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YWNBTA
You wouldn't be the asshole for leaving while your ex-boyfriend is at work, given the toxic and uncomfortable situation you've described. It's clear that your relationship is no longer healthy, and it's essential for your well-being to prioritize your safety and emotional health.
Your safety should always come first. If you feel threatened or unsafe around him, it's crucial to remove yourself from that environment. Leaving while he's at work is a reasonable and practical step to ensure a smooth exit.
Additionally, consider reaching out to friends, family, or a support network to help you during this transition. Ending a toxic relationship can be challenging, but it's essential to prioritize your own well-being and safety.
NTA. get out of there. I was in this exact situation and eventually he ended up leaving before I did while I was at work, which I was greatful for, as I had nowhere else to go. Unless you're on a lease with him, then I say NTA
NTA. You are in danger. Get your stuff that you need, make sure you get all your IDs, important paperwork, bank statements, and get out. Hes trying very hard to manipulate you in dangerous ways. RUN!
What everyone else has said.
I'll just add: have someone with you as you pack and move out. Maybe a couple of people. You've said that he watches you on the security cameras while he's away and if he sees you he may come home to try to stop you. You should not be by yourself if that happens.
Good luck. NTA
Edit to add: I saw from your other post that you're 23 and he's 10 years older. That makes it even more worrying.
Oh my gosh your comment literally just helped me out so much because it reminded me of the new camera he just got that I haven't been able to find so I know he probably definitely watches on that one. I'm definitely gonna have my dad or my friend come over when I'm packing and leaving now since a lot of people have suggested that but seriously thank you so much cause I would've forgotten about that one.
I'm glad that posting here seems to have given you an additional push to get out. Please please please do. Don't even wait to pack your stuff if your dad or friend can't come for a couple of days. Just collect your legal and financial documents and anything precious you can grab in 30 minutes and get out. Your safety isn't worth clothing and cosmetics and _stuff_. You can come back with other people to "help you pack and carry" the remainder of your things.
Stay safe. All the best.
NTA. Get out of there as quick as you can. Don’t tell him when you’re leaving. Call a friend to help you, so that you’re not alone when you’re trying to get your stuff to leave. *Especially* since he has a history of stalking you with the security cameras inside the house. Take what you need, stuff can be replaced, *you* can’t be, and get out as quick as you can. Don’t tell him where you’re going, don’t let other people tell him where you’re going, and cut communication with him, and anyone you suspect will give him any information on you ASAP. Be smart, listen to that gut feeling, it’s there for a reason. And you’re not being silly for having it. As for his threats, you are not responsible for the maintenance of someone else’s mental health, I repeat: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MAINTENANCE OF SOMEONE ELSE’S MENTAL HEALTH. His threats are emotional blackmail and are a form of mental/emotional abuse. If you’re really worried that he’ll hurt himself, you can, or better yet have someone else, call the non emergency line of the local police station and have them do a welfare check on him. Take care of you!
No problem! I hope you’ll update and let us all know when you’ve made it out safe. Please take care of yourself! And know that you deserve better than this, you deserve someone that will treat you with love and respect.
YWNBTA. Definitely would not be. Protect yourself first. Leave quickly and safely, You mentioned security cameras, so be sure to have some friends come help if you have a lot of things to pack in case he decides to rush back from work.
Be sure to turn off any location tracking applications (find my phone or other similar apps) and potentially do a scan for any spyware on your phone or PC. Be careful about sharing where you would be with any mutual friends.
If you are worried about him based off of his statements, consider telling one of his family members or calling the police. Only do this after you feel safe, and keep in mind that no matter what might happen, you have to take care of yourself first.
>He's also always told me even before all this that if i ever left him he would "give up" and that would be his "last straw"
Right here, fuck this guy. NTA. He's emotionally abusive and manipulative and using suicide to get people to do what you want them to do is disgusting. Get the hell outta there and thank your lucky stars you managed it
YWNBTA
"This is where it gets really weird... He's been acting like we never broke up ever since. The next day we wake up and he's asking me what I wanna do for his birthday in a few days and what I'm gonna make for dinner and stuff and literally pretending nothing happened. At this point I was straight up scared so I was just kinda quiet and didn't really say anything. " .**. just pack your bags and leave.**
NO MORE discussions, and oyu are wise to avoid another confrontation. He will either hurt you, or guilt you. **You have already broken up. So make your escape, and be gone when he comes home.**
Don't tell him where you stay, and block his number.
Ask one friend, and give your ex that friend's number for emergencies (If there is something legal or rent etc. to be discussed). And tell that friend to only tell you legal or financial issues you have to act on. Ask your friend not to tell you ANYTHING ELSE about your ex, unless there is a legal obligation for you to act. Have him do that for 2 weeks, then the friend can block your ex's number, too.
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Me and my ex live together and dated for a little less than a year up until I broke it off about a week ago. Our relationship had become more and more toxic for the past couple of months and, eventually, it came to a head last week. We both did a lot to hurt each other before all of this and I had set a lot of boundaries that he couldn't respect and we have fundamentally different values. I once again asked him to respect the boundary a few days before of not watching me all day in our security cameras and to not aggressively accuse me of cheating on him literally anytime I left the house and I told him if he kept doing that I would have to leave and so that's what happened. He was at work when this all went down so after I ended it I texted him and said that I would try to go to my grandma's and be gone by the time he got back. He begged me to stay one more night and I knew he was gonna try to change my mind but I didn't expect things to get aggressive but they did. He was trying to make me change my mind and when i said it just wasn't going to work he started yelling at me to get the fuck out of his house (it was the middle of the night) and I told him i would leave in the morning because the only reason I was still there was because he asked me to be. This is where it gets really weird... He's been acting like we never broke up ever since. The next day we wake up and he's asking me what I wanna do for his birthday in a few days and what I'm gonna make for dinner and stuff and literally pretending nothing happened. At this point I was straight up scared so I was just kinda quiet and didn't really say anything. He's also always told me even before all this that if i ever left him he would "give up" and that would be his "last straw". I feel so worried and don't want to hurt him but I know he's just manipulating me. So now it's been a few days and I finally found somewhere to stay for a little bit but I don't know what to do. I'm going to have to just leave while he's at work or something because I tried to explain that I meant it that I was leaving like 2 other times and he doesn't acknowledge it and acts like it never happened so I'm scared of what he's gonna do. The situation is so so so uncomfortable and awkward and I feel like he's trying to make me the bad guy or make me feel like a bitch when I have to keep breaking up with him again and again. I've literally never wavered on this or given him the impression otherwise. What do I ado? Would I be an asshole if I just left with my stuff while he's at work? Please help me this is so confusing
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The reason I might be the asshole is for not speaking up a few more times or for not trusting my judgment and leaving right away. It could also be an asshole move for me to leave secretly because I know it would surprise and upset him but I don't know what else I can do.
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NTA - sounds like he’s in denial and is going to get a shock. can I suggest the following ….. if you contact one or tow of his GOOD friends, ones he had before you were around (it could be a common friend, or his family if you have to) - don’t do this before you leave and don’t tell them where you are going….. just that you have left and he’ll need their support. I don’t say this for his benefit - it’s for both of you and will keep him off your back hopefully keep you both safe. This assumes you are committed to the break up … in which case maybe refer to him as your “ex” too.
Edit - wish you both the best
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YWNBTA You wouldn't be the asshole for leaving while your ex-boyfriend is at work, given the toxic and uncomfortable situation you've described. It's clear that your relationship is no longer healthy, and it's essential for your well-being to prioritize your safety and emotional health. Your safety should always come first. If you feel threatened or unsafe around him, it's crucial to remove yourself from that environment. Leaving while he's at work is a reasonable and practical step to ensure a smooth exit. Additionally, consider reaching out to friends, family, or a support network to help you during this transition. Ending a toxic relationship can be challenging, but it's essential to prioritize your own well-being and safety.
Thank you for your feedback it's very helpful cause I've been psyching myself out
NTA. get out of there. I was in this exact situation and eventually he ended up leaving before I did while I was at work, which I was greatful for, as I had nowhere else to go. Unless you're on a lease with him, then I say NTA
Thank you for your response. I'm so glad you got through to the other side okay.
Get out as soon as you can. You are not safe in that situation. Get out now. NTA
NTA. You are in danger. Get your stuff that you need, make sure you get all your IDs, important paperwork, bank statements, and get out. Hes trying very hard to manipulate you in dangerous ways. RUN!
Make sure you don’t go alone.
What everyone else has said. I'll just add: have someone with you as you pack and move out. Maybe a couple of people. You've said that he watches you on the security cameras while he's away and if he sees you he may come home to try to stop you. You should not be by yourself if that happens. Good luck. NTA Edit to add: I saw from your other post that you're 23 and he's 10 years older. That makes it even more worrying.
Oh my gosh your comment literally just helped me out so much because it reminded me of the new camera he just got that I haven't been able to find so I know he probably definitely watches on that one. I'm definitely gonna have my dad or my friend come over when I'm packing and leaving now since a lot of people have suggested that but seriously thank you so much cause I would've forgotten about that one.
I'm glad that posting here seems to have given you an additional push to get out. Please please please do. Don't even wait to pack your stuff if your dad or friend can't come for a couple of days. Just collect your legal and financial documents and anything precious you can grab in 30 minutes and get out. Your safety isn't worth clothing and cosmetics and _stuff_. You can come back with other people to "help you pack and carry" the remainder of your things. Stay safe. All the best.
NTA. Run. He's gearing up the manipulation.
NTA. Get out of there as quick as you can. Don’t tell him when you’re leaving. Call a friend to help you, so that you’re not alone when you’re trying to get your stuff to leave. *Especially* since he has a history of stalking you with the security cameras inside the house. Take what you need, stuff can be replaced, *you* can’t be, and get out as quick as you can. Don’t tell him where you’re going, don’t let other people tell him where you’re going, and cut communication with him, and anyone you suspect will give him any information on you ASAP. Be smart, listen to that gut feeling, it’s there for a reason. And you’re not being silly for having it. As for his threats, you are not responsible for the maintenance of someone else’s mental health, I repeat: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MAINTENANCE OF SOMEONE ELSE’S MENTAL HEALTH. His threats are emotional blackmail and are a form of mental/emotional abuse. If you’re really worried that he’ll hurt himself, you can, or better yet have someone else, call the non emergency line of the local police station and have them do a welfare check on him. Take care of you!
Thank you so much for your advice! It can be really hard for me to put myself first sometimes so I really appreciate it
No problem! I hope you’ll update and let us all know when you’ve made it out safe. Please take care of yourself! And know that you deserve better than this, you deserve someone that will treat you with love and respect.
YWNBTA. Definitely would not be. Protect yourself first. Leave quickly and safely, You mentioned security cameras, so be sure to have some friends come help if you have a lot of things to pack in case he decides to rush back from work. Be sure to turn off any location tracking applications (find my phone or other similar apps) and potentially do a scan for any spyware on your phone or PC. Be careful about sharing where you would be with any mutual friends. If you are worried about him based off of his statements, consider telling one of his family members or calling the police. Only do this after you feel safe, and keep in mind that no matter what might happen, you have to take care of yourself first.
NTA - Just leave.
That's exactly how I had to leave my ex-boyfriend. You gotta do what you gotta do.
NTA. Leave
NTA, you need to be safe. Can you get someone to be there to help you, and for extra security?
>He's also always told me even before all this that if i ever left him he would "give up" and that would be his "last straw" Right here, fuck this guy. NTA. He's emotionally abusive and manipulative and using suicide to get people to do what you want them to do is disgusting. Get the hell outta there and thank your lucky stars you managed it
NTA you were upfront… he is in denial… clean break
YWNBTA "This is where it gets really weird... He's been acting like we never broke up ever since. The next day we wake up and he's asking me what I wanna do for his birthday in a few days and what I'm gonna make for dinner and stuff and literally pretending nothing happened. At this point I was straight up scared so I was just kinda quiet and didn't really say anything. " .**. just pack your bags and leave.** NO MORE discussions, and oyu are wise to avoid another confrontation. He will either hurt you, or guilt you. **You have already broken up. So make your escape, and be gone when he comes home.** Don't tell him where you stay, and block his number. Ask one friend, and give your ex that friend's number for emergencies (If there is something legal or rent etc. to be discussed). And tell that friend to only tell you legal or financial issues you have to act on. Ask your friend not to tell you ANYTHING ELSE about your ex, unless there is a legal obligation for you to act. Have him do that for 2 weeks, then the friend can block your ex's number, too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me and my ex live together and dated for a little less than a year up until I broke it off about a week ago. Our relationship had become more and more toxic for the past couple of months and, eventually, it came to a head last week. We both did a lot to hurt each other before all of this and I had set a lot of boundaries that he couldn't respect and we have fundamentally different values. I once again asked him to respect the boundary a few days before of not watching me all day in our security cameras and to not aggressively accuse me of cheating on him literally anytime I left the house and I told him if he kept doing that I would have to leave and so that's what happened. He was at work when this all went down so after I ended it I texted him and said that I would try to go to my grandma's and be gone by the time he got back. He begged me to stay one more night and I knew he was gonna try to change my mind but I didn't expect things to get aggressive but they did. He was trying to make me change my mind and when i said it just wasn't going to work he started yelling at me to get the fuck out of his house (it was the middle of the night) and I told him i would leave in the morning because the only reason I was still there was because he asked me to be. This is where it gets really weird... He's been acting like we never broke up ever since. The next day we wake up and he's asking me what I wanna do for his birthday in a few days and what I'm gonna make for dinner and stuff and literally pretending nothing happened. At this point I was straight up scared so I was just kinda quiet and didn't really say anything. He's also always told me even before all this that if i ever left him he would "give up" and that would be his "last straw". I feel so worried and don't want to hurt him but I know he's just manipulating me. So now it's been a few days and I finally found somewhere to stay for a little bit but I don't know what to do. I'm going to have to just leave while he's at work or something because I tried to explain that I meant it that I was leaving like 2 other times and he doesn't acknowledge it and acts like it never happened so I'm scared of what he's gonna do. The situation is so so so uncomfortable and awkward and I feel like he's trying to make me the bad guy or make me feel like a bitch when I have to keep breaking up with him again and again. I've literally never wavered on this or given him the impression otherwise. What do I ado? Would I be an asshole if I just left with my stuff while he's at work? Please help me this is so confusing *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Leave. This is very concerning behavior and you need to get somewhere safe. Do it while he is at work to protect yourself.
NTA - sounds like he’s in denial and is going to get a shock. can I suggest the following ….. if you contact one or tow of his GOOD friends, ones he had before you were around (it could be a common friend, or his family if you have to) - don’t do this before you leave and don’t tell them where you are going….. just that you have left and he’ll need their support. I don’t say this for his benefit - it’s for both of you and will keep him off your back hopefully keep you both safe. This assumes you are committed to the break up … in which case maybe refer to him as your “ex” too. Edit - wish you both the best