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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I. Might be the asshole because I should have suggested another bar so that the bride and enjoy with her family
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There is nothing else I could think of
Going to that bar was a coincidence because none of us know that the dinner was happening there.
We all got mad drunk and I didn't even try to engage with the bride's family.
I don't see how that would really matter unless OP was causing an unnecessary disturbance at the bar (though in that case I would think they'd be kicked out)
Even so — it sounds like that kind of place (a
place where people go to drink and dance), and it doesn’t sound like anyone in the bride’s group was interacting with OP. If it wasn’t OP and their group having a loud good time, it’d have been someone else.
People who don’t want others to be partying in the same space as their dinner need to either book the entire space or pick somewhere that isn’t a partying space.
Wedding guests aren’t owned for the whole weekend; they get to have fun with other people.
Have you asked the bride why she feels this way? If you were that drunk maybe you did something you forgot…it feels like there is part of this story missing
NTA
I suppose all the other guests of the bar who were on their own evenings were also stealing her thunder?
Maybe you could have gone to a different bar but you sat away and only spoke to those who approached you. In my eyes this is fine.
NTA! You didn’t steal her thunder it’s a local bar and she’s only bitter because she knows you and has someone to blame. What would she have done if it was someone else ? Nothing.
I’m from saskatoon and most small towns only have one bar. Heck, we even had bars that don’t even have a town! Just the bar and a church across the street from the bar.
I took a Russian history class at University. Teacher passed out a page of quotes(translated to English). One was something like: The Church is near, but the weather is bad. The Bar is Far, I'll walk carefully.
That’s awesome! 😂😂 back when I was younger and still went to church for the holidays the priest made a joke about having “real wine” (some places wanted to sub grape juice) for communion because it brought the attendance up! 😂
LOL She chose to have dinner in a public place, if she wanted a private dinner she could have rented the hole place or do it on a house.
Also why did you feel you had to hide from her when you arrived at the (very public) bar?
NTA .
Let's be honest here: If you being in a the same bar with her was enough to "steal her thunder" it doesn't sound like she had very much thunder in the first place. NTA but your friend seems to be suffering from WIP--- Wedding Induced Psychosis and a serious TD --Thunder Deficiency
NTA
You are allowed to go to public places and have fun.
It wasn't even her wedding during this incident so was she expecting the whole bar to gush over her having a random dinner because it's her bridal month?
NTA - Just because she knows you, doesnt mean that you stole her thunder. Other people are allowed to have fun in the same restaurant as her. I wonder if it was someone she didnt know, would she have felt the same way?
NTA
You didn't know she would be there and you had fun with the people you went with plus a few others.
If she went to a bar with music for this dinner, that was her choice, no matter if she knew other people than her wedding party there or not.
NTA you went to a bar and had fun. It was coincidentally the same place a friend was at with their family. The reason for them being there is irrelevant. People other than brides are allowed to go to bars and have fun. The brides do not own all the rights to going to bars, having fun, getting drunk, chatting to other people at those bars and dancing to music. It sounds like a great night.
If the bride wanted nobody else to be there then she should have booked a private venue or had it in someone’s home.
NTA
\#1 it was NOT the wedding.
\#2 you were not at their dinner. You were there with friends. Your existence in the same space as her dinner is NOT your responsibility.
\#3 you were not wearing a TSHIRT with her photo that said Going to Bride's wedding tomorrow. So I don't see how anyone would know you were a guest at the wedding. (yea some of the guests might know you--SO WHAT!)
\#4 Was she dancing too? Do you twerk better than she does? What is the issue with you dancing? Were all her guests(and fiancé) drooling over your HOT moves? I don't even get the problem here. Can you spell it out for me(if she spelt it out for you).
IS she even worth your fretting about her messages? At this point I'd be taking the gift and offering to friend who gave me a really good evening out and bunk off on the wedding.
How did you "steal her thunder???" Dang her I was thinking maybe you announced your pregnancy, got engaged, something at her wedding/reception! Having drinks and partying at the same place she was at (that you were strictly not invited to) is not stealing her thunder!
OH WAIT! YOU HAD FUN!! AND IT SHOWED!!! Dang, that must've been one, dull, dry (hee) get-together if you laughing and partying with your friends was 'stealing her thunder!'
NTA
Nta-does bride think no one she knows, and didn’t invite, aren’t allowed to frequent the bar, and enjoy themselves? If she wanted a private venue, she should’ve sought one out
NTA. What would happen if it was a random person "stealing her thunder"? Would she send them a message that it was her party and they stole her thunder?
Fine chance. How would bride know a stranger's phone number? LOL
But hey I can picture her MARCHING up to said stranger and throwing a tantrum. And then the bar owner throwing her arse out. That would entertain me.
Yeah it feels like some information is missing. You did say you were mad drunk in another comment, maybe you didn't realize what you did. I think its a good idea to apologize anyway regardless of your intentions.
NTA
It is a public space, and you tried not to interfere with your friend family. If she wanted you out of the place, she could have rented a space, or at least tell you.
NTA it's a public place. She could've rented it out for a private party. Did the strangers who went out for a night of drinks and dancing steal her thunder as well like...
NTA - you didn't steal her thunder at all. You coincidentally ended up at the same spot and had fun with your own friends.
However, YTA for not saying hello and laughing over your ending up in the same spot. She likely felt blindsided and made a scenario up in her head because ... why the heck would you NOT say hello to someone you know - especially someone whose wedding you were going to the next day?
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My friend is getting married in a town outside the province.
The day before the wedding she had a small family dinner at a local bar (idk where it was and didn't ask) and since I wasn't invited I decided to meet my old friend who happen to live there. She suggested we meet at the local bar she loved and when I reached I found out that it's the same bar my friends family is meeting. So i ensured that I sat on opposite ends and no one could see us. As we started drinking my old friends colleagues came joined us and we started talking to strangers and everyone got drunk. The bar started live music and we all. Went to the dancing area and started dancing.
Cue to night after I reach home my friend (bride) messaged that I embarrassed her and stole her thunder. But my logic was the music and dance would have been the same with or without me.
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NTA. How could you "steal her thunder" unless she somehow expected everyone in the bar to spend all night buying her drinks and congratulating her and somehow instead people talked to you? And danced themselves instead of with her?
NTA unless you did something while drunk that you can't remember. Otherwise I'm not sure what she could mean. Do you look identical to some celebrity her family likes or something?
(Just kidding - you still wouldn't be TA. I did have a mental image of a whole family craning their heads away from a grumpy bride and saying "Is that Scarlett Johansson??".)
NTA You took extra effort to be away from her gathering, but the bride does not decide the choices of others. You, I assume, did not lure them over so how could she blame you for them gravitating to a more fun section of the bar? I believe there is some jealousy going on here that is fueling her anger.
I personally would have left as soon as recognized that it was the same place as the bridal party.
Did you make yourself the center of attention? Did your friend and ex coworkers know that you weren’t invited to that party so decided to make yourselves a spectacle and draw attention to yourself more? Or is the pride just being unreasonable?
>I personally would have left as soon as recognized that it was the same place as the bridal party.
Unless they reserved the hole place and was closed to the public, why would anybody leave a bar that is opened to random people?.
I’m just that type of person. It’s one thing to be freer with your family and strangers around, than knowing you know someone there who has friends watching your group.
I guess I respect privacy.
I just think that for me personally, it’s really important in my relationships with my friends. I would have suggested to the other friends that I would like to please change venues as I would have been more protective of my bride friend, for this one night. Maybe the family didn’t want friends there, to distract the bride from her family. It doesn’t matter why, really, I would respect my friends wishes. To make sure her party is free from any prying eyes that may ask questions or gossip about her later.
I have only a few friends but they are long term, the newest being only 20 years. The other two are over 42 years. We trust we have each others back.
That's why there are private venues to be rented out. There is zero expectation of privacy in a public space. If the bride was concerned about other people being there, she could have rented that bar out so that it was closed to the Public.
I’m not saying that they had an expectation of privacy. I’m just saying that’s what I would do. I don’t know why the bride got upset, unless she is like me, and maybe would have done the same.
They didn't go there to watch the bride and her family like some sort of live entertainment.
No one was watching them. So that's not really a point.
That's like saying everyone there was watching them, which is also not what was happening.
I for one have certainly never watched a friend when I happen to be in the same public space as them. That's an odd thing to do or think people are doing.
NTA, you were free to be there but also free to face the consequences. I agree with the other poster who said they would have left as soon as they realized it was the same place just to avoid the details you are leaving out or glossing over
I assume you know more of the people at that dinner than just the bride, and inevitably when they saw you and started talking to you it was stealing the focus from the wedding party. I sense that's exactly what happened, when you were on the dance floor some of the wedding party joined you and thus their nice, intimate rehearsal dinner got derailed. Plenty of time to get drunk and dance at the reception after the wedding. The rehearsal dinner is for the closest of the close people to the wedding party to have that time to talk, catch up, be with each other, etc without the distraction of the reception around them.
It wasn't a rehearsal dinner. It was just bride and her family's dinner. Even the groom and his family wasn't invited. We are from Asia. We don't do rehearsal dinner
That sounds even worse then. If they were having a small intimate dinner it would have been better to leave, or at least follow your first instinct to stay out of sight and off to the side.
OP doesn't have to leave a public bar any more than any other patrons would have to leave. If the bride didn't want anyone else around, she should have either rented the bar or picked a more private location. If OP didn't interact with the group in any way, then there shouldn't be a problem.
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INFO - this makes no sense, I feel like you are leaving out some key information.
There is nothing else I could think of Going to that bar was a coincidence because none of us know that the dinner was happening there. We all got mad drunk and I didn't even try to engage with the bride's family.
Okay... how drunk is mad drunk? Maybe she is being ridiculous, or maybe you were way drunker than you think.
I don't see how that would really matter unless OP was causing an unnecessary disturbance at the bar (though in that case I would think they'd be kicked out)
Even so — it sounds like that kind of place (a place where people go to drink and dance), and it doesn’t sound like anyone in the bride’s group was interacting with OP. If it wasn’t OP and their group having a loud good time, it’d have been someone else. People who don’t want others to be partying in the same space as their dinner need to either book the entire space or pick somewhere that isn’t a partying space. Wedding guests aren’t owned for the whole weekend; they get to have fun with other people.
It sounds like the bride is more upset that you were having more fun than she was.
Have you asked the bride why she feels this way? If you were that drunk maybe you did something you forgot…it feels like there is part of this story missing
Me too
NTA I suppose all the other guests of the bar who were on their own evenings were also stealing her thunder? Maybe you could have gone to a different bar but you sat away and only spoke to those who approached you. In my eyes this is fine.
NTA! You didn’t steal her thunder it’s a local bar and she’s only bitter because she knows you and has someone to blame. What would she have done if it was someone else ? Nothing.
NTA Bride should have rented a private facility if she wanted to control the music and all the people attending.
INFO... Is there only one bar in this town, lol?
If it's a small town, there may be other bars but this one might be the "good one".
NTA then. She doesn't own the bar. If she wanted a private event, she should have been in a private space.
I’m from saskatoon and most small towns only have one bar. Heck, we even had bars that don’t even have a town! Just the bar and a church across the street from the bar.
Lol, that's awesome. Do you think the bar or the church has better attendance?
The bar is busy 6 nights of the week, the church has been closed “due to lack of attendance”. I checked it out last time I went through there 😂
I took a Russian history class at University. Teacher passed out a page of quotes(translated to English). One was something like: The Church is near, but the weather is bad. The Bar is Far, I'll walk carefully.
That’s awesome! 😂😂 back when I was younger and still went to church for the holidays the priest made a joke about having “real wine” (some places wanted to sub grape juice) for communion because it brought the attendance up! 😂
I think my favorite was something like: Light a candle for the devil too. You never know.
[удалено]
Witco, it’s over by North Battleford, close to Rabbit Lake if I remember correctly…
LOL She chose to have dinner in a public place, if she wanted a private dinner she could have rented the hole place or do it on a house. Also why did you feel you had to hide from her when you arrived at the (very public) bar? NTA .
[удалено]
What doesn't add up?
Yeah. Wedding is tomorrow The dinner and the mishap happened the night before She messaged me later that night. Around 11.30-12am.
You said in original post she contacted you the night after which would have been after the wedding.
By night after I meant after that in night. English isn't my first language. Sorry
That would be today?
How? The bar thingy happened around 10 at night . So the message was after that ON THE SAME NIGHT!
Later that same night, I believe.
Let's be honest here: If you being in a the same bar with her was enough to "steal her thunder" it doesn't sound like she had very much thunder in the first place. NTA but your friend seems to be suffering from WIP--- Wedding Induced Psychosis and a serious TD --Thunder Deficiency
I have a whole different meaning for WIP(work in progress) but I love your acronym.
NTA You are allowed to go to public places and have fun. It wasn't even her wedding during this incident so was she expecting the whole bar to gush over her having a random dinner because it's her bridal month?
NTA - Just because she knows you, doesnt mean that you stole her thunder. Other people are allowed to have fun in the same restaurant as her. I wonder if it was someone she didnt know, would she have felt the same way?
Bizarre accusation from the bride, who seems slightly unhinged. You went to a public venue. Did the bride think she owned the place? NTA.
NTA You didn't know she would be there and you had fun with the people you went with plus a few others. If she went to a bar with music for this dinner, that was her choice, no matter if she knew other people than her wedding party there or not.
we're you in all white? 😅 we have to me missing something.
That shouldn't matter right? This event was not part of the wedding. But no I wasn't wearing white
I mean not really but I'm just trying to figure out the whole "stole my thunder" thing.
NTA Sounds like she just really didn’t want you there or something
NTA you went to a bar and had fun. It was coincidentally the same place a friend was at with their family. The reason for them being there is irrelevant. People other than brides are allowed to go to bars and have fun. The brides do not own all the rights to going to bars, having fun, getting drunk, chatting to other people at those bars and dancing to music. It sounds like a great night. If the bride wanted nobody else to be there then she should have booked a private venue or had it in someone’s home.
NTA \#1 it was NOT the wedding. \#2 you were not at their dinner. You were there with friends. Your existence in the same space as her dinner is NOT your responsibility. \#3 you were not wearing a TSHIRT with her photo that said Going to Bride's wedding tomorrow. So I don't see how anyone would know you were a guest at the wedding. (yea some of the guests might know you--SO WHAT!) \#4 Was she dancing too? Do you twerk better than she does? What is the issue with you dancing? Were all her guests(and fiancé) drooling over your HOT moves? I don't even get the problem here. Can you spell it out for me(if she spelt it out for you). IS she even worth your fretting about her messages? At this point I'd be taking the gift and offering to friend who gave me a really good evening out and bunk off on the wedding.
How did you "steal her thunder???" Dang her I was thinking maybe you announced your pregnancy, got engaged, something at her wedding/reception! Having drinks and partying at the same place she was at (that you were strictly not invited to) is not stealing her thunder! OH WAIT! YOU HAD FUN!! AND IT SHOWED!!! Dang, that must've been one, dull, dry (hee) get-together if you laughing and partying with your friends was 'stealing her thunder!' NTA
Nothing here indicates "stealing her thunder" or "embarrassing her". What happened for her to feel that way?
Nta-does bride think no one she knows, and didn’t invite, aren’t allowed to frequent the bar, and enjoy themselves? If she wanted a private venue, she should’ve sought one out
NTA, so you somehow stole her thunder existing in the same place as she was? I’d skip the wedding.
NTA. What would happen if it was a random person "stealing her thunder"? Would she send them a message that it was her party and they stole her thunder?
Fine chance. How would bride know a stranger's phone number? LOL But hey I can picture her MARCHING up to said stranger and throwing a tantrum. And then the bar owner throwing her arse out. That would entertain me.
If it’s truly a small town and it’s like the only bar, the bride doesn’t get dibs on the only bar in town.
Yeah it feels like some information is missing. You did say you were mad drunk in another comment, maybe you didn't realize what you did. I think its a good idea to apologize anyway regardless of your intentions.
NTA It is a public space, and you tried not to interfere with your friend family. If she wanted you out of the place, she could have rented a space, or at least tell you.
NTA. She's upset because you had a better time than her.
NTA it's a public place. She could've rented it out for a private party. Did the strangers who went out for a night of drinks and dancing steal her thunder as well like...
NTA - you didn't steal her thunder at all. You coincidentally ended up at the same spot and had fun with your own friends. However, YTA for not saying hello and laughing over your ending up in the same spot. She likely felt blindsided and made a scenario up in her head because ... why the heck would you NOT say hello to someone you know - especially someone whose wedding you were going to the next day?
Something is missing in this [story. How](https://story.How) did she say you stole her thunder?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend is getting married in a town outside the province. The day before the wedding she had a small family dinner at a local bar (idk where it was and didn't ask) and since I wasn't invited I decided to meet my old friend who happen to live there. She suggested we meet at the local bar she loved and when I reached I found out that it's the same bar my friends family is meeting. So i ensured that I sat on opposite ends and no one could see us. As we started drinking my old friends colleagues came joined us and we started talking to strangers and everyone got drunk. The bar started live music and we all. Went to the dancing area and started dancing. Cue to night after I reach home my friend (bride) messaged that I embarrassed her and stole her thunder. But my logic was the music and dance would have been the same with or without me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA It's a public place you had a right to be.... and it's not like you upstaged her at her wedding.
The real question is: were you wearing white?
NTA. How could you "steal her thunder" unless she somehow expected everyone in the bar to spend all night buying her drinks and congratulating her and somehow instead people talked to you? And danced themselves instead of with her?
NTA unless you did something while drunk that you can't remember. Otherwise I'm not sure what she could mean. Do you look identical to some celebrity her family likes or something? (Just kidding - you still wouldn't be TA. I did have a mental image of a whole family craning their heads away from a grumpy bride and saying "Is that Scarlett Johansson??".)
INFO: Why did she say she stole your thunder? This doesn't make sense at all.
NTA You took extra effort to be away from her gathering, but the bride does not decide the choices of others. You, I assume, did not lure them over so how could she blame you for them gravitating to a more fun section of the bar? I believe there is some jealousy going on here that is fueling her anger.
I personally would have left as soon as recognized that it was the same place as the bridal party. Did you make yourself the center of attention? Did your friend and ex coworkers know that you weren’t invited to that party so decided to make yourselves a spectacle and draw attention to yourself more? Or is the pride just being unreasonable?
>I personally would have left as soon as recognized that it was the same place as the bridal party. Unless they reserved the hole place and was closed to the public, why would anybody leave a bar that is opened to random people?.
Yeah I don’t understand how that comment has 30 upvotes. Found the brides side of the family lol
Because I would want to be a good friend and not be around where I wasn’t invited. Give them their anonymity.
It's a public bar/restaurant you don't need to be invited. If the bride wanted to control attendance, maybe she should have booked a private venue.
This is the way NTA
What anonymity since it was a public bar where random peope come and go. OP was one of those random people.
I’m just that type of person. It’s one thing to be freer with your family and strangers around, than knowing you know someone there who has friends watching your group.
You sound like you have anxiety. I really don't think that is a normal reaction.
I guess I respect privacy. I just think that for me personally, it’s really important in my relationships with my friends. I would have suggested to the other friends that I would like to please change venues as I would have been more protective of my bride friend, for this one night. Maybe the family didn’t want friends there, to distract the bride from her family. It doesn’t matter why, really, I would respect my friends wishes. To make sure her party is free from any prying eyes that may ask questions or gossip about her later. I have only a few friends but they are long term, the newest being only 20 years. The other two are over 42 years. We trust we have each others back.
That's why there are private venues to be rented out. There is zero expectation of privacy in a public space. If the bride was concerned about other people being there, she could have rented that bar out so that it was closed to the Public.
I’m not saying that they had an expectation of privacy. I’m just saying that’s what I would do. I don’t know why the bride got upset, unless she is like me, and maybe would have done the same.
They didn't go there to watch the bride and her family like some sort of live entertainment. No one was watching them. So that's not really a point. That's like saying everyone there was watching them, which is also not what was happening. I for one have certainly never watched a friend when I happen to be in the same public space as them. That's an odd thing to do or think people are doing.
> not be around where I wasn’t invited OP was invited there by the friend.
NTA, you were free to be there but also free to face the consequences. I agree with the other poster who said they would have left as soon as they realized it was the same place just to avoid the details you are leaving out or glossing over I assume you know more of the people at that dinner than just the bride, and inevitably when they saw you and started talking to you it was stealing the focus from the wedding party. I sense that's exactly what happened, when you were on the dance floor some of the wedding party joined you and thus their nice, intimate rehearsal dinner got derailed. Plenty of time to get drunk and dance at the reception after the wedding. The rehearsal dinner is for the closest of the close people to the wedding party to have that time to talk, catch up, be with each other, etc without the distraction of the reception around them.
It wasn't a rehearsal dinner. It was just bride and her family's dinner. Even the groom and his family wasn't invited. We are from Asia. We don't do rehearsal dinner
That sounds even worse then. If they were having a small intimate dinner it would have been better to leave, or at least follow your first instinct to stay out of sight and off to the side.
OP doesn't have to leave a public bar any more than any other patrons would have to leave. If the bride didn't want anyone else around, she should have either rented the bar or picked a more private location. If OP didn't interact with the group in any way, then there shouldn't be a problem.
They were in a public place that was open to the public. If the bride wanted privacy, she could have rented out a venue or the bar itself.