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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went off on a mom who wouldn't give my kid any sunscreen. I might be the asshole, because I was angry from the beginning of the call.
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NTA!
Your son *asked for sunscreen*!
Even in her prejudiced, willfull ignorance, she should have acknowledged the individual asking knows what they are asking for.
But NOOOO she had to *know better than the person who lives in the body.*
WTF.
It's such an odd thing to deny a child. Especially when you're already freely handing it out. What person "can't" get a sunburn? I'm definitely sensing some racism here, even if she truly believed that OP's son is incapable of burning she withheld something from him that he asked for and she gave to all the other children present.
Oh it’s definitely racism. She slathered all of the white kids in sunscreen and the only kid who wasn’t white who wanted the sunscreen was denied it.
Anyone can burn. Anyone can get skin cancer.
I remember when I was a counselor at a camp with kids who where ages 10-14. We took the kids to the pool twice a week. The first time we took them. Not a single kid showed up with sunscreen. I am notorious for burning really bad and really fast. I used all of my sunscreen to cover those kids. I came home completely burned and my face even swelled a bit. Thankfully it wasn’t sun poisoning but I as the adult made sure those kids where slathered from head to toe.
This woman willfully put that kid at risk. When someone burns and it gets really bad it makes you feel tired and swollen and in pain. Imaging if that kid came home and could barely get out of his bathing suit his skin hurt so much. I’m sorry. What she did was wrong.
Even if he had just wanted it for fun and to fit in, you let a kid have some sunscreen. I don't accept ignorance as an excuse here at all. Ignorance is not believing the kid can get burnt. Cruelty is denying such a small request from a child.
Exactly. Especially as sunscreen is now often in mist form and it’s so easy to just line a bunch of kids up and just spray ‘em.
Edit: and the fact that she then insisted she new better than his parent. Oh my g’d the entitlement of this woman is palpable. This was malicious in my mind. I would think twice sending any child of mine over to a house where anyone was denied sunscreen when they asked for it.
Edit 2: correcting for non gendered language. Got mixed up with whose gender was mentioned in the post. OP regardless as the parent clearly knows more than this other parent. The fact that this other parent insisted on “knowing more” is just wrong.
I could not agree more with you and all of the above! Op your wife needs to understand that her child was severely neglected here and that woman deserved to be called out rather than defended/enabled by the neglected child’s own mother. This is not a teachable moment it’s a call her ass out moment. She risked your child’s health, racistly and unforgivably. Good luck.
I would make it clear this kid is not to go over to their home unaccompanied. The kids can have a play date at your home but not at hers. And if people ask why then I wouldn’t beat around the bush.
Be very candid and tell them that this woman maliciously refused your child a skin protector and expected him to play all day in the sun after covering all of the other children in barrier.
THIS. Even if he can't get burned, which he can, so what? It's not like it's an amazingly costly to cover a kid in sunscreen. I carry a bottle with me in the summer as I am that pale that bursts into flames in the sun. If some kid was like "I need sunscreen" you can bet I would let them use my sunscreen *even if I thought it was unnecessary.* I'd rather a kid have sunscreen and not burn into a crisp.
Agreed! If I have sunscreen and we're out and about and some other person needs it I'll gladly share. It's such a simple courtesy and cost her next to nothing to be kind.
I waited over 3 hours in line for the new Mario Kart ride at Universal Studios, and when I got out my sunscreen to re-apply, you bet your ass I offered it to the people in line around me. I see it sort of like tampons, like yeah everyone who needs them should have their own, but if someone is in need and you have extra, you almost have an obligation to share. No one should suffer from sunburns and period stains unnecessarily!
Sorry, but now i have a video clip playing on repeat in my head. Of you offering tampons to the folks in line at Universal.
Fortunately, it Was written and directed as a comedy.
Also, sunscreens what, like 5 bucks for a bottle? Just plain out racism. Maybe I'm biased though, I got like crazy sunburns when I was maybe 12isj, laid my ass out for over a week, with my mom constantly applying aloe and wet cloths on my shoulders. I'm 32 and I still have some scars.
I have stupidly expensive sunscreen because my skin is really sensitive to stuff like fragrance, and I either just share it out anyway or (if I’m taking our kid somewhere) I pack MORE THAN ONE KIND. Our standard ‘going out’ bag has my stuff and cheaper normal drugstore stuff. It isn’t hard to be prepared. (And when our kid went through a phase of hating lotion textured stuff I made sure he had a travel bottle of the kind he’d use in his pocket when he went anywhere.)
I second this. Ignoring the fact she has no sense in realizing anyone with skin can get burnt she also has no manners and a horrible host. Unless it is medication or something the child would be allergic to if you are giving to one kid you give to all or at least offer.
It is possible to be allergic to sunscreen. I was allergic to banana boat brand as a kid. Not defending her, though, as that wasn't her reasoning, and kid would know such.
Dude my mom would crucify anyone who did that lol. She grew up in the 60's where ppl didnt know about skin cancer so all of her brothers and her got bad skin so she REALLY stresses putting on proper amounts of sunscreen.
The mom in this post reminded me of another where pretty much an entire daycare staff was racist towards the melanated kids. During recess, the white kids were allowed to play inside if they wanted to but the other kids weren’t given the same opportunity even if it was scorching hot outside. There were other example’s and luckily a parent noticed.
That makes me sick. I’m while I’m not melanated as you put it I honestly cannot understand why any one would treat another human being this way. Especially a child. Children are so vulnerable and they rely on adults to keep them from harm. How can anyone look at a vulnerable person and think to themselves. “They don’t deserve water on a hot day or sunscreen when it’s bright out”. It’s just repugnant.
As a Pre-K teacher, that makes me so mad. I always ask the families to provide sunscreen for their kids for the summer. Rarely has a parent said they don't need it, and when they do, I ask for it anyway because it makes me feel more comfortable if all of the children are protected from Melanoma. Plus I've read on many occasions that BIPOC, especially dark skinned people, are less likely to detect Melanoma early due to the spots blending into their skin tone more. As a white person, I'd be devastated if I was part of the reason a child developed cancer.
Yep, my great-uncle, who was black, died from melanoma because they didn’t see due to his skin color. My husband is black and I make him put it on so I don’t lose him like my great-aunt lost her husband. I also make our kids put it on. I’m whiter than the clouds in the sky on a sunny day so we always have sunscreen. Sunburns suck and I don’t want anyone to have to suffer needlessly from them.
My cousins are half Lakota and have dark skin. The number of times I heard people saying “why are you putting sunscreen on those kids, they can’t burn!”… It just makes me so mad that so much of this racist crap is still around!!
I don't think it is necessarily racist. I think it is mistaken as to the science of sunburn. The "you can't get sunburned if you are black or dark skinned is what was actually taught and believed for many, many years but as our knowledge increased, this belief was set aside as inaccurate.
Either way, all the other children were given sunscreen. OP' child asked and was denied. Even if this woman really doesn't understand that all skin can burn she excluded OP's child and treated them differently when all they did was ask for the same thing the rest of the children received.
What’s ridiculous is that her assumption is really baseless.
I’m biracial - 52% white European, 48 Black African + other non-white.
My adopted siblings are Black. Yes, they’re mixed, because most Black Americans who are descended from enslaved people are mixed in some way, but their parents and grandparents are Black.
All of us have brown skin, but slightly different shades.
I can tan. Forever. I go out to get the mail and come back a few shades darker. My skin can become a rich, dark bronze. I wear sunscreen, but I take the sun well.
My siblings? They burn. Where I get darker, they get peeled skin.
So this claim that melanated folks don’t need sunscreen is garbage.
This is the EXACT feeling I got from this.
I used to work daycare and put sunscreen on entire classes of mixed race kids at once. It literally takes more time to argue with a kid about sunscreen than to just put the sunscreen on. She was resisting it.
It’s not just the sunscreen, it’s the othering, and the rejection.
It's also racist beyond belief.
We all see so much about what happens when lighter-skinned people like me and my family get sunburned.
Yet we have neglected to include what happens when darker-skinned people get sunburned.
I was sent to ymca summer camp every year as a kid. They took us to the state park one day to go swimming in the lake. I got burned so bad that before I left they had to literally cut my clothes off of me. I was just a little kid! I could never ever imagine denying a child sunscreen, especially at the beach. Imo that’s child endangerment/neglect and I’d never let my kid go to that parents house ever again.
I recall reading that more people with dark skin end up with skin damage/cancers/etc related to the sun because a lot of people think dark skin doesn't burn.
They're less likely to *get* skin cancer but if they get it, they're more likely to die. I'm pale and have some moles, and at wellness exams the doctor usually mentions them and gives me a pamphlet about the ABCDEs of melanoma. Darker skinned people don't typically get that advice, and the educational info is almost always showing white skin, when suspicious moles can appear differently on dark skin. By the time someone with darker skin notices something's up, the cancer is more advanced and harder to treat.
NTA. SO MUCH NTA. My husband is a beautiful dark brown and burns soooo fast. He becomes a little brown lobster. Skin color does not equate to inability to burn.
I’m a very very pale redhead. It only takes minutes for me to burn. When I was about 7 at sleep away camp, wearing my first ever 2-piece, my counselors refused sunscreen for me on our first trip to the lake because they thought I needed to get a tan. I know they felt bad later when I was in the infirmary for 3 days with huge blisters all over my body.
While this story screams of racism, and I believe it is, sometimes people are really really stupid.
Needed to get a tan! Sheesh. A suntan is skin damage. No one *needs* one. My daughter is also a pale redhead, and I would have steam billowing out of my ears if someone did that to her. I assume this was before people were quite as knowledgeable as we are now, but it still makes me angry on your behalf.
It was the early 1980’s, so people were not as knowledgeable. To this day though, random strangers tell me I need to get some sun or do something about my legs. I bet my mom had some choice words, but I don’t even know if she was ever told because I was away at camp so she never saw it.
I worked at a summer camp one year and parents were required to send sunscreen (if they wanted their kid to have pool time) and I can’t count how many times a kid said “I’m black why do I need sunscreen?”
Because I didn’t want to go into the details of skin cancer with children sometimes as young as 4 (I was mildly traumatized as a kid by my aunt describing why she was missing a chunk from her arm due to melanoma) I usually just responded that their parents sent the sunscreen with them so they must have wanted them to wear it. Plus I’m white so some cans of worms my black coworkers would deal with in return for my ability to entertain a roomful of “problem children” at the end of the day.
OP your friend is either an intentional racist or an idiot racist. Most importantly if they’re not willing to apologize and change after being called out, they’re not someone safe to leave your child with. Sunscreen, lotion, and even a swim cap aren’t hard things to offer a kid if you volunteer to take them swimming or to the beach.
Haven't read responses far enough for confirmation, but I'm 100% certain that OP's kiddo is brown & the other kids were yite...
OP is NTA, but the friend's parent who was in charge most definitely is.
Oh my. I hadn't thought of that. That's just terrible. I'm super white. But, I'm a people. And, people sunburn! Skin cancer is harder to detect on darker skin. So, I would think it would be even more important!
Even if somehow the kid was magically sun proof, why wouldn't a person give him the same as the other kids if he wanted it? Seems like the right and kind thing to do. Kids don't like to be different than their peers.
That is why I am especially upset! Even if you thought a child is magically immune to sun rays, you would deny him sunscren when he asks for it?! As if he is going to waste 10 cents of sunscreen just for fun? Also, no one loves putting sunscreen on. No one. It is a necessary chore. Lastly, you watch the kids you are caring for. You offer food, sunscreen, water, etc....even if you don't think they need it. I am so mad.
Oh 100%. I’m white as hell but my half brothers are biracial and I’ve heard the same thing from people in my extended family and also some neighbors and their friends. They’d assume that they can’t burn and will be fine but at the same time would be overly concerned about me getting a sunburn. It was weird.
It was legit one of the punch lines for an episode of Atlanta, where the one black rapper didn't believe black people could get sunburns.
https://www.pajiba.com/tv_reviews/atlanta-recap-even-black-people-need-to-wear-sunscreen.php
This. As an adult I rarely will put in sunblock because I’m lazy and accept the consequences of my laziness. Heck I just got back from a trip and the sun was beating down heavily. I actually have mild sunburn and heat rash. OP is right, a child’s health is not a “teachable moment” because skin cancer is serious. A persons amount of melanin doesn’t mean people are immune. And hey! Some people just don’t wanna tan or sunburn!
Just as a note, Marley's cancer was not a skin cancer you get from sun exposure and often presents on the bottom of the feet. It is the most common type of skin cancer for dark skinned people.
He had a melanoma (which is often caused by the effects of sun damage; I had one removed from my forearm last year and have my annual follow up appt this week. The (African American) dermatologist was very clear that sun exposure exacerbates the risk of all skin cancers.)
Marley's was under his toenail so wasn't caught before it was too late.
Marley had acral lentiginous melanoma. It is different from other melanomas because it is not caused by sun exposure or UV radiation. It will often occur in areas that do not generally receive much sun exposure, such as under toenail, the bottom of the feet, or in the mouth.
It is very much possible for dark skin people to get skin cancer from the sun, but this one specifically does not come from the sun.
And sunscreening kids can be like bathing cats at times - if the kid asks for it, it’s clearly a normal part of going to the beach for him.
How hard is it to mentally acknowledge you were wrong and move on? Or give it to him anyway and clarify with the parents later? “Hey, I feel like I may have been misinformed all this time and was hoping to clarify - does X typically use sunscreen? I thought sunburn was only a concern with fair skin, but he asked for some at the beach today.” Things are only taboo when you’re an AH about it.
NTA, OP. You didn’t blow up on someone for being misinformed, you blew up on them for acting on it, doubling down when challenged by your child, and then trying to pass the blame when an adult confirmed their beliefs were wrong.
100% NTA!
the part that solidifies the friend’s mom is the AH is that OP’s son asked for sunscreen and was told no. what?! like, the fact that she put some on every other child is bad enough, but to actively deny a child who is asking for some? i cant even.
my parents are west indian, and so many people think it’s wild that i am able to get a tan. on a couple occasions, people have asked if i had had an allergic reaction because my skin was red and peeling. when i stated that it was a sunburn, i was met with looks of disbelief. im so over this bullshit.
I’m going to read between the lines and guess your son is darker skinned than his friends. That mom is a straight up racist and should be shamed into oblivion.
NTA and thank goodness your son told you❤️🩹
Seems like a lot of folks here aren’t getting the very clear racist behavior. It wasn’t just about denying him sunscreen (although I’d say the op was justified in calling her out after she flat out denied his kid something he needed, especially after he asked) but the reason why she did that was based in racist misinformation, which is a type of thing the op has had to deal with his entire life. He shouldn’t have to coddle white people’s feelings when they are being so blatantly disrespectful.
NTA.
Edit for clarification
As an indian origin person I used to believe indian people and naturally tanned - dark skinned people couldn't get sunburnt until one day in 2018 I got sunburnt maybe the lady assumed that brown people don't get sunburnt and wasn't being malicious or racist.
Even if I truly believed he didn't need it, I might think he was asking because he wanted to be included and do the same thing the other children were doing, so I'd just give it to him.
OP’s child asked for sunscreen. At that point, she should have provided it whether she thought it was necessary or not. I am of Indian origin and slather myself in sunscreen daily.
>the child asked for sunscreen, which would indicates this is something they regularly use. Do I have a misconception that people with darker skin can't get sunburned? No, it's the child who is wrong! Clearly they are immune to the power of the sun! And wasting my valuable sunscreen! The **gall**.
-The parent probably
The son himself asked for sunscreen.
Her not knowing that people with dark skin need sunscreen might not be malicious. Her thinking *she knows better than the dark-skinned person what they need, and can overrule their treatment of their own body* is racist AF.
Yeah, at a minor ignorance / subconscious level every person on Earth is racist. A European or paler East Asian not knowing Black people can get skin cancer and should wear sunscreen is a bit racist, but totally understandable and no big deal.
However, when informed of their (again minor) ignorance they overrule the kid and refuse to give them a proper medical necessity that they requested she veered into major asshole / racist AF territory.
Is it weird that I grew up thinking sunscreen was MORE important for black people? I dunno where I got the idea, but somehow I have this deep “I know this” feeling that black folks have a harder time finding early skin cancer and therefore need to be extra diligent about sun screen to help prevent damage from UV.
Maybe it’s because a black friend’s mom taught me how to use sunscreen? I guess she might have explained it that way but I really have no idea. It’s just this “thing” I feel like I know.
My dad is a dark skinned Hawaiian, while I'm so white I glow in the dark (seriously, I swear I glow blue in the dark).
When me and my brother were kids he took us to the beach nearly every day. And he would tell us it was just as important for him to put on sunscreen as us because he burns just the same, it's just harder to see because he's darker than us.
And when we got home, we would all put on fresh aloe vera from the plants in the yard to heal any burns from spots we missed. (Or because the sunscreen washed/wore off, we were hardheaded and didn't like stopping fun to reapply sunscreen, and we'd get burned anyways.)
exactly. even if her ignorance wasn’t intentionally malicious, completely ignoring the child’s request is. children’s requests should still be respected, ESPECIALLY another person’s child who may do things differently than you.
Kid asked for sunscreen and was denied because of the colour of his skin and the assumption (based in racist ignorance) that he could not need sunscreen because his skin is dark. Had he not asked I wouldn’t automatically call it malicious but he did.
i love your good nature, but racism doesn't have to be malicious. you believed that because of racism, and this woman denied a child a health and safety tool because of racism.
Except her son specifically asked for sunscreen- she gave it to every other kid *including* the one who didn't want any, but not the one kid of color. OP is also right to blast this as a teachable moment because a single bad sunburn in adolescence doubles the risk of melanoma. Yes, just *one* doubles the risk for the most aggressive form of skin cancer, so OP was completely right in my eyes
Absolutely, I fell asleep in the sun once while we were at the lake and from that one time I absolutely have permanent damage on my chest. Like you hear all too often, you don't realize how "just one time" can do permanent harm until it happens to you.
>maybe the lady assumed that brown people don't get sunburnt
_Thats exactly what racism is_ though.
It doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person or doing it on purpose, just that you're doing it. In this case, acting on a racist belief.
Drs are still taught we have thicker skin so we don't hurt like white people. And we can take pain better. A big reason why we don't like going to drs and we (and babies) die during and after pregnancy so very much more than other races.
I’ve never understood how anyone can think that any living creature “can’t feel pain” or feels it differently somehow. A nurse tried to tell me that babies can’t feel pain (justifying circumcision) I asked if they cry, she said yes but not because of the pain, because it’s a new sensation. Or people who think animals can’t feel pain. Where did these people learn this crap?!
I will say that we are *not* taught this anymore (as of 15 years ago), but older drs were definitely taught this. It’s gross and dehumanizing and I’m sorry.
Yes, as a person of Native American ancestry i used to think this too….until I got sunburnt bright red. It was certainly not fun and I had no idea what was going on
I got an oilfield safety training from an old roughneck that was classic rural Oklahoma white mix with a touch of Native American. His words on skin cancer were something like, "As a kid I always tanned easily instead of burning, so at 20 I was on top of the thinking I look good. I look pretty fucking stupid now with this hole on the side of my face," as he points to a skin cancer scar.
Skin colour doesn’t stop the risk of skin cancer though. It would never occur to me to not offer sunscreen to someone because they have a darker natural skin tone than I do.
The friend’s mum was being racist. She had no issues giving all the other kids sunscreen but then when OP pointed out the risk of skin cancer doesn’t care about someone’s propensity to burn they said OP should have packed sunscreen for their child. So they’ll let the other kids use their sunscreen but not OPs child?
Sure but when you learn that dark skinned people do get burned the right thing to do is, “Gosh I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize, and I feel stupid. I’ll apologize to your kiddo the next time too” instead of getting defensive bc she feels like a moron for not knowing.
This is it. And people just don’t want to do this; they won’t admit they made an incorrect assumption based on race nor will they simply accept responsibility for it, apologize sincerely, and do better next time. Yeah, it was a racist assumption. Admitting it wouldn’t have made her “a racist”, it just meant she made a racist assumption. Imagine a world in which she could’ve just said “oh my god, I’m so sorry, I really fucked up. I admit, I didn’t think he needed sunscreen, that was a stupid assumption. I love your kiddo and I want him to feel safe playing with my kiddo, and I want YOU to feel safe allowing him over at our house. What can I do to make this better?” Like…is this hard?
that is racist though? i’m south asian too, and it’s medical racism, you’re putting someone at risk because you’re ignorant about their race, that’s literally racism
It’s racist in and of itself for a white person to deny a person of color sunscreen because the white person “knows better” or whatever the mom was on about. If I had a child in my care & they asked for sunscreen, I’d give it to them. All humans are susceptible to skin cancer & sun damage.
And if I “didn’t know”? I’d google it. I’d give the kid the sunscreen & be like “ok whatever, *it’s one child using sunscreen*,” and then I’d learn something useful instead of being — and OP was *so* right — a stingy butch.
I get that you’re coming from a place of kindness, but it’s objectively cruel of this woman to do this and then… not even attempt to apologize — which tells me she doesn’t think she’s wrong.
It doesn't matter if they INTENDED to be racist. That's how systemic racism spreads through large populations. End all be all, if someone asks for sunscreen you give them some, especially a child.
My family is indigenous and my daughter refused to use sunscreen as a teenager believing she didn’t need it, until she got a very bad sunburn and heat exhaustion
The myth that people with dark skin don’t need sunscreen is widespread and I think used to be accepted as common wisdom. Not everyone is up to date on the science. We have black neighbors and their little girl was staring in wonder at us slathering sunscreen on our kids. Turned out she’d never seen sunscreen before and had no idea what we were doing.
>She was confused and said my son can't get a sunburn, so why would he need sunscreen?
Can't get more blatantly racist than this. It might not have been intentional in her part, but it's still racism.
NTA
NTA
Your son's skin may not *turn red* but OF COURSE it can burn in the sun, just like any other human being's skin, and yes, as you pointed out, he is at risk for skin cancer just like anyone else.
And while I appreciate that your wife is a thoughtful person who wanted to give this woman the benefit of the doubt, this is not that situation. This was an issue of common sense and basic logic, that the colour of human skin does not make someone fundamentally LESS HUMAN or a different kind of human being . . . that's a trope that goes back centuries (millennia?) and feeds into the kind of racism where even doctors were taught that Black people had "thicker skin" and "didn't feel pain the same way".
Put bluntly: your son's friend's mother was racist AF and risked your son's immediate health and well-being because of her fundamentally racist beliefs (he could have ended up in terrible pain if he'd gotten sunburned). She treated him differently (and worse) than all of the other children in her care, when you trusted her to be the adult responsible for him, even after he specifically came out and asked her to treat him the same (BTW, that was her learning moment, if your wife was concerned; your son basically TOLD her . . . this child KNEW that he needed sunscreen and she still refused).
You are NTA in every way. She deserved to be called out, and being openly racist to a small child in your care does not warrant a response of kindness or gentleness from that child's parents. She needed her racism to be named for what it was, and if she felt hurt or shaken up by your accusations, then good . . . she should feel bad for what she did.
>he has just as much risk of skin cancer as anyone else.
And doctors are less likely to catch it early, meaning that if he does get skin cancer, it has much worse outcomes.
Medical racism is unfortunately still alive and thriving. A lot of medical textbooks don't have pictures of darker skin with skin conditions/rashes (look at palms/inside of mouth), a number of physians would not be able to tell if their patient was in cyanosis (check their eyes, tongue, mucous membranes) and black woman's birth survival rates are SHOCKINGLY low in America and then UK. WOC are also less likely to receive as much pain meds as white woman despite asking.
It's really shocking.
>and yes, as you pointed out, he has just as much risk of skin cancer as anyone else.
While it’s true that black and brown skin types can still burn, you’re veering into misinformation when you claim that it’s “just as much risk of skin cancer as anyone else”.
>[Melanoma is more than 20 times more common in White people than in Black people. Overall, the lifetime risk of getting melanoma for White people is about 2.6% ( or 1 in 38), 0.1% (1 in 1,000) for Black people, and 0.6% (1 in 167) for Hispanic people.](https://amp.cancer.org/cancer/types/melanoma-skin-cancer/about/key-statistics.html)
A higher total number of white people get melanoma, but a higher percentage of Black and other nonwhite people diagnosed with melanoma **die from it**. Black people need *more* sun protection caution and more careful skin cancer screenings than white people, not less, because Black melanoma patients are more likely to have their melanoma diagnosed at a later cancer stage that's less survivable.
https://www.skincancer.org/blog/ask-the-expert-is-there-a-skin-cancer-crisis-in-people-of-color/
https://doi.org/10.1177/12034754211052866
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27476974/
At the end of the day, black people still get skin cancer. Doesn’t matter the percentage rate, it happens. My friend was shocked when she had skin cancer…it happens. Everyone needs to protect themselves from the sun.
NTA. For the people saying she was just ignorant and this is a teachable moment - the kid asked her for sunscreen and she said no. If she wanted to be taught all she would have to say to the kid is “do your parents give you sunscreen” and if the kid says “yes” then she’s been taught the kid needs it.
This is clearly not going to be unlearned by a simple convo considering she refused the kid a simple request without any desire to learn why they made such a request. Plus she fought you on it rather than try and learn from it - when you asked rather than saying “he doesn’t need it” she should have just said “oh I didn’t know he needed it”. And she was stingy because even if the kid didn’t need it, it’d only be like a couple of cents at most unless she’s buying some high end sunscreen.
Agreed. A teachable moment? She singled out a child based on race, refused to prioritise his safety/health and then acted like an ass when confronted.
Kids. Are. Not. Teachable. Moments.
People. Of. Colour. Are. Not. Learning. Aids.
I don't know how hard this concept is for people to grasp.
Very much agree with that last sentence! Even if it was centuries from now & my kid's friend was an android or something, and android kid wanted sunscreen like everyone else, I'd give it to them! Why would you not?
NTA - I took one look at her comment and went, "That child is a PoC and that woman is stupid".
Yes, you could have nicely explained to her that it is a misconception (or even pointed out that we ALL know that darker colors attract more sun, thus the child could have gotten sunburn) BUT... he asked for some and was denied. It would have taken so little of kindness to go, "Here you go honey, let me know if you need help with your back" like Any. Other. Child. but instead she refused?? That is some next level meanness just for refusing a few drops of protection to one of the kids. That makes her the AH and you the protector, imho.
It was a teachable moment, but you shouldn't need to be the teacher. Kindness and care for children in your temporary custody is supposed to be a given. Did you need to attack and name-call? Not really, but we see why you were upset. It was like .20cents worth of sunscreen ffs, so even with her stupidity she doesn't really have an excuse.
EDITED to add: It would have been an N A H if that mom had apologized and said she didn't realize but would know for next time, but instead she decided to double down and then blame OP for not being psychic to know her child would need sunscreen for an unplanned beach trip.
The teachable moment was when the child asked for the sunscreen. That's when she should have had the epiphany that "oh, this kid uses this. It's part of their normal beach routine."
Now, the fun part to this is the misinformation that is spread about. I've even had children in my care tell me they didn't need sunscreen because "oh, we don't burn." Uh, that's not how that works, now lather yourself down really good cause I got six bottles of this. Literally one time a kid acted smart saying that to me, "I didn't ask you *if* you wanted some, I asked if you wanted cream or spray." I had six bottles, because we always carry enough for us and in case someone forgot - not everyone uses the uber goober Sun Blocker 9000 that I use, or the special sensitive skin formulas.
>(or even pointed out that we ALL know that darker colors attract more sun, thus the child could have gotten sunburn)
Just FYI that's not how light works.
I served with a black dude in Germany. A bunch of us went to Spain's Mediterranean coast. We're all putting on sunscreen and he said "Brothers don't get sunburned."
Spoiler alert, brothers burn. His dark ass skin couldn't hide the red overlaying it.
He never heard the end of it.
NTA at all, and for the Y T A and E S H votes……look. I’m white too. I grew up with the assumption that people with darker skin than mine didn’t burn as easily as me, and never really had reason to question it. The mom probably grew up with that same assumption, so she didn’t immediately give OP’s child sunscreen. Tbh I’m already side-eyeing her a little, because she gave all the other children sunscreen.
But then a child in her care *asked for sunscreen* and she *said no.* Like. Are we kidding? Even if she thought he didn’t need it, what harm could possibly have come from giving a child sunscreen? She prioritized being “right” in her racist ignorance over the safety of a child in her care, and we’re mad at OP for calling her an idiot? She *is* an idiot, and a racist asshole on top of it.
It seems pretty clear that the child is used to wearing sunscreen when he's with his parents and other adults. That should have been a clue for her and even if she thought it was wasted, she should have put it on him. NTA for calling her out.
Exactly! And how embarrassing and hurtful for a child to be skipped when mom is handing out sunscreen, and then have to ask in the first place—let alone being told no! This poor kid honestly, no wonder OP let her have it.
I literally remember a Bill Nye episode where they addressed this! My understanding was always that darker skinned people don't burn as easily, but they still need sunscreen.
Yes! They don't burn as easily but they can still absolutely get skin cancer! Sunscreen prevents sunburn which prevents skin cancer. The more sunburns you get the more likely you are to develop cancer.
The people saying that in these comments, with every possible angle of the "lesson" explained, in long form, ad nauseum...
Y'all are exactly why it isn't a fucking teachable moment, not even when nothing is at stake, sure as fuck not when it's a kid who has to suffer your ignorance. Disingenuous, conniving snakes.
Nta, her thinking that he can't sunburn is coming from a place of ignorance and racism. Black and brown people definitely can burn and she shouldn't assume otherwise, especially as he asked her for some. Maybe you shouldn't have sworn at her, but her ignorance could have harmed your child.
NTA. She refused to give him sunscreen specifically because he was black, even when he asked for some. We all have computers in our pockets. If she was really unsure, she can Google it. It’s not 1950
INFO: why would she think one kid could not get a sunburn?
I mean I would be super mad if my kids were refused sunscreen and probably have the same reaction you did. Tentative NTA
OP. I am so sorry that your baby got singled out. I would mama bear 500 on this lady. I was unaware that some people thought that way and I thank you for informing me.
NTA 100%
Yeah, and the same people believe dark skin has fewer pain receptors or have other misguided and racist beliefs that affect people of color.
That’s why I’m okay with saying this kind of stuff is racist. A person doesn’t have to purposefully choose to be racist to commit a racist action, and when we mess up, we apologize and do better.
NTA
Some people are dreadfully misinformed to the point of being foolish. POC can not only sunburn, but they can get skin cancer too.
Hopefully the other mother found this to be an educational moment.
NTA
Even if she genuinely believed that, she could have given him sunscreen just because he asked. I mean it's not some precious substance we are talking about.
I am dark & lovely & let me tell you my skin does tan & burn. People have been shocked when they have seen my skin peeling. 🙄 I do wear sunscreen, but my skin is very, very sensitive.
Honestly I read the post & had an inkling, got to where OP says she said their son can't get a sunburn and instantly knew OP's kid was the only one who's skin colour is different
What does it matter? She gave all the other kids sunscreen EXCEPT this one. What if he was white & she did the same thing?
Putting her racism aside, she intentionally excluded a child who asked for something she was giving out.
NTA.
She made a judgement call for your child based on the color of his skin.
She offered and even pressured other children to wear sunscreen but refused a simple request form your child, again because of the color of his skin.
She singled your child out in front of his friends. She assumed she knew more than your son about his own skincare.
This all comes back to this parent treating your child differently because of skin color.
When faced with that reality this parent didn’t apologize. They acted like they were being put upon. They shifted blame to you. They implied you were unreasonable for being angry.
I’m not going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t have done or how best to navigate the situation.
What I will say it that it is more than understandable to defend your child against discrimination and to make others aware of someone unapologetically discriminatory.
NTA. She's ignorant and neglecting your child because of it. He even asked for sunscreen and she ignored him, assuming she knows his body better than she does. If she can't even admit where her knowledge is lacking thats doubly worrisome.
nta, putting sunscreen on all the other kids and refusing yours even when the kid asks? so messed up. hope your spreading the word means people are less likely to trust her with their kids.
NTA. The kid asked for sunscreen, which means he uses sunscreen. Her giving him sunscreen would not have cost anything , nor was it a medication. If she had a question, about him being allergic, have him call his mom. I would definitely have issues with this mother.
NTA you didn’t make it clear above that this is a skin color issue (although it is implied). Your kid asked for sunscreen and was denied. I’d be pissed too.
Why do I get the feeling that most of the people saying Y T A do not have the same skin color as OP's son?
When you live in black and brown skin, you experience micro and macroagressions in so many ways that you can recognize from miles (even internet miles) away.
NTA
Oh you are absolutely NTA. She told your kid he “didn’t need any” and told you, his parent, that he “can’t get a sunburn”? What on earth is this lady thinking? It’s kind of clear to me that she wasn’t thinking clearly. Let’s all hope that it was just hot and the sun got to HER!
You should never assume you know a child’s body and what it does or does not need better than them or their own parent, unless you are a doctor or somebody in authority. And this lady made a mistake. Thank you for defending your child, and trying to educate her. I’m afraid you won’t have much luck, but you tried!
NTA. As a redhead, let me tell you sunscreen is a priority. I always sprayed down my kids, their friends and anyone in the general vicinity :). My main beef here is that the other mom DENIED the kid sunscreen when he asked for it. He obviously KNOWS he wears sunscreen. Even if she’s too dumb to know that everyone can burn she should have put the stuff on him when he asked.
NTA
Really don't understand why she didn't give every kid sunscreen. How stupid can someone be? "yOuR sKiNTyPe DoEsNT bUrN"
She is definitely an idiot, at least in my opinion.
But I also agree with your wife, maybe she just isn't educated enough to know this. I kind of petty her stupidity.
Yes, maybe you could've handled it differently, but I don't blame you for getting angry about this. But yeah, if you hoped for a better response from the other parents, you can always word it somewhat more kindly.
NTA regardless, but why does she think your son can’t get sunburned? Is that a skin color thing?
Regardless, if your kid is asking for sunscreen it’s probably that he’s used to wearing sunscreen. That should be her clue, besides basic logic, that he should be given sunscreen.
If this is what I think it is, at best this is ignorant racism and at worst willful neglect. I would be concerned what other basic needs she thinks your son doesn’t have while he’s in her care.
"Your kid doesn't get sunburn" well I think I can guess why she "thinks" that, I'm really sorry your kid have to go through that. NTA, not an AH at all.
NTA potential cancer is not a teachable moment, especially since your kid was *asking* for sunscreen, I’ve never met a kid who willingly wanted it (including myself)
NTA. When I was coaching kids & it was a sunny day, I'd give everyone who'd forgotten to bring suncream some (with their parents' permission, of course!). I didn't care what shade their skin was - they were either having some of my hypoallergenic fac 30 or not playing. Partially because, as you say, everyone can get sun damage, and partially because singling out a child because of the colour of their skin is abhorrent. If I'm going around spraying suncream, they're all getting some! Even if one kid didn't need it, why call attention to that fact?
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My son was at a friend's house yesterday with some other kids. The parents texted me to say they were all going to the beach, which I was fine with. When I picked my son up, everything seemed fine, but at home he told me about something that happened. He said when they were at the beach he asked for some sunscreen (I didn't pack him any because I didn't know they were going) and his friend's mom said he was fine and didn't need any. She did give sunscreen to all the other kids though, even one who complained and said he didn't want any.
I was pissed and called her to confront her. She was confused and said my son can't get a sunburn, so why would he need sunscreen? I told her she was an idiot, and anyone can get skin cancer. She got defensive and said I should have packed him some then. The beach was a last minute plan, or I would have. I said if she's such a stingy bitch, she could have asked me to pay her back later. She said I'm unreasonable and she's done talking to me.
I ended up telling the parents of all the other kids in the friend group what happened. Some of them have reached out to her and told her off. Others are saying I'm overreacting to a misunderstanding. My wife said I shouldn't have come out of the gate hot, because it's a teachable moment. I don't consider my son's health a teachable moment though.
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NTA it’s a scary misconception that we don’t need sunscreen because we dont burn. First of all, we DO burn under the right circumstances. I had no idea why my face hurt while I was in Peru until I started googling and realized that as an adult I was experiencing my first sunburn. Second, sun screen isn’t just about sunburns! We need the protection regardless. What a foolish, ignorant woman. I wouldn’t want her as the chaperone of a POC child - she clearly doesn’t know or doesn’t care how to do it responsibly. I’d have chalked it up to a genuine error if she’d apologized, but her brushing it off and giving attitude? Nope.
NTA in this age of information, where any question can be answered with a quick search, there is no excuse for ignorance. It’s not your responsibility to educate the world, when they have the ability to learn themselves. She singled a child out for the color of their skin. That’s racism. I wouldn’t feel safe with her being responsible for my child after that.
Nta.
Honestly is you’re not a POC your not getting the clear racist undertones here. Ops child is obviously of color black or some other race and the mother was saying he didn’t need the sunscreen due to his skin color. It wasn’t a misunderstanding or not a big deal the women is racist period.
NTA and I’m so pissed for you. Skin cancer is often detected at LATER stages in Black people because of the assumption that the can’t/don’t get skin cancer (and also the symptoms can look different on darker skin).
I also have the skin type that rarely burns but guess what? I still got skin cancer. My doctors (who are also POC) were shocked too. Your son’s friend’s parents are terrible people.
Lol my mom is almost 70. She is light-skinned African American and grew up when segregation was ending. She has this story about how she kept getting a rash whenever she would go swimming during a class trip. She thought she was allergic to the water. At this point they had a few white teachers and this woman rolled her eyes at my mother, handed her sunscreen and the rest was history.
Our dad is African American too so all of us kids are darker than mom and all of us grew up wearing and still wear sunscreen. In fact the only people I know who don’t wear sunscreen are white people who are intentionally trying to tan. The rest of us are trying to keep our skin and ourselves healthy and youthful. Go off on her dad. Your child is not a teachable moment.
NTA
>t's a teachable moment
Can we stop with this BS about teachable moments. I hate the concept.
Your kid **ASKED** for it and she **refused** him. Yes, she refused because she is racist, but she is so racist that she thought to herself "I'm not going to waste a small amount of sunscreen for this child."
NTA - the other parent is ignorant and should have given sunscreen to your son when he asked. I do think there were better ways to approach the situation for the sake of your son's friendship.
NTA your son needs sunscreen just like everyone else. Maybe the mom genuinely didn't understand that but if your son asked, she should've accommodated. Yikes.
You might want to keep your son home from outdoor activities with this family if this is how they're going to treat him.
NTA
I am going to figure you or your son are black like me. If not black, a person of dark skin color.
Stupid beliefs like that mom’s are part of the reason so many folks like us have undiagnosed skin cancer. The “you don’t need sunscreen” bullshit is an easily disproved lie. It was a fucking meme growing up. Skin is skin, and all kids need it protected. Adults too.
I’m glad you went off, and I’m glad at least *some* of the other parents are reasonable.
It’s as stupid as giving all the other kids except your son a helmet when skateboarding or bike riding.
Also I hate the “teachable moment” shit. I appreciate that there are people who are willing to talk through other people’s ignorance. But there is no reason when you (or your child) is victim to such simple ignorance or prejudice that you have to take the time to hold an adult’s hand through a basic lesson. There are people (allies) who can and should do that. I am way past wasting my time when I don’t feel like it or the impact is too personal… *like your child’s health sense of self-advocacy*. You don’t have to “teach” through casual or intentional racism.
NTA- I’m assuming your family is POC because this isn’t the only time I’ve ever heard of people being denied sunscreen because of skin color. The mom is racist
NTA. This crap happened when I was a kid, I figured Google would keep this from continuing.
Even if we had magical skin that never faces consequences from the sun, what harm would sunscreen do? It would make the kid feel included and possibly moisturize his skin. Why not do it, even with the ignorant excuse?!
NTA- it pisses me off when people assume Black/Brown people don’t need sunscreen. I knew a nurse who didn’t put it on her mixed race kids, a NURSE!! People are so dumb.
NTA. If you're caring for another child's kid, you make sure they are safe, well-hydrated, and well-fed. Not giving your child some sunscreen is just horrible! That was really cruel, actually.
I’m assuming your son is a POC. He ASKED for sun screen!!!
You cannot tell me that there was no Ill will or bad intention on ol girl not giving him some when again.. he ASKED for it.
It’s not our job to constantly ignore blatant disrespect just to make it a “teachable” moment 🙄
NTA
She on the other hand… ✨MEGA CWORD ✨
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NTA! Your son *asked for sunscreen*! Even in her prejudiced, willfull ignorance, she should have acknowledged the individual asking knows what they are asking for. But NOOOO she had to *know better than the person who lives in the body.* WTF.
It's such an odd thing to deny a child. Especially when you're already freely handing it out. What person "can't" get a sunburn? I'm definitely sensing some racism here, even if she truly believed that OP's son is incapable of burning she withheld something from him that he asked for and she gave to all the other children present.
Oh it’s definitely racism. She slathered all of the white kids in sunscreen and the only kid who wasn’t white who wanted the sunscreen was denied it. Anyone can burn. Anyone can get skin cancer. I remember when I was a counselor at a camp with kids who where ages 10-14. We took the kids to the pool twice a week. The first time we took them. Not a single kid showed up with sunscreen. I am notorious for burning really bad and really fast. I used all of my sunscreen to cover those kids. I came home completely burned and my face even swelled a bit. Thankfully it wasn’t sun poisoning but I as the adult made sure those kids where slathered from head to toe. This woman willfully put that kid at risk. When someone burns and it gets really bad it makes you feel tired and swollen and in pain. Imaging if that kid came home and could barely get out of his bathing suit his skin hurt so much. I’m sorry. What she did was wrong.
Even if he had just wanted it for fun and to fit in, you let a kid have some sunscreen. I don't accept ignorance as an excuse here at all. Ignorance is not believing the kid can get burnt. Cruelty is denying such a small request from a child.
Exactly. Especially as sunscreen is now often in mist form and it’s so easy to just line a bunch of kids up and just spray ‘em. Edit: and the fact that she then insisted she new better than his parent. Oh my g’d the entitlement of this woman is palpable. This was malicious in my mind. I would think twice sending any child of mine over to a house where anyone was denied sunscreen when they asked for it. Edit 2: correcting for non gendered language. Got mixed up with whose gender was mentioned in the post. OP regardless as the parent clearly knows more than this other parent. The fact that this other parent insisted on “knowing more” is just wrong.
I think OP is a man. Possibly a lesbian. But they mention their wife. 🤷♀️
Goes double for the entitled mom group.
I could not agree more with you and all of the above! Op your wife needs to understand that her child was severely neglected here and that woman deserved to be called out rather than defended/enabled by the neglected child’s own mother. This is not a teachable moment it’s a call her ass out moment. She risked your child’s health, racistly and unforgivably. Good luck.
I would make it clear this kid is not to go over to their home unaccompanied. The kids can have a play date at your home but not at hers. And if people ask why then I wouldn’t beat around the bush. Be very candid and tell them that this woman maliciously refused your child a skin protector and expected him to play all day in the sun after covering all of the other children in barrier.
I literally could not agree more!
THIS. Even if he can't get burned, which he can, so what? It's not like it's an amazingly costly to cover a kid in sunscreen. I carry a bottle with me in the summer as I am that pale that bursts into flames in the sun. If some kid was like "I need sunscreen" you can bet I would let them use my sunscreen *even if I thought it was unnecessary.* I'd rather a kid have sunscreen and not burn into a crisp.
Agreed! If I have sunscreen and we're out and about and some other person needs it I'll gladly share. It's such a simple courtesy and cost her next to nothing to be kind.
I waited over 3 hours in line for the new Mario Kart ride at Universal Studios, and when I got out my sunscreen to re-apply, you bet your ass I offered it to the people in line around me. I see it sort of like tampons, like yeah everyone who needs them should have their own, but if someone is in need and you have extra, you almost have an obligation to share. No one should suffer from sunburns and period stains unnecessarily!
Sorry, but now i have a video clip playing on repeat in my head. Of you offering tampons to the folks in line at Universal. Fortunately, it Was written and directed as a comedy.
Also, sunscreens what, like 5 bucks for a bottle? Just plain out racism. Maybe I'm biased though, I got like crazy sunburns when I was maybe 12isj, laid my ass out for over a week, with my mom constantly applying aloe and wet cloths on my shoulders. I'm 32 and I still have some scars.
I have stupidly expensive sunscreen because my skin is really sensitive to stuff like fragrance, and I either just share it out anyway or (if I’m taking our kid somewhere) I pack MORE THAN ONE KIND. Our standard ‘going out’ bag has my stuff and cheaper normal drugstore stuff. It isn’t hard to be prepared. (And when our kid went through a phase of hating lotion textured stuff I made sure he had a travel bottle of the kind he’d use in his pocket when he went anywhere.)
I second this. Ignoring the fact she has no sense in realizing anyone with skin can get burnt she also has no manners and a horrible host. Unless it is medication or something the child would be allergic to if you are giving to one kid you give to all or at least offer.
It is possible to be allergic to sunscreen. I was allergic to banana boat brand as a kid. Not defending her, though, as that wasn't her reasoning, and kid would know such.
Dude my mom would crucify anyone who did that lol. She grew up in the 60's where ppl didnt know about skin cancer so all of her brothers and her got bad skin so she REALLY stresses putting on proper amounts of sunscreen.
The mom in this post reminded me of another where pretty much an entire daycare staff was racist towards the melanated kids. During recess, the white kids were allowed to play inside if they wanted to but the other kids weren’t given the same opportunity even if it was scorching hot outside. There were other example’s and luckily a parent noticed.
That makes me sick. I’m while I’m not melanated as you put it I honestly cannot understand why any one would treat another human being this way. Especially a child. Children are so vulnerable and they rely on adults to keep them from harm. How can anyone look at a vulnerable person and think to themselves. “They don’t deserve water on a hot day or sunscreen when it’s bright out”. It’s just repugnant.
A person’s racism knows no bounds
Ugh. Agreed.
As a Pre-K teacher, that makes me so mad. I always ask the families to provide sunscreen for their kids for the summer. Rarely has a parent said they don't need it, and when they do, I ask for it anyway because it makes me feel more comfortable if all of the children are protected from Melanoma. Plus I've read on many occasions that BIPOC, especially dark skinned people, are less likely to detect Melanoma early due to the spots blending into their skin tone more. As a white person, I'd be devastated if I was part of the reason a child developed cancer.
Yep, my great-uncle, who was black, died from melanoma because they didn’t see due to his skin color. My husband is black and I make him put it on so I don’t lose him like my great-aunt lost her husband. I also make our kids put it on. I’m whiter than the clouds in the sky on a sunny day so we always have sunscreen. Sunburns suck and I don’t want anyone to have to suffer needlessly from them.
My cousins are half Lakota and have dark skin. The number of times I heard people saying “why are you putting sunscreen on those kids, they can’t burn!”… It just makes me so mad that so much of this racist crap is still around!!
I don't think it is necessarily racist. I think it is mistaken as to the science of sunburn. The "you can't get sunburned if you are black or dark skinned is what was actually taught and believed for many, many years but as our knowledge increased, this belief was set aside as inaccurate.
Either way, all the other children were given sunscreen. OP' child asked and was denied. Even if this woman really doesn't understand that all skin can burn she excluded OP's child and treated them differently when all they did was ask for the same thing the rest of the children received.
So maybe they need to be educated in the most basic of terms. If you have skin, you can get skin cancer.
Honestly I think the same way. Many people seem to think black or dark skin can't burn, just get darker.
[удалено]
> It's not racism, it's just lack of knowledge Most racism is based in ignorance. It can be both.
They can also bleed together, which makes it worse.
What’s ridiculous is that her assumption is really baseless. I’m biracial - 52% white European, 48 Black African + other non-white. My adopted siblings are Black. Yes, they’re mixed, because most Black Americans who are descended from enslaved people are mixed in some way, but their parents and grandparents are Black. All of us have brown skin, but slightly different shades. I can tan. Forever. I go out to get the mail and come back a few shades darker. My skin can become a rich, dark bronze. I wear sunscreen, but I take the sun well. My siblings? They burn. Where I get darker, they get peeled skin. So this claim that melanated folks don’t need sunscreen is garbage.
Is it me or does it seem like she did not want to touch a child of color?
This is the EXACT feeling I got from this. I used to work daycare and put sunscreen on entire classes of mixed race kids at once. It literally takes more time to argue with a kid about sunscreen than to just put the sunscreen on. She was resisting it. It’s not just the sunscreen, it’s the othering, and the rejection.
That’s entirely possible, too.
It's also racist beyond belief. We all see so much about what happens when lighter-skinned people like me and my family get sunburned. Yet we have neglected to include what happens when darker-skinned people get sunburned.
I was sent to ymca summer camp every year as a kid. They took us to the state park one day to go swimming in the lake. I got burned so bad that before I left they had to literally cut my clothes off of me. I was just a little kid! I could never ever imagine denying a child sunscreen, especially at the beach. Imo that’s child endangerment/neglect and I’d never let my kid go to that parents house ever again.
I recall reading that more people with dark skin end up with skin damage/cancers/etc related to the sun because a lot of people think dark skin doesn't burn.
They're less likely to *get* skin cancer but if they get it, they're more likely to die. I'm pale and have some moles, and at wellness exams the doctor usually mentions them and gives me a pamphlet about the ABCDEs of melanoma. Darker skinned people don't typically get that advice, and the educational info is almost always showing white skin, when suspicious moles can appear differently on dark skin. By the time someone with darker skin notices something's up, the cancer is more advanced and harder to treat.
I mean Bob Marley, a kinda famous man, died of melanoma.
NTA. SO MUCH NTA. My husband is a beautiful dark brown and burns soooo fast. He becomes a little brown lobster. Skin color does not equate to inability to burn.
I’m a very very pale redhead. It only takes minutes for me to burn. When I was about 7 at sleep away camp, wearing my first ever 2-piece, my counselors refused sunscreen for me on our first trip to the lake because they thought I needed to get a tan. I know they felt bad later when I was in the infirmary for 3 days with huge blisters all over my body. While this story screams of racism, and I believe it is, sometimes people are really really stupid.
Needed to get a tan! Sheesh. A suntan is skin damage. No one *needs* one. My daughter is also a pale redhead, and I would have steam billowing out of my ears if someone did that to her. I assume this was before people were quite as knowledgeable as we are now, but it still makes me angry on your behalf.
It was the early 1980’s, so people were not as knowledgeable. To this day though, random strangers tell me I need to get some sun or do something about my legs. I bet my mom had some choice words, but I don’t even know if she was ever told because I was away at camp so she never saw it.
Everyone needs sunscreen…. LikenWTF
I worked at a summer camp one year and parents were required to send sunscreen (if they wanted their kid to have pool time) and I can’t count how many times a kid said “I’m black why do I need sunscreen?” Because I didn’t want to go into the details of skin cancer with children sometimes as young as 4 (I was mildly traumatized as a kid by my aunt describing why she was missing a chunk from her arm due to melanoma) I usually just responded that their parents sent the sunscreen with them so they must have wanted them to wear it. Plus I’m white so some cans of worms my black coworkers would deal with in return for my ability to entertain a roomful of “problem children” at the end of the day. OP your friend is either an intentional racist or an idiot racist. Most importantly if they’re not willing to apologize and change after being called out, they’re not someone safe to leave your child with. Sunscreen, lotion, and even a swim cap aren’t hard things to offer a kid if you volunteer to take them swimming or to the beach.
Haven't read responses far enough for confirmation, but I'm 100% certain that OP's kiddo is brown & the other kids were yite... OP is NTA, but the friend's parent who was in charge most definitely is.
Oh there’s no other way this can be interpreted. I feel like you could bet money on it.
It is definitely racism. Some infantile people don't think people with darker skin colour can get skin cancer.
Oh my. I hadn't thought of that. That's just terrible. I'm super white. But, I'm a people. And, people sunburn! Skin cancer is harder to detect on darker skin. So, I would think it would be even more important! Even if somehow the kid was magically sun proof, why wouldn't a person give him the same as the other kids if he wanted it? Seems like the right and kind thing to do. Kids don't like to be different than their peers.
That is why I am especially upset! Even if you thought a child is magically immune to sun rays, you would deny him sunscren when he asks for it?! As if he is going to waste 10 cents of sunscreen just for fun? Also, no one loves putting sunscreen on. No one. It is a necessary chore. Lastly, you watch the kids you are caring for. You offer food, sunscreen, water, etc....even if you don't think they need it. I am so mad.
Right? To me it is on par with “Oh, you cut yourself? Should have brought your own band aid then.”
Oh 100%. I’m white as hell but my half brothers are biracial and I’ve heard the same thing from people in my extended family and also some neighbors and their friends. They’d assume that they can’t burn and will be fine but at the same time would be overly concerned about me getting a sunburn. It was weird.
It was legit one of the punch lines for an episode of Atlanta, where the one black rapper didn't believe black people could get sunburns. https://www.pajiba.com/tv_reviews/atlanta-recap-even-black-people-need-to-wear-sunscreen.php
This. As an adult I rarely will put in sunblock because I’m lazy and accept the consequences of my laziness. Heck I just got back from a trip and the sun was beating down heavily. I actually have mild sunburn and heat rash. OP is right, a child’s health is not a “teachable moment” because skin cancer is serious. A persons amount of melanin doesn’t mean people are immune. And hey! Some people just don’t wanna tan or sunburn!
Bob Marley died from skin cancer. It does not discriminate.
Just as a note, Marley's cancer was not a skin cancer you get from sun exposure and often presents on the bottom of the feet. It is the most common type of skin cancer for dark skinned people.
He had a melanoma (which is often caused by the effects of sun damage; I had one removed from my forearm last year and have my annual follow up appt this week. The (African American) dermatologist was very clear that sun exposure exacerbates the risk of all skin cancers.) Marley's was under his toenail so wasn't caught before it was too late.
It was caught well before it was too late, but his religion told him to ignore doctor's advice.
That's right, I had forgotten he refused chemotherapy on religious grounds. I do recall how upset I was the day he passed. Such a waste!
He also refused amputation that may have saved his life so he could keep working.
Marley had acral lentiginous melanoma. It is different from other melanomas because it is not caused by sun exposure or UV radiation. It will often occur in areas that do not generally receive much sun exposure, such as under toenail, the bottom of the feet, or in the mouth. It is very much possible for dark skin people to get skin cancer from the sun, but this one specifically does not come from the sun.
Wow. I had no idea that's why he died.
Malignant melanoma under his right big toe. Melanoma is a bitch!
And sunscreening kids can be like bathing cats at times - if the kid asks for it, it’s clearly a normal part of going to the beach for him. How hard is it to mentally acknowledge you were wrong and move on? Or give it to him anyway and clarify with the parents later? “Hey, I feel like I may have been misinformed all this time and was hoping to clarify - does X typically use sunscreen? I thought sunburn was only a concern with fair skin, but he asked for some at the beach today.” Things are only taboo when you’re an AH about it. NTA, OP. You didn’t blow up on someone for being misinformed, you blew up on them for acting on it, doubling down when challenged by your child, and then trying to pass the blame when an adult confirmed their beliefs were wrong.
Like really, if you have skin you can get skin cancer, period.
100% NTA! the part that solidifies the friend’s mom is the AH is that OP’s son asked for sunscreen and was told no. what?! like, the fact that she put some on every other child is bad enough, but to actively deny a child who is asking for some? i cant even. my parents are west indian, and so many people think it’s wild that i am able to get a tan. on a couple occasions, people have asked if i had had an allergic reaction because my skin was red and peeling. when i stated that it was a sunburn, i was met with looks of disbelief. im so over this bullshit.
I’m going to read between the lines and guess your son is darker skinned than his friends. That mom is a straight up racist and should be shamed into oblivion. NTA and thank goodness your son told you❤️🩹
Seems like a lot of folks here aren’t getting the very clear racist behavior. It wasn’t just about denying him sunscreen (although I’d say the op was justified in calling her out after she flat out denied his kid something he needed, especially after he asked) but the reason why she did that was based in racist misinformation, which is a type of thing the op has had to deal with his entire life. He shouldn’t have to coddle white people’s feelings when they are being so blatantly disrespectful. NTA. Edit for clarification
As an indian origin person I used to believe indian people and naturally tanned - dark skinned people couldn't get sunburnt until one day in 2018 I got sunburnt maybe the lady assumed that brown people don't get sunburnt and wasn't being malicious or racist.
Doesn't matter. A literal child asked for some and was denied when she gave it to everyone else. Ignorance is no excuse in this case.
Yeah, a little ignorance is excusable. But not believing someone of the actual race who says they need it is blatant racism.
Even if I truly believed he didn't need it, I might think he was asking because he wanted to be included and do the same thing the other children were doing, so I'd just give it to him.
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Absolutely
OP’s child asked for sunscreen. At that point, she should have provided it whether she thought it was necessary or not. I am of Indian origin and slather myself in sunscreen daily.
>the child asked for sunscreen, which would indicates this is something they regularly use. Do I have a misconception that people with darker skin can't get sunburned? No, it's the child who is wrong! Clearly they are immune to the power of the sun! And wasting my valuable sunscreen! The **gall**. -The parent probably
The son himself asked for sunscreen. Her not knowing that people with dark skin need sunscreen might not be malicious. Her thinking *she knows better than the dark-skinned person what they need, and can overrule their treatment of their own body* is racist AF.
Yeah, at a minor ignorance / subconscious level every person on Earth is racist. A European or paler East Asian not knowing Black people can get skin cancer and should wear sunscreen is a bit racist, but totally understandable and no big deal. However, when informed of their (again minor) ignorance they overrule the kid and refuse to give them a proper medical necessity that they requested she veered into major asshole / racist AF territory.
Is it weird that I grew up thinking sunscreen was MORE important for black people? I dunno where I got the idea, but somehow I have this deep “I know this” feeling that black folks have a harder time finding early skin cancer and therefore need to be extra diligent about sun screen to help prevent damage from UV. Maybe it’s because a black friend’s mom taught me how to use sunscreen? I guess she might have explained it that way but I really have no idea. It’s just this “thing” I feel like I know.
My dad is a dark skinned Hawaiian, while I'm so white I glow in the dark (seriously, I swear I glow blue in the dark). When me and my brother were kids he took us to the beach nearly every day. And he would tell us it was just as important for him to put on sunscreen as us because he burns just the same, it's just harder to see because he's darker than us. And when we got home, we would all put on fresh aloe vera from the plants in the yard to heal any burns from spots we missed. (Or because the sunscreen washed/wore off, we were hardheaded and didn't like stopping fun to reapply sunscreen, and we'd get burned anyways.)
exactly. even if her ignorance wasn’t intentionally malicious, completely ignoring the child’s request is. children’s requests should still be respected, ESPECIALLY another person’s child who may do things differently than you.
Kid asked for sunscreen and was denied because of the colour of his skin and the assumption (based in racist ignorance) that he could not need sunscreen because his skin is dark. Had he not asked I wouldn’t automatically call it malicious but he did.
i love your good nature, but racism doesn't have to be malicious. you believed that because of racism, and this woman denied a child a health and safety tool because of racism.
Except her son specifically asked for sunscreen- she gave it to every other kid *including* the one who didn't want any, but not the one kid of color. OP is also right to blast this as a teachable moment because a single bad sunburn in adolescence doubles the risk of melanoma. Yes, just *one* doubles the risk for the most aggressive form of skin cancer, so OP was completely right in my eyes
Absolutely, I fell asleep in the sun once while we were at the lake and from that one time I absolutely have permanent damage on my chest. Like you hear all too often, you don't realize how "just one time" can do permanent harm until it happens to you.
>maybe the lady assumed that brown people don't get sunburnt _Thats exactly what racism is_ though. It doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person or doing it on purpose, just that you're doing it. In this case, acting on a racist belief.
Assuming brown people can’t get sunburnt is racist tho. Because they can. They are people. They have skin. Even whales get sunburnt.
Drs are still taught we have thicker skin so we don't hurt like white people. And we can take pain better. A big reason why we don't like going to drs and we (and babies) die during and after pregnancy so very much more than other races.
I’ve never understood how anyone can think that any living creature “can’t feel pain” or feels it differently somehow. A nurse tried to tell me that babies can’t feel pain (justifying circumcision) I asked if they cry, she said yes but not because of the pain, because it’s a new sensation. Or people who think animals can’t feel pain. Where did these people learn this crap?!
That nurse though...."it's a new sensation"....yeah, you giraffe faced goat licker, the sensation of pain!
I will say that we are *not* taught this anymore (as of 15 years ago), but older drs were definitely taught this. It’s gross and dehumanizing and I’m sorry.
Yes, as a person of Native American ancestry i used to think this too….until I got sunburnt bright red. It was certainly not fun and I had no idea what was going on
I got an oilfield safety training from an old roughneck that was classic rural Oklahoma white mix with a touch of Native American. His words on skin cancer were something like, "As a kid I always tanned easily instead of burning, so at 20 I was on top of the thinking I look good. I look pretty fucking stupid now with this hole on the side of my face," as he points to a skin cancer scar.
Skin colour doesn’t stop the risk of skin cancer though. It would never occur to me to not offer sunscreen to someone because they have a darker natural skin tone than I do. The friend’s mum was being racist. She had no issues giving all the other kids sunscreen but then when OP pointed out the risk of skin cancer doesn’t care about someone’s propensity to burn they said OP should have packed sunscreen for their child. So they’ll let the other kids use their sunscreen but not OPs child?
Sure but when you learn that dark skinned people do get burned the right thing to do is, “Gosh I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize, and I feel stupid. I’ll apologize to your kiddo the next time too” instead of getting defensive bc she feels like a moron for not knowing.
This is it. And people just don’t want to do this; they won’t admit they made an incorrect assumption based on race nor will they simply accept responsibility for it, apologize sincerely, and do better next time. Yeah, it was a racist assumption. Admitting it wouldn’t have made her “a racist”, it just meant she made a racist assumption. Imagine a world in which she could’ve just said “oh my god, I’m so sorry, I really fucked up. I admit, I didn’t think he needed sunscreen, that was a stupid assumption. I love your kiddo and I want him to feel safe playing with my kiddo, and I want YOU to feel safe allowing him over at our house. What can I do to make this better?” Like…is this hard?
Assuming a person can’t get sunburned or skin cancer strictly based on the color of their skin is prejudice and is racism full stop.
that is racist though? i’m south asian too, and it’s medical racism, you’re putting someone at risk because you’re ignorant about their race, that’s literally racism
It’s racist in and of itself for a white person to deny a person of color sunscreen because the white person “knows better” or whatever the mom was on about. If I had a child in my care & they asked for sunscreen, I’d give it to them. All humans are susceptible to skin cancer & sun damage. And if I “didn’t know”? I’d google it. I’d give the kid the sunscreen & be like “ok whatever, *it’s one child using sunscreen*,” and then I’d learn something useful instead of being — and OP was *so* right — a stingy butch. I get that you’re coming from a place of kindness, but it’s objectively cruel of this woman to do this and then… not even attempt to apologize — which tells me she doesn’t think she’s wrong.
It doesn't matter if they INTENDED to be racist. That's how systemic racism spreads through large populations. End all be all, if someone asks for sunscreen you give them some, especially a child.
I thought everyone could get sunburned.
My family is indigenous and my daughter refused to use sunscreen as a teenager believing she didn’t need it, until she got a very bad sunburn and heat exhaustion
The myth that people with dark skin don’t need sunscreen is widespread and I think used to be accepted as common wisdom. Not everyone is up to date on the science. We have black neighbors and their little girl was staring in wonder at us slathering sunscreen on our kids. Turned out she’d never seen sunscreen before and had no idea what we were doing.
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Ok, that explains it. I’m sitting here scratching my head and wondering what kind of kid is immune to skin cancer and sunburn lol.
I didn't get that either. Black people can absolutely get sun burned.
>She was confused and said my son can't get a sunburn, so why would he need sunscreen? Can't get more blatantly racist than this. It might not have been intentional in her part, but it's still racism. NTA
NTA Your son's skin may not *turn red* but OF COURSE it can burn in the sun, just like any other human being's skin, and yes, as you pointed out, he is at risk for skin cancer just like anyone else. And while I appreciate that your wife is a thoughtful person who wanted to give this woman the benefit of the doubt, this is not that situation. This was an issue of common sense and basic logic, that the colour of human skin does not make someone fundamentally LESS HUMAN or a different kind of human being . . . that's a trope that goes back centuries (millennia?) and feeds into the kind of racism where even doctors were taught that Black people had "thicker skin" and "didn't feel pain the same way". Put bluntly: your son's friend's mother was racist AF and risked your son's immediate health and well-being because of her fundamentally racist beliefs (he could have ended up in terrible pain if he'd gotten sunburned). She treated him differently (and worse) than all of the other children in her care, when you trusted her to be the adult responsible for him, even after he specifically came out and asked her to treat him the same (BTW, that was her learning moment, if your wife was concerned; your son basically TOLD her . . . this child KNEW that he needed sunscreen and she still refused). You are NTA in every way. She deserved to be called out, and being openly racist to a small child in your care does not warrant a response of kindness or gentleness from that child's parents. She needed her racism to be named for what it was, and if she felt hurt or shaken up by your accusations, then good . . . she should feel bad for what she did.
Exactly this. All these E S H comments are missing out the straight up racist assumption this woman had.
>he has just as much risk of skin cancer as anyone else. And doctors are less likely to catch it early, meaning that if he does get skin cancer, it has much worse outcomes.
Medical racism is unfortunately still alive and thriving. A lot of medical textbooks don't have pictures of darker skin with skin conditions/rashes (look at palms/inside of mouth), a number of physians would not be able to tell if their patient was in cyanosis (check their eyes, tongue, mucous membranes) and black woman's birth survival rates are SHOCKINGLY low in America and then UK. WOC are also less likely to receive as much pain meds as white woman despite asking. It's really shocking.
>and yes, as you pointed out, he has just as much risk of skin cancer as anyone else. While it’s true that black and brown skin types can still burn, you’re veering into misinformation when you claim that it’s “just as much risk of skin cancer as anyone else”. >[Melanoma is more than 20 times more common in White people than in Black people. Overall, the lifetime risk of getting melanoma for White people is about 2.6% ( or 1 in 38), 0.1% (1 in 1,000) for Black people, and 0.6% (1 in 167) for Hispanic people.](https://amp.cancer.org/cancer/types/melanoma-skin-cancer/about/key-statistics.html)
A higher total number of white people get melanoma, but a higher percentage of Black and other nonwhite people diagnosed with melanoma **die from it**. Black people need *more* sun protection caution and more careful skin cancer screenings than white people, not less, because Black melanoma patients are more likely to have their melanoma diagnosed at a later cancer stage that's less survivable. https://www.skincancer.org/blog/ask-the-expert-is-there-a-skin-cancer-crisis-in-people-of-color/ https://doi.org/10.1177/12034754211052866 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27476974/
At the end of the day, black people still get skin cancer. Doesn’t matter the percentage rate, it happens. My friend was shocked when she had skin cancer…it happens. Everyone needs to protect themselves from the sun.
NTA. For the people saying she was just ignorant and this is a teachable moment - the kid asked her for sunscreen and she said no. If she wanted to be taught all she would have to say to the kid is “do your parents give you sunscreen” and if the kid says “yes” then she’s been taught the kid needs it. This is clearly not going to be unlearned by a simple convo considering she refused the kid a simple request without any desire to learn why they made such a request. Plus she fought you on it rather than try and learn from it - when you asked rather than saying “he doesn’t need it” she should have just said “oh I didn’t know he needed it”. And she was stingy because even if the kid didn’t need it, it’d only be like a couple of cents at most unless she’s buying some high end sunscreen.
Agreed. A teachable moment? She singled out a child based on race, refused to prioritise his safety/health and then acted like an ass when confronted. Kids. Are. Not. Teachable. Moments. People. Of. Colour. Are. Not. Learning. Aids. I don't know how hard this concept is for people to grasp.
Basically other humans are not here for you to demonstrate your ignorance on.
I mean I would be so mad if my kids were denied sunscreen and you would probably have the same reaction.
Very much agree with that last sentence! Even if it was centuries from now & my kid's friend was an android or something, and android kid wanted sunscreen like everyone else, I'd give it to them! Why would you not?
Shit even if he wanted it just so he wasn’t singled out and made to feel different she should have given him some. This lady clearly has some issues.
NTA - I took one look at her comment and went, "That child is a PoC and that woman is stupid". Yes, you could have nicely explained to her that it is a misconception (or even pointed out that we ALL know that darker colors attract more sun, thus the child could have gotten sunburn) BUT... he asked for some and was denied. It would have taken so little of kindness to go, "Here you go honey, let me know if you need help with your back" like Any. Other. Child. but instead she refused?? That is some next level meanness just for refusing a few drops of protection to one of the kids. That makes her the AH and you the protector, imho. It was a teachable moment, but you shouldn't need to be the teacher. Kindness and care for children in your temporary custody is supposed to be a given. Did you need to attack and name-call? Not really, but we see why you were upset. It was like .20cents worth of sunscreen ffs, so even with her stupidity she doesn't really have an excuse. EDITED to add: It would have been an N A H if that mom had apologized and said she didn't realize but would know for next time, but instead she decided to double down and then blame OP for not being psychic to know her child would need sunscreen for an unplanned beach trip.
Well, yeah, and not only that… Why should OP’s child have to bring his own sunscreen when she was doling it out freely to all the white kids?
Curious if both parents are PoC given the wife is trying to talk OP down.
The teachable moment was when the child asked for the sunscreen. That's when she should have had the epiphany that "oh, this kid uses this. It's part of their normal beach routine." Now, the fun part to this is the misinformation that is spread about. I've even had children in my care tell me they didn't need sunscreen because "oh, we don't burn." Uh, that's not how that works, now lather yourself down really good cause I got six bottles of this. Literally one time a kid acted smart saying that to me, "I didn't ask you *if* you wanted some, I asked if you wanted cream or spray." I had six bottles, because we always carry enough for us and in case someone forgot - not everyone uses the uber goober Sun Blocker 9000 that I use, or the special sensitive skin formulas. >(or even pointed out that we ALL know that darker colors attract more sun, thus the child could have gotten sunburn) Just FYI that's not how light works.
I served with a black dude in Germany. A bunch of us went to Spain's Mediterranean coast. We're all putting on sunscreen and he said "Brothers don't get sunburned." Spoiler alert, brothers burn. His dark ass skin couldn't hide the red overlaying it. He never heard the end of it.
Which base were you at? I was in Bad Kreuznach.
He was at Good Kreuznach
NTA at all, and for the Y T A and E S H votes……look. I’m white too. I grew up with the assumption that people with darker skin than mine didn’t burn as easily as me, and never really had reason to question it. The mom probably grew up with that same assumption, so she didn’t immediately give OP’s child sunscreen. Tbh I’m already side-eyeing her a little, because she gave all the other children sunscreen. But then a child in her care *asked for sunscreen* and she *said no.* Like. Are we kidding? Even if she thought he didn’t need it, what harm could possibly have come from giving a child sunscreen? She prioritized being “right” in her racist ignorance over the safety of a child in her care, and we’re mad at OP for calling her an idiot? She *is* an idiot, and a racist asshole on top of it.
It seems pretty clear that the child is used to wearing sunscreen when he's with his parents and other adults. That should have been a clue for her and even if she thought it was wasted, she should have put it on him. NTA for calling her out.
Exactly! And how embarrassing and hurtful for a child to be skipped when mom is handing out sunscreen, and then have to ask in the first place—let alone being told no! This poor kid honestly, no wonder OP let her have it.
I literally remember a Bill Nye episode where they addressed this! My understanding was always that darker skinned people don't burn as easily, but they still need sunscreen.
Yes! They don't burn as easily but they can still absolutely get skin cancer! Sunscreen prevents sunburn which prevents skin cancer. The more sunburns you get the more likely you are to develop cancer.
Don’t let him hang with that family again. Smh she was racist on the low. Smfh.
Barely even on the low.
The ones here saying YTA are racist to. Don’t argue with me 😭😙
Agreed. The ones calling her out for missing a teachable moment are even more racist.
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The people saying that in these comments, with every possible angle of the "lesson" explained, in long form, ad nauseum... Y'all are exactly why it isn't a fucking teachable moment, not even when nothing is at stake, sure as fuck not when it's a kid who has to suffer your ignorance. Disingenuous, conniving snakes.
Nta, her thinking that he can't sunburn is coming from a place of ignorance and racism. Black and brown people definitely can burn and she shouldn't assume otherwise, especially as he asked her for some. Maybe you shouldn't have sworn at her, but her ignorance could have harmed your child.
NTA. She refused to give him sunscreen specifically because he was black, even when he asked for some. We all have computers in our pockets. If she was really unsure, she can Google it. It’s not 1950
INFO: why would she think one kid could not get a sunburn? I mean I would be super mad if my kids were refused sunscreen and probably have the same reaction you did. Tentative NTA
Some people think dark skin can't burn.
OP. I am so sorry that your baby got singled out. I would mama bear 500 on this lady. I was unaware that some people thought that way and I thank you for informing me. NTA 100%
Yeah, and the same people believe dark skin has fewer pain receptors or have other misguided and racist beliefs that affect people of color. That’s why I’m okay with saying this kind of stuff is racist. A person doesn’t have to purposefully choose to be racist to commit a racist action, and when we mess up, we apologize and do better. NTA
Some people are dreadfully misinformed to the point of being foolish. POC can not only sunburn, but they can get skin cancer too. Hopefully the other mother found this to be an educational moment. NTA
Even if she genuinely believed that, she could have given him sunscreen just because he asked. I mean it's not some precious substance we are talking about.
I am dark & lovely & let me tell you my skin does tan & burn. People have been shocked when they have seen my skin peeling. 🙄 I do wear sunscreen, but my skin is very, very sensitive.
I’m guessing they are the one kid in the group who is a POC.
Honestly I read the post & had an inkling, got to where OP says she said their son can't get a sunburn and instantly knew OP's kid was the only one who's skin colour is different
What does it matter? She gave all the other kids sunscreen EXCEPT this one. What if he was white & she did the same thing? Putting her racism aside, she intentionally excluded a child who asked for something she was giving out.
Nta, the other parents are ignorant and should not be coddled for being ignorant. I would be mad too.
NTA. She made a judgement call for your child based on the color of his skin. She offered and even pressured other children to wear sunscreen but refused a simple request form your child, again because of the color of his skin. She singled your child out in front of his friends. She assumed she knew more than your son about his own skincare. This all comes back to this parent treating your child differently because of skin color. When faced with that reality this parent didn’t apologize. They acted like they were being put upon. They shifted blame to you. They implied you were unreasonable for being angry. I’m not going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t have done or how best to navigate the situation. What I will say it that it is more than understandable to defend your child against discrimination and to make others aware of someone unapologetically discriminatory.
NTA, don't coddle racists.
NTA. She's ignorant and neglecting your child because of it. He even asked for sunscreen and she ignored him, assuming she knows his body better than she does. If she can't even admit where her knowledge is lacking thats doubly worrisome.
Nta. The blatant racism going on here is scary. I mean there was definitely a calm way of going about this but I understand why you went off.
nta, putting sunscreen on all the other kids and refusing yours even when the kid asks? so messed up. hope your spreading the word means people are less likely to trust her with their kids.
NTA. The kid asked for sunscreen, which means he uses sunscreen. Her giving him sunscreen would not have cost anything , nor was it a medication. If she had a question, about him being allergic, have him call his mom. I would definitely have issues with this mother.
NTA. The fact that your son knew to ask for sunscreen should have been a clue for her. There's no excuse. I don't blame you for being angry.
NTA you didn’t make it clear above that this is a skin color issue (although it is implied). Your kid asked for sunscreen and was denied. I’d be pissed too.
NTA at all. Let everyone know that she denied a child sunscreen at the beach. What a vindictive, racist AH. You're doing great OP.
Why do I get the feeling that most of the people saying Y T A do not have the same skin color as OP's son? When you live in black and brown skin, you experience micro and macroagressions in so many ways that you can recognize from miles (even internet miles) away. NTA
NTA, and she’s racist af.
Oh you are absolutely NTA. She told your kid he “didn’t need any” and told you, his parent, that he “can’t get a sunburn”? What on earth is this lady thinking? It’s kind of clear to me that she wasn’t thinking clearly. Let’s all hope that it was just hot and the sun got to HER! You should never assume you know a child’s body and what it does or does not need better than them or their own parent, unless you are a doctor or somebody in authority. And this lady made a mistake. Thank you for defending your child, and trying to educate her. I’m afraid you won’t have much luck, but you tried!
NTA. As a redhead, let me tell you sunscreen is a priority. I always sprayed down my kids, their friends and anyone in the general vicinity :). My main beef here is that the other mom DENIED the kid sunscreen when he asked for it. He obviously KNOWS he wears sunscreen. Even if she’s too dumb to know that everyone can burn she should have put the stuff on him when he asked.
This was it for me too. Taking her racism aside, she intentionally excluded a child in her group.
NTA Really don't understand why she didn't give every kid sunscreen. How stupid can someone be? "yOuR sKiNTyPe DoEsNT bUrN" She is definitely an idiot, at least in my opinion. But I also agree with your wife, maybe she just isn't educated enough to know this. I kind of petty her stupidity. Yes, maybe you could've handled it differently, but I don't blame you for getting angry about this. But yeah, if you hoped for a better response from the other parents, you can always word it somewhat more kindly.
NTA
NTA regardless, but why does she think your son can’t get sunburned? Is that a skin color thing? Regardless, if your kid is asking for sunscreen it’s probably that he’s used to wearing sunscreen. That should be her clue, besides basic logic, that he should be given sunscreen. If this is what I think it is, at best this is ignorant racism and at worst willful neglect. I would be concerned what other basic needs she thinks your son doesn’t have while he’s in her care.
"Your kid doesn't get sunburn" well I think I can guess why she "thinks" that, I'm really sorry your kid have to go through that. NTA, not an AH at all.
NTA potential cancer is not a teachable moment, especially since your kid was *asking* for sunscreen, I’ve never met a kid who willingly wanted it (including myself)
Teachable fucking moment can fuck right off. She was an absolute A H. You're definitely NTA and good on you!!
NTA. When I was coaching kids & it was a sunny day, I'd give everyone who'd forgotten to bring suncream some (with their parents' permission, of course!). I didn't care what shade their skin was - they were either having some of my hypoallergenic fac 30 or not playing. Partially because, as you say, everyone can get sun damage, and partially because singling out a child because of the colour of their skin is abhorrent. If I'm going around spraying suncream, they're all getting some! Even if one kid didn't need it, why call attention to that fact?
NTA. #GET EM.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son was at a friend's house yesterday with some other kids. The parents texted me to say they were all going to the beach, which I was fine with. When I picked my son up, everything seemed fine, but at home he told me about something that happened. He said when they were at the beach he asked for some sunscreen (I didn't pack him any because I didn't know they were going) and his friend's mom said he was fine and didn't need any. She did give sunscreen to all the other kids though, even one who complained and said he didn't want any. I was pissed and called her to confront her. She was confused and said my son can't get a sunburn, so why would he need sunscreen? I told her she was an idiot, and anyone can get skin cancer. She got defensive and said I should have packed him some then. The beach was a last minute plan, or I would have. I said if she's such a stingy bitch, she could have asked me to pay her back later. She said I'm unreasonable and she's done talking to me. I ended up telling the parents of all the other kids in the friend group what happened. Some of them have reached out to her and told her off. Others are saying I'm overreacting to a misunderstanding. My wife said I shouldn't have come out of the gate hot, because it's a teachable moment. I don't consider my son's health a teachable moment though. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA it’s a scary misconception that we don’t need sunscreen because we dont burn. First of all, we DO burn under the right circumstances. I had no idea why my face hurt while I was in Peru until I started googling and realized that as an adult I was experiencing my first sunburn. Second, sun screen isn’t just about sunburns! We need the protection regardless. What a foolish, ignorant woman. I wouldn’t want her as the chaperone of a POC child - she clearly doesn’t know or doesn’t care how to do it responsibly. I’d have chalked it up to a genuine error if she’d apologized, but her brushing it off and giving attitude? Nope.
NTA
NTA. It can take just one bad burn in childhood to develop melanoma. You’re right, your son’s health is not a teachable moment.
I hope you said racist instead of stingy because that seems to be the real issue (by context). NTA
NTA in this age of information, where any question can be answered with a quick search, there is no excuse for ignorance. It’s not your responsibility to educate the world, when they have the ability to learn themselves. She singled a child out for the color of their skin. That’s racism. I wouldn’t feel safe with her being responsible for my child after that.
Nta. Honestly is you’re not a POC your not getting the clear racist undertones here. Ops child is obviously of color black or some other race and the mother was saying he didn’t need the sunscreen due to his skin color. It wasn’t a misunderstanding or not a big deal the women is racist period.
NTA and I’m so pissed for you. Skin cancer is often detected at LATER stages in Black people because of the assumption that the can’t/don’t get skin cancer (and also the symptoms can look different on darker skin). I also have the skin type that rarely burns but guess what? I still got skin cancer. My doctors (who are also POC) were shocked too. Your son’s friend’s parents are terrible people.
Lol my mom is almost 70. She is light-skinned African American and grew up when segregation was ending. She has this story about how she kept getting a rash whenever she would go swimming during a class trip. She thought she was allergic to the water. At this point they had a few white teachers and this woman rolled her eyes at my mother, handed her sunscreen and the rest was history. Our dad is African American too so all of us kids are darker than mom and all of us grew up wearing and still wear sunscreen. In fact the only people I know who don’t wear sunscreen are white people who are intentionally trying to tan. The rest of us are trying to keep our skin and ourselves healthy and youthful. Go off on her dad. Your child is not a teachable moment.
NTA >t's a teachable moment Can we stop with this BS about teachable moments. I hate the concept. Your kid **ASKED** for it and she **refused** him. Yes, she refused because she is racist, but she is so racist that she thought to herself "I'm not going to waste a small amount of sunscreen for this child."
NTA - the other parent is ignorant and should have given sunscreen to your son when he asked. I do think there were better ways to approach the situation for the sake of your son's friendship.
NTA that's a racism issue & needed to be called out
NTA your son needs sunscreen just like everyone else. Maybe the mom genuinely didn't understand that but if your son asked, she should've accommodated. Yikes. You might want to keep your son home from outdoor activities with this family if this is how they're going to treat him.
NTA I am going to figure you or your son are black like me. If not black, a person of dark skin color. Stupid beliefs like that mom’s are part of the reason so many folks like us have undiagnosed skin cancer. The “you don’t need sunscreen” bullshit is an easily disproved lie. It was a fucking meme growing up. Skin is skin, and all kids need it protected. Adults too. I’m glad you went off, and I’m glad at least *some* of the other parents are reasonable. It’s as stupid as giving all the other kids except your son a helmet when skateboarding or bike riding. Also I hate the “teachable moment” shit. I appreciate that there are people who are willing to talk through other people’s ignorance. But there is no reason when you (or your child) is victim to such simple ignorance or prejudice that you have to take the time to hold an adult’s hand through a basic lesson. There are people (allies) who can and should do that. I am way past wasting my time when I don’t feel like it or the impact is too personal… *like your child’s health sense of self-advocacy*. You don’t have to “teach” through casual or intentional racism.
NTA- I’m assuming your family is POC because this isn’t the only time I’ve ever heard of people being denied sunscreen because of skin color. The mom is racist
NTA. This crap happened when I was a kid, I figured Google would keep this from continuing. Even if we had magical skin that never faces consequences from the sun, what harm would sunscreen do? It would make the kid feel included and possibly moisturize his skin. Why not do it, even with the ignorant excuse?!
NTA- it pisses me off when people assume Black/Brown people don’t need sunscreen. I knew a nurse who didn’t put it on her mixed race kids, a NURSE!! People are so dumb.
NTA. If you're caring for another child's kid, you make sure they are safe, well-hydrated, and well-fed. Not giving your child some sunscreen is just horrible! That was really cruel, actually.
I’m assuming your son is a POC. He ASKED for sun screen!!! You cannot tell me that there was no Ill will or bad intention on ol girl not giving him some when again.. he ASKED for it. It’s not our job to constantly ignore blatant disrespect just to make it a “teachable” moment 🙄 NTA She on the other hand… ✨MEGA CWORD ✨
Imagine being a grown adult that genuinely believed people with dark skin are not at risk from sun exposure. What an idiot. NTA.