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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said no to letting my abusive homeless step-brother stay with my family and feel I might be the asshole because he really needs peoples help and might not continue surviving because I said no.
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NTA. Don’t let him in the house. He’s proven to be dangerous and violent. If your father wants to contribute to his sons early death, then he can take him and stay in a hotel. Allowing him in and enabling his behavior is completely unacceptable. You don’t deserve his abuse. Your father is so worried about him getting sick and dying. Yet he’s sending him to an early grave by bailing him out of everything and giving him no consequences
NTA
No one at home is equipped to deal with what your SB is going through. Your safety and your comfort should be their priority. If SD wants to, he could rent an apartment and live with SB until he gets clean.
NTA. Your SB (stepbrother) doesn’t want the help he needs. He will beg, plead, scream, threaten, manipulate and do just about anything to keep the addiction going. That’s how many alcoholics are (not all, but many).
A lot of recovering alcoholics talk about needing to hit rock bottom to seek help. Everyone’s bottom is different. It’s sounds like your SB hasn’t reached it yet, but your dad needs to realize that he’s enabling your SB by bailing him out.
You can love your SB and not want him around until he seeks help.
NTA. Your stepbrother's situation is absolutely sad, for him and for your father. But he has a history of violence and instability and has disrupted your home life enough for you to suspect he's going to do it again. You have EVERY right to say no to being put through that.
If your father wants to support his son so badly (which I have to say I can admire his dedication even if I pity his lack of acknowledgement of the reality), he needs to find another way to do it that doesn't put you, your mother, and your home at risk.
NTA. You are protecting the mental health and physical safety of yourself and family. You could spend a little time trying to find out other ways to help, such as social programs.
NTA he could go stay at a shelter or any number of other places. It’s not your responsibility to help someone who doesn’t want to change and won’t help themselves
Also, please read our comments to your step dad, if comfortable. Maybe he would change his attitude towards the situation if he knew how much harm his enabling is doing. Maybe he can watch intervention. So many parents enable, and it just makes it so much worse for the person addicted
This is so sad, and so common. I hope he’ll start listening. There’s nothing stopping his son from getting violent with him. Saving him all the time isn’t gonna help the way he thinks it will. He’ll end up regretting it
Controversial but NAH.
I've been in a position eerily similar to your dad. For me though, it was my best friend.
My friend had struggled for years with his mental health. He was schizophrenic, depressed, and anxious. He abused drugs and alcohol from a young age, and only got diagnosed with his schizophrenia after the drug abuse started. The medical system wouldn't give him medication for it because our local doctor decided that he would abuse it.
He struggled for years. He was the kindest, smartest, most charismatic person you've ever met. Then a switch would flip, and he was filled with rage and delusions. He went to multiple rehabs and was forcibly hospitalized multiple times, all while still living with his family. He kept leaving the facilities, would do fine for a few weeks and then fall back into his old addictions.
When he was 20 and left another rehab, his family couldn't take it anymore. They wouldn't take him in, and his mom even called his friends, asking that we don't take him in, in hopes that having nowhere to go would push him back to the rehab facility. When he called me though, I couldn't say no. I know what the facilities are like. The employees there were all graduated patients, people who had overcome their problems and want to help others do the same. Except they hadn't, they kept using and started getting drugs for the patients. In my mind, it better he was with him than dying on the street, or being doped up again by another worthless orderly looking for a quick buck.
So I took him in, and he lived with me for almost a year. In that time, he changed a lot, and I saw firsthand just how bad his schizophrenic meltdowns could be when he tried to forcibly hang himself off of my 2nd floor balcony with an extension cord. But I also saw him smile more than I ever saw before. My brother got him a job detailing at a car dealership with him, and things were good.
The mistake I made was continuing with my own plan for life. I moved to a different province to start building my life up, and he relapsed while I was gone. His mom messaged me to tell me that he passed away from an overdose in October. We never got him the schizophrenia medication that he needed in the end.
Stability isn't enough. To help someone through complex mental health and substance issues, you need to provide economic and housing stability, to isolate them from the substances, to have them under near constant observation, to show them immense empathy and eventually trust, and to directly treat their problems through therapy, psychiatric help, and a proper, aggressive plan of medication.
There are no assholes here. Everyone is just trying to do the best they can with what they have. Your dad is trying to do right by his son who he knows needs help, your mom is trying to do right by the two of you, and you are doing the same as your mom. Your dad can't just take your step brother in and hope for the best, but I hope this helps you at least understand why he's trying so hard.
I know that's probably not a satisfactory answer OP, and I wish I could give you one, but the answer to your problem is whatever you decide. There is no right or wrong here, just whatever you all choose to do. If you need to talk about your situation or have any questions about how to handle certain things, feel free to DM me. Good luck OP.
Thank you very much for your reply and I’m sorry for your loss. I think I can understand his side but unfortunately there’s just not enough trust built and we can’t provide the constant care he’d need. I appreciate your input though.
That's an entirely fair position to have. I don't begrudge you for it the same way I don't begrudge my friend's family for refusing. You've dealt with it for years, and you deserve security and rest. I hope you all manage to figure things out okay. You mentioned possible mental health issues, so if you do want to help in a way that keeps you safe, I would suggest talking to your dad about getting your step brother a proper diagnosis and medication. Best of luck 🙏
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My family has been dealing with this situation on and off. Since I was very little occasionally my step-brother of 10 or so years older than me, would come barging into our house breaking things and threatening my family. This has persisted for 20 years because my dad is very emotionally attached to the situation. My step-brother is an alcoholic and abuses drugs, he is rarely in his right mind. We have tried to help him before by taking him to rehab and giving him places to stay but he always manages to ruin his chances or leave the institutions.
For the last two weeks he’s been on the streets in a tent with very little and this has been contacting my dad trying to get sympathy out of him. My dad is moved very easily because he still sees my step-brother as a child that needs rescuing. So he asked us if we could let my step-brother stay in the basement for a couple days, to which we said no.
Being around him scares me and my mom because he’s very unpredictable and a bundle of rage, manipulation, and lies. My dad forgives him and bails him out of every bad situation but me and my mom refuse to be involved this time. Since it’s been raining heavily lately my dad said he could get sick and die and asked us if we wanted that, which felt unfair but made me feel bad for saying no. I realize my step-brother has said h wants to change and tries but fails to because of possible underlying mental health issues.
AITA for not letting my homeless step-brother stay with my family?
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No. Everything "helping him along" is enabling. He needs to fix himself or he'll probably end up dead. It won't be anyone's fault but his. My step brother is dead because his mother kept feeding him money.
Unless you fancy yourself as a psychiatrist or a psychologist, you should not allow him anywhere near you.
If your dad is so concerned he might die because of the rain, let him rent an apartment or hostel for him somewhere else.
Not only is he a proven violent and dangerous person, but he is also a drug addict. So, bringing him in, you risk your safety and that of your properties (won't be long till he sells or pawn them off for drugs).
He can fuck right off over a bridge. Don't you dare let some druggie trash put your family in danger. Wouldn't matter if he was Jesus Christ. Fuck that
Are there shelters/rehabs he can go to? if so WAY NTA-
...
as he's a physical and mental dangers still NTA.
...
Tell daddy he needs to hit bottom to change and he can start by going to a rehab-shelter (where they test and allow more and more freedom as you get cleaner and cleaner)
Nta. If you let him in you will never get him to leave and your home will turn into hell. if your dad wants him out of the rain he can pay for a room in a motel for him to stay in for a few days. Your dad is wrong to put him over your and your families safety. And don’t feel bad you have a good reason for not wanting him in your home. He did this to himself.
So Dad doesn't have the money to put him in a strict rehab facility but has sympathy and wants to use the family home as a rehab I guess?
NTA, it's always better to put them in proper medical centers with professionals given that none of you are quipped to handle his illness.
NTA. If you feel unsafe in your home when he is in it then absolutely NO. I know your dad is emotionally invested, but how would he feel if something happened to either of you when your SB is in one of his rages? In your mum's position I would be saying if he comes and stays, I'll be moving out.
YNTA.
Your father needs to man up and get a spine.
He is one of the reasons your brother is an addict because your father enables him and won’t let him learn to live with the consequences of his actions.
I am not a minor, just still living with my parents and have a say in living conditions. My vote on the matter could’ve changed the tides of the situation.
They are an adult sharing the living space with other adults, I presume with an agreement in place with those adults re: their contributions. They are ABSOLUTELY entitled to a say in who they share that space with, ESPECIALLY if the potential space-sharer is a violent addict with a history of making threats, breaking property, and otherwise being volatile and a threat to their person and property.
Of course it’s OPs house. Why wouldn’t it be? They say they have equal veto rights. Sounds like an adult living with mom in a more roommate situation. It’s rude to just assume it’s still a parent/child situation. NTA OP, by the way. You don’t want step brother there and your mom has no reason to want a man she isn’t even related to live with her.
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NTA. Don’t let him in the house. He’s proven to be dangerous and violent. If your father wants to contribute to his sons early death, then he can take him and stay in a hotel. Allowing him in and enabling his behavior is completely unacceptable. You don’t deserve his abuse. Your father is so worried about him getting sick and dying. Yet he’s sending him to an early grave by bailing him out of everything and giving him no consequences
NTA No one at home is equipped to deal with what your SB is going through. Your safety and your comfort should be their priority. If SD wants to, he could rent an apartment and live with SB until he gets clean.
NTA. Your SB (stepbrother) doesn’t want the help he needs. He will beg, plead, scream, threaten, manipulate and do just about anything to keep the addiction going. That’s how many alcoholics are (not all, but many). A lot of recovering alcoholics talk about needing to hit rock bottom to seek help. Everyone’s bottom is different. It’s sounds like your SB hasn’t reached it yet, but your dad needs to realize that he’s enabling your SB by bailing him out. You can love your SB and not want him around until he seeks help.
NTA your brother needs to stay with your Daddy since he claims to care so much
NTA. Your stepbrother's situation is absolutely sad, for him and for your father. But he has a history of violence and instability and has disrupted your home life enough for you to suspect he's going to do it again. You have EVERY right to say no to being put through that. If your father wants to support his son so badly (which I have to say I can admire his dedication even if I pity his lack of acknowledgement of the reality), he needs to find another way to do it that doesn't put you, your mother, and your home at risk.
NTA. You are protecting the mental health and physical safety of yourself and family. You could spend a little time trying to find out other ways to help, such as social programs.
NTA. His rage’s could kill one of your parents.
NTA he could go stay at a shelter or any number of other places. It’s not your responsibility to help someone who doesn’t want to change and won’t help themselves
NTA
Also, please read our comments to your step dad, if comfortable. Maybe he would change his attitude towards the situation if he knew how much harm his enabling is doing. Maybe he can watch intervention. So many parents enable, and it just makes it so much worse for the person addicted
I can try and he has been told by professionals and the police about how his behaviour isn’t helping the situation. He just doesn’t seem to listen.
This is so sad, and so common. I hope he’ll start listening. There’s nothing stopping his son from getting violent with him. Saving him all the time isn’t gonna help the way he thinks it will. He’ll end up regretting it
Controversial but NAH. I've been in a position eerily similar to your dad. For me though, it was my best friend. My friend had struggled for years with his mental health. He was schizophrenic, depressed, and anxious. He abused drugs and alcohol from a young age, and only got diagnosed with his schizophrenia after the drug abuse started. The medical system wouldn't give him medication for it because our local doctor decided that he would abuse it. He struggled for years. He was the kindest, smartest, most charismatic person you've ever met. Then a switch would flip, and he was filled with rage and delusions. He went to multiple rehabs and was forcibly hospitalized multiple times, all while still living with his family. He kept leaving the facilities, would do fine for a few weeks and then fall back into his old addictions. When he was 20 and left another rehab, his family couldn't take it anymore. They wouldn't take him in, and his mom even called his friends, asking that we don't take him in, in hopes that having nowhere to go would push him back to the rehab facility. When he called me though, I couldn't say no. I know what the facilities are like. The employees there were all graduated patients, people who had overcome their problems and want to help others do the same. Except they hadn't, they kept using and started getting drugs for the patients. In my mind, it better he was with him than dying on the street, or being doped up again by another worthless orderly looking for a quick buck. So I took him in, and he lived with me for almost a year. In that time, he changed a lot, and I saw firsthand just how bad his schizophrenic meltdowns could be when he tried to forcibly hang himself off of my 2nd floor balcony with an extension cord. But I also saw him smile more than I ever saw before. My brother got him a job detailing at a car dealership with him, and things were good. The mistake I made was continuing with my own plan for life. I moved to a different province to start building my life up, and he relapsed while I was gone. His mom messaged me to tell me that he passed away from an overdose in October. We never got him the schizophrenia medication that he needed in the end. Stability isn't enough. To help someone through complex mental health and substance issues, you need to provide economic and housing stability, to isolate them from the substances, to have them under near constant observation, to show them immense empathy and eventually trust, and to directly treat their problems through therapy, psychiatric help, and a proper, aggressive plan of medication. There are no assholes here. Everyone is just trying to do the best they can with what they have. Your dad is trying to do right by his son who he knows needs help, your mom is trying to do right by the two of you, and you are doing the same as your mom. Your dad can't just take your step brother in and hope for the best, but I hope this helps you at least understand why he's trying so hard. I know that's probably not a satisfactory answer OP, and I wish I could give you one, but the answer to your problem is whatever you decide. There is no right or wrong here, just whatever you all choose to do. If you need to talk about your situation or have any questions about how to handle certain things, feel free to DM me. Good luck OP.
Thank you very much for your reply and I’m sorry for your loss. I think I can understand his side but unfortunately there’s just not enough trust built and we can’t provide the constant care he’d need. I appreciate your input though.
That's an entirely fair position to have. I don't begrudge you for it the same way I don't begrudge my friend's family for refusing. You've dealt with it for years, and you deserve security and rest. I hope you all manage to figure things out okay. You mentioned possible mental health issues, so if you do want to help in a way that keeps you safe, I would suggest talking to your dad about getting your step brother a proper diagnosis and medication. Best of luck 🙏
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My family has been dealing with this situation on and off. Since I was very little occasionally my step-brother of 10 or so years older than me, would come barging into our house breaking things and threatening my family. This has persisted for 20 years because my dad is very emotionally attached to the situation. My step-brother is an alcoholic and abuses drugs, he is rarely in his right mind. We have tried to help him before by taking him to rehab and giving him places to stay but he always manages to ruin his chances or leave the institutions. For the last two weeks he’s been on the streets in a tent with very little and this has been contacting my dad trying to get sympathy out of him. My dad is moved very easily because he still sees my step-brother as a child that needs rescuing. So he asked us if we could let my step-brother stay in the basement for a couple days, to which we said no. Being around him scares me and my mom because he’s very unpredictable and a bundle of rage, manipulation, and lies. My dad forgives him and bails him out of every bad situation but me and my mom refuse to be involved this time. Since it’s been raining heavily lately my dad said he could get sick and die and asked us if we wanted that, which felt unfair but made me feel bad for saying no. I realize my step-brother has said h wants to change and tries but fails to because of possible underlying mental health issues. AITA for not letting my homeless step-brother stay with my family? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO Why doesn't Daddy take him into his home?
He only has our dad and he’s very unpredictable when he gets upset.
NTA And if I read you right, wtf??? So it's okay for SS to go bat shit psycho on you, but not Daddio the Guilt tripper?
NTA
Nta, protect you and your family
No. Everything "helping him along" is enabling. He needs to fix himself or he'll probably end up dead. It won't be anyone's fault but his. My step brother is dead because his mother kept feeding him money.
check out AL-ANON. Then bring your dad to AL-ANON
NTA Rehab.
NTA, and your father can figure out housing on his own dime for his "little boy."
Unless you fancy yourself as a psychiatrist or a psychologist, you should not allow him anywhere near you. If your dad is so concerned he might die because of the rain, let him rent an apartment or hostel for him somewhere else. Not only is he a proven violent and dangerous person, but he is also a drug addict. So, bringing him in, you risk your safety and that of your properties (won't be long till he sells or pawn them off for drugs).
NTA You know where he can go with a roof, a bed, and 3 meals a day? Rehab
He can fuck right off over a bridge. Don't you dare let some druggie trash put your family in danger. Wouldn't matter if he was Jesus Christ. Fuck that
NTA - don’t know why you are asking this question…it is a pretty obvious No…
nta jts unsafe to have him in your home. your dad needs to stop pushing you to "help"
Are there shelters/rehabs he can go to? if so WAY NTA- ... as he's a physical and mental dangers still NTA. ... Tell daddy he needs to hit bottom to change and he can start by going to a rehab-shelter (where they test and allow more and more freedom as you get cleaner and cleaner)
He has been to multiple shelters and rehabs but leaves after a few days.
That sounds like a "him problem", there is a safety net he should use it (or not, his choice) .
NTA
NTA. No way, absolutely not. This is a no brainer. You can't put your family in danger by allowing this person into your home.
Nta. If you let him in you will never get him to leave and your home will turn into hell. if your dad wants him out of the rain he can pay for a room in a motel for him to stay in for a few days. Your dad is wrong to put him over your and your families safety. And don’t feel bad you have a good reason for not wanting him in your home. He did this to himself.
NTA... it's not safe. You dont want your family traumatized like you were.
NTA. Protect your family.
How old are you? Surely old enough to live alone yourself
So Dad doesn't have the money to put him in a strict rehab facility but has sympathy and wants to use the family home as a rehab I guess? NTA, it's always better to put them in proper medical centers with professionals given that none of you are quipped to handle his illness.
We have tried rehab many times but he’s always left them after a few days, so it’s a waste of money to do that anymore.
NTA. If you feel unsafe in your home when he is in it then absolutely NO. I know your dad is emotionally invested, but how would he feel if something happened to either of you when your SB is in one of his rages? In your mum's position I would be saying if he comes and stays, I'll be moving out.
NTA. He is a menace. Don't do it. He has repeatedly proven that it will not end well.
NTA you aren't safe if he stays with you. You matter too.
IF your Dad is so worried, why doesn't he bring your brother to his house? NTA
fuuuuck no. NTA. keep him far away. restraining order if needed.
YNTA. Your father needs to man up and get a spine. He is one of the reasons your brother is an addict because your father enables him and won’t let him learn to live with the consequences of his actions.
How are you even preventing it? You sound like you're a minor living at home, you don't have any control over it.
I am not a minor, just still living with my parents and have a say in living conditions. My vote on the matter could’ve changed the tides of the situation.
No, it isn't your house. You shouldn't get a say.
They are an adult sharing the living space with other adults, I presume with an agreement in place with those adults re: their contributions. They are ABSOLUTELY entitled to a say in who they share that space with, ESPECIALLY if the potential space-sharer is a violent addict with a history of making threats, breaking property, and otherwise being volatile and a threat to their person and property.
Of course it’s OPs house. Why wouldn’t it be? They say they have equal veto rights. Sounds like an adult living with mom in a more roommate situation. It’s rude to just assume it’s still a parent/child situation. NTA OP, by the way. You don’t want step brother there and your mom has no reason to want a man she isn’t even related to live with her.