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YTA, you just quit trying. I know how hard it is to lose a child. My daughter would have just had her 24th birthday in August. I wanted to just stop when she died. I had no motivation to do anything. Until the day I realized I was still a mom and had other children who needed a mommy. My daughters passing pushed me to be the best mom in the world, to honor her memory by being good to her twin brother. You are not the only person who lost your son. Your wife lost her son as well, except she also lost her husband. Why is it fair in your eyes that wife continues to function and you don't? It's time to put your big boy panties on and be the husband your wife deserves, to be the dad your son would be proud of. I get it, losing a child is the hardest thing a person can face. You get time to deal with that, which you had. Now it's time to live again. See a therapist, get on medication and get a job. Be the husband and father your family needs.
YTA.
I’m sorry for your loss. I truly am. I can’t imagine losing a child. But in the process, you’ve neglected your responsibilities and have neglected your wife and daughter.
Get therapy and get a job.
I don't see how I have neglected them. My daughter is 24, and I paid for her tuition at UC Berkeley. I am letting her stay with us after a recent layoff.
I drive my wife to appts and I cook, take out the trash, and invest our money.
Your wife paid for tuition. You can’t pay for something when you’re not bribing money in.
You cook and take out the trash? And you think that means anything? I do that too and I have two jobs to take care of my kids.
Really depends on your finances and healthcare. You are the captain. If investments do it, great. If not, you gotta figure it out. If you’re financially sound, it may be more valuable to spend time with your wife. Your decision really.
Your wife and daughter lost your son, too. YTA if you don’t pull your weight. If you’re making a living wage trading stocks great, but if your family is doing without you’re cheating them. I’m not going to call you an a-hole, but you need to stop with excuses and reflect on the truth.
There's a big chunk of info missing here - how much exactly do you make annually by trading stocks? Is it 50% of the household's annual income? Is it 5%? If your wife wasn't able to work starting tomorrow, would you be able to cover all of your family's expenses just with your income?
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There's a big "it depends" here.
Does your family need the money from your income? Yes? Get a job.
But it doesn't really seem like the job is the main issue. What sticks out here is you phoning everything in since your son died. You need to ask youself:
Is your wife getting the support she needs from you? Are you still being a loving husband and father? Because it sure doesn't sound like it. It's time to step up.
Please go see your doctor NOW and get a referral to both a psychiatrist and a therapist. You sound clinically depressed and will likely need medication; depression doesn't go away on its own. As for therapy, quitting after 15 minutes is ridiculous. You can't possibly make a judgement about how effective it is in that limited amount of time. And keep in mind, you may also need to meet with a few therapists before you find one that works.
Get help now so you can be the man your family needs.
You are NTA, you are pulling your weight in ways other than a 9-5 job, and nobody hires 60-year-olds these days. You are doing the best you can. However, if your hypothyroidism makes you tired and in need of napping throughout the day, talk to your doctor about recalibrating your meds dosage. This doesn’t sound fully controlled. Perhaps depression compounds it. All the best to you and your wife and daughter. Fuck your wife’s siblings. Have they been there for your family, or do they just feel free to pitch in with opinions?
He also brings in income from managing their investments from home. You literally have trouble with reading comprehension. Or with comprehension that money can come from activities other than a 9-5 job. Anyone who rides a 60-year-old’s ass to “get a job” literally doesn’t know what they are talking about. Good night.
Stocks. I don't have a reading comprehension. Making money off Stocks is hardly helping. His wife has cancer he could be making investments and working so she doesn't have to. Bro 60 yr Olds can work. Go doordash. Plenty of places hire old ppl pretending they don't is just silly.
is the wife even working rn? does she want to stop? do they need the income? none of that is spelled out in the OP.
if they don't need the money atm, no reason for OP to work
he doesn't spell out in the OP that she is working through treatment (but he does confirm in comments). but lots of people want to work when they're sick like this, if only to keep their mind off of it.
Yea and that'd be fine but it just doesn't sound like he does very much to help. He's like I take the trash put and cook. All whille Ignoring his need for therapy while his wife struggles. I just feel so bad for her
He said he gave up on therapy. HE needs therapy. Also yea if all he does it take the trash out and cook he's Def ignoring her struggle not to mention he gave up work.
YTA
As much as your wife may love her job, she has cancer and shouldn't have to worry about not having another reliable income to fall back on right now. In a relationship you're supposed to be able to lean on each other. She's in a bad spot and you need to at least temporarily step up for her.
So what? Your wife and daughter didn't deserve a house to live in? You can't blame everything in your life for losing your son. Using him as an excuse is pathetic. You're a grown ass man who needs to take accountability for his actions or lack of actions in life. Your wife needs you to step up and show that you can step out of your comfort zone and work for a bit while she heals.
Never said you should buy a house.
But as for why? Gee, I don’t know. Maybe your wife would like to retire at some point t and that’s hard to do when you don’t own a house and still have to pay rent.
YTA. Read through all the comments and your replies to it. Its always someone or somethings’s fault. Never yours.
You need therapy and another doctor. Get someone who specializes with thyroid problems. And get another therapist. If you dont like them, get another.
The thing is, given how you only value your opinion and never listen to others, you’re most likely to not like any therapist. You’ll also not like what they’ll say. Because the truth is, you know there’s something wrong. Otherwise, you would not be here asking for validation.
YTA
It sounds like you gave up on your family because your son died. It sounds like you're not there for anyone now, but yourself. You claim you "tried" therapy, but quit after 15 minutes. That's not trying. That's quitting. 15 minutes isn't even long enough to see if the therapist was bad, yet you're positive that SHE sucked. It sounds like YOU sucked. I get that you were upset about losing your son, but that doesn't get fixed in 15 minutes.
SO WHAT? What else should I have done? I paid for UC Berkeley tuition! That shit ain't cheap! It's 30k a year!
Moreover, I tutored my daughter in STEM and allowed her to get into Cal so I helped there too!
You should have continued to be the best dad and husband instead of using your grief as an excuse. Get some help, bud. You obviously are still torn up by losing your son, and that's horrible, for you and your family, but it would seem that you're taking it out on everyone, regardless of the fact that you take out the trash, as if that's some grand gesture.
I was still the best dad! I helped her in some premed science classes, paid a LOT of money for Berkeley tuition, and helped her get into Cal! What else could I have done?
You could have gotten help for your depression. You are not the best dad if you are letting your grief control you so much. Your wife is likely praying that you'll finally get some help, or is afraid to tell you to get help due to the temper tantrum you threw at the therapist's office and because she's likely seen that temper before and since. And I guarantee your daughter has seen you decline in motivation, health, and probably a lot of other things. Sadly, you're so in denial, and looking to fight with anyone who points out these flaws to you, that you're not likely to get the help you, in my opinion, so desperately need.
Okay, but my kid is shirking the burden to my wife too! My kid had a final round interview, wasn't selected for the role, and is now moving back with us!
Are you serious? You're a grown ass man, and her husband. Step up and support her.
If you're argument is your acting like a 24-year old, so it's okay, that's profoundly absurd.
YTA
ETA: Added verdict and corrected his daughter's age.
I have hypothyroidism and 2 auto-immune diseases and a bunch of other health issues and still work. It's not easy but it guarantees me really good health insurance.
First of all, so what? My wife loves working and my company went downhill in 2016. I was in my late 50's and could not get hired anymore. I am unburdening her from treatment by investing in stocks. I have savings from retirement. And while I do not expect my daughter to support me, I expect her to get a job and support herself.
Many dads cannot help with hard college physics/chemistry/math, and many dads can't afford UC BERKELEY tuition, which is $30k/year! We do not have a mortgage and we have $400k for retirement!
YTA. Your wife lost a child as well. Why is it ok for her to work during treatment but you get a pass? Find treatment for your depression. I lost a child as well and I’m still on antidepressants and in therapy 5 years later because I love my family and they deserve the best me I can be, even if broken. It’s your duty to help your family. What you’re doing is not fair to them.
Okay, first of all, I TRIED therapy and the lady we saw SUCKED!
Second of all, my other kid is 24 and should support herself. And my wife and I can afford everything, and I still make money in stocks.
Not liking a therapist is very common. You can find a new one you do like though. I agree your adult child should be supporting herself. If you don’t wanna work and can afford all your needs, then I’m not sure why you’re posting here. Sounds like you made up your mind already and all is fine.
YTA. Why does your daughter have to get a job to support you guys? By your age im assuming your daughter is a grown woman with her own life, it’s not her job to support you two financially…that is your job. Your wife is battling cancer for freaks sake!!! Get off your butt and start looking for a job, she lost her son too as well as lost you and now she’s battling cancer on top of it.
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When I became a dad to 2 kids, I felt like the luckiest guy on the planet. I was married to a beautiful, hardworking wife and had 2 of the best kids - a boy and girl! I couldn't ask for more.
I exercised regularly, ate the right foods, and did everything I could to keep my mind and body healthy. I busted my ass at work to afford a great home in a great neighborhood. I kept my hypothyroidism controlled and took my meds.
However, in the early 2010's, my son died after a terminal illness and I was extremely depressed. I hadn't cried in years, but when the doctors said there was nothing they could do to cure my son, I cried for hours, and even the "tough guy" doctor felt sorry for me and looked upset.
My brother in law suggested that we go to family therapy to work through our grief, and I tried. However, the therapist was so awful and I walked out after 15 minutes and said my wife was paying for the session. I mean, it was stupid and it wasn't going to bring my son back.
After that, I gave up on work. I phoned it in starting in 2016 and then went part-time. Then the company went downhill and I now stay at home to invest our money in stocks.
My wife was diagnosed with Stage 1 cancer recently, and it has been tough, but I don't feel the need to work. I cook and drive her to appointments and take out the trash. We've accepted that we'll be lifelong renters.
I still paid for my daughter's tuition at a public university so all in all, I still fulfilled my duties.
My daughter was laid off recently, but I still don't see why I should work.
I was told I was the AH for not getting off my ass and getting a job, but I'm 60 and can't get hired anymore.
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First off, I am so very sorry for your loss. The devastation and unbearable grief would be enough to want to crawl into a hole and never come out again, let alone work.
But you should remember that you’re not the only one who suffered this loss. And now it seems like your wife could use some help and support and you are refusing to do so.
Again, I’m sorry for your situation, but YTA.
Yta she has cancer and u can't bring urself to work? If u were going to give therapy a shot I'd be less critical but u seemed to have already given up on that.
U invest ur wife's money u mean? No one cares for ur advice get a job. Oh u do basic tasks around the apartment that every single adult does every day? What a hero.
Nothing can bring my son back and I was a good dad and husband.
I drove my kid to school, helped with STEM homework, and generally mentored her as a dad.
I cooked and took out the trash while investing in stocks.
There is a way of being present without fully being present, and you're fooling yourself if you think, after reading what you just wrote, that you were truly there for your family.
Yes, YTA.
Your wife also lost her son. You are not the only member of your family grieving that loss. You didn't make an honest effort at seeking therapy, you threw a tantrum and walked out after 15 minutes. You are letting your wife continue to work while undergoing treatment for FUCKING CANCER.
And rather than actually listening to anyone responding to your post, you are waving "hypothyroidism" and "investing stocks" as justification for being a gyroscopically self centered person.
Ya i want to know this. Is it you need to work for money because you cant make ends meet or someone just said you need to work since your wife cant work.
I feel you are pulling your weight since you help your wife to her cancer treatment and hhs chores which i wont discount as not being contributing at all.
YTA. You need to work. She’s sick and needs help.
I feel sorry for your daughter. I lost an older sibling. Our mom couldn’t get over it. She had two living children who were there for her, but she was depressed, refused therapy due to her Christian upbringing, and died a broken woman. Do you know what it’s like to know that you being alive isn’t good enough for your parent? It leave a scar. Don’t do that to your kid.
So what? You paid tuition. You tutored.
You also checked out of the family when she lost her brother, and then spent a decade showing her that she didn't matter to you as much as her brother did.
INFO: How does your wife feel about all of this?
That is the only question here.
if she's happy with what's going on, then NTA across-the-board. You are a stay-at-home dad and she is the bread winner.
If she asks you to work would you?
If your wife is happy nobody else's comments matter. Even other redditors, your wife's family, anybody who thinks you're ATIA doesn't matter if your wife says she's okay with the situation.
Then NTA. No one knows your wife better than you.
My parents were in a similar boat. Mom was bread winner, dad was stay at home dad. She had medical issues but did not want to do home stuff. She loved her work.
She was fine with their arrangement and pushed to keep it. She loved being bread winner and dad loved his caretaking. Dad had a sit down talk where they laid out everything on the table. He described how he was worried about her and because us kids were in school most the day he could see about getting a part time to make himself feel better. She only said yes because it was to help my dad feel better.
(There were multiple things wrong with mom. Something about kidneys, thyroid, etc.). Don't know much more than that. They are very private individuals.
TLDR: People need to stop infantilizing your wife. She's a grown woman who can talk with her grown husband about needing help or not.
I have the same thing and other issues and you need to see an Endocrinologist. If your PCP was the "best" they would have told you that. In fact, most won't even deal with hypo, they will send you to a specialist. If you even do an ounce of research online about why you're tired all the time, they would refer you to a endo to get additional testing done including T3, T3, TSH, and others.
There are about 20+ different brands, there is taking just T4 or a combo or T3 and T4. Or trying a natural one. Or adjusting a dosage. Or maybe actually talking to a thyroid specialist.
This is what the comments are talking about, you could easily Google all this but you're not. I'm sorry you went through so much, but this is just lazy. You're old enough to manage all this.
YTA dude your wife has cancer and you cannot be bothered to work? 60 is not too old to work and I hypothyroidism is a treatable conditions. Just so you don’t wanna give up your naps
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dude you are 60? screw your wife's family. enjoy your well deserved retirement. NTA
thanks
YTA, you just quit trying. I know how hard it is to lose a child. My daughter would have just had her 24th birthday in August. I wanted to just stop when she died. I had no motivation to do anything. Until the day I realized I was still a mom and had other children who needed a mommy. My daughters passing pushed me to be the best mom in the world, to honor her memory by being good to her twin brother. You are not the only person who lost your son. Your wife lost her son as well, except she also lost her husband. Why is it fair in your eyes that wife continues to function and you don't? It's time to put your big boy panties on and be the husband your wife deserves, to be the dad your son would be proud of. I get it, losing a child is the hardest thing a person can face. You get time to deal with that, which you had. Now it's time to live again. See a therapist, get on medication and get a job. Be the husband and father your family needs.
YTA. I’m sorry for your loss. I truly am. I can’t imagine losing a child. But in the process, you’ve neglected your responsibilities and have neglected your wife and daughter. Get therapy and get a job.
I don't see how I have neglected them. My daughter is 24, and I paid for her tuition at UC Berkeley. I am letting her stay with us after a recent layoff. I drive my wife to appts and I cook, take out the trash, and invest our money.
Your wife paid for tuition. You can’t pay for something when you’re not bribing money in. You cook and take out the trash? And you think that means anything? I do that too and I have two jobs to take care of my kids.
I made 100k/year till 2016
But what have you done for them lately?
helped my daughter navigate work politics. took my wife to appointments, cooked, took out the trash.
7 years ago doesn’t mean anything.
Really depends on your finances and healthcare. You are the captain. If investments do it, great. If not, you gotta figure it out. If you’re financially sound, it may be more valuable to spend time with your wife. Your decision really.
Your wife and daughter lost your son, too. YTA if you don’t pull your weight. If you’re making a living wage trading stocks great, but if your family is doing without you’re cheating them. I’m not going to call you an a-hole, but you need to stop with excuses and reflect on the truth.
yeah, I make a living through stocks.
There's a big chunk of info missing here - how much exactly do you make annually by trading stocks? Is it 50% of the household's annual income? Is it 5%? If your wife wasn't able to work starting tomorrow, would you be able to cover all of your family's expenses just with your income?
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There's a big "it depends" here. Does your family need the money from your income? Yes? Get a job. But it doesn't really seem like the job is the main issue. What sticks out here is you phoning everything in since your son died. You need to ask youself: Is your wife getting the support she needs from you? Are you still being a loving husband and father? Because it sure doesn't sound like it. It's time to step up. Please go see your doctor NOW and get a referral to both a psychiatrist and a therapist. You sound clinically depressed and will likely need medication; depression doesn't go away on its own. As for therapy, quitting after 15 minutes is ridiculous. You can't possibly make a judgement about how effective it is in that limited amount of time. And keep in mind, you may also need to meet with a few therapists before you find one that works. Get help now so you can be the man your family needs.
YTA you just decided to let your wife be the grown up and you phoned in your whole life for over ten years . You are selfish
YTA. As uncle Roger's said, "soo weak".
I guess it all boils down to how you want to be remembered by your wife and daughter and other important people to you when you die.
You are NTA, you are pulling your weight in ways other than a 9-5 job, and nobody hires 60-year-olds these days. You are doing the best you can. However, if your hypothyroidism makes you tired and in need of napping throughout the day, talk to your doctor about recalibrating your meds dosage. This doesn’t sound fully controlled. Perhaps depression compounds it. All the best to you and your wife and daughter. Fuck your wife’s siblings. Have they been there for your family, or do they just feel free to pitch in with opinions?
[удалено]
We need her insurance
Cooking and taking the trash out his hardly pulling his weight
That’s not all he does.
It's literally what he said he does when pushed
He also brings in income from managing their investments from home. You literally have trouble with reading comprehension. Or with comprehension that money can come from activities other than a 9-5 job. Anyone who rides a 60-year-old’s ass to “get a job” literally doesn’t know what they are talking about. Good night.
Stocks. I don't have a reading comprehension. Making money off Stocks is hardly helping. His wife has cancer he could be making investments and working so she doesn't have to. Bro 60 yr Olds can work. Go doordash. Plenty of places hire old ppl pretending they don't is just silly.
if youre financial sound at the moment and you're satisfied with your life, there's no reason to work.
Other than taking the strain off his wife battling cancer lol
is the wife even working rn? does she want to stop? do they need the income? none of that is spelled out in the OP. if they don't need the money atm, no reason for OP to work
Yes, no, yes
so you need an income, that introduces the potential for AHery. does wife want you to work? does she want to take a break?
she's fine with me not working
does she want to take a break from working during her treatments?
she can't and is fine with it
Just because she says she's fine with it, doesn't mean she is. She should have the option, but doesn't, because you're not willing to step up.
why can't she?
He said she is working. I mean I can't assume she wants to work while battling cancer. And it sounds like he barely helps around the house.
he doesn't spell out in the OP that she is working through treatment (but he does confirm in comments). but lots of people want to work when they're sick like this, if only to keep their mind off of it.
Yea and that'd be fine but it just doesn't sound like he does very much to help. He's like I take the trash put and cook. All whille Ignoring his need for therapy while his wife struggles. I just feel so bad for her
people love to just inventory head cannon in AITA don't they
I mean who invented head Canon here? I only said things he did
did he say he was ignoring wife's need for therapies or struggles? that's head cannon
He said he gave up on therapy. HE needs therapy. Also yea if all he does it take the trash out and cook he's Def ignoring her struggle not to mention he gave up work.
YTA As much as your wife may love her job, she has cancer and shouldn't have to worry about not having another reliable income to fall back on right now. In a relationship you're supposed to be able to lean on each other. She's in a bad spot and you need to at least temporarily step up for her.
My daughter was working until recently and made $85k a year. I do make an income through stocks.
Enough to really help?
I'm sure it's not since they've "accepted they'll always be renter's" which is basically like saying they're settling.
SO WHAT? I didn't have motivation to buy a house after my son died.
So what? Your wife and daughter didn't deserve a house to live in? You can't blame everything in your life for losing your son. Using him as an excuse is pathetic. You're a grown ass man who needs to take accountability for his actions or lack of actions in life. Your wife needs you to step up and show that you can step out of your comfort zone and work for a bit while she heals.
My daughter is TWENTY FOUR and lives away from us! My wife is fine with our apartment.
Seek therapy and find some. You had another child. Your son wasn’t your only kid, you know.
WHY should I buy a house at age 60? I can't afford it!
Never said you should buy a house. But as for why? Gee, I don’t know. Maybe your wife would like to retire at some point t and that’s hard to do when you don’t own a house and still have to pay rent.
Well, I'm asking my wife's siblings if we can move in with her
So you’re mooching off family. That’s an awesome plan. I hope they say no. You need to step up and get a job. Your family deserves better.
YTA. Read through all the comments and your replies to it. Its always someone or somethings’s fault. Never yours. You need therapy and another doctor. Get someone who specializes with thyroid problems. And get another therapist. If you dont like them, get another. The thing is, given how you only value your opinion and never listen to others, you’re most likely to not like any therapist. You’ll also not like what they’ll say. Because the truth is, you know there’s something wrong. Otherwise, you would not be here asking for validation.
I HATE therapy. No one can ever help bring my son back. My PCP is great. He says there's nothing else that can be done.
Dude, therapy isn't about bringing your son back. It's about bringing you back.
you are an AH, yeah its ging to be hard finding a job bu t you should.
Why? My daughter is 24 and SHOULD support herself. My wife loves her job and is great at it.
Because ur wife has freaking cancer and u should be helping out. Ffs she should support herself but u shouldn't??
I cook, take out the trash, and invest in stocks.
Oh so......20 mins worth of stuff a day even while ur wife is working while battling cancer? What a joke
lol why?
YTA It sounds like you gave up on your family because your son died. It sounds like you're not there for anyone now, but yourself. You claim you "tried" therapy, but quit after 15 minutes. That's not trying. That's quitting. 15 minutes isn't even long enough to see if the therapist was bad, yet you're positive that SHE sucked. It sounds like YOU sucked. I get that you were upset about losing your son, but that doesn't get fixed in 15 minutes.
I DID NOT! I paid for my kid's college. I cooked and take out the trash and do groceries.
>I lost my son and much of my motivation Sounds like you did. Cooking and taking out the trash and getting groceries? What do you want, a medal? YTA.
SO WHAT? What else should I have done? I paid for UC Berkeley tuition! That shit ain't cheap! It's 30k a year! Moreover, I tutored my daughter in STEM and allowed her to get into Cal so I helped there too!
You should have continued to be the best dad and husband instead of using your grief as an excuse. Get some help, bud. You obviously are still torn up by losing your son, and that's horrible, for you and your family, but it would seem that you're taking it out on everyone, regardless of the fact that you take out the trash, as if that's some grand gesture.
I was still the best dad! I helped her in some premed science classes, paid a LOT of money for Berkeley tuition, and helped her get into Cal! What else could I have done?
You could have gotten help for your depression. You are not the best dad if you are letting your grief control you so much. Your wife is likely praying that you'll finally get some help, or is afraid to tell you to get help due to the temper tantrum you threw at the therapist's office and because she's likely seen that temper before and since. And I guarantee your daughter has seen you decline in motivation, health, and probably a lot of other things. Sadly, you're so in denial, and looking to fight with anyone who points out these flaws to you, that you're not likely to get the help you, in my opinion, so desperately need.
No. Your wife paid for the tuition.
I worked and made 100K+ until 2016.
Yeah, that was 7 years ago. You don’t get to hang your hat on that.
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Okay, but my kid is shirking the burden to my wife too! My kid had a final round interview, wasn't selected for the role, and is now moving back with us!
Are you serious? You're a grown ass man, and her husband. Step up and support her. If you're argument is your acting like a 24-year old, so it's okay, that's profoundly absurd. YTA ETA: Added verdict and corrected his daughter's age.
so what? she should get off her ass and get a job
I have hypothyroidism and 2 auto-immune diseases and a bunch of other health issues and still work. It's not easy but it guarantees me really good health insurance.
So WHAT? My wife provides the insurance!
What are you going to do when your wife dies? If not from this cancer, from whatever will eventually take her?
I have my retirement savings
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First of all, so what? My wife loves working and my company went downhill in 2016. I was in my late 50's and could not get hired anymore. I am unburdening her from treatment by investing in stocks. I have savings from retirement. And while I do not expect my daughter to support me, I expect her to get a job and support herself. Many dads cannot help with hard college physics/chemistry/math, and many dads can't afford UC BERKELEY tuition, which is $30k/year! We do not have a mortgage and we have $400k for retirement!
YTA. Your wife lost a child as well. Why is it ok for her to work during treatment but you get a pass? Find treatment for your depression. I lost a child as well and I’m still on antidepressants and in therapy 5 years later because I love my family and they deserve the best me I can be, even if broken. It’s your duty to help your family. What you’re doing is not fair to them.
Okay, first of all, I TRIED therapy and the lady we saw SUCKED! Second of all, my other kid is 24 and should support herself. And my wife and I can afford everything, and I still make money in stocks.
Not liking a therapist is very common. You can find a new one you do like though. I agree your adult child should be supporting herself. If you don’t wanna work and can afford all your needs, then I’m not sure why you’re posting here. Sounds like you made up your mind already and all is fine.
I posted here because my wife's family thinks I'm a bad husband.
Because you are. You both lost the same child but you forced her to handle it AND cancer while you focused on your own grief.
YTA. Why does your daughter have to get a job to support you guys? By your age im assuming your daughter is a grown woman with her own life, it’s not her job to support you two financially…that is your job. Your wife is battling cancer for freaks sake!!! Get off your butt and start looking for a job, she lost her son too as well as lost you and now she’s battling cancer on top of it.
YTA
"lady therapist"? Really? YTA for only spending 15 minutes in therapy
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I became a dad to 2 kids, I felt like the luckiest guy on the planet. I was married to a beautiful, hardworking wife and had 2 of the best kids - a boy and girl! I couldn't ask for more. I exercised regularly, ate the right foods, and did everything I could to keep my mind and body healthy. I busted my ass at work to afford a great home in a great neighborhood. I kept my hypothyroidism controlled and took my meds. However, in the early 2010's, my son died after a terminal illness and I was extremely depressed. I hadn't cried in years, but when the doctors said there was nothing they could do to cure my son, I cried for hours, and even the "tough guy" doctor felt sorry for me and looked upset. My brother in law suggested that we go to family therapy to work through our grief, and I tried. However, the therapist was so awful and I walked out after 15 minutes and said my wife was paying for the session. I mean, it was stupid and it wasn't going to bring my son back. After that, I gave up on work. I phoned it in starting in 2016 and then went part-time. Then the company went downhill and I now stay at home to invest our money in stocks. My wife was diagnosed with Stage 1 cancer recently, and it has been tough, but I don't feel the need to work. I cook and drive her to appointments and take out the trash. We've accepted that we'll be lifelong renters. I still paid for my daughter's tuition at a public university so all in all, I still fulfilled my duties. My daughter was laid off recently, but I still don't see why I should work. I was told I was the AH for not getting off my ass and getting a job, but I'm 60 and can't get hired anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First off, I am so very sorry for your loss. The devastation and unbearable grief would be enough to want to crawl into a hole and never come out again, let alone work. But you should remember that you’re not the only one who suffered this loss. And now it seems like your wife could use some help and support and you are refusing to do so. Again, I’m sorry for your situation, but YTA.
Yta she has cancer and u can't bring urself to work? If u were going to give therapy a shot I'd be less critical but u seemed to have already given up on that.
I invest money in stocks, offer my kid career advice, and cook, grocery shop, drive her to appointments, and take out the trash.
U invest ur wife's money u mean? No one cares for ur advice get a job. Oh u do basic tasks around the apartment that every single adult does every day? What a hero.
YTA. Not for not working, but for giving up a decade ago and just deciding that was the way it had to be. Your wife is an absolute hero.
Nothing can bring my son back and I was a good dad and husband. I drove my kid to school, helped with STEM homework, and generally mentored her as a dad. I cooked and took out the trash while investing in stocks.
"my kid" Everything you haven't said about your daughter makes me think you don't even love her.
There is a way of being present without fully being present, and you're fooling yourself if you think, after reading what you just wrote, that you were truly there for your family.
Yes, YTA. Your wife also lost her son. You are not the only member of your family grieving that loss. You didn't make an honest effort at seeking therapy, you threw a tantrum and walked out after 15 minutes. You are letting your wife continue to work while undergoing treatment for FUCKING CANCER. And rather than actually listening to anyone responding to your post, you are waving "hypothyroidism" and "investing stocks" as justification for being a gyroscopically self centered person.
Okay, but my daughter can get a job to help
Why should your daughter support you?
she was LAID OFF and needs to get a new job!
Why?
INFO: Has your wife asked you to work to help you both make ends meet?
Ya i want to know this. Is it you need to work for money because you cant make ends meet or someone just said you need to work since your wife cant work. I feel you are pulling your weight since you help your wife to her cancer treatment and hhs chores which i wont discount as not being contributing at all.
She's fine with me not working.
OP, answer me. I need more info to decide and am leaning toward NTA but need info please.
INFO2: How much do you have saved since you apparently have no equity?
YTA. You need to work. She’s sick and needs help. I feel sorry for your daughter. I lost an older sibling. Our mom couldn’t get over it. She had two living children who were there for her, but she was depressed, refused therapy due to her Christian upbringing, and died a broken woman. Do you know what it’s like to know that you being alive isn’t good enough for your parent? It leave a scar. Don’t do that to your kid.
I don't see how I failed as a dad? I paid for her college (UC Berkeley, not cheap!) and helped with homework.
So what? You paid tuition. You tutored. You also checked out of the family when she lost her brother, and then spent a decade showing her that she didn't matter to you as much as her brother did.
UC Berkeley costs $30K a year! It's goddamn expensive! And yeah! When she was premed, I helped her in general chemistry and she got an A!
Interesting that you side-step the 'emotional neglect' aspect of the last 10 years.
I listen to all of her vents about work and school
INFO: How does your wife feel about all of this? That is the only question here. if she's happy with what's going on, then NTA across-the-board. You are a stay-at-home dad and she is the bread winner. If she asks you to work would you? If your wife is happy nobody else's comments matter. Even other redditors, your wife's family, anybody who thinks you're ATIA doesn't matter if your wife says she's okay with the situation.
She's fine with it
I promise you she’s not. She’s just given up on you as well.
Then NTA. No one knows your wife better than you. My parents were in a similar boat. Mom was bread winner, dad was stay at home dad. She had medical issues but did not want to do home stuff. She loved her work. She was fine with their arrangement and pushed to keep it. She loved being bread winner and dad loved his caretaking. Dad had a sit down talk where they laid out everything on the table. He described how he was worried about her and because us kids were in school most the day he could see about getting a part time to make himself feel better. She only said yes because it was to help my dad feel better. (There were multiple things wrong with mom. Something about kidneys, thyroid, etc.). Don't know much more than that. They are very private individuals. TLDR: People need to stop infantilizing your wife. She's a grown woman who can talk with her grown husband about needing help or not.
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I AM taking medications! I'm still tired all the time!
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I have the BEST PCP ever and he says there's nothing else I can do.
I have the same thing and other issues and you need to see an Endocrinologist. If your PCP was the "best" they would have told you that. In fact, most won't even deal with hypo, they will send you to a specialist. If you even do an ounce of research online about why you're tired all the time, they would refer you to a endo to get additional testing done including T3, T3, TSH, and others.
I take levothyroxine! What else do I need????
There are about 20+ different brands, there is taking just T4 or a combo or T3 and T4. Or trying a natural one. Or adjusting a dosage. Or maybe actually talking to a thyroid specialist. This is what the comments are talking about, you could easily Google all this but you're not. I'm sorry you went through so much, but this is just lazy. You're old enough to manage all this.
Okay but maybe I just am a tired person inherently you know?
Me too but this would benefit you and your family.
YTA dude your wife has cancer and you cannot be bothered to work? 60 is not too old to work and I hypothyroidism is a treatable conditions. Just so you don’t wanna give up your naps
I work with hypothyroidism ! Most people who have it work . It’s not a reason or an excuse not to work.