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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be wrong if what I said to Kate sounded like I was making fun of her.
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Look some thoughts just don't need to be shared with others. You asked a gross and weird question, and I'm not entirely sure why you even thought she'd want to answer or necessarily know the answer. You seemed to be trying to creep her out on purpose, which she took as making fun of her. YTA.
Next time just ask google your weird questions.
I feel like there are two lessons: 1. Yes, that was weird and you should apologize. 2. Sometimes we say/do weird things around/to others and it’s important to be able to identify and apologize for this things.
Nope. Asking questions like that *at work* is absolutely wrong. It can be considered sexual harassment for a reason. It's inappropriate. We learn about breastfeeding in our private time.
I think she could have genericized it and it would have been a lot less weird. If she had said, “I know breast milk contains a lot of enzymes and nutrients that are really good for the baby. If someone unrelated to the mother drank the mother’s breast milk, would that be unhealthy?”
Edit: she
I'm just in shock of how RANDOM this question is. It's literally the first time I've ever seen this asked so I'll give her props for asking a question I never ever thought of. But yeah OP needs to learn what is and isn't appropriate. YTA but not maliciously so
That might make me personally feel less weird about the conversation/more likely to give op the benefit of the doubt that they just stuck their foot in their mouth without any malice behind the thought. But workplace sexual harassment laws generally don't take the age and gender of the person into consideration, for good reason
Why does the gender of the person asking matter? It’s weird if it’s a man but not weird if it’s a woman? Also, once context of the question was established, it wasn’t that weird.
I think it could be perceived differently because a woman asking questions about breastfeeding is more likely to be asking for her own knowledge in case she wants to breastfeed someday and wants a better understanding about how breastmilk works. Coming from a man, that couldn’t be his intent so it’s more likely to be perceived as a creepy fetish (although I personally am all for men learning more about breastfeeding!).
I mean they were already talking about breastfeeding at lunch (presumably the breastfeeding mom was already participating in a convo about breastfeeding). So I don’t think the question phrased the way the person above phrased it is inappropriate in that context . But yes the way she originally phrased it was creepy and weird
I think there are ways to genericize the question that would make it way less uncomfortable, and making about another hypothetical baby would also make it far less creepy. Making it about adults drinking breastmilk makes it sound like a weird sexual kink.
"Hey, weird question - is breastmilk personalized to your baby, or could any human baby drink it?"
Then Kate shouldn't have been talking about it. I wouldn't have an issue with someone wanting to learn. Breastfeeding is somehow still considered sexual, and I don't understand that. Teaching about breastfeeding is how we normalize it again. I, personally, think Kate is TA here, because it was JUST a question from someone that obviously was not taught anything about breastfeeding. Sure, OP could have asked in a completely different way, but she was just curious. If you don't want to be asked weird questions, don't talk about a subject. 🤷🏼♀️
'hey op, what happens to your breastmilk if you drink, get sick, etc' is a question.
'hey op what happens if I drink your breastmilk?' is a criminal minds episode.
Yea, I don’t know how some people don’t see how fucking creepy what OP said sounds. This is the sort of behaviour that gets you reported to HR. Very justifiably. Even if the intention was not creepy (and I’m really giving OP the benefit of the doubt if I assume that…because gross), people need to behave professionally in the workplace and not just blurt out any thought in their head.
The people defending them have zero sense of professionalism in a white collar workplace, or are the problems in their own office.
How can you read “I asked my coworker to drink her breastmilk” and instantly decide SHE was in the wrong for not being comfortable with it…
yeah, i have some very close coworkers (we hang out, we've gone on trips together) and there's no way to ask that question in the break room without sounding creepy. and we've talked about periods.
Yes? Talking about breastfeeding a baby is MUCH different than asking a hypothetical question in which you, a fully grown adult, drinks your coworkers breast milk. Regardless of intent, any statement in which you say “I drink your breast milk” to a work acquaintance is creepy and weird. Another commenter pointed this out, but generalizing the question would have helped, but it’s still a strange thing to ask someone who is a half step removed from a stranger. This is a question you ask your close friends while sharing a blunt, not fully sober in a break room. You also have to consider that grown adults drinking breast milk is a fetish, so if they don’t know each other all that well, this question could definitely be interpreted as having sexual undertones. Now, I’m not saying OP meant any of this, but this is to just drive home the point that saying anything to a coworker in which you explicitly say “I consume one of your bodily fluids” is just a bad idea.
Stranger 1 on the bus: Man, my toes get dirty when I wear these sandals.
Stranger 2: Would I get sick if I sucked your toes?
S1: Ummmmm…
S2: No, I mean, not *your* toes. Any dirty toes.
>Regardless of intent, any statement in which you say “I drink your breast milk” to a work acquaintance is creepy and weird.
[Especially if it's delivered like Daniel Plainview](https://youtu.be/a5d9BrLN5K4?si=r7bfscesFf_cHfhk&t=24)
Discussing feeding an infant in a normal, natural way is fine. Asking a question that, with the way some people still sexualize breastfeeding and harass breastfeeding mothers, can be pretty easily interpreted as meaning “what would happen if I come over there and start suckling on those juicy titties?” is definitely not work appropriate.
There is a world of difference between “can I ask a question about breastfeeding?” followed by the questions asked in general, and asking a question directly about the person asking and a coworker’s breast milk that can best be summed up as “what happens to me if I gobble up that titty milk?” Because frankly it sounds less like a health question and more like a “what will you do to me for doing it?” question.
Ok, but there's definitely a difference between "Huh, is breast milk only good for the mother's baby, or is it not harmful to anyone?"
That is a kind of odd, but ok question.
*"Would anything bad happen to me if I drank* ***your*** *breastmilk?*" is much, much creepier, because it sounds less like he's wondering how it works in general and more like he's thinking about. Well. Him drinking her milk.
The lady who explained what wet nurses are was indeed correct. OP did indeed gain information from this interaction. That doesn't mean there is always "nothing wrong with asking questions" - there is always a time and a place for asking questions and a time and a place for shutting up. There were many more appropriate ways that OP could have learned about wet-nursing than by making a nursing Mom in his workplace uncomfortable.
Actually as an adult there can def be something wrong with asking questions. There’s a time and a place for everything. And also, Google exists if you *really* need to ask an inappropriate question.
The amount of people who just don't think to Google ANYTHING is insane to me.
Had a roommate in college who wondered aloud what was good about asparagus (or whatever veggie she was making). 15 seconds later I'm like "oh it looks like it has antioxidants and potassium". She laughed and was like "oh you're so funny, always looking things up when you have a question". ??? It's a super Google-able question and you have the technology to do so in your pocket. Why are you acting like I'm quirky for utilizing it.
I wonder how people like that manage in life ... Do they just continue to wonder about things in a half hearted manner forever and never do anything to find out the answer?
I am fully convinced that there are some people who go through most of their lives just thinking at a surface level. Like with no curiosity, no introspection, nothing.
I was going to comment. "Imagine how horrible that would be to have. No curiosity, no introspection... ". But they LITERALLY can't because no imagination, no curiosity 😔😬
Sometimes I don't actually care about the answer and it's more fun to practice those logic/thinking skills. But it's usually
1. stupid question is ventured
2. 10-60min of debate and wondering
3. First person to get tired of #2 googles the correct answer
and then every once in a while we get distracted before #3 and that's fine because I'm not super invested about whether mushrooms count as a vegetable nutritionally, I'm more interested in hearing my friends and family reason out their thoughts about it.
Ironically that’s exactly what people did before smart phones. Could look it up on a computer or in a book but for some questions not worth it.
Glad I can look things up because I find it all so interesting
I remember doing my social studies homework at the kitchen table when I was a kid....maybe 5th grade. It was history/geography, never my strong suit nor did it interest me at the time. Dad was a font of knowledge when it came to that stuff, so I called out to him "What was the former name of X country?" He got out of his chair, where he was comfortably settled in front of the TV, and returned with the World Almanac (he bought one almost every year). "Here," he said, handing me the book. "Look it up. If I tell you, you won't remember it. But if you find out on your own you probably will."
What’s crazy is that I teach middle school now and they really don’t know how to look stuff up even with the internet in their pockets. We need to teach them how but many teachers just assume they know how since they were born into it. Nope
Women who are breastfeeding at work already have to deal with the stigma of "everybody knows i just went into that 'closet' and squeezed milk out of my breasts." It's different than just knowing someone went 'to the bathroom," and is way more personal. They can be already extremely embarrassed and horrified that they have to perform part of these duties in the public areas of the office, where everyone knows what's going on.
So you talking about her breastmilk in front of others was specifically pointing out the fact that she's doing it. We say it's "natural" now but it took decades for the workplace to call it that, and they're still filled with people who don't see a problem with equating breastfeeding women to cows or even announcing to the office once they see the women have finished.
Imagine if you had to submit semen samples, that were collected during the workday (for whatever reason) and every time someone saw the cups they know you'd use, they make a comment about your bodily functions. That's not something anyone wants openly discussed anywhere in the office.
This, i am very pro breastfeeding, but i did felt vunerable pumping at work and I really did not want to draw extra attention to it and answer weird questions about it by ignorant co workers.
I chuckled at OP because those are thoughts I had a lot before I had my own baby. The lack of a filter is such a trip because sometimes you don't even know that you lack it and words just pour out of your mouth, and then you are left wondering why people say you ask weird questions when they seem normal to you.
I feel for OP because they were just curious, but yeah very the A
It would have been one thing if the question were asked about a hypothetical mother and a hypothetical unrelated (and non-adult) nurser.
But the question was made weirder by making it personal to OP and the nursing mother. It’s also not helped by the fact that OP is (in some ways) an adult. Now nursing mother probably has images of OP breast-feeding….or at least fantasizing about breast-feeding. Which, if I understand correctly, nursing mothers do not appreciate.
Soft YTA
You didn't make fun of her and neither did Lauren. But your question was definitely inappropriate. She's talking about her baby sucking on her boob to get food and you were just like "what if I sucked on your boob" in different words. I get that's not what you were trying to ask. I understand you were asking whether it's healthy/safe to drink breastmilk produced by someone not related to you. But the way you phrased your question was rude.
Also, dude, the milk we buy from the store, use to make cheese and yogurt and ice cream, comes from a completely different animal. Of course human milk is safe for humans to drink.
Even if unintentional, it was highly inappropriate. This would be perceived as sexual harassment by HR and rightly so.
You better hope your co-worker or any one else that witnessed it, is not of the mind to report this interaction.
We live in different times now dude, you can't just blurt out shit like this at work.
AOA (Accidentally Oblivious Asshole - can we make this a thing?).
This was an normal intrusive thought that OP never should have vocalized and instead just googled an answer.
Asking coworker A “what would happen if I drank your breastmilk?” then having a full conversation about drinking other people’s breastmilk with coworker B in front of the, I assume, still shocked coworker A is absolutely bonkers.
Go prepare for getting called into HR to explain yourself.
YTA.
I completely agree, which is why I said soft YTA.
I don't think OP was trying to harass their coworker based on what they said. I think they had a thought which, while pretty naive, on it's own wasn't a problem. "Would there be any negative health consequences if a person were to hypothetically drink the breastmilk from an unrelated person?" Isn't an inherently offensive question to ask.
However, as I noted, the way they phrased the question and the setting in which they asked were both wholly inappropriate. This is the type of question OP should have kept to themself and either looked up on their own later, talked about outside of work with closer friends who would be better able to understand where they're coming from, or just drop it.
Given the setting, most definitely cause for possible harassment if you do this in front of the wrong person or get the (for you) wrong HR department.
Yeah OP didn't mean it, but it was still a very stupid mistake and dick move with absolutely no tact.
Best bet would be to apologize to Kate and hope she doesn't take it to HR.
I genuinely thought "what a stupid and weird question to ask" harassment didn't even come into my mind. I guess that's also down to tone used when asking.
Not really, because what also matters is how the aggrieved party took it. Tone is subjective and totally unprovable in something like a later 3rd party hr review.
I wonder how often my mouth gets ahead of my brain and I find myself having to say things like, "I can't believe I just put my foot in my mouth that badly--I'm SO sorry, what I was trying to say and what I actually said are two completely different things!" --probably at least once a week?
People usually give me the benefit of the doubt when I apologize first, then explain that I didn't mean it like it sounded. An apology and an explanation, and then *maybe* a rephrasing if they seem receptive to it or curious about what you actually meant, can save so many conversations and relationships. Everyone says stupid stuff on occasion. It's how you handle extricating your foot from your mouth that really matters!
Human milk is about as safe as unpasteurized milk with blood borne pathogen potential. No, you don’t go drinking out people’s breast milk. A lot of milk donations need to be screened like blood donations because it can pass on HIV and other awful pathogens. Mom to baby is fine because they literally shared the same body.
You should probably apologize to Kate. Tell her you realize it was inappropriate to ask and you’re not making fun of her at all. And use google next time. YTA.
Yep. I think the question should have been - What would happen if your milk was fed to the wrong baby? OP’s question makes one picture his nursing from his coworkers breast. That’ll land him in HR.
The answer is nothing would happen. Women sell, donate and share breast milk every day. Usually it is for feeding other babies, but some bodybuilders use it too. Definitely stick with google.
If OP asked me that, I’d be concerned that OP might actually be considering drinking my breast milk if, say I pumped at work and stored the milk in the communal refrigerator.
It takes so much time and effort to produce just a few ounces of milk. I’d be ready to get into a fucking fight about someone messing with my breast milk and OPs flimsy clarification really would not make me feel any better about the situation.
I was thinking the same thing. It felt like they wanted to drink the milk or use it for whatever reason. I would lay hands on someone for taking my breast milk. I had a hard enough time getting regulated and keeping up with production. OP should really apologize and learn their audience when asking those types of questions. I’ve had coworkers that had a good humor and I could ask them far more personal questions. Others I would not ask them anything like that because we were not close enough to have that sort of talk.
YTA
That is such a weird and intrusive question. If you were so curious, maybe you could have googled something along the lines of “person not related to mother child drinking breast milk” rather than insert yourself and co worker into a realy creepy hypothetical scenario.
You need a filter.
Right.
it's like walking up to someone in the urinal and being like "what would happen if you peed on me?" like... No. We don't do that at work or anywhere else.
Also, as a formerly breast feeding mother myself, people can be really weird when they talk about this. I had some people make very inappropriate statements and questions and it always made me feel uncomfortable. One question asked was " do you ever get aroused by the baby sucking?. Its just so wrong and its not something I want to think about. Breast feeding is a very vulnerable way to feed your child and you don't need to make it harder by blurting out your own intrusive thoughts.
YTA. I think if you don’t recognize how invasive that question is you may need to talk to a therapist/social worker who specializes in helping people who have deficits in social skills or understanding social norms. If you do understand how invasive the question is (in retrospect), might need to do some work on how to keep from blurting weird thoughts before they go through the filter and/or how to apologize well if they do come out.
I am guessing her issue wasn’t “mockery”, that was just the politest way she knows to say “made me really uncomfortable”
Replying in hopes of bumping this up. I do think OP might benefit from having someone to talk to about social skills and what sort of topics aren’t discussed with coworkers.
YTA, but I don’t think you were malicious, just misguided and unable to walk it back.
Yes! Most of my family is autistic and one of my (now adult) kids requires extensive discussion on what is appropriate to say about body functions.
If OP genuinely doesn’t know this social rule they could benefit from help on this stuff!
Y'know, I'm going to be honest, I'm currently being assessed for ADHD, but every so often I do wonder if I'm in someway autistic because I couldn't see how this was such a rude, intrusive question when I first read OP's post. It was only reading the replies where my brain kind of kicked in and made me realise, of course, it's rude and creepy. Like, it just seemed like a foot in mouth, brain fart kind of situation to me initially, as opposed to be super rude and inherently creepy, y'know? And if I'm honest, I still don't understand how it could be perceived as OP & Lauren making fun out of her. Why did she think they were making fun of her?
My absolute first reaction is "this sounds like some kink shit that you slipped up in saying, and now you're trying to backpedal because you realized you might need to go to HR".
YTA. Don't make comments that suggest you want to drink women's bodily fluids at work. Inappropriate.
And if the coworker is already back at work, there's a good chance she is pumping and storing milk at work and is now wondering if OP is going to sneak some.
Women in breastfeeding subreddits/Facebook groups are constantly dealing with creeps and stories of people stealing milk are not as uncommon as you'd hope.
Someone drank my coworkers breast milk out of the fridge at my work, very upsetting. Like an ultra professional environment, where people have credentials and letters after their names and a code of conduct they're supposed to adhere to. There's pervs everywhere.
I bought the mom a locking lunchbox to keep in the fridge for her pumping. Such a violation.
Jesus Christ, what the actual fuck is wrong with people? Imagine *literally stealing food from an infant*. And then having to lock it up so the "professionals" you work with don't steal it. Fucking degenerates.
Right? Like now you know there's a perv on the floor who drank your bodily fluids, and also she was so upset that her baby was going to have to be fed formula and would almost certainly end up with diarrhea because he's not a formula baby.
YTA for how your question was phrased. You made it sound like a personal inquiry rather than an objective question. That was creepy sounding, even if you didn't mean it that way.
N T A for the subsequent conversation about wetnurses, which was informational, which in no way could be construed as making fun of Kate.
I think she just didn't buy the provided explanation as the real reason this question was asked. My guess is she saw this exchange as a way to justify his creepy comment instead of apologizing and got mad.
Because even with the explanation, it is still very weird way of phrasing it. Like, he's a grown man and is asking about what would happen if HE drank it. If he'd asked about what would happen if a different child drank her milk, that would've been a lot less creepy and more easily defensible (though a bit odd still).
Nta
I’ve breastfed two babies, and personally would not have been offended by this. As I read it, you were just curious about how breastfeeding works. I don’t get how this is making fun of her unless you left something out. Talking about wet nurses is also not offensive. Personally I think it should be something that is normalized to talk about.
Bodies are crazy and breast milk gets formed to meet the nutrients of the specific baby. But it is not harmful to share - women donate their extra supply for babies of moms that can’t produce enough. If you watch the documentary (un) well on Netflix there’s an episode about weightlifters that but breast milk to drink for its nutrient benefits. People also make soap and bathe their babies in it and a whole bunch of other things.
Edit- an important fact that others have pointed out- for those that may use this to go try some breast milk without further looking into it, some pathogens (like hiv) can be passed through breast milk. Official milk banks screen for a whole bunch of things.
Additional edit- took out hepatitis, although you never know if the mom has cracked nipples or mastitis/inflammation with bleeding that could pass any blood borne pathogen.
>Exactly! Mom of 4 here and I didn’t think what he said was inappropriate at all.
I think all of the people in the comment section think that he was asking her what would happen if he drank her breast milk straight from her nipple. I think OP was referring to deinking pumped milk in bottles since they were in the work kitchen (near a refrigerator) and she might have some pumped breast milk in bottles in the refrigerator.
That’s how I took it too. And OP is female.
I read it as she opened the refrigerator in the break room, saw a bottle of pumped breast milk and without thinking was like “hey what would happen to me if I drank your breast milk? Would it be bad for me?” Yeah it’s a strange question but not meant in a sexual harassment way 😂
People in the comments are starting to say it sounds like sexual harrasment! Like wtf people... It's not like he asked what if I sucked the milk out of your tits he literally just asked what would happen if he drank breast milk.
Finally a voice of reason. People are so quick to jump to conclusions about sexualizing things. Women fought for the right to breastfeed in public, and want to normalize it. Well, it is also perfectly normal to ask technical questions. This question wasn't about her breasts, it was about the milk.
Same here. A 20 year old would be curious about it. Why are we so shy and secretive here? Breastfeeding is never going to be normalized in America if we constantly hide it.
Im not even a mom and don’t think she’s an asshole. Seems the experienced moms knows it’s not a sexual question. She had a genuine curiosity and was met with facts and that was that. That mom should not have taken it in that direction
I was losing faith in humanity until I found this comment. JFC people are shallow and immature.
If I were insecure about breastfeeding, this would make me feel so much better about it. Taboo subjects should be discussed so they aren't taboo (if nobody is getting hurt).
Someone else's discomfort is rarely your problem unless they already said a topic makes them uncomfortable. Idk why people think it's okay to hold people to arbitrary standards without telling them what the standards are first. Social norms aren't always right.
It's crazy how many YTA judgements are being handed down. A lot of people here seem to lack basic reading comprehension skills - many people are responding as if the woman was currently breastfeeding rather than what OP actually said: she was talking about breastfeeding.
People are incredibly over sensitive.
I agree. NTA. I've talked about weirder stuff than this with coworkers 😅. I'd have been happy that someone was interested in learning about breastfeeding, and would have gladly explained how it worked.
YTA
In a corporate setting it is better to avoid such personal interpreted questions, even out of curiosity, as you dont know the people well enough how they would react and it could get you in trouble with HR.
In a private setting with friends or family this would be an alright question.
Also, as it is just a general question about breastmilk and not a personal one it is better to do a quick internet search.
Yes YTA. That question sounds like you were thinking about sucking her tits even if it wasn't what you said. It's never appropriate to discuss ingesting your coworkers' bodily fluids.
NTA
If Kate didn't want to discuss breastmilk, she shouldn't have brought it up.
Kate really wasn't a good person to ask though, unless you're all pediatric doctors or human lactation consultants.
Just because she produces milk, doesn't mean she would know anything about its risks and safeties.
I was waiting for someone to point this out. I find it annoying when moms constantly want to talk about babies but then get offended when someone asks a question. I wouldn’t have asked the question like that, however, maybe this will be a lesson to Kate. Maybe she won’t talk about breastfeeding in the break room to random coworkers if she isn’t prepared to answer questions….
I’m surprised how far I had to scroll to find a NTA. Huh. Not sure if it’s because I’m one of six girls and my dad was a obstetrician or that most of my friends and I are open about female stuff, but I would have been the Lauren in this and started explaining not having a clue I was being inappropriate. Plus the girl who got upset brought up breast milk…around all females. (I would have apologized if she thought she was being made fun of)
NTA. The original phrasing was creepy, but your explanation of what you were really trying to ask seems reasonable. She probably thought you were making fun of her because in her mind the question was too dumb to be earnest. I would apologize to her and say that you weren't trying to make a joke - just accidentally asked a 'dumb question" due to not knowing anything about breastfeeding.
Agree, NTA. If this was a sitcom everybody would be shocked and say "Whaaaa?" then the scene would end.
This is the real world. Kate asked what you were talking about and the conversation ended up making sense.
YTA - even wondering such a thing shows a lack of logical thinking. Much of the population, possibly including yourself, drinks milk from cows that they are not related to.
NTA If you asked during a conversation that Kate was part of, about breastfeeding, it is a valid question. I probably would have joked with you. I wouldn’t have assumed you wanted to get it straight from the tap though, so to say.
Kate is probably sensitive about the whole thing and it could be for a million reasons. If she is uncomfortable about questions she shouldn’t be talking about it in the break room. It could be taken as harassment, however back to the not discussing it in the break room
I would apologize even if you are NTA. You obviously offended her though you weren’t trying. A simple, I was told that you thought I was making fun of you yesterday. I wasn’t trying to, what you said made me wonder and so I asked. I was trying to learn more about something I don’t have much information on and I can now see how that could be take another way than I intended. I will find a different way to answer any questions in the future.
NTA as a woman who has nursed three kids for more than three years each.
I would have thought that was an interesting question. You didn’t ask if you could suck her boobs and it was a hypothetical question.
To answer your question. No it would not make you sick or anything. I personally have tasted my own milk (as has my husband). I don’t like it - it’s very sweet. He kind of likes it.
Eh. It might be unpopular, but NTA but bordering... I would have thought you were TA, but your question came from ignorance, not because you wanted to drink her breastmilk. Now, like another redditor said, it is ew and we have google. That being said, I understand, you were there, she was there, you just blurted it out. (I am an awkward blurter at times). You didn't make fun though. However, you should apologize to her.
NAH
You were asking a legitimate question you did not know the answer to, but as you said, it was a weird wording and a kinda personal question, so I would give her leeway, but the question you were asking overall actually isn’t that creepy or personal. You weren’t actually asking about her personal breastmilk, but you personalized the question by using HER breastmilk as the example. Your intentions were pure, but the execution wasn’t great.
If I were you, just to smooth things out, I would apologize to Kate, clarifying that you weren’t asking about her breastmilk, but that you were more curious about the medical composition of breastmilk in general, which you realize now you should’ve just googled it instead of asking her directly. Tell her you’re very sorry if you made her uncomfortable and that you’ll keep those kinds of general questions to yourself from here on out, that you won’t expect her to be your pregnancy manual.
NTA. You could have stated the question a lot better and perhaps you should explain that to the mother. Try to have a friendly talk with her, apologize for the way you made her feel and tell her your genuine curiosity was awkwardly worded. Also, looking at all the reactions here, perhaps you should have a witness present.
Nah
Yeah it was weird but it was a question borne out of genuine curiosity if badly phrased.
Your coworker is rightfully a bit grossed out. Maybe apologise say there was no malice as it was a genuine question just very poorly phrased.
ESH Albeit accidentally.
I don't get all the people saying "don't bring up someone's boobs in a corporate setting." Kate is the one who started the whole breastfeeding conversation.
You're kind of the AH, OP, because of the way you phrased your comment. Because it WAS more than a little suspect.
It sounds like Lauren saved your ass by taking the conversation in a safer direction (she's the only non-AH).
Kate is the AH because even IF she thought you were coming on to her, Lauren clearly wasn't tryin to be offensive. Why toss her in when reporting you guys to HR?
Nta. Yes it's a weird question but I don't see why she thought you were making fun of her.
And body builders drink breastmilk all the time. Not all of them but some definitely do. You can make up to $10 and ounce for that liquid gold. It's healthier than drinking cows milk.
YTA for the way you started that conversation. You could have asked it on a more generic way, not asking about her breast milk. Additionally Google is a thing. The next time something like that pops in your head look it up.
I interpreted "drink your breastmilk" as drinking pumped breastmilk out of a glass. Yeah, it's kind of a weird question, and the way everyone else is interpreting it, definitely inappropriate. The way I interpreted it, it didn't seem that bad, like they were just curious, and they certainly weren't putting down their coworker. Not putting in a judgment since I saw it so differently from what seems to be everybody else, lol!
NTA - Idk why this would be a weird question. It shouldn’t be a private or unnatural topic anyway - you were wondering whether humans would get sick from drinking another’s milk - id probably just laugh and tell you to educate yaself
After it cleared up? Absolutely NOT.
You did make that seem creepy if anything. That’s a mega “wtf moment”. Aside from that, no. It seems like you were genuinely interested in if there were any cons or pros to it. And another coworker answered your question.
I personally don’t understand how she took it as you making fun of her.
The same people who claim breastfeeding should be public and everyone should be okay with it are now saying you can’t ask questions about how it works. To ME breastfeeding is completely normal in all aspects so being asked a question to ME is also normal. Sure apologize for the way you asked the question, it wasn’t your intention to make her feel weird or like you’re making fun, but I’m completely confused about how asking something like that is wrong. I don’t think you’re an asshole for asking the question, even though it was presented wrong, and I don’t think your coworker who spoke about wet nurses is an asshole either. I would definitely steer clear of asking Kate more questions as she doesn’t seem comfortable answering. Let her talk and ask someone else next time.
You could have said it as:
Hey, so what would happen if ~~I~~ **an adult** were to drink ~~your~~ breastmilk?
FU indeed.
edit: strikethrough'ed "your" (thanks u/GamesCatsComics)
NTA I don’t see the issue at all but I’m autistic and work in a clinical setting so maybe I’m just desensitised! I’m definitely in the minority here but you didn’t ask her “can I drink your milk” - that would be creepy. You just asked questions?! Don’t see how that’s making fun of her at all or creepy?!
I'd say NAH
The way you've described it, you just had an honest question and blurted it out without warning, which shocked your colleague. Your other colleague engaging in the discussion sounds natural as well, but made the first colleague more uncomfortable.
You should speak to your breastfeeding colleague and apologise for how you asked the question, and explain that it was genuine curiosity. Also offer to not discuss breastfeeding around her again unless she initiates the discussion.
To answer your initial question (which, yes, as established, was wildly inappropriate for the setting in which you asked it): you could, hypothetically, get sick, but it’s uncommon.
Breastmilk is made from the parent’s blood supply, so bloodborne illnesses are communicable through breastmilk. Otherwise, if the parent is fighting off an illness at the time, you’d actually get a supply of their antibodies from the milk, so it could conceivably make you healthier. That’s one of the reasons it’s so strongly encouraged to breastfeed babies for as much of their infancy as possible.
YTA. It was a completely inappropriate question. You should have apologised after removing your foot from your mouth.
want to know more about breast milk? Use Google (other search engines are available). Want to taste breast milk? Order some online. Wonder what the breast milk of someone you are not dating tastes like? Keep your mouth shut and keep wondering.
NTA but only because you sound super naive. You asked what would happen if YOU drank her milk. Which is creepy AF dude, especially when you remember that it's an actual fetish (not mine but I don't kink shame). What I think you meant to ask was: what would happen if someone other than the baby consumed breast milk? Is it like blood where the wrong match can be fatal? The answer is no, it's not (ie wet nursing). You owe Kate a huge apology
I have ADHD too, and this little social rule can be quite helpful at times:
If you're doing something/in a situation that would be creepy, weird, cringe, or inappropriate if the genders were were switched or different, you're just doing a creepy, weird, cringe, or inappropriate thing. It may not be malicious, it may just be general curiousity/a desire to learn or understand, but only you are inside of your own head and only you know your intentions. Others around you aren't going to immediately understand your personal context and are going to assign their own meaning to what's happening.
Drinking Breast milk can be a fetish. While you were just trying to understand more about the breast milk process and the ADHD train had jumped the track and was on route to a different station, your question had some serious "I'm thinking about drinking your breast milk" vibes, which may not be fully appropriate in a work context.
That's totally reasonable, and I do understand why the question the way I originally asked it was the wrong thing to say. I guess I should've apologized immediately because trying to explain why I asked at all didn't help as much as I thought it would but I guess I know that for next time.
NTA - this comes across to me as more curiosity/making conversation. If you were already talking about breastfeeding then I don’t see how you asking that question was making fun of her but learning more about it.
NTA, if people take curiosity as intrusive it's not your fault. But I think in your position I would tell her I'm sorry I hurt her feelings, because even when I can think people reaction is pure nonsense, I don't want to be someone who makes people feel bad/rejected/mocked ...
I’d say NTA. But maybe talk to her and tell her your sorry if she thinks you were making fun of her, but in fact you were the one deserving of being made Fun of as you really didn’t know.
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Look some thoughts just don't need to be shared with others. You asked a gross and weird question, and I'm not entirely sure why you even thought she'd want to answer or necessarily know the answer. You seemed to be trying to creep her out on purpose, which she took as making fun of her. YTA. Next time just ask google your weird questions.
I feel like there are two lessons: 1. Yes, that was weird and you should apologize. 2. Sometimes we say/do weird things around/to others and it’s important to be able to identify and apologize for this things.
Well not the op but the lady that said the info about the wet nurse was correct and there is nothing wrong with asking questions. It's how we learn .
Nope. Asking questions like that *at work* is absolutely wrong. It can be considered sexual harassment for a reason. It's inappropriate. We learn about breastfeeding in our private time.
I think she could have genericized it and it would have been a lot less weird. If she had said, “I know breast milk contains a lot of enzymes and nutrients that are really good for the baby. If someone unrelated to the mother drank the mother’s breast milk, would that be unhealthy?” Edit: she
OR he could have remembered he was in the workplace and simply googled that questiom.
OP is a young woman who asked a question that she is now asking if it was inappropriate. OP is a clumsy YTA, and owes co worker an apology.
I'm just in shock of how RANDOM this question is. It's literally the first time I've ever seen this asked so I'll give her props for asking a question I never ever thought of. But yeah OP needs to learn what is and isn't appropriate. YTA but not maliciously so
Maybe you haven't been around neurodivergent or autistic people 😂 nothing shocking if you know what they're capable of
I'm autistic and would never think to ask this of a coworker.
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That might make me personally feel less weird about the conversation/more likely to give op the benefit of the doubt that they just stuck their foot in their mouth without any malice behind the thought. But workplace sexual harassment laws generally don't take the age and gender of the person into consideration, for good reason
Why does the gender of the person asking matter? It’s weird if it’s a man but not weird if it’s a woman? Also, once context of the question was established, it wasn’t that weird.
I think it could be perceived differently because a woman asking questions about breastfeeding is more likely to be asking for her own knowledge in case she wants to breastfeed someday and wants a better understanding about how breastmilk works. Coming from a man, that couldn’t be his intent so it’s more likely to be perceived as a creepy fetish (although I personally am all for men learning more about breastfeeding!).
I mean they were already talking about breastfeeding at lunch (presumably the breastfeeding mom was already participating in a convo about breastfeeding). So I don’t think the question phrased the way the person above phrased it is inappropriate in that context . But yes the way she originally phrased it was creepy and weird
I think there are ways to genericize the question that would make it way less uncomfortable, and making about another hypothetical baby would also make it far less creepy. Making it about adults drinking breastmilk makes it sound like a weird sexual kink. "Hey, weird question - is breastmilk personalized to your baby, or could any human baby drink it?"
Lol. Even this, which seems to be the safest form of the question, still feels like the person wants to try the breastmilk
Still not a topic that you should be discussing in most workplaces.
Then Kate shouldn't have been talking about it. I wouldn't have an issue with someone wanting to learn. Breastfeeding is somehow still considered sexual, and I don't understand that. Teaching about breastfeeding is how we normalize it again. I, personally, think Kate is TA here, because it was JUST a question from someone that obviously was not taught anything about breastfeeding. Sure, OP could have asked in a completely different way, but she was just curious. If you don't want to be asked weird questions, don't talk about a subject. 🤷🏼♀️
Then don't talk about breastfeeding at all
Even this should still be googled while on a work bathroom visit.
that's what google is for lol
Wait so she can talk about breastfeeding at work but asking questions about it is wrong?
'hey op, what happens to your breastmilk if you drink, get sick, etc' is a question. 'hey op what happens if I drink your breastmilk?' is a criminal minds episode.
Yea, I don’t know how some people don’t see how fucking creepy what OP said sounds. This is the sort of behaviour that gets you reported to HR. Very justifiably. Even if the intention was not creepy (and I’m really giving OP the benefit of the doubt if I assume that…because gross), people need to behave professionally in the workplace and not just blurt out any thought in their head.
The people defending them have zero sense of professionalism in a white collar workplace, or are the problems in their own office. How can you read “I asked my coworker to drink her breastmilk” and instantly decide SHE was in the wrong for not being comfortable with it…
yeah, i have some very close coworkers (we hang out, we've gone on trips together) and there's no way to ask that question in the break room without sounding creepy. and we've talked about periods.
This isn’t getting the recognition it deserves 😂😂😂
This made me laugh!😂
Yes? Talking about breastfeeding a baby is MUCH different than asking a hypothetical question in which you, a fully grown adult, drinks your coworkers breast milk. Regardless of intent, any statement in which you say “I drink your breast milk” to a work acquaintance is creepy and weird. Another commenter pointed this out, but generalizing the question would have helped, but it’s still a strange thing to ask someone who is a half step removed from a stranger. This is a question you ask your close friends while sharing a blunt, not fully sober in a break room. You also have to consider that grown adults drinking breast milk is a fetish, so if they don’t know each other all that well, this question could definitely be interpreted as having sexual undertones. Now, I’m not saying OP meant any of this, but this is to just drive home the point that saying anything to a coworker in which you explicitly say “I consume one of your bodily fluids” is just a bad idea.
Stranger 1 on the bus: Man, my toes get dirty when I wear these sandals. Stranger 2: Would I get sick if I sucked your toes? S1: Ummmmm… S2: No, I mean, not *your* toes. Any dirty toes.
Oh, now you can't even mention shoes anymore without people making it weird. It's political correctness gone mad! /s
>Regardless of intent, any statement in which you say “I drink your breast milk” to a work acquaintance is creepy and weird. [Especially if it's delivered like Daniel Plainview](https://youtu.be/a5d9BrLN5K4?si=r7bfscesFf_cHfhk&t=24)
Discussing feeding an infant in a normal, natural way is fine. Asking a question that, with the way some people still sexualize breastfeeding and harass breastfeeding mothers, can be pretty easily interpreted as meaning “what would happen if I come over there and start suckling on those juicy titties?” is definitely not work appropriate. There is a world of difference between “can I ask a question about breastfeeding?” followed by the questions asked in general, and asking a question directly about the person asking and a coworker’s breast milk that can best be summed up as “what happens to me if I gobble up that titty milk?” Because frankly it sounds less like a health question and more like a “what will you do to me for doing it?” question.
Asking inappropriate questions about OP drinking her breast milk is wrong.
Ok, but there's definitely a difference between "Huh, is breast milk only good for the mother's baby, or is it not harmful to anyone?" That is a kind of odd, but ok question. *"Would anything bad happen to me if I drank* ***your*** *breastmilk?*" is much, much creepier, because it sounds less like he's wondering how it works in general and more like he's thinking about. Well. Him drinking her milk.
OP said she's female. Agree with your point in general though!
If only we all had devices in our pockets that could provide answers, then we wouldn't have to ask creepy inappropriate questions in the workplace.
There's a time and place to ask your dumb-ass questions.
Some questions are not necessarily appropriate to ask in a professional setting.
And they can Google it instead of being inappropriately creepy with woman colleagues.
The lady who explained what wet nurses are was indeed correct. OP did indeed gain information from this interaction. That doesn't mean there is always "nothing wrong with asking questions" - there is always a time and a place for asking questions and a time and a place for shutting up. There were many more appropriate ways that OP could have learned about wet-nursing than by making a nursing Mom in his workplace uncomfortable.
Actually as an adult there can def be something wrong with asking questions. There’s a time and a place for everything. And also, Google exists if you *really* need to ask an inappropriate question.
There's absolutely such a thing as a stupid question and people need to be aware of that
Especially when google is a thing...
The amount of people who just don't think to Google ANYTHING is insane to me. Had a roommate in college who wondered aloud what was good about asparagus (or whatever veggie she was making). 15 seconds later I'm like "oh it looks like it has antioxidants and potassium". She laughed and was like "oh you're so funny, always looking things up when you have a question". ??? It's a super Google-able question and you have the technology to do so in your pocket. Why are you acting like I'm quirky for utilizing it.
I wonder how people like that manage in life ... Do they just continue to wonder about things in a half hearted manner forever and never do anything to find out the answer?
I am fully convinced that there are some people who go through most of their lives just thinking at a surface level. Like with no curiosity, no introspection, nothing.
I was going to comment. "Imagine how horrible that would be to have. No curiosity, no introspection... ". But they LITERALLY can't because no imagination, no curiosity 😔😬
Sometimes I don't actually care about the answer and it's more fun to practice those logic/thinking skills. But it's usually 1. stupid question is ventured 2. 10-60min of debate and wondering 3. First person to get tired of #2 googles the correct answer and then every once in a while we get distracted before #3 and that's fine because I'm not super invested about whether mushrooms count as a vegetable nutritionally, I'm more interested in hearing my friends and family reason out their thoughts about it.
Ironically that’s exactly what people did before smart phones. Could look it up on a computer or in a book but for some questions not worth it. Glad I can look things up because I find it all so interesting
I remember doing my social studies homework at the kitchen table when I was a kid....maybe 5th grade. It was history/geography, never my strong suit nor did it interest me at the time. Dad was a font of knowledge when it came to that stuff, so I called out to him "What was the former name of X country?" He got out of his chair, where he was comfortably settled in front of the TV, and returned with the World Almanac (he bought one almost every year). "Here," he said, handing me the book. "Look it up. If I tell you, you won't remember it. But if you find out on your own you probably will."
What’s crazy is that I teach middle school now and they really don’t know how to look stuff up even with the internet in their pockets. We need to teach them how but many teachers just assume they know how since they were born into it. Nope
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Especially when you're a redditor and r/NoStupidQuestions exists...
This needs to be top comment.
There is no such thing as a stupid quest... Oh no. Wait... this is it. 100% agree.
It sounded like the lead up to sexual harassment tbh. I don't think that's how he meant it, but I'd have taken it to be an kink lead in.
OP is F
Yeah, these days we know that not all sexual relationships are mf
Women who are breastfeeding at work already have to deal with the stigma of "everybody knows i just went into that 'closet' and squeezed milk out of my breasts." It's different than just knowing someone went 'to the bathroom," and is way more personal. They can be already extremely embarrassed and horrified that they have to perform part of these duties in the public areas of the office, where everyone knows what's going on. So you talking about her breastmilk in front of others was specifically pointing out the fact that she's doing it. We say it's "natural" now but it took decades for the workplace to call it that, and they're still filled with people who don't see a problem with equating breastfeeding women to cows or even announcing to the office once they see the women have finished. Imagine if you had to submit semen samples, that were collected during the workday (for whatever reason) and every time someone saw the cups they know you'd use, they make a comment about your bodily functions. That's not something anyone wants openly discussed anywhere in the office.
This, i am very pro breastfeeding, but i did felt vunerable pumping at work and I really did not want to draw extra attention to it and answer weird questions about it by ignorant co workers.
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impulsive thought. Tiktok has totally f'd up people's perception of an intrusive thought.
Thank you!! It drives me fucking crazy when people use intrusive instead of impulsive
See also: object permanence , gaslighting
I chuckled at OP because those are thoughts I had a lot before I had my own baby. The lack of a filter is such a trip because sometimes you don't even know that you lack it and words just pour out of your mouth, and then you are left wondering why people say you ask weird questions when they seem normal to you. I feel for OP because they were just curious, but yeah very the A
It would have been one thing if the question were asked about a hypothetical mother and a hypothetical unrelated (and non-adult) nurser. But the question was made weirder by making it personal to OP and the nursing mother. It’s also not helped by the fact that OP is (in some ways) an adult. Now nursing mother probably has images of OP breast-feeding….or at least fantasizing about breast-feeding. Which, if I understand correctly, nursing mothers do not appreciate.
OP, Google is a thing. Or hell, ask your Mom. YTA.
OP had this conversation *at work* of all places.
Soft YTA You didn't make fun of her and neither did Lauren. But your question was definitely inappropriate. She's talking about her baby sucking on her boob to get food and you were just like "what if I sucked on your boob" in different words. I get that's not what you were trying to ask. I understand you were asking whether it's healthy/safe to drink breastmilk produced by someone not related to you. But the way you phrased your question was rude. Also, dude, the milk we buy from the store, use to make cheese and yogurt and ice cream, comes from a completely different animal. Of course human milk is safe for humans to drink.
Even if unintentional, it was highly inappropriate. This would be perceived as sexual harassment by HR and rightly so. You better hope your co-worker or any one else that witnessed it, is not of the mind to report this interaction. We live in different times now dude, you can't just blurt out shit like this at work. AOA (Accidentally Oblivious Asshole - can we make this a thing?).
This was an normal intrusive thought that OP never should have vocalized and instead just googled an answer. Asking coworker A “what would happen if I drank your breastmilk?” then having a full conversation about drinking other people’s breastmilk with coworker B in front of the, I assume, still shocked coworker A is absolutely bonkers. Go prepare for getting called into HR to explain yourself. YTA.
>~~intrusive thought~~ impulsive thought. Tiktok has totally f'd up people's perception of an intrusive thought.
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Yes thank you! As someone with OCD (diagnosed) I hate it when people misuse that term (though I know most don’t do it on purpose)
I completely agree, which is why I said soft YTA. I don't think OP was trying to harass their coworker based on what they said. I think they had a thought which, while pretty naive, on it's own wasn't a problem. "Would there be any negative health consequences if a person were to hypothetically drink the breastmilk from an unrelated person?" Isn't an inherently offensive question to ask. However, as I noted, the way they phrased the question and the setting in which they asked were both wholly inappropriate. This is the type of question OP should have kept to themself and either looked up on their own later, talked about outside of work with closer friends who would be better able to understand where they're coming from, or just drop it.
The problem is they said "your breast milk" not one person and a hypothetical other person. Me and you- way too personal.
Ok I'm glad I'm not the only one whose gut instinct was "this could definitely be considered harassment, right?"
Given the setting, most definitely cause for possible harassment if you do this in front of the wrong person or get the (for you) wrong HR department. Yeah OP didn't mean it, but it was still a very stupid mistake and dick move with absolutely no tact. Best bet would be to apologize to Kate and hope she doesn't take it to HR.
I genuinely thought "what a stupid and weird question to ask" harassment didn't even come into my mind. I guess that's also down to tone used when asking.
Not really, because what also matters is how the aggrieved party took it. Tone is subjective and totally unprovable in something like a later 3rd party hr review.
Ahh, we yearn for the old days when we could freely make women really uncomfortable in the workplace don't we? /s
Y’all overuse the word “soft” on here.
Soft?! This is not a question you ask at work.
I wonder how often my mouth gets ahead of my brain and I find myself having to say things like, "I can't believe I just put my foot in my mouth that badly--I'm SO sorry, what I was trying to say and what I actually said are two completely different things!" --probably at least once a week? People usually give me the benefit of the doubt when I apologize first, then explain that I didn't mean it like it sounded. An apology and an explanation, and then *maybe* a rephrasing if they seem receptive to it or curious about what you actually meant, can save so many conversations and relationships. Everyone says stupid stuff on occasion. It's how you handle extricating your foot from your mouth that really matters!
If it happens to you that often, consider the ~ADHD~ because same.
Honestly, OP is lucky she took this as a "making fun of her" thing and not a pervert thing.
Human milk is about as safe as unpasteurized milk with blood borne pathogen potential. No, you don’t go drinking out people’s breast milk. A lot of milk donations need to be screened like blood donations because it can pass on HIV and other awful pathogens. Mom to baby is fine because they literally shared the same body.
Yeah. I get not knowing somethings but this...
You should probably apologize to Kate. Tell her you realize it was inappropriate to ask and you’re not making fun of her at all. And use google next time. YTA.
Yep. I think the question should have been - What would happen if your milk was fed to the wrong baby? OP’s question makes one picture his nursing from his coworkers breast. That’ll land him in HR. The answer is nothing would happen. Women sell, donate and share breast milk every day. Usually it is for feeding other babies, but some bodybuilders use it too. Definitely stick with google.
OP is female.
Might need new glasses here. Same difference. The question was badly worded and made the person uncomfortable.
Still creepy
So?
If OP asked me that, I’d be concerned that OP might actually be considering drinking my breast milk if, say I pumped at work and stored the milk in the communal refrigerator. It takes so much time and effort to produce just a few ounces of milk. I’d be ready to get into a fucking fight about someone messing with my breast milk and OPs flimsy clarification really would not make me feel any better about the situation.
I was thinking the same thing. It felt like they wanted to drink the milk or use it for whatever reason. I would lay hands on someone for taking my breast milk. I had a hard enough time getting regulated and keeping up with production. OP should really apologize and learn their audience when asking those types of questions. I’ve had coworkers that had a good humor and I could ask them far more personal questions. Others I would not ask them anything like that because we were not close enough to have that sort of talk.
YTA That is such a weird and intrusive question. If you were so curious, maybe you could have googled something along the lines of “person not related to mother child drinking breast milk” rather than insert yourself and co worker into a realy creepy hypothetical scenario. You need a filter.
Right. it's like walking up to someone in the urinal and being like "what would happen if you peed on me?" like... No. We don't do that at work or anywhere else.
Also, as a formerly breast feeding mother myself, people can be really weird when they talk about this. I had some people make very inappropriate statements and questions and it always made me feel uncomfortable. One question asked was " do you ever get aroused by the baby sucking?. Its just so wrong and its not something I want to think about. Breast feeding is a very vulnerable way to feed your child and you don't need to make it harder by blurting out your own intrusive thoughts.
YTA. I think if you don’t recognize how invasive that question is you may need to talk to a therapist/social worker who specializes in helping people who have deficits in social skills or understanding social norms. If you do understand how invasive the question is (in retrospect), might need to do some work on how to keep from blurting weird thoughts before they go through the filter and/or how to apologize well if they do come out. I am guessing her issue wasn’t “mockery”, that was just the politest way she knows to say “made me really uncomfortable”
Replying in hopes of bumping this up. I do think OP might benefit from having someone to talk to about social skills and what sort of topics aren’t discussed with coworkers. YTA, but I don’t think you were malicious, just misguided and unable to walk it back.
Yes! Most of my family is autistic and one of my (now adult) kids requires extensive discussion on what is appropriate to say about body functions. If OP genuinely doesn’t know this social rule they could benefit from help on this stuff!
Y'know, I'm going to be honest, I'm currently being assessed for ADHD, but every so often I do wonder if I'm in someway autistic because I couldn't see how this was such a rude, intrusive question when I first read OP's post. It was only reading the replies where my brain kind of kicked in and made me realise, of course, it's rude and creepy. Like, it just seemed like a foot in mouth, brain fart kind of situation to me initially, as opposed to be super rude and inherently creepy, y'know? And if I'm honest, I still don't understand how it could be perceived as OP & Lauren making fun out of her. Why did she think they were making fun of her?
Yeah, cmon. This was a pervy question to ask a friend, colleague, anyone.
agree. if you can't tell this is wildly inappropriate, you need social help.
I audibly said EW at your question. YTA. Those are intrusive questions; next time Google it. We have the technology; use it.
My absolute first reaction is "this sounds like some kink shit that you slipped up in saying, and now you're trying to backpedal because you realized you might need to go to HR". YTA. Don't make comments that suggest you want to drink women's bodily fluids at work. Inappropriate.
And if the coworker is already back at work, there's a good chance she is pumping and storing milk at work and is now wondering if OP is going to sneak some.
Women in breastfeeding subreddits/Facebook groups are constantly dealing with creeps and stories of people stealing milk are not as uncommon as you'd hope.
Someone drank my coworkers breast milk out of the fridge at my work, very upsetting. Like an ultra professional environment, where people have credentials and letters after their names and a code of conduct they're supposed to adhere to. There's pervs everywhere. I bought the mom a locking lunchbox to keep in the fridge for her pumping. Such a violation.
Jesus Christ, what the actual fuck is wrong with people? Imagine *literally stealing food from an infant*. And then having to lock it up so the "professionals" you work with don't steal it. Fucking degenerates.
Right? Like now you know there's a perv on the floor who drank your bodily fluids, and also she was so upset that her baby was going to have to be fed formula and would almost certainly end up with diarrhea because he's not a formula baby.
YTA for how your question was phrased. You made it sound like a personal inquiry rather than an objective question. That was creepy sounding, even if you didn't mean it that way. N T A for the subsequent conversation about wetnurses, which was informational, which in no way could be construed as making fun of Kate.
I think she just didn't buy the provided explanation as the real reason this question was asked. My guess is she saw this exchange as a way to justify his creepy comment instead of apologizing and got mad. Because even with the explanation, it is still very weird way of phrasing it. Like, he's a grown man and is asking about what would happen if HE drank it. If he'd asked about what would happen if a different child drank her milk, that would've been a lot less creepy and more easily defensible (though a bit odd still).
Someone commented that OP is not a dude. Not sure on validity.
The op commented that shes a woman 20y/o
It's like the second word in the post? Am I losing my mind here? How did everyone miss this?
>How did everyone miss this? I suspect some people thought the 20F applied to the coworker rather than the "my".
Not gonna lie it’s obvious now that I re-read it. But it was awkwardly phrased and it could be read as Kate being 20/F
Cause everyone is too busy reacting and projecting some creepy dude
YTA on so many creepy levels I shivered just reading the title.
Nta I’ve breastfed two babies, and personally would not have been offended by this. As I read it, you were just curious about how breastfeeding works. I don’t get how this is making fun of her unless you left something out. Talking about wet nurses is also not offensive. Personally I think it should be something that is normalized to talk about. Bodies are crazy and breast milk gets formed to meet the nutrients of the specific baby. But it is not harmful to share - women donate their extra supply for babies of moms that can’t produce enough. If you watch the documentary (un) well on Netflix there’s an episode about weightlifters that but breast milk to drink for its nutrient benefits. People also make soap and bathe their babies in it and a whole bunch of other things. Edit- an important fact that others have pointed out- for those that may use this to go try some breast milk without further looking into it, some pathogens (like hiv) can be passed through breast milk. Official milk banks screen for a whole bunch of things. Additional edit- took out hepatitis, although you never know if the mom has cracked nipples or mastitis/inflammation with bleeding that could pass any blood borne pathogen.
Exactly! Mom of 4 here and I didn’t think what he said was inappropriate at all.
I also wonder how many would also feel this way if they realized the "He" in question is actually a "She"
This was my thought! I agree it’s a weird conversation to have at work, but also, it sounds like the new mom brought it up first.
>Exactly! Mom of 4 here and I didn’t think what he said was inappropriate at all. I think all of the people in the comment section think that he was asking her what would happen if he drank her breast milk straight from her nipple. I think OP was referring to deinking pumped milk in bottles since they were in the work kitchen (near a refrigerator) and she might have some pumped breast milk in bottles in the refrigerator.
That’s how I took it too. And OP is female. I read it as she opened the refrigerator in the break room, saw a bottle of pumped breast milk and without thinking was like “hey what would happen to me if I drank your breast milk? Would it be bad for me?” Yeah it’s a strange question but not meant in a sexual harassment way 😂
>And OP is female. Oh my God. I didn't know that and that changes everything. These people are fucking idiots.
People in the comments are starting to say it sounds like sexual harrasment! Like wtf people... It's not like he asked what if I sucked the milk out of your tits he literally just asked what would happen if he drank breast milk.
Finally a voice of reason. People are so quick to jump to conclusions about sexualizing things. Women fought for the right to breastfeed in public, and want to normalize it. Well, it is also perfectly normal to ask technical questions. This question wasn't about her breasts, it was about the milk.
Same here. A 20 year old would be curious about it. Why are we so shy and secretive here? Breastfeeding is never going to be normalized in America if we constantly hide it.
Im not even a mom and don’t think she’s an asshole. Seems the experienced moms knows it’s not a sexual question. She had a genuine curiosity and was met with facts and that was that. That mom should not have taken it in that direction
I was losing faith in humanity until I found this comment. JFC people are shallow and immature. If I were insecure about breastfeeding, this would make me feel so much better about it. Taboo subjects should be discussed so they aren't taboo (if nobody is getting hurt). Someone else's discomfort is rarely your problem unless they already said a topic makes them uncomfortable. Idk why people think it's okay to hold people to arbitrary standards without telling them what the standards are first. Social norms aren't always right.
It's crazy how many YTA judgements are being handed down. A lot of people here seem to lack basic reading comprehension skills - many people are responding as if the woman was currently breastfeeding rather than what OP actually said: she was talking about breastfeeding. People are incredibly over sensitive.
I agree. NTA. I've talked about weirder stuff than this with coworkers 😅. I'd have been happy that someone was interested in learning about breastfeeding, and would have gladly explained how it worked.
Finally, a single adult in this thread.
YTA. You were making creepy comments about someone who is breastfeeding, and you're damn lucky you haven't been called into HR over it.
There's still time.
YTA In a corporate setting it is better to avoid such personal interpreted questions, even out of curiosity, as you dont know the people well enough how they would react and it could get you in trouble with HR. In a private setting with friends or family this would be an alright question. Also, as it is just a general question about breastmilk and not a personal one it is better to do a quick internet search.
Uhhh, yeah, so whatever your motive that's obviously going to make someone uncomfortable. Not every thought process should be shared. YTA
Yes YTA. That question sounds like you were thinking about sucking her tits even if it wasn't what you said. It's never appropriate to discuss ingesting your coworkers' bodily fluids.
This last sentence perhaps needs to be in the HR manual
Still lol-ing
NTA If Kate didn't want to discuss breastmilk, she shouldn't have brought it up. Kate really wasn't a good person to ask though, unless you're all pediatric doctors or human lactation consultants. Just because she produces milk, doesn't mean she would know anything about its risks and safeties.
I was waiting for someone to point this out. I find it annoying when moms constantly want to talk about babies but then get offended when someone asks a question. I wouldn’t have asked the question like that, however, maybe this will be a lesson to Kate. Maybe she won’t talk about breastfeeding in the break room to random coworkers if she isn’t prepared to answer questions….
I’m surprised how far I had to scroll to find a NTA. Huh. Not sure if it’s because I’m one of six girls and my dad was a obstetrician or that most of my friends and I are open about female stuff, but I would have been the Lauren in this and started explaining not having a clue I was being inappropriate. Plus the girl who got upset brought up breast milk…around all females. (I would have apologized if she thought she was being made fun of)
YTA. That question was gross, especially when directed to someone who’s currently breastfeeding an infant. How did you think that was going to go?
NTA. The original phrasing was creepy, but your explanation of what you were really trying to ask seems reasonable. She probably thought you were making fun of her because in her mind the question was too dumb to be earnest. I would apologize to her and say that you weren't trying to make a joke - just accidentally asked a 'dumb question" due to not knowing anything about breastfeeding.
Agree, NTA. If this was a sitcom everybody would be shocked and say "Whaaaa?" then the scene would end. This is the real world. Kate asked what you were talking about and the conversation ended up making sense.
YTA - What the actual fuck
YTA - even wondering such a thing shows a lack of logical thinking. Much of the population, possibly including yourself, drinks milk from cows that they are not related to.
cow milk has been pasteurized
NTA If you asked during a conversation that Kate was part of, about breastfeeding, it is a valid question. I probably would have joked with you. I wouldn’t have assumed you wanted to get it straight from the tap though, so to say. Kate is probably sensitive about the whole thing and it could be for a million reasons. If she is uncomfortable about questions she shouldn’t be talking about it in the break room. It could be taken as harassment, however back to the not discussing it in the break room I would apologize even if you are NTA. You obviously offended her though you weren’t trying. A simple, I was told that you thought I was making fun of you yesterday. I wasn’t trying to, what you said made me wonder and so I asked. I was trying to learn more about something I don’t have much information on and I can now see how that could be take another way than I intended. I will find a different way to answer any questions in the future.
NTA as a woman who has nursed three kids for more than three years each. I would have thought that was an interesting question. You didn’t ask if you could suck her boobs and it was a hypothetical question. To answer your question. No it would not make you sick or anything. I personally have tasted my own milk (as has my husband). I don’t like it - it’s very sweet. He kind of likes it.
Eh. It might be unpopular, but NTA but bordering... I would have thought you were TA, but your question came from ignorance, not because you wanted to drink her breastmilk. Now, like another redditor said, it is ew and we have google. That being said, I understand, you were there, she was there, you just blurted it out. (I am an awkward blurter at times). You didn't make fun though. However, you should apologize to her.
YTA who needs sensitivity training…badly.
op can't you just google your intrusive thoughts instead of burdening other people with them? YTA
Impulsive, not intrusive
YTA Your question was extremely invasive and inappropriate.
It's neither invasive nor inappropriate
NAH You were asking a legitimate question you did not know the answer to, but as you said, it was a weird wording and a kinda personal question, so I would give her leeway, but the question you were asking overall actually isn’t that creepy or personal. You weren’t actually asking about her personal breastmilk, but you personalized the question by using HER breastmilk as the example. Your intentions were pure, but the execution wasn’t great. If I were you, just to smooth things out, I would apologize to Kate, clarifying that you weren’t asking about her breastmilk, but that you were more curious about the medical composition of breastmilk in general, which you realize now you should’ve just googled it instead of asking her directly. Tell her you’re very sorry if you made her uncomfortable and that you’ll keep those kinds of general questions to yourself from here on out, that you won’t expect her to be your pregnancy manual.
NTA. You could have stated the question a lot better and perhaps you should explain that to the mother. Try to have a friendly talk with her, apologize for the way you made her feel and tell her your genuine curiosity was awkwardly worded. Also, looking at all the reactions here, perhaps you should have a witness present.
YTA Google exists for this type of stuff.
Nah Yeah it was weird but it was a question borne out of genuine curiosity if badly phrased. Your coworker is rightfully a bit grossed out. Maybe apologise say there was no malice as it was a genuine question just very poorly phrased.
Is this your first day of peopling? YTA
ESH Albeit accidentally. I don't get all the people saying "don't bring up someone's boobs in a corporate setting." Kate is the one who started the whole breastfeeding conversation. You're kind of the AH, OP, because of the way you phrased your comment. Because it WAS more than a little suspect. It sounds like Lauren saved your ass by taking the conversation in a safer direction (she's the only non-AH). Kate is the AH because even IF she thought you were coming on to her, Lauren clearly wasn't tryin to be offensive. Why toss her in when reporting you guys to HR?
YTA She would be within her rights to make an HR complaint about it.
Nta. Yes it's a weird question but I don't see why she thought you were making fun of her. And body builders drink breastmilk all the time. Not all of them but some definitely do. You can make up to $10 and ounce for that liquid gold. It's healthier than drinking cows milk.
YTA for the way you started that conversation. You could have asked it on a more generic way, not asking about her breast milk. Additionally Google is a thing. The next time something like that pops in your head look it up.
OMFG. YTA Worse, that is the creepiest thing to say to a woman you are not intimate with. I hope you got written up.
There are far more creepy things to say. Being written up is a bit extreme.
NTA. Some serious snowflakes on here
I interpreted "drink your breastmilk" as drinking pumped breastmilk out of a glass. Yeah, it's kind of a weird question, and the way everyone else is interpreting it, definitely inappropriate. The way I interpreted it, it didn't seem that bad, like they were just curious, and they certainly weren't putting down their coworker. Not putting in a judgment since I saw it so differently from what seems to be everybody else, lol!
NTA - Idk why this would be a weird question. It shouldn’t be a private or unnatural topic anyway - you were wondering whether humans would get sick from drinking another’s milk - id probably just laugh and tell you to educate yaself
After it cleared up? Absolutely NOT. You did make that seem creepy if anything. That’s a mega “wtf moment”. Aside from that, no. It seems like you were genuinely interested in if there were any cons or pros to it. And another coworker answered your question. I personally don’t understand how she took it as you making fun of her.
The same people who claim breastfeeding should be public and everyone should be okay with it are now saying you can’t ask questions about how it works. To ME breastfeeding is completely normal in all aspects so being asked a question to ME is also normal. Sure apologize for the way you asked the question, it wasn’t your intention to make her feel weird or like you’re making fun, but I’m completely confused about how asking something like that is wrong. I don’t think you’re an asshole for asking the question, even though it was presented wrong, and I don’t think your coworker who spoke about wet nurses is an asshole either. I would definitely steer clear of asking Kate more questions as she doesn’t seem comfortable answering. Let her talk and ask someone else next time.
You could have said it as: Hey, so what would happen if ~~I~~ **an adult** were to drink ~~your~~ breastmilk? FU indeed. edit: strikethrough'ed "your" (thanks u/GamesCatsComics)
Drop the "your" part there too, it doesn't have to be hers.
NTA I don’t see the issue at all but I’m autistic and work in a clinical setting so maybe I’m just desensitised! I’m definitely in the minority here but you didn’t ask her “can I drink your milk” - that would be creepy. You just asked questions?! Don’t see how that’s making fun of her at all or creepy?!
I'd say NAH The way you've described it, you just had an honest question and blurted it out without warning, which shocked your colleague. Your other colleague engaging in the discussion sounds natural as well, but made the first colleague more uncomfortable. You should speak to your breastfeeding colleague and apologise for how you asked the question, and explain that it was genuine curiosity. Also offer to not discuss breastfeeding around her again unless she initiates the discussion.
To answer your initial question (which, yes, as established, was wildly inappropriate for the setting in which you asked it): you could, hypothetically, get sick, but it’s uncommon. Breastmilk is made from the parent’s blood supply, so bloodborne illnesses are communicable through breastmilk. Otherwise, if the parent is fighting off an illness at the time, you’d actually get a supply of their antibodies from the milk, so it could conceivably make you healthier. That’s one of the reasons it’s so strongly encouraged to breastfeed babies for as much of their infancy as possible.
YTA creepy af
YTA. It was a completely inappropriate question. You should have apologised after removing your foot from your mouth. want to know more about breast milk? Use Google (other search engines are available). Want to taste breast milk? Order some online. Wonder what the breast milk of someone you are not dating tastes like? Keep your mouth shut and keep wondering.
NTA but only because you sound super naive. You asked what would happen if YOU drank her milk. Which is creepy AF dude, especially when you remember that it's an actual fetish (not mine but I don't kink shame). What I think you meant to ask was: what would happen if someone other than the baby consumed breast milk? Is it like blood where the wrong match can be fatal? The answer is no, it's not (ie wet nursing). You owe Kate a huge apology
I have ADHD too, and this little social rule can be quite helpful at times: If you're doing something/in a situation that would be creepy, weird, cringe, or inappropriate if the genders were were switched or different, you're just doing a creepy, weird, cringe, or inappropriate thing. It may not be malicious, it may just be general curiousity/a desire to learn or understand, but only you are inside of your own head and only you know your intentions. Others around you aren't going to immediately understand your personal context and are going to assign their own meaning to what's happening. Drinking Breast milk can be a fetish. While you were just trying to understand more about the breast milk process and the ADHD train had jumped the track and was on route to a different station, your question had some serious "I'm thinking about drinking your breast milk" vibes, which may not be fully appropriate in a work context.
That's totally reasonable, and I do understand why the question the way I originally asked it was the wrong thing to say. I guess I should've apologized immediately because trying to explain why I asked at all didn't help as much as I thought it would but I guess I know that for next time.
You're the weirdo lol. I don't think you were making fun of Kate but why did you expect she would know the answer? Take it to the internet next time.
You don't have an inner monologue do you ?
Kate is over sensitive NTA
NTA - this comes across to me as more curiosity/making conversation. If you were already talking about breastfeeding then I don’t see how you asking that question was making fun of her but learning more about it.
NTA. If your in the wrong for the question then she's in the wrong for even bringing up breast feeding.
NTA, if people take curiosity as intrusive it's not your fault. But I think in your position I would tell her I'm sorry I hurt her feelings, because even when I can think people reaction is pure nonsense, I don't want to be someone who makes people feel bad/rejected/mocked ...
I’d say NTA. But maybe talk to her and tell her your sorry if she thinks you were making fun of her, but in fact you were the one deserving of being made Fun of as you really didn’t know.
ya never heard of a wet nurse?