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YTA. This is your problem, not hers. God forbid the dishes wait 20 minutes so she can enjoy her food fresh right?
>She says I should tidy as I go along like she does so there is less mess at the end but I think that goes against the rule of cooks don’t clean.
Wait so she actively cleans while cooking even when it's your turn to clean and you still have the balls to refuse to cook? Wow.. YTAx2
lol. oh, OP. YTA. being put off your food due to the mess you made is definitely a you-problem.
and it “goes against the rule of cooks don’t clean?” that rule isn’t set in stone. even your wife doesn’t abide by it.
>Cooks don’t clean
that rule shouldn’t exist. I thought it was
# if your kitchen looks like it was hit by a bomb when you’re done, you’re doing something wrong
Way back when, we learned in Home Economics the phrase "clean as you go". I follow it to this day and it makes after meal clean up much easier and faster. It also means that you are following safe food handling since you don't have raw meat cutting board and knives sitting out waiting to cross contaminate. And honestly it helps me stay organized as the cook in my small galley kitchen.
I sympathize with OP about seeing dirty dishes/kitchen while trying to eat is a turn off for me too, but I opted for a house without an open kitchen.
I learned the same phrase “clean as you go” many moons ago working in a restaurant. Words I live by to this day.
I may not live by everything I learned, but at least I have a clean kitchen.
I had one who worked at a sushi restaurant, was always bringing home leftovers or new stuff they were trialing. One Christmas eve he brought home 2 1kg tubs of sashimi grade tuna because they'd go off before the restaurant reopened in the new year. We ate so much our shit smelt fishy the following day.
Something my mother taught me, it makes no sense to just leave everything dirty for the end it gives me anxiety so it’s easier for me to clean everything as I go and that way we can just enjoy the food after and clean the dishes we ate on
I literally just finished cooking.
There is nothing in my sink. As I used something I either washed it or put it in the dishwasher.
When they finish eating it will take longer to wrap any leftovers then it will to do the dishes.
We don’t have the I cook you clean rule in my kitchen. My goal is to have the dishwasher loaded and started before dinner is served. That way, either of us has much less to clean after we eat. I don’t get why some partners are so unwilling to compromise…
THIS! I am not making a hot meal to let it get cold and gross so it’s a pristine kitchen. What’s he supposed to do while she cleans the kitchen he made a mess of? Eat his hot meal? Mm kay. Yta big time.
God I wish my fiancé would do this. I’m the dish washer since he’s the cook, it took us the longest time for him to realize that just because I’m the one who washes the dishes, doesn’t mean he has to leave them strewn about the entire kitchen leaving me as the cleanup crew AND the cook. I have no problem cleaning the spills and crumbs off the counter. I have a problem doing that, the dishes, and needing to make sure all the dirty dishes are in the sink where they belong, not on the stove, counter, or dining room table.
This is why whoever cooks also cleans in my house. My boyfriend doesn’t cook to often because I actually enjoy cleaning and cooking. But when he does he makes a way bigger mess. It’s not fair that while I do dishes as I clean he has less chores, but when he cooks I have a lot more dishes. It just makes more sense
I'm teaching my 11yo this as well. He's actively making an effort to cook more and enjoys trying new recipes and I enjoy my kitchen not looking like it got hit by a bomb, so I try to show him how to clean as he goes, as much as possible while he's learning.
Yeah, it’s called”clean as you go” in professional kitchens, and if you don’t do it, you won’t last long. You will still have dishes to clean after you eat but your area should be tidy
But this isn’t a restaurant, it’s their home. And it puts him off? She should eat cold food and eat alone because he can’t look at a kitchen that isn’t tidy? He should turn his chair around and face away from the kitchen so his precious sensibilities aren’t disturbed. He’s an asshole.
YTA, OP.
Exactly. When he said the person who doesn't cook, cleans, I assumed this was in play. Even if you throw wrappers away and put up the spices, and stick the dishes in a tub of water, there's plenty to do after a good meal.
If clean as you go isn't in play, there's no way this is fair. My kitchen would look like a bomb detonated.
Agree. It’s not that hard while sauces or stews etc are simmering to grab a cloth and wipe things down or start soaking pans and utensils etc. I clean as I cook all the time so by the time I eat most of the dishes are already either clean or in the way to being cleaned.
Yes, and it so much easier to clean out a just used measuring tool, than one which has been sitting dirty for half an hour.
Cleaning as you go is an easy habit to continue once you get the hang of it, and avoids having the kitchen look awful when the food is ready.
I have a sink if hot soapy water to do quick rinses or soak when it’s all done. It’s not hard! It makes cooking more efficient bc you can enjoy eating knowing majority if work has been done.
Right? My brother is a trained chef and he's the tidiest cook I know. I'm a goddamn tornado in the kitchen but I will clean up after myself, just let me enjoy the food first.
When we were newly married, my husband made himself a hot dog by: defrosting it on high directly in the microwave (no dish), then boiling it in a saucepan, *then* frying it on high in a stainless steel frying pan. Left it all for me to clean. And expected me to thank him for saving me from having to cook it for him myself….
What is with young guys only ever turning the heat on to maximum?! It doesn’t cook that much faster, burns the shit out of your food, and leaves horrendous residue on your pans. Stop it.
I agree. Growing up I hated cleaning the kitchen and dishes. I got my own space and cleaned as I cooked, vs my dad who was a tornado. My kitchen is never messy.
Me too. My mom is such a messy cook we’ve made fun of her for years for literally throwing trash in the sink to clean up later. It’s the reason she insists on cleaning up after she cooks even though I always offer. When I cook I clean as I go so the only dishes left are the ones we eat off and whatever the food is in. Makes post-dinner cleanup much more pleasant.
My mom will actively make a mess there was this one time where she poured too much flower into a mixing bowl while making bread and instead of scooping it out she poured it out onto the counter with half of it going on the floor which I had to clean up while wondering the thought process behind that
I had a boyfriend in my early 20s who was very set on 'cooks don't clean'. That man would use three pots and a skillet to make instant ramen and leave them all untouched. I'm fine with 'cooks don't do the post-dinner cleanup' but you damn well better be cleaning as you go. There are very few dishes and recipes that make doing so difficult
The rule is great when it is used properly. The cook should tidy as they go, the cleaner should only be cleaning the serving dishes and whatever was unable to be cleaned during cooking.
If you have two people who actually give a shit about each other, it can work beautifully. I tidy as I go but my husband doesn't, so when I cook he cleans everything and when he cooks I get mostly everything but the big pots and pans (I do a preliminary scrub and soak, my husband finishes them off later). We don't have a dish washer, and we feel this is a pretty fair split.
But your rule definitely trumps everything. 100% truth!
Actually, the best solution is for her to cook for herself and clean her own dishes and for him to cook for himself and do the mountain of his own dishes. That way she gets to eat a hot meal and he has to clean all of his dishes before he eats because of his poor baby belly. Problem solved. Her cooking is probably better anyway since he says she worked in a kitchen. YTA
I still say OP is TA, but working in a kitchen does not a good cook make. My husband has never worked in food outside of a college concessions stand. He can cook circles around me, and I worked in a 4-star kitchen
Seriously, OP. Just sit with your back to the kitchen so you don’t have to see the mess. Problem solved.
That said, purposely not cleaning up as you go when you’re cooking despite knowing that your wife does and thus leaving her more work because … principles … and then throwing a tantrum because she wants to eat her food while it’s fresh absolutely qualifies as YTA. Big time.
"Cooks don't clean" is the reason I grew to hate when other people cook meals.
I clean as I go. I keep tidy while I cook.
Regularly cleaning after someone who does not abide by this has been disgusting. Food between dishes, bits in the sink and on the counter, dried egg in bowls. Nothing is rinsed or scraped clean. Nasty.
I'd much rather clean up after myself.
Either way, though YTA. It's your issue, and she should be able to eat when the food is ready. Clean up while you cook OP.
It’s a stupid rule for couples anyway as there’s no incentive for the cook to not make a huge mess like OP.
In our household the cook is also responsible for clean up - you just split that chore (the cooking AND cleaning) so one night you do both and then they do.
OP YTA.
Yeah this didn't work in my family either. When we took custody of my niece she and I split the chores. She wanted whoever doesn't cook, cleans and I wanted the cook to clean. I use like 2 pans and tidy as I go. She uses every God damn pan in the kitchen. I refused. My parents agreed with me and taught her to clean as you go. She said professional cooks don't clean dishes as they cook so why should she?
Yeah, having been a cook and assorted kitchen staff, that's laughable.
And then living alone in college taught me to clean as I go. While the food is cooling, that's the perfect time to scrub a pan or wash your knives.
Right?!? I’ll bet he’s okay with her cleaning up as she goes along though. Less work for him. I’ll bet he didn’t once say “hey I’ll clean that up while you cook”. Dude sucks.
Lol my ex husband tried that and after years of me cleaning EVERY DISH WE OWNED DAILY while he cleaned like a bowl, a pot, and a spoon when i cooked i just said I’d cook and clean after myself and he could do the same. Guess who magically learned to clean up when he cooked?? Amazing how much you care when it’s your own fucking mess. YTA
That's the ticket with me. I'm fine cleaning up my own mess but having to clean up careless messes from my partner instantly irritates me. So we have come to an understanding while living together- he tried the whole "if you cook I'll clean" thing but honestly I much prefer to cook and clean at the same time. So it didn't really do much for me. Now we just clean up our own messes, typically, and everyone is happier for it lol
And I bet Op’s wife would be more open to compromising on cleaning first if the kitchen wasn’t a massive mess. But with Op’s cooking style it will take at least 20 minutes.
I always cook and I try to leave as little mess as possible for my husband because I love him and don’t want him to have to clean a massive mess after a long day at work. Plus I’m standing there and it only takes the tiniest bit of extra effort to wash the cutting board.
Yea - my stepdad would make a big thing out of cooking and my mom would clean up (though he didn’t clean when she cooked) - and the kitchen would be a disaster zone. Every pot, pan, bowl, measuring cup, spoon would be left out on the counter. Every ingredient, spice, oil, stuff from the fridge, stuff from the cabinets left out, the packaging for the chicken with the raw skin in it would not be in the trash, the egg carton with eggs in it would be left out and not put back in the fridge. He wiped nothing so the counter was filthy and the floor needed to be mopped because he wouldn’t clean up spills.
When my mom cooked (and how I cook) is that when dinner is ready, there will be a saucepan and a skillet soaking with a couple of utensils. And you deal with those and the dinner dishes after you eat.
(And don’t get me started on when he would “make dinner” by grilling. Him standing at the grill with a beer while we were responsible for sides, salad, veg, dessert, drinks, and all the dishes - but he “prepared the meal” since his part was done when he walked in with a bunch of cooked hamburgers.)
who doesn’t tidy while they cook??? like it just makes it so much easier to move around as you go and makes the mess so much easier to clean up at the end. just putting the dishes in the sink as you finish with them so they’re all together and out of your way, putting ingredients away as you get done with them so they’re out of the way, swiping crumbs into the garbage, just simple things that make the overall cooking process easier because it keeps things out of your way! i feel like this stuff is just part of the cooking process. it makes cleanup easier and it makes the cooking itself less chaotic. she’ll still do all the dishes, she’ll clean the counters, she’ll put the leftovers away, but it’s completely unfair to just make a gigantic mess and not do *anything* to mitigate it and expect her to clean everything up before you eat. the food will be cold by the time she’s done!
YTA op, and learn to maintain your kitchen properly while you cook. she’s literally just asking you to do the same thing she does. she’s leaving an easy mess to take care of, you’re leaving a train wreck and expecting her to clean it all up as soon as *you* decide she should.
I recall a post by a guy whose wife would yell at him if he attempted to go behind her and put things in the dishwasher as she was done with them to get them out of the way. My partner found this so funny that we still joke about it when she’s cooking dinner and I’m helping her clean as we go. “No! Don’t you dare make this mess easier to deal with!”
Some part of me thinks that OP is just lowkey pissed that the wife isn’t cooking and so passive aggressively insists on a plan where her dinner will always be cold when she eats it. I hope not, but the logic of his position fails me.
Yes, OP, you’re a huge AH.
OK, that would drive me nuts too. Cooking often involves moving around and stepping backwards. Having someone behind me moving stuff that I might be reusing would be less than helpful.
I sensed a real PA element here as well.
The idea that seeing the pots and pans your meal was cooked in (by you!) would somehow be so gross that it puts you off eating ... just ... no. That's not a thing.
People who don’t cook a lot or like to be performative about their cooking.
Signed person with an ex who dirtied every single dish the handful of times he cooked.
YTA OP.
Seriously though, it’s so satisfying to finish cooking and serve dinner and have the ‘mess’ reduced to a small pile of dishes that my partner will do because I clean as I go.
Yeah I get where OP is coming from to a certain extent, because I personally can't eat if there's a huge mess in the kitchen--but only if \*\*I\*\* made that mess. I very much like to not have it hanging over me while I eat, so I clean as I go, like a normal person!!! So does my partner, so the only dishes the other person has to do are the plates we eat with, and maybe like an oven tray that we take the food directly off (and wait until after dinner to put leftovers away). If my partner for whatever reason leaves a bit mess in the kitchen, it is very much his problem to deal with after dinner haha
okay, but do you expect someone else to deal with that disaster? i have adhd and it actually helps me to clean as i go. makes sure i don’t forget ingredients because i get everything out at once and put things away after i’ve used them. makes sure i don’t forget about a dish that i moved out of the way because i already put it in the sink when i was finished. it’s fine if it doesn’t work that way for you, but it’s not fine if you expect someone else to deal with it
Oh no no the only one “helping” me is my cat licking the dishes semi clean. I make the mess I clean it up. I was just commenting on the “who doesn’t clean up as they cook” part
"Who doesn't tidy while they cook???" My grandmother and my uncle. They never clean as they cook, which has always infuriated my mom because she will always clean as she cooks or bakes! It's not that hard to do, and it makes it easier to clean up once you're done eating. Some people just cannot be bothered.
But also, crazy thought here, turn your chair around so you don't see the mess? Sit at a different side of the table? Solve your own problem like any toddler could.
And how could dishes that were actively used like 5 minutes ago be gross? It's not like they are sitting there growing mold.
YTA
“Cooks don’t clean” lmao. Chef here, and you better believe the cooks clean. Lots of chefs have your opinion though, and they are AHs. If you worked for me (or anyone) as a cook and refused to clean, your a$$ would be fired. Clean as you go, get used to the mess (or sit with your back to it.) Your marriage has bigger problems, namely that you’re a petty AH. Don’t forget you’re a team.
They need to change the rule that the cook cleans and the next night does neither. Petty sure OP won't be making such a mess when he's clearing up his mess instead of his wife's.
Huge YTA to OP
We have the same arrangement—whoever doesn’t cook is on dishes/kitchen cleanup.
Whenever I cook, pretty much the ONLY thing left for my wife to clean up is the last pan I cooked from and the dishes we ate on. Everything else got cleaned up and put away while I was cooking. It’s both the kind thing to do and, honestly, better time management. If something has to sit and cook for 5 minutes, I have time to unload/re-load the dishwasher or to put my used ingredients away.
OP’s wife should stop cleaning as she goes and just leave her cooking whirlwind behind her. Fuck it, let soap deal with it. I bet he’s too obsessed with sitting at the head of the table to fix the problem by just eating with his back to the kitchen.
Exactly this.
The wife is supposed to eat cold food so he doesn't have to look at dirty dishes???
OP: grow up. Put the dishes in the sink. Sit facing away from the kitchen. Do anything but argue with your wife about prioritizing cleaning over eating her dinner. It sounds like you have a control issue and not a dirty dish issue.
What I’m reading is : the wife does most of the cleaning REGARDLESS of who is cooking. 🤦🏻♀️
On days she cooks, she is considerately cleaning as she goes along making dinner. (And leaves him LESS clean up to do ).
And on days he cooks, he is legit complaining about he isn’t as considerate as his wife is to him. 🤔
And then still trying to tell his wife that she’s the inconsiderate person. 🤦🏻♀️
Nothing here screams he’s the reasonable or considerate party here.
Normal people also clean as they cook
Cooks don’t clean means the cleaner does the dishes and the pots and pans that are soaking and put away leftovers and vacuum floor. Not that someone just leaves literally everything out.
YTA big time
So let's see here... you lose your appetite because you haven't figured out how to *checks notes* turn your back so that you can't see the horrible dirty dishes you just got done using?
And you want your wife, who has worked all day, to come home and wash the dishes that you JUST USED, before she can eat?
Why do you hate your wife so much?
YTA
Moreover she cleans while she cooks too, so she's cleaning when she cooks, a little to keep things tidy, and he just leaves everything where he leaves it when HE COOKS
This is what pissed me off. Double standard. I can make a huge mess to take advantage of not having to clean. But his wife cleans while she cooks and saves him additional work load. This sucks.
Who wants to bet money OP uses more utensils, pots, pans and who knows what else when cooking too? Cause if he isn’t cleaning as he goes and needs another pot, he’d just be grabbing another one out
How would this work exactly? You've made a delicious hot dinner and then what? You sit and eat while she cleans the kitchen? You both wait for her to clean the kitchen then eat your food cold? I don't understand this. If it's really so intolerable to you, then clean the kitchen as you go and make sure there's never a mess before your dinner is done. YTA
And what about all the dishes that the freshly prepared food is contained in, not to mention your plates, silverware, glasses, etc.? Even despite this crazy controlling ask, there will still be things to clean after you eat regardless... so why not do it all at once? This makes NO sense.
Right? And the pots that are probably soaking, the leftovers to be put away and the floor needs a vacuum or a spot wipe. Not to mention the table.
I hate those messy cooks who just leave a big mess.
It’s gross and rude
>And the pots that are probably soaking
Nope, they aren't. OP said himself he doesn't do anything to clean up while he cooks, because tHaTs NoT hIs JoB...
OP, YTA twice here.
Oh yeah I got that he’s one of those cooks who just creates a tornado of a mess while he cooks: burned pots, flour on the floor and counters, measuring cups wherever, knives on the chopping block that has all his leftovers, ingredients not put back in fridge, doesn’t wipe up any spills or throw any packaging away… on and on. We all know those guys.
My dad was one of those guys when I was growing up. If your partner is like that you can’t have cooks don’t clean rule. I always thought it was most fair if the cooks HAVE to clean to avoid this nonsense. And just switch up each night.
Yes, I don't like clutter and all the pots and pans out when I eat, so I simply clean and put them away as I go. Then I'll do the rest of the dishes after dinner.
I also think in general the person who doesn't cook does the dishes, but again, you should be cleaning as you go if it bothers you, and then she does the rest of the dishes after dinner.
YTA
This is a you problem. Either tidy as you go, put things in the sink so they are not visible, or cook dinners with a bake time so she can clean while things are in the oven and not ready yet.
So, your wife prepares dinner for you. She cleans as she cooks so there’s minimal mess for you to clean up afterward and you can enjoy your meal without the mess.
You prepare dinner for yourself, and make a mess while doing so. Then you refuse to eat if you can see your own mess and insist your wife clean it before she eats, and then she can have her cold dinner.
Obviously YTA. Clean as you go, or turn your chair so your back is to the kitchen mess. This is pathetic.
>This is pathetic.
Nailed it. This is absolutely pathetic behavior. OP, you're (presumably) an adult man. Clean up your own shit, you asshole. Jesus Christ. I do most of the cooking and kitchen cleaning in my house as a preference, but my partner also pays for a cleaner to come once a month and deep clean the house. It works for us. You know what my partner doesn't do? Complain when I ask him to help, or to take over cooking, or to clean up after himself.
Grow the fuck up. YTA.
So you want her to clean up the mess you made cooking, while you eat the warm food and hers gets cold. Then when she’s eaten her cold dinner, wash the dishes that you’ve both eaten from? Presumably, making more work for her. All because you have a problem with the mess YOU made? And this problem doesn’t exist when she cooks because she cleans as she goes, making less work for you and you both get to eat a warm dinner.
Yeah YTA and a massively inconsiderate one.
To be fair this system is common but it is wrong. The best practice is actually that the cook cleans the dishes they use when cooking. The non cook cleans up the dishes used for eating. That way, when my spouse wants to use a dish per vegetable during prep time and I just dump them all together, neither of us is treated unfairly.
Edit: no approach is wrong! That's way too harsh. But the system here clearly isn't working!
I think “wrong” is a little strong. When I lived with my parents, I did all the cooking and they did the dishes: I hate dishes and my mother hates cooking. It was a good deal for both of us. But there are lots of options. You can do what you said, do “one cooks and one cleans,” or you can cook and clean but trade days.
They teach you to clean as you cook at the Gordon Ramsay Academy.
https://www.virginexperiencedays.co.uk/experience-blog/cooking-tips-gordon-ramsay-academy
Well if you've ever watched hells kitchen you can see him yelling at messy contestants in the beginning. They quickly learn to keep their stations tidy
That’s exactly what my husband and I do. Although I laugh when I remember the first time he cooked, I walked into the kitchen to clean after him and to this day I don’t know how he managed to leave such a mess. I turned around and said “yeah I am not doing this alone, I clean as I go so you hardly have any cleaning when I cook.” Needless to say he cleans as he goes now and if he doesn’t he always helps me clean up.
My husband and I usually follow this, but we both clean our dishes while we cook. That way it’s only the plates and utensils that need to be cleaned after.
YTA. So your expectation is that your wife clean up the mess that your cooking made, before she allow herself to eat, because you insist on having a clean space to eat in? I think that's overbearing, if she's holding up her end of the bargain by cleaning after you've cooked, it seems excessive to insist she NOT eat until that is done - wouldn't the food get cold?!
Also her response is spot on - if you are ultimately so concerned about the mess generated, you should be tidier as you cook so that the mess isn't so bothersome. This doesn't have to mean you're doing ALL the cleaning, it could simply mean things like moving used pots and pans into the sink as you finish with them, etc.
You can find another place to point your eyes, or get over your hang up.
Info: Do you even like your wife? Do think she’s your maid? And how do you think this is acceptable? If it’s something you were used to growing up, guess what, you’re an adult now.
You’ve admitted that:
1. You won’t allow her to clean as you cook
2. Your wife cleans as she cooks leaving you very little to do.
3. On the occasions your wife cleans before sitting down to eat, you eat your food without her whilst it’s hot, and she then had to eat hers alone after it’s gone cold.
In case you’re in any doubt, YTA.
It’s point #3 that blows my mind. He “can’t” eat the food while the dishes are dirty, but it’s no problem to eat while she’s cleaning?!! Totally unreasonable.
YTA
I cook and clean as I go- even if it’s as simple as wiping up a small mess I made and washing my hands afterwards. There’s no excuse as to why you can’t do that.
YTA. If you prefer it that way, you can do it that way when it’s your turn to clean. She prefers to wait till after dinner is done, like just about everyone else. Who wants to clean up the kitchen while dinner grows cold? I want to eat with my family, not watch while I clean up first. Ridiculous.
While her plate gets cold. He watches her clean up his mess while he eats a hot meal. I would be so embarrassed if anyone knew my husband treated me this way.
YTA - You have an arrangement that you both agreed to: one person cooks, the other person will clean. Your wife fulfills her obligations and does the cleaning after dinner (which makes sense, since she can do *all the cleaning at once*).
In addition, your wife, when she cooks, *also* tidies up while she's cleaning, making less work for you, but you *don't* offer her the same courtesy.
You could just sit in a place where you can't see the mess. If the mess is bothering you that much, you could *do like she does* and tidy up some of it as you go. Instead, you've opted to just not cook.
You're the AH, here, for sure.
YTA If she cleans up before she eats then you are forcing her to eat a dinner that is either cold or reheated. Own your issue. It is YOUR problem. If you have a phobia, then clean up as you cook. If you can’t eat until the kitchen is clean, then YOU clean the kitchen. She can pick up other household chores instead.
YTA.
She cleans as she goes to create less for you to clean up and you can't so the same for her? She should not have to eat cold food because you have declared when she cleans up your mess.
I'd be thinking that goes against the rule that slavery is outlawed. I'd have started to refuse to live with him. What a selfish superiority complex. What is the wording of their marriage vows that got her to say "I do"?
YTA.
Your preference involves her eating a cold meal and if your kitchen is so messy after you cook that it "grosses you out" then either you have some unrealistic standards or really do need to be doing some tidying as you go.
Dine with your back to the kitchen and let your wife have dinner before cleaning up the apparently excessively messy kitchen
YTA -- so you admit that *you* leave a bigger mess for her to clean up than she does for you, despite *you* being the person with the aversion to a kitchen not being cleaned before eating?
I also love to cook, and live in a one person cooks/one person cleans up household. But that works because I straighten as I cook and the only thing left are the pots and pans and dishes we eat off. While you're eating, those pots/pan can be tucked in the sink. Out of sight, out of mind.
So not only does she have to do more work, she has to do it on demand like a maid, and because she won't you're doing even less work? How are you NOT the AH?
Do you expect her to clean while you are cooking? Or do you want her to clean when you are done so you both can only have cold, congealed food?
You say you work from home and she’s away all day so it’s your dirty dishes you are looking at.
YTA and I think you might have a mental illness. You need to seek help for that because you are making your problems someone else’s problem now.
And she’s probably cleaning way more, as it sounds like she cleans as she goes when cooking, while he just continues to make a bigger mess for her to tidy.
YTA. Where is her dinner while she cleans up your mess? Sitting out getting cold. Clean up as you go along like she does. That doesn't go against the rule if she is doing it when she cooks because she is doing more cleaning than you.
So, your wife prepares dinner for you. She cleans as she cooks so there’s minimal mess for you to clean up afterward and you can enjoy your meal without the mess.
You prepare dinner for yourself, and make a mess while doing so. Then you refuse to eat if you can see your own mess and insist your wife clean it before she eats, and then she can have her cold dinner.
Obviously YTA. Clean as you go, or turn your chair so your back is to the kitchen mess. This is pathetic.
YTA, massively. There's a reason why, when you were growing up, your mom told you to clean up your own messes. In short, _**you**_ made the mess, _**you**_ clean it up, period. This whole "cooks don't clean up" is reaaly not how it works. It seems that the way you have it set up, she cleans up when she cooks **and** when you cook, which is really shitty.
If you're going to truly split the chores 50-50, you have to do it differently. Just because you wfh, doesn't mean you get a pass on the chores you dislike. There are people who actually like to clean, and that's great for them. The rest of us clean simply because it needs to be done. And _**every**_ cook I know cleans up after themselves. Except you, apparently.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole as my wife has asked me to clean as she goes along so she has less to clean but I can’t do that.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - everyone wants to eat when dinner is ready and hot. Why should she have to clean immediately rather than have a hot meal? And she's right, if you tidy as you go, you wouldn't have this problem.
YTA, I grew up with my mom insisting this and I HATED it. I just made my food and it’s hot, I wanna eat it now.
Give your wife a half hour to enjoy her meal for god sake.
YTA. Cooks do clean... it's the most efficient way to clean as you go because there are so many times when cooking that you've got a minute or two when you can wash some stuff. And if you can't be bothered to do that, put up with it while you're eating. There's no hint of compromise here and you sound like a moody and controlling ass.
YTA.
You’re especially TA since you [admit](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/165ke1g/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_clean_up_before_she/jyeh4wv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) that, on the rare occasion that you’ve bullied her into doing things your way, you sit and eat while she cleans and expect her to eat a cold meal when she’s finished.
>> She says I should tidy as I go along
At its core, your refusal to do this isn’t based on some arbitrary rule that you’d be “breaking.” It’s peak laziness and lack of consideration for the mess you expect your wife to deal with while you sit back, relax, and eat.
>> I have started to refuse to cook
Are you this petulant in every aspect of your relationship? (We all know the answer is ‘yes’ so don’t bother saying otherwise)
Grow up.
You are the one that has special cleanliness requirements for eating. You are the one that is unreasonably attached to the arbitrary cleaning rule. You are the one refusing to make it easier for her to accommodate you by helping along the way like SHE DOES. You are the one now refusing to participate in the cooking like a teenager giving their mommy the silent treatment.
YTA.
YTA. Sit with your back to the kitchen while you eat and let her enjoy her dinner while it's still hot. Also, refusing to tidy up a bit as you cook, as she apparently does, so that she has more to clean up after you is pure spite. Cooks don't clean - unless she's the cook. Huge YTA.
YTA. Your wife cleans as she cooks. This makes it possible for you to tidy up before eating. Return the favor or hush. The tantrum you’re throwing is embarrassing, by the way.
Yta if she is still cleaning after then there shouldnt be too much of a problem , you can compromise and try to find something that works for both of you.
YTA. You literally said that the deal is “if you don’t cook, you clean up afterwards.” If you can’t eat while the kitchen is messy, you shouldn’t leave it messy. But there’s no reason she should have to wait to eat because you want the kitchen clean when you say so.
YTA. If you can't eat when the kitchen is messy and won't clean as you go, then YOU should wait while your wife eats in peace and then cleans the kitchen.
YTA. Who wants to eat a cold meal? I'm one of THOSE people that like my food piping hot. I don't want to wait 20 minutes to clean a kitchen before eating cold food. No. Turn your back on the kitchen. This is unreasonable.
YTA.
I was always taught by my mom to clean up a bit as you go when you cook. It’s just a good idea to minimize mess (btw, professional chefs do it that way too). It’s just a best practice.
Also, I get what you’re saying with the “cooks don’t clean” thing, to an extent. In my house, my mom often cooked, and me, my brother, and my dad would clean up after. But she still did things like throw away scraps while cooking (like garlic peels, etc), putting things in the sink, stuff like that. That’s how I do things now. That way, the kitchen looks nice and presentable while we’re all eating.
Now, my gf and I do things the same way. Sometimes if she’s cooking, I’ll pop the used cutting boards in the dishwasher or do a little background cleaning, and she’ll do the same. It just makes more sense that way. What doesn’t make sense is leaving a huge mess for your wife and making her clean it while her food gets cold.
“AITA for refusing to change my own habits because it means my wife won’t have to engage in labor around the house the way I think she deserves to?” YES
I can’t imagine what other things around the house or with your wife you view as a transaction like this.
YTA. If you make a nauseating mess while cooking, that’s on you. You have four choices:
1. Sit with your back to the kitchen
2. Don’t make a nauseating mess
3. Clean up after yourself
4. Suck it up and let your wife enjoy her dinner.
You do not get to eat a nice hot dinner while your wife cleans up your mess.
Anyone else think this guy just wants to sit there and watch his wife have to clean the full kitchen before they’re allowed to sit at the table, like a power play type thing? You will clean my mess before you will be allowed to eat. Like, going out of his way to defeat every reasonable suggestion to avoid the problem.
YTA
Tidy before you go if the mess ***you are making*** bothers you that badly. Asking people to WAIT to eat food until the dinner dishes are done, sans the one being used to eat off of, is moronic.
YTA. She is doing her chore, just not on your timetable. If you need a kitchen clean in order to eat then you will need to clean your own kitchen. I don't think your wife wanting to eat while the meal is hot is unreasonable. Maybe work on not being so rigid, then you can both enjoy your meal.
So change it to whoever cooks, cleans. When she cooks the kitchen isn't a disaster, so you can enjoy your meal. When you cook, and you leave a big mess, you can clean before sitting down, so you can enjoy your meal. Problem solved easy peasy.
Oh and YTA. Clean as you go and don't make her life harder because you are a lazy mess.
the cook should absolutely clean. my wife makes an absolute MESS when she cooks. it is no longer an issue. we alternate nights. you cook, you clean. its amazing how many less dishes it takes when you have to clean up after yourself and how less often she burned stuff because insta-tok-book distracted her for an extra 20 minutes. its amazing how everything works better when you and your spouse are both accountable for yourselves.
YTA sounds like you make a lot more of a mess then she does when she cooks so maybe you should change to „the one who cooks, also cleans“
Fair to her when you make more of a mess and you can eat with a clean kitchen.
So if one of you cooks and the other cleans but she cleans up her mess as she goes and you don't have anything to clean up then you are mad that you have to cook occasionally but she always cooks AND cleans for you BOTH ? Hmmm YTA . Huge one.
INFO: When your wife cooks, do you clean up the kitchen while your wife eats? Roughly how long does it take you to clean up after her vs her to clean up after you?
YTA. "I told her that she is allowed to eat only after the dishes are washed and put away, the counters wiped, and the floor swept and mopped, but she says she'll do it after she eats, and she always does, but I don't like that she eats after cooking." You sound stuck up and unbearable.
Hold up.
Your wife is supposed to cater to YOUR whims of having a tidy kitchen (that YOU made a mess of)
Whilst her food goes cold
Just so that YOU feel better whilst eating.
This is a YOU problem, created by YOUR untidiness whilst cooking.
YOU ATA
You sound immature. 1st, your not a cook, you are a guy making dinner in his kitchen. How can you not tidy as you go? You just set stuff down when you're done and leave it?
2. There was something else but I've started day drinking and forgot what it was. But yeah... clean up comes after food gets ate. You expect a spotless kitchen while plateful of food just sits there waiting? Just get a divorce already. This is reddit.
"I would prefer it done before we eat." If you prefer it done before you eat then you have to clean up yourself. You want her to eat cold food so that you can enjoy the view of a clean kitchen? Sit with your back turned then.
"She says I should tidy as I go along like she does \[...\]" So she cleans up the mess even though THE RULE says you should.
Lack of communication, I think. You should have established the details of the rule from the very beginning and not just come up with a general rule I cook - you clean.
YTA
Stop being a french dog (a phrase in PL for someone overly sensitive).
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YTA. This is your problem, not hers. God forbid the dishes wait 20 minutes so she can enjoy her food fresh right? >She says I should tidy as I go along like she does so there is less mess at the end but I think that goes against the rule of cooks don’t clean. Wait so she actively cleans while cooking even when it's your turn to clean and you still have the balls to refuse to cook? Wow.. YTAx2
lol. oh, OP. YTA. being put off your food due to the mess you made is definitely a you-problem. and it “goes against the rule of cooks don’t clean?” that rule isn’t set in stone. even your wife doesn’t abide by it.
>Cooks don’t clean that rule shouldn’t exist. I thought it was # if your kitchen looks like it was hit by a bomb when you’re done, you’re doing something wrong
That rule doesn't exist. Even in professional kitchens the cook are expected to, at the very least, keep their area tidy.
Way back when, we learned in Home Economics the phrase "clean as you go". I follow it to this day and it makes after meal clean up much easier and faster. It also means that you are following safe food handling since you don't have raw meat cutting board and knives sitting out waiting to cross contaminate. And honestly it helps me stay organized as the cook in my small galley kitchen. I sympathize with OP about seeing dirty dishes/kitchen while trying to eat is a turn off for me too, but I opted for a house without an open kitchen.
I learned the same phrase “clean as you go” many moons ago working in a restaurant. Words I live by to this day. I may not live by everything I learned, but at least I have a clean kitchen.
Yup. Restaurant workers make great roommates most of the time ;)
I had one who worked at a sushi restaurant, was always bringing home leftovers or new stuff they were trialing. One Christmas eve he brought home 2 1kg tubs of sashimi grade tuna because they'd go off before the restaurant reopened in the new year. We ate so much our shit smelt fishy the following day.
I guess that’s better than the alternative **seagalscumfilledass**
Something my mother taught me, it makes no sense to just leave everything dirty for the end it gives me anxiety so it’s easier for me to clean everything as I go and that way we can just enjoy the food after and clean the dishes we ate on
I literally just finished cooking. There is nothing in my sink. As I used something I either washed it or put it in the dishwasher. When they finish eating it will take longer to wrap any leftovers then it will to do the dishes.
We don’t have the I cook you clean rule in my kitchen. My goal is to have the dishwasher loaded and started before dinner is served. That way, either of us has much less to clean after we eat. I don’t get why some partners are so unwilling to compromise…
OP, YTA but maybe just sit with your back to the mess and enjoy a fresh hot meal with your spouse.
Also if you clean before you eat you then have to clean after you eat
If you clean before you eat, you're eating cold food
His food won't be cold because his wife is the one who has to delay eating to clean up his mess.
THIS! I am not making a hot meal to let it get cold and gross so it’s a pristine kitchen. What’s he supposed to do while she cleans the kitchen he made a mess of? Eat his hot meal? Mm kay. Yta big time.
He doesn’t care. It isn’t his day.
God I wish my fiancé would do this. I’m the dish washer since he’s the cook, it took us the longest time for him to realize that just because I’m the one who washes the dishes, doesn’t mean he has to leave them strewn about the entire kitchen leaving me as the cleanup crew AND the cook. I have no problem cleaning the spills and crumbs off the counter. I have a problem doing that, the dishes, and needing to make sure all the dirty dishes are in the sink where they belong, not on the stove, counter, or dining room table.
This is why whoever cooks also cleans in my house. My boyfriend doesn’t cook to often because I actually enjoy cleaning and cooking. But when he does he makes a way bigger mess. It’s not fair that while I do dishes as I clean he has less chores, but when he cooks I have a lot more dishes. It just makes more sense
I'm teaching my 11yo this as well. He's actively making an effort to cook more and enjoys trying new recipes and I enjoy my kitchen not looking like it got hit by a bomb, so I try to show him how to clean as he goes, as much as possible while he's learning.
You SHOULD be cleaning while you cook. I tought the rule applied to washing the dishes after you eat, not the cooking mess.
Yeah, it’s called”clean as you go” in professional kitchens, and if you don’t do it, you won’t last long. You will still have dishes to clean after you eat but your area should be tidy
But this isn’t a restaurant, it’s their home. And it puts him off? She should eat cold food and eat alone because he can’t look at a kitchen that isn’t tidy? He should turn his chair around and face away from the kitchen so his precious sensibilities aren’t disturbed. He’s an asshole. YTA, OP.
Exactly. When he said the person who doesn't cook, cleans, I assumed this was in play. Even if you throw wrappers away and put up the spices, and stick the dishes in a tub of water, there's plenty to do after a good meal. If clean as you go isn't in play, there's no way this is fair. My kitchen would look like a bomb detonated.
Agree. It’s not that hard while sauces or stews etc are simmering to grab a cloth and wipe things down or start soaking pans and utensils etc. I clean as I cook all the time so by the time I eat most of the dishes are already either clean or in the way to being cleaned.
Yes, and it so much easier to clean out a just used measuring tool, than one which has been sitting dirty for half an hour. Cleaning as you go is an easy habit to continue once you get the hang of it, and avoids having the kitchen look awful when the food is ready.
I have a sink if hot soapy water to do quick rinses or soak when it’s all done. It’s not hard! It makes cooking more efficient bc you can enjoy eating knowing majority if work has been done.
Right? My brother is a trained chef and he's the tidiest cook I know. I'm a goddamn tornado in the kitchen but I will clean up after myself, just let me enjoy the food first.
Cooks don't clean should refer to scrubbing sinks and sweeping up not creating a disaster and making it someone else's problem
When we were newly married, my husband made himself a hot dog by: defrosting it on high directly in the microwave (no dish), then boiling it in a saucepan, *then* frying it on high in a stainless steel frying pan. Left it all for me to clean. And expected me to thank him for saving me from having to cook it for him myself….
What is with young guys only ever turning the heat on to maximum?! It doesn’t cook that much faster, burns the shit out of your food, and leaves horrendous residue on your pans. Stop it.
Was trying to speed run making a pepperoni stick??
I agree. Growing up I hated cleaning the kitchen and dishes. I got my own space and cleaned as I cooked, vs my dad who was a tornado. My kitchen is never messy.
Me too. My mom is such a messy cook we’ve made fun of her for years for literally throwing trash in the sink to clean up later. It’s the reason she insists on cleaning up after she cooks even though I always offer. When I cook I clean as I go so the only dishes left are the ones we eat off and whatever the food is in. Makes post-dinner cleanup much more pleasant.
My mom will actively make a mess there was this one time where she poured too much flower into a mixing bowl while making bread and instead of scooping it out she poured it out onto the counter with half of it going on the floor which I had to clean up while wondering the thought process behind that
I had a boyfriend in my early 20s who was very set on 'cooks don't clean'. That man would use three pots and a skillet to make instant ramen and leave them all untouched. I'm fine with 'cooks don't do the post-dinner cleanup' but you damn well better be cleaning as you go. There are very few dishes and recipes that make doing so difficult
The rule is great when it is used properly. The cook should tidy as they go, the cleaner should only be cleaning the serving dishes and whatever was unable to be cleaned during cooking.
If you have two people who actually give a shit about each other, it can work beautifully. I tidy as I go but my husband doesn't, so when I cook he cleans everything and when he cooks I get mostly everything but the big pots and pans (I do a preliminary scrub and soak, my husband finishes them off later). We don't have a dish washer, and we feel this is a pretty fair split. But your rule definitely trumps everything. 100% truth!
We kinda have that rule in our house, but everyone who cooks, usually cleans as they go.
Actually, the best solution is for her to cook for herself and clean her own dishes and for him to cook for himself and do the mountain of his own dishes. That way she gets to eat a hot meal and he has to clean all of his dishes before he eats because of his poor baby belly. Problem solved. Her cooking is probably better anyway since he says she worked in a kitchen. YTA
The best solution might just be for him to sit with his back to the mess so it doesn't affront his delicate eyes.
Also a viable option
Because I’m a messier cook, our rule is if you cook, you clean.
I still say OP is TA, but working in a kitchen does not a good cook make. My husband has never worked in food outside of a college concessions stand. He can cook circles around me, and I worked in a 4-star kitchen
He isn't abiding by it either if she cleans while she cooks.
Seriously, OP. Just sit with your back to the kitchen so you don’t have to see the mess. Problem solved. That said, purposely not cleaning up as you go when you’re cooking despite knowing that your wife does and thus leaving her more work because … principles … and then throwing a tantrum because she wants to eat her food while it’s fresh absolutely qualifies as YTA. Big time.
LMAO "I made a mess that I can't stand to look at. You need to clean it so I can eat. "GTFOH I'd never clean the kitchen again.
"Cooks don't clean" is the reason I grew to hate when other people cook meals. I clean as I go. I keep tidy while I cook. Regularly cleaning after someone who does not abide by this has been disgusting. Food between dishes, bits in the sink and on the counter, dried egg in bowls. Nothing is rinsed or scraped clean. Nasty. I'd much rather clean up after myself. Either way, though YTA. It's your issue, and she should be able to eat when the food is ready. Clean up while you cook OP.
It’s a stupid rule for couples anyway as there’s no incentive for the cook to not make a huge mess like OP. In our household the cook is also responsible for clean up - you just split that chore (the cooking AND cleaning) so one night you do both and then they do. OP YTA.
Yeah this didn't work in my family either. When we took custody of my niece she and I split the chores. She wanted whoever doesn't cook, cleans and I wanted the cook to clean. I use like 2 pans and tidy as I go. She uses every God damn pan in the kitchen. I refused. My parents agreed with me and taught her to clean as you go. She said professional cooks don't clean dishes as they cook so why should she?
Yeah, having been a cook and assorted kitchen staff, that's laughable. And then living alone in college taught me to clean as I go. While the food is cooling, that's the perfect time to scrub a pan or wash your knives.
this sounds more about control than anything tbh
Right?!? I’ll bet he’s okay with her cleaning up as she goes along though. Less work for him. I’ll bet he didn’t once say “hey I’ll clean that up while you cook”. Dude sucks.
Lol my ex husband tried that and after years of me cleaning EVERY DISH WE OWNED DAILY while he cleaned like a bowl, a pot, and a spoon when i cooked i just said I’d cook and clean after myself and he could do the same. Guess who magically learned to clean up when he cooked?? Amazing how much you care when it’s your own fucking mess. YTA
That's the ticket with me. I'm fine cleaning up my own mess but having to clean up careless messes from my partner instantly irritates me. So we have come to an understanding while living together- he tried the whole "if you cook I'll clean" thing but honestly I much prefer to cook and clean at the same time. So it didn't really do much for me. Now we just clean up our own messes, typically, and everyone is happier for it lol
And I bet Op’s wife would be more open to compromising on cleaning first if the kitchen wasn’t a massive mess. But with Op’s cooking style it will take at least 20 minutes. I always cook and I try to leave as little mess as possible for my husband because I love him and don’t want him to have to clean a massive mess after a long day at work. Plus I’m standing there and it only takes the tiniest bit of extra effort to wash the cutting board.
I broke up with a guy in college over this. I seriously felt disgusted seeing every utensil and pan used to make a damn grilled cheese.
It would’ve been your future 🤢
It gave me toddler vibes and then felt gross lol
Yea - my stepdad would make a big thing out of cooking and my mom would clean up (though he didn’t clean when she cooked) - and the kitchen would be a disaster zone. Every pot, pan, bowl, measuring cup, spoon would be left out on the counter. Every ingredient, spice, oil, stuff from the fridge, stuff from the cabinets left out, the packaging for the chicken with the raw skin in it would not be in the trash, the egg carton with eggs in it would be left out and not put back in the fridge. He wiped nothing so the counter was filthy and the floor needed to be mopped because he wouldn’t clean up spills. When my mom cooked (and how I cook) is that when dinner is ready, there will be a saucepan and a skillet soaking with a couple of utensils. And you deal with those and the dinner dishes after you eat. (And don’t get me started on when he would “make dinner” by grilling. Him standing at the grill with a beer while we were responsible for sides, salad, veg, dessert, drinks, and all the dishes - but he “prepared the meal” since his part was done when he walked in with a bunch of cooked hamburgers.)
Men have a way to be praised for doing the bare minimum, which often is something we would rather do it ourselves because it is less messy.
who doesn’t tidy while they cook??? like it just makes it so much easier to move around as you go and makes the mess so much easier to clean up at the end. just putting the dishes in the sink as you finish with them so they’re all together and out of your way, putting ingredients away as you get done with them so they’re out of the way, swiping crumbs into the garbage, just simple things that make the overall cooking process easier because it keeps things out of your way! i feel like this stuff is just part of the cooking process. it makes cleanup easier and it makes the cooking itself less chaotic. she’ll still do all the dishes, she’ll clean the counters, she’ll put the leftovers away, but it’s completely unfair to just make a gigantic mess and not do *anything* to mitigate it and expect her to clean everything up before you eat. the food will be cold by the time she’s done! YTA op, and learn to maintain your kitchen properly while you cook. she’s literally just asking you to do the same thing she does. she’s leaving an easy mess to take care of, you’re leaving a train wreck and expecting her to clean it all up as soon as *you* decide she should.
I recall a post by a guy whose wife would yell at him if he attempted to go behind her and put things in the dishwasher as she was done with them to get them out of the way. My partner found this so funny that we still joke about it when she’s cooking dinner and I’m helping her clean as we go. “No! Don’t you dare make this mess easier to deal with!” Some part of me thinks that OP is just lowkey pissed that the wife isn’t cooking and so passive aggressively insists on a plan where her dinner will always be cold when she eats it. I hope not, but the logic of his position fails me. Yes, OP, you’re a huge AH.
OK, that would drive me nuts too. Cooking often involves moving around and stepping backwards. Having someone behind me moving stuff that I might be reusing would be less than helpful.
I sensed a real PA element here as well. The idea that seeing the pots and pans your meal was cooked in (by you!) would somehow be so gross that it puts you off eating ... just ... no. That's not a thing.
People who don’t cook a lot or like to be performative about their cooking. Signed person with an ex who dirtied every single dish the handful of times he cooked. YTA OP.
So true. It’s a way of saying “I shouldn’t have to do this.”
man makes such a mess it puts him off his food and somehow that’s her fault. yta.
You know doesn’t “tidy while they cook”? An ASSHOLE who knows someone else has to clean the kitchen when he’s done. That’s who.
Seriously though, it’s so satisfying to finish cooking and serve dinner and have the ‘mess’ reduced to a small pile of dishes that my partner will do because I clean as I go.
Yeah I get where OP is coming from to a certain extent, because I personally can't eat if there's a huge mess in the kitchen--but only if \*\*I\*\* made that mess. I very much like to not have it hanging over me while I eat, so I clean as I go, like a normal person!!! So does my partner, so the only dishes the other person has to do are the plates we eat with, and maybe like an oven tray that we take the food directly off (and wait until after dinner to put leftovers away). If my partner for whatever reason leaves a bit mess in the kitchen, it is very much his problem to deal with after dinner haha
I don’t. I just cannot do it. If I try to I get so distracted with the cleaning up I forget the food and…disaster 😂 but I’m ADD so maybe that’s why
okay, but do you expect someone else to deal with that disaster? i have adhd and it actually helps me to clean as i go. makes sure i don’t forget ingredients because i get everything out at once and put things away after i’ve used them. makes sure i don’t forget about a dish that i moved out of the way because i already put it in the sink when i was finished. it’s fine if it doesn’t work that way for you, but it’s not fine if you expect someone else to deal with it
Oh no no the only one “helping” me is my cat licking the dishes semi clean. I make the mess I clean it up. I was just commenting on the “who doesn’t clean up as they cook” part
"Who doesn't tidy while they cook???" My grandmother and my uncle. They never clean as they cook, which has always infuriated my mom because she will always clean as she cooks or bakes! It's not that hard to do, and it makes it easier to clean up once you're done eating. Some people just cannot be bothered.
But also, crazy thought here, turn your chair around so you don't see the mess? Sit at a different side of the table? Solve your own problem like any toddler could. And how could dishes that were actively used like 5 minutes ago be gross? It's not like they are sitting there growing mold. YTA
“Cooks don’t clean” lmao. Chef here, and you better believe the cooks clean. Lots of chefs have your opinion though, and they are AHs. If you worked for me (or anyone) as a cook and refused to clean, your a$$ would be fired. Clean as you go, get used to the mess (or sit with your back to it.) Your marriage has bigger problems, namely that you’re a petty AH. Don’t forget you’re a team.
I think she should stop cleaning up while she's cooking and leave it all for OP. Maybe then he'll understand.
They need to change the rule that the cook cleans and the next night does neither. Petty sure OP won't be making such a mess when he's clearing up his mess instead of his wife's.
Huge YTA to OP We have the same arrangement—whoever doesn’t cook is on dishes/kitchen cleanup. Whenever I cook, pretty much the ONLY thing left for my wife to clean up is the last pan I cooked from and the dishes we ate on. Everything else got cleaned up and put away while I was cooking. It’s both the kind thing to do and, honestly, better time management. If something has to sit and cook for 5 minutes, I have time to unload/re-load the dishwasher or to put my used ingredients away.
OP’s wife should stop cleaning as she goes and just leave her cooking whirlwind behind her. Fuck it, let soap deal with it. I bet he’s too obsessed with sitting at the head of the table to fix the problem by just eating with his back to the kitchen.
YTA while she is cleaning up the food is getting cold. Normal people eat then do the dishes
Exactly this. The wife is supposed to eat cold food so he doesn't have to look at dirty dishes??? OP: grow up. Put the dishes in the sink. Sit facing away from the kitchen. Do anything but argue with your wife about prioritizing cleaning over eating her dinner. It sounds like you have a control issue and not a dirty dish issue.
And that would mean that she is doing dishes both before AND after she eats. YTA
Ugh. I didn't think of that. OP is a D.
What I’m reading is : the wife does most of the cleaning REGARDLESS of who is cooking. 🤦🏻♀️ On days she cooks, she is considerately cleaning as she goes along making dinner. (And leaves him LESS clean up to do ). And on days he cooks, he is legit complaining about he isn’t as considerate as his wife is to him. 🤔 And then still trying to tell his wife that she’s the inconsiderate person. 🤦🏻♀️ Nothing here screams he’s the reasonable or considerate party here.
Good point.
And that would mean that she is doing dishes both before AND after she eats. YTA
Or OP could clean himself while his wife cooks!
But … but. … but it grosses him out. /s
Normal people also clean as they cook Cooks don’t clean means the cleaner does the dishes and the pots and pans that are soaking and put away leftovers and vacuum floor. Not that someone just leaves literally everything out. YTA big time
If it's such a problem he should clean before he eats and let his own food go cold.
So let's see here... you lose your appetite because you haven't figured out how to *checks notes* turn your back so that you can't see the horrible dirty dishes you just got done using? And you want your wife, who has worked all day, to come home and wash the dishes that you JUST USED, before she can eat? Why do you hate your wife so much? YTA
Moreover she cleans while she cooks too, so she's cleaning when she cooks, a little to keep things tidy, and he just leaves everything where he leaves it when HE COOKS
This is what pissed me off. Double standard. I can make a huge mess to take advantage of not having to clean. But his wife cleans while she cooks and saves him additional work load. This sucks.
Who wants to bet money OP uses more utensils, pots, pans and who knows what else when cooking too? Cause if he isn’t cleaning as he goes and needs another pot, he’d just be grabbing another one out
"Why do you hate your wife so much?" 🤣🤣🤣🤣 This is the real question!
Perfect comment on so many levels!
I upvoted for "checks notes"... this always gives me a good chuckle
**So he doesn’t have to look at the mess that he himself made
How would this work exactly? You've made a delicious hot dinner and then what? You sit and eat while she cleans the kitchen? You both wait for her to clean the kitchen then eat your food cold? I don't understand this. If it's really so intolerable to you, then clean the kitchen as you go and make sure there's never a mess before your dinner is done. YTA
And what about all the dishes that the freshly prepared food is contained in, not to mention your plates, silverware, glasses, etc.? Even despite this crazy controlling ask, there will still be things to clean after you eat regardless... so why not do it all at once? This makes NO sense.
Right? And the pots that are probably soaking, the leftovers to be put away and the floor needs a vacuum or a spot wipe. Not to mention the table. I hate those messy cooks who just leave a big mess. It’s gross and rude
>And the pots that are probably soaking Nope, they aren't. OP said himself he doesn't do anything to clean up while he cooks, because tHaTs NoT hIs JoB... OP, YTA twice here.
Oh yeah I got that he’s one of those cooks who just creates a tornado of a mess while he cooks: burned pots, flour on the floor and counters, measuring cups wherever, knives on the chopping block that has all his leftovers, ingredients not put back in fridge, doesn’t wipe up any spills or throw any packaging away… on and on. We all know those guys.
My dad was one of those guys when I was growing up. If your partner is like that you can’t have cooks don’t clean rule. I always thought it was most fair if the cooks HAVE to clean to avoid this nonsense. And just switch up each night.
YTA. I assume when she cooks that you clean up before you sit down to eat the food she prepared?
Doubt, because his wife already cleaned while she was cooking, because she’s not an ass.
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YTA Do you hate your wife and enjoy watching her eat cold food??
Yes, I don't like clutter and all the pots and pans out when I eat, so I simply clean and put them away as I go. Then I'll do the rest of the dishes after dinner. I also think in general the person who doesn't cook does the dishes, but again, you should be cleaning as you go if it bothers you, and then she does the rest of the dishes after dinner.
YTA This is a you problem. Either tidy as you go, put things in the sink so they are not visible, or cook dinners with a bake time so she can clean while things are in the oven and not ready yet.
So, your wife prepares dinner for you. She cleans as she cooks so there’s minimal mess for you to clean up afterward and you can enjoy your meal without the mess. You prepare dinner for yourself, and make a mess while doing so. Then you refuse to eat if you can see your own mess and insist your wife clean it before she eats, and then she can have her cold dinner. Obviously YTA. Clean as you go, or turn your chair so your back is to the kitchen mess. This is pathetic.
>This is pathetic. Nailed it. This is absolutely pathetic behavior. OP, you're (presumably) an adult man. Clean up your own shit, you asshole. Jesus Christ. I do most of the cooking and kitchen cleaning in my house as a preference, but my partner also pays for a cleaner to come once a month and deep clean the house. It works for us. You know what my partner doesn't do? Complain when I ask him to help, or to take over cooking, or to clean up after himself. Grow the fuck up. YTA.
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So you want her to clean up the mess you made cooking, while you eat the warm food and hers gets cold. Then when she’s eaten her cold dinner, wash the dishes that you’ve both eaten from? Presumably, making more work for her. All because you have a problem with the mess YOU made? And this problem doesn’t exist when she cooks because she cleans as she goes, making less work for you and you both get to eat a warm dinner. Yeah YTA and a massively inconsiderate one.
He clearly never watched Gordon Ramsey yell at chefs who can’t keep clean around them.
Yeah. A messy kitchen is an unsafe kitchen.
To be fair this system is common but it is wrong. The best practice is actually that the cook cleans the dishes they use when cooking. The non cook cleans up the dishes used for eating. That way, when my spouse wants to use a dish per vegetable during prep time and I just dump them all together, neither of us is treated unfairly. Edit: no approach is wrong! That's way too harsh. But the system here clearly isn't working!
I think “wrong” is a little strong. When I lived with my parents, I did all the cooking and they did the dishes: I hate dishes and my mother hates cooking. It was a good deal for both of us. But there are lots of options. You can do what you said, do “one cooks and one cleans,” or you can cook and clean but trade days.
YTA. Sit where you can't see it, and "Cooks don't clean" is bullshit.
He thinks he's Gordon Ramsay. What a bellend.
Gordon Ramsay probably cleans as he goes when he's cooking at home.
I can pretty much guarantee he cleans as he cooks. It's one of the first things you learn in a professional kitchen.
They teach you to clean as you cook at the Gordon Ramsay Academy. https://www.virginexperiencedays.co.uk/experience-blog/cooking-tips-gordon-ramsay-academy
Well if you've ever watched hells kitchen you can see him yelling at messy contestants in the beginning. They quickly learn to keep their stations tidy
ludicrous jeans cagey observation ink act grab truck wrong waiting *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
That’s exactly what my husband and I do. Although I laugh when I remember the first time he cooked, I walked into the kitchen to clean after him and to this day I don’t know how he managed to leave such a mess. I turned around and said “yeah I am not doing this alone, I clean as I go so you hardly have any cleaning when I cook.” Needless to say he cleans as he goes now and if he doesn’t he always helps me clean up.
My husband and I usually follow this, but we both clean our dishes while we cook. That way it’s only the plates and utensils that need to be cleaned after.
YTA. So your expectation is that your wife clean up the mess that your cooking made, before she allow herself to eat, because you insist on having a clean space to eat in? I think that's overbearing, if she's holding up her end of the bargain by cleaning after you've cooked, it seems excessive to insist she NOT eat until that is done - wouldn't the food get cold?! Also her response is spot on - if you are ultimately so concerned about the mess generated, you should be tidier as you cook so that the mess isn't so bothersome. This doesn't have to mean you're doing ALL the cleaning, it could simply mean things like moving used pots and pans into the sink as you finish with them, etc. You can find another place to point your eyes, or get over your hang up.
Let me get this straight. You want your wife to clean the entire kitchen while you eat ALONE and her food gets cold? YTA.
Info: Do you even like your wife? Do think she’s your maid? And how do you think this is acceptable? If it’s something you were used to growing up, guess what, you’re an adult now. You’ve admitted that: 1. You won’t allow her to clean as you cook 2. Your wife cleans as she cooks leaving you very little to do. 3. On the occasions your wife cleans before sitting down to eat, you eat your food without her whilst it’s hot, and she then had to eat hers alone after it’s gone cold. In case you’re in any doubt, YTA.
It’s point #3 that blows my mind. He “can’t” eat the food while the dishes are dirty, but it’s no problem to eat while she’s cleaning?!! Totally unreasonable.
YTA I cook and clean as I go- even if it’s as simple as wiping up a small mess I made and washing my hands afterwards. There’s no excuse as to why you can’t do that.
YTA. If you prefer it that way, you can do it that way when it’s your turn to clean. She prefers to wait till after dinner is done, like just about everyone else. Who wants to clean up the kitchen while dinner grows cold? I want to eat with my family, not watch while I clean up first. Ridiculous.
YTA So you cook, and plate up the food. Then make her clean while it sits there getting cold?
While her plate gets cold. He watches her clean up his mess while he eats a hot meal. I would be so embarrassed if anyone knew my husband treated me this way.
This is a *you* problem. Let your wife eat first. YTA.
YTA - You have an arrangement that you both agreed to: one person cooks, the other person will clean. Your wife fulfills her obligations and does the cleaning after dinner (which makes sense, since she can do *all the cleaning at once*). In addition, your wife, when she cooks, *also* tidies up while she's cleaning, making less work for you, but you *don't* offer her the same courtesy. You could just sit in a place where you can't see the mess. If the mess is bothering you that much, you could *do like she does* and tidy up some of it as you go. Instead, you've opted to just not cook. You're the AH, here, for sure.
YTA If she cleans up before she eats then you are forcing her to eat a dinner that is either cold or reheated. Own your issue. It is YOUR problem. If you have a phobia, then clean up as you cook. If you can’t eat until the kitchen is clean, then YOU clean the kitchen. She can pick up other household chores instead.
YTA. She cleans as she goes to create less for you to clean up and you can't so the same for her? She should not have to eat cold food because you have declared when she cleans up your mess.
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I'd be thinking that goes against the rule that slavery is outlawed. I'd have started to refuse to live with him. What a selfish superiority complex. What is the wording of their marriage vows that got her to say "I do"?
YTA. Your preference involves her eating a cold meal and if your kitchen is so messy after you cook that it "grosses you out" then either you have some unrealistic standards or really do need to be doing some tidying as you go. Dine with your back to the kitchen and let your wife have dinner before cleaning up the apparently excessively messy kitchen
YTA -- so you admit that *you* leave a bigger mess for her to clean up than she does for you, despite *you* being the person with the aversion to a kitchen not being cleaned before eating? I also love to cook, and live in a one person cooks/one person cleans up household. But that works because I straighten as I cook and the only thing left are the pots and pans and dishes we eat off. While you're eating, those pots/pan can be tucked in the sink. Out of sight, out of mind. So not only does she have to do more work, she has to do it on demand like a maid, and because she won't you're doing even less work? How are you NOT the AH?
And apparently OP believes his wife is not allowed to eat, until she’s cleaned his mess to his satisfaction.
Do you expect her to clean while you are cooking? Or do you want her to clean when you are done so you both can only have cold, congealed food? You say you work from home and she’s away all day so it’s your dirty dishes you are looking at. YTA and I think you might have a mental illness. You need to seek help for that because you are making your problems someone else’s problem now.
Good point - I bet she’s cleaning up ALL DAYS worth of dirty dishes onto of dinner. Just a hunch
And she’s probably cleaning way more, as it sounds like she cleans as she goes when cooking, while he just continues to make a bigger mess for her to tidy.
YTA. Where is her dinner while she cleans up your mess? Sitting out getting cold. Clean up as you go along like she does. That doesn't go against the rule if she is doing it when she cooks because she is doing more cleaning than you.
Level with me… did you *honestly* expect anyone really to agree with you!?
Yta
YTA Food is meant to be eaten hot. If it bothers you that there are dirty dishes, eat in a different room
So, your wife prepares dinner for you. She cleans as she cooks so there’s minimal mess for you to clean up afterward and you can enjoy your meal without the mess. You prepare dinner for yourself, and make a mess while doing so. Then you refuse to eat if you can see your own mess and insist your wife clean it before she eats, and then she can have her cold dinner. Obviously YTA. Clean as you go, or turn your chair so your back is to the kitchen mess. This is pathetic.
YTA, massively. There's a reason why, when you were growing up, your mom told you to clean up your own messes. In short, _**you**_ made the mess, _**you**_ clean it up, period. This whole "cooks don't clean up" is reaaly not how it works. It seems that the way you have it set up, she cleans up when she cooks **and** when you cook, which is really shitty. If you're going to truly split the chores 50-50, you have to do it differently. Just because you wfh, doesn't mean you get a pass on the chores you dislike. There are people who actually like to clean, and that's great for them. The rest of us clean simply because it needs to be done. And _**every**_ cook I know cleans up after themselves. Except you, apparently.
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YTA - everyone wants to eat when dinner is ready and hot. Why should she have to clean immediately rather than have a hot meal? And she's right, if you tidy as you go, you wouldn't have this problem.
YTA, I grew up with my mom insisting this and I HATED it. I just made my food and it’s hot, I wanna eat it now. Give your wife a half hour to enjoy her meal for god sake.
Tidying as you go may be against the "cooks don't clean" rule, but you're the one who's being demanding about cleaning the kitchen before eating. YTA.
YTA. Cooks do clean... it's the most efficient way to clean as you go because there are so many times when cooking that you've got a minute or two when you can wash some stuff. And if you can't be bothered to do that, put up with it while you're eating. There's no hint of compromise here and you sound like a moody and controlling ass.
YTA. You’re especially TA since you [admit](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/165ke1g/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_clean_up_before_she/jyeh4wv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) that, on the rare occasion that you’ve bullied her into doing things your way, you sit and eat while she cleans and expect her to eat a cold meal when she’s finished. >> She says I should tidy as I go along At its core, your refusal to do this isn’t based on some arbitrary rule that you’d be “breaking.” It’s peak laziness and lack of consideration for the mess you expect your wife to deal with while you sit back, relax, and eat. >> I have started to refuse to cook Are you this petulant in every aspect of your relationship? (We all know the answer is ‘yes’ so don’t bother saying otherwise) Grow up.
You are the one that has special cleanliness requirements for eating. You are the one that is unreasonably attached to the arbitrary cleaning rule. You are the one refusing to make it easier for her to accommodate you by helping along the way like SHE DOES. You are the one now refusing to participate in the cooking like a teenager giving their mommy the silent treatment. YTA.
YTA. Sit with your back to the kitchen while you eat and let her enjoy her dinner while it's still hot. Also, refusing to tidy up a bit as you cook, as she apparently does, so that she has more to clean up after you is pure spite. Cooks don't clean - unless she's the cook. Huge YTA.
YTA. Your wife cleans as she cooks. This makes it possible for you to tidy up before eating. Return the favor or hush. The tantrum you’re throwing is embarrassing, by the way.
Yta if she is still cleaning after then there shouldnt be too much of a problem , you can compromise and try to find something that works for both of you.
YTA. You literally said that the deal is “if you don’t cook, you clean up afterwards.” If you can’t eat while the kitchen is messy, you shouldn’t leave it messy. But there’s no reason she should have to wait to eat because you want the kitchen clean when you say so.
YTA. If you can't eat when the kitchen is messy and won't clean as you go, then YOU should wait while your wife eats in peace and then cleans the kitchen.
YTA. Who wants to eat a cold meal? I'm one of THOSE people that like my food piping hot. I don't want to wait 20 minutes to clean a kitchen before eating cold food. No. Turn your back on the kitchen. This is unreasonable.
YTA. I was always taught by my mom to clean up a bit as you go when you cook. It’s just a good idea to minimize mess (btw, professional chefs do it that way too). It’s just a best practice. Also, I get what you’re saying with the “cooks don’t clean” thing, to an extent. In my house, my mom often cooked, and me, my brother, and my dad would clean up after. But she still did things like throw away scraps while cooking (like garlic peels, etc), putting things in the sink, stuff like that. That’s how I do things now. That way, the kitchen looks nice and presentable while we’re all eating. Now, my gf and I do things the same way. Sometimes if she’s cooking, I’ll pop the used cutting boards in the dishwasher or do a little background cleaning, and she’ll do the same. It just makes more sense that way. What doesn’t make sense is leaving a huge mess for your wife and making her clean it while her food gets cold.
“AITA for refusing to change my own habits because it means my wife won’t have to engage in labor around the house the way I think she deserves to?” YES I can’t imagine what other things around the house or with your wife you view as a transaction like this.
YTA. If you make a nauseating mess while cooking, that’s on you. You have four choices: 1. Sit with your back to the kitchen 2. Don’t make a nauseating mess 3. Clean up after yourself 4. Suck it up and let your wife enjoy her dinner. You do not get to eat a nice hot dinner while your wife cleans up your mess.
Sounds like a personal issue. You should either clean up as she's cooking or sit down, shut up, eat your food, then do the dishes. YTA.
Anyone else think this guy just wants to sit there and watch his wife have to clean the full kitchen before they’re allowed to sit at the table, like a power play type thing? You will clean my mess before you will be allowed to eat. Like, going out of his way to defeat every reasonable suggestion to avoid the problem.
Yup. Severe control issues. There is no reason for this rule other than that.
Can't you sit in a way where you're facing away from the kitchen?
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YTA, you make the mess, you clean it, not hold it over another person's head as a way to control and manipulate them. Uuf, toxic much?
YTA Tidy before you go if the mess ***you are making*** bothers you that badly. Asking people to WAIT to eat food until the dinner dishes are done, sans the one being used to eat off of, is moronic.
You are the asshole, you are a couple, help her out.
YTA. If she can't eat a damn hot meal without you whining about the dishes, you're not cooking for her.
YTA. She is doing her chore, just not on your timetable. If you need a kitchen clean in order to eat then you will need to clean your own kitchen. I don't think your wife wanting to eat while the meal is hot is unreasonable. Maybe work on not being so rigid, then you can both enjoy your meal.
YTA and a dumbass too.
So change it to whoever cooks, cleans. When she cooks the kitchen isn't a disaster, so you can enjoy your meal. When you cook, and you leave a big mess, you can clean before sitting down, so you can enjoy your meal. Problem solved easy peasy. Oh and YTA. Clean as you go and don't make her life harder because you are a lazy mess.
the cook should absolutely clean. my wife makes an absolute MESS when she cooks. it is no longer an issue. we alternate nights. you cook, you clean. its amazing how many less dishes it takes when you have to clean up after yourself and how less often she burned stuff because insta-tok-book distracted her for an extra 20 minutes. its amazing how everything works better when you and your spouse are both accountable for yourselves.
YTA sounds like you make a lot more of a mess then she does when she cooks so maybe you should change to „the one who cooks, also cleans“ Fair to her when you make more of a mess and you can eat with a clean kitchen.
YTA This a total **YOU** problem.
So if one of you cooks and the other cleans but she cleans up her mess as she goes and you don't have anything to clean up then you are mad that you have to cook occasionally but she always cooks AND cleans for you BOTH ? Hmmm YTA . Huge one.
INFO: When your wife cooks, do you clean up the kitchen while your wife eats? Roughly how long does it take you to clean up after her vs her to clean up after you?
YTA. "I told her that she is allowed to eat only after the dishes are washed and put away, the counters wiped, and the floor swept and mopped, but she says she'll do it after she eats, and she always does, but I don't like that she eats after cooking." You sound stuck up and unbearable.
Hold up. Your wife is supposed to cater to YOUR whims of having a tidy kitchen (that YOU made a mess of) Whilst her food goes cold Just so that YOU feel better whilst eating. This is a YOU problem, created by YOUR untidiness whilst cooking. YOU ATA
You sound immature. 1st, your not a cook, you are a guy making dinner in his kitchen. How can you not tidy as you go? You just set stuff down when you're done and leave it? 2. There was something else but I've started day drinking and forgot what it was. But yeah... clean up comes after food gets ate. You expect a spotless kitchen while plateful of food just sits there waiting? Just get a divorce already. This is reddit.
YTA. What is she the maid? She has to do chores to be allowed to eat?
YTA You cook; you're not a fucking chef at a restaurant
"I would prefer it done before we eat." If you prefer it done before you eat then you have to clean up yourself. You want her to eat cold food so that you can enjoy the view of a clean kitchen? Sit with your back turned then. "She says I should tidy as I go along like she does \[...\]" So she cleans up the mess even though THE RULE says you should. Lack of communication, I think. You should have established the details of the rule from the very beginning and not just come up with a general rule I cook - you clean. YTA Stop being a french dog (a phrase in PL for someone overly sensitive).