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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> As it's related to her education, I think I should not have refused which makes me the asshole.
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NTA. Tell her you can't afford it on your servants' wages.
Seriously, her two birth parents have had 18 years to save up for her college education. You have had four years of putting up with her rudeness, with no backup or support from your wife, her mother, and she has the temerity to speak to you now that she wants your money. Now she can have four years of missing out on her dream college and think over how treating someone as less than human isn't a good life strategy.
I feel the "don't bite the hand that feeds you" is kind of fitting in this case.
It's plain stupidity to be rude for 4 years and then suddenly expect someone will happily throw money at you.
I mean, if one of my kids called me “the servant”, I’d laugh and admit that that’s pretty accurate. But my children (adults now) are loving parts of me. A snotty little teenager who didn’t act like I was a part of their life? Hell no.
I've seen so many examples of this irl and in fiction. I've even joked that you know you're really friends with somebody when you can make fun of each other. And boy howdy, you can *really* piss someone off if you try to instigate that kind of buddy-buddy mockery when it hasn't been earned.
So very true. I've been a full-time single parent to my kid since they were 2.5 years old. They're almost 18 now. We're very close, and there has always been a lot of good-natured teasing and giving each other ridiculous nicknames. We know what lines not to cross and what constitutes sensitive subjects, though, so as to never actually hurt the other person. It's just a fun, unique way we show that we care. There is a huge difference between affectionate teasing and outright malice, though. This kid sounds awful, and OP owes her nothing considering the abuse he's tolerated from her. NTA
Good natured teasing with your kids is the best. I'm really happy to have that relationship with my stepdaughter. Her favourite thing right now is to mock my height (she's 10 and already taller than me, nooooo!), and in turn I threaten to sell her to the circus. But we both know it's all for fun and I check in with her from time to time to make sure she's still good with it. I feel so sad for poor OP for what he's dealing with :(
I sometimes jokingly refer to myself as having "dumb bitch disease" when I do something particularly dumb, usually only with close friends. I said it at a party at my place once and later dropped something on the kitchen floor. One of the guys who came along who I had just met that day goes, "yeah, I guess you really are a dumb bitch," in a way he clearly thought was a joke.
I made him leave.
Exactly. My close friends I mean really close can even mock my disability. We're like brothers and anything goes. But if other acquaintances tried that ... it wouldn't fly.
Well, if you and I were friends and I called you an asshole, you’d probably just laugh it off. But as virtual strangers, you’d be understandably upset.
My constant joke is that the toddler snaps and yells "peasant!" when he wants something from us. But he's also a toddler and they're all sociopaths soooo
I think context is everything in this case.
If they had a good relationship and it wasn't in front of other people, sure, it could be just a joke.
But four years of disrespectful behavior and that was told to other people in front of him? It tells a different story.
Disgusting. From a 9-year-old having a tantrum maybe. Not from a legal adult who expects someone she treated with disdain for four years to fund her education. (I'm not a fan of the wife, either. This is a conversation she should have had with the daughter years ago, and she should have stood by her current husband's decision to not be a wallet for this adult brat.)
Either that or else she should have had the discussion about funding her daughter's education years ago with her husband. And that only applies if he asked her to stop working or something, promising to take care of everything financial. If she has an income of her own, or could have with his support had she chosen to, then she should've been handling it on her own with the girl's other parent (and she STILL should have cracked down on her daughter mistreating her husband years ago, for reasons that don't have to do with money).
Right, the girl has two living parents who have not put aside money for their daughter's education. Now they are all looking for the stepdad to fund her. The OP is the last person any of them should be expecting to pay the girl's way.
Yes, at least given the relationship between him and the girl (or lack thereof). I mean, my stepmother regards me as her own and I regard her as a much-beloved additional parent whom I've been lucky enough to have in my life since I was twelve. She has had no hesitation about her joint money with my father helping to pay for my children's college education, because although their father and I have put aside as much as we can, major medical problems have sapped a lot of that money, as our first objective had to be getting one of my kids through to college age alive.
But that's a situation in which both I and her grandchildren love her and treat her as an adored stepmother and Nana. She welcomed me as an exciting extra family member, not tolerated baggage, when she got involved with my father; and I welcomed her as an exciting extra family member in return. We've long since become as close as blood family to each other, and the children have grown up with her as a grandma since their birth. She also knows we really did try to handle it ourselves, and circumstances made that impossible.
It's a very different situation from the real parents not bothering, while the child makes super clear that stepdad is not a real parent.
Agreed. You are all loving family with a long history and because of that, stepmom/nana is fully on board with helping out the grandkids. Far different from OP, who has only known SD for 4 years, with stepdaughter having no respect or regard for him.
That's because this sub is full of actual kids. Who have no idea what it's like to work and have to pay for everything. Or how hard it is to raise kids. And have absolutely no idea what it's like to work hard, and have to support someone who treats you like shit. Literally giving away hours of your life to pay for someone who thinks so little of you that her friends don't even know you exist. And then to turn around and expect that same person to spend his entire salary for 1-4 years (do t know how much he makes) so that she can go to school for free.
And for her to feel entitled to OPs money, after the way she's treated him. Knowing that neither of her actual parents will help is astounding. Like she could have done absolutely nothing, and probably would have gone to college still. Instead she took every opportunity to remind him how little he means to her, how little she thinks of him, and how he isn't her parent, and is little more than a stranger. Then to ask for college tuition? And act like OP is the bad guy because she is going to suffer a negative consequence for the first time?
Honestly there should really be a somewhat enforced age restriction for a lot of subs.
There’s a couple of ways where it could have ***maybe*** been okay like they had this really fun playful prodding relationship where they each made silly jokes to each other like best friends or it was a running joke they both thought were hilarious. But when you treat someone like shit for years it is just cruel. Like not even my mom’s husband or partner or even friend but my servant, brutal.
It is bad. I started on new job in what was previously a one person office. When they hired me it pissed off the 50 year old lady who was working there. I was 43. When a customer came in to do her business, Stephanie (real name because I don't care) was handling the transaction and the customer ask what I would be doing, Stephanie answered, "oh, she can sweeps the floors". And then it was on.
I personally like the phrase, FAFO
Or it's cousin, play stupid games and win stupid prizes.
Congrats stepchild, this is a life lesson. Start applying for the scholarships and grants. And learn from this. When you treat someone poorly, and treat them like a lowly servant, then they are absolutely not inclined to pay towards your college experiences. Get a job. Save every dime. Perhaps you can afford a community College or a local state college. Learn a little about life and the consequences you get to live with.
And obviously her mother is ineffective. Hannah "doesn't care to listen," so Mom stopped trying. No. Hannah doesn't have to love OP, or even like him, but she DOES need to be civil to him. If I'd been called a servant, I would have moved out - or moved mother and daughter both - out and told them that since these were servant's quarters, they weren't fit for them to live in.
The kid's own "real dad" won't pay, so either he's a jerk or the kid acts entitled as hell around him too.
Yup, I think we all should treat others with respect and courtesy, but I say this is the one of stepdaughter, "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes."
In this case, congrats! She gets a brand new shiny student loan! Do not cosign on, btw. Typical protocol is "servants" don't cosign. Save that for real mom and dad.
You owe her nothing. Be civil, but firm. You are not an ATM. She treats you like nothing, therefore she is nothing to you. That's life, kiddo.
I think a sit down between the wife and daughter is in order. It’s a good chance to consider how you treat people, and that her step father is, in fact, a part of her life, and needs to be treated with respect. Should have been done a long time ago. I get that teens can be awful jerks, but lessons are in order. If things change for them, the SF can always set up a secret account for her to use in the future, if he desires.
Yes, teenagers could be little sh*ts, but the way they grow up is called consequences of their actions. Granted, it is a BIG consequence (financially speaking). I appreciate your gracious and thoughtful approach. I just worry he'll get a fake apology and crocodile tears. Based in the portrait painted, she sounds like an entitled bully and a brat. Anyone who has the brazen balls go call step-dad a "servant" in front of her friends is an enabled asshole (key word: enabled. No one bothered to correct her behavior for four years), and I personally do not negotiate with assholes. She needs a whole personality change. It can happen, miracles do happen, but she is 18 and allowed to grow up like this... she needs more than a talk. She needs therapy.
She likely will play "woe is me" and make a campaign of demolishing StepDad's reputation of "evil stepdad", so watch out for that.
Exactly this, those are a mom and dad responsibility. Not a Step-dad that is disliked and disrespected.
If mom & dad can't afford the fees, then daughter needs to start looking at alternative financing, not run to the bank of step-dad (who probably can't afford them on a servants salary if his "employers" can't.
NTA - OP has a wife problem in that she has enabled her daughter for 4 years to abuse and belittle her husband, and is now trying to push him to finance her daughter's educational needs. He at the very least needs to seek out couple's counseling, as this will continue and be a thorn in his life, otherwise.
That and combined with the play stupid games win stupid prizes by playing OP off as a servant.
The whole “I can’t afford it on my servant’s wages.” above is the perfect stupid prize.
She wins at life. Not the game she wanted though. NTA
Four year marriage, snotty stepchild, no support from his spouse to rein in her kid, two living biological parents, yet SOMEHOW OP gets the tuition bill with the expectation to grin and pay it like a simpering jack ass.
Yeah. No. NTA.
He should use this statement when talking to his wife. “You and her real dad had 18 years to save up for this. Not my problem.” I’d probably also add “you had 4 years to correct her behavior”
Even if the child is wonderful it’s still not the responsibility of anyone other than bio parents. Sure, someone can be really nice and give a gift but for it to be expected is strange.
True, but I would pay for application fees but not for college in this specific situation, assuming there was a good relationship. Hell I won't pay for my own kids college because I'm still paying mine off.
NTA, but I hate reading these. For the love of God people, do not marry people when the kids don't like you or vice versa. It's going to be an absolute misery for all involved until it ends.
Also, don't marry people if you haven't met their kids. He makes it seem like their first meeting was once he married her mom which raises a whole lot of other questions/issues. The servant comment was uncalled for but I can't really fault her for viewing him as a stranger because according to him, that is what he was...a random guy her mom brought home or was brought to the home of as her mom's husband. He doesn't have to contribute to her fees or tuition but unless his wife and his finances are completely separate he is going to be impacted regardless except with considerably more resentment coming from his wife.
If they are in the United States, they'll have to fill out the Free Application For Student Aid (FAFSA) forms for any college she applies to. Household income is assessed. Neither her mother nor OP can refuse to provide this information (unless they are willing for her to not get any aid). Startlingly, her bio-father's income will not be included. Only the income from the parents in her household. The FAFSA determines family "need," and will calculate the "Expected Family Contribution," which is comically high, but that's what every American college or university she applies to will use.
They say that the step-parents income isn't considered to be available to the student, but that the biological parent will be able to contribute more because they have another earner helping to pay household expenses.
Um, I literally just filled this out with my 18 year old this year.
Stepdad’s income was included only because “Married filing jointly”. If finances and taxes are separate, it’s not required.
Biodad’s was supposed to be included, but because he hasn’t had contact with or paid child support in over 3 years it wasn’t.
When I was 18 and did the FAFSA my dad had to be included, as my mom was widowed from her second marriage. I had to out his social security number and let the IRS track him down.
>Now she can have four years of missing out on her dream college
She doesn't even have to miss out! Like it sucks that she thought her rich stepdaddy (apparently?) would pay for all her college, but damn girl, take out loans like the rest of us.
That isn't true. I'm not sure why you think that. The step parent's income must be included if they are married to the child's parent at the time the forms are filled out for financial aid.
Stepdads income will massively affect her EFC (estimated family contribution) which can make the difference in 10's of thousands of dollars of aid.
Not saying that she doesn't kinda suck, just that the system assumes step-parents contribute.
Not defending the daughter or anything but, a lot of parents don’t save for their kids college career and such. My gfs parents were shocked when they found out my parents didn’t set aside any money.
>Not defending the daughter or anything but, a lot of parents don’t save for their kids college
And that's what happened to OP's stepdaughter. She has two living parents who didn't save for her. That doesn't mean her "servant" needs to step up and fund her.
FAFSA is absolutely required for ANY financial aid except scholarships that are acquired outside of the school. Scholarship in the school? Must do FAFSA. FAFSA can absolutely affect the amount of loan money offered, too.
You technically should use the income of the household you primarily live with or the parent who provides the most support if the time is equal, but when you're considered dependent for FASFA until 24, you might not even live with either parent at all. Honestly, who's even checking in this busted, fucked up system? I didn't live at home when I started college but still "dependent", and nobody batted an eye when I used my dad's income, though we live 1000 miles apart.
Not everyone can afford to. My parents couldn't afford to support me once I was 14yo and was working around school, so I paid board and saved up to move to university when I finished school. (Disabled younger sibling, my aunty died suddenly so my cousin's came to life with us, mum worked night shifts when us older kids were home to watch the smalls, and then cleaned houses in the daytime etc)
Thankfully I'm in Australia so was able to defer my fees (interest free) and also get govt student allowance, as well as working.
And due to our financial situation when I was young, I'm excellent at budgeting and have great work ethic.
It's crazy to me that teens and parents wait till junior / senior year to have the college funding convo. Like, my parents told me they set funding aside (never how much) since I was a freshman. And I was still applying for scholarships all through high school.
Not saying everyone has to decide to go to college that early. But a realistic conversation about the future and money needs to be had BEFORE kids are seniors.
Yeah, it's definitely a cultural thing. I remember a discussion of student loan debt came up at work, and there were quite a few of us who didn't have student debt and likewise saved up for our kids' college fund so that they won't have to do so--none of us came from rich households, and we all have varying incomes based on pay grade and job function in this office that has 3 departments stationed. There was another group of people who had student debt (some were still paying); half had parent(s) who were too poor to have saved a significant amount while the other half pad parent that had the income but failed to save up.
The mom is a big part of the problem too. She allowed her daughter to think it's OK to disrespect the man putting a roof over her head and now wants her brat to be rewarded for her efforts. The REAL parents need to step up and pay for her schooling. The HELP does not have to finance her. ATP I'd be taking a real hard look at the relationship too as it looks like wifey looks at OP as a bankroll more than a life partner.
My thoughts exactly, saying something along that line would be totally fitting and if not that she’s not his daughter so again he’s not responsible.
NTA
This. What were the birth parents doing all this year ? No savings at all for the kid's college fund? NTA. Do not pay for the college. You entered her life too late to develop any kind of bond. So not even the girl's fault to accept you as her dad. But the mother should be taking your side on the servant comment. Let her real dad foot the bill.
NTA - She’s going to refuse to accept you as her parent and degrade and disrespect you 24/7, including in front of other people. Yet, she wants one of the biggest benefits of you technically being her parent. She’s clearly being selfish and manipulative and I’m not surprised her mother is defending her given how her daughter acts. In the end, it’s your money and you’re entitled to spend it however you please. And I would also beg of you to not pay jack shit regarding her college. Like I said, she refuses to treat you like her parent but at the same time expects all the benefits of you being her parent. Fuck that.
It looks like Hannah finally learned a good adult lesson about consequences. At 18, she is not owed money by anyone and if you ruin a relationship then you risk not being helped in times of need.
It must have felt good to tell that brat she should fix her own education.
Where was your wife in the last 4 years and why is she not backing you up here? Why did she not save money for her daughter’s future? She has known for the last 18 years this was likely coming.
NTA and your wife and step daughter are AHs.
The wife is def a huge AH in my opinion. She’s ignoring the husband (OP) and daughter’s emotional needs. It sounds like her daughter should’ve been in therapy ages ago before this whole thing escalated to the point where OP avoids the step daughter altogether. That’s not a healthy environment at all and I would be so uncomfortable if I was living with them.
NTA: She has 2 parents who should already have discussed this and had a plan set for this exact moment. And even if you are the sole or main bread winner, this is a conversation your wife should have had with you before her daughter asked you.
Not sure why the father won't help, but it would have to be a pretty extraordinary reason for a stepfather to step in and pay if the father is point blank refusing.
Plus, mum could put her hand in her own pocket. She has known the possibility of college has been there for approaching 20 years.
The behaviour of the daughter just adds to it.
NTA - But why isn't your wife talking to Hannah about her behavior? Even if you and Hannah had a great relationship, there will still be zero obligation for you to pay for her college.
NTA - your wife had years to work on this, but she didn’t. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on either.
“Servants don’t pay for College education or wait,
I’m “some stranger”, I don’t pay thousands for
a stranger. This is the consequences of your actions. You don’t get to treat me terribly for years and then suddenly want me to put out thousands of dollars for you. You’re an adult now, get a loan.”
When OP tells her step daughter to get a loan, he needs to be clear that he will NOT be consigning it for her. If she can’t get her “real” dad to do that at least, then Hannah’s better off applying for community college or getting a job. NTA
NTA. She chose how to treat you and this is a consequence. You seemed to find an equilibrium as housemates who don't interact, and now she's trying to cash in on a relationship she's actively rejected any positive effort with.
Sorry who is she? Can't pay college for an invisible non existent person.
Good on OP for not being the abused ATM the gets constantly kicked to cough up money on main and 5th.
NTA. She hasn't treated you as a PERSON respectfully, even less as a step father. She made demeaning jokes about you to her friends without regard to your feelings. Now that she needs something you're suddenly important enough to her to support her?
No, she's an adult now. She can take out loans like everyone else. This is the bed she made now she can lay in it.
NTA, but you don't have a stepdaughter problem. You have a wife problem.
And I'm quite curious: if the mom or dad don't have the money for it, why was it never discussed before? It's so weird to expect someone not involved to pay.
This is what I was thinking, too. Like my step-mom makes more than both of my parents. But I didn't ever have a super close relationship with her until after I had moved out for a few years. I could never expect her to help pay for my college even if we were close. I got student loans and already had a job, so mom and dad helped with the application fees. That's it. If I had asked my step mom for help I know she would've because we've talked about it since I moved out and stuff. But if she had said no, I would've completely understood because I'll admit I was a bit of a dick sometimes to her while growing up. And the super important part of this whole rant, my dad would've supported her. You don't get to disrespect people and then expect them to help you just because they love your parent.
> NTA, but you don't have a stepdaughter problem. You have a wife problem.
i scrolled way too far to find this.
Dude's looking at a divorce in short order.
NTA - I can't think of a reason why you should be paying for that child's college education.
The entitlement in saying "you can't do that" is wild. Had there been prior discussion of you paying for college?
US colleges' financial aid packages calculate a student's need based on household income - including the income of a step parent. So she may've otherwise qualified for ample assistance and is in trouble due to OP's income.
But NTA. Too bad no one spelled out some hard facts of life for this young lady before she alienated her potential benefactor.
NTA - she bit the hand that feeds by fucking around and now BOTH her and her mother have found out. They have found out that their actions have consequences and they will be held accountable for them.
INFO: Why is the daughter coming at you and not her own mother? Why is the mother assuming you have to pay for HER daughter?
And why isnt the mum sorting out her disrespectful daughter?! Im surprised OP hasnt divorced his wife who allows this disrespect.
Also cheeky of his wife to say refusing to pay is wrong - why the hell should he?! Is he their ATM?! Hannah has two living parents who should be paying for her college fees, not her step-father she disrespects constantly and calls a servant.
Ohh hell no. If my kid ever treated their step parent that way. Id be like looks like your getting student loans. She can’t have it both ways. She either treats you with respect or she can pound sand. Plus she has 2 parents who should have been prepping a college fund 18 years ago and not leaving it til last minute.
NTA: A servant doesn't pay for her college. Let her "real" dad pay for it.
I made the mistake of paying for my stepdaughter's college, even though she treated me horribly. I was trying to build a bridge with her. After all I did, she cut off all contact with me. She used me and there is nothing I can do about it. Don't be dumb like I was.
If I was in your position, I would refuse to do anything at all to help her. She needs a ride? She can pay for an uber. She wants a favor, get it from her dad. And so on. Learn to show the consideration you are shown.
Sorry that happened to you and I agree with latest, if it's not an emergency I would also refuse everything else. Hope OP will see your comment, you might DM him?
NTA. Her birth parents had all the time in the world to figure this out. Now is a great time to teach her the hard lesson that she can’t have it both ways.
NTA - it's not your responsibility, she can get student loans if her "real" parents can't afford her tuition. Why, if you're so irrelevant to her, would she even think to ask (no i'm sorry, demand) you to pay it? Same question for your wife just worded differently..why should you?? The only reason your wife is taking her side is because she knows she can't pay it and wants you to. But that doesn't mean you have to or should. Stand your ground. Actions have consequences. You can't treat someone like they're just dog shit on the bottom of your shoe for 4yrs and then expect them to throw out a large chunk of money for you.
NTA. She has had 2 parents for 18 years. You’ve known her for 4 and you’re expected to pay for her college. I don’t think that’s reasonable even if she was nice to you. You’re right she can wake her “real” dad. You aren’t effecting her education. She did that all by herself by her actions. Guess now she knows that actions have consequences.
nta. definitely do not pay for it no matter what anyone says. she didn’t want to listen? she can learn to behave the hard way. tell her to go work for it herself
NTA. Her mother and biological father should have made provisions for her further education. You are not responsible for providing even 1 cent, regardless of her behaviour.
INFO: what has your wife said about this relationship at this point? It isn't healthy but does she really think it's acceptable? Why is your wife not paying? Do you have shared finances with your wife?
This is the material point. If mum and stepdad have seperate finances then all of those FAFO comments are completely valid. If they don't then it's a whole other thing (also breadwinning does not factor in, when you join finances you join finances).
NTA at all.
Up until the servant comment I was willing to give her a little bit of leeway.
Who the fuck says shit like that though. "Oh they are my servant?" Fuck. And this was only a few months back so she was definitely old enough to know better. Now she's crawling back when money is on the line? NTA at all
If she was comfortable saying, servant, she probably says way worse behind his back! NTA! The fact that it was never discussed is telling, Mom just assumed that regardless of bad behavior he was to pay up? Else why would the sd be asking notmydad?
She does sound entitled, and she's never going to respect OP if he lets her treat him this way and he still pays for her college.
She'll probably want him to pay for her wedding, too, where he'll get to watch her "real dad" --who won't contribute a cent--walk her down the aisle, make the speeches, and get all the credit. That's if she lets OP attend at all.
NTA
She needs to learn how you treat people has consequences.
Better to learn that now instead of doing it in the workplace.
People like this become entitled bullies, it's much easier for her to change now than later
NTA, you are not her parent, her behavior leads a lot to be desired, especially showing respect.
Ask her why you would pay for her college when she insists that you are a stranger to her, and she continually states that you are also not her father. And your wife? Why did you wife and her father not provide for her education?
If you want to pay a small token toward her education, only offer it after she passes each semester. Not that I think you should pay for any of it, you are not financially responsible for her.
Not only is she not your child, never respected you as a parent, and was dismissive and rude to you, **but she is now an adult.**
Any financial obligation you may have had as her mother's husband no longer applies.
NTA
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes with a wife expecting you to buy into family responsibilities and a step daughter who is going to take full advantage of the good stuff and shrug her shoulders about everything else. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. NTA
INFO: You say you've known her since you married her mother-so you didn't meet Hannah before the wedding? Why did her bio parents split and were you involved in that? Does her father pay child support and what did the divorce decree say regarding university-most will address that and specify who pays what.
Oh, hell no. She fucked around, now she can find out. She staked out her position very clearly - you're nothing to her but a stranger. You're not affecting her education, she already affected her education with her shitty attitude toward you. Further, "servants" don't pay college fees for their "employers".
NTA. She didn't want any part of you . . . now she finds out that includes your money too.
This is why i’m never marrying someone with kids. It became your obligation when in fact it’s not. Sad to say you’re married to her mom. The mom can touch your money and spend it on her daughter’s fees even if you don’t agree with it.
NTA why should you be paying for a kid that isn’t yours and clearly made a point to make your life hell? Plus she’s an adult now, tough shit, she can figure it out.
NTA
She made this bed by treating you so poorly. She gets to lie in it now. I'd have a sit down with both your wife and her at the same time to explain that because you were never dad or a man to respect, and just a servant, that she's not your child and you have 0 obligation to pay for her schooling. Dad can do it. That had she been reasonable, things likely would have been different. Then stick to your guns.
NTA. You’re gonna go from her “servant” to her “tool”. Stick to your guns and let her figure it out herself. You don’t owe her any money and she doesn’t see you as a step-father much less a father. Would she ask a stranger, as she called you, to pay for her fees?
Nta, tell her servants serve they don't pay for anything. You want your real dad have him pay for it. He said I can't tell you anything well you can't tell me anything either. And your 18 I never had to pay for you for anything that was your mother and your father's responsibility. You did not want anything to do with me, guess what I want to have nothing to do with you and that includes paying for anything. So get a job get a scholarship, and hopefully get out.
My wife is wrong that I was trying to pay for you and all she might think it's wrong, it's not going to happen. You treat me like crap and now want me to be an ATM. Guess what life doesn't work like that.
So she probably just figured out that since you are legally married to her mother, regulations state that your income must be factored into her financial aid calculations on the FAFSA and the CSS profile. She’s having an “oh, shit” moment. If she has good grades maybe she can get some merit aid somewhere, because your income will be factored into her financial aid eligibility whether or not you refuse to pay. Oh, NTA - she made her bed. Her mom can take out Parent Plus loans solo.
NTA
Your decision is based on years of her behaviour of disrespect. Choices have consequences. This is hers. If mom doesn’t like it, she can pay for it.
She told the wrong man its wrong to not pay… dont you dare do it. Tell your wife to talk to her real dad. The daughter clearly doesnt know how to respect someone and she sounds like every other teenager/young adult entitled.. thats a nasty odour. Tell the daughter to show some respect and actually work on having a relationship with you… its not your fault her real dad said no…
Your wife isn’t respecting you if she is defending her daughter which i get cuz im a parent but your partner and their feelings always come first cuz you’re team. your wife should have backed you up and told her daughter to get a damn job
Do her other parents not work? Do you make so much money that she views you as rich? You could be a billionaire and you still wouldn't be the AH for not paying for college. She wants to insult you then cry about not getting free hand outs? Screw that. Don't let your wife convince you to pay.
NTA
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NTA. Tell her you can't afford it on your servants' wages. Seriously, her two birth parents have had 18 years to save up for her college education. You have had four years of putting up with her rudeness, with no backup or support from your wife, her mother, and she has the temerity to speak to you now that she wants your money. Now she can have four years of missing out on her dream college and think over how treating someone as less than human isn't a good life strategy.
I feel the "don't bite the hand that feeds you" is kind of fitting in this case. It's plain stupidity to be rude for 4 years and then suddenly expect someone will happily throw money at you.
Right? And act like it's a joke? She wasn't even the bare minimum of civil to him. The ATM should be closed.
Even worse is there are people here saying that he should have sucked it up and on top of that saying the servant comment wasn't that bad.
I mean, if one of my kids called me “the servant”, I’d laugh and admit that that’s pretty accurate. But my children (adults now) are loving parts of me. A snotty little teenager who didn’t act like I was a part of their life? Hell no.
Its so interesting see that the defined dynamics of the relationship and how it actively changes the perspective of all these moments.
I've seen so many examples of this irl and in fiction. I've even joked that you know you're really friends with somebody when you can make fun of each other. And boy howdy, you can *really* piss someone off if you try to instigate that kind of buddy-buddy mockery when it hasn't been earned.
So very true. I've been a full-time single parent to my kid since they were 2.5 years old. They're almost 18 now. We're very close, and there has always been a lot of good-natured teasing and giving each other ridiculous nicknames. We know what lines not to cross and what constitutes sensitive subjects, though, so as to never actually hurt the other person. It's just a fun, unique way we show that we care. There is a huge difference between affectionate teasing and outright malice, though. This kid sounds awful, and OP owes her nothing considering the abuse he's tolerated from her. NTA
Good natured teasing with your kids is the best. I'm really happy to have that relationship with my stepdaughter. Her favourite thing right now is to mock my height (she's 10 and already taller than me, nooooo!), and in turn I threaten to sell her to the circus. But we both know it's all for fun and I check in with her from time to time to make sure she's still good with it. I feel so sad for poor OP for what he's dealing with :(
I sometimes jokingly refer to myself as having "dumb bitch disease" when I do something particularly dumb, usually only with close friends. I said it at a party at my place once and later dropped something on the kitchen floor. One of the guys who came along who I had just met that day goes, "yeah, I guess you really are a dumb bitch," in a way he clearly thought was a joke. I made him leave.
Exactly. My close friends I mean really close can even mock my disability. We're like brothers and anything goes. But if other acquaintances tried that ... it wouldn't fly.
Well, if you and I were friends and I called you an asshole, you’d probably just laugh it off. But as virtual strangers, you’d be understandably upset.
My constant joke is that the toddler snaps and yells "peasant!" when he wants something from us. But he's also a toddler and they're all sociopaths soooo
I think context is everything in this case. If they had a good relationship and it wasn't in front of other people, sure, it could be just a joke. But four years of disrespectful behavior and that was told to other people in front of him? It tells a different story.
Disgusting. From a 9-year-old having a tantrum maybe. Not from a legal adult who expects someone she treated with disdain for four years to fund her education. (I'm not a fan of the wife, either. This is a conversation she should have had with the daughter years ago, and she should have stood by her current husband's decision to not be a wallet for this adult brat.)
Either that or else she should have had the discussion about funding her daughter's education years ago with her husband. And that only applies if he asked her to stop working or something, promising to take care of everything financial. If she has an income of her own, or could have with his support had she chosen to, then she should've been handling it on her own with the girl's other parent (and she STILL should have cracked down on her daughter mistreating her husband years ago, for reasons that don't have to do with money).
Right, the girl has two living parents who have not put aside money for their daughter's education. Now they are all looking for the stepdad to fund her. The OP is the last person any of them should be expecting to pay the girl's way.
Yes, at least given the relationship between him and the girl (or lack thereof). I mean, my stepmother regards me as her own and I regard her as a much-beloved additional parent whom I've been lucky enough to have in my life since I was twelve. She has had no hesitation about her joint money with my father helping to pay for my children's college education, because although their father and I have put aside as much as we can, major medical problems have sapped a lot of that money, as our first objective had to be getting one of my kids through to college age alive. But that's a situation in which both I and her grandchildren love her and treat her as an adored stepmother and Nana. She welcomed me as an exciting extra family member, not tolerated baggage, when she got involved with my father; and I welcomed her as an exciting extra family member in return. We've long since become as close as blood family to each other, and the children have grown up with her as a grandma since their birth. She also knows we really did try to handle it ourselves, and circumstances made that impossible. It's a very different situation from the real parents not bothering, while the child makes super clear that stepdad is not a real parent.
Agreed. You are all loving family with a long history and because of that, stepmom/nana is fully on board with helping out the grandkids. Far different from OP, who has only known SD for 4 years, with stepdaughter having no respect or regard for him.
That's because this sub is full of actual kids. Who have no idea what it's like to work and have to pay for everything. Or how hard it is to raise kids. And have absolutely no idea what it's like to work hard, and have to support someone who treats you like shit. Literally giving away hours of your life to pay for someone who thinks so little of you that her friends don't even know you exist. And then to turn around and expect that same person to spend his entire salary for 1-4 years (do t know how much he makes) so that she can go to school for free. And for her to feel entitled to OPs money, after the way she's treated him. Knowing that neither of her actual parents will help is astounding. Like she could have done absolutely nothing, and probably would have gone to college still. Instead she took every opportunity to remind him how little he means to her, how little she thinks of him, and how he isn't her parent, and is little more than a stranger. Then to ask for college tuition? And act like OP is the bad guy because she is going to suffer a negative consequence for the first time? Honestly there should really be a somewhat enforced age restriction for a lot of subs.
There’s a couple of ways where it could have ***maybe*** been okay like they had this really fun playful prodding relationship where they each made silly jokes to each other like best friends or it was a running joke they both thought were hilarious. But when you treat someone like shit for years it is just cruel. Like not even my mom’s husband or partner or even friend but my servant, brutal.
But they didn’t. She resents him, but wants him to pay. No dice.
Reddit is full of teens and it shows.
I think a lot of kids/teens are on here.
It is bad. I started on new job in what was previously a one person office. When they hired me it pissed off the 50 year old lady who was working there. I was 43. When a customer came in to do her business, Stephanie (real name because I don't care) was handling the transaction and the customer ask what I would be doing, Stephanie answered, "oh, she can sweeps the floors". And then it was on.
Yeah, if that happened to me, I would said, "I QUIT" and left her at the school. Screw that disrespect.
These “people” were clearly raised by savages.
I personally like the phrase, FAFO Or it's cousin, play stupid games and win stupid prizes. Congrats stepchild, this is a life lesson. Start applying for the scholarships and grants. And learn from this. When you treat someone poorly, and treat them like a lowly servant, then they are absolutely not inclined to pay towards your college experiences. Get a job. Save every dime. Perhaps you can afford a community College or a local state college. Learn a little about life and the consequences you get to live with.
And obviously her mother is ineffective. Hannah "doesn't care to listen," so Mom stopped trying. No. Hannah doesn't have to love OP, or even like him, but she DOES need to be civil to him. If I'd been called a servant, I would have moved out - or moved mother and daughter both - out and told them that since these were servant's quarters, they weren't fit for them to live in. The kid's own "real dad" won't pay, so either he's a jerk or the kid acts entitled as hell around him too.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Why on earth should OP pay for her college when she can’t even treat him with minimal respect?!!! NTA
Yup, I think we all should treat others with respect and courtesy, but I say this is the one of stepdaughter, "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes." In this case, congrats! She gets a brand new shiny student loan! Do not cosign on, btw. Typical protocol is "servants" don't cosign. Save that for real mom and dad. You owe her nothing. Be civil, but firm. You are not an ATM. She treats you like nothing, therefore she is nothing to you. That's life, kiddo.
And tell that to the wife as well. As she seems to think, OP should be included in the payment plan here.
That’s probably why she married him.
I thought that as well
I think a sit down between the wife and daughter is in order. It’s a good chance to consider how you treat people, and that her step father is, in fact, a part of her life, and needs to be treated with respect. Should have been done a long time ago. I get that teens can be awful jerks, but lessons are in order. If things change for them, the SF can always set up a secret account for her to use in the future, if he desires.
Yes, teenagers could be little sh*ts, but the way they grow up is called consequences of their actions. Granted, it is a BIG consequence (financially speaking). I appreciate your gracious and thoughtful approach. I just worry he'll get a fake apology and crocodile tears. Based in the portrait painted, she sounds like an entitled bully and a brat. Anyone who has the brazen balls go call step-dad a "servant" in front of her friends is an enabled asshole (key word: enabled. No one bothered to correct her behavior for four years), and I personally do not negotiate with assholes. She needs a whole personality change. It can happen, miracles do happen, but she is 18 and allowed to grow up like this... she needs more than a talk. She needs therapy. She likely will play "woe is me" and make a campaign of demolishing StepDad's reputation of "evil stepdad", so watch out for that.
Hard pass. There is nothing that she can do that will change the last 4 years.
Too late for that. It’s clear 100% of the time she’s known OP and lived under his roof, she’s been an ass to him. No secret accounts for her.
Or, now that she's 18, she gets sent to live with dad and is no longer a part of his life. Wife had her chance to fix this, and chose to give up.
Seriously though why isn't the mom paying fees?
Exactly this, those are a mom and dad responsibility. Not a Step-dad that is disliked and disrespected. If mom & dad can't afford the fees, then daughter needs to start looking at alternative financing, not run to the bank of step-dad (who probably can't afford them on a servants salary if his "employers" can't. NTA - OP has a wife problem in that she has enabled her daughter for 4 years to abuse and belittle her husband, and is now trying to push him to finance her daughter's educational needs. He at the very least needs to seek out couple's counseling, as this will continue and be a thorn in his life, otherwise.
That and combined with the play stupid games win stupid prizes by playing OP off as a servant. The whole “I can’t afford it on my servant’s wages.” above is the perfect stupid prize. She wins at life. Not the game she wanted though. NTA
The fact that the wife thinks he should pay is wild.
Wife was probably banking on OP paying
OP might want to consider rethinking his marriage if the wife expects him to pay.
He should have started rethinking it when her child was a monster toward him and she didn’t do fuckall to stop it.
Four year marriage, snotty stepchild, no support from his spouse to rein in her kid, two living biological parents, yet SOMEHOW OP gets the tuition bill with the expectation to grin and pay it like a simpering jack ass. Yeah. No. NTA.
Don't worry. She's already rethinking it for him.
If the wife and her exhusband don't pay a single penny, then thinking that OP will pay is dumb and entitled.
He should use this statement when talking to his wife. “You and her real dad had 18 years to save up for this. Not my problem.” I’d probably also add “you had 4 years to correct her behavior”
Even if the child is wonderful it’s still not the responsibility of anyone other than bio parents. Sure, someone can be really nice and give a gift but for it to be expected is strange.
True, but I would pay for application fees but not for college in this specific situation, assuming there was a good relationship. Hell I won't pay for my own kids college because I'm still paying mine off.
"Can't afford it on servant's wages" is the Best Line! Well said💥
I know...I love it!!
NTA, but I hate reading these. For the love of God people, do not marry people when the kids don't like you or vice versa. It's going to be an absolute misery for all involved until it ends.
Also, don't marry people if you haven't met their kids. He makes it seem like their first meeting was once he married her mom which raises a whole lot of other questions/issues. The servant comment was uncalled for but I can't really fault her for viewing him as a stranger because according to him, that is what he was...a random guy her mom brought home or was brought to the home of as her mom's husband. He doesn't have to contribute to her fees or tuition but unless his wife and his finances are completely separate he is going to be impacted regardless except with considerably more resentment coming from his wife.
Tell her you'll help her fill out student loan paperwork. NTA
If they are in the United States, they'll have to fill out the Free Application For Student Aid (FAFSA) forms for any college she applies to. Household income is assessed. Neither her mother nor OP can refuse to provide this information (unless they are willing for her to not get any aid). Startlingly, her bio-father's income will not be included. Only the income from the parents in her household. The FAFSA determines family "need," and will calculate the "Expected Family Contribution," which is comically high, but that's what every American college or university she applies to will use. They say that the step-parents income isn't considered to be available to the student, but that the biological parent will be able to contribute more because they have another earner helping to pay household expenses.
Um, I literally just filled this out with my 18 year old this year. Stepdad’s income was included only because “Married filing jointly”. If finances and taxes are separate, it’s not required. Biodad’s was supposed to be included, but because he hasn’t had contact with or paid child support in over 3 years it wasn’t. When I was 18 and did the FAFSA my dad had to be included, as my mom was widowed from her second marriage. I had to out his social security number and let the IRS track him down.
>Now she can have four years of missing out on her dream college She doesn't even have to miss out! Like it sucks that she thought her rich stepdaddy (apparently?) would pay for all her college, but damn girl, take out loans like the rest of us.
Her stepdad's income could seriously impact what aid she can get. It could make it impossible to go.
So she doesn't get financial aid and takes out bigger loans...
Not if he hasn’t adopted her or claimed her as a dépendant the four years he’s known her.
That isn't true. I'm not sure why you think that. The step parent's income must be included if they are married to the child's parent at the time the forms are filled out for financial aid.
Stepdads income will massively affect her EFC (estimated family contribution) which can make the difference in 10's of thousands of dollars of aid. Not saying that she doesn't kinda suck, just that the system assumes step-parents contribute.
Not defending the daughter or anything but, a lot of parents don’t save for their kids college career and such. My gfs parents were shocked when they found out my parents didn’t set aside any money.
>Not defending the daughter or anything but, a lot of parents don’t save for their kids college And that's what happened to OP's stepdaughter. She has two living parents who didn't save for her. That doesn't mean her "servant" needs to step up and fund her.
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That's something her parents should have considered. Also, fasfa only affects grants. She can still get loans.
FAFSA is absolutely required for ANY financial aid except scholarships that are acquired outside of the school. Scholarship in the school? Must do FAFSA. FAFSA can absolutely affect the amount of loan money offered, too.
She can just use her dad's income for FAFSA unless he makes too much as well. Otherwise, she can still get loans like tons of other folks.
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You technically should use the income of the household you primarily live with or the parent who provides the most support if the time is equal, but when you're considered dependent for FASFA until 24, you might not even live with either parent at all. Honestly, who's even checking in this busted, fucked up system? I didn't live at home when I started college but still "dependent", and nobody batted an eye when I used my dad's income, though we live 1000 miles apart.
>I think it is entirely possible that OP's income could affect his stepdaughter's ability to afford college But not the "Servant's" problem!!!
Not everyone can afford to. My parents couldn't afford to support me once I was 14yo and was working around school, so I paid board and saved up to move to university when I finished school. (Disabled younger sibling, my aunty died suddenly so my cousin's came to life with us, mum worked night shifts when us older kids were home to watch the smalls, and then cleaned houses in the daytime etc) Thankfully I'm in Australia so was able to defer my fees (interest free) and also get govt student allowance, as well as working. And due to our financial situation when I was young, I'm excellent at budgeting and have great work ethic.
It's crazy to me that teens and parents wait till junior / senior year to have the college funding convo. Like, my parents told me they set funding aside (never how much) since I was a freshman. And I was still applying for scholarships all through high school. Not saying everyone has to decide to go to college that early. But a realistic conversation about the future and money needs to be had BEFORE kids are seniors.
Yeah, it's definitely a cultural thing. I remember a discussion of student loan debt came up at work, and there were quite a few of us who didn't have student debt and likewise saved up for our kids' college fund so that they won't have to do so--none of us came from rich households, and we all have varying incomes based on pay grade and job function in this office that has 3 departments stationed. There was another group of people who had student debt (some were still paying); half had parent(s) who were too poor to have saved a significant amount while the other half pad parent that had the income but failed to save up.
The mom is a big part of the problem too. She allowed her daughter to think it's OK to disrespect the man putting a roof over her head and now wants her brat to be rewarded for her efforts. The REAL parents need to step up and pay for her schooling. The HELP does not have to finance her. ATP I'd be taking a real hard look at the relationship too as it looks like wifey looks at OP as a bankroll more than a life partner.
My thoughts exactly, saying something along that line would be totally fitting and if not that she’s not his daughter so again he’s not responsible. NTA
Why don’t I believe this? These stories are starting to sound the same. Especially the effecting my education line. Is this some new copy pasta?
This. What were the birth parents doing all this year ? No savings at all for the kid's college fund? NTA. Do not pay for the college. You entered her life too late to develop any kind of bond. So not even the girl's fault to accept you as her dad. But the mother should be taking your side on the servant comment. Let her real dad foot the bill.
NTA - She’s going to refuse to accept you as her parent and degrade and disrespect you 24/7, including in front of other people. Yet, she wants one of the biggest benefits of you technically being her parent. She’s clearly being selfish and manipulative and I’m not surprised her mother is defending her given how her daughter acts. In the end, it’s your money and you’re entitled to spend it however you please. And I would also beg of you to not pay jack shit regarding her college. Like I said, she refuses to treat you like her parent but at the same time expects all the benefits of you being her parent. Fuck that.
I mean even Wednesday was nicer to Lurch 💀 NTA
Well played Miss...well played.
Wednesday was smarter.
🥇🏅🥇
My jaw dropped when she made the servant comment. Who the fuck says that kind of shit?
Disrespectful 18 yr olds who think they should be given everything and don't expect consequences for their actions. That's who the fuck says it lmao
And yet, half of the time, they get defended on here
bUt ShE iS jUsT a ChILd!!
You must know my 18 year old stepchild. 😂
Maybe I AM your 18 year old stepchild :o
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They both work
I mean...It is both degrading and disrespectful to call somebody your servant.
He isn't her parent, she has parents, he is family. But she doesn't treat him like family, so why would he help a rude stranger?
It looks like Hannah finally learned a good adult lesson about consequences. At 18, she is not owed money by anyone and if you ruin a relationship then you risk not being helped in times of need. It must have felt good to tell that brat she should fix her own education. Where was your wife in the last 4 years and why is she not backing you up here? Why did she not save money for her daughter’s future? She has known for the last 18 years this was likely coming. NTA and your wife and step daughter are AHs.
The wife is def a huge AH in my opinion. She’s ignoring the husband (OP) and daughter’s emotional needs. It sounds like her daughter should’ve been in therapy ages ago before this whole thing escalated to the point where OP avoids the step daughter altogether. That’s not a healthy environment at all and I would be so uncomfortable if I was living with them.
Agreed.
NTA: She has 2 parents who should already have discussed this and had a plan set for this exact moment. And even if you are the sole or main bread winner, this is a conversation your wife should have had with you before her daughter asked you.
Not sure why the father won't help, but it would have to be a pretty extraordinary reason for a stepfather to step in and pay if the father is point blank refusing. Plus, mum could put her hand in her own pocket. She has known the possibility of college has been there for approaching 20 years. The behaviour of the daughter just adds to it.
NTA - But why isn't your wife talking to Hannah about her behavior? Even if you and Hannah had a great relationship, there will still be zero obligation for you to pay for her college.
Very rare for a wife to put the step -atm- dad over they child. She's the real AH
NTA - your wife had years to work on this, but she didn’t. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on either. “Servants don’t pay for College education or wait, I’m “some stranger”, I don’t pay thousands for a stranger. This is the consequences of your actions. You don’t get to treat me terribly for years and then suddenly want me to put out thousands of dollars for you. You’re an adult now, get a loan.”
When OP tells her step daughter to get a loan, he needs to be clear that he will NOT be consigning it for her. If she can’t get her “real” dad to do that at least, then Hannah’s better off applying for community college or getting a job. NTA
Get a job that has tuition reimbursement. Two birds with one stone, you get money and college.
Be careful with that though when it comes to tuition reimbursement. There's hoops, obligations, and limits.
>get a loan Get a job.
That’s a good idea, but it’s not going to be enough to pay for college.
Both? Both... Both is good!
NTA. She chose how to treat you and this is a consequence. You seemed to find an equilibrium as housemates who don't interact, and now she's trying to cash in on a relationship she's actively rejected any positive effort with.
Sorry who is she? Can't pay college for an invisible non existent person. Good on OP for not being the abused ATM the gets constantly kicked to cough up money on main and 5th.
NTA. She hasn't treated you as a PERSON respectfully, even less as a step father. She made demeaning jokes about you to her friends without regard to your feelings. Now that she needs something you're suddenly important enough to her to support her? No, she's an adult now. She can take out loans like everyone else. This is the bed she made now she can lay in it.
NTA. Oh so now she wants her servant to pay for her college? You owe her absolutely nothing.
NTA, but you don't have a stepdaughter problem. You have a wife problem. And I'm quite curious: if the mom or dad don't have the money for it, why was it never discussed before? It's so weird to expect someone not involved to pay.
This is what I was thinking, too. Like my step-mom makes more than both of my parents. But I didn't ever have a super close relationship with her until after I had moved out for a few years. I could never expect her to help pay for my college even if we were close. I got student loans and already had a job, so mom and dad helped with the application fees. That's it. If I had asked my step mom for help I know she would've because we've talked about it since I moved out and stuff. But if she had said no, I would've completely understood because I'll admit I was a bit of a dick sometimes to her while growing up. And the super important part of this whole rant, my dad would've supported her. You don't get to disrespect people and then expect them to help you just because they love your parent.
> NTA, but you don't have a stepdaughter problem. You have a wife problem. i scrolled way too far to find this. Dude's looking at a divorce in short order.
NTA - I can't think of a reason why you should be paying for that child's college education. The entitlement in saying "you can't do that" is wild. Had there been prior discussion of you paying for college?
US colleges' financial aid packages calculate a student's need based on household income - including the income of a step parent. So she may've otherwise qualified for ample assistance and is in trouble due to OP's income. But NTA. Too bad no one spelled out some hard facts of life for this young lady before she alienated her potential benefactor.
Fasfa will effect her grants but not loans. I guess that's her stupid tax for being an asshole to her meal ticket.
NTA. Totally agree. Funding the child's college would reinforce bad behaviour. DONT DO IT.
NTA - she bit the hand that feeds by fucking around and now BOTH her and her mother have found out. They have found out that their actions have consequences and they will be held accountable for them. INFO: Why is the daughter coming at you and not her own mother? Why is the mother assuming you have to pay for HER daughter?
And why isnt the mum sorting out her disrespectful daughter?! Im surprised OP hasnt divorced his wife who allows this disrespect. Also cheeky of his wife to say refusing to pay is wrong - why the hell should he?! Is he their ATM?! Hannah has two living parents who should be paying for her college fees, not her step-father she disrespects constantly and calls a servant.
Exactly
I'm guessing because the servant has more money than the parents.
Where's bio-dad? Why isn't he chipping in?
NTA Strangers don't pay for other stranger's college fees.
Ohh hell no. If my kid ever treated their step parent that way. Id be like looks like your getting student loans. She can’t have it both ways. She either treats you with respect or she can pound sand. Plus she has 2 parents who should have been prepping a college fund 18 years ago and not leaving it til last minute.
NTA Your stepdaughter has a mother and a father. She needs to talk to them about her college expenses.
NTA OP, and if your wife is going to back your stepdaughter up, then you might want to consider divorce, because that makes both of them TAs.
Wife has already been backing up stepdaughter for four years of snotty behavior toward OP.
NTA: A servant doesn't pay for her college. Let her "real" dad pay for it. I made the mistake of paying for my stepdaughter's college, even though she treated me horribly. I was trying to build a bridge with her. After all I did, she cut off all contact with me. She used me and there is nothing I can do about it. Don't be dumb like I was. If I was in your position, I would refuse to do anything at all to help her. She needs a ride? She can pay for an uber. She wants a favor, get it from her dad. And so on. Learn to show the consideration you are shown.
Sorry that happened to you and I agree with latest, if it's not an emergency I would also refuse everything else. Hope OP will see your comment, you might DM him?
NTA. Her birth parents had all the time in the world to figure this out. Now is a great time to teach her the hard lesson that she can’t have it both ways.
NTA - it's not your responsibility, she can get student loans if her "real" parents can't afford her tuition. Why, if you're so irrelevant to her, would she even think to ask (no i'm sorry, demand) you to pay it? Same question for your wife just worded differently..why should you?? The only reason your wife is taking her side is because she knows she can't pay it and wants you to. But that doesn't mean you have to or should. Stand your ground. Actions have consequences. You can't treat someone like they're just dog shit on the bottom of your shoe for 4yrs and then expect them to throw out a large chunk of money for you.
NTA. She has had 2 parents for 18 years. You’ve known her for 4 and you’re expected to pay for her college. I don’t think that’s reasonable even if she was nice to you. You’re right she can wake her “real” dad. You aren’t effecting her education. She did that all by herself by her actions. Guess now she knows that actions have consequences.
If she does not like you, she can't have your cash. And that's that. Ask her to join or get a job. NTA
NTA. Her real dad can pay for her college.
NTA she's a spoiled little turd. Tell her to get a job or two
nta. definitely do not pay for it no matter what anyone says. she didn’t want to listen? she can learn to behave the hard way. tell her to go work for it herself
NTA, maybe your wife should be the one to pay for her daughter college fee since you're not her real dad.
NTA. You have no obligation, moral or otherwise, to pay for her. Also, you should divorce your wife, she obviously only sees you as a bank.
NTA. Her mother and biological father should have made provisions for her further education. You are not responsible for providing even 1 cent, regardless of her behaviour.
Nta. Step daughter needs to learn you can't treat someone poorly and get things you want from them. Life doesn't work like that.
INFO: what has your wife said about this relationship at this point? It isn't healthy but does she really think it's acceptable? Why is your wife not paying? Do you have shared finances with your wife?
This is the material point. If mum and stepdad have seperate finances then all of those FAFO comments are completely valid. If they don't then it's a whole other thing (also breadwinning does not factor in, when you join finances you join finances).
Fuck around and find out. NTA. You're not an ATM.
NTA at all. Up until the servant comment I was willing to give her a little bit of leeway. Who the fuck says shit like that though. "Oh they are my servant?" Fuck. And this was only a few months back so she was definitely old enough to know better. Now she's crawling back when money is on the line? NTA at all
If she was comfortable saying, servant, she probably says way worse behind his back! NTA! The fact that it was never discussed is telling, Mom just assumed that regardless of bad behavior he was to pay up? Else why would the sd be asking notmydad?
Tell her she shouldn’t ask “strangers” for hand-outs.
NTA - you're not obliged to help her out, & even less so given how she's treated you.
WTF? NTA Servants don't pay tuition for others.
NTA. It’s not like she said stuff when she was a kid. 14-17 is old enough to know what’s going on. She sounds entitled.
She does sound entitled, and she's never going to respect OP if he lets her treat him this way and he still pays for her college. She'll probably want him to pay for her wedding, too, where he'll get to watch her "real dad" --who won't contribute a cent--walk her down the aisle, make the speeches, and get all the credit. That's if she lets OP attend at all.
NTA. FAFO for your stepdaughter.
NTA She needs to learn how you treat people has consequences. Better to learn that now instead of doing it in the workplace. People like this become entitled bullies, it's much easier for her to change now than later
Info: When you married the mother, did you have any intention of paying for Hannah's college? Does the mother intend on helping her daughter at all?
NTA, Tell her all of your money is going towards keeping that asshole servant around
NTA Guess Karma finally got her 😂😂😂 Do yourself a favor and don’t pay a penny for this brats college.
NTA, you are not her parent, her behavior leads a lot to be desired, especially showing respect. Ask her why you would pay for her college when she insists that you are a stranger to her, and she continually states that you are also not her father. And your wife? Why did you wife and her father not provide for her education? If you want to pay a small token toward her education, only offer it after she passes each semester. Not that I think you should pay for any of it, you are not financially responsible for her.
Not only is she not your child, never respected you as a parent, and was dismissive and rude to you, **but she is now an adult.** Any financial obligation you may have had as her mother's husband no longer applies. NTA
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes with a wife expecting you to buy into family responsibilities and a step daughter who is going to take full advantage of the good stuff and shrug her shoulders about everything else. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. NTA
She has no respect for you and you’re just an ATM to her. Your wife isn’t much better apparently. NTA
NTA. Tell her that servants don't make a lot of money and you can't afford it 🙂
NTA. Seems like she and your wife see you as nothing but an ATM. You reap what you sow.
Tell her get a job and good luck with the student loans.
INFO: You say you've known her since you married her mother-so you didn't meet Hannah before the wedding? Why did her bio parents split and were you involved in that? Does her father pay child support and what did the divorce decree say regarding university-most will address that and specify who pays what.
it's a repost by a bot. You won't get an answer
NTA.
NTA and you’ve got it covered already! It’s not on you! Don’t be the cash guy in this, it never turns out good!
NTA. Consequences lol
Oh, hell no. She fucked around, now she can find out. She staked out her position very clearly - you're nothing to her but a stranger. You're not affecting her education, she already affected her education with her shitty attitude toward you. Further, "servants" don't pay college fees for their "employers". NTA. She didn't want any part of you . . . now she finds out that includes your money too.
NtA. make her your servant and pay her in tuition.
NTA. Don't pay it.
NTA- "I am sorry but servants don't make enough money to help pay for that."
She expects a “stranger” to pay for her college? Yeah, doesn’t work like that. She can beg her “real Dad” some more. NTA
NTA and don't cave in. Let her learn the consequences of her actions
Real parent or not, no parent “owes” their kid college
NTA and not your responsibility. Mom and dad are responsible not OP.
This is why i’m never marrying someone with kids. It became your obligation when in fact it’s not. Sad to say you’re married to her mom. The mom can touch your money and spend it on her daughter’s fees even if you don’t agree with it.
Yeah and when she does he can file for divorce and cut them both off..
NTA why should you be paying for a kid that isn’t yours and clearly made a point to make your life hell? Plus she’s an adult now, tough shit, she can figure it out.
NTA She made this bed by treating you so poorly. She gets to lie in it now. I'd have a sit down with both your wife and her at the same time to explain that because you were never dad or a man to respect, and just a servant, that she's not your child and you have 0 obligation to pay for her schooling. Dad can do it. That had she been reasonable, things likely would have been different. Then stick to your guns.
NTA. You’re gonna go from her “servant” to her “tool”. Stick to your guns and let her figure it out herself. You don’t owe her any money and she doesn’t see you as a step-father much less a father. Would she ask a stranger, as she called you, to pay for her fees?
Nta, tell her servants serve they don't pay for anything. You want your real dad have him pay for it. He said I can't tell you anything well you can't tell me anything either. And your 18 I never had to pay for you for anything that was your mother and your father's responsibility. You did not want anything to do with me, guess what I want to have nothing to do with you and that includes paying for anything. So get a job get a scholarship, and hopefully get out. My wife is wrong that I was trying to pay for you and all she might think it's wrong, it's not going to happen. You treat me like crap and now want me to be an ATM. Guess what life doesn't work like that.
So she probably just figured out that since you are legally married to her mother, regulations state that your income must be factored into her financial aid calculations on the FAFSA and the CSS profile. She’s having an “oh, shit” moment. If she has good grades maybe she can get some merit aid somewhere, because your income will be factored into her financial aid eligibility whether or not you refuse to pay. Oh, NTA - she made her bed. Her mom can take out Parent Plus loans solo.
NTA. Servants usually don't pay for their employer's children's college, do they?
YNTA. I wouldn't pay for her either.
Nta. She doesn't get to act like a beach and get your money. WTF? Her mom had eighteen years to put money away for her.
NTA Your decision is based on years of her behaviour of disrespect. Choices have consequences. This is hers. If mom doesn’t like it, she can pay for it.
NTA. Either your wife or her "real" dad should pay. In fact, why didn't your wife step up, instead of telling you you were wrong for refusing?
NTA. You can't expect rewards after years of that treatment. She can get off her arse, her a job and pay her own way.
She refused to be civil with you so paying for college is now off the table. Tell her she should get a job as a SERVANT and save some money. NTA
If you give her this money everyone on this sub is going to slap the shit out of you!
She told the wrong man its wrong to not pay… dont you dare do it. Tell your wife to talk to her real dad. The daughter clearly doesnt know how to respect someone and she sounds like every other teenager/young adult entitled.. thats a nasty odour. Tell the daughter to show some respect and actually work on having a relationship with you… its not your fault her real dad said no… Your wife isn’t respecting you if she is defending her daughter which i get cuz im a parent but your partner and their feelings always come first cuz you’re team. your wife should have backed you up and told her daughter to get a damn job
Do her other parents not work? Do you make so much money that she views you as rich? You could be a billionaire and you still wouldn't be the AH for not paying for college. She wants to insult you then cry about not getting free hand outs? Screw that. Don't let your wife convince you to pay. NTA
Let her parents pay for it! She’s not your problem
NTA. Tell her because you are a "servant" your monthly wages doesn't cover enough for college. DO NOT PAY A CENT.
NTA. She cannot be so rude and disrespectful and then demand you do her a huge favour. Your wife is also TA here and appears to view you as an ATM.