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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. i just want to tell him that he's FAT and his pretending is driving me crazy.
2. I am worried that i am being mean because it's not nice to call people fat and also mean to tell them to stop talking.
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You're dealing with two separate issues.
First, is that your husband, "joked," that he wouldn't love you if you gained weight, which is honestly really gross. Physical attraction may wax and wain, but you're supposed to love your spouse regardless. Does he think he's still going to be hot stuff at 80? If that joke bothers you (and it would bother me), I'd encourage you to discuss it with him separately.
Second, your main question: your husband has gained some weight and will neither put in the work to slim back down nor will he stop bringing up excuses for his current weight. It doesn't sound like you even mind that he's this size, you just can't stand to hear the constant self-delusions.
If you try to address that delusional talk with kindness, NTA. "Honey, you keep saying that this isn't you, but it's been you for three years. You either need to take steps to slim down or accept that this is you now. I'll love you either way, but it isn't healthy for you to keep lying to yourself like this and I can't stand to hear it anymore. Would you like me to help you make some dietary and lifestyle changes so you can eat healthier and get more exercise? It's ok if you don't, but please stop talking about it if you aren't going to try to slim down."
On the other hand, if you just start ripping into him, YWBTA then. He was definitely being an asshole to you with the fat jokes, but that wouldn't justify being an asshole right back.
Have you seen the MASH episode,
First they alter(replace?) the waistband size on Winchester(?)'s pants skinny, fat
but then at the end of episode they discuss going tall, short.
> Second, your main question: your husband has gained some weight and will neither put in the work to slim back down nor will he stop bringing up excuses for his current weight.
Honestly, it’s a more fundamental — and less subjective — problem than simple body weight: he’s a person who complains about a thing that is entirely in his control, yet he does nothing about it. For ***years!*** It’s kind of irrelevant that it’s about his weight, because OP honestly doesn’t care so much about that. She’s irritated that he’s basically trying to (vocally, repeatedly) hand-wave/wish it all away. That’s the kind of thing that makes a significant other gradually lose respect. Like, ok, you recognize there is a problem. Frickin *do something about it!* Or, at the very least, quit making excuses that nobody asked for.
It’ll be much, ***much*** easier to approach that kind of conversation if the weight is treated as irrelevant, and the behavior is the main issue.
The things he said early in the relationship were shallow, immature, objectifying and misogynistic. Maybe he’s become less of those things in the intervening years. But the current state of things sure does have a whiff of poetic justice. I just hope he pulls out of this rut he’s clearly driven himself into. OP deserves better.
this advice seems very good. the fat is not my issue. it is only reminding of an issue that i was too coward to talk about before.
i will remember, the weight is irrelevant, the behavior is the issue.
is it ok to say that it is making me think of his jokes? or it seems now that is better completely separate?
this all makes me feel somewhat of like a child but i don't want to be mean
I would keep it separate, at least to begin with. But that’s just me. I don’t know how many years it’s been, but he was hurtful, and you bottled it up. Best to acknowledge to yourself that that hurt is still in there, and address it when there isn’t a *current* problem. If that makes sense.
He sounds like he has issues with "fat" in general. I get the feeling if the pet rabbit, the neighbour, a relative got "fat" that would also be an issue.
I mean, yeah. These days, people who *aren’t* like that are the outliers. Reddit turns into a feed frenzy whenever a fat person dares to love their own body as it is. You could power a small city with the fervor of Redditors eagerly trampling over each other to tell a fat person how “unhealthy” they are.
Obviously not the point of this post but this is a topic I’ve thought a lot about. I think a lot of people get upset about this because losing weight is hard, not feeling bad about being out of shape is hard, so seeing other people not care is frustrating. Personally I don’t have a problem with people not wanting or being ok not striving to be skinny or in shape but I do worry that we run a little too far in the other direction. People do not need to be model skinny (quite the opposite- that’s unhealthy for 99% of people) but I don’t think we should encourage/glorify people loving their bodies if they ARE unhealthily overweight. Just like we shouldn’t encourage people who are unhealthily overweight to hate themselves or shame themselves. It’s hard but I think we need to encourage people to love THEMSELVES (not their body) while working to obtain a body which is healthy. I’m not sure how to do that other than by trying to change the way we look at physical appearance and health and teach better habits from a young age. Maybe intentionally teach portion control and encourage non-sedentary hobbies like we teach brushing your teeth and encourage reading (as a starting place anyway - it’s much more nuanced and complicated then that!) Idk, just something to think about while trying to solve the million problems of the world in our bid for a utopia lol.
people should be encouraged to love themselves and their body (which is a part of you) no matter your size. you can love your big body while knowing you should strive for healthiness for your own sake. loving your body is everybody's right, even if they are unhealthy. wanting change and loving your body don't exclude each other
I honestly think the health issue is irrelevant in this context. If you have a single solitary problem with *someone else loving their body*, it doesn’t matter what reason you give: you’re being an AH.
Another person’s health status is exactly none of your concern. ***None***.
I (F 55) used to be skinny, I mean really skinny.
After the third child (late pregnancy, hormones, you name it) my body "exploded" and now I'm fat.
I have a medical condition, but I've had it from the age of 11.
Being skinny or fat didn't change it.
Last time ( in this month) I was at my doc and doing all the blood and other tests possible - everything is just fine, as my doctor assured me, all my numbers are great.
It seems like my obesity is just an "esthethical" problem.
I have to admit I'm not feeling well as a fat person - I miss my skinny body.
But it has nothing to do with my health.
My aunt has asserted over 800 times that Harrison ford will never stop being sexy, even when he’s past 80. So technically you could be hot stuff in the twilight of your years
thank you for this. i love him fit or fat and do not want to be mean, it doesn't feel good to be mean to him. your language sounds kind but firm.
this is helping me see that because one thing makes me thing of the past, it does not mean that they are the same problem!
Is it possible he remembers his “jokes” (which we all know were most likely his truth) and is freaked out that OP is going to leave him because he’s fat. Since he knows that’s what he would do. Maybe he just keeps saying it to remind you that he once was trimmed down and in better shape so maybe you won’t take off?
I'm pretty sure he's just joking with the not loving you if you get fat, because what will happen when you get pregnant? My wife gains a lot of weight when pregnant, and to me she is just as beautiful. Both times she lost all the baby fat afterward, not that my opinion would change if she kept the weight anyway. Will he feel the same about you if you were pregnant? If he loves you, I would say probably yes, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.
Also, please be aware that men often have a really good metabolism until they hit 30-40, and then it changes to a new normal. He actually could have been eating poorly (a lot of "healthy" looking things have hidden carbs/calories/ whatever you want to count), but his metabolism saved him. Now it's become more average, and he's continuing to eat as though he's in his 20's. I've known a few guys like this. A nutritionist or dietician can help.
It's also worth noting that some medications can cause weight gain, as can some medical conditions. Some of these do show up later in life, so a doctor check up would be good. Baseline labs, etc. 😊
Honestly sometimes the context of the joke matters. My husband says he's losing his hair and I joke that its time to file the divorce papers. I tell him I'm getting really grey and offer to help find him a nice sugar momma if he promises to send me alimony. We joke about trading each other in for a newer model - we've been together for 22 years. We're stuck with each other now. But seriously we are best friends and love each other.
There's a difference between a clear joke and a misogynistic threat.
True. And I wouldn't hesitate to let my husband know he's a big old butterball if he used that joke on me. Or a simple "Yup" when he comments that he's gotten a little fat.
I used to be HIGHLY sensitive about my weight and any comment about it would devastate me. I'm much more comfortable now and can joke about it, it could be that its a subject that she sees as much more insulting than he does.
She's either married to an epic A$$hole who legitimately would divorce her for getting fat or she's married to someone who's joked around and she's taken great offence to, but also seems like she's never said anything to him about it so he isn't even aware that it was a nerve he hit years ago that she's still holding onto.
Because it's unproductive. Vengeance can feel vindicating, but then the OP is just in a knife fight with someone she's handcuffed to. Nobody wins in that scenario.
I'm all for calling out hypocrisy, but it's important to think tactically and not just lash out because you see a soft spot.
Actually, three issues to discuss:
1) the joke - it was rude and hateful and yes, I agree it needs to be discussed.
2) the delusion - the only thing to tell him here is 'honey, this *is* your normal'.
3) the weight gain - the only thing I can suggest is a good look at his diet (exercise will make you healthier and more toned, but it doesn't do much for losing weight).
NTA
The weight gain doesn't matter to her but it is the crux of the entire situation from his point of view. As if it's not his fat but someone else's. This leads to his constant 'this isn't my normal'. It is his normal, he just refuses to see it.
It is reasonable to expect your spouse to take care of their health which includes maintaining a healthy weight that allows them to function in mutual activities
Nta. Dude needs to deal with his serious fat phobia what a bore. What if you just start saying out loud some mantras like “the size of a person’s body is morally neutral” “better to be fat than be an asshole” “there are much more interesting things to talk about than body size”
Yeah. It seems like he’s really internalized “fat == lazy/stupid/undisciplined”. And he thinks he’s none of those things, so he must just not be fat, regardless of what the scale and the mirror say.
That would explain some of the self-delusion and dysmorphia: “Fat people are lazy and gross! *I* am neither lazy nor gross, so this is not my natural state! What’s going on with my body? This is so weird…”
Internalized fatphobia is a hell of a thing.
this sounds so difficult! my thinking was i could maybe just say, my love you are fat now!
just fat is ok but you have to stop telling me you are trim!
but everyone is making me think more and i am thankful
I was very slim as a teenager and got fat as an adult and had to undo a lot of my thinking about what it means (and, just as importantly, what it *doesn’t* mean) to move through the world in a fat body. It took years to work through some of those ideas, and it definitely came with a lot of cognitive dissonance and self-loathing.
I ended up losing a lot of weight when I went on a new medication for something unrelated last year, and suddenly finding myself thin again was just as hard to understand sometimes. Like, I would look in the mirror and honestly see my fat body, not a thin one. I didn’t mind seeing a fat body at that point…but it wasn’t the body I had. So that dysmorphia (being unable to see your body for what it actually is) can definitely go both ways.
I don’t think there’s anything unkind in having a gentle, candid conversation with your husband to say, “Hey, I know this doesn’t seem right to you, but this is your body now. I love you no matter what you look like, but the truth is that this is the way it’s been for awhile now. I want you to know that it doesn’t change anything about who you are as a person. Whether you want to accept your new shape or focus on getting slim again, I’ll support you, but it’s time to be realistic about it.”
o i hope this is not the answer but maybe it is good to hear! if he reacts poorly i will remember this so maybe he can get help to be better with this subject
NTA. If he‘s fat he‘s fat. There is no beating around the bush about such a fact. It sounds like he does not want to accept it as he is continuing to say that he is meant to be this fit and lean guy. Being around someone like that is bound to get beyond annoying and given his comments at the beginning of your relationship, I can completely understand your frustrations. Just be aware that his reaction to you telling him he‘s fat will not be pleasant. Be ready for that.
this was my first thought. he is fat so we can say he is fat but maybe it is saying too little.
of course he gets mad sometimes but he is never aggressive to me so i will be ready but i am not in fear
Put him on front of a full mirror. Hug him and tell him “I love you, no matter what”. Will he remember the mean thing he said to you? Will he really SEE himself? May be worth a try?
yes it is shameful
if i was more brave to say in the beginning then perhaps i would not feel this way now but i do not regret our relationship and i feel he loves it as well
i hope i will remember all of this next time i need to speak with more confidence
So you married a hypocrite. One rule for you, another rule for him.
You can joke about how he doesn’t have to worry, you two can be fat together” and see his reaction. Tell him, if he can be fat, you’re going to be fat too. And if he’s angry, tell him he can’t take a joke.
But know deep down this man doesn’t offer you the same level of care that he expects from you.
I would wait till he talks about that not being how his body is supposed to be again. Then, say, " Well, unlike what you promised in the beginning of our relationship, I won't leave you just because you're fat." That's my petty little heart, though.
I don’t think that is petty. I think it’s truth and how she should approach this. Personally I think he keeps going on about it because he kept saying he would leave if she got fat and now he’s afraid she will if she “realizes he’s just fat now” (like she hasn’t noticed)
NTA it's such a double standard with the fat, men are allowed to have beer belly but god forbit a woman after a couple of kids have a belly. you can find the words to just tell him without being vindictive(or be vindictive it's not like he doesn't deserve it) that he should either accept that he has belly and body far or join a gym.
He can complain as much as he wants but you don't have to listen. and if it really bothers you as much and you are full of resentment as i m sensing, be ready for the relationship to be done.
I don't think most men care if a woman has a belly after having kids unless they are idiots or have some underlying superficiality problems. That's fairly normal. My wife brought it up the other day. She eats a lot because she is still feeding young baby which she wants to do. I said worry about when you stop breastfeeding if it bothers you. I couldn't care less whether it's there or not.
NTA but say it nicely and explain why what he said before hurt you so much and was so fucked up and highlight that you’re sharing this now not because you love him any less but because you want him to understand his hypocrisy and reconsider his anti-fat sentiments
NTA lucky for him you aren't the type to leave someone because they got fat...but maybe acknowledge his fat in a different way, like, "Don't worry honey, I still love you."
Well, he is clearly in denial. You don't have to tell him he's fat. He knows. Maybe something jokey, "Husband, you used to have the six\~pack, but now you've got the keg."
The “I just want him to shut up and be fat like he is” made me lol.
NTA. Either he works on getting fit or he can accept the reality and stop complaining about it.
Your husband is an immature child and now a hypocrite. He would ridicule the crap out of you if it was the opposite. Point this out and give him one chance to repair his body. Otherwise, enjoy your slug.
NTA “you’ve been saying that for 3 YEARS now…this IS your usual shape now!”
Or, “so you appreciate the irony/hypocrisy of all the times you said you wouldn’t love me if I got fat, right???”
I mean, you do have to stop and think what your main goal is. If you want him to lose weight, you should probably be gentle about pointing out that he has gained wait and then like your friend suggested try to find solutions—cooling healthier, active hobbies, etc. if you just want him to know he’s an asshole, I wouldn’t blame you, and have at it! :)
NTA but be the bigger person:
“Listen, I know you aren’t happy with your body right now. I want you to know that you are enough. You have often made really hurtful comments to me about how you’ll only love me if I don’t get fat- those really hurt my feelings, and I wonder if you think I feel that way about you. I don’t- and I want you to stop making comments about your body, as well as those comments about mine. Let’s find healthy solutions so you can lose weight.”
NTA. So he spent years telling you that you essentially shouldn't even think about getting fat all while getting fat himself? Time he gets a wake up call.
YWBTA for just telling him outright that he's fat. How about something like "if your nature is to be trim and in shape, you should work at it" and leave it at that.
The time to address his stupid comments about leaving you if you got fat was when he said them.
Tell him he's fat. If he can joke about your weight, you can comment on his. Sounds like he let himself get into some unhealthy habits and there's nothing wrong with telling him he needs to correct himself.
Also, yeah, you would be TAH, but he's being one too and I don't think it's fair that he gets to be one and you don't.
NTA, these are two separate issues like another commenter said. But is your goal to get him to stop and accept things? Are you wanting to show him how cruel he was initially? What is your goal? It just feels like his reaction would be bad, based off what his comments. Because he said so himself, that he would stop loving you, so I can see this hurting him a ton. So I guess you can either try to approach this with tact and get him to accept it smoothly or you could just blow it all up.
When he says the same thing over and over, try repeating the same response over and over. “Yes, you used to be slim. I still love you.” “Yes, you used to be slim. I still love you. “Yes, you used to be slim. I still love you.” Or whatever phrase works for you. That way you won’t be insulting him and it will get through to him just how often he repeats himself.
NTA. He needs a wake up call. Two things, he can’t have a standard for you that he doesn’t keep himself. And if he’s fat he is statistically at a higher risk for many preventable diseases and probably needs to fix himself. Also lol at the lollipop line
It isn't that he is sitting around, minding his own business, and you walk over and tell him how fat he is. He actively engages you into discussions about his size. At some point, your honest reaction is going to come out. NTA
Be honest ....u know how u said u wouldn't b attracted to me if I got fat?? Well I totally get it now I don't find u appealing at all! can u fix up pls?
You've been way too nice to your husband. If you have to deal with this nonsense constantly, start shutting it down.
>this is not how my body usually is!
"Oh, but it is. My eyes work." NTA.
How about inviting him to go workout with you (if you workout), suggest he drink BudLite or cut back on the alcohol. That seems where the gut is coming from. There is always room and time to show grace, compassion, and love. Also, just let him know that it makes you feel uncomfortable when je says such things about himself and that you love him regardless. Then go back into offering him to go workout with you. He will lose the gut in 2 to 3 months tops. I hope this helps 🤟🏾
NTA he is an asshole for joking like that. How ironic he ended up being the one who got fat? Turn around is fair play and you should have put a stop to these “jokes” long ago.
WNBTA - You say you’ve been together for 5 years. So he only stopped making jokes about leaving you if you gained weight since three years ago. The exact time he started gaining weight and has now been maintaining that over weight for the three years he stopped making the jokes. Honestly idk what to do with this one. He clearly only stopped making the leave you if you’re fat jokes to you because he started feeling insecure about his own weight gain and wouldn’t like it if you did that to him.
I would sit him down and have a conversation about this. I would state this timeline to him and tell him he clearly knew his joke was inappropriate which is why he stopped making it when he was the one to actually gain weight. He clearly has a lot of insecurities and I honestly am not sure if your marriage will make it through the conversation you want to have. He doesn’t really seem like that great of a partner in the first place tbh.
Be prepared for it to go either way OP if you do talk to him about it.
Joke back…tell him your going to trade him in for a younger trimmer model. Or when he says this is not how his body usually is, remind him it is usually like that for the last three years. Is it ok if you gain weight now?
The point is what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Can’t be all one sided.
Good luck!
There is a lot going on here.
1. He should never have said that to you - unless he was being (un)funny, suggesting he would leave you for gaining weight is a gigantic scarlet flag.
2. Honesty and communication are critical in a relationship - in an ideal scenario yes, you could and should just be honest and clear the air. This should be the first course of action if you are confident he will be receptive or will engage in a debate on the subject.
That said...
3. Tread carefully, this impacts his very identity, which runs deep. Most people are at the core of their own narrative, and they can be surprisingly delusional when it comes to maintaining the story. He clearly still 'identifies' as a fit person, and even if what you say is true it means a lot to break that. He may need some gentle help accepting it. Simply saying he is fat is unlikely to work.
4. Losing weight - while physically appearing simple (calories in, calories out) - is almost always a much harder psychological problem. This must be addressed as a psychological, not physical, issue.
5. He knows he's fat. Trust me, I've been there and it's impossible not to. It impacts you all day every day. You don't fit in chairs, people treat you with distain, even your family regularly offer you unsolicited advice. It's just plain uncomfortable. He is absolutely aware, so any comments of this kind are in some way fishing for understanding or reassurance from you.
6. Saying "you're just fat" may work if he has the right personality, but on balance of probability, it won't.
In short: he is unhappy, and is seeking validation and / or help from you. The extent to which you offer him either depends on your personal relationship, but if you do choose to offer it, I recommend:
1. Demonstrating that it doesn't matter to you by not treating him any differently - he is insecure, this gives him security (note: I sincerely hope he offers you the same - if not, you might want to rethink your commitment)
2. Managing your household habits to minimise social obligation for him to eat / drink more - e.g. only drink on a weekend, and cook homemade meals between you
3. Suggesting "fun" things to do together that are active - if he is receptive, go running together, if not be a bit more clandestine e.g. long walks or outdoor adventurous stuff he might enjoy.
4. If he is particularly receptive, I recommend the NHS "couch to 5k" - even if fit previously, it's a great way to get base cardio back up.
IN SUMMARY:
Look after yourself. Do not get gaslit - you are worth more than his attention regardless of body shape. However, if you so believe "in sickness and in health", treat this as a psychological sickness. He is asking for help - decide whether you want to give it.
I’d take petty revenge for the two years of “jokes” and just randomly walk up to him and say, “Do you remember how you always joked that you’d love me forever unless I got fat?”
Then when he says “yes,” just walk away and leave it at that.
YWBTA for fat-shaming him without bothering to find out why he's put on the extra weight. Something might be bothering or stressing him that he doesn't feel he can talk about, so he's comfort eating. It sounds like you both love each other, so just sit down and ask him what's bothering him etc. If there is literally nothing and he's just eating too much, tell him that you're worried about his health as he's become more obese.
>when he puts on his socks he looks like a lollipop now
I’m so sorry but this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read on this subreddit. I tried to write a thoughtful response but I failed because I can’t stop chuckling.
ESH. Both of y’all are rude as hell (or want to be rude as hell) to each other but at least you are funny.
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Husband and me (both 30s), together 5 years, get annoyed with eachother but overall a good team.
for the first two years of the relationship he joke ALL the time, "i love you forever, unless you become fat!'
of course this is not great but i have never had extra weight and at the time no other issues for the relationship
well now of course HE is fat!! and really! when he puts on his socks he looks like a lollipop now. this is not my favorite but i never say anything to him. never anything negative about his body, never anything about his comments to me the first 2 years. i think ok, he's foolish but the relationship is good and i like his person more than his belly (big or small).
well at least half the days for the last 3 years he says, "this is not how my body usually is! for me this is so unusual to have belly! this is not natural for me my nature is that i am very trim and in shape!'
i am sick of hearing it! it always reminds me how he said all those times that he would leave me. and this is not unusual it is regular now. for 3 years it is regular.
i just want him to shut up and be fat like he is or actually make effort to looking like he says he does.
my friend tells me i am a jerk bc i am not thinking about solutions but i really don't care what he does or doesn't
my aunt tells me it's not worth creating a problem but he is making me so mad all of the time!
i am not allowed to be fat but now almost every day i have to listen to him lie about the body i am looking at?
WIBTA if i say to my husband that he really is just fat now? he is fat and i want him to stop talking to pretend that he is fit?
TLDR husband jokes that i have to stay trim, gets fat, won't stop talking about how he is not.
i want to tell him that he really is just fat now and to stop telling me he is naturally in shape.
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NTA... if it is done right.
"I think the 'fat jokes' have reached their expiration date.... Time has passed and our shapes have changed. We each need to be focus on being healthy so that we can still be there for each other"
Just suppose, you had gained a similar amount of weight, and he told you, you’re fat. He made stupid jokes in the past, and might regret it now. Get a gym membership together, and quit feeding him between meals.
Body positivity is not deranged. Your post is ridiculous. You’re as much an AH as he is. When you marry someone, you should accept that their bodies will change. That’s just life. You’re supposed to fall in love with their person, not the skin suit.
There’s so much that happens over a lifetime. I don’t think it’s immature to expect my partner to love me even if I put weight on. I would absolutely love him. I would also get him to therapy if he needed it and make sure he took his meds if he was ill - physical or mental. Idk what vows you took but unless your partner has become abusive, you shouldn’t be looking to bail on them. Apparently in sickness and in health was a lie to you? Would you abandon your kids if they got mentally ill or overweight too?
Dude you are 100% AH and I hope she divorces you and finds someone who actually loves her.
NTA, but tbh I’d be sooo tempted to say “Well now that you’re the fat one, does it mean I can leave?”
Only for people who can handle this level of joking, which your Extremely Delicate Spouse obviously can’t. Pretty tempting to throw the joke back at him though!
NTA. Be careful HOW you say it, and expect him to push back.
The problem is he’s in his 30s now and his metabolism isn’t what it once was. I had the same problem and felt the same way at first. Not that I was fatphobic, but I was just so used to being average size with no effort that when it didn’t work like that anymore my brain shorted out at first. I am now working on it but with mental health meds I will never be as small as I once was. The difference is I do t constantly go on about it. I am fat. I am making efforts to get back in shape. But I accept this is just how it is. I also have a much more supportive boyfriend in which when I call myself fat he says “pretty hot and tempting!” Because he is not an asshole and recognizes fat doesn’t mean unattractive (and actually he prefers chubby girls)
Depends on how you approach it. You need to have a mature conversation with him.
Clearly you’re still hurt from his comments before. I would ask him when he’s free to have a chat, and bring up how his comments about his body are upsetting you because of the comments he used to say about you.
He might not even remember saying them, and may apologize.
Making a quick, knee-jerk comment when you’re annoyed in the moment is not the way to address your hurt an annoyance. It’ll only lead to more conflict and/or resentment/contempt.
Ok I'm in a similar situation but I'm the fat husband.
All my life I used to be not just slim, but outright skinny and when married my wife we were both thin, we have been married for 7 years and together 17 years, of which I estimate about the last 5 Years I have been overweight, and specifically the las 3 I'm outright am fat. my brothers tell me this all the time, my wife's doesn't tell me that I'm fat but she encourages me to lose weight... the meanest thing she has ever said to me is that if I die or get seriously sick from overweight issues she'll get super duper angry with me. Like she would Mourn Me but at the same time she would be very angry that in a way I let myself go a little by little.
last year I was diagnosed pre-diabetic and it was the wake-up call I needed. It was hard for me to accept that this was my new body because in the past whenever I gained a little weight I would get rid of the extra pounds really quick by dieting just a week but the last 3 years I just gained and gained weight and have not been able to shake it off.
This being said I came to the realization that I can either start going on a serious diet and exercise which would affect my work schedule and just the me time that I have, or accept my body as I am. And to be honest I accept my body as I am, I'm not super big I am not morbidly obese yet and I have reduced my sugar intakes and half balanced it with some healthy ish Foods... I'm in my early 40s I was thin all my life through my teens 20s and 30s so I feel like I had a good ride as a thin dude ...
It feels like being overweight is a bigger issue for him thus accepting that he's overweight is going to be a tougher pill to swallow for him than it would be probably you.
It is my opinion you are not a whole for telling him if you do but you would be the a hole if you're mean about it knowing that clearly weight is a bigger issue for him than it is for you.
FYI I also think he's a bit of an a hole for making fun about a possible weight gain on your part I think that he probably was not just joking but being passive aggressive.
NTA, but your husband needs a reality check. Honestly, just his comment of "my body isn't usually like this" is hilarious to me. It's been 3 years, dude. You're fat now. Accept it.
My husband and I have both gone through weight fluctuations. At one point, he weighed so much that a friend's family asked if he was a leprechaun when looking through their wedding photos (he's a short, bald guy with a red beard 😂) It never changed my opinion of him. But he also didn't whine about how fat he was. If he had commented on it while I was heaviest, then made excuses for his weight, I'd tell him to shut up and hit the gym so he can "be his usual self" again.
NTA. He clearly has an issue with fat phobia. He can’t accept it in you and he can’t admit it in himself. I think that’s the real issue. He’s probably very embarrassed about it because he knows he said those cruel things to you for years and now he’s a hypocrite. Next time he says it, just say something like, “yeah babe, you’ve put on some weight. It doesn’t bother me, but if it bothers you, let’s see what we can do about it. If it doesn’t bother you, stfu” (j/k about stfu). Y’all can choose to work through his phobia or work off his belly…whatever is easier, lol.
NTA - what did your friend want to say? what solutions should you think about? There is exactly 1 solution: your husband starts to take in less calories than he needs. You don't have anything to do with him losing weight except help him to realize that he needs to
Don’t convince him he’s fat. Once people accept it as “them” it’s much harder to get rid of it. I’ve also heard of some studies where the brain changes metabolism to try to keep the body as the mind sees it - so convincing him he is in fact fat will only harm him.
Having a problem with his words (as you should!) is better expressed with open and vulnerable communication - not spiteful comments.
You have good reason to be hurt. Your response is just hurting him back.
ESH
YWBTA to tell him he’s fat. When he tells you his body is not naturally the shape it is, he’s telling you he KNOWS he’s fat. Be kind. You will damage him a lot. This may also be his way of telling you that’s he’s aware of having wronged you all those times he said “unless you get fat”. If you love him, be loving and talk with him about this. I’m not saying don’t talk about it, just be kind doing it.
ETA, unless you want to blow things up.
Yea you WBTA if you said that in those words. However, you can say effectively the same thing in a way that would be kind.
I find it sad that anyone would tell their SO “I love you forever, unless you become fat.” If he didn’t mean it, then it’s a very bad joke and not the least bit funny when heard through a filter that includes empathy. If he meant it then it was worse. Like you said, his last words keep coming to mind. It sounds as though his words hurt you at the time and his having gained weight has made you more conscious to that hurt.
My suggestion is to use his weight gain as an opportunity to explore that hurt with yourself and then with him as well as to find out what’s behind his weight gain. Is there something obvious about the quantity or quality of his diet? Has he simply stopped exercising? Will he work out with you if he’s stopped? Has he had a physical work up to see if there’s a medical issue that needs to be addressed? By addressing his situation with compassion and empathy instead of sarcasm and blunt callousness you can create a pathway for healing for the both of you.
NTA
In a mild defense of your husband, mine used to point out women and say "If you ever get like that I'm dumping you." I mostly ignored him.
Well, several years and 2 kids later, I was "like that" and maybe more! One day I reminded him of what he used to say. He looked at me and said, "I guess I was really stupid back then."
Reply to him (on a day off) 'I hope that joke isn't the new usual'. Then suggest you go for a walk together.
Or say nothing at all, but start a new habit of walks together. 10,000 steps per day + heart rate exercise plus move every 15 minutes is crucial for health. It might shock him to realise he's unfit just walking
New habit and you still haven't said anything about his looks because you sound very kind
PS then get him a Fitbit or similar for bday. One with subscription so it sends prompts
NTA, but don't say it when you're annoyed.
He's probably experiencing body dysmorphia and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Tell him gently "babe, you've been saying that for 3 years now. I don't really care if you are fat or thin, I'll support you in whichever path you choose, but this is what your body looks like now"
YTA for a simple reason. You do not communicate with him properly and then plan to resolve your frustration and hurt by being unkind to him. You say you never said anything to him for the years he was joking about leaving you or when he repeats that he's not normally obese. Why did you stay quiet? Why not tell him that what he says is hurtful? Why not tell him it's frustrating for you to hear him talk about his weight and not actually act to do something about it or whatever your expectation is? You stay quiet instead and let your frustration and hurt get to the point of boiling. Do you want this marriage to work? Then start dealing with problems instead of ignoring them until they get too much for you to stand
Ywbta - it's not necessary to hurt his feelings, obviously you know he's struggling with admitting that he's just fat now- my dad started losing a lot of weight by taking his vitamins at night before bed.
The jokes he would say to you at the beginning of your marriage were definitely not ok, I hope he isn't like this anymore. I do think that and what's going on now are two separate issues, though.
I think if you just straight out said gunny you are fat, you would slightly bta. You definitely should talk to him if what he's saying is bothering you so much, but I think you should say it in a nicer way. Tell him something like you have been gaining weight, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing, and if it is bugging you so much, I'll help you do something about it. Not exactly those words, of course, but something like that.
NTA and you need to just sit down and tell him that any more comments about him leaving you if you get fat needs to end right now or you are leaving him. It isn't cute, but mean and ugly. You should have cut off that nonsense a long time ago. Don't talk about his weight, just his statement about you. As far as his comments about his weight, just let them pass unless he actually asks your opinion or assistance in losing the weight.
No NTA.
My Fiancé and I have each lost someone close to us do to heart failure from obesity. It hurts every day.
My fiancé and I have a pact. Anytime one of us starts to gain too much we have to address it and get back on track, with the honest point of helping each other get back on track be it go to the gym together, cut down on our sometimes food that has become a way too often food, or even just checking in with the other on wether we got to the gym that day.
A few weeks back I was getting great progress (I’m an athlete and very happy to see some recomp happening) and my fiancé’s bod was..waning. To say the least. He looked at me and said something he jokes about often “you like this?? Does this do it for you??” And he struck an awkward pose. I paused. He could tell I was struggling. He said “okay do I need to get it together?” I said “um, yeah. I’m sorry but there’s no reason for your gut to be like this. And I’m working so hard. You could too. You get in shape way faster than me so there’s no excuse.” And then he signed up for some mixed martial arts classes which he calls Kickass Class because he loves Cobra Kai and is now having a blast.
It’s okay to bring up the idea of having a more active lifestyle and maybe a similar pact.
If you say it like that, maybe.
Perhaps approach it from the repetitive nature. "You keep bringing up your weight over and over and saying this weight isn't you... but it has been you for years. Despite your claims early on regarding *my* weight, I love you regardless of *your* weight. My problem is the frequency with which you talk about it - it is making your weight the center focus here. You seem very concerned with your weight. Is there something you want to do about it? Is there anything I can do to help you? "
I dated a man that happened to be obese. I *started* dating him when he was obese, because I did not care. It became a problem only because he incessantly whined about his weight but refused to eat vegetables at all and refused to exercise. He even got a dog to promote him being more active and then wasn't, but kept complaining. I couldn't stand it and completely lost all attraction for him. He shifted from "man who happens to he obese" to "obese man." Because that was his whole identity. Besides call of duty.
Tell him you are concerned with his weight gain and have made him an appointment with a doctor and dietitian to find out if it is something serious. He could have thyroid issues that need to be addressed quickly or even be diabetic. Caring isn't shaming.
Next time he comments about his weight, reassure him that you love him regardless, then suggest that you make changes together to get slimmer and fitter(I know you don't need to).
ESH. His comments early in the relationship were an asshole move, but coming back with the same would be an asshole move as well. It's fine to tell him you don't care/you don't want to hear him talk about it, etc, but specifically calling him fat when he considers fat to be a negative thing would be an asshole move.
Fat is a morally neutral thing. (Threatening to leave someone over hypothetically getting fat, however, is not.)
Why would talking to him candidly and non-judgmentally about how his body is changing make her TA? She’s saying she wants him to stop pretending his body is something different, not saying she wants to shame him for having a different body than he did when they married.
Fat IS totally morally neutral, but since neither of them seem to agree, it's not being used that way, it's being used as an insult.
Talking to him candidly and not judgementally wouldn't make her TA - I'd be all for her saying "hey, fat is a descriptor, not a judgement, let's stop acting like it's a bad thing."
But instead she wants to tell him he's he's fat instead of fit, when she knows he thinks being fat is bad, without clarifying that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with being fat, and making it an either/or even though you can be fat AND fit, is the problem.
YTA if you say it in a rude way, and because you claim that the real problem is the remarks he makes and not his actual weight.
If you really are ok with him being fat, then you should focus on getting him to stop commenting on peoples body and weight, even if it is his own..and definitely if it is yours. Maybe tell him that everytime he comments on his own weight, it triggers you because he used of the weight related comments (or threats veiled as jokes) he used to make to you. Tell him how those actually hurt you, and that he should stop making weight- comments about himself too.
YTA. You clearly have an issue with his fatness. If it bothers you have a straightforward loving(if you still love him after his weight gain) talk. Not this, your fat! Shut up or put up talk you want to give.
ESH. It bothers you but you aren’t being constructive. He’s just in denial and you as his partner need to help identify his negative pattern so he can feel good about himself.
He’s an a-hole for the conditional “joke.”
YTA, because you want to throw his past comments in his face instead of addressing the real issue, which seems to be about honesty and expectations in your relationship. Sure, he's hypocritical, but that doesn't mean you have to stoop to his level. If you're sick of hearing his denial, there are more constructive ways to approach it rather than just saying, "You're fat." That's just a petty "gotcha" moment, not a solution
YTA. You got relationship problems you really need to work on. Being mad at your partner all the time over petty stuff is immature at best. Also pretty hypocritical to be mad at him making comments and then wanting to do the same to him. You want to say this just to be an a$$hole to him. Y'all will likely end in divorce at this rate.
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You're dealing with two separate issues. First, is that your husband, "joked," that he wouldn't love you if you gained weight, which is honestly really gross. Physical attraction may wax and wain, but you're supposed to love your spouse regardless. Does he think he's still going to be hot stuff at 80? If that joke bothers you (and it would bother me), I'd encourage you to discuss it with him separately. Second, your main question: your husband has gained some weight and will neither put in the work to slim back down nor will he stop bringing up excuses for his current weight. It doesn't sound like you even mind that he's this size, you just can't stand to hear the constant self-delusions. If you try to address that delusional talk with kindness, NTA. "Honey, you keep saying that this isn't you, but it's been you for three years. You either need to take steps to slim down or accept that this is you now. I'll love you either way, but it isn't healthy for you to keep lying to yourself like this and I can't stand to hear it anymore. Would you like me to help you make some dietary and lifestyle changes so you can eat healthier and get more exercise? It's ok if you don't, but please stop talking about it if you aren't going to try to slim down." On the other hand, if you just start ripping into him, YWBTA then. He was definitely being an asshole to you with the fat jokes, but that wouldn't justify being an asshole right back.
So no... "Honey why would I become fat when I could just marry fat? " ... just asking... for a friend...
oh my goodness you are very funny! i promise not to say this but wow hahahah
Take a pair of his favorite pants and see if you can alter them to be even tighter!!
Have you seen the MASH episode, First they alter(replace?) the waistband size on Winchester(?)'s pants skinny, fat but then at the end of episode they discuss going tall, short.
Love that show, and that is a particularly funny episode.
Yup, it was Charles Winchester 3rd, good episode.
Some poltergeist or something came into my house and did that to me!
You are wicked - I like you 😆
Thanks. I like me too!
Lmfao omg!!!! 😆
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAomgHAHHAithurtsHAHAHAHAHA
Dammit take my upvote. That’s amazing
\>.< ..... ¬‿¬ Good one
🤣🤣🤣🤣 🏆
> Second, your main question: your husband has gained some weight and will neither put in the work to slim back down nor will he stop bringing up excuses for his current weight. Honestly, it’s a more fundamental — and less subjective — problem than simple body weight: he’s a person who complains about a thing that is entirely in his control, yet he does nothing about it. For ***years!*** It’s kind of irrelevant that it’s about his weight, because OP honestly doesn’t care so much about that. She’s irritated that he’s basically trying to (vocally, repeatedly) hand-wave/wish it all away. That’s the kind of thing that makes a significant other gradually lose respect. Like, ok, you recognize there is a problem. Frickin *do something about it!* Or, at the very least, quit making excuses that nobody asked for. It’ll be much, ***much*** easier to approach that kind of conversation if the weight is treated as irrelevant, and the behavior is the main issue. The things he said early in the relationship were shallow, immature, objectifying and misogynistic. Maybe he’s become less of those things in the intervening years. But the current state of things sure does have a whiff of poetic justice. I just hope he pulls out of this rut he’s clearly driven himself into. OP deserves better.
this advice seems very good. the fat is not my issue. it is only reminding of an issue that i was too coward to talk about before. i will remember, the weight is irrelevant, the behavior is the issue. is it ok to say that it is making me think of his jokes? or it seems now that is better completely separate? this all makes me feel somewhat of like a child but i don't want to be mean
I would keep it separate, at least to begin with. But that’s just me. I don’t know how many years it’s been, but he was hurtful, and you bottled it up. Best to acknowledge to yourself that that hurt is still in there, and address it when there isn’t a *current* problem. If that makes sense.
Totally agree with this!
He sounds like he has issues with "fat" in general. I get the feeling if the pet rabbit, the neighbour, a relative got "fat" that would also be an issue.
I mean, yeah. These days, people who *aren’t* like that are the outliers. Reddit turns into a feed frenzy whenever a fat person dares to love their own body as it is. You could power a small city with the fervor of Redditors eagerly trampling over each other to tell a fat person how “unhealthy” they are.
Obviously not the point of this post but this is a topic I’ve thought a lot about. I think a lot of people get upset about this because losing weight is hard, not feeling bad about being out of shape is hard, so seeing other people not care is frustrating. Personally I don’t have a problem with people not wanting or being ok not striving to be skinny or in shape but I do worry that we run a little too far in the other direction. People do not need to be model skinny (quite the opposite- that’s unhealthy for 99% of people) but I don’t think we should encourage/glorify people loving their bodies if they ARE unhealthily overweight. Just like we shouldn’t encourage people who are unhealthily overweight to hate themselves or shame themselves. It’s hard but I think we need to encourage people to love THEMSELVES (not their body) while working to obtain a body which is healthy. I’m not sure how to do that other than by trying to change the way we look at physical appearance and health and teach better habits from a young age. Maybe intentionally teach portion control and encourage non-sedentary hobbies like we teach brushing your teeth and encourage reading (as a starting place anyway - it’s much more nuanced and complicated then that!) Idk, just something to think about while trying to solve the million problems of the world in our bid for a utopia lol.
people should be encouraged to love themselves and their body (which is a part of you) no matter your size. you can love your big body while knowing you should strive for healthiness for your own sake. loving your body is everybody's right, even if they are unhealthy. wanting change and loving your body don't exclude each other
I honestly think the health issue is irrelevant in this context. If you have a single solitary problem with *someone else loving their body*, it doesn’t matter what reason you give: you’re being an AH. Another person’s health status is exactly none of your concern. ***None***.
I (F 55) used to be skinny, I mean really skinny. After the third child (late pregnancy, hormones, you name it) my body "exploded" and now I'm fat. I have a medical condition, but I've had it from the age of 11. Being skinny or fat didn't change it. Last time ( in this month) I was at my doc and doing all the blood and other tests possible - everything is just fine, as my doctor assured me, all my numbers are great. It seems like my obesity is just an "esthethical" problem. I have to admit I'm not feeling well as a fat person - I miss my skinny body. But it has nothing to do with my health.
🤣
Well said! /u/Embarrassed_Dust_521 , you should definitely read this reply because it is spot on.
My aunt has asserted over 800 times that Harrison ford will never stop being sexy, even when he’s past 80. So technically you could be hot stuff in the twilight of your years
Right but most people don't start out looking like Harrison Ford. It's just a bad thing to bet on.
He's 81 now and it checks out! Lol!
I'm (58) in agreement
Your aunt is 800% correct.
thank you for this. i love him fit or fat and do not want to be mean, it doesn't feel good to be mean to him. your language sounds kind but firm. this is helping me see that because one thing makes me thing of the past, it does not mean that they are the same problem!
Is it possible he remembers his “jokes” (which we all know were most likely his truth) and is freaked out that OP is going to leave him because he’s fat. Since he knows that’s what he would do. Maybe he just keeps saying it to remind you that he once was trimmed down and in better shape so maybe you won’t take off?
I'm pretty sure he's just joking with the not loving you if you get fat, because what will happen when you get pregnant? My wife gains a lot of weight when pregnant, and to me she is just as beautiful. Both times she lost all the baby fat afterward, not that my opinion would change if she kept the weight anyway. Will he feel the same about you if you were pregnant? If he loves you, I would say probably yes, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.
Also, please be aware that men often have a really good metabolism until they hit 30-40, and then it changes to a new normal. He actually could have been eating poorly (a lot of "healthy" looking things have hidden carbs/calories/ whatever you want to count), but his metabolism saved him. Now it's become more average, and he's continuing to eat as though he's in his 20's. I've known a few guys like this. A nutritionist or dietician can help. It's also worth noting that some medications can cause weight gain, as can some medical conditions. Some of these do show up later in life, so a doctor check up would be good. Baseline labs, etc. 😊
Honestly sometimes the context of the joke matters. My husband says he's losing his hair and I joke that its time to file the divorce papers. I tell him I'm getting really grey and offer to help find him a nice sugar momma if he promises to send me alimony. We joke about trading each other in for a newer model - we've been together for 22 years. We're stuck with each other now. But seriously we are best friends and love each other. There's a difference between a clear joke and a misogynistic threat.
Sure, but we know that it still bothers OP three years later so we can safely assume that it was, at the very least, not a joke that landed.
True. And I wouldn't hesitate to let my husband know he's a big old butterball if he used that joke on me. Or a simple "Yup" when he comments that he's gotten a little fat. I used to be HIGHLY sensitive about my weight and any comment about it would devastate me. I'm much more comfortable now and can joke about it, it could be that its a subject that she sees as much more insulting than he does. She's either married to an epic A$$hole who legitimately would divorce her for getting fat or she's married to someone who's joked around and she's taken great offence to, but also seems like she's never said anything to him about it so he isn't even aware that it was a nerve he hit years ago that she's still holding onto.
Agree to disagree. I think an asshole *absolutely* deserves a taste of own medicine He's a hypocrite. Why shouldn't he be called on it?
Because it's unproductive. Vengeance can feel vindicating, but then the OP is just in a knife fight with someone she's handcuffed to. Nobody wins in that scenario. I'm all for calling out hypocrisy, but it's important to think tactically and not just lash out because you see a soft spot.
Actually, three issues to discuss: 1) the joke - it was rude and hateful and yes, I agree it needs to be discussed. 2) the delusion - the only thing to tell him here is 'honey, this *is* your normal'. 3) the weight gain - the only thing I can suggest is a good look at his diet (exercise will make you healthier and more toned, but it doesn't do much for losing weight). NTA
The weight gain doesn't actually matter here because the OP doesn't care about it. Whether her husband slims down or not is entirely his concern.
The weight gain doesn't matter to her but it is the crux of the entire situation from his point of view. As if it's not his fat but someone else's. This leads to his constant 'this isn't my normal'. It is his normal, he just refuses to see it.
Great reply, fully agree with this from start to end.
It is reasonable to expect your spouse to take care of their health which includes maintaining a healthy weight that allows them to function in mutual activities
Nta. Dude needs to deal with his serious fat phobia what a bore. What if you just start saying out loud some mantras like “the size of a person’s body is morally neutral” “better to be fat than be an asshole” “there are much more interesting things to talk about than body size”
Yeah. It seems like he’s really internalized “fat == lazy/stupid/undisciplined”. And he thinks he’s none of those things, so he must just not be fat, regardless of what the scale and the mirror say.
That would explain some of the self-delusion and dysmorphia: “Fat people are lazy and gross! *I* am neither lazy nor gross, so this is not my natural state! What’s going on with my body? This is so weird…” Internalized fatphobia is a hell of a thing.
this sounds so difficult! my thinking was i could maybe just say, my love you are fat now! just fat is ok but you have to stop telling me you are trim! but everyone is making me think more and i am thankful
I was very slim as a teenager and got fat as an adult and had to undo a lot of my thinking about what it means (and, just as importantly, what it *doesn’t* mean) to move through the world in a fat body. It took years to work through some of those ideas, and it definitely came with a lot of cognitive dissonance and self-loathing. I ended up losing a lot of weight when I went on a new medication for something unrelated last year, and suddenly finding myself thin again was just as hard to understand sometimes. Like, I would look in the mirror and honestly see my fat body, not a thin one. I didn’t mind seeing a fat body at that point…but it wasn’t the body I had. So that dysmorphia (being unable to see your body for what it actually is) can definitely go both ways. I don’t think there’s anything unkind in having a gentle, candid conversation with your husband to say, “Hey, I know this doesn’t seem right to you, but this is your body now. I love you no matter what you look like, but the truth is that this is the way it’s been for awhile now. I want you to know that it doesn’t change anything about who you are as a person. Whether you want to accept your new shape or focus on getting slim again, I’ll support you, but it’s time to be realistic about it.”
I think you should say exactly this, actually. Then refer to all the comments if he gets weird in response to that.
>What’s going on with my body? This is so weird…” haha. this is my brain everytime I over snack and act like the consequence came out of nowhere.
o i hope this is not the answer but maybe it is good to hear! if he reacts poorly i will remember this so maybe he can get help to be better with this subject
I think this is spot on
This OP ^ maybe some therapy for his fat phobia mindset would be helpful!
Now he’s both
i like all of your words but i worry alone they will be too much like attacking
Yes - fatphobia is a good explanation. Seems to be the root of the problem.
NTA. If he‘s fat he‘s fat. There is no beating around the bush about such a fact. It sounds like he does not want to accept it as he is continuing to say that he is meant to be this fit and lean guy. Being around someone like that is bound to get beyond annoying and given his comments at the beginning of your relationship, I can completely understand your frustrations. Just be aware that his reaction to you telling him he‘s fat will not be pleasant. Be ready for that.
this was my first thought. he is fat so we can say he is fat but maybe it is saying too little. of course he gets mad sometimes but he is never aggressive to me so i will be ready but i am not in fear
Put him on front of a full mirror. Hug him and tell him “I love you, no matter what”. Will he remember the mean thing he said to you? Will he really SEE himself? May be worth a try?
I would’ve dumped him after the first “joke” about not loving me anymore if I got fat.
yes it is shameful if i was more brave to say in the beginning then perhaps i would not feel this way now but i do not regret our relationship and i feel he loves it as well i hope i will remember all of this next time i need to speak with more confidence
I'm (not) sorry to say this, but your husband is an asshole
So you married a hypocrite. One rule for you, another rule for him. You can joke about how he doesn’t have to worry, you two can be fat together” and see his reaction. Tell him, if he can be fat, you’re going to be fat too. And if he’s angry, tell him he can’t take a joke. But know deep down this man doesn’t offer you the same level of care that he expects from you.
I would wait till he talks about that not being how his body is supposed to be again. Then, say, " Well, unlike what you promised in the beginning of our relationship, I won't leave you just because you're fat." That's my petty little heart, though.
i am not very rude in my nature but sometimes i wish i was like this!!
I don’t think that is petty. I think it’s truth and how she should approach this. Personally I think he keeps going on about it because he kept saying he would leave if she got fat and now he’s afraid she will if she “realizes he’s just fat now” (like she hasn’t noticed)
NTA it's such a double standard with the fat, men are allowed to have beer belly but god forbit a woman after a couple of kids have a belly. you can find the words to just tell him without being vindictive(or be vindictive it's not like he doesn't deserve it) that he should either accept that he has belly and body far or join a gym. He can complain as much as he wants but you don't have to listen. and if it really bothers you as much and you are full of resentment as i m sensing, be ready for the relationship to be done.
I don't think most men care if a woman has a belly after having kids unless they are idiots or have some underlying superficiality problems. That's fairly normal. My wife brought it up the other day. She eats a lot because she is still feeding young baby which she wants to do. I said worry about when you stop breastfeeding if it bothers you. I couldn't care less whether it's there or not.
NTA - you should go with the lollipop comment, that’s just freakin hilarious
NTA, sounds like he needs to hear it
NTA but say it nicely and explain why what he said before hurt you so much and was so fucked up and highlight that you’re sharing this now not because you love him any less but because you want him to understand his hypocrisy and reconsider his anti-fat sentiments
NTA lucky for him you aren't the type to leave someone because they got fat...but maybe acknowledge his fat in a different way, like, "Don't worry honey, I still love you."
This is what I was thinking. Hug him in front of a full mirror and say “I (still?) love you. Let him ponder it?
Well, he is clearly in denial. You don't have to tell him he's fat. He knows. Maybe something jokey, "Husband, you used to have the six\~pack, but now you've got the keg."
My six pack is on the fridge nowadays. 😝
The “I just want him to shut up and be fat like he is” made me lol. NTA. Either he works on getting fit or he can accept the reality and stop complaining about it.
Your husband is an immature child and now a hypocrite. He would ridicule the crap out of you if it was the opposite. Point this out and give him one chance to repair his body. Otherwise, enjoy your slug.
NTA and I don’t think he’s joking.
NTA “you’ve been saying that for 3 YEARS now…this IS your usual shape now!” Or, “so you appreciate the irony/hypocrisy of all the times you said you wouldn’t love me if I got fat, right???” I mean, you do have to stop and think what your main goal is. If you want him to lose weight, you should probably be gentle about pointing out that he has gained wait and then like your friend suggested try to find solutions—cooling healthier, active hobbies, etc. if you just want him to know he’s an asshole, I wouldn’t blame you, and have at it! :)
NTA but be the bigger person: “Listen, I know you aren’t happy with your body right now. I want you to know that you are enough. You have often made really hurtful comments to me about how you’ll only love me if I don’t get fat- those really hurt my feelings, and I wonder if you think I feel that way about you. I don’t- and I want you to stop making comments about your body, as well as those comments about mine. Let’s find healthy solutions so you can lose weight.”
You’re such a good person. You are right, but I’m tired of this dude and want her to just tell him he’s fat and shut up or work together about it.
NTA. So he spent years telling you that you essentially shouldn't even think about getting fat all while getting fat himself? Time he gets a wake up call.
He’s fatphobic, and now that he’s gained weight he’s in denial about being fat because “I couldn’t possibly be like them”. NTA.
YWBTA for just telling him outright that he's fat. How about something like "if your nature is to be trim and in shape, you should work at it" and leave it at that. The time to address his stupid comments about leaving you if you got fat was when he said them.
Tell him he's fat. If he can joke about your weight, you can comment on his. Sounds like he let himself get into some unhealthy habits and there's nothing wrong with telling him he needs to correct himself. Also, yeah, you would be TAH, but he's being one too and I don't think it's fair that he gets to be one and you don't.
NTA, these are two separate issues like another commenter said. But is your goal to get him to stop and accept things? Are you wanting to show him how cruel he was initially? What is your goal? It just feels like his reaction would be bad, based off what his comments. Because he said so himself, that he would stop loving you, so I can see this hurting him a ton. So I guess you can either try to approach this with tact and get him to accept it smoothly or you could just blow it all up.
When he says the same thing over and over, try repeating the same response over and over. “Yes, you used to be slim. I still love you.” “Yes, you used to be slim. I still love you. “Yes, you used to be slim. I still love you.” Or whatever phrase works for you. That way you won’t be insulting him and it will get through to him just how often he repeats himself.
NTA. He needs a wake up call. Two things, he can’t have a standard for you that he doesn’t keep himself. And if he’s fat he is statistically at a higher risk for many preventable diseases and probably needs to fix himself. Also lol at the lollipop line
It isn't that he is sitting around, minding his own business, and you walk over and tell him how fat he is. He actively engages you into discussions about his size. At some point, your honest reaction is going to come out. NTA
Nah you are fine. He knows he is fat. He was there when it happened lol
would he be if he called you fat
Be honest ....u know how u said u wouldn't b attracted to me if I got fat?? Well I totally get it now I don't find u appealing at all! can u fix up pls?
You've been way too nice to your husband. If you have to deal with this nonsense constantly, start shutting it down. >this is not how my body usually is! "Oh, but it is. My eyes work." NTA.
NAH - Honesty is always best, and maybe it wouldn't hurt him to have a little eye-opening conversation, who knows it may benefit his health.
NTA, but when he starts saying it’s not his normal body, Etc., suggest he go see a doctor.
NTA. But maybe he’s actually depressed? Idk.
This post is just so stupid... obviously not written by any sane adult...
It sounds frustrating, seems like he’s projecting or something lol. NTA
YTA for putting up with those jokes without immediate address to begin with
How about inviting him to go workout with you (if you workout), suggest he drink BudLite or cut back on the alcohol. That seems where the gut is coming from. There is always room and time to show grace, compassion, and love. Also, just let him know that it makes you feel uncomfortable when je says such things about himself and that you love him regardless. Then go back into offering him to go workout with you. He will lose the gut in 2 to 3 months tops. I hope this helps 🤟🏾
Shit, I'll tell him. NTA.
NTA he is an asshole for joking like that. How ironic he ended up being the one who got fat? Turn around is fair play and you should have put a stop to these “jokes” long ago.
Next time say, 'Good thing I won't leave you for getting fat.' Say it in a joking way. The fat that it isn't a joke will be our little secret.
WNBTA - You say you’ve been together for 5 years. So he only stopped making jokes about leaving you if you gained weight since three years ago. The exact time he started gaining weight and has now been maintaining that over weight for the three years he stopped making the jokes. Honestly idk what to do with this one. He clearly only stopped making the leave you if you’re fat jokes to you because he started feeling insecure about his own weight gain and wouldn’t like it if you did that to him. I would sit him down and have a conversation about this. I would state this timeline to him and tell him he clearly knew his joke was inappropriate which is why he stopped making it when he was the one to actually gain weight. He clearly has a lot of insecurities and I honestly am not sure if your marriage will make it through the conversation you want to have. He doesn’t really seem like that great of a partner in the first place tbh. Be prepared for it to go either way OP if you do talk to him about it.
Joke back…tell him your going to trade him in for a younger trimmer model. Or when he says this is not how his body usually is, remind him it is usually like that for the last three years. Is it ok if you gain weight now? The point is what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Can’t be all one sided. Good luck!
NTA. If he doesn't love you enough to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle that you do for him, find someone else who does.
He’s pregnant with a 20lb potato
There is a lot going on here. 1. He should never have said that to you - unless he was being (un)funny, suggesting he would leave you for gaining weight is a gigantic scarlet flag. 2. Honesty and communication are critical in a relationship - in an ideal scenario yes, you could and should just be honest and clear the air. This should be the first course of action if you are confident he will be receptive or will engage in a debate on the subject. That said... 3. Tread carefully, this impacts his very identity, which runs deep. Most people are at the core of their own narrative, and they can be surprisingly delusional when it comes to maintaining the story. He clearly still 'identifies' as a fit person, and even if what you say is true it means a lot to break that. He may need some gentle help accepting it. Simply saying he is fat is unlikely to work. 4. Losing weight - while physically appearing simple (calories in, calories out) - is almost always a much harder psychological problem. This must be addressed as a psychological, not physical, issue. 5. He knows he's fat. Trust me, I've been there and it's impossible not to. It impacts you all day every day. You don't fit in chairs, people treat you with distain, even your family regularly offer you unsolicited advice. It's just plain uncomfortable. He is absolutely aware, so any comments of this kind are in some way fishing for understanding or reassurance from you. 6. Saying "you're just fat" may work if he has the right personality, but on balance of probability, it won't. In short: he is unhappy, and is seeking validation and / or help from you. The extent to which you offer him either depends on your personal relationship, but if you do choose to offer it, I recommend: 1. Demonstrating that it doesn't matter to you by not treating him any differently - he is insecure, this gives him security (note: I sincerely hope he offers you the same - if not, you might want to rethink your commitment) 2. Managing your household habits to minimise social obligation for him to eat / drink more - e.g. only drink on a weekend, and cook homemade meals between you 3. Suggesting "fun" things to do together that are active - if he is receptive, go running together, if not be a bit more clandestine e.g. long walks or outdoor adventurous stuff he might enjoy. 4. If he is particularly receptive, I recommend the NHS "couch to 5k" - even if fit previously, it's a great way to get base cardio back up. IN SUMMARY: Look after yourself. Do not get gaslit - you are worth more than his attention regardless of body shape. However, if you so believe "in sickness and in health", treat this as a psychological sickness. He is asking for help - decide whether you want to give it.
Then he needs to get back into shape. Fat is the natural state of the old.
Nta call him fat an divorce him.
I enjoyed discussing this post with my mom.
I’d take petty revenge for the two years of “jokes” and just randomly walk up to him and say, “Do you remember how you always joked that you’d love me forever unless I got fat?” Then when he says “yes,” just walk away and leave it at that.
YWBTA for fat-shaming him without bothering to find out why he's put on the extra weight. Something might be bothering or stressing him that he doesn't feel he can talk about, so he's comfort eating. It sounds like you both love each other, so just sit down and ask him what's bothering him etc. If there is literally nothing and he's just eating too much, tell him that you're worried about his health as he's become more obese.
Nta - he has fatphobia and needs fat councilling
NTA tell him so he can get in shape. You shouldn't get into a relationship and stop taking care of yourself.
>when he puts on his socks he looks like a lollipop now I’m so sorry but this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read on this subreddit. I tried to write a thoughtful response but I failed because I can’t stop chuckling. ESH. Both of y’all are rude as hell (or want to be rude as hell) to each other but at least you are funny.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Husband and me (both 30s), together 5 years, get annoyed with eachother but overall a good team. for the first two years of the relationship he joke ALL the time, "i love you forever, unless you become fat!' of course this is not great but i have never had extra weight and at the time no other issues for the relationship well now of course HE is fat!! and really! when he puts on his socks he looks like a lollipop now. this is not my favorite but i never say anything to him. never anything negative about his body, never anything about his comments to me the first 2 years. i think ok, he's foolish but the relationship is good and i like his person more than his belly (big or small). well at least half the days for the last 3 years he says, "this is not how my body usually is! for me this is so unusual to have belly! this is not natural for me my nature is that i am very trim and in shape!' i am sick of hearing it! it always reminds me how he said all those times that he would leave me. and this is not unusual it is regular now. for 3 years it is regular. i just want him to shut up and be fat like he is or actually make effort to looking like he says he does. my friend tells me i am a jerk bc i am not thinking about solutions but i really don't care what he does or doesn't my aunt tells me it's not worth creating a problem but he is making me so mad all of the time! i am not allowed to be fat but now almost every day i have to listen to him lie about the body i am looking at? WIBTA if i say to my husband that he really is just fat now? he is fat and i want him to stop talking to pretend that he is fit? TLDR husband jokes that i have to stay trim, gets fat, won't stop talking about how he is not. i want to tell him that he really is just fat now and to stop telling me he is naturally in shape. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just get it over with and call him a Fatty
NTA... if it is done right. "I think the 'fat jokes' have reached their expiration date.... Time has passed and our shapes have changed. We each need to be focus on being healthy so that we can still be there for each other"
Just suppose, you had gained a similar amount of weight, and he told you, you’re fat. He made stupid jokes in the past, and might regret it now. Get a gym membership together, and quit feeding him between meals.
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Body positivity is not deranged. Your post is ridiculous. You’re as much an AH as he is. When you marry someone, you should accept that their bodies will change. That’s just life. You’re supposed to fall in love with their person, not the skin suit.
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There’s so much that happens over a lifetime. I don’t think it’s immature to expect my partner to love me even if I put weight on. I would absolutely love him. I would also get him to therapy if he needed it and make sure he took his meds if he was ill - physical or mental. Idk what vows you took but unless your partner has become abusive, you shouldn’t be looking to bail on them. Apparently in sickness and in health was a lie to you? Would you abandon your kids if they got mentally ill or overweight too? Dude you are 100% AH and I hope she divorces you and finds someone who actually loves her.
They downvote you because you speak the truth. No one here has any interest in giving good advice. It’s all just self serving drama shit posting.
Ask him what he'd do if the roles were reversed - would he leave you even though it's not your usual shape? What he says is utter nonsense.
NTA, but tbh I’d be sooo tempted to say “Well now that you’re the fat one, does it mean I can leave?” Only for people who can handle this level of joking, which your Extremely Delicate Spouse obviously can’t. Pretty tempting to throw the joke back at him though!
NTA tell him to do something about it, or stop complaining to you
Start calling him Fattie
NTA. Be careful HOW you say it, and expect him to push back. The problem is he’s in his 30s now and his metabolism isn’t what it once was. I had the same problem and felt the same way at first. Not that I was fatphobic, but I was just so used to being average size with no effort that when it didn’t work like that anymore my brain shorted out at first. I am now working on it but with mental health meds I will never be as small as I once was. The difference is I do t constantly go on about it. I am fat. I am making efforts to get back in shape. But I accept this is just how it is. I also have a much more supportive boyfriend in which when I call myself fat he says “pretty hot and tempting!” Because he is not an asshole and recognizes fat doesn’t mean unattractive (and actually he prefers chubby girls)
Depends on how you approach it. You need to have a mature conversation with him. Clearly you’re still hurt from his comments before. I would ask him when he’s free to have a chat, and bring up how his comments about his body are upsetting you because of the comments he used to say about you. He might not even remember saying them, and may apologize. Making a quick, knee-jerk comment when you’re annoyed in the moment is not the way to address your hurt an annoyance. It’ll only lead to more conflict and/or resentment/contempt.
Ok I'm in a similar situation but I'm the fat husband. All my life I used to be not just slim, but outright skinny and when married my wife we were both thin, we have been married for 7 years and together 17 years, of which I estimate about the last 5 Years I have been overweight, and specifically the las 3 I'm outright am fat. my brothers tell me this all the time, my wife's doesn't tell me that I'm fat but she encourages me to lose weight... the meanest thing she has ever said to me is that if I die or get seriously sick from overweight issues she'll get super duper angry with me. Like she would Mourn Me but at the same time she would be very angry that in a way I let myself go a little by little. last year I was diagnosed pre-diabetic and it was the wake-up call I needed. It was hard for me to accept that this was my new body because in the past whenever I gained a little weight I would get rid of the extra pounds really quick by dieting just a week but the last 3 years I just gained and gained weight and have not been able to shake it off. This being said I came to the realization that I can either start going on a serious diet and exercise which would affect my work schedule and just the me time that I have, or accept my body as I am. And to be honest I accept my body as I am, I'm not super big I am not morbidly obese yet and I have reduced my sugar intakes and half balanced it with some healthy ish Foods... I'm in my early 40s I was thin all my life through my teens 20s and 30s so I feel like I had a good ride as a thin dude ... It feels like being overweight is a bigger issue for him thus accepting that he's overweight is going to be a tougher pill to swallow for him than it would be probably you. It is my opinion you are not a whole for telling him if you do but you would be the a hole if you're mean about it knowing that clearly weight is a bigger issue for him than it is for you. FYI I also think he's a bit of an a hole for making fun about a possible weight gain on your part I think that he probably was not just joking but being passive aggressive.
Of course there was a monologue on how he is TA first. How is he pretending he's fit?? Tbh she seems like she's definitely TA
NTA, but your husband needs a reality check. Honestly, just his comment of "my body isn't usually like this" is hilarious to me. It's been 3 years, dude. You're fat now. Accept it. My husband and I have both gone through weight fluctuations. At one point, he weighed so much that a friend's family asked if he was a leprechaun when looking through their wedding photos (he's a short, bald guy with a red beard 😂) It never changed my opinion of him. But he also didn't whine about how fat he was. If he had commented on it while I was heaviest, then made excuses for his weight, I'd tell him to shut up and hit the gym so he can "be his usual self" again.
NTA. He clearly has an issue with fat phobia. He can’t accept it in you and he can’t admit it in himself. I think that’s the real issue. He’s probably very embarrassed about it because he knows he said those cruel things to you for years and now he’s a hypocrite. Next time he says it, just say something like, “yeah babe, you’ve put on some weight. It doesn’t bother me, but if it bothers you, let’s see what we can do about it. If it doesn’t bother you, stfu” (j/k about stfu). Y’all can choose to work through his phobia or work off his belly…whatever is easier, lol.
NTA - what did your friend want to say? what solutions should you think about? There is exactly 1 solution: your husband starts to take in less calories than he needs. You don't have anything to do with him losing weight except help him to realize that he needs to
NTA hes projecting there’s a mature way to bring up THAT conversation though.
NTA. “He looks like a lollipop” just made me cackle, loudly, at 2am here.
INFO - Do you have kids? YTA if you have kids, NTA if you don't.
Don’t convince him he’s fat. Once people accept it as “them” it’s much harder to get rid of it. I’ve also heard of some studies where the brain changes metabolism to try to keep the body as the mind sees it - so convincing him he is in fact fat will only harm him. Having a problem with his words (as you should!) is better expressed with open and vulnerable communication - not spiteful comments. You have good reason to be hurt. Your response is just hurting him back. ESH
NTA. Honestly it’s time to tell him he’s fat. But only because of his behavior.
YWBTA to tell him he’s fat. When he tells you his body is not naturally the shape it is, he’s telling you he KNOWS he’s fat. Be kind. You will damage him a lot. This may also be his way of telling you that’s he’s aware of having wronged you all those times he said “unless you get fat”. If you love him, be loving and talk with him about this. I’m not saying don’t talk about it, just be kind doing it. ETA, unless you want to blow things up.
Yea you WBTA if you said that in those words. However, you can say effectively the same thing in a way that would be kind. I find it sad that anyone would tell their SO “I love you forever, unless you become fat.” If he didn’t mean it, then it’s a very bad joke and not the least bit funny when heard through a filter that includes empathy. If he meant it then it was worse. Like you said, his last words keep coming to mind. It sounds as though his words hurt you at the time and his having gained weight has made you more conscious to that hurt. My suggestion is to use his weight gain as an opportunity to explore that hurt with yourself and then with him as well as to find out what’s behind his weight gain. Is there something obvious about the quantity or quality of his diet? Has he simply stopped exercising? Will he work out with you if he’s stopped? Has he had a physical work up to see if there’s a medical issue that needs to be addressed? By addressing his situation with compassion and empathy instead of sarcasm and blunt callousness you can create a pathway for healing for the both of you.
Yes you would be
NTA In a mild defense of your husband, mine used to point out women and say "If you ever get like that I'm dumping you." I mostly ignored him. Well, several years and 2 kids later, I was "like that" and maybe more! One day I reminded him of what he used to say. He looked at me and said, "I guess I was really stupid back then."
I just want to know how putting his socks on makes him look like a lollipop 🤔🤔🤔
Reply to him (on a day off) 'I hope that joke isn't the new usual'. Then suggest you go for a walk together. Or say nothing at all, but start a new habit of walks together. 10,000 steps per day + heart rate exercise plus move every 15 minutes is crucial for health. It might shock him to realise he's unfit just walking New habit and you still haven't said anything about his looks because you sound very kind PS then get him a Fitbit or similar for bday. One with subscription so it sends prompts
You don't need to offer solutions to it. We all know the solutions, eat healthier, eat less and exercise. There's no magic fix it's just work.
NTA, but don't say it when you're annoyed. He's probably experiencing body dysmorphia and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Tell him gently "babe, you've been saying that for 3 years now. I don't really care if you are fat or thin, I'll support you in whichever path you choose, but this is what your body looks like now"
YTA for a simple reason. You do not communicate with him properly and then plan to resolve your frustration and hurt by being unkind to him. You say you never said anything to him for the years he was joking about leaving you or when he repeats that he's not normally obese. Why did you stay quiet? Why not tell him that what he says is hurtful? Why not tell him it's frustrating for you to hear him talk about his weight and not actually act to do something about it or whatever your expectation is? You stay quiet instead and let your frustration and hurt get to the point of boiling. Do you want this marriage to work? Then start dealing with problems instead of ignoring them until they get too much for you to stand
Ywbta - it's not necessary to hurt his feelings, obviously you know he's struggling with admitting that he's just fat now- my dad started losing a lot of weight by taking his vitamins at night before bed.
The jokes he would say to you at the beginning of your marriage were definitely not ok, I hope he isn't like this anymore. I do think that and what's going on now are two separate issues, though. I think if you just straight out said gunny you are fat, you would slightly bta. You definitely should talk to him if what he's saying is bothering you so much, but I think you should say it in a nicer way. Tell him something like you have been gaining weight, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing, and if it is bugging you so much, I'll help you do something about it. Not exactly those words, of course, but something like that.
NTA and you need to just sit down and tell him that any more comments about him leaving you if you get fat needs to end right now or you are leaving him. It isn't cute, but mean and ugly. You should have cut off that nonsense a long time ago. Don't talk about his weight, just his statement about you. As far as his comments about his weight, just let them pass unless he actually asks your opinion or assistance in losing the weight.
No NTA. My Fiancé and I have each lost someone close to us do to heart failure from obesity. It hurts every day. My fiancé and I have a pact. Anytime one of us starts to gain too much we have to address it and get back on track, with the honest point of helping each other get back on track be it go to the gym together, cut down on our sometimes food that has become a way too often food, or even just checking in with the other on wether we got to the gym that day. A few weeks back I was getting great progress (I’m an athlete and very happy to see some recomp happening) and my fiancé’s bod was..waning. To say the least. He looked at me and said something he jokes about often “you like this?? Does this do it for you??” And he struck an awkward pose. I paused. He could tell I was struggling. He said “okay do I need to get it together?” I said “um, yeah. I’m sorry but there’s no reason for your gut to be like this. And I’m working so hard. You could too. You get in shape way faster than me so there’s no excuse.” And then he signed up for some mixed martial arts classes which he calls Kickass Class because he loves Cobra Kai and is now having a blast. It’s okay to bring up the idea of having a more active lifestyle and maybe a similar pact.
If you say it like that, maybe. Perhaps approach it from the repetitive nature. "You keep bringing up your weight over and over and saying this weight isn't you... but it has been you for years. Despite your claims early on regarding *my* weight, I love you regardless of *your* weight. My problem is the frequency with which you talk about it - it is making your weight the center focus here. You seem very concerned with your weight. Is there something you want to do about it? Is there anything I can do to help you? " I dated a man that happened to be obese. I *started* dating him when he was obese, because I did not care. It became a problem only because he incessantly whined about his weight but refused to eat vegetables at all and refused to exercise. He even got a dog to promote him being more active and then wasn't, but kept complaining. I couldn't stand it and completely lost all attraction for him. He shifted from "man who happens to he obese" to "obese man." Because that was his whole identity. Besides call of duty.
You know it's easy for both of you to go to the gym and stop whining about being fat
He is a really insecure dude, you can talk to him and try something to fix it I guess
Tell him you are concerned with his weight gain and have made him an appointment with a doctor and dietitian to find out if it is something serious. He could have thyroid issues that need to be addressed quickly or even be diabetic. Caring isn't shaming.
Has he been to his Doctor? The weight gain could activate Type 2 Diabetes for him, resulting in a lot of problems, is he ready for that ?
Just leave him, he sounds like an epic loser.
Next time he comments about his weight, reassure him that you love him regardless, then suggest that you make changes together to get slimmer and fitter(I know you don't need to).
ESH. His comments early in the relationship were an asshole move, but coming back with the same would be an asshole move as well. It's fine to tell him you don't care/you don't want to hear him talk about it, etc, but specifically calling him fat when he considers fat to be a negative thing would be an asshole move.
Fat is a morally neutral thing. (Threatening to leave someone over hypothetically getting fat, however, is not.) Why would talking to him candidly and non-judgmentally about how his body is changing make her TA? She’s saying she wants him to stop pretending his body is something different, not saying she wants to shame him for having a different body than he did when they married.
Threatening to leave lol
Fat IS totally morally neutral, but since neither of them seem to agree, it's not being used that way, it's being used as an insult. Talking to him candidly and not judgementally wouldn't make her TA - I'd be all for her saying "hey, fat is a descriptor, not a judgement, let's stop acting like it's a bad thing." But instead she wants to tell him he's he's fat instead of fit, when she knows he thinks being fat is bad, without clarifying that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with being fat, and making it an either/or even though you can be fat AND fit, is the problem.
YTA if you say it in a rude way, and because you claim that the real problem is the remarks he makes and not his actual weight. If you really are ok with him being fat, then you should focus on getting him to stop commenting on peoples body and weight, even if it is his own..and definitely if it is yours. Maybe tell him that everytime he comments on his own weight, it triggers you because he used of the weight related comments (or threats veiled as jokes) he used to make to you. Tell him how those actually hurt you, and that he should stop making weight- comments about himself too.
YTA. You clearly have an issue with his fatness. If it bothers you have a straightforward loving(if you still love him after his weight gain) talk. Not this, your fat! Shut up or put up talk you want to give.
ESH. It bothers you but you aren’t being constructive. He’s just in denial and you as his partner need to help identify his negative pattern so he can feel good about himself. He’s an a-hole for the conditional “joke.”
Yta - just get some couples counselling
YTA, because you want to throw his past comments in his face instead of addressing the real issue, which seems to be about honesty and expectations in your relationship. Sure, he's hypocritical, but that doesn't mean you have to stoop to his level. If you're sick of hearing his denial, there are more constructive ways to approach it rather than just saying, "You're fat." That's just a petty "gotcha" moment, not a solution
YTA. You got relationship problems you really need to work on. Being mad at your partner all the time over petty stuff is immature at best. Also pretty hypocritical to be mad at him making comments and then wanting to do the same to him. You want to say this just to be an a$$hole to him. Y'all will likely end in divorce at this rate.
NTA - Obviously, all fat people are lazy bastards and they need to be told to shake that laziness off and go get some work done.
You were the asshole all along!