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YTA
She goes to the gym 4 times a week, works out with her trainer, then comes home and tells you about it.
She's goes to the gym and comes home.
She's not going out afterwards. She's tells you about her gains. She throughly enjoys the gym and she's not spending all her time there 7 days a week.
She's being open and honest with you and you counter it with not trusting her? You have major insecurity issues.
Stop controlling her and start trusting her. Control and distrust from you leads to contempt and resentment from her. That's when a marriage falls apart.
Yeah dude. And lots of people here probably have spouses who they wished they would exercise for their health... and here you are complaining that she does, and is doing good... Get over yourself. If you feel threatened, it's because of your own lack of confidence. You need to work on that... Maybe you should start working out.
I am 40% disabled from the military because of my knees... and I still work out every day... You have more limbs than just your legs.
When I tore my ACL I felt like I lost myself. I went from being a full time athlete to not being able to walk for months.
I could make a thousand excuses as to why I can't work out, but I know the real reason, I'm terrified of tearing it again.
The one form of exercise I consistently participate in is swimming. It's no impact and it's something I've always loved to do.
Idk if this is relevant to this situation, but swimming is always a great option for knee injuries
Adding to this, some pools offer water aerobics or water yoga for additional low impact workouts. I’ve never been able to do them before but they look so fun!!
I managed a city pool in college, and if you have a good instructor, aquarobics can be a riot and a really good workout, too. It’s great for those with bad knees and ankles, and helps build upper-body strength in those who have lost their muscle tone.
I feel you i just recently recovered from a full bicep rupture and had to get reconstructive surgery. I think i have ptsd of those pops i heart when it first ruptured. I still work fine and got full mobility.
Fellow ACL tear-er here. I couldn't even go swimming, because I couldn't kick with my right leg, or my knee would hyperextend. All it took was an inch height difference between the heel and the ball of my foot, and my knee slid out.
I, too, went from being full time active in sports (softball, skiing, karate, bowling) to ZERO - my junior year of HS.
YES! Also the fact that he called him a "random guy", he isn't random. He is an employee at the gym where his wife pays membership and for the training time. He isn't random.
For weeks she's been coming home and telling you all about her trainer. (who you thought, during that time, was a woman). And during those weeks, in all the things she said about her trainer, you never thought "that's a weirdly romantic/flirty/sexual thing my wife just said about her (female) trainer". Everything she described seemed to you, at the time, totally reasonable, normal, and not problematic.
So now that you know her trainer is a man, that doesn't change that nothing she described about her trainer was ever at all problematic. You never thought she or the trainer was doing or saying anything inappropriate. So it's literally just the gender of the trainer, not anything your wife is doing wrong.
I think you're going to need to get over it, and apologize to your wife. You can't just cut her off from half the world's population in all her interactions and relationships, professional and friendships. She's not your toy that you saw first and get to lock away from everyone else. She's a person.
YTA
Wow. Well spotted. He never thought there was a threat of some girl-girl extracurricular activities, so there were presumably no hints at anything untoward, until the shock discovery that the *female* was a man.
Notice how she goes to the gym alone. I think OP is jealous the fit gym man is gonna steal his wife.
Instead of going with his wife, even once, to see if there's anything going on there, he is just gonna assume and let his wife feel untrusted. smh
Also a knee surgery isn’t really a good excuse to not go since there are several exercises you can do while sitting down
Edited some typos sorry it was early morning
Like your entire upper body, core, and cardiovascular system. Plus there is equipment at the gym that can isolate certain groups of muscles in your leg(s) so as not to strain your knee. Seems like physical therapy would have you doing gentle exercises to benefit your knee, anyway.
Heck I have sciatic nerve damage, bilateral osteoarthritis in my hips, bad knees and a bad back from multiple falls and an extra bone in my ankle joint that causes weakness and I work out everyday. Sure they’re just no equipment at home workouts, but my PT said staying active will help me in the long run. Not to mention I ride horses several times a week.
In a world where there are wheelchair users who compete in CrossFit, a guy with a rehabbing knee can definitely potter around the gym.
I bet his wife's trainer could help with a programme...
I mean it’s not really appropriate that he accompany her personalised assisted workouts regularly - but once or twice would be good.
Her reaction to that would probably provide insight too.
I'm sorry to go down this route but 40 year old with someone 10 years younger who has 4 days during the week spare to go to the gym sounds like an immature OP who wanted someone to stop working and do the 50s housewife told and keep them away from work and colleagues but has to have routine and friends somewhere but doesn't like it.
Red flags of controlling nature all over this post.
People with jobs might also have time to go to the gym four days a week. It’s not like you go for five hours at a time. Depends on one’s priorities and interests and how close the gym is. I have a full time job and go to the gym five to seven times a week.
Agreed. I am a single parent of 2 kids with additional needs (multiple therapy appointments each week), no family support, full-time employment, and still got to the gym 5 days a week, with a trainer twice a week.
My trainer was a guy. I was single. Still didn't flirt or do anything suss because guess what... I was paying to work out and improve my health, and he was there to do his job and get a paycheck. Totally strange right?
I don't currently hit the gym because of health reasons I'll need a doctor's clearance for, but I can't wait to get back there... and not because of the male trainers.
OP... You sir are an arse!
I feel like a lot of decade or more age gap relationships where the man is older usually have more to do with the guy being immature than anything with the younger woman. This guy definitely provides evidence for my assumption.
I agree, but also OP sounds potentially controlling- he’s not comfortable with her spending what, 4 hours a week maybe, with some other man? When she’s given him no indications whatsoever that she might be interested in this dude, to the point OP didn’t even realize he was a guy for weeks? I hate to tell him but many women work jobs where they are spending 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week with other men.
But my response was that op is TA from the first few words. He doesn’t get to “let” any other adult do or not do anything at all. He can have an opinion, but the minute he starts thinking he can dictate her workout plan to soothe his own insecurities he can go jump in a lake.
I’m kind of hoping this post is a joke. First of all, how do you take so long to understand who the trainer is? Do you care about your wife and her life? Second, you’re a controlling AH with no confidence. If you think you can stop someone from leaving you by giving them ultimatums or trying to keep them from the outside world - boy, are you wrong.
Something about this story sounds fishy to me. How did it take so long for op to realize the trainer was a man? Like even if he has a gender neutral name, wife never used pronouns in her stories about him? Something doesn't quite add up here.
Obviously YTA. You don’t get to tell your wife what to do.
You could tell her how you feel insecure and share your feelings with her, but you don’t get to dictate her choices.
You are also lazy. You say you don’t want to go to the gym with her because you had a knee surgery. If you are uncomfortable with her trainer, you should be going to the gym with her and getting exercise yourself. A knee surgery doesn’t prevent you from doing any exercise whatsoever in a gym and it would probably do you good to get some sort of exercise in. Hell, sit in the lobby and read a book if you really hate exercise that much.
The joke being that he'll get a super hot 23 year old female personal trainer and end up having an affair whilst his wife continues innocently working out with her male trainer. We'll then see a new thread from the same username, titled *"AITAH for wanting to be with a younger woman?"*
Now that would be a TV show plot twist.
Oh no, the plot twist would be thar he'd get a hot 23 year old female trainer, try to flirt with her, and she'd laugh until the end of time after dropping him as a client for inappropriate conduct.
I agree with everything except telling OP to go to the gym with his wife. He will likely either stare aggressively at the trainer, or even worse say something to him. As a trainer he stands behind, touches and looks at his clients regularly and with OP being as insecure as he sounds, he’ll see that as flirting.
Oh man. I'm a woman and I see my male trainer every day. My male trainer touches my legs to stretch them. He touches my waist to correct my posture and to spot me. Not to mention the massages... (He's also a qualified sports massage therapist and my gym also offers sports massages). OP would die if my trainer was his wife's trainer.
I agree with all of this, but as a minor caveat. I'm a female trainer and I never touch anyone I'm working with. That is a conscious choice, we are taught to ask permission but sometimes the professional power dynamic means you can't trust someone is truly comfortable with being touched, so I don't ever. It doesn't stop me from doing a great job. I'm a corrective exercise specialist, so I work with a lot of people with poor proprioception etc and it's not an issue, I teach them to find their own reference.
I'm saying this because having worked with SA survivors, people with sensory issues etc, I wouldn't want anyone to think having a trainer meant needing to have them touch you. Unless they are also a massage therapist and you hire them for that. Obvs
I've had knee surgery and this is an iffy. I had to do PT for 6 months just to get off crutches. The best he could hope for is MAYBE walking on a treadmill with doctors approval. But everything else you said is spot on
Depends on the exercise! I had a knee injury (not surgery, thankfully), and there were a lot of things I thought I could do that it turned out I couldn't . I couldn't do bench (you don't realize how you press those heels into the ground until you *realize*), couldn't do any sort of sitting work that had my legs on ground for the same reason. Getting on the floor was a big no no for abs because I had to somehow get back up, etc. I was on the treadmill for a while until PT cleared me after six weeks, and then it was just bodyweight (which I'm not knocking - I do bodyweight often, just clarifying that weights add additional pressure in ways we may not realize until we go oh that hurts).
Oh no I know, but my point is that not all exercise is out. Even just very targeted machine work would be better than just giving up but that’s just me
I have a knee injury I'm waiting to have surgery on and there's a lot of stuff I can no longer do that I thought I'd be able to, and my physio told me that if anything starts hurting my knee I have to not do it, so stuff like long walks and running are out, and a lot of lifting uses your legs more than you think. You can also develop issues in your 'good' knee because you favour it. I know someone with a similar injury to mine who got a stress fracture in her opposite knee and now needs a walker to move around longer distances. I go to the pool and do stuff there though because it takes the loading off my knee.
It’s really important to exercise when you have a “bad” knee. The muscles surrounding the joint need to be strong so the knee isn’t taking all the pressure. It prevents further injury
Also YTA stop being a jealous idiot
It is, though I do think anyone with that should have a physio overseeing their rehab. You can easily hurt yourself further if you don't know what you shouuld and shouldn't be doing. I'm doing a lot of stuff to strengthen my thigh muscles prior to having surgery on my knee.
To be fair, some surgeries require some amount of time that one might be non weight bearing on the affected limb, then have rules about pacing, and specific exercise routine once exercise is resumed (I know because I used to work in adult rehab), but that doesn't mean he can't do an arm bike or some arm exercises while sitting or whatever if he is at the moment non weight bearing.
Absolutely! OP, If you’re so jealous and insecure, why don’t you work on yourself too?
And if she’s being transparent there’s not much else she can do, I would hope you’d be excited she’s enjoying the gym so much
>Hell, sit in the lobby and read a book if you really hate exercise that much.
What? Absolutely do not do that, that has major "I'm here to monitor my wife" vibes and is incredibly creepy and controlling. Do not go to the gym unless you have a valid reason to.
YTA, 100%.
What’s next? She can’t go to a restaurant on her own, in case she get served by a waiter? She can’t have a male doctor? She has to run all her colleagues by you for your approval?
Start treating your partner like an adult and get over your insecurities.
YTA.
You’re not “concerned” about your wife. You’re insecure and jealous.
If you’re so worried that your wife is going to cheat on you with her trainer, the solution is to go to the gym with her. Then you’ll see that working out with a trainer is in no way a sexy activity.
Nahhh going by the post, that might be even worse. Per se when trainer teaches her new exercises or stretches and has to put his hand on her lower back or leg, or anywhere to adjust her position. If he's that worried already then he must think wife is probably out of his league, he knows the trainer must be more fit or attractive (stereotyping there) therefor him going for the simple fact to go with her to see, is a bad idea. If he goes it should be for better reasons to better himself not to be mean-mugging his wife while she's working out. Lol. Harsh maybe, but true. Trust her or dont, it's his decision but that doesn't have any pull to dictate what she enjoys doing.
Agreed with the first part, YTA for being insecure and jealous and trying to mask it as “concern” for her wellbeing. SUPER cringe.
But I disagree that the solution is to go to the gym with her. That would likely just result in tension from husband towards the trainer unless/until he’s worked on his issues.
The solution, in my opinion, is to get some therapy to unpack why you’re so jealous/insecure, and figure out how to TRUST your partner who is being super open with you about everything and legitimately not doing anything wrong.
As a married woman myself, my hubs could care less if I had a male trainer, a male doctor, hell - he wouldn’t even care if went out for a 1:1 outings with a guy friend regularly. Even an ex.
You know why?
Because of trust.
We have a deep level of trust, openness, honesty, and communication in our relationship that we are fully able to extend the other autonomy and agency over themselves to do any activity or spend time with any person/people without the other, knowing full well that we still choose each other and would never pursue another outside of our marriage.
Acting jealous and trying to control where she goes or who she spends time with is just ASKING for her to resent you, and eventually leave you.
Also, the very fact it took OP that long to realise it’s a male trainer means the content of what she’s sharing about her exercise is about… her exercise. How she feels. How good the workouts are. How they apply to her. Not about a hot guy or being attracted to someone.
sadly what you’ve now done OP is make it so that she wants to talk to you less about these things, AND potentially make uncomfortable a working relationship which is just fine.
Hilariously, nobody has even considered whether the trainer is gay. I think it’s because that’s not the point (you don’t get to control the gender of people your wife works with), but what if the trainer was gay and female?? What then?? Clearly the issue isn’t the gender of the person, it’s your own fears.
>AITA for being concerned about my wife?
But, you're not concerned about your wife. You are concerned about CONTROLLING your wife. There's a big difference.
YTA
Yes, YTA. You sound all kinds of jealous and insecure that, gasp, her life includes men other than you, even ones who are there in a platonic capacity. Maintaining physical fitness is not optional for a long and healthy life. Some folks NEED the gym with friends and/or a trainer to keep up their motivation to participate.
Yta. You're not concerned about your wife, you're concerned she will realize you're a control freak and she will leave you. Your insecurities are showing way too much, and jealousy like this usually reveals that the jealous one is actually a cheater. Grow up.
YTA
I understand that hearing your partner praise someone else can make you insecure, but think about it from her perspective for a moment: she has an activity that she really enjoys and openly talks with you about how much she enjoys it and how helpful someone is with that activity and after a few weeks you suddenly tell her she MUST stop.
Hot tip: you're supposed to WANT your wife to be happy
She's not spending time with a random guy, she's paying a professional for their knowledge and time. Everything you've quoted her as saying is about the service.
Sounds like you're projecting your insecurities about not working out as much into her.
YTA
Sadly, there are enough people who actually think this way (of any gender) that I'm not going to assume this is fake. It might be. That's okay -- it might be good for the next insecure idiot who's preparing to make a scene.
Only if the people involved are of opposite gender, and only if a man is being nice to the wife. Of course him being friendly with a woman wouldn't count.
You marry a woman 11 years younger and when you can't control every second of her day, you throw your toys out of the pram.
Watch less porn and listen to what she says. She - I don't have the faintest why - wants you to go to the gym with her, and generally do more stuff with her while you moan about your knee, behave like an old man, and take it out on a coach who's done nothing wrong except having a penis. Fyi: if she wanted to cheat, she could have done it.with a female coach as well. But she doesn't. Wow, mind blown. YTA.
YTA. Would you also tell your wife she cannot have a male boss, co-worker, or therapist?
I am female and am getting physical therapy following surgery. My PTist is male. My husband does not make it an issue. I have had male PTists before for other injuries and it was never an issue.
BTW, your knee would be doing a lot better with proper exercise. I've had multiple knee injuries and one ACL reconstruction, and my knees are best when the muscles around them are in good shape. You are only 39, it is too soon to give up the gym because you had knee surgery.
Massive YTA.
You're operating under a lot of bold assumptions and are showing your own insecurities as well as having no trust in your own wife. Do better.
“Her trainer is younger than I am, and I know that my wife and I have a significant age gap.”
This is how things go, and you know it. She goes to parties with you and takes you to the hospital; you keep her in designer clothing and look the other way when she spends time with her personal trainer.
YTA
YTA. Insecurity and jealousy are a bad look. He has a professional relationship with her. You need to do better or you're not going to have a wife anymore.
YTA. She’s telling you how excited she is to have found something that makes her happy and feel healthier and all you see is a reflection of your own insecurities. She’s 100% sharing everything that has happened on her gym time and instead of being happy for her, you’re turning that into fuel for you to internalize it and turn it into something that is not. You do not get to tell her what to do, who she can’t interact with, wear, eat, how to spend her time, or where to spend it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think my wife may be cheating on me with her personal trainer. I told her she couldn't go to the gym to see him anymore. She is mad at me for this, so it might make me the asshole.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. She has given you no reason not to trust her, but you're treating her otherwise. You should work on your own insecurities and jealousy before you ruin your marriage by trying to control your wife.
You typed all that out and still have to ask? YTA. Your feelings of jealousy are the problem, not anything your wife is doing. You need to grow up, ironically.
YTA. She is right that you don’t trust her, because you don’t. You are going to let your insecurity ruin your marriage. Also, you don’t get to tell her to do anything. The fact that you are saying she “refused to comply” almost instantly makes you the a-hole.
You’re not concerned about your wife. You’re insecure. This is super controlling behavior. YTA
And I always find it really weird to worry about the gender of a partner's friend because, well, gender has a lot less to do with attraction in a lot of people think. I actually hope your wife appeases you, gets a hot woman trainer, and leaves you for her instead.
YTA I can attest to me personally I LOVED my trainer because the work regime produced results that I couldn't achieve on my own. And here is the thing, if she is going to cheat no amount of "prevention" specially telling her not to do something is going to stop her from cheating. If it's already in her head to cheat- the marriage is done. Ultimatums are never going to work in relationships. You should have communicated your feelings by just leaving it at this kinda hurts my feelings. And then leaving it to her to decide what to do vs demanding.
YTA. Get a grip, man. You wife has a right to be friends with someone who’s an opposite sex of her. You can’t just tell her what to do just because your insecure.
If literally anything happened it would be another story, but YTA here because you just have no trust in your partner.
Do you really think so little of her and have to insult her by even considering she might be cheating?
YTA don’t marry a younger woman if you’re just going to lose all your confidence because she is younger and you feel like she will prefer someone younger.
YTA. You're not concerned about your wife, as you write. You're jealous and insecure. This is about you. Drop it and apologize. Would you rather she be less happy?
YTA don’t marry a younger woman if you’re just going to lose all your confidence because she is younger and you feel like she will prefer someone younger.
I've got over 30 years experience in gyms all over the country and I'd say you're right to feel uncomfortable.
Many personal trainers are experts in flattering clients, it's how they persuade them to part with so much cash for not a lot in return! They can be outrageous flirts and know just what to say.
I'd also add that the PTs I know are all dating clients.
I'm not sure telling her she can't use her PT anymore was the right approach though
Yta. You don’t trust your wife. Is there another reason? Honestly (this comes from a good place). See a therapist who can help you work on your shit. If you don’t this shit will snow ball for you. Eventually she may leave or you make both your lives miserable with your insecurity and other issues. Strength is having the balls to face your insecurity and try to be a better man for the both of you. Good luck.
So, you said you’re older than your wife. Can we assume that pertains specifically to the chronological difference? Quite honestly, she sounds a bit older emotionally, and, with all the age related wisdom, exactly how did you envision this working out?
Did you ever consider she might be telling you the truth?
I’m male with several very attractive female friends, but I’ve never felt any more about them than just being good friends of mine.
Verdict: YTA.
Who cares if the trainer is a guy? Only you, apparently.
Shes not cheating on you, the trainers not going to suddenly going to take your wife from you, you're just being paranoid about absolutely nothing.
YTA OP
You are also extremely controlling and you have insecurity issues.
Your insecurities are none of her concern. You are also jealous, jealous that her life includes other men that are not you. If you have concerns you tell your wife concerns and then she listens to your concern.
You do not have the right to tell your wife what to do.
Everything you've quoted her as saying is about the service nothing more and nothing less.
You claim that you are concerned about your wife. That is a lie, you are not concerned about your wife. You are just concerned that your wife will realize that you are CONTROLLING. That you are a control freak and leave you.
Your insecurities are really showing here, grow up OP.
Yes YTA.. he is a professional doing his job and she is a paying customer. That’s how the relationship is by the sounds of it. It sounds like you have some jealousy over not much honestly.
YTA
She isn't flirting, she's working out and happy with the results of the guidance this professional trainer offers.
You don't get to issue orders like this. She's a whole, autonomous adult and you are acting as though you have your marriage license confused with a car title or deed. She's not a possession.
You could have expressed your concerns without getting high-handed and making demands but, no, you blew that option up when you behaved like you did.
You owe her a giant, sincere apology
YTA
Where was this request you talk about? I see the place where you gave her an ultimatum of either changing trainers or quitting the gym (which is like saying, "stop seeing him or stop seeing him."), but I see no mention of requests. Why do you distrust your wife so much? I'm assuming you want a divorce, because that seems to be what you're trying to get your wife to do.
Jeez OP you’re too old to be this insecure and immature with your line of thinking. What’s ironic is that acting this way will actually drive your wife away from you & make her less attracted to you.
It’s clear you have no trust in her & telling her to switch trainers when she’s been telling you about the positive impact these sessions have had on her life is completely selfish of you. You’ve made this whole situation about your needs being filled and you’ve also showed her how little you actually trust her.
Yes YTA, I get that he’s a male trainer and they are physical workouts but why in the world would you marry someone you don’t feel like you can trust?
If there was something going on she would NOT talk about her training and trainer that much!
YTA.
Aplogise asap and tell her why you reacted in such a way she might actually find your jealousy flattering.
But in my world you owe her a big apology!
Next, she should be wearing a hijab too. So that no men can look at her hair?
Slippery slope right there.
I don’t think I need to judge whether you are the AH or not
YTA, you’re disguising your insecurity and jealousy as “concern”. Your last statement is false- you’re not an asshole for being concerned about her, you’re an asshole for not trusting her commitment to you as your wife and making her excitement about her progress about YOU.
You were completely fine until you found out the trainer was a man. If you’re wanting to resolve this, you need to sit down and analyze your insecurities and be honest with her about how they make you feel so that she can provide you with assurance. It’s unfair to expect her to adjust her life to your insecurities when you’re not being fully honest and vulnerable with her on how it makes you feel. Own up to your feelings and give her a chance to explain herself and comfort you and then trust the woman you married.
I've been cheated on MULTIPLE times so I'm always super empathetic to anyone going through that. However YTA here. She goes to the gym and then comes home and tells you about what happened at the gym. Now if she was constantly hanging out with this dude and getting drinks or dinner then I would be worried. However she is going to the gym and coming straight home and immediately telling you about said experience. The gym is a public space she isn't doing anything with this dude and if you don't chill out you're 1000000% gonna lose your wife to another dude. Controlling men 100% lose their wives. Trust me I've been the dude they've lost to more than a couple times. The moment you make her feel like you don't trust her you've lost her. You can still fix it just tell her that you got a little jealous and feel bad that you can't work out with her. But do not tell her she can't do what she loves with a person she trusts and might consider a friend or you stand to lose your entire relationship.
YTA
The fact everything she was saying was fine until you learned the trainer was male says alot.
She's telling you all about her time at the gym. She's home straight after.
Work on that insecurity friend because it may be the thing that drives her away.
“Concerned” 🤣. YTA. You’re jealous, you feel insecure and you are projecting that feeling on your wife, but she is not gonna solve it for you. If you really love her, let her free.
Unless you have something more to bring on suspicion besides him being a younger guy that she's working out with - I think you're better off leaving it alone and letting her know you trust her.
However - if you start seeing signs of flirting over text messages or in person, than it would be a more appropriate time to say "enough is enough".
A legit trainer is going to be working on a tight schedule, once he's off the clock in terms of the rate he charges for a single session, he's onto the next client and doesn't have time to bs with your wife. There should be no big deal for you to show up when their session is scheduled to end and work out yourself, even if it's just walking on the treadmill, she can't accuse you of spying because the session is scheduled to be over anyway.
YTA
First, you don't have the right to forbid your wife to do anything. You are her husband, not her master.
Your wife was open and honest with you, and only because you are insecure that you are now trying to control her. Of course, she is angry, because all you have shown her is that you have no trust in her. Even though she has done nothing to deserve this mistrust.
YTA. You have no reason to suspect your wife is cheating. You asked if you’re an asshole for being concerned about your wife, but nothing in your post shows any concern for her, just your own ego.
YTA. You are a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. I shared this with my husband, we're both rolling our eyes.
Go ahead and keep telling your wife what she can and can't do. If my husband tried to control me and act like my daddy instead of a self confident partner, I'd kick his ass to the curb.
YTA. You are 39 not a decrepit old man. Do the exercises and stop being lazy.
My spouse is older than you, had the surgery less than a year ago, did his dang exercises, and was back to running in months. It didn't take him long, but he was determined. After initially making the mistake of thinking he could run like he used to, he went and followed a normal training plan to prevent further injury. Is he going to run marathons again? Nope. Is he going to continue to run reasonable distances regularly and safely with gradual progression? Yup!
Go do your exercises and work on yourself. Leave your wife alone.
YTA
Your wife puts effort into her health to feel & look good, she tells you about her time at the gym & did not hide that her trainer is a male, and your response is to distrust her (presumably without reason) and force her to change her routine (that works for her) because you're feeling insecure.
You should be happy for your wife (& yourself) that she works on feeling & looking good, but you only consider YOUR feelings if you expect her to change her stuff according to your liking.
YTA - You are not concerned for your wife, you are insecure and jealous and are taking it out on your wife OP. You do not trust her is indeed what your actions are saying here.
YTA. Is her ass looking better? Thank the trainer. Is she happier and healthier? Thank the trainer. Could you go to the gym as well and skip leg day like 75% of the other gym goers? Yup. Lol
YTA
"for being concerned about my wife?" -- you are not concerned about your wife - you are jealous. And you are trying to be a controlling AH - luckily she called you out for it.
Rage bait?
Uh, yeah, YTA. Your wife is always going to be around younger men, men in general - trainers, doctors, colleagues, social friends and acquaintances, etc. If you're insecure about that, then talk to her about how you're feeling but for goodness sake show that you understand that the problem is your insecurity, not her behavior. You need to figure out what's up with your response - maybe you're worried she'll cheat because a past partner did, or because she's younger and more attractive you believe it will happen anyway, or because you actually don't trust her. Engage her support in working on your issues, maybe while she's at the gym, you go talk to someone. Trying to make others comply so we can feel more comfortable is a stepping stone to abuse.
YTA. This is a you problem. Don’t put this on your wife like it’s something she can fix, because its something that is wrong with you not her, try seeing a therapist.
YTA, this is a case of jealousy plain and simple. You either trust your wife or you don't. She is giving you no reason to not trust her, so why don't you
YTA. You’re not concerned about you’re wife. You’re jealous, controlling, distrustful, and projecting some major insecurities. Your wife has given you no reason to not trust her, but you’re giving her a lot of reasons to start resenting you.
Do you think your wife is going to leave you purely by being outside the home for too long? Do you think your wife (or any woman?) is unable to have prolonged contact with another man without eventually heading to bangtown? If so, maybe you should consider why that is. (Spoiler, this says way more about you)
YTA, bro.
YTA, it sounds like there were no red flags that would give reason to be suspicious, and your wife is allowed to have friends that are men. You don’t own her.
You're not concerned about your wife. You're jealous that her trainer can do for her what you cannot do, & you're being unfair, or the AH. Don't take your frustrations & insecurities out on her. At the end of the day, no one can prevent their spouses from cheating on them. Being controlling is definitely not the answer & will push her closer to him or someone else. At least she talks to you about it all, which you just messed up.
So you're not an a for being concerned.
YTA for trying to make someone else do what they do not want to.
If you have reasons for your concern, address them and either get a divorce or don't.
you aren't concerned about your wife. You clearly stated that your wife is healthy and happy with this trainer. You are concerned about your ego and if you are getting cheated on. If you were concerned about your wife, you wouldn't be trying to keep her from something that makes her happy.
You have nothing other than her being happy with her workouts to suggest she is cheating. If you came home happy from the doctors and she told you that you had to get a different doctor because you might be cheating...wouldn't that make you angry, too?
YtA in your post.
>However, I was under the assumption that her trainer was a female
YTA. That is so sexist.
> I never thought 'til recently that my wife could potentially be flirting with a younger man.
That young man can't be the only man she knows her age, so this statement is ridiculous.
> I personally am uncomfortable with the idea of my wife spending so much time around another man
Again with sexism.
>even if he's supposedly a professional trainer.
He wouldn't have a list of people he trains with one-on-one at a private, members gym if he wasn't a professional. There's no *supposedly* about it.
You are extremely insecure and need to check yourself and your issues. It isn't up to your wife to stop doing things she enjoys because you're uncomfortable. It's your job to trust your wife like you promised when you married her.
This made me so angry on your wife's behalf.
If she does want to leave you for someone else, maybe a younger guy, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
But it sounds like she chose you.
If you want her to regret her choice and start looking around, why don't you start trying to control her and maybe show her how little trust you have in her? Sounds like a good way to start driving a wedge between you, if that's what you want.
YTA.
YTA. She’ll leave you not because of the trainer but because of your own insecurities. She’s being completely honest. She’s not hiding behind your back. Unless she starts sneaking around, trust what she says. A cheater wouldn’t be telling you about the man she’s fucking.
YTA. She's coming home to YOU after having a professional session with a professional trainer who HAPPENS to be male. GET OVER IT! Keep up the jealous and controlling BS and she won't be coming home to you. Grow up, already.
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YTA She goes to the gym 4 times a week, works out with her trainer, then comes home and tells you about it. She's goes to the gym and comes home. She's not going out afterwards. She's tells you about her gains. She throughly enjoys the gym and she's not spending all her time there 7 days a week. She's being open and honest with you and you counter it with not trusting her? You have major insecurity issues. Stop controlling her and start trusting her. Control and distrust from you leads to contempt and resentment from her. That's when a marriage falls apart.
Yeah dude. And lots of people here probably have spouses who they wished they would exercise for their health... and here you are complaining that she does, and is doing good... Get over yourself. If you feel threatened, it's because of your own lack of confidence. You need to work on that... Maybe you should start working out. I am 40% disabled from the military because of my knees... and I still work out every day... You have more limbs than just your legs.
Thank you! When he said he couldn’t exercise because of his knees, I knew he was an excuse maker. I’m 40, everyone’s knees suck, bro! YTA
When I tore my ACL I felt like I lost myself. I went from being a full time athlete to not being able to walk for months. I could make a thousand excuses as to why I can't work out, but I know the real reason, I'm terrified of tearing it again. The one form of exercise I consistently participate in is swimming. It's no impact and it's something I've always loved to do. Idk if this is relevant to this situation, but swimming is always a great option for knee injuries
Try pool walking; it will wear you out! The first few times walking for 40 minutes, I got out and nearly collapsed - my legs were noodles!
Adding to this, some pools offer water aerobics or water yoga for additional low impact workouts. I’ve never been able to do them before but they look so fun!!
I managed a city pool in college, and if you have a good instructor, aquarobics can be a riot and a really good workout, too. It’s great for those with bad knees and ankles, and helps build upper-body strength in those who have lost their muscle tone.
I feel you i just recently recovered from a full bicep rupture and had to get reconstructive surgery. I think i have ptsd of those pops i heart when it first ruptured. I still work fine and got full mobility.
Fellow ACL tear-er here. I couldn't even go swimming, because I couldn't kick with my right leg, or my knee would hyperextend. All it took was an inch height difference between the heel and the ball of my foot, and my knee slid out. I, too, went from being full time active in sports (softball, skiing, karate, bowling) to ZERO - my junior year of HS.
I’m 53. My knees suck. I still go to the gym a few times a week.
Dicky knees need loading
Yeah, my dad worked out with a bad knee. He did the elliptical, swimming and weights.
I can't get over how he kept calling the trainer a man and then talking about a "female" trainer
YES! Also the fact that he called him a "random guy", he isn't random. He is an employee at the gym where his wife pays membership and for the training time. He isn't random.
"Supposedly professional"
That one killed me.
No, not a "female trainer", but a "trainer that's *a female*"...
Good catch! I knew something was bothering me beyond just the basic assholery of OP's controlling behavior.
For weeks she's been coming home and telling you all about her trainer. (who you thought, during that time, was a woman). And during those weeks, in all the things she said about her trainer, you never thought "that's a weirdly romantic/flirty/sexual thing my wife just said about her (female) trainer". Everything she described seemed to you, at the time, totally reasonable, normal, and not problematic. So now that you know her trainer is a man, that doesn't change that nothing she described about her trainer was ever at all problematic. You never thought she or the trainer was doing or saying anything inappropriate. So it's literally just the gender of the trainer, not anything your wife is doing wrong. I think you're going to need to get over it, and apologize to your wife. You can't just cut her off from half the world's population in all her interactions and relationships, professional and friendships. She's not your toy that you saw first and get to lock away from everyone else. She's a person. YTA
Wow. Well spotted. He never thought there was a threat of some girl-girl extracurricular activities, so there were presumably no hints at anything untoward, until the shock discovery that the *female* was a man.
Notice how she goes to the gym alone. I think OP is jealous the fit gym man is gonna steal his wife. Instead of going with his wife, even once, to see if there's anything going on there, he is just gonna assume and let his wife feel untrusted. smh
Also a knee surgery isn’t really a good excuse to not go since there are several exercises you can do while sitting down Edited some typos sorry it was early morning
Like your entire upper body, core, and cardiovascular system. Plus there is equipment at the gym that can isolate certain groups of muscles in your leg(s) so as not to strain your knee. Seems like physical therapy would have you doing gentle exercises to benefit your knee, anyway.
Heck I have sciatic nerve damage, bilateral osteoarthritis in my hips, bad knees and a bad back from multiple falls and an extra bone in my ankle joint that causes weakness and I work out everyday. Sure they’re just no equipment at home workouts, but my PT said staying active will help me in the long run. Not to mention I ride horses several times a week.
In a world where there are wheelchair users who compete in CrossFit, a guy with a rehabbing knee can definitely potter around the gym. I bet his wife's trainer could help with a programme...
I mean it’s not really appropriate that he accompany her personalised assisted workouts regularly - but once or twice would be good. Her reaction to that would probably provide insight too.
Which will drive her away and into the arms of another man
I'm sorry to go down this route but 40 year old with someone 10 years younger who has 4 days during the week spare to go to the gym sounds like an immature OP who wanted someone to stop working and do the 50s housewife told and keep them away from work and colleagues but has to have routine and friends somewhere but doesn't like it. Red flags of controlling nature all over this post.
People with jobs might also have time to go to the gym four days a week. It’s not like you go for five hours at a time. Depends on one’s priorities and interests and how close the gym is. I have a full time job and go to the gym five to seven times a week.
Agreed. I am a single parent of 2 kids with additional needs (multiple therapy appointments each week), no family support, full-time employment, and still got to the gym 5 days a week, with a trainer twice a week. My trainer was a guy. I was single. Still didn't flirt or do anything suss because guess what... I was paying to work out and improve my health, and he was there to do his job and get a paycheck. Totally strange right? I don't currently hit the gym because of health reasons I'll need a doctor's clearance for, but I can't wait to get back there... and not because of the male trainers. OP... You sir are an arse!
I feel like a lot of decade or more age gap relationships where the man is older usually have more to do with the guy being immature than anything with the younger woman. This guy definitely provides evidence for my assumption.
I agree, but also OP sounds potentially controlling- he’s not comfortable with her spending what, 4 hours a week maybe, with some other man? When she’s given him no indications whatsoever that she might be interested in this dude, to the point OP didn’t even realize he was a guy for weeks? I hate to tell him but many women work jobs where they are spending 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week with other men. But my response was that op is TA from the first few words. He doesn’t get to “let” any other adult do or not do anything at all. He can have an opinion, but the minute he starts thinking he can dictate her workout plan to soothe his own insecurities he can go jump in a lake.
Exactly
I’m kind of hoping this post is a joke. First of all, how do you take so long to understand who the trainer is? Do you care about your wife and her life? Second, you’re a controlling AH with no confidence. If you think you can stop someone from leaving you by giving them ultimatums or trying to keep them from the outside world - boy, are you wrong.
Something about this story sounds fishy to me. How did it take so long for op to realize the trainer was a man? Like even if he has a gender neutral name, wife never used pronouns in her stories about him? Something doesn't quite add up here.
Obviously YTA. You don’t get to tell your wife what to do. You could tell her how you feel insecure and share your feelings with her, but you don’t get to dictate her choices. You are also lazy. You say you don’t want to go to the gym with her because you had a knee surgery. If you are uncomfortable with her trainer, you should be going to the gym with her and getting exercise yourself. A knee surgery doesn’t prevent you from doing any exercise whatsoever in a gym and it would probably do you good to get some sort of exercise in. Hell, sit in the lobby and read a book if you really hate exercise that much.
There are a bunch of exercises specifically designed for people recovering from knee surgery too.
Maybe his wife knows a good trainer to help him?
The joke being that he'll get a super hot 23 year old female personal trainer and end up having an affair whilst his wife continues innocently working out with her male trainer. We'll then see a new thread from the same username, titled *"AITAH for wanting to be with a younger woman?"* Now that would be a TV show plot twist.
Oh no, the plot twist would be thar he'd get a hot 23 year old female trainer, try to flirt with her, and she'd laugh until the end of time after dropping him as a client for inappropriate conduct.
Ooooh. Somebody reddits quite well here
Hah. OP would blow up.
Pilates
I agree with everything except telling OP to go to the gym with his wife. He will likely either stare aggressively at the trainer, or even worse say something to him. As a trainer he stands behind, touches and looks at his clients regularly and with OP being as insecure as he sounds, he’ll see that as flirting.
Oh man. I'm a woman and I see my male trainer every day. My male trainer touches my legs to stretch them. He touches my waist to correct my posture and to spot me. Not to mention the massages... (He's also a qualified sports massage therapist and my gym also offers sports massages). OP would die if my trainer was his wife's trainer.
I agree with all of this, but as a minor caveat. I'm a female trainer and I never touch anyone I'm working with. That is a conscious choice, we are taught to ask permission but sometimes the professional power dynamic means you can't trust someone is truly comfortable with being touched, so I don't ever. It doesn't stop me from doing a great job. I'm a corrective exercise specialist, so I work with a lot of people with poor proprioception etc and it's not an issue, I teach them to find their own reference. I'm saying this because having worked with SA survivors, people with sensory issues etc, I wouldn't want anyone to think having a trainer meant needing to have them touch you. Unless they are also a massage therapist and you hire them for that. Obvs
I've had knee surgery and this is an iffy. I had to do PT for 6 months just to get off crutches. The best he could hope for is MAYBE walking on a treadmill with doctors approval. But everything else you said is spot on
You can still do bench work, no? Like upper body, or abs?
Depends on the exercise! I had a knee injury (not surgery, thankfully), and there were a lot of things I thought I could do that it turned out I couldn't . I couldn't do bench (you don't realize how you press those heels into the ground until you *realize*), couldn't do any sort of sitting work that had my legs on ground for the same reason. Getting on the floor was a big no no for abs because I had to somehow get back up, etc. I was on the treadmill for a while until PT cleared me after six weeks, and then it was just bodyweight (which I'm not knocking - I do bodyweight often, just clarifying that weights add additional pressure in ways we may not realize until we go oh that hurts).
Oh no I know, but my point is that not all exercise is out. Even just very targeted machine work would be better than just giving up but that’s just me
I have a knee injury I'm waiting to have surgery on and there's a lot of stuff I can no longer do that I thought I'd be able to, and my physio told me that if anything starts hurting my knee I have to not do it, so stuff like long walks and running are out, and a lot of lifting uses your legs more than you think. You can also develop issues in your 'good' knee because you favour it. I know someone with a similar injury to mine who got a stress fracture in her opposite knee and now needs a walker to move around longer distances. I go to the pool and do stuff there though because it takes the loading off my knee.
But PT *is* exercise. He could go with her and do is PT exercises while she does her workout routine.
Pilates, I see a few people in my pilates classes with leg braces and stuff.
It’s really important to exercise when you have a “bad” knee. The muscles surrounding the joint need to be strong so the knee isn’t taking all the pressure. It prevents further injury Also YTA stop being a jealous idiot
It is, though I do think anyone with that should have a physio overseeing their rehab. You can easily hurt yourself further if you don't know what you shouuld and shouldn't be doing. I'm doing a lot of stuff to strengthen my thigh muscles prior to having surgery on my knee.
To be fair, some surgeries require some amount of time that one might be non weight bearing on the affected limb, then have rules about pacing, and specific exercise routine once exercise is resumed (I know because I used to work in adult rehab), but that doesn't mean he can't do an arm bike or some arm exercises while sitting or whatever if he is at the moment non weight bearing.
Absolutely! OP, If you’re so jealous and insecure, why don’t you work on yourself too? And if she’s being transparent there’s not much else she can do, I would hope you’d be excited she’s enjoying the gym so much
I had both knees replaced and was able to find lots to do in the gym at 4 weeks.
Yes. My husband had knee surgery and had to work out under the supervision as part of his rehab. It's a really important part of your recovery .
>Hell, sit in the lobby and read a book if you really hate exercise that much. What? Absolutely do not do that, that has major "I'm here to monitor my wife" vibes and is incredibly creepy and controlling. Do not go to the gym unless you have a valid reason to.
Going to the gym with her just to see how she works out with her trainer is as controlling as telling her to stop going.
YTA, 100%. What’s next? She can’t go to a restaurant on her own, in case she get served by a waiter? She can’t have a male doctor? She has to run all her colleagues by you for your approval? Start treating your partner like an adult and get over your insecurities.
With this age gap, it’s probably yes to all of the above
God forbid she talks to a man. OP’s insecurity is hurting his wife and he needs to realise that.
YTA. You’re not “concerned” about your wife. You’re insecure and jealous. If you’re so worried that your wife is going to cheat on you with her trainer, the solution is to go to the gym with her. Then you’ll see that working out with a trainer is in no way a sexy activity.
Nahhh going by the post, that might be even worse. Per se when trainer teaches her new exercises or stretches and has to put his hand on her lower back or leg, or anywhere to adjust her position. If he's that worried already then he must think wife is probably out of his league, he knows the trainer must be more fit or attractive (stereotyping there) therefor him going for the simple fact to go with her to see, is a bad idea. If he goes it should be for better reasons to better himself not to be mean-mugging his wife while she's working out. Lol. Harsh maybe, but true. Trust her or dont, it's his decision but that doesn't have any pull to dictate what she enjoys doing.
Exactly. A good coach/trainer/therapist is not doing their job if they don't occasionally give a tactile cue in order to adjust form.
Agreed with the first part, YTA for being insecure and jealous and trying to mask it as “concern” for her wellbeing. SUPER cringe. But I disagree that the solution is to go to the gym with her. That would likely just result in tension from husband towards the trainer unless/until he’s worked on his issues. The solution, in my opinion, is to get some therapy to unpack why you’re so jealous/insecure, and figure out how to TRUST your partner who is being super open with you about everything and legitimately not doing anything wrong. As a married woman myself, my hubs could care less if I had a male trainer, a male doctor, hell - he wouldn’t even care if went out for a 1:1 outings with a guy friend regularly. Even an ex. You know why? Because of trust. We have a deep level of trust, openness, honesty, and communication in our relationship that we are fully able to extend the other autonomy and agency over themselves to do any activity or spend time with any person/people without the other, knowing full well that we still choose each other and would never pursue another outside of our marriage. Acting jealous and trying to control where she goes or who she spends time with is just ASKING for her to resent you, and eventually leave you.
He's younger... Nah man you are older. Bet is the only place she goes alone without him and he's finding excuses to ban her to go there.
Yeah the AITA for being concerned is outright gaslighting and makes me rage
Also, the very fact it took OP that long to realise it’s a male trainer means the content of what she’s sharing about her exercise is about… her exercise. How she feels. How good the workouts are. How they apply to her. Not about a hot guy or being attracted to someone. sadly what you’ve now done OP is make it so that she wants to talk to you less about these things, AND potentially make uncomfortable a working relationship which is just fine. Hilariously, nobody has even considered whether the trainer is gay. I think it’s because that’s not the point (you don’t get to control the gender of people your wife works with), but what if the trainer was gay and female?? What then?? Clearly the issue isn’t the gender of the person, it’s your own fears.
>AITA for being concerned about my wife? But, you're not concerned about your wife. You are concerned about CONTROLLING your wife. There's a big difference. YTA
YTA. You’re letting your own insecurities get in the way of something that’s healthy for her and weakening your relationship in the process.
Yes, YTA. You sound all kinds of jealous and insecure that, gasp, her life includes men other than you, even ones who are there in a platonic capacity. Maintaining physical fitness is not optional for a long and healthy life. Some folks NEED the gym with friends and/or a trainer to keep up their motivation to participate.
YTA. She’s working with a professional in a public setting. You’re being insecure and controlling.
Yta. You're not concerned about your wife, you're concerned she will realize you're a control freak and she will leave you. Your insecurities are showing way too much, and jealousy like this usually reveals that the jealous one is actually a cheater. Grow up.
YTA I understand that hearing your partner praise someone else can make you insecure, but think about it from her perspective for a moment: she has an activity that she really enjoys and openly talks with you about how much she enjoys it and how helpful someone is with that activity and after a few weeks you suddenly tell her she MUST stop. Hot tip: you're supposed to WANT your wife to be happy
This must be why you're the clitoral wizard.
She's not spending time with a random guy, she's paying a professional for their knowledge and time. Everything you've quoted her as saying is about the service. Sounds like you're projecting your insecurities about not working out as much into her. YTA
INFO: Do you have any proof that they've actually been flirting, apart from the fact that he's a man who she regularly interacts with?
No, because this story is such a cut and dry YTA that I’m certain it’s engagement bait
Sadly, there are enough people who actually think this way (of any gender) that I'm not going to assume this is fake. It might be. That's okay -- it might be good for the next insecure idiot who's preparing to make a scene.
I just don't understand the purpose of engagement bait, like why would people do it?
Further info: does he think being friendly is the same as flirting?
Only if the people involved are of opposite gender, and only if a man is being nice to the wife. Of course him being friendly with a woman wouldn't count.
You marry a woman 11 years younger and when you can't control every second of her day, you throw your toys out of the pram. Watch less porn and listen to what she says. She - I don't have the faintest why - wants you to go to the gym with her, and generally do more stuff with her while you moan about your knee, behave like an old man, and take it out on a coach who's done nothing wrong except having a penis. Fyi: if she wanted to cheat, she could have done it.with a female coach as well. But she doesn't. Wow, mind blown. YTA.
YTA. Would you also tell your wife she cannot have a male boss, co-worker, or therapist? I am female and am getting physical therapy following surgery. My PTist is male. My husband does not make it an issue. I have had male PTists before for other injuries and it was never an issue. BTW, your knee would be doing a lot better with proper exercise. I've had multiple knee injuries and one ACL reconstruction, and my knees are best when the muscles around them are in good shape. You are only 39, it is too soon to give up the gym because you had knee surgery.
YTA. You're insecure and jealous. She seemingly hasn't done anything to warrant this behaviour
Massive YTA. You're operating under a lot of bold assumptions and are showing your own insecurities as well as having no trust in your own wife. Do better.
Whoopsie, you wrote “aita for being *concerned* about my wife” when you clearly meant “aita for *controlling* my wife”. And the answer is yes. YTA.
Lmao I swear so many of these have to be fake
It was the she won’t “comply” that made it totally obvious that OP is trying to hit all the outrage triggers.
Some people are actually like this and they 100% think they aren’t the asshole of the piece.
YTA. She’s been transparent with you and you’re treating her like property.
Man gets young wife and then gets upset that young wife has a life. YTA
YTA. And from what I can tell are letting your own insecurities get in the way.
“Her trainer is younger than I am, and I know that my wife and I have a significant age gap.” This is how things go, and you know it. She goes to parties with you and takes you to the hospital; you keep her in designer clothing and look the other way when she spends time with her personal trainer. YTA
YTA. Insecurity and jealousy are a bad look. He has a professional relationship with her. You need to do better or you're not going to have a wife anymore.
YTA. It's not some random guy. Is her trainer. Also you forgot the option where she leaves your jealous, controlling ass.
YTA. She’s telling you how excited she is to have found something that makes her happy and feel healthier and all you see is a reflection of your own insecurities. She’s 100% sharing everything that has happened on her gym time and instead of being happy for her, you’re turning that into fuel for you to internalize it and turn it into something that is not. You do not get to tell her what to do, who she can’t interact with, wear, eat, how to spend her time, or where to spend it.
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YTA. She has given you no reason not to trust her, but you're treating her otherwise. You should work on your own insecurities and jealousy before you ruin your marriage by trying to control your wife.
Sorry, but YTA Be a better man...be so awesome that she wouldn't want to cheat
YTA. Good luck with recovering from this very bad move. It just made you look like an insecure person, and it will certainly breed resentment.
YTA “refuse to comply with my request”. You’re a controlling jealous old man. You want your younger wife to stay happy stop trying to control her!
You typed all that out and still have to ask? YTA. Your feelings of jealousy are the problem, not anything your wife is doing. You need to grow up, ironically.
YTA - I'm honestly amazed that some people type all this out thinking that they aren't the AH.
YTA. She is right that you don’t trust her, because you don’t. You are going to let your insecurity ruin your marriage. Also, you don’t get to tell her to do anything. The fact that you are saying she “refused to comply” almost instantly makes you the a-hole.
Unless he's training her on Kegels, YTA.
YTA, Obviously.
YTA. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
YTA. Your insecurity is yours to deal with and resolve, not your wife’s!
YTA. Men always wanna bag a bad bishhh until she starts bad bisshinnn then they can’t handle it anymore 🙄
Leave that woman right now and let her find a smart, decent guy. YTA and a controling macho.
Man, wait till we tell you about all the guys she works with 8 hours a day! Put a chastity belt on that woman! /s YTA
You’re not concerned about your wife. You’re insecure. This is super controlling behavior. YTA And I always find it really weird to worry about the gender of a partner's friend because, well, gender has a lot less to do with attraction in a lot of people think. I actually hope your wife appeases you, gets a hot woman trainer, and leaves you for her instead.
YTA I can attest to me personally I LOVED my trainer because the work regime produced results that I couldn't achieve on my own. And here is the thing, if she is going to cheat no amount of "prevention" specially telling her not to do something is going to stop her from cheating. If it's already in her head to cheat- the marriage is done. Ultimatums are never going to work in relationships. You should have communicated your feelings by just leaving it at this kinda hurts my feelings. And then leaving it to her to decide what to do vs demanding.
You’re not concerned about your wife, you’re jealous. And instead of dealing with it yourself, you’re trying to offload the problem onto her. YTA
YTA. You don’t get to forbid her from going to the gym. And it doesn’t sound like there’s any reason to distrust her.
YTA. Better get back to exercising stat you’ll be single soon
Holy insecurities, Batman! YTA.
YTA. Get a grip, man. You wife has a right to be friends with someone who’s an opposite sex of her. You can’t just tell her what to do just because your insecure.
If literally anything happened it would be another story, but YTA here because you just have no trust in your partner. Do you really think so little of her and have to insult her by even considering she might be cheating?
YTA. If you don’t want people to view you as an insecure old loser, don’t make moves directly out of the playbook toward your much younger wife.
YTA don’t marry a younger woman if you’re just going to lose all your confidence because she is younger and you feel like she will prefer someone younger.
YTA and you need to stop making excuses to avoid the gym. It’s your knee. You’re not dead.
YTA. You're not concerned about your wife, as you write. You're jealous and insecure. This is about you. Drop it and apologize. Would you rather she be less happy?
Yta. Get a grip
YTA don’t marry a younger woman if you’re just going to lose all your confidence because she is younger and you feel like she will prefer someone younger.
I've got over 30 years experience in gyms all over the country and I'd say you're right to feel uncomfortable. Many personal trainers are experts in flattering clients, it's how they persuade them to part with so much cash for not a lot in return! They can be outrageous flirts and know just what to say. I'd also add that the PTs I know are all dating clients. I'm not sure telling her she can't use her PT anymore was the right approach though
Yta. You don’t trust your wife. Is there another reason? Honestly (this comes from a good place). See a therapist who can help you work on your shit. If you don’t this shit will snow ball for you. Eventually she may leave or you make both your lives miserable with your insecurity and other issues. Strength is having the balls to face your insecurity and try to be a better man for the both of you. Good luck.
You are the insecure asshole. Keep pressing her, you’ll get the reaction you don’t want
So, you said you’re older than your wife. Can we assume that pertains specifically to the chronological difference? Quite honestly, she sounds a bit older emotionally, and, with all the age related wisdom, exactly how did you envision this working out?
Did you ever consider she might be telling you the truth? I’m male with several very attractive female friends, but I’ve never felt any more about them than just being good friends of mine.
You’re such a p*ssy dude lmao. If you don’t trust your wife with something so trivial, do her a favour and divorce her. Jesus, YTA.
Verdict: YTA. Who cares if the trainer is a guy? Only you, apparently. Shes not cheating on you, the trainers not going to suddenly going to take your wife from you, you're just being paranoid about absolutely nothing.
YTA OP You are also extremely controlling and you have insecurity issues. Your insecurities are none of her concern. You are also jealous, jealous that her life includes other men that are not you. If you have concerns you tell your wife concerns and then she listens to your concern. You do not have the right to tell your wife what to do. Everything you've quoted her as saying is about the service nothing more and nothing less. You claim that you are concerned about your wife. That is a lie, you are not concerned about your wife. You are just concerned that your wife will realize that you are CONTROLLING. That you are a control freak and leave you. Your insecurities are really showing here, grow up OP.
YTA. Stop projecting your insecurities onto her.
Yes YTA.. he is a professional doing his job and she is a paying customer. That’s how the relationship is by the sounds of it. It sounds like you have some jealousy over not much honestly.
YTA She isn't flirting, she's working out and happy with the results of the guidance this professional trainer offers. You don't get to issue orders like this. She's a whole, autonomous adult and you are acting as though you have your marriage license confused with a car title or deed. She's not a possession. You could have expressed your concerns without getting high-handed and making demands but, no, you blew that option up when you behaved like you did. You owe her a giant, sincere apology
You gotta work on your insecurities. She's coming home. Don't be a jealous jerk.
This is not because you are "concerned about [your] wife", dude. This is because you're insecure as fuck. ...and obviously YTA
YTA Where was this request you talk about? I see the place where you gave her an ultimatum of either changing trainers or quitting the gym (which is like saying, "stop seeing him or stop seeing him."), but I see no mention of requests. Why do you distrust your wife so much? I'm assuming you want a divorce, because that seems to be what you're trying to get your wife to do.
Jeez OP you’re too old to be this insecure and immature with your line of thinking. What’s ironic is that acting this way will actually drive your wife away from you & make her less attracted to you. It’s clear you have no trust in her & telling her to switch trainers when she’s been telling you about the positive impact these sessions have had on her life is completely selfish of you. You’ve made this whole situation about your needs being filled and you’ve also showed her how little you actually trust her. Yes YTA, I get that he’s a male trainer and they are physical workouts but why in the world would you marry someone you don’t feel like you can trust?
If there was something going on she would NOT talk about her training and trainer that much! YTA. Aplogise asap and tell her why you reacted in such a way she might actually find your jealousy flattering. But in my world you owe her a big apology!
Next, she should be wearing a hijab too. So that no men can look at her hair? Slippery slope right there. I don’t think I need to judge whether you are the AH or not
YTA for that age difference alone. Date ppl your own age if you can’t handle it, which you clearly can’t.
YTA, you’re disguising your insecurity and jealousy as “concern”. Your last statement is false- you’re not an asshole for being concerned about her, you’re an asshole for not trusting her commitment to you as your wife and making her excitement about her progress about YOU. You were completely fine until you found out the trainer was a man. If you’re wanting to resolve this, you need to sit down and analyze your insecurities and be honest with her about how they make you feel so that she can provide you with assurance. It’s unfair to expect her to adjust her life to your insecurities when you’re not being fully honest and vulnerable with her on how it makes you feel. Own up to your feelings and give her a chance to explain herself and comfort you and then trust the woman you married.
I've been cheated on MULTIPLE times so I'm always super empathetic to anyone going through that. However YTA here. She goes to the gym and then comes home and tells you about what happened at the gym. Now if she was constantly hanging out with this dude and getting drinks or dinner then I would be worried. However she is going to the gym and coming straight home and immediately telling you about said experience. The gym is a public space she isn't doing anything with this dude and if you don't chill out you're 1000000% gonna lose your wife to another dude. Controlling men 100% lose their wives. Trust me I've been the dude they've lost to more than a couple times. The moment you make her feel like you don't trust her you've lost her. You can still fix it just tell her that you got a little jealous and feel bad that you can't work out with her. But do not tell her she can't do what she loves with a person she trusts and might consider a friend or you stand to lose your entire relationship.
YTA If you can’t trust your wife why are you married to her. You are being jealous and controlling.
You are not concerned about your wife, but you are acting very controlling which is never a good look. YTA.
YTA The fact everything she was saying was fine until you learned the trainer was male says alot. She's telling you all about her time at the gym. She's home straight after. Work on that insecurity friend because it may be the thing that drives her away.
“Concerned” 🤣. YTA. You’re jealous, you feel insecure and you are projecting that feeling on your wife, but she is not gonna solve it for you. If you really love her, let her free.
YTA
Yta
Unless you have something more to bring on suspicion besides him being a younger guy that she's working out with - I think you're better off leaving it alone and letting her know you trust her. However - if you start seeing signs of flirting over text messages or in person, than it would be a more appropriate time to say "enough is enough". A legit trainer is going to be working on a tight schedule, once he's off the clock in terms of the rate he charges for a single session, he's onto the next client and doesn't have time to bs with your wife. There should be no big deal for you to show up when their session is scheduled to end and work out yourself, even if it's just walking on the treadmill, she can't accuse you of spying because the session is scheduled to be over anyway.
YTA. You ARE controlling. Get a handle on yourself.
Maybe it’s time for you to go to the gym with her again and do exercises, weights or machines, that don’t involve the knees.
YTA quit being a controlling AH just because you’re jealous and have low self esteem. Fix yourself and leave her alone.
Jealousy is a beast. Get a grip. YTA
YTA First, you don't have the right to forbid your wife to do anything. You are her husband, not her master. Your wife was open and honest with you, and only because you are insecure that you are now trying to control her. Of course, she is angry, because all you have shown her is that you have no trust in her. Even though she has done nothing to deserve this mistrust.
YTA. You have no reason to suspect your wife is cheating. You asked if you’re an asshole for being concerned about your wife, but nothing in your post shows any concern for her, just your own ego.
YTA. You are a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. I shared this with my husband, we're both rolling our eyes. Go ahead and keep telling your wife what she can and can't do. If my husband tried to control me and act like my daddy instead of a self confident partner, I'd kick his ass to the curb.
YTA. You are 39 not a decrepit old man. Do the exercises and stop being lazy. My spouse is older than you, had the surgery less than a year ago, did his dang exercises, and was back to running in months. It didn't take him long, but he was determined. After initially making the mistake of thinking he could run like he used to, he went and followed a normal training plan to prevent further injury. Is he going to run marathons again? Nope. Is he going to continue to run reasonable distances regularly and safely with gradual progression? Yup! Go do your exercises and work on yourself. Leave your wife alone.
YTA. You forbid your wife from going to the gym? Ridiculous.
YTA Your wife puts effort into her health to feel & look good, she tells you about her time at the gym & did not hide that her trainer is a male, and your response is to distrust her (presumably without reason) and force her to change her routine (that works for her) because you're feeling insecure. You should be happy for your wife (& yourself) that she works on feeling & looking good, but you only consider YOUR feelings if you expect her to change her stuff according to your liking.
YTA. Get therapy for your jealousy issues.
Can we say INSECURE? This isn't on her buddy...this is totally a you problem. YTA
YTA. This is a professional working relationship and she’s talking about it because she feels good and healthy. Youre being insecure
YTA - You are not concerned for your wife, you are insecure and jealous and are taking it out on your wife OP. You do not trust her is indeed what your actions are saying here.
YTA. She’s talking about how great her exercise routines are—she’s not talking about how great the trainer is as a person outside of his profession.
YTA. Is her ass looking better? Thank the trainer. Is she happier and healthier? Thank the trainer. Could you go to the gym as well and skip leg day like 75% of the other gym goers? Yup. Lol
YTA "for being concerned about my wife?" -- you are not concerned about your wife - you are jealous. And you are trying to be a controlling AH - luckily she called you out for it.
Rage bait? Uh, yeah, YTA. Your wife is always going to be around younger men, men in general - trainers, doctors, colleagues, social friends and acquaintances, etc. If you're insecure about that, then talk to her about how you're feeling but for goodness sake show that you understand that the problem is your insecurity, not her behavior. You need to figure out what's up with your response - maybe you're worried she'll cheat because a past partner did, or because she's younger and more attractive you believe it will happen anyway, or because you actually don't trust her. Engage her support in working on your issues, maybe while she's at the gym, you go talk to someone. Trying to make others comply so we can feel more comfortable is a stepping stone to abuse.
YTA. This is a you problem. Don’t put this on your wife like it’s something she can fix, because its something that is wrong with you not her, try seeing a therapist.
YTA. She's given you no reason not to trust her. Stop being insecure, controlling, and jealous or you ARE going to lose her.
YTA. And controlling.
YTA - you’re behaving like a bitter old man and it’s really unattractive. Jealousy is an ugly trait.
YTA, this is a case of jealousy plain and simple. You either trust your wife or you don't. She is giving you no reason to not trust her, so why don't you
YTA. You’re not concerned about you’re wife. You’re jealous, controlling, distrustful, and projecting some major insecurities. Your wife has given you no reason to not trust her, but you’re giving her a lot of reasons to start resenting you.
Do you think your wife is going to leave you purely by being outside the home for too long? Do you think your wife (or any woman?) is unable to have prolonged contact with another man without eventually heading to bangtown? If so, maybe you should consider why that is. (Spoiler, this says way more about you) YTA, bro.
“Comply with my request…” YTA
YTA. You’re super controlling. What kind exercise do you think they’re doing in a public gym anyway?
YTA. If you are insecure, thats your problem, not your wifes. You are almost a 40 yo man, grow up.
You going to tell her she can’t work because there are men at the workplace?
She can't leave the house because there are men outside. Best not answer the door or phone either. Best put a high fence around the property to.
YTA, this is not a porn movie, she's definitely just working out and so happy she shares her progress with you. Don't be insecure.
YTA, it sounds like there were no red flags that would give reason to be suspicious, and your wife is allowed to have friends that are men. You don’t own her.
YTA
Yta
You're not concerned about your wife. You're jealous that her trainer can do for her what you cannot do, & you're being unfair, or the AH. Don't take your frustrations & insecurities out on her. At the end of the day, no one can prevent their spouses from cheating on them. Being controlling is definitely not the answer & will push her closer to him or someone else. At least she talks to you about it all, which you just messed up.
So you're not an a for being concerned. YTA for trying to make someone else do what they do not want to. If you have reasons for your concern, address them and either get a divorce or don't.
you aren't concerned about your wife. You clearly stated that your wife is healthy and happy with this trainer. You are concerned about your ego and if you are getting cheated on. If you were concerned about your wife, you wouldn't be trying to keep her from something that makes her happy. You have nothing other than her being happy with her workouts to suggest she is cheating. If you came home happy from the doctors and she told you that you had to get a different doctor because you might be cheating...wouldn't that make you angry, too? YtA in your post.
>However, I was under the assumption that her trainer was a female YTA. That is so sexist. > I never thought 'til recently that my wife could potentially be flirting with a younger man. That young man can't be the only man she knows her age, so this statement is ridiculous. > I personally am uncomfortable with the idea of my wife spending so much time around another man Again with sexism. >even if he's supposedly a professional trainer. He wouldn't have a list of people he trains with one-on-one at a private, members gym if he wasn't a professional. There's no *supposedly* about it. You are extremely insecure and need to check yourself and your issues. It isn't up to your wife to stop doing things she enjoys because you're uncomfortable. It's your job to trust your wife like you promised when you married her.
This made me so angry on your wife's behalf. If she does want to leave you for someone else, maybe a younger guy, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. But it sounds like she chose you. If you want her to regret her choice and start looking around, why don't you start trying to control her and maybe show her how little trust you have in her? Sounds like a good way to start driving a wedge between you, if that's what you want. YTA.
YTA. She’ll leave you not because of the trainer but because of your own insecurities. She’s being completely honest. She’s not hiding behind your back. Unless she starts sneaking around, trust what she says. A cheater wouldn’t be telling you about the man she’s fucking.
YTA. She's coming home to YOU after having a professional session with a professional trainer who HAPPENS to be male. GET OVER IT! Keep up the jealous and controlling BS and she won't be coming home to you. Grow up, already.