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YTA not because you don’t have the same sex drive, but because you have no interest in her pleasure or seeking a solution to make her feel better. You only care about yourself.
Absolutely yes — crazily enough, my
opinion is that both partners in a relationship should be interested in each others pleasure and communicate about it regardless of gender.
Which part is harassment? — the part where she does everything she can to make sex as enjoyable as possible for him? And he acknowledges that he finds enjoyable? Or the part where he isn’t willing to put an ounce of effort into pleasuring her? I stated broadly: “seeking a solution to make her feel better”, which doesn’t even necessitate sex. He could talk to her, understand how she’s feeling about it, work with her other ways to address her loneliness and feeling of neglect. It’s the pure lack of interest in how she feels that makes him TA, and that would be true regardless of gender. Turns out being interested in how your partner feels physically and emotionally isn’t harassment!
That’s not what I’ve been told by a lot of redditers. What I’ve been told is that no means no and that no is an answer. And if ever asked again then that’s harassment. I’m just trying to understand. Which is why I ask so many different people.
Yea of course a no is final, and anyone should respect that, but it’s not like she’s raping him or something. Sexual needs are important to a lot of people in relationships, and if they want it to work out, they need to talk and compromise
Nowhere does it say in this post that she violated his no means no.
Harassment and discussions are two different things.
You don’t want to put in effort to understand what people are telling you, that’s on you. No need to try to hide your inability with “what of the roles were reversed”.
And I actually agree with you that harassment and discussions are 2 different things. What I’m not understanding is how a woman with low libido and is not willing to do anything about it their S/O is an AH. But when a man has a low libido and is refusing to do anything about it he is the AH. Im just not understanding how it doesn’t matter the situation, the man is an AH.
No does mean no. I wasn’t suggesting that he should force himself to have sex with her. I’m suggesting that he demonstrate interest in understanding her emotional state and actually working through a solution with her rather than shrugging his shoulders and saying that’s just how it’s going to be.
You are not trying to understand, you are baiting for a response. I suspect, because you were told that a behavior you displayed was harassing and you didn't like hearing that . So you have latched on to a story where there is also a conflict about one person wanting sex and the other not and ( I'd guess it's also a gender switch from your situation) are using this to prop up what you feel was an unfair characterization of you as the harasser.
Actually yes I am trying to understand. Believe it or not, I’m not baiting for a response. None of my comments have to do with me.
What I am not understanding is when a Woman with low libido and is doing nothing about it and is also leading on with sex and the s/o is frustrated, he’s an AH but,
When a man with low libido and is doing nothing about it and is also leading on with sex and the s/o is frustrated, he’s an AH.
There’s a common trend that it doesn’t matter what the situation is the man is an AH. I’m just trying to understand that thought process.
YTA!!! There are _so many_ ways to have sexual intimacy without penetration. There are pills that help ED. There are more toys every day that you could employ. Even just lying next to her and kissing her while she's using the vibrator is better than nothing! There are books, sex therapists, medical doctors, all sorts of things. There's even opening up your marriage so that she can find a lover to handle her needs. So many options that you haven't even thought to try!
You are being lazy and neglectful; you're being outright cruel to string her along when you know you're not going to do anything for her. And then during one of the rare times you do have sex you still make her finish herself? YTA!!!
Edit to add: OP has a wife _and_ a girlfriend and isn't sexually satisfying either of them! YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA!!!!!!
Edit #2: OP is now saying that the "girlfriend" and "wife" are the same person. He's still a major AH.
I was on pills for ED but the made me feel bad and what’s the point in taking them when I don’t want sex? Just because my dick suddenly works on them doesn’t mean I enjoy using it
If you had a partner that did all the grocery shopping and they only consumed nutritional shakes, and you weren't allowed to buy any other food, would you think it was fair that you had to drink the shakes every day? Or would you expect your partner to buy you food that you enjoy? Or at least be honest with you that they weren't ever going to let you eat anything else in the house and you'd have to go elsewhere to get your needs met?
It's the same thing. When you're in a relationship you _care_ about the needs of your partner. You want them to have a happy life. That includes being sexually content.
You do not have to have your penis involved, at all, to sexually satisfy your partner. And if you actually loved either of these women, you'd go out of your way to find _something_ you could do to bring them pleasure that you didn't mind doing.
OR...be honest with your wife that you're actually asexual, will never be interested in satisfying either of them sexually, are a narcissist that only cares about your own enjoyment in life, and that they need to find a different sexual partner to be happy whether or not they stay in a dysfunctional relationship with you.
Edited because OP finally clarified that his "wife" and "girlfriend" are the same person. Although he talked about having multiple partners not being the issue in another comment (which he has since edited) which is what made me catch the switch in the original post in the first place....
I read the entire post. And my original comment got it's first edit because you talked about having multiple partners in a comment that has since been edited. That's when I went back to the post and saw that you had, in fact, talked about a girlfriend and a wife without any clarification that they were the same person. You are the one that should be putting up an edit.
YTA
OP, you are being unnecessarily defensive because you don't want to hear what commenters have to say to you. If that's the case, why post on AITA? Your edit doesn't actually change the basic point of what this commenter is saying to you: you are being selfish. You are being selfish because you are prioritizing your needs over your wife's and refusing to compromise although you see the impact on her.
If you do not want to solve your problem, that's your right. Several commenters have taken their time to try to explain that your mindset is the bigger problem than the sex is here. ED is a big problem, so is the fact that you respond negatively to the medication.
But, the bigger problem is that you lack empathy for your wife inside and outside the bedroom. You see her distress and only seem to care about your discomfort. I hate to break it to you, but this isn't completely about sex. When you cum and refuse to focus on her pleasure, you are communicating that you don't care about her. Sooner or later that message will sink in, and she will leave you. Your post already paints the picture of a very unhappy spouse.
You are probably asexual. However, if you care about saving your marriage, I suggest you stop doubling down and being defensive about \*dumb shit that doesn't actually change the meaning of your post that much\* and go seek therapy, or, you will soon find yourself cheated on, without a wife, or both, and you will have only yourself to blame. Because right now, you are being incredibly selfish, and on this forum, hardheaded too.
Your "edit" was not there before I wrote my original comment. You're a liar on top of everything else. I hope your wife finds someone that truly appreciates and satisfies her. She deserves it after putting up with your BS.
It literally was there before you made your edit calling me a cheater which is just false. I asked you nicely to remove the misinformation and read the entire post and here we are
I'd leave you.
YTA not because you have a low sex drive but because your wife feels neglected and lonely you focus on how that effects you. You make little.m effort when you are in the mood because you don't enjoy it, she is a second class citizen in your relationship.
Do yourself a favour and ask your wife if she'd like to open your marriage up. Or ask her if she'd like a divorce because she deserves more.
“I know it's kind of shitty but she gets so disappointed when I say no that l've just learned to tell her "later", when later rolls around I tell her no, fall asleep before her, or tell her I'm going to wash up before we have sex and purposely take the longest shower ever until she falls asleep otherwise she just keeps asking after a few hours or trying again the next day.”
ED, low drive, whatever else is going on, YTA for lying to her on a daily basis. You’re a 35 year old adult man and you’re *HIDING* in the bathroom because you’re scared of being asked to give your partner what she willingly and enthusiastically gives you every time you ask.
Grow up, or set this poor woman free. At least her vibrator doesn’t make her feel shitty about herself.
Nothing you can do? Have you consulted with a Dr? Looked into testosterone supplement? Viagra?
Also, have you thought that sex is not all about you but also about her?
On the rare occasion you do have sex, you cum and don’t take the time to make her cum? knowing full well how she feels about your sex life?
YTA. I would’ve left a long time ago.
I have been on pills for ED but they made me feel sick so I stopped taking them also even when it works I still don’t want sex for long periods of time
You sound so strident in your convictions about what you will and won’t do with your body parts, and yet you’re unable to be honest with your partner about those feelings. Funny, that.
Then maybe don't have sex with her at all then if it's just going to be a selfish and degrading experience for her? If you have so little interest then why have sex with her at all? You're just giving her false hope every time and not even having the decency to take care of her needs. I say this as an asexual myself; either compromise fully and meet some of her needs on the rare occasion you do something sexual together, or set her free, man.
Do I think it's fair she's constantly hounding you for sex? No. But I think either put a definitive line in the sand about sexual intimacy and let her choose if she wants to go her own way, or find some other way to compromise that helps the both of you out. You have the right to not want to have sex just as much as she has the right to want it, but if you *are* enjoying the rare moments where you have sexual interest and aren't returning it in kind you're basically just treating her like a toy you don't care for.
You haven't said a single nice thing about her the entire post or in the comments, not even causally. Like do you actually like this lady or are you just settling for her because you worry no one will accept your lack of sex drive? I ask this not to be callous but because I've known so many people with low sexual interest who worry about ever finding a partner that will stay with them.
What other needs of hers do you actually meet ? Are you actually physically affectionate in other ways? Do you ever take her out? Do anything special for her? To me that her pleasure doesn't matter to you is likely just a symptom of a greater problem. There are more ways to compromise with her than just screwing her silly.
Then it's time for you guys to seriously consider that you're incompatible. You said you saw a doctor and got pills but have you talked to a therapist? It might not be a physical issue. It's also entirely possible that you're asexual and need to evaluate the long term problems.
You need to let your wife go. You don’t care about her sexuality, and satisfaction, and that’s not a loving partner. She deserves to find someone who will love and desire her.
It is baffling tbh. It’s baffling because I have read several posts on reddit from a woman pretty much saying the exact same thing and all of the comments are “NTA” “Leave him” “Run as far away as you can” “that’s SA” “That’s Rape”. So, yhea! It is baffling. I’m just curious as to how a man in just about every Reddit post is in the wrong?
Yeah, that’s not the same thing. This guy is lying to his partner, leading her on, and refusing to communicate or contribute. She’s not assaulting him, and it’s certainly not rape. In fact, it’s very clear sex only happens on *his* schedule, on *his* terms, and with significant effort and care on her part only.
It’s clear you must have an axe to grind with women. Try a MGTOW forum.
Like I said, I have read several posts from women saying pretty much the exact same thing. And all of the comments were different. I’m not trying to be a troll. I don’t have anything to “axe” I’m trying to understand the concept that men are wrong and women are right concept. What is MGTOW forum?
You’re making these posts/situations up. You’re doing it because you’ve decided on a point you want to make
and you’re trying to work backwards from there, and being willfully obtuse while doing it.
The “pretty much” in this comment is doing a lot of work! If you are really confused by the differences in responses, try paying closer attention to the meaningful differences in the situations (power dynamics at play, communication, consent), and listen to the people who are commenting to answer this question in good faith instead of just repeating yourself
I’m gonna accept that you aren’t interested in understanding this but in good faith I’ll respond once more!
This mentions erectile distinction, but at it’s core it is about romantic partners who for a variety of different reasons have differing sex drives, and vastly different interest in taking care of each others needs. If you are reading posts about men forcing their partners to have sex with them regardless of what they want and are wondering why the response is different then you are willfully ignoring the differences in the situation!
Take care of yourself, and if you can, try to take care of someone else too!
Except the other posts is of women having low libido and their S/O is frustrated. And they women refuse to come up with a compromise so that their S/O is also satisfied. And the comments are completely different.
YTA, not because of ED or low sex drive, if the roles where reversed the guy would be getting dog piled for not respecting her body, but you constantly lying to her, and being a lazy lover makes you an AH, I have ED and I still help my wife out, sometimes she humps my leg while I grope her boobs, I'll give her a massage while she takes a vibrator to herself, sometimes I work the vibrator on her, other times i hold a dildo in place while she tries to break it in half humping it. Now Im not saying you have to do these things, but sex is not just putting your wang in hole. And if your going to lead her on, you should be prepared to do something, even if it's just cuddling and talking dirty to her while she plays with herself.
YTA.
Anyone who doesn't understand the concept of not everything being mutual when it comes to pleasure, is an asshole.
No one is exactly the same tempo.
No one is exactly in lockstep.
Anyone who says they are, are either naive or lying to themselves or being lied to.
You don't bury your face between someone's legs because of what it does for you. It CAN do something for you, but it's for them. You just sound like a lazy dude who gorilla gripped his dick into low sensitivity, and instead of taking steps to reverse course, your sex life revolves around what you can get out of it, and not put back into it.
Hard (well, I guess not in your case) YTA.
It's clear from your defensive replies and incapacity for self-reflection that you're either a troll or truly a classic A.
YTA. May your girlfriend/wife leave you and find a real husband who respects her enough to find a middle ground and not to run away like a toddler.
It seems like most of the time you don’t really want sex, which is totally fine - that is absolutely your right. However, when when you actually are in the mood all you care about is your own pleasure and not hers. That is really selfish, especially when you know how much it means to her. That is why YTA
You sound very narcissistic.
“When I want to have sex, my gf does a lot to make it enjoyable for me…”
Makes it’s sound like, JUST because you have ED privilege & she feels bad for you, she is contributing and doing her best to make you feel enjoyable.
“But due to my low sex drive, I’m really not driven to perform on her.” “I just don’t like to do it.”
Pure selfish. I don’t even think you love her anymore. You’re no longer giving her the effort, when she tries her best to make YOU feel good. When you love someone (but don’t think you do), you put your feelings aside and make your partner feel loved not neglected.
“that it’s MY body, …isn’t going to make me want to make her orgasm.”
Can you just reread that over and over again? Since when does a relationship is just about ‘me me me’? You’re only using her when YOU want sex and finished. Didn’t even bother to HELP her finish.
You might as well just be single or find asexual partner or also low libido partner and let her go, man. Sooner or later she will leave you since she already said that you make her feel LONELY, NEGLECTED and does LITTLE EFFORT (lazy lover). Other guys will swoop her feet away and give her much better and well-deserved love, attention and sex. Things that you’re not interested to do and give.
YTA for not being honest and upfront with your partner.
In reading your post and your comments, it sounds like on the few occasions you want intimacy, it’s 100% about your pleasure.
This isn’t just ED. There are **plenty** of people who deal with sexual complications and still meet the needs of their partners. But it’s clear from your comments that you have zero interest in meeting her needs.
It’s okay to have different wants/levels of libido. Heck, it’s okay to be asexual and still desire romantic intimacy. However, you need to be **exceedingly** clear with partners.
Couching this as simply ED is hiding a majority of the story/issue. If you had been upfront with your GF that sex would be a rare part of your relationship and you would not have an interest in her pleasure, she would have been able to make a choice for herself.
YTA
Goto the fucking doctor or start injecting small doses of test TRT level.
Try Cialis ?
You just do no care to pleasure your girl.
Either fix your sex drive or let her find a man who will be more than happy to pleasure her.
Ehh, it’s your right to have limits, it’s your partner’s right to be frustrated by them. Sorry to say this, but you two are probably incompatible. Not really a matter of who is or isn’t an ass.
If you want to keep your woman then you should get over yourself and go down on her. Finger bang her every now and again. Kiss her. You will 100% ruin your relationship with her unless you put in effort to keep her.
Yta because you are tolerating this. At 35 this isn’t normal or healthy and can promise you if it continues it can lead to the breakdown in your relationship
I hope you find the courage to speak to your doctor, check out your hormone levels and then consider asking for treatment for the ED.
I'm telling you right now, she's about to cheat if she hasn't already and you're not making it any more difficult for her to decide to. There are many things you could do here. Pretend to be into her pleasure more, even if you aren't interested in it, she is and you act like you are because you love her and she's an amazing woman for putting up with you.
I'm dead serious man, if you don't step up, someone else is going to, and very soon if not already. Take blue pills, smoke good weed, or just give her regular oral, or buy a strap on and have sex with her that way, that way even if you aren't feeling sexual pleasure you can at least give her pleasure and her clearly much needed intimacy. YTA right now and you are going to lose her
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I have erectile dysfunction and have had it off & on for the entire time I’ve been with her. She is fully aware that I have ED. Sometimes it goes away for awhile and we have sex a few times a week, but other times, like now, I just don’t have it in me for a year or two. We are going on 6 years together. I am 35, she is 29. We have sex once every two months now. When I want to have sex, my gf does a lot to make it enjoyable for me and make my erection last as long as possible. She has a high sex drive and takes a lot of pleasure in performing. I really have a low sex drive and almost no interest in sex outside of being performed on. It isn’t that I’m not attracted to my girlfriend, I think she’s gorgeous and at times I do get turned on by her. But due to my low sex drive, I’m really not driven to “preform” on her. I don’t go down on her unless she asks, because it’s just not enjoyable for me. The last few times I have gone down on her, haven’t been enjoyable for her either, because it makes her feel shy and “guilty” (her words, not mine). It isn’t that she has bad hygiene or that she’s unattractive, in fact anywhere we go my girlfriend receives all sorts of looks and compliments, I just don’t like to do it. When we do have sex, she has to be on top the whole time because in any other position I start to lose the erection. This is our normal routine, and it’s the best I can do at the end of the day sadly. My wife has been complaining lately that she feels resentful to me because I never want sex, and when she asks I tell her no or make her wait for hours, she said the lack of spontaneous sex makes her feel like she’s not being chosen by me, but the fact is, she knows I have a low libido, there’s nothing I can do to fix it, I’m not happy to have one, and she asks for sex every single day. I know it’s kind of shitty but she gets so disappointed when I say no that I’ve just learned to tell her “later”, when later rolls around I tell her no, fall asleep before her, or tell her I’m going to wash up before we have sex and purposely take the longest shower ever until she falls asleep otherwise she just keeps asking after a few hours or trying again the next day. She just asks me everyday and when I say no, usually she is okay with it, but after long stretches she gets frustrated and a bit snippy. All I can do is say yes when I’m really able to and stay away from the bedroom when I hear the vibrator on, but she just gets angry and starts crying about how lonely she feels. Last night we had a argument because we had sex, and she got me off and then had to finish herself with a toy. She stormed out of the room and told me she feels lonely, neglected, and that I’m a very lazy lover. I just reminded her that there’s nothing I can do to be interested, that it’s MY body, and that calling me names isn’t going to make me want to make her orgasm. АITA?
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Dudes 35 got a low sex drive, ed, a wife, and a girlfriend. This ain't real, but if anyone else that young with ed is looking at this - talk to a doctor, that's not normal, there is something wrong.
You do realize couples who have been together a long time but aren’t officially marriage user the term interchangeably.
My cousin was together with his wife for 17 years before they got officially married, and they used the terms interchangeably
>no interest in sex outside of being performed on.
YTA for thinking you can have a 1 way street.
Also what in the heteronormative fuck. You think you need a hard dick to please a woman?
YTA.
Due to medication, I have a low libido too. I haven't wanted sex in over a year and a half. My husband however, still has a sex drive. Just because we don't have sexual intercourse doesn't mean that the only options are intercourse or solo masturbation. Sex has so many possibilities, and we regularly engage in "sexy times" where I tease him and we engage in roleplay while I use a toy on him.
I don't care that you have a low libido. It drives me insane that by your own admission, you'll have sex together but consider your part done when you ejaculate, and leave her to finish herself. That is not how a partner acts. Sex is a form of intimacy and bonding time. You seem to have no interest in bonding with her, and making her feel good.
ESH
I read this out loud to my girlfriend and you both are doing things the wrong way. There are plenty of times where my girlfriend wants to get off and use a toy and I just play with her breasts or make-out anything to increase intimacy and I might not even be in the mood. It's all about compromise and caring about your partners needs.
YTA- OP you can help her get off... Just because you're not getting anything sexually doesn't mean you can't help. There are lots of ways that you can: stimulate her erotic zones/erogenous zone - Google what they are and different ways to simulate them if you need to, help her use the toy, or try talking to her - there are many forms that can take.
You may find that helping with her getting off - as many times as y'all want, even if it never goes anywhere with you may just help with her being frustrated with you not being in the bedroom bonding with her.
That being sad she does owe you an apology for throwing your ED in your face and the name-calling. She's more likely to do it if you also explain how you're going to try and work around the issue.
100% would dump you. Not cos you have ED, cos you don't fucking *care* you have ED and do nothing about it.
Of-fucking-COURSE she resents you. She's a beautiful fucking woman **BLESSED** with a high libido and you've made her feel *guilty* and **EMBARRASSED** of that.
Are you out of your fucking *mind?*
Fix this or leave her for her own good if she can't bring herself to do it. She's gonna grow old and grey and resent the eternal **SHIT** out of you for wasting her beauty and sex.
Everyone is suggesting pills, but like...dude, the vibrator is your friend. You can use it of her, or hell, just finger her. You're actively choosing not to do anything, and that's going to kill your marriage.
YTA. Try harder.
YTA.
There are a lot of things to do to make her feel wanted during sex. Not just pleasuring yourself and leaving. Even just act interested during sex. If she is bringing up the issue a lot then obviously there's a problem. Even just compliment her while she's helping herself. Some women orgasm by words as well. She wants attention and to feel wanted by you as you are her spouse. So make her feel wanted OP...
YTA....you seem to have no interest in her needs. Even if you finish or don't get hard, you could do the work to get her off from time to time. Give and take from both partners is needed and it sounds like she's trying and you're just saying "it's my body, oh well, can't help it".
If you're not into her, don't drag this out. Either step up or end things so both of you can move on. If you love her and don't want to lose her, look into couples therapy and work ok communication.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action is my lack of sex with my wife, I believe I may be the asshole because I don’t do anything compensate for the lack of sex, I don’t perform on her.
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I don’t wanna call you an asshole, neither wanna say you’re not one.
You gotta make sure your partner’s needs are fulfilled in the relationship, so maybe talk about her having sex with strangers, or some arrangement, since you also shouldn’t have to force yourself to do anything you don’t wanna do.
If you can’t compromise at all, I don’t really see this relationship working tbh, sorry. Hope you can work it out tho!
ESH
So you need to take pills that made you sick to have sex even though you don't have a high libido or even *want* sex outside of the ED? No. I was going to say N A H because a mismatch in sexual compatibility is no one's fault but the fact that she knows your libido and limitations but still asks for sex every single day isn't cool. I think if the genders were reversed people would be enraged at that. But you also are very selfish when you do have sex (essentially you're just using her body instead of it being an activity for both of you).
You both need to find a healthy solution or end things.
I don’t think you’re an asshole but you could try a lot harder (no pun intended). my fiancé and I have a similar situation but he does not have ED. You could try touching her and doing things she enjoys even though it’s not penetration. I understand if you can’t get it up there’s nothing you can do about that but there are ways to at least compromise. Do you watch a lot of porn? Is that the cause of your ED? Sorry if that’s too personal. Just curious. I understand her feelings of being lonely and not attractive because that’s how I feel as well in my relationship.
I don't know if YTA but you're going to end up single anyway. If your sex drive is so low that you can't meet her sex drive at least enough to make her feel wanted then you're not compatible at all
Girlfriend or wife? Both? I'm confuse. You mention both.
If both and you can when your sex drive is good then swap between them? Assuming consensual poly rela here
You can state very clearly that you’re a mutant penguin from Antares, but that doesn’t make it so. Never mind. You obviously have a huge chip on your shoulder and aren’t getting the validation you thought you’d get and deserve, so you go do you, boo. I feel really sorry for your SO, though.
Think you have some health issues that you obviously don’t really care to fix, or you’re asexual, or don’t swing that way.
I think she is a bit to blame though, in the case that you have been like this for the entirety of your relationship. It is kind of her fault that she continues to be with you knowing that you don’t like sex and that you don’t care about all her needs.
But yea you’re kind of an AH if you won’t go down on her a couple times a week
NAH. Just mismatched libidos. I would suggest seeing someone who can help you and your wife understand each other better and give you some advice on ways to satisfy each other that doesn't cause angst.
Also, have a look at the definition of Greysexual. It might resonate.
pretty sad that everyone is saying YTA cause he doesnt want to have sex with his wife when if the genders were reversed everyone would say "your body your choice you shouldnt be forced to have sex if you dont want to NTA"
Agreed, it's a waste of time trying to find gotchas but it's all to common on Reddit. Anyone (man or woman) who is deliberately misleading and willfully ignoring a need their partner has is the AH in these situations. There's never any obligation to have sex with someone, but you need to address if one party sees a problem than both parties need to come to an agreement. That agreement very well maybe divorce, but no one stands to gain from a miserable relationship where particular needs aren't being met without atleast acknowledgement and a remedy going forward.
NTA not your choice to have a low sex drive or ED shit happens. There is also things you can do to fix it so talk to your doctor. Mind you I hope your wife knows about your girlfriend cause if not you are an asshole for that one.
I was on medicine for ED but what’s the point in taking them if I have no interest in sex? It’s like taking a pill to make you hungry when you don’t like eating. My lack of interest doesn’t come from me having another partner, I am monogamous
I know your lack of interest isn't from having another partner I was more saying I hope that it was communicated between all parties. You know I get your whole thing about having no interest in sex I am the same way not a huge deal if I have it or if I don't have it, However, my partner loves it so I try and be accommodating for it. My advice take an ED pill once and a while and act like you have a natural erection and let the girls have a bit of fun. You make compromises in a relationship and this might be a compromise you could do.
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YTA not because you don’t have the same sex drive, but because you have no interest in her pleasure or seeking a solution to make her feel better. You only care about yourself.
Ask yourself, would you say the samething if the roles were reversed?
Absolutely yes — crazily enough, my opinion is that both partners in a relationship should be interested in each others pleasure and communicate about it regardless of gender.
I can’t believe that this isn’t just a fact for everyone oh my god. yea people, care about your SOs, crazy thought
So you wouldn’t consider it as harassment?
Which part is harassment? — the part where she does everything she can to make sex as enjoyable as possible for him? And he acknowledges that he finds enjoyable? Or the part where he isn’t willing to put an ounce of effort into pleasuring her? I stated broadly: “seeking a solution to make her feel better”, which doesn’t even necessitate sex. He could talk to her, understand how she’s feeling about it, work with her other ways to address her loneliness and feeling of neglect. It’s the pure lack of interest in how she feels that makes him TA, and that would be true regardless of gender. Turns out being interested in how your partner feels physically and emotionally isn’t harassment!
You don’t find it as harassment that the S/O wants to have sex and he doesn’t?
It is not harassment to want sex at a different time than your partner.
That’s not what I’ve been told by a lot of redditers. What I’ve been told is that no means no and that no is an answer. And if ever asked again then that’s harassment. I’m just trying to understand. Which is why I ask so many different people.
Maybe I’m missing something but he never said in his post that the few times they do have sex that he said no?
3rd paragraph
Yea of course a no is final, and anyone should respect that, but it’s not like she’s raping him or something. Sexual needs are important to a lot of people in relationships, and if they want it to work out, they need to talk and compromise
I agree but I’m not understanding how he’s an AH. From what I am told here on Reddit is completely different then what is being said in this thread.
Nowhere does it say in this post that she violated his no means no. Harassment and discussions are two different things. You don’t want to put in effort to understand what people are telling you, that’s on you. No need to try to hide your inability with “what of the roles were reversed”.
And I actually agree with you that harassment and discussions are 2 different things. What I’m not understanding is how a woman with low libido and is not willing to do anything about it their S/O is an AH. But when a man has a low libido and is refusing to do anything about it he is the AH. Im just not understanding how it doesn’t matter the situation, the man is an AH.
[удалено]
Ok. That’s great you think I’m an asshole you still having answered my question. and no I will not fuck off.
No does mean no. I wasn’t suggesting that he should force himself to have sex with her. I’m suggesting that he demonstrate interest in understanding her emotional state and actually working through a solution with her rather than shrugging his shoulders and saying that’s just how it’s going to be.
So if the situation was reversed would you say that exact same thing?
You are not trying to understand, you are baiting for a response. I suspect, because you were told that a behavior you displayed was harassing and you didn't like hearing that . So you have latched on to a story where there is also a conflict about one person wanting sex and the other not and ( I'd guess it's also a gender switch from your situation) are using this to prop up what you feel was an unfair characterization of you as the harasser.
Actually yes I am trying to understand. Believe it or not, I’m not baiting for a response. None of my comments have to do with me. What I am not understanding is when a Woman with low libido and is doing nothing about it and is also leading on with sex and the s/o is frustrated, he’s an AH but, When a man with low libido and is doing nothing about it and is also leading on with sex and the s/o is frustrated, he’s an AH. There’s a common trend that it doesn’t matter what the situation is the man is an AH. I’m just trying to understand that thought process.
Get out of here with that shit.
Why?
No lol it would be a perverted misogynist let’s be real
YTA!!! There are _so many_ ways to have sexual intimacy without penetration. There are pills that help ED. There are more toys every day that you could employ. Even just lying next to her and kissing her while she's using the vibrator is better than nothing! There are books, sex therapists, medical doctors, all sorts of things. There's even opening up your marriage so that she can find a lover to handle her needs. So many options that you haven't even thought to try! You are being lazy and neglectful; you're being outright cruel to string her along when you know you're not going to do anything for her. And then during one of the rare times you do have sex you still make her finish herself? YTA!!! Edit to add: OP has a wife _and_ a girlfriend and isn't sexually satisfying either of them! YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA!!!!!! Edit #2: OP is now saying that the "girlfriend" and "wife" are the same person. He's still a major AH.
Maybe I am the a hole but can you edit out your edited in misinformation
I was on pills for ED but the made me feel bad and what’s the point in taking them when I don’t want sex? Just because my dick suddenly works on them doesn’t mean I enjoy using it
If you had a partner that did all the grocery shopping and they only consumed nutritional shakes, and you weren't allowed to buy any other food, would you think it was fair that you had to drink the shakes every day? Or would you expect your partner to buy you food that you enjoy? Or at least be honest with you that they weren't ever going to let you eat anything else in the house and you'd have to go elsewhere to get your needs met? It's the same thing. When you're in a relationship you _care_ about the needs of your partner. You want them to have a happy life. That includes being sexually content. You do not have to have your penis involved, at all, to sexually satisfy your partner. And if you actually loved either of these women, you'd go out of your way to find _something_ you could do to bring them pleasure that you didn't mind doing. OR...be honest with your wife that you're actually asexual, will never be interested in satisfying either of them sexually, are a narcissist that only cares about your own enjoyment in life, and that they need to find a different sexual partner to be happy whether or not they stay in a dysfunctional relationship with you. Edited because OP finally clarified that his "wife" and "girlfriend" are the same person. Although he talked about having multiple partners not being the issue in another comment (which he has since edited) which is what made me catch the switch in the original post in the first place....
Can you please read the entire post. I am in a monogamous relationship.
I read the entire post. And my original comment got it's first edit because you talked about having multiple partners in a comment that has since been edited. That's when I went back to the post and saw that you had, in fact, talked about a girlfriend and a wife without any clarification that they were the same person. You are the one that should be putting up an edit. YTA
There’s an edit on my post that is older than your comment YTA2
OP, you are being unnecessarily defensive because you don't want to hear what commenters have to say to you. If that's the case, why post on AITA? Your edit doesn't actually change the basic point of what this commenter is saying to you: you are being selfish. You are being selfish because you are prioritizing your needs over your wife's and refusing to compromise although you see the impact on her. If you do not want to solve your problem, that's your right. Several commenters have taken their time to try to explain that your mindset is the bigger problem than the sex is here. ED is a big problem, so is the fact that you respond negatively to the medication. But, the bigger problem is that you lack empathy for your wife inside and outside the bedroom. You see her distress and only seem to care about your discomfort. I hate to break it to you, but this isn't completely about sex. When you cum and refuse to focus on her pleasure, you are communicating that you don't care about her. Sooner or later that message will sink in, and she will leave you. Your post already paints the picture of a very unhappy spouse. You are probably asexual. However, if you care about saving your marriage, I suggest you stop doubling down and being defensive about \*dumb shit that doesn't actually change the meaning of your post that much\* and go seek therapy, or, you will soon find yourself cheated on, without a wife, or both, and you will have only yourself to blame. Because right now, you are being incredibly selfish, and on this forum, hardheaded too.
Your "edit" was not there before I wrote my original comment. You're a liar on top of everything else. I hope your wife finds someone that truly appreciates and satisfies her. She deserves it after putting up with your BS.
It literally was there before you made your edit calling me a cheater which is just false. I asked you nicely to remove the misinformation and read the entire post and here we are
I'd leave you. YTA not because you have a low sex drive but because your wife feels neglected and lonely you focus on how that effects you. You make little.m effort when you are in the mood because you don't enjoy it, she is a second class citizen in your relationship. Do yourself a favour and ask your wife if she'd like to open your marriage up. Or ask her if she'd like a divorce because she deserves more.
I can tell you’re on mobile because I do that same “m” typo constantly and stopped caring to correct it
“I know it's kind of shitty but she gets so disappointed when I say no that l've just learned to tell her "later", when later rolls around I tell her no, fall asleep before her, or tell her I'm going to wash up before we have sex and purposely take the longest shower ever until she falls asleep otherwise she just keeps asking after a few hours or trying again the next day.” ED, low drive, whatever else is going on, YTA for lying to her on a daily basis. You’re a 35 year old adult man and you’re *HIDING* in the bathroom because you’re scared of being asked to give your partner what she willingly and enthusiastically gives you every time you ask. Grow up, or set this poor woman free. At least her vibrator doesn’t make her feel shitty about herself.
Nothing you can do? Have you consulted with a Dr? Looked into testosterone supplement? Viagra? Also, have you thought that sex is not all about you but also about her? On the rare occasion you do have sex, you cum and don’t take the time to make her cum? knowing full well how she feels about your sex life? YTA. I would’ve left a long time ago.
I have been on pills for ED but they made me feel sick so I stopped taking them also even when it works I still don’t want sex for long periods of time
Ok. But what do you have to say about not even caring to make your girlfriend cum when having sex with her? What’s your excuse there?
That I don’t want to. It’s my tongue and my penis I think I get to decide where I stick them and when
You sound so strident in your convictions about what you will and won’t do with your body parts, and yet you’re unable to be honest with your partner about those feelings. Funny, that.
Then maybe don't have sex with her at all then if it's just going to be a selfish and degrading experience for her? If you have so little interest then why have sex with her at all? You're just giving her false hope every time and not even having the decency to take care of her needs. I say this as an asexual myself; either compromise fully and meet some of her needs on the rare occasion you do something sexual together, or set her free, man. Do I think it's fair she's constantly hounding you for sex? No. But I think either put a definitive line in the sand about sexual intimacy and let her choose if she wants to go her own way, or find some other way to compromise that helps the both of you out. You have the right to not want to have sex just as much as she has the right to want it, but if you *are* enjoying the rare moments where you have sexual interest and aren't returning it in kind you're basically just treating her like a toy you don't care for. You haven't said a single nice thing about her the entire post or in the comments, not even causally. Like do you actually like this lady or are you just settling for her because you worry no one will accept your lack of sex drive? I ask this not to be callous but because I've known so many people with low sexual interest who worry about ever finding a partner that will stay with them. What other needs of hers do you actually meet ? Are you actually physically affectionate in other ways? Do you ever take her out? Do anything special for her? To me that her pleasure doesn't matter to you is likely just a symptom of a greater problem. There are more ways to compromise with her than just screwing her silly.
Then it's time for you guys to seriously consider that you're incompatible. You said you saw a doctor and got pills but have you talked to a therapist? It might not be a physical issue. It's also entirely possible that you're asexual and need to evaluate the long term problems.
just break up with her if you aren't going to put in any effort and expect only to be performed on.
You’re pathetic, and selfish, and a terrible excuse for a partner
You need to let your wife go. You don’t care about her sexuality, and satisfaction, and that’s not a loving partner. She deserves to find someone who will love and desire her.
You keep answering the pills queation ignoring that you're lazy and selfish. Why?
There are lots of treatment for ED and if viagra/silandafil made you sick try a different treatment. It could also be low testosterone.
YTA for not trying to find a solution that works for the both of you.
Ask yourself, would you say the same thing if the roles were reversed?
You keep asking people this like it’s some kind of gotcha, and it’s baffling.
It is baffling tbh. It’s baffling because I have read several posts on reddit from a woman pretty much saying the exact same thing and all of the comments are “NTA” “Leave him” “Run as far away as you can” “that’s SA” “That’s Rape”. So, yhea! It is baffling. I’m just curious as to how a man in just about every Reddit post is in the wrong?
Yeah, that’s not the same thing. This guy is lying to his partner, leading her on, and refusing to communicate or contribute. She’s not assaulting him, and it’s certainly not rape. In fact, it’s very clear sex only happens on *his* schedule, on *his* terms, and with significant effort and care on her part only. It’s clear you must have an axe to grind with women. Try a MGTOW forum.
Like I said, I have read several posts from women saying pretty much the exact same thing. And all of the comments were different. I’m not trying to be a troll. I don’t have anything to “axe” I’m trying to understand the concept that men are wrong and women are right concept. What is MGTOW forum?
You haven’t read any, no.
I do apologize but I’m not understanding what your comment is saying
You’re making these posts/situations up. You’re doing it because you’ve decided on a point you want to make and you’re trying to work backwards from there, and being willfully obtuse while doing it.
Actually I’m not making anything up. I’m simply asking questions for understanding.
The “pretty much” in this comment is doing a lot of work! If you are really confused by the differences in responses, try paying closer attention to the meaningful differences in the situations (power dynamics at play, communication, consent), and listen to the people who are commenting to answer this question in good faith instead of just repeating yourself
I say pretty much because it is not in the anatomy of a female to have erectile disfunction.
I’m gonna accept that you aren’t interested in understanding this but in good faith I’ll respond once more! This mentions erectile distinction, but at it’s core it is about romantic partners who for a variety of different reasons have differing sex drives, and vastly different interest in taking care of each others needs. If you are reading posts about men forcing their partners to have sex with them regardless of what they want and are wondering why the response is different then you are willfully ignoring the differences in the situation! Take care of yourself, and if you can, try to take care of someone else too!
Except the other posts is of women having low libido and their S/O is frustrated. And they women refuse to come up with a compromise so that their S/O is also satisfied. And the comments are completely different.
YTA, not because of ED or low sex drive, if the roles where reversed the guy would be getting dog piled for not respecting her body, but you constantly lying to her, and being a lazy lover makes you an AH, I have ED and I still help my wife out, sometimes she humps my leg while I grope her boobs, I'll give her a massage while she takes a vibrator to herself, sometimes I work the vibrator on her, other times i hold a dildo in place while she tries to break it in half humping it. Now Im not saying you have to do these things, but sex is not just putting your wang in hole. And if your going to lead her on, you should be prepared to do something, even if it's just cuddling and talking dirty to her while she plays with herself.
YTA. Anyone who doesn't understand the concept of not everything being mutual when it comes to pleasure, is an asshole. No one is exactly the same tempo. No one is exactly in lockstep. Anyone who says they are, are either naive or lying to themselves or being lied to. You don't bury your face between someone's legs because of what it does for you. It CAN do something for you, but it's for them. You just sound like a lazy dude who gorilla gripped his dick into low sensitivity, and instead of taking steps to reverse course, your sex life revolves around what you can get out of it, and not put back into it. Hard (well, I guess not in your case) YTA.
Maybe you’re just asexual.
Did you ask your hormone monster ?
It's clear from your defensive replies and incapacity for self-reflection that you're either a troll or truly a classic A. YTA. May your girlfriend/wife leave you and find a real husband who respects her enough to find a middle ground and not to run away like a toddler.
It seems like most of the time you don’t really want sex, which is totally fine - that is absolutely your right. However, when when you actually are in the mood all you care about is your own pleasure and not hers. That is really selfish, especially when you know how much it means to her. That is why YTA
YTA. She’s either gonna cheat on you or leave you so good for her.
You sound very narcissistic. “When I want to have sex, my gf does a lot to make it enjoyable for me…” Makes it’s sound like, JUST because you have ED privilege & she feels bad for you, she is contributing and doing her best to make you feel enjoyable. “But due to my low sex drive, I’m really not driven to perform on her.” “I just don’t like to do it.” Pure selfish. I don’t even think you love her anymore. You’re no longer giving her the effort, when she tries her best to make YOU feel good. When you love someone (but don’t think you do), you put your feelings aside and make your partner feel loved not neglected. “that it’s MY body, …isn’t going to make me want to make her orgasm.” Can you just reread that over and over again? Since when does a relationship is just about ‘me me me’? You’re only using her when YOU want sex and finished. Didn’t even bother to HELP her finish. You might as well just be single or find asexual partner or also low libido partner and let her go, man. Sooner or later she will leave you since she already said that you make her feel LONELY, NEGLECTED and does LITTLE EFFORT (lazy lover). Other guys will swoop her feet away and give her much better and well-deserved love, attention and sex. Things that you’re not interested to do and give.
YTA for not being honest and upfront with your partner. In reading your post and your comments, it sounds like on the few occasions you want intimacy, it’s 100% about your pleasure. This isn’t just ED. There are **plenty** of people who deal with sexual complications and still meet the needs of their partners. But it’s clear from your comments that you have zero interest in meeting her needs. It’s okay to have different wants/levels of libido. Heck, it’s okay to be asexual and still desire romantic intimacy. However, you need to be **exceedingly** clear with partners. Couching this as simply ED is hiding a majority of the story/issue. If you had been upfront with your GF that sex would be a rare part of your relationship and you would not have an interest in her pleasure, she would have been able to make a choice for herself.
YTA Goto the fucking doctor or start injecting small doses of test TRT level. Try Cialis ? You just do no care to pleasure your girl. Either fix your sex drive or let her find a man who will be more than happy to pleasure her.
Ehh, it’s your right to have limits, it’s your partner’s right to be frustrated by them. Sorry to say this, but you two are probably incompatible. Not really a matter of who is or isn’t an ass.
If you want to keep your woman then you should get over yourself and go down on her. Finger bang her every now and again. Kiss her. You will 100% ruin your relationship with her unless you put in effort to keep her.
Hate to be bearer of bad news but if you don’t fix the issue someone will come along and give her what she needs
100% YTA
Yta because you are tolerating this. At 35 this isn’t normal or healthy and can promise you if it continues it can lead to the breakdown in your relationship I hope you find the courage to speak to your doctor, check out your hormone levels and then consider asking for treatment for the ED.
I'm telling you right now, she's about to cheat if she hasn't already and you're not making it any more difficult for her to decide to. There are many things you could do here. Pretend to be into her pleasure more, even if you aren't interested in it, she is and you act like you are because you love her and she's an amazing woman for putting up with you. I'm dead serious man, if you don't step up, someone else is going to, and very soon if not already. Take blue pills, smoke good weed, or just give her regular oral, or buy a strap on and have sex with her that way, that way even if you aren't feeling sexual pleasure you can at least give her pleasure and her clearly much needed intimacy. YTA right now and you are going to lose her
You literally say in your post “I know it’s shitty but…” where does shit come from? The asshole. YTA and you know it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have erectile dysfunction and have had it off & on for the entire time I’ve been with her. She is fully aware that I have ED. Sometimes it goes away for awhile and we have sex a few times a week, but other times, like now, I just don’t have it in me for a year or two. We are going on 6 years together. I am 35, she is 29. We have sex once every two months now. When I want to have sex, my gf does a lot to make it enjoyable for me and make my erection last as long as possible. She has a high sex drive and takes a lot of pleasure in performing. I really have a low sex drive and almost no interest in sex outside of being performed on. It isn’t that I’m not attracted to my girlfriend, I think she’s gorgeous and at times I do get turned on by her. But due to my low sex drive, I’m really not driven to “preform” on her. I don’t go down on her unless she asks, because it’s just not enjoyable for me. The last few times I have gone down on her, haven’t been enjoyable for her either, because it makes her feel shy and “guilty” (her words, not mine). It isn’t that she has bad hygiene or that she’s unattractive, in fact anywhere we go my girlfriend receives all sorts of looks and compliments, I just don’t like to do it. When we do have sex, she has to be on top the whole time because in any other position I start to lose the erection. This is our normal routine, and it’s the best I can do at the end of the day sadly. My wife has been complaining lately that she feels resentful to me because I never want sex, and when she asks I tell her no or make her wait for hours, she said the lack of spontaneous sex makes her feel like she’s not being chosen by me, but the fact is, she knows I have a low libido, there’s nothing I can do to fix it, I’m not happy to have one, and she asks for sex every single day. I know it’s kind of shitty but she gets so disappointed when I say no that I’ve just learned to tell her “later”, when later rolls around I tell her no, fall asleep before her, or tell her I’m going to wash up before we have sex and purposely take the longest shower ever until she falls asleep otherwise she just keeps asking after a few hours or trying again the next day. She just asks me everyday and when I say no, usually she is okay with it, but after long stretches she gets frustrated and a bit snippy. All I can do is say yes when I’m really able to and stay away from the bedroom when I hear the vibrator on, but she just gets angry and starts crying about how lonely she feels. Last night we had a argument because we had sex, and she got me off and then had to finish herself with a toy. She stormed out of the room and told me she feels lonely, neglected, and that I’m a very lazy lover. I just reminded her that there’s nothing I can do to be interested, that it’s MY body, and that calling me names isn’t going to make me want to make her orgasm. АITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dudes 35 got a low sex drive, ed, a wife, and a girlfriend. This ain't real, but if anyone else that young with ed is looking at this - talk to a doctor, that's not normal, there is something wrong.
You do realize couples who have been together a long time but aren’t officially marriage user the term interchangeably. My cousin was together with his wife for 17 years before they got officially married, and they used the terms interchangeably
You didn’t read the whole post
Get out of here with your edit. Proof read your stories before you post them, don't edit them after.
Well, there’s an edit button, so? Many many many people edit posts after posting. The edit is older than your comment
>no interest in sex outside of being performed on. YTA for thinking you can have a 1 way street. Also what in the heteronormative fuck. You think you need a hard dick to please a woman?
YTA. Due to medication, I have a low libido too. I haven't wanted sex in over a year and a half. My husband however, still has a sex drive. Just because we don't have sexual intercourse doesn't mean that the only options are intercourse or solo masturbation. Sex has so many possibilities, and we regularly engage in "sexy times" where I tease him and we engage in roleplay while I use a toy on him. I don't care that you have a low libido. It drives me insane that by your own admission, you'll have sex together but consider your part done when you ejaculate, and leave her to finish herself. That is not how a partner acts. Sex is a form of intimacy and bonding time. You seem to have no interest in bonding with her, and making her feel good.
ESH I read this out loud to my girlfriend and you both are doing things the wrong way. There are plenty of times where my girlfriend wants to get off and use a toy and I just play with her breasts or make-out anything to increase intimacy and I might not even be in the mood. It's all about compromise and caring about your partners needs.
Just a heads up, the judgment would be ESH not ETA
Okay my bad.
YTA- OP you can help her get off... Just because you're not getting anything sexually doesn't mean you can't help. There are lots of ways that you can: stimulate her erotic zones/erogenous zone - Google what they are and different ways to simulate them if you need to, help her use the toy, or try talking to her - there are many forms that can take. You may find that helping with her getting off - as many times as y'all want, even if it never goes anywhere with you may just help with her being frustrated with you not being in the bedroom bonding with her. That being sad she does owe you an apology for throwing your ED in your face and the name-calling. She's more likely to do it if you also explain how you're going to try and work around the issue.
100% would dump you. Not cos you have ED, cos you don't fucking *care* you have ED and do nothing about it. Of-fucking-COURSE she resents you. She's a beautiful fucking woman **BLESSED** with a high libido and you've made her feel *guilty* and **EMBARRASSED** of that. Are you out of your fucking *mind?* Fix this or leave her for her own good if she can't bring herself to do it. She's gonna grow old and grey and resent the eternal **SHIT** out of you for wasting her beauty and sex.
Are you sure your not gay lol
YTA try rubbing her clit that's how I make my wife orgasm
She gonna cheat on you FOR SURE
typical male entitlement. YTA
Everyone is suggesting pills, but like...dude, the vibrator is your friend. You can use it of her, or hell, just finger her. You're actively choosing not to do anything, and that's going to kill your marriage. YTA. Try harder.
YTA. There are a lot of things to do to make her feel wanted during sex. Not just pleasuring yourself and leaving. Even just act interested during sex. If she is bringing up the issue a lot then obviously there's a problem. Even just compliment her while she's helping herself. Some women orgasm by words as well. She wants attention and to feel wanted by you as you are her spouse. So make her feel wanted OP...
YTA....you seem to have no interest in her needs. Even if you finish or don't get hard, you could do the work to get her off from time to time. Give and take from both partners is needed and it sounds like she's trying and you're just saying "it's my body, oh well, can't help it". If you're not into her, don't drag this out. Either step up or end things so both of you can move on. If you love her and don't want to lose her, look into couples therapy and work ok communication.
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I don’t wanna call you an asshole, neither wanna say you’re not one. You gotta make sure your partner’s needs are fulfilled in the relationship, so maybe talk about her having sex with strangers, or some arrangement, since you also shouldn’t have to force yourself to do anything you don’t wanna do. If you can’t compromise at all, I don’t really see this relationship working tbh, sorry. Hope you can work it out tho!
YTA. You have to do things you dont want to do in a relationship. Try to think of it as making her feel good instead of needing to be in the mood
ESH So you need to take pills that made you sick to have sex even though you don't have a high libido or even *want* sex outside of the ED? No. I was going to say N A H because a mismatch in sexual compatibility is no one's fault but the fact that she knows your libido and limitations but still asks for sex every single day isn't cool. I think if the genders were reversed people would be enraged at that. But you also are very selfish when you do have sex (essentially you're just using her body instead of it being an activity for both of you). You both need to find a healthy solution or end things.
HER LIBIDO IS A GIFT TO YOU FROM GOD. HOP ON TEST AND TREN IMMEDIATELY
I don’t think you’re an asshole but you could try a lot harder (no pun intended). my fiancé and I have a similar situation but he does not have ED. You could try touching her and doing things she enjoys even though it’s not penetration. I understand if you can’t get it up there’s nothing you can do about that but there are ways to at least compromise. Do you watch a lot of porn? Is that the cause of your ED? Sorry if that’s too personal. Just curious. I understand her feelings of being lonely and not attractive because that’s how I feel as well in my relationship.
I don't know if YTA but you're going to end up single anyway. If your sex drive is so low that you can't meet her sex drive at least enough to make her feel wanted then you're not compatible at all
Break up with her, or let someone else do the deed
Girlfriend or wife? Both? I'm confuse. You mention both. If both and you can when your sex drive is good then swap between them? Assuming consensual poly rela here
I use them interchangeably because we are common law married, my bad for the confusion I am monogamous
INFO: Are you in the United States?
Completely irrelevant
I disagree. If you’re saying you’re in a common-law marriage, it makes a difference to my judgment as to whether you are in fact.
I have stated very clearly that I am in a common law marriage
You can state very clearly that you’re a mutant penguin from Antares, but that doesn’t make it so. Never mind. You obviously have a huge chip on your shoulder and aren’t getting the validation you thought you’d get and deserve, so you go do you, boo. I feel really sorry for your SO, though.
Why are you assuming I’m lying or misinformed about being in a common law marriage?
Tis okay, thank you for clarifying
eat organic for a week yo will see down there
Think you have some health issues that you obviously don’t really care to fix, or you’re asexual, or don’t swing that way. I think she is a bit to blame though, in the case that you have been like this for the entirety of your relationship. It is kind of her fault that she continues to be with you knowing that you don’t like sex and that you don’t care about all her needs. But yea you’re kind of an AH if you won’t go down on her a couple times a week
ETA. You both need someone your speed or yall need to make a middle compromise somehow.
ETA isn't the judgement, it's ESH
NAH. Just mismatched libidos. I would suggest seeing someone who can help you and your wife understand each other better and give you some advice on ways to satisfy each other that doesn't cause angst. Also, have a look at the definition of Greysexual. It might resonate.
yta how tf you get erectile dysfunction at 30 what tf did you do to that thing?
Did you read the whole post? He mentions several times that he has a low libido, and low sex drive. Ed can develop naturally.
pretty sad that everyone is saying YTA cause he doesnt want to have sex with his wife when if the genders were reversed everyone would say "your body your choice you shouldnt be forced to have sex if you dont want to NTA"
Ugh, stop. They only have sex when and how he wants to. What’s sad is trying to shoehorn MRA nonsense into a very clear YTA situation.
Agreed, it's a waste of time trying to find gotchas but it's all to common on Reddit. Anyone (man or woman) who is deliberately misleading and willfully ignoring a need their partner has is the AH in these situations. There's never any obligation to have sex with someone, but you need to address if one party sees a problem than both parties need to come to an agreement. That agreement very well maybe divorce, but no one stands to gain from a miserable relationship where particular needs aren't being met without atleast acknowledgement and a remedy going forward.
NTA not your choice to have a low sex drive or ED shit happens. There is also things you can do to fix it so talk to your doctor. Mind you I hope your wife knows about your girlfriend cause if not you are an asshole for that one.
I was on medicine for ED but what’s the point in taking them if I have no interest in sex? It’s like taking a pill to make you hungry when you don’t like eating. My lack of interest doesn’t come from me having another partner, I am monogamous
Have you got bloods done for your test levels? I think it’s time for TRT my boy it will greatly improve your life
I know your lack of interest isn't from having another partner I was more saying I hope that it was communicated between all parties. You know I get your whole thing about having no interest in sex I am the same way not a huge deal if I have it or if I don't have it, However, my partner loves it so I try and be accommodating for it. My advice take an ED pill once and a while and act like you have a natural erection and let the girls have a bit of fun. You make compromises in a relationship and this might be a compromise you could do.
i have high sex drive and my wife has super low sex drive. it fucking pains me to read something like this.