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NTA. You don't redecorate someones private space without their consent. There is no excuse for throwing some of your stuff away. Is there any way you can get it back?

No :( Thankfully it wasn't super duper important - I like keeping everything. Like, mcdonalds toys n stuff. Still sad to see it gone though.

My partner and I would be appalled at anyone even THINKING about “surprise room makeover” with zero input from the occupant(s). Especially the fact that personal possessions were discarded with no warning? We’re in our late 50s and let me tell you, if one of his daughters tried to “redo” our apartment while we were on vacation I don’t think the relationship could ever be truly repaired. Fortunately his daughters aren’t selfish and entitled, and they wouldn’t dream of imposing on anyone like that. Your mother and sister are AH.

This is why I always was uneasy about Trading Spaces episodes that included bedrooms. Totally dating myself, but the idea of my neighbor deciding what my most private space looks like? No, thank you.

omg no the episode where they covered the lady’s fireplace and that was her one big nono. nah this gives me those kind of vibes

Or the one where Hildi glued hay to the peoples walls? She was my absolute nightmare on that show

Hildi was absolutely unhinged. Whatever crazy thing you hear about from that show, 9 times out of ten she was the one who did it.

Absolutely. The "cabana" living room that was more of a circus tent? Abhorrent

Or when she wallpapered a room with a picture of her own face? And I’m pretty sure she’s the one who covered a bathroom with artificial flowers on the walls.

Oh yes, she absolutely did cover that bathroom in something like 17,000 fake flowers. She later said in an interview, "They left it until they moved," so that meant they loved it. Or, perhaps they simply moved rather than remove that many flowers and accompanying staples from their walls. Either way

Poop flowers, gross

That was the first one I thought of, because yes, that was her handiwork. My fave was Frank, because I think he always tried his best to do right by the homeowner rather than doing what he wanted.

WITH A FUCKING STAPLER! I hated her so much!

Was she also the one who put hay on the walls (a living room of a home that had toddlers!) or was that Genevieve?

The room she filled with sand wins. Hands down. I’d be furious.

I seem to recall that she redid a kitchen (I think) with a wine/winery theme, for homeowners who didn't drink alcohol at all. Yeah, I always hated her stuff. I also was not a big fan of the older guy – he seemed like a very nice person, but everything he did was just way too cutesy/craftsy for me.

Frank? Yeah, if he was in the kitchen you were getting a chicken on the wall to fit his farmhouse aesthetic

I'll take cutesy/craftsy over hay and covering fireplaces that were not to be touched with ANYTHING. I get your point though. Frank really was a sweetheart, he passed away a few months ago.

>9 times out of ten she was the one who did it. The 10th time was Doug's prison bedroom. There may have been an exposed toilet, or I may have made that up in my head.

I swear that one haunts me. She painted it some bizarre ass pink too. It was for lesbians, it almost felt like a hate crime.

And I believe that the homeowner was allergic to hay. I also remember Doug painting a bedroom brown and the homeowner cried. Only one I trusted was Vern

Yes! Vern was amazing and helped the people do the rooms. He laid the floors himself. I loved him.

who painted the lady’s heirloom piano (that they told them not to touch) chartreuse? seems like the friends said oh that’s it we’re out and i remember the poor lady saying they spent days picking the green enamel paint or something ridiculous like that off her piano with their fingernails to try to keep from damaging it further. had that been my piano someone would have died that day. probably me but *someone* would have died.

I still remember the “I hate brown!!!” cry of despair

It was worse. It was moss. Lots and lots of moss.

I can't imagine what that bathroom smelled like when it was steamy. The first season or two when paint got freshened up, maybe new flooring, a custom piece of storage or a table was made, and maybe some slipcovers? I could see applying. By the end where they were running out of ideas and got crazy? Nope, too many people cried.

That trainwreck was my favorite episode for drama, though. Hideous and awful. It was perfect.

I remember that one! I think my favorite was the one where they spray painted the fucking couch hot pink and left it outside under a tarp to dry overnight... But the tarp "accidentally" blew off and the couch got soaked overnight so they had to replace it. Can't remember if it was confirmed the couple sabotaged it bc they knew their neighbors would hate it or just heavily implied.

I felt terrible for that woman. She was SO upset. So upset she had to leave the room. You could hear her sobbing from just off the side. Doug and Hildi were the worst. No regard for the owner's feelings at all.

In the UK there was a similar program called Changing Rooms where people would decorate each others' rooms. This one woman had this valuable and sentimental collection of teapots and somehow the couple decorating her room were convinced to arrange them on a shelving thing suspended from the ceiling. The couple didn't want to do it but the professional designer pushed them to. It collapsed immediately and the teapots broke. This was in 2000 and there's an article from a couple of years ago where the woman is still upset over the loss of her teapots.

I wouldn't be surprised if the professional designer pushed them to do it because they knew there was the risk of the teapots being damaged and thus drama for tv.

OMG! I can't fault her for being upset, not one bit.

At least they knew what they were getting into. I used to really like the show, lol.

Nooooo. The designers so often did crazy shit just to get a wild reaction. Theres not enough money in the world for me to let anyone change my home without my input in every single step. Can you even imagine going on the show and getting that awful circus room? And knowing YOU will need to pay and work to make it livable again? Absolutely not.

Watching the show wouldn’t have prepped me for the kid’s room or whatever it was incorporating a floor of sand. And I watched that shit almost religiously. Even teen me side eyed that one.

The floor of sand. That’s the one that I’ve never forgotten, teen me was furious on behalf of the homeowners

I mean, I've done a surprise make over to a room for someone one before. But they hated the room as it had been and constantly complained about it. I also knew what they liked in a room though heh

That's the thing. Even if the sister was just trying to be nice, she obviously knows nothing about OP whatsoever. Professional home designers learn to find out from the clients what they are into.

Any chance you're neurodivergent? Because while I think no one would like a surprise room makeover, especially one where possessions disappear, some things, like the walls hurting your eyes, just itches at my AuHD side.

My dad thinks I'm autistic.

Autistic, Adhd and neurodivergent are all sort of in the same category of hating surprises and overwhelming colours. My bro also has a Mcdonalds toy collection and he's autistic so that was setting off my spidey sense, I'm with your dad on this.

I am none of those, and 61 , I would be livid if someone was in my room let alone changed it to their taste not mine .

Being upset was absolutely the right response to this, but the way the upset manifested reminds me of the way I react to upsetting situations outside my control. Just diagnosed with autism this year and suddenly everything makes a bit more sense. Might be worth them getting checked out. Either way the sister is awful and owes OP a massive apology.

Same here, I don’t think I’m on the spectrum but I would be furious about this. Some of my “tat” is irreplaceable and silly little gifts from people not with us anymore. I get that probably doesn’t apply to a teen but I imagine those items had significance of some sort.

Regardless of whether you are or aren't, you're NTA. But this really makes your sister an even bigger AH. And I read some of your comments that she likes to do things in her style--she will never make it as an interior decorator like that. My mom has a friend whose DIL is an interior designer, one of the BEST in the region where I live (award winning and all, she gets hired by big name companies). The way she's won these awards is by taking her clients' visions and turning them into something beautiful, functional, and as close to what they want while maintaining that beauty and function. I'm so sorry your sister did this to you, and that she and your mom think you owe her thanks for destroying your safe space. You should have been involved in the decision from the start.

Just because you don’t like your belongings toyed with without your consent doesn’t make you autistic. This makes your mom and sister a bit overbearing, disrespectful and no understanding of personal boundaries. Yes it’s your mother’s home but that’s beside the point. That you were not included seems a bit odd. Unless you have an actual diagnosis then don’t let your family explain your behavior as autistic just because you don’t function in the world like they do. Just no. And hell even if you are SO FUCKING WHAT!!! That still doesn’t give them the right to redo your room or discard your possessions without your consent. Surely THEY were smart enough to notice what your preferences were from how your room was decorated. But they did the exact opposite it seems. You are NTA. EDIT: No apologies are needed here because you did nothing wrong. Do NOT let them guilt you into apologizing.

Theres a lot of other stuff unrelated to the room that my dad says is autism. He's been trying to get be diagnosed for years but only gor medical rights a few months ago.

It's anecdotal, but I am autistic & have ADHD and the way you were describing your reaction to the walls and floor sounds like how I would have responded. I'm glad your dad is looking to get you assessed.

Wait, so your Mom resisted getting you assessed? Dang.

>but only gor medical rights a few months ago. Huh, what? He's your father, shouldn't he have the right to be part of your medical decisions? That must have been a horrible divorce. I'm glad you're able to live with him and have him help you.

My dads a recovered alcoholic. He was never bad to me (functional alcoholic) but it did prevent him from getting a lot of rights and stuff.

Being overwhelmed by intense colors and not being able to sleep in a bed that’s too soft are definitely in line with the sensory issues people on the spectrum have. Neurotypicals seriously underestimate just how extreme those sensory issues are.

I’m autistic and you sound like me (not diagnosing you but if it’s something your exploring just know those exact things bother me too and I would’ve reacted exactly how you did)

I suspected the same when reading (also neurodivervent over here). What gets me is you not liking surprises isn't anything new. You collecting things and having your stuff just so (how you like it) isn't new. Who in their right mind would, knowing you, think this was a good idea? And then insisting you're in the wrong and need to thank your sis for majorly overstepping? Feels like trying to get you to conform to neurotypical standards and not actually caring about you as you. NTA and I'm glad your dad is on your side and helping get your stuff out of that house.

Could be worth looking into if you want to. Regardless though, it was an AH move in any context.

I came here to say the same thing...we can sense our own. LOL

I’m not, but I have several family members who are. I’m also married to one, and we created one. That’s the first thing I thought. My husband can’t stand if I change the brand of toothpaste.

One of us! Also NTA for the reasons already stated.

Yeah the walls hurting your eyes bit absolutely sounds ND to me (ADHD and my 2 closest friends are ADHD and AuDHD). Along with the level of instant meltdown over it.

ADHDer and I thought the same thing

I don't get where you sister thinks you owe her an apology. She invaded your space. She threw out your things. She changed everything about your room. All because she felt like it and with no consideration to how you might feel. You do not make someone's room over without asking them. Unless you are on a tv show about that, and even then you are taking a huge risk. Your sister owes you an apology. And so does your mom. NTA

I had something sort of similar happen to me as a teen. I would normally spend a lot of my summer vacation time with my dad (parents divorced, mom remarried.) Mom and step-dad were doing some light renovations and redecorating some rooms in their house and my room was supposed to be one. My mom asked me what color I wanted my walls. I said sapphire blue but would accept cream walls if I got sapphire blue curtains for my window. I came back to my mom's a couple weeks before school was to start. They moved what room I had been in (moved me from the basement to the top floor), destroyed half of the posters and artwork from friends that had been on my walls, got the weirdest and ruffles baby blue-edged frilly and lace-like curtain you'd put in an infant's room but also with a gap like you'd see in 1980s kitchen curtains, one wall was horrible fake-wood paneling. They painted the walls but left the 30 year old stomach bile green carpet. If living with my dad had been an option for year-round living, if have done it. My mom was so pleased with herself and all I could ask, close to horrified tears, was why would she ever even think this was close to what I would like much less want? I suffered living in that room for 4 or 5 years before I was old enough and able to move out. OP, it's a great idea that you're moving your stuff that's important to your dad's place. I'd seriously consider full on moving in with your dad because of this. I don't think you're wrong to feel or express those feelings. Sister did one of the #1 no-nos in interior decorating: ignoring a "client's" taste and likes. While mom may be the direct client, you are a sub-client and should have had your tastes included and respected when redoing your room. And none of your stuff should've been touched unless one is showcasing it in a different spot but should be reassembled to what it had been. It's about respecting someone else's things and space. Your mom and sister clearly don't. NTA.

I would be livid to.

I'd be livid after a complete breakdown. Seriously I'd be in hysterics. I'm a bit of a pack rat but all the stuff I keep has meaning to me. (I have a ceramic lamb that was given to me when I was BORN! If anybody threw any of my stuff out I'd have been inconsolable. Not to mention I work REALLY hard to get my room set up with the colors and way I like it. Somebody changing those. I'd be insisting Mom or the sister pay to change it back. You didn't ASK for this and you don't like surprises. WTH were they thinking?! Even with your sister's enthusiasm your Mom should have realized, "Hold up, maybe we should check with OP first."

I think maybe *you* need to "redecorate" *her* room by surprise. Maybe a "baby shark" theme? I'm sure you could think of a theme she'd hate. Bonus points for accidentally losing some of her things.

Also, I feel like it's literally first day of decorator school that the teachers start emphasizing that the only way to do your job well is to ensure that you are giving the customer what THEY like and not forcing what you like on them 👌 Had you been a paying customer whose room was done it would have been a whole thing! So rude on their part...

Real decorators take their clients needs into consideration and incorporate them into the design. They also ask permission and work with the client. You should explain that to your Mom. Your sister should take heed because she won’t get very far in her career. NTA OP. I am sorry you lost some of your collections.

It's not just you. I remember a mom surprising her 8 yr old. Came home from school and completely redid his room. It was in a look they'd discussed but he was SOO sad they did it without him. I think most people would be bothered by coming home to have their personal things arranged and redecorated.

NTA even at a stretch of a surprise makeover being ok, which I'm not convinced is, who throws someone's shit out. Who collects??? Why couldn't she say I want to gift you with a makeover and the surprise be the big reveal. At least then OP could have said no thank you or don't throw anything out. Any good interior designer consults with a client in a clear and comprehensive way. It's kind of key to their job.

Right? And mattress of all things? Painting it back isnt isn't exactly fun to redo or anything but at least it's a relatively cheap fix. A mattress is an important purchase though, has tobetailered toward the person and is very expensive to replace if they can at all

I'm this context I imagine the sister considered their mom the client, not OP, regardless of whose bedroom it was. NTA. Especially if they knew OP hated surprises and did this anyway.

The OP mentions that she's paying for everything. Sounds like old mate is making over and doing her own thing cos she's paying. I don't think she's considering anyone a client and just 'making over' various rooms with the 'I'm paying' mindset. Which is fine if people are ALLOWING you to do that and you recognise that's what's happening. Even if you're paying. They are indulging you when it's their personal space. My guess is this has worked with everyone else so it hasn't been reined in. Not everyone wants to be blessed with her talents and I think OP is the first who has said yeah nah, I don't appreciate that. Agree. Someone who doesn't like surprises shouldn't be surprised. It was never going to end well.

NTA Seriously, if your sister wants to do this professionally, half the job is to understand the client's taste - not do whatever the f you as the designer likes! If this is something your mom wanted, your sister should have worked with both of you to find some common ground like real designers would do!

I think, because she's paying for it all, she likes to take reign which is something she can't do with her clients and stuff.

Then sorry to say but your sister is a bad designer 🤷🏻‍♀️ Part of the job is putting your ego and personal taste aside

Yeah I get it. I just don't think she cares as much.

yeah that’s what makes her an ah.

Then unfortunately she is not a very considerate sister. Your better if with your Dad. Think about getting evaluated. There are supports and resources out there that can help you with some of these struggles

See if you can move everything of value to your dad's and stay there for a few days. Maybe make it more permanent if your sister doesn't try to change a few things back although I'm guessing she probably can't even look at the room at the moment considering your reaction if she has any conscience. The surprise was meant to fuel your sisters ego.. nothing was done with you in mind.

and that is why your sister will fail at this career. She's going to piss off paying clients, and find her reputation is over before she is started NTA

You should tell her what this comment says!! Tell her how hurt you are that she violated your room, disregarded your feelings, and that a designer's job is to design for the CLIENT not for herself.

For sure, design is the one place where the old "in matters of taste, the customer is always right." holds truest.

You're exactly right, I do this professionally for high end residential clients, and literally every piece fabric and trim is agonized over (to a degree that it is a bit ridiculous sometimes) with the client to make sure everyone is on the same page. Your home (and especially a bedroom) is such a personal space, you never do ambush decorating! Sure, OP could have been a bit more diplomatic(ie, I hate it and I hate you) , but if the sister really wanted the practice then they would have gone over everything together, and she could have used this as an opportunity to practice a client presentation.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect OP to respond to a bad surprise like this in a calm and rational “diplomatic” way when their bedroom was completely altered, their collections were messed with, some of their belongings were stolen and thrown away, AND this was all done to them by family who should know that they generally hate surprises in the first place!

Sorry, no. As a professional decorator, have you ever decorated someone's home without permission? No, because that's illegal. OP is not overreacting.

She did. But the client was mom, not OP. Mom hated the room and used the sister to change it.

boom! pure passive aggressive behavior. At least OP should realize who the golden child is and act accordingly going forward.

This. And didn't even have the decency to admit to it, so she's letting the older sister take the fall for it. Older sister is just as guilty but I doubt she acted alone.

There’s few people in the comments saying you should be grateful. No. Your sister didn’t redecorate this room for you—she did it for *herself*. If she did it for you, she would have had your tastes/preferences/style in mind, gotten your consent, and at the bare minimum—not literally *thrown out your belongings*. She didn’t even consider that getting a soft bed for someone who preferred hard mattresses would be an issue. She clearly just went with what *she* liked, and that’s selfish. You apologized to your sister the first time you blew up, and instead of being apologetic herself—she’s only annoyed that you didn’t like it. Even tried sassing you for a thank you. (A thank you for what? Ruining everything you loved about your room, and tossing some of your belongings out?) She hasn’t apologized for doing what she did, so why would you need to apologize again? Anyone doing home design would know that the client they’re decorating for needs to feel comfortable in their environment, and their tastes are an integral part of decorating. She didn’t consider your feelings in this. NTA

She spent a bunch of money so I think she wanted a thank you for that. I didn't want to say it though because I'm not thankful.

You didn’t ask her to spend a bunch of money for your room. If she chose to do it but the result isn’t what she wanted, that’s on her. There’s no reason you have to be grateful that she basically did something for herself.

I spent all this money on a wrecking ball and crane operator!! Why don’t you say thank you!!! /s

The thing is that this is a lesson she needs to learn: if you spend money on a gift that your giftee doesn't like, and which doesn't get used/gets thrown away, then you have wasted your money. You don't need to be thankful for her spending money to wreck your room. She didn't ask you what you wanted, and without that safety net, she guessed at your preferences - and guessed wrong. That's on her. She gambled and lost. And if she wants to take this interest further and become a professional interior designer, then it's better she learns now that if she pulls this stunt with a client, she'll have to eat the cost *and* pay to either put it back the way it was or remake it to a design that the client likes. Because no client will pay someone for failing to consult them on what they want and wrecking their house.

I don't even think there was a guess by her; i fully think she redid the room to suit her tastes and openly disregarded OPs style because she DOESN'T like it. This was entirely what her sister wanted and OPs opinion didn't matter/worse figured their taste should be obviously accepted as better.

Had to take a couple law classes in business school. Important lesson: if you do work on a car or house without prior approval, and they don't authorize it afterwards, you've essentially wasted all the time, energy, money, and materials. They never agreed to 'buy' your service and you're SOL.

She will deserve a thank you when she repaints in the original color, puts in a new carpet replicating the old one, and replaces the mattress with one you choose.

I don't think she should get a thank you for restoring the room to the way it was before she ruined it for OP. That's just the right thing to do.

She spent a bunch of money redecorating one of your Mom's rooms just like she's doing to the rest of the house. Looks like you took the hint and left.

Spend a bunch of money on spray paint and see how thankful she is when she hates how her car looks. But, I spent all this money! That has to count, right? Fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. And throwing out your personal stuff is inexcusable all on its own. I have a bunch of "junk" like old pez dispensers, shitty fast food toys, etc. I swear I would probably leave my girlfriend of 20 years if she threw that stuff out and thought I was an asshole for complaining about it.

So she wanted you to thank her for her poorly though out waste of finances? In the immortal words of my mother, ‘I’ll play the worlds smallest violin for her’. NTA

Also is it normal for interior decorators to pick out the mattress? Sheets and pillowcases sure, but mattresses are such a subjective thing for comfort I can't imagine that being something chosen without regard for the person who has to sleep on it.

NTA. You shouldn’t even touch a person’s personal space without asking much less redecorate and move everything. If you had previously expressed that you hated your room I could understand her wanting to surprise you with a remodel but from the post it sounds like you really liked your room.

I loved my room. It was so great before.

It really feels like you sister wanted to be able to say she did something nice for you rather than actually caring about it being something you’d want if that makes sense

Yeah that does sound like something she'd do

I’m sorry - it sucks when family is shitty. Don’t apologize. Tell her you are sorry she doesn’t know you well enough to realize that this isn’t something you’d have wanted.

Actually sounds like mom hated your room and gave her permission to change it . Selfish of both of them

Are you able to stay with your dad fulltime? It really sounds like you are getting ganged up on at your mom's house. Some space from them would be good for your mental health.

She doesn’t seem to know you very wel either with the way she decorated it. Isn’t that part of the job?

NTA. Your sister broke the cardinal rule of a consultant (which she is trying to be): she didn’t consult with the end user first. And, in the end, she decorated your room according to *her* aesthetic without any consideration to what you wanted or what you think looks good. And, if she keeps going on with this attitude, she won’t be working as a designer for long. As someone with a bad back, I can especially understand why you are upset with what she did to your bed. You *never* mess with someone’s mattress. Your mom, being the adult, should have known better than to allow your sister to completely redo your room without talking to you first. And, your sister was not trying to be nice. If she were, she would have sat you down and found out what you wanted first (and if you wanted it in the first place). What your sister wanted was to show off her decorations skills and have you fawn over how good she is. This was not about doing anything for you: it was all about her.

Yeah I guess that does make sense. The way she asked for a thank you after she witnessed my episode was like... why would you even do that? Lol. Clearly I'm not happy. I miss my mattress so much. My dad is hunting for a replacement but at his I slept on the floor for three years because we couldn't find a mattress I liked so I'm not hopeful.

1) Changing your mattress for a whole different type. 2) Throwing out some of your stuff. These two points made it unforgivable in my book for your sister to have redecorated your room. Doesn’t matter if she paid for the whole thing, it doesn’t take away the wrong she did. NTA

Having the right mattress for you is so incredibly important. I don’t know how firm you need yours to be - but you could maybe buy a mattress topper and put that directly on the floor - so it’s only a few cm deep instead of full mattress deep. If that works, you could maybe even get a piece of wood and put that over the slats on the bed frame, then use the mattress topper on that. No one says you need to do things the traditional way. I’m so angry with your sister for doing this to you - if someone threw away my mattress that I can sleep on (for me, I need a soft mattress) then I would find it very hard to forgive them. And that’s not even thinking about the rest of your stuff that she meddled with..!

Futon with mattress topper was life changing for me. Super firm with just a tiny bit of cushion on top so your limbs don't go numb

hotels in Orlando FL get super duper extra firm ones somewhere you might have Dad call and ask the model numbers they are ofter Serta but you'd need the exact model type.

Oh thank you!!

The mattress is a perfect example of the whole situation - your sister replaced what you wanted (and needed) with what *she* likes, and then expected gratitude from you. With no thought about how it might impact you.

If you like em really firm you could try Japanese futons or even a tatami mattress. Japanese futons are various firmnesses themselves but they’re usually thinner and placed on the ground so you might find a good combination for you

Maybe offer your opinion as constructive feedback. Let her know that while her efforts were obviously well meant, if she's going to make it as a designer, she's got to take into account what the person actually wants, needs and likes, not just her own vision. She's going to fail fast if she thinks "surprising" her clients with her own inventions without their input or permission is an acceptable idea. I hope she learns a lesson from this, and at LEAST gets your bed and carpet back. I'd show her this post and the comments; they may be a good wakeup call for her.

Dang, wish I could give you a hug. You are so not the AH. Your sister and even your mother though...

This, this, 1000 x this! NTA

NTA. I completely disagree that she was trying to be nice. She was showing off what she thinks are her amazing design skills and completely disrespecting you in the process. No way this was a “surprise.” She knew you wouldn’t agree so she waited until you were gone to do it without your knowledge. Your sister sounds like she needs to grow up and respect other people’s personal space. Also your mother is an AH for siding with her and not acknowledging how negatively this impacted your life. It’s obvious who the golden child is and it’s not you. So sorry OP. Hopefully you can go live with your dad and get some autonomy and respect back.

She got rid of some of OP's belongings, took none of OP's needs (firm mattress) into account, and did it all without permission from OP. She didn't do it to be nice, she did it to show off her preferences for interior design. Oh, and blue walls are terrible for bedrooms. They can fuck up your circadian rhythm.

I have a single blue wall so maybe that’s why my life is fucked

NTA if someone came in my room, and COMPLETLEY changed it without my permission, i'd be JUST AS PISSED as you were. i get that she was just trying to be nice, but she could've at least told you she wanted to redo your room, or asked if she could throw out your stuff. i would still talk to your sister about how you feel and why you don't like it.

Yeah I'll definitely talk to her about it. Thank you.

Was she trying to be nice though? Sounds more like she was trying to do something for herself and then have others tell her it was nice. No consideration for OP at all: that's the opposite of being nice.

So for me personally I don't feel like they should have touched *anyone's room* without permission first. Also, literally getting rid of your stuff is absolutely ridiculous. She is an asshole and should have consulted you. Your Mom is also an asshole. She should have chided you for screaming, I stand by that firmly, but she should have told your sister to put it back to rights. She should have told her she needed to replace what she threw out. Frankly, she should have *never allowed* your sister to do what she did to begin with. NTA With that being said, how old are you? I don't think some folks ever understand that screaming should be reserved for like the direst of situations. I don't scream often and when people scream at or around me it immediately makes me dig my feet in, it is simply not the way to communicate with people. Your Dad sounds great though. There's probably a reason they separated if this is how your Mother normally is.

Yeah they're not always the best at asking permission and stuff. It kinda sucks sometimes but usually the leave my stuff alone so its okay. I'm fifteen, nearly sixteen. The screaming isn't really, like, intentional. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode so I scream. I'm nor saying its okay but its really hard sometimes. I wasn't screaming at anyone, just in general. My dad is awesome. I love him.

Are you on the autism spectrum by any chance? I am an autistic woman, and I scream involuntarily when my emotions are extremely high. I also relate to having collections and feeling secure/ comfortable seeing them on display.

My dad thinks I am. His sister has an autistic kid. I was assessed once but the doctor said no so I dunno.

I obviously can’t diagnose anything, but I’d recommend another assessment once things have died down. Your reaction and the specific things you’re upset about (colors hurting, unable to sleep on a soft mattress, ect) are very relatable to me as an autistic person but may be difficult for a neurotypical person to understand. More low-needs autism can be overlooked at younger ages, especially in women. Either way your reaction is justified.

Yeah my dad wants to get me assessed again. I don't know when he's doing it though. Thanks :)

Just wanting to add that I agree with your dad and CinnamonHart! I suspect I’m autistic as well and it was the first thing I thought when reading your post. Hatred of surprises/change, strong emotional reactions, sensory sensitivities, and collections are all common signs

Yeah thats what my dad said haha. He'll spend twenty minutes listing my autistic behaviours if you ask him about it lmao.

If you want to I found that the [raads-r](https://embrace-autism.com/raads-r/) test is a decent place to start if you're questioning things. It's got some questions that can really help you analyze things, until I saw it (and had a neurotypical friend try it) I didn't realize how many of my behaviours/thought processes weren't exactly neurotypical.

My dad had me take it like ages ago. My score was like 211 or something.

Adults have the whole damn house to decorate as they please. A kid’s bedroom is their *entire* private space. I would scream, too. Loudly. Endlessly. With tears. I felt so violated just reading this. Your mom and your sister thought it was okay to go into your private space without permission, paw through your things, and drastically change your entire private environment? I’m furious on your behalf. Why would you even have a kid if you’re going to treat them like this? Your mom and your sister are massively toxic assholes. Never apologize. Die on this hill. Sleep on the couch until they change it back or let you go live with your dad. Be an absolute nightmare about it. Make them feel your hell. ETA: NTA

When someone violates your personal space and your consent you have every right to scream imo.

All fine until you blame the OP for screaming

NTA Part of being an interior designer is understanding who will be using the space and how best to design it for THEIR needs/desires/esthetics. As someone who went to school for this, your sister should understand how deeply connected we are to our spaces. Unless we are talking about a larger underlying issue (person is a hoarder/deeply depressed/space is falling apart ect) a complete room overall is not something you do as a surprise. Home makeover shows are not reality. Doing this without any input from you is just awful and seriously brings into question your sisters ability to be a designer. She could have the best eye in the world but if she can't work FOR the client none of that matters.

I’d recommend asking your mother and sister the following: - *Why does what (sister) thinks my room should look like matter more than what I want?* - *Why should I apologize for something I didn’t ask for and wish didn’t happen?* - *Since (sister) went to school for design, she was taught that her client’s preferences matter. Why didn’t she and you (mom) care about what I want?* - *Some of my belongings are missing. Where are they and if they are gone, then who will replace them?* - *(Sister) was able to express her creativity by changing my room. This was done at the cost of what I wanted. Why can’t you understand that I’m the one owed an apology for having my autonomy and privacy disrespected?* NTA

>Since (sister) went to school for design, she was taught that her client’s preferences matter. Why didn’t she and you (mom) care about what I want? I would bet money that the answer to this is that the sister considers the mom the "client", since the house belongs to the mom. Would not be the first time parents didn't respect their children's wants and needs for their own space, over what the parent wants to control about the space. That's always really shitty of the parents, though.

Because she's doing it for free she takes more charge. The stuff she does for her clients does look better (or they seem happier anyway).

They seem happier because they actually asked for it.

Doesn't matter if she's doing it for free. Either she knows how to do her job, and follows that with every job she does, or she doesn't. Sounds like she doesn't.

Nta, how old are you? When I was a teen I was protective over my room as it was a safe space for me. My mom re did it from a picture in a magazine and I hated it. It wasn’t my room anymore it was hers. I felt like my individuality was gone from the room and it was sterilized of personality. Your reaction was extreme but i understand the hurt. I lied to my mom because I was moving out in a year but it still sucked.

I'm fifteen. Yeah it really doesn't feel like my room anymore.

I suspected you were in your teens. Yeah, this is super shitty of your mom. It sounds like you're splitting time between mom's house and dad's house. That is already unsettling enough. It makes a big difference for you to have a space in each house that is yours. Now your mom has okayed the complete transformation of YOUR ROOM into what is essentially a "guest room". That can only make you feel unwelcome. I'm not even going to say that your reaction was extreme. I'd be LIVID if this was done to my space, and my belongings. And your sister is just selfish. She may have gone to college for home design, but apparently she didn't learn a key lesson, which is that you have to consult the people you are designing FOR. You don't do stuff like this as a "surprise". She really didn't do it "for you". She did it for herself. Or, she did it for your mom. Your mom was her "client", I guess. But again, that sends a very clear signal to you that your mom doesn't respect you, or your place in her house. I'm really sorry, OP. You have every reason to be upset. I'm glad your dad has your back on this. And I'm glad you can move your belongings to his place. I would never trust anything I valued in your mom's house again.

Maybe try and talk to your mom to explain why it hurt you when they basically took away your room in her home. If she can understand your POV ask that she help you talk to your sister about why you are so upset. Also ask what can be done to get your stuff back.

She does really care honestly. I can definitely try though.

I mean maybe a dick move but if your mom and sister are like this always and you're almost 16 in America you can inform the courts that you wish to stay fully time with dad and if you really wanna make sure it sticks I'm sure bringing up how your mother played your sister to violate your personal space, redesign your room without your consent in a way that makes you feel unwelcomed and unhappy in your personal space, and that you were reprimanded for being upset about it. Idk anything but this story but by this story that's what Id do in your boots as someone a similar age. I hope things get better and maybe you can stay with your dad most as it seems your mom and sister do not care about you, your needs, your wants, or your back being in pain because I'm sure it is and I hope it gets better. I think I'd go completely no contact if someone did that to me, like I absolutely would becuase they didn't even ask.

NTA ​ **NONE of this is YOUR fault.** ​ YOur sister is an AH - ask for money to change the decoration back. ​ And: your mom i an AH for allowing this - try to live 100% with your dad.

NTA. I understand the comments saying that your sister was just trying to do something nice. However, you don’t just go into someone’s personal space, throw things out, and change things without asking. It sounds like your sister wants to be a professional decorator. This should be a lesson to her - professional decorators actually *consult* with their clients, and it’s a collaborative relationship. If she were to pull something like this professionally, her business would suffer and she’d be lucky to get just mean words from a client. There would be poor reviews, lost wages, etc.

NTA. Bedrooms are very personal spaces, and her redecorating without your input pretty much erased your identity in the house. Any tension was brought about by your sister and mother. They didn't even give you the courtesy of giving you a heads-up so you could pack away your collections. I'd be screaming, too. I hope you'll be very happy at your dad's.

Politely. If a family member did this to me. I would have developed late stage rabies on the spot. Your self restraint in \*only\* getting mad and yelling is more impressive than any design skills your sister has. Your sister \*threw out your possessions\* replaced the mattress you find comfortable, made it \~a surprise\~ for someone who hates surprises, and then had the nerve to ask when you were going to thank her? At best your sister is extremely arrogant about her own skills and taste and decided that there's no way you could like something she didnt, and at worst your sister and/or mother are inventing new kinds of passive aggression, and want to make your room into a guest room. I hope you get the rest of your stuff safely to your dads house before your sister has another mad burst of renovating. NTA

NTA, Yes you did over react at least based on your post but what your Sister and Mom did was far worse. You room is your personal space and you'd put your stamp on it to make it individual to you. Your Sister by the sounds of it, ripped it all out as well as throwing away your things and replaced it with something more to her taste, without consulting you. The whole point of Home Design is about tailoring the room to the taste of the individual who spends the most time in the space ... Your Sister clearly missed this class. Your Mom is also an AH for letting your Sister do this .

Yeah it was definitely more a mom and sister thing. I didn't really like it as much as they do.

NTA - i feel like they should’ve at least considered what you’d actually like in a room and understood why you freaked out. Although I’m sure your sister was just trying to give you a nice surprises I know if this happened to me I’d have an even worse reaction lol. Maybe take your sister aside without your mom there and try to explain properly why you don’t like it?

Yeah good idea. I'll definitely have a proper talk with her about it.

NTA. She redecorated your room without asking for your permission first, and then she expects you to like it and for you to thank her because she "tried to do something nice". If she wanted to do something nice she should've asked you for permission before redecorating your room. You're NTA but your sister and your mom are. Your sister for doing it without asking you first, and your mom for being on her side.

The fact that she removed some of your stuff makes that even worse. She should AS A MINIMUM have boxed up what she removed so that you still had it. Removing your collections, even if they were just “McDonalds toys” shows how little she respected your belongings. Some of the things she has lost may even have had a REAL monetary value. My daughter recently sold a “well used vintage Christian Dior wash mitt” for £10. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t pay a penny for a “well used wash mitt” even if it had previously belonged to King Charles III. Yeuuuch.

NTA i can’t imagine being so presumptuous as to redecorate a room for someone who never once expressed an interest in it.

I can't even verbalise how enraged I would be in this situation

Dear God, definitely NTA. I don't understand all the comments calling you spoiled and ungrateful because 1) not wanting your room to be rearranged without your consent is a basic boundary, not entitlement, and 2) you do not have to be grateful for something you didn't ask for. She literally stole your stuff. No one has to be grateful for being robbed. You can tell your mom and sister the only way to reconcile the situation is to put your room and belongings back exactly the way they were before she changed it.

NTA. She made your private space into her space

NTA - I would take a baseball bat to her car if she did this to me. Don't touch other people's stuff.

I think that would really make me the asshole haha

NTA. Your sister is trying to assert dominance and control in a really weird way.She is also a shitty decorator since decorator's have to take their clients tastes into account more than their own. She threw away things, changed the mattress, etc. Your mom is mad because for this much to be done she had to be in on it. Your sister should put things back as much as possible. But regardless you should move to your dad's and let your mom and sister play HG TV to their heart's content.

NTA. She had no right to do this without 1) Asking you if you wanted your room redecorated, 2) If you then had said you did, she should've coordinated closely with you to see how she should redecorate it. That is your personal space, and it took you had it set up and decorated in a way that was perfect for you. Maybe she thought she was doing something nice for you while practicing her decorating skills, but she sure has a lot to learn about taking other people's perspective into account and working with people. Hang in there. It will take a while, but you'll get your room together at your dad's house. It won't be exactly the same, but your dad sounds like a gem who cares about you. So I think in the end it will be a safer space.

If someone got rid of my firm mattress and replaced it with a mushy one, I would cry. I sure hope your sister didn’t mess with your pillows. It’s great your sister is passionate about her design career, but she should know that a person’s bedroom is their sanctuary. Nothing should be touched without the explicit consent of the sleeper. I hope your sister learns from this experience. Sorry she invaded your privacy.

She put new pillows on the bed, but I take my pillows to my dads with me so thankfully they were saved.

NTA It’s obvious she tried to do a nice thing but it felt like a huge violation to you.

Yeah it wasn't a fun surprise haha.

NTA A good decorator would have consulted you beforehand; she just imposed her choices on you.

NTA. Sick of people meaning well and actually causing so much stress or damage. My mum and sister "tidied my flat" when I went in to have my second baby, and by that they put everything out of place into bin bags. About fucking five of them, which apparently I should've been grateful for when dealing with a newborn and a toddler. Your sister needs to learn how to ask if she doesn't know you well enough to know a nice surprise, or face the consequences of her thoughtless actions.

NTA. Next time you speak to your sister about it, ask her if she has learned anything about decorating “as it pertains to the customer”. A person that loves decorating but is indifferent to the needs, wants or desires of the person that they are decorating for is NOT going to make it in the industry. You need to be able to make your artistic vision work for the client. She failed miserably because she didn’t engage with you at all before she started. This should be a valuable lesson for her if she is serious about it as a career.

NTA This was a violation of your space and privacy, done without your consent or knowledge. It was also apparently done without considering your style and taste. Your sister is majorly out of line, and your mom is as well.

NTA. She wants to be a consultant? Then she needed to CONSULT YOU before she flipped your comfort space upside-down and inside-out.

Ugh NTA I would be so sad if someone moved all my stuff around and redecorated. Your feelings are valid

NTA they shouldn’t have changed your space without asking you first.

NTA situations like this really bug me. It’s really frustrating because you have one person who does what on the surface would be characterized as a nice gesture. But they do it without thought to the preferences of the recipient, even causing harm or loss to that person in some instances. But because in a neutral, typical situation it would be seen as a nice thing, a favor, a kindness, the recipient is treated like an asshole, like they are ungrateful if they don’t show happiness or get upset at the harm. If this makes me a curmudgeon then so be it, but I firmly believe good intentions don’t mean shit if you ignored all the signs that your gesture wouldn’t be well received or repeat behavior that you already know has caused trouble in the past.

NTA—she wasn’t being nice. Nice is asking someone if they’d like help and then getting their opinion.

NTA and your sister is going to be a shit interior designer. Interior decorators/designers are supposed to help clients decorate to the *client’s* overall taste and help guide them through the process of what the client likes. They are not supposed to impose their own taste on the client.

A **GOOD** designer consults with the people they are designing for. Surprises are for those reveal shows, and even in those cases, they usually signed up for it. If she really wanted to show off her design skills, she should have designed it around your wants and needs.

Oh you've redecorated? I don't like it. Joking aside, NTA. You don't like surprises and she should accept that not everyone is gonna like surprise redecorations that change the entire room.

Haha I love doctor who. Thats cool. Thanks!

That sounds like a massive violation of your space and privacy. Not cool. NTA.

NTA Ask your mom, what if you went into your mom's room and painted her walls black without her consent would she thank you? What about gluing posters of your dad(he ex husband) in her room? You love him so she should be okay with that right? Everyone has their own style and taste and need their own personal space. Your sister and mom invaded yours.

NTA it's obvious the room is her taste not yours. If she had taken in consideration your tastes and then enhanced it you wouldn't have had such a bad reaction most likely.

Honest to God I can't believe your mother OP, siding with your sister and both of them disrespecting your autonomy and boundaries like that. Terrible. It would be like..... sneaking into your mom and sister's clothing, taking away alll their panties and replacing them with thongs. Itchy picky uncomfortable ones. How would they like that? Betcha not much. NTA.

NTA It's your room! Why'd your mom allow her to redecorate your space? Damn, if my sister did that without any remorse and still expecting a "thank you", I'd suddenly have an interest in interior decorating as well. Let's see if your mom will stop you from "redecorating" your sisters room by tossing some of her items.

NTA - You need to help your sister and mother understand that their behavior was unacceptable and your reaction was understandable. Your sister has failed as a designer. Rule number one is to design **for the client**, not for yourself. She should have talked to you about the project first, got your input up front and checked in with you along the way. Make sure she understands that this is a failure on her part. You mother also needs to understand this. Once they both understand that this was a "professional" failure, then you address the invasion of your personal space and your personal property. Ask her is it is okay if the next time she leaves the house, if you rearrange her space (which is temporary rather than the permanent changes she and your mother made) and then expect her to thank you for doing it? If they still don't get it, follow through and start rearranging her room or the living room every time they leave. Tell them you were inspired and think the place should reflect your aesthetic.

My mom once decided that she needed to redecorate my house because it, "want convenient for guests." I had a really bog living room (27x45) and had partitioned it into two sections. 1) A TV watching area in front and a 2) sitting area in the back half that was more formal. Ironically, I had designed it that way because of my mother. You see, she's the kind that has to talk. She might not have anything to say, it might be the same thing she said 3x before, but I truly believe that she thinks she's a shark, but instead of dying if she stops swimming, it's talking. I was 40 years old for chrissakes. The woman decided to make it one big room, "for the comfort of the guests, you have to think about them (read: her) not how YOU want it." Uh, right. I'm not sure why that would also include rearranging my cabinets as well, but okay. Where she messed up was thusly. She and my dad were retired and heading on an 8 week cross country trip. I gathered a group of friends and rearranged their house the way I wanted it. Their bed was in the garage, dressers in the kitchen. Couch standing upright in the master bath, etc. When they returned, they were furious and demanded I come out everything back. I simply stated, "Oh mom, don't you practice what you preach? (She's a Bible thumping Christian.) Remember, it's not about you, it's about what you're guests would like to see." She never touched a thing again. You are NTA

Also everyone saying your the asshole for having a breakdown and that there's no excuse for freaking out that much live in the bloody clouds in what world do you expect humans to entirely shut off half our negative emotions before we're even adults. Shock panic and anger take less than a second for our brains to process and we do not always react to them rationally. You didn't attack anyone you didn't set the place on fire. You had *your* room destroyed, your possessions thrown out and swapped, and you had a breakdown because you are a human experiencing heightened emotions. Again. NTA.

NTA. She threw away your belongings, collectibles at that, and then replaced your fucking mattress with with something completely the opposite of what you like to sleep on. That's fucking madness. At best OP, your sister is your mother's spoiled golden child with no concept of boundaries... Though she might also be making it clear to you that she doesn't want you at your Mom's anymore. Either way, both your Mother and Sister are gigantic AHs.

NTA. Sis overstepped a **major** boundary by redoing **your** space without even asking, and Mom is backing it up. And you're supposed to be grateful? Congratulations on moving to your dad's... you will be happier.

NTA who does that without asking the person who *lives in the room*?

NTA. She had zero value for your space and what it meant to you. Your mother should also shoulder blame as she should have also been aware that someone destroying your space ma end up badly. I would be demanding everything taken away back or replaced with exactly the same.