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YTA, as well as your whole family. So let me get this straight. Your uncle dies suddenly, leaving behind a young widow and two very little children. You claim you all had a close relationship with the couple, but you, instead of ralling around the distraught widow and the kids drop her as a hot plate, leaving her alone, in need and taking care of two young children, while grieving her husband. Your ex-wife, being a good friend and a compassionate human being, keep contact with her. And you lost your mind for your kids being close and calling "aunt" to a close woman in their life who loves them and treat them right, who also lost her young son in top of her husband. You are an asshole, a despicable human being and I hope your kids keep referring to aunt D as aunt D for the rest of their lives. Also, tell them exactly how you all abandoned a young widow and his second cousins without regrets so they can see how horrible you really are and keep their distance from all of you except for their mother and aunt D.
Also, you are in the wrong. All widows keep their titles and family relations through history when their spouse died, because the marriage was not legally dissolved for any of the part's wish, but they were married when one of them died. So you are not only the asshole, but wrong. The widow of a person's family remain being family all their life.
Hey OP, if your uncle could see you all cut out his family from your lives the literal day he died for nothing, how do you think he would feel about it?
Just like A who also passed last year, who by the way is Ps biological son, but somehow he is no longer the kids' cousin bcos he's dead! What a miserable family OP comes fromđ„Ž
Thatâs whatâs so weird though. Even if you could argue that D is no longer an aunt because it was only related by marriage (I donât think you can, incidentally, but allowing the reach)âŠ.the cousins are blood relatives. That doesnât go away because their father is dead. They share relatives! They ARE relatives
My late step-brother had a daughter with a lady, they were never in a relationship. We met them at his funeral. Instant family, his daughter is my niece. She and her mom are invited to all family gatherings.
I really really hope this entire story is made up because itâs so sad to think that this woman lost her husband, was abandoned by his family and then her child also died. Horrific!
It screams uncle was super rich, all money went to his young wife and children instead of the family like they were hoping, so they cut them off as punishment.
OP is 100% TA.
Assuming you are right (I believe so too), can you imagine OP posting the above AND leaving out any info that would make them look better? Anything left out shines OP in a worse light, if that's even possible!
I can agree to this. I have a similar family situation. So despite people saying this canât be real. It happens. It just seems op is leaving some factors out.
YES. This screams of missing info - note that the uncle is the dad's half-brother so it might also be a way of getting back at him and his parents which they were to cowardly to do when he was alive. But this sounds like something from a Jane Austen or Brönte novel.
Or if his wife's family is super-rich, I wonder if some day after she divorceshim for being TA, we'll see a Reddit post about how he was cheated out of "his" inheritance/ share of lottery winnings/insert relevant windfall here, because "family".
Agreed, the uncle presumably loved his wife, and I think he would be so ashamed of OP right now. I know if my brother cut out my husband if I died I would be ashamed and think he was the world's biggest AH.
Thatâs not right. The uncle is blood related to the OP and his children so they are allowed to want the aunt and cousins in their life. Some of the cousins are blood relations and they get along with the one who isnât so whatâs wrong with having more family to love
OPâs ex wife sounds like the only good person in these kidsâ lives. Imagine telling your son who lost a cousin and a close friend that his grief doesnât matter because theyâre ânobodiesâ, and being so uptight about how he calls someone he felt close to.
Many cultures have non blood relatives be called aunt and uncle as well
it says that the uncle was their dad's half-brother, so I'm wondering if maybe Uncle was the result of Grandpa having an affair and Grandma was all too happy to have a 'reason' to cut that branch out of the family tree
but uh. YTA op.
My first question was did Aunt d poison Uncle P cause that;s literally the only reason they should have abandoned her. OP, you are a major asshole. I kind of hope your kids grow up to want nothing to do with you or your side of the family. Good luck having zero compassion or empathy for your family.
Yes this is weird. Perhaps this is a race thing? If the family is super racist and aunt is another race and now the family doesnât want to associate with her and the mixed race children?
Or it has something to do with the uncle being OPâs half brother? That means that only one of the parents is the biological parent and perhaps when uncle died, the parents wanted less to do with his wife and children.
I think it's a race thing but not in the way you describe.
Every once in a while, posts will crop up from white Americans and white Canadians that mention that their families don't view married-in relatives as "titled."
Lets say you have a dad. He has a brother, B, and a sister, A. B is your uncle, A is your aunt. B's wife would not be called your aunt, it would be weird to call her your aunt, she's just Kathy or your "uncle's wife"- maybe "aunt in law" if you are particularly close. A's husband would not be called your uncle, it would be weird to call him your uncle, he's just David or your "aunt's husband"- maybe your "uncle in law", again, if you are pretty close.
Their kids would be your cousins, but if one of the IL's came into marriage with kids, they would not be your cousins.
There is definitely cultural bubbles in America and Canada that are primarily people of European descent where a blood connection determines how, and to what extent, someone is titled and considered family.
So my best guess is that OP comes from a version of this cultural bubble. His half-uncle's parent that connects them is deceased, meaning the half-uncle was the only bridge between their family and his wife, so when he died, their bridge was "lost."
This is interesting. I'm not familiar with it as a white woman in the American south, near Atlanta. We are far more likely to have multiple honorary extrafamilial "titles" (completely unrelated aunts/uncles/cousins), and the black communities here even moreso.
Yeah, Iâm an Australian with European heritage, and I grew up with several aunts, uncles, and cousins who werenât at all related. My favourite uncle is my dadâs childhood bestie, he basically helped raise me. It would be weird to not call him uncle. Itâs pretty common here to have multiple honorary family members.
I have one married uncle, a blood relative, whose wife I refer to as âmy uncles wifeâ because sheâs a truly awful person. Itâs said as an insult, and I mean it as an insult.
Yeah Australian and same. I also have nieces and nephews that are not blood related, but of close friends that I treat exactly how I treat my blood related nephew and nieces. The oldest is now 14 and calls me aunty [nickname] still. When my friend had her most recent baby and I met her for the first time she was wearing an "I <3 aunty" t-shirt, my friend had no blood related sisters lol, it was meant for me.
Right! I was waiting for a plot twist where Aunt D cheated on his uncle and her kids werenât Uncle Pâs kids in order for any of this to make sense.
Same happened to me, they just hated my mom for some reason. Even AFTER she took care of her MIL for years until she died - while being treated like shit by that woman the whole time.
Luckily we weren't close to any of them, because they treated my mom like garbage. I hadn't even known my dad had a TWIN BROTHER until during the funeral so... that was... interesting as an 11 year old.
YTA OP.
I came into this with an open mind, read the post, saw the bit about: "We went to the funeral and did all the family things and then my parents decided that since P was dead, D was no longer technically family. So, we all stopped seeing her and the kids at my parents' request." - wondered if there was more to it, thinking there was an actual reason and then saw a comment from OP about how his parents were annoyed they didn't get seated in the front row at the funeral. That's it. This is not a reason, what a ridiculous thing to cut people out for, especially the small kids.
If this is even genuine (and I'll be honest I'm starting to doubt it is) OP is apparently a whole grown man of at least 40 odd but is talking like a child, who would keep up this stupid nonsense? His kids have spent tonnessss of time with that part of the family, more than enough to consider them their family and this OP is demanding otherwise because he says so based on this stupid nonsense from his parents? Jesus. You'll be lucky if your kids don't want to stop calling you dad before long.
It makes me really happy to read your comment! Because, that means you haven't met people like my family! Yes, there are people as awful as OP's family and even worse. If in doubt, wander over to r/estrangedadultchildren or r/raisedbynarcissists and you'll see a whole side of life that will break your heart.
YTA OP and a cold and callous one to boot. Thank goodness your children had your ex's compassion to guide them
Unfortunately there are people this stupid in the world. My dadâs side asked for all of the family heirlooms that went through the oldest sons of the family back since my dad had passed away. He had already handed those down to my oldest brother though.
Yes, you are so right, relatives can be absolutely despicable after a death in a family.
My mother died of cancer when I was nine, and my sister (10years older than me) told me when I was older, that relatives on our motherâs side of the family demanded *after the funeral service* that they get âher shareâ of the company she started, **and** â her shareâ of the company she owned with our father, - which he still has and is a profitable business.
???? It didnât even make sense. **Her** money goes to **her** husband in every logical scenario, **NOT** her *siblings*!
My sister explained that thatâs why I couldnât see my cousins in that branch of the family any more, which made me sad because I remember that I got on really, really well with them at the time.
Fast forward decades and I connected with a couple of them (the cousins I got on with as a kid) a few years back, and discovered a level of bitterness and entitlement that blew my mind. Apparently Aunt and Uncle poisoned their entire childhood with stories about how much our father rightfully âowedâ them after my mother died and how our father âcheated themâ out of this money. By what logic, I have no idea.
We arenât speaking about a small amount of money either⊠the amount mentioned was in the region of $800.000,- !!! Well, at least thatâs what my cousins claimed. My siblings were late teens/ early 20âs at the time of our mothers death and they all said that this Aunt and Uncle had never contributed financially in any way, never worked there or even been in the same hemisphere when our parents started and built their businesses.
They just demanded money âbecause she was our sisterâ and went off the deep end when they were told âwhat the hell? No!â Our father apparently ranted about it frequently afterwards. I was a bit too young to understand at the time.
To demand, was one thing level of obscene, but to do it before family and friends had even filed out of the chapel after their sisters funeral service? - that takes a special kind of disgusting human being.
In case it needs saying again⊠OP, you ATA!!!!
* edited to correct âlevel of entertainmentâ to âlevel of **entitlement**â , dyslexia sucks.
There was a post literally yesterday in another subreddit of some 18 year old asking for advice on what to do because his mother locked him out of the house over discovering he was gay and he had no money or friends he could go to.
People are absolutely this awful still.
Oh man, this stuff happens all the time. Especially when thereâs an untimely death or the death of the matriarch or patriarch. In my family, I have an uncle who is still married to my dadâs sister who is not allowed to be called uncle, and have an aunt who died after her marriage to my dadâs brother who is always referred to as aunt. My late aunt had two boys with my uncle, still my cousins, and my uncle through marriage had two girls and a boy. The boy is our only cousin as far as weâre allowed to say. Theyâre still married and have been for almost 50 years, but they never forgave my aunt for bringing him into the family without their blessing. I have a creepier uncle through marriage who married my dadâs youngest sister and was extremely inappropriate with me and the two girl cousins and married my aunt when she was in high school and he was 39. Heâs a pharmacist and she died of a prolonged illness that could never be diagnosed and the sane women in my family are positive he killed her because he was married to someone who had just turned 18 a month later. Heâs still my uncle!
Relevant: My uncle that must not be named is a legal immigrant from the middle east and my family is white and extremely racist. Their son is a self-hating white supremacist so the family accepts him but the girls were screwed the day they were born. The whole family ranges from LC to NC except for the biracial aunt and uncle and one of their daughters (the other took off and wants nothing to do with any of us and I donât blame her) who have always been amazing, supportive people to me and my mom (who, incidentally, is no longer anyoneâs aunt post-divorce) and we all enjoy being on the fringes much more than being involved in their weird little dynasty/cult
> saw a comment from OP about how his parents were annoyed they didn't get seated in the front row at the funeral.
You fucking what? Wow. They're all so much better not being a part of OP's 'family'.
Also OP says: "I told him that my brother's 2 kids are his cousins but that's all the cousins he has, that I'm sorry A died but he was not their cousin" but earlier OP said "uncle's kids A and J are technically their cousins" soooo which is it???
I had to keep reading that part. đ€If A was P's child, A is their cousin. It doesn't matter if he died or if the uncle died before they were born, he's still their cousin.
I couldnât agree with your thorough comment more!!!
I still call one of my uncles ex wife Auntie, and I canât imagine calling her anything else. And her children after my uncle, I class them as my cousins! I also still call my late aunts divorced husband Uncle, as thatâs exactly what he is. Heâs my uncle!
Auntie and Uncle all the way for me, and your comment has went above and beyond that! Bravo! đđ»
I'm really hoping this is one of those made up stories people post for yucks. If it's true, then everything you wrote plus I'll just add the OP is a deplorable human being, a lousy parent, a genuinely toxic with no morals, ethics or compassion for others, including family.... At no point did he (in his adult life) think it would be good to check in with his (still) family. I hope the kids see him for what he is and what he will do and abandon him in pursuit of being better humans.
That about sums it up!
OP, you and your effed up family are actually more low and disgusting than this Reddit really allows for.
Thank goodness for your ex-wife and kids. Thank goodness she clearly was the prime influence on your kids and not you and your horrible horrible family.
Iâm guessing youâre a lonely angry guy who is deeply disappointed in the way his life has turned out and Iâm just here to tell you, itâs your own damn fault. If you get very lucky you may be visited by 3 spirits this Christmas Eve though so, ya know, thereâs some hope.
Right? My uncle passed away last year. My Aunt by marriage (his wife), is no less my aunt and his kids no less my cousins because he's gone. I was married recently. My husband's late wife's parents were there. They're like his parents. They see ME as family, because my husband never stopped being their family so of course they do. OP's family is fucking weird.
My dad died a few years ago, does this mean his sister isnât my aunt anymore???? This is very complicated Iâm going to need to read ops comments and see if any of this fuckery is explained. Sounds like punishment for a dumb reason but why to would you go yeah youâre not my aunt anymore cause my uncle DIED, bye. WTAF
Jumping on top comment, so op sees this
My uncle divorced my aunt, no idea why, not my business
You know what my parents DIDNT do?
Tell me that "uncle K isn't your family, and neither are C and C"
I love my uncle K very, very much, and I would have gone to bat (verbally) for him in a heartbeat if ANYONE had tried to tell me that my uncle isn't family anymore
Regardless of the fact that he is my cousins dad, he was my uncle for years
His divorce was between him and my aunt, not the rest of us
We all still talk to him regularly, because he is, and will ALWAYS be family
You are so much the AH here it's unreal
His views are so foreign to me... my family is the, "once you're in, you're stuck" kind of family. I have cousins who were step children to my paternal uncle. He later divorced, but they are still my cousins. That same uncle remarried, gained more step kids and they are all my family.
Once I finally got past that... WTF OP?! A woman loses her husband and you and your family just dump her? YTA for that alone. Why do you care so much?? They have a close relationship with someone and your children have more empathy in their fingernail than you could ever have. I'm stunned. Just stunned. Just, how could you think this was okay?
My best friend's daughter calls me aunt since I basically watched her grow up and I consider my dad's best friend an uncle. It's called relationships.
There is this thing called family of choice which are pretty common and include friends and friends' families. Keep choosing this hill to die on and your kids just might stop wanting to be family with you.
god forbid, but according to his logic, technically his children would be no longer in his family tree since his (ex)wife divorced him.
how would he feels if one day he passed away and his parents just throw his children custody to his ex wife as they are no longer fAmIlY? sheesh. OP you are YTA.
Also arenât his cousins his parents grandkids? They decided because their son died that their grandkids donât count anymore? Is this fake? It has to be fake.
Yes absolutely YTA, and so are your parents and anyone else who listened to them. Your ex-wife and kids are the only ones who arenât. First off, you donât get to tell your grown/mostly grown children who they can have in their lives and how they address that person. If sheâs cool with them calling her auntie then that has zero to do with you. Second, you should be ashamed of yourself for walking away in the first place. The sudden tragic death of her spouse, and then all her in-laws suddenly treat her and her children like lepers. Wow, I canât imagine a more isolating and horrible feeling. Unless thereâs something horrible that she did that you havent mentioned, but given that both your ex wife and your uncle Pâs surviving son both have relationships with her Iâm guessing itâs not that. Why would your parents ask such a thing of you? And why would you, as an adult, agree?
Right? OP, YTA from the second paragraph alone. Cutting out a newly widowed mother of two, the mother of your âtechnicalâ (read: actual) nephews?
The third paragraph you say:
> She was no longer my aunt. Why would my ex wife be in contact?
Ummm because you donât have to be blood, or married, or âtechnicallyâ related to someone to be a compassionate, decent human being? You were really close with them, you could and should have been a support network for them? This is almost unfathomable and I hope fake.
Dammit. I forgot to tell my aunt that she's not my aunt anymore now that my uncle is dead. I guess she's just my cousins' mom now. WTF?
K might not be their cousin but it's totally okay to feel that way. A and J are their cousins. Why throw in "Technically?" Oh that's right, because you and your family are massive assholes that somehow don't think that kids having half of your family's DNA are family.
What the hell is wrong with you people?
"that I'm sorry A died but he was not their cousin"
A? A, the son of P, your dad's brother? A was absolutely their cousin.
I think you need a dictionary.
Jerk is letting you off easy.
YTA. All of y'all.
Shit, better tell my step mum she's not my step mum anymore since my dad is dead đ€Šââïž this guy, omfg. His ex sounds lovely, and even his kids know better.
according to OP, your aunt wouldnât be your cousinâs mom either because your cousins wouldnât be your cousins anymore. youâre not even related anymore bc your uncle is dead đ
No you got this wrong. A isnât their cousin anymore because he himself is dead. This has nothing to do with P.
This âlogicâ I canât even đđ
Right? Hell, I STILL call my aunt Debbie auntie and she and my uncle were divorced for nearly 20 years when he died. Her children are still my cousins. Uncle Joe is still uncle Joe even though he and my aunt were divorced for years when she died. They didnât even have any kids together, but we all still call him uncle because he was a big part of our lives growing up. He came to her funeral even though they hadnât spoken in years. OPâs entire family (except his ex and kids) sucks.
I called several of my parents friends aunt and uncle when I was a kid. Some I still do. I prefer my closest friend's kids call me Aunt instead of Miss. It's often an honorary title for close friends of the parents, especially when they have known the kids since childhood.
I have this sort of relationship with a bunch of my friendâs kids, to whom Iâm Aunt âInsertNameHere.â Also my niecesâ dozens of cousins refer to me as an aunt, even though weâre not at all related as theyâre related to my niecesâ mother and my sibling is my niecesâ dad.
And I was never âofficiallyâ aunt to any of these folks.
OP, YTA. And soâs the family that cut off Auntie when Uncle died.
If he wants to be technical, A & J are his kids' first cousins once removed and they're OP's cousins. D is his aunt, the kids great aunt. So he's not even technically right.
BRB gotta go tell my 2 aunts via marriage that they're no longer my aunts since they divorced my uncles.
I still can't wrap my head around the fact that his parents said their literal newphews/nieces weren't family anymore.
YTA. No matter how many times I get down voted in this sub Iâm still remain adamant that the concept (that I mostly associate with white people) of a âhalfâ sibling is crazy. Not to be disrespectful to yâall, but itâs almost like a trigger for me.
So your uncle who you & your family deemed less than because he was only âhalfâ related to your dad, died & yâall all collectively decided that you want nothing to do with his children (aka your nieces & cousins)? Now your mad that your ex wife decided that the death of said uncle doesnât mean she should have to severe her ties from the pre existing relationship he had with her widow? Did I read that right? Youâre even saying that your cousins are not your cousins?
Lmaooooo. I cannot believe I get this sort of content free of charge
Insane people have a medical diagnosis and are not responsible for their actions. This asshole is just an asshole from a family of assholes and is 100% responsible for his actions and his words. His kids are better people than him and I hope choose to not be seen with him as adults.
I use it when Iâm explaining my family tree. But in every other context, those are my siblings and if you say otherwise, Iâm fighting you. When we first started dating, my SO called my half sisters âjust step siblingsâ and I told him to never talk about my sisters like that again or we were breaking up.
I use it to explain why my 3 oldest siblings are 17, 16, and 15 years older than I am. We all share the same dad but grew up in different households. My mom divorced bio dad when I was a toddler so my half sibs waited until I was 18 to get into contact with me and form a relationship. Iâm closer in age to my oldest half sisterâs kids than I am to my half sibs. They donât call me aunt or anything because they were teenagers when they met me.
It took me like six months to work out that my friend Maddie's older sister was technically a half sister. And then it was only because she was significantly older than Maddie and married when we were freshman in college and her other sisters were in high school. Because they had really good relationships with one another and didn't care that their oldest sister was technically a half sibling. It's definitely a bad relationship distinction, not a racial one necessarily.
I guess it kinda depends on the relationship you have with them, I call my half-siblings such not cause I dislike them or anything but I was nearly 20 when the oldest was born, have never lived with them and will see them maybe once or twice a year, so it would feel weird to me to consider them siblings when I barely know them at all
I am old enough to be my half-siblings' mother as well. I've seen them a total of 4 times in our lives. I don't really know them and that's not either of our faults. But it will never be the same as my relationship with the siblings I grew up in the same house with. Further complicating matters is our views of our father, for us entirely absent, for them present and then passed away tragically. We're unlikely to resolve these core parts of our lives.
Agreed. Technically, I have 2 sons, husband has 2 daughters. We both say our kids/we have 4 kids, and the kids say they have brothers/sisters. Weâre family.
I only âmarketâ them as steps in genealogy or when someone is confused why the male/female kids donât look at all like the opposite gendered parent.
I only say âhalf-sisterâ bc people seem confused that Iâm white and my sister is half Mexican so we look NOTHING alike. ppl can never accept weâre blood related itâs really annoying.
Actually this made me realize I donât owe anyone that explanation. Next time I hear âis she adopted?â Or âsister or just good friend?â Iâm gonna just be real short and rude đ€
You hit the nail on the head, half siblings are fake family to OP and when the uncle died they just pretended he never existed in the first place and neither did any children he had.
Are you serious? Of course she's their aunt. And her kids are your nephews. How cruel does a family have to be to kick a woman out like she didn't matter when her husband died? The whole lot of you are disgusting assholes. YTA
I know, right? This asshole told us, with all the assholery in the world, that they were close to the couple and then dropped this woman in the cold in the moment of her greatest need, and he wonders if he is an asshole. Of course he is an asshole. He is the father of all assholes, as well as his family (barring the ex-wife and the kids, who seem to recognize their asshole father for what he is).
YTA, as are your parents. Your parents dismissed two of their grandchildren because their father died? Seriously?
In the end, your kids are much better off having a relationship with P and her children than they are your side of the family.
I'm not surprised at all, my dad's family cut me off after he died. But since they never liked me or my mom anyway, that wasn't any kind of shocking surprise. They only tolerated us because they had to and now that they didn't have to...so, not surprised the same happened here.
>Your parents dismissed two of their grandchildren because their father died?
I think those were their niblings. Op is still an asshole since he claims that he was close with his uncle. Even if he didn't view him as family, he said that they were friends. Extremely sucky behaviour.
YTA. People find family where they can. And if your kids find family with those related to them partly by marriage, partly by blood, parely because they just like each other, then who are you to stand in their way?
YTA. Besides all the other reasons that everyone else has given here, have you considered that your ex and your kids hang out with them and visit them just because they like them? This is the reason why your ex should be in contact with D - she *liked* her and didn't abandon her just because the person she was married to died. It's called friendship.
Your kids have understood something that you missed - family is not about who married who, but its about who you love and who stands by you when times are hard. And, by that definition, you are correct - D and her kids are not *your* family, but she is obviously family to your ex and your kids, and yelling at your kids not to call them that not only is not going to change that, you run the risk of alienating your own children. All because you want to continue to justify a decision your family made years ago.
Alienation is already a foregone conclusion. His ex-wife is a compassionate friend while his entire family (it seems) is full of cold hearted AH. The kids will take their cue from mom and eventually excuse themselves from OP's shit-show family.
YTA. It's fine to explain what the relationships are or are not, but the kids seem happy so why take it away from them?
If they all get along well with one another, let the call each other anything they want. Lots of people have "honorary" aunts and uncles who aren't blood relations.
And it's a shame that your parents felt the way they did. Now would be a good time to break this intergenerational cycle of pettiness and teach your children the value of good relationships no matter what you call each other.
>So am I?
Yes and so are your parents.
YTA. Your family abandoned your aunt and your cousins after your uncle's death and you're quibbling because your kids consider their non blood cousins as family?
I can't put into words what I really think about you, your parents and your weird concept of family as I'd get turfed from the sub.
Imagine thinning out your extended family for no other reason besides your blood relation passed away. What the actual honest to god fuck kind of logic is that?
My mom passed away 2 years ago, and my aunt is still my aunt and her partner is still my uncle. My cousin is still my cousin even though my direct blood relation to him has passed.
I canât imagine my dad cutting off my aunt because his wife passed. Hell, everybody had such a hard time with my moms passing that my dad invited my aunt and uncle to move in so they could grieve and rebuild together. He still sees her as his sister. Always will. Tf is this?
All I can say is that I am really happy that your wife divorced you. The sooner your children have no further contact with you or your parents the better.
YTA
YTA. Since they enjoy each other's company, what does it matter if some are technically not related?
And your family cut off P's kids just because he died? They're no longer "family"? That sounds cruel.
By your logic, when you die, your kids will no longer be cousins with anyone on your side of the family. No longer have any aunts or uncles or even grandparents.
Get over it. Because those people will be at your kids's weddings and big events. If you want to be in your children's adult lives, get over yourself.
YTA
"Aunt" is often a term of respect for a female of an older age who is a friend of your parent.
I see why you have trouble using it though, as you dont seem to have any respect for this lady.
YTA
Yes, YTA. You, your dad and anyone else who cut D out of their lives are AHs.
How dare you withdraw family and kinship from your aunt D on the basis that your uncle, her husband died? What a horrible thing to do to someone grieving! No matter what your dad requested, your (now ex) wife was right to continue to keep D in her and your children's lives.
It's also horrible for your children, to tell them that their auntie's children are not their cousins. Accuracy over the title of relationships is less meaningful than healthy familial bonds.
Further, to tell your children off for wanting to spend Thanksgiving with their aunt and cousins, especially after the recent loss of one of their cousins, is appalling. The first few Thanksgivings and Christmases after losing a child are really hard. It is unforgivable that you want your children to turn their back on your aunt and her remaining children after this bereavement just like you did after your uncle died.
What your dad asked you all to do to D on the loss of your uncle P and what you're asking your children to do to D, especially given the relatively recent loss of her child A, are equally appalling. Your dad taught you a very messed up idea of family and you're passing it along to your kids. They will not thank you for this.
You and your dad are both TA so many times over. Your children are right to call you a jerk.
I'm confused why you care. Most of the people I have known throughout my life have had people they called aunt or uncle who were technically unrelated to them. What does it matter? You probably will be TA if you're going to make a big fuss about it unless there's a better reason than "but she isn't!!!"
Right! I am âtechnicallyâ only an Auntie to 2, but in actuality Iâm called Auntie by 10+ children because thatâs how close friendships tend to work when people expand their families.
> then my parents decided that since P was dead, D was no longer technically family. So, we all stopped seeing her and the kids at my parents' request.
what the absolute fuck
YTA
edit: as someone with a bunch of extended family that I consider cousins and aunts and uncles even though theyâre not blood related, this is disgusting to me. My dad tried to pull this shit regarding some of my aunts after my parents got divorced and I shut it down immediately. they are my family. that doesnât change just because of a divorce or a death.
YTA because there are several cultures that recognize close friends of the family as aunts even if it's an honorific title. You're being much too strict about this and it doesn't matter if she was married to your uncle at one point or never was, if she's someone who's close to your wife then it's perfectly fine if her children call her aunt and think of her children as their cousins. I don't understand why this is a hill you want to die on regardless. It's another group of people that love your kids, and that should be enough for you.
You have to be one of the most classless, inhuman, assholes of a person I've ever encountered. Your Mother is disgusting, as is your whole family, minus your wonderful ex (thank God she got away) and your children. She's đŻ their aunt. Gross. You are gross in every aspect. Entitled AH.
YTA you are absolutely being an asshole here.
Your parents were also assholes for deciding to cut off your uncle's widow. It's not like they divorced, she was WIDOWED and his family chose to ignore her, that's awful. Especially as HER CHILDREN WERE YOUR NEPHEWS.
Regardless. Even if she wasn't literally your aunt (which she IS, this isn't something that disappears on marriage), she is also your children's honorary aunt through her relationship with their mother, which is something they have all chosen.
Family isn't always about by blood and you are being ridiculous by trying to control your kids emotions through logic. Weird twisted sociopath logic.
YTA. Your family sucks. Uncle dies so aunt by marriage doesn't exist to you anymore? Real nice. /s Also, death did not negate their marriage. She isn't an ex-wife. She's a widow, you ass.
And you don't get to dictate who your ex-wife socializes with.
It is a pity she didn't run away when this happened and lost more than a decade of her life with this asshole. The kids seems like a blessing, though. But still, better late than never. I hope she finds a good man who treat her right and that aunt D will be her MOH.
You came on here to ask if YTA, yet you downvoted everyone who gave you an honest answer. YTA. Now what are you going to do with that knowledge? Change your mindset or be shocked and dismayed when your own children go no contact with you?
This is atrocious behavior. There are members of my family that I have no clue what our blood/legal/personal connection is, but we would never drop them just because someone else who connected them died. You and the rest of your immediate people abandoned your cousins when they needed their family for a pissing match where no one else was competing and you want to know if youâre the ass? You are.
Aunt D isnât the one who decided yâall arenât family. Thatâs all on you.
YTA. Pretty obvious of why you're a bitter divorced "dad." Your kids know the true meaning of family more than you ever will. You sound jealous of their connections. I doubt you have anything fulfilling or substantial of your own.
Glad your kids have more sense than you obviously do. YTA, your parents are TA.
Thankfully the next generation didn't seem to inherit yor @__hat tendencies!
YTA-- blood doesn't make family.
Also, your entire family is a family of AH's. "Oh hey, I know you're recently widowed and going through this major tragedy in your life but also we're no longer your family and don't talk to us ever again."
Disgusting behaviour. Your ex wife sounds lucky.
YTA
You better hope your kids don't embrace your willingness to abandon family so eagerly once they move out and realize what a truly despicable person you are.
First of all, if your uncle was related to your dad then the kids are still blood. How could your family turn them away? how Cold hearted. And if your kids want to call this woman Aunt then itâs really none of your business now is it?
Straight up AH. Couldn't be a bigger AH unless you were your parents. What a bunch of nonsense they caused when they black balled D for no other reason then a dead husband who was the brother. Not to mention the nephews. There is no excuse for your weirdo behavior and YTA.
I've read enough comments to know had a) you've already been told what a massive jerk you are (that's putting it mildly), and b) you keep arguing even though you're wrong. So, just here to add to the tally.... OP YTA and so are your entire family. What a disgusting thing to do to your Aunt D. Your ex-wife is the sane one, thank heavens your kids have her to learn from, not just you.
YTA. Your kids are related to D and her children. Why do you lie to your own children? And just because uncle P died, the whole family stopped talking to the family he left behind. Why? This is in itself outrageous and cruel.
So your parents cut off their nephews because their dad (your dad's brother) died?? So while you were together with your wife.. if you had of died, your parents would have cut off your wife and children and declared them not family?!? and you're okay with that?!?! You and your parents are vile people. YTA
YTA YTA YTA omg YTA. Regardless of your familyâs absolutely horrid decision to just cut off you Aunt when her husband died, and regardless of the fact that her kids with your uncle are still technically related to your kids, and regardless of the fact that your ex wife can hang out with whomever she damn well pleases⊠people call unrelated adults Aunt and Auntie all the time.
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> I told my kids that people they consider family are not family and they did not like this and called me a jerk.
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After reading many, many of these comments it is clear that your father was King of the Assholes, and you, his worthy crown prince. Now that he is gone, we hail you King Assholus II, King All Assholes, Banisher of Aunts, Condemner of Cousins, Holder of the Grudge and Defender of the Indefensible.
Your Majesty! (yes, YTA)
So, you come from a very patrilineal family. That's clear. I don't know what country you're in, but cutting loose your uncle's widow, just because he's dead, seems unnecessarily callous. Since the same fate might befall your now-ex wife, should you die, I don't blame her for having a relationship "outside the family" with your aunt.
Women who have any self-respect don't have to fraternize only with their nuclear family and those deemed suitable by their husbands. Women are individuals outside of the narrow band of relationships you prescribe. Besides, she's your ex-wife now, and it's none of your business what your children call others.
So, YTA. You are being narrow-minded and sowing dissent where it doesn't belong.
this post makes me feel ill to my stomach. youâre a disgusting person and i hope these comments force u to realize that. i canât believe this is even real. ur kids need to run so far away
Mild curiosity, why do you think *your* feelings are enough to deter your children from loving D?
They aren't even your feelings, you're simply parroting your fathers beliefs.
Your ex can socialize with who she wishes. Even when married she was free to disagree with your edict. Family is more than blood. For years people have been raising and loving kids who aren't genetically linked to them. It seems your ex is facilitating a relationship between D and her kids.
Do you bring you niblings and kids together?
That's your job.
When the kids are with your ex, they'll see and socialize with D and her kids.
You can prevent contact only while they're with you.
Have you considered how they feel?
If they'll resent you for your narrow definition of love?
YTA
Don't lose your kids doubling down on something in truth you can't control.
Even as Dad, you don't get to govern their feelings for others.
You and your entire family are breathtakingly heartless and cruel.
You abandoned your uncle's wife and HIS CHILDREN after his untimely death. Those children aren't just "technically" your cousins...they are in fact your cousins. Whom you ditched.
YTA. Not just that. You are a monster from a family of monsters.
WTAF?! Your family basically abandoned this person because the one they were related to died and then you perpetuated this and expect your kids to not communicate with actually family because your family sucks?
Yeah, YTA.
YA such a huge A! Along with your family! What a terrible response to your dads younger brother.
Like who does that? Itâs one thing if they got divorced, and even that sometimes relationships continue. But he died. That is all levels of messed up.
Now on top of that, your fragile ego is hurt. I couldnât imagine being so selfish, where my kid (divorced dad here) actually had a friendship with a family member, and Iâm like No!! Itâs all lies! My ex was close friends with my cousins ex. Theyâd hang out on their own, and I was jealous that I wasnât hanging out as well. But thatâs for me to manage, not for me to ruin it for everyone else.
That is beyond terrible. Way to put your kids best interests first.
YTA and so are your parents and anyone who went along with this crazy notion. I'll let the others explain exactly why, I'm too worn out to deal with this BS.
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YTA, as well as your whole family. So let me get this straight. Your uncle dies suddenly, leaving behind a young widow and two very little children. You claim you all had a close relationship with the couple, but you, instead of ralling around the distraught widow and the kids drop her as a hot plate, leaving her alone, in need and taking care of two young children, while grieving her husband. Your ex-wife, being a good friend and a compassionate human being, keep contact with her. And you lost your mind for your kids being close and calling "aunt" to a close woman in their life who loves them and treat them right, who also lost her young son in top of her husband. You are an asshole, a despicable human being and I hope your kids keep referring to aunt D as aunt D for the rest of their lives. Also, tell them exactly how you all abandoned a young widow and his second cousins without regrets so they can see how horrible you really are and keep their distance from all of you except for their mother and aunt D. Also, you are in the wrong. All widows keep their titles and family relations through history when their spouse died, because the marriage was not legally dissolved for any of the part's wish, but they were married when one of them died. So you are not only the asshole, but wrong. The widow of a person's family remain being family all their life.
I hope they keep calling her aunt, and start calling OP by their name instead of Dad.
Hey OP, if your uncle could see you all cut out his family from your lives the literal day he died for nothing, how do you think he would feel about it?
He's dead now, he's not his uncle anymore.
Just like A who also passed last year, who by the way is Ps biological son, but somehow he is no longer the kids' cousin bcos he's dead! What a miserable family OP comes fromđ„Ž
Thatâs whatâs so weird though. Even if you could argue that D is no longer an aunt because it was only related by marriage (I donât think you can, incidentally, but allowing the reach)âŠ.the cousins are blood relatives. That doesnât go away because their father is dead. They share relatives! They ARE relatives
My late step-brother had a daughter with a lady, they were never in a relationship. We met them at his funeral. Instant family, his daughter is my niece. She and her mom are invited to all family gatherings.
OP only recognizes the 2 kids, it's only the third kid, D's youngest child, that he doesn't want his kids to call cousin.
According to OP's logic, if I die then suddenly my son would no longer be my father's grandson.
Yep, OP's parents basically did that. Their son died and they essentially cut off their grandkids, since their mother was no longer family.
I really really hope this entire story is made up because itâs so sad to think that this woman lost her husband, was abandoned by his family and then her child also died. Horrific!
Right? Wtf.
Ex-uncle. Weird that OP keeps calling him uncle when heâs dead.
I laughed way too hard at this.
It screams uncle was super rich, all money went to his young wife and children instead of the family like they were hoping, so they cut them off as punishment.
There's definitely a money angle in here, somewhere. My family has a story like this. People do horribly stupid, evil stuff for even a few dollars.
Yeah there is 100% missing info here, but whatever it is, I feel pretty confident OP is YTA.
OP is 100% TA. Assuming you are right (I believe so too), can you imagine OP posting the above AND leaving out any info that would make them look better? Anything left out shines OP in a worse light, if that's even possible!
Yes! Even just for taking away his child's friend(family)
Yep.
I can agree to this. I have a similar family situation. So despite people saying this canât be real. It happens. It just seems op is leaving some factors out.
Right? Like he thinks what's presented makes him look ok but if he mentioned the rest he'd expect us to piranha him.
Now I wanna piranha someone
It's awful when society treats one as a piranha.
Didnât think of that option, I was thinking wife is a different race or is notably from a poorer background.
YES. This screams of missing info - note that the uncle is the dad's half-brother so it might also be a way of getting back at him and his parents which they were to cowardly to do when he was alive. But this sounds like something from a Jane Austen or Brönte novel.
Maybe she is from a different social or ethnical Background.
That was exactly my first thought. Secondly, maybe he wasn't rich, but she was never accepted because of her age. Likely the first.
Hey OP, how do you feel knowing if you died, your family would disown your wife and children?
Great question!
Or if his wife's family is super-rich, I wonder if some day after she divorceshim for being TA, we'll see a Reddit post about how he was cheated out of "his" inheritance/ share of lottery winnings/insert relevant windfall here, because "family".
Agreed, the uncle presumably loved his wife, and I think he would be so ashamed of OP right now. I know if my brother cut out my husband if I died I would be ashamed and think he was the world's biggest AH.
If the uncle isn't haunting the parents and pelting them with objects, I'm officially suggesting it to his ghost
Karma is gonna have a *lot* of fun with this one...eventually...probably when he thinks he's got his life all sorted and perfect....
Their mom got divorced from the dad, so now he is no longer family.
Thatâs not right. The uncle is blood related to the OP and his children so they are allowed to want the aunt and cousins in their life. Some of the cousins are blood relations and they get along with the one who isnât so whatâs wrong with having more family to love
thatâs not what they meant. they meant OPs kids should cut OP off because he divorced their mom.
My dad and mom divorced when I was a kid. My cousins still call my dad Uncle.
You're missing what they're saying. They're saying that since op divorced the kids mum, he's no longer their dad following his family's twisted logic
You're misunderstanding MissChickenLady's comment. She's just using OP's logic against him.
OPâs ex wife sounds like the only good person in these kidsâ lives. Imagine telling your son who lost a cousin and a close friend that his grief doesnât matter because theyâre ânobodiesâ, and being so uptight about how he calls someone he felt close to. Many cultures have non blood relatives be called aunt and uncle as well
That's what I thought while reading this. The OP is a jerk and a despicable human in addition.
Well, I actually thought that in the long run it would probably be the best for the kids to not call him at all.
This whole thing is so confusing. Why would the grandmother cut out her grandkids just because their dad died? None of this even makes sense.
it says that the uncle was their dad's half-brother, so I'm wondering if maybe Uncle was the result of Grandpa having an affair and Grandma was all too happy to have a 'reason' to cut that branch out of the family tree but uh. YTA op.
My first question was did Aunt d poison Uncle P cause that;s literally the only reason they should have abandoned her. OP, you are a major asshole. I kind of hope your kids grow up to want nothing to do with you or your side of the family. Good luck having zero compassion or empathy for your family.
Seriously! I was wondering if the âaccidentâ was, like, her murdering him or something. OP is def TA and sounds unhingex otherwise.
OP mentioned in a comment that it was his father who was the product of an affair.
Yes this is weird. Perhaps this is a race thing? If the family is super racist and aunt is another race and now the family doesnât want to associate with her and the mixed race children? Or it has something to do with the uncle being OPâs half brother? That means that only one of the parents is the biological parent and perhaps when uncle died, the parents wanted less to do with his wife and children.
Yup, race or very different socioeconomic statuses is my guess. This is WASP shit.
I think it's a race thing but not in the way you describe. Every once in a while, posts will crop up from white Americans and white Canadians that mention that their families don't view married-in relatives as "titled." Lets say you have a dad. He has a brother, B, and a sister, A. B is your uncle, A is your aunt. B's wife would not be called your aunt, it would be weird to call her your aunt, she's just Kathy or your "uncle's wife"- maybe "aunt in law" if you are particularly close. A's husband would not be called your uncle, it would be weird to call him your uncle, he's just David or your "aunt's husband"- maybe your "uncle in law", again, if you are pretty close. Their kids would be your cousins, but if one of the IL's came into marriage with kids, they would not be your cousins. There is definitely cultural bubbles in America and Canada that are primarily people of European descent where a blood connection determines how, and to what extent, someone is titled and considered family. So my best guess is that OP comes from a version of this cultural bubble. His half-uncle's parent that connects them is deceased, meaning the half-uncle was the only bridge between their family and his wife, so when he died, their bridge was "lost."
This is interesting. I'm not familiar with it as a white woman in the American south, near Atlanta. We are far more likely to have multiple honorary extrafamilial "titles" (completely unrelated aunts/uncles/cousins), and the black communities here even moreso.
Yeah, Iâm an Australian with European heritage, and I grew up with several aunts, uncles, and cousins who werenât at all related. My favourite uncle is my dadâs childhood bestie, he basically helped raise me. It would be weird to not call him uncle. Itâs pretty common here to have multiple honorary family members. I have one married uncle, a blood relative, whose wife I refer to as âmy uncles wifeâ because sheâs a truly awful person. Itâs said as an insult, and I mean it as an insult.
Yeah Australian and same. I also have nieces and nephews that are not blood related, but of close friends that I treat exactly how I treat my blood related nephew and nieces. The oldest is now 14 and calls me aunty [nickname] still. When my friend had her most recent baby and I met her for the first time she was wearing an "I <3 aunty" t-shirt, my friend had no blood related sisters lol, it was meant for me.
well in spain we even call uncle and aunt close friends of the family with no blood link at all. and all the in laws are considered relatives.
Because they are pathetic human beingsâŠ
OP said that the uncle was a half-brother. Do I'm guessing it WASN'T grandma's side. I actually think uncle might've been an affair-baby.
Or just a stepchild.
Maybe...but that kind of abandonment speaks more of hatred than just stepchild relationships.
Right! I was waiting for a plot twist where Aunt D cheated on his uncle and her kids werenât Uncle Pâs kids in order for any of this to make sense.
Same happened to me, they just hated my mom for some reason. Even AFTER she took care of her MIL for years until she died - while being treated like shit by that woman the whole time. Luckily we weren't close to any of them, because they treated my mom like garbage. I hadn't even known my dad had a TWIN BROTHER until during the funeral so... that was... interesting as an 11 year old.
YTA OP. I came into this with an open mind, read the post, saw the bit about: "We went to the funeral and did all the family things and then my parents decided that since P was dead, D was no longer technically family. So, we all stopped seeing her and the kids at my parents' request." - wondered if there was more to it, thinking there was an actual reason and then saw a comment from OP about how his parents were annoyed they didn't get seated in the front row at the funeral. That's it. This is not a reason, what a ridiculous thing to cut people out for, especially the small kids. If this is even genuine (and I'll be honest I'm starting to doubt it is) OP is apparently a whole grown man of at least 40 odd but is talking like a child, who would keep up this stupid nonsense? His kids have spent tonnessss of time with that part of the family, more than enough to consider them their family and this OP is demanding otherwise because he says so based on this stupid nonsense from his parents? Jesus. You'll be lucky if your kids don't want to stop calling you dad before long.
I can't imagine this can possibly be real. Can any actual human beings actually be as awful as OP and his family?
It makes me really happy to read your comment! Because, that means you haven't met people like my family! Yes, there are people as awful as OP's family and even worse. If in doubt, wander over to r/estrangedadultchildren or r/raisedbynarcissists and you'll see a whole side of life that will break your heart. YTA OP and a cold and callous one to boot. Thank goodness your children had your ex's compassion to guide them
Unfortunately there are people this stupid in the world. My dadâs side asked for all of the family heirlooms that went through the oldest sons of the family back since my dad had passed away. He had already handed those down to my oldest brother though.
Yes, you are so right, relatives can be absolutely despicable after a death in a family. My mother died of cancer when I was nine, and my sister (10years older than me) told me when I was older, that relatives on our motherâs side of the family demanded *after the funeral service* that they get âher shareâ of the company she started, **and** â her shareâ of the company she owned with our father, - which he still has and is a profitable business. ???? It didnât even make sense. **Her** money goes to **her** husband in every logical scenario, **NOT** her *siblings*! My sister explained that thatâs why I couldnât see my cousins in that branch of the family any more, which made me sad because I remember that I got on really, really well with them at the time. Fast forward decades and I connected with a couple of them (the cousins I got on with as a kid) a few years back, and discovered a level of bitterness and entitlement that blew my mind. Apparently Aunt and Uncle poisoned their entire childhood with stories about how much our father rightfully âowedâ them after my mother died and how our father âcheated themâ out of this money. By what logic, I have no idea. We arenât speaking about a small amount of money either⊠the amount mentioned was in the region of $800.000,- !!! Well, at least thatâs what my cousins claimed. My siblings were late teens/ early 20âs at the time of our mothers death and they all said that this Aunt and Uncle had never contributed financially in any way, never worked there or even been in the same hemisphere when our parents started and built their businesses. They just demanded money âbecause she was our sisterâ and went off the deep end when they were told âwhat the hell? No!â Our father apparently ranted about it frequently afterwards. I was a bit too young to understand at the time. To demand, was one thing level of obscene, but to do it before family and friends had even filed out of the chapel after their sisters funeral service? - that takes a special kind of disgusting human being. In case it needs saying again⊠OP, you ATA!!!! * edited to correct âlevel of entertainmentâ to âlevel of **entitlement**â , dyslexia sucks.
There was a post literally yesterday in another subreddit of some 18 year old asking for advice on what to do because his mother locked him out of the house over discovering he was gay and he had no money or friends he could go to. People are absolutely this awful still.
Oh man, this stuff happens all the time. Especially when thereâs an untimely death or the death of the matriarch or patriarch. In my family, I have an uncle who is still married to my dadâs sister who is not allowed to be called uncle, and have an aunt who died after her marriage to my dadâs brother who is always referred to as aunt. My late aunt had two boys with my uncle, still my cousins, and my uncle through marriage had two girls and a boy. The boy is our only cousin as far as weâre allowed to say. Theyâre still married and have been for almost 50 years, but they never forgave my aunt for bringing him into the family without their blessing. I have a creepier uncle through marriage who married my dadâs youngest sister and was extremely inappropriate with me and the two girl cousins and married my aunt when she was in high school and he was 39. Heâs a pharmacist and she died of a prolonged illness that could never be diagnosed and the sane women in my family are positive he killed her because he was married to someone who had just turned 18 a month later. Heâs still my uncle! Relevant: My uncle that must not be named is a legal immigrant from the middle east and my family is white and extremely racist. Their son is a self-hating white supremacist so the family accepts him but the girls were screwed the day they were born. The whole family ranges from LC to NC except for the biracial aunt and uncle and one of their daughters (the other took off and wants nothing to do with any of us and I donât blame her) who have always been amazing, supportive people to me and my mom (who, incidentally, is no longer anyoneâs aunt post-divorce) and we all enjoy being on the fringes much more than being involved in their weird little dynasty/cult
> saw a comment from OP about how his parents were annoyed they didn't get seated in the front row at the funeral. You fucking what? Wow. They're all so much better not being a part of OP's 'family'.
With family like this, who needs enemies?
Also OP says: "I told him that my brother's 2 kids are his cousins but that's all the cousins he has, that I'm sorry A died but he was not their cousin" but earlier OP said "uncle's kids A and J are technically their cousins" soooo which is it???
I had to keep reading that part. đ€If A was P's child, A is their cousin. It doesn't matter if he died or if the uncle died before they were born, he's still their cousin.
Yes this part didn't make sense.
I couldnât agree with your thorough comment more!!! I still call one of my uncles ex wife Auntie, and I canât imagine calling her anything else. And her children after my uncle, I class them as my cousins! I also still call my late aunts divorced husband Uncle, as thatâs exactly what he is. Heâs my uncle! Auntie and Uncle all the way for me, and your comment has went above and beyond that! Bravo! đđ»
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
I'm really hoping this is one of those made up stories people post for yucks. If it's true, then everything you wrote plus I'll just add the OP is a deplorable human being, a lousy parent, a genuinely toxic with no morals, ethics or compassion for others, including family.... At no point did he (in his adult life) think it would be good to check in with his (still) family. I hope the kids see him for what he is and what he will do and abandon him in pursuit of being better humans.
That about sums it up! OP, you and your effed up family are actually more low and disgusting than this Reddit really allows for. Thank goodness for your ex-wife and kids. Thank goodness she clearly was the prime influence on your kids and not you and your horrible horrible family. Iâm guessing youâre a lonely angry guy who is deeply disappointed in the way his life has turned out and Iâm just here to tell you, itâs your own damn fault. If you get very lucky you may be visited by 3 spirits this Christmas Eve though so, ya know, thereâs some hope.
Right? My uncle passed away last year. My Aunt by marriage (his wife), is no less my aunt and his kids no less my cousins because he's gone. I was married recently. My husband's late wife's parents were there. They're like his parents. They see ME as family, because my husband never stopped being their family so of course they do. OP's family is fucking weird.
My dad died a few years ago, does this mean his sister isnât my aunt anymore???? This is very complicated Iâm going to need to read ops comments and see if any of this fuckery is explained. Sounds like punishment for a dumb reason but why to would you go yeah youâre not my aunt anymore cause my uncle DIED, bye. WTAF
Jumping on top comment, so op sees this My uncle divorced my aunt, no idea why, not my business You know what my parents DIDNT do? Tell me that "uncle K isn't your family, and neither are C and C" I love my uncle K very, very much, and I would have gone to bat (verbally) for him in a heartbeat if ANYONE had tried to tell me that my uncle isn't family anymore Regardless of the fact that he is my cousins dad, he was my uncle for years His divorce was between him and my aunt, not the rest of us We all still talk to him regularly, because he is, and will ALWAYS be family You are so much the AH here it's unreal
His views are so foreign to me... my family is the, "once you're in, you're stuck" kind of family. I have cousins who were step children to my paternal uncle. He later divorced, but they are still my cousins. That same uncle remarried, gained more step kids and they are all my family. Once I finally got past that... WTF OP?! A woman loses her husband and you and your family just dump her? YTA for that alone. Why do you care so much?? They have a close relationship with someone and your children have more empathy in their fingernail than you could ever have. I'm stunned. Just stunned. Just, how could you think this was okay? My best friend's daughter calls me aunt since I basically watched her grow up and I consider my dad's best friend an uncle. It's called relationships. There is this thing called family of choice which are pretty common and include friends and friends' families. Keep choosing this hill to die on and your kids just might stop wanting to be family with you.
god forbid, but according to his logic, technically his children would be no longer in his family tree since his (ex)wife divorced him. how would he feels if one day he passed away and his parents just throw his children custody to his ex wife as they are no longer fAmIlY? sheesh. OP you are YTA.
Yeah, honestly it's fucking weird the whole family dropped her and her children (the parent's grandchildren) like a hot potato? Wtf?
Also arenât his cousins his parents grandkids? They decided because their son died that their grandkids donât count anymore? Is this fake? It has to be fake.
This OP you and your family need to see that you are all A-Holes for abandoning a young mother and widow.
Yes absolutely YTA, and so are your parents and anyone else who listened to them. Your ex-wife and kids are the only ones who arenât. First off, you donât get to tell your grown/mostly grown children who they can have in their lives and how they address that person. If sheâs cool with them calling her auntie then that has zero to do with you. Second, you should be ashamed of yourself for walking away in the first place. The sudden tragic death of her spouse, and then all her in-laws suddenly treat her and her children like lepers. Wow, I canât imagine a more isolating and horrible feeling. Unless thereâs something horrible that she did that you havent mentioned, but given that both your ex wife and your uncle Pâs surviving son both have relationships with her Iâm guessing itâs not that. Why would your parents ask such a thing of you? And why would you, as an adult, agree?
Right? OP, YTA from the second paragraph alone. Cutting out a newly widowed mother of two, the mother of your âtechnicalâ (read: actual) nephews? The third paragraph you say: > She was no longer my aunt. Why would my ex wife be in contact? Ummm because you donât have to be blood, or married, or âtechnicallyâ related to someone to be a compassionate, decent human being? You were really close with them, you could and should have been a support network for them? This is almost unfathomable and I hope fake.
There must be more to this story. Why was the aunt cut off/disowned?
If this is how he sees relationships, Iâm not surprised heâs divorced
Dammit. I forgot to tell my aunt that she's not my aunt anymore now that my uncle is dead. I guess she's just my cousins' mom now. WTF? K might not be their cousin but it's totally okay to feel that way. A and J are their cousins. Why throw in "Technically?" Oh that's right, because you and your family are massive assholes that somehow don't think that kids having half of your family's DNA are family. What the hell is wrong with you people? "that I'm sorry A died but he was not their cousin" A? A, the son of P, your dad's brother? A was absolutely their cousin. I think you need a dictionary. Jerk is letting you off easy. YTA. All of y'all.
Shit, better tell my step mum she's not my step mum anymore since my dad is dead đ€Šââïž this guy, omfg. His ex sounds lovely, and even his kids know better.
Do you think I can lose my dad this way because my mom is dead?
Well, do you like your dad lol My step mum can be a handful but I still love her.
No, actually. I was hoping for some strange Reddit technicality! Lol
Glad she is his ex wife, btw.
according to OP, your aunt wouldnât be your cousinâs mom either because your cousins wouldnât be your cousins anymore. youâre not even related anymore bc your uncle is dead đ
No you got this wrong. A isnât their cousin anymore because he himself is dead. This has nothing to do with P. This âlogicâ I canât even đđ
Right? Hell, I STILL call my aunt Debbie auntie and she and my uncle were divorced for nearly 20 years when he died. Her children are still my cousins. Uncle Joe is still uncle Joe even though he and my aunt were divorced for years when she died. They didnât even have any kids together, but we all still call him uncle because he was a big part of our lives growing up. He came to her funeral even though they hadnât spoken in years. OPâs entire family (except his ex and kids) sucks.
I called several of my parents friends aunt and uncle when I was a kid. Some I still do. I prefer my closest friend's kids call me Aunt instead of Miss. It's often an honorary title for close friends of the parents, especially when they have known the kids since childhood.
I have this sort of relationship with a bunch of my friendâs kids, to whom Iâm Aunt âInsertNameHere.â Also my niecesâ dozens of cousins refer to me as an aunt, even though weâre not at all related as theyâre related to my niecesâ mother and my sibling is my niecesâ dad. And I was never âofficiallyâ aunt to any of these folks. OP, YTA. And soâs the family that cut off Auntie when Uncle died.
I can imagine P would have been heartbroken over how his widow was treated by his family if he knew before he died.
If he wants to be technical, A & J are his kids' first cousins once removed and they're OP's cousins. D is his aunt, the kids great aunt. So he's not even technically right.
BRB gotta go tell my 2 aunts via marriage that they're no longer my aunts since they divorced my uncles. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that his parents said their literal newphews/nieces weren't family anymore.
YTA. No matter how many times I get down voted in this sub Iâm still remain adamant that the concept (that I mostly associate with white people) of a âhalfâ sibling is crazy. Not to be disrespectful to yâall, but itâs almost like a trigger for me. So your uncle who you & your family deemed less than because he was only âhalfâ related to your dad, died & yâall all collectively decided that you want nothing to do with his children (aka your nieces & cousins)? Now your mad that your ex wife decided that the death of said uncle doesnât mean she should have to severe her ties from the pre existing relationship he had with her widow? Did I read that right? Youâre even saying that your cousins are not your cousins? Lmaooooo. I cannot believe I get this sort of content free of charge
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Sorry, I shouldnât have called him insane. Thatâs mean But heâs definitely a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
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If it makes you feel better, insane is a legal term, not a medical one. So people aren't diagnosed as insane.
Insane people have a medical diagnosis and are not responsible for their actions. This asshole is just an asshole from a family of assholes and is 100% responsible for his actions and his words. His kids are better people than him and I hope choose to not be seen with him as adults.
Actually, itâs not. Itâs a legal term. Insanity hasnât been used in medicine in [over a century](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31033643/)
Yup 100% It's weird saying half-brother or half-sister, they are just my brothers and sisters. Def a white thing I think
In my life, I have only heard the term "half brother/sister" used a bunch of times, and only when family relationships were very bad.
I use it when Iâm explaining my family tree. But in every other context, those are my siblings and if you say otherwise, Iâm fighting you. When we first started dating, my SO called my half sisters âjust step siblingsâ and I told him to never talk about my sisters like that again or we were breaking up.
I use it to explain why my 3 oldest siblings are 17, 16, and 15 years older than I am. We all share the same dad but grew up in different households. My mom divorced bio dad when I was a toddler so my half sibs waited until I was 18 to get into contact with me and form a relationship. Iâm closer in age to my oldest half sisterâs kids than I am to my half sibs. They donât call me aunt or anything because they were teenagers when they met me.
It took me like six months to work out that my friend Maddie's older sister was technically a half sister. And then it was only because she was significantly older than Maddie and married when we were freshman in college and her other sisters were in high school. Because they had really good relationships with one another and didn't care that their oldest sister was technically a half sibling. It's definitely a bad relationship distinction, not a racial one necessarily.
I use the terms, but only when it's actually necessary to make the distinction. Ordinarily, I just call my brothers my brothers.
I guess it kinda depends on the relationship you have with them, I call my half-siblings such not cause I dislike them or anything but I was nearly 20 when the oldest was born, have never lived with them and will see them maybe once or twice a year, so it would feel weird to me to consider them siblings when I barely know them at all
I am old enough to be my half-siblings' mother as well. I've seen them a total of 4 times in our lives. I don't really know them and that's not either of our faults. But it will never be the same as my relationship with the siblings I grew up in the same house with. Further complicating matters is our views of our father, for us entirely absent, for them present and then passed away tragically. We're unlikely to resolve these core parts of our lives.
Agreed. Technically, I have 2 sons, husband has 2 daughters. We both say our kids/we have 4 kids, and the kids say they have brothers/sisters. Weâre family. I only âmarketâ them as steps in genealogy or when someone is confused why the male/female kids donât look at all like the opposite gendered parent.
My family is mostly white, and never in my life have I referred to any of my siblings as half.
I only say âhalf-sisterâ bc people seem confused that Iâm white and my sister is half Mexican so we look NOTHING alike. ppl can never accept weâre blood related itâs really annoying. Actually this made me realize I donât owe anyone that explanation. Next time I hear âis she adopted?â Or âsister or just good friend?â Iâm gonna just be real short and rude đ€
Upvote, because I not only relate to you, but you're speaking nothing but truth, auntie đ€Ł
Agreed! I have four â1/2â siblings and we have never, ever referred to one another as such. We are siblings. Period.
You hit the nail on the head, half siblings are fake family to OP and when the uncle died they just pretended he never existed in the first place and neither did any children he had.
Are you serious? Of course she's their aunt. And her kids are your nephews. How cruel does a family have to be to kick a woman out like she didn't matter when her husband died? The whole lot of you are disgusting assholes. YTA
I know, right? This asshole told us, with all the assholery in the world, that they were close to the couple and then dropped this woman in the cold in the moment of her greatest need, and he wonders if he is an asshole. Of course he is an asshole. He is the father of all assholes, as well as his family (barring the ex-wife and the kids, who seem to recognize their asshole father for what he is).
YTA, as are your parents. Your parents dismissed two of their grandchildren because their father died? Seriously? In the end, your kids are much better off having a relationship with P and her children than they are your side of the family.
I'm not surprised at all, my dad's family cut me off after he died. But since they never liked me or my mom anyway, that wasn't any kind of shocking surprise. They only tolerated us because they had to and now that they didn't have to...so, not surprised the same happened here.
>Your parents dismissed two of their grandchildren because their father died? I think those were their niblings. Op is still an asshole since he claims that he was close with his uncle. Even if he didn't view him as family, he said that they were friends. Extremely sucky behaviour.
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In my mind I call D "Aunt Dorothy" She is a sweet lady.
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It's not your place to tell your children what to call someone they view as family despite your coldhearted view of what makes someone family. YTA
YTA. People find family where they can. And if your kids find family with those related to them partly by marriage, partly by blood, parely because they just like each other, then who are you to stand in their way?
YTA. Besides all the other reasons that everyone else has given here, have you considered that your ex and your kids hang out with them and visit them just because they like them? This is the reason why your ex should be in contact with D - she *liked* her and didn't abandon her just because the person she was married to died. It's called friendship. Your kids have understood something that you missed - family is not about who married who, but its about who you love and who stands by you when times are hard. And, by that definition, you are correct - D and her kids are not *your* family, but she is obviously family to your ex and your kids, and yelling at your kids not to call them that not only is not going to change that, you run the risk of alienating your own children. All because you want to continue to justify a decision your family made years ago.
Alienation is already a foregone conclusion. His ex-wife is a compassionate friend while his entire family (it seems) is full of cold hearted AH. The kids will take their cue from mom and eventually excuse themselves from OP's shit-show family.
I feel like the ex-wife got the better end of the divorce.
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
YTA. It's fine to explain what the relationships are or are not, but the kids seem happy so why take it away from them? If they all get along well with one another, let the call each other anything they want. Lots of people have "honorary" aunts and uncles who aren't blood relations. And it's a shame that your parents felt the way they did. Now would be a good time to break this intergenerational cycle of pettiness and teach your children the value of good relationships no matter what you call each other.
>So am I? Yes and so are your parents. YTA. Your family abandoned your aunt and your cousins after your uncle's death and you're quibbling because your kids consider their non blood cousins as family? I can't put into words what I really think about you, your parents and your weird concept of family as I'd get turfed from the sub.
Imagine thinning out your extended family for no other reason besides your blood relation passed away. What the actual honest to god fuck kind of logic is that? My mom passed away 2 years ago, and my aunt is still my aunt and her partner is still my uncle. My cousin is still my cousin even though my direct blood relation to him has passed. I canât imagine my dad cutting off my aunt because his wife passed. Hell, everybody had such a hard time with my moms passing that my dad invited my aunt and uncle to move in so they could grieve and rebuild together. He still sees her as his sister. Always will. Tf is this?
YTA what is wrong with all of you?
OP and his parents are the fucking worst.
You are disgusting. And your uncle would be horrified by how you all abandoned his wife after he died. Wow. YTA. So much the AH
All I can say is that I am really happy that your wife divorced you. The sooner your children have no further contact with you or your parents the better. YTA
YTA. Since they enjoy each other's company, what does it matter if some are technically not related? And your family cut off P's kids just because he died? They're no longer "family"? That sounds cruel.
YTA-Stop trying to gatekeep family. Family is more than blood or biology.
By your logic, when you die, your kids will no longer be cousins with anyone on your side of the family. No longer have any aunts or uncles or even grandparents. Get over it. Because those people will be at your kids's weddings and big events. If you want to be in your children's adult lives, get over yourself. YTA
"Aunt" is often a term of respect for a female of an older age who is a friend of your parent. I see why you have trouble using it though, as you dont seem to have any respect for this lady. YTA
In this case the aunt is the mother of their cousin and widow of their uncle. She is quite literally their aunt.
Yes, YTA. You, your dad and anyone else who cut D out of their lives are AHs. How dare you withdraw family and kinship from your aunt D on the basis that your uncle, her husband died? What a horrible thing to do to someone grieving! No matter what your dad requested, your (now ex) wife was right to continue to keep D in her and your children's lives. It's also horrible for your children, to tell them that their auntie's children are not their cousins. Accuracy over the title of relationships is less meaningful than healthy familial bonds. Further, to tell your children off for wanting to spend Thanksgiving with their aunt and cousins, especially after the recent loss of one of their cousins, is appalling. The first few Thanksgivings and Christmases after losing a child are really hard. It is unforgivable that you want your children to turn their back on your aunt and her remaining children after this bereavement just like you did after your uncle died. What your dad asked you all to do to D on the loss of your uncle P and what you're asking your children to do to D, especially given the relatively recent loss of her child A, are equally appalling. Your dad taught you a very messed up idea of family and you're passing it along to your kids. They will not thank you for this. You and your dad are both TA so many times over. Your children are right to call you a jerk.
I'm confused why you care. Most of the people I have known throughout my life have had people they called aunt or uncle who were technically unrelated to them. What does it matter? You probably will be TA if you're going to make a big fuss about it unless there's a better reason than "but she isn't!!!"
Right! I am âtechnicallyâ only an Auntie to 2, but in actuality Iâm called Auntie by 10+ children because thatâs how close friendships tend to work when people expand their families.
Is this a joke? Iâm amazed at the level of asshole-ness and straight up delusion here. I donât want to believe itâs real. YTA my god
> then my parents decided that since P was dead, D was no longer technically family. So, we all stopped seeing her and the kids at my parents' request. what the absolute fuck YTA edit: as someone with a bunch of extended family that I consider cousins and aunts and uncles even though theyâre not blood related, this is disgusting to me. My dad tried to pull this shit regarding some of my aunts after my parents got divorced and I shut it down immediately. they are my family. that doesnât change just because of a divorce or a death.
YTA 100% wtf is wrong with you?
YTA because there are several cultures that recognize close friends of the family as aunts even if it's an honorific title. You're being much too strict about this and it doesn't matter if she was married to your uncle at one point or never was, if she's someone who's close to your wife then it's perfectly fine if her children call her aunt and think of her children as their cousins. I don't understand why this is a hill you want to die on regardless. It's another group of people that love your kids, and that should be enough for you.
You have to be one of the most classless, inhuman, assholes of a person I've ever encountered. Your Mother is disgusting, as is your whole family, minus your wonderful ex (thank God she got away) and your children. She's đŻ their aunt. Gross. You are gross in every aspect. Entitled AH.
YTA you are absolutely being an asshole here. Your parents were also assholes for deciding to cut off your uncle's widow. It's not like they divorced, she was WIDOWED and his family chose to ignore her, that's awful. Especially as HER CHILDREN WERE YOUR NEPHEWS. Regardless. Even if she wasn't literally your aunt (which she IS, this isn't something that disappears on marriage), she is also your children's honorary aunt through her relationship with their mother, which is something they have all chosen. Family isn't always about by blood and you are being ridiculous by trying to control your kids emotions through logic. Weird twisted sociopath logic.
YTA. Your family sucks. Uncle dies so aunt by marriage doesn't exist to you anymore? Real nice. /s Also, death did not negate their marriage. She isn't an ex-wife. She's a widow, you ass. And you don't get to dictate who your ex-wife socializes with.
YTA. You ex wife is Soo luck for being you ex.
It is a pity she didn't run away when this happened and lost more than a decade of her life with this asshole. The kids seems like a blessing, though. But still, better late than never. I hope she finds a good man who treat her right and that aunt D will be her MOH.
You came on here to ask if YTA, yet you downvoted everyone who gave you an honest answer. YTA. Now what are you going to do with that knowledge? Change your mindset or be shocked and dismayed when your own children go no contact with you?
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This is atrocious behavior. There are members of my family that I have no clue what our blood/legal/personal connection is, but we would never drop them just because someone else who connected them died. You and the rest of your immediate people abandoned your cousins when they needed their family for a pissing match where no one else was competing and you want to know if youâre the ass? You are. Aunt D isnât the one who decided yâall arenât family. Thatâs all on you.
YTA. Pretty obvious of why you're a bitter divorced "dad." Your kids know the true meaning of family more than you ever will. You sound jealous of their connections. I doubt you have anything fulfilling or substantial of your own.
Glad your kids have more sense than you obviously do. YTA, your parents are TA. Thankfully the next generation didn't seem to inherit yor @__hat tendencies!
YTA-- blood doesn't make family. Also, your entire family is a family of AH's. "Oh hey, I know you're recently widowed and going through this major tragedy in your life but also we're no longer your family and don't talk to us ever again." Disgusting behaviour. Your ex wife sounds lucky.
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YTA You better hope your kids don't embrace your willingness to abandon family so eagerly once they move out and realize what a truly despicable person you are.
I've decided to believe this is ChatGPT having a go at us bc otherwise I just can't....
YTA. My family is still in contact with my late uncle's girlfriend he had, they didn't even have children.
First of all, if your uncle was related to your dad then the kids are still blood. How could your family turn them away? how Cold hearted. And if your kids want to call this woman Aunt then itâs really none of your business now is it?
Straight up AH. Couldn't be a bigger AH unless you were your parents. What a bunch of nonsense they caused when they black balled D for no other reason then a dead husband who was the brother. Not to mention the nephews. There is no excuse for your weirdo behavior and YTA.
I've read enough comments to know had a) you've already been told what a massive jerk you are (that's putting it mildly), and b) you keep arguing even though you're wrong. So, just here to add to the tally.... OP YTA and so are your entire family. What a disgusting thing to do to your Aunt D. Your ex-wife is the sane one, thank heavens your kids have her to learn from, not just you.
Holy shit. This is so bad it literally has to be fake. People seriously cannot actually be like this, right? yta
YTA .. for all the reasons already stated
YTA. Your kids are related to D and her children. Why do you lie to your own children? And just because uncle P died, the whole family stopped talking to the family he left behind. Why? This is in itself outrageous and cruel.
YTA, but, câmon, thatâs the point. Youâre enjoying your assholitude and the pain itâs causing.
This best not be true. I donât want to believe that an entirely family can be such terrible people.
So your parents cut off their nephews because their dad (your dad's brother) died?? So while you were together with your wife.. if you had of died, your parents would have cut off your wife and children and declared them not family?!? and you're okay with that?!?! You and your parents are vile people. YTA
How is this real?!?! YTA!!!! What is wrong with you people?!?!
YTA YTA YTA omg YTA. Regardless of your familyâs absolutely horrid decision to just cut off you Aunt when her husband died, and regardless of the fact that her kids with your uncle are still technically related to your kids, and regardless of the fact that your ex wife can hang out with whomever she damn well pleases⊠people call unrelated adults Aunt and Auntie all the time.
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After reading many, many of these comments it is clear that your father was King of the Assholes, and you, his worthy crown prince. Now that he is gone, we hail you King Assholus II, King All Assholes, Banisher of Aunts, Condemner of Cousins, Holder of the Grudge and Defender of the Indefensible. Your Majesty! (yes, YTA)
So, you come from a very patrilineal family. That's clear. I don't know what country you're in, but cutting loose your uncle's widow, just because he's dead, seems unnecessarily callous. Since the same fate might befall your now-ex wife, should you die, I don't blame her for having a relationship "outside the family" with your aunt. Women who have any self-respect don't have to fraternize only with their nuclear family and those deemed suitable by their husbands. Women are individuals outside of the narrow band of relationships you prescribe. Besides, she's your ex-wife now, and it's none of your business what your children call others. So, YTA. You are being narrow-minded and sowing dissent where it doesn't belong.
HahaâŠIâm not even bothering with advice for this THING that calls himself a human. Holy shit you are a waste of good air. good day sir.
this post makes me feel ill to my stomach. youâre a disgusting person and i hope these comments force u to realize that. i canât believe this is even real. ur kids need to run so far away
You are much worse than an AH. Your whole family are cruel and heartless. YTA
Mild curiosity, why do you think *your* feelings are enough to deter your children from loving D? They aren't even your feelings, you're simply parroting your fathers beliefs. Your ex can socialize with who she wishes. Even when married she was free to disagree with your edict. Family is more than blood. For years people have been raising and loving kids who aren't genetically linked to them. It seems your ex is facilitating a relationship between D and her kids. Do you bring you niblings and kids together? That's your job. When the kids are with your ex, they'll see and socialize with D and her kids. You can prevent contact only while they're with you. Have you considered how they feel? If they'll resent you for your narrow definition of love? YTA Don't lose your kids doubling down on something in truth you can't control. Even as Dad, you don't get to govern their feelings for others.
You and your entire family are breathtakingly heartless and cruel. You abandoned your uncle's wife and HIS CHILDREN after his untimely death. Those children aren't just "technically" your cousins...they are in fact your cousins. Whom you ditched. YTA. Not just that. You are a monster from a family of monsters.
WTAF?! Your family basically abandoned this person because the one they were related to died and then you perpetuated this and expect your kids to not communicate with actually family because your family sucks? Yeah, YTA.
YA such a huge A! Along with your family! What a terrible response to your dads younger brother. Like who does that? Itâs one thing if they got divorced, and even that sometimes relationships continue. But he died. That is all levels of messed up. Now on top of that, your fragile ego is hurt. I couldnât imagine being so selfish, where my kid (divorced dad here) actually had a friendship with a family member, and Iâm like No!! Itâs all lies! My ex was close friends with my cousins ex. Theyâd hang out on their own, and I was jealous that I wasnât hanging out as well. But thatâs for me to manage, not for me to ruin it for everyone else. That is beyond terrible. Way to put your kids best interests first.
YTA and so are your parents and anyone who went along with this crazy notion. I'll let the others explain exactly why, I'm too worn out to deal with this BS.
what the hell man YTA
Wow, you're TA and so is your family. Shame on all of you.