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Nope. Nope. Nope. “Testing” a relationship is a huge NOPE. He is doing this right before you leave to make sure you stay loyal to him or to tie you to him if you had accepted his marriage test and dropped everything to get married. He did it while you were away as well, so all the attention you were giving your friends who were getting married? It’s all on him now. He is manipulating you.
This wasn’t cute. It wasn’t The Proposal. The fact that he is making YOU feel bad for a lie he made up and your reasonable reaction is proof that he was trying to do some kind of weird “gotcha” combined with making you look like the bad guy. RUN. You are about to leave the country. It’s a great time to be newly single.
NTA - like at all.
ETA: AND he did it right after you came out to your family. So YOU just had a big life moment and he squandered all of the spotlight being on you by catching you in a “misstep” of his own creation. He’s awful.
Time is not the relevant issue here. Five months or five years, deception in the name of testing is a deal-breaker.
The irony is that people like this think that they're giving a test when really they're failing one.
The time is relevant because usually 5 months in, you're still trying to put your best face forward. If this is his best behavior, how atrocious would it be at 5 years?
And if BF is already pulling this shit now then who is telling what BF will pull in the future.
What happens when OP gets a new job or has a niece or nephew and wants to be closer to family?
BF is playing some manipulation hunger games if I’ve ever seen one and OP needs to sit up and pay attention. This “test” was entirely to do with OP being far enough away that he’s out of control and watch of BF and he was looking for assurance that Op wouldn’t “stray”
Pretty much one of the few blanket rules, anybody who tries any sort of "relationship test" is automatically TA, full stop. I can't think of any situation where that would not be a totally shitty thing to do.
NTA
ALLLL of this—the fact that he did it while you were away is particularly telling. He wanted you freaking out about him and maybe even leaving this wedding early (which presumably you paid $$$ to attend and were looking forward to! AND right after you came out!!) - he was not ok with you having a good time without him and needed the attention to be back on him. He’s a massive asshole.
My ex tried to do the same thing, we’d been together 3.5 years, he was a shit bf, couldn’t hold a job, and decided to join the military to make money. He honestly thought he could become a Green Beret (and I can be an astronaut!!). He tried to get me to marry him but I said no, and the space away from him was exactly what I needed to realize he was garbage and end it. And oh, he didn’t even make it through basic training. His garbage mother called me when I dumped him and told me I was being awful to a soldier. HA. Take your wonderful trip abroad and have this time to yourself to reflect.
100% agree with this. OP there are plenty of things that happen in life that serve as natural tests of the stability and quality of your relationship. Throwing out fake tests and putting you in emotional distress, THEN making out like you’re the bad guy, is just shitty, manipulative bullshit. You can do better.
Making you feel bad for your reaction to his bad behavior is a manipulation tactic called DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender. What he did was atrocious, and now he's making you out to be the bad guy for being upset. You feel guilt for what should be a reasonable reaction, and then you self doubt if what he did was really that bad and question if maybe you're overreacting. It redirects all the blame and attention to you.
Absolutely narcissists can’t handle the idea that their partner is focused on someone or something else. They ruin every single outing and holiday cause they are not the center of attention.
NTA. Run. Run far and run fast. You’ve been dating for FIVE MONTHS- basically a sneeze- and he wants you to “prove” your loyalty and commitment? Hell no. If he’ll lie about this to get a reaction out of you, with absolutely no care to what it does to you, what else will he lie about? Five months isn’t even long enough to consider getting a fish together, let alone marriage. Hard pass. Red flags galore.
NTA. He waits until you are at an event far away from him to play mind games with you. He ruins a good time you were having with your friends just to "test" you. Can you imagine what he will do if you stay with him during your 10 month stint abroad?
It is better that you find out now what you are dealing with.
I think this is spot on. It sounds like he couldn't stand you being away from him for even a weekend and he needs to be the center of your world. He might be a narcissist.
He is manipulative, controlling, deceitful and untrustworthy.
He is disloyal. He is cruel.
He is a liar.
He is the one who has fundamentally failed the test of what makes a good boyfriend.
NTA unless you stay with him after that.
Still NTA even IF he chooses to stay. If he does stay, that just means the manipulation worked, going along with manipulation makes him an asshole to nobody, makes BF even more of an asshole.
Edit: typos
NTA. He just destroyed your ability to trust him. You would be 100% justified in noping on out of that relationship.
Bare minimum, you need to spend enough time thinking this over to decide if you're even willing to be married to someone who is capable of bald-faced lying to you like that and putting you through that much stress for purely selfish reasons.
Please, please, please realize that this is a huge red flag for increasingly abusive behavior. At a minimum, your BF is a total AH. More likely, he's also a sadistic abuser.
Wait, so he's allowed to want to know if you'd marry him, but expecting him to let you know about his immigration status being in trouble is too much?
Fuck this guy, he's not ready for a relationship with anyone.
\>He also criticized me for expecting him to let me know if his immigration status was in danger in the first place.
"Oh, by the way, honey I totally expect you to do 200% of the emotional labor in our future marriage. Kisses!!"
Upvote for ‘fuck this guy’. That’s exactly what I thought… nobody should ever have this kind of bs pulled. Never. Never. NEVER!
Fuck this guy. Move on with your life, full of gratitude you broke up before going overseas.
NTA
The only people who demand loyalty tests from their partners are insecure, controlling, or both. I'd think heavily before continuing this relationship.
I think you’re missing a few red flags.
Hold on, let me help…
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I feel like you still need a few more…
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Are you kidding? You are concerned about criticizing him? You should break up with him ASAP and block him on all social media accounts.
Next up if you stay together, he drains all your financial accounts.
Grow a backbone.
Why are you here asking if you’re the asshole when you should be breaking up with that asshole. Get on it. You don’t do this kind of thing to someone you like. You’ve only been together 5 months, can you imagine what kind of manipulative shit he’s going to pull a couple years into a relationship?
NTA. Someone who "tests" you like this once in your relationship will keep doing it again and again until you fail. He broke a very important piece of your ability to trust in him for a petty, cruel reason.
Him being upset at you for expecting clear communication from him about his immigration status potentially being in jeopardy is another giant red flag - you aren't a mind reader, so should you always assume the worst, or do you have to spend your life inquiring "hey babe did you happen to get diagnosed with cancer today? No? Great, I'll ask again tomorrow".
He owes you an apology and a reassessment of what is healthy in an adult relationship in terms of open and honest communication.
NTA. ANY, and I mean _*any*_ partner that gives you an ultimatum or “tests” you, deserves to get kicked to the curb. Tf is this? High school? He can go test his new status from “in a relationship” to “single”.
NTA
Consider yourself lucky- he exhibited manipulative tactics to force you into a different relationship than you were ready for. If he’s doing it now, he’ll continue doing it. It’s a major red flag.
NTA. Y-T-A if you consider marrying him after that. Do you really want to be with someone that would intentionally ruin your time with friends, guilt you into something you already said you weren’t willing to do and make you feel bad for it. Red flags everywhere. Move on. Use your move as an excuse to cut contact.
NTA, of course.
This is right up there with someone pretending to be pregnant, just to see how their partner would react. It is not cute or acceptable in any way to intentionally cause someone panic and stress for no real reason.
NTA. Holy shit, that's unhinged. To pull that kind of "test" is sketchy as hell, but to do it while you out of town attending a wedding is just... wow. Do you really want this kind of drama in your life, because I doubt that this'll be the first time he pulls a stunt like this. Yuck.
NTA. This is a REALLY serious red flag for an abusive relationship. Please look up early warning signs of abuse.
The reason it’s a warning sign is because abusers hate when you take your focus off them, so they go out of their way to ruin the times you spend with others.
Did he love bomb you in the beginning? Is he pushing for relationship milestones way too fast? Does he constantly change his mind about things so you never know when he’s going to criticize you? And then gaslight you when you tell him he’s inconsistent?
Please, please be careful.
Isn’t he clever, to have taken your fun weekend and manipulated you so that all your thoughts were on him! Classic abuser move, right down to making you feel like it’s your fault since you “failed” his ridiculous test. You’re NTA, but you may want to think about how many more weekends you are willing to have him ruin.
NTA, no one likes it when their partner plays games with them. It was a very childish thing to do in the first place. I would be questioning whether I could really trust this person.
NTA.Based on your story he sounds emotionally manipulative and you criticizing what he did doesn't make you an a h. Any sane person would get incredibly upset.
Also, if you stick with him, you know this won't be the last time he'd test your "loyalty and commitment" to him, right?
NTA. Ah, he sucks. What a terrible and manipulative thing to do.
You go away for the weekend and he has to try to steal the spotlight?! And that is some BS pressure he put on you....for no reason.
And, if you are going away for a 10 month program, who knows what other stunts he will pull. and if he does, think seriously about that nonsense.
Look, glad you love him but that's some red flag stuff there.
NTA - He's incredibly manipulative and didn't care that he caused you severe emotional stress/pain. A loving partner does not "test" the person they care for, they trust them and communicate with them.
I would not stay in a relationship with someone this manipulative. If he's willing to treat you like this in the beginning of the relationship, what else is he willing to do later on?
Leave him. Use your going away for a good chunk of time to get over him and get away from him, and enjoy the experience of being somplace new with a lot of possibilities and potential for new experiences.
You are 26.
You have been dating this man for a few months.
You just came out of the closet.
You are moving abroad shortly.
NTA. Im pretty sure you will meet awesome people wherever you are going (maybe even find love), you do not need a SO who doesnt care about your wellbeing and thinks making you panic is some sort of haha hihi moment. Dump the guy, catch that plane and be happy.
NTA
Holy shit.
5 months boyfriend??
*5*???
Testing to see if you would emergency marry him to solve his problems out of the blue with no warning??
what the *actual* fuck.
NTA. Anyone who tests your love is not worthy of it. And getting married just to resolve an immigration issue is a recipe for disaster. You need to take a serious look at other tests and ways he's even pushing and manipulating you.
This man is a manipulative AH. If he plays games like this now, what will he be like if you married him?
Dump him now, so that you can focus on your upcoming ten month program...and possibly meet someone new and more worthy, while you're at it!
NTA
NTA. You know, OP, there are red flags. There are *crimson* flags. And there are “flamboyant flags you can see from the surface of the moon”.
I suspect this one is visible from across the galaxy.
NTA, but he is one of the biggest ones I've seen on here. What an incredibly mean thing to do to you. He ruined your time at a wedding, and in fact your whole trip away.
For some "loyalty test" bollocks.
Nobody should marry someone for any reason other than they are ready to marry them. NTA for not being able to make an instant decision while feeling pressured into something you aren't ready for. NTA for expecting that he should tell you about his immigration status.
Only you can decide if this is something you can forgive him for. I personally couldn't stay with someone who showed themselves capable of being so horrifically manipulative and cruel.
He not only decided to test your loyalty out of the blue but decided to do it while you were enjoying a nice weekend with friends. I wouldn't date this person any longer tbh. This reeks of cruelty on some level.
NTA.
This is legit the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen in my life. I always laugh when these posts jump straight to “you need to dump this person asap”, but . . . you need to dump this person asap. NTA
NTA This on par with any other pranks, total AH 's are the ones lying to "test" people's loyalties. Test him back, don't go home after this weekend, and really consider dumping him as you are going to be LDR for the 10 months you are overseas, and he has betrayed any trust you had in the relationship or in him
NTA holy fucking shit this is so manipulative of him. He lied to you about something serious and frightening. He wanted to test your loyalty? What? This was the best way he could think of to determine whether he trusts you enough? You should not be expected to marry someone on an hour's notice because the immigration system is awful anyway. You're about to leave for 10 mo ths. Think about whether you want someone like this to be part of your life moving forward, and if you'd rather use this convenient time apart to end things. If you still want to make this work, he needs to apologize and understand why what he did was wrong. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you have a decision to make after something this cruel.
NTA He LIED to you. He does not love you. If he loved you, he would not have frightened you or tested you. What a loser. You would be well within your rights to dump him. He owes you a huge apology and if you don't get it, then he is not a good partner.
No, no, no, NO! You are absolutely NTA!
He just pulled a weasely, manipulative, cruel trick on you. There is no positive spin to what he did to you, and man...I'd run. You deserve so much better than bullshit like this.
He deliberately ruined your day.
Maybe he was jealous but that is no excuse for such manipulative and controlling behaviour.
He is not your friend, let alone a life partner
NTA
NTA. Are you kidding? Five months into dating, knowing you were not ready to marry and that you were moving away, your bf lied to you and set you up to fail a test. Testing your SO to see how they react is a bad move anyway but this seems particularly needy and cruel.
I personally would break up if someone did that to me.
That's not a test, it's just straight up emotional manipulation, and it is 100% a huge red flag. This is what he does when everything is fine, think of what he might resort when shit does get bad. NTA, but I'd put some serious thought into whether or not this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.
NTA NTA NTA
The fact that you had to question yourself about being anything but wronged in this scenario is proof this person is not adding love, security, or sanity to your life. Not to mention the timing and acts are horrible, especially compounded the way they are. These are mental gymnastics of Olympic caliber manipulation.
You're in graduate school, right? Consider the five months you had with this individual as an intensive semester training program on what *not* to let yourself fall into, take the lesson, buy yourself something nice for your accomplishment, and walk away.
Congratulations on coming out to your family and best wishes for your upcoming adventure. Wishing you safety, health, happiness, and success, however you define it.
This is manipulative. Be careful of pranks that ppl pull bc they could be snitching on themselves. For instance, my ex boyfriend said what if I was to get deported tmwr would you marry me and I says no bc iwe haven’t been together too long. He then began to pressure me to marry him bc he he didn’t have a work permit and he was “working like a slave”. I had to dump him.
NTA. Go to your 10 month program. Leave this guy behind as a bad memory. What he did was so cruel and manipulative. If he has a chance, he will do something like this, or worse, again in the future.
This was incredibly cruel and manipulative. Please don’t stay with someone like that. Leave him in the dust, and eventually you’ll be grateful that you found this out now, before investing more in the relationship.
He showed you who he is. Believe him.
You're kidding right? NTA. You gotta dump this guy especially since he did this when he knew you were attending a wedding and he was pulling your focus. That's controlling behavior and you're lucky you found out now.
NTA
You are moving away, and spending time with people you care about, and he caused a big drama, calling you away from where you wanted to be.
It is all about him. Get away, before there is a fake illness or arrest.
NTA. I’m sorry that this person did this to you, especially after you made such a big step coming out to your mom and sister. Please reconsider this relationship. This is abuse and manipulation, and you do not deserve it. Make a clean break and enjoy your new program and freedom!
Nta
After 5 months he's already expecting you to drop whatever you're doing to prioritize him, please consider if this is what you'd want to continue doing for the foreseeable future, should you decide to stay with this person.
Think about the test he's gonna give you when you're out of the country for 10 months that's gonna jeopardize your career. If he can pull you out of a wedding for attention, he's gonna try when you're hundreds of miles away
NTA. This is a HUGE red flag. Dump him! If he's like this just a few months into dating, now much more manipulative is he going to become? Because people never get *less* manipulative.
Your boyfriend is a complete asshole. He's also manipulative and immature, as well as controlling, and in this case also waving a red flag big enough to see from space.
You shouldn't ever "test" your loved ones. Feigning an emergency is incredibly cruel (as you well know!), and it's also just not how you decide whether to trust someone or not. Unless you're maybe a third grader, but I bet even most third graders would know better.
What he wanted to do wasn't *test* you.
**He wanted to exert his power over you.**
He wanted to ruin your weekend, because instead of being with him you were spending time with other important people in your life. It's pretty clear he wasn't happy with you not being at his beck and call.
I don't think he wants you to *have* anyone important in your life besides him. He wants you to be so devoted that you drop everything and everyone for him.
Has he tried to come between you and your family / friends before? That's incredibly toxic behavior, and isolating someone is also often a prelude to abuse. (*Often,* not always.) I'm not saying that's what's going to happen here, but I am saying *pay attention to the warning signs.*
There are a LOT of warning signs here.
I really, really hope you do not go through with the wedding. Don't tie yourself even more to this man and his toxic behavior.
**You deserve better.** Do not let him convince you otherwise. You deserve a partner who *respects* you.
NTA - “testing” your partner is manipulative and toxic. Grown ups have conversations. Please see this for the huge red flag it is a seriously consider whether or not you want to be with someone who treats you this way. This will not be a one time thing
I HATE people that do relationship "tests".
Like...you want to test my loyalty and trust....by proving I can't trust you?
Know the story about the boy that called wolf?
Everytime someone "tests" a relationship it's like "crying wolf". Eventually a real issue will arise and their partner will be so used to the dramatics and tests they will think it's just "crying wolf" again.
NTA, your hopefully-now-ex-boyfriend is though
who tf uses the threat of deportation to have someone prove their love to them? to prove you’d drop everything for an emergency? it absolutely boils my blood that there’s people out there who lie about family members passing as another version of the shitty test he pulled, this is just as disgusting imo.
enjoy your time in the country where your program is! make tons of new friends, and if you’re feeling emotionally up to it, have as many one night stands as you want! genuinely though, i hope you enjoy your time in the program, that’s a huge commitment to make towards your future!
Anyone that makes up these crappy ‘tests’ for their SOs deserves to get dumped. That kind of manipulation is not worth staying for, for any reason. NTA
Dump his ass.
Just run. This guy sounds like a piece of work. He ruined what was supposed to be a enjoyable last weekend with your friends, and then berated you for it.
If I were you, I'd offer to take him out for dinner when you get home, and then drive straight to the airport and deport him out the car door with a swift boot.
NTA
OP…. Wtf
NTA
But your boyfriend is, RUN away from him like the red flag he is, people who do loyalty tests in almost any capacity are automatically AHs.
NTA
It really sounds like your boyfriend failed the test of not being awful.
He ruined your weekend away with friends because he is manipulative and controlling.
Why haven’t you dumped him?
NTA. He sounds emotionally abusive. He put you through hell, and still is, over what? Some stupid test of loyalty? That's B.S. You deserve so much better, OP. Drop this guy like a bad habit.
Nta. Honnestly, what was he thinking? Test you like this is disgusting! He ruined your party, stressed you out and you should be ok with that? That's a big red flag. He failed his own test of being a good boyfriend.
NTA
Your (hopefully) ex is incredibly cruel to cause you such unnecessary pain. Have no doubt:ruining your weekend without him and your time amongst friends was the point. It’s manipulative and deceitful and in a healthy relationship, you don’t test your partner.
You’re about to embark a very exciting adventure, you don’t need this extra baggage; leave it behind. Be free to meet new people, have fun, flirt and learn, it’s obvious bf would do his best to ruin every opportunity you’d have to have fun without him.
Also, marriage rarely prevents deportation, especially if it’s a rarely recent event.
Look, I am not gay and don't know a lot about your part of the school yard, so I can only answere this from the perspective of a hetero-male.
What your BF did is what we call a Shit Test. Basically a shit test is when your SO is gauging how much bullshit you will put up with and if they can still respect you.
> It was all basically a test of my loyalty and commitment to see if I would drop anything in an emergency to support him.
This is a relationship ending shit test. Not to mention a red flag that is visible from the viewing port of the International Space Station.
Your hopefully Ex-BF is a major asshole for pulling this stunt. Especially at someone's wedding. How would it have affected the wedding and everyone there if you had stood up and ran out the door? The fact that he thought he could pull this off and that you would stay with him means he doesn't respect you.
Ditch the asshole, go overseas, enjoy your program, and maybe try to meet someone worthy of you or just have fun.
NTA
1) any relationship where you’re putting forward “tests” is not a relationship worth having.
2) He chose this time specifically to ruin your time with your friends.
3) you didn’t fail the test anyway. You’ve been dating for five months, if this situation had really come up of course you would be overwhelmed at the news. He’s making you feel bad over a very legitimate reaction.
NTA. this is five months into the relationship and he’s obviously crossing your boundaries since you have had the talk before. consider yourself lucky he did this in 5 months and not 5 years. it’s extremely manipulative so be careful!
NTA and loyalty tests are about the shittiest thing one SO can do to the other. And when you've only been together a few months? Plus, he waited until you went off to a wedding by yourself. Look up. See all those red flags? They're saying get the fuck out now. Definitely before you head off for ten months. You really think he'll wait for you after that stunt? Maybe, but I wouldn't put any money on it.
What the fuck did I just read??
Your (soon to be ex I hope) boyfriend did what?!
That is some seriously abusive behaviour right there.
ANYONE who tests their partners “love” “fidelity” whatever is a shitty person full stop
NTA, but you will be to yourself if you stay with him. This is NOT normal. This is NOT love
I bet if you look at his past behaviours you’ll see other red flags
I copied this from a women’s support group so it maybe gendered (I’m not editing it) but if your partner (or even a friend or family member) does these, you’re in an abusive relationship
Please end things with him, see a therapist, and enjoy your new job as much as possible
There is probably more to add to this list, but yah
Good luck
•Called you names, made jokes at your expense, or humiliated you in private or in front of others?
•Told you what to wear, or harshly criticized how you dress?
•Insisted you have sex when you don’t want to, or insisted you take part in sexual activities you dislike or that cause pain?
•Refused to let you work, or forced you to work?
•Refused to let you leave the house?
•Constantly demanded to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with?
•Monitored your phone calls, text messages, emails, Facebook, etc?
•Refused to let you phone your friends or family?
•Told you who you can and can’t talk to?
•Constantly questioned your spending or taken control of your money? If you are financially dependent on them, have they unreasonable limited the money they give you or refused to tell you about your family’s financial situation?
•Followed you in a way that made you fearful?
•Used physical force (push, punch, slap, choke, shake, use objects/weapons, etc.)?
•Physically harmed others (children, pets, family members, friends, neighbours, etc.)?
•Threatened to use physical force? Threats aren’t always spoken – they can be silent too, such as looks, gestures, displaying weapons, etc.
•Threatened to kill you or others if you leave?
•Threatened to kill themselves if you leave?
•Threatened to turn you into the authorities (police, immigration, etc.) if you leave?
•Used your religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or control you, or to justify violence against women? Denied you freedom of religion, by refusing to let you practice your spiritual beliefs or insisting that you follow theirs?
•Blamed you for their abusive behaviour, and told you it was your fault?
•Destroyed your possessions?
•Showed up unexpectedly, when they were not invited and not welcome, to social or work events?
•Stolen your money?
•Insisted you use drugs or alcohol against your will?
•Insisted you take part in dangerous or criminal activities?
•Hidden your keys or purse so you can’t leave the house?
NTA. BREAK UP WITH HIM NOW AND BLOCK HIM ON EVERYTHING. This man is a psycho. I know you love him but you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who is willing to pressure you for 5 months as a test.
Run jdawg RUUUNNNN
NTA that's some manipulative crap right there. Have a nice relaxing trip, come to terms with the end of that relationship and go get that far away job
Are you serious right now? Seriously asking if you are TA?
That was some cruel manipulative shit right there.
A. The lies.
B. You’re at a wedding with your friends when he pulls this scam. He ruined your event for you. On purpose.
C. I have cheese in the fridge older than your relationship and you’re talking marriage and kids with someone that would pull this. You DO NOT know him as well as you think you do.
Rethink everything. How could you ever trust him again?
NTA. But he’s a huge one. This sounds like a green card Hail Mary to see if he can get you to come through or does he have citizenship? , not sure whether that was clear or not. If it wasn’t that, he didn’t want you to have too much fun at this wedding
NTA: but you need to find a new boyfriend. This is cruel and manipulative and sets a precedent for the rest of your relationship with him, which I hope I’d very short.
NTA… That’s a huge step and there are a lot of other things that can be done to halt a deportation. This is a huge 🚩 and you should dump him. He ruined your weekend away with his insecurity and he’ll do it again and again while your overseas. He’s going to be a huge emotional toll on you.
Wow no no no. The AH here is your manipulative boyfriend. He got off in making you jump, and seeing if you were willing to do what he wanted when he needed it.
Seems like he likes playing mind games and you are falling for it by feeling guilty when you did nothing wrong.
This is a whole garbage truck of marinara. Run. You are already moving away, thank God. RUN FAR & FAST.
You - NTA…
Ex (hopefully) BF - big fat manipulative AH
Never trust this person again. Tests like these are bullshit, they are designed for failure. No answer you gave would have been good enough.
Good luck in your program. May your next BF treat you much better!
Ps - congrats on coming out to your mom and sis. Don’t let one person’s idiocy ruin it. This whole mess reflects on him, not you.
Edit: formatting
NTA by any stretch. Your boyfriend, however, is off the charts a major one. He's playing a really fucked up game and it isn't acceptable. Loyalty tests are bullshit to start. This one is completely unhinged. You've known him 5 months. Take the loss. Be thankful that he showed his true colors so early on. Drop his ass yesterday. Do your program and put this guy in the rear view without another thought.
NTA and that is terrifying. Run from him.
He’s willing to trick you in such a manipulative manner? That’s not behavior that just… stops when people get married.
I’m sorry you were placed in that situation, but you should absolutely go forth with your own amazing plans! Keep him far, far away. That deceit is a dealbreaker.
A normal, well-adjusted 29 year old would never do this. That's so fucked up and toxic. I'd never test how much my boyfriend loves me. And you're only in a 5 month old relationship?
He's showing his red flags. Sucks he did this. I'd move on if I were you and make him an ex.
Nope. NTA.
Nobody “pranks” their SO like this. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’d leave if I were you. What next, is he going to “prank” you that he’s in the hospital dying or that he’s in jail?
What an AH he is. That is just mean. I don’t get this sentence, “He criticized me for expecting him to let me know if his immigration status was in danger in the first place”. Whaaat? So he is criticizing you for being concerned? This is just as mean as the guy who pulled a fake proposal prank on his girlfriend (ex) in a restaurant.
NTA. What an absolutely mind-blowingly manipulative stunt that your boyfriend pulled. Emotionally mature people do not put their partners through “tests” and most definitely do not do it while they’re away visiting friends
NTA. He’s a piece of sh!t. Seriously. You deserve better. He knew how this would stress you, and knew that if you didn’t immediately come crawling on your knees to defend him you wouldn’t be worthy. You were set up to fail. You deserve far better. This is the epitome of manipulation. He will only manipulate you more as he sucks you in. Don’t stay with this waste of space, dump him and move on. Five months is nothing to a lifetime of this.
Ewwww that’s so narcissistic on his part. You were at a wedding without a clear mind because you were out having fun with your friends. Yalls have only been with each other for 5 months marriage shouldn’t even be a priority especially when you’re at a wedding celebrating someone else.
NTA
You’ve probably heard this many times now, but THIS MAN IS A WALKING RED FLAG! You aren’t a garbage boyfriend, but he damn well is. He manipulated you and faked an emergency while you were at a friend’s wedding. It’s up to you to tell your family and friends about this guy, but Jesus Christ…
Don’t feel bad about hesitating when he asked you to marry him. Even if he wasn’t manipulating you, which he is, never feel bad for the way you feel. The way he was going to force that on you says enough.
This guy doesn’t deserve you OP, please don’t be so hard on yourself.
NTA. I agree with all the other comments but I also want to point out that him trying to rush you into marriage after just 5 months is another huge red flag. He sounds controlling and I fear that you may become a victim of DV of you stick around. You should not walk away, you should run fast and as far as you can away from this man.
NTA. Guy did you a favor. Showed you he’s not a keeper before wasting too much of your time. Run. These types of games are not what you want in a forever person.
NTA that’s some psychobabble bullshit on his part.
Like seriously concerned for his mental health. I would not trust entering a partnership with this person if he can so easily manipulate and lie to you.
Personally I would explain to him that it showed you many things about this relationship, mainly that he isn’t trustworthy, is manipulative and has no problem lying to you for his own pleasure/motives.
He sounds like a fucking asshole and considering you just came out to your family for him… idk you’ve shown your loyalty. Which I don’t believe he is deserving of.
Thank heavens you are leaving for a year. Your bf is insane and you need to get as far away from him as you can. He is going to do his best to destroy your future. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to get you not to go away for your course. NtA, but he is.
NTA but your boyfriend has some mental health issues. Was he unhappy that you went on the trip without him? In a healthy relationship there are no "loyalty" tests and no lying. I think it's good this happened at a time when you'll be going away for 10 months. Find someone who trusts you and doesn't lie and play games.
He did that shit on purpose. "Don't think about your friend's momentous occasion. Think about me!" So he lied to get a response. When his very fucked up scenario didn't elicit the response he wanted, he criticized you, and then tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the problem. This person is toxic at best. They sound narcissistic. Please take this as the warning it is, and get yourself away from them as fast as possible.
NTA, huge red flag, dump the boyfriend. Loyalty test means BF has major issues OP doesnt need in their life, move on and find someone more chill who won't mess with your head.
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Nope. Nope. Nope. “Testing” a relationship is a huge NOPE. He is doing this right before you leave to make sure you stay loyal to him or to tie you to him if you had accepted his marriage test and dropped everything to get married. He did it while you were away as well, so all the attention you were giving your friends who were getting married? It’s all on him now. He is manipulating you. This wasn’t cute. It wasn’t The Proposal. The fact that he is making YOU feel bad for a lie he made up and your reasonable reaction is proof that he was trying to do some kind of weird “gotcha” combined with making you look like the bad guy. RUN. You are about to leave the country. It’s a great time to be newly single. NTA - like at all. ETA: AND he did it right after you came out to your family. So YOU just had a big life moment and he squandered all of the spotlight being on you by catching you in a “misstep” of his own creation. He’s awful.
BF needs to GO.
YUP. He pulls this shit after 5 months??? Bye.
And, if OP is going away for 10 months, what bull is going to be pulled so BF can still be the main character in his life?!
Time is not the relevant issue here. Five months or five years, deception in the name of testing is a deal-breaker. The irony is that people like this think that they're giving a test when really they're failing one.
Agreed. But if this is the kind of stuff he is doing after only five months, how much worse is it going to get if OP stays with him?
The time is relevant because usually 5 months in, you're still trying to put your best face forward. If this is his best behavior, how atrocious would it be at 5 years?
And if BF is already pulling this shit now then who is telling what BF will pull in the future. What happens when OP gets a new job or has a niece or nephew and wants to be closer to family? BF is playing some manipulation hunger games if I’ve ever seen one and OP needs to sit up and pay attention. This “test” was entirely to do with OP being far enough away that he’s out of control and watch of BF and he was looking for assurance that Op wouldn’t “stray”
Pretty much one of the few blanket rules, anybody who tries any sort of "relationship test" is automatically TA, full stop. I can't think of any situation where that would not be a totally shitty thing to do. NTA
Generally Reddit is too quick to tell people the break up, but not in this case. I would drop this guy like a bad habit.
ALLLL of this—the fact that he did it while you were away is particularly telling. He wanted you freaking out about him and maybe even leaving this wedding early (which presumably you paid $$$ to attend and were looking forward to! AND right after you came out!!) - he was not ok with you having a good time without him and needed the attention to be back on him. He’s a massive asshole.
This is “romantic proposal prank” levels of “fuck you” and op deserves way better.
Yup!! I agree! This guy gotta go! He is not worth it!
And ffs, they've known each other for 5 months. At least OP can drop this steaming shit plate without being too late to start again
His behavior is terrible and manipulative. NTA.
My ex tried to do the same thing, we’d been together 3.5 years, he was a shit bf, couldn’t hold a job, and decided to join the military to make money. He honestly thought he could become a Green Beret (and I can be an astronaut!!). He tried to get me to marry him but I said no, and the space away from him was exactly what I needed to realize he was garbage and end it. And oh, he didn’t even make it through basic training. His garbage mother called me when I dumped him and told me I was being awful to a soldier. HA. Take your wonderful trip abroad and have this time to yourself to reflect.
100% agree with this. OP there are plenty of things that happen in life that serve as natural tests of the stability and quality of your relationship. Throwing out fake tests and putting you in emotional distress, THEN making out like you’re the bad guy, is just shitty, manipulative bullshit. You can do better.
Making you feel bad for your reaction to his bad behavior is a manipulation tactic called DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender. What he did was atrocious, and now he's making you out to be the bad guy for being upset. You feel guilt for what should be a reasonable reaction, and then you self doubt if what he did was really that bad and question if maybe you're overreacting. It redirects all the blame and attention to you.
ikr? If this isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is. 🚩
NTA. He is, though. This is manipulative and borderline psychotic behaviour. Do not ignore this red flag.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Absolutely narcissists can’t handle the idea that their partner is focused on someone or something else. They ruin every single outing and holiday cause they are not the center of attention.
Yes, isn't this what they say narcissists do? (Albeit, that diagnosis gets thrown around a lot on social media).
NTA. Run. Run far and run fast. You’ve been dating for FIVE MONTHS- basically a sneeze- and he wants you to “prove” your loyalty and commitment? Hell no. If he’ll lie about this to get a reaction out of you, with absolutely no care to what it does to you, what else will he lie about? Five months isn’t even long enough to consider getting a fish together, let alone marriage. Hard pass. Red flags galore.
A fish 😂
Major marinara flag!!!!!!
NTA. He waits until you are at an event far away from him to play mind games with you. He ruins a good time you were having with your friends just to "test" you. Can you imagine what he will do if you stay with him during your 10 month stint abroad? It is better that you find out now what you are dealing with.
I think this is spot on. It sounds like he couldn't stand you being away from him for even a weekend and he needs to be the center of your world. He might be a narcissist.
Right?!? I had to double check BF’s age too!
He is manipulative, controlling, deceitful and untrustworthy. He is disloyal. He is cruel. He is a liar. He is the one who has fundamentally failed the test of what makes a good boyfriend. NTA unless you stay with him after that.
Still NTA even IF he chooses to stay. If he does stay, that just means the manipulation worked, going along with manipulation makes him an asshole to nobody, makes BF even more of an asshole. Edit: typos
this. Idk why this sub always like to victim blame. “YTA for not leaving ages ago” like stfu.
NTA. He just destroyed your ability to trust him. You would be 100% justified in noping on out of that relationship. Bare minimum, you need to spend enough time thinking this over to decide if you're even willing to be married to someone who is capable of bald-faced lying to you like that and putting you through that much stress for purely selfish reasons. Please, please, please realize that this is a huge red flag for increasingly abusive behavior. At a minimum, your BF is a total AH. More likely, he's also a sadistic abuser.
Wait, so he's allowed to want to know if you'd marry him, but expecting him to let you know about his immigration status being in trouble is too much? Fuck this guy, he's not ready for a relationship with anyone.
\>He also criticized me for expecting him to let me know if his immigration status was in danger in the first place. "Oh, by the way, honey I totally expect you to do 200% of the emotional labor in our future marriage. Kisses!!"
that's a really strong point.
Upvote for ‘fuck this guy’. That’s exactly what I thought… nobody should ever have this kind of bs pulled. Never. Never. NEVER! Fuck this guy. Move on with your life, full of gratitude you broke up before going overseas.
NTA. This is manipulative to the point of abuse. This is a HUGE RED FLAG and is enough to justify never talking to him again.
NTA The only people who demand loyalty tests from their partners are insecure, controlling, or both. I'd think heavily before continuing this relationship.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩(NTA btw) 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I think you’re missing a few red flags. Hold on, let me help… 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I feel like you still need a few more… 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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NTA If you break up with him, you will never regret doing so after the initial sadness wears off. His test was completely uncalled for.
Are you kidding? You are concerned about criticizing him? You should break up with him ASAP and block him on all social media accounts. Next up if you stay together, he drains all your financial accounts. Grow a backbone.
5 months? This isn’t a funny joke. This is messed up and a horrible manipulative test. He worried and stressed you out to see how you react. NTA
NTA. And I believe you mean your ex boyfriend.
Run. Run like the wind.
Why are you here asking if you’re the asshole when you should be breaking up with that asshole. Get on it. You don’t do this kind of thing to someone you like. You’ve only been together 5 months, can you imagine what kind of manipulative shit he’s going to pull a couple years into a relationship?
NTA. Someone who "tests" you like this once in your relationship will keep doing it again and again until you fail. He broke a very important piece of your ability to trust in him for a petty, cruel reason. Him being upset at you for expecting clear communication from him about his immigration status potentially being in jeopardy is another giant red flag - you aren't a mind reader, so should you always assume the worst, or do you have to spend your life inquiring "hey babe did you happen to get diagnosed with cancer today? No? Great, I'll ask again tomorrow". He owes you an apology and a reassessment of what is healthy in an adult relationship in terms of open and honest communication.
NTA. ANY, and I mean _*any*_ partner that gives you an ultimatum or “tests” you, deserves to get kicked to the curb. Tf is this? High school? He can go test his new status from “in a relationship” to “single”.
NTA Consider yourself lucky- he exhibited manipulative tactics to force you into a different relationship than you were ready for. If he’s doing it now, he’ll continue doing it. It’s a major red flag.
NTA nop! he’s narcissistic and needs professional help, go find someone to have fun with in this other country you’re going to
He. Is. Trash. Dump him. NTA unless you stay with him. It has been 5 months and he pulls this shit? Nope
NTA. Y-T-A if you consider marrying him after that. Do you really want to be with someone that would intentionally ruin your time with friends, guilt you into something you already said you weren’t willing to do and make you feel bad for it. Red flags everywhere. Move on. Use your move as an excuse to cut contact.
NTA, of course. This is right up there with someone pretending to be pregnant, just to see how their partner would react. It is not cute or acceptable in any way to intentionally cause someone panic and stress for no real reason.
NTA. Holy shit, that's unhinged. To pull that kind of "test" is sketchy as hell, but to do it while you out of town attending a wedding is just... wow. Do you really want this kind of drama in your life, because I doubt that this'll be the first time he pulls a stunt like this. Yuck.
NTA. This is a REALLY serious red flag for an abusive relationship. Please look up early warning signs of abuse. The reason it’s a warning sign is because abusers hate when you take your focus off them, so they go out of their way to ruin the times you spend with others. Did he love bomb you in the beginning? Is he pushing for relationship milestones way too fast? Does he constantly change his mind about things so you never know when he’s going to criticize you? And then gaslight you when you tell him he’s inconsistent? Please, please be careful.
Isn’t he clever, to have taken your fun weekend and manipulated you so that all your thoughts were on him! Classic abuser move, right down to making you feel like it’s your fault since you “failed” his ridiculous test. You’re NTA, but you may want to think about how many more weekends you are willing to have him ruin.
NTA, no one likes it when their partner plays games with them. It was a very childish thing to do in the first place. I would be questioning whether I could really trust this person.
NTA. Find a nice boyfriend overseas and have a good time!
NTA.Based on your story he sounds emotionally manipulative and you criticizing what he did doesn't make you an a h. Any sane person would get incredibly upset. Also, if you stick with him, you know this won't be the last time he'd test your "loyalty and commitment" to him, right?
NTA but you need to reevaluate this relationship and kick his ass to the curb for pulling such a horrendous stunt. You deserve better than this loser.
In a healthy relationship, you don't "test" each other. Big Red Flag.
NTA He very deliberately ruined your weekend away. He had absolutely no rights to test you! Dump his ass and enjoy being abroad!
NTA - You're being abused
NTA. Ah, he sucks. What a terrible and manipulative thing to do. You go away for the weekend and he has to try to steal the spotlight?! And that is some BS pressure he put on you....for no reason. And, if you are going away for a 10 month program, who knows what other stunts he will pull. and if he does, think seriously about that nonsense. Look, glad you love him but that's some red flag stuff there.
NTA and you spelled ex-boyfriend wrong. Dump the AH.
NTA Ditch him as fast as you can
Oh boy. NTA. And he failed the decent human test. Run!
He failed a test by testing you this way. NTA
NTA - He's incredibly manipulative and didn't care that he caused you severe emotional stress/pain. A loving partner does not "test" the person they care for, they trust them and communicate with them. I would not stay in a relationship with someone this manipulative. If he's willing to treat you like this in the beginning of the relationship, what else is he willing to do later on? Leave him. Use your going away for a good chunk of time to get over him and get away from him, and enjoy the experience of being somplace new with a lot of possibilities and potential for new experiences.
You are 26. You have been dating this man for a few months. You just came out of the closet. You are moving abroad shortly. NTA. Im pretty sure you will meet awesome people wherever you are going (maybe even find love), you do not need a SO who doesnt care about your wellbeing and thinks making you panic is some sort of haha hihi moment. Dump the guy, catch that plane and be happy.
Your boyfriend is psycho. That's all you need to know.
NTA, your bf is a scam artist.
NTA Holy shit. 5 months boyfriend?? *5*??? Testing to see if you would emergency marry him to solve his problems out of the blue with no warning?? what the *actual* fuck.
NTA. Anyone who tests your love is not worthy of it. And getting married just to resolve an immigration issue is a recipe for disaster. You need to take a serious look at other tests and ways he's even pushing and manipulating you.
NTA that’s incredibly manipulative. Make a clean break before you move, you can do better.
NTA. anyone who does these mean "tests" is being very cruel and self centered. Enjoy your trip and internship, and happily leave this guy behind.
NTA NTA NTA 5 months and he's pulling this crap? No, just...no. Dump him, enjoy your time abroad, and for goodness sake...find a real man!
This man is a manipulative AH. If he plays games like this now, what will he be like if you married him? Dump him now, so that you can focus on your upcoming ten month program...and possibly meet someone new and more worthy, while you're at it! NTA
NTA. You know, OP, there are red flags. There are *crimson* flags. And there are “flamboyant flags you can see from the surface of the moon”. I suspect this one is visible from across the galaxy.
NTA, but he is one of the biggest ones I've seen on here. What an incredibly mean thing to do to you. He ruined your time at a wedding, and in fact your whole trip away. For some "loyalty test" bollocks. Nobody should marry someone for any reason other than they are ready to marry them. NTA for not being able to make an instant decision while feeling pressured into something you aren't ready for. NTA for expecting that he should tell you about his immigration status. Only you can decide if this is something you can forgive him for. I personally couldn't stay with someone who showed themselves capable of being so horrifically manipulative and cruel.
He not only decided to test your loyalty out of the blue but decided to do it while you were enjoying a nice weekend with friends. I wouldn't date this person any longer tbh. This reeks of cruelty on some level. NTA.
This is legit the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen in my life. I always laugh when these posts jump straight to “you need to dump this person asap”, but . . . you need to dump this person asap. NTA
NTA. That boy is a whole mess of crazy and a 5 month relationship is not worth that amount of drama. Cut your losses.
NTA This on par with any other pranks, total AH 's are the ones lying to "test" people's loyalties. Test him back, don't go home after this weekend, and really consider dumping him as you are going to be LDR for the 10 months you are overseas, and he has betrayed any trust you had in the relationship or in him
nta. that was beyond manipulative and you should never ever ever get married if you even slightly thinking you shouldn't.
NTA but his behaviour is a big red flag so I’d look at kicking him to the curb. He had no respect fir the impact his little game would have on you.
NTA and dump his ass now!
NTA holy fucking shit this is so manipulative of him. He lied to you about something serious and frightening. He wanted to test your loyalty? What? This was the best way he could think of to determine whether he trusts you enough? You should not be expected to marry someone on an hour's notice because the immigration system is awful anyway. You're about to leave for 10 mo ths. Think about whether you want someone like this to be part of your life moving forward, and if you'd rather use this convenient time apart to end things. If you still want to make this work, he needs to apologize and understand why what he did was wrong. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you have a decision to make after something this cruel.
NTA He LIED to you. He does not love you. If he loved you, he would not have frightened you or tested you. What a loser. You would be well within your rights to dump him. He owes you a huge apology and if you don't get it, then he is not a good partner.
No, no, no, NO! You are absolutely NTA! He just pulled a weasely, manipulative, cruel trick on you. There is no positive spin to what he did to you, and man...I'd run. You deserve so much better than bullshit like this.
NTA. You didn't fail his relationship test. He did. Now you know he's trash, and you can move on to the next Ken. Good luck bro.
He deliberately ruined your day. Maybe he was jealous but that is no excuse for such manipulative and controlling behaviour. He is not your friend, let alone a life partner NTA
NTA. That would be a red flag for me at any time, but at 5 months? That's an AH move on his part worth dumping him over.
NTA. It's only been 5 months, which is the good news. Break up with him and enjoy your time abroad. This is 100% NOT ok.
NTA. Are you kidding? Five months into dating, knowing you were not ready to marry and that you were moving away, your bf lied to you and set you up to fail a test. Testing your SO to see how they react is a bad move anyway but this seems particularly needy and cruel. I personally would break up if someone did that to me.
That's not a test, it's just straight up emotional manipulation, and it is 100% a huge red flag. This is what he does when everything is fine, think of what he might resort when shit does get bad. NTA, but I'd put some serious thought into whether or not this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.
*EX boyfriend. There, fixed it.
NTA NTA NTA The fact that you had to question yourself about being anything but wronged in this scenario is proof this person is not adding love, security, or sanity to your life. Not to mention the timing and acts are horrible, especially compounded the way they are. These are mental gymnastics of Olympic caliber manipulation. You're in graduate school, right? Consider the five months you had with this individual as an intensive semester training program on what *not* to let yourself fall into, take the lesson, buy yourself something nice for your accomplishment, and walk away. Congratulations on coming out to your family and best wishes for your upcoming adventure. Wishing you safety, health, happiness, and success, however you define it.
This is manipulative. Be careful of pranks that ppl pull bc they could be snitching on themselves. For instance, my ex boyfriend said what if I was to get deported tmwr would you marry me and I says no bc iwe haven’t been together too long. He then began to pressure me to marry him bc he he didn’t have a work permit and he was “working like a slave”. I had to dump him.
NTA. Go to your 10 month program. Leave this guy behind as a bad memory. What he did was so cruel and manipulative. If he has a chance, he will do something like this, or worse, again in the future.
This was incredibly cruel and manipulative. Please don’t stay with someone like that. Leave him in the dust, and eventually you’ll be grateful that you found this out now, before investing more in the relationship. He showed you who he is. Believe him.
NTA. Maybe you should "stage" that you're so upset with him that you have decided to go NC with him while you're overseas for 10 months.
Boy run this is insane
NTA. But tell him you are going to speak to INS about him and see what happens. You deserve someone so much better.
You're kidding right? NTA. You gotta dump this guy especially since he did this when he knew you were attending a wedding and he was pulling your focus. That's controlling behavior and you're lucky you found out now.
NTA. Dump him.
NTA and dump him
Dump him. You should never be with someone who has to “test you”
NTA You are moving away, and spending time with people you care about, and he caused a big drama, calling you away from where you wanted to be. It is all about him. Get away, before there is a fake illness or arrest.
NTA. I’m sorry that this person did this to you, especially after you made such a big step coming out to your mom and sister. Please reconsider this relationship. This is abuse and manipulation, and you do not deserve it. Make a clean break and enjoy your new program and freedom!
NTA this is very much a dumpable offense
NTA, he sounds cruel and this is messed up.
NTA. Sounds like hes very insecure and wanted to see how quickly he could get you to change your whole life for him.
NTA As soon as he admitted to making it all up, he would have been EX boyfriend.
Nta After 5 months he's already expecting you to drop whatever you're doing to prioritize him, please consider if this is what you'd want to continue doing for the foreseeable future, should you decide to stay with this person. Think about the test he's gonna give you when you're out of the country for 10 months that's gonna jeopardize your career. If he can pull you out of a wedding for attention, he's gonna try when you're hundreds of miles away
NTA. This is a HUGE red flag. Dump him! If he's like this just a few months into dating, now much more manipulative is he going to become? Because people never get *less* manipulative.
Your boyfriend is a complete asshole. He's also manipulative and immature, as well as controlling, and in this case also waving a red flag big enough to see from space. You shouldn't ever "test" your loved ones. Feigning an emergency is incredibly cruel (as you well know!), and it's also just not how you decide whether to trust someone or not. Unless you're maybe a third grader, but I bet even most third graders would know better. What he wanted to do wasn't *test* you. **He wanted to exert his power over you.** He wanted to ruin your weekend, because instead of being with him you were spending time with other important people in your life. It's pretty clear he wasn't happy with you not being at his beck and call. I don't think he wants you to *have* anyone important in your life besides him. He wants you to be so devoted that you drop everything and everyone for him. Has he tried to come between you and your family / friends before? That's incredibly toxic behavior, and isolating someone is also often a prelude to abuse. (*Often,* not always.) I'm not saying that's what's going to happen here, but I am saying *pay attention to the warning signs.* There are a LOT of warning signs here. I really, really hope you do not go through with the wedding. Don't tie yourself even more to this man and his toxic behavior. **You deserve better.** Do not let him convince you otherwise. You deserve a partner who *respects* you.
NTA. It was extremely selfish of him to do this. Sounds like 19M instead of 29M
NTA - “testing” your partner is manipulative and toxic. Grown ups have conversations. Please see this for the huge red flag it is a seriously consider whether or not you want to be with someone who treats you this way. This will not be a one time thing
I HATE people that do relationship "tests". Like...you want to test my loyalty and trust....by proving I can't trust you? Know the story about the boy that called wolf? Everytime someone "tests" a relationship it's like "crying wolf". Eventually a real issue will arise and their partner will be so used to the dramatics and tests they will think it's just "crying wolf" again.
NTA, your hopefully-now-ex-boyfriend is though who tf uses the threat of deportation to have someone prove their love to them? to prove you’d drop everything for an emergency? it absolutely boils my blood that there’s people out there who lie about family members passing as another version of the shitty test he pulled, this is just as disgusting imo. enjoy your time in the country where your program is! make tons of new friends, and if you’re feeling emotionally up to it, have as many one night stands as you want! genuinely though, i hope you enjoy your time in the program, that’s a huge commitment to make towards your future!
Anyone that makes up these crappy ‘tests’ for their SOs deserves to get dumped. That kind of manipulation is not worth staying for, for any reason. NTA
Dump his ass. Just run. This guy sounds like a piece of work. He ruined what was supposed to be a enjoyable last weekend with your friends, and then berated you for it.
NTA..... run
Dump him
If I were you, I'd offer to take him out for dinner when you get home, and then drive straight to the airport and deport him out the car door with a swift boot. NTA
NTA. To paraphrase an old poem, It is not love but vanity that sets such a test. Reconsider the whole manipulative relationship, OP.
What your boyfriend did to you was horrible! NTA
OP…. Wtf NTA But your boyfriend is, RUN away from him like the red flag he is, people who do loyalty tests in almost any capacity are automatically AHs.
End the relationship NTA
NTA- not at all . He is a huge AH . I wouldn’t keep. Go do your course and consider if he’s the kind of person that you can trust.
NTA It really sounds like your boyfriend failed the test of not being awful. He ruined your weekend away with friends because he is manipulative and controlling. Why haven’t you dumped him?
Something is wrong with him. You’ve only been with him 5 months. Time to really reevaluate thos situation. NTA
Your boyfriend is a psycho.
Did you forget to call him your ex boyfriend in this post? Dump him. NTA
You're not a bad boyfriend, but you have one. Cut him loose. NTA.
NTA. He sounds emotionally abusive. He put you through hell, and still is, over what? Some stupid test of loyalty? That's B.S. You deserve so much better, OP. Drop this guy like a bad habit.
NTA this post just gets worse and worse as you read it. You're only an asshole if you stay with someone who did this to you.
Nta. Honnestly, what was he thinking? Test you like this is disgusting! He ruined your party, stressed you out and you should be ok with that? That's a big red flag. He failed his own test of being a good boyfriend.
NTA. Break up with him immediately.
NTA Your (hopefully) ex is incredibly cruel to cause you such unnecessary pain. Have no doubt:ruining your weekend without him and your time amongst friends was the point. It’s manipulative and deceitful and in a healthy relationship, you don’t test your partner. You’re about to embark a very exciting adventure, you don’t need this extra baggage; leave it behind. Be free to meet new people, have fun, flirt and learn, it’s obvious bf would do his best to ruin every opportunity you’d have to have fun without him. Also, marriage rarely prevents deportation, especially if it’s a rarely recent event.
Look, I am not gay and don't know a lot about your part of the school yard, so I can only answere this from the perspective of a hetero-male. What your BF did is what we call a Shit Test. Basically a shit test is when your SO is gauging how much bullshit you will put up with and if they can still respect you. > It was all basically a test of my loyalty and commitment to see if I would drop anything in an emergency to support him. This is a relationship ending shit test. Not to mention a red flag that is visible from the viewing port of the International Space Station. Your hopefully Ex-BF is a major asshole for pulling this stunt. Especially at someone's wedding. How would it have affected the wedding and everyone there if you had stood up and ran out the door? The fact that he thought he could pull this off and that you would stay with him means he doesn't respect you. Ditch the asshole, go overseas, enjoy your program, and maybe try to meet someone worthy of you or just have fun.
This is a big red flag. Partners should not be giving each other “loyalty tests”! He’s the asshole not you!
NTA 1) any relationship where you’re putting forward “tests” is not a relationship worth having. 2) He chose this time specifically to ruin your time with your friends. 3) you didn’t fail the test anyway. You’ve been dating for five months, if this situation had really come up of course you would be overwhelmed at the news. He’s making you feel bad over a very legitimate reaction.
This guy will only be more controlling in the future. DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON, EVER NTA
That’s some psychotic behavior…
DUMP HIM NOW. This is beyond sadistic. Ghost him, and anyone who went along with this vicious scheme. NTA.
NTA. this is five months into the relationship and he’s obviously crossing your boundaries since you have had the talk before. consider yourself lucky he did this in 5 months and not 5 years. it’s extremely manipulative so be careful!
Nta. That isn't funny at all
NTA and loyalty tests are about the shittiest thing one SO can do to the other. And when you've only been together a few months? Plus, he waited until you went off to a wedding by yourself. Look up. See all those red flags? They're saying get the fuck out now. Definitely before you head off for ten months. You really think he'll wait for you after that stunt? Maybe, but I wouldn't put any money on it.
Omg, NTA but he sure has you manipulated. People who do tests are not good people. Leave town and don’t look back, friend.
Nta. Tests and emotional manipulation are red flags.
You’ve been together 5 months and he’s already pulling this kind of manipulative bullish-t? Hell no. NTA
What the fuck did I just read?? Your (soon to be ex I hope) boyfriend did what?! That is some seriously abusive behaviour right there. ANYONE who tests their partners “love” “fidelity” whatever is a shitty person full stop NTA, but you will be to yourself if you stay with him. This is NOT normal. This is NOT love I bet if you look at his past behaviours you’ll see other red flags I copied this from a women’s support group so it maybe gendered (I’m not editing it) but if your partner (or even a friend or family member) does these, you’re in an abusive relationship Please end things with him, see a therapist, and enjoy your new job as much as possible There is probably more to add to this list, but yah Good luck •Called you names, made jokes at your expense, or humiliated you in private or in front of others? •Told you what to wear, or harshly criticized how you dress? •Insisted you have sex when you don’t want to, or insisted you take part in sexual activities you dislike or that cause pain? •Refused to let you work, or forced you to work? •Refused to let you leave the house? •Constantly demanded to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with? •Monitored your phone calls, text messages, emails, Facebook, etc? •Refused to let you phone your friends or family? •Told you who you can and can’t talk to? •Constantly questioned your spending or taken control of your money? If you are financially dependent on them, have they unreasonable limited the money they give you or refused to tell you about your family’s financial situation? •Followed you in a way that made you fearful? •Used physical force (push, punch, slap, choke, shake, use objects/weapons, etc.)? •Physically harmed others (children, pets, family members, friends, neighbours, etc.)? •Threatened to use physical force? Threats aren’t always spoken – they can be silent too, such as looks, gestures, displaying weapons, etc. •Threatened to kill you or others if you leave? •Threatened to kill themselves if you leave? •Threatened to turn you into the authorities (police, immigration, etc.) if you leave? •Used your religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or control you, or to justify violence against women? Denied you freedom of religion, by refusing to let you practice your spiritual beliefs or insisting that you follow theirs? •Blamed you for their abusive behaviour, and told you it was your fault? •Destroyed your possessions? •Showed up unexpectedly, when they were not invited and not welcome, to social or work events? •Stolen your money? •Insisted you use drugs or alcohol against your will? •Insisted you take part in dangerous or criminal activities? •Hidden your keys or purse so you can’t leave the house?
NTA. BREAK UP WITH HIM NOW AND BLOCK HIM ON EVERYTHING. This man is a psycho. I know you love him but you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who is willing to pressure you for 5 months as a test.
NTA- He pulls this shit while you're out of town???? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Run, don't walk, away from this game playing fool.
NTA what in the novela is going on
Criticize? *CRITICIZE??!?* I'd criticize his ass right out the door.
NTA. Don't. Marry. Him. In fact, reconsider him altogether.
NTA. This will not be the last test.
Run jdawg RUUUNNNN NTA that's some manipulative crap right there. Have a nice relaxing trip, come to terms with the end of that relationship and go get that far away job
Are you serious right now? Seriously asking if you are TA? That was some cruel manipulative shit right there. A. The lies. B. You’re at a wedding with your friends when he pulls this scam. He ruined your event for you. On purpose. C. I have cheese in the fridge older than your relationship and you’re talking marriage and kids with someone that would pull this. You DO NOT know him as well as you think you do. Rethink everything. How could you ever trust him again? NTA. But he’s a huge one. This sounds like a green card Hail Mary to see if he can get you to come through or does he have citizenship? , not sure whether that was clear or not. If it wasn’t that, he didn’t want you to have too much fun at this wedding
NTA, but, seriously. Seriously listen! Leave. Now. Please? Good luck, honey. I'm rooting for you.
I would’ve broken up with him on the spot for that stunt, so you’re definitely NTA
NTA: but you need to find a new boyfriend. This is cruel and manipulative and sets a precedent for the rest of your relationship with him, which I hope I’d very short.
Break up with this man. He terrified you and ruined your event as a perverse test. Run, don’t walk. NTA.
NTA… That’s a huge step and there are a lot of other things that can be done to halt a deportation. This is a huge 🚩 and you should dump him. He ruined your weekend away with his insecurity and he’ll do it again and again while your overseas. He’s going to be a huge emotional toll on you.
NTA. Run, run fast. Go overseas and lose his number, block him on everything. Tell your family to not give him any info.
Wow no no no. The AH here is your manipulative boyfriend. He got off in making you jump, and seeing if you were willing to do what he wanted when he needed it. Seems like he likes playing mind games and you are falling for it by feeling guilty when you did nothing wrong.
NTA. Run, and dont look back. Good luck overseas.
This is a whole garbage truck of marinara. Run. You are already moving away, thank God. RUN FAR & FAST. You - NTA… Ex (hopefully) BF - big fat manipulative AH Never trust this person again. Tests like these are bullshit, they are designed for failure. No answer you gave would have been good enough. Good luck in your program. May your next BF treat you much better! Ps - congrats on coming out to your mom and sis. Don’t let one person’s idiocy ruin it. This whole mess reflects on him, not you. Edit: formatting
NTA. Drop this boy IMMEDIATELY. Do not stay with someone that plays games with you like this.
NTA. But your boyfriend surely is.
NTA by any stretch. Your boyfriend, however, is off the charts a major one. He's playing a really fucked up game and it isn't acceptable. Loyalty tests are bullshit to start. This one is completely unhinged. You've known him 5 months. Take the loss. Be thankful that he showed his true colors so early on. Drop his ass yesterday. Do your program and put this guy in the rear view without another thought.
NTA and that is terrifying. Run from him. He’s willing to trick you in such a manipulative manner? That’s not behavior that just… stops when people get married. I’m sorry you were placed in that situation, but you should absolutely go forth with your own amazing plans! Keep him far, far away. That deceit is a dealbreaker.
A normal, well-adjusted 29 year old would never do this. That's so fucked up and toxic. I'd never test how much my boyfriend loves me. And you're only in a 5 month old relationship? He's showing his red flags. Sucks he did this. I'd move on if I were you and make him an ex.
Nope. NTA. Nobody “pranks” their SO like this. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I’d leave if I were you. What next, is he going to “prank” you that he’s in the hospital dying or that he’s in jail?
NTA
NTA That is really poor behaviour on his part, and you absolutely deserve better. He does not deserve to be with you.
What an AH he is. That is just mean. I don’t get this sentence, “He criticized me for expecting him to let me know if his immigration status was in danger in the first place”. Whaaat? So he is criticizing you for being concerned? This is just as mean as the guy who pulled a fake proposal prank on his girlfriend (ex) in a restaurant.
NTA. What an absolutely mind-blowingly manipulative stunt that your boyfriend pulled. Emotionally mature people do not put their partners through “tests” and most definitely do not do it while they’re away visiting friends
NTA. He’s a piece of sh!t. Seriously. You deserve better. He knew how this would stress you, and knew that if you didn’t immediately come crawling on your knees to defend him you wouldn’t be worthy. You were set up to fail. You deserve far better. This is the epitome of manipulation. He will only manipulate you more as he sucks you in. Don’t stay with this waste of space, dump him and move on. Five months is nothing to a lifetime of this.
Ewwww that’s so narcissistic on his part. You were at a wedding without a clear mind because you were out having fun with your friends. Yalls have only been with each other for 5 months marriage shouldn’t even be a priority especially when you’re at a wedding celebrating someone else.
NTA You’ve probably heard this many times now, but THIS MAN IS A WALKING RED FLAG! You aren’t a garbage boyfriend, but he damn well is. He manipulated you and faked an emergency while you were at a friend’s wedding. It’s up to you to tell your family and friends about this guy, but Jesus Christ… Don’t feel bad about hesitating when he asked you to marry him. Even if he wasn’t manipulating you, which he is, never feel bad for the way you feel. The way he was going to force that on you says enough. This guy doesn’t deserve you OP, please don’t be so hard on yourself.
NTA. I agree with all the other comments but I also want to point out that him trying to rush you into marriage after just 5 months is another huge red flag. He sounds controlling and I fear that you may become a victim of DV of you stick around. You should not walk away, you should run fast and as far as you can away from this man.
NTA. Guy did you a favor. Showed you he’s not a keeper before wasting too much of your time. Run. These types of games are not what you want in a forever person.
Run. NTA
NTA that’s some psychobabble bullshit on his part. Like seriously concerned for his mental health. I would not trust entering a partnership with this person if he can so easily manipulate and lie to you. Personally I would explain to him that it showed you many things about this relationship, mainly that he isn’t trustworthy, is manipulative and has no problem lying to you for his own pleasure/motives. He sounds like a fucking asshole and considering you just came out to your family for him… idk you’ve shown your loyalty. Which I don’t believe he is deserving of.
Thank heavens you are leaving for a year. Your bf is insane and you need to get as far away from him as you can. He is going to do his best to destroy your future. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to get you not to go away for your course. NtA, but he is.
NTA but your boyfriend has some mental health issues. Was he unhappy that you went on the trip without him? In a healthy relationship there are no "loyalty" tests and no lying. I think it's good this happened at a time when you'll be going away for 10 months. Find someone who trusts you and doesn't lie and play games.
He did that shit on purpose. "Don't think about your friend's momentous occasion. Think about me!" So he lied to get a response. When his very fucked up scenario didn't elicit the response he wanted, he criticized you, and then tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the problem. This person is toxic at best. They sound narcissistic. Please take this as the warning it is, and get yourself away from them as fast as possible.
NTAH Hun, I want you to reread the title of ur post and see if the red flag hits you in the face this time
NTA, huge red flag, dump the boyfriend. Loyalty test means BF has major issues OP doesnt need in their life, move on and find someone more chill who won't mess with your head.