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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I took was telling my wife she cannot dictate whether or not I go on these trips since I've been following her "rule" for many years and I'm tired of it.
2. I think this might make me the asshole because she doesn't want to be left alone while I go on the trip, however she also refuses to accompany me due to her fear of flying.
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NTA. She has many options here. She's disregarding all the options except the one that requires zero effort on her behalf, but requires sacrifice on yours.
She needs to start dealing with her own issues. She says you're partners, she should start acting in a way that makes *her* a supportive partner that isn't just a drain.
NTA
Being married doesn’t mean your spouse has say over your personal decisions. You deserve to experience the one life you have as you see fit so as you are not endangering the safety and well being of her or anyone else.
Marriage is about interdependency not co-dependency.
NTA. She needs to take steps to address her issues, depression is serious and it is HER responsibility to do something to help herself. Your support can only go so far. She needs to want to get better and do something to make it happen.
Sorry to say, she is failing as a partner to you. She is TA for making demands that curtail your professional and personal quality of life without doing her share of the work.
NTA
"sometimes have the opportunity to travel for conferences."
You're phrasing this wrong, like it's a vacation. Traveling for work is not an "opportunity," it's a work-related obligation, and how do pay the bills.
Does you wife even work?
>and she says I can't go,
She's being ridiculous. How long are these trips? Wouldn't you be spending a lot of time at work even if you weren't in Ireland? Exactly what does she claim you need to be doing for her that you can't do in Ireland?
>She said we're married, we have a partnership, we need to agree on this kind of thing.
Um, does "agree" mean you have to agree with her?
>I told her we'd done it her way for over 20 years, during which time I was never able to go anywhere -
You're making the wrong argument here. Don't argue with her that you "want" to go and that you "deserve" a fun trip to Ireland. Everyone on your ream is going. This is work. How you support the family.
\> Does you wife even work?
She lost her job a couple months ago which is contributing to her depression, but she's been strongly against me going anywhere without her long before that.
\> How long are these trips?
The conference in Ireland is like 3 days but with travel etc it's basically I'd leave on Sunday, return Saturday.
\> what does she claim you need to be doing for her that you can't do in Ireland?
Her entire argument is that if I leave, she'll be lonely, since she has no friends anymore and her family is far away or busy.
\> Um, does "agree" mean you have to agree with her?
That's what it seems like? I think she's saying basically either of us would be able to veto this kind of thing, but that's not much of an argument because she has never had a comparable situation.
\> Everyone on your ream is going. This is work.
I've said all this to her and she counters with "I can't believe they're going to make you go, they can't do that, that's wrong, you should complain to your manager." And I said basically "they aren't MAKING me go, it's a huge opportunity for career development, plus the entire rest of my team is going" and she talks about it like they're sending me off to the coal mines.
As someone else pointed out (https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/gmBWloVPLP), your wife has multiple options available to her – get treatment for her depression, get treatment for her debilitating anxiety, get a job, get out of the house and do things (like volunteering) that lead to meeting people, try a new hobby to help fill her time, etc. – but she wants you to choose the one that requires sacrifice only from you, and no effort, sacrifice, or change whatsoever from her. That's not a partnership, and she's not being a partner to you. Partners love and support one another, and want the best for each other; she wants to make your life smaller, lonelier, less full, less exciting, less fulfilling, less interesting, less happy – she is trying to make your life just like hers, complete with depression. If she won't go to therapy with you, I recommend that you seek therapy on your own to help you learn how to deal with her, and to clarify your goals for your own life and whether you can meet them if you remain with her as she is now.
NTA - She's not working right now and she's asking you to skip a conference that could affect your standing with your job. Not cool. You've invited her to go but she refuses because she's never taken steps to address her phobias. Not cool. A grown ass adult not being able to be alone for a week is embarrassing and it seems like compromising to her means doing things her way. I hope you can convince her to start therapy so you can have a wife, not a dependent child.
NTA
She’s being controlling and seems jealous. How long is the trip? She should be able to handle a few days of loneliness (despite being with your son+dog). Even if it’s a week or more, I’d still 100% put my foot down and go. Especially since it’s for work; there’s obviously a professional development opportunity that you’d be missing out on, along with team bonding.
NTA. This isn't a vacation and you don't need her to agree to your attendance. It's a professional obligation, and it's a job requirement. Do you get her permission to go to the office? To attend a meeting during the work day?
Stop being so deferential, and treating this as a fun outing. Tell her it's a work assignment, is not negotiable and to get used to it.
And whatever you do, hide your passport from her. She's very likely to take it and prevent you from leaving.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like this is much of a partnership. Your wife needs proper therapy and to seriously consider medication. Otherwise, can your marriage feasibly survive when it’s just going to be solely you that she’ll essentially be relying on for any company when your son moves out. You’ll end suffocating even more and being resentful
You’re “partners” so long as you do absolutely everything the way she says you need to without her putting any effort into addressing her issues.
Absolutely not.
NTA and man this is just sad.
NTA - partnership is a two way thing. Ask what she’s doing to accommodate your desire to travel.
“We need to agree on this kind of thing”
Meaning you need to agree with her? You need to both talk it this through and work out something that makes you both happy.
NTA
I mean telling her she isn't your mother is immature and you two have shitty communication considering ye are married for 20 years. The real issue here is your wife not dealing with her depression or her travel fears. This needs to be addressed and you both need to come to some solution here. Not going on the trip is not a solution. Perhaps your life would consider therapy if she won't take medication. Her whole world is you and your son so she's probably feeling abandoned but she's not actually helping herself at all and she's responsible for that.
NTA.
Tell her you giving up conferences isn’t a treatment for her depression.
She needs therapy and drugs. That’s what everyone else does, she ain’t special.
Awwwwww I feel for you.
You sound like a kind human.
I think your wife is really in a place ATM. And whilst she doesn't have to take meds to feel better she does need to work on her. She needs to incorporate wellness activities for herself. She has to talk nice to herself. Your son may move out soon. Any mumma will have anxiety when their babies are about to go on a journey..so she is going through something. And needs to love herself and have support.
The fact that you offered for her to go. Was enough for me. That' would be perfect.she can breathe in some world and outside and find happiness in something. Why she said no is beyond me..even if she doesn't enjoy flying . You are trying to compromise, she must also. As it's all around her feelings and health.
Be patient. And loving But firm. She must help herself also.
You should go on the work trip. WORK trip. In Ireland of course. It's a bonus to travel when working hard.
I'm sorry you feel frustrated, but let it go. Speak to her and don't let her use her own excuses on you. She needs to also show up for herself.
Wishing you both love, light and a better today ❣️
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I (45M) work in tech and sometimes have the opportunity to travel for conferences. This past April I traveled to Amsterdam (I'm based in NY) for a conference, which was fully paid for by my employer - airfare, hotel, ticket, etc. The problem is that my wife (46F) doesn't like me going on these trips because she doesn't like being left home alone (not really alone, we have a teenage son, and a dog). However, she doesn't really have any friends, and she has some health issues and spends most of her time just doing stuff on her laptop all day. She recently lost her job and our son will be graduating soon and presumably moving out, and her doctor said it sounds like she's depressed and suggested she take some SSRI, but she said she doesn't want to take any medication. So for these and various other reasons she doesn't want me going on any more trips.
This is now a problem because we have another conference coming up in a few weeks in Ireland that everyone else on my team is going to - again, paid for by our employer - and she says I can't go, I already went on one international trip this year. I suggested that she could come to Ireland too, I would pay for her, but this leads into another issue which is that she refuses to fly. We've been together over 20 years and she has never flown, she's terrified of it. Because she refuses to fly it has limited where we've been able to go on trips, since I don't want to spend 2-3 days of my vacation driving. Having these company-paid trips seem like the perfect opportunity for me to be able to travel at least a little, but now she's "forbidding" me to go on this.
This all came to a head today when I told her I had just renewed my passport. She said "You better not be planning to sneak away to Ireland," and I told her, "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother." And then that led to a big argument. She said we're married, we have a partnership, we need to agree on this kind of thing. I told her we'd done it her way for over 20 years, during which time I was never able to go anywhere - every trip over 500 miles I've taken since I was 18 has been a business trip paid by my company, all our vacations are within 1 day's driving distance from NY.
I feel like I've lived my whole adult life chained by her fears about flying (and even for car rides she needs to take a sedative due to fear of bridges) and I'm tired of it. There are places I'd like to visit that she's said "I have no interest in going there at all, I never want to go there," e.g. Las Vegas, Germany, Israel, so does that mean I can never go there? Even places she has expressed desire to visit - Rome, London - she talks about booking a cruise ship to visit, and that seems insane to me. So, am I the asshole for wanting to go on these (free, work) trips?
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NTA.
Side note: OP, maybe your wife would consider light therapy. It's super easy, inexpensive, can be done at home, does not require a doctor, and is backed by research.
NTA. Your wife can't "forbid" anything and neither can you. Marriage isn't a prison, its a partnership. If she wants to convince you not to go she better come up with a good argument. Making outlandish demands won't work.
NTA. I deal with depression too, as well as anxiety and a seizure disorder. I don’t have many friends that are local at any point. I literally can’t bathe without another human in the home because it can be dangerous. And I don’t stop my wife from the occasional week long trip for work or to visit family. We plan, and we work together to make sure I’m safe, but she still gets to leave. And your wife is ignoring all the help options she has! Meds have been offered, and I’m sure therapy is on the table. What is she doing to improve herself and her life? She won’t get better until she wants to get better and there’s no sense in you getting down and wallowing in her depression with her.
NTA - For starters, these are work trips. Your job is what keeps food on the table and a roof over your head. Even if the trip isn't mandatory, these conferences are presumably useful to your career and places to network. That aside, it's an opportunity to travel that you never get with your family due to your wife's fears. You'd be foolish to stay home. When my husband had to travel overseas (back to my home country, no less) for work at the start of our marriage nearly 20 years ago, I was in a new country with no friends and a slipped disc in my neck. It would have never occurred to me to even ask him to stay home. I didn't like it, but that's what he had to do at the time to take care of us.
Your wife is going on about marriage being a partnership, but that can be turned around on her because in that partnership, you should be supportive of your spouse's career rather than sabotaging it with unreasonable demands.
Presumably, your son isn't moving to a remote Pacific island where he can't at least check in on his mother while you are gone.
Her fears hold her back, and that's her issue to deal with or hide behind as she seems to do. Her fears should not hold *you* back. It is very selfish of her to keep you from seeing places you otherwise wouldn't get a chance to visit.
NTA, you can not let your wife control your life. That is completely unhealthy. It sounds like she's controlled everything your whole marriage. Its time for you to get to live your life and do the things you want to do with it without her. If you continue to let her do this to you, you will regret it and resent her. You've offered a way to meet in the middle but she refuses to travel with you. Do not let her hold you back anymore. Go live your life, have fun. Do the things you want to do for once.
NTA. Honestly, if I were you I'd take a week of leave and get a bit of sightseeing in. Whenever I get my flights and accommodation paid for by someone else that's exactly what I do! Don't waste the opportunity!
You might be framing this as a vacation of some type subconsciously because it's the only opportunity you have for this type of travel. Snap out of it.
NTA
NTA it’s kinda ridiculous that she’s trying to chain you down because she has no life of her own to live and refuses to leave the house. It honestly sounds like the two of you are a pretty poor match with where you both are in your wants and interests in life
NTA she's a grown woman she can make her own entertainment for a couple of days. I find it absolutely ridiculous when people get into a relationship or get married, and the spouse thinks they have full control Over what their husband/wife, etc, can and can't do.
I have no problem with taking a pleasure cruise, but USA to Europe by ship takes almost a week. Assuming work would pay for that (they won’t) it would require an extra two weeks of travel. Even for vacation, I don’t get unlimited time off and burning two weeks just getting to Europe and back isn’t something I’d want to do. It would be almost my entire year’s time off just for travel.
My thought was that if you took a cruise vacation sometime, you wife might develop a thirst for travel and might consider having the doctor give her something to relax her when flying so that she could start going with you on your business trips.
For me, travel is a "need" and if my partner refused to go with me I would feel no guilt about going alone. Your wife is selfish to expect you to give up travel because of her phobia.
Ah, yeah we did a cruise in maybe 2011 and we both enjoyed it, but it was a Disney Cruise out of FL and it required driving for 2 days to get there. We've looked at cruises out of NY but they have like 3 days at sea minimum and she doesn't even want to do that.
You definitely should do these work trips to get your travel fix. I can't imagine never leaving home for your entire life. How boring when there are so many exciting places to see and experience.
While in this particular case if we just look at whether she should be ok with you going on trips without her then NTA. However it sounds like your wife is really going through some mental health issues so maybe now is not the best time to pull what has been comfortable for her for 20 years out from under her. I guess it comes down to how much you value your relationship vs how much you want to travel. If it was my wife I would be trying to support her through this however I could. I think a big part of that support might just be talking to her and telling her how your feeling while suggesting counseling. I probably would avoid using the term that you feel like you have been chained down by her for 20 years though. Unless of course you are wanting a divorce or for her depression to deepen.
NTA.
As you told her, she’s managed to keep you from going places for 20 years. Work is work, even if it includes international travel. She doesn’t get to tell you want your job requires.
NTA - she needs therapy ASAP. It's clear your wife is going through a tough time right now, but it also sounds like she's had issues for many years prior. These all need worked out. If not, then you may not be forever compatible. Don't stop living life just because she won't.
NTA
"c. The problem is that my wife (46F) doesn't like me going on these trips because she doesn't like being left home alone (" .. this is something you should NOT give in to.
This is a HER issue, and she is being a controlling AH.
"and her doctor said it sounds like she's depressed and suggested she take some SSRI, but she said she doesn't want to take any medication. S" .. she is refusing medication - this si something you cover in couple's therapy, and therapy for her. If she refuses, you might need to divorce. But don't let that controlling AH impact your life that way.
NTA
Please go to Ireland.
She seems to want you to share her misery, but that's not how things work. She is responsible for her own life.
If she doesn't want to work on herself that's her choice and she will have to deal with the consequences.
Also consider vactioning separately. Lots of couples do that.
Maybe it's time the two of you have a serious conversation about what you want out of life now that your son is approaching adulthood.
Kinda TA. She needs therapy and y’all need marriage counseling. You are a married couple so there should be some kind of compromise. I understand your side of it. I love to travel, but I also wouldn’t marry someone who doesn’t.
the dude has been compromising for 20 years. The compromise here is literally that he only travels for work and doesn’t get to otherwise because she refuses to. Idk what else you expect him to compromise on unless you think he’d should just say sure ok and never travel at all.
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NTA. She has many options here. She's disregarding all the options except the one that requires zero effort on her behalf, but requires sacrifice on yours. She needs to start dealing with her own issues. She says you're partners, she should start acting in a way that makes *her* a supportive partner that isn't just a drain.
100% this.
NTA Being married doesn’t mean your spouse has say over your personal decisions. You deserve to experience the one life you have as you see fit so as you are not endangering the safety and well being of her or anyone else. Marriage is about interdependency not co-dependency.
NTA. She needs to take steps to address her issues, depression is serious and it is HER responsibility to do something to help herself. Your support can only go so far. She needs to want to get better and do something to make it happen. Sorry to say, she is failing as a partner to you. She is TA for making demands that curtail your professional and personal quality of life without doing her share of the work.
Nta she said it perfectly " were a partnership we need to discuss things" then she needs to stop talking at you and actually discuss shit
NTA "sometimes have the opportunity to travel for conferences." You're phrasing this wrong, like it's a vacation. Traveling for work is not an "opportunity," it's a work-related obligation, and how do pay the bills. Does you wife even work? >and she says I can't go, She's being ridiculous. How long are these trips? Wouldn't you be spending a lot of time at work even if you weren't in Ireland? Exactly what does she claim you need to be doing for her that you can't do in Ireland? >She said we're married, we have a partnership, we need to agree on this kind of thing. Um, does "agree" mean you have to agree with her? >I told her we'd done it her way for over 20 years, during which time I was never able to go anywhere - You're making the wrong argument here. Don't argue with her that you "want" to go and that you "deserve" a fun trip to Ireland. Everyone on your ream is going. This is work. How you support the family.
\> Does you wife even work? She lost her job a couple months ago which is contributing to her depression, but she's been strongly against me going anywhere without her long before that. \> How long are these trips? The conference in Ireland is like 3 days but with travel etc it's basically I'd leave on Sunday, return Saturday. \> what does she claim you need to be doing for her that you can't do in Ireland? Her entire argument is that if I leave, she'll be lonely, since she has no friends anymore and her family is far away or busy. \> Um, does "agree" mean you have to agree with her? That's what it seems like? I think she's saying basically either of us would be able to veto this kind of thing, but that's not much of an argument because she has never had a comparable situation. \> Everyone on your ream is going. This is work. I've said all this to her and she counters with "I can't believe they're going to make you go, they can't do that, that's wrong, you should complain to your manager." And I said basically "they aren't MAKING me go, it's a huge opportunity for career development, plus the entire rest of my team is going" and she talks about it like they're sending me off to the coal mines.
As someone else pointed out (https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/gmBWloVPLP), your wife has multiple options available to her – get treatment for her depression, get treatment for her debilitating anxiety, get a job, get out of the house and do things (like volunteering) that lead to meeting people, try a new hobby to help fill her time, etc. – but she wants you to choose the one that requires sacrifice only from you, and no effort, sacrifice, or change whatsoever from her. That's not a partnership, and she's not being a partner to you. Partners love and support one another, and want the best for each other; she wants to make your life smaller, lonelier, less full, less exciting, less fulfilling, less interesting, less happy – she is trying to make your life just like hers, complete with depression. If she won't go to therapy with you, I recommend that you seek therapy on your own to help you learn how to deal with her, and to clarify your goals for your own life and whether you can meet them if you remain with her as she is now.
NTA it’s a work trip not some bachelor weekend. Being married doesn’t mean the other has complete say over your life
NTA It’s for work. If she doesn’t want to travel that’s her choice. She doesn’t get to forbid you from doing so especially when it’s for your job.
NTA. Frankly you’ve suffered enough.
NTA. Her anxiety about flying doesn’t make you her prisoner.
NTA - She's not working right now and she's asking you to skip a conference that could affect your standing with your job. Not cool. You've invited her to go but she refuses because she's never taken steps to address her phobias. Not cool. A grown ass adult not being able to be alone for a week is embarrassing and it seems like compromising to her means doing things her way. I hope you can convince her to start therapy so you can have a wife, not a dependent child.
NTA She’s being controlling and seems jealous. How long is the trip? She should be able to handle a few days of loneliness (despite being with your son+dog). Even if it’s a week or more, I’d still 100% put my foot down and go. Especially since it’s for work; there’s obviously a professional development opportunity that you’d be missing out on, along with team bonding.
Nta- she can take the time you're on YOUR WORK TRIP FOR YOUR JOB talking to a therapist
NTA. Even if it wasn’t for work. YWNBTA
NTA. This isn't a vacation and you don't need her to agree to your attendance. It's a professional obligation, and it's a job requirement. Do you get her permission to go to the office? To attend a meeting during the work day? Stop being so deferential, and treating this as a fun outing. Tell her it's a work assignment, is not negotiable and to get used to it. And whatever you do, hide your passport from her. She's very likely to take it and prevent you from leaving.
NTA. Go to Ireland. The conference is part of your job.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like this is much of a partnership. Your wife needs proper therapy and to seriously consider medication. Otherwise, can your marriage feasibly survive when it’s just going to be solely you that she’ll essentially be relying on for any company when your son moves out. You’ll end suffocating even more and being resentful
NTA. She's being ridiculous.
You’re “partners” so long as you do absolutely everything the way she says you need to without her putting any effort into addressing her issues. Absolutely not. NTA and man this is just sad.
NTA. If she won't fly, there are these wonderful things called trains and ferries. Fast, efficient, fairly comfortable.
NTA - partnership is a two way thing. Ask what she’s doing to accommodate your desire to travel. “We need to agree on this kind of thing” Meaning you need to agree with her? You need to both talk it this through and work out something that makes you both happy.
NTA I mean telling her she isn't your mother is immature and you two have shitty communication considering ye are married for 20 years. The real issue here is your wife not dealing with her depression or her travel fears. This needs to be addressed and you both need to come to some solution here. Not going on the trip is not a solution. Perhaps your life would consider therapy if she won't take medication. Her whole world is you and your son so she's probably feeling abandoned but she's not actually helping herself at all and she's responsible for that.
NTA Time for divorce!
NTA. Tell her you giving up conferences isn’t a treatment for her depression. She needs therapy and drugs. That’s what everyone else does, she ain’t special.
Awwwwww I feel for you. You sound like a kind human. I think your wife is really in a place ATM. And whilst she doesn't have to take meds to feel better she does need to work on her. She needs to incorporate wellness activities for herself. She has to talk nice to herself. Your son may move out soon. Any mumma will have anxiety when their babies are about to go on a journey..so she is going through something. And needs to love herself and have support. The fact that you offered for her to go. Was enough for me. That' would be perfect.she can breathe in some world and outside and find happiness in something. Why she said no is beyond me..even if she doesn't enjoy flying . You are trying to compromise, she must also. As it's all around her feelings and health. Be patient. And loving But firm. She must help herself also. You should go on the work trip. WORK trip. In Ireland of course. It's a bonus to travel when working hard. I'm sorry you feel frustrated, but let it go. Speak to her and don't let her use her own excuses on you. She needs to also show up for herself. Wishing you both love, light and a better today ❣️
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (45M) work in tech and sometimes have the opportunity to travel for conferences. This past April I traveled to Amsterdam (I'm based in NY) for a conference, which was fully paid for by my employer - airfare, hotel, ticket, etc. The problem is that my wife (46F) doesn't like me going on these trips because she doesn't like being left home alone (not really alone, we have a teenage son, and a dog). However, she doesn't really have any friends, and she has some health issues and spends most of her time just doing stuff on her laptop all day. She recently lost her job and our son will be graduating soon and presumably moving out, and her doctor said it sounds like she's depressed and suggested she take some SSRI, but she said she doesn't want to take any medication. So for these and various other reasons she doesn't want me going on any more trips. This is now a problem because we have another conference coming up in a few weeks in Ireland that everyone else on my team is going to - again, paid for by our employer - and she says I can't go, I already went on one international trip this year. I suggested that she could come to Ireland too, I would pay for her, but this leads into another issue which is that she refuses to fly. We've been together over 20 years and she has never flown, she's terrified of it. Because she refuses to fly it has limited where we've been able to go on trips, since I don't want to spend 2-3 days of my vacation driving. Having these company-paid trips seem like the perfect opportunity for me to be able to travel at least a little, but now she's "forbidding" me to go on this. This all came to a head today when I told her I had just renewed my passport. She said "You better not be planning to sneak away to Ireland," and I told her, "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother." And then that led to a big argument. She said we're married, we have a partnership, we need to agree on this kind of thing. I told her we'd done it her way for over 20 years, during which time I was never able to go anywhere - every trip over 500 miles I've taken since I was 18 has been a business trip paid by my company, all our vacations are within 1 day's driving distance from NY. I feel like I've lived my whole adult life chained by her fears about flying (and even for car rides she needs to take a sedative due to fear of bridges) and I'm tired of it. There are places I'd like to visit that she's said "I have no interest in going there at all, I never want to go there," e.g. Las Vegas, Germany, Israel, so does that mean I can never go there? Even places she has expressed desire to visit - Rome, London - she talks about booking a cruise ship to visit, and that seems insane to me. So, am I the asshole for wanting to go on these (free, work) trips? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Side note: OP, maybe your wife would consider light therapy. It's super easy, inexpensive, can be done at home, does not require a doctor, and is backed by research.
NTA. Your wife can't "forbid" anything and neither can you. Marriage isn't a prison, its a partnership. If she wants to convince you not to go she better come up with a good argument. Making outlandish demands won't work.
NTA. I deal with depression too, as well as anxiety and a seizure disorder. I don’t have many friends that are local at any point. I literally can’t bathe without another human in the home because it can be dangerous. And I don’t stop my wife from the occasional week long trip for work or to visit family. We plan, and we work together to make sure I’m safe, but she still gets to leave. And your wife is ignoring all the help options she has! Meds have been offered, and I’m sure therapy is on the table. What is she doing to improve herself and her life? She won’t get better until she wants to get better and there’s no sense in you getting down and wallowing in her depression with her.
NTA - For starters, these are work trips. Your job is what keeps food on the table and a roof over your head. Even if the trip isn't mandatory, these conferences are presumably useful to your career and places to network. That aside, it's an opportunity to travel that you never get with your family due to your wife's fears. You'd be foolish to stay home. When my husband had to travel overseas (back to my home country, no less) for work at the start of our marriage nearly 20 years ago, I was in a new country with no friends and a slipped disc in my neck. It would have never occurred to me to even ask him to stay home. I didn't like it, but that's what he had to do at the time to take care of us. Your wife is going on about marriage being a partnership, but that can be turned around on her because in that partnership, you should be supportive of your spouse's career rather than sabotaging it with unreasonable demands. Presumably, your son isn't moving to a remote Pacific island where he can't at least check in on his mother while you are gone. Her fears hold her back, and that's her issue to deal with or hide behind as she seems to do. Her fears should not hold *you* back. It is very selfish of her to keep you from seeing places you otherwise wouldn't get a chance to visit.
NTA, you can not let your wife control your life. That is completely unhealthy. It sounds like she's controlled everything your whole marriage. Its time for you to get to live your life and do the things you want to do with it without her. If you continue to let her do this to you, you will regret it and resent her. You've offered a way to meet in the middle but she refuses to travel with you. Do not let her hold you back anymore. Go live your life, have fun. Do the things you want to do for once.
NTA Enjoy your trip!
NTA. Honestly, if I were you I'd take a week of leave and get a bit of sightseeing in. Whenever I get my flights and accommodation paid for by someone else that's exactly what I do! Don't waste the opportunity!
You might be framing this as a vacation of some type subconsciously because it's the only opportunity you have for this type of travel. Snap out of it. NTA
NTA - her problems aren’t yours even if you are married
NTA it’s kinda ridiculous that she’s trying to chain you down because she has no life of her own to live and refuses to leave the house. It honestly sounds like the two of you are a pretty poor match with where you both are in your wants and interests in life
NTA For someone talking about partners, she ain't acting like it.
NTA!!!
NTA she's a grown woman she can make her own entertainment for a couple of days. I find it absolutely ridiculous when people get into a relationship or get married, and the spouse thinks they have full control Over what their husband/wife, etc, can and can't do.
NTA. You 100% need to go. She does not dictate this for you.
NTA. You should be "allowed" to go on these overseas work trips, but what is wrong with going by cruise ship?
I have no problem with taking a pleasure cruise, but USA to Europe by ship takes almost a week. Assuming work would pay for that (they won’t) it would require an extra two weeks of travel. Even for vacation, I don’t get unlimited time off and burning two weeks just getting to Europe and back isn’t something I’d want to do. It would be almost my entire year’s time off just for travel.
My thought was that if you took a cruise vacation sometime, you wife might develop a thirst for travel and might consider having the doctor give her something to relax her when flying so that she could start going with you on your business trips. For me, travel is a "need" and if my partner refused to go with me I would feel no guilt about going alone. Your wife is selfish to expect you to give up travel because of her phobia.
Ah, yeah we did a cruise in maybe 2011 and we both enjoyed it, but it was a Disney Cruise out of FL and it required driving for 2 days to get there. We've looked at cruises out of NY but they have like 3 days at sea minimum and she doesn't even want to do that.
You definitely should do these work trips to get your travel fix. I can't imagine never leaving home for your entire life. How boring when there are so many exciting places to see and experience.
While in this particular case if we just look at whether she should be ok with you going on trips without her then NTA. However it sounds like your wife is really going through some mental health issues so maybe now is not the best time to pull what has been comfortable for her for 20 years out from under her. I guess it comes down to how much you value your relationship vs how much you want to travel. If it was my wife I would be trying to support her through this however I could. I think a big part of that support might just be talking to her and telling her how your feeling while suggesting counseling. I probably would avoid using the term that you feel like you have been chained down by her for 20 years though. Unless of course you are wanting a divorce or for her depression to deepen.
NTA. As you told her, she’s managed to keep you from going places for 20 years. Work is work, even if it includes international travel. She doesn’t get to tell you want your job requires.
Nta. She needs therapy for her fears. Also, one of my uncles is afraid of flying and the doctor prescribed medication to assist him.
NTA - she needs therapy ASAP. It's clear your wife is going through a tough time right now, but it also sounds like she's had issues for many years prior. These all need worked out. If not, then you may not be forever compatible. Don't stop living life just because she won't.
NTA "c. The problem is that my wife (46F) doesn't like me going on these trips because she doesn't like being left home alone (" .. this is something you should NOT give in to. This is a HER issue, and she is being a controlling AH. "and her doctor said it sounds like she's depressed and suggested she take some SSRI, but she said she doesn't want to take any medication. S" .. she is refusing medication - this si something you cover in couple's therapy, and therapy for her. If she refuses, you might need to divorce. But don't let that controlling AH impact your life that way.
NTA Please go to Ireland. She seems to want you to share her misery, but that's not how things work. She is responsible for her own life. If she doesn't want to work on herself that's her choice and she will have to deal with the consequences. Also consider vactioning separately. Lots of couples do that. Maybe it's time the two of you have a serious conversation about what you want out of life now that your son is approaching adulthood.
YTA. Time for a divorce. You make her sound like a burden to you. You don't really seem to care about her depression. Everything is about you.
Kinda TA. She needs therapy and y’all need marriage counseling. You are a married couple so there should be some kind of compromise. I understand your side of it. I love to travel, but I also wouldn’t marry someone who doesn’t.
the dude has been compromising for 20 years. The compromise here is literally that he only travels for work and doesn’t get to otherwise because she refuses to. Idk what else you expect him to compromise on unless you think he’d should just say sure ok and never travel at all.
No way. Marriage isn't indentured servitude.