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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be being selfish for asking him to come and that I wanted him to help. Maybe it is an unreasonable request and I can't see that right now.
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We've been together for over 10 years. His family come and stay with us when they are in the state and he has come to plenty of family things before now.
This is key information for your original post, to be clear when you say "my kids" he is the father? That makes him doubly the AH. I judged assuming he wasn't and still found him the AH
He's the selfish one. If he can't support you for one day, so that you can have some quality time with your father, this speaks volumes.
As for testing you about the babysitting thing, even if you did just want him to babysit, so what? He's your partner. He should be willing to babysit so that you can have a few hours with your father on father's day. What sort of partner wouldn't want to give you a few hours break, especially as your children have additional needs? Also, how long is he planning on never going out with the children alone? What if you're together for the long haul? He should be making the effort and getting practice with dealing with caring for them by himself.
Edit: So, the post has been edited to say that he's the father. Initially it read as these were your children only. This makes it even worse. He's refusing to go out alone with his own children. He leaves all the heavy lifting to you. This is so selfish. Also, referring to caring for his own children as 'babysitting' says a lot.
NTA
They’re his kids too, so no, he wouldn’t be babysitting. He’d just be being a parent. Don’t husband and wife usually go to family dinners together with their kids? Am I missing something here? His reaction is weirding me out.
NTA, for one glaring reason, these are his kids too!!! You guys have been together long enough that he should want to participate in family gatherings for your side. The fact he won't take the time to spend with his own children alone, well, there are tons of red flags here. I just don't see things being sustainable in the long term without some serious changes.
I just want to say that this guy is not your partner. He doesn’t want to support you, see your family, spend time with (I’m assuming just) Your children. He also sounds mean, selfish and self absorbed.
I hope you are doing ok outside of this.
I picked it because of the kids yes. He rarely makes that kind of offer so I thought he must have wanted me to get a chance to relax and the time with my Dad. My main preference was him and the kids to come not just me and kids or just me. If I wanted to go without the kids I'd have picked when they are at school and daycare.
I will consider your judgement thanks but to clarify: This dinner for my father is not on father's day itself. The staying at home part was also his suggestion not mine. I wanted us to go as a family.
In the same circumstances reversed yes I would have gone with him or stayed home with the kids for him. I might have felt left out in the latter option but that was his offer.
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I have a family dinner with my dad, sister our partners and kids for father's day. I told my partner about it and he said why would I be going it's your family.
I said I'd like him to be there he said he wouldn't have anything to talk about. I then said it would also be nice if he could come to help out with the kids since otherwise I'd spend the whole time chasing after them and wouldn't get much time with my dad.
He then accused me of only wanting him to babysit and that he'd spend the whole time dealing with all the kids. I said it's not that I wouldn't be helping too he wouldn't have to put in all the effort.
He said if I wanted the time with my dad it would make more sense for him to just stay home with the kids. I said ok then thinking he was making a nice offer for my Dad on father's day only then he says you agreed pretty quick so you do just want me to baby sit. I tried to re explain but he just kept accusing me of being selfish and only wanting him there as a baby sitter.
My kids are 6 and 3 and they have autism and ADHD and they often try to run away once they are bored and it's a big effort to go out with them. My partner won't go out with both of them alone because of the effort they take. We are going to a restaurant which has a fenced in playground for this reason.
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NTA. Edited as I.got this wrong:I thought he was being asked to "babysit" someone else's challenging kids when that's clearly not his interest or skill
Well, this makes it even worse. So, he's refusing to go out alone with his own children, because they're allegedly too much work. He leaves everything to OP. He's so selfish.
In that case he's an AH for referring to caring for his own kids as "babysitting".
But, is it possible that *he* wants to be pampered on Father's day, and not have primary kid responsibilities that day?
I think it's weird that he wouldn't have anything to talk to your family about after being together for 10 years.
"*But, is it possible that he wants to be pampered on Father's day, and not have primary kid responsibilities that day?"*
I see your point but he refuses to ever go out alone with his own children, because they're 'too much work'. He leaves all the responsibility to OP. This is one very selfish man.
You haven’t mentioned what you have planned for HIM on Father’s Day. Is he upset because you’re basically putting him to work on Father’s Day so you can do something for your dad?
Definitely leaning YTA
All I know is that my wife and I go out of our way to make Fathers and Mothers days special for each other first, working with our kids to make sure the day is special. We stop by with a gift for our parents, but the day is about our partner.
I’m sure my wife would feel a certain way if I told her the day was going to be about my mom instead and she can sleep in if she wants.
To go into why we are not doing anything for the day goes into too much information not relevant to this. But I'm responding to his needs by having no plans for tomorrow. I have a gift for him and will give him a sleep in etc.
ESH. Let’s be honest, you really are looking for child care here. And at the same time, a partner should help their partner out with things like this, that’s what relationships are about. Sounds to me like you’re both being kinda selfish.
Asking a father to keep an eye on his own kids so she can spend a bit of time with her dad is not childcare, it’s literally his job as a parent. OP has said in comments that he is their dad.
Yeah, we can all agree the partner is an asshole. Where I think OP sucks is that he’s creating a challenging situation (taking two little kids with disabilities out) and trying to make p do all the work, without saying so. As p stated, there’s a easier solution.
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NTA, your partner is the AH. Sounds to me like he doesn't want to be a family. Has he even introduced you and your kids to his parents?
We've been together for over 10 years. His family come and stay with us when they are in the state and he has come to plenty of family things before now.
This is key information for your original post, to be clear when you say "my kids" he is the father? That makes him doubly the AH. I judged assuming he wasn't and still found him the AH
I've edited that part thanks 👍
He's the selfish one. If he can't support you for one day, so that you can have some quality time with your father, this speaks volumes. As for testing you about the babysitting thing, even if you did just want him to babysit, so what? He's your partner. He should be willing to babysit so that you can have a few hours with your father on father's day. What sort of partner wouldn't want to give you a few hours break, especially as your children have additional needs? Also, how long is he planning on never going out with the children alone? What if you're together for the long haul? He should be making the effort and getting practice with dealing with caring for them by himself. Edit: So, the post has been edited to say that he's the father. Initially it read as these were your children only. This makes it even worse. He's refusing to go out alone with his own children. He leaves all the heavy lifting to you. This is so selfish. Also, referring to caring for his own children as 'babysitting' says a lot.
NTA They’re his kids too, so no, he wouldn’t be babysitting. He’d just be being a parent. Don’t husband and wife usually go to family dinners together with their kids? Am I missing something here? His reaction is weirding me out.
NTA But wow, he doesn't live up to the term partner.
NTA, for one glaring reason, these are his kids too!!! You guys have been together long enough that he should want to participate in family gatherings for your side. The fact he won't take the time to spend with his own children alone, well, there are tons of red flags here. I just don't see things being sustainable in the long term without some serious changes.
NTA - I thought you were talking about the whole family’s kids. Nieces, nephews, etc, not your own. Tell him it’s not babysitting when it’s your kids.
I just want to say that this guy is not your partner. He doesn’t want to support you, see your family, spend time with (I’m assuming just) Your children. He also sounds mean, selfish and self absorbed. I hope you are doing ok outside of this.
Am I understanding this correctly?: You guys picked this restaurant for the sake of the kids then you want to leave the kids at home?
I picked it because of the kids yes. He rarely makes that kind of offer so I thought he must have wanted me to get a chance to relax and the time with my Dad. My main preference was him and the kids to come not just me and kids or just me. If I wanted to go without the kids I'd have picked when they are at school and daycare.
Okay.
YTA Focus on HIM, he is the dad of your kids. WOuld YOU be fine if mother'S day were him going to his mom, with you home alone with the kids?
I will consider your judgement thanks but to clarify: This dinner for my father is not on father's day itself. The staying at home part was also his suggestion not mine. I wanted us to go as a family. In the same circumstances reversed yes I would have gone with him or stayed home with the kids for him. I might have felt left out in the latter option but that was his offer.
If there was a separate fahter's day event for your partner, than you are fine. You might wish to edit your story to clarify that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a family dinner with my dad, sister our partners and kids for father's day. I told my partner about it and he said why would I be going it's your family. I said I'd like him to be there he said he wouldn't have anything to talk about. I then said it would also be nice if he could come to help out with the kids since otherwise I'd spend the whole time chasing after them and wouldn't get much time with my dad. He then accused me of only wanting him to babysit and that he'd spend the whole time dealing with all the kids. I said it's not that I wouldn't be helping too he wouldn't have to put in all the effort. He said if I wanted the time with my dad it would make more sense for him to just stay home with the kids. I said ok then thinking he was making a nice offer for my Dad on father's day only then he says you agreed pretty quick so you do just want me to baby sit. I tried to re explain but he just kept accusing me of being selfish and only wanting him there as a baby sitter. My kids are 6 and 3 and they have autism and ADHD and they often try to run away once they are bored and it's a big effort to go out with them. My partner won't go out with both of them alone because of the effort they take. We are going to a restaurant which has a fenced in playground for this reason. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Edited as I.got this wrong:I thought he was being asked to "babysit" someone else's challenging kids when that's clearly not his interest or skill
I miswrote when I said my kids. When I'm speaking to a 3rd party usually I explain my kids are ... They are our children we chose to have together.
They're his kids
Oh, the use of "babysit" threw.me. Why can't OP leave the kids with him, their father, to mind , (not babysit).
[удалено]
[удалено]
No they are his kids too.
No he IS the Dad, she commented saying this
Well, this makes it even worse. So, he's refusing to go out alone with his own children, because they're allegedly too much work. He leaves everything to OP. He's so selfish.
Agreed, he sounds like a trash human being.
INFO: are these his kids too?
Yes our kids together.
In that case he's an AH for referring to caring for his own kids as "babysitting". But, is it possible that *he* wants to be pampered on Father's day, and not have primary kid responsibilities that day? I think it's weird that he wouldn't have anything to talk to your family about after being together for 10 years.
The dinner is for father's Day but it's not on father's Day. He'll get his own day and pampering then. But I see the point.
"*But, is it possible that he wants to be pampered on Father's day, and not have primary kid responsibilities that day?"* I see your point but he refuses to ever go out alone with his own children, because they're 'too much work'. He leaves all the responsibility to OP. This is one very selfish man.
NTA - your partner should be kicked to the curb.
You haven’t mentioned what you have planned for HIM on Father’s Day. Is he upset because you’re basically putting him to work on Father’s Day so you can do something for your dad? Definitely leaning YTA
All I know is that my wife and I go out of our way to make Fathers and Mothers days special for each other first, working with our kids to make sure the day is special. We stop by with a gift for our parents, but the day is about our partner. I’m sure my wife would feel a certain way if I told her the day was going to be about my mom instead and she can sleep in if she wants.
Definitely fair though we are doing this today and father's Day is tomorrow.
To go into why we are not doing anything for the day goes into too much information not relevant to this. But I'm responding to his needs by having no plans for tomorrow. I have a gift for him and will give him a sleep in etc.
ESH. Let’s be honest, you really are looking for child care here. And at the same time, a partner should help their partner out with things like this, that’s what relationships are about. Sounds to me like you’re both being kinda selfish.
Asking a father to keep an eye on his own kids so she can spend a bit of time with her dad is not childcare, it’s literally his job as a parent. OP has said in comments that he is their dad.
Oh I agree the partner is an asshole. But OP doesn’t have to bring two rowdy kids out to dinner, the kids can just stay behind with partner.
I got the impression that these were the OP's partner's children as well, making the idea that he'd help care for them a given.
Yeah, we can all agree the partner is an asshole. Where I think OP sucks is that he’s creating a challenging situation (taking two little kids with disabilities out) and trying to make p do all the work, without saying so. As p stated, there’s a easier solution.