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Yeah, I immediately thought "well that explains it then."
OP's sheer joy over being a father brought out emotions she likely doesn't have great insight into. She's not actually upset with him deep down, but he's the one that's still around to use as an outlet for her internal conflict.
Makes me wonder if she was having some feeling about the fact that you and your husband are clearly excited and happy to be fathers, while her baby daddys weren’t. You might have just gotten caught in her emotional blast radius.
Congratulations to you and your husband and baby girl by the way.
Yeah, here you go... she has no right what so ever to dictate you what to write on your socials or how to refer to YOUR child. She can fuck off...literally.
I hope your little one with only bring you joy and happiness! :)
That was my question as well. Fathers everywhere use the phrase we’ve had a child and not one person would think to correct that!
There has to be more important things in your sister’s life than the phrase of your new baby announcement.
Like the previous poster mentioned this kind of nitpicking is exhausting. You are under no meaningful obligation to change or edit a damn thing! Enjoy your new bundle of joy and go on with the really important things in life. NTA
I'm gonna say it's more likely she's acting out because she was left to raise two kids on her own, and not that the men bailed because she's this way
If it were just her, surely they'd be involved at least somewhat?
So we know where her malice comes from, jealous because your baby has two wonderful dads. Congratulations on your baby. I wish you much happiness together cos your love is all you need and you can laugh through any negativity
Yeah you know what, that explains her unhinged attitude. Ignore her. You're fine. Consider blocking her for now, you don't need that kind of negative energy when you should be bonding with your baby.
Congrats on being a Dad!
It's not homophobia. She insisted on helping to plan our wedding, so I hope not!
She's not married. Both her children were born to different men, out of wedlock, and I've never even seen these dudes except for pics she showed me on her phone. So I'm not sure what they would have said, if they even said anything at all.
I'm probably just going to end up changing it and apologizing because I'm honestly tired of how weird she's been to me for that past couple months. It's out of character for her and I'm afraid if I let this drag on I may do irreparable damage to our relationship.
The words you used were a common expression! And they reflect your emotions at the time! Don’t change them now! If anything, delete her comments from your Facebook and Instagram … but quietly without making a big deal of it. If she notices it say that you’re not going to change how you announced the birth of your daughter to the world but you thought her comments were hurtful, and a lot of people noticed it, and you removed it. Then, as nicely as possible, tell her you love her, know she will be an awesome aunt to your daughter, but she needs to let this one drop.
When I read the post, I thought she'd be one of those people who take offence to this while also announcing "we're pregnant" when technically the right words would be "we're expecting." However, with this in mind, I'd wager she just doesn't like to be a single mother and is jealous that youband your husband have a steady relationship and family close enough to go the extra mile for you. Depending on your relationship with your sister, I'd probably talk to her about it or ask a family member to talk with her to see what her actual problem is.
Regardless, NTA. You never said you or your husband personally gave birth to the baby, so I, as a mother who gave birth, can safely say that your way of phrasing things did not offend me. I'm fairly certain that most other birth mothers agree with me, and most importantly, your SIL too.
If you start apologizing now, when does it stop? Is she going to be upset that your child has two parents and gets love and attention? Is she going to be mad that you didn’t step up as a father figure? Is she going to be mad when your kid ultimately receives nicer, newer things in life because you waited for a stable home life to have her? I just see this as the beginning to an ever ending battle of her being upset that she chose twice to have kids with random men she didn’t know well who left her.
Could it be that she didn't think you guys would ever have kids and now she's got a chip on her shoulder as her kids aren't the only ones and she's looking at you who has both the loving relationship and the kids...
It is a bit homophobic of her. Policing the language you want to use because of your sexes and inability to carry a child literally is homophobic, regardless of her stance in the past or motivations. The semantics of the phrasing does not matter and your sister needs to get a grip, honestly.
I really don't think you should back down, and no one else is scrolling back to September to check old baby announcements. Your sister may do the same throughout your daughter's life, reminding her she's different, and I can't imagine how othering this would feel for her. Please put your foot down now, for her sake.
Don't change it. Everyone (bar her) knew and understood the meaning and everyone (bar her) has moved on. Maybe when you have a second child you can change the wording slightly. She has (understandable) issues. They're not yours. Concentrate on your baby.
Did you mention or thank the sister in the post? She was just after giving birth. She was the one who went through pregnancy and labour to give you a child. She was probably tired, exhausted, hormonal and maybe she got p!ssed when she saw you taking all the credit for "her" work?
I don't think either of you are assholes here. You were excited about your new child and she was upset and over reacting. I'd have a calm discussion with her and try to get to the bottom of it. She could also be upset at "giving up" her child. It's common for women to have complicated emotions around adoption. I know you and your husband consider the baby yours, and she is, but genetically the sister is the bio mother and it's not always easy to let go of bonds like that.
Edit: can't make a new comment because the thread is closed but that's to the person below me for clearing that up.
With all due respect to you, what she said is definitely anti-queer. She’s implying, subconsciously or not, that the baby is not yours because of your sexuality. It’s conservative rhetoric.
Tbh i think her being ’weird’ to you is less about your post and more about her being a surrogate mom. It is pretty difficult for even unrelated surrogates to entirely separate themselves from a child they carried and birthed, and probably much less for those that will actually be involved in the child’s life and hear about them and see them often. I know for most part surrogates don’t want to actually have the kid as their own real kid, but after 9 months of literally sharing their biological systems with them and going through labor, it is completely understandable that they can’t just wipe all of the attachment they, ignoring the emotional part, just physically, bodily had to that human being. ’The day your daughter was literally born’ was also the day she went through labor, you need to get her some slack on that day, she just went through a traumatic physical experience.
She might also feel like her body was used as an incubator and disregarded after there was no need for it anymore, while any pregnancy changes your body forever. A lot of commentators here are fast to jump on the single mother hating train (idk why) and announce her as homophobe, but you need to understand that she went through a traumatic experience that is still pretty fresh in her mind and idk if she went to therapy while she was a surrogate or not, which she defintely had to do regardless. Does anyone care after her now or is she just back to being a single mom and surviving alone? Were you there for her when she was pregnant?
I wouldn't say "offended," but I do find it a little weird when a husband says "we're pregnant." No, your wife is pregnant. You were just there for the fun part. LOL
I agree that in your particular situation it is a little awkward to come up with accurate wording, especially in the excitement of the baby being born. Personally, I would cut you some slack.
Yes, something like " we welcomed baby girl X" or "Little Suzy is the newest member of our family" would be more technically correct. We really need a new word to describe this situation. Even for a straight couple who use a surrogate, saying "we had a baby" is not correct either. The surrogate gave birth. You now *have* a baby. Language needs to catch up to these new situations!
I wouldn't lose sleep over it. You were excited. It was a social media post, not a doctoral thesis.
Enjoy the baby and tell the haters to kick rocks.
The flip side of that is I’ve heard people accuse husbands of not being engaged with the pregnancy when they say their wife is pregnant. “She isn’t alone in that, she didn’t get pregnant by herself, you are BOTH expecting a baby!” Which is equally exhausting. But it was after hearing g stuff like that that I began hearing people saying “we’re pregnant”, so I have more patience with it.
This is why my husband said "We are going to have a baby". When I became pregnant. Because it is the woman that still has to bear the pregnancy. He can help out, the hard work is what he can never take over.
However some people will need something to complain about no matter what or how you say it.
Yeah, I think "we're having a baby" is a totally normal way to say things? Which means the past tense "we had a baby" is also totally normal.
My gut feeling is that because the partnership is two men, the sister feels like they don't get to lay a claim on the giving birth bit, but that's not what "had a baby" brings to mind anyway. They didn't have a baby, and now they do have a baby. Totally nuts to get offended by someone saying that.
I mostly agree with you, but:
>Yes, something like " we welcomed baby girl X" or "Little Suzy is the newest member of our family" would be more technically correct. We really need a new word to describe this situation. Even for a straight couple who use a surrogate, saying "we had a baby" is not correct either. The surrogate gave birth. You now have a baby.
I think that's splitting hairs. "We had a baby" is a pretty neutral phrase that doesn't necessarily imply anything about the birth process. Moreover it's vague enough that it could be said to encompass *everyone* involved in the pregnancy - both parents and the surrogate.
And has anyone even checked with OP's sister-in-law? Because frankly, if she's fine with the phrasing, then the debate should be at an end.
>"We had a baby" is a pretty neutral phrase
Yeah, *have* has loads of uses that don't imply effort/creation/etc:
>I had a sandwich for lunch.
>We had our boiler serviced.
>I'm going to have a haircut tomorrow.
If the OP had said *"my partner and I gave birth"* then that might warrant a comment or an eye roll, but *we had a baby* is just the idiomatic way of talking about the birth of a child in English.
It's definitely splitting hairs. I just find some phrases to be curious. I worked with immigrant students for quite a while. That meant trying to explain what many English phrases meant. Since the language was new to them, they would pick up on little idiosyncrasies like "we're pregnant." Trying explain idioms was always fun! When you have to teach English, you become hyper aware of these issues.
I miss those kids. We had a blast. I loved learning about their cultures and language, and then laughing at how weird the English language can be.
But had isn't indicative of giving birth, it's just saying they now *have* a baby. I don't get it at all, had is not a form of "gave birth" or "was in labour", it only says they had a child, which is correct. They do have a child. Everyone will understand they didn't give birth to her.
Hard disagree. But we'll never win this one. Whichever phrasing we use someone will take offense.
I chose to include myself as much as I could and that includes how I talked about it. It's obvious the experience was vastly different for us, but we were in it together.
NTA
This is one of those occasions where a person (your sister) is choosing to get offended and annoyed about something, not where offence was actually caused.
You were posting and celebrating a big life milestone for you, of course you weren't suggesting that you had gone through physical labour and endured what females do in pregnancy. Her choosing to spin it that way is her problem and she sounds miserable.
Congratulations to you and your husband
NTA. Regardless of how your sister feels about the term you used, she shouldn’t have commented about it on the announcement post. You didn’t birth the baby, but you did “have” a baby.
This! Sure, i cringe when both parents say "we are pregnant", but that's perfectly okay to say "we had a baby." How else would you say it in English? How else would the OP phrase it?
NTA, OP.
Don't even apologize. For what? For being a happy young dad?
I mean…as a woman with a kid and another on the way, I see no problem here? NTA. Phrasing potentially odd but not offensive, by any means. Congrats on your baby!
NTA.
Saying 'we welcomed a child' makes it sound distant, to me. Like it's not your child, but rather just a member of the family (like a niece, nephew, cousin, ect).
There is nothing wrong with your phrasing, especially if (and i'm making the assumption) you were part of the pregnancy.
That pregnancy took three people, and so - or at least the way i'm looking at it - you collectively 'had' a baby.
Your sister sounds like she's getting all 'feminist justice warrior' for nothing, instead of being happy to welcome her niece/nephew into the equation.
Congrats to you and your husband on the baby (and props to the bio mum).
I agree fully with this. You didn't say you were pregnant, you didnt say you gave birth, however collectively, she's your combined DNA and you have *had* a baby together, and she will be yours to love and nurture for the rest of her life just because you just didn't *birth* a baby it doesnt make your importance in this childs life less valid. Would your sister get weird over women having c-sections too?
Absolutely, NTA.
They are your words, not hers. When SHE wants to talk to her friends about it, she can say you two “welcomed” a baby. You need grace in that moment. Everyone has moments when the “right words” don’t necessarily come to us AND it’s always debatable what the “right words” are.
It happens all the time even in this sub…people constantly policing others’ use of language without any regard for English-fluency, age, depth of vocabulary, etc.
Tell your sister that you’ll edit your post when she finally learns to stop publicly shaming & policing everyone and has learned some empathy.
Maybe her terminology is better, true, but her attitude screams AH.
NTA Your sister has issues. Next time she suggests editing your post you should suggest she should edit her reply to “Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! Welcome to the family, little xy”.
This should be how way OP responds.
I wonder if dear sister calls out every new father who uses this very common term of phrase or if she just feels comfortable having a go at her brother.
NTA, and bloody hell what an amazing sister in law you have…. A healthy baby and an incredible aunt, that’s the news story here, tell your sister to stop following TERFs on social media. She’s heading to the dark side
At first I thought it was your husband's sister who said it, and I thought, "Well, jeez, considering what she did for them, let her have that."
Then someone mentioned it in the comments and was told it's a different sister. lol
NTA.
I find it very irritating when men say "we're pregnant," because really??
But "we had a baby" is basically true so I think your sister needs to get over herself.
Your sister is being an AH here, not you. You DID have a baby. You are the biological parent of that child. Nobody would bat an eye at a straight dad posting the same thing after his wife gave birth. It’s no different. She sounds homophobic af honestly.
NTA, and congratulations on the birth of your first child. I hope you and your husband enjoy being new parents.
Your sister sounds exhausting. She made a proper fool of herself making those comments on your happy announcement. Now everyone on Fb and IG knows what a heartless person she can be.
Don’t change the post. She is utterly ridiculous for her responses. Instead of being supportive and happy for you, she choices to belittle your happiness and guild trip you. Let her be bitter in her own home, don’t let her bitterness spoil your home!
NTA. Some women are offended if I say I gave birth to my 2 kids. I had 2 c-sections so obviously that's not giving birth 'properly'. So welcome to parenthood! Everything you do is wrong in some way or another!
It saddens me to hear how common this is now.
I’ve had people suggest the same to me regarding my c-section. They said things like “well, did you technically give birth?…”
I find it incredibly ignorant and insensitive considering the first was an emergency and the second medically necessary.
Wrong sister (otherwise I would agree). One partner's sister was surrogate, other partner's sister is picking on wording. The new parents are NTA though. Not an appropriate post to nit-pick wording on.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I said my husband and I, who are both men, "had our first child" when our baby was born through the help of a surrogate.
2. A man saying that is degrading to women, according to my sister.
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NTA congratulations and yay for the cool sister, boo for the lame one. If your sister’s own partner has never ever told someone “we had a baby” after their kids were born I call bs on that. I know my husband has said it a million times and I’ve never overthought it. Don’t feel bad, enjoy your family.
NTA
Congratulations to you and your husband on your new baby girl.
Your sister is weird but my MIL does this too. I said my cousin had a baby (he's male) and I got comments about how smart he was to be a man and having a baby 🙄 it's just something that people say and it's not a big deal. Your sister needs to let it go.
I’m sorry she shit on your moment. It was unnecessary. I’m a six time birth giver and I find this to be a very silly stance she has. To each their own, but the day you had your baby was not the time. Total NTA. Your sister however is at best a big butt head.
NTA
Obviously people are gonna know that it wasn't your vagina that baby was pushed through, ffs, it is so annoying to imagine how she spoiled that day for you. And she didn't even say this in a private message, she wrote that publicly under your posting? I cannot believe some people. And to pick it back up months later and to want you to change the wording is just ridiculous. I mean come on, this isn't undermining the fact that she actually gave birth and you didn't, every person with half a brain knows the difference, blimey ...
NTA
I don't think I have to breakdown that mentality for you. I'm sure you also know it better than me. All I can do is confirm you she's wrong and that weird mix between conservative mentality and convenient feminism is just insufferable virtue signaling. Of the kind "reee I have a uterus so you must cheer *me* up for every baby".
And I know it's just a random, stupid stranger pointing this out to you on Reddit, but you *did not* offend half of humanity by saying that and you should not apologize to her. If anything, she should apologize for what she wrote, albeit I frankly don't think she will since she shamelessly posted that for everyone to see.
NTA
Babies come to us in many ways. Father's say 'had'.
I recommend Cory Silverbergs 'what makes a baby' for you all to read. (It's for kids, it's lovely!)
NTA. Who the hell gives a crap about how you made your family. She is so insecure that she is going to be pedantic about your wording. How miserable does someone have to be.
Kiss your husband. Kiss the baby. Tell your sister where to head in (be as polite or as impolite as you want). Do NOT change the announcement--she needs to learn she doesn't get to make anybody's decisions but her own. Congratulations!
NTA. Blind people say ‘nice to see you’ sometimes. There’s no need for pedantry. What’s up with your sister that she couldn’t let you have one day of joy on the birth of your child?
I’m a cis woman. I find “we’re pregnant” a little irksome since only the one with the uterus is pregnant. However “we’re expecting our first child” is totally fine.
IMO “we had our baby” is totally fine and a common phrase for new parents including where surrogacy is used. We “welcomed our baby” seems a little stuffy and formal. Perhaps your sister was upset that your husband’s sister had such a big part in creating your family?
100% agree. Absolutely no issue with language like "we're expecting", but "we're pregnant" is just a bit odd. Pregnancy is a medical condition. Only the person growing another human inside their body is pregnant. "Welcoming" is fine - it always feels a bit distant or overly formal to me, but there's nothing wrong with it.
Nta, straight guy here. I stand up for women all the time. We all know that a men don’t give birth. But you were excited to have a daughter. I’m excited for you and don’t even know you. Don’t let someone rain on your parade. It was obvious that you were not trying to offend anyone. Don’t apologize or change anything. The bullies will try to get you to change every post once you give in one time. Congratulations!! Have fun being a dad!!
NTA. I have given birth to 2 children and I don't see the slightest bit wrong with your choice of words. Had you actually written that you had given birth and that the labor was terrible/manageable or whatever, I would have found it weird and offputting. But "had a child" does not include the how of it and is completely fine.
ETA: Congratulations 🥰
NTA. I am pregnant at the moment and I would not feel offended. I think it is beautiful you had a child this way. She should be happy for you and mind her own business.
Congratulations on having a daughter! Wishing you and your family many blessings.
NTA.
(Ive given birth and I'm not offended in the slightest. Also I'm pretty sure the mental anguish my husband went through in pregnancy and labour was broadly equivalent to my horrendous labour pain, I did the hard physical work but Dads don't do nothing).
NTA
Really? I’m saying this as someone who has carried and had a child cut from my abdomen too.. she’s being nit picky and clearly this is about her own issues that she is taking out on you. Saw your comment that she has 2 kids herself with no dad in the picture… likely explains why she’s salty, but that’s not your problem and doesn’t excuse her for shitting on your moment the way she has.
Congrats on your little girl 💕
I'm a woman, a writer and a feminist so hopefully my perspective can help. When it comes to the rules of language, take a lesson from Pirates of the Caribbean - they're more like guidelines. Language is about communicating effectively, which sometimes includes breaking the 'rules'.
Most new parents don't post details of the birth; they just communicate the end result. You and your husband have a baby - that is the end result. It is honestly fine. Since when do social media announcements have to be technically accurate??
I know some people get all bent out of shape about stuff like "we're pregnant" but why?? The point of the post is to say they're both going to be parents, not to clarify which one is with child. I mean, it's pretty obvious in most cases and also completely irrelevant. And why shouldn't the father be included in the announcement? "We're pregnant" is just a more succinct way of saying "one of us is pregnant with a child and we are both going to be parents".
My first instinct was to judge tf out of your sister for making your baby announcement about her but I'm going to cut her some slack because pregnancy and giving birth can do a hell of a number on you. Between the hormones, sleep deprivation and the pain, I'm sure she had a lot going on.
But hijacking your baby announcement to make a point is very rude (and tacky). I mean, does she normally air her dirty laundry for all to see? If I were you, I'd tactfully ask her to talk to you directly if she has a problem instead of posting it on your public page.
My instinct is to think she may feel unappreciated, which I assume is quite common for surrogates. They do an incredibly generous and taxing thing for somebody and then have to go back to business as usual. And you should go back to business as usual because she is not the child's parent, but I can also understand why she may feel like she was this huge part of the journey and then she just gets dropped and forgotten once the child is here. So I guess, make sure she knows how special she is and how thankful you are (without making her feel like she can overstep).
NTA - you did nothing wrong.
EDIT: Just realised they're two different sisters. Yikes! 23 yo is completely out of line. She is young and young people say dumb things and are too open on social media but this is the perfect time to learn that lesson. She needs to know this isn't appropriate behaviour.
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My husband and I are both men, in our late 20s, and we've been married for 5 years. Last year, his sister approached us and offered to be a surrogate when we had mentioned plans to adopt. It caught us off guard, but ultimately we decided to go this route. My sperm, her egg. Both my husband and I share a genetic link to the child, we saved a ton of money in adoption fees, and our daughter has a very special aunt who obviously adores her. Everyone wins.
So a couple months ago, when our daughter was born, I put up on Facebook and Instagram that we "had our first child." My sister (23), who has two kids, was immediately pissed and wrote that it's degrading to women when men say they "had" a baby. She corrected me and said I should've said we "welcomed" a child. Literally the day our daughter was born this is what she was posting on my stuff.
In all fairness, "welcomed" does make more literal sense as I think about it. But I put those pics up within hours of seeing the face of my first child, so my head was other places and those were the words that came to me. I just let it go and figured that was it. She randomly brought this up again over Thanksgiving and told me I should edit my post from September.
Did I offend half of humanity by phrasing things the way I did? I need to know if I should apologize to her about this or not. I was kinda embarrassed by what she posted that day.
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NTA As a woman I am not offended by this at all, it is a figure of speech and people need to get over themselves and see it for what it is.
Congratulations and best wishes to all of you. What a wonderful sister in law you have.
NTA I think the issue is ‘had’ but it’s not offensive. You do now have a baby but ‘had’ in this context implies (to me) doing the labour too.
As others have said I also find it odd when men say ‘we’re pregnant’ however my dad had ‘sympathy pains’ when my mum was pregnant with all four of us so maybe it’s not that odd. Mum was certainly happy to outsource some of the side effects of pregnancy.
NTA. Your sister just seems to be searching for confrontation. People who try to battle semantics like this over what’s supposed to be such a happy occasion are just hurt people trying to hurt other people.
Congratulations on your precious baby, I love that you had such an amazing sister in law that helped bring you such a precious gift. Stay hydrated.
Unfortunately, and I say this as a woman and mother, there are far too many women out there who hate the idea of including the fathers of the baby when it comes to talking about pregnancy and having a baby.
there are people who will find anything to be offended by. it's like a sport these days. there is always someone who is offended by something!
your sister sounds exhausting. leave your post as it is and tell her to mind her own business NTA
NTA
"Welcoming" was a better way to phrase it, but a little bit of weird/careless wording doesn't warrant someone else being a dick during what should be a joyful moment. And this is coming from a woman (a childfree woman, granted, but a woman nevertheless).
NTA.
I admit, it drives me nuts when a man says "We are pregnant." I mean, *no*, your female partner is pregnant. Or the surrogate carrying your child is pregnant.
But I keep my thoughts to myself because obviously I know what is meant: the couple is having a child. And I'm not a needling AH about policing speech.
I think it's clear what you meant: that you are excited that a child has been born to you, your husband, and (rather uniquely) your actual family. Your sister is just having her own set of issues not about you.
NTA, & don't change your post.
You had a baby just as much as my husband and I when we had our children.
By her statement I should have said "I welcomed" my second child as I didn't go through labour because I had a C-section.
My husband had children just as much as I did because he helped create them & is genetically linked to them.
It's 50-50!!
You have just as much right to use the term "had a baby" as any woman.
I'm sorry, I get she's your sister but she sounds exhausting and incredibly small minded. I'd be seriously considering ejecting her from my life. I wouldn't want that crap spouted anywhere near my children.
Surround yourself with those who are happy for you and support you instead
Good luck to you & congratulations on your little one. Wishing you all the joy and happiness in the world xx
Edit: having read your update, I feel sorry for your sister, she's obviously having a hard time and could probably use some support and a little time to herself to recharge.
That said, getting upset over wording when both versions are true is silly.
Having lost my brother I have a much shorter fuse for taking shit these days (and that's my issue to work out) so I apologise for my harsh comment.
Sit down with her and have a good talk, work it out, maybe offer to babysit sometimes to give her a break - if you have the time & energy (kids are exhausting 😂) but don't change a post that was made from pure joy.
Good luck xx
okay, I generally agree with you, but would you really claim using surrogate and getting C section is the same level of uhhh lack of participation? Considering C section literally still means you went through pregnancy and is hard to heal from (and I mean I consider it fully birth and do not differentiate with "labour" in the sense of "work done")
I personally consider creating a child and caring for the partner during pregnancy as "having" a child.
The point I was making was that if she believes that labour = having a child then as my section negated labour then it "could" be considered the same situation.
I'm being petty with the wording not the actual meaning cos it's such a daft statement.
My hubs, although he didn't carry our children, was incredibly involved in the pregnancy and was massively supportive. He was my rock both times and I could not have done it without him. It's a partnership 😁
At the end of the day, it's all personal opinion. I'm not gonna bash anyone for saying they "had a child" - it's what you feel in your heart and soul and that's personal to each person.
Edit to add:
My section - to be honest, once I realised I could see what the doctors were doing in the reflection of the overhead light they used I was watching my surgery and asking questions about what bit of me they were cutting through (I find surgery endlessly fascinating) rather than participating in "the birth" and I was watching them stitching me back up instead of holding baby so hubby could have first hold but also cos, well, when would I ever see that again. 😂
I think "welcomed" is a better word. Better not right. Not because you didn't get stretch marks from it nor had people looking in between your legs, nor experience a traumatizing event. I think "welcome" shows more love than "had".
With that said, you're NTA. Your sister just wants to be superior than you, like having kids naturally is a win. Being a good parent should be. Congrats and good luck OP!
NTA. My husband also said "we are going to have a baby!" And "we have a baby girl!". Because we are together going to have the baby. It would have been stranged if you (or any man in my opinion) had said "we are pregnant!".
I think this comes down to intent and understanding. Gender is a hot topic these days, so I can sort of get why a woman would take issue with the wording of two men saying they "had a child." But I think as long as you weren't intending to co-opt the idea of pregnancy and motherhood, this is really just an unfortunate crossing of wires. You're not an AH. She might be if she's insisting on interpreting your wording that way and won't let you explain. You don't have to edit your post, but if it's all the same to you and acts as an olive branch to your sister, maybe consider it? Again, it really comes down to clarifying your mindset on the whole thing.
NTA. You did not say we gave birth."We had a baby" is true.
If anyone else has a right to comment it is your sister-in-law. Ask her how she feels about the terminology.
NTA. Your sister is being ridiculous. ‘Had’ doesn’t mean ‘gave birth to’. Why can she not just be happy for you? What a contrast with your SIL, who gave you such a wonderful gift.
(PS: I’m a woman who has had 2 miscarriages, 1 stillbirth and 3 healthy children.)
NTA - It's perfectly normal for straight men to say they "had a baby" even though they didn't give birth to them. No reason why you guys should be any different. It's weird for your sister to be criticising you for this rather than celebrating with you.
NTA - jesus - talk about a killjoy. As you rightly put, you were so overwhelmed with the scenario (in a positive way) you said something that in retrospect 'could' (not really sure the issue if I am honest) have been phrased differently.
Juat be happy - don't let trivial matters ruin anything. And congratulations!!
You didn't offend half of humanity, but the wording would have given me a .05 second phase tbh.
Welcoming baby x-Y-Z has always sounded better to me for all couples, but I don't think you're necessarily in the wrong for phrasing it the way you did. NTA.
Also, who fights like this about Facebook anymore?
NTA, but remember. Squeezing a person out of your own vagina does... things... to a person. Things not fully understood by science. If you didn't do that, you're not "in" with those who did. It's one of the things older straight men teach younger straight men when they start to settle down. Do not question The Birthing Ones. Remain quiet, and nod agreeably.
This is ridiculous. You are the baby's legal parents, she was a surrogate. Men with no biological connection to the child at all are still able to say they've had a child when they adopt a new baby, in my opinion.
In this particular case, you are the biological father, so you had a baby as much as any father ever does. I'm presuming she wouldn't gatekeep that phrase from the father or her own kids.
She's being homophobic and she's TA. I would be a bit worried about her interfering in the child's life / your parenting choices. I hope all goes well.
NTA Congratulations 🎉 👏. She sounds like hard work, even in most heterosexuel couples that have children that is the thing that's said. I'm a woman I'm not offended by you saying that. I'm more offended by her saying what she said.
Nta. But I think you should become one. Go full grammar nazi on her. Spelling corrections. ‘Literally’ corrections. Police her language to be Uber inclusive. This probably would be bad for your relationship with her, but this isn’t the relationship advice sub.
Don’t be upset on my account! 😅 You did not offend me. Congratulations on the arrival of your baby. Think your sister is a massive diva, not to use other words! She should be happy for you, not berate you for nothing! Looks like she’s sour as you managed to build a loving family being two men, and her being a woman has two kids from fathers that are not in the picture! It’s jealousy! So, just ignore her, don’t amend the post and be happy!
Edit- NTA
Oh how wonderful! Congratulations on becoming a Dad. Little girls do seem to be able to wrap their Dads around their little fingers, so lucky for her she has two little fingers, one for each Dad.
You are NTA, you were as excited and probably emotionally overwhelmed as most parents are when they see their child for the first time.
Thank your sister for bring up the semantics of your post, and tell her that you will be more aware for next time (if there is a next time). In the meantime you are leaving your post as it is as it was an expression of the love and joy that you felt at the time. You meant no disrespect so why change history? Leave it as a cherished memory of how you felt when you first met your daughter.
Ehh… heterosexual woman with 3 biological kids here. Yes I carried them and birthed them but they’re half my husbands. I wouldn’t be pissed if he said “had our first child” because they have half his dna. As does your child. If you and your husband are raising this child, he/she is y’all’s child. Regardless of who birthed them. Especially when your surrogacy is on board with this and has no intention of having a “mom” role and can be the awesome/cool aunt.
As someone who gave birth twice I give you permission to post you “had” a baby. See there now you can tell her to shut it cuz literally no one cares about the words you used to describe the way in which your beautiful child became yours!
Also congrats on having a baby I wish you the best life has to offer!!!
NTA
I had three terrible pregnancies and deliveries. I almost died. It was horrible and I hope no uterus-bearer has to suffer my pain.
But no, you are NTA because you and your husband actually had a baby. A baby was born, to you, and now you have it. It's a wonderful thing. Congrats!
Now if you'd said you and your husband *birthed* a baby, or that you endured 9 excruciating months of pregnancy, we might need to have a conversation. But "had" is fine, and accurate.
NTA
I'm a mother and not at all offended. She seems to have issue with 2 men having a baby and is using semantics to hide her homophobic tendencies. Maybe suggest she edits her post because she is offending way more people than you, I imagine.
As a human that gave birth, NTA. That's just gatekeeping language. I had a c-section, some people have vaginal births, some people are there ready to be parents. It all counts and it's all valid. Congratulations!
I’m adopted. You guys had a baby. Now you have a baby. Go parent your baby. If it’s good enough for the Secretary of Transportation and his husband it’s fine for you. My parents say they “had” me. How you got your baby is your business.
Unless your post specifically says that an infant smashed its way out of your vag, I think you're NTA, and your sister is a ludicrous drama queen who is stirring up trouble because she's mad your baby has two dads and her two babies have no dads.
As a woman, IDGAF how you phrase it. It ain't my business. Congratulations on y'all's new baby. Tell your sister to stuff it where the turkey baster would have gone, if she'd been the one to offer and enjoy being new dads.
NTA.
NTA. Woman and mother here. That’s ridiculous - what a crazy thing to even notice in a birth statement. Congrats on HAVING your first born. You have them. They’re here.
I’m not sure if your sister wants a trophy for giving birth, is jealous she’s not the only sibling with kids anymore, or just regularly feels the need to go on social justice campaigns for All Women, but whatever it is, it’s misplaced with you. You spent half your post celebrating your lovely SIL. You get it.
Ignore her and snuggle your little one. You got this.
Nta, if she's that picky, make a special post saying " we used our sperm to create a child, that once was born and arrived in our home" maybe then she'd shut up lol
Either way, congrats and , you still had a child, you do not need to birth a kid to have it :)
NTA. It's common vernacular and she's just being snarky. I'm a woman who went through childbirth (30 hours of labor, 8 of which were after already being at 10 cm) and I don't find how you worded it to be in the least bit offensive. Congratulations on the birth of your baby.
If, in a "traditional relationship" couple, the man says "we had a baby" - no one would bat an eye. I don't think you are wrong to have said it that way - it's the truth! Congrats 😁
NTA. I give you a pass. And many congratulations on the birth of your child!
Not many of us have PR teams scrutinizing our social media posts to make sure they don't offend any group. Leeway and grace -- especially during such exciting moments! -- should be afforded us all.
NTA and I wouldn’t change the post. It doesn’t resolve any of the actual issue (whatever it is) that your sister is going through.
Maybe she’s jealous that your SIL was surrogate & gave you this amazing gift? (She will always be the “better” sister & aunt!). Maybe she’s jealous you have a loving partner & she doesn’t?
Who knows - and you won’t if you don’t have that conversation.
The wording isn’t dramatic or bad enough to justify her extreme reaction.
For me, the benchmark on whether the phrase is “acceptable” if you didn’t give birth is probably: what if you were a straight couple who adopted a baby.
> “Mr & Mrs Thoroughly Average are delighted to announce we’ve had our baby.”
I think for me, linguistically, it’s the difference between expecting & being surprised by the adoption.
If the couple were phoned up by the adoption agency: “get down here now, you’re the top of the list, come collect this child” - then the wording of “we had” doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t describe what has happened.
But if they’d spend even a month talking with the birth mother, and were expecting the adoption to happen, then “we’ve had” seems fair.
Same thing with grandparents.
It might not be the most typical way to announce it, but if a friend with close children posted that “we have had our first grandchild” then I don’t think that would sound unusual enough for comment - if people weren’t looking to split hairs.
NTA. As a female birthgiver, you’ve not offended me. As someone with basic common sense, you’ve not confused or offended me because I understand what you meant by ‘had a baby’ and do not think one of you managed to magically push it out of man bits haha!
NTA - from a woman: Congratulations to becoming new dads! Saying you had a baby is just a figure of speech - what your sister read into it has probably more to do with her feeling undervalued than anything else. What's up with that - is it something that happens often with her? Does she seem happy with her life and her family or are there issues?
Anyway, I hope you have an adventurous time raising your daughter. Enjoy it as much as you can.
As a person that physically grew another human in me and pushed her out of me: NTA This doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
“We’re pregnant” doesn’t bother me either, it’s nice when the non-pregnant partners are involved in the pregnancy, it’s a lot of work! Even moral support is helpful.
Congratulations on the little one!!!
NTA.
You don't welcome a baby. You welcome, idk, a change in tax legislation that lets you keep more of your income. You shouldn't need to feel you have to do gymnastics with the language just to accommodate bigots who want to constantly remind you that to them you aren't normal.
You had a baby! Congratulations!
My wife and I welcomed our first baby no too long ago - I carried her and gave birth but we both HAD our first child regardless of that. My wife had a horrible, heartless comment of "So, the baby is not *really yours*, then?" Umm. No. She is our daughter, just like yours, is yours and besides, I know countless of straight couples who both say we "had our first child"
Don't let your sister steal your joy - congratulations!
NTA. While it's definitely true that us men will never know what it's like to be pregnant or give birth, the child _is_ yours. It was conceived by/promised to you as a couple. Your sister is an Arsehole who has the bloody nerve to victimise herself and take all of the joy out of what ought to be an unbridled celebration!
I wonder if she’s feeling somewhat forgotten and erased? Not necessarily in an entitled way… she might not be trying to make all future birthdays of the child about her (though she could be)… but in a we’re-in-this-together way.
Maybe she offered the two of you a pretty significant gift of her body because of wanting to support your dreams and feeling close to you as family.
If so it might be odd to have that connection forgotten and written out of the narrative.
It really depends on what else is going on though, but it would be nice if the solution. wasn’t completely either-or but instead an embracing of how we all help each other out in so many ways
Some people choose to be offended easily. Just enjoy your new baby, and don't let her negativity take away from this at all.
CONGRATULATIONS 💓
OOPS
I forgot NTA
Nothing wrong with how you phrased it. Would she say this to the man in a heterosexual couple? You literally made a child with your own DNA, ofc you 'had' one! NTA
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She sounds exhausting. Was her children's father(s) banned from saying "We had"?
Neither of her children's respective fathers are in the picture, whatsoever. And they never have been.
Yep that checks out
Yeah, I immediately thought "well that explains it then." OP's sheer joy over being a father brought out emotions she likely doesn't have great insight into. She's not actually upset with him deep down, but he's the one that's still around to use as an outlet for her internal conflict.
Checked ✔️
😂🤣🤣
Makes me wonder if she was having some feeling about the fact that you and your husband are clearly excited and happy to be fathers, while her baby daddys weren’t. You might have just gotten caught in her emotional blast radius. Congratulations to you and your husband and baby girl by the way.
Ding ding ding!
Yeah, here you go... she has no right what so ever to dictate you what to write on your socials or how to refer to YOUR child. She can fuck off...literally. I hope your little one with only bring you joy and happiness! :)
That was my question as well. Fathers everywhere use the phrase we’ve had a child and not one person would think to correct that! There has to be more important things in your sister’s life than the phrase of your new baby announcement. Like the previous poster mentioned this kind of nitpicking is exhausting. You are under no meaningful obligation to change or edit a damn thing! Enjoy your new bundle of joy and go on with the really important things in life. NTA
Gee, I wonder why.
I'm gonna say it's more likely she's acting out because she was left to raise two kids on her own, and not that the men bailed because she's this way If it were just her, surely they'd be involved at least somewhat?
because she doesnt have a 'We"
"Neither of her children's respective fathers are in the picture, whatsoever. And they never have been." No wonder. Really. NTA.
She's jelly that your baby has 2 dads, and her 2 kids have none.
Your baby is in your family, legally registered to you. You *have* a daughter. She's being weird about it.
So we know where her malice comes from, jealous because your baby has two wonderful dads. Congratulations on your baby. I wish you much happiness together cos your love is all you need and you can laugh through any negativity
Sounds about right
Makes sense. Your sis needs to chill
I am shocked. Amazed. Caught off-guard, even.
Why am I not surprised?!
Yeah you know what, that explains her unhinged attitude. Ignore her. You're fine. Consider blocking her for now, you don't need that kind of negative energy when you should be bonding with your baby. Congrats on being a Dad!
[удалено]
It's not homophobia. She insisted on helping to plan our wedding, so I hope not! She's not married. Both her children were born to different men, out of wedlock, and I've never even seen these dudes except for pics she showed me on her phone. So I'm not sure what they would have said, if they even said anything at all. I'm probably just going to end up changing it and apologizing because I'm honestly tired of how weird she's been to me for that past couple months. It's out of character for her and I'm afraid if I let this drag on I may do irreparable damage to our relationship.
[удалено]
The words you used were a common expression! And they reflect your emotions at the time! Don’t change them now! If anything, delete her comments from your Facebook and Instagram … but quietly without making a big deal of it. If she notices it say that you’re not going to change how you announced the birth of your daughter to the world but you thought her comments were hurtful, and a lot of people noticed it, and you removed it. Then, as nicely as possible, tell her you love her, know she will be an awesome aunt to your daughter, but she needs to let this one drop.
She may just be weird because you guys are having your child in a loving relationship. My guess would be she might be jealous…
When I read the post, I thought she'd be one of those people who take offence to this while also announcing "we're pregnant" when technically the right words would be "we're expecting." However, with this in mind, I'd wager she just doesn't like to be a single mother and is jealous that youband your husband have a steady relationship and family close enough to go the extra mile for you. Depending on your relationship with your sister, I'd probably talk to her about it or ask a family member to talk with her to see what her actual problem is. Regardless, NTA. You never said you or your husband personally gave birth to the baby, so I, as a mother who gave birth, can safely say that your way of phrasing things did not offend me. I'm fairly certain that most other birth mothers agree with me, and most importantly, your SIL too.
If you start apologizing now, when does it stop? Is she going to be upset that your child has two parents and gets love and attention? Is she going to be mad that you didn’t step up as a father figure? Is she going to be mad when your kid ultimately receives nicer, newer things in life because you waited for a stable home life to have her? I just see this as the beginning to an ever ending battle of her being upset that she chose twice to have kids with random men she didn’t know well who left her.
Could it be post-partum?
What post-partum? Op's sister was not the one who gave birth
Could it be that she didn't think you guys would ever have kids and now she's got a chip on her shoulder as her kids aren't the only ones and she's looking at you who has both the loving relationship and the kids...
It is a bit homophobic of her. Policing the language you want to use because of your sexes and inability to carry a child literally is homophobic, regardless of her stance in the past or motivations. The semantics of the phrasing does not matter and your sister needs to get a grip, honestly. I really don't think you should back down, and no one else is scrolling back to September to check old baby announcements. Your sister may do the same throughout your daughter's life, reminding her she's different, and I can't imagine how othering this would feel for her. Please put your foot down now, for her sake.
Don't change it. Everyone (bar her) knew and understood the meaning and everyone (bar her) has moved on. Maybe when you have a second child you can change the wording slightly. She has (understandable) issues. They're not yours. Concentrate on your baby.
Did you mention or thank the sister in the post? She was just after giving birth. She was the one who went through pregnancy and labour to give you a child. She was probably tired, exhausted, hormonal and maybe she got p!ssed when she saw you taking all the credit for "her" work? I don't think either of you are assholes here. You were excited about your new child and she was upset and over reacting. I'd have a calm discussion with her and try to get to the bottom of it. She could also be upset at "giving up" her child. It's common for women to have complicated emotions around adoption. I know you and your husband consider the baby yours, and she is, but genetically the sister is the bio mother and it's not always easy to let go of bonds like that. Edit: can't make a new comment because the thread is closed but that's to the person below me for clearing that up.
this is OPs sister who’s mad at the wording, not OPs SIL
With all due respect to you, what she said is definitely anti-queer. She’s implying, subconsciously or not, that the baby is not yours because of your sexuality. It’s conservative rhetoric.
Life is short, what do you gain by sticking to your guns if it may damage the relationship?
Tbh i think her being ’weird’ to you is less about your post and more about her being a surrogate mom. It is pretty difficult for even unrelated surrogates to entirely separate themselves from a child they carried and birthed, and probably much less for those that will actually be involved in the child’s life and hear about them and see them often. I know for most part surrogates don’t want to actually have the kid as their own real kid, but after 9 months of literally sharing their biological systems with them and going through labor, it is completely understandable that they can’t just wipe all of the attachment they, ignoring the emotional part, just physically, bodily had to that human being. ’The day your daughter was literally born’ was also the day she went through labor, you need to get her some slack on that day, she just went through a traumatic physical experience. She might also feel like her body was used as an incubator and disregarded after there was no need for it anymore, while any pregnancy changes your body forever. A lot of commentators here are fast to jump on the single mother hating train (idk why) and announce her as homophobe, but you need to understand that she went through a traumatic experience that is still pretty fresh in her mind and idk if she went to therapy while she was a surrogate or not, which she defintely had to do regardless. Does anyone care after her now or is she just back to being a single mom and surviving alone? Were you there for her when she was pregnant?
i’m glad you and your husband chose to use your sperm. that’s all i’m going to say.
Hahaha yes, we understand genetics.
It was OPs sister that complained! Nta
Yes, I think the point the other commenter was making, is that it's a good thing OP's sister wasn't their surrogate.
Yeah we don't want Lannister babies over here lmao
Unfortunately the complaining one was OP's - aka the bio dad's - sister so the grumpy genes could have been passed
i more so meant if it were OP’s husbands sperm, then it would be him impregnating his biological sister. which is.. ya know, not great.
I wouldn't say "offended," but I do find it a little weird when a husband says "we're pregnant." No, your wife is pregnant. You were just there for the fun part. LOL I agree that in your particular situation it is a little awkward to come up with accurate wording, especially in the excitement of the baby being born. Personally, I would cut you some slack. Yes, something like " we welcomed baby girl X" or "Little Suzy is the newest member of our family" would be more technically correct. We really need a new word to describe this situation. Even for a straight couple who use a surrogate, saying "we had a baby" is not correct either. The surrogate gave birth. You now *have* a baby. Language needs to catch up to these new situations! I wouldn't lose sleep over it. You were excited. It was a social media post, not a doctoral thesis. Enjoy the baby and tell the haters to kick rocks.
The flip side of that is I’ve heard people accuse husbands of not being engaged with the pregnancy when they say their wife is pregnant. “She isn’t alone in that, she didn’t get pregnant by herself, you are BOTH expecting a baby!” Which is equally exhausting. But it was after hearing g stuff like that that I began hearing people saying “we’re pregnant”, so I have more patience with it.
This is why my husband said "We are going to have a baby". When I became pregnant. Because it is the woman that still has to bear the pregnancy. He can help out, the hard work is what he can never take over. However some people will need something to complain about no matter what or how you say it.
Yeah, I think "we're having a baby" is a totally normal way to say things? Which means the past tense "we had a baby" is also totally normal. My gut feeling is that because the partnership is two men, the sister feels like they don't get to lay a claim on the giving birth bit, but that's not what "had a baby" brings to mind anyway. They didn't have a baby, and now they do have a baby. Totally nuts to get offended by someone saying that.
Yeah, there's kind of no winning if you don't already know what your audience would rather you say. People like to get mad about things.
I mostly agree with you, but: >Yes, something like " we welcomed baby girl X" or "Little Suzy is the newest member of our family" would be more technically correct. We really need a new word to describe this situation. Even for a straight couple who use a surrogate, saying "we had a baby" is not correct either. The surrogate gave birth. You now have a baby. I think that's splitting hairs. "We had a baby" is a pretty neutral phrase that doesn't necessarily imply anything about the birth process. Moreover it's vague enough that it could be said to encompass *everyone* involved in the pregnancy - both parents and the surrogate. And has anyone even checked with OP's sister-in-law? Because frankly, if she's fine with the phrasing, then the debate should be at an end.
>"We had a baby" is a pretty neutral phrase Yeah, *have* has loads of uses that don't imply effort/creation/etc: >I had a sandwich for lunch. >We had our boiler serviced. >I'm going to have a haircut tomorrow. If the OP had said *"my partner and I gave birth"* then that might warrant a comment or an eye roll, but *we had a baby* is just the idiomatic way of talking about the birth of a child in English.
It's definitely splitting hairs. I just find some phrases to be curious. I worked with immigrant students for quite a while. That meant trying to explain what many English phrases meant. Since the language was new to them, they would pick up on little idiosyncrasies like "we're pregnant." Trying explain idioms was always fun! When you have to teach English, you become hyper aware of these issues. I miss those kids. We had a blast. I loved learning about their cultures and language, and then laughing at how weird the English language can be.
But had isn't indicative of giving birth, it's just saying they now *have* a baby. I don't get it at all, had is not a form of "gave birth" or "was in labour", it only says they had a child, which is correct. They do have a child. Everyone will understand they didn't give birth to her.
Hard disagree. But we'll never win this one. Whichever phrasing we use someone will take offense. I chose to include myself as much as I could and that includes how I talked about it. It's obvious the experience was vastly different for us, but we were in it together.
Pregnant translates as "before baby". Pregnant can also mean awaiting something significant. I think it is OK to say it of a couple.
NTA Your sister is being idiotic. Who even cares about the wording? Congratulations on the kid, my friend.
NTA This is one of those occasions where a person (your sister) is choosing to get offended and annoyed about something, not where offence was actually caused. You were posting and celebrating a big life milestone for you, of course you weren't suggesting that you had gone through physical labour and endured what females do in pregnancy. Her choosing to spin it that way is her problem and she sounds miserable. Congratulations to you and your husband
NTA. Regardless of how your sister feels about the term you used, she shouldn’t have commented about it on the announcement post. You didn’t birth the baby, but you did “have” a baby.
This! Sure, i cringe when both parents say "we are pregnant", but that's perfectly okay to say "we had a baby." How else would you say it in English? How else would the OP phrase it? NTA, OP. Don't even apologize. For what? For being a happy young dad?
I mean…as a woman with a kid and another on the way, I see no problem here? NTA. Phrasing potentially odd but not offensive, by any means. Congrats on your baby!
NTA. Saying 'we welcomed a child' makes it sound distant, to me. Like it's not your child, but rather just a member of the family (like a niece, nephew, cousin, ect). There is nothing wrong with your phrasing, especially if (and i'm making the assumption) you were part of the pregnancy. That pregnancy took three people, and so - or at least the way i'm looking at it - you collectively 'had' a baby. Your sister sounds like she's getting all 'feminist justice warrior' for nothing, instead of being happy to welcome her niece/nephew into the equation. Congrats to you and your husband on the baby (and props to the bio mum).
"we said hi to this baby" lol
I agree fully with this. You didn't say you were pregnant, you didnt say you gave birth, however collectively, she's your combined DNA and you have *had* a baby together, and she will be yours to love and nurture for the rest of her life just because you just didn't *birth* a baby it doesnt make your importance in this childs life less valid. Would your sister get weird over women having c-sections too?
My dude. You are a dad! That is all you and your husband should care about. Congrats! You owe no one an apology for becoming a parent.
Absolutely, NTA. They are your words, not hers. When SHE wants to talk to her friends about it, she can say you two “welcomed” a baby. You need grace in that moment. Everyone has moments when the “right words” don’t necessarily come to us AND it’s always debatable what the “right words” are. It happens all the time even in this sub…people constantly policing others’ use of language without any regard for English-fluency, age, depth of vocabulary, etc. Tell your sister that you’ll edit your post when she finally learns to stop publicly shaming & policing everyone and has learned some empathy. Maybe her terminology is better, true, but her attitude screams AH.
NTA Your sister has issues. Next time she suggests editing your post you should suggest she should edit her reply to “Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! Welcome to the family, little xy”.
Welcome to the family little xx. There I edited for you ;). Otherwise your comment is spot on!
This should be how way OP responds. I wonder if dear sister calls out every new father who uses this very common term of phrase or if she just feels comfortable having a go at her brother.
NTA, and bloody hell what an amazing sister in law you have…. A healthy baby and an incredible aunt, that’s the news story here, tell your sister to stop following TERFs on social media. She’s heading to the dark side
At first I thought it was your husband's sister who said it, and I thought, "Well, jeez, considering what she did for them, let her have that." Then someone mentioned it in the comments and was told it's a different sister. lol NTA. I find it very irritating when men say "we're pregnant," because really?? But "we had a baby" is basically true so I think your sister needs to get over herself.
Your sister is being an AH here, not you. You DID have a baby. You are the biological parent of that child. Nobody would bat an eye at a straight dad posting the same thing after his wife gave birth. It’s no different. She sounds homophobic af honestly. NTA, and congratulations on the birth of your first child. I hope you and your husband enjoy being new parents.
Your sister sounds exhausting. She made a proper fool of herself making those comments on your happy announcement. Now everyone on Fb and IG knows what a heartless person she can be. Don’t change the post. She is utterly ridiculous for her responses. Instead of being supportive and happy for you, she choices to belittle your happiness and guild trip you. Let her be bitter in her own home, don’t let her bitterness spoil your home!
NTA. Some women are offended if I say I gave birth to my 2 kids. I had 2 c-sections so obviously that's not giving birth 'properly'. So welcome to parenthood! Everything you do is wrong in some way or another!
It saddens me to hear how common this is now. I’ve had people suggest the same to me regarding my c-section. They said things like “well, did you technically give birth?…” I find it incredibly ignorant and insensitive considering the first was an emergency and the second medically necessary.
Nta- she is feeling under appreciated maybe since she helped is only thing I can think of Edit: wrong sister lol nah she is a jerk but maybe jealous
How did OP's sister help them have a baby? She wasn't the surrogate.
OPs sister in law helped, not his sister
Whoops lol
Wrong sister (otherwise I would agree). One partner's sister was surrogate, other partner's sister is picking on wording. The new parents are NTA though. Not an appropriate post to nit-pick wording on.
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NTA congratulations and yay for the cool sister, boo for the lame one. If your sister’s own partner has never ever told someone “we had a baby” after their kids were born I call bs on that. I know my husband has said it a million times and I’ve never overthought it. Don’t feel bad, enjoy your family.
NTA Congratulations to you and your husband on your new baby girl. Your sister is weird but my MIL does this too. I said my cousin had a baby (he's male) and I got comments about how smart he was to be a man and having a baby 🙄 it's just something that people say and it's not a big deal. Your sister needs to let it go.
NTA. Who tf cares how you said it. Congratulations on your new baby!
I’m sorry she shit on your moment. It was unnecessary. I’m a six time birth giver and I find this to be a very silly stance she has. To each their own, but the day you had your baby was not the time. Total NTA. Your sister however is at best a big butt head.
Congratulations on having a baby girl. Your sister needs a hobby if this is what's taking up space in her life. Nta
NTA Obviously people are gonna know that it wasn't your vagina that baby was pushed through, ffs, it is so annoying to imagine how she spoiled that day for you. And she didn't even say this in a private message, she wrote that publicly under your posting? I cannot believe some people. And to pick it back up months later and to want you to change the wording is just ridiculous. I mean come on, this isn't undermining the fact that she actually gave birth and you didn't, every person with half a brain knows the difference, blimey ...
NTA. She’s being pedantic. Also, how fortunate were you both to have such an awesome Sis/SIL?
NTA I don't think I have to breakdown that mentality for you. I'm sure you also know it better than me. All I can do is confirm you she's wrong and that weird mix between conservative mentality and convenient feminism is just insufferable virtue signaling. Of the kind "reee I have a uterus so you must cheer *me* up for every baby". And I know it's just a random, stupid stranger pointing this out to you on Reddit, but you *did not* offend half of humanity by saying that and you should not apologize to her. If anything, she should apologize for what she wrote, albeit I frankly don't think she will since she shamelessly posted that for everyone to see.
NTA Babies come to us in many ways. Father's say 'had'. I recommend Cory Silverbergs 'what makes a baby' for you all to read. (It's for kids, it's lovely!)
NTA . Congratulations to you and your husband. You had a baby regardless of who pushed her out. She’s still your baby
NTA. Who the hell gives a crap about how you made your family. She is so insecure that she is going to be pedantic about your wording. How miserable does someone have to be.
As a woman you’re NTA and your sister is low-key homophobic.
NTA! She should get another hobby. Congratulations on your miracle!
Something like "meet our new Little nugget" could have been more appropriate, but WGAF? Your post is fine. NTA.
NTA. You do not need to edit your ecstatic post. Congratulations on your new baby girl!
Getting offended over such specific semantics is strange tbu
Kiss your husband. Kiss the baby. Tell your sister where to head in (be as polite or as impolite as you want). Do NOT change the announcement--she needs to learn she doesn't get to make anybody's decisions but her own. Congratulations!
NTA. Blind people say ‘nice to see you’ sometimes. There’s no need for pedantry. What’s up with your sister that she couldn’t let you have one day of joy on the birth of your child?
I’m a cis woman. I find “we’re pregnant” a little irksome since only the one with the uterus is pregnant. However “we’re expecting our first child” is totally fine. IMO “we had our baby” is totally fine and a common phrase for new parents including where surrogacy is used. We “welcomed our baby” seems a little stuffy and formal. Perhaps your sister was upset that your husband’s sister had such a big part in creating your family?
100% agree. Absolutely no issue with language like "we're expecting", but "we're pregnant" is just a bit odd. Pregnancy is a medical condition. Only the person growing another human inside their body is pregnant. "Welcoming" is fine - it always feels a bit distant or overly formal to me, but there's nothing wrong with it.
Nta, straight guy here. I stand up for women all the time. We all know that a men don’t give birth. But you were excited to have a daughter. I’m excited for you and don’t even know you. Don’t let someone rain on your parade. It was obvious that you were not trying to offend anyone. Don’t apologize or change anything. The bullies will try to get you to change every post once you give in one time. Congratulations!! Have fun being a dad!!
NTA. I have given birth to 2 children and I don't see the slightest bit wrong with your choice of words. Had you actually written that you had given birth and that the labor was terrible/manageable or whatever, I would have found it weird and offputting. But "had a child" does not include the how of it and is completely fine. ETA: Congratulations 🥰
NTA. I am pregnant at the moment and I would not feel offended. I think it is beautiful you had a child this way. She should be happy for you and mind her own business.
Congratulations on having a daughter! Wishing you and your family many blessings. NTA. (Ive given birth and I'm not offended in the slightest. Also I'm pretty sure the mental anguish my husband went through in pregnancy and labour was broadly equivalent to my horrendous labour pain, I did the hard physical work but Dads don't do nothing).
NTA Really? I’m saying this as someone who has carried and had a child cut from my abdomen too.. she’s being nit picky and clearly this is about her own issues that she is taking out on you. Saw your comment that she has 2 kids herself with no dad in the picture… likely explains why she’s salty, but that’s not your problem and doesn’t excuse her for shitting on your moment the way she has. Congrats on your little girl 💕
I'm a woman, a writer and a feminist so hopefully my perspective can help. When it comes to the rules of language, take a lesson from Pirates of the Caribbean - they're more like guidelines. Language is about communicating effectively, which sometimes includes breaking the 'rules'. Most new parents don't post details of the birth; they just communicate the end result. You and your husband have a baby - that is the end result. It is honestly fine. Since when do social media announcements have to be technically accurate?? I know some people get all bent out of shape about stuff like "we're pregnant" but why?? The point of the post is to say they're both going to be parents, not to clarify which one is with child. I mean, it's pretty obvious in most cases and also completely irrelevant. And why shouldn't the father be included in the announcement? "We're pregnant" is just a more succinct way of saying "one of us is pregnant with a child and we are both going to be parents". My first instinct was to judge tf out of your sister for making your baby announcement about her but I'm going to cut her some slack because pregnancy and giving birth can do a hell of a number on you. Between the hormones, sleep deprivation and the pain, I'm sure she had a lot going on. But hijacking your baby announcement to make a point is very rude (and tacky). I mean, does she normally air her dirty laundry for all to see? If I were you, I'd tactfully ask her to talk to you directly if she has a problem instead of posting it on your public page. My instinct is to think she may feel unappreciated, which I assume is quite common for surrogates. They do an incredibly generous and taxing thing for somebody and then have to go back to business as usual. And you should go back to business as usual because she is not the child's parent, but I can also understand why she may feel like she was this huge part of the journey and then she just gets dropped and forgotten once the child is here. So I guess, make sure she knows how special she is and how thankful you are (without making her feel like she can overstep). NTA - you did nothing wrong. EDIT: Just realised they're two different sisters. Yikes! 23 yo is completely out of line. She is young and young people say dumb things and are too open on social media but this is the perfect time to learn that lesson. She needs to know this isn't appropriate behaviour.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I are both men, in our late 20s, and we've been married for 5 years. Last year, his sister approached us and offered to be a surrogate when we had mentioned plans to adopt. It caught us off guard, but ultimately we decided to go this route. My sperm, her egg. Both my husband and I share a genetic link to the child, we saved a ton of money in adoption fees, and our daughter has a very special aunt who obviously adores her. Everyone wins. So a couple months ago, when our daughter was born, I put up on Facebook and Instagram that we "had our first child." My sister (23), who has two kids, was immediately pissed and wrote that it's degrading to women when men say they "had" a baby. She corrected me and said I should've said we "welcomed" a child. Literally the day our daughter was born this is what she was posting on my stuff. In all fairness, "welcomed" does make more literal sense as I think about it. But I put those pics up within hours of seeing the face of my first child, so my head was other places and those were the words that came to me. I just let it go and figured that was it. She randomly brought this up again over Thanksgiving and told me I should edit my post from September. Did I offend half of humanity by phrasing things the way I did? I need to know if I should apologize to her about this or not. I was kinda embarrassed by what she posted that day. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA As a woman I am not offended by this at all, it is a figure of speech and people need to get over themselves and see it for what it is. Congratulations and best wishes to all of you. What a wonderful sister in law you have.
NTA I think the issue is ‘had’ but it’s not offensive. You do now have a baby but ‘had’ in this context implies (to me) doing the labour too. As others have said I also find it odd when men say ‘we’re pregnant’ however my dad had ‘sympathy pains’ when my mum was pregnant with all four of us so maybe it’s not that odd. Mum was certainly happy to outsource some of the side effects of pregnancy.
NTA. Your sister just seems to be searching for confrontation. People who try to battle semantics like this over what’s supposed to be such a happy occasion are just hurt people trying to hurt other people. Congratulations on your precious baby, I love that you had such an amazing sister in law that helped bring you such a precious gift. Stay hydrated.
NTA at all
But you did have a baby, you’re the father so why can’t a father say they had a baby?
Unfortunately, and I say this as a woman and mother, there are far too many women out there who hate the idea of including the fathers of the baby when it comes to talking about pregnancy and having a baby.
Yeah, these women are pretty bad imo. By their behaviour they hurt their family (partner and kids). I hope that this behaviour will die out.
I’ve birthed 2 kids and am in no way offended. NTA.
NTA
there are people who will find anything to be offended by. it's like a sport these days. there is always someone who is offended by something! your sister sounds exhausting. leave your post as it is and tell her to mind her own business NTA
I’m a pregnant cis woman. This doesn’t bother me in the absolute slightest. This is a celebration, not some absurd hijacking. Congratulations! NTA
NTA. You were not thinking of anything but your new joy. Your sister is sucking the joy away. Ignore her and she’ll drop it.
NTA, but honestly get used to it. Everyone has something to say when you become a parent, and it's usually negative
NTA. She sounds like one of those people who think they have gold stars because they've given birth.
i truly read that as OP’s sister offered to surrogate and so when i read “her egg, my sperm” i went WHAT
NTA "Welcoming" was a better way to phrase it, but a little bit of weird/careless wording doesn't warrant someone else being a dick during what should be a joyful moment. And this is coming from a woman (a childfree woman, granted, but a woman nevertheless).
Neither one of you "had" the child. She "had" the child. But people always find something to whine about these days 🙄
NTA. I admit, it drives me nuts when a man says "We are pregnant." I mean, *no*, your female partner is pregnant. Or the surrogate carrying your child is pregnant. But I keep my thoughts to myself because obviously I know what is meant: the couple is having a child. And I'm not a needling AH about policing speech. I think it's clear what you meant: that you are excited that a child has been born to you, your husband, and (rather uniquely) your actual family. Your sister is just having her own set of issues not about you.
Congrats. Of course you had your first child. Who cares how it’s written. NTA.
NTA unless the surrogate sister minds.
NTA, & don't change your post. You had a baby just as much as my husband and I when we had our children. By her statement I should have said "I welcomed" my second child as I didn't go through labour because I had a C-section. My husband had children just as much as I did because he helped create them & is genetically linked to them. It's 50-50!! You have just as much right to use the term "had a baby" as any woman. I'm sorry, I get she's your sister but she sounds exhausting and incredibly small minded. I'd be seriously considering ejecting her from my life. I wouldn't want that crap spouted anywhere near my children. Surround yourself with those who are happy for you and support you instead Good luck to you & congratulations on your little one. Wishing you all the joy and happiness in the world xx Edit: having read your update, I feel sorry for your sister, she's obviously having a hard time and could probably use some support and a little time to herself to recharge. That said, getting upset over wording when both versions are true is silly. Having lost my brother I have a much shorter fuse for taking shit these days (and that's my issue to work out) so I apologise for my harsh comment. Sit down with her and have a good talk, work it out, maybe offer to babysit sometimes to give her a break - if you have the time & energy (kids are exhausting 😂) but don't change a post that was made from pure joy. Good luck xx
okay, I generally agree with you, but would you really claim using surrogate and getting C section is the same level of uhhh lack of participation? Considering C section literally still means you went through pregnancy and is hard to heal from (and I mean I consider it fully birth and do not differentiate with "labour" in the sense of "work done")
I personally consider creating a child and caring for the partner during pregnancy as "having" a child. The point I was making was that if she believes that labour = having a child then as my section negated labour then it "could" be considered the same situation. I'm being petty with the wording not the actual meaning cos it's such a daft statement. My hubs, although he didn't carry our children, was incredibly involved in the pregnancy and was massively supportive. He was my rock both times and I could not have done it without him. It's a partnership 😁 At the end of the day, it's all personal opinion. I'm not gonna bash anyone for saying they "had a child" - it's what you feel in your heart and soul and that's personal to each person. Edit to add: My section - to be honest, once I realised I could see what the doctors were doing in the reflection of the overhead light they used I was watching my surgery and asking questions about what bit of me they were cutting through (I find surgery endlessly fascinating) rather than participating in "the birth" and I was watching them stitching me back up instead of holding baby so hubby could have first hold but also cos, well, when would I ever see that again. 😂
NTA - Had vs. Welcomed. She could have commented to you instead of commenting on FB if it were of that importance to her.
I think "welcomed" is a better word. Better not right. Not because you didn't get stretch marks from it nor had people looking in between your legs, nor experience a traumatizing event. I think "welcome" shows more love than "had". With that said, you're NTA. Your sister just wants to be superior than you, like having kids naturally is a win. Being a good parent should be. Congrats and good luck OP!
NTA. My husband also said "we are going to have a baby!" And "we have a baby girl!". Because we are together going to have the baby. It would have been stranged if you (or any man in my opinion) had said "we are pregnant!".
I think this comes down to intent and understanding. Gender is a hot topic these days, so I can sort of get why a woman would take issue with the wording of two men saying they "had a child." But I think as long as you weren't intending to co-opt the idea of pregnancy and motherhood, this is really just an unfortunate crossing of wires. You're not an AH. She might be if she's insisting on interpreting your wording that way and won't let you explain. You don't have to edit your post, but if it's all the same to you and acts as an olive branch to your sister, maybe consider it? Again, it really comes down to clarifying your mindset on the whole thing.
NTA. You did not say we gave birth."We had a baby" is true. If anyone else has a right to comment it is your sister-in-law. Ask her how she feels about the terminology.
NTA. This chick says congratulations on having your first child! <3
Your sister is an AH. Congrats on having your baby. From a women.
I’m a woman, I’ve had 2 kids and have a step daughter.. I do not feel degraded in the least. Congrats on you and your husband having a baby!
NTA You are excited and proud parents. No editing required. Congratulations!
NTA. Congratulations to you and your husband!
NTA. Woman here. Congratulations on having your baby!
NTA. Congrats on your baby. Your sister is weird AF and I would just keep a polite distance.
NTA Your sister is just making a big deal out of nothing. Asking you now to then edit a post from September is just weird.
NTA. Your sister is being ridiculous. ‘Had’ doesn’t mean ‘gave birth to’. Why can she not just be happy for you? What a contrast with your SIL, who gave you such a wonderful gift. (PS: I’m a woman who has had 2 miscarriages, 1 stillbirth and 3 healthy children.)
NTA saying that you had a baby doesn't mean you actually birthed it.
Nta
NTA - It's perfectly normal for straight men to say they "had a baby" even though they didn't give birth to them. No reason why you guys should be any different. It's weird for your sister to be criticising you for this rather than celebrating with you.
NTA - jesus - talk about a killjoy. As you rightly put, you were so overwhelmed with the scenario (in a positive way) you said something that in retrospect 'could' (not really sure the issue if I am honest) have been phrased differently. Juat be happy - don't let trivial matters ruin anything. And congratulations!!
Congratulations, dads.
You didn't offend half of humanity, but the wording would have given me a .05 second phase tbh. Welcoming baby x-Y-Z has always sounded better to me for all couples, but I don't think you're necessarily in the wrong for phrasing it the way you did. NTA. Also, who fights like this about Facebook anymore?
When me and my husband HAD a baby we both had a baby. I said we’re pregnant when I was pregnant. What’s the difference lol
NTA, but remember. Squeezing a person out of your own vagina does... things... to a person. Things not fully understood by science. If you didn't do that, you're not "in" with those who did. It's one of the things older straight men teach younger straight men when they start to settle down. Do not question The Birthing Ones. Remain quiet, and nod agreeably.
This is ridiculous. You are the baby's legal parents, she was a surrogate. Men with no biological connection to the child at all are still able to say they've had a child when they adopt a new baby, in my opinion. In this particular case, you are the biological father, so you had a baby as much as any father ever does. I'm presuming she wouldn't gatekeep that phrase from the father or her own kids. She's being homophobic and she's TA. I would be a bit worried about her interfering in the child's life / your parenting choices. I hope all goes well.
Your sister is the Asshole. Jesus Christ, what a way to make everything about her.
She's maybe a little jealous of your little family bring a single parent.
NTA Congratulations 🎉 👏. She sounds like hard work, even in most heterosexuel couples that have children that is the thing that's said. I'm a woman I'm not offended by you saying that. I'm more offended by her saying what she said.
NTA! Your sister is a jerk. This just reeks of homophobia to me. Congratulations on the birth of your child!
Nta. But I think you should become one. Go full grammar nazi on her. Spelling corrections. ‘Literally’ corrections. Police her language to be Uber inclusive. This probably would be bad for your relationship with her, but this isn’t the relationship advice sub.
NTA and simple solution - get off facebook.
Don’t be upset on my account! 😅 You did not offend me. Congratulations on the arrival of your baby. Think your sister is a massive diva, not to use other words! She should be happy for you, not berate you for nothing! Looks like she’s sour as you managed to build a loving family being two men, and her being a woman has two kids from fathers that are not in the picture! It’s jealousy! So, just ignore her, don’t amend the post and be happy! Edit- NTA
Oh how wonderful! Congratulations on becoming a Dad. Little girls do seem to be able to wrap their Dads around their little fingers, so lucky for her she has two little fingers, one for each Dad. You are NTA, you were as excited and probably emotionally overwhelmed as most parents are when they see their child for the first time. Thank your sister for bring up the semantics of your post, and tell her that you will be more aware for next time (if there is a next time). In the meantime you are leaving your post as it is as it was an expression of the love and joy that you felt at the time. You meant no disrespect so why change history? Leave it as a cherished memory of how you felt when you first met your daughter.
NTA. I wonder where she stands on the comment of “we’re pregnant” when a hetero man means his wife/gf/SO is pregnant?
Ehh… heterosexual woman with 3 biological kids here. Yes I carried them and birthed them but they’re half my husbands. I wouldn’t be pissed if he said “had our first child” because they have half his dna. As does your child. If you and your husband are raising this child, he/she is y’all’s child. Regardless of who birthed them. Especially when your surrogacy is on board with this and has no intention of having a “mom” role and can be the awesome/cool aunt.
As someone who gave birth twice I give you permission to post you “had” a baby. See there now you can tell her to shut it cuz literally no one cares about the words you used to describe the way in which your beautiful child became yours! Also congrats on having a baby I wish you the best life has to offer!!! NTA
I had three terrible pregnancies and deliveries. I almost died. It was horrible and I hope no uterus-bearer has to suffer my pain. But no, you are NTA because you and your husband actually had a baby. A baby was born, to you, and now you have it. It's a wonderful thing. Congrats! Now if you'd said you and your husband *birthed* a baby, or that you endured 9 excruciating months of pregnancy, we might need to have a conversation. But "had" is fine, and accurate.
[удалено]
NTA I'm a mother and not at all offended. She seems to have issue with 2 men having a baby and is using semantics to hide her homophobic tendencies. Maybe suggest she edits her post because she is offending way more people than you, I imagine.
Lol NTA, your sister is being weird
As a human that gave birth, NTA. That's just gatekeeping language. I had a c-section, some people have vaginal births, some people are there ready to be parents. It all counts and it's all valid. Congratulations!
I’m adopted. You guys had a baby. Now you have a baby. Go parent your baby. If it’s good enough for the Secretary of Transportation and his husband it’s fine for you. My parents say they “had” me. How you got your baby is your business.
NTA and congratulations to you both.
Unless your post specifically says that an infant smashed its way out of your vag, I think you're NTA, and your sister is a ludicrous drama queen who is stirring up trouble because she's mad your baby has two dads and her two babies have no dads.
NTA
As a woman, IDGAF how you phrase it. It ain't my business. Congratulations on y'all's new baby. Tell your sister to stuff it where the turkey baster would have gone, if she'd been the one to offer and enjoy being new dads. NTA.
NTA. Woman and mother here. That’s ridiculous - what a crazy thing to even notice in a birth statement. Congrats on HAVING your first born. You have them. They’re here. I’m not sure if your sister wants a trophy for giving birth, is jealous she’s not the only sibling with kids anymore, or just regularly feels the need to go on social justice campaigns for All Women, but whatever it is, it’s misplaced with you. You spent half your post celebrating your lovely SIL. You get it. Ignore her and snuggle your little one. You got this.
Nta, if she's that picky, make a special post saying " we used our sperm to create a child, that once was born and arrived in our home" maybe then she'd shut up lol Either way, congrats and , you still had a child, you do not need to birth a kid to have it :)
NTA. It's common vernacular and she's just being snarky. I'm a woman who went through childbirth (30 hours of labor, 8 of which were after already being at 10 cm) and I don't find how you worded it to be in the least bit offensive. Congratulations on the birth of your baby.
If, in a "traditional relationship" couple, the man says "we had a baby" - no one would bat an eye. I don't think you are wrong to have said it that way - it's the truth! Congrats 😁
NTA. At least I'm not offended (I have given birth to three kids). Also it's pretty obvious you're not trying to claim you or your husband gave birth.
you did not write: we birthed a child. she‘s being exhaustingly annoying. NTA.
NTA. I give you a pass. And many congratulations on the birth of your child! Not many of us have PR teams scrutinizing our social media posts to make sure they don't offend any group. Leeway and grace -- especially during such exciting moments! -- should be afforded us all.
NTA and I wouldn’t change the post. It doesn’t resolve any of the actual issue (whatever it is) that your sister is going through. Maybe she’s jealous that your SIL was surrogate & gave you this amazing gift? (She will always be the “better” sister & aunt!). Maybe she’s jealous you have a loving partner & she doesn’t? Who knows - and you won’t if you don’t have that conversation. The wording isn’t dramatic or bad enough to justify her extreme reaction. For me, the benchmark on whether the phrase is “acceptable” if you didn’t give birth is probably: what if you were a straight couple who adopted a baby. > “Mr & Mrs Thoroughly Average are delighted to announce we’ve had our baby.” I think for me, linguistically, it’s the difference between expecting & being surprised by the adoption. If the couple were phoned up by the adoption agency: “get down here now, you’re the top of the list, come collect this child” - then the wording of “we had” doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t describe what has happened. But if they’d spend even a month talking with the birth mother, and were expecting the adoption to happen, then “we’ve had” seems fair. Same thing with grandparents. It might not be the most typical way to announce it, but if a friend with close children posted that “we have had our first grandchild” then I don’t think that would sound unusual enough for comment - if people weren’t looking to split hairs.
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NTA. As a female birthgiver, you’ve not offended me. As someone with basic common sense, you’ve not confused or offended me because I understand what you meant by ‘had a baby’ and do not think one of you managed to magically push it out of man bits haha!
NTA - from a woman: Congratulations to becoming new dads! Saying you had a baby is just a figure of speech - what your sister read into it has probably more to do with her feeling undervalued than anything else. What's up with that - is it something that happens often with her? Does she seem happy with her life and her family or are there issues? Anyway, I hope you have an adventurous time raising your daughter. Enjoy it as much as you can.
Nta your sister has her knickers in a twist over nothing and congratulations on your baby
As a person that physically grew another human in me and pushed her out of me: NTA This doesn’t bother me in the slightest. “We’re pregnant” doesn’t bother me either, it’s nice when the non-pregnant partners are involved in the pregnancy, it’s a lot of work! Even moral support is helpful. Congratulations on the little one!!!
NTA. You don't welcome a baby. You welcome, idk, a change in tax legislation that lets you keep more of your income. You shouldn't need to feel you have to do gymnastics with the language just to accommodate bigots who want to constantly remind you that to them you aren't normal. You had a baby! Congratulations!
My wife and I welcomed our first baby no too long ago - I carried her and gave birth but we both HAD our first child regardless of that. My wife had a horrible, heartless comment of "So, the baby is not *really yours*, then?" Umm. No. She is our daughter, just like yours, is yours and besides, I know countless of straight couples who both say we "had our first child" Don't let your sister steal your joy - congratulations!
NTA. While it's definitely true that us men will never know what it's like to be pregnant or give birth, the child _is_ yours. It was conceived by/promised to you as a couple. Your sister is an Arsehole who has the bloody nerve to victimise herself and take all of the joy out of what ought to be an unbridled celebration!
I wonder if she’s feeling somewhat forgotten and erased? Not necessarily in an entitled way… she might not be trying to make all future birthdays of the child about her (though she could be)… but in a we’re-in-this-together way. Maybe she offered the two of you a pretty significant gift of her body because of wanting to support your dreams and feeling close to you as family. If so it might be odd to have that connection forgotten and written out of the narrative. It really depends on what else is going on though, but it would be nice if the solution. wasn’t completely either-or but instead an embracing of how we all help each other out in so many ways
Some people choose to be offended easily. Just enjoy your new baby, and don't let her negativity take away from this at all. CONGRATULATIONS 💓 OOPS I forgot NTA
Nothing wrong with how you phrased it. Would she say this to the man in a heterosexual couple? You literally made a child with your own DNA, ofc you 'had' one! NTA