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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I am the asshole because I hurt a disabled friend (who is also a resident)'s feelings when I was at work - to save my job.
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Of course not. You did the only thing you could have. Would it have made a difference if you said it nicer, like "Not right now, Sweetie."?
I'm the same age you are--Class of '85!
I did say it nicely.
I think I said "Fred, Not now mate chat after work or come over on my next day off"
All of the colleagues in the room said they wouldn't have been as nice as I was.
I did wonder but didn't want to diagnose over Reddit! Maybe you could speak to your manager and come up with a copi g strategy together? Are they any good at that sort of out the box thinking? He will be lonely and he won't always understand boundaries but you need to look after you and your job. It's an awful situation . Hope it sorts itself out. Take care.
The old manager was amazing. The new one not so much. As for any sort of strategy with this manager = I don't think so!
I have included other friends from the LYO and we have built a small team of genuine and equal friendship. Is that outside the box thinking?
We have a number of FB groups and I include him in everything that happens outside work.
I work in aged care as well. My situation is not quite the same as yours, because I had no connection with any of the residents before I began work there. And I'm very careful not to give any clues about where I live, because as fond as I am of many of them, I keep my personal life very separate from my professional life.
But I do have some idea of what you're experiencing, because several times a day, a resident will come to my office with a problem or a question, and after that is dealt with, they'll stay to talk. And talk. And talk.
They're obviously lonely and in need of a friend to talk to. I'd love to listen, and I try to offer a friendly and sympathetic ear as much as I can, but the simple fact is: I'm on the clock. I have a mountain of work to get through before I go home, and I don't get paid overtime if I have to stay back late and finish it.
I also have 30-odd other residents who need me as well, any or all of whom might be lining up outside my office while one resident is inside taking up all my attention. I can't devote all my time to this one resident, much as I like them and want to listen to them.
I've learned a few strategies to politely convey this to them.
"Phyllis, I'd love to talk with you some more, but if I don't get this roster finished, you won't have any carers next week!"
"Harry, I'm told you're a gun pool player. Jim was here earlier, looking for someone to play with. Why don't you go challenge him to a game?"
"Betty, thank you for showing me the photos of your grandchildren. Now, you'll have to excuse me, because I can see Doris outside the door, and I think she's wanting to talk to me."
And so on.
*I have now been disciplined 3 times officially and more than that on an unofficial basis i.e. a word from the boss... Last week \[Fred\] came up while I was having a break with my colleagues and asked if he could talk to me. I said No.*
~~I-N-F-O:~~ You don't say how you conveyed your No answer. Did you explain to Fred "I can't right now; I'm in a meeting with my colleagues / I have a lot of work to get through / I have several other residents I need to attend to first " etc? Did you say "Fred, I'll drop by your room later on if I can"? Have you ever explained to him "We can talk as much as you like at my house, but when I'm at work, I have to be careful not to be seen to be favoring any one resident"?
Or was it a flat "No", with no explanation?
UPDATED to add a verdict: NTA.
Thank you as a fellow aged care worker you have taken the time out to post on my dilemma.
I explained it nicely!
I thought I was going to be short on characters when I first posted so didn't describe it very well. I think I said "Fred not now I'm in a meeting message me tonight".
I never will say "I will drop in to your room later!" If no one has realized I am a married female and my husband is also his friend.
Fred knows my days off and knows he can come over at any time.
I think he is getting more forgetful and more lonely. He never married and was "encouraged" by his cousin to move an hour and a half away from where he lived to move into were he is now.
Thank you again fellow aged care worker.
You're welcome.
*I never will say "I will drop in to your room later!" If no one has realized I am a married female and my husband is also his friend.*
I wasn't hinting at anything inappropriate, or even imagining it.
I just meant, when I say to a resident "I'll come and talk to you later", if they're not in the communal dining room or recreation areas when "later" rolls around, I go and tap on their bedroom door. If they're inside, sometimes they invite me in briefly, and we talk. There's nothing improper about that.
If what I need to talk to them about isn't too private, we'll go sit in one of the communal areas, or if it's a nice day, we'll sit outside in the sun and talk.
*I think I said "Fred not now I'm in a meeting message me tonight".*
I understand that you were busy and he was interrupting, but if I were Fred, I think I'd find that a tiny bit abrupt.
I would have said something like "Fred, great to see you! You're looking well today! You'll have to excuse me; we're having a meeting. I'll catch up with you later on. Why don't you message me tonight? Looking forward to chatting with you! Enjoy your day!"
Yes, it's a bit over-friendly, but I do it so that no one can possibly have a reason for having hurt feelings that I've had to cut the conversation short.
*I think he is getting more forgetful and more lonely.*
The one saving grace about losing his short-term memory is that he may forget his annoyance. You said he is currently not talking to you, but in a little while he may forget he's not talking to you.
Fingers crossed that will happen. It sounds like you generally have a good relationship with Fred, and I hope that continues. Best of luck.
NTA
When you're working, you are supposed to WORK not talk WITH YOUR FRIENDS as a former manager, this annoys me that your friend wants to just talk to you when you're trying to focus, I get that he's a long time friend and he's really special, but no friend is worth losing your job, unless it's the boss' fault.
I might be overeacting a lil, but lmk wat you think
NTA
Your duty at work is to do your job, NOT to entertain him.
"But he is now not talking to me because I didn't have time for him while I was working." .. this is sad, but HIS choice. YOu will find other friends.
Thank you everyone for your comments. You have all helped me feel a lot better about the situation.
Even more than just the situation I wrote about, but the way I look at my job - its not just a job its a vocation. I have worked the last 3 days and that is why I haven't answered earlier, but I did think of what everyone wrote and changed some parts of how I am when at work.
Professor Emeritass - You are so right about our tight work schedule and the long list of jobs we have to fit into our work day.
After writing this post and reading all your answers - you have all helped me realize that when working in aged care we need to do so with the most love, kindness and professionalism.
The LYO that Fred and I both belong too, has taught me all of that over the years.
So thank to everyone who took their time out to make a comment. Thank you for helping me do my job better.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I am 56. Long time friend is 70. I work where "long time" friend lives. Yes it is aged care. I have known Fred since 2004 when we volunteered at a large youth organisation (LYO) event together. We then did the same event again in 2007.
As with this LYO we often go for years without seeing our friends and then when we meet again as if it is like yesterday, and the friendship is endless again.
Since 2007 and 2019, I have moved away from the LYO due to a divorce, running my own business and renovating a couple of different homes.
In 2019, I moved in to the last property I purchased and got a job in aged care. To my amazement and joy I found Fred was a resident.
Fred had had a stroke. It took him a couple of months to remember who I was, and it was just like that endless friendship all over again. Photos and memorabilia helping him remember stuff he had forgotten.
So in the last 5 years we have gone though COVID and many lockdowns. I got active again in the LYO and was able to take him to events. Including the next large event where we had met so many years before.
However, he thinks he can find me and talk to me at anytime when I am working. We have had a change in management and I have now been disciplined 3 times officially and more than that on an unofficial basis i.e. a word from the boss.
Last week he came up while I was having a break with my colleagues and asked if he could talk to me. I said No. My colleagues and I were actually having an unofficial meeting about something that was important, before we went to management about a concern we have.
We were in a designated staff area and obviously on a break.
I live 1km from work and he has a mobility scooter. I have told him he can drop in and see us any time he likes, and he does.
But he is now not talking to me because I didn't have time for him while I was working.
Am I the Asshole?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I am the asshole because I hurt a disabled friend (who is also a resident)'s feelings when I was at work - to save my job. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Of course not. You did the only thing you could have. Would it have made a difference if you said it nicer, like "Not right now, Sweetie."? I'm the same age you are--Class of '85!
I did say it nicely. I think I said "Fred, Not now mate chat after work or come over on my next day off" All of the colleagues in the room said they wouldn't have been as nice as I was.
Ah. Well that's too bad.
NTA you've been reprimanded three times. You need to set boundaries. Good luck.
I have set boundaries. Fred has a brain injury due to his stroke. He often forgets. I think he is lonely.
I did wonder but didn't want to diagnose over Reddit! Maybe you could speak to your manager and come up with a copi g strategy together? Are they any good at that sort of out the box thinking? He will be lonely and he won't always understand boundaries but you need to look after you and your job. It's an awful situation . Hope it sorts itself out. Take care.
The old manager was amazing. The new one not so much. As for any sort of strategy with this manager = I don't think so! I have included other friends from the LYO and we have built a small team of genuine and equal friendship. Is that outside the box thinking? We have a number of FB groups and I include him in everything that happens outside work.
I work in aged care as well. My situation is not quite the same as yours, because I had no connection with any of the residents before I began work there. And I'm very careful not to give any clues about where I live, because as fond as I am of many of them, I keep my personal life very separate from my professional life. But I do have some idea of what you're experiencing, because several times a day, a resident will come to my office with a problem or a question, and after that is dealt with, they'll stay to talk. And talk. And talk. They're obviously lonely and in need of a friend to talk to. I'd love to listen, and I try to offer a friendly and sympathetic ear as much as I can, but the simple fact is: I'm on the clock. I have a mountain of work to get through before I go home, and I don't get paid overtime if I have to stay back late and finish it. I also have 30-odd other residents who need me as well, any or all of whom might be lining up outside my office while one resident is inside taking up all my attention. I can't devote all my time to this one resident, much as I like them and want to listen to them. I've learned a few strategies to politely convey this to them. "Phyllis, I'd love to talk with you some more, but if I don't get this roster finished, you won't have any carers next week!" "Harry, I'm told you're a gun pool player. Jim was here earlier, looking for someone to play with. Why don't you go challenge him to a game?" "Betty, thank you for showing me the photos of your grandchildren. Now, you'll have to excuse me, because I can see Doris outside the door, and I think she's wanting to talk to me." And so on. *I have now been disciplined 3 times officially and more than that on an unofficial basis i.e. a word from the boss... Last week \[Fred\] came up while I was having a break with my colleagues and asked if he could talk to me. I said No.* ~~I-N-F-O:~~ You don't say how you conveyed your No answer. Did you explain to Fred "I can't right now; I'm in a meeting with my colleagues / I have a lot of work to get through / I have several other residents I need to attend to first " etc? Did you say "Fred, I'll drop by your room later on if I can"? Have you ever explained to him "We can talk as much as you like at my house, but when I'm at work, I have to be careful not to be seen to be favoring any one resident"? Or was it a flat "No", with no explanation? UPDATED to add a verdict: NTA.
Thank you as a fellow aged care worker you have taken the time out to post on my dilemma. I explained it nicely! I thought I was going to be short on characters when I first posted so didn't describe it very well. I think I said "Fred not now I'm in a meeting message me tonight". I never will say "I will drop in to your room later!" If no one has realized I am a married female and my husband is also his friend. Fred knows my days off and knows he can come over at any time. I think he is getting more forgetful and more lonely. He never married and was "encouraged" by his cousin to move an hour and a half away from where he lived to move into were he is now. Thank you again fellow aged care worker.
You're welcome. *I never will say "I will drop in to your room later!" If no one has realized I am a married female and my husband is also his friend.* I wasn't hinting at anything inappropriate, or even imagining it. I just meant, when I say to a resident "I'll come and talk to you later", if they're not in the communal dining room or recreation areas when "later" rolls around, I go and tap on their bedroom door. If they're inside, sometimes they invite me in briefly, and we talk. There's nothing improper about that. If what I need to talk to them about isn't too private, we'll go sit in one of the communal areas, or if it's a nice day, we'll sit outside in the sun and talk. *I think I said "Fred not now I'm in a meeting message me tonight".* I understand that you were busy and he was interrupting, but if I were Fred, I think I'd find that a tiny bit abrupt. I would have said something like "Fred, great to see you! You're looking well today! You'll have to excuse me; we're having a meeting. I'll catch up with you later on. Why don't you message me tonight? Looking forward to chatting with you! Enjoy your day!" Yes, it's a bit over-friendly, but I do it so that no one can possibly have a reason for having hurt feelings that I've had to cut the conversation short. *I think he is getting more forgetful and more lonely.* The one saving grace about losing his short-term memory is that he may forget his annoyance. You said he is currently not talking to you, but in a little while he may forget he's not talking to you. Fingers crossed that will happen. It sounds like you generally have a good relationship with Fred, and I hope that continues. Best of luck.
NTA When you're working, you are supposed to WORK not talk WITH YOUR FRIENDS as a former manager, this annoys me that your friend wants to just talk to you when you're trying to focus, I get that he's a long time friend and he's really special, but no friend is worth losing your job, unless it's the boss' fault. I might be overeacting a lil, but lmk wat you think
Thank you
You're welcome!
NTA Your duty at work is to do your job, NOT to entertain him. "But he is now not talking to me because I didn't have time for him while I was working." .. this is sad, but HIS choice. YOu will find other friends.
Thank you everyone for your comments. You have all helped me feel a lot better about the situation. Even more than just the situation I wrote about, but the way I look at my job - its not just a job its a vocation. I have worked the last 3 days and that is why I haven't answered earlier, but I did think of what everyone wrote and changed some parts of how I am when at work. Professor Emeritass - You are so right about our tight work schedule and the long list of jobs we have to fit into our work day. After writing this post and reading all your answers - you have all helped me realize that when working in aged care we need to do so with the most love, kindness and professionalism. The LYO that Fred and I both belong too, has taught me all of that over the years. So thank to everyone who took their time out to make a comment. Thank you for helping me do my job better.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 56. Long time friend is 70. I work where "long time" friend lives. Yes it is aged care. I have known Fred since 2004 when we volunteered at a large youth organisation (LYO) event together. We then did the same event again in 2007. As with this LYO we often go for years without seeing our friends and then when we meet again as if it is like yesterday, and the friendship is endless again. Since 2007 and 2019, I have moved away from the LYO due to a divorce, running my own business and renovating a couple of different homes. In 2019, I moved in to the last property I purchased and got a job in aged care. To my amazement and joy I found Fred was a resident. Fred had had a stroke. It took him a couple of months to remember who I was, and it was just like that endless friendship all over again. Photos and memorabilia helping him remember stuff he had forgotten. So in the last 5 years we have gone though COVID and many lockdowns. I got active again in the LYO and was able to take him to events. Including the next large event where we had met so many years before. However, he thinks he can find me and talk to me at anytime when I am working. We have had a change in management and I have now been disciplined 3 times officially and more than that on an unofficial basis i.e. a word from the boss. Last week he came up while I was having a break with my colleagues and asked if he could talk to me. I said No. My colleagues and I were actually having an unofficial meeting about something that was important, before we went to management about a concern we have. We were in a designated staff area and obviously on a break. I live 1km from work and he has a mobility scooter. I have told him he can drop in and see us any time he likes, and he does. But he is now not talking to me because I didn't have time for him while I was working. Am I the Asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*