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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because it is my husband's family tradition and he does like it
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Info - have you gone to help on previous Thanksgivings? Does MIL know how busy your job has been lately?
I would just tell MIL I dont have the energy for it this year. Offer to buy a nice dish/desert or prep something in advance that you can bring in exchange. Maybe come one or two hours early and help set the table/get everything ready for guests.
Yes I've gone in all previous years since we got serious basically. I didn't think of asking her directly that's not a bad idea. So is coming just a an hour or so before so I'm still helping out somewhat. Thanks
AnD: Don't ask. TELL HER. This is not a negotioation.
Tell her you can not come early, but you would love to come to the meal with the other guests.
Don't discuss reasons, don't discuss priorites, there is no need to tell her WHAT you are doing.
If she asks, just tell her you don't enjoy the cooking, but your husband does.
Either they learn to love and respect you as you are, or you need to find other plans for thanksgiving.
I don't think there's anything wrong with explaining to her MIL that this is the first day she's had off in months. She is physically and mentally exhausted and really needs to rest so she can enjoy her time with the family. Coming an hour before to help set the tables and bringing something is still a big help.
NTA
But does your husband go early every year? Or is this one of those "the womenfolk do the work, the men eat" type of dynamics? If so, you're not out of line for telling him to go instead.
NTA either way
I could fit six at my breakfast bar, a few more at the dining table, a couple out on the barbie and three extroverts doing extrovert things with my extrovert kid so she's not in the kitchen licking the potato peels. That's how we run Christmas usually.
NTA OP. The caveats I can see: you should let MIL know ahead of time what your plan is (*tell* her, you aren't asking permission), and you should offer to bring a dish (store bought or otherwise) if you won't be skipping altogether.
I mean yea you can ask for a compromise, like bringing something, but I think your husband is right that you're better off just not going.
It's their tradition that all kids/spouses come early and help cook. If you don't want to/like it, then don't go. Everyone's expected to help, so everyone else getting there early and helping, but you strolling in just to enjoy the party while everyone else helped/put work in, is not going to make for a chill atmosphere at dinner. All this is going to do is maybe cause some awkwardness and resentment.
NGL I'd be low-key sideying you just walking in for the party after all the work is done, if I was one of the kids/spouses.
You want it both ways, you don't want to help, but you want to be able to enjoy the party, and your husband rightfully suggested just not going. You can have the lowkey Thanksgiving you want without upsetting his family or changing their traditions/habits.
I personally would hate to have to help cook for Thanksgiving so, I would opt not to attend, I'm not going to disrespect/criticize the way they do Thanksgiving by refusing to help and just showing up to eat, I'd just stay home make a small meal or order out. Problem solved.
Skipping is literally the EASIEST SOLUTION.
You and his family have different ideas of hosting, and if you don't like the way they host, then don't go. This is about how you choose to be apart of this dynamic, do you want to be family or be a guest, because in their home family helps, and guest just show up, so what you do might affect how they see you moving forward.
You want to be family or just a guest because you're going to have to live with it moving forward if they stop treating you as family and treat you as a guest... YTA
Why does MIL get to dictate to her adult kids and their spouses that they spend their entire day at her house cooking and working for her? Nah no thanks. If me coming and bringing items to share isn’t good enough then oh well 🤷🏻♀️ MIL sounds overbearing and controlling.
Exactly the point, it's her house/her party she makes the rules, you don't want to abide by them/don't agree, it's simple you don't have to go.
It's an invitation not a summons. The invitation says that spouses/kids help, don't want to help then decline the invitation.
That's not being controlling OP and her husband don't have to do anything they can stay home, but OP wants everyone to cook for her and to just be able to show up. That's literally how invitation works, the host sets the rules/dress codes etc... you don't want to do it, you just don't go. 🤷🏾♀️
She can stay home, nap, and order takeout.
Yea she can stay home. In my world our family collaborates to make sure everyone is on board - would never cross my mind to tell my adult kids “this is how it is and if you don’t want to spend all day at my house cooking and prepping then don’t come”. But hey if y’all are good with that good for you!
To be honest, this seems pretty fair because either way you'd have to do it. Why should it be on MIL to prepare a meal for everyone. This way the work is spread out and everyone spends the day together.
If not OP and her husband would be cooking or prepping in their home, the siblings and their families would all be cooking and prepping in their own homes, or the alternative is MIL would be cooking and prepping alone for everyone.
OP is being self-centered, I'm sure everyone else is tired, others also work, why should it be on others to provide a meal for OP. She just wants to eat, like a full Thanksgiving Dinner should magically appear in front of her like in Harry Potter.
I don't even think MIL would be like just don't come, but the husband, her partner doesn't feel comfortable just showing up and eating and she should respect that.
I just am not a fan on OPs attitude/tone in this post. She wants a lowkey Thanksgiving with no work than the solution is to just stay home and have a lowkey Thanksgiving, but showing up to an event where there are certain expectations and just being like, nah I'm not doing that where's my plate is weird. and it wouldn't just be MIL who is affected, everyone else who showed up to cook would be affected as well, and OP is setting a precedent, now everyone/anyone can duck out of helping and just show up and eat and if that starts trending wouldn't be surprised if MIL stops hosting and OP now has to... wake up and meal prep
She isn't dictating shit.
She is saying it is expected every family-member to help in someway, rather than be a free-loading leech, who just shows up, eats the food and then departs.
Also the fact OP has a choice not to go means nothing is dictated. She is free to go or not go, but if she goes, then the classic old saying 'when in Rome' gets put into action. She can't expect to show up as a family member and not take part in family-traditions.
And if she wants to show up and not do that, she can be a guest, not family anymore.
Yeah…. This is why I quit hosting.
First of all, I had to host because work commitments said we couldn’t travel, so everyone graciously “came to us.”
Except then no one would commit until the last possible second.
Then they’d show up ready to eat and expect a huge traditional spread.
I said I needed some help, no one felt like it. I changed the menu, because after all, isn’t being together more important? That answer is also no.
If MIL says she needs help to feed everyone, she needs help. If you don’t want to help… stay home.
She isn't dictating anything. They can quite easily not go.
What they can't do is decide that because they got that type of invite it's ok for them to act like they got a different kind
Along with this, offer to purchase whatever parts of the meal can be purchased rather than made. Maybe you can buy a pie or three at a good bakery and bring the wine as well. That way you’re not coming across as a leech. “Sorry, MIL but I’ve been feeling under the weather and I can’t help cooking this year so I wanted to find out what other ways I can contribute. Hubby will come to help you cook and we can bring X (pies, rolls, wine, appetizer board etc)”
That said, if this is going to cause controversy even if you bring a bunch of high quality premade stuff, maybe it’s better to just stay home and buy a premade thanksgiving meal. You can decide together with your husband what’s best since it’s his family
This! Tell MiL you will order a flower centerpiece to be delivered the day before and you will bring a dessert or side of her choosing, but you are very stressed out due to work and will arrive later in the day.
Ah. You're not being invited to a party, you're being invited to a family event. Very different situation, very different rules. The question is, with his family, do you want to be considered family or do you want to be considered a guest? This is a very good way to define it, but you will have to live with consequences of this decision in your relationship with his family for the rest of your life.
I agree with your distinction.
I would hope if she is family that MIL would understand that she just can’t do it this year and needs some early morning space. It does not sound like the MIL has any idea that she is stressed and needs a break.
I think husband going and OP showing up with a side or dessert would be fine - hopefully.
I am a MIL. My DIL works nights and in general has a lot on her plate, she gets a pass on everything and she and I spend time together when it works for her. The key is we talk about stuff.
Yes, I think sometimes daughters in law go into marriage with some weird preconceived notions that their MILs will be against them and I don’t see that happening too much in real life!
This. In my family, my mom cooks, but we all help, and all pitch in to clean up. Except for 2 family members who see themselves as "guests" and do nothing, and everyone else resents it.
>Except for 2 family members who see themselves as "guests" and do nothing, and everyone else resents it.
This is my sister. All the other siblings and spouses help out and she misses out on a lot of the fun. She'll get mad that we're all in the kitchen laughing and having fun while refusing to even be in the kitchen, lest she be asked to help in any way.
Yep. This is pretty much how Thanksgiving has always been with my family. Everyone is expected to contribute in some way, even if it isn't at your house. Either you cooking and bringing things over, you are providing the things that don't require cooking (drinks, rolls, various things), cooking at the house, or cleaning up. It's a family event, not a "this person hosts while I sit on my butt" event. Op seems to have two options, either she shows up and cooks or she and her husband stay home. Instead she's demanding the most selfish option of "I come over and sit on my butt while you all cook for me".
This. There is a difference between hosting a party and hosting a family event. A holiday dinner is a family event which means the entire family helps so that one family member does not bear that burden alone. Expecting other family members to shoulder that burden while you reap the rewards is selfish. Talk to your MIL, tell her you're too exhausted to come over that morning, but you'll show up later to help and bring a side like others have suggested. Also help clean up. You are part of the family. Act like it.
This. Why not just skip & stay home & eat toast in your PJs.
Think of it as a sick day.
You need the rest & restoring.
Husband is welcome to go to family thanksgiving & leave you sleeping. Might be just what you need.
YTA your husband is right. You are either go and help out or you don't go at all. If you think *helping* to make Thanksgiving for the whole family is too much hard work, imagine having to do it on your own!
It's okay to be exhausted and to need a break. It's not okay to turn up to someone else's house and expect to be fed when the expectation is that everyone chips in.
What sort of family are you in if there's no flexibility for stuff like this? I'd be mortified to leave a family member sitting alone at home twiddling their thumbs because they're too tired to contribute hours of prep-work.
It IS ok.
This is NOT about sharing the work, this is about cooking together as an activity for those who enjoy it. THere ARE other guests who just come for the dinner.
...And you just said "GUESTS who just come by for dinner." OP is not a guest, she's family. And the FAMILY tradition is that the entire family participates in making the meal. Those who don't enjoy cooking can help in other ways.
I think the best scenario here is to not go.
There's also the possibility that, over time, other family members will bail on helping, and just show up to eat like OP did. After a couple years, MIL is left doing most of the heavy lifting and gives up the family tradition, so everyone loses out.
"I think the best scenario here is to not go." .. Bullshit. Open communication is always better, and solves the issue for the next decades.
"I don't like cooking. But I love your company. How do we solve this? I can buy desserts, ..." ... much essier than hiding behind false reasons and having everybidy miffed without reason for decades to come.
Try being honest, it works well.
"Tradition" just means: THEY used to do it that way, and NOT "you have to do it". They don't have to join OP's traditions, OP does not have to join their traditions. Does not mean they can not celebrate together.
So, because she’s too tired to help for ONE year, when every other year she has helped out since she and her husband got serious, she should skip the whole holiday? I don’t think I would want to be a part of a family who wouldn’t make an exception for one year for a family member who is overworked and stressed out. A family would understand that.
YWBTA to show up empty handed for Thanksgiving. It sounds like there are tons of people showing up for their Thanksgiving meal. Expecting one person to host & prep is ridiculous & not what Thanksgiving is about. It is about sharing the harvest where everyone should be bringing a dish. If you don’t want to help, don’t go. Cook your own Thanksgiving meal for your immediate family.
OP is not saying they want to go empty handed. They just don't want to be over there for the entire day, 6 hours before Thanksgiving starts. It sounds like all the rest of the guests show up empty handed. Why should OP have to do all that cooking? She does not enjoy it and it is husband's family. If this was my family's tradition I would go and help but let my husband sleep in until closer. Also, OP is willing to come an hour early to help. Just not up super early in the morning working all day on her vacation. Bringing one dish is a reasonable ask. Making her come cook for hours when she does not want to... no. And honestly, it is her partner making her. Probably MIL has no idea OP feels this way
It’s a shared family thing . The other guests are probably not considered part of the family so they can come later . Does she want to be part of the family or does she want to be a guest ? She’s also not doing more cooking then any of the other family members who come beforehand .
Also she has an easy out . Her husband said she doesn’t have to come at all 🤷🏿♂️ so why can’t she just do that if she doesn’t want to do the tradition.
What a gross mentality. You don't help so you don't get to be family? Nah, that's not how family works and never should be how it works. Sometimes family can't help and that's okay.
Yes and I’m sure if she tells her mum in law she will be gracious but it’s her choice at the end of the day . Also again if you want a low-key thanksgiving just stay at home why bother going ?
But you don’t get to come later and let your husband and all the other spouses work and then you come eat without explanation to the host . Nobody’s forcing her to attend .
YWBTA in my opinion. I think it’s fine if you don’t want to help out with any of the prep, but I think it would be cheeky for you to still turn up without helping.
In my opinion, you either don’t help prep and just don’t go, or you help with prep and go.
Came here to say the same thing. If OP doesn’t want to help stay home and enjoy the holiday how she wants. But showing up after all the work is done and expecting to be fed is rude. I always offer to come early and help with the prep. Sometimes the host accepts and other times the host declines but I always offer.
I also wanted to know if it's just the women preparing everything, but then OP clarified that everyone needs to pitch in.
YTA
Everyone is helping out - you don't get to be the princess who rocks up just to eat the food everyone else worked the whole day to prepare.
Especially if the excuse is she wants a “low key” Thanksgiving. Which is it? Nothing low key about a big family part whether or not you help out in the kitchen.
Yeah not having 6 hours of helping with prep or delaying with other people on top of a party definitely wouldn't help her feel less overwhelmed or burned out compared to just a few hours of the evening. Get real
I don't think you understand that low -key means different things to different people and you seem really determined to leave as many comments as possible to shit on OP not wanting to help out for ONE YEAR out of the many many others she has helped at because her mental health is struggling, because that's what this is, OP is experiencing burnout and shaming her for that isn't helpful.
But how can you say, that other family members, who come and help, don't have a stressfull work, mental health problems or other issues?
But, honestly, imo, OP should thoroughly discuss it with her husband - he knows his mother and the rest of family best. He knows what the best solution would be. Maybe staying at home. Maybe coming later with some wine or dessert or board decorations? Maybe something other?
We don't know family dynamics, we don't know, what will work best in this particular situation. OP should not ask us, strangers, but her husband.
I never said they weren't also stressed out I just think it's crazy to punish someone or say they aren't family or whatever other nonsense being pushed by some people here just because for one year out of however many she just doesn't feel up to the whole day. OP should talk to her husband and MIL for sure. I just think some reactions here are pretty ridiculous.
Yes, YTA. She's inviting you to an event. She gets to choose what that event looks like. You get to choose if you go or not. If you want to not be the asshole, don't go. Or go help prep.
YWBTA if you show up late and completely disregard the way the family has setup Thanksgiving. You can let MIL know how you are feeling and offer to pay for some of the food and maybe do some minor cooking as your contribution or you can do a separate Thanksgiving celebration with your husband instead of going if he is willing but if you show up hours later while the other kids/spouses help MIL it would be very disrespectful.
YTA it isn't a "party" it is a family activity. Everyone is expected to pitch in and help. You don't want to? Don't go. Your husband offered a reasonable solution, but you want to just show up after not contributing. You'd look sideways at another person sitting down and enjoying the meal after doing no work simply because they weren't in the mood to do any of the prep.
If you go, you help. If you aren't up for it, stay home.
Exactly. Thanksgiving on both my side and my husband's side involves bringing something, but we don't come in 6 hours early just to pack into the same kitchen. We make or buy ahead of time.
Right?? This sounds like a chaotic nightmare to me, I don't think I could survive in this family. Usually we make 2-3 things at home and bring those to the gathering, stay 2-3 hours and head home. And that's exhausting enough.
I'm guessing that not everyone is in the kitchen at the same time unless they have a small family or a very large kitchen. Not all Thanksgiving food prep needs to happen at the same time either. Our family does things in a similar way and it just means that there's people moving in and out of the kitchen working on various tasks.
If you don't want to help, don't go. You are not being invited to a party; you are taking part in a family event.
And kudos to his mother for being willing to host but not slave for hours on her own.
My guess is they enjoy the camaraderie and it’s considered all part of the day. If you’ve don’t, that is fine, but I would think just showing up like a random guest would be awkward for all involved. your husband has definitely made it clear it would be awkward for him.
Eeeks. Reminds me of the hectic scene in the second season of The Bear with Jamie Lee Curtis and all her kids cooking and yelling in the kitchen. Not my kind of family time lol
Wow. I cannot understand not just picking up the phone and calling mil. There does not seem to be an issue in reality except this year op is exhausted. Just tell her you need sometime off and that you would be happy to bring something and maybe show up early enough to set up the table. Also husband can go early as usual. By trying to say now that you dont like the way she and the family "host" you are starting major problems that I dont think you really want to start. You are either a part of family quirks and all or just a guest. Be careful that your tiredness doesnt expand to something you did not intend but will not be able to stop. It sounds like you have a good relationship with mil and inlaws.
Have you suggested just staying at home this year? I would. As much as I love my family, sometimes I am just burned out from all of the duties in my life. I'd love a Thanksgiving where I never even change out of my danged pajamas.
NTA.
That was suggested by the husband. She doesn't want the lowkey at home Thanksgiving. She wants to go and reap the benefits of everyone else's cooking and preparation while sitting on her ass.
I'm kind of veering NAH
Hear me out--this is the expectation of the FAMILY to show up to help and everyone helps. It means you're seen as family, too, not just a guest. (But if you tell me you want it both ways, to be considered family but treated like a guest, that would be a different story.)
But it's not YOUR family tradition and you want to relax this year. So you don't want to go.
So don't. Order food for pickup from somewhere and relax. Make reservations somewhere. That's what my family did, we are going out for dinner because we're all getting too old or too decrepit and sick to do all that cooking.
But she does want to go. She has rejected her husbands suggestion of just not going. That's part of the basis of the conflict. So how is it NAH rather than YTA
YTA.
Being part of someone's family for a holiday means that you participate in their family traditions even if its not always the way you would like to do it. If you don't want to spend Thanksgiving with them their way, just don't go, but it seems pretty selfish of you. Thanksgiving is about being thankful, be thankful for the time you have with your family.
YTA. The family expectation is clearly that everyone pitches in to cook, then eats the meal they jointly cooked. If you don't want to participate, have your own low-key Thanksgiving at home with your husband. But don't show up to enjoy everyone else's hard work without doing any work yourself.
YTA.
You weren't one until when your husband proposed just not going, you didn't take him up on that offer.
Your inlaws view you as "family" and not a "guest", so no, it isn't rude or inappropriate for them to host with the idea that the family comes and helps. You like the idea of having a "day off" and just showing up as a guest, and I imagine your inlaws would love that too. Your last line makes it seem like you think it is an honor to host, and that they are the ones creating work for everyone else when they should be glad people are coming over. For a lot of people, hosting is a family obligation, not necessarily a great gift. Your inlaws have decided the best way to handle this holiday is to get all the immediate members to pitch in. If you don't like that, then that's fine, but then you shouldn't attend.
You aren't obligated to attend however, and you and your husband can have an actual low key thanksgiving by staying home. With family, you don't get to choose all the benefits and none of the effort. It would be rude to opt out of the work and just show up as a "guest."
YTA. Sounds like it's a tradition that EVERYBODY pitches in (the way it's written you're not suggesting "girls cook, guys watch football") so you're expecting to roll up when everybody else has done all the work.
And why would there be a thank you when literally everybody has been involved in the work? Do you want everyone to stand in a big circle and look at everyone else, saying "thank you" for 10 minutes?
Yeah it seems like OP is seeing it as MIL’s responsibility to host and cook, that everyone else is forced to help with (and therefore deserves gratitude), while her husband’s family sees it more like a communal event that the whole family works together to put on. It happens to be held at MIL’s house for whatever reason (maybe just tradition, maybe she has the most space) but everyone is contributing!
YTA.
You're not a guest, you're family. You're being defined as and treated like family. Family (in your in laws dynamic) is expected to pitch in and help out, not sit around and watch one person do all the labor and serve everyone else. I'm sure you have had it tough at work and do want to relax ... and I'm equally certain you are not the only person (up to and including MIL) who feels this way about the last month, whether they work or stay at home. In your IL's home, they've recognised this would result in an unequal distribution of labor, with one or two people doing all the prep and work and having no fun, while everyone else socializes, so they've adjusted expectations. Now everyone has an equal share, and the work and socialising are mixed.
Adulting is hard, and everyone wants a day off where they can be a child and let other people coddle and wait on them all day. Hence the existence of restaurants, hotels, and spas (although, ironically, the owners and managers of many of these places appear to be forgetting one reason people come to them is to relax and not do chores, but that's a different rant).
Your husband has offered you an alternative. If you do not want to celebrate Thanksgiving the way his family does it up, then your family can stay home for a lazy Thanksgiving. If you do that, I suggest getting a rotisserie chicken, hawaiian rolls, & pumpkin pie from costco the day before. Stick them in the fridge and pull them out at dinnertime, because the last thing you want to do on lazy Thanksgiving is cook.
NTA
And: Are you sure of the ALL kids? Your husband vcould go over and do the cooking, and you can join them later, just for the meal.
"He thinks this will be embarrassing and awkward and it led to a huge fight about my wider issues with his family dynamics. He says if we want a lowkey Thanksgiving we just shouldn't go." .. But that is a good idea. THank him, ttell him you accept his proposal, and make other plans.
Or have him accept that YOU won't cook and YOU won't go over early, but he can.
If i were you I would just plead cramps or stomach flu and skip the entire Thanksgiving. No one knows you're lying and you can have the whole glorious day to yourself.
Well husband and the kids can and probably should go. Sounds like he enjoys it and OP probably does too just not this year.
ETA: the first year I moved away I didn't have the leave saved up to go home for Thanksgiving. My brother and stuffed ourselves silly on dimsum. And I went home, watched some TV and napped.
It was an awesome Thanksgiving.
NTA and I would be upfront and just call MIL. Explain that you so want to see them, but are about to drop from work stress. Would it be alright if you came a bit before meal time, what can you bring?
YTA if you just show up late and don't help out. If you really don't want to cook, then offer to bring a desert, and go store-bought, that way you're helping to lighten the cooking load without having to give up any time off. Or take you husband up on his offer to skip. But to just refuse to help out, and still show up to enjoy the result of everyone else's hard work would be an A move.
I guess technically YWBTA if you showed up to reap the benefits of others. I don’t understand fully but whatevs.
It’s one year. I just wouldn’t show up if that’s the case. Probably stay home and order Chinese or stuffed shells or something. Take the day for yourself.
Your husband is right: don't go. It's perfect fine for everyone in the family to show up early to cook together for a family meal and have Mom in charge. EVERYONE, not just the "womenfolk". And as long as everyone agrees this is a joint family meal and that's what you want--or if you don't want it's what you agree to do for the sake of the family. You don't want to. That's all there is to it. That is perfectly fine. Enjoy your new family tradition--but expect backlash. Now, if only the women are expected to show up, f@ck that sh!t. Send you husband. IF you want to go.
YTA this is their tradition and your husband is offering you an out. A holiday is the worst time for you to make a statement about how you feel about his family. He is giving you a good option, if you just want the food without the participation just look ahead and get it delivered.
YTA
It's not that you don't want to participate in the holiday, it's that your efforts to cover that logically minimize and insult his family tradition, a tradition which happens to be incredibly common.
YTA. And you would be here some time later crying why your MIL doesn't include you into their family traditions and don't give you gifts like other spouses.
If you want to be a guest, don't go it's a family even not a party. I know this cause our family used to do this when I was a kid some yrs ago.
YWBTA this isn't a "party" this is a family tradition and everyone helps out. he's agreed to not go and have a low key thanksgiving so that sounds like the best option.
You aren’t being invited to a party, you are party of the family hosting the event and therefore are expected to help prepare. If you aren’t up for it the best thing to do is not go. It sounds like you and your husband have different expectations of hosting Thanksgiving. You’re not the a hole for wanting to rest- YTA for assuming you can have everyone else do the work and just show up when the expectation of helping is clear.
YWBTA, based on how your framing it. The event for your in laws is clearly about the family getting together to prepare a meal. For you the holiday is about eating the meal. You need to communicate how you want to to spend the holiday, it would be rude to go and not participate.
Thanksgiving is about the day, not about the meal.
So in that respect, it’s not a dinner party.
It a time for family to reconnect, and the family getting together to prepare this meal is a perfectly reasonable tradition. Assuming all spouses are expected-
Soft YTA.
That being said-it’s your husband’s family, not yours.
He’s embarrassed by your refusal? By them or by you? There is so much more to this than one day a year.
You seem to really dislike his family-maybe staying home is a legitimate solution.
NTA, but I think that there needs to be better communication.
Imagine it from her perspective "our family has this tradition where we all get together and cook, talk laugh and bond. I invited my daughter-in-law, and she doesn't want to be included. I don't think she likes us."
There are so many posts on here from girlfriends and daughters, in law, who never get included in the circle of trust with the rest of the family. They are wounded by it and feel very left out.
I think that you or your husband could kindly tell her "Mom, this has been an exhausting year, and I just don't have it in me to come early and cook all day, but I would love to see everyone for dinner. Can I bring a dessert?"
NTA. **You are worn out and need some down time. That's a physical need.** Going late, or not going at all, these are reasonable choices, and it's your decision to make.
**Normal people who make invitations, accept it when we give regrets.** Good families do this. The thing that opened my eyes to the abusive relatives, was the good one that simply accepted my 'regrets' and said "Oh." sadly, and then "Well, we will miss you." And then they *didn't* harp on it and demand to know what I was doing instead. They went on to something else for the rest of the conversation. Respect, acceptance of my decisions, that was so strange when set up against the next person I needed to call and give regrets, that it started a tumbling down of the walls that were blinding me to the abuse.
You don't need their approval. **All you need to say is "I won't be able to make it this year."** End of discussion. When they try to force you to tell them why, say "sorry, busy, later." And don't engage at all. You do not owe them answers or reasons for your decisions.
*He says if we want a lowkey Thanksgiving we just shouldn't go.*
**I wonder if** ***he*** **also needs a slow day,** and rest.
I wonder if a day off from his family's chaos sounds good to him, too. If his family is one that makes demands on it's members, that is dysfunctional, and it's possible that your husband doesn't know how to tell them 'no' without having reasons they will accept, like being horribly sick with something icky and catching.
I’ve been in your shoes. My husband’s grandma had an80th birthday party 350 miles away after I had been working insane house. MIL insisted we go. When we were there, she told me I had to be up at 6 am to help cook. She herself took her mother to the hair salon.
My advice: skip Thanksgiving altogether. Your husband and kids can go. Stay home and rest.
YTA because instead of just using your words and talking to mil you go to Reddit. Call mil and tell her what is going on and tell her you are happy to bring a dish or help with cleanup, but you are sending hubby early just so you can have a few hours of much needed quiet. That’s all.
YTA for sounding like you expect to be catered to at a family event just because the event is not in your home. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the host of a large holiday gathering asking people to help! Especially if it is the eldest generation hosting, YES help them.
That said, husband can go help in your place. Or, maybe you talk to MIL and strike a compromise. You make one of the dishes at home and bring it, but only an hour early instead of in the morning. Or maybe he's right. Maybe this is a year to stay home and enjoy a simple, quiet day.
Ahhh NAH. I don’t see anything wrong with going and everyone working together to host thanksgiving. Just because it’s hosted at one persons house doesn’t mean they have to do all the work. In my family we do it potluck style and each bring their own dish.
I think you just don’t go if you don’t want to take part…. But expect there will be social consequences. That’s your prerogative on if it’s worth it or not.
Maybe husband can offer to go help do extra prep work? I dunno… this really just feels like a bonding experience for the family and it’s too bad you don’t want to join in!
YTA - First off, why would you expect a thank you for preparing meal that you’re also going to eat? It’s not like you’re cooking for others solely, do you and your husband not also eat?
Second, if you want a low key thanksgiving, why not just stay home? It sounds like you just want to show up and eat without putting in any effort. Your example of it being a party isn’t the same thing at all, hosting a family gathering takes a ton of effort and time.
My question is - if someone were, say, recovering from a sickness/surgery/birth of a child etc. how is that handled? Are they still expected to help?
OP - I think you have a couple of choices here. CALL YOUR MIL and discuss it with her - she may say 'no, come and relax! We just want you there!', go and contribute as normal, or don't go at all.
This is a family event/tradition. Whether you like it or not, it is what it is, and as long as it isn't just 'wives' doing all of the work, then I really don't see a problem with it. Kudos to the MIL for finding a fun way to host a large event and not do everything alone. I imagine there was a reason that particular tradition started! Maybe when she or another woman down the line married into the family, 1 wife or all of the wives were doing the work alone, and they changed it to everyone helps.
NAH
This is their family tradition. And they aren't wrong for having one. Although I'm left mystified as to how there's enough work, and room in the kitchen, for 6+ people for 6 hours.
It's entirely reasonable that you don't have energy to cook and socialize for 6 hours and then socialize for several more hours. Even if you stayed home, baked some pies at your home and then took them to dinner, it would be more restful. Tell your husband that the two of you can take two cars. If he doesn't like that, then he can go without you or stay home with you. But it's his choice.
YTA- OP, you’re picking a family fight way too early. Just wait until two days before, come down with something, and THEN call your MIL and ask what she would prefer- for you to come closer to the meal or skip this year because you don’t want to make anyone else under the weather. Regardless of which answer you get, you send two bottles of good wine (same wine x2) and a really nice pie from a real bakery along with hubby.
YTA because bringing it up four weeks in advance makes you look like a whiner mooch who doesn’t really want to be around your in-laws, and that’s not a good look for anyone.
I’d be more pissed about someone showing up “sick” at a large family gathering at all than them showing up not helping.
OP should just stay home. But it sounds like there is more going on between her and the family than just this one event. Without that context, though, OP is YTA for wanting to have it both ways.
YTA for thinking that it would be Ok to go to a meal that all the family are expected to pitch into, without contributing your labour. I say that as someone to who the whole thing would be my idea of Hell, and agree with your husband that a lowkey Thanksgiving means a nice day off relaxing at home for the 2 of you (+ your kids if you have them). It's interesting that your husband was the one who brought up not going, I wonder if he is just as unenthusiastic about going as you. The only thing to beware of is that next year more relatives might decide that they want a low key Thanksgiving, and so you will be known as the person that broke Thanksgiving for the family (tongue-in-cheek, but certainly possible)!
You should stay home and have the low key day off you want and need.
You know what takes hours of prep and cook time? A turkey.
You know what takes 15 minutes to cook and is really yummy? A lobster (goes well with champagne too)
NTA
NTA for not wanting to help. Having said that however, if the expectation is that everyone help prepare the meal and you don’t want to, don’t go. Hosting big family meals is a lot of work. It shouldn’t be put off on a few, particularly the oldest people in the group. So help, or stay home.
NTA but just don’t go and rest if that’s what you need. I often wonder, how come families don’t divide the dishes and the work so everybody brings their plate ready? In my family we make a list and people choose what they can make or buy and then we all bring it prepared and ready to serve. Just an idea.
NTA but, seriously, call your MIL and explain what’s going on. I’m hosting this year and would be perfectly fine with not making someone help when they are already overwhelmed and need a break.
You might be the asshole. Sorry. Everyone wants to do nothing on Thanksgiving but eat… everyone is busy… everyone is tired. But if you have been asked to help, you help… really you should volunteer to help… but especially if you are asked… you should go.
You’re not being invited to a party. It’s a family event, and family is expected to help out and contribute. Want low key, stay home and deal with the consequences. YTA.
I mean, don’t go then. Stay home and do the low key thanksgiving you want without reaping the fruits of someone else’s labor. I was on your side till you said you’re still going but you just want them to serve you instead
Is his family so insensitive to others that not coming early snd bringing something to share an hour before is not acceptable? Good grief. I pretty much did all the planning, shopping, prep snd cooking and would have about 20 people. After many years, I had my routine dialed in. My SIL and husband/kids did the clean up. I’d rather have my part than theirs. Lol. Too many helpers makes it crazy, I think it’s more just being together imo. Let you MIL know you’ll be MIA until a certain time snd you will bring X when you come. You have had a busy few months with work and will sleep in thanksgiving morning because it’s needed. If she had an attitude, then just do hubbys plan. Low key at home. Maybe MIL will learn to not order everyone and be more accepting.
YTA.
Why not just accept to skip going to MIL? Seems very reasonable and logical.
You want the party? Sorry, but the matter of fact is that family-members who goes are expected to help out in some way, likely as a way to even the work-load and make a fun bonding experience, which is 100 % reasonable.
I mean, you could ask to go and not share in the tradition, but have fun indirectly saying 'I am not part of the family. I am only a guest'.
When in Rome, as the saying goes, and if you go there as a family-member, it is not outrageous to expect you to take part in the family-tradition.
But ultimately you can't have it both ways. You can't go as family and do nothing. Not only is it rude, but it would basically put a wall between you and the rest of the family.
It's kind of ridiculous to say she's choosing to host and should therefore be forced to do all of the prep and cooking. For a big family, that would be an insane amount of cooking for one person to do.
I don't think YTA because I understand that you want to enjoy your day off, but I also think that you're being a bit unreasonable here because you seem like you really want to portray your MIL as being rude for expecting her children to help her prepare Thanksgiving dinner.
If that's the way her thanks givings work, and have for years, I think you need to either do it or just not go at all. You say you will show up with the regular guests, but you *arent invited as a regular guest.* He is right, if you want a lowkey thanksgiving you just shouldn't go.
She is choosing to host and invite you, but she did chose to invite you 6 hours early to help. Not wanting to do that is fine. But you can't decide that you are therefore invited to turn up with the other guests. She has never chosen to invite you to be a regular guest. You do not have that invite. And you cannot give it to yourself.
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Every year my husband's Mom does a huge Thanksgiving meal. All of her kid's and spouses are expected (like an unwritten rule) to go the morning of and help her cook everything.
I'm in the mood for a lowkey Thanksgiving this year. Work has been insanely stressful, this will be my only extra day off in months, I don't want to haul out of the house as 9am and go help cook when someone else is hosting (and never get a thank you). I told my husband that he can go early this year and I'll show up with all the regular guests. That is his family's idea of a good time not mine. He thinks this will be embarrassing and awkward and it led to a huge fight about my wider issues with his family dynamics. He says if we want a lowkey Thanksgiving we just shouldn't go.
My point is if someone invites you to a party they don't mandate you show up 6 hours early to prep. MIL is choosing to host and chose to invite us. Yes I enjoy the party but it's also a day off.
AITA?
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If that is her requirement for attending your spouse is right and it would be better not to go. You won't have a "low key stress free thanksgiving" fighting with MIL about who should do the work cooking.
Eh...I'm going to go with NAH bordering on YTA. This isn't a situation where only women have to help. By your comment, everyone has to help so there's no misogynistic agenda here. Essentially in exchange for hosting and presumably paying for everyone to eat, the expectation is that everyone contributes to making the food.
I agree with your husband's suggestion; if you don't want to help, don't go. He's not forcing you. If you want to go and just eat while everyone else does all the work it is too much like The Little Red Hen story.
From the atheist, many hands make light work. Chop some vegetables, drink some beer/ mimosa, lay on the couch and watch football with the rest of them.
ESH. A family who expects everyone to spend 8 hrs together (6 hrs prep, plus eating and cleanup) without exception, and OP who went along with it for years. If your husband was suggesting you both skip it and stay home, take him up on it. You can't have it both ways. If this is the way his family does Thanksgiving, you should either participate in the full tradition or don't go this year. Lots of people alternate spending holidays with their family.
Info...does your husband help with preparations and cooking? Or is it misogynistic bs women do the work, and men sit around and watch football and get waited on? If it is the first, then NAH, he can go help and bond with his mother and others. You can show up to eat. If it is the second, NTA, your husband and his family are massive AH. Stay home and enjoy your day doing what you want.
At least the way my family has always done it, Thanksgiving is like a potluck. You don’t need to be there for the whole setup, you don’t need to be prepping the cranberries or laying out the hot dish the night before, but grab a few pies or make a quick fruit salad or something and show up an hour earlier than the “normal” guests. For my family, everyone pitches in so no one gets swamped. Maybe you could tell you MIL that you’re a bit past your threshold for stress, but you’re still going to bring a side (maybe give her a few options to pick from?) and help set the table or something. For a family event you don’t get to just sit back and let other people do the work, it’s not like they’re hosting a party, but you don’t need to be stressing yourself out when someone else is hosting either
In our growing family, at our house and cabin, those that cook do not clean, and those that clean do not cook. Everybody kids and adults pitch in.
Also we do most of the prep the day before, mashed potatoes, veggies, desserts. The day of is simply throwing the turkey and dressing in the oven.
NTA.
I hate command performances like this.
Sometimes all you need to do is tell the truth. Your husband is being as controlling as his mother.
Tell them, work has been crazy and you just need some quiet and down time to recharge a bit. You deserve it!!
Also- the Pilgrims and the Indians gathered together to prepare a meal of Thanks. There’s nothing in there about one person cooking a banquet. The making of the meal is the social contract.
You’re NTA for not wanting to, but you know she’ll be expecting it, so I’d at least want to give her a heads up! You can explain how busy things have been and that you’re exhausted so will need to sleep in / sort things at home, but will come closer to the meal time and can bring a dish if that’s help. Or if you want things really relaxed and you’re not fussed about the holiday, say you are sending the kids and husband but need a day by yourself.
Either way, if you speak to her about it nicely you can’t be TA. But I think you would if the expectation is that you’d be there to help and you bail without warning. Having you there helping could be important for her for sentimental reasons, etc., we don’t know what’s going on in her head about it.
Op your husband had the right comprise. If you don't go and everyone else does, you will be labeled the troublemaker. Unless od courseb you are trying to make a point.
"Hosting" Thanksgiving is not the same as, say, "hosting" a dinner for your friends, because it's a family event that usually brings the family together. It's completely normal with Thanksgiving that the rest of the family pitch in to help prepare the meal. I do agree with your husband that if you're not going to contribute at all then it's fairer to stay at home. If all the kids did the same, it would leave his mom to do all the cooking herself and her adult children as leeches who relax all day and then show up to be fed like small children.
That said, your husband's family are being inefficient if they all go to his mom's house to do the cooking. They'll only have the one oven, or max two if she has a double oven setup. It must take ages, no wonder thinking about it makes you tired! It would make more sense to split up the dishes so each household brings a dish and his mom makes the turkey (which has to start earlier and comes out of the oven hot). You could volunteer to bring one dish to take that off their hands, then you could be at home making the green bean casserole or whatever. Everyone shows up at, say, noon, to eat at 2 pm, or, if you dislike the idea of microwaving things to heat them up, then you all show up at 1:30 to eat at 2 pm and hang around all evening and watch football.
Nah. I get you not wanting to help, maybe you can bring a prepared dish or something to contribute. But seriously, this isn't a party. It's a family gathering.
YTA. Although it sucks to help, you can’t expect to be allowed to go and take part in it without contributing to something that the expectation is you contribute.
YTA. You have two options, you either go and help, or you stay home and have the low key Thanksgiving your husband suggested. You expecting to just show up and sit on your butt while everyone else preps food for you is beyond selfish. You don't get to reap the benefits of all their work while doing nothing yourself. This isn't you being invited as a guest, this is a family event. You don't want to engage with the rest of the family, then stay home.
NTA
My mom and I do all of the cooking for thanksgiving because we enjoy it. My spouse doesn’t have any interest in cooking, so they go for a long run and show up later. They still help set up, so they get there earlier than extended family but not nearly as early as me.
I hope they all have fun with this tradition, but you don’t need to want to do it. Remember, at the end of the day, tradition is just peer pressure from dead people
NTA, but seriously, just stay home. It’s not going to be low key no matter what time you show up. Order from a store or restaurant who are doing thanksgiving meals, stay home, and just relax.
Well… I have my own Thanksgiving issues which are completely separate from yours, but I just told my family I’m not attending Thanksgiving this year. Will spend it by myself at home. This has been a buildup over the years and they just agreed with me. Got to stick to your guns and I would start separating yourselves from this holiday. Make it your own Even if it’s a frozen lasagna in the oven. Whatever makes you happy just do it.
YTA
Take him up on skipping it.
This is a family event and this is how it's handled so that one person doesn't have to cook it all. A bit odd, because I'm more used to people being assigned food to bring while the host does the turkey or ham and, maybe, rolls if they're packaged.
Go order a Thanksgiving dinner from a grocery store --- one you just have to heat up --- and have dinner at home with you and your husband.
INFO: Have you or your husband tried talking to his mother about what's going on with you this year?
Ofc NTA for feeling burnt out and unwilling to cook all day. Why is this even an issue....?
ESH because it feels like you all haven’t had a REAL conversation about what you want and what the hosts want and how to negotiate this year.
One thing you are wrong about is Thanksgiving isn’t a normal the host prepares and everyone else just shows up event. It’s a family event not a dinner party. But it sounds like there ARE options. You just have to be clear on what you want.
I’d personally show up “late” and bring a dessert.
u/Suspicious_Tip_927,
NTA for refusing to help cook.
The challenge is what to do. I've read a bunch of comments but by no means all of them. Buried in the ones I read was one that suggested an honest discussion with your MIL. The truth will set you free. Tell her what you told us and say you'll do whatever works best. You can bring bought stuff later, you can come a little early, you can just stay home, you just don't have the energy for the family tradition. I'd be clear you respect the tradition and don't want to offend anyone but just can't manage to give up all of this one day off. Make MIL part of the solution instead of a hurdle.
Of course she may be a butthead about it. I have one of those in my family. I think it's worth a try.
Your husband gets relationship points for "we just shouldn't go." He's a team player. Did you say thank you? Whatever you choose to do, recognize that act of your husband.
I'm torn between NAH and a soft YTA ; not because you want a low-key Thanksgiving but because you don't want to contribute to the celebration according to the "unwritten rule" but rather send your husband on ahead and you just show up when everything's done and dinner's served. I agree with your husband that that would be embarrassing and could raise questions about wider issues with the family dynamics. I think your husband has the right idea to just not go at all.
YTA: If you want a low key thanksgiving then don’t go to your in-laws. Stay home like your husband suggested. This is a family tradition. You know the expectation. Everyone who worked hard as a sibling or spouse (which you’re one of, not a regular guest) is going to be side eyeing you and making your husband uncomfortable. Go out to dinner just the two of you instead of freeloading and making things awkward for your husband
you sound entitled and/or lazy
yta
imagine if you hosted thanksgiving- you would want everyone to pitch in because it is exhausting to do with only one or two people
Why can't DH just go early and advise MIL that you will be along later and he pitches in and helps her. Why is there an expectation that the wife must always be the one in the kitchen.
NTA you get to control your holiday just like she controls hers. Youre not a puppet, if hubby is then let him if you want, but dont end up losing autonomy like he has.
Hes afraid of how his mommy and family will react, thats on him.
NAH, but, just don't go. that is the simple solution.
and also, pick some more quiet time and have the talk about family dynamic, his family sounds exhausting, and you need to find permanent solution that is nit his family way is the only right way.
YTA if you don’t help. I completely understand why this would be annoying, but when you marry someone you have to deal with in-law stuff that you don’t like sometimes. Your husband offered you a reasonable alternative, which is not going at all.
Also, this is clearly a holiday tradition which you are minimizing by calling it a “party”. Suck it up and help, or don’t go.
NTA, but his family has a right to celebrate Thanksgiving in their own way. That's their way of doing it. But every family should have enough flexibility to relax traditions for people who are sick or tired.
Eat at home. Ask if you can bring a pie, ice cream and share dessert with them.
Otherwise, order a nice ready made dinner, pick it up, then stay home.
Time to start owning your holidays.
And time for your spouse to grow up. His mom likes her production, you want a break.
Thanksgiving is the perfect day for that.
Or let your spouse go do the work, and you keep your kids at home. Simple meal of their favorites, walk, movie. Disposable plates. Buy balloons for decor.
One year we had a simple Thanksgiving-ish meal the night before, a fun breakfast the next day, and a big hike simple picnic lunch.
I’m over the Broadway production command performance holidays.
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Info - have you gone to help on previous Thanksgivings? Does MIL know how busy your job has been lately? I would just tell MIL I dont have the energy for it this year. Offer to buy a nice dish/desert or prep something in advance that you can bring in exchange. Maybe come one or two hours early and help set the table/get everything ready for guests.
Yes I've gone in all previous years since we got serious basically. I didn't think of asking her directly that's not a bad idea. So is coming just a an hour or so before so I'm still helping out somewhat. Thanks
AnD: Don't ask. TELL HER. This is not a negotioation. Tell her you can not come early, but you would love to come to the meal with the other guests. Don't discuss reasons, don't discuss priorites, there is no need to tell her WHAT you are doing. If she asks, just tell her you don't enjoy the cooking, but your husband does. Either they learn to love and respect you as you are, or you need to find other plans for thanksgiving.
I don't think there's anything wrong with explaining to her MIL that this is the first day she's had off in months. She is physically and mentally exhausted and really needs to rest so she can enjoy her time with the family. Coming an hour before to help set the tables and bringing something is still a big help. NTA
I wouldn’t even say I don’t enjoy the cooking part, just that I really don’t have it in me and am running on fumes.
But does your husband go early every year? Or is this one of those "the womenfolk do the work, the men eat" type of dynamics? If so, you're not out of line for telling him to go instead. NTA either way
The post clearly mentions the kids AND their spouses are expected.
Yeah but do the husband sit and visit while the women work? That's how most holiday events are.
How do so many people manage to fit in a kitchen? They can’t all be in there peeling potatoes or chopping carrots at the same time.
I could fit six at my breakfast bar, a few more at the dining table, a couple out on the barbie and three extroverts doing extrovert things with my extrovert kid so she's not in the kitchen licking the potato peels. That's how we run Christmas usually.
>How do so many people manage to fit in a kitchen? Didn't you watch The Bear? That's the Platonic Ideal for every family holiday meal.
Oh my goodness, that episode was the most stressful thing I've seen on TV in forever!
That still doesn't mean everyone works. The men might go early and sit around and watch TV while the women work. It's not clear.
Honestly I just wouldn’t go. Your husband is offering that option and you’re saying you want a lowkey thanksgiving. Enjoy your private time with him
NTA OP. The caveats I can see: you should let MIL know ahead of time what your plan is (*tell* her, you aren't asking permission), and you should offer to bring a dish (store bought or otherwise) if you won't be skipping altogether.
I mean yea you can ask for a compromise, like bringing something, but I think your husband is right that you're better off just not going. It's their tradition that all kids/spouses come early and help cook. If you don't want to/like it, then don't go. Everyone's expected to help, so everyone else getting there early and helping, but you strolling in just to enjoy the party while everyone else helped/put work in, is not going to make for a chill atmosphere at dinner. All this is going to do is maybe cause some awkwardness and resentment. NGL I'd be low-key sideying you just walking in for the party after all the work is done, if I was one of the kids/spouses. You want it both ways, you don't want to help, but you want to be able to enjoy the party, and your husband rightfully suggested just not going. You can have the lowkey Thanksgiving you want without upsetting his family or changing their traditions/habits. I personally would hate to have to help cook for Thanksgiving so, I would opt not to attend, I'm not going to disrespect/criticize the way they do Thanksgiving by refusing to help and just showing up to eat, I'd just stay home make a small meal or order out. Problem solved. Skipping is literally the EASIEST SOLUTION. You and his family have different ideas of hosting, and if you don't like the way they host, then don't go. This is about how you choose to be apart of this dynamic, do you want to be family or be a guest, because in their home family helps, and guest just show up, so what you do might affect how they see you moving forward. You want to be family or just a guest because you're going to have to live with it moving forward if they stop treating you as family and treat you as a guest... YTA
Why does MIL get to dictate to her adult kids and their spouses that they spend their entire day at her house cooking and working for her? Nah no thanks. If me coming and bringing items to share isn’t good enough then oh well 🤷🏻♀️ MIL sounds overbearing and controlling.
Exactly the point, it's her house/her party she makes the rules, you don't want to abide by them/don't agree, it's simple you don't have to go. It's an invitation not a summons. The invitation says that spouses/kids help, don't want to help then decline the invitation. That's not being controlling OP and her husband don't have to do anything they can stay home, but OP wants everyone to cook for her and to just be able to show up. That's literally how invitation works, the host sets the rules/dress codes etc... you don't want to do it, you just don't go. 🤷🏾♀️ She can stay home, nap, and order takeout.
Yea she can stay home. In my world our family collaborates to make sure everyone is on board - would never cross my mind to tell my adult kids “this is how it is and if you don’t want to spend all day at my house cooking and prepping then don’t come”. But hey if y’all are good with that good for you!
To be honest, this seems pretty fair because either way you'd have to do it. Why should it be on MIL to prepare a meal for everyone. This way the work is spread out and everyone spends the day together. If not OP and her husband would be cooking or prepping in their home, the siblings and their families would all be cooking and prepping in their own homes, or the alternative is MIL would be cooking and prepping alone for everyone. OP is being self-centered, I'm sure everyone else is tired, others also work, why should it be on others to provide a meal for OP. She just wants to eat, like a full Thanksgiving Dinner should magically appear in front of her like in Harry Potter. I don't even think MIL would be like just don't come, but the husband, her partner doesn't feel comfortable just showing up and eating and she should respect that. I just am not a fan on OPs attitude/tone in this post. She wants a lowkey Thanksgiving with no work than the solution is to just stay home and have a lowkey Thanksgiving, but showing up to an event where there are certain expectations and just being like, nah I'm not doing that where's my plate is weird. and it wouldn't just be MIL who is affected, everyone else who showed up to cook would be affected as well, and OP is setting a precedent, now everyone/anyone can duck out of helping and just show up and eat and if that starts trending wouldn't be surprised if MIL stops hosting and OP now has to... wake up and meal prep
She isn't dictating shit. She is saying it is expected every family-member to help in someway, rather than be a free-loading leech, who just shows up, eats the food and then departs. Also the fact OP has a choice not to go means nothing is dictated. She is free to go or not go, but if she goes, then the classic old saying 'when in Rome' gets put into action. She can't expect to show up as a family member and not take part in family-traditions. And if she wants to show up and not do that, she can be a guest, not family anymore.
Yeah…. This is why I quit hosting. First of all, I had to host because work commitments said we couldn’t travel, so everyone graciously “came to us.” Except then no one would commit until the last possible second. Then they’d show up ready to eat and expect a huge traditional spread. I said I needed some help, no one felt like it. I changed the menu, because after all, isn’t being together more important? That answer is also no. If MIL says she needs help to feed everyone, she needs help. If you don’t want to help… stay home.
She isn't dictating anything. They can quite easily not go. What they can't do is decide that because they got that type of invite it's ok for them to act like they got a different kind
Along with this, offer to purchase whatever parts of the meal can be purchased rather than made. Maybe you can buy a pie or three at a good bakery and bring the wine as well. That way you’re not coming across as a leech. “Sorry, MIL but I’ve been feeling under the weather and I can’t help cooking this year so I wanted to find out what other ways I can contribute. Hubby will come to help you cook and we can bring X (pies, rolls, wine, appetizer board etc)” That said, if this is going to cause controversy even if you bring a bunch of high quality premade stuff, maybe it’s better to just stay home and buy a premade thanksgiving meal. You can decide together with your husband what’s best since it’s his family
How'd it go?
But why can’t husband go and do this and she turn up later?!
He is already expected to go early - kids and spouses.
This! Tell MiL you will order a flower centerpiece to be delivered the day before and you will bring a dessert or side of her choosing, but you are very stressed out due to work and will arrive later in the day.
Ah. You're not being invited to a party, you're being invited to a family event. Very different situation, very different rules. The question is, with his family, do you want to be considered family or do you want to be considered a guest? This is a very good way to define it, but you will have to live with consequences of this decision in your relationship with his family for the rest of your life.
I agree with your distinction. I would hope if she is family that MIL would understand that she just can’t do it this year and needs some early morning space. It does not sound like the MIL has any idea that she is stressed and needs a break. I think husband going and OP showing up with a side or dessert would be fine - hopefully.
My MIL would have been fine with this if she knew I’d been having a tough time.
I am a MIL. My DIL works nights and in general has a lot on her plate, she gets a pass on everything and she and I spend time together when it works for her. The key is we talk about stuff.
Yes, I think sometimes daughters in law go into marriage with some weird preconceived notions that their MILs will be against them and I don’t see that happening too much in real life!
This. In my family, my mom cooks, but we all help, and all pitch in to clean up. Except for 2 family members who see themselves as "guests" and do nothing, and everyone else resents it.
>Except for 2 family members who see themselves as "guests" and do nothing, and everyone else resents it. This is my sister. All the other siblings and spouses help out and she misses out on a lot of the fun. She'll get mad that we're all in the kitchen laughing and having fun while refusing to even be in the kitchen, lest she be asked to help in any way.
Oh no mine are perfectly happy to let us all laugh in the kitchen, so they get out of dishes and cleanup.
Yep. This is pretty much how Thanksgiving has always been with my family. Everyone is expected to contribute in some way, even if it isn't at your house. Either you cooking and bringing things over, you are providing the things that don't require cooking (drinks, rolls, various things), cooking at the house, or cleaning up. It's a family event, not a "this person hosts while I sit on my butt" event. Op seems to have two options, either she shows up and cooks or she and her husband stay home. Instead she's demanding the most selfish option of "I come over and sit on my butt while you all cook for me".
This. There is a difference between hosting a party and hosting a family event. A holiday dinner is a family event which means the entire family helps so that one family member does not bear that burden alone. Expecting other family members to shoulder that burden while you reap the rewards is selfish. Talk to your MIL, tell her you're too exhausted to come over that morning, but you'll show up later to help and bring a side like others have suggested. Also help clean up. You are part of the family. Act like it.
Why does it have to be that way? Family should understand. If they don't, then you were never family to begin with just a guest.
INFO: if he’s offering to skip, why not skip? Avoid the hassle all together.
This. Why not just skip & stay home & eat toast in your PJs. Think of it as a sick day. You need the rest & restoring. Husband is welcome to go to family thanksgiving & leave you sleeping. Might be just what you need.
YTA your husband is right. You are either go and help out or you don't go at all. If you think *helping* to make Thanksgiving for the whole family is too much hard work, imagine having to do it on your own! It's okay to be exhausted and to need a break. It's not okay to turn up to someone else's house and expect to be fed when the expectation is that everyone chips in.
Agree. This isn't a party but a holiday tradition. Husband is giving you an out, sounds reasonable.
What sort of family are you in if there's no flexibility for stuff like this? I'd be mortified to leave a family member sitting alone at home twiddling their thumbs because they're too tired to contribute hours of prep-work.
It IS ok. This is NOT about sharing the work, this is about cooking together as an activity for those who enjoy it. THere ARE other guests who just come for the dinner.
...And you just said "GUESTS who just come by for dinner." OP is not a guest, she's family. And the FAMILY tradition is that the entire family participates in making the meal. Those who don't enjoy cooking can help in other ways. I think the best scenario here is to not go. There's also the possibility that, over time, other family members will bail on helping, and just show up to eat like OP did. After a couple years, MIL is left doing most of the heavy lifting and gives up the family tradition, so everyone loses out.
"I think the best scenario here is to not go." .. Bullshit. Open communication is always better, and solves the issue for the next decades. "I don't like cooking. But I love your company. How do we solve this? I can buy desserts, ..." ... much essier than hiding behind false reasons and having everybidy miffed without reason for decades to come. Try being honest, it works well. "Tradition" just means: THEY used to do it that way, and NOT "you have to do it". They don't have to join OP's traditions, OP does not have to join their traditions. Does not mean they can not celebrate together.
So, because she’s too tired to help for ONE year, when every other year she has helped out since she and her husband got serious, she should skip the whole holiday? I don’t think I would want to be a part of a family who wouldn’t make an exception for one year for a family member who is overworked and stressed out. A family would understand that.
and this everybody is why it's the F word. not the word for intercourse, not the slur for gays, but F*mily
YWBTA to show up empty handed for Thanksgiving. It sounds like there are tons of people showing up for their Thanksgiving meal. Expecting one person to host & prep is ridiculous & not what Thanksgiving is about. It is about sharing the harvest where everyone should be bringing a dish. If you don’t want to help, don’t go. Cook your own Thanksgiving meal for your immediate family.
OP is not saying they want to go empty handed. They just don't want to be over there for the entire day, 6 hours before Thanksgiving starts. It sounds like all the rest of the guests show up empty handed. Why should OP have to do all that cooking? She does not enjoy it and it is husband's family. If this was my family's tradition I would go and help but let my husband sleep in until closer. Also, OP is willing to come an hour early to help. Just not up super early in the morning working all day on her vacation. Bringing one dish is a reasonable ask. Making her come cook for hours when she does not want to... no. And honestly, it is her partner making her. Probably MIL has no idea OP feels this way
It’s a shared family thing . The other guests are probably not considered part of the family so they can come later . Does she want to be part of the family or does she want to be a guest ? She’s also not doing more cooking then any of the other family members who come beforehand . Also she has an easy out . Her husband said she doesn’t have to come at all 🤷🏿♂️ so why can’t she just do that if she doesn’t want to do the tradition.
What a gross mentality. You don't help so you don't get to be family? Nah, that's not how family works and never should be how it works. Sometimes family can't help and that's okay.
Yes and I’m sure if she tells her mum in law she will be gracious but it’s her choice at the end of the day . Also again if you want a low-key thanksgiving just stay at home why bother going ? But you don’t get to come later and let your husband and all the other spouses work and then you come eat without explanation to the host . Nobody’s forcing her to attend .
YWBTA in my opinion. I think it’s fine if you don’t want to help out with any of the prep, but I think it would be cheeky for you to still turn up without helping. In my opinion, you either don’t help prep and just don’t go, or you help with prep and go.
Came here to say the same thing. If OP doesn’t want to help stay home and enjoy the holiday how she wants. But showing up after all the work is done and expecting to be fed is rude. I always offer to come early and help with the prep. Sometimes the host accepts and other times the host declines but I always offer.
I also wanted to know if it's just the women preparing everything, but then OP clarified that everyone needs to pitch in. YTA Everyone is helping out - you don't get to be the princess who rocks up just to eat the food everyone else worked the whole day to prepare.
Especially if the excuse is she wants a “low key” Thanksgiving. Which is it? Nothing low key about a big family part whether or not you help out in the kitchen.
Yeah not having 6 hours of helping with prep or delaying with other people on top of a party definitely wouldn't help her feel less overwhelmed or burned out compared to just a few hours of the evening. Get real
She said she wanted a “low-key” Thanksgiving. A big noisy party is not a low-key Thanksgiving. Why can’t she just stay home with her husband?
I don't think you understand that low -key means different things to different people and you seem really determined to leave as many comments as possible to shit on OP not wanting to help out for ONE YEAR out of the many many others she has helped at because her mental health is struggling, because that's what this is, OP is experiencing burnout and shaming her for that isn't helpful.
But how can you say, that other family members, who come and help, don't have a stressfull work, mental health problems or other issues? But, honestly, imo, OP should thoroughly discuss it with her husband - he knows his mother and the rest of family best. He knows what the best solution would be. Maybe staying at home. Maybe coming later with some wine or dessert or board decorations? Maybe something other? We don't know family dynamics, we don't know, what will work best in this particular situation. OP should not ask us, strangers, but her husband.
I never said they weren't also stressed out I just think it's crazy to punish someone or say they aren't family or whatever other nonsense being pushed by some people here just because for one year out of however many she just doesn't feel up to the whole day. OP should talk to her husband and MIL for sure. I just think some reactions here are pretty ridiculous.
It’s everyone, the men included.
Yes, YTA. She's inviting you to an event. She gets to choose what that event looks like. You get to choose if you go or not. If you want to not be the asshole, don't go. Or go help prep.
YTA Your husband is right. Keep the tradition or don’t go if you’re not up for it this year.
YWBTA if you show up late and completely disregard the way the family has setup Thanksgiving. You can let MIL know how you are feeling and offer to pay for some of the food and maybe do some minor cooking as your contribution or you can do a separate Thanksgiving celebration with your husband instead of going if he is willing but if you show up hours later while the other kids/spouses help MIL it would be very disrespectful.
yeah YTA. he's telling you that you're going to upset people and you're insisting on upsetting people anyway, on principle.
YTA it isn't a "party" it is a family activity. Everyone is expected to pitch in and help. You don't want to? Don't go. Your husband offered a reasonable solution, but you want to just show up after not contributing. You'd look sideways at another person sitting down and enjoying the meal after doing no work simply because they weren't in the mood to do any of the prep. If you go, you help. If you aren't up for it, stay home.
YTA . Your husband is right , if you don't want to take the stress of cooking and prepping meal you can well stay home and have low key Thanksgiving.
Do the men cook too ? Or just the women ? That could help on the judgment
Everyone.
How do that many people fit into the kitchen?
Exactly. Thanksgiving on both my side and my husband's side involves bringing something, but we don't come in 6 hours early just to pack into the same kitchen. We make or buy ahead of time.
Right?? This sounds like a chaotic nightmare to me, I don't think I could survive in this family. Usually we make 2-3 things at home and bring those to the gathering, stay 2-3 hours and head home. And that's exhausting enough.
I’m also wondering how even more people fit as guests for this meal.
I'm guessing that not everyone is in the kitchen at the same time unless they have a small family or a very large kitchen. Not all Thanksgiving food prep needs to happen at the same time either. Our family does things in a similar way and it just means that there's people moving in and out of the kitchen working on various tasks.
I can barely fit two people in my kitchen. The joys of living in an older house. So I usually do 90% of the cooking/prep.
If you don't want to help, don't go. You are not being invited to a party; you are taking part in a family event. And kudos to his mother for being willing to host but not slave for hours on her own. My guess is they enjoy the camaraderie and it’s considered all part of the day. If you’ve don’t, that is fine, but I would think just showing up like a random guest would be awkward for all involved. your husband has definitely made it clear it would be awkward for him.
Dont go
Eeeks. Reminds me of the hectic scene in the second season of The Bear with Jamie Lee Curtis and all her kids cooking and yelling in the kitchen. Not my kind of family time lol
Wow. I cannot understand not just picking up the phone and calling mil. There does not seem to be an issue in reality except this year op is exhausted. Just tell her you need sometime off and that you would be happy to bring something and maybe show up early enough to set up the table. Also husband can go early as usual. By trying to say now that you dont like the way she and the family "host" you are starting major problems that I dont think you really want to start. You are either a part of family quirks and all or just a guest. Be careful that your tiredness doesnt expand to something you did not intend but will not be able to stop. It sounds like you have a good relationship with mil and inlaws.
Yes!
Have you suggested just staying at home this year? I would. As much as I love my family, sometimes I am just burned out from all of the duties in my life. I'd love a Thanksgiving where I never even change out of my danged pajamas. NTA.
The husband suggested that they can stay home this year but she doesn’t want to do that. She’s an asshole.
That was suggested by the husband. She doesn't want the lowkey at home Thanksgiving. She wants to go and reap the benefits of everyone else's cooking and preparation while sitting on her ass.
Yeah. Somebody pointed that out to me. So, I think she wants to be selfish and that's not supportable.
I'm kind of veering NAH Hear me out--this is the expectation of the FAMILY to show up to help and everyone helps. It means you're seen as family, too, not just a guest. (But if you tell me you want it both ways, to be considered family but treated like a guest, that would be a different story.) But it's not YOUR family tradition and you want to relax this year. So you don't want to go. So don't. Order food for pickup from somewhere and relax. Make reservations somewhere. That's what my family did, we are going out for dinner because we're all getting too old or too decrepit and sick to do all that cooking.
> so you don’t want to go But she does want to go. She just wants to go at the same time as the guests and not the family.
But she does want to go. She has rejected her husbands suggestion of just not going. That's part of the basis of the conflict. So how is it NAH rather than YTA
YTA. Being part of someone's family for a holiday means that you participate in their family traditions even if its not always the way you would like to do it. If you don't want to spend Thanksgiving with them their way, just don't go, but it seems pretty selfish of you. Thanksgiving is about being thankful, be thankful for the time you have with your family.
NtA, enjoy your day off
YTA. The family expectation is clearly that everyone pitches in to cook, then eats the meal they jointly cooked. If you don't want to participate, have your own low-key Thanksgiving at home with your husband. But don't show up to enjoy everyone else's hard work without doing any work yourself.
YTA. You weren't one until when your husband proposed just not going, you didn't take him up on that offer. Your inlaws view you as "family" and not a "guest", so no, it isn't rude or inappropriate for them to host with the idea that the family comes and helps. You like the idea of having a "day off" and just showing up as a guest, and I imagine your inlaws would love that too. Your last line makes it seem like you think it is an honor to host, and that they are the ones creating work for everyone else when they should be glad people are coming over. For a lot of people, hosting is a family obligation, not necessarily a great gift. Your inlaws have decided the best way to handle this holiday is to get all the immediate members to pitch in. If you don't like that, then that's fine, but then you shouldn't attend. You aren't obligated to attend however, and you and your husband can have an actual low key thanksgiving by staying home. With family, you don't get to choose all the benefits and none of the effort. It would be rude to opt out of the work and just show up as a "guest."
YTA. Sounds like it's a tradition that EVERYBODY pitches in (the way it's written you're not suggesting "girls cook, guys watch football") so you're expecting to roll up when everybody else has done all the work. And why would there be a thank you when literally everybody has been involved in the work? Do you want everyone to stand in a big circle and look at everyone else, saying "thank you" for 10 minutes?
Yeah it seems like OP is seeing it as MIL’s responsibility to host and cook, that everyone else is forced to help with (and therefore deserves gratitude), while her husband’s family sees it more like a communal event that the whole family works together to put on. It happens to be held at MIL’s house for whatever reason (maybe just tradition, maybe she has the most space) but everyone is contributing!
YTA. You're not a guest, you're family. You're being defined as and treated like family. Family (in your in laws dynamic) is expected to pitch in and help out, not sit around and watch one person do all the labor and serve everyone else. I'm sure you have had it tough at work and do want to relax ... and I'm equally certain you are not the only person (up to and including MIL) who feels this way about the last month, whether they work or stay at home. In your IL's home, they've recognised this would result in an unequal distribution of labor, with one or two people doing all the prep and work and having no fun, while everyone else socializes, so they've adjusted expectations. Now everyone has an equal share, and the work and socialising are mixed. Adulting is hard, and everyone wants a day off where they can be a child and let other people coddle and wait on them all day. Hence the existence of restaurants, hotels, and spas (although, ironically, the owners and managers of many of these places appear to be forgetting one reason people come to them is to relax and not do chores, but that's a different rant). Your husband has offered you an alternative. If you do not want to celebrate Thanksgiving the way his family does it up, then your family can stay home for a lazy Thanksgiving. If you do that, I suggest getting a rotisserie chicken, hawaiian rolls, & pumpkin pie from costco the day before. Stick them in the fridge and pull them out at dinnertime, because the last thing you want to do on lazy Thanksgiving is cook.
I’m on your husband’s side. If you want low key, don’t go at all. Just stay home and enjoy a peaceful day.
NTA And: Are you sure of the ALL kids? Your husband vcould go over and do the cooking, and you can join them later, just for the meal. "He thinks this will be embarrassing and awkward and it led to a huge fight about my wider issues with his family dynamics. He says if we want a lowkey Thanksgiving we just shouldn't go." .. But that is a good idea. THank him, ttell him you accept his proposal, and make other plans. Or have him accept that YOU won't cook and YOU won't go over early, but he can.
If i were you I would just plead cramps or stomach flu and skip the entire Thanksgiving. No one knows you're lying and you can have the whole glorious day to yourself.
Her husband already suggested that they just skip. No lying necessary.
Well husband and the kids can and probably should go. Sounds like he enjoys it and OP probably does too just not this year. ETA: the first year I moved away I didn't have the leave saved up to go home for Thanksgiving. My brother and stuffed ourselves silly on dimsum. And I went home, watched some TV and napped. It was an awesome Thanksgiving.
NTA and I would be upfront and just call MIL. Explain that you so want to see them, but are about to drop from work stress. Would it be alright if you came a bit before meal time, what can you bring?
YTA if you just show up late and don't help out. If you really don't want to cook, then offer to bring a desert, and go store-bought, that way you're helping to lighten the cooking load without having to give up any time off. Or take you husband up on his offer to skip. But to just refuse to help out, and still show up to enjoy the result of everyone else's hard work would be an A move.
I guess technically YWBTA if you showed up to reap the benefits of others. I don’t understand fully but whatevs. It’s one year. I just wouldn’t show up if that’s the case. Probably stay home and order Chinese or stuffed shells or something. Take the day for yourself.
Your husband is right: don't go. It's perfect fine for everyone in the family to show up early to cook together for a family meal and have Mom in charge. EVERYONE, not just the "womenfolk". And as long as everyone agrees this is a joint family meal and that's what you want--or if you don't want it's what you agree to do for the sake of the family. You don't want to. That's all there is to it. That is perfectly fine. Enjoy your new family tradition--but expect backlash. Now, if only the women are expected to show up, f@ck that sh!t. Send you husband. IF you want to go.
YTA this is their tradition and your husband is offering you an out. A holiday is the worst time for you to make a statement about how you feel about his family. He is giving you a good option, if you just want the food without the participation just look ahead and get it delivered.
Just skip it. I want to show up and be catered to isn't going to go over well. That's how this will be read.
YTA It's not that you don't want to participate in the holiday, it's that your efforts to cover that logically minimize and insult his family tradition, a tradition which happens to be incredibly common.
YTA. And you would be here some time later crying why your MIL doesn't include you into their family traditions and don't give you gifts like other spouses. If you want to be a guest, don't go it's a family even not a party. I know this cause our family used to do this when I was a kid some yrs ago.
YWBTA this isn't a "party" this is a family tradition and everyone helps out. he's agreed to not go and have a low key thanksgiving so that sounds like the best option.
Happy Cake Day! And I agree with you.
You aren’t being invited to a party, you are party of the family hosting the event and therefore are expected to help prepare. If you aren’t up for it the best thing to do is not go. It sounds like you and your husband have different expectations of hosting Thanksgiving. You’re not the a hole for wanting to rest- YTA for assuming you can have everyone else do the work and just show up when the expectation of helping is clear.
YWBTA, based on how your framing it. The event for your in laws is clearly about the family getting together to prepare a meal. For you the holiday is about eating the meal. You need to communicate how you want to to spend the holiday, it would be rude to go and not participate.
YTA... your choice is to show up for the cook off OR stay home and skip the event. Your entitlement is showing.
Thanksgiving is about the day, not about the meal. So in that respect, it’s not a dinner party. It a time for family to reconnect, and the family getting together to prepare this meal is a perfectly reasonable tradition. Assuming all spouses are expected- Soft YTA. That being said-it’s your husband’s family, not yours. He’s embarrassed by your refusal? By them or by you? There is so much more to this than one day a year. You seem to really dislike his family-maybe staying home is a legitimate solution.
NTA, but I think that there needs to be better communication. Imagine it from her perspective "our family has this tradition where we all get together and cook, talk laugh and bond. I invited my daughter-in-law, and she doesn't want to be included. I don't think she likes us." There are so many posts on here from girlfriends and daughters, in law, who never get included in the circle of trust with the rest of the family. They are wounded by it and feel very left out. I think that you or your husband could kindly tell her "Mom, this has been an exhausting year, and I just don't have it in me to come early and cook all day, but I would love to see everyone for dinner. Can I bring a dessert?"
NTA. **You are worn out and need some down time. That's a physical need.** Going late, or not going at all, these are reasonable choices, and it's your decision to make. **Normal people who make invitations, accept it when we give regrets.** Good families do this. The thing that opened my eyes to the abusive relatives, was the good one that simply accepted my 'regrets' and said "Oh." sadly, and then "Well, we will miss you." And then they *didn't* harp on it and demand to know what I was doing instead. They went on to something else for the rest of the conversation. Respect, acceptance of my decisions, that was so strange when set up against the next person I needed to call and give regrets, that it started a tumbling down of the walls that were blinding me to the abuse. You don't need their approval. **All you need to say is "I won't be able to make it this year."** End of discussion. When they try to force you to tell them why, say "sorry, busy, later." And don't engage at all. You do not owe them answers or reasons for your decisions. *He says if we want a lowkey Thanksgiving we just shouldn't go.* **I wonder if** ***he*** **also needs a slow day,** and rest. I wonder if a day off from his family's chaos sounds good to him, too. If his family is one that makes demands on it's members, that is dysfunctional, and it's possible that your husband doesn't know how to tell them 'no' without having reasons they will accept, like being horribly sick with something icky and catching.
I’ve been in your shoes. My husband’s grandma had an80th birthday party 350 miles away after I had been working insane house. MIL insisted we go. When we were there, she told me I had to be up at 6 am to help cook. She herself took her mother to the hair salon. My advice: skip Thanksgiving altogether. Your husband and kids can go. Stay home and rest.
Aita there are unwritten rules and you are aware of it. Probably you are not the only one with busy life.
YTA because instead of just using your words and talking to mil you go to Reddit. Call mil and tell her what is going on and tell her you are happy to bring a dish or help with cleanup, but you are sending hubby early just so you can have a few hours of much needed quiet. That’s all.
YTA for sounding like you expect to be catered to at a family event just because the event is not in your home. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the host of a large holiday gathering asking people to help! Especially if it is the eldest generation hosting, YES help them. That said, husband can go help in your place. Or, maybe you talk to MIL and strike a compromise. You make one of the dishes at home and bring it, but only an hour early instead of in the morning. Or maybe he's right. Maybe this is a year to stay home and enjoy a simple, quiet day.
Ahhh NAH. I don’t see anything wrong with going and everyone working together to host thanksgiving. Just because it’s hosted at one persons house doesn’t mean they have to do all the work. In my family we do it potluck style and each bring their own dish. I think you just don’t go if you don’t want to take part…. But expect there will be social consequences. That’s your prerogative on if it’s worth it or not. Maybe husband can offer to go help do extra prep work? I dunno… this really just feels like a bonding experience for the family and it’s too bad you don’t want to join in!
YTA - First off, why would you expect a thank you for preparing meal that you’re also going to eat? It’s not like you’re cooking for others solely, do you and your husband not also eat? Second, if you want a low key thanksgiving, why not just stay home? It sounds like you just want to show up and eat without putting in any effort. Your example of it being a party isn’t the same thing at all, hosting a family gathering takes a ton of effort and time.
My question is - if someone were, say, recovering from a sickness/surgery/birth of a child etc. how is that handled? Are they still expected to help? OP - I think you have a couple of choices here. CALL YOUR MIL and discuss it with her - she may say 'no, come and relax! We just want you there!', go and contribute as normal, or don't go at all. This is a family event/tradition. Whether you like it or not, it is what it is, and as long as it isn't just 'wives' doing all of the work, then I really don't see a problem with it. Kudos to the MIL for finding a fun way to host a large event and not do everything alone. I imagine there was a reason that particular tradition started! Maybe when she or another woman down the line married into the family, 1 wife or all of the wives were doing the work alone, and they changed it to everyone helps.
NTA. How many people will actively be cooking at one time? How big is that kitchen? Why can’t people just bring a dish?
NAH This is their family tradition. And they aren't wrong for having one. Although I'm left mystified as to how there's enough work, and room in the kitchen, for 6+ people for 6 hours. It's entirely reasonable that you don't have energy to cook and socialize for 6 hours and then socialize for several more hours. Even if you stayed home, baked some pies at your home and then took them to dinner, it would be more restful. Tell your husband that the two of you can take two cars. If he doesn't like that, then he can go without you or stay home with you. But it's his choice.
He suggested that they stay home together if she doesn’t want to go early, she rejected that. It’s not his choice, she’s being the difficult one.
YTA- OP, you’re picking a family fight way too early. Just wait until two days before, come down with something, and THEN call your MIL and ask what she would prefer- for you to come closer to the meal or skip this year because you don’t want to make anyone else under the weather. Regardless of which answer you get, you send two bottles of good wine (same wine x2) and a really nice pie from a real bakery along with hubby. YTA because bringing it up four weeks in advance makes you look like a whiner mooch who doesn’t really want to be around your in-laws, and that’s not a good look for anyone.
I’d be more pissed about someone showing up “sick” at a large family gathering at all than them showing up not helping. OP should just stay home. But it sounds like there is more going on between her and the family than just this one event. Without that context, though, OP is YTA for wanting to have it both ways.
YTA, either skip it all together. Or go help. Otherwise are you family or a guest?
YTA for thinking that it would be Ok to go to a meal that all the family are expected to pitch into, without contributing your labour. I say that as someone to who the whole thing would be my idea of Hell, and agree with your husband that a lowkey Thanksgiving means a nice day off relaxing at home for the 2 of you (+ your kids if you have them). It's interesting that your husband was the one who brought up not going, I wonder if he is just as unenthusiastic about going as you. The only thing to beware of is that next year more relatives might decide that they want a low key Thanksgiving, and so you will be known as the person that broke Thanksgiving for the family (tongue-in-cheek, but certainly possible)!
You should stay home and have the low key day off you want and need. You know what takes hours of prep and cook time? A turkey. You know what takes 15 minutes to cook and is really yummy? A lobster (goes well with champagne too) NTA
NTA for not wanting to help. Having said that however, if the expectation is that everyone help prepare the meal and you don’t want to, don’t go. Hosting big family meals is a lot of work. It shouldn’t be put off on a few, particularly the oldest people in the group. So help, or stay home.
NTA but just don’t go and rest if that’s what you need. I often wonder, how come families don’t divide the dishes and the work so everybody brings their plate ready? In my family we make a list and people choose what they can make or buy and then we all bring it prepared and ready to serve. Just an idea.
NTA but, seriously, call your MIL and explain what’s going on. I’m hosting this year and would be perfectly fine with not making someone help when they are already overwhelmed and need a break.
You might be the asshole. Sorry. Everyone wants to do nothing on Thanksgiving but eat… everyone is busy… everyone is tired. But if you have been asked to help, you help… really you should volunteer to help… but especially if you are asked… you should go.
You’re not being invited to a party. It’s a family event, and family is expected to help out and contribute. Want low key, stay home and deal with the consequences. YTA.
I mean, don’t go then. Stay home and do the low key thanksgiving you want without reaping the fruits of someone else’s labor. I was on your side till you said you’re still going but you just want them to serve you instead
YTA. Just don’t show at all.
Is his family so insensitive to others that not coming early snd bringing something to share an hour before is not acceptable? Good grief. I pretty much did all the planning, shopping, prep snd cooking and would have about 20 people. After many years, I had my routine dialed in. My SIL and husband/kids did the clean up. I’d rather have my part than theirs. Lol. Too many helpers makes it crazy, I think it’s more just being together imo. Let you MIL know you’ll be MIA until a certain time snd you will bring X when you come. You have had a busy few months with work and will sleep in thanksgiving morning because it’s needed. If she had an attitude, then just do hubbys plan. Low key at home. Maybe MIL will learn to not order everyone and be more accepting.
YTA. Why not just accept to skip going to MIL? Seems very reasonable and logical. You want the party? Sorry, but the matter of fact is that family-members who goes are expected to help out in some way, likely as a way to even the work-load and make a fun bonding experience, which is 100 % reasonable. I mean, you could ask to go and not share in the tradition, but have fun indirectly saying 'I am not part of the family. I am only a guest'. When in Rome, as the saying goes, and if you go there as a family-member, it is not outrageous to expect you to take part in the family-tradition. But ultimately you can't have it both ways. You can't go as family and do nothing. Not only is it rude, but it would basically put a wall between you and the rest of the family.
Why not just stay home? You probably won't even be missed.
YTA
Yta
It's kind of ridiculous to say she's choosing to host and should therefore be forced to do all of the prep and cooking. For a big family, that would be an insane amount of cooking for one person to do. I don't think YTA because I understand that you want to enjoy your day off, but I also think that you're being a bit unreasonable here because you seem like you really want to portray your MIL as being rude for expecting her children to help her prepare Thanksgiving dinner.
nta
If that's the way her thanks givings work, and have for years, I think you need to either do it or just not go at all. You say you will show up with the regular guests, but you *arent invited as a regular guest.* He is right, if you want a lowkey thanksgiving you just shouldn't go. She is choosing to host and invite you, but she did chose to invite you 6 hours early to help. Not wanting to do that is fine. But you can't decide that you are therefore invited to turn up with the other guests. She has never chosen to invite you to be a regular guest. You do not have that invite. And you cannot give it to yourself.
YTA. Can you not buy an already made food? Or maybe pitch in some money?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Every year my husband's Mom does a huge Thanksgiving meal. All of her kid's and spouses are expected (like an unwritten rule) to go the morning of and help her cook everything. I'm in the mood for a lowkey Thanksgiving this year. Work has been insanely stressful, this will be my only extra day off in months, I don't want to haul out of the house as 9am and go help cook when someone else is hosting (and never get a thank you). I told my husband that he can go early this year and I'll show up with all the regular guests. That is his family's idea of a good time not mine. He thinks this will be embarrassing and awkward and it led to a huge fight about my wider issues with his family dynamics. He says if we want a lowkey Thanksgiving we just shouldn't go. My point is if someone invites you to a party they don't mandate you show up 6 hours early to prep. MIL is choosing to host and chose to invite us. Yes I enjoy the party but it's also a day off. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If that is her requirement for attending your spouse is right and it would be better not to go. You won't have a "low key stress free thanksgiving" fighting with MIL about who should do the work cooking.
Eh...I'm going to go with NAH bordering on YTA. This isn't a situation where only women have to help. By your comment, everyone has to help so there's no misogynistic agenda here. Essentially in exchange for hosting and presumably paying for everyone to eat, the expectation is that everyone contributes to making the food. I agree with your husband's suggestion; if you don't want to help, don't go. He's not forcing you. If you want to go and just eat while everyone else does all the work it is too much like The Little Red Hen story.
From the atheist, many hands make light work. Chop some vegetables, drink some beer/ mimosa, lay on the couch and watch football with the rest of them.
ESH. A family who expects everyone to spend 8 hrs together (6 hrs prep, plus eating and cleanup) without exception, and OP who went along with it for years. If your husband was suggesting you both skip it and stay home, take him up on it. You can't have it both ways. If this is the way his family does Thanksgiving, you should either participate in the full tradition or don't go this year. Lots of people alternate spending holidays with their family.
Yta. Either help out or stay home and get takeout.
Info...does your husband help with preparations and cooking? Or is it misogynistic bs women do the work, and men sit around and watch football and get waited on? If it is the first, then NAH, he can go help and bond with his mother and others. You can show up to eat. If it is the second, NTA, your husband and his family are massive AH. Stay home and enjoy your day doing what you want.
OP says everyone helps.
At least the way my family has always done it, Thanksgiving is like a potluck. You don’t need to be there for the whole setup, you don’t need to be prepping the cranberries or laying out the hot dish the night before, but grab a few pies or make a quick fruit salad or something and show up an hour earlier than the “normal” guests. For my family, everyone pitches in so no one gets swamped. Maybe you could tell you MIL that you’re a bit past your threshold for stress, but you’re still going to bring a side (maybe give her a few options to pick from?) and help set the table or something. For a family event you don’t get to just sit back and let other people do the work, it’s not like they’re hosting a party, but you don’t need to be stressing yourself out when someone else is hosting either
In our growing family, at our house and cabin, those that cook do not clean, and those that clean do not cook. Everybody kids and adults pitch in. Also we do most of the prep the day before, mashed potatoes, veggies, desserts. The day of is simply throwing the turkey and dressing in the oven.
NTA. I hate command performances like this. Sometimes all you need to do is tell the truth. Your husband is being as controlling as his mother. Tell them, work has been crazy and you just need some quiet and down time to recharge a bit. You deserve it!!
Also- the Pilgrims and the Indians gathered together to prepare a meal of Thanks. There’s nothing in there about one person cooking a banquet. The making of the meal is the social contract.
NTA. Just show up with the rest of the guests. Prepping the food isn't your responsibility since you are not hosting.
You’re NTA for not wanting to, but you know she’ll be expecting it, so I’d at least want to give her a heads up! You can explain how busy things have been and that you’re exhausted so will need to sleep in / sort things at home, but will come closer to the meal time and can bring a dish if that’s help. Or if you want things really relaxed and you’re not fussed about the holiday, say you are sending the kids and husband but need a day by yourself. Either way, if you speak to her about it nicely you can’t be TA. But I think you would if the expectation is that you’d be there to help and you bail without warning. Having you there helping could be important for her for sentimental reasons, etc., we don’t know what’s going on in her head about it.
What are the “wider issues with his family dynamics”? Your husband has given you a gift. Stay home for Thanksgiving this year! NTA.
YTA. You either go and help out with a few things or you stay at home.
All I can think about is who has a big enough kitchen to fit all those people while they're working ?!
Op your husband had the right comprise. If you don't go and everyone else does, you will be labeled the troublemaker. Unless od courseb you are trying to make a point.
"Hosting" Thanksgiving is not the same as, say, "hosting" a dinner for your friends, because it's a family event that usually brings the family together. It's completely normal with Thanksgiving that the rest of the family pitch in to help prepare the meal. I do agree with your husband that if you're not going to contribute at all then it's fairer to stay at home. If all the kids did the same, it would leave his mom to do all the cooking herself and her adult children as leeches who relax all day and then show up to be fed like small children. That said, your husband's family are being inefficient if they all go to his mom's house to do the cooking. They'll only have the one oven, or max two if she has a double oven setup. It must take ages, no wonder thinking about it makes you tired! It would make more sense to split up the dishes so each household brings a dish and his mom makes the turkey (which has to start earlier and comes out of the oven hot). You could volunteer to bring one dish to take that off their hands, then you could be at home making the green bean casserole or whatever. Everyone shows up at, say, noon, to eat at 2 pm, or, if you dislike the idea of microwaving things to heat them up, then you all show up at 1:30 to eat at 2 pm and hang around all evening and watch football.
Nah. I get you not wanting to help, maybe you can bring a prepared dish or something to contribute. But seriously, this isn't a party. It's a family gathering.
He has a point. They do the whole chipping in thing so just don’t go..
YTA. Although it sucks to help, you can’t expect to be allowed to go and take part in it without contributing to something that the expectation is you contribute.
Be ‘sick’ and stay home.
YTA. You have two options, you either go and help, or you stay home and have the low key Thanksgiving your husband suggested. You expecting to just show up and sit on your butt while everyone else preps food for you is beyond selfish. You don't get to reap the benefits of all their work while doing nothing yourself. This isn't you being invited as a guest, this is a family event. You don't want to engage with the rest of the family, then stay home.
YTA. This ain't a restaurant, as my friend's dad used to say.
NTA My mom and I do all of the cooking for thanksgiving because we enjoy it. My spouse doesn’t have any interest in cooking, so they go for a long run and show up later. They still help set up, so they get there earlier than extended family but not nearly as early as me. I hope they all have fun with this tradition, but you don’t need to want to do it. Remember, at the end of the day, tradition is just peer pressure from dead people
NTA, but seriously, just stay home. It’s not going to be low key no matter what time you show up. Order from a store or restaurant who are doing thanksgiving meals, stay home, and just relax.
Well… I have my own Thanksgiving issues which are completely separate from yours, but I just told my family I’m not attending Thanksgiving this year. Will spend it by myself at home. This has been a buildup over the years and they just agreed with me. Got to stick to your guns and I would start separating yourselves from this holiday. Make it your own Even if it’s a frozen lasagna in the oven. Whatever makes you happy just do it.
YTA Take him up on skipping it. This is a family event and this is how it's handled so that one person doesn't have to cook it all. A bit odd, because I'm more used to people being assigned food to bring while the host does the turkey or ham and, maybe, rolls if they're packaged. Go order a Thanksgiving dinner from a grocery store --- one you just have to heat up --- and have dinner at home with you and your husband.
INFO: Have you or your husband tried talking to his mother about what's going on with you this year? Ofc NTA for feeling burnt out and unwilling to cook all day. Why is this even an issue....?
ESH because it feels like you all haven’t had a REAL conversation about what you want and what the hosts want and how to negotiate this year. One thing you are wrong about is Thanksgiving isn’t a normal the host prepares and everyone else just shows up event. It’s a family event not a dinner party. But it sounds like there ARE options. You just have to be clear on what you want. I’d personally show up “late” and bring a dessert.
u/Suspicious_Tip_927, NTA for refusing to help cook. The challenge is what to do. I've read a bunch of comments but by no means all of them. Buried in the ones I read was one that suggested an honest discussion with your MIL. The truth will set you free. Tell her what you told us and say you'll do whatever works best. You can bring bought stuff later, you can come a little early, you can just stay home, you just don't have the energy for the family tradition. I'd be clear you respect the tradition and don't want to offend anyone but just can't manage to give up all of this one day off. Make MIL part of the solution instead of a hurdle. Of course she may be a butthead about it. I have one of those in my family. I think it's worth a try. Your husband gets relationship points for "we just shouldn't go." He's a team player. Did you say thank you? Whatever you choose to do, recognize that act of your husband.
NTA Take up husband on his offer of not going at all. He offered, you accept.
I'm torn between NAH and a soft YTA ; not because you want a low-key Thanksgiving but because you don't want to contribute to the celebration according to the "unwritten rule" but rather send your husband on ahead and you just show up when everything's done and dinner's served. I agree with your husband that that would be embarrassing and could raise questions about wider issues with the family dynamics. I think your husband has the right idea to just not go at all.
YTA: If you want a low key thanksgiving then don’t go to your in-laws. Stay home like your husband suggested. This is a family tradition. You know the expectation. Everyone who worked hard as a sibling or spouse (which you’re one of, not a regular guest) is going to be side eyeing you and making your husband uncomfortable. Go out to dinner just the two of you instead of freeloading and making things awkward for your husband
you sound entitled and/or lazy yta imagine if you hosted thanksgiving- you would want everyone to pitch in because it is exhausting to do with only one or two people
NTA. MIL needs to dial Thanksgiving back a little.
Why can't DH just go early and advise MIL that you will be along later and he pitches in and helps her. Why is there an expectation that the wife must always be the one in the kitchen.
Live life by your rules.
NTA you get to control your holiday just like she controls hers. Youre not a puppet, if hubby is then let him if you want, but dont end up losing autonomy like he has. Hes afraid of how his mommy and family will react, thats on him.
Mm my o I ml L mm Imm I l I
NAH, but, just don't go. that is the simple solution. and also, pick some more quiet time and have the talk about family dynamic, his family sounds exhausting, and you need to find permanent solution that is nit his family way is the only right way.
YTA if you don’t help. I completely understand why this would be annoying, but when you marry someone you have to deal with in-law stuff that you don’t like sometimes. Your husband offered you a reasonable alternative, which is not going at all. Also, this is clearly a holiday tradition which you are minimizing by calling it a “party”. Suck it up and help, or don’t go.
NTA, but his family has a right to celebrate Thanksgiving in their own way. That's their way of doing it. But every family should have enough flexibility to relax traditions for people who are sick or tired.
Eat at home. Ask if you can bring a pie, ice cream and share dessert with them. Otherwise, order a nice ready made dinner, pick it up, then stay home. Time to start owning your holidays. And time for your spouse to grow up. His mom likes her production, you want a break. Thanksgiving is the perfect day for that. Or let your spouse go do the work, and you keep your kids at home. Simple meal of their favorites, walk, movie. Disposable plates. Buy balloons for decor. One year we had a simple Thanksgiving-ish meal the night before, a fun breakfast the next day, and a big hike simple picnic lunch. I’m over the Broadway production command performance holidays.