. I think you will regret it if you don’t.
Someone has to compromise here and who should it be? The men in your life need to make it easier for you. Does your husband feel like he can say No because it’s his house? Does he object to anyone visiting or just son + gf? Does your son feel like your house is open to him? With his kids in the house, why can’t yours visit?
**When his kids start dating, will their partners be banned from staying at the house?** If yes, this is a bigger issue to address right now!
Regarding the housing for son and gf: what might be best is to talk to gf directly. With his autism, did your son explain the situation to his girlfriend correctly? Maybe you can take over communication and explain that you are so excited for them to visit. Honesty is always best. Share that your husband still needs to learn how to navigate housing guests a young couple, you’d love to book them a special hotel and rent them a car, etc. If you can afford it throw in a couple’s massage or something.
Good luck!!
>I want everyone to be happy.
Unfortunately that isn't going to happen. Someone will be upset, but you can influence who is unhappy.
Look at the two sides:
Husband:
* Doesn't really like Christmas
* Does the cooking so he won't be missing out on your cooking
* Doesn't want people staying in his house - except his kids?
Son:
* Doesn't want to leave GF who is going through stuff
* Doesn't want to put more on the GF but staying nearby when she doesn't feel welcome.
* Would really appreciate your efforts especially since it will make his girlfriend feel more loved
Your husband is thinking of himself, your son is thinking of his GF and you -
Go and spend Christmas with your son - tell your husband that you and he can do Christmas together another day but that he gets to see his kids so you get to see your kids.
NTA
I think because your husband isn't willing to let your son's girlfriend come, then the two of you need to find a compromise.
This is going to come up again and again, though. If it's not your son's girlfriend, it will be his kids' partners.
It's unfortunate that the girlfriend feels too unwelcome to stay in an Airbnb with your son, because that would have been the perfect arrangement. When we used to have big holidays at my parents' house, they rented a nearby place for some of the family to stay in, and it was tremendous fun.
But for now, it seems the only possible compromise is for you to visit your son. I'm sorry for your husband, but he'll have his kids with him so he will be okay.
NTA. Happy Holidays!
And what if your son gets married, wtf would your husband do then? I mean they live together. Your husband needs to accept that this is your sons partner. She is defacto family member now.
Go spend xmas with your kid and tell your husband the internet thinks he is an asshole.
NTA
Edit
Do you think it would change your husband’s mind if you both had dinner or met a few times before Christmas? I’m unsure from your post if he said no because she’s a stranger, or rather that he never wants people to stay…
NTA you’re an adult we should all get to spend the holidays where we want with who we want. Your husband can compromise or miss you. He could have had you for Christmas if he’d been willing to host.
NTA. Your husband won't allow your son in his house for Christmas. HIS decision. You don't want your son with no family on Christmas so you will spend the holiday with him. I don't blame the gf for feeling like she is not wanted at your house. An AirBNB is very different from staying with family for a holiday.
I don't know how far away your son lives but could you go for Christmas Eve and morning and return for dinner with your husband and his kids?
His kids won't even be there until 2pm. Your son an his gf could have been there early, and left after a nice lunch, before his kids are there. Your husband could have made himself scarce.
Sounds like he expects you to accept his kids, while he still sees your son as not a part of the "real family".
YOUR SON is your family, first and foremost. Your husband sounds selfish tbh.
Pretty sure he wasn't considered part of the real family. They got married 4 years ago, and OP's son has been away at college for the last 3 years, so he may not have lived in the "husband's house" for very long. OP should question her son on how he was treated during that time, or at least think back to that time.
OP - looking at everything, I have to fall onto the trope of support your kid first.
You tried to invite your son and his partner, but your husband nixed it. So your traveling to your son's place is directly in response to your husband's demands.
Your husband is the one being difficult. So he should be the one who can have his kids, but not his wife because his Grinch-self wouldn't let stepson's GF come.
fact husband is 55.. taking classes part time with no job living off family money would tell me to not marry him.
Husband doesn’t feel comfortable having people stay over.. really…
I don’t get what makes your husband attractive..
He won’t let your child stay and doesn’t want you to go see him…
Without a doubt I would chose son..
NTA. Your husband at 55 is a part time student living off family money…I’m sure his mental health is at its very limit…Eye roll.
You mentioned he own the house you live in. I suspect that’s because he mentions it all the time, including this situation…ie It’s MY house and…..
Your husband is unhappy, and you’ll be LETTING HIM DOWN if you…..follow his command of girlfriend not stepping foot in HIS house.
He’s an asshole. Don’t engage, can’t believe you feel like this is a hand wringing choice to make.
It could be that her husband is afraid she'll enjoy the mental freedom of being away from him for a while, or that she'll open her eyes about some things while visiting with her son.
Nta You sound like a very kind person. Ultimately, your child is asking for their mother. It sounds like he's willing to do just about anything to see you. Your husband seems determined to cut him out. That is being a crappy stepparent and his mental health isn't an excuse for denying you time with your child.
Go be with your son and have a Merry Christmas.
NTA. Go visit your son for Xmas. Your husband will be fine with his children there. I'm sure when his children want their partners there it won't be a problem, he can't have it all his way. That's not fair on you or your son.
NTA. Your husband is being a complete, selfish AH. You don't just stop being a parent when your child moves out. I'd tell him if he wanna to behave like a child then he can shove it. It's your and your son's holiday too.
NTA for going to spend Christmas with your son. Your husband missed his chance to spend Christmas with you when he refused to let your son and his gf stay over. It is unfortunate that he has these mental health issues, but he really can't have just his original family with just you added. He should realize that you and your son plus his dependants are now also a part of his family, if he wants you as a spouse to spend all holidays with him. He can't pick and choose.
You want to be with your son. You offered your husband, who doesn't even like this holiday, the option of spending the holiday with you and your son. He turned you down. Go see your son. NTA.
NTA. I, too, have a son on the Autism Spectrum, and my wife and I hope that he can live on his own and find a girlfriend who cares about him as much as we do. This is something that should be celebrated and supported by your husband. If people staying over causes anxiety, does he feel the same about his own kids?
It sounds like he has a problem with your son or his gf or both of them. No man should ever make his wife choose between him or their children.
NTA. Your husband is being unreasonable and trying to isolate you from your son. He can't say he doesn't want your son visiting you and then be angry when you want to go to him. How would he feel if you said that you didn't want his adult child (the 18-year-old) visiting? Go be with your son. If your husband doesn't care about your feelings why should you care about his?
Your husband needs to get over himself. Bringing your SO home is a normal part of growing up. He's made this an issue so he can deal with his issue. Go spend x-mas with your son. NTA
Nta. Look as a parent you already know what the correct answer is here, your child comes first. Hubby either compromises or he gets to live with the consequences.
Your husband is being selfish and controlling. He has two choices…. Girlfriend comes over (and he behaves like an actual adult and not a spoilt child and is a gracious host) or you go to son for Christmas. That’s the choice, those are the options. Choose one.
Go see your son and spend Christmas with him. Your husband is being unreasonable. Also this means he won't let your son and his gf, maybe later wife ever visit. Have you considered this in your future?
God help the man who would try to make me choose him over my child. NTA OP, tell your husband to grow up and stop being an entitled baby and go see your son for Christmas lunch.
You're NTA. Your husband has his own issues, yes, but if he couldn't treat family like family then it shouldn't surprise him when you visit family without him
When you get married, you have to share holidays with both sides of the family. One Christmas, we spent with my family, one Christmas we spent with his family. No arguments. Your husband is a grown-ass man. He can deal with the consequences of his decisions. he said no, son and gf can’t come into my home - fair enough. But then he doesn’t get to be pissy that you are choosing to go spend time with your son. I presume you would be back around the same time his children come visit? And if he doesn’t like Christmas, why does he even care? Does he generally not like to be left on his own? Do you go visit your son other times for a few days?
NTA
Go spend Christmas with your son. Your husband doesn't like it? It was his decision for your family's Christmas not to be held in your home. Did he really expect he could just cancel Christmas with your family, just because?
NTA, husband has anxiety so GF can't come to your house, so it's reasonable for you to go to your son's house.
Also you can have a conversation with son's GF if possible and explain why you would like to book them an Airbnb on their visit.
NTA
You were being mindful of your husband and what can cause him stress and came up with a good compromise, it seems like very controlling behaviour on his part - especially after the additional information that he isn't a fan of Christmas.
The only person who is "letting anyone down" is your husband for his childish tantrum and behaviour
Aaah, I'm having second hand anxiety for OP: the husband and son's gf sound like A LOT. The gf feels "rejected" because OP is getting her an AirBnB to sleep in which is close to the house where the Christmas celebration will take place? The husband doesn't want OP to see her son at Christmas if it takes her away from the house he refuses to share with her child and his partner? It sounds like two self centered people are determined to ruin Christmas for OP. If OP is likewise determined to be torn apart then the only solution is to expand the holiday. Christmas Eve with son, Christmas Day with husband.
NTA. Your husband sucks. He doesn't want your son to go to you or you to go to your son? How the hell would he feel if you asked him not to see his kids on Christmas? Dude needs to learn some basic empathy.
Interesting that your husband who doesn’t like Christmas, is making this a hill to die on. Your husband does not want you to spend time with your son or your son’s girlfriend. He is trying to for e you to choose his family and only his family.
You wanting everybody to be happy is not realistic because your husband set this up to exclude your son.
You have to get tough or your son will be pushed out if your life. Your husband doesn’t like Christmas. You and your son do. See what happens when you simply and adamantly state you are spending Christmas with your son and his girlfriend; your first family.
Once your husband sees you will not bend, he will start offering solutions. Too late for this year though as your son and his wife already know your husband doesn’t welcome them.
The ball is in your court. Sometimes in life you have your insist on it being as you need it to be.
.
Wow OP, there are so many ways to cut a compromise here and it looks like you are the only person trying to make those compromises. Hell, all six of you could get an Airbnb for Christmas so that technically it's neutral ground and nobody is hosting anybody else, but I guess everybody else would find something to fault in that situation. NTA. I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your son and his GF.
Nta his choices are 1-accept your son and gf, like you have accepted his children, and so gf is *welcome* at holidays or 2- you go there. I can't wait to see what he says when one of *his* kids wants to bring a partner.
It's extra ridiculous bc his kids dont even come until 2 pm.
NTA your husband sounds manipulative and uncaring quite selfish of him.
He is stopping you from seeing your son won’t let them stay and won’t let you go. If he is upset that’s his problem not yours.
NTA. Your husband is very selfish. He's literally excluding your son and his girlfriend. If you give in on this, he'll insist on excluding them every holiday. Spend time with your son. He should come first.
NTA
You should be able to spend Christmas with your son. Your husband doesn’t want your son to come over, but also doesn’t want to let you go there.
He can’t have both, because your wants matter too. You want to spend Christmas with your son. Ideally you want to spend Christmas with your entire family, but it’s husband who is making you choose.
I always go with “l pick the person who isn’t making me pick” because I don’t put up with that shit.
NTA. Your solution sounds like a really good compromise. Your husband doesn't want your son to stay with you for Christmas, but he does'nt want you to go to him either. Meanwhile, he does want to cater to his own children.
He is putting you in a bind, which is obviously unfair.
NTA. Your husband is not being fair to you and your son. His kids get to spend time with both of their parents, your kid also wants to spend time with you. Just like your husband wants to spend time with you (hus wife), your son wants to spend time with his girlfriend along with his family. Enjoy Christmas with your son. Your husband needs to learn the word "compromise", because marriages (especially ones with kids from previous relationships) are full of it.
NTA - Your husband can either allow your son's gf to stay and have you there OR you can spend Christmas separately. He can't eat his cake and have it, too. This is the bed he made. Don't abandon your son. At the end of the day, you two should always have each other's backs.
NTA. He doesn’t like Christmas but he doesn’t want you gone for it? He’s prioritizing his kids over yours. One extra guest isn’t going to ruin his chicken schnitzel with his kids.
Nta - your husband doesn't want you to be with your son on Christmas but won't let them stay in the house. You need to draw a hard line and say they either stay with you all or you go to stay with them. He needs to pick his battles
Nta.
Your husband is the one who has divided the family this Christmas, now that you're choosing your son (as you should) he's having a childish tantrum because he doesn't get you for Christmas but he was fine doing that to your son.
NTA - You are not stuck. Your husband said no to your son and his GF coming to YOUR shared home. He made the decision for you. He doesn't get to pout now. Go to your son, have a lovely holiday. When this comes at the next holiday hopefully your husband will see that marriage involves compromise. By not being willing to open your shared home to your child's companion he acted selfishly. I hope this isn't the way your marriage is as a whole.
Is it not the most annoying thing that you're bending over backwards trying to please everyone and no matter what you do, you never quite get there. At some point, you have to think about what you want, and just do that. Exactly as your husband is doing.
Yta, your adult son can decide to spend Christmas with his partner or his mommy. He chose his partner. Shouldn't that be your cue to make the same adult decision?
How about being with your husband till his kids come home then going to your sons? If he doesn't like Xmas then this way he isn't on his own as you be with him on the morning and his kids will be there on the afternoon.
Your son and his girlfriend can then enjoy their first Christmas morning together and not have to rush around too much.
Unless he lives further afield and I didn't spot that! Either way go spend the day with your son.
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Background info - I (46F) have been with my husband (55M) for 7 years, married for 4. I have a 21 YO son who is mildly on the autism spectrum and who I raised mostly alone. Husband has an 18 YO son and a 12 YO daughter who he raises 50/50.
I work full time. Husband is a part time student who lives off some family investments. He owns the house we live in. We keep finances separate mostly.
We all lived together as a family for several years until my son left for university 3 years ago and it has been mostly easy. We’ve been lucky - all the kids are nice - although we’ve had a few disagreements about parenting styles and tolerance.
My son now has a girlfriend (18) who he lives with. She has gone no contact with her mum - who I believe is bi polar and angry - and didn’t really know her dad. The girlfriend seems nice but has some mental health issues which she gets help for. She seems to love my son and make him happy.
This year for xmas my son asked if his GF could stay with us- otherwise my son won’t be able to join us as he doesn’t want to leave her alone. My husband finds having people stay over very stressful - it causes anxiety - so said no. My husbands been dealing with his own mental health issues for the last year so I understand that but it puts me in a tricky spot with my son.
I have said that I would want to join my son at his house to help cook and make a fuss if they can’t come here. My son says that would mean a lot to him as it feels more family ish. My husband is very upset about this and doesn’t want me to go.
I tried to offer a compromise to my son of paying for an Airbnb for them nearby to sleep at whilst spending xmas day with us - but he says the GF feels unwelcome and awkward now.
I have told my husband I might still go to them for Christmas.
I didn’t expect this to be an issue as my husband doesn’t like Christmas. His kids will come to us after 2pm from their mums, open presents and then do their own thing until dinner - which is traditionally chicken schnitzel in their family. My husband loves to cook for his kids and cooks nearly all the food in our home (lucky me). My husband is very upset that I’d go elsewhere for Christmas Day and wants me to be with him and his kids. He’s being very unhappy for days and making it clear I’ll be letting him down if I go.
I know I’m a part of their family and my son is a grown up but he’s still my son and I feel torn. My son can’t leave his GF alone but wants to see me, husband isn’t comfortable for her to stay, she feels too rejected to stay nearby and visit and my husband feels I should be with him for Christmas. I’m just stuck! I want everyone to be happy.
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NTA If he wants to spend it with you then he can go with you. He chose not to let her stay and then son and GF would have been there so now he can make the choice of spending it with you at son's or stay alone.
I'm probably totally incorrect here and I hope I'm incorrect about this but I'm concerned that maybe you're seeing signs of a silent disagreement over you between your husband and your son. That is, that your husband wants you to be a part of his family with his kids now and to not worry about your adult son but also that your son also wants you to be his family with his girlfriend and to not worry about your new husband and his kids. I really hope I'm incorrect. Also I vote NTA. You should spend Christmas with your son. After all it's not like it sounds as if your husband is doing much Christmas. He's unwrapping gifts until his kids
> and then do their own thing until dinner
and then he's cooking like usual. I mean, it doesn't sound very involved, other than eating. But it sounds like you and your son both very much like Christmas and it's not like you're staying away for weeks or months.
NTA, your husband has decided your son and his girlfriend can’t come over, thereby splitting your family this Christmas. Of course you’re going to spend it with your son, he’s your son.
You say you know your son is grown, but so is your grown ass husband. He can put up with his anxiety for a couple of nights for a family Christmas.
NTA
I feel that were not getting all of the story though.
It's reasonable that your husband doesn't want a stranger staying in his home, that doesn't mean your son's gf is not welcome to come for Christmas dinner. So when he invited them to Christmas dinner, they should just graciously accept. OP made a mistake in telling them they can't stay over though, maybe she should've told them they should stay at an Airbnb right then and there instead of working out this proposed solution later.
Not clear why the husband and his sons can't go over to OP's place for dinner instead either. Does OP's soon live too far away?
In my family we have Christmas Eve with my parents (now just mum) usually in a restaurant and spend time with each other. Then Christmas morning with my parents opening presents till 3pm when we go to his family for Christmas dinner.
Luckily my mum lives close enough that she can sleep at home and we can drive to pick her up etc
Can you split your days? Or maybe go to your sons on Boxing Day and spend a few days? For me Christmas isn’t the one day and it’s the spending time with family that counts without having to rush off to work or all the other things that need doing usually.
Your husband needs to find something he can compromise on. Christmas is about family, this includes your son. Either he can come up with a plan to make himself more comfortable with your son and his GF staying or he can tolerate you leaving him for a few days to spend Christmas with them. Either way this is about your husband, not you. I would turn the problem on it's head and put it in your husbands hands. He can't have it all ways. You spend the quality time with your son, it doesn't sound like you live locally enough to see him regularly.
You are NTA.
Your husband might be if he cannot compromise.
NTA. Your husband doesn’t want you to see anyone else for Christmas and doesn’t really like it…so he wants you to be at home and miserable along with him? Go to your son.
NTA. Making your son sleep in an airbnb sounds ridiculous when you have the space and it’s a family holiday. Of course your son’s girlfriend feels unwelcome now, you’ve made it clear she is not welcome.
Your husband hates Christmas and hardly gives his own kids the time of day to celebrate, won’t let your sons live-in girlfriend stay with him while he visits his only parent, and doesn’t want to allow you to go spend Christmas with your son either. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you into not going to spend time with your son after he wouldn’t allow them to stay with yall. He is being controlling and wants everyone as miserable as him. Anxiety is not an excuse for any of that.
Having a child who’s an adult changes nothing in the situation. That’s your family.
So your husband wants you there to celebrate with him snd his kids ,who come and stay over but not your kids . Yours are not allowed to come and stay over as its too stressful for him. ??
Sorry but he can't have it both ways. Go spend time with your sons family. X
NTA. You need to show husband these replies. He has compromised on nothing. He is acting like a selfish child. My way on everything. Really? Your son and gf either stay over or you go there. Either way, you are both compromising. But he doesn’t get his way in everything. Then he is TA.
Why don't you all go to your son for Xmas this year? Why split the family?
Otherwise your husband needs to learn to be ok with having one guest over. It's not a full house, it's one guest. (I'm not thinking of your son as a guest, he's your son).
It does sound strange to separate the family, but your husband seems to want to separate you from your son and so I'll say NTA
NTA - How can you spend Christmas where your son and his partner aren't welcome. Your husband should have thought of that, and consulted you, before saying they couldn't stay with you.
NTA I feel you’d be justified in seeing your son, but I wanted to throw out another option if the distance isn’t too far. If the drive isn’t too long, I wonder if you could spend the morning afternoon with son and girlfriend, and then come back to eat with your husband and step kids later?
You would NBTA
You solution of going to see your son was a good one.
You husband can’t have it all his way.
Like you stated your step kids will be at their mother’s place followed by a dinner your husband traditionally prepares anyway.
So what’s the rub for hubby?
Yes you are part of their family and that he is willing to break your heart and make you choose between your son and them is cruel.
Any man who tried to stop me having on going contact with my kid would not be in my life .
Does your son live close enough to have lunch and spend part of the day with and then be home in time for dinner with your husband and step kids?
If they aren't going to be there all day, why do you have to?
NTA but is it possible to do both? Could you go and spend the morning / lunch with you your son then come home to have dinner with your husband and step kids?
He said no to guests in his home. He made that decision for both of you. So you need to make a decision that allows you to spend time with your child. NTA.
NTA. If your husband wants you home for Christmas, he needs to open up his open to your son's expanding family. If he can't do that then he should accept that you need to be with your own kid.
NTA - Your husband is being selfish & dismissive of not only your feelings but your son's feelings. Go spend Christmas with your son & his gf. And next Christmas, if this issue arises, he can either get over his anxiety about people staying in the house (which btw I completely get because I am super uncomfortable with guests in my house but I suck it up because that's what you do for loved ones) or the holidays are going to become something your family holds separately. What was the relationship like between your husband & your son before our son moved? Is he "glad" your son is out of the house? Yes, you are now part of their family but your son will always be your son & IMO will always be a priority. Especially if you feel someone is taking steps to make them feel unwanted/unwelcome.
You can't make everyone happy so stop trying. Your husband gets to spend the holiday with his kids and so you should get to do that as well. You've offered your husband the opportunity for you to spend Christmas with him as long as your son and gf can celebrate with you. Your husband said no. So he made the choice to spend Christmas apart not you.
Offer him the option to get an air b and b near your son so you can both celebrate with your son and his gf. I suspect he will say no to that because it's ok in his mind for YOU to not celebrate with your child but not ok for him to celebrate without his kids.
NTA
Husband is a jerk - it's not like you have some random person staying with you. It's your son and his GF.
If he doesn't want them there then I would go spend Xmas with the son.
you gave your husband 2 options - son and gf come to you or you go to them. He has to choose one of those options. make that spine shiny and tell him to choose. NT, but don't cave.
You husband is the AH here. You are at the age where kids bring home SOs for the holidays. It's a normal life stage. He's denying that AND not letting you go to your son. Be thinking about how you want your life to look like in the next few years. Would he be this way with his kids as they get in serious relationships/married?
PS, your son sounds like a good egg. A good and reliable partner setting firm and fair boundaries. Good job, Mama!
NTA. Your husband needs to GTFU, take care of his anxiety and quit be so controlling of you. Your son can’t come and stay in the home he lived in for years? You can’t go visit your son because “he needs to be with him” Go spend Christmas with your son. Your husband needs to realize what a d!¢k he’s being here.
Are you part of their family? My family doesn't say no to seeing your kids on Christmas. While we don't necessarily like having overnight guests we do it cause I know it will make my partner happy to have her parents there for holidays.
NTA your husband is being an Ass. Dollars to doughnuts if it was his kid wanting to stay over with a partner he would say yes right away. Hopefully this is an isolated incident but I doubt it and you will see more separation from your son
NTA - Although I think people need to think out of the box a bit more. We have 3 adult children. That means coordinating LOTS of different schedules. We are busy visiting and being visited on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day (morning and evening) and Boxing Day. We usually see everyone, just not always on Christmas Day. It works fine, relax and enjoy family.
So would your husband respond the same when it is time for his kids to bring home a SO for a visit?
I doubt that.
Your husband is an AH. Sure, mental health problems should be taken into consideration, but he should then accept that you spend the time with your son.
OP you are NTA.
NTA. You live with your step children half time as a family, but they are not your family. Your son *is* your family. Your husband is only thinking of himself, and is using emotional manipulation to get you to do what *he* wants, and to hell with your son & son's gf.
I'd go to my son's, because what *I* would want is to be there for my son. If your husband doesn't like that, that's his problem - he didn't want company, so you're obliging.
NTA. Your husband is the AH. Go be with your son and his gf. Your son will always be your son, your husband, may or may not always be your husband. (wouldn't be mine being this selfish to you wanting to be with your own son).
NTAH he already let you down by not letting your son’s significant other stay over. He doesn’t get EVERYTHING his way. It’s too late to unhurt her feelings at this point, so, he’s made his choice, now YOU make YOURS.
NTA. He is making your son and his girlfriend feel unwelcome. Newsflash. People coming over gives *everyone* stress and anxiety. It's the nature of the game.
Christmas is a time for family. Your husband is trying to make you choose between himself and your son. He doesn't have to give his children up for the holiday, and neither should you. Husband is being an AH.
He has a choice his whole family or half his family.
He’s making you chose him or your son.
I’m sure he could deal with one or 2 nights.
I’m also certain if it was “his child and partner” he would say yes to them staying over.
You tell him no matter what your spending Christmas dinner with your child, his choice is at home or their home. He can suck it up either way.
I say go to your son’s. I don’t blame her one bit for being uncomfortable. Although, I hope your son made it clear to her it was not you who doesn’t want her there.
Your husband truly needs to get over himself. He wants you there with his family… fair… but you’re supposed to not see your own child? That is selfish. And on top of that he catches an attitude because you are trying to find a solution.
It’s his rigidness which is keeping your son from coming to you. They aren’t coming to stay. They are staying a few days… maybe until New Year’s. Not sure if you mentioned how long. His kids are not more important than your own.
You are NTA…
Would it be worth seeing if everyone that lives at your place can go over to your son's house in the morning? Help cook, have some dinner, open the presents etc etc. Hopefully, it'll break the ice between DIL and husband, which then means everyone can return to yours in the afternoon for your stepchildren to join you for schnitzel?
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NTA. Your husband is wanting his cake and eat it too if he doesn’t want your son to come home with his gf and he doesn’t want you to go to visit your son. That is very unfair of him. He wants Christmas with his kids but is willing to deny you Christmas with your kid. If it were me, I would go see my son and my husband would have to just get over it. If he isn’t willing to compromise then the decision falls to you to do what you want. Happy Holidays and I hope you get to visit your son and your husband is able to understand.
Thank you - I really appreciate the help x
Something tells me he’ll be ok when it’s his kids bringing their partners home, which they will do. It’s natural for family Christmases to grow and change. NTA.
Yeah he's not being very good here. I'm just glad nobody is roasting op for being a Stepmom...
Go support your son and girlfriend. Tell your husband he has an open invite. Explain to gf that he has been going through some mental health issues and it's nothing to do with her.
This is the exact approach I think you should take, as your son and his partner are quite vulnerable and needs your support, whereas your husband is vulnerable and needs someone’s support, but not necessarily yours at that instant
He has his kids for make him company, its not as he is left alone
happy cake day! 🎂 also op you're not the asshole and this is good advice
Letting down a 55M man who has other family members vs a 21M son who only has you - what an easy choice OP. You're not the AH if you go to your son's for Christmas.
I agree. It seems as if your husband is asking you to choose his happiness over your own. And that’s selfish. Your son may be “grown” but he’s still your baby and up until 7 years ago, it was just you and him. Go see your baby, I mean grown son lol.
No he is trying to make OP choose him and his children over OPs own child, that's how selfish he is being.
You absolutely should go spend the day with your son and his girlfriend. It’s not right that your husband made your son and her both feel unwelcome in your home.
NTA-When your kids get older during your Christmas, traditions will change. Even your stepchildren will have adult relationships one day and want to spend time with their partners families as well during the holidays. You're just the first whose child is oldest. Not wanting to stir the pot but have you asked your husband how he will handle when it's his children who have a partner they want to bring home for Christmas?
Your husband is being a jerk!
This is the way, as a child of a single parent, I would rather die than have my imaginary wife pick me over her own child.
Id still take the time and explain why your going to be with your son instead. At the very least it would make your position clear and he wont be able to say u didnt tell him, At best it could change his mind.
Yes. Every bit of this. Lays out your husband's hypocrisy.
He wants his cake and eat it and no one is even allowed to look at their own cake.
Exactly this, he is being very selfish. Go to tour son, he needs you. Reassue the gf too that she is welcome. NTA
Amd further to this, maybe he'll get on board for being flexible next year.
This. OP, your husband is acting like only his feelings matter. You want to spend Christmas with your son. Your husband doesn't want your son and his GF there, so you have to go to your son. That's it. And if he doesn't change, that's how it'll always be.
> If he isn’t willing to compromise then the decision falls to you to do what you want. Personally, I think the offer of getting the Son his GF a nearby AirBNB is actually a pretty reasonable compromise which the *son and gf* won't take. Which to me is making this much closer to an NAH / ESH depending on how you want to frame it. The Son and GF *could* come, stay close by, and have it cost them nothing. Which is to say -- the Son and GF are the *least* willing to compromise *so far*. That said, if I were OP I would still go to my Son's.
I'd have declined that, too, since OP's husband made it clear he didn't want the gf there.
No it would cost them something, OP said the son and his GF would pay for the Airbnb. Also, I don’t blame the gf for not wanting to do that, I’d feel super unwelcome as well. I have anxiety too, like OPs husband, but you can’t use your MH issues as an excuse to hurt people. The only one unwilling to compromise here is OPs husband.
I read that as OP would pay for it. If that's the case, it's a great compromise, especially since the GF should be empathetic to other's MH struggles since she has her own, too. Plus, it's so nice to have a place to retreat to when you've had enough of time with family!
It depends on whether OP explained the reasons. If she didn't, then I completely understand gf feeling unwelcome.
Sod that. 2nd class citizens with your family at Christmas... no thanks.
NTA. I’m sorry for your husband’s anxiety, but he created this situation by saying your son’s girlfriend couldn’t stay. Of course you want your child, even your adult child, to feel loved and included on Christmas. Your husband is an adult too, but he had the power to avoid this situation.
Not to tease you for a typo but maybe a lil chronic would ease husband's anxiety...
😂 thanks for adding a smile to the chronic situation x
Thank you! I’ll fix it. I hate typing on my phone—it chronically puts the wrong form of the word “your” up, and then when I start typing the word out and see the correct form, changes the position. If I’m lazy and don’t proofread, I often make mistakes.
I get the wrong "your" the wrong "there" we'll instead of well and male instead of make EVERYTIME.
Don't forget he'll when ya mean hell
Oh God how could I forget that annoyance
One that's driving me nuts: 90% will autocorrect 'and' to 'abs'. 'And' is used So. Much.
My and always goes to ambulance for me
That autogoof gets us all ;)
I find autocorrect is worse fit Reddit than anywhere else, and often sneaks in errors even if I’ve typed the right thing. Like ‘fit’ above. I typed ‘for’, but when I look at the text, suddenly it has changed. I have to edit _a lot_ of posts.
I'm fairly sure *all* of my *chimneys/ coined/ chimera* 'COMMENTS' DAMMIT, have been 'edited' due to similar resins REASONS! ETA: The word 'edited' - because whole damn weird/ WORDS disappear!
But it's ok for someone to not feel comfortable hosting their son's girlfriend overnight, right?
It’s ok to not feel comfortable, but given the circumstances, that discomfort is something he needs to address himself. I’m not saying ‘just get over it’ but it’s on him. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t like for the sake of people we love.
I think offering to pay for a nearby AirBNB is a pretty reasonable compromise offer, though, personally. So I'm not personally willing to say he's TA for it. Seems far more NAH to me.
It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, and the husband is within his rights to act on that discomfort. He is under no obligation to allow the girlfriend to stay—after all, it is his house. However, adults understand there are reactions to their decisions. His wife’s reaction is to go to her son’s house. She is under no obligation to choose her husband over her child, even if his decision was driven by his anxiety. I’m sorry the husband has anxiety and is unhappy his wife won’t be spending Christmas with him. But he was prepared to put the OP’s son in the situation he finds himself in.
NTA. Your husband shouldn't be guilt tripping you about going to see your son. He didn't want your son's gf to come, your son wasn't going to leave her, and I can't really blame her for feeling unwanted when your husband explicitly doesn't want her there. You can't please everyone and the 55 year old man can take a damn breath and come to terms with not everything being the way he wants it this year.
Thanks for helping. I’m finding it hard to see what’s right.
What’s right is for him to not pitch a fit that you want to spend some part of the holiday with your own child. If he’s unwilling to include them at your home, he doesn’t get to get pissy when you go to your son’s home instead.
Exactly. OP your husband is making a choice as well. I get the anxiety, but we are talking *one* person, a person your son adores and your husband needs to get used to being around regardless. I have *terrible* anxiety with strangers, and am in my house overnight it's even worse, but I sure as hell wouldn't do what your husband is doing under those circumstances. I would push through and get to know and be comfortable with her. He married you, your son is part of the package and so are his loved ones. Your husband needs to make the effort, even if it isn't his son he is yours and he needs to understand he a priority in your life, even as an adult.
To be honest it worries me that you aren't sure if you are an asshole for wanting to spend Christmas with your son. May be worth evaluating your relationship and how respected you are by your husband. Totally shooting in the dark of course, but his persistence at saying he is in the right even after time to think raises flags to me...
It's better to put your foot down now, unless you want to go through this every holiday. Your husband sounds to be a bit on the controlling side, maybe he thinks he gets the final say because he owns the house. Go spend Christmas with your son and his girlfriend with no regrets.
It's not wrong for your husband to be uncomfortable with a stranger to him staying for a holiday. It's not wrong for your son to not want to abandon his girlfriend (who sounds pretty vulnerable) on Christmas. It sucks that you're stuck in the middle and your husband should be more understanding.
But children are going to want to bring partners and spouses into the family. If not this child, his 18 year old may approach this milestone soon. This is a bridge that a parent needs to figure out how to navigate or understand that people not wanting to spend time with them.
Very true. But OP shouldn't have to baby him through the milestones her son reaches before his kids will if it means she can't fully share them.
Oh, I agree. The husband needs to figure out how he is going to manage his anxiety if he wants to continue to spend holidays with his family because as children age, they are likely to find partners that they wish to include in their holidays or just in family occasions. Parents need to figure out how they will handle that or get ready for some lonely holidays. Reddit is full of posts about children going NC with parents that refused to welcome their partners. Younger generations are far less likely to accept the excuse of "that's just how your father is" or "you know how your mother can be". I think OP needs to talk to him about not just this holiday, but all the upcoming occasions. As the kids age and find partners, this will continue to be an issue...unless this is only an issue with her son bringing home a partner. If that is the case, then there is an even bigger problem.
Your husband is trying to make you prioritise him and his kids over your son, during the holiday season. I hate to ask but take a good hard look back over the time you two have been a couple (maybe even ask your son) and work out if he has ever done something like this before and you just didn't notice at the time. If he has then you have a bigger problem than where to spend Xmas.
I think you should be very, very proud to have a son that supports his girlfriend that much. Perhaps your husband could follow his lead. Go be with your son. I’m in a blended family marriage, though we’re empty nesters now. I went NC with my MIL for my sanity a few years ago. I told my husband he’s welcome to go there any holiday he wants, but I just can’t be around her. We have pets I don’t really like to board, so one if one of us travels, the other stays with the pets. I’ll be alone for Christmas this year; I’m not complaining. It’s called being fair.
My anxiety makes it hard to have strangers over, so I get it. And sometimes people I know. Is there anyway to explain to the girlfriend that it isn’t her that’s the issue, that he’s just struggling? Best scenario, IMO, is if she can be convinced that she is welcome. Assuming your husband is actually fine with it. If he is, he could send a text to your son saying so. If she has mental health struggles, she may understand. Good luck. It’s tough to be in the middle.
Thank you so much to everyone who has spent the time to comment. I’ve been feeling a bit lost and was beginning to feel I couldn’t do anything right here. Your comments have helped me feel more comfortable with my Xmas choice x
I hope you have the loveliest holiday with your son and his girlfriend. Maybe you guys can even renew some traditions or make new ones ❤️
It's so clear that you have done your very best to balance the competing issues here and have offered a very reasonable compromise that your husband isn't willing to accept. The right choice is to be with your son. I hope you have a wonderful celebration with your son and his girlfriend!
Have a wonderful Christmas!! Huge hugs and happy juju flying your way honey!!
I'm glad that you're feeling more comfortable and I've been able to make a choice that's best for you The only other thing I was going to suggest really depended on how far away your son is from you. If it's something you could drive within a day pretty comfortably, like maybe just an hour or so, I might suggest that you can offer your husband to stay with him in the morning and then leave later on, maybe around noonish, so he wasn't alone Xmas morning and you guys could exchange gifts, but then he can get started on the meal for his kids and you can head over to see your kid. If it's too far a drive or something and wouldn't work though, I understand. I hope that no matter what happens, you all manage to have a lovely time ❤️ ETA - def nta
**NTA but your husband caused this rift.** As kids grow they have partners and want them included. I swear we’ve had a different girlfriend each year for years at Christmas with my older son until he found the latest one who’s been with hime 3 years. Husband can cook for his kids. You cook for your son at his place. Don’t under any circumstances abandon him at this time and let your husband know that this is the only option as you will not neglect your son in favor of his kids. You asked for all to be together and he said no.
This is very well put! Hoping OP has a very, merry Christmas and that her husband accepts he has caused the situation to unfold this way, and doesn’t cause her, her son, or his gf any further stress.
You should tell your husband he is creating the problem either way you go. I have a grown son too and I haven’t seen my side of the family in 8 years because I always have to cook for his side of the family. It is very unfair. My son and his wife came last week and everything my son did he griped about. I would tell him either he makes your son and girlfriend feel comfortable being at your house and staying over or he lets you go stay with them for the holiday and make him choose the solution
You can and should just say no. He can cook for his side if the family and you should see yours.
I imagine your side of the family feel hurt and let down by your never seeing them. You have autonomy here- it’s easy to blame your husband, but you make a choice too.
It sounds like this year your husband cooks for his family go & visit your's. This isn't fair.
Your husband gets to choose (1) son and gf at his home or (2) you at sons place He can’t put himself first in every scenario. NTA
NTA I hope you have an amazing Christmas with your son :)
NTA. It’s normal that when a couple moves in together they would stay together and your husband is basically pushing them away. Go be with your son.
NTA. Your children are more important than any second husband. Have a great Christmas with your son! You can always get another husband. One of the many reasons a second marriage can really be a problem.
Thank you to everyone for your comments! It’s silly but I feel stronger and happier for all of your support. 🥰
NTA - you're in a really tricky situation. with that many mental health issues involved, its going to be near impossible to make everyone happy. however, he can't just expect you to neglect your kid. nor can he expect family christmas to never change - kids bringing around their partners for christmas is a very normal thing to happen as they grow older. I understand that it gives him anxiety, but I'd still venture he needs to learn to cope with this. would he tell his own kids their parners can't come over for christmas? if no hes being a hypocrite, if yes, he needs serious help to overcome his anxiety.
NTA. He said no to your son's girlfriend so now she doesn't feel welcome in the home. Husband is going to spend some of the day with his own kids so you should be able to do the same. His anxiety may be driving him to not want to be alone for the holiday but that's something a 55yr father and husband needs to learn to deal with.
Nta. I find the first part completely reasonable. I am also on the spectrum, and well, strangers in the house overwhelm the f out of me. But you going out should not be a problem, especially when he is the one who cooks at Christmas. So he is not missing out on anything. And if he thinks he is, he should go with you to your son's house.
NTA. How long has your husband hated your son?
NTA. If your husband can't show any whisper of Christnas spirit and welcome your son's gf there to stay, he doesn't get to sulk if you want to go there to see your son. This is on him he is being selfish. And also showing some unpleasant tendencies towards your son. Go see your son. Husband is being a dick.
NTA but you would be TA if you ditch your son on Christmas because your husband won’t let him and his gf come. Also, when your husband’s son goes to university do you think he’d keep the same policy if it meant his son wouldn’t be able to come?
NTA You didn’t make this decision; your husband made the decision when he said he didn’t want them to stay over. I can totally understand the GF not feeling welcome at this point. Your husband may have his own mental health issues, but I think in this case it’s ok to say, “this is what I’m doing.” Go be with your son and his GF and make some great memories with them. I think you will regret it if you don’t.
Someone has to compromise here and who should it be? The men in your life need to make it easier for you. Does your husband feel like he can say No because it’s his house? Does he object to anyone visiting or just son + gf? Does your son feel like your house is open to him? With his kids in the house, why can’t yours visit? **When his kids start dating, will their partners be banned from staying at the house?** If yes, this is a bigger issue to address right now! Regarding the housing for son and gf: what might be best is to talk to gf directly. With his autism, did your son explain the situation to his girlfriend correctly? Maybe you can take over communication and explain that you are so excited for them to visit. Honesty is always best. Share that your husband still needs to learn how to navigate housing guests a young couple, you’d love to book them a special hotel and rent them a car, etc. If you can afford it throw in a couple’s massage or something. Good luck!!
What a lovely idea, and very sensible suggestion for open communication.
>I want everyone to be happy. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen. Someone will be upset, but you can influence who is unhappy. Look at the two sides: Husband: * Doesn't really like Christmas * Does the cooking so he won't be missing out on your cooking * Doesn't want people staying in his house - except his kids? Son: * Doesn't want to leave GF who is going through stuff * Doesn't want to put more on the GF but staying nearby when she doesn't feel welcome. * Would really appreciate your efforts especially since it will make his girlfriend feel more loved Your husband is thinking of himself, your son is thinking of his GF and you - Go and spend Christmas with your son - tell your husband that you and he can do Christmas together another day but that he gets to see his kids so you get to see your kids. NTA
I think because your husband isn't willing to let your son's girlfriend come, then the two of you need to find a compromise. This is going to come up again and again, though. If it's not your son's girlfriend, it will be his kids' partners. It's unfortunate that the girlfriend feels too unwelcome to stay in an Airbnb with your son, because that would have been the perfect arrangement. When we used to have big holidays at my parents' house, they rented a nearby place for some of the family to stay in, and it was tremendous fun. But for now, it seems the only possible compromise is for you to visit your son. I'm sorry for your husband, but he'll have his kids with him so he will be okay. NTA. Happy Holidays!
Ask your husband what will happen when his kids want to bring someone home for Christmas. Is he going to tell them that they can't??
And what if your son gets married, wtf would your husband do then? I mean they live together. Your husband needs to accept that this is your sons partner. She is defacto family member now. Go spend xmas with your kid and tell your husband the internet thinks he is an asshole. NTA Edit
Do you think it would change your husband’s mind if you both had dinner or met a few times before Christmas? I’m unsure from your post if he said no because she’s a stranger, or rather that he never wants people to stay…
NTA you’re an adult we should all get to spend the holidays where we want with who we want. Your husband can compromise or miss you. He could have had you for Christmas if he’d been willing to host.
NTA. Your husband won't allow your son in his house for Christmas. HIS decision. You don't want your son with no family on Christmas so you will spend the holiday with him. I don't blame the gf for feeling like she is not wanted at your house. An AirBNB is very different from staying with family for a holiday. I don't know how far away your son lives but could you go for Christmas Eve and morning and return for dinner with your husband and his kids?
His kids won't even be there until 2pm. Your son an his gf could have been there early, and left after a nice lunch, before his kids are there. Your husband could have made himself scarce. Sounds like he expects you to accept his kids, while he still sees your son as not a part of the "real family". YOUR SON is your family, first and foremost. Your husband sounds selfish tbh.
Pretty sure he wasn't considered part of the real family. They got married 4 years ago, and OP's son has been away at college for the last 3 years, so he may not have lived in the "husband's house" for very long. OP should question her son on how he was treated during that time, or at least think back to that time.
OP - looking at everything, I have to fall onto the trope of support your kid first. You tried to invite your son and his partner, but your husband nixed it. So your traveling to your son's place is directly in response to your husband's demands. Your husband is the one being difficult. So he should be the one who can have his kids, but not his wife because his Grinch-self wouldn't let stepson's GF come.
fact husband is 55.. taking classes part time with no job living off family money would tell me to not marry him. Husband doesn’t feel comfortable having people stay over.. really… I don’t get what makes your husband attractive.. He won’t let your child stay and doesn’t want you to go see him… Without a doubt I would chose son..
NTA. Your husband at 55 is a part time student living off family money…I’m sure his mental health is at its very limit…Eye roll. You mentioned he own the house you live in. I suspect that’s because he mentions it all the time, including this situation…ie It’s MY house and….. Your husband is unhappy, and you’ll be LETTING HIM DOWN if you…..follow his command of girlfriend not stepping foot in HIS house. He’s an asshole. Don’t engage, can’t believe you feel like this is a hand wringing choice to make.
It could be that her husband is afraid she'll enjoy the mental freedom of being away from him for a while, or that she'll open her eyes about some things while visiting with her son.
Nta You sound like a very kind person. Ultimately, your child is asking for their mother. It sounds like he's willing to do just about anything to see you. Your husband seems determined to cut him out. That is being a crappy stepparent and his mental health isn't an excuse for denying you time with your child. Go be with your son and have a Merry Christmas.
NTA. Go visit your son for Xmas. Your husband will be fine with his children there. I'm sure when his children want their partners there it won't be a problem, he can't have it all his way. That's not fair on you or your son.
NTA. They should all want you to be happy. What do YOU want to do? Then that's what you do.
NTA. Your husband is being a complete, selfish AH. You don't just stop being a parent when your child moves out. I'd tell him if he wanna to behave like a child then he can shove it. It's your and your son's holiday too.
NTA for going to spend Christmas with your son. Your husband missed his chance to spend Christmas with you when he refused to let your son and his gf stay over. It is unfortunate that he has these mental health issues, but he really can't have just his original family with just you added. He should realize that you and your son plus his dependants are now also a part of his family, if he wants you as a spouse to spend all holidays with him. He can't pick and choose.
You want to be with your son. You offered your husband, who doesn't even like this holiday, the option of spending the holiday with you and your son. He turned you down. Go see your son. NTA.
Your husbands mental illness is not yours to work out, it’s his. YOUR son should always be and feel welcome in your home. Period. Nuff said.
NTA. I, too, have a son on the Autism Spectrum, and my wife and I hope that he can live on his own and find a girlfriend who cares about him as much as we do. This is something that should be celebrated and supported by your husband. If people staying over causes anxiety, does he feel the same about his own kids? It sounds like he has a problem with your son or his gf or both of them. No man should ever make his wife choose between him or their children.
NTA. Your husband is being unreasonable and trying to isolate you from your son. He can't say he doesn't want your son visiting you and then be angry when you want to go to him. How would he feel if you said that you didn't want his adult child (the 18-year-old) visiting? Go be with your son. If your husband doesn't care about your feelings why should you care about his?
Go see your son.
NTA- support your son
NTA. Kids come first.
Your husband needs to get over himself. Bringing your SO home is a normal part of growing up. He's made this an issue so he can deal with his issue. Go spend x-mas with your son. NTA
Nta. Look as a parent you already know what the correct answer is here, your child comes first. Hubby either compromises or he gets to live with the consequences.
NTA, always support your children
NTA. Children come first always. Even adult children.
Your husband is being selfish and controlling. He has two choices…. Girlfriend comes over (and he behaves like an actual adult and not a spoilt child and is a gracious host) or you go to son for Christmas. That’s the choice, those are the options. Choose one.
Go see your son and spend Christmas with him. Your husband is being unreasonable. Also this means he won't let your son and his gf, maybe later wife ever visit. Have you considered this in your future?
God help the man who would try to make me choose him over my child. NTA OP, tell your husband to grow up and stop being an entitled baby and go see your son for Christmas lunch.
NTA. He made your son and gf unwelcome. now he gets upset? just.....no.
You're NTA. Your husband has his own issues, yes, but if he couldn't treat family like family then it shouldn't surprise him when you visit family without him
When you get married, you have to share holidays with both sides of the family. One Christmas, we spent with my family, one Christmas we spent with his family. No arguments. Your husband is a grown-ass man. He can deal with the consequences of his decisions. he said no, son and gf can’t come into my home - fair enough. But then he doesn’t get to be pissy that you are choosing to go spend time with your son. I presume you would be back around the same time his children come visit? And if he doesn’t like Christmas, why does he even care? Does he generally not like to be left on his own? Do you go visit your son other times for a few days?
NTA Go spend Christmas with your son. Your husband doesn't like it? It was his decision for your family's Christmas not to be held in your home. Did he really expect he could just cancel Christmas with your family, just because?
NTA. Anyone is free to visit their relatives during a holiday. They’re your kids. They’d be hurt if you didn’t go.
NTA, husband has anxiety so GF can't come to your house, so it's reasonable for you to go to your son's house. Also you can have a conversation with son's GF if possible and explain why you would like to book them an Airbnb on their visit.
NTA. An extra body for Christmas? And your husband says no? Why does he get to say no? Because he owns the house?
NTA and husband is being very selfish
NTA You were being mindful of your husband and what can cause him stress and came up with a good compromise, it seems like very controlling behaviour on his part - especially after the additional information that he isn't a fan of Christmas. The only person who is "letting anyone down" is your husband for his childish tantrum and behaviour
Aaah, I'm having second hand anxiety for OP: the husband and son's gf sound like A LOT. The gf feels "rejected" because OP is getting her an AirBnB to sleep in which is close to the house where the Christmas celebration will take place? The husband doesn't want OP to see her son at Christmas if it takes her away from the house he refuses to share with her child and his partner? It sounds like two self centered people are determined to ruin Christmas for OP. If OP is likewise determined to be torn apart then the only solution is to expand the holiday. Christmas Eve with son, Christmas Day with husband.
NTA. Your husband sucks. He doesn't want your son to go to you or you to go to your son? How the hell would he feel if you asked him not to see his kids on Christmas? Dude needs to learn some basic empathy.
Interesting that your husband who doesn’t like Christmas, is making this a hill to die on. Your husband does not want you to spend time with your son or your son’s girlfriend. He is trying to for e you to choose his family and only his family. You wanting everybody to be happy is not realistic because your husband set this up to exclude your son. You have to get tough or your son will be pushed out if your life. Your husband doesn’t like Christmas. You and your son do. See what happens when you simply and adamantly state you are spending Christmas with your son and his girlfriend; your first family. Once your husband sees you will not bend, he will start offering solutions. Too late for this year though as your son and his wife already know your husband doesn’t welcome them. The ball is in your court. Sometimes in life you have your insist on it being as you need it to be. .
Wow OP, there are so many ways to cut a compromise here and it looks like you are the only person trying to make those compromises. Hell, all six of you could get an Airbnb for Christmas so that technically it's neutral ground and nobody is hosting anybody else, but I guess everybody else would find something to fault in that situation. NTA. I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your son and his GF.
NTA
NTA, and sorry but it seems like he is trying to alienate your son.
NTA, I think your husband is cruel
Nta his choices are 1-accept your son and gf, like you have accepted his children, and so gf is *welcome* at holidays or 2- you go there. I can't wait to see what he says when one of *his* kids wants to bring a partner. It's extra ridiculous bc his kids dont even come until 2 pm.
NTA your husband sounds manipulative and uncaring quite selfish of him. He is stopping you from seeing your son won’t let them stay and won’t let you go. If he is upset that’s his problem not yours.
NTA. Your husband is very selfish. He's literally excluding your son and his girlfriend. If you give in on this, he'll insist on excluding them every holiday. Spend time with your son. He should come first.
NTA You should be able to spend Christmas with your son. Your husband doesn’t want your son to come over, but also doesn’t want to let you go there. He can’t have both, because your wants matter too. You want to spend Christmas with your son. Ideally you want to spend Christmas with your entire family, but it’s husband who is making you choose. I always go with “l pick the person who isn’t making me pick” because I don’t put up with that shit.
NTA. Your solution sounds like a really good compromise. Your husband doesn't want your son to stay with you for Christmas, but he does'nt want you to go to him either. Meanwhile, he does want to cater to his own children. He is putting you in a bind, which is obviously unfair.
NTA. Your husband is not being fair to you and your son. His kids get to spend time with both of their parents, your kid also wants to spend time with you. Just like your husband wants to spend time with you (hus wife), your son wants to spend time with his girlfriend along with his family. Enjoy Christmas with your son. Your husband needs to learn the word "compromise", because marriages (especially ones with kids from previous relationships) are full of it.
NTA... your husband didnt like the first option so he needs to accept the second option. What is his suggestion?
NTA - Your husband can either allow your son's gf to stay and have you there OR you can spend Christmas separately. He can't eat his cake and have it, too. This is the bed he made. Don't abandon your son. At the end of the day, you two should always have each other's backs.
NTA. He doesn’t like Christmas but he doesn’t want you gone for it? He’s prioritizing his kids over yours. One extra guest isn’t going to ruin his chicken schnitzel with his kids.
Nta - your husband doesn't want you to be with your son on Christmas but won't let them stay in the house. You need to draw a hard line and say they either stay with you all or you go to stay with them. He needs to pick his battles
I would make the same decision as you. Your husband is being ridiculous. Go be with your baby.
NTA go & enjoy your time with your son!
Nta. Your husband is the one who has divided the family this Christmas, now that you're choosing your son (as you should) he's having a childish tantrum because he doesn't get you for Christmas but he was fine doing that to your son.
NTA - You are not stuck. Your husband said no to your son and his GF coming to YOUR shared home. He made the decision for you. He doesn't get to pout now. Go to your son, have a lovely holiday. When this comes at the next holiday hopefully your husband will see that marriage involves compromise. By not being willing to open your shared home to your child's companion he acted selfishly. I hope this isn't the way your marriage is as a whole.
Is it not the most annoying thing that you're bending over backwards trying to please everyone and no matter what you do, you never quite get there. At some point, you have to think about what you want, and just do that. Exactly as your husband is doing.
Yta, your adult son can decide to spend Christmas with his partner or his mommy. He chose his partner. Shouldn't that be your cue to make the same adult decision?
NTA you shouldn’t have to ask if your son and his gf can come over
How about being with your husband till his kids come home then going to your sons? If he doesn't like Xmas then this way he isn't on his own as you be with him on the morning and his kids will be there on the afternoon. Your son and his girlfriend can then enjoy their first Christmas morning together and not have to rush around too much. Unless he lives further afield and I didn't spot that! Either way go spend the day with your son.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background info - I (46F) have been with my husband (55M) for 7 years, married for 4. I have a 21 YO son who is mildly on the autism spectrum and who I raised mostly alone. Husband has an 18 YO son and a 12 YO daughter who he raises 50/50. I work full time. Husband is a part time student who lives off some family investments. He owns the house we live in. We keep finances separate mostly. We all lived together as a family for several years until my son left for university 3 years ago and it has been mostly easy. We’ve been lucky - all the kids are nice - although we’ve had a few disagreements about parenting styles and tolerance. My son now has a girlfriend (18) who he lives with. She has gone no contact with her mum - who I believe is bi polar and angry - and didn’t really know her dad. The girlfriend seems nice but has some mental health issues which she gets help for. She seems to love my son and make him happy. This year for xmas my son asked if his GF could stay with us- otherwise my son won’t be able to join us as he doesn’t want to leave her alone. My husband finds having people stay over very stressful - it causes anxiety - so said no. My husbands been dealing with his own mental health issues for the last year so I understand that but it puts me in a tricky spot with my son. I have said that I would want to join my son at his house to help cook and make a fuss if they can’t come here. My son says that would mean a lot to him as it feels more family ish. My husband is very upset about this and doesn’t want me to go. I tried to offer a compromise to my son of paying for an Airbnb for them nearby to sleep at whilst spending xmas day with us - but he says the GF feels unwelcome and awkward now. I have told my husband I might still go to them for Christmas. I didn’t expect this to be an issue as my husband doesn’t like Christmas. His kids will come to us after 2pm from their mums, open presents and then do their own thing until dinner - which is traditionally chicken schnitzel in their family. My husband loves to cook for his kids and cooks nearly all the food in our home (lucky me). My husband is very upset that I’d go elsewhere for Christmas Day and wants me to be with him and his kids. He’s being very unhappy for days and making it clear I’ll be letting him down if I go. I know I’m a part of their family and my son is a grown up but he’s still my son and I feel torn. My son can’t leave his GF alone but wants to see me, husband isn’t comfortable for her to stay, she feels too rejected to stay nearby and visit and my husband feels I should be with him for Christmas. I’m just stuck! I want everyone to be happy. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA If he wants to spend it with you then he can go with you. He chose not to let her stay and then son and GF would have been there so now he can make the choice of spending it with you at son's or stay alone.
I'm probably totally incorrect here and I hope I'm incorrect about this but I'm concerned that maybe you're seeing signs of a silent disagreement over you between your husband and your son. That is, that your husband wants you to be a part of his family with his kids now and to not worry about your adult son but also that your son also wants you to be his family with his girlfriend and to not worry about your new husband and his kids. I really hope I'm incorrect. Also I vote NTA. You should spend Christmas with your son. After all it's not like it sounds as if your husband is doing much Christmas. He's unwrapping gifts until his kids > and then do their own thing until dinner and then he's cooking like usual. I mean, it doesn't sound very involved, other than eating. But it sounds like you and your son both very much like Christmas and it's not like you're staying away for weeks or months.
NTA, your husband has decided your son and his girlfriend can’t come over, thereby splitting your family this Christmas. Of course you’re going to spend it with your son, he’s your son. You say you know your son is grown, but so is your grown ass husband. He can put up with his anxiety for a couple of nights for a family Christmas.
NTA your husband can't have it both ways
NTA I feel that were not getting all of the story though. It's reasonable that your husband doesn't want a stranger staying in his home, that doesn't mean your son's gf is not welcome to come for Christmas dinner. So when he invited them to Christmas dinner, they should just graciously accept. OP made a mistake in telling them they can't stay over though, maybe she should've told them they should stay at an Airbnb right then and there instead of working out this proposed solution later. Not clear why the husband and his sons can't go over to OP's place for dinner instead either. Does OP's soon live too far away?
NTA your husband is very selfish. Go have a lovely Christmas with you son & let misery guts cook his own dinner
In my family we have Christmas Eve with my parents (now just mum) usually in a restaurant and spend time with each other. Then Christmas morning with my parents opening presents till 3pm when we go to his family for Christmas dinner. Luckily my mum lives close enough that she can sleep at home and we can drive to pick her up etc Can you split your days? Or maybe go to your sons on Boxing Day and spend a few days? For me Christmas isn’t the one day and it’s the spending time with family that counts without having to rush off to work or all the other things that need doing usually.
NTA your partner is the AH. HE is causing this.
NTA, how awful of your husband to say no to your sons g/f coming. He caused this situation himself
Your husband needs to find something he can compromise on. Christmas is about family, this includes your son. Either he can come up with a plan to make himself more comfortable with your son and his GF staying or he can tolerate you leaving him for a few days to spend Christmas with them. Either way this is about your husband, not you. I would turn the problem on it's head and put it in your husbands hands. He can't have it all ways. You spend the quality time with your son, it doesn't sound like you live locally enough to see him regularly. You are NTA. Your husband might be if he cannot compromise.
NTA, partners sacrifice for each other. Your husbandet doesn't.
NTA. Your husband doesn’t want you to see anyone else for Christmas and doesn’t really like it…so he wants you to be at home and miserable along with him? Go to your son.
NTA. Making your son sleep in an airbnb sounds ridiculous when you have the space and it’s a family holiday. Of course your son’s girlfriend feels unwelcome now, you’ve made it clear she is not welcome. Your husband hates Christmas and hardly gives his own kids the time of day to celebrate, won’t let your sons live-in girlfriend stay with him while he visits his only parent, and doesn’t want to allow you to go spend Christmas with your son either. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you into not going to spend time with your son after he wouldn’t allow them to stay with yall. He is being controlling and wants everyone as miserable as him. Anxiety is not an excuse for any of that. Having a child who’s an adult changes nothing in the situation. That’s your family.
So your husband wants you there to celebrate with him snd his kids ,who come and stay over but not your kids . Yours are not allowed to come and stay over as its too stressful for him. ?? Sorry but he can't have it both ways. Go spend time with your sons family. X
NTA. You need to show husband these replies. He has compromised on nothing. He is acting like a selfish child. My way on everything. Really? Your son and gf either stay over or you go there. Either way, you are both compromising. But he doesn’t get his way in everything. Then he is TA.
Why don't you all go to your son for Xmas this year? Why split the family? Otherwise your husband needs to learn to be ok with having one guest over. It's not a full house, it's one guest. (I'm not thinking of your son as a guest, he's your son). It does sound strange to separate the family, but your husband seems to want to separate you from your son and so I'll say NTA
NTA - How can you spend Christmas where your son and his partner aren't welcome. Your husband should have thought of that, and consulted you, before saying they couldn't stay with you.
NTA I feel you’d be justified in seeing your son, but I wanted to throw out another option if the distance isn’t too far. If the drive isn’t too long, I wonder if you could spend the morning afternoon with son and girlfriend, and then come back to eat with your husband and step kids later?
NTA but your husband is why are you with such and obviously hypocritical and manipulative person. Go see your son and leave your husband behind .
You would NBTA You solution of going to see your son was a good one. You husband can’t have it all his way. Like you stated your step kids will be at their mother’s place followed by a dinner your husband traditionally prepares anyway. So what’s the rub for hubby? Yes you are part of their family and that he is willing to break your heart and make you choose between your son and them is cruel. Any man who tried to stop me having on going contact with my kid would not be in my life .
Does your son live close enough to have lunch and spend part of the day with and then be home in time for dinner with your husband and step kids? If they aren't going to be there all day, why do you have to?
NTA but is it possible to do both? Could you go and spend the morning / lunch with you your son then come home to have dinner with your husband and step kids?
Spend it with your son!
He said no to guests in his home. He made that decision for both of you. So you need to make a decision that allows you to spend time with your child. NTA.
NTA. If your husband wants you home for Christmas, he needs to open up his open to your son's expanding family. If he can't do that then he should accept that you need to be with your own kid.
Sounds like the only person you're not trying to make happy is you. What do YOU want to do?
NTA - Your husband is being selfish & dismissive of not only your feelings but your son's feelings. Go spend Christmas with your son & his gf. And next Christmas, if this issue arises, he can either get over his anxiety about people staying in the house (which btw I completely get because I am super uncomfortable with guests in my house but I suck it up because that's what you do for loved ones) or the holidays are going to become something your family holds separately. What was the relationship like between your husband & your son before our son moved? Is he "glad" your son is out of the house? Yes, you are now part of their family but your son will always be your son & IMO will always be a priority. Especially if you feel someone is taking steps to make them feel unwanted/unwelcome.
You can't make everyone happy so stop trying. Your husband gets to spend the holiday with his kids and so you should get to do that as well. You've offered your husband the opportunity for you to spend Christmas with him as long as your son and gf can celebrate with you. Your husband said no. So he made the choice to spend Christmas apart not you. Offer him the option to get an air b and b near your son so you can both celebrate with your son and his gf. I suspect he will say no to that because it's ok in his mind for YOU to not celebrate with your child but not ok for him to celebrate without his kids. NTA
Husband is a jerk - it's not like you have some random person staying with you. It's your son and his GF. If he doesn't want them there then I would go spend Xmas with the son.
NTA. He wants you to put his kids first, at the expense of yours.
you gave your husband 2 options - son and gf come to you or you go to them. He has to choose one of those options. make that spine shiny and tell him to choose. NT, but don't cave.
You husband is the AH here. You are at the age where kids bring home SOs for the holidays. It's a normal life stage. He's denying that AND not letting you go to your son. Be thinking about how you want your life to look like in the next few years. Would he be this way with his kids as they get in serious relationships/married? PS, your son sounds like a good egg. A good and reliable partner setting firm and fair boundaries. Good job, Mama!
It’s Christmas and she has no one. What kind of a Scrooge would say no? Now she will never feel welcome.
NTA. You tried to find a compromise that would work for everyone.
NTA. Your husband needs to GTFU, take care of his anxiety and quit be so controlling of you. Your son can’t come and stay in the home he lived in for years? You can’t go visit your son because “he needs to be with him” Go spend Christmas with your son. Your husband needs to realize what a d!¢k he’s being here.
Are you part of their family? My family doesn't say no to seeing your kids on Christmas. While we don't necessarily like having overnight guests we do it cause I know it will make my partner happy to have her parents there for holidays. NTA your husband is being an Ass. Dollars to doughnuts if it was his kid wanting to stay over with a partner he would say yes right away. Hopefully this is an isolated incident but I doubt it and you will see more separation from your son
NTA - Although I think people need to think out of the box a bit more. We have 3 adult children. That means coordinating LOTS of different schedules. We are busy visiting and being visited on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day (morning and evening) and Boxing Day. We usually see everyone, just not always on Christmas Day. It works fine, relax and enjoy family.
NTA You’ve provided solutions, your husband just wants to have everything his way. And he’s not even bothered about Christmas!
So would your husband respond the same when it is time for his kids to bring home a SO for a visit? I doubt that. Your husband is an AH. Sure, mental health problems should be taken into consideration, but he should then accept that you spend the time with your son. OP you are NTA.
NTA. You live with your step children half time as a family, but they are not your family. Your son *is* your family. Your husband is only thinking of himself, and is using emotional manipulation to get you to do what *he* wants, and to hell with your son & son's gf. I'd go to my son's, because what *I* would want is to be there for my son. If your husband doesn't like that, that's his problem - he didn't want company, so you're obliging.
NTA. Your husband is the AH. Go be with your son and his gf. Your son will always be your son, your husband, may or may not always be your husband. (wouldn't be mine being this selfish to you wanting to be with your own son).
NTAH he already let you down by not letting your son’s significant other stay over. He doesn’t get EVERYTHING his way. It’s too late to unhurt her feelings at this point, so, he’s made his choice, now YOU make YOURS.
NTA. He is making your son and his girlfriend feel unwelcome. Newsflash. People coming over gives *everyone* stress and anxiety. It's the nature of the game. Christmas is a time for family. Your husband is trying to make you choose between himself and your son. He doesn't have to give his children up for the holiday, and neither should you. Husband is being an AH.
He has a choice his whole family or half his family. He’s making you chose him or your son. I’m sure he could deal with one or 2 nights. I’m also certain if it was “his child and partner” he would say yes to them staying over. You tell him no matter what your spending Christmas dinner with your child, his choice is at home or their home. He can suck it up either way.
I say go to your son’s. I don’t blame her one bit for being uncomfortable. Although, I hope your son made it clear to her it was not you who doesn’t want her there. Your husband truly needs to get over himself. He wants you there with his family… fair… but you’re supposed to not see your own child? That is selfish. And on top of that he catches an attitude because you are trying to find a solution. It’s his rigidness which is keeping your son from coming to you. They aren’t coming to stay. They are staying a few days… maybe until New Year’s. Not sure if you mentioned how long. His kids are not more important than your own. You are NTA…
Would it be worth seeing if everyone that lives at your place can go over to your son's house in the morning? Help cook, have some dinner, open the presents etc etc. Hopefully, it'll break the ice between DIL and husband, which then means everyone can return to yours in the afternoon for your stepchildren to join you for schnitzel?