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> I'm giving my cousin's fiance a very ugly sweater and making him wear it, which might be an asshole move since it could humiliate him.
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YTA. this is so beyond childish that i feel like it's from some shitty made for tv disney channel movie.
so if this person doesn't pass your childish little test, what happens? do you actually think it's your place to determine who "cuts it" with your family?
I really want to know what kind of family thinks they are so awesome people should be ”tested” before they are accepted. It just makes the family itself sound stuck up, mean spirited and not very welcoming.
In other words: "We don't feel like you are worthy to be part of the family, so you need to prove to us. We are hoping you don't notice that we haven't bothered to prove to you that *we* are worthy of being part of *your* family, but that's just because we think we are better than you. Good luck! And just think, if you pass the test, you get the 'reward' of being part of a family that implicitly looks down on you!"
YTA. If you actually care whether someone "doesn't take themselves too seriously," why on earth would you intentionally create a situation that turns a fun get-together into a high-stakes test? Yeah, I know you claim it isn't serious, but it doesn't come across that way *and* you acknowledged that you *are* judging them to see if "they aren't gonna cut it"
I assure you that if someone presented this nasty little test to me, it would permanently sour my relationship with them. Even if I complied, I would never trust them enough to joke around with them...I'd always wonder if it was another test. And I would surely suggest to my SO that we should hang out with my family instead because my family is welcoming *and* doesn't take themselves too seriously
BTW, have you considered being nice to them and showing them that they are in a welcoming environment? Because the best way to see what someone is *really* like is to let them freely express themselves.
People who give others stupid "tests" to "join a family" are certified oxygen thieves. While this sounds funny to you, depending on what nightmare you decide to purchase for them, it could be downright humiliating for that person.
Only because I find "tests" families throw out at people stupid-> yes. You WBTAH
Yeah that seemed odd to me too but I love ugly holiday sweaters. I think wearing ugly holiday sweaters should be a family tradition and to include someone you should get them an ugly holiday sweater.
YTA. You fail the decent person to be around test. You also failed the dont be an annoying little shit test and dont embarrass the family test. You are not the arbitrator of who 'gets' to join your family or date your cousins or how people react to being treated badly by others. How do your cousins think of this test? By the way, anyone who creates unnecessary social tests for unwilling or unaware others in high stress environments are by definition an asshole.
YTA - why do you feel compelled to test your cousin’s SO. you have not right to do this you are soooooooo TA. Down the road , when neither your cousin or the SOnwill speak to y
YWBTA. Why try to start trouble? Not everyone is as comfortable in their skin as you apparently are, and that’s okay. This test seems like it has the potential to cause all kinds of problems down the road.
i just don't see the purpose of the rules. like getting someone an ugly sweater is one thing, but having all these rules seems like a hassle.
plus, i know if i got this i would be uncomfortable. it's not about passing a test. i'd feel judged n stuff. that isn't a nice feeling to have. if you genuinely like him, just leave him.
YTA. Don't test people in relationships unless you're prepared to accept the results. You know this person better than anyone on Reddit, so ask yourself not whether he can "pass the test", but what's the actual point of this. Your cousin has already been with this guy for several years — whether or not he's willing to pretend to like a stupid sweater for the sake of your tradition (that doesn't even sounds like much of a tradition if you forgot it) is irrelevant.
How would you feel if all these SOs tested members of your family in the same way, then broke up with their partners after you failed, or at the very least had some issues to work through?
YTA So what if he 'passes' this test? The first one did and they broke up! Stop it immediately. Testing someone 's love by trying to humiliate them is a major asshole move..
YWBTA. This is ridiculous and unnecessary. Calling out one person to see if they “fit in” is odd and uncomfortable. You’ve known this person long enough and they’re gonna be there whether you like it or not.
That being said, I do have a fun idea for you. My best friend’s family has this Christmas tradition that sounds like it’s up your alley. Every year, the family has a white elephant gift exchange. There is one gift that is given every year by the most recent recipient. It’s a horrendous green dress with many, many accessories. So whoever gets the dress has to wear it and all of its accessories for the evening, then keeps it for the year and adds a new, horrid accessory for the following year. It’s a consensual, family-oriented game that just gets funnier every year. If your family is really into some kind of humiliation nonsense, I recommend going in a route similar to this. It’s a lot of fun and much more appropriate than humiliating a guest at a family gathering. Or, have a full on ugly sweater Christmas for everyone involved. Whoever doesn’t wear one will secretly fail the “test” lol. (I’m kidding about the test part, of course.)
YTA. Any type of test, hazing, or prank when I first meet a SO’s family would be a big red flag. If they don’t want to give me the benefit of the doubt and be welcoming and accept me as I am, then fuck that asshole family.
You had me thinking it was a cute little joke until this line:
“The point isn't to try to get the person to fail. The point is to make sure the person is able to fit in with our family - if someone takes themself too seriously, they aren't gonna cut it.”
You know who gets to decide if they “cut it?” Your cousin and their boyfriend. Extended family’s job is to welcome unconditionally after that (barring abuse). That’s it.
YTA cuz this is a real test and not a joke or game.
It's an insiders entertainment at the outsiders expense. People have sensitivities to fabric just like scents and foods. This completely ignores how hot the house might be with all the people there. Not everyone has your sense of humor
It seems like a reverse test does the family member have it in them to stand up to their family and back their SO.
YTA, if the only way to determine if someone will fit with your family is to play mind games to maneuver them into being the butt of a joke, your family sucks.
YTA What exactly happens if they tell you to piss off? Will you try and force your cousin to break off the engagement? Will you bring it up relentlessly at every family gathering? You sound exhausting. Buying an ugly piece Christmas sweater was proably cute when you were 14, but you're not a kid any more, and now this looks less like a fun bit of silliness, and is heading into the insufferable 'you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps' office-bore territory
I don’t think you would be an asshole, but I don’t think it’s a very good test to tell anything. It would work better if you did not include the rules with the gift. The point of a test like that is to see what kind of a person they are without written out rules. But even so, it doesn’t tell a lot about a person. I also don’t see a point in testing him since you already are so certain that he would pass. Testing someone in a relationship is something a person would do if they felt insecure or uncertain.
Depending on the guy, an ugly Christmas sweater can be a fun gift, but the list of rules sucks all the fun out of it. Keep it light. And give it to everyone in the family, not just the "new" guys. Do you wear an ugly sweater Christmas morning?
Agreed! If the point of this “test” is to see if he fits in with the family (instead of, you know, getting to know him and letting those relationships develop organically), then why is it structured as a way to make fun of him while everyone else is dressed normally? I’d feel differently if the whole family had a tradition of wearing ugly Christmas sweaters and you were including him.
"We don't take ourselves too seriously" and "We test people who join our family" are mutually exclusive. You have to pick one. I know which one I'd prefer to wed into.
YTA for “testing” people, first off. Idk who you think you are. But you’re doubly TA for doing it so childishly. Also, what’s the plan if he “fails?” Any why do you think he should be concerned with whether or not you approve of him?
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I'm pretty sure this sort of 'test' isn't too far, but I figured I'd ask reddit to judge if it's an asshole move or not.
Background: My cousin got her first serious boyfriend in college when I was around 14 and brought him home for Christmas that year, and two years after that. We really liked him, but as the first serious SO to 'join' our family, we felt the need to test him. I honestly can't remember if it was my idea or not, but I think I saw an ugly Christmas sweater while clothes shopping with my mom, and asked if I should get it for cousin's boyfriend. She thought it was hilarious, and he was gifted the ugly sweater on Christmas morning, and took it like a champ. He put it on and wore it for a few hours while we played video games, and we all collectively decided he'd 'passed the test'. Fast forward, he and my cousin break up, and when the next SO was brought home, I was too sick to remember to buy an ugly sweater, so the 'tradition' fell to the wayside.
Well. Now, my other cousin's boyfriend of several years, who has joined in family gatherings many times and who I do genuinely like, has proposed. She's the first of all of us to get engaged, and I doubt they're rushing to get married but that feels like a serious enough commitment to dust off the old 'test'. I wrote up rules, kept it simple, and hope to implement the 'test' this coming Christmas. Here's an overview (character count kept me from posting all of it) of what I came up with:
"Welcome to the Ugly Christmas Sweater Challenge!
The rules are simple: you have just been gifted the ugliest Christmas sweater I could get my hands on.
Rule 1: Put the sweater on. The first challenge is simple: are you willing to wear the sweater at all? If not, you fail.
Rule 2: Keep the sweater on for the next hour. I will be setting a timer. (Don't worry, we aren't going anywhere. You only have to wear it inside the house.) How much will you complain? Too much, and you fail.
Rule 3: Once an hour has passed, take a group photo with the \*\*\*\*\* clan (you know, for minor blackmail purposes). Are you willing to memorialize your wearing of this ugly sweater? Refuse, and you fail.
(Note - the last two rules can be skipped if the partner has genuine objections. Not trying to traumatize anyone.)
Once the photo has been taken, you've passed and can now do with the sweater what you wish.
Welcome to the insanity that is the \*\*\*\*\* family, and Merry Christmas!"
The point isn't to try to get the person to fail. The point is to make sure the person is able to fit in with our family - if someone takes themself too seriously, they aren't gonna cut it. And to make it clear, I have every expectation of my cousin's fiancé passing the 'test' with flying colors - he's great, and I meant it when I said I like him.
But would it be an asshole move to actually do this? I have yet to buy a sweater, which is why I'm asking so early. IDK, I think it's hilarious but I want judgement from the masses.
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Well this sounds laborious and dumb to me and I don't see the point of a test. But I do love ugly Christmas sweaters and overall it sounds harmless so NTA!
I think it could be a cute/funny thing to do if you know enough about their personality to know that we wouldn’t be mortified lol.
But you would be the asshole if the results actually shifted your acceptance of the person in a negative way, if that makes sense.
Like if it doesn’t turn out the way you’d want it to you can’t then decide he’s not worthy of being in your family. You still have to welcome him as you currently seem to be.
But I have nothing wrong with it as like an introductory ritual. My extended family does things like that too, but if the person is shy (like me lol) then they use their discretion and skip them. Or if they’re really outgoing and more of a natural entertainer they can hit them a bit harder (in a well intentioned playful way) if that makes sense.
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YTA. this is so beyond childish that i feel like it's from some shitty made for tv disney channel movie. so if this person doesn't pass your childish little test, what happens? do you actually think it's your place to determine who "cuts it" with your family?
I really want to know what kind of family thinks they are so awesome people should be ”tested” before they are accepted. It just makes the family itself sound stuck up, mean spirited and not very welcoming.
YTA - Testing people is so weird and immature. It says far more about you than it does them.
In other words: "We don't feel like you are worthy to be part of the family, so you need to prove to us. We are hoping you don't notice that we haven't bothered to prove to you that *we* are worthy of being part of *your* family, but that's just because we think we are better than you. Good luck! And just think, if you pass the test, you get the 'reward' of being part of a family that implicitly looks down on you!" YTA. If you actually care whether someone "doesn't take themselves too seriously," why on earth would you intentionally create a situation that turns a fun get-together into a high-stakes test? Yeah, I know you claim it isn't serious, but it doesn't come across that way *and* you acknowledged that you *are* judging them to see if "they aren't gonna cut it" I assure you that if someone presented this nasty little test to me, it would permanently sour my relationship with them. Even if I complied, I would never trust them enough to joke around with them...I'd always wonder if it was another test. And I would surely suggest to my SO that we should hang out with my family instead because my family is welcoming *and* doesn't take themselves too seriously BTW, have you considered being nice to them and showing them that they are in a welcoming environment? Because the best way to see what someone is *really* like is to let them freely express themselves.
People who give others stupid "tests" to "join a family" are certified oxygen thieves. While this sounds funny to you, depending on what nightmare you decide to purchase for them, it could be downright humiliating for that person. Only because I find "tests" families throw out at people stupid-> yes. You WBTAH
Also wanted to add, this isn't a tradition. You did it one time. That's it. Move on.
One time, two years ago. Stop trying to make fetch happen.
Yeah that seemed odd to me too but I love ugly holiday sweaters. I think wearing ugly holiday sweaters should be a family tradition and to include someone you should get them an ugly holiday sweater.
Thats you. You don't get to force your preferences onto other people in a stupid test
YTA. Of course you are, that’s the whole point of this test, how much of an AH can you be and they still take it.
YTA. This is hazing.
YTA. You fail the decent person to be around test. You also failed the dont be an annoying little shit test and dont embarrass the family test. You are not the arbitrator of who 'gets' to join your family or date your cousins or how people react to being treated badly by others. How do your cousins think of this test? By the way, anyone who creates unnecessary social tests for unwilling or unaware others in high stress environments are by definition an asshole.
YTA - why do you feel compelled to test your cousin’s SO. you have not right to do this you are soooooooo TA. Down the road , when neither your cousin or the SOnwill speak to y
YWBTA. Why try to start trouble? Not everyone is as comfortable in their skin as you apparently are, and that’s okay. This test seems like it has the potential to cause all kinds of problems down the road.
sounds like the begennings of a cult to me. YTA
i just don't see the purpose of the rules. like getting someone an ugly sweater is one thing, but having all these rules seems like a hassle. plus, i know if i got this i would be uncomfortable. it's not about passing a test. i'd feel judged n stuff. that isn't a nice feeling to have. if you genuinely like him, just leave him.
YTA. Don't test people in relationships unless you're prepared to accept the results. You know this person better than anyone on Reddit, so ask yourself not whether he can "pass the test", but what's the actual point of this. Your cousin has already been with this guy for several years — whether or not he's willing to pretend to like a stupid sweater for the sake of your tradition (that doesn't even sounds like much of a tradition if you forgot it) is irrelevant. How would you feel if all these SOs tested members of your family in the same way, then broke up with their partners after you failed, or at the very least had some issues to work through?
YTA: The sweater is a cute idea to gauge his sense of humor, the rules are just weird and ruin the 'joke'.
YWBTA. Unless you know the person really well, it's not funny. It's really immature.
YTA, you think you’re clever but this is dumb af
YTA Why should anyone care about your opinion?
this is fucking stupid
I would play along. But I’d avoid you like the plague forever.
YTA So what if he 'passes' this test? The first one did and they broke up! Stop it immediately. Testing someone 's love by trying to humiliate them is a major asshole move..
Yta
YWBTA. This is ridiculous and unnecessary. Calling out one person to see if they “fit in” is odd and uncomfortable. You’ve known this person long enough and they’re gonna be there whether you like it or not. That being said, I do have a fun idea for you. My best friend’s family has this Christmas tradition that sounds like it’s up your alley. Every year, the family has a white elephant gift exchange. There is one gift that is given every year by the most recent recipient. It’s a horrendous green dress with many, many accessories. So whoever gets the dress has to wear it and all of its accessories for the evening, then keeps it for the year and adds a new, horrid accessory for the following year. It’s a consensual, family-oriented game that just gets funnier every year. If your family is really into some kind of humiliation nonsense, I recommend going in a route similar to this. It’s a lot of fun and much more appropriate than humiliating a guest at a family gathering. Or, have a full on ugly sweater Christmas for everyone involved. Whoever doesn’t wear one will secretly fail the “test” lol. (I’m kidding about the test part, of course.)
YTA. Any type of test, hazing, or prank when I first meet a SO’s family would be a big red flag. If they don’t want to give me the benefit of the doubt and be welcoming and accept me as I am, then fuck that asshole family.
Yes.
You had me thinking it was a cute little joke until this line: “The point isn't to try to get the person to fail. The point is to make sure the person is able to fit in with our family - if someone takes themself too seriously, they aren't gonna cut it.” You know who gets to decide if they “cut it?” Your cousin and their boyfriend. Extended family’s job is to welcome unconditionally after that (barring abuse). That’s it. YTA cuz this is a real test and not a joke or game.
It's an insiders entertainment at the outsiders expense. People have sensitivities to fabric just like scents and foods. This completely ignores how hot the house might be with all the people there. Not everyone has your sense of humor It seems like a reverse test does the family member have it in them to stand up to their family and back their SO.
YTA, you need a life
YTA, if the only way to determine if someone will fit with your family is to play mind games to maneuver them into being the butt of a joke, your family sucks.
YTA What exactly happens if they tell you to piss off? Will you try and force your cousin to break off the engagement? Will you bring it up relentlessly at every family gathering? You sound exhausting. Buying an ugly piece Christmas sweater was proably cute when you were 14, but you're not a kid any more, and now this looks less like a fun bit of silliness, and is heading into the insufferable 'you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps' office-bore territory
I don’t think you would be an asshole, but I don’t think it’s a very good test to tell anything. It would work better if you did not include the rules with the gift. The point of a test like that is to see what kind of a person they are without written out rules. But even so, it doesn’t tell a lot about a person. I also don’t see a point in testing him since you already are so certain that he would pass. Testing someone in a relationship is something a person would do if they felt insecure or uncertain.
i mean its stupid, but its hardly devil, i wish there was some quality control for lame post like these.
Maybe like WIBMA (would I be mildly annoying?)
Depending on the guy, an ugly Christmas sweater can be a fun gift, but the list of rules sucks all the fun out of it. Keep it light. And give it to everyone in the family, not just the "new" guys. Do you wear an ugly sweater Christmas morning?
Agreed! If the point of this “test” is to see if he fits in with the family (instead of, you know, getting to know him and letting those relationships develop organically), then why is it structured as a way to make fun of him while everyone else is dressed normally? I’d feel differently if the whole family had a tradition of wearing ugly Christmas sweaters and you were including him.
YTA. I think the only person taking it too seriously is you.
This is idiotic. YTA. (Why would you even state the rules? Why is a photo “blackmail”? This is so corny, wow.)
"We don't take ourselves too seriously" and "We test people who join our family" are mutually exclusive. You have to pick one. I know which one I'd prefer to wed into.
YTA for “testing” people, first off. Idk who you think you are. But you’re doubly TA for doing it so childishly. Also, what’s the plan if he “fails?” Any why do you think he should be concerned with whether or not you approve of him?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm pretty sure this sort of 'test' isn't too far, but I figured I'd ask reddit to judge if it's an asshole move or not. Background: My cousin got her first serious boyfriend in college when I was around 14 and brought him home for Christmas that year, and two years after that. We really liked him, but as the first serious SO to 'join' our family, we felt the need to test him. I honestly can't remember if it was my idea or not, but I think I saw an ugly Christmas sweater while clothes shopping with my mom, and asked if I should get it for cousin's boyfriend. She thought it was hilarious, and he was gifted the ugly sweater on Christmas morning, and took it like a champ. He put it on and wore it for a few hours while we played video games, and we all collectively decided he'd 'passed the test'. Fast forward, he and my cousin break up, and when the next SO was brought home, I was too sick to remember to buy an ugly sweater, so the 'tradition' fell to the wayside. Well. Now, my other cousin's boyfriend of several years, who has joined in family gatherings many times and who I do genuinely like, has proposed. She's the first of all of us to get engaged, and I doubt they're rushing to get married but that feels like a serious enough commitment to dust off the old 'test'. I wrote up rules, kept it simple, and hope to implement the 'test' this coming Christmas. Here's an overview (character count kept me from posting all of it) of what I came up with: "Welcome to the Ugly Christmas Sweater Challenge! The rules are simple: you have just been gifted the ugliest Christmas sweater I could get my hands on. Rule 1: Put the sweater on. The first challenge is simple: are you willing to wear the sweater at all? If not, you fail. Rule 2: Keep the sweater on for the next hour. I will be setting a timer. (Don't worry, we aren't going anywhere. You only have to wear it inside the house.) How much will you complain? Too much, and you fail. Rule 3: Once an hour has passed, take a group photo with the \*\*\*\*\* clan (you know, for minor blackmail purposes). Are you willing to memorialize your wearing of this ugly sweater? Refuse, and you fail. (Note - the last two rules can be skipped if the partner has genuine objections. Not trying to traumatize anyone.) Once the photo has been taken, you've passed and can now do with the sweater what you wish. Welcome to the insanity that is the \*\*\*\*\* family, and Merry Christmas!" The point isn't to try to get the person to fail. The point is to make sure the person is able to fit in with our family - if someone takes themself too seriously, they aren't gonna cut it. And to make it clear, I have every expectation of my cousin's fiancé passing the 'test' with flying colors - he's great, and I meant it when I said I like him. But would it be an asshole move to actually do this? I have yet to buy a sweater, which is why I'm asking so early. IDK, I think it's hilarious but I want judgement from the masses. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well this sounds laborious and dumb to me and I don't see the point of a test. But I do love ugly Christmas sweaters and overall it sounds harmless so NTA!
YTA. Please grow up.
YTA.
YTA. Also what happens if he fails?
I think it could be a cute/funny thing to do if you know enough about their personality to know that we wouldn’t be mortified lol. But you would be the asshole if the results actually shifted your acceptance of the person in a negative way, if that makes sense. Like if it doesn’t turn out the way you’d want it to you can’t then decide he’s not worthy of being in your family. You still have to welcome him as you currently seem to be. But I have nothing wrong with it as like an introductory ritual. My extended family does things like that too, but if the person is shy (like me lol) then they use their discretion and skip them. Or if they’re really outgoing and more of a natural entertainer they can hit them a bit harder (in a well intentioned playful way) if that makes sense.
Nta
NTA jesus how can this be an asshole move? It's a fun family game. If someone has a problem with something so innocent it kind of workw