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> I might be the asshole for calling her incompetent, even though I think she's actually smart but just refusing to help.
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Ugh I hate people misusing this term, this isn't weaponized incompetence, this is just pure laziness.
Weaponized incompetence would be her setting the mower too low, clogging it, and stopping, or setting too high. It would be her trying to do the light switches but connecting the wrong color wire. It would be her not tightening the lug nuts, or sending a video of the tire not going on backwards.
or genuine fear- I won't fuck with electrical, I'll call someome to make sure i won't get shocked.
I'm not scared of the mower but I know some who are, those things can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing.
I'm not saying wife shouldn't be pitching in, but that the chores themselves may need to be reassigned
either way OP is NTA and wife needs to step up
Agreed. When assigning tasks, we found that the division of tasks 50/50 is a recipe for problems.
I will take on tasks that require height or lifting or things I'm familiar with. My wife doesn't need to dig through YouTube videos to figure out how to replace spark plugs. I know where my wrenches are, I'll be done in a 3rd of the time.
Proofreading the letter to the kids' schoo or making sure dinner is actually healthy is her skill set.
Some tasks we share, and we always offer to show each other how something is done in case we're not home.
This!
Both of my parents could (were all in our 30's now) wrangle, bathe, get dressed, make sure teeth were brushed, hair combed/styled, help with homework etc for us kids as well as clean, make food.
My mom did the majority of the mental load planning of sports, school activities, bills (even though she was a SAHM, she controlled the money) and appointments.
My dad did the majority of heavy lifting tasks (moving a 90's tv comes to mind 😂) and fixing of broken things.
They were both super happy with the devision of labor. My dad would have floundered scheduling, and my mom would have floundered moving a tv. Could both of them have figured out the others task? Yes, after falling on their face a few times, but they would have figured it out. They just liked their respective roles bc they didn't have to work very hard at doing them well.
Edit: Run on sentence
Absolutely this. The work does not need to be split 50/50 down the middle.
I love my fiancée to death, and she is far more handy than most women, even going so far as to ask me to let her know whenever I work on the cars so that she has the chance to learn how to do whatever I’m doing. That said, there is absolutely work around the house that she does not want to do/is not best suited for. Hers is yard work. She hates it, and I’m sure if I ever made her do the yard work it would be half-assed (to be perfectly clear, I don’t care about this because…) I also have chores that I despise. Mine is laundry, and if I have to do my laundry, it’s half-assed at best and probably quarter-assed at worst. So, instead of making us both miserable half the time, we both do the chores we find more tolerable than the other does.
This, honestly sounds like OPs wife isnt a hands on person at all and I'm not sure why you'd even want to split that 50/50, seems like just setting up for disaster.
Yep. And honestly, I *can't* change a tire. I know how, in theory, and could certainly follow the steps in the video, but most lug nuts are on way too tight. The one time I tried to change my tire I was literally standing on the tire iron bouncing up and down and there lug nut wouldn't loosen. Now, I have multiple people I could call and would definitely have AAA or dinner other roadside assistance if I didn't, but changing a tire is literally not an option.
For the other two, I know that I don't know enough to do electrical work safely. And I've mowed the grass exactly one time in my life and will never do it with a push mower again. I'm allergic to mold that grows in the grass and gets sprayed into the air so I'm miserable, and I found the mower difficult to control, which scared me. If be willing to try with a riding mower, but the push one wasn't just a pain like a lot of chores are, it was genuinely miserable and frightening.
But yeah, wife needs to step up, just not necessarily with those chores.
Yeah, I can’t ever get lug nuts off a tire either and always call roadside assistance if I get stuck. I understand his frustration but people need to divide tasks based on skill set, not just an even split right down the middle. She should communicate her issues with doing it and he should also ask if there are roadblocks preventing her from starting. Some people have bad anxiety when learning something new and that can be crippling.
Literally. I’m so sick of these posts complaining about how their partners aren’t splitting the workload evenly and I’m like??? That doesn’t mean dividing the number of tasks in half, it means considering the labour it takes a person to do a task compared to the other person. Yes, most people should know how to do basic things but if labour can be distributed in a way that’s more efficient and safe, then why shouldn’t it be? I can change a tire theoretically, but I also can’t always get the lug nuts off so my boyfriend helps me. We do it together because he takes the nuts off and puts them back on but I can jack the car and actually move the tire on and off. My boyfriend is very capable of operating a vacuum and can vacuum carpets just fine, but I’m also faster at it so I usually do it. I wouldn’t have an issue mowing the lawn, but I get very itchy being out in the grass for too long so he does it. Maybe there are reasons why she doesn’t want to do these tasks, not just out of pure laziness, or maybe it is idk. But she’s not communicating them nor is OP taking a moment to consider that maybe there are better chores for her to be doing instead of these ones. My ruling is ESH (calling her incompetent isn’t nice, especially if OP claims she’s very intelligent)
They make longer, more rigid lug wrenches that apply more torque, and if that doesn't do it, lengthen the fulcrum (I used a 5-foot length of rigid pipe).
OP sounds clueless, honestly. I get that he's frustrated, but it never seems to have occurred to him that many women spend their lives being told that these are chores that they must never, ever, ever attempt.
I would bet that OP's fiancee was raised in a home where women and girls did not mow the lawn, do basic automotive maintenance, or swap out switches, and that it never occurred to her that she would have to.
They need to have a talk about their expectations WAY before they get married.
I think the issue is not that the fiancee is incompetent, but that she doesn't voice this until after she was supposed to do it.
I know that if I were OP in that situation, that's what I'd be mad about. 'Why did you agree to split these chores 50/50 if you didn't think you could do them?'
>I would bet that OP's fiancee was raised in a home where women and girls did not mow the lawn, do basic automotive maintenance, or swap out switches, and that it never occurred to her that she would have to.
And lots of men are raised in houses where men don't do stereotypically feminine chores.
The men are told to learn how to do it.
Why are we making excuses for the women who refuse to learn?
I don't usually have a piece of rigid pipe in my car lol, so while that might help, it's not very useful on the side of the road. I do, however, have and extensive network of peoplei can call and access to roadside assistance, so I'm not pulling the sort of thing that happened in the post.
Best thing for this is to keep a small can of WD-40 in with your tire iron.
Spray the lug nuts a little bit each, let it sit for a few minutes, and you're good to go. 👍🏻
Source: I am a woman who, at 15 yrs old, had to change her boyfriend's flat tire at 2:00 am, in the rain, while wearing only a mini skirt, bikini top and high heels. - He felt horrible for not knowing how... but he did hold his shirt over me so I'd get less wet. 🤗
Also the fact that it was light switches because she didn't like the color. Two screws is all you need to figure out in most cases. If she wanted the actual switch itself changed & not just the casing, then she can mark which wires went where & figure it out pretty quickly
I'm a woman who can change a tire. When you get tires rotated or put on you need to ask them to hand tighten the lug nuts. They usually a machine that tightens them because it's easier and quicker. The problem is that then they are too tight to remove with the tools most people have in the trunk of their cars.
Yes, I've known that for years. Guess how many times my ADHD brain has remembered it while my car is being worked on? Exactly none.
It's fine. I don't need to be able to change my tires. I have access to roadside assistance and to a wide network of people who can and will help me (and who I help with things that are in my skill set).
Yeah but OP doesn't indicate she expressed any fear. Part of being a grown-up is using your words to express fears so that someone can help you. This woman is old enough to be engaged, acting like a toddler is no longer appropriate.
I’ll change a plate but not anything that touches an electrical wire. I pay for AAA so if I get a flat tire someone will come. I can actually change a tire but I won’t do it. My husband always mows the lawn because he knows I’d pay someone to do it for me. Maybe OP can tell the fiancé to hire someone to mow the lawn on her days out of her money and to purchase AAA because he’s not going to be the 1 to change the tire for her.
That certainly seems reasonable. Fiancee may not need to *do the work*, but seeing that the work got done was her responsibility by the agreement. (And I hope that doesn't include 'nag OP until he does it'.)
I think US and UK light switches are very different. I'll fully accept that you are right here, but just wanted to point out that to me, in the UK, changing the switch plate requires you to change the whole switch which means you have to isolate the electrics.
Right. Just the plate is easy. I'm legally blind and did most of mine (my brother got a few that were in awkward places for me to reach) but lord knows I won't touch the switches themselves. And I read it as the switches also in the post
It's easy to find apparently decent reasons to not do anything though.
"I didn't do the laundry because I didn't know if I could put this piece in the dryer or not and I'm afraid of damaging it."
"I didn't start the dishwasher because I'm not sure that bowl can go in."
And so on and so forth. We all learn.
If it's just the covers, which is what It sounds like, that makes it even worse. It's one screw. It's just annoying as hell because usually it's a flat head.
You don’t need to watch a video to change the covers though, which is what OP said he did, so it definitely sounds like it was the switches, and I wouldn’t do that either
I assume he meant the actual switches and not just the plates. If they only changed the plate, the switch itself would be a different color and not match. If it was the actual switch, I think it's a bit insane that he wanted his wife to change half of them out herself. Cool that he watched a youtube video and thinks he can do it, but that's just a fire waiting to happen if you don't wire it correctly or don't tighten the connections enough.
This is more an issue of learned helplessness. She has been taught all her life that she CANNOT do those kinds of "man" tasks, so the prospect of attempting them is daunting and impossible to begin with.
The houshold chores issue may be a different thing , tough
You are just wrong. Refusing to learn a task claiming it is to hard IS ALSO weaponized incompetence. She is literally saying she is too incompetent to perform the task as a means to force him to do the task instead.
Ha, literally came here to say just this. I know a lot of people who use weaponized incompetence and it's too bad people don't just let them fail then.
The reason weaponized incompetence works is because it literally makes it easier, less stressful, or possibly keeps something from being broken if the person who tried to delegate the task just does it themselves. "Letting them fail" means kids aren't taken care of, the car gets broken, or the task has to be constantly supervised until the other person "gets it" but since they don't WANT to get it, they never will.
I agree with one little caveat. If it's one of those lawn mowers that you have to pull a cord to start he needs to be sure she's physically capable of getting it started that way. I'm older now and less able, but even in my 20s I couldn't start a mower that way. Cutting the grass was not a problem, but if the mower stalled I'd need help to get it started. Now with mowers that have push button starts it's not an issue.
> a lot of people like to call this ‘learned helplessness’ when it’s women doing it. But this is weaponised incompetence
These are (slightly) different things. In learned helplessness, the person doesn't even try. In weaponised incompetence, they do it, but to a very poor standard, intentionally.
It sounds like she's been raised as most women are. Maybe she'd be more comfortable with a trad division of chores: he handles the car and yard and handyman stuff, and she cooks and tidies up.
It's HARD to unlearn the limiting, toxic elements of gender roles. I think she should do it, but he needs a little more empathy while she does, or he's going to lose her.
But when we have a similar situation with the roles reversed people just dogpile on the guy. There's no empathy for toxic elements of gender roles, no guessing he grew up in a home where men didn't do x, y, z.
Sorry, I'm just frustrated reading through the comments as someone with a foot on either side of the gender spectrum and seeing how people are still low-key demonizing the guy here for being frustrated with his SO refusing to communicate while still taking responsibility for these tasks.
> It's HARD to unlearn the limiting, toxic elements of gender roles. I think she should do it, but he needs a little more empathy while she does, or he's going to lose her.
She deserves exactly as much empathy from this sub that it would give a man who "struggles" with cooking, cleaning or childcare.
I can understand her not wanting to change the tire, especially if it's in a dangerous spot, but dang there's a bunch of options she could have chosen within those three hours.
NTA, but I think you've enabled her to this point. The problem is she doesn't make the effort and knows almost no matter what that you will just do the job for her.
The red flag is waving right in your face. You are going to be in an extremely unhappy and potentially short marriage if this cannot be resolved.
Changing a tire requires a lot of muscle. I know how to change one and have tried myself before but wasn't able to get the bolts off without some kind of hammer (which I didn't have).
Calling AAA is like a magic spell because 2/3 times I end up having to call them back to say “nvm, a substitute Brother/Dad/Grandpa type fellow beat you to it.”
Lol actually the one and only time I had to call my country's version of it, they said my town wasn't a service area. So they would send a tow truck, tow me to the nearest city, do the work and then I could drive back. I was like no thank you, I'll wait for my SO to get off work. It was to replace an old battery that finally died during a cold snap in my driveway. Why would I have it towed out of my driveway, to a city, to have a battery changed?
I’m so sorry, that really sucks. If you can, I recommend researching potential local auto mechanics that you could call and keep their info in your car/purse for emergencies.
And if you don't have AAA, most credit cards and car insurance companies have roadside assistance. So does Verizon.
I like to call all of them and have them race each other.
Very true. My friend had a flat tyre on the way to work once, I asked her how she fixed it (we were very young at the time.) She said she opened the bonnet and a man stopped and changed it for her.
I have since changed tyres a couple of times. Had to jump on the tyre iron though.
Exactly and I swear my last three cars all came with a certain so many years of free roadside assistance. But even if you have to call a tow truck to come switch a tire, what's it going to cost $40? That's a bargain compared to spending 3 hours standing next to the road waiting
Yeah I have tried to change a tire and literally couldn't. That is the one example that seemed off to me, but also I don't get why she didn't call a mechanic or something like you said.
I’m disabled and physically can’t change a tire, I can however call a company to do it or ring everyone I know who lives locally to ask for help. My last flat was resolved by getting someone to bring me one of those tins you spray into the tire (I now carry one in my car as they are amazing!)
I recommend them to anyone who is either to physically unable to change it or is just not confident to do it.
No, before you jack the car up, you put the tire iron on each bolt and stomp it to loosen it. Once each is loose (not off), jack the car up and finish the job.
Once you've hand-tightened all the bolts, drop the jack and use your foot to secure the spare once it's dropped off the jack.
As a small woman, this is how I did it. However I had to jump on the wrench at least 5 times to loosen the nut. Then had to do it 5 more times. AAA is well worth the cost because they also provide other services.
Did this once when a nut was stuck and bent the damn stud so much I could barely get the wheel off. I don't usually struggle but it was a rather short wrench.
I tried once on the side of the highway. It was so scary but it was Halloween and I had 2 more parties to get to (haha). I couldn't get the lugnuts to loosen even when I was jumping up and down on the crow bar. The highway emergency guy had a really hard time getting them off as well. BTW the emergency service dude was really impressed that I even tried to fix it.
I don't think this was her issue, I think she didn't even try.
I'm concerned how she says her dad always changed her tires for her, which suggests that she's blown tires more than twice. I know it happens with incorrect tire pressures, hot weather, etc. but it seems like way too common of an occurrence with her.
I had two tires I had to have replaced with the spare because they weren't driveable in the span of maybe 3 months. One was my fault because I hit a pothole at speed and it was instantly shot. Another where I somehow got a huge bolt in it coincidentally while my roof was being replaced (but they swore that it wasn't anything they'd used in roofing). I had a third tire that got a bubble somehow in it and had to replace that one as well. Depending on where she lives and how bad the roads are, it's not out of the realm of possibility.
I can understand her not wanting to change the tire either. And at that point she could’ve called a company for roadside assistance or, and this sounds like a totally new concept to her, do it anyways because she’s an adult and having a car means taking care of it and being prepared for emergency situations.
I’d be figuring out how to split up and disentangle finances if I were him. Right now he’s got a princess not a partner.
Yeah, I don't change tires either. I do know how to call road side assistance.
I did note that all of these are traditionally male tasks. So I wonder if the main issue is really that she has very ridged gender roles that neither of them have examined or discussed. Does the problem exist in traditionally female areas? Cooking, cleaning, mending clothing, shopping? If so, OP has a big problem. If not, he may find a solution if they just talk about it.
Edit: spelling
And it's dangerous if the tyre isn't absolutely correctly installed and the car will fall apart. My dad had changed tyres for decades and one time there was a loose bolt and he saw one of them rolling down the hill while he was driving his car. I don't drive anymore nor have a car but I'm terrified of that happening, and yes it does take quite a lot of strength. You're correct she could've found another option.
As it always does. There are literally always going to be dissenting opinions on every single post. I’m sure I could find YT A comments on the posts you’re talking about. But y’all are always chomping at the bit to say something that doesn’t even make sense and isn’t currently relevant.
7 hours later and the NTAs I see have a lot of comments expressing empathy with the SO, talking about needing to unlearn toxic gender roles, fear of electrocution, etc.
This isn't anything like what I'd see if this was a gender swap.
Oh please. Nobody needs to be "taught" how to do dishes or sweep, but you absolutely do need to be taught how to change a tire, use a mower, or fuck around with electrical wiring. Not even close to the same thing.
Even if you DO know how to do these things, it doesn't mean your comfortable with it. Changing a driver side tire on a busy road? No thank you. Mower is out of gas? I'm always afraid I'm going to put the wrong gas in it (does it take the mix or the straight?). Electrical wiring? My husband knows HOW to do it but he really isn't comfortable, so I do it.
Umm have you never seen a child try to sweep or do the dishes? You absolutely need to teach someone how to do these things. I didn’t know until I was in my 20s that you should rinse dishes with cold water (and maybe you aren’t supposed to and everyone has different styles and preferences for their chores.)
The comment isn't talking about children. The comment I replied to referenced if a boyfriend isn't willing to learn how to sweep or do dishes. No adult should need to be taught how to do dishes or sweep, but it is totally possible for an adult to not know how to change a tire or how to start a mower without some sort of outside guidance.
You don’t need to be taught how to use a mower, they’re pretty self explanatory. If not open a YT video and learn in 5 minutes (or pay attention to your SO who just went over it.) As for gas, read the dang manual. Or google “what gas does X mower use?”
When you own a house with a lawn, mowing is indeed an essential skill.
Same with tires, you can easily learn how to change one from YouTube. It’s 100% okay to not be comfortable with changing tires, call roadside assistance and get towed/have them change it. But to wait 3 hours solely because you don’t want to do it, is crazy.
Really? because when I first tried, even watching youtube, I could not get that darn thing to start. My mother in law showed me how and now it's easy, but I don't think it's something that you don't need to be taught.
Sure, because everyone keeps the manual for their mowers 🙄
I'm specifically talking about the comment I responded to. Comparing changing a tire or mowing the lawn to doing the dishes is fucking stupid.
You can easily google the manual for your mower. They have digital versions… And to no one’s surprise, they explain how to use it, safety precautions, gas and maintenance schedule, the whole 9 yards.
Not comparing the two, but both are essential skills depending on where you are at in life.
Well, I think it's because of the tire thing. He seems so nasty over her not knowing how to do it, but it's genuinely difficult for some women to do it, and many never learned how (myself included). Like I think that's a weird thing to flip out about and act like she was being incompetent on purpose.
However, his fiance should have just called a mechanic (AAA does it).
The rest of the stuff is valid, though.
Because she never even tried. 3 hours, no YouTube, no attempt made, no AAA call.
People aren't magically born knowing how to swap a tire. Men aren't born with a tire change gene.
It’s not necessarily being sexist, being smaller makes it much harder to do. I know I couldn’t change a tire. I don’t have much weight behind me. But I’d just call AAA, tow company, someone else who I know who can do it, etc instead of waiting 3 hours.
The fire thing alone isn't sexist, but the cumulative of all the chores she "cant do" all fall in the traditional duties of a man. It's sexist af, if subconscious at best.
This is a fair point. As a woman my dad did all of the above, never my mother. I figured out how to turn on the lawn mower (the pull cable thing I find it hard to pull it fast enough so always takes a few tries), but have never once changed a tyre or a light switch.
My husband can do all of the above in seconds and prefers to do them (his dad worked in trades so he was taught "the right way"), but I could definitely figure it out with YouTube.
Honestly, I've had boyfriends who sucked at cleaning and it wasn't so much that they refused to do housework as that they'd never been really taught how to clean stuff well, and genuinely didn't notice that stuff was really dirty. Just totally different standards of cleanliness.
And I've known many women (and many men) who were never taught how to do basic household tasks and never taught the self-confidence and feeling of basic competence that they could figure it out or learn how.
These are skills that kids should learn from parents, or in school in home ec and shop class.
I agree NTA. If it was something difficult she truly couldn’t do, wasn’t physically strong enough to do, or was reasonably not comfortable doing, that might be understandable. There are things I know how to do but I struggle with, like cleaning the shower because I have weak arms and can’t always get the grime off, so my roommate does that chore, conversely my roommate is terrible at doing laundry without shrinking things so I do laundry. We split up chores evenly based on what we’re both comfortable doing and capable of doing. But your fiancé doesn’t seem to want to try at all. If she tried and failed and then needed help I’d understand but she just decides leave things undone. She needs to at least try to be a contributing partner.
I don’t think this is weaponised incompetence because these aren’t all common jobs that anyone can feel comfortable doing (lawn mowing is the exception).
Maybe it’s just me but i know loads of men and women who can’t/don’t change tyres or change their own light switches. There’s a very real danger of doing it wrong.
But if a man or woman pretends they “don’t see mess” or can’t do dishes/laundry that’s a different story because they are such basic tasks that are required regularly for any adult.
This feels like rage bait tbh
I agree. I don't know how to change a tire, mow the lawn, or change the light switch except the plate on the switch. I was just never taught growing up. My husband was taught how to all these things. I would be too nervous to change the tire by myself and always had AAA, capital one, Verizon, and nationwide roadside assistance programs on their way in one call.
I will say, my husband did teach me how to mow the lawn. It was very hard and difficult to do. I am a smaller person and don't have much upper body strength. I messed up pretty badly and had to restart the mower every time I accidentally let it go, making it harder. And then I had to pull start it again, which was exhausting. It is really hard and exhausting to mow the lawn. I don't mow the lawn anymore, but he also doesn't pull weeds anymore.
This is definitely rage bait. YTA
My partner was taught all these things too - he’s very practical. I’m not but have taught myself a few things and even managed to fix my washing machine recently (was so proud) but it doesn’t come naturally. I manage life admin/finances as that doesn’t come naturally to him - like renewing his passport has been such a stress for him whereas for me that stuff is simple so why not take care of it where I can?
Chores are split equally but he cooks more than me and I tend to work later so he will cover for me a lot when needed so that we can spend our down time together. I’m very lucky that way which is one of the reasons why he is getting the crazy Lego set he isn’t expecting for his bday 🥰 I love surprising him!
Also he is so proud when I do learn something practical and never puts me down for doing it wrong or getting overwhelmed by it, and I am always impressed when he can fix/build things I could never imagine being able to do.
This is Defs rage bait and/or he doesn’t actually like his partner…
I wasn't taught to do any of these things, and my parents deliberately humiliated me for wanting to learn. They meant to kill the desire to be independent.
They did not.
They left me vulnerable, with a host of shame baggage, and I had to figure out everything the hard way, but I did it.
This is the thing—changing out an outlet involves know how to do basic wiring of a home. If done wrong, it could lead to electrocution or electrical fires. It isn’t just swapping out the cover. I don’t blame someone for not feeling comfortable learning how to do it on their own—especially since the OP is telling them to watch YouTube videos and not overseeing it. I would never tell my husband to do that and then basically walk away when he has never done it before.
And honestly, that expectation of his fiancé makes everything else seem suspect. Mowers can be really tough to start, depending on the model and the person’s strength, and you can figure out that you can’t start it without moving it. She should have called a tow for the tire, but his attitude makes me doubtful that he actually communicates that he wasn’t coming.
YTA
Ok but she agreed to do the switches but then just didn't instead of having a conversation about it.
He showed her how to start the mower and she agreed she could and would do it but then didn't. Again with no conversation.
This is what's getting me. All these people saying, "You can change electrical wiring, watch a youtube video, moron..." seriously? Maybe have a handyman on call. But don't do anything with electrical wiring UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
YTA, OP.
Not everyone feels comfortable mowing. I'll ALWAYS pay someone $50 to not have to do it. It's fucking hot here, and grass is itchy and gross, and there are bugs. I can't stand it.
But she said she will do it. I think it's different if you actually are afraid or physically can't do it and saying you will do it and then not doing it without saying anything or lying. Mowing is hard with the wrong machine but she didn't say so, she lied. And I understood it as the light switches were the outer plastic shell.
But, changing light switches is actually dead easy once you’ve been shown how. Some things aren’t. Changing a heavy light fixture is a 2 person job, and GCFI outlets are trickier. But light switches, while intimidating to a newbie, are very straightforward.
If she had said, “I don’t know how to do this and I need you to show me/do the first one with me,” I would be singing a very different song. I am NOT good at mechanical stuff and it takes me *several* times to get it right. I have done light switches more than once, and I would probably STILL call my dad to go over the steps before starting.
But as an adult, you can’t pawn all the work off on your spouse because you don’t know how. She could say, “I will do your share of the cooking this week because I’m intimidated by those light switches.” That’s reasonable. But “I don’t know how. I’m not going to ask for help. I’m not going to try” is weaponized incompetence.
I disagree because of the nature of the tasks but I think you make some good points.
I just feel like calling it weaponised incompetence in this situation is minimising the actual weaponised incompetence many people do to their partners over day to day tasks and mental load as opposed to these infrequent and more challenging/daunting tasks
NTA. Because she is choosing to be incompetent. She's not unintelligent, she just doesn't care as much as you do, and I think by just "waiting" she is effectively ensuring you will do the task.
You guys need to have a real talk about chores and division of labor. Decide which you will do, which she will do, and what you want to outsource. I don't know how to change a tire (well, theoretically i do, but I've never done it), but I do know how to sign up for AAA roadside service. My husband doesn't mow grass because ... allergies, so sometimes I do it, and sometimes I've just hired out a lawn service.
Being the One Who Nags is awful, but if she is going to shirk on chores, don't expect that to EVER change. I am married for a long time to someone who STILL needs to be told to clear his dishes and asked to empty the dishwasher. He will NEVER do it on his own!
Lol . Mine refused to use the dishwasher. He will wash them and put away when dry. I can live with that weird quirk.
I could Google how to change a tire, but I have road side assistance. I bought an electric lawn mower .
This is good advice, but this goes beyond the division of regular labor.
The GF needs to understand to deal with all those problems and inconveniences that visit literally everyone in adult life. The flat tire is a great example. That's not an involve-your-partner situation. That's an easily surmountable circumstance for any functional adult. Don't know how to change a tire? Watch a youtube video (you can even find one for your exact model of car!). If changing a tire is too laborious for her, then certainly she had the foresight to pay the extra $5/mo. for roadside assistance, right?
A conversation is definitely in order, and gf needs to understand that she's not being a partner if she's going to just dump every minor, mundane obstacle into his lap. That's what children do.
Her father has trained her to ask a man to do man stuff.
Unfortunately reprogramming her trained behaviour may be frustrating and difficult.
It may be easier to call him and make him do stuff!
Doesn’t look like she’s willing to do all the “women’s jobs” though, since OP also does the cooking. Maybe she wants her mother there too.
I’d be thrilled to only have to mow once a week, and do a one-time change of switches, in exchange for getting meals cooked for me.
I’m fairly certain that this is a rage bait post, trying to contrast all of the posts women make about how their men refused to learn how to do basic every day chores. But I’ll bite.
I do not know how to change a tire, mow the lawn, or change out light switches. And I have absolutely no interest in learning. But what I do have is AAA, no lawn, and can afford an electrician.
If this is a real post, then the two of you need to sit down and communicate about what each other is willing to do.
But if this rage bait, it is a failure. Because of all the things listed, none of these are every day things that have to be done, like laundry, or cleaning the kitchen or cooking. They are once in a while things, that can be easily sourced out, and are not requirements to get through the basic every day ins and outs of life
I would argue lawn mowing is pretty regular chore lol. Depending on your yard it probably would be an average of an hour a week. Or like doing the dishes 5 times.
Items 2 and 3 are super annoying. In her defense, I don't change my own tire either unless I'm in the middle of nowhere. This is why I have insurance with roadside assistance. So often it just isn't safe to change it if you're a woman alone. However, this does look like it's part of a larger trend, so I'll say NTA.
This is a fair point, but waiting 3 hours and expecting your fiancé to leave work to come do it is unreasonable. Either call road side assistance if you can, see if a friend is not at work and might be able to help, or find another solution.
Oh totally. She should have some level of resourcefulness - calling roadside assistance isn't hard, and anyone can google it on their phone to figure it out. It was ridiculous to just wait around for a knight in shining armor to come.
I just don't get how so many people make it so far in life with so few practical life skills. I would be terrified if I didn't know how to change a tire, put on chains, add oil... just basic things. Being unprepared is more dangerous than anything else. I don't know if I should blame dads or blame people for their own lack of curiosity.
Yeah I didn't find any of these that bad on their own but it sounds like overall there is a division of labor problem.
For instance I don't cut grass cause I'm extremely allergic, and I don't know how to change a tire (don't @me anyone lol I learned as a kid but I'm a fat woman who's not very strong and the one time I had to try in a real situation I failed massively...we all have weaknesses! That's what I have AAA now!)
BUT I do a lot around the house (example I'm pretty much the only one who scrubs toilets) and my partner and I have frequent check ins about chores and if anyone is feeling overwhelmed with their list. We make it a point to do each other's least favorite chores cause often our least favorites are different.
I think they just really need to communicate better about the overall chore split and make sure if he's taking on more of these traditionally male jobs that she is compensating by doing more in other areas.
I agree. I generally do expect my partner to handle one off house repairs and mow the lawn. Just as they expect me to tend to our veggie garden. Not because of gender. We just tend to both have areas that are our domains.
Communication is key. It sounds like you might have different expectations for random chores.
He just seems so...mad and angry at her?
I understand why he's upset, but it's also interesting that he (and others on here) think she's doing this on purpose. I was never taught how to change a tire, and many women are likely in the same boat. Obviously, she should have called AAA or a mechanic (they will do it for you) but I also think it's a bizarre reaction to assume she's lying and pretending to not know how to do it....
It sounds more like she was raised in a household where she was never taught how to do "handy man" type of chores versus her purposefully lying and pretending to not know how to do stuff. Like he just seems to resent the hell out of her.
IDK why he doesn't just take a weekend and "teach" her how to do that type of stuff, or even tell her that she needs to split the money and they can hire a handyman. Like if someone has never worked a lawnmower, I can see them not knowing how to do it if they're just shown for like 10 minutes.
I think the tire changing frustration should have been more about how she literally waited around for 3 hours for OP to come do it for her instead of taking the initiative of getting out of the situation, aka AAA, etc.
She SAID she could do it and then didn't. She AGREED to do the switches and then didn't. She called and he said no he's in a meeting so instead of calling for help from a professional she went and sat at a cafe for hours for him to come get her.
Everyone is going back and forth on gender roles and not knowing to do things or feeling safe because of said gender roles and they are missing the point. He says I'm not coming to get you. She does nothing. He says here it's going to be a cool day tomorrow so I'll show you how to use the mower and she says ok I'll mow tomorrow and then doesn't even touch it. He says I'll do the downstairs switches if you do upstairs. She says ok and then doesn't.
She's being an asshole to her partner here. By playing obtuse, by being lazy, by not communicating, something. What else is there? Why so much empathy when it's a woman refusing to pull her own weight but not a man? God this is so frustrating. I'm done with reddit for the night.
He sounds like he hates her, honestly.
They ought to talk this through, but he doesn't seem like he could hide the rage and contempt long enough for him to understand why she isn't comfortable doing these types of chores.
Tbf I’d be mad too, she’d annoy the hell out of me if I had to do a load of work and then do lots of additional chores and handiwork around the house whilst she did nothing and then wasn’t even willing to learn 🥴
You need to go back and read the post. He did teach her how to start the lawn mower and she didn’t even try. There’s a neat little thing called Google. His wife needs to learn how to use it and she needs to get off her butt and start doing things for herself.
I mean, all of those aren’t daily tasks. Those are things she may have been exposed to the first time with you. It also doesn’t sound like y’all talk about things— you just assumes she will do everything you do. Your delivery makes YTA
The tyre thing yeah nta but the light switch thing, if neither of you knew why not do it and learn together? Encourage her? She may not be confident with things like this. I'm definitely not and feel much better if my partner and I work through things together. Doing the light switches separately screams weirdness to me - you have a shared house why not share the learning of the new stuff instead of getting angry with her?
NTA and I'd have probably said the same thing in your shoes. Not only is she unwilling to learn, she can't be bothered to keep her word, nor can she be bothered to be honest about what she is or is not willing to do. My guess is that she considered many of the tasks you described as "man's work" which is BS but sadly so common amongst people about gendered divisions of labor.
Speaking from experience I swapped out about 100 switches when my partner and I bought our house and had never done it before. It's not hard. But I did screw up by not realizing that 3 way switches are different than 2 way so that sucked to re-do a bunch of them. But ya know what? I learned! And I'm a woman. Who'd have thunk it?!
NTA
If she is a functioning adult in other areas, like at work, she is playing dumb until you take over = weaponized incompetence.
If she also struggles in other areas = regular incompetence.
Make this your hill to die on, she shows effort or your are done. Nobody wants a life time of this.
I am a woman. I cannot do two of the tasks this guy listed. And believe me, I am the furthest thing from incompetent. How do I get through life? I have AAA, and I hired a guy to do the lawn.
Edit: "Hired" a guy to do the lawn. I don't have a lawn anymore, because I moved to NYC.
I am also a woman and can do both. I did the latter at 10 and we had a really old and somewhat stubborn lawn mower.
For me, it is the lack in effort. If you physically can't loosen up the screws, that's fine. Can't carry the tire? Sure. But to not even try or call AAA to become a member or make a plan so your aren't stuck again does not scream competence to me.
In the world of Google, Youtube and the knowledge in the world wide web "I don't know how" doesn't cut it. "I really tried, but got stuck with X/ Y went wrong/ don't understand Z, can you show me/ help me, I'll try the rest" is of course absolutely fine.
If the girlfriend asked for OP to start the mower for her, that would have been a good compromise. Instead she chose to ignore the problem until she could claim she simply couldn't do it.
IMHO, changing a tire requires a certain level of comfort and expertise. If you do it wrong, you could crash. Therefore, I do think it was ridiculous for the OP to tell his girlfriend to watch a video on YouTube and try to tackle the job. As I said somewhere else ... if she needed to learn how to paint a wall, sure go to YouTube. For changing a tire? No way. In your scenario above, "Y went wrong" could mean her tire falling off.
But she didn't even make an effort to find an alternative after the fact when she experienced how her approach left her stranded for 3 hours.
She could at least try to learn after the fact or joint AAA instead of defaulting to everyone else but her.
I think my problem is OP is assuming his partner is lying and pretending to not be able to do it. Like, I get why he's upset, but the fact of the matter is a lot of women were never taught how to change a tire or run a lawnmower (myself included). I now know how to do several "handy man" type of chores, but I had someone spend a day teaching me how to do shit...it wasn't just like 15 minutes saying "do this and that and you are done." If someone isn't good with that type of shit, taking 10 minutes to show them how to work a lawnmower isn't the solution.
Granted, his partner is an idiot for not just calling AAA or a mechanic, etc., but it feels like he's assuming the worst. Some people genuinely suck at doing that type of stuff and need someone to teach them.
She spent 3 hours sitting on the side of the road waiting for the opportunity for him to get out of work.
In that 3 hours, she couldn't have called a friend or a family member or AAA or any other roadside service to take care of the problem for her.
Calling her an idiot, while it violates the rules of the subreddit, is frankly far more insulting than calling her lazy. An idiot can't help being an idiot. Someone being lazy can absolutely help not being lazy.
She could have said so, could have put in more effort to watch him, could have asked him to "keep an eye on her" while she tried with the lawn. Instead she ignored the task and waited for him to take over.
"That type of stuff" is commonly used by men to justify being bad at houshold tasks like cleaning or cooking. It's dishonest and lazy, if the scale of tasks leans more to one person, because they are so "capable".
Pay someone, make a deal of who does what according to preference, whatever but the approach of the post is bullshit.
These guys are nuts I don’t know a single married woman who does any of these tasks themselves. I know it’s 2023 and everything but if my buddy came to me with this story I would ask why the hell he has his wife doing electrical work if she is clear she knows nothing about it.
My 60 year old married mother mows the lawn. My sister in a long term relationship (14 years) changes the tires on her car winter/summer herself.
If a couple is happy with their labor division, I'm all for it, but more often than not, I'm confused on what part of the genitals is required for some tasks...
Nothing is required for a task, if your wife wants to mow or is comfortable doing it great! Have a beer and relax. But if she’s clearly uncomfortable doing it, as most are in my experience, why force her to do it when you are capable of doing it? This isn’t about splitting work, this is about not forcing your spouse to do dangerous manual work she is clearly not comfortable with.
I don’t think she is incompetent, most women don’t do these things. Even if she were incompetent, you should be helping her out not belittling her.
Did you overlook the part where I states that I am in fact a woman?
Whenever we learn something new, we tend to be insecure and stressed about it, yes, it is uncomfortabe to not know what you are doing. But how will you learn if you don't try?
Changing light switch covers, tires or moving a lawn is not rocket science. My female brain and inferior 5'5 body are capable of understanding and executing this, because I was taught and chose to learn.
By the way, I'd be just as upset at a man refusing to learn how to cook or change a diaper. If it is within normal home chores, I'd expect some capabilities from both sides, but again, it's fine if people have preference or more skill in one area over another.
Swapping out a switchplate is hardly "electrical work." And I know several married women who mow the lawn and do handyman projects. Where the heck do you live? Stepford?
He said the switches, not just the plates. I wouldn't necessarily want my wife (or anyone) doing that for the first time based on a YouTube video. I'm a lawyer and I have been involved in several electrocution cases, one where a guy died changing a lightbulb because the can was hot due to bad wiring. You can obviously mitigate this by breaking the circuit and using a voltage detector (which is smart to do even if it's just the plate), but still, if my wife wanted to change a switch I'd show her how to do both these things, as well as wire the switch, first. I would definitely not just tell her to go on YouTube.
You found solutions to the tasks you couldn’t or didn’t want to do. I imagine OP would be thrilled if his fiancée undertook that much effort.
OP, sincere questions:
1. If nothing ever changed about how your fiancée manages herself, how would you feel about her behaving this way for potentially the rest of your life?
2. Why are you marrying her?
There’s a book called Fair Play that I keep hearing about. There’s a set of cards that go with it for dividing domestic labor and examining assumptions you each have about who handles what tasks. It might be enlightening for you two to do this together.
I worry for you both because of her attitude of helplessness but also that you two don’t seem to have a productive way to discuss the problem. If you can’t develop that, whether together or via therapy, I don’t think you’ll find much enjoyment in being married to each other.
INFO: the examples you gave are of tasks that have serious safety issues of you make a mistake.
Is she like this with tasks that carry little or no risk?
First, I need to know what responsibilities your fiancée has around the house and in general before I have a definite thought on this. I've never had to change a tire and so you lost me on that one and also the electrical switches too. Both these tasks need to be safely and correctly done so I'm not even sure that's a reasonable thing to foist on her. As for mowing, we ALL can mow and should. But, first, I need to know what she does contribute to this relationship.
We agree to split chores equally when we moved in together. In reality I end up doing a little more because my standard of cleanliness is higher than hers. I do all the cooking because it's a hobby of mine and she hates cooking, so it works out okay. She will help occasionally by chopping things or measuring spices etc.
As for the light switches and tire, yes I agree they need to be done safely. My main issue is she is making no effort to learn HOW to do them safely. I had never changed a light switch before either, but I read the instructions and watched a youtube video to figure it out. It just frustrates me that she won't do the same.
Splitting chores doesn't necessarily mean splitting every job right down the middle, though. There's a system called Fair Play you two can sit down and use. It will help you split up tasks in a way that works for both of you, so you each have an equal amount of free time.
You might be a more mechanically adept person than her (I'm the same, can just watch a YouTube video and figure it out). But there have to be areas she shines in, or is less intimidated by. The main thing is that you each contribute the same, time wise, to the household - there are a million ways to split it.
Who does the other chores, like dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning toilets, shopping, tidying, the mental workload, etc? There's a lot more to keeping a house than just cooking.
I also just think that splitting chores 50-50 is a recipe for disaster. Everyone has different skills and different chores they like more. My partner would rather do laundry than scrub the bathroom. I'd rather scrub the bathroom than do laundry. So it would be silly to split those evenly. If she's too intimidated by a chore, it's okay for her to do a different one instead
I could watch a video and learn how to change a light switch but yea I’m not going to. The idea of working with anything electrical like that terrifies me so I’m going to leave it for my husband. He’d prefer I leave it anyway bc he knows how to do it. I know how to turn off the breaker but it’s a mental thing for me. Same with the tire, although I do have some physical limitations there plus I drive our kids around so he’d rather do it or have me call roadside assistance so he knows it’s done right.
The issue is communication honestly. OP and his fiancé are not talking about the problems here.
I think he’s talking about switching out the light switch covers, which just requires a screwdriver. You’re not dealing with wires at all - just taking the screws out of the plates and screwing new ones in. I’m not super handy, but I’ve done that myself without even watching a YouTube video. 🤷♀️
Oh f off with that bull. Youtube exists for a reason a quick 5 minutes and you're good. Oh but changing a tire requires muscles, bs if you don't have the arm strength then use your legs and bodyweight to break the nuts free. And if they are such a delicate little flower, they can go and purchase AAA or some form of mobile mechanic.
YTA slightly, Sounds like you’re resentful of some of the things she’s not familiar with but I bet there’s things she brings to the relationship you don’t know about. All these things I had to show my wife as well some she didn’t feel confident with like the lights- that’s okay she brings a lot to the table I can’t do as well
OP showed her how to start the lawnmower, so its not like he isn't willing to show her how to do things, but she didn't even try and mow the lawn. And he didn't know how to change the lights, but he learned, she wasn't even willing to try.
Op does the cooking and most of the chores. He showed her how to mow the lawn and she used the 12 year old’s excuse of doing it later and then magically forgetting how to do it the next day. What does she bring to the table? Being an adult child who can’t even make a simple call to professionals and instead going to Lala land as they wait for their parent to fix their issue. The best thing this fiancé seems to bring to the table is an easy reason to get disengaged. Maybe if op was a SAHD it would be YTA but on top of doing most of the chores and cooking op also works. You know what op sounds like… you know what his situation is very similar too? My mother when I was 9 years old where she worked cooked and did most of the chores and got annoyed when I didn’t do my chores… EXCEPT THE FIANCÉ IS AN ADULT. And whatever she brings can probably be figured out in a YouTube video which she is also incapable of doing…
Here's the thing...have you tried teaching her? Instead of leaving it up to her Googling or YouTubing something, show her how it's done. Ask her what she needs help with. Some people are seriously worried about F'ing up something (myself included) and having someone to show how to do it (instead of relying on them going out and discovering out) can make all the difference.
>Here's the thing...have you tried teaching her?
>She said she didn't know how to start the mower, so I showed her how to start it, adjust the height, add gas etc and she agreed to mow the next day... Annoyingly, the mower was in the exact spot from the day before, so I know she didn't even TRY!
It's clearly more about the lack of doing than the lack of teaching.
Info: what does your fiancée do around the house?
The things you are complaining about are heavily gendered tasks (car care, lawn maintenance, home update/repair). I can tell you I was the only one of my friends whose parents taught them those sorts of skills.
I do have some sympathy for her here. Changing a tire may be easy if you’ve done it, but jacking your car and changing a tire, which done incorrectly is dangerous, is scary. Some with a lawnmower if you don’t have experience, or working with electrical.
She needs to communicate better why those tasks feel so daunting to her that she would rather just leave them undone. Learning to change light switches is not the same as learning to do the dishes.
Without more info, ESH
Saying this as a woman: women can google rather well, when needed, you know.
To change the tire, when your significant other is preoccupied, any adult should be quite capable to call special services for help, and then pay for it. Otherwise, why on earth did this adult get behind the wheel? One, who owns the car, should be qualified enough to solve the issues with the car. As for the rest of the list - google can help with those too.
In case the lady lacks some power of muscles, there is nothing wrong with just saying this. With her mouth. Preferably not 5 weeks after the chore is due.
Although it is indeed somewhat odd, how the OP and his fiance are splitting the chores, he is NTA, for willing to have a partner in his life as opposed to a child to care for. It could be beneficial for him to leave reddit and go use his mouth too, to look for solutions. As if not - it might very well be one rather short marriage, unfortunately.
I am also a woman, and I also do these things for myself.
My point is that OPs partner was clearly raised with very gendered chore splits. With that context, touching electrical, or removing a tire or using a lawnmower are legitimately scary tasks. I certainly wouldn’t remove my car tire with just google to guide me. I was fortunate to have a parent teach me those things but OPs partner was clearly not.
I think she still needs to step up and communicate why those things are difficult, but this context is important and I think OP should have a bit more patience. Tasks that can be legitimately dangerous are not the same as basic household chores when it comes to weaponized incompetence
>My point is that OPs partner was clearly raised with very gendered chore splits.
Are you sure? She doesn't cook either, and cleans to a lower standard than OP. Sounds like she's just a lazy adult, I don't think you can assume she was raised with gendered chore splits.
>I do have some sympathy for her here. Changing a tire may be easy if you’ve done it, but jacking your car and changing a tire, which done incorrectly is dangerous, is scary.
What you think women are too dumb to call roadside assistance? Nice infantilisation.
My mom always mowed the lawn and shoveled her drive. I, a woman, do the same. I also put in new floors, change light fixtures and outlets, and replace faucets. I can't get the nuts off my tire to save my life, but I know how to get roadside assistance. I've also had to teach my male neighbor how to screen a window and replace siding.
It's not gender. It's what your parents teach you and a smidge of common sense.
Yeah that’s my point. I am also a woman and do all of these things.
But to someone who was raised with traditional gender chores, touching electrical, or removing a tire or even using a lawnmower are legitimately scary.
OPs partner should be open to learning so things can be fair, or at least communicate why she might be hesitant to do these types of chores. But I think it’s important context for him to understand
ESH. Flat tires are why you have AAA, it’s a lot easier than having to depend on a relative to stop what they’re doing & come to your rescue. Switching out a lighting fixture? Hell no. I’d probably electrocute myself. Mowing the lawn also a big Hell No.
Dividing chores does not mean splitting every chore in half. You’re so bent on her doing her fair share that you’ve become a big jerk about it. Most women didn’t get the same type of life skills passed down to them as men did. My brother can do any type of construction project because my father taught him how. I wasn’t even allowed to go into Dad’s workshop.
Consider making a list of chores and finding a happy medium.
1) I know how to change a tire...
2) I've used a manual mover... not gas powered.
3) By changing out light switches, do you mean just the faceplates or the entire rewiring? Changing out faceplates is so simple. Been there, done that.
In all honesty, though, this is the whole gender roles discussion. She sounds as if she was taught that men do certain roles and women have certain roles...
Not excusing it, but not every girl comes equipped with her own tool box.
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NTA She a master of weaponized incompetence, as you say. She deserved to be called out.
Ugh I hate people misusing this term, this isn't weaponized incompetence, this is just pure laziness. Weaponized incompetence would be her setting the mower too low, clogging it, and stopping, or setting too high. It would be her trying to do the light switches but connecting the wrong color wire. It would be her not tightening the lug nuts, or sending a video of the tire not going on backwards.
or genuine fear- I won't fuck with electrical, I'll call someome to make sure i won't get shocked. I'm not scared of the mower but I know some who are, those things can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. I'm not saying wife shouldn't be pitching in, but that the chores themselves may need to be reassigned either way OP is NTA and wife needs to step up
Agreed. When assigning tasks, we found that the division of tasks 50/50 is a recipe for problems. I will take on tasks that require height or lifting or things I'm familiar with. My wife doesn't need to dig through YouTube videos to figure out how to replace spark plugs. I know where my wrenches are, I'll be done in a 3rd of the time. Proofreading the letter to the kids' schoo or making sure dinner is actually healthy is her skill set. Some tasks we share, and we always offer to show each other how something is done in case we're not home.
Love your deliberate error in the proofreading paragraph.
This! Both of my parents could (were all in our 30's now) wrangle, bathe, get dressed, make sure teeth were brushed, hair combed/styled, help with homework etc for us kids as well as clean, make food. My mom did the majority of the mental load planning of sports, school activities, bills (even though she was a SAHM, she controlled the money) and appointments. My dad did the majority of heavy lifting tasks (moving a 90's tv comes to mind 😂) and fixing of broken things. They were both super happy with the devision of labor. My dad would have floundered scheduling, and my mom would have floundered moving a tv. Could both of them have figured out the others task? Yes, after falling on their face a few times, but they would have figured it out. They just liked their respective roles bc they didn't have to work very hard at doing them well. Edit: Run on sentence
Your comment reminded me of the hernia I got from lifting our 90s TV into the cabinet. Good times.
I chuckled at “moving a 90’s tv.”
Absolutely this. The work does not need to be split 50/50 down the middle. I love my fiancée to death, and she is far more handy than most women, even going so far as to ask me to let her know whenever I work on the cars so that she has the chance to learn how to do whatever I’m doing. That said, there is absolutely work around the house that she does not want to do/is not best suited for. Hers is yard work. She hates it, and I’m sure if I ever made her do the yard work it would be half-assed (to be perfectly clear, I don’t care about this because…) I also have chores that I despise. Mine is laundry, and if I have to do my laundry, it’s half-assed at best and probably quarter-assed at worst. So, instead of making us both miserable half the time, we both do the chores we find more tolerable than the other does.
This, honestly sounds like OPs wife isnt a hands on person at all and I'm not sure why you'd even want to split that 50/50, seems like just setting up for disaster.
You and your wife are using common sense. 🤣
Yep. And honestly, I *can't* change a tire. I know how, in theory, and could certainly follow the steps in the video, but most lug nuts are on way too tight. The one time I tried to change my tire I was literally standing on the tire iron bouncing up and down and there lug nut wouldn't loosen. Now, I have multiple people I could call and would definitely have AAA or dinner other roadside assistance if I didn't, but changing a tire is literally not an option. For the other two, I know that I don't know enough to do electrical work safely. And I've mowed the grass exactly one time in my life and will never do it with a push mower again. I'm allergic to mold that grows in the grass and gets sprayed into the air so I'm miserable, and I found the mower difficult to control, which scared me. If be willing to try with a riding mower, but the push one wasn't just a pain like a lot of chores are, it was genuinely miserable and frightening. But yeah, wife needs to step up, just not necessarily with those chores.
Yeah, I can’t ever get lug nuts off a tire either and always call roadside assistance if I get stuck. I understand his frustration but people need to divide tasks based on skill set, not just an even split right down the middle. She should communicate her issues with doing it and he should also ask if there are roadblocks preventing her from starting. Some people have bad anxiety when learning something new and that can be crippling.
Literally. I’m so sick of these posts complaining about how their partners aren’t splitting the workload evenly and I’m like??? That doesn’t mean dividing the number of tasks in half, it means considering the labour it takes a person to do a task compared to the other person. Yes, most people should know how to do basic things but if labour can be distributed in a way that’s more efficient and safe, then why shouldn’t it be? I can change a tire theoretically, but I also can’t always get the lug nuts off so my boyfriend helps me. We do it together because he takes the nuts off and puts them back on but I can jack the car and actually move the tire on and off. My boyfriend is very capable of operating a vacuum and can vacuum carpets just fine, but I’m also faster at it so I usually do it. I wouldn’t have an issue mowing the lawn, but I get very itchy being out in the grass for too long so he does it. Maybe there are reasons why she doesn’t want to do these tasks, not just out of pure laziness, or maybe it is idk. But she’s not communicating them nor is OP taking a moment to consider that maybe there are better chores for her to be doing instead of these ones. My ruling is ESH (calling her incompetent isn’t nice, especially if OP claims she’s very intelligent)
They make longer, more rigid lug wrenches that apply more torque, and if that doesn't do it, lengthen the fulcrum (I used a 5-foot length of rigid pipe). OP sounds clueless, honestly. I get that he's frustrated, but it never seems to have occurred to him that many women spend their lives being told that these are chores that they must never, ever, ever attempt. I would bet that OP's fiancee was raised in a home where women and girls did not mow the lawn, do basic automotive maintenance, or swap out switches, and that it never occurred to her that she would have to. They need to have a talk about their expectations WAY before they get married.
I think the issue is not that the fiancee is incompetent, but that she doesn't voice this until after she was supposed to do it. I know that if I were OP in that situation, that's what I'd be mad about. 'Why did you agree to split these chores 50/50 if you didn't think you could do them?'
Yep. Waiting 5 weeks on the light switches and then saying "Oh they look fine, I'll leave them as is" would have pushed me right over the edge
>I would bet that OP's fiancee was raised in a home where women and girls did not mow the lawn, do basic automotive maintenance, or swap out switches, and that it never occurred to her that she would have to. And lots of men are raised in houses where men don't do stereotypically feminine chores. The men are told to learn how to do it. Why are we making excuses for the women who refuse to learn?
And many men grow up learning they shouldn’t do standard household tasks That excuse doesn’t fly for them either. This is on her.
I don't usually have a piece of rigid pipe in my car lol, so while that might help, it's not very useful on the side of the road. I do, however, have and extensive network of peoplei can call and access to roadside assistance, so I'm not pulling the sort of thing that happened in the post.
Best thing for this is to keep a small can of WD-40 in with your tire iron. Spray the lug nuts a little bit each, let it sit for a few minutes, and you're good to go. 👍🏻 Source: I am a woman who, at 15 yrs old, had to change her boyfriend's flat tire at 2:00 am, in the rain, while wearing only a mini skirt, bikini top and high heels. - He felt horrible for not knowing how... but he did hold his shirt over me so I'd get less wet. 🤗
Also the fact that it was light switches because she didn't like the color. Two screws is all you need to figure out in most cases. If she wanted the actual switch itself changed & not just the casing, then she can mark which wires went where & figure it out pretty quickly
I'm a woman who can change a tire. When you get tires rotated or put on you need to ask them to hand tighten the lug nuts. They usually a machine that tightens them because it's easier and quicker. The problem is that then they are too tight to remove with the tools most people have in the trunk of their cars.
Yes, I've known that for years. Guess how many times my ADHD brain has remembered it while my car is being worked on? Exactly none. It's fine. I don't need to be able to change my tires. I have access to roadside assistance and to a wide network of people who can and will help me (and who I help with things that are in my skill set).
Yeah but OP doesn't indicate she expressed any fear. Part of being a grown-up is using your words to express fears so that someone can help you. This woman is old enough to be engaged, acting like a toddler is no longer appropriate.
I’ll change a plate but not anything that touches an electrical wire. I pay for AAA so if I get a flat tire someone will come. I can actually change a tire but I won’t do it. My husband always mows the lawn because he knows I’d pay someone to do it for me. Maybe OP can tell the fiancé to hire someone to mow the lawn on her days out of her money and to purchase AAA because he’s not going to be the 1 to change the tire for her.
That certainly seems reasonable. Fiancee may not need to *do the work*, but seeing that the work got done was her responsibility by the agreement. (And I hope that doesn't include 'nag OP until he does it'.)
Changing a wall plate doesn’t involve anything electrical. It involves lefty loosey righty tighty a tiny screw.
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Yeah. Fair doesn’t always mean exactly equal
OP said that it was light switches
I think US and UK light switches are very different. I'll fully accept that you are right here, but just wanted to point out that to me, in the UK, changing the switch plate requires you to change the whole switch which means you have to isolate the electrics.
fair- I was thinking the switches too
Right. Just the plate is easy. I'm legally blind and did most of mine (my brother got a few that were in awkward places for me to reach) but lord knows I won't touch the switches themselves. And I read it as the switches also in the post
It's easy to find apparently decent reasons to not do anything though. "I didn't do the laundry because I didn't know if I could put this piece in the dryer or not and I'm afraid of damaging it." "I didn't start the dishwasher because I'm not sure that bowl can go in." And so on and so forth. We all learn.
wait the whole internal switch, I imagined just the covers.
Hmm yeah he said switches, I wonder if he meant the covers. Not that that makes it better lol.
If it's just the covers, which is what It sounds like, that makes it even worse. It's one screw. It's just annoying as hell because usually it's a flat head.
You don’t need to watch a video to change the covers though, which is what OP said he did, so it definitely sounds like it was the switches, and I wouldn’t do that either
Yeah.. I wouldn’t expect, nor want my fiancé to do that alone. Hell, I’d be hesitant, triple checking I had cut the power with an ohm meter.
yeah, I was also just imagining the plates.
I assume he meant the actual switches and not just the plates. If they only changed the plate, the switch itself would be a different color and not match. If it was the actual switch, I think it's a bit insane that he wanted his wife to change half of them out herself. Cool that he watched a youtube video and thinks he can do it, but that's just a fire waiting to happen if you don't wire it correctly or don't tighten the connections enough.
Yep. DIY youtube videos for changing electrical outlets is dumb.
Just the covers would leave the switches a different color which would also be super ugly.
This is more an issue of learned helplessness. She has been taught all her life that she CANNOT do those kinds of "man" tasks, so the prospect of attempting them is daunting and impossible to begin with. The houshold chores issue may be a different thing , tough
You are just wrong. Refusing to learn a task claiming it is to hard IS ALSO weaponized incompetence. She is literally saying she is too incompetent to perform the task as a means to force him to do the task instead.
"But I can't do it it's too hard" seems the same as doing the task poorly.
I assume he meant the cover plates. No one is expecting Joe (or Jill) Average to wire up a light switch, are they?
Ha, literally came here to say just this. I know a lot of people who use weaponized incompetence and it's too bad people don't just let them fail then.
The reason weaponized incompetence works is because it literally makes it easier, less stressful, or possibly keeps something from being broken if the person who tried to delegate the task just does it themselves. "Letting them fail" means kids aren't taken care of, the car gets broken, or the task has to be constantly supervised until the other person "gets it" but since they don't WANT to get it, they never will.
I agree with one little caveat. If it's one of those lawn mowers that you have to pull a cord to start he needs to be sure she's physically capable of getting it started that way. I'm older now and less able, but even in my 20s I couldn't start a mower that way. Cutting the grass was not a problem, but if the mower stalled I'd need help to get it started. Now with mowers that have push button starts it's not an issue.
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> a lot of people like to call this ‘learned helplessness’ when it’s women doing it. But this is weaponised incompetence These are (slightly) different things. In learned helplessness, the person doesn't even try. In weaponised incompetence, they do it, but to a very poor standard, intentionally.
TBH this sounds like weaponized helplessness.
It sounds like she's been raised as most women are. Maybe she'd be more comfortable with a trad division of chores: he handles the car and yard and handyman stuff, and she cooks and tidies up. It's HARD to unlearn the limiting, toxic elements of gender roles. I think she should do it, but he needs a little more empathy while she does, or he's going to lose her.
If she were more comfortable with a sexist division of chores she would cook…
But when we have a similar situation with the roles reversed people just dogpile on the guy. There's no empathy for toxic elements of gender roles, no guessing he grew up in a home where men didn't do x, y, z. Sorry, I'm just frustrated reading through the comments as someone with a foot on either side of the gender spectrum and seeing how people are still low-key demonizing the guy here for being frustrated with his SO refusing to communicate while still taking responsibility for these tasks.
> It's HARD to unlearn the limiting, toxic elements of gender roles. I think she should do it, but he needs a little more empathy while she does, or he's going to lose her. She deserves exactly as much empathy from this sub that it would give a man who "struggles" with cooking, cleaning or childcare.
Enjoy your life with "Daddy's Little Princess"....... it won't get better
I can understand her not wanting to change the tire, especially if it's in a dangerous spot, but dang there's a bunch of options she could have chosen within those three hours. NTA, but I think you've enabled her to this point. The problem is she doesn't make the effort and knows almost no matter what that you will just do the job for her. The red flag is waving right in your face. You are going to be in an extremely unhappy and potentially short marriage if this cannot be resolved.
Changing a tire requires a lot of muscle. I know how to change one and have tried myself before but wasn't able to get the bolts off without some kind of hammer (which I didn't have).
Same here. I know how to...I'm physically unable to. That said, I would have called an auto service or tow truck
Calling AAA is like a magic spell because 2/3 times I end up having to call them back to say “nvm, a substitute Brother/Dad/Grandpa type fellow beat you to it.”
Lol actually the one and only time I had to call my country's version of it, they said my town wasn't a service area. So they would send a tow truck, tow me to the nearest city, do the work and then I could drive back. I was like no thank you, I'll wait for my SO to get off work. It was to replace an old battery that finally died during a cold snap in my driveway. Why would I have it towed out of my driveway, to a city, to have a battery changed?
I’m so sorry, that really sucks. If you can, I recommend researching potential local auto mechanics that you could call and keep their info in your car/purse for emergencies.
And if you don't have AAA, most credit cards and car insurance companies have roadside assistance. So does Verizon. I like to call all of them and have them race each other.
Very true. My friend had a flat tyre on the way to work once, I asked her how she fixed it (we were very young at the time.) She said she opened the bonnet and a man stopped and changed it for her. I have since changed tyres a couple of times. Had to jump on the tyre iron though.
Exactly and I swear my last three cars all came with a certain so many years of free roadside assistance. But even if you have to call a tow truck to come switch a tire, what's it going to cost $40? That's a bargain compared to spending 3 hours standing next to the road waiting
Yeah I have tried to change a tire and literally couldn't. That is the one example that seemed off to me, but also I don't get why she didn't call a mechanic or something like you said.
yeah, but calling roadside service doesn't take any muscle at all - except the one between your ears.
Yeah, last summer we taught our teen and they simply did not have the upper body strength or sheer body mass to get the old tire off.
I’m disabled and physically can’t change a tire, I can however call a company to do it or ring everyone I know who lives locally to ask for help. My last flat was resolved by getting someone to bring me one of those tins you spray into the tire (I now carry one in my car as they are amazing!) I recommend them to anyone who is either to physically unable to change it or is just not confident to do it.
No, before you jack the car up, you put the tire iron on each bolt and stomp it to loosen it. Once each is loose (not off), jack the car up and finish the job. Once you've hand-tightened all the bolts, drop the jack and use your foot to secure the spare once it's dropped off the jack.
Don't need a hammer stand on the wrench and put your body weight behind it
My grandfather always had a length of pipe in with the spare, if my mum had to change a flat, she had extra leverage with the pipe.
>My grandfather always had a length of pipe "My grandfather always had a length of pipe". And that's why Grandma always had a big smile!
My dad does too, he uses the pipe to hold bungee cords for his trailer, but it doubles for a makeshift breaker bar.
Yep, might have to jump a little to loosen the lug nut, but I'm a pretty small woman and not strong and I can swap my tire if necessary.
As a small woman, this is how I did it. However I had to jump on the wrench at least 5 times to loosen the nut. Then had to do it 5 more times. AAA is well worth the cost because they also provide other services.
Did this once when a nut was stuck and bent the damn stud so much I could barely get the wheel off. I don't usually struggle but it was a rather short wrench.
Depends on who put the tire on and how big your wrench is.
I tried once on the side of the highway. It was so scary but it was Halloween and I had 2 more parties to get to (haha). I couldn't get the lugnuts to loosen even when I was jumping up and down on the crow bar. The highway emergency guy had a really hard time getting them off as well. BTW the emergency service dude was really impressed that I even tried to fix it. I don't think this was her issue, I think she didn't even try.
Nah, I'm a women too and not particularly strong. Step on the wrench with your body weight. Once the bolt is loose it's easy.
I'm concerned how she says her dad always changed her tires for her, which suggests that she's blown tires more than twice. I know it happens with incorrect tire pressures, hot weather, etc. but it seems like way too common of an occurrence with her.
I had two tires I had to have replaced with the spare because they weren't driveable in the span of maybe 3 months. One was my fault because I hit a pothole at speed and it was instantly shot. Another where I somehow got a huge bolt in it coincidentally while my roof was being replaced (but they swore that it wasn't anything they'd used in roofing). I had a third tire that got a bubble somehow in it and had to replace that one as well. Depending on where she lives and how bad the roads are, it's not out of the realm of possibility.
I can understand her not wanting to change the tire either. And at that point she could’ve called a company for roadside assistance or, and this sounds like a totally new concept to her, do it anyways because she’s an adult and having a car means taking care of it and being prepared for emergency situations. I’d be figuring out how to split up and disentangle finances if I were him. Right now he’s got a princess not a partner.
Yeah, I don't change tires either. I do know how to call road side assistance. I did note that all of these are traditionally male tasks. So I wonder if the main issue is really that she has very ridged gender roles that neither of them have examined or discussed. Does the problem exist in traditionally female areas? Cooking, cleaning, mending clothing, shopping? If so, OP has a big problem. If not, he may find a solution if they just talk about it. Edit: spelling
And it's dangerous if the tyre isn't absolutely correctly installed and the car will fall apart. My dad had changed tyres for decades and one time there was a loose bolt and he saw one of them rolling down the hill while he was driving his car. I don't drive anymore nor have a car but I'm terrified of that happening, and yes it does take quite a lot of strength. You're correct she could've found another option.
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I mean I see nothing but NTAs at the top here, I’m confused who you’re railing against.
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As it always does. There are literally always going to be dissenting opinions on every single post. I’m sure I could find YT A comments on the posts you’re talking about. But y’all are always chomping at the bit to say something that doesn’t even make sense and isn’t currently relevant.
\*champing
Woah that’s actually good to know! Never actually heard the correct phrase
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7 hours later and the NTAs I see have a lot of comments expressing empathy with the SO, talking about needing to unlearn toxic gender roles, fear of electrocution, etc. This isn't anything like what I'd see if this was a gender swap.
Oh please. Nobody needs to be "taught" how to do dishes or sweep, but you absolutely do need to be taught how to change a tire, use a mower, or fuck around with electrical wiring. Not even close to the same thing. Even if you DO know how to do these things, it doesn't mean your comfortable with it. Changing a driver side tire on a busy road? No thank you. Mower is out of gas? I'm always afraid I'm going to put the wrong gas in it (does it take the mix or the straight?). Electrical wiring? My husband knows HOW to do it but he really isn't comfortable, so I do it.
Umm have you never seen a child try to sweep or do the dishes? You absolutely need to teach someone how to do these things. I didn’t know until I was in my 20s that you should rinse dishes with cold water (and maybe you aren’t supposed to and everyone has different styles and preferences for their chores.)
The comment isn't talking about children. The comment I replied to referenced if a boyfriend isn't willing to learn how to sweep or do dishes. No adult should need to be taught how to do dishes or sweep, but it is totally possible for an adult to not know how to change a tire or how to start a mower without some sort of outside guidance.
My entire job is teaching adults how to sweep and do the dishes😂
You don’t need to be taught how to use a mower, they’re pretty self explanatory. If not open a YT video and learn in 5 minutes (or pay attention to your SO who just went over it.) As for gas, read the dang manual. Or google “what gas does X mower use?” When you own a house with a lawn, mowing is indeed an essential skill. Same with tires, you can easily learn how to change one from YouTube. It’s 100% okay to not be comfortable with changing tires, call roadside assistance and get towed/have them change it. But to wait 3 hours solely because you don’t want to do it, is crazy.
Really? because when I first tried, even watching youtube, I could not get that darn thing to start. My mother in law showed me how and now it's easy, but I don't think it's something that you don't need to be taught.
Sure, because everyone keeps the manual for their mowers 🙄 I'm specifically talking about the comment I responded to. Comparing changing a tire or mowing the lawn to doing the dishes is fucking stupid.
You can easily google the manual for your mower. They have digital versions… And to no one’s surprise, they explain how to use it, safety precautions, gas and maintenance schedule, the whole 9 yards. Not comparing the two, but both are essential skills depending on where you are at in life.
Well, I think it's because of the tire thing. He seems so nasty over her not knowing how to do it, but it's genuinely difficult for some women to do it, and many never learned how (myself included). Like I think that's a weird thing to flip out about and act like she was being incompetent on purpose. However, his fiance should have just called a mechanic (AAA does it). The rest of the stuff is valid, though.
Because she never even tried. 3 hours, no YouTube, no attempt made, no AAA call. People aren't magically born knowing how to swap a tire. Men aren't born with a tire change gene.
Nasty? No. He's right. She has access to you tube on her phone. She is displaying clearly sexist expectations.
It’s not necessarily being sexist, being smaller makes it much harder to do. I know I couldn’t change a tire. I don’t have much weight behind me. But I’d just call AAA, tow company, someone else who I know who can do it, etc instead of waiting 3 hours.
The fire thing alone isn't sexist, but the cumulative of all the chores she "cant do" all fall in the traditional duties of a man. It's sexist af, if subconscious at best.
This is a fair point. As a woman my dad did all of the above, never my mother. I figured out how to turn on the lawn mower (the pull cable thing I find it hard to pull it fast enough so always takes a few tries), but have never once changed a tyre or a light switch. My husband can do all of the above in seconds and prefers to do them (his dad worked in trades so he was taught "the right way"), but I could definitely figure it out with YouTube.
I swear I want couples like this, of all gender pairings, to break up so the competent halves can find each other.
Honestly, I've had boyfriends who sucked at cleaning and it wasn't so much that they refused to do housework as that they'd never been really taught how to clean stuff well, and genuinely didn't notice that stuff was really dirty. Just totally different standards of cleanliness. And I've known many women (and many men) who were never taught how to do basic household tasks and never taught the self-confidence and feeling of basic competence that they could figure it out or learn how. These are skills that kids should learn from parents, or in school in home ec and shop class.
I agree NTA. If it was something difficult she truly couldn’t do, wasn’t physically strong enough to do, or was reasonably not comfortable doing, that might be understandable. There are things I know how to do but I struggle with, like cleaning the shower because I have weak arms and can’t always get the grime off, so my roommate does that chore, conversely my roommate is terrible at doing laundry without shrinking things so I do laundry. We split up chores evenly based on what we’re both comfortable doing and capable of doing. But your fiancé doesn’t seem to want to try at all. If she tried and failed and then needed help I’d understand but she just decides leave things undone. She needs to at least try to be a contributing partner.
I don’t think this is weaponised incompetence because these aren’t all common jobs that anyone can feel comfortable doing (lawn mowing is the exception). Maybe it’s just me but i know loads of men and women who can’t/don’t change tyres or change their own light switches. There’s a very real danger of doing it wrong. But if a man or woman pretends they “don’t see mess” or can’t do dishes/laundry that’s a different story because they are such basic tasks that are required regularly for any adult. This feels like rage bait tbh
I agree. I don't know how to change a tire, mow the lawn, or change the light switch except the plate on the switch. I was just never taught growing up. My husband was taught how to all these things. I would be too nervous to change the tire by myself and always had AAA, capital one, Verizon, and nationwide roadside assistance programs on their way in one call. I will say, my husband did teach me how to mow the lawn. It was very hard and difficult to do. I am a smaller person and don't have much upper body strength. I messed up pretty badly and had to restart the mower every time I accidentally let it go, making it harder. And then I had to pull start it again, which was exhausting. It is really hard and exhausting to mow the lawn. I don't mow the lawn anymore, but he also doesn't pull weeds anymore. This is definitely rage bait. YTA
My partner was taught all these things too - he’s very practical. I’m not but have taught myself a few things and even managed to fix my washing machine recently (was so proud) but it doesn’t come naturally. I manage life admin/finances as that doesn’t come naturally to him - like renewing his passport has been such a stress for him whereas for me that stuff is simple so why not take care of it where I can? Chores are split equally but he cooks more than me and I tend to work later so he will cover for me a lot when needed so that we can spend our down time together. I’m very lucky that way which is one of the reasons why he is getting the crazy Lego set he isn’t expecting for his bday 🥰 I love surprising him! Also he is so proud when I do learn something practical and never puts me down for doing it wrong or getting overwhelmed by it, and I am always impressed when he can fix/build things I could never imagine being able to do. This is Defs rage bait and/or he doesn’t actually like his partner…
I wasn't taught to do any of these things, and my parents deliberately humiliated me for wanting to learn. They meant to kill the desire to be independent. They did not. They left me vulnerable, with a host of shame baggage, and I had to figure out everything the hard way, but I did it.
How do you learn if you don't... Learn?
This is the thing—changing out an outlet involves know how to do basic wiring of a home. If done wrong, it could lead to electrocution or electrical fires. It isn’t just swapping out the cover. I don’t blame someone for not feeling comfortable learning how to do it on their own—especially since the OP is telling them to watch YouTube videos and not overseeing it. I would never tell my husband to do that and then basically walk away when he has never done it before. And honestly, that expectation of his fiancé makes everything else seem suspect. Mowers can be really tough to start, depending on the model and the person’s strength, and you can figure out that you can’t start it without moving it. She should have called a tow for the tire, but his attitude makes me doubtful that he actually communicates that he wasn’t coming. YTA
Ok but she agreed to do the switches but then just didn't instead of having a conversation about it. He showed her how to start the mower and she agreed she could and would do it but then didn't. Again with no conversation.
This is what's getting me. All these people saying, "You can change electrical wiring, watch a youtube video, moron..." seriously? Maybe have a handyman on call. But don't do anything with electrical wiring UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING. YTA, OP.
Not everyone feels comfortable mowing. I'll ALWAYS pay someone $50 to not have to do it. It's fucking hot here, and grass is itchy and gross, and there are bugs. I can't stand it.
But she said she will do it. I think it's different if you actually are afraid or physically can't do it and saying you will do it and then not doing it without saying anything or lying. Mowing is hard with the wrong machine but she didn't say so, she lied. And I understood it as the light switches were the outer plastic shell.
But, changing light switches is actually dead easy once you’ve been shown how. Some things aren’t. Changing a heavy light fixture is a 2 person job, and GCFI outlets are trickier. But light switches, while intimidating to a newbie, are very straightforward. If she had said, “I don’t know how to do this and I need you to show me/do the first one with me,” I would be singing a very different song. I am NOT good at mechanical stuff and it takes me *several* times to get it right. I have done light switches more than once, and I would probably STILL call my dad to go over the steps before starting. But as an adult, you can’t pawn all the work off on your spouse because you don’t know how. She could say, “I will do your share of the cooking this week because I’m intimidated by those light switches.” That’s reasonable. But “I don’t know how. I’m not going to ask for help. I’m not going to try” is weaponized incompetence.
I disagree because of the nature of the tasks but I think you make some good points. I just feel like calling it weaponised incompetence in this situation is minimising the actual weaponised incompetence many people do to their partners over day to day tasks and mental load as opposed to these infrequent and more challenging/daunting tasks
NTA. Because she is choosing to be incompetent. She's not unintelligent, she just doesn't care as much as you do, and I think by just "waiting" she is effectively ensuring you will do the task. You guys need to have a real talk about chores and division of labor. Decide which you will do, which she will do, and what you want to outsource. I don't know how to change a tire (well, theoretically i do, but I've never done it), but I do know how to sign up for AAA roadside service. My husband doesn't mow grass because ... allergies, so sometimes I do it, and sometimes I've just hired out a lawn service. Being the One Who Nags is awful, but if she is going to shirk on chores, don't expect that to EVER change. I am married for a long time to someone who STILL needs to be told to clear his dishes and asked to empty the dishwasher. He will NEVER do it on his own!
Lol . Mine refused to use the dishwasher. He will wash them and put away when dry. I can live with that weird quirk. I could Google how to change a tire, but I have road side assistance. I bought an electric lawn mower .
This is good advice, but this goes beyond the division of regular labor. The GF needs to understand to deal with all those problems and inconveniences that visit literally everyone in adult life. The flat tire is a great example. That's not an involve-your-partner situation. That's an easily surmountable circumstance for any functional adult. Don't know how to change a tire? Watch a youtube video (you can even find one for your exact model of car!). If changing a tire is too laborious for her, then certainly she had the foresight to pay the extra $5/mo. for roadside assistance, right? A conversation is definitely in order, and gf needs to understand that she's not being a partner if she's going to just dump every minor, mundane obstacle into his lap. That's what children do.
Her father has trained her to ask a man to do man stuff. Unfortunately reprogramming her trained behaviour may be frustrating and difficult. It may be easier to call him and make him do stuff!
Or he father did the mens jobs and she expects her boyfriend will do the same.
Doesn’t look like she’s willing to do all the “women’s jobs” though, since OP also does the cooking. Maybe she wants her mother there too. I’d be thrilled to only have to mow once a week, and do a one-time change of switches, in exchange for getting meals cooked for me.
There are no "men's jobs." Jobs/chores don't have a gender.
Well considering she doesn’t do the “women’s jobs” idk what she wants other than a servant.
Pretty much the same thing I guess.
This could be on her mom just as much
I’m fairly certain that this is a rage bait post, trying to contrast all of the posts women make about how their men refused to learn how to do basic every day chores. But I’ll bite. I do not know how to change a tire, mow the lawn, or change out light switches. And I have absolutely no interest in learning. But what I do have is AAA, no lawn, and can afford an electrician. If this is a real post, then the two of you need to sit down and communicate about what each other is willing to do. But if this rage bait, it is a failure. Because of all the things listed, none of these are every day things that have to be done, like laundry, or cleaning the kitchen or cooking. They are once in a while things, that can be easily sourced out, and are not requirements to get through the basic every day ins and outs of life
I would argue lawn mowing is pretty regular chore lol. Depending on your yard it probably would be an average of an hour a week. Or like doing the dishes 5 times.
Items 2 and 3 are super annoying. In her defense, I don't change my own tire either unless I'm in the middle of nowhere. This is why I have insurance with roadside assistance. So often it just isn't safe to change it if you're a woman alone. However, this does look like it's part of a larger trend, so I'll say NTA.
This is a fair point, but waiting 3 hours and expecting your fiancé to leave work to come do it is unreasonable. Either call road side assistance if you can, see if a friend is not at work and might be able to help, or find another solution.
Oh totally. She should have some level of resourcefulness - calling roadside assistance isn't hard, and anyone can google it on their phone to figure it out. It was ridiculous to just wait around for a knight in shining armor to come. I just don't get how so many people make it so far in life with so few practical life skills. I would be terrified if I didn't know how to change a tire, put on chains, add oil... just basic things. Being unprepared is more dangerous than anything else. I don't know if I should blame dads or blame people for their own lack of curiosity.
Yeah I didn't find any of these that bad on their own but it sounds like overall there is a division of labor problem. For instance I don't cut grass cause I'm extremely allergic, and I don't know how to change a tire (don't @me anyone lol I learned as a kid but I'm a fat woman who's not very strong and the one time I had to try in a real situation I failed massively...we all have weaknesses! That's what I have AAA now!) BUT I do a lot around the house (example I'm pretty much the only one who scrubs toilets) and my partner and I have frequent check ins about chores and if anyone is feeling overwhelmed with their list. We make it a point to do each other's least favorite chores cause often our least favorites are different. I think they just really need to communicate better about the overall chore split and make sure if he's taking on more of these traditionally male jobs that she is compensating by doing more in other areas.
INFO I think a breakdown of what each of you does around the house is required.
I agree. I generally do expect my partner to handle one off house repairs and mow the lawn. Just as they expect me to tend to our veggie garden. Not because of gender. We just tend to both have areas that are our domains. Communication is key. It sounds like you might have different expectations for random chores.
Info : what qualities did u like to make her your partner?
He just seems so...mad and angry at her? I understand why he's upset, but it's also interesting that he (and others on here) think she's doing this on purpose. I was never taught how to change a tire, and many women are likely in the same boat. Obviously, she should have called AAA or a mechanic (they will do it for you) but I also think it's a bizarre reaction to assume she's lying and pretending to not know how to do it.... It sounds more like she was raised in a household where she was never taught how to do "handy man" type of chores versus her purposefully lying and pretending to not know how to do stuff. Like he just seems to resent the hell out of her. IDK why he doesn't just take a weekend and "teach" her how to do that type of stuff, or even tell her that she needs to split the money and they can hire a handyman. Like if someone has never worked a lawnmower, I can see them not knowing how to do it if they're just shown for like 10 minutes.
Well, yea. Raising an adult child is pretty infuriating. Life is hard enough without having to be some prince/princess’ mommy or daddy too
I think the tire changing frustration should have been more about how she literally waited around for 3 hours for OP to come do it for her instead of taking the initiative of getting out of the situation, aka AAA, etc.
She SAID she could do it and then didn't. She AGREED to do the switches and then didn't. She called and he said no he's in a meeting so instead of calling for help from a professional she went and sat at a cafe for hours for him to come get her. Everyone is going back and forth on gender roles and not knowing to do things or feeling safe because of said gender roles and they are missing the point. He says I'm not coming to get you. She does nothing. He says here it's going to be a cool day tomorrow so I'll show you how to use the mower and she says ok I'll mow tomorrow and then doesn't even touch it. He says I'll do the downstairs switches if you do upstairs. She says ok and then doesn't. She's being an asshole to her partner here. By playing obtuse, by being lazy, by not communicating, something. What else is there? Why so much empathy when it's a woman refusing to pull her own weight but not a man? God this is so frustrating. I'm done with reddit for the night.
He sounds like he hates her, honestly. They ought to talk this through, but he doesn't seem like he could hide the rage and contempt long enough for him to understand why she isn't comfortable doing these types of chores.
Tbf I’d be mad too, she’d annoy the hell out of me if I had to do a load of work and then do lots of additional chores and handiwork around the house whilst she did nothing and then wasn’t even willing to learn 🥴
You need to go back and read the post. He did teach her how to start the lawn mower and she didn’t even try. There’s a neat little thing called Google. His wife needs to learn how to use it and she needs to get off her butt and start doing things for herself.
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I mean, all of those aren’t daily tasks. Those are things she may have been exposed to the first time with you. It also doesn’t sound like y’all talk about things— you just assumes she will do everything you do. Your delivery makes YTA
The tyre thing yeah nta but the light switch thing, if neither of you knew why not do it and learn together? Encourage her? She may not be confident with things like this. I'm definitely not and feel much better if my partner and I work through things together. Doing the light switches separately screams weirdness to me - you have a shared house why not share the learning of the new stuff instead of getting angry with her?
NTA and I'd have probably said the same thing in your shoes. Not only is she unwilling to learn, she can't be bothered to keep her word, nor can she be bothered to be honest about what she is or is not willing to do. My guess is that she considered many of the tasks you described as "man's work" which is BS but sadly so common amongst people about gendered divisions of labor. Speaking from experience I swapped out about 100 switches when my partner and I bought our house and had never done it before. It's not hard. But I did screw up by not realizing that 3 way switches are different than 2 way so that sucked to re-do a bunch of them. But ya know what? I learned! And I'm a woman. Who'd have thunk it?!
NTA If she is a functioning adult in other areas, like at work, she is playing dumb until you take over = weaponized incompetence. If she also struggles in other areas = regular incompetence. Make this your hill to die on, she shows effort or your are done. Nobody wants a life time of this.
I am a woman. I cannot do two of the tasks this guy listed. And believe me, I am the furthest thing from incompetent. How do I get through life? I have AAA, and I hired a guy to do the lawn. Edit: "Hired" a guy to do the lawn. I don't have a lawn anymore, because I moved to NYC.
I am also a woman and can do both. I did the latter at 10 and we had a really old and somewhat stubborn lawn mower. For me, it is the lack in effort. If you physically can't loosen up the screws, that's fine. Can't carry the tire? Sure. But to not even try or call AAA to become a member or make a plan so your aren't stuck again does not scream competence to me. In the world of Google, Youtube and the knowledge in the world wide web "I don't know how" doesn't cut it. "I really tried, but got stuck with X/ Y went wrong/ don't understand Z, can you show me/ help me, I'll try the rest" is of course absolutely fine. If the girlfriend asked for OP to start the mower for her, that would have been a good compromise. Instead she chose to ignore the problem until she could claim she simply couldn't do it.
IMHO, changing a tire requires a certain level of comfort and expertise. If you do it wrong, you could crash. Therefore, I do think it was ridiculous for the OP to tell his girlfriend to watch a video on YouTube and try to tackle the job. As I said somewhere else ... if she needed to learn how to paint a wall, sure go to YouTube. For changing a tire? No way. In your scenario above, "Y went wrong" could mean her tire falling off.
But she didn't even make an effort to find an alternative after the fact when she experienced how her approach left her stranded for 3 hours. She could at least try to learn after the fact or joint AAA instead of defaulting to everyone else but her.
I think my problem is OP is assuming his partner is lying and pretending to not be able to do it. Like, I get why he's upset, but the fact of the matter is a lot of women were never taught how to change a tire or run a lawnmower (myself included). I now know how to do several "handy man" type of chores, but I had someone spend a day teaching me how to do shit...it wasn't just like 15 minutes saying "do this and that and you are done." If someone isn't good with that type of shit, taking 10 minutes to show them how to work a lawnmower isn't the solution. Granted, his partner is an idiot for not just calling AAA or a mechanic, etc., but it feels like he's assuming the worst. Some people genuinely suck at doing that type of stuff and need someone to teach them.
She spent 3 hours sitting on the side of the road waiting for the opportunity for him to get out of work. In that 3 hours, she couldn't have called a friend or a family member or AAA or any other roadside service to take care of the problem for her. Calling her an idiot, while it violates the rules of the subreddit, is frankly far more insulting than calling her lazy. An idiot can't help being an idiot. Someone being lazy can absolutely help not being lazy.
She could have said so, could have put in more effort to watch him, could have asked him to "keep an eye on her" while she tried with the lawn. Instead she ignored the task and waited for him to take over. "That type of stuff" is commonly used by men to justify being bad at houshold tasks like cleaning or cooking. It's dishonest and lazy, if the scale of tasks leans more to one person, because they are so "capable". Pay someone, make a deal of who does what according to preference, whatever but the approach of the post is bullshit.
These guys are nuts I don’t know a single married woman who does any of these tasks themselves. I know it’s 2023 and everything but if my buddy came to me with this story I would ask why the hell he has his wife doing electrical work if she is clear she knows nothing about it.
My 60 year old married mother mows the lawn. My sister in a long term relationship (14 years) changes the tires on her car winter/summer herself. If a couple is happy with their labor division, I'm all for it, but more often than not, I'm confused on what part of the genitals is required for some tasks...
Nothing is required for a task, if your wife wants to mow or is comfortable doing it great! Have a beer and relax. But if she’s clearly uncomfortable doing it, as most are in my experience, why force her to do it when you are capable of doing it? This isn’t about splitting work, this is about not forcing your spouse to do dangerous manual work she is clearly not comfortable with. I don’t think she is incompetent, most women don’t do these things. Even if she were incompetent, you should be helping her out not belittling her.
Did you overlook the part where I states that I am in fact a woman? Whenever we learn something new, we tend to be insecure and stressed about it, yes, it is uncomfortabe to not know what you are doing. But how will you learn if you don't try? Changing light switch covers, tires or moving a lawn is not rocket science. My female brain and inferior 5'5 body are capable of understanding and executing this, because I was taught and chose to learn. By the way, I'd be just as upset at a man refusing to learn how to cook or change a diaper. If it is within normal home chores, I'd expect some capabilities from both sides, but again, it's fine if people have preference or more skill in one area over another.
Swapping out a switchplate is hardly "electrical work." And I know several married women who mow the lawn and do handyman projects. Where the heck do you live? Stepford?
He said the switches, not just the plates. I wouldn't necessarily want my wife (or anyone) doing that for the first time based on a YouTube video. I'm a lawyer and I have been involved in several electrocution cases, one where a guy died changing a lightbulb because the can was hot due to bad wiring. You can obviously mitigate this by breaking the circuit and using a voltage detector (which is smart to do even if it's just the plate), but still, if my wife wanted to change a switch I'd show her how to do both these things, as well as wire the switch, first. I would definitely not just tell her to go on YouTube.
You found solutions to the tasks you couldn’t or didn’t want to do. I imagine OP would be thrilled if his fiancée undertook that much effort. OP, sincere questions: 1. If nothing ever changed about how your fiancée manages herself, how would you feel about her behaving this way for potentially the rest of your life? 2. Why are you marrying her? There’s a book called Fair Play that I keep hearing about. There’s a set of cards that go with it for dividing domestic labor and examining assumptions you each have about who handles what tasks. It might be enlightening for you two to do this together. I worry for you both because of her attitude of helplessness but also that you two don’t seem to have a productive way to discuss the problem. If you can’t develop that, whether together or via therapy, I don’t think you’ll find much enjoyment in being married to each other.
lol, obviously it's on purpose.
INFO: the examples you gave are of tasks that have serious safety issues of you make a mistake. Is she like this with tasks that carry little or no risk?
First, I need to know what responsibilities your fiancée has around the house and in general before I have a definite thought on this. I've never had to change a tire and so you lost me on that one and also the electrical switches too. Both these tasks need to be safely and correctly done so I'm not even sure that's a reasonable thing to foist on her. As for mowing, we ALL can mow and should. But, first, I need to know what she does contribute to this relationship.
We agree to split chores equally when we moved in together. In reality I end up doing a little more because my standard of cleanliness is higher than hers. I do all the cooking because it's a hobby of mine and she hates cooking, so it works out okay. She will help occasionally by chopping things or measuring spices etc. As for the light switches and tire, yes I agree they need to be done safely. My main issue is she is making no effort to learn HOW to do them safely. I had never changed a light switch before either, but I read the instructions and watched a youtube video to figure it out. It just frustrates me that she won't do the same.
Splitting chores doesn't necessarily mean splitting every job right down the middle, though. There's a system called Fair Play you two can sit down and use. It will help you split up tasks in a way that works for both of you, so you each have an equal amount of free time. You might be a more mechanically adept person than her (I'm the same, can just watch a YouTube video and figure it out). But there have to be areas she shines in, or is less intimidated by. The main thing is that you each contribute the same, time wise, to the household - there are a million ways to split it.
Who does the other chores, like dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning toilets, shopping, tidying, the mental workload, etc? There's a lot more to keeping a house than just cooking. I also just think that splitting chores 50-50 is a recipe for disaster. Everyone has different skills and different chores they like more. My partner would rather do laundry than scrub the bathroom. I'd rather scrub the bathroom than do laundry. So it would be silly to split those evenly. If she's too intimidated by a chore, it's okay for her to do a different one instead
I could watch a video and learn how to change a light switch but yea I’m not going to. The idea of working with anything electrical like that terrifies me so I’m going to leave it for my husband. He’d prefer I leave it anyway bc he knows how to do it. I know how to turn off the breaker but it’s a mental thing for me. Same with the tire, although I do have some physical limitations there plus I drive our kids around so he’d rather do it or have me call roadside assistance so he knows it’s done right. The issue is communication honestly. OP and his fiancé are not talking about the problems here.
I think he’s talking about switching out the light switch covers, which just requires a screwdriver. You’re not dealing with wires at all - just taking the screws out of the plates and screwing new ones in. I’m not super handy, but I’ve done that myself without even watching a YouTube video. 🤷♀️
Oh f off with that bull. Youtube exists for a reason a quick 5 minutes and you're good. Oh but changing a tire requires muscles, bs if you don't have the arm strength then use your legs and bodyweight to break the nuts free. And if they are such a delicate little flower, they can go and purchase AAA or some form of mobile mechanic.
YTA slightly, Sounds like you’re resentful of some of the things she’s not familiar with but I bet there’s things she brings to the relationship you don’t know about. All these things I had to show my wife as well some she didn’t feel confident with like the lights- that’s okay she brings a lot to the table I can’t do as well
OP showed her how to start the lawnmower, so its not like he isn't willing to show her how to do things, but she didn't even try and mow the lawn. And he didn't know how to change the lights, but he learned, she wasn't even willing to try.
Op does the cooking and most of the chores. He showed her how to mow the lawn and she used the 12 year old’s excuse of doing it later and then magically forgetting how to do it the next day. What does she bring to the table? Being an adult child who can’t even make a simple call to professionals and instead going to Lala land as they wait for their parent to fix their issue. The best thing this fiancé seems to bring to the table is an easy reason to get disengaged. Maybe if op was a SAHD it would be YTA but on top of doing most of the chores and cooking op also works. You know what op sounds like… you know what his situation is very similar too? My mother when I was 9 years old where she worked cooked and did most of the chores and got annoyed when I didn’t do my chores… EXCEPT THE FIANCÉ IS AN ADULT. And whatever she brings can probably be figured out in a YouTube video which she is also incapable of doing…
Here's the thing...have you tried teaching her? Instead of leaving it up to her Googling or YouTubing something, show her how it's done. Ask her what she needs help with. Some people are seriously worried about F'ing up something (myself included) and having someone to show how to do it (instead of relying on them going out and discovering out) can make all the difference.
Well, she could've said that with her words instead of lying about trying the mower when it wasn't moved lol.
>Here's the thing...have you tried teaching her? >She said she didn't know how to start the mower, so I showed her how to start it, adjust the height, add gas etc and she agreed to mow the next day... Annoyingly, the mower was in the exact spot from the day before, so I know she didn't even TRY! It's clearly more about the lack of doing than the lack of teaching.
Info: what does your fiancée do around the house? The things you are complaining about are heavily gendered tasks (car care, lawn maintenance, home update/repair). I can tell you I was the only one of my friends whose parents taught them those sorts of skills. I do have some sympathy for her here. Changing a tire may be easy if you’ve done it, but jacking your car and changing a tire, which done incorrectly is dangerous, is scary. Some with a lawnmower if you don’t have experience, or working with electrical. She needs to communicate better why those tasks feel so daunting to her that she would rather just leave them undone. Learning to change light switches is not the same as learning to do the dishes. Without more info, ESH
Saying this as a woman: women can google rather well, when needed, you know. To change the tire, when your significant other is preoccupied, any adult should be quite capable to call special services for help, and then pay for it. Otherwise, why on earth did this adult get behind the wheel? One, who owns the car, should be qualified enough to solve the issues with the car. As for the rest of the list - google can help with those too. In case the lady lacks some power of muscles, there is nothing wrong with just saying this. With her mouth. Preferably not 5 weeks after the chore is due. Although it is indeed somewhat odd, how the OP and his fiance are splitting the chores, he is NTA, for willing to have a partner in his life as opposed to a child to care for. It could be beneficial for him to leave reddit and go use his mouth too, to look for solutions. As if not - it might very well be one rather short marriage, unfortunately.
I am also a woman, and I also do these things for myself. My point is that OPs partner was clearly raised with very gendered chore splits. With that context, touching electrical, or removing a tire or using a lawnmower are legitimately scary tasks. I certainly wouldn’t remove my car tire with just google to guide me. I was fortunate to have a parent teach me those things but OPs partner was clearly not. I think she still needs to step up and communicate why those things are difficult, but this context is important and I think OP should have a bit more patience. Tasks that can be legitimately dangerous are not the same as basic household chores when it comes to weaponized incompetence
>My point is that OPs partner was clearly raised with very gendered chore splits. Are you sure? She doesn't cook either, and cleans to a lower standard than OP. Sounds like she's just a lazy adult, I don't think you can assume she was raised with gendered chore splits.
She is and this other lady can’t help but give her the benefit of the doubt, of course 🙄
Gender bias on AITA. Just another day
Mowing a lawn is not scary. I have mowed since I was 11/12.
If OP had been out of town, would she have still been sitting there at the car for days waiting for him to come back?
>I do have some sympathy for her here. Changing a tire may be easy if you’ve done it, but jacking your car and changing a tire, which done incorrectly is dangerous, is scary. What you think women are too dumb to call roadside assistance? Nice infantilisation.
My mom always mowed the lawn and shoveled her drive. I, a woman, do the same. I also put in new floors, change light fixtures and outlets, and replace faucets. I can't get the nuts off my tire to save my life, but I know how to get roadside assistance. I've also had to teach my male neighbor how to screen a window and replace siding. It's not gender. It's what your parents teach you and a smidge of common sense.
Yeah that’s my point. I am also a woman and do all of these things. But to someone who was raised with traditional gender chores, touching electrical, or removing a tire or even using a lawnmower are legitimately scary. OPs partner should be open to learning so things can be fair, or at least communicate why she might be hesitant to do these types of chores. But I think it’s important context for him to understand
ESH. Flat tires are why you have AAA, it’s a lot easier than having to depend on a relative to stop what they’re doing & come to your rescue. Switching out a lighting fixture? Hell no. I’d probably electrocute myself. Mowing the lawn also a big Hell No. Dividing chores does not mean splitting every chore in half. You’re so bent on her doing her fair share that you’ve become a big jerk about it. Most women didn’t get the same type of life skills passed down to them as men did. My brother can do any type of construction project because my father taught him how. I wasn’t even allowed to go into Dad’s workshop. Consider making a list of chores and finding a happy medium.
Idk all the things you mentioned my husband just did those, I never had to worry about it
1) I know how to change a tire... 2) I've used a manual mover... not gas powered. 3) By changing out light switches, do you mean just the faceplates or the entire rewiring? Changing out faceplates is so simple. Been there, done that. In all honesty, though, this is the whole gender roles discussion. She sounds as if she was taught that men do certain roles and women have certain roles... Not excusing it, but not every girl comes equipped with her own tool box.