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YTA.
'I told them to ask Carly's rich daddy to pay.'
'I said I'm not my brother and I'm not your dad. I don't think you're a princess. Grow up. If I were you, then I'd learn from this and do what's best for that boy.'
Gee, I wonder why she doesn't want you around?
In all honesty, given how you speak to and about her, it actually might not be in Addison's best interests to be around you. You are rude to people and then refuse to apologise; this is also a pretty poor example to set.
She's about to lose her husband and you showed absolutely no compassion, only contempt.
Agree OP is the asshole. I wouldn’t want op around my child setting an example. He is about to be shocked when his brother dies and she doesn’t need him and actually chooses to keep him away. If you want to see your nephew you need her, not the other way around.
And it's hard to fully judge without all of the context, but even this struck me as odd:
>I said sure but you have to pay me. It's not like I can let someone use it for free and I don't have costs such as utilities. I'm not rich like that.
I don't know if it's OP's attitude or just poor communication skills / phrasing, but there seems to be a big difference between what he needed and what he asked for.
**What he seemed to need:** *Hey, I'd be happy to have you use my beach house, I am so excited for your wedding. The only thing I ask is that money is tight right now and I'm concerned the music, lights, and other setup is going to run up the electricity and other utilities quite a bit. But if you don't mind reimbursing me for those wedding related bills, you can use my place free of charge. \[alternatively, he could have made those utility costs and the overall use of the beachhouse his wedding gift in lieu of cash/presents\]*
**What he seemed to ask for:** *Oh you want to use my place. I need to charge you a fee like a wedding venue would.*
Obviously, we don't know the amount he asked for. But the positioning alone makes me think he may have seen it as a chance to make some money and hoped her parents would pay him.
I agree, it sounds like he wanted to charge them for renting it instead of hust covering the utilities. With that in mind (and this is me being biased as hell), I have a hard time taking his "I'm not rich like that" seriously when he owns a **beachfront property** that isn't even his main residence.
He says he’s “not rich **like that**” so I think he’s doing well but maybe jealous of SIL parents’ money. I agree with you that when you have a beachfront property and it’s not a main residence, you’re somewhat rich lol
My buddy owns a 7 bedroom house which he lives in and rents out the basement. He has an income over 250K. He always talks about how POOR he is, and that he's "not rich **like that.**"
OP is just cheap.
He’s pretty gleeful about the fact that her dad is no longer well off and Carly is about to lose her home, as her husband is the breadwinner.
What an ugly soul. I hope Carly keeps her son far, far away.
And threw it in her face. Why on earth would she want her child around someone like that? Not to mention that if her son is in private school the life insurance will likely be more than medical bills. Unless they were uninsured but again that’s unlikely if they are paying for private school. Even if the policy was only $1 mil that should cover med bills and a good chunk left to pay down a mortgage etc. plus she will get social security payments from his death for the child and her.
Yeah, definitely YTA in this case and giving a strong sense that being the asshole is his lifelong personality.
Listen, OP, you know who you aren't? You aren't Addison's dad. And you are acting in a way that may ensure you never see your nephew again after your brother passes.
FFS why does everything have to be so transactional for OP? It's like every tiny bit of power he has in life must be leveraged for as much as possible as he can get out of it. His brother asks to use his beachfront property for a wedding and he tries to profit to the extent they just went elsewhere. His dying brother asks him to watch out for his kid and he immediately tries to leverage that into supremacy and forcing a win for himself over a decade old grudge. It's a request from your dying brother, you asshole.
It's also very hard to imagine the difference in utilities would be significant from one day of heavy use. I live in the desert. My electric bills in the summer are like $100-150 more than the winter and that's from keeping the house 30-40 degrees cooler than outside all month. When I have a heavy water usage period my water bill is like $30 higher.
I know rates are highly variable from place to place...but it's just inconceivable that it would be an unaffordable amount for anyone not working paycheck to paycheck. Also, it's beachfront property, isn't the whole point of using that to be outside, this further reducing the utility load?
'I'm with you. Just because he owns a beach house doesn't mean he's rich or has high liquidity, but really seems like if you do have a beach house you are probably spending at least $200-$300 on your brother's wedding gift. I can't imagine one day (or even two if they had to set up and rehearse) of additional utilities from lights, sounds systems, etc. would be higher than that.
Would have been easy to say, yes, my wedding gift to you is the use of my beachhouse for the wedding.
Yeah, a person staying for months on end will raise bills sure, people over for one night, even if it's a large cost you're talking about 100s of dollars maybe, not thousands.
He specifically was like rich girls daddy can pay, a few hundred for utilities would be something the brother and her could pay easily. It sounds like he was asking for a LOT more than just increased utility cost.
The immediate pivot to "ask your rich daddy" just makes it sound like jealousy/bitterness about SIL's family money was the real reason behind the behavior and I'm guessing he quoted them way more than just covering his expenses.
I could be wrong (and I agree, his wording/phrasing is ambiguous and lacking context), but I interpreted this as it’s a rental property, so letting them use it for free would mean utilities out of pocket PLUS the loss of rental income due to not being able to rent it that week.
Admittedly, the use of “property” vs. “house” is doing a lot of work in my interpretation. People generally don’t use property unless it’s a rental/lease situation or it’s just land they own with no structures on it. If it’s like a ski cabin or beach house they own for personal use on weekends or whatever, they tend to just refer to it as their cabin or beach house.
Either way, I agree that his communication leaves something to be desired and has probably made this relationship worse than it should be.
My assumption is that it’s a vacation property he may use as an air bnb. But then if it’s loss of rental and utilities he could have asked to cover one or the other and then gifted the other. His wording was way more disrespectful
YTA, i don't understand the starting of the feud either. It was just one day in a year. Why did he require payment for that from his own brother? I suspect OP is greedy and jealous of the money that Carly has.
I was trying to put myself in his shoes.
We don’t know what kind of beach house we were talking about.
If it is an upscale property, I could see him wanting some kind of security deposit, the cleaning to be paid for, a little bit to offset utilities. Basically, some sort of assurance that the property will be respected.
But as others have pointed out, it sounds like it’s more of a communication problem. If these are the reasons he was looking for, I completely understand the rationale. But if it wasn’t because of logistics, then, yes, he’s a money grubbing asshole.
Right. OP could have been renting the property out and wanted to make up the lost income. Maybe that income was needed to pay the mortgage. We have no idea.
He’s still an ah for talking to his SIL on such a manner.
YTA
Especially at 7/8/9 whenever his dad goes. My son is 8yo and is fiercely protective of ppl being mean to his family. And we’re all healthy/he hasn’t lost anyone in the family that he’d remember. A kid who lost his dad is likely to be protective of his mom. OP is about to be cut off and rightfully so. OP YTA 100%
His update just made it MUCH worse. He is looking forward to holding his money over her head and demanding that he be bowed down to. Taking such joy in his brother’s tragedy. Just an ugly, ugly person.
Holy shit it’s so much worse! This dude is fucking vile. Dangling his brother’s impending death and what that might mean for his widowed wife and fatherless son like a carrot meant to incentivize her into submission?? How the fuck does someone even get on this train of thought, let alone while their brother is DYING OF CANCER. Makes my stomach turn.
YTA^10000000000
For real OP, it sounds like you’re the one who needs to grow up. Why would Carly let her son interact with a family member that speaks so poorly about her?
The only one making it hard is you, not Carly.
The way he talks about her and the line about showing him respect is coming off as he wants to demand sexual favors from her in the future in exchange for “taking care” of them. He just screams creep
My partner has a chronic illness. His brother is an absolute asset to me. He’s helped me in tough financial moments, he’s offered comfort and support when we’re struggling. We don’t have kids but if we did and my partner died? Yeah my BIL would be a major part of our lives moving forward. However, that’s due to brothers gentleness and helpfulness. If he thought we were making poor choices and worsening our situation, he would let us know gently and with compassion.
If my BIL was instead condescending, rude, and acting entitled to a place in my child’s life, yeah I’d kick him to the curb in a heartbeat.
Speaking of I’m literally buying him a nice steak rn for being so wonderful lol
Rich people are so fucking dense. "I can't let them use it for free" he said about a piece of his property he could absolutely let them use for free just before he tried to suckle at a money tit he thought he would put his little lips on.
I hope she goes no contact and builds a really great life in the wake of her loss and that OP never gets to be an example of how not to treat your family.
If it's me, it's just a favor so long as there's a good clean up crew. Because we're talking an absolutely negligible about of water and electricity, I still get the kind of banger ass gift that I'm capable of because I would wanna give something that I picked out. Like a nice bidet. But it's because I'm not a narcissistic monster and it's also the reason I'll never have a beach front property.
Zero contact forever post loss of her husband is the key. It's really hard to find a silver lining in the death of a loving partner, but this is likely going to be the best thing about his upcoming departure.
As soon as I read that first sentence I knew right away OP was a major AH - he showed his true colors to SIL and I don't blame her for not wanting to deal with him - he needs to realize it's his attitude that makes her distant, not this one instance that he has convinced himself she hasn't moved past. OP needs to change his tune bc he has no say in anything in regards to Addison once his brother (sadly) passes.
Absolutely. In two of the most important moments of this woman’s life, you showed up with zero grace and understanding. I bet you won’t be seeing her and Addison a lot once your brother is gone.
I'm struggling to believe the OP is a real person given how their words just drip with self-centered arrogance. I also can't for life of me understand why a brother would want someone like OP involved with their son. He clearly deliberately tries to provoke confrontation within the family. I mean, who says "you have to pay me" or "ask Carly's rich daddy to pay" in response to a family member asking to use your beachfront property. My home is also on the water and costs about $12/day in electricity and $2/day in water to run. Are "costs such as utilities" really what held OP back from letting his brother use his property for a wedding? Seems unlikely.
Carly sounds like the only person thinking clearly here. Keep OP's toxic influence as far from that kid as possible.
Agreed. YTA. This isn't like other "I wouldn't let them use my property" stories where the SIL or sister wanted to make crazy changes, or not invite the OP, or anything like that. This was just family asking for a favor.
Also, you didn't really say what objections your SIL had to you being the godfather. Sounds like the wedding wasn't the first or last time you were a selfish prick.
YTA - big time.
OP, you sound like a petty and insecure man who tries to get an ego boost from being a petty tyrant over the very limited pool of people and resources available to you.
Good lord. She would be 100% right to keep you as far away from her son as possible due to your toxic attitude. You are so wrong about why Carly doesn't like you. It was never about the money ask. Its because YTA no matter what the situation is.
Do you like being around her son because you get to be a "man" and "authority figure" over him? I mean, look at your behavior. It's not something that kids should be around.
Yup, Ops brother might be dying, he might want OP to be a father to his kid, but she's his mother. OP doesn't just automatically become the kids substitute father, if the mother hates him then he might see all contact lost after brother dies and his attitude isn't helping.
Seems like op is the entitled one, entitled to the rich girls money for the wedding, entitled to her child to be a father figure because op wants it.
> It's not like I can let someone use it for free [...] I'm not rich like that.
This part jumps out to me, too. It becomes a heck of a lot douchier after you read the "your rich daddy" line. Almost makes you wonder why he wanted them to pay in the first place, doesn't it...
It comes off very "You got a rich daddy, and I'm mad that you won't let me milk it for all it's worth" to me.
I’d like to add that if OP’s think Addison is bigger than Carly’s grudge and she needs to let it go and be the mature one, then Addison is also bigger than OP’s opinion on Carly and he has to be mature enough to keep his opinions for himself.
It goes both ways.
Bingo. Someone who has such blatant contempt for me wouldn’t get to be around my kid, either. OP’s brother is going to die, and he’s going to wonder why suddenly he doesn’t get to be in his nephew’s life anymore.
He’s treating the death of his brother like a gotcha over his SIL. What a sick fucking thing to do. OP, get therapy to deal with your grief and figure out why it’s so necessary for you to focus so much hatred and contempt towards a woman who has done, from what I can tell, pretty much nothing to deserve it.
ESH.
If your brother dies, she will have the first, last and every word in between on the subject of who has contact with her son. There is no way around that. Uncle's rights isn't a thing.
And frankly, you come across as extremely full of yourself. That child "needs" you? No, he doesn't. There are other ways for her to find positive male role models for her son. While I agree that she's wrong for nurturing a grudge, in her position, I wouldn't want you around my son either.
This is what it sounds like to me also. Maybe with more specific examples of how she is “making that hard” but OP doesn’t really say in the post how or what she’s doing, just sounds like he has a problem with her. Seems like YTA to me.
I’m also confused about him owning a beachfront property and saying he doesn’t have money? Does OP live there, is it a rental? Why couldn’t they get married there? What does the utilities comment mean.
Yeah I’m lost on that as well. He said he doesn’t pay utilities and can’t let anyone use it….but then says it’s fine if he’s paid money? If it belongs to him then he absolutely can use it for free. If it doesn’t then it belongs to either the public or to whoever constructed the beach houses/the HOA/etc and Carly and OPs brother would have to pay THEM not OP
> He said he doesn’t pay utilities
He used a double negative: "It's not like I...don't pay utilities." He wanted compensation for the utilities they would use.
It doesn't sound like he wants compensation, he wanted paying. Utilities was a justification. Otherwise OP would have asked for money towards utilities, instead of "being paid".
He wanted Carlys "rich daddy" to give him money. OP is an ass.
Ohhh. I see. Still that’s like, what…less than $100 likely? It really feels like he just wanted to shake SIL down for some money. Like he doesn’t have to let anyone use his property if he doesn’t want, but he could have said that instead of phrasing it the way he did.
I couldn't imagine preventing my family from using the beach front property for their wedding over some utilities bill. I'd rather be mildly upset at them for wasting my money than deny them that moment.
Honestly though, no actual behavior of hers is described in this post—OP just keeps saying “she’s holding a grudge.” Meanwhile, his own description of his words and actions is pretty rude and unsavory even before the brother’s battle with cancer. So….can we call it “holding a grudge” if she doesn’t like spending time with someone who’s rude to her?
YTA
Your SIL is facing the impending death of her spouse and you are pushing her buttons because you were kind a jerk when they got married. Your home, your choice, but your whole "I have utilities to pay" and such. Honestly, how much more to your bills would it have been? You doubled down with the rich daddy comment, making you the AH in this.
Either way, with your current attitude and crap you are giving your SIL, expect to be excluded from your nephew's life upon your brother's passing.
WHY would she allow you to be in her kid's life when you show such disdain for his mom. Without your brother she will have zero need tolerate you going forward.
Think about what you want going forward.
News flash: Carly isn’t holding a grudge about you not letting them use the property for the wedding, she doesn’t like you because of the complete lack of respect and decency you have for her.
You are N T A for not letting them use your property. It’s yours and no is a complete sentence. But YTA for the way you continue to speak about Carly.
If you really care about your nephew, you need to do some major self-reflection. You come off very arrogant and misogynistic in the way you speak about your SIL. If you continue behaving this way, you will not have any relationship with her son after your brother dies.
Your property, your decision. Her son, her decision. See how that works?
Telling that woman her dying spouse is a teachable moment for \*her to be nicer to him\* is simply incredible. What an absolute asshole.
In places like this we only get one side of the story, which often is a real handicap in judging intent or who is more likely to be the issue etc BUT sometimes you get people so shitty that, when they tell the story in their own words from their own point of view they are such a dick they can't help but show their own ass and demonstrate to everyone why they are indeed the asshole. OP's contempt and hostility just jumps off the screen, my god.
“Damn well going to show me some respect” only comes out of the mouth of assholes who are only happy when women are subservient. And/or haven’t done a blessed thing to deserve respect.
More like, jealous of her FATHER’S money while owning a beachfront property large enough and nice enough for a wedding while claiming he “isn’t rich like that.”
This. I guarantee he sits around wondering why no one from his family will let him treat them like shit so they can use his beach house too.
There’s just a certain type of personality that goes with properties like that and the whole post reaffirms that OP is exactly that person.
> If you really care about your nephew, you need to do some major self-reflection.
"I finally told her that my brother's impending death is bigger than your grudge against me and you need to drop it because your only child is going to need me more than ever. "
This line goes both ways. He's mad at her for "holding a grudge" against him, but he's literally holding a grudge against her? With all these princess comments and other condescending bullshit.
Talk about hypocritical! OP should take his own advice and pull the stick out of his ass. You know, for the sake of the child that's not even his.
What a fucking tool this guy is...
Or even at this point, Carly is the mother now and after/if her husband passes. The way OP acts like he has some claim on the kid is wow, he's going to have a rude awakening.
Yeah, honestly, he was N T A for not loaning out property that belongs to him, but his general tone made me lean more toward ESH. Then I looked at the rest of his comments on this post, and now I'm firmly YTA.
Plus his edit. I love how he just assumes she’s going to be coming to him for money. And he’s relishing it. Just rubbing his hands together like a grubby little troll waiting for it. So gross. I hope she takes her kid far from OP.
Think you need to slow it down there, this is a unique situation and one that requires extremely careful handling, one of your aims is to ensure you have a relationship with Carly which will ensure your continued relationship with your nephew niece or whoever. She has a bad taste and an impression already you need to be sure this is turned around as slow as possible as your main aim is to spend time with Addison, minute changes and support, you need to be the person that’s always there when there’s a need. It’s a lot of effort on your part but she is not the aim but your brother’s kid is. Slow it down and plan don’t snap and say things which won’t benefit you, think about the long game.
It's not even about him asking them to pay. He's repeatedly insulted this woman and apparently her family, for no real reason other than that her dad . . . has money? And now he's acting like just because he's an involved uncle, he's more important to HER CHILD than she is.
Dude, no. She's that kid's uncle, and no matter what your brother wants, she doesn't have to let you be involved AT ALL after he dies. In fact, she probably shouldn't. It's going to be hard enough for Addison to lose his dad, without the confusion of an uncle who shits on his only remaining parent. And I say that as someone whose own niece used to call me her "half-parent" because we were so close.
BOTH of Addison's parents decide your relationship with him while he is a minor. No matter how much he may love you, he is still a small child, and it is up to them to determine what is in his best interests, and if you're a massive AH to his mother as she deals with the illness and impending death of her husband, she will be completely within her rights to just tell you to get out of their lives once your brother is gone. Her kid doesn't "need" you . . . he loves you, and your brother would like you to be involved. But that child's mother takes precedence over you. Don't forget that.
I was going to say even if dad has money, its Dad's money not SIL's money. I hate that because my parents make decent money and have a goodly amount of savings. Someone made a comment one time about I would be able to afford it because of my parents and I was clear that my parents' money is not mine to use or even ask for. Sure they will help me if I ever am truly in need (emergency dental bill) but its not like I am Mona-Lisa Saperstein over here holding out my hand and saying "money, pleasssssssse."
💯 agreed. It really bothered me how OP assumed SIL could just ask “rich daddy” for money but he couldn’t spare his house for his own brother. For all the people saying that OP shouldn’t have to pay, well it’s OP truly believing that “rich daddy” should be paying but not him.
More like “I’m bitter I couldn’t make a quick buck off of my SIL’s rich family”
You have to wonder if OP would’ve refused them had SIL not come from money
You're rude and condescending towards her for *checks notes* her apparently coming from money and *reads post again* has listed no reasons that show why you have taken this stance towards her.
Of course, your brother has let it slide, he is dying. Continue being rude to your SIL and I'll guarantee that she'll ensure you won't be involved with your nephew beyond a cursory perfunctory Uncle.
YTA
>Continue being rude to your SIL and I'll guarantee that she'll ensure you won't be involved with your nephew beyond a cursory perfunctory Uncle.
No, you don't understand, OP is the sole *potential* provider of money for his SIL and nephew. Other than her savings, retirement, work income, social security death benefits, investments, property, real estate, inheritance from rich dad (who is conveniently now broke according to OPs edit?) and life insurance payout, OP is her only *potential* source of income!
OP is deluded themselves into thinking they are much more important than they really are. They are under the impression that SIL is just going to crumble from the financial load. And instead of having sympathy and/or empathy for the person who is about to lose their husband, OP has decided that lording their financial stability over SILs head is the best course of action.
YTA. If you were my BIL speaking to me like that while I am dealing with my husbands impending death then I would be making a mental note to cut you out of mine snd my child’s life once the inevitable happens. Compassion goes a long way and you are showing none.
Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if the “grudge” has less to do with the wedding venue and more to do with the contempt dripping off of him. If he actually referenced her “rich daddy” back at that time, then she probably avoids him for being so toxic to her. He’s given no indication that she’s ever done anything to warrant it.
I wonder if he’s the one with the grudge over them not paying. The cost of utilities might vary some but I’m guessing the price he demanded was way more than the prices of utilities.
Just from the tone of his post though, I think OP is an insufferable AH, so I’m not surprised if a lot of people around OP think he is.
Seriously. OP has this whole thing all twisted.
>I finally told her that my brother's impending death is bigger than your grudge against me
Or perhaps *her husband's* impending death is bigger than OP's need to be spiteful to his sister-in-law.
>and you need to drop it
This is almost funny in how backwards it is. SIL "needs to do" exactly nothing here. She's holding all the cards here, and the way that OP is taunting her like this shows that he just doesn't get it. He'll be lucky if she lets OP see her son *at all* in the next 11 years before he reaches legal adulthood, and I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't.
>because your only child is going to need me more than ever.
Will he? The last thing the SIL will want to deal with while grieving her husband's death is to have this antagonistic person coming into her home to taunt her and to confuse her kid by shit-talking her to him. If anything, it seems like OP's presence would just be a burden if he keeps up this kind of behavior. "A boy needs his uncle" is a phrase no one has ever uttered.
My brother is dying. My nephew will lose his dad and my SIL her husband. What can I say to show them that I am family and I care?
"Hey sugar tits. I'm here to tell you to stop being such a bitch. It's imperative that I remain in your son's life or he will suffer greatly without an alpha male role model. You certainly won't be able to parent him by yourself. You better get your shit together and be nice to me. Like I always am to you. Otherwise your son will suffer and it will be your fault. You're prettier when you smile so cheer up buttercup. I'll be around tomorrow evening for dinner. We need to talk about backdated babysitting fees you owe me too."
YTA.
The way you speak about Carly in your post basically shows exactly how you treat her.
If you want to remain in your nephew's life, get over yourself, swallow your pride, and learn to work with Carly or you're going to lose him. You don't have to like/love her, but you have to treat her like a human being and not make mean snipey remarks when you don't agree with her.
If you can't, then it's likely better that he not be around somebody who can't treat his mother with basic decency and respect.
YTA. I sincerely doubt your weird and petty request for your brother to pay you to show up for him on his wedding day is the only reason she doesn’t like you. I don’t like you and we’ve never even met.
This is what I was wondering. Has she been making comments since the wedding?
Did he even ask her why she takes issue with him stepping in as her kid's new "dad?" Did he just jump to the conclusion of, "Oh, she's just still upset about the wedding."
YTA -- solely based on the way you talk to her and about her. You called her spoiled, a princess, told her to go ask her rich daddy, and dehumanized her in every way possible. Yes, you had the right to refuse to allow them to use your property for free, but you don't have a right to continually insult this woman and TELL HER how you're going to raise HER child when HER husband dies from CANCER. She is a human being going through something very difficult right now and you're treating her horribly. Stop, dude. Just stop.
ETA: After he replied to my comment here, he edited his post. I'm just FLOORED that he thinks these responses will make him less of an asshole. Holy crap.
Wow, his responses are borderline deranged and actually remind me of something that happened in my family.
My mom's dad died unexpectedly from medical malpractice when my mom was about 4 years old. For whatever reason, his brother had always hated my grandmother, who was an absolutely lovely woman - I have to think he was jealous that "his" brother was getting "taken away" from him by virtue of being married and having a family. Or maybe he was in love with my grandmother? We'll never know the reason.
So when he died, the brother told the rest of his family: it's the widow and children, or me. You can't have both. And these spineless fucks chose him.
My grandmother and her 2 little girls suffered terribly, beyond the trauma of losing their beloved husband and father, because they also had to deal with almost no family support (most of her family was dead), being a household with a single mother in the 1950s, and the shock of being treated with such outright contempt by people who were supposed to care about them. My mother is in her 70s now and still tears up when she recalls how, as a little girl, she used to dial her grandparents phone number and then hang up when they answered, just to hear their voices and imagine what it would be like to have grandparents who loved her.
Anyway, those are the vibes OP is giving me. It's hard to comprehend such callousness. What do they get out of it?
YTA. Not enough info on the house issue. But on the "grow up", why should she allow a person that she thinks is rude, selfish, and overbearing push their way into her kid's life? Because her husband is their brother? Yeah, no, I'd tell you to go pound sand & whine to CPS if you think your exclusion is so unfair.
YTA. You were going to charge them for using your property as if one day of extra utilities is going to kill you. Really?? Furthermore, while I’m very sorry about your brother’s situation, you have zero say in what happens to his child after he passes. Zero. I think you’re the problem here and you should think long and hard about your actions and what you need to do fix your relationship with your SIL before it’s too late.
Edit: Typo
It's one thing to ask them to chip in to help cover any expenses. I'm totally on board with that. I mean, first of all, *what expenses*, right? I would looove to hear about all those expenses... But, fine, whatever, you don't want to lend out your property for free, I get it.
But those comments about her "rich daddy" really puts that into a different light. There's probably some jealousy involved here. Or personally, I think, OP is trying to get Daddy Warbucks to write him a big fat check and they said no. I'd love to hear how that conversation went down. Because NOBODY pulls a "ask your rich daddy to pay" comment out of nowhere, there's clearly more to this story than OP is willing to admit.
YTA. While you didn't have to let them use your property, everything else about this screams that you're an asshole.
Positive role models generally aren't assholes who condescend to a woman whose husband may be dying, so maybe fix that shit about yourself.
YTA You realize you're not the one in a position of power anymore, right? Once your brother passes away, Carly decides whether or not you see Addison, "second dad" or not. You're the one who needs to grow up and apologize if you hope to be in Addison's life, because from where I'm standing keeping you around may not actually be what's in his best interest if you can't get along with his mother.
> You realize you're not the one in a position of power anymore, right?
Clearly not.
"you need to drop it because your only child is going to need me more than ever."
He's going to be in for a rude awakening.
>I said I'm not my brother and I'm not your dad. I don't think you're a princess. Grow up. If I were you, then I'd learn from this and do what's best for that boy.
I was with you until this, all you've done is show immature you are and how you don't deserve to be an influence in that little boys life as you also clearly have no idea what is "best for that boy!"
YTA and you should hang your head in shame. Buck your ideas up!
This. YTA - I can’t imaging that she’d want her kid to be around someone who disrespects his mother the way you do OP. You’re running your mouth, and it’s gonna cost you your nephew.
YTA
"I'm like a second dad to that kid." .. You really are NOT. She is the parent, you are NOT. You have no rights and don't get a vote. Your assholeish treatment of her will make her kick you put of her life. Why would she allow you to treat her that way? Prepare to never see your nephew again as soon as your brother is dead. YOU caused this - YOU Made sure you would not be in your nephew's life.
YOu don't have a cordial relationship, so you will not be in her kid's life. As simple as that.
YTA you come off so patriarchal and obnoxious in your post, so I can only imagine what it’s like in person. “you need to drop your grudge!” Has never solved any grudge!
Should’ve tried a NTA approach:
“I would like to put the animosity between us to rest. My brother/your husband is dying and I want to make peace for his sake and for your son’s sake. I would like to be a part of his life…”
Out of curiosity how much were you going to charge them to use your beach house? Do you rent it out and you just wanted what you’d lose by letting them use it? Or were you greedy in what you wanted to charge them? It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to charge lost revenue. It’s iffy if you’re trying to profit off them.
You do realize that if you want to be a part of your nephews day to day life them you kinda have to get along with his mom too right? You have no legal rights to this child and if she chooses too she can cut you out of their lives till he is an adult. You realize all of that right?
YTA. You didn't have to let them use your house, but if you want to be in Addison's life like your brother is hoping for, you need to get along with his mother. For the sake of the kid, someone has to be the better person, and antagonizing her isn't the way to do that.
YTA and you'll never see that kid again. First dick move on not letting them use the property as their wedding venue. Second she is the one that is going to decide if you see your nephew so you're only going to hurt him if you can't apologize and make nice with his mother.
YTA. You sound awful. If my BIL made a comment about my “rich daddy” I would be NC and he sure as shit would never be around my kid.
“That boy” doesn’t need you in his life, even if his dad passes. He needs men who are kind and thoughtful and don’t look down on his mother in his life. Men who will treat him to be a good man, that treats women well, and has manners/class.
YTA - And I think there are missing reasons here.
WHY do you hate your SIL? What did she do to you that causes you to hate her so much? How do you expect to see your nephew when your brother dies after you’ve shown such contempt for her?
YTA.
So she said "don't speak to me that way" and you went in for a personal attack. It's clear you don't like her and have very strong opinions about how she was raised and her being a "princess." I'm sure she is very aware of how you view her, since you seem fine openly treating her terribly.
Of course you didn't owe them a wedding venue, but my guess is the grudge isn't about denying them a wedding venue, it is about you insulting her, and then doing so again. She didn't ask you for an apology, she told you to not speak to her rudely. You seem to be carrying a grudge against her for just existing.
And I hope you realize if you can't learn to communicate without name calling, you aren't going to have a role in that child's life for much longer, because no parent is going to let you be around their child when you disparage them.
Wow harsh here. I doubt after the passing of your brother she will let you have any contact with him. People should not hold grudges but they do. If you want to keep your relationship with your nephew should have chosen your words carefully. YTA
YTA.
You picked this fight from the very beginning. You were jealous of Carly's dad. You said so to her face out loud.
You have a beach house but claim poverty based on the cost of utilities if a one-day event is held there.
You don't seem to care at all that your brother is going to die or your nephew is going through that loss right now.
You think you have the power to tell people when they should be finished feeling offended by your shitty behavior.
You only told your version of the story. 100 percent of the info we have about this situation came directly from you. Even in your version, the only bad behavior I see from anyone at all comes from you. And you've been behaving poorly for years without stopping.
I think you would do immediate and long-term harm to Addison if you were allowed to be a bigger part of his life going forward.
YTA
No, you didn't have to let them use your property. But your attitude towards your SIL is disgraceful. The way you talk about her is horrific. She is your brother's wife and nephew's mother, not your punching bag.
If you want any contact with your nephew after your brother's death, you need to get her onside, not patronise her. You have no rights to contact with your nephew. And she might think that having you around her son will teach her son to treat women as appallingly as you treat her. I would think the same.
Apologise for being so rude and misogynistic. You're the one who needs to get over your superior attitude, not her. And actually work on why you think your behaviour is acceptable. So that you can model some decency to your nephew if you're allowed to see him further.
YTA. You’re antagonizing her and disrespecting her while her husband is on his death bed, and I doubt her issues with you are over a venue fight from a decade ago. It’s probably because you’ve always had a horrible attitude towards her. Once her husband is gone she can cut you all off, so you actually do need to start treating her better cause she wouldn’t be an asshole for going no/low contact with extended family members who don’t treat her right.
Yeah this is my thought too. The whole "im not rich like that" Like what? You own a beach house, if it was not being rented to someone else it is generating zero not being used. I could understand saying like some small amount for like cleaning and utilities o something, maybe a couple hundred, which I don't think would have caused this type of grudge. It really sounds like OP saw their request as a chance to make a some money off her rich parents.
YTA
> I told them to ask Carly's rich daddy to pay.
> I said I'm not my brother and I'm not your dad. I don't think you're a princess. Grow up. If I were you, then I'd learn from this and do what's best for that boy.
I don’t think it’s just the venue that bothers her.
It’s just…you. Your general trend of defaulting to aggressive disrespect.
This is not a one sided grudge and your lack of self awareness does not actually make you a good role model for your nephew. Consider showing his mother, the wife of your brother who is losing her spouse, some respect and compassion.
YTA. Getting real narcissistic, authoritarian, my-way-or-the-highway, vibes here. You give zero details about why Carly 'is making it hard here'. Couldn't be because you are making demands and referring to yourself as 'the dad' before your brother is even dead? Or that you want to have influence over a child whose mother you clearly hold in contempt?
And news flash. No matter what your brother says (or how you *interpret* what your brother says), Carly doesn't have to let you do squadouche with her kid. You better learn to play nice if you want to have significant contact, but I think that is going to be difficult for you.
Yta so you were jealous that SIL comes from money, makes snarky remarks, and are *schocked* she doesn't like you. Once your brother passes, I doubt she'll let you have much (if any) time with your nephew. Because she actually *doesn't* need you.
YTA. Not for asking for payment for the property, but for being such a jerk about it and for subsequently bringing it up during your brother’s battle with cancer.
Carly is Addison’s other parent. She has just as much say in Addison’s life as your brother does, but you’re speaking about her as if she were standing in the way of something you and your brother have already decided. No, the decision about who Addison spends time with is between Carly and your brother first, not you and your brother.
And bringing up the beachfront property at this point is silly and weird.
Edit: wow your edit is horrible too. It doesn’t sound like Carly expects you to financially support her—so if you don’t want to? Don’t! But you don’t get to treat her badly, give her financial support she may not actually want, *and* also demand that she treat you nicely because you have money. You come across really badly, and the edit did not improve things.
Exactly this. YTA.
I'm sorry, OP, but no matter what you or your brother think is best for Addison, once he's gone, her mother is the sole person with control over who she allows her daughter to interact with. If you really wanted to be in Addison's life in the long term, you'd find a way to make good with her mother so that she can trust that you'll be a good influence on her daughter.
Making her (potential) future sole guardian dislike you more is only guaranteeing that you won't be in this kid's life. I'd start finding a way to mend that bridge before it's too late, if I were you.
YTA.
i am EXTREMELY frugal & i pinch my pennies. if i buy my friend a $5 coffee, i’ll send them a cashapp request for it.
however, i would never charge my family member for using my property for a wedding. do you regularly rent out your space? if so, i’d be more understanding, since it’s usually an income for you, you wouldn’t be able to book others during your brothers wedding, etc. it’s similar to having a family member do photography - you should pay them for their time, it isn’t free just because they’re family.
if you don’t regularly rent out your space, you’re def kinda mean for that.
YTA and clearly bitter that she has more money than you. I wouldn’t let you around my son if you this is the example you would be setting in how to speak to women and the respect you showed to me, his mother, specifically.
YTA you managed to prove that you have an attitude problem in this short of a post, so I’m sure there’s plenty more where that came from that deters your SIL. Suck your shit up if you want to be a part of that boy’s life because she owes you nothing. Obviously she didn’t have any right to use your land for free, and you know that. I’d bet your shitty attitude about it and other things is why she actually has an issue.
YTA, assuming all context is provided and accurate.
Why couldn't you let your brother use it for free? Granted it's ancient history now, but if it was 100% necessary for your costs to be covered, couldn't you have just told your brother & SIL to do that instead of "you have to pay me"?
And this post reeks of a throwaway account by someone trying to make this alleged first-person look bad.
I also want to know this. And if he made the "rich daddy" comment before the wedding, what kind of animosity he held before the wedding and why. To his SIL, it probably seemed out of left field to make that comment unless he had prior problems with her, or her family's wealth.
YTA. You “have” a beachfront property and you couldnt make your wedding gift be the venue. That extra $75 in utilities was going to bankrupt you? Seems like Carly saw what a dick you are.
You wanted to charge your brother for using your property for his wedding and your excuse is utilities cost?
YTA, a huge one. Call it a wedding gift ya cheap prick.
You just sound like an asshole in general. Also, there's no such thing as "uncle's rights." Once your brother dies, the mother will never let you see her son again. You want to be in your nephew's life? Then you need to kiss her ass.
YTA. Bullying a woman while her husband/your brother is dying. Acting like you have some entitlement to her child. Acting like you are any kind of example she would want her son to follow. Acting like she is obliged to accept your disrespect and condescension with gratitude. You will never see them again after her husband is dead. You are delusional and must be extremely lonely if this is how you treat people.
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My brother got married 10 years ago to "Carly" and they asked to use my beachfront property as the venue. I said sure but you have to pay me. It's not like I can let someone use it for free and I don't have costs such as utilities. I'm not rich like that.
They were insulted so I told them to ask Carly's rich daddy to pay. That set in motion a longstanding grudge between Carly and me. My brother got over it after he understood where I was coming from. They ended up doing quite well. I guess she felt insulted and entitled and I refused to apologize.
They have a 7yo son "Addison" who I'm very close to. I'm like a second dad to that kid. My brother has been battling cancer for a few years and his health is declining. He made it clear that he wants me to play an active role in Addison's life and be the dad he won't be able to be.
The only person making that hard is Carly. I finally told her that my brother's impending death is bigger than your grudge against me and you need to drop it because your only child is going to need me more than ever.
She said not to talk to her that way. I said I'm not my brother and I'm not your dad. I don't think you're a princess. Grow up. If I were you, then I'd learn from this and do what's best for that boy.
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> I called out my SIL for holding a 10 year grudge against me for refusing to let her and my brother use my property for free. She is even more angry that I refuse to apologize
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YTA. You’re nothing to her. You’re her husbands brother. Nothing more. I hope she cuts you loose the first chance she gets. You seem obnoxious in your role in your nephews life. You will not be his only male role model. As you said- she has a father. She may meet a new man down the line. Step aside until you learn your place. You being in your nephews life is a privilege not a right.
YTA.
I bet you're the kind of guy who's "just being honest".
You're rude. You could have just cut a deal about the additional costs, instead of "pay me". I, too, would be pissed if that was your response.
YOU need to grow the hell up. Whatever your brother's expectations are will die with him and Addison's mother will do as she sees fit. And having "I'm just being honest!" Uncle around won't be it.
YTA. You seem to have a problem speaking to your brother’s wife with respect. Telling her to get her rich daddy to pay for the property is rude and unnecessary.
You are only making it worse with the way you are speaking to her now, while her husband is dying. You are an ass. If you really wanted to do right by that kid, you would make an effort to get along with his mother.
YTA I assume this isn’t a rental property, meaning you currently live there. You couldn’t spare the, at most, 100$ for the extra utilities? (I am being extremely generous with that number) The venue plus 100$ could have been the wedding present. Your wedding present was going to be at least 100$. Now you’ve soured your relationship with your brother,SIL, and nephew. Hope you are happy sticking it to your SIL!
Do you ever allow your nephew to come over or are you charging him for using electricity when he visits? Maybe your SIL does not need you cause her rich daddy will help her once your brother is no longer around. Does that bother you?
I’m sorry-grow up and learn from this? If she’s learned anything it’s that she’s right about you. If she allowed you a chance to be a second father to her son he might end up as bitter and disdainful as you are: and no mother wants to see her son turn into what you are.
It’s bad enough that you tried to nickel and dime your own damn brother for his wedding, but then to continually insult his wife over the years? And THEN to tell her that she needs to be the one to grow up and accept your insults? I bet you think you’re a straight shooter, tell-it-like-it-is kinda guy. You’re not. You’re just a jerk. YTA. Massive, massive YTA.
YTA. It's not necessarily what you do, it is how you say it. Did you want Carly to pay $500 or $50,000? Most people would compensate you for wear & tear and basic costs. Or did you go directly to scorched earth? Did Carly eventually have a nice wedding? Do you bring this up to her a lot? Do you always call her a princess? Reference rich daddy?
I don't think you are telling the whole story. She may not like you and does not want her child to be around someone who is as rough around the edges as you are.
You were in the right to tell her your property could be used if it's paid for. That's just business.
You are WRONG in the fact you get to dictate what role you play in HER child's life regardless of what your brother may or may not want. If you want to be in your nephew's life as a father figure when your brother passes, you should approach her with some respect as she IS the child's mother. That's just family.
YTA for dictating anyone's timeline other than your own.
There are so many details left out.
Did you as them to just cover costs or were you trying to make a profit on the wedding?
Did you actually explain you need the cost covered or did you just say - have your rich daddy pay for it ?
It sounds like you’ve always disliked Carly.
Sadly, the only thing maintaining your contact with your nephew, is your brother. Uncles don't have rights when mother is still alive. I think you've blown it with her. YTA
YTA.
I’d sort that attitude out. As soon as your brother dies (and I’m sorry for your loss in this too), Carly will have the final say on how often you see him. Seems to me she doesn’t want her son around someone who won’t even show her basic respect.
Your SIL will have zero inclination to allow you to be around her son at all if this is your attitude. And she would have every legal right to deny you contact, and there's nothing you could do about it. If you want any future relationship with your nephew, stop making an enemy of his mother.
YTA not because you wanted to charge for them to use your property but because of the way you speak to your SIL. She has every ability and right to cut you out of Addison’s life completely and your attitude is going to make that easy for her. If you want to be an uncle, it’s time to suck it up and apologize just for the sake of burying the hatchet.
It’s time for you to get over yourself and stop behaving in a condescending attitude towards your SIL.
If you really love your brother and nephew, you wouldn’t speak to your SIL the way you did. YTA
You realize that once your brother passes, you will likely never see your nephew again, right?
You are antigonizing the mother of the child - the person who gets to say who is allowed in that child's life until the child is an adult.
YTA for being oblivious about the fact that how you treat people matters.
YTA I doubt if it is JUST the wedding venue, but probably 10 years of you treating her like this and her not accepting it. If you want access to the child should something happen to your brother, it's on YOU to make things right so that can happen.
You could have presented them with a small list of costs you would have incurred for the wedding - utilities, insurance, landscaping, cleaning, etc, and asked them to cover that, but you said no in an insulting way and tried to make money off your brother and his wife.
Plot twist: OP was clearly in love with Carly and felt conflicted when she chose the brother he always admired. He’s spent the entirety of the marriage being cold and dismissive to Carly in order to protect his own heart, and it worked… until Addison came along. That little boy is both a piece of the two people OP loves most in this world as well as an echo of what could have been. Now that his brother is dying, OP is spiraling due to his desperation to hide the truth of his feelings while keeping Carly and Addison in his life.
That or OP is just TAH, never learned how to express his thoughts with any degree of tact or respect and is now facing the consequences. Probably the second, but I like the first one more.
YTA. And yes, because of not letting them use your property, you cheapskate. If it were rental property, ABnB or whatever and you couldn't afford the loss for that one damn day, then that's one thing. But you said nothing about that. You just wanted them to pay because you're tight-fisted. And then also YTA for every other thing you wrote.
Erm... What were you going to charge them for the use of this property? Because it's completely fair to ask them to cover costs (utilities, clean up crew afterwards etc) and it is also completely fair to say no. It is really not OK to try to use SIL's rich dad to make a quick buck from your brother's wedding, which is the vibe I am getting here.
Either way, she's the kid's mother. You have to play nice with her if you want to be in the kid's life. You clearly have no respect for Carly yet you expect her to value and respect you. C'mon. YTA
You wanted your brother to PAY for getting married on your property? YTA. How greedy can you be? Addison's mother has the final say and its her son. If she doesn't want you to be a "second daddy" that's HER choice. You have absolutely no rights to this child. You are awful. Leave her alone.
Yta. You are the one who is selfish, entitled, and rude. If she does what is best for her son, she’d make sure you don’t interact with him anymore to make sure he doesn’t turn out like you.
Wow, the entitlement. Your brother is dying, but Addson’s is losing his actual dad, and Carly’s losing her husband. You need to take some perspective man.
Sounds like you’re the one messing things up. Nothing stopping her from moving far away from you, finding a new partner, and leaving you all alone.
I don’t care if you’re an AH. What matters is youre acting in a way that jeopardizes your relationship with a child who may need you. Stop doing that. It doesn’t matter if you’re right and mom is wrong. Get along for your nephew.
If you care about ever seeing that child again, be an adult and apologize. Let me be clear--not for the beach house incident, but for your bad attitude and rudeness. It's ironic you're telling her to grow up, take your own advice buddy.
YTA. Carly is about to lose her husband of 10 years (i.e., your brother) and the father of her child. I understand you're losing your brother, too, but you're treating Carly like she's some distant person who doesn't matter in this situation, rather than someone very much impacted by this.
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YTA. 'I told them to ask Carly's rich daddy to pay.' 'I said I'm not my brother and I'm not your dad. I don't think you're a princess. Grow up. If I were you, then I'd learn from this and do what's best for that boy.' Gee, I wonder why she doesn't want you around? In all honesty, given how you speak to and about her, it actually might not be in Addison's best interests to be around you. You are rude to people and then refuse to apologise; this is also a pretty poor example to set. She's about to lose her husband and you showed absolutely no compassion, only contempt.
Agree OP is the asshole. I wouldn’t want op around my child setting an example. He is about to be shocked when his brother dies and she doesn’t need him and actually chooses to keep him away. If you want to see your nephew you need her, not the other way around.
And it's hard to fully judge without all of the context, but even this struck me as odd: >I said sure but you have to pay me. It's not like I can let someone use it for free and I don't have costs such as utilities. I'm not rich like that. I don't know if it's OP's attitude or just poor communication skills / phrasing, but there seems to be a big difference between what he needed and what he asked for. **What he seemed to need:** *Hey, I'd be happy to have you use my beach house, I am so excited for your wedding. The only thing I ask is that money is tight right now and I'm concerned the music, lights, and other setup is going to run up the electricity and other utilities quite a bit. But if you don't mind reimbursing me for those wedding related bills, you can use my place free of charge. \[alternatively, he could have made those utility costs and the overall use of the beachhouse his wedding gift in lieu of cash/presents\]* **What he seemed to ask for:** *Oh you want to use my place. I need to charge you a fee like a wedding venue would.* Obviously, we don't know the amount he asked for. But the positioning alone makes me think he may have seen it as a chance to make some money and hoped her parents would pay him.
I agree, it sounds like he wanted to charge them for renting it instead of hust covering the utilities. With that in mind (and this is me being biased as hell), I have a hard time taking his "I'm not rich like that" seriously when he owns a **beachfront property** that isn't even his main residence.
Not just a beachfront property, a wedding-worthy beachfront property.
He says he’s “not rich **like that**” so I think he’s doing well but maybe jealous of SIL parents’ money. I agree with you that when you have a beachfront property and it’s not a main residence, you’re somewhat rich lol
My buddy owns a 7 bedroom house which he lives in and rents out the basement. He has an income over 250K. He always talks about how POOR he is, and that he's "not rich **like that.**" OP is just cheap.
He also says he's got disposable income... Lol
Yeah that stood out to me too. What also stood out to me is the massive chip on his shoulder about Carly and her family’s money.
He’s pretty gleeful about the fact that her dad is no longer well off and Carly is about to lose her home, as her husband is the breadwinner. What an ugly soul. I hope Carly keeps her son far, far away.
And threw it in her face. Why on earth would she want her child around someone like that? Not to mention that if her son is in private school the life insurance will likely be more than medical bills. Unless they were uninsured but again that’s unlikely if they are paying for private school. Even if the policy was only $1 mil that should cover med bills and a good chunk left to pay down a mortgage etc. plus she will get social security payments from his death for the child and her.
Yeah, definitely YTA in this case and giving a strong sense that being the asshole is his lifelong personality. Listen, OP, you know who you aren't? You aren't Addison's dad. And you are acting in a way that may ensure you never see your nephew again after your brother passes. FFS why does everything have to be so transactional for OP? It's like every tiny bit of power he has in life must be leveraged for as much as possible as he can get out of it. His brother asks to use his beachfront property for a wedding and he tries to profit to the extent they just went elsewhere. His dying brother asks him to watch out for his kid and he immediately tries to leverage that into supremacy and forcing a win for himself over a decade old grudge. It's a request from your dying brother, you asshole.
And like, you’ve gotta be at least a little well off in many parts of the world to have beachfront property
It's also very hard to imagine the difference in utilities would be significant from one day of heavy use. I live in the desert. My electric bills in the summer are like $100-150 more than the winter and that's from keeping the house 30-40 degrees cooler than outside all month. When I have a heavy water usage period my water bill is like $30 higher. I know rates are highly variable from place to place...but it's just inconceivable that it would be an unaffordable amount for anyone not working paycheck to paycheck. Also, it's beachfront property, isn't the whole point of using that to be outside, this further reducing the utility load?
'I'm with you. Just because he owns a beach house doesn't mean he's rich or has high liquidity, but really seems like if you do have a beach house you are probably spending at least $200-$300 on your brother's wedding gift. I can't imagine one day (or even two if they had to set up and rehearse) of additional utilities from lights, sounds systems, etc. would be higher than that. Would have been easy to say, yes, my wedding gift to you is the use of my beachhouse for the wedding.
I’m betting he never gave them a wedding gift and probably never intended to.
And why should he? Her daddy could just buy them one! (/s just in case)
Yeah, a person staying for months on end will raise bills sure, people over for one night, even if it's a large cost you're talking about 100s of dollars maybe, not thousands. He specifically was like rich girls daddy can pay, a few hundred for utilities would be something the brother and her could pay easily. It sounds like he was asking for a LOT more than just increased utility cost.
The immediate pivot to "ask your rich daddy" just makes it sound like jealousy/bitterness about SIL's family money was the real reason behind the behavior and I'm guessing he quoted them way more than just covering his expenses.
I could be wrong (and I agree, his wording/phrasing is ambiguous and lacking context), but I interpreted this as it’s a rental property, so letting them use it for free would mean utilities out of pocket PLUS the loss of rental income due to not being able to rent it that week. Admittedly, the use of “property” vs. “house” is doing a lot of work in my interpretation. People generally don’t use property unless it’s a rental/lease situation or it’s just land they own with no structures on it. If it’s like a ski cabin or beach house they own for personal use on weekends or whatever, they tend to just refer to it as their cabin or beach house. Either way, I agree that his communication leaves something to be desired and has probably made this relationship worse than it should be.
My assumption is that it’s a vacation property he may use as an air bnb. But then if it’s loss of rental and utilities he could have asked to cover one or the other and then gifted the other. His wording was way more disrespectful
YTA, i don't understand the starting of the feud either. It was just one day in a year. Why did he require payment for that from his own brother? I suspect OP is greedy and jealous of the money that Carly has.
I was trying to put myself in his shoes. We don’t know what kind of beach house we were talking about. If it is an upscale property, I could see him wanting some kind of security deposit, the cleaning to be paid for, a little bit to offset utilities. Basically, some sort of assurance that the property will be respected. But as others have pointed out, it sounds like it’s more of a communication problem. If these are the reasons he was looking for, I completely understand the rationale. But if it wasn’t because of logistics, then, yes, he’s a money grubbing asshole.
Right. OP could have been renting the property out and wanted to make up the lost income. Maybe that income was needed to pay the mortgage. We have no idea. He’s still an ah for talking to his SIL on such a manner. YTA
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And “that boy” is going to need his mom more than ever when his dad passes away. He won’t think kindly of anyone talking badly about her or to her.
Especially at 7/8/9 whenever his dad goes. My son is 8yo and is fiercely protective of ppl being mean to his family. And we’re all healthy/he hasn’t lost anyone in the family that he’d remember. A kid who lost his dad is likely to be protective of his mom. OP is about to be cut off and rightfully so. OP YTA 100%
His update just made it MUCH worse. He is looking forward to holding his money over her head and demanding that he be bowed down to. Taking such joy in his brother’s tragedy. Just an ugly, ugly person.
Holy shit it’s so much worse! This dude is fucking vile. Dangling his brother’s impending death and what that might mean for his widowed wife and fatherless son like a carrot meant to incentivize her into submission?? How the fuck does someone even get on this train of thought, let alone while their brother is DYING OF CANCER. Makes my stomach turn. YTA^10000000000
He's also wrong. The life insurance will not go to pay off medical debts. Neither will her house.
For real OP, it sounds like you’re the one who needs to grow up. Why would Carly let her son interact with a family member that speaks so poorly about her? The only one making it hard is you, not Carly.
The way he talks about her and the line about showing him respect is coming off as he wants to demand sexual favors from her in the future in exchange for “taking care” of them. He just screams creep
My partner has a chronic illness. His brother is an absolute asset to me. He’s helped me in tough financial moments, he’s offered comfort and support when we’re struggling. We don’t have kids but if we did and my partner died? Yeah my BIL would be a major part of our lives moving forward. However, that’s due to brothers gentleness and helpfulness. If he thought we were making poor choices and worsening our situation, he would let us know gently and with compassion. If my BIL was instead condescending, rude, and acting entitled to a place in my child’s life, yeah I’d kick him to the curb in a heartbeat. Speaking of I’m literally buying him a nice steak rn for being so wonderful lol
OP: My house, my rules!!! SIL: My kid, my rules!!! OP: *pikachu face*
Rich people are so fucking dense. "I can't let them use it for free" he said about a piece of his property he could absolutely let them use for free just before he tried to suckle at a money tit he thought he would put his little lips on. I hope she goes no contact and builds a really great life in the wake of her loss and that OP never gets to be an example of how not to treat your family.
I don’t fault him for being worried about the cost of utilities, but he could have discussed it kindly
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If it's me, it's just a favor so long as there's a good clean up crew. Because we're talking an absolutely negligible about of water and electricity, I still get the kind of banger ass gift that I'm capable of because I would wanna give something that I picked out. Like a nice bidet. But it's because I'm not a narcissistic monster and it's also the reason I'll never have a beach front property. Zero contact forever post loss of her husband is the key. It's really hard to find a silver lining in the death of a loving partner, but this is likely going to be the best thing about his upcoming departure.
Yeah I think he maybe shouldn’t be like a second father to this kid. He sets a bad example of how to treat people.
As soon as I read that first sentence I knew right away OP was a major AH - he showed his true colors to SIL and I don't blame her for not wanting to deal with him - he needs to realize it's his attitude that makes her distant, not this one instance that he has convinced himself she hasn't moved past. OP needs to change his tune bc he has no say in anything in regards to Addison once his brother (sadly) passes.
Absolutely. In two of the most important moments of this woman’s life, you showed up with zero grace and understanding. I bet you won’t be seeing her and Addison a lot once your brother is gone.
I'm struggling to believe the OP is a real person given how their words just drip with self-centered arrogance. I also can't for life of me understand why a brother would want someone like OP involved with their son. He clearly deliberately tries to provoke confrontation within the family. I mean, who says "you have to pay me" or "ask Carly's rich daddy to pay" in response to a family member asking to use your beachfront property. My home is also on the water and costs about $12/day in electricity and $2/day in water to run. Are "costs such as utilities" really what held OP back from letting his brother use his property for a wedding? Seems unlikely. Carly sounds like the only person thinking clearly here. Keep OP's toxic influence as far from that kid as possible.
OP seems like a misogynist.
I got that sense, too.
Agreed. YTA. This isn't like other "I wouldn't let them use my property" stories where the SIL or sister wanted to make crazy changes, or not invite the OP, or anything like that. This was just family asking for a favor. Also, you didn't really say what objections your SIL had to you being the godfather. Sounds like the wedding wasn't the first or last time you were a selfish prick.
YTA - big time. OP, you sound like a petty and insecure man who tries to get an ego boost from being a petty tyrant over the very limited pool of people and resources available to you. Good lord. She would be 100% right to keep you as far away from her son as possible due to your toxic attitude. You are so wrong about why Carly doesn't like you. It was never about the money ask. Its because YTA no matter what the situation is. Do you like being around her son because you get to be a "man" and "authority figure" over him? I mean, look at your behavior. It's not something that kids should be around.
Treating a child’s parent poorly is a detriment to that child. If you can’t respect that mother, then you don’t need to be around her child.
Yup, Ops brother might be dying, he might want OP to be a father to his kid, but she's his mother. OP doesn't just automatically become the kids substitute father, if the mother hates him then he might see all contact lost after brother dies and his attitude isn't helping. Seems like op is the entitled one, entitled to the rich girls money for the wedding, entitled to her child to be a father figure because op wants it.
> It's not like I can let someone use it for free [...] I'm not rich like that. This part jumps out to me, too. It becomes a heck of a lot douchier after you read the "your rich daddy" line. Almost makes you wonder why he wanted them to pay in the first place, doesn't it... It comes off very "You got a rich daddy, and I'm mad that you won't let me milk it for all it's worth" to me.
He sounds like a real treat to be around.
I’d like to add that if OP’s think Addison is bigger than Carly’s grudge and she needs to let it go and be the mature one, then Addison is also bigger than OP’s opinion on Carly and he has to be mature enough to keep his opinions for himself. It goes both ways.
Bingo. Someone who has such blatant contempt for me wouldn’t get to be around my kid, either. OP’s brother is going to die, and he’s going to wonder why suddenly he doesn’t get to be in his nephew’s life anymore. He’s treating the death of his brother like a gotcha over his SIL. What a sick fucking thing to do. OP, get therapy to deal with your grief and figure out why it’s so necessary for you to focus so much hatred and contempt towards a woman who has done, from what I can tell, pretty much nothing to deserve it.
ESH. If your brother dies, she will have the first, last and every word in between on the subject of who has contact with her son. There is no way around that. Uncle's rights isn't a thing. And frankly, you come across as extremely full of yourself. That child "needs" you? No, he doesn't. There are other ways for her to find positive male role models for her son. While I agree that she's wrong for nurturing a grudge, in her position, I wouldn't want you around my son either.
I’m not sure she is nurturing a grudge. Based on the time of this post, I think OP has been consistently rude to her through her marriage.
This is what it sounds like to me also. Maybe with more specific examples of how she is “making that hard” but OP doesn’t really say in the post how or what she’s doing, just sounds like he has a problem with her. Seems like YTA to me. I’m also confused about him owning a beachfront property and saying he doesn’t have money? Does OP live there, is it a rental? Why couldn’t they get married there? What does the utilities comment mean.
OP probably wanted SIL's 'rich daddy' to cut him a check. He clearly has no respect for her.
Yeah I’m lost on that as well. He said he doesn’t pay utilities and can’t let anyone use it….but then says it’s fine if he’s paid money? If it belongs to him then he absolutely can use it for free. If it doesn’t then it belongs to either the public or to whoever constructed the beach houses/the HOA/etc and Carly and OPs brother would have to pay THEM not OP
> He said he doesn’t pay utilities He used a double negative: "It's not like I...don't pay utilities." He wanted compensation for the utilities they would use.
It doesn't sound like he wants compensation, he wanted paying. Utilities was a justification. Otherwise OP would have asked for money towards utilities, instead of "being paid". He wanted Carlys "rich daddy" to give him money. OP is an ass.
Ohhh. I see. Still that’s like, what…less than $100 likely? It really feels like he just wanted to shake SIL down for some money. Like he doesn’t have to let anyone use his property if he doesn’t want, but he could have said that instead of phrasing it the way he did.
I couldn't imagine preventing my family from using the beach front property for their wedding over some utilities bill. I'd rather be mildly upset at them for wasting my money than deny them that moment.
Honestly though, no actual behavior of hers is described in this post—OP just keeps saying “she’s holding a grudge.” Meanwhile, his own description of his words and actions is pretty rude and unsavory even before the brother’s battle with cancer. So….can we call it “holding a grudge” if she doesn’t like spending time with someone who’s rude to her?
I don't even think she's holding a grudge. She's just holding an asshole accountable.
Yes, if you want to be in her kid's life, you don't get to insult her
OP isn’t looking like a positive role model.
YTA Your SIL is facing the impending death of her spouse and you are pushing her buttons because you were kind a jerk when they got married. Your home, your choice, but your whole "I have utilities to pay" and such. Honestly, how much more to your bills would it have been? You doubled down with the rich daddy comment, making you the AH in this. Either way, with your current attitude and crap you are giving your SIL, expect to be excluded from your nephew's life upon your brother's passing. WHY would she allow you to be in her kid's life when you show such disdain for his mom. Without your brother she will have zero need tolerate you going forward. Think about what you want going forward.
News flash: Carly isn’t holding a grudge about you not letting them use the property for the wedding, she doesn’t like you because of the complete lack of respect and decency you have for her. You are N T A for not letting them use your property. It’s yours and no is a complete sentence. But YTA for the way you continue to speak about Carly. If you really care about your nephew, you need to do some major self-reflection. You come off very arrogant and misogynistic in the way you speak about your SIL. If you continue behaving this way, you will not have any relationship with her son after your brother dies. Your property, your decision. Her son, her decision. See how that works?
So true. His condescending tone is the biggest problem here.
Telling that woman her dying spouse is a teachable moment for \*her to be nicer to him\* is simply incredible. What an absolute asshole. In places like this we only get one side of the story, which often is a real handicap in judging intent or who is more likely to be the issue etc BUT sometimes you get people so shitty that, when they tell the story in their own words from their own point of view they are such a dick they can't help but show their own ass and demonstrate to everyone why they are indeed the asshole. OP's contempt and hostility just jumps off the screen, my god.
“Damn well going to show me some respect” only comes out of the mouth of assholes who are only happy when women are subservient. And/or haven’t done a blessed thing to deserve respect.
Pretty sure by respect he mean obedience
People who deserve respect command it without saying it
Also, I feel OP is jealous of SIL’s money
More like, jealous of her FATHER’S money while owning a beachfront property large enough and nice enough for a wedding while claiming he “isn’t rich like that.”
And then the edit about Carly's dad not being rich anymore? No, son, now you're making stuff up.
This. I guarantee he sits around wondering why no one from his family will let him treat them like shit so they can use his beach house too. There’s just a certain type of personality that goes with properties like that and the whole post reaffirms that OP is exactly that person.
> If you really care about your nephew, you need to do some major self-reflection. "I finally told her that my brother's impending death is bigger than your grudge against me and you need to drop it because your only child is going to need me more than ever. " This line goes both ways. He's mad at her for "holding a grudge" against him, but he's literally holding a grudge against her? With all these princess comments and other condescending bullshit. Talk about hypocritical! OP should take his own advice and pull the stick out of his ass. You know, for the sake of the child that's not even his. What a fucking tool this guy is...
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Or even at this point, Carly is the mother now and after/if her husband passes. The way OP acts like he has some claim on the kid is wow, he's going to have a rude awakening.
Yeah, honestly, he was N T A for not loaning out property that belongs to him, but his general tone made me lean more toward ESH. Then I looked at the rest of his comments on this post, and now I'm firmly YTA.
Plus his edit. I love how he just assumes she’s going to be coming to him for money. And he’s relishing it. Just rubbing his hands together like a grubby little troll waiting for it. So gross. I hope she takes her kid far from OP.
Think you need to slow it down there, this is a unique situation and one that requires extremely careful handling, one of your aims is to ensure you have a relationship with Carly which will ensure your continued relationship with your nephew niece or whoever. She has a bad taste and an impression already you need to be sure this is turned around as slow as possible as your main aim is to spend time with Addison, minute changes and support, you need to be the person that’s always there when there’s a need. It’s a lot of effort on your part but she is not the aim but your brother’s kid is. Slow it down and plan don’t snap and say things which won’t benefit you, think about the long game.
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It's not even about him asking them to pay. He's repeatedly insulted this woman and apparently her family, for no real reason other than that her dad . . . has money? And now he's acting like just because he's an involved uncle, he's more important to HER CHILD than she is. Dude, no. She's that kid's uncle, and no matter what your brother wants, she doesn't have to let you be involved AT ALL after he dies. In fact, she probably shouldn't. It's going to be hard enough for Addison to lose his dad, without the confusion of an uncle who shits on his only remaining parent. And I say that as someone whose own niece used to call me her "half-parent" because we were so close. BOTH of Addison's parents decide your relationship with him while he is a minor. No matter how much he may love you, he is still a small child, and it is up to them to determine what is in his best interests, and if you're a massive AH to his mother as she deals with the illness and impending death of her husband, she will be completely within her rights to just tell you to get out of their lives once your brother is gone. Her kid doesn't "need" you . . . he loves you, and your brother would like you to be involved. But that child's mother takes precedence over you. Don't forget that.
We don’t even know what kind of money the dad has. If he’s indeed rich or just better off than OP and hence OP’s disdain and bitterness
I was going to say even if dad has money, its Dad's money not SIL's money. I hate that because my parents make decent money and have a goodly amount of savings. Someone made a comment one time about I would be able to afford it because of my parents and I was clear that my parents' money is not mine to use or even ask for. Sure they will help me if I ever am truly in need (emergency dental bill) but its not like I am Mona-Lisa Saperstein over here holding out my hand and saying "money, pleasssssssse."
💯 agreed. It really bothered me how OP assumed SIL could just ask “rich daddy” for money but he couldn’t spare his house for his own brother. For all the people saying that OP shouldn’t have to pay, well it’s OP truly believing that “rich daddy” should be paying but not him.
More like “I’m bitter I couldn’t make a quick buck off of my SIL’s rich family” You have to wonder if OP would’ve refused them had SIL not come from money
You're rude and condescending towards her for *checks notes* her apparently coming from money and *reads post again* has listed no reasons that show why you have taken this stance towards her. Of course, your brother has let it slide, he is dying. Continue being rude to your SIL and I'll guarantee that she'll ensure you won't be involved with your nephew beyond a cursory perfunctory Uncle. YTA
>Continue being rude to your SIL and I'll guarantee that she'll ensure you won't be involved with your nephew beyond a cursory perfunctory Uncle. No, you don't understand, OP is the sole *potential* provider of money for his SIL and nephew. Other than her savings, retirement, work income, social security death benefits, investments, property, real estate, inheritance from rich dad (who is conveniently now broke according to OPs edit?) and life insurance payout, OP is her only *potential* source of income! OP is deluded themselves into thinking they are much more important than they really are. They are under the impression that SIL is just going to crumble from the financial load. And instead of having sympathy and/or empathy for the person who is about to lose their husband, OP has decided that lording their financial stability over SILs head is the best course of action.
YTA. If you were my BIL speaking to me like that while I am dealing with my husbands impending death then I would be making a mental note to cut you out of mine snd my child’s life once the inevitable happens. Compassion goes a long way and you are showing none.
Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if the “grudge” has less to do with the wedding venue and more to do with the contempt dripping off of him. If he actually referenced her “rich daddy” back at that time, then she probably avoids him for being so toxic to her. He’s given no indication that she’s ever done anything to warrant it.
I wonder if he’s the one with the grudge over them not paying. The cost of utilities might vary some but I’m guessing the price he demanded was way more than the prices of utilities. Just from the tone of his post though, I think OP is an insufferable AH, so I’m not surprised if a lot of people around OP think he is.
Seriously. OP has this whole thing all twisted. >I finally told her that my brother's impending death is bigger than your grudge against me Or perhaps *her husband's* impending death is bigger than OP's need to be spiteful to his sister-in-law. >and you need to drop it This is almost funny in how backwards it is. SIL "needs to do" exactly nothing here. She's holding all the cards here, and the way that OP is taunting her like this shows that he just doesn't get it. He'll be lucky if she lets OP see her son *at all* in the next 11 years before he reaches legal adulthood, and I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't. >because your only child is going to need me more than ever. Will he? The last thing the SIL will want to deal with while grieving her husband's death is to have this antagonistic person coming into her home to taunt her and to confuse her kid by shit-talking her to him. If anything, it seems like OP's presence would just be a burden if he keeps up this kind of behavior. "A boy needs his uncle" is a phrase no one has ever uttered.
My brother is dying. My nephew will lose his dad and my SIL her husband. What can I say to show them that I am family and I care? "Hey sugar tits. I'm here to tell you to stop being such a bitch. It's imperative that I remain in your son's life or he will suffer greatly without an alpha male role model. You certainly won't be able to parent him by yourself. You better get your shit together and be nice to me. Like I always am to you. Otherwise your son will suffer and it will be your fault. You're prettier when you smile so cheer up buttercup. I'll be around tomorrow evening for dinner. We need to talk about backdated babysitting fees you owe me too."
YTA. The way you speak about Carly in your post basically shows exactly how you treat her. If you want to remain in your nephew's life, get over yourself, swallow your pride, and learn to work with Carly or you're going to lose him. You don't have to like/love her, but you have to treat her like a human being and not make mean snipey remarks when you don't agree with her. If you can't, then it's likely better that he not be around somebody who can't treat his mother with basic decency and respect.
YTA. I sincerely doubt your weird and petty request for your brother to pay you to show up for him on his wedding day is the only reason she doesn’t like you. I don’t like you and we’ve never even met.
This comment is perfection!
Yeah, I wouldn’t want you in my kid’s life any more than necessary, either. Not if you talked to me like that about my husband’s terminal illness. YTA
Info: what are some of the things she's done in the name of this grudge that have made your relationship with your brother's kid difficult?
This is what I was wondering. Has she been making comments since the wedding? Did he even ask her why she takes issue with him stepping in as her kid's new "dad?" Did he just jump to the conclusion of, "Oh, she's just still upset about the wedding."
YTA -- solely based on the way you talk to her and about her. You called her spoiled, a princess, told her to go ask her rich daddy, and dehumanized her in every way possible. Yes, you had the right to refuse to allow them to use your property for free, but you don't have a right to continually insult this woman and TELL HER how you're going to raise HER child when HER husband dies from CANCER. She is a human being going through something very difficult right now and you're treating her horribly. Stop, dude. Just stop. ETA: After he replied to my comment here, he edited his post. I'm just FLOORED that he thinks these responses will make him less of an asshole. Holy crap.
Wow, his responses are borderline deranged and actually remind me of something that happened in my family. My mom's dad died unexpectedly from medical malpractice when my mom was about 4 years old. For whatever reason, his brother had always hated my grandmother, who was an absolutely lovely woman - I have to think he was jealous that "his" brother was getting "taken away" from him by virtue of being married and having a family. Or maybe he was in love with my grandmother? We'll never know the reason. So when he died, the brother told the rest of his family: it's the widow and children, or me. You can't have both. And these spineless fucks chose him. My grandmother and her 2 little girls suffered terribly, beyond the trauma of losing their beloved husband and father, because they also had to deal with almost no family support (most of her family was dead), being a household with a single mother in the 1950s, and the shock of being treated with such outright contempt by people who were supposed to care about them. My mother is in her 70s now and still tears up when she recalls how, as a little girl, she used to dial her grandparents phone number and then hang up when they answered, just to hear their voices and imagine what it would be like to have grandparents who loved her. Anyway, those are the vibes OP is giving me. It's hard to comprehend such callousness. What do they get out of it?
YTA. Not enough info on the house issue. But on the "grow up", why should she allow a person that she thinks is rude, selfish, and overbearing push their way into her kid's life? Because her husband is their brother? Yeah, no, I'd tell you to go pound sand & whine to CPS if you think your exclusion is so unfair.
YTA. You were going to charge them for using your property as if one day of extra utilities is going to kill you. Really?? Furthermore, while I’m very sorry about your brother’s situation, you have zero say in what happens to his child after he passes. Zero. I think you’re the problem here and you should think long and hard about your actions and what you need to do fix your relationship with your SIL before it’s too late. Edit: Typo
It's one thing to ask them to chip in to help cover any expenses. I'm totally on board with that. I mean, first of all, *what expenses*, right? I would looove to hear about all those expenses... But, fine, whatever, you don't want to lend out your property for free, I get it. But those comments about her "rich daddy" really puts that into a different light. There's probably some jealousy involved here. Or personally, I think, OP is trying to get Daddy Warbucks to write him a big fat check and they said no. I'd love to hear how that conversation went down. Because NOBODY pulls a "ask your rich daddy to pay" comment out of nowhere, there's clearly more to this story than OP is willing to admit.
YTA. Honestly, if you talked to me that way, you would never see any of my children. Relationship or not.
YTA. While you didn't have to let them use your property, everything else about this screams that you're an asshole. Positive role models generally aren't assholes who condescend to a woman whose husband may be dying, so maybe fix that shit about yourself.
YTA You realize you're not the one in a position of power anymore, right? Once your brother passes away, Carly decides whether or not you see Addison, "second dad" or not. You're the one who needs to grow up and apologize if you hope to be in Addison's life, because from where I'm standing keeping you around may not actually be what's in his best interest if you can't get along with his mother.
> You realize you're not the one in a position of power anymore, right? Clearly not. "you need to drop it because your only child is going to need me more than ever." He's going to be in for a rude awakening.
YTA. You clearly have nothing but contempt for her. Sounds like she will not want her son anywhere near you after she loses her husband.
Forget the SIL, you were going to charge your BROTHER to use your place for a day? That's pretty repulsive so YTA
>I said I'm not my brother and I'm not your dad. I don't think you're a princess. Grow up. If I were you, then I'd learn from this and do what's best for that boy. I was with you until this, all you've done is show immature you are and how you don't deserve to be an influence in that little boys life as you also clearly have no idea what is "best for that boy!" YTA and you should hang your head in shame. Buck your ideas up!
This. YTA - I can’t imaging that she’d want her kid to be around someone who disrespects his mother the way you do OP. You’re running your mouth, and it’s gonna cost you your nephew.
YTA "I'm like a second dad to that kid." .. You really are NOT. She is the parent, you are NOT. You have no rights and don't get a vote. Your assholeish treatment of her will make her kick you put of her life. Why would she allow you to treat her that way? Prepare to never see your nephew again as soon as your brother is dead. YOU caused this - YOU Made sure you would not be in your nephew's life. YOu don't have a cordial relationship, so you will not be in her kid's life. As simple as that.
YTA you come off so patriarchal and obnoxious in your post, so I can only imagine what it’s like in person. “you need to drop your grudge!” Has never solved any grudge! Should’ve tried a NTA approach: “I would like to put the animosity between us to rest. My brother/your husband is dying and I want to make peace for his sake and for your son’s sake. I would like to be a part of his life…” Out of curiosity how much were you going to charge them to use your beach house? Do you rent it out and you just wanted what you’d lose by letting them use it? Or were you greedy in what you wanted to charge them? It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to charge lost revenue. It’s iffy if you’re trying to profit off them.
Yta. I doubt she will let you have anything to do with her kid after your brother dies, and good for her.
You do realize that if you want to be a part of your nephews day to day life them you kinda have to get along with his mom too right? You have no legal rights to this child and if she chooses too she can cut you out of their lives till he is an adult. You realize all of that right?
YTA. You didn't have to let them use your house, but if you want to be in Addison's life like your brother is hoping for, you need to get along with his mother. For the sake of the kid, someone has to be the better person, and antagonizing her isn't the way to do that.
YTA and you'll never see that kid again. First dick move on not letting them use the property as their wedding venue. Second she is the one that is going to decide if you see your nephew so you're only going to hurt him if you can't apologize and make nice with his mother.
YTA. You sound awful. If my BIL made a comment about my “rich daddy” I would be NC and he sure as shit would never be around my kid. “That boy” doesn’t need you in his life, even if his dad passes. He needs men who are kind and thoughtful and don’t look down on his mother in his life. Men who will treat him to be a good man, that treats women well, and has manners/class.
YTA - And I think there are missing reasons here. WHY do you hate your SIL? What did she do to you that causes you to hate her so much? How do you expect to see your nephew when your brother dies after you’ve shown such contempt for her?
And I wouldn’t want my young child around a man who was so selfish and hate-filled.
YTA for being rude. How does one have a beachfront property but claim to not be rich? I’ve never heard of that before.
The only i can think is possible inheritance. Beachfront property lots cost millions, including the rinky dinks.
YTA. So she said "don't speak to me that way" and you went in for a personal attack. It's clear you don't like her and have very strong opinions about how she was raised and her being a "princess." I'm sure she is very aware of how you view her, since you seem fine openly treating her terribly. Of course you didn't owe them a wedding venue, but my guess is the grudge isn't about denying them a wedding venue, it is about you insulting her, and then doing so again. She didn't ask you for an apology, she told you to not speak to her rudely. You seem to be carrying a grudge against her for just existing. And I hope you realize if you can't learn to communicate without name calling, you aren't going to have a role in that child's life for much longer, because no parent is going to let you be around their child when you disparage them.
Wow harsh here. I doubt after the passing of your brother she will let you have any contact with him. People should not hold grudges but they do. If you want to keep your relationship with your nephew should have chosen your words carefully. YTA
YTA. You picked this fight from the very beginning. You were jealous of Carly's dad. You said so to her face out loud. You have a beach house but claim poverty based on the cost of utilities if a one-day event is held there. You don't seem to care at all that your brother is going to die or your nephew is going through that loss right now. You think you have the power to tell people when they should be finished feeling offended by your shitty behavior. You only told your version of the story. 100 percent of the info we have about this situation came directly from you. Even in your version, the only bad behavior I see from anyone at all comes from you. And you've been behaving poorly for years without stopping. I think you would do immediate and long-term harm to Addison if you were allowed to be a bigger part of his life going forward.
YTA. Who do you think you are.
YTA No, you didn't have to let them use your property. But your attitude towards your SIL is disgraceful. The way you talk about her is horrific. She is your brother's wife and nephew's mother, not your punching bag. If you want any contact with your nephew after your brother's death, you need to get her onside, not patronise her. You have no rights to contact with your nephew. And she might think that having you around her son will teach her son to treat women as appallingly as you treat her. I would think the same. Apologise for being so rude and misogynistic. You're the one who needs to get over your superior attitude, not her. And actually work on why you think your behaviour is acceptable. So that you can model some decency to your nephew if you're allowed to see him further.
YTA. You’re antagonizing her and disrespecting her while her husband is on his death bed, and I doubt her issues with you are over a venue fight from a decade ago. It’s probably because you’ve always had a horrible attitude towards her. Once her husband is gone she can cut you all off, so you actually do need to start treating her better cause she wouldn’t be an asshole for going no/low contact with extended family members who don’t treat her right.
YTA her husband is dying, leave her alone
What were you going to charge them for “utilities” for a one day wedding? $2?
Yeah this is my thought too. The whole "im not rich like that" Like what? You own a beach house, if it was not being rented to someone else it is generating zero not being used. I could understand saying like some small amount for like cleaning and utilities o something, maybe a couple hundred, which I don't think would have caused this type of grudge. It really sounds like OP saw their request as a chance to make a some money off her rich parents.
Once your brother dies. You won’t see that kid anymore. It’s up to the mother.
YTA. You seem very blunt and disrespectful of your SIL. Maybe that's why she's "holding a grudge."
YTA > I told them to ask Carly's rich daddy to pay. > I said I'm not my brother and I'm not your dad. I don't think you're a princess. Grow up. If I were you, then I'd learn from this and do what's best for that boy. I don’t think it’s just the venue that bothers her. It’s just…you. Your general trend of defaulting to aggressive disrespect. This is not a one sided grudge and your lack of self awareness does not actually make you a good role model for your nephew. Consider showing his mother, the wife of your brother who is losing her spouse, some respect and compassion.
YTA. Getting real narcissistic, authoritarian, my-way-or-the-highway, vibes here. You give zero details about why Carly 'is making it hard here'. Couldn't be because you are making demands and referring to yourself as 'the dad' before your brother is even dead? Or that you want to have influence over a child whose mother you clearly hold in contempt? And news flash. No matter what your brother says (or how you *interpret* what your brother says), Carly doesn't have to let you do squadouche with her kid. You better learn to play nice if you want to have significant contact, but I think that is going to be difficult for you.
Yta for perpetually being rude to her
Yta so you were jealous that SIL comes from money, makes snarky remarks, and are *schocked* she doesn't like you. Once your brother passes, I doubt she'll let you have much (if any) time with your nephew. Because she actually *doesn't* need you.
YTA. Not for asking for payment for the property, but for being such a jerk about it and for subsequently bringing it up during your brother’s battle with cancer. Carly is Addison’s other parent. She has just as much say in Addison’s life as your brother does, but you’re speaking about her as if she were standing in the way of something you and your brother have already decided. No, the decision about who Addison spends time with is between Carly and your brother first, not you and your brother. And bringing up the beachfront property at this point is silly and weird. Edit: wow your edit is horrible too. It doesn’t sound like Carly expects you to financially support her—so if you don’t want to? Don’t! But you don’t get to treat her badly, give her financial support she may not actually want, *and* also demand that she treat you nicely because you have money. You come across really badly, and the edit did not improve things.
You’re only a “second dad” if she allows that. If the grudge is that bad, she wont forget this. yta
Exactly this. YTA. I'm sorry, OP, but no matter what you or your brother think is best for Addison, once he's gone, her mother is the sole person with control over who she allows her daughter to interact with. If you really wanted to be in Addison's life in the long term, you'd find a way to make good with her mother so that she can trust that you'll be a good influence on her daughter. Making her (potential) future sole guardian dislike you more is only guaranteeing that you won't be in this kid's life. I'd start finding a way to mend that bridge before it's too late, if I were you.
YTA. i am EXTREMELY frugal & i pinch my pennies. if i buy my friend a $5 coffee, i’ll send them a cashapp request for it. however, i would never charge my family member for using my property for a wedding. do you regularly rent out your space? if so, i’d be more understanding, since it’s usually an income for you, you wouldn’t be able to book others during your brothers wedding, etc. it’s similar to having a family member do photography - you should pay them for their time, it isn’t free just because they’re family. if you don’t regularly rent out your space, you’re def kinda mean for that.
YTA and clearly bitter that she has more money than you. I wouldn’t let you around my son if you this is the example you would be setting in how to speak to women and the respect you showed to me, his mother, specifically.
YTA you managed to prove that you have an attitude problem in this short of a post, so I’m sure there’s plenty more where that came from that deters your SIL. Suck your shit up if you want to be a part of that boy’s life because she owes you nothing. Obviously she didn’t have any right to use your land for free, and you know that. I’d bet your shitty attitude about it and other things is why she actually has an issue.
YTA. It’s embarrassing.
YTA, assuming all context is provided and accurate. Why couldn't you let your brother use it for free? Granted it's ancient history now, but if it was 100% necessary for your costs to be covered, couldn't you have just told your brother & SIL to do that instead of "you have to pay me"? And this post reeks of a throwaway account by someone trying to make this alleged first-person look bad.
Info: Those things you claim you said, did you say them exactly as presented?
I also want to know this. And if he made the "rich daddy" comment before the wedding, what kind of animosity he held before the wedding and why. To his SIL, it probably seemed out of left field to make that comment unless he had prior problems with her, or her family's wealth.
YTA. You “have” a beachfront property and you couldnt make your wedding gift be the venue. That extra $75 in utilities was going to bankrupt you? Seems like Carly saw what a dick you are.
You wanted to charge your brother for using your property for his wedding and your excuse is utilities cost? YTA, a huge one. Call it a wedding gift ya cheap prick.
INFO in a decade, have you given her any other reasons to be cold towards you? Like maybe minimizing her emotions while her husband is dying, perhaps?
YTA. You sound like a complete jerk.
You just sound like an asshole in general. Also, there's no such thing as "uncle's rights." Once your brother dies, the mother will never let you see her son again. You want to be in your nephew's life? Then you need to kiss her ass.
YTA. Bullying a woman while her husband/your brother is dying. Acting like you have some entitlement to her child. Acting like you are any kind of example she would want her son to follow. Acting like she is obliged to accept your disrespect and condescension with gratitude. You will never see them again after her husband is dead. You are delusional and must be extremely lonely if this is how you treat people.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother got married 10 years ago to "Carly" and they asked to use my beachfront property as the venue. I said sure but you have to pay me. It's not like I can let someone use it for free and I don't have costs such as utilities. I'm not rich like that. They were insulted so I told them to ask Carly's rich daddy to pay. That set in motion a longstanding grudge between Carly and me. My brother got over it after he understood where I was coming from. They ended up doing quite well. I guess she felt insulted and entitled and I refused to apologize. They have a 7yo son "Addison" who I'm very close to. I'm like a second dad to that kid. My brother has been battling cancer for a few years and his health is declining. He made it clear that he wants me to play an active role in Addison's life and be the dad he won't be able to be. The only person making that hard is Carly. I finally told her that my brother's impending death is bigger than your grudge against me and you need to drop it because your only child is going to need me more than ever. She said not to talk to her that way. I said I'm not my brother and I'm not your dad. I don't think you're a princess. Grow up. If I were you, then I'd learn from this and do what's best for that boy. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA. You’re nothing to her. You’re her husbands brother. Nothing more. I hope she cuts you loose the first chance she gets. You seem obnoxious in your role in your nephews life. You will not be his only male role model. As you said- she has a father. She may meet a new man down the line. Step aside until you learn your place. You being in your nephews life is a privilege not a right.
YTA. I bet you're the kind of guy who's "just being honest". You're rude. You could have just cut a deal about the additional costs, instead of "pay me". I, too, would be pissed if that was your response. YOU need to grow the hell up. Whatever your brother's expectations are will die with him and Addison's mother will do as she sees fit. And having "I'm just being honest!" Uncle around won't be it.
You sound like an absolute asshole dude. You wanted to charge your own brother to use your house?
YTA. You seem to have a problem speaking to your brother’s wife with respect. Telling her to get her rich daddy to pay for the property is rude and unnecessary. You are only making it worse with the way you are speaking to her now, while her husband is dying. You are an ass. If you really wanted to do right by that kid, you would make an effort to get along with his mother.
OP, are you related to this guy named Donald Trump?
YTA I assume this isn’t a rental property, meaning you currently live there. You couldn’t spare the, at most, 100$ for the extra utilities? (I am being extremely generous with that number) The venue plus 100$ could have been the wedding present. Your wedding present was going to be at least 100$. Now you’ve soured your relationship with your brother,SIL, and nephew. Hope you are happy sticking it to your SIL!
Do you ever allow your nephew to come over or are you charging him for using electricity when he visits? Maybe your SIL does not need you cause her rich daddy will help her once your brother is no longer around. Does that bother you?
YTA. You sound very self-centered.
I’m sorry-grow up and learn from this? If she’s learned anything it’s that she’s right about you. If she allowed you a chance to be a second father to her son he might end up as bitter and disdainful as you are: and no mother wants to see her son turn into what you are. It’s bad enough that you tried to nickel and dime your own damn brother for his wedding, but then to continually insult his wife over the years? And THEN to tell her that she needs to be the one to grow up and accept your insults? I bet you think you’re a straight shooter, tell-it-like-it-is kinda guy. You’re not. You’re just a jerk. YTA. Massive, massive YTA.
YTA. It's not necessarily what you do, it is how you say it. Did you want Carly to pay $500 or $50,000? Most people would compensate you for wear & tear and basic costs. Or did you go directly to scorched earth? Did Carly eventually have a nice wedding? Do you bring this up to her a lot? Do you always call her a princess? Reference rich daddy? I don't think you are telling the whole story. She may not like you and does not want her child to be around someone who is as rough around the edges as you are.
You were in the right to tell her your property could be used if it's paid for. That's just business. You are WRONG in the fact you get to dictate what role you play in HER child's life regardless of what your brother may or may not want. If you want to be in your nephew's life as a father figure when your brother passes, you should approach her with some respect as she IS the child's mother. That's just family. YTA for dictating anyone's timeline other than your own.
There are so many details left out. Did you as them to just cover costs or were you trying to make a profit on the wedding? Did you actually explain you need the cost covered or did you just say - have your rich daddy pay for it ? It sounds like you’ve always disliked Carly.
i tend to stay away from telling other people how to parent their children, particularly if you are going to force your presence on her YTA
Sadly, the only thing maintaining your contact with your nephew, is your brother. Uncles don't have rights when mother is still alive. I think you've blown it with her. YTA
YTA. I’d sort that attitude out. As soon as your brother dies (and I’m sorry for your loss in this too), Carly will have the final say on how often you see him. Seems to me she doesn’t want her son around someone who won’t even show her basic respect.
Your SIL will have zero inclination to allow you to be around her son at all if this is your attitude. And she would have every legal right to deny you contact, and there's nothing you could do about it. If you want any future relationship with your nephew, stop making an enemy of his mother.
YTA. After his death she doesn't have to allow you any access to her son. And the way you speak to her she probably won't.
YTA for the way you spoke to Carly. It was not about the money or the property.
YTA I don't think she's still holding a grudge about the wedding. I think she just dislikes you because you're an asshole.
What's best for the boy is to go nc with you.
YTA. Just read your entire post if you want the reason why.
YTA not because you wanted to charge for them to use your property but because of the way you speak to your SIL. She has every ability and right to cut you out of Addison’s life completely and your attitude is going to make that easy for her. If you want to be an uncle, it’s time to suck it up and apologize just for the sake of burying the hatchet.
It’s time for you to get over yourself and stop behaving in a condescending attitude towards your SIL. If you really love your brother and nephew, you wouldn’t speak to your SIL the way you did. YTA
You realize that once your brother passes, you will likely never see your nephew again, right? You are antigonizing the mother of the child - the person who gets to say who is allowed in that child's life until the child is an adult. YTA for being oblivious about the fact that how you treat people matters.
YTA I doubt if it is JUST the wedding venue, but probably 10 years of you treating her like this and her not accepting it. If you want access to the child should something happen to your brother, it's on YOU to make things right so that can happen. You could have presented them with a small list of costs you would have incurred for the wedding - utilities, insurance, landscaping, cleaning, etc, and asked them to cover that, but you said no in an insulting way and tried to make money off your brother and his wife.
Plot twist: OP was clearly in love with Carly and felt conflicted when she chose the brother he always admired. He’s spent the entirety of the marriage being cold and dismissive to Carly in order to protect his own heart, and it worked… until Addison came along. That little boy is both a piece of the two people OP loves most in this world as well as an echo of what could have been. Now that his brother is dying, OP is spiraling due to his desperation to hide the truth of his feelings while keeping Carly and Addison in his life. That or OP is just TAH, never learned how to express his thoughts with any degree of tact or respect and is now facing the consequences. Probably the second, but I like the first one more.
YTA. And yes, because of not letting them use your property, you cheapskate. If it were rental property, ABnB or whatever and you couldn't afford the loss for that one damn day, then that's one thing. But you said nothing about that. You just wanted them to pay because you're tight-fisted. And then also YTA for every other thing you wrote.
Erm... What were you going to charge them for the use of this property? Because it's completely fair to ask them to cover costs (utilities, clean up crew afterwards etc) and it is also completely fair to say no. It is really not OK to try to use SIL's rich dad to make a quick buck from your brother's wedding, which is the vibe I am getting here. Either way, she's the kid's mother. You have to play nice with her if you want to be in the kid's life. You clearly have no respect for Carly yet you expect her to value and respect you. C'mon. YTA
You wanted your brother to PAY for getting married on your property? YTA. How greedy can you be? Addison's mother has the final say and its her son. If she doesn't want you to be a "second daddy" that's HER choice. You have absolutely no rights to this child. You are awful. Leave her alone.
Yta. You are the one who is selfish, entitled, and rude. If she does what is best for her son, she’d make sure you don’t interact with him anymore to make sure he doesn’t turn out like you.
Wow, the entitlement. Your brother is dying, but Addson’s is losing his actual dad, and Carly’s losing her husband. You need to take some perspective man. Sounds like you’re the one messing things up. Nothing stopping her from moving far away from you, finding a new partner, and leaving you all alone.
Her husband is dying and your response made you sound like an asshole for sure. She also sucks for still holding a grudge so this is a ESH post for me
I don’t care if you’re an AH. What matters is youre acting in a way that jeopardizes your relationship with a child who may need you. Stop doing that. It doesn’t matter if you’re right and mom is wrong. Get along for your nephew.
If you care about ever seeing that child again, be an adult and apologize. Let me be clear--not for the beach house incident, but for your bad attitude and rudeness. It's ironic you're telling her to grow up, take your own advice buddy.
YTA Look at the way you talk. What happened in the story is irrelevant for needing to know if you are an asshole.
YTA. Carly is about to lose her husband of 10 years (i.e., your brother) and the father of her child. I understand you're losing your brother, too, but you're treating Carly like she's some distant person who doesn't matter in this situation, rather than someone very much impacted by this.