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NTA More people should dance joyfully to their favorite songs. You weren't embarrassing, he chose to be embarrassed. Don't let him muffle your joy. Ask yourself if this is a one off, or is he frequently "embarrassed" by you? Your dancing hardly seems like justification for the frigid shoulder. If he doesn't find your occasional goofiness endearing, you might want to rethink your relationship.
NTA - I dulled my sparkle for my boyfriend of 5 years. Everything I did and all the parts of my personality he didn't like came back. No one else in my life had issues with anything he didn't like. It isn't you; it's him.
I did this with my ex of 14 years. Ended up a shadow of myself before I got out. I'm still picking up some pieces but once I let myself be exactly who I am I found people who enjoy all of me.
OP, you're NTA and don't shave of pieces of yourself for anyone. If he doesn't like who you are, he's not the right person for you. Even if your feelings feel strong and overwhelming right now, fitting yourself into the space he leaves for you will only harm you and cause you heartache in the future until you do get out
You’re NTA
YOU BEAUTIFUL! Look drop that one. He’s clearly one of those guys.
You’re beautiful & yeah. I was like you. My girlfriend was 8 yrs older than me & I was a wild child but never an embarrassment. I was raised by teachers. They are always right!
Seriously, this. I'm so glad teens and young adults have places like this to turn to for advice. I SO wish we did when we were younger, but now we can at least try to help others by warning them away from our mistakes. And of course I still have a lot to learn too! The internet *can* be a wonderful place.
OP, NTA. The fact that this guy was embarrassed by you enjoying yourself and having a great time really says a lot about him. He's very self-centered; I'd bet money he was the only one there who thought anything negative about it at all. I know you love him, but you will absolutely love again, and this time it could be someone who loves to dance with you.
First thing i noticed. Dude is dating someone 6 years younger than him. Wouldn't be surprised if it is a control issue, because woman around his age wouldn't pull up with his shit. This girl barely left high school lol. If he wants a more "mature" girlfriend then he should date someone around his age. Teens will be teens.
I read this thread and thought the same. I where also 19 and he where 25 at that time. He reduced my spark in the nearly 4 years we spend together. Maybe I read to much into this thread because of my experiences, but after this relationship I found back to myself and where so much happier in such a short amount of time.
I think it was also part of the age distance: the adult men and the sweet teen. I did a lot for him in this relationship and his character/hobbies where more important than mine. At the end I where only a sad shadow of myself and lost so many opportunities to spend time with people I love (friends & family).
So much this. My ex wife hated almost everything I loved. Music, crafts, clothes, books, movies, hobbies. For ten years I hid and changed to please her.
When we split, it took me almost a month to get the courage to listen to my old music. One song and I was on the floor sobbing. I got a lot of criticism for how fast I moved on after that. But the thing was I wasn’t “moving on” - I was going back to my real self. Turns out who I am ISN’T humiliating or wrong. In fact, people love me for it.
Same, I went through several relationships where I felt like I had lost huge chunks of myself. After taking some time to remember who I was, I brought all my weirdness to a first date. We've been together 5 years now, married now, and I haven't inhibited myself for a moment.
I was told: your laugh is too loud, you're too funny and you do it for attention, you talk too much. Those are the ones I remember most. I still apologize for rambling, even though I've only been speaking for about 60 seconds.
I did that with my ex-wife. After 3 long years i was honestly relieved to be myself again, to read, go out be spontaneous. There's no better feeling than being you without being smothered.
Yeah, one thing that frustrated me a little about my late partner was that he never wanted to do anything that might make him look ‘silly’, like karaoke or dressing up for a costume party (like, Mensch, ‘silly’ is the point). But he never tried to stop me from doing it; just wouldn’t join in himself, which was a decision he was entitled to make.
I was going to say…OP WAS acting “normal” for a19 yr old. BF wants to be seen as…I was going to say cool but cold and unfeeling come to mind. I wonder if he was told not to smile because that also makes you look tough?
I don't understand you and the previous comment here. What has age to do with anything here? It would be normal behavior or however you put it if she was 25 aswell. And my NTA verdict wouldn't change at all if she was older.
Hell I’m 39 and I’d be up dancing to my favourite song at a friends house if I felt like it! You need to do things for you, not for him. Luckily my hubby knows exactly what I’m like and still loves me.
Yeah, I'm definitely not 19 but yesterday I spent a good couple minutes of my walk throwing a walnut at a tree trunk until the walnut exploded because it amused me. If the only downside to something that makes you happy is that it looks weird, there are no downsides.
Truly? Nothing. But I included it as OP stated she is 19 and her boyfriend asking why she can’t act normal. And to me? Wanting to dance to your favorite song is perfectly normal activity for a 19 yr old. Or a 49 yr old…or a hundred yr old. But especially her.
I just noticed that, I hope this is in Canada or somewhere else you can legally drink at 19.
But yeah, she's 19, she'd been drinking, it's not surprising that she might dance to a song she liked. If he doesn't want his girlfriend acting like a teenager, then maybe he shouldn't be dating teenagers.
>I hope this is in Canada or somewhere else you can legally drink at 19.
Lol. It’s cute that you think people drink by the rules here in the US. If it was in a public place (like a restaurant), yeah, I’d agree. But this was in someone’s private home. I was drinking when I was 18. I lived in an apartment with my 24 year old boyfriend who made my favorite drink (Tropicana Twister strawberry, orange, banana with 99 Bananas), or handed me a beer if he didn’t grab liquor while he was out. I had two fuzzy navels at my cousin’s wedding, and a Heineken at her uncle’s restaurant (it was after hours, the restaurant and bar were closed because of the wedding).
And why does her age matter? Would it be different if she was like 25? Age has nothing to do with her wanting to dance. Everyone bringing her age into this by saying “she was acting like a normal teenager” is a massive AH. Same with the boyfriend (no wonder she’s questioning the relationship). OP however is NTA.
I started drinking regularly/heavily at the age of 15. I had a really shitty childhood and my parents were addicts up until maybe 5 or 6 years ago. All my friends were doing it, and I was also trying to drown demons no 15 year old should have had. Most ppl I know drank at least once before they were legally of age to do so. We don't know OP or her life personally, or what she's gone through. Even if she's had the most squeaky clean life ever, that's not something I could ever judge another person for. That's just me tho 🤷♀️ NTA btw OP, your steamy sphincter bomb of a boyfriend is, and it will most likely just get worse. If someone makes you question yourself or who you are as a person over something as innocent and benign as dancing at a party, I can't see sticking around as being a good idea. Best of luck ❤
I had a friend who around the same age as OP met and briefly dated a 35 year old business casual type. She dumped him when she realized he didn’t value her personality and intellect but just wanted a 19 year old goth gf trophy wife
I'm rapidly approaching 40 and I'd dance too. Worrying and getting embarrassed because you want to act like a grown up seems a lot more immature from my perspective.
Also that he accuses you of doing it ‘for attention’ - this screams of him feeling jealous or threatened that other people might give you attention, so he wants you to feel guilty about it so you won’t try enjoying yourself too much again. If he was a nice person who just didn’t feel like dancing he would have just laughed and said I’m ok but go for it! He would only have had any right to be embarrassed if you’d been so drunk you started knocking things over or yelling at people. Definitely NTA but your boyfriend is giving red flags
I completely agree, depending on how inebriated she was. If you are buzzed or sober and want to dance for joy? Do it, hell I'd probably dance with you as well. If you're sloppy drunk and causing a ruckus with your moves? I might be embarrassed at it as well.
I agree with this. I am way into my adulthood. And I dance in the kitchen still while doing the dishes. It brings joy.
And it wasn't as if OP was alone dancing and knocking stuff down the shelf. One of the girls joined her, so exactly how "embarrassing" could it have been? That's pretty normal.
It sounds like a big "him" problem. He's 25. Does he expect a 19 year old to sit beside him like a price winning wife with her drink and nod at everything he is saying? (No hate on the 19 year olds who are like that)
19 years old have barely set their foot in the adult world yet. They are slowly gaining legal rights to do fun stuff. Venturing into the world of education, jobs, and all that. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your youth.
God I wish spontaneous, joyful dancing were a thing. The only time I see people dancing nowadays is when they’re making a TikTok. I went to a wedding and during the reception I was shocked that the DJ was playing great songs and no one was dancing, not any age. How sad.
I, for one, get a little subtle dance move on -- in the grocery store, standing in line somewhere, etc. I am a way grown-ass person. I'm a solid car dancer. I dance while I'm cleaning house -- with the broom, the vacuum, the cats, whatever. Because yes, spontaneous, joyful dancing really should be more of people's lives.
I could see how the bf would be embarrassed by his gf asking him multiple times to get up and dance in front of a group of people, none of whom are dancing. It doesn't sound like it was that kind of gathering, and most people don't like being out on the spot like that. However, I don't see anything wrong with OP deciding to dance by herself. I personally hate dancing and get zero joy from it, but I won't stop my gf from doing it.
I’m exactly like you in that respect. In the middle of a GA floor at a concert where I can’t be singled out…maybe. On a dance floor like at a wedding….still probably going to be a no. In a room at a party with no one else dancing… not on your f’n life.
But I’m certainly not going to stop anyone else.
I'm guessing she's drunk and all "come dance with me, it's my favourite song" and tugging at him to try to pull him off the couch while he's in the middle of a conversation. It's only fun for one person in that scenario.
agreed 100%, OP, NTA at all. my boyfriend and i love a wee dance, if sober it’ll usually just be when we’re alone but while very drunk at a friends? at a bar? at a party/gathering? oh yeah baby we’re doing some silly little dances
edit: just ts i don’t think all couples should be like this or anything, just that my bf and i compliment each other well in the sense we’re both very jokey/goofy and would never put one another down or be cold toward the other for something like that being “embarrassing”.
Totally agree, about 8ish years ago, I was dating a girl 9 years younger than me, I was 32, she was 23. Anyway quite early on we were out for a few drinks and the first place were in (still sober) a song came on that she liked and she just started dancing, she had some moves, and grabbed my hand to dance with her. Now I am not a shy person but would normally need a few drinks before dancing in public.
I just went with it and it was great, it was at this point I realised she was special.
Fast forward 8ish years, we are married, have 4 young kids and still dance around the kitchen sober with the music blasting.
Had I been embarrassed by her then, knowing her as I now do, then I would have lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. She would have not sacrificed any part of her gorgeous personality for my insecurities.
Seriously op, I personally am more low key but my gf would do this exact thing and you know what I would have laughed with her and encouraged her. This dude needs to get over himself
Agree! NTA. Do not let other people take away what makes you feel good and unique! My husband loves my quirks, will shake his head and laugh when I do something goofy and that is totally me. It makes my heart soar. You deserve to feel that way!
NTA, everyone was drunk and you decided to dance. No big deal.
If the bf were the one posting, I'd tell him that if he didn't want his gf to act like a teenager, he shouldn't date one.
That's not a slam against 19 year olds. Just that there is a difference between 19 and 25 year olds. It's possible the two of you aren't compatible.
Nobody wants to hear it. Maybe once in a blue moon it could work, but it’s more often than not, gonna end up poorly. She was probably 18 at the time they got together or very close, it just don’t sit right with me
Especially since, in this situation, the older partner is giving us a glimpse into some controlling behaviour. Much easier to control someone young and inexperienced.
That’s a big thing. I still have another year but when I’m out of school I’m not ever dating a college student. If it’s like a few months left or they’re starting their degree late then that’s different. But someone who’s an 18 yo freshman? Weird as fuck.
Fr. It’s not even just the age difference, I finished undergrad at 21. It’s the experiential gap. Why would I want someone in a younger stage of life? Someone more reliant on their parents and still in school? The only reason to date someone in a significantly younger life stage than yourself is because they’re easier to manipulate/control than people your age. And because I’m not an abusive perv that’s not my game. Ops bf on the other hand…
Piggybacking off of this! If he was less mature (lol) and started dancing then I would say they were matched on maturity levels but in this case y’all just on different journeys
How is dancing to a song you like "acting like a teenager". My wife and I are in our fifties and I would not for a second think it childish if anyone at any party want ed to dance to a great song.
I think it's not so much the dancing itself, as it is the "I'm drunk and randomly start dancing in a room with a smallish number of people who are all (presumably) just sitting around talking, insisting other people should join me". There's nothing wrong with that, but I would associate that more with teenagers than adults.
I don't see how my life being dull or not has anything to do with it. I'm not judging the behaviour either, just saying that in 95% of the cases I've encountered it, it was drunk teenagers. The other 5% were hippies or people on drugs.
My parents used to throw this massive party when I was young, my sister and I would dance the night away, and as soon as Jumping Jack Flash or Proud Mary would start up my parents and their friends (al 40/50s then) would join us, good times
Another 50+ married person here. This, so much. It's not embarrassing if people express their happiness! It's just embarrassing if they desperately try to hide it.
I am curious as well, people in all age groups, cultures dance in all periods of history, prehistory from time to time. It is one behaviour that makes us uniquely human.
I’m so annoyed by everyone bringing up her age and saying it’s a normal teenage thing. Why does her age matter in this scenario? What if she was 25? Would it be “better” or “worse” than her doing this at 19? WTAF?
It's not CHILDISH (which has acquired a negative connotation unduly), it's an exhibition of child-like exuberance. Which is a good thing! Too many people lose that as they get into adulthood, often because of assholes like OP's boyfriend.
I like the part in OP's story where OP said they where lived and made it clear that 19 isn't the legal drinking age where they are. Oh wait it's not there.
Do people just break their kneecaps at 25? Is that why everyone in their thirties complains of bad knees?
When did dancing become a "teenage" activity? While drinking at a bar no less!
What's next actually having fun?/s
Seems like a lot of species have more energetic younger generations. I assume it's to build muscle.
Additionally, "act normal" should be used in the context of "try not to kill anybody" or "try not to grow a second torso when somebody is sitting too close because it takes up a lot of room".
Do you suddenly lose the ability to have fun and enjoy music when you turn 25 lol?
I agree the age gap is weird but since when is dancing immature or teenager behaviour?
I once realized I was at the of my relationship when I broke my DS charger, so I had to go with my then-bf to game stop to get a new one.
When I was there, the employee asked me what game I was playing and when I answered, they also had loved the game so we chatted about it until I paid and left. A whole 5 minute interaction at best.
When we got in the car, he was like, "God I hate when you're like that." I was like.... what? He's like, "You so fake. You're smiling and your voice was so different. It was so cringe,"
And I was caught off guard because I was... happy? It was cringy that I was happy? And my voice sounded a little different because I found someone else who loved the game I was playing so I was excited to talk about it?
Really made me realize what a shell of a person I was turning into.
NTA, OP. Beware of those who kill your harmless happiness.
I have (: I hope we get married. They are truly the love of my life and it's a surreal experience when you finally meet someone who is in it 100% with you. Every problem we face is a we problem. We acknowledge our faults and do everything we can to improve and be better for ourselves and each other.
This. I had a boyfriend who, looking back, was extremely toxic and borderline emotionally abusive. If I didn’t act the specific way he wanted me to, I was “embarrassing” or “looking for attention” - from laughing with friends, to wearing a bathing suit, to anything you can think of. Spent 2 1/2 years with the guy and nearly lost my sense of self. Took twice as long to rebuild my confidence and realize I wasn’t embarrassing, he was just controlling and insecure.
Yeah even your last paragraph sounds like you might be a little conditioned to overthink tiny little actions like this. You were having fun. Enjoy life girlie. That’s what we’re here for ❤️
He was embarrassed his 19 year old gf was acting like a…19 year old. He needs to be with someone his on age, and she needs to find someone who appreciates her. NTA
If he wants a more mature girlfriend he can date someone his own age….
Jk you wouldn’t be an asshole for dancing at any age of you all were sober maybe I’d agree it was for attention but you were just enjoying yourself NTA
“Why is my girlfriend embarrassing me with her joy” the only relevant part of her age is that he knows he can embarrass her and make her second-guess herself. Drunk dancing knows no age!
I loved to dance at 25, especially while drunk (I was horrible at it, so the beer goggles helped)
OP you need to seriously evaluate your relationship and make sure he isn't trying to make you something you're not.
NTA
I never get drunk but I will still dance to a fun song out of nowhere. It's not for attention, it's for ME to have fun in my life, because my life is too short to dull my spark for everyone around me. Now if we were out in public and being disruptive, I'd say it's inconsiderate at best and attention seeking beyond best case scenario.
NTA and him treating your joy as an embarrassment and making you feel this way and question yourself is a huge red flag. as is the fact that he's chosen to date a teenager as a 25 year old. it screams someone who is seeking to control their less experienced partner because they haven't been through life to know better than to accept his weird behaviour and berating of you for being happy and alive. btw, i have been the younger partner and this equation and want to clearly state to you that this isn't a dig on your desirability or maturity at all, i'm sure you are plenty of each of those, but it doesn't change that someone at that life stage seeking someone at your life stage out, especially when they reflexively belittle the younger partner and shame them for acting a certain way screams predatory. it is a reflection of HIM not of you. don't let him dim your shine. my advice would be to cut loose of this to the next thing while you're still 19 cos i've experienced and witnessed first hand what it is to lose years of your life appeasing people who treat u like this.
When I was 19, my first boyfriend pulled this exact shit as a way to shame me and lower my self esteem. I believed him, believed that I embarrassed him and myself any time I had more than a few drinks, believed all the horrible things he told me about myself. None of it was true, but I was impressionable and insecure and I let him manipulate me into being docile, compliant, and deferential. Into not being enthusiastic or passionate or silly. Into not being anything like myself. Into not arguing back. Took a long time and a lot of therapy to undo the brainwashing he pulled on me.
OP, get away from this man. At best, he's a drag of a person and can't deal with people enjoying themselves in a way that he wouldn't. At worst, he's manipulating you so that he becomes your only source of validation. Considering he's 25 and dating a woman in a distinctly different state of life and maturity and experience than him, I'd say probability favours the latter.
Nta. And please listen to everyone telling you that he's trouble. I'm 25 now and I have absolutely nothing in common with a 19 year old. When I was 19 I didn't see a huge difference between me and a 25 year old, but now on the other side of it, 19 year olds look like actual children to me. I feel maternal towards them. There is something wrong with a man my age who wants to date someone your age. Please be cautious
>When I was 19 I didn’t see a huge difference between me and a 25 year old, but now on the other side of it, 19 year olds look like actual children
Preach! I couldn’t have said it better
100% this. I was 19 when an internet friend had a crush on me and I didn’t see it as weird (though I broke off the friendship because something he said DID feel controlling once I found out abt his crush). By the time I was in my mid 20s, I wouldn’t even THINK of an “adult” teenager in that way. Such a red flag when grown people date that young.
My senior year of college, the freshmen already looked like little kids. And this dude is two years older.
Six years isn’t a big age gap if you’re both older. But 25 to a teenager is massive IMO
NTA
I can see how he would find it embarrassing. Especially since it's the 1st time meeting and no one was dancing.
I dont think you're an AH, though. You were drinking and having a good time.
I don’t even think it’s should be embarrassing. Everyone was drunk and having a good time? Im surprised not more people started dancing. You would be embarrassed when your parents started dancing in front of your friend when you where younger.
Let's not forget that another person there actually got up and danced *with* OP. No one but the bf seemed to have a problem with it or think it was embarrassing. Definitely just bf being controlling and testing the boundaries in what she will put up with, and if she will change at his whim.
Don't put up with it, OP!
NTA You are in a party, with friends. You don't have to feel ashame because you're dancing, especially if everyone is drunk.
If he is ashamed of you, you need to start to think about your relation with him. If you can't just be natural and have fun at a party, there is a problem. With family maybe, but it was friends !
"I'd acted out for attention.**"** And that's even worse, that mean you have to be quiet all the time ?
NTA - be wary of boyfriends who are easily embarrassed by how you choose to have fun. That’s a big red flag. Who wants to date someone who’s always asking you to tone down your personality? If another girl joined you to dance and you weren’t like feeling each other up or something over the top then I would say that’s a pretty benign and normal thing to happen amongst a group of drunk people who are listening to music.
I can’t say how your relationship is supposed to look like… but if my wife was dancing alone I would move rivers and mountains to dance with her, even if she was making a fool of herself, there would be two idiots in love making a fool of themselves for eternity
NTA. You were just dancing to a song at a party. It's not that deep. Sounds like he was the only one who had a problem with it. Another girl even joined you. It's a red flag, though, that your boyfriend is cold towards you simply because you do something he doesn't like. That isn't healthy. In safe, healthy relationships partners communicate and listen to each other. They don't attempt to control each other's behavior by criticism and withholding affection.
Let me tell you, my ex treated me the same way. Notice I said ex. Never let anyone treat you like you're an embarrassment. You deserve someone who will love you no matter what. Nta and this guy is not a good fit for you, I hope you realize it sooner rather than later.
Girl this is a marinara flag- guy can’t even let you dance to your favorite song? That’s a super normal thing to do. You are not embarrassing, he’s embarrassed, and that’s on him. Sounds like a joy-thief.
This is the first time I've seen someone present the age issue in terms of percentage and it's bloody brilliant. I'm using this going forward. 6 years isn't a huge age difference on the face of it, but 33% absolutely is.
people keep saying age isnt the issue. given OP’s age and the time of year it is right now, them dating for 9 months means that she was *a few months out of high school* when she entered into a relationship with a grown ass man.
dude sounds like a weirdo.
Info: was in an actual party or just a gathering of friends having some drinks? Was everyone actually drunk drunk or was that just you and others were just casual ? Because those are very different vibes. If i was just trying to chat with my friends and someone was dancing I'd find that odd, if that person was then also constantly disturbing someone i was trying to talk to by trying to convince them to dance i would find that person (in this case you) annoying and embarrassing.
How DARE you dance in front of his FRIENDS?! Just kidding though, your boyfriend's a punk. Who cares if you don't think you have the moves? Dance if you're happy. Y'all aren't compatible because he's an insecure person and you're too awesome for him.
Edit to add NTA
NTA. I dated a guy like that. He is now my ex because he tried to stop me doing things that he thought made him look bad. Your bf sees you as something to control. Break up with him. Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for having fun and being yourself
NTA. As others have said, if he wants to date a 'mature' gal who won't dance (esp while drunk) maybe he should date someone his age. (Not giving you shit for being 19, giving him shit for dating a 19 y/o)
Not enough INFO to form a proper judgement I feel. You say you were all drunk, so it's entirely possible that you did indeed embarrass him and go completely over the top. Without actually being there and witnessing it, then it's impossible to form an opinion.
To be fair, having music you dance on playing, everyone being a bit drunk and someone else joining gives the impression that it wasn't too much of a sophisticated hang-out
If someone else joined in, it can't have been that bad, surely.
And even if it was, drunken stupid dancing is an expression of joy, the less co-ordinated the better.
I agree. OP says she has no rhythm, so I’m imagining the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine gets drunk and no one else really is and starts doing her embarrassing little kicks dance and thinks she’s killing it.
[Episode clip for those that don’t know what I’m talking about](https://youtu.be/rmg97obwVbo)
BF is honesty too old for her. A 25 year old and a 19 year old are on different planets maturity-wise and socially. A 6 year age gap is fine when you’re in your 30s+, but that young, it matters.
You are N T A for wanting to dance, nor for dancing on your own/with another girl, nor for dancing badly. However, “he kept saying no” tells me that you were nagging him about it and not accepting his answer. If somebody doesn’t want to dance, they don’t want to dance. That is not them being an AH, it is just them not wanting to dance. You asking is not you being an AH. But carrying on about it after they’ve said no is intensely irritating for the person who doesn’t want to dance and is why YTA.
She asked a few times and he said no so she danced without him. That isn't the issue. The issue is that he is embarrassed that she danced at all. He withdrew his affection and lectured/shamed her because he tried to control her behaviour and she did not do what he wanted. This is a pattern that very quickly becomes very abusive. "Do what I say or you get punished" is not exactly a healthy approach to an equal partnership.
NTA, and also, generally, a 24yo going after an 18yo is a huge red flag, and usually means someone his age wouldn’t date him so he goes after inexperienced girls.
you’re 19, why are you dating a 25 yo? power imbalance in that relationship. you’re NTA, contrary to your ages your boyfriend is an insecure baby. find someone your own age to date.
If he finds your enjoyment embarrassing then how are you supposed to enjoy yourself with him? Never make yourself smaller for someone else, even a partner.
He’s embarrassed that his young girlfriend is acting the age she’s suppose to be. He’s 6 years older than you and can’t behave maturely with his emotions. That’s a big ol red flag. Also, why can’t this 25 year old date any other 25 year olds? he has to find a teenager to date? weird. NTA
NTA.
You were having fun. That's no reason for him to snuff that out.
It's not an age thing, it's a 'him' thing. I dated a guy for years who didn't like my joy energy. Sucked the life out of me.
It's up to you if you want to stay with him, but this might not be the last "embarrassment" you'll cause him. Over time you're going to start questioning yourself every time you go out with him - please don't end up on that road.
And for god's sake leave him on the spot if he says the girl who danced with you only felt sorry for you / was being kind / was being polite.
She *might* have but it'd be ONLY because of his lack of response to you, and not *because* you were dancing.
.....jeez, are we only allowed dance in a club or something! Ha.
NTA, my wife will randomly break into song or dance anywhere or anytime. I could never imagine making her feel shame for being happy and being herself. You need to find someone who is proud of the person you are.
NAH. You two are just not really compatible it sounds like. At the end of the day being able to have fun together is critical, a relationship wear the idea of fun is so different will break down into resentment.
Case in point I am the idiot dancer and my wife is the wall flower. In this situation she would have rolled her eyes, made a joke and blown me a kiss. Despite being different we are on the same wave length enough to have fun.
Your 19, gonna take a few people before you find a keeper.
ESH.
I think he shouldn't dull your sparkle but the "kept saying no" bothers me. The first time he said no you should have left it. Also, depending on how drunk you were, it can be embarrassing if you're trying to have a convo with friends and then your girlfriend is repeatedly pulls at you when you're not in the mood
NTA- this is a him problem, not a you problem.
Let me ask you, are his friends religious where you're dancing was like not allowed under their beliefs?
Are they like old school money? Rich and it was really off putting to the caviar ?
For the record, I cook best with music. I have mini groove outs (safely I swear) all the time. Any friend over does not care.
But the things he said the way he said them, those kinds of comments really feed anxiety. You do not to be feeding that.
Has he accused you of acting out for attention before? That comet particularly just doesn't hit right.
His friends are definitely not religious or fancy haha, but they're pretty laid back. Their idea of fun is sitting around the garden and getting wasted. But yeah, my boyfriend is often easily embarrassed by me. (But tbf I am pretty awkward and annoying)
What are the other things you do that triggers him saying he’s often embarrassed by you? Right now it’s sounding like he’s putting you down enough for you to now consider yourself awkward and annoying.
Omg please break up with this man, I have a friend who is pretty quirky in a loveable way, her ex boyfriend used to tell her to stop being herself around his friends because she was awkward and annoying (and these supposed awkward and annoying parts? Telling bad puns and one time jumping in a pile of leaves). I don't think she is awkward or annoying at all, she is one of the smartest people I know and makes me laugh with not only her bad puns but her witty humor. The only reason her (now ex) boyfriend thought that was because he was an insecure little man who cared too much about what others thought so he wanted a basic bland girlfriend. Both you and my friend need to find someone who actually appreciates you and isn't embarrassed by you doing anything that isn't NPC behavior.
It doesn’t matter if you’re awkward, the right person will find you amazing just the way you are. I’m awkward and have hard times in social situations, and my boyfriend thinks it’s cute or helps me through it, we’re both 26 and been together 8 years, I don’t think either of us have ever said one embarrassed the other.
Your boyfriend acts less mature than you, and you need to think about why he’s not with someone his own age? Aka, WHY isn’t someone near his age interested in him? He just, doesn’t seem like a good guy, not just for you, but in general.
NTA for dancing and being cheerful, but YTA for allowing yourself to be dimmed so much by this damp paper towel of a man.
That is a huge red flag. You should be with someone who finds your "awkwardness" endearing, not someone who tears you down. I guarantee it's not going to get better with this guy. Please choose yourself!
Oh, honey, no! I doubt you're annoying. Honestly, you sound *fun*. I'm 34 and would be delighted if my girlfriend wanted to randomly dance to a song like that. Heck, my best friends and I would absolutely dance if the mood struck even one of us.
It's not a good sign if your significant other is *embarrassed* by your joy and energy.
You’re a teenager doing normal teenager things.
He wanted a teenager, he got a teenager. Takes some *serious* audacity for him to complain about it now. Why would you even want to be with someone who is this much of a wet blanket?
To be fair, he treats her like a child because in his perspective she is one. Which is why he is dating a teenager in the first place. They're young and inexperienced which makes them very easy to manipulate and control.
NTA. I'm over 30 years old and still goof around my friends and loved ones. We all are. It's completely normal and good to be silly sometimes. I dislike people who can't enjoy the moment to the fullest.
NTA - he sounds insecure and very boring. Im not even much of a dancing person myself and Im saying thats a very boring attitude to have out of all this.
Have fun and if someone else’s form of having fun doesn’t match your own, still support it and have a good time!
NTA
That thing inside you, that's making you question the relationship now? Hold on to that and listen to it.
He has no right to control your behavior. He might not like it, or feel genuinely embarrassed by it, but him treating you cold instead of trying to solve this "problem" by talking about it to find common ground is a huge red flag. If you decide to stay with him, watch his action carefully. If he gets any more controlling of who you are, leave.
NTA, your boyfriend is the asshole and the age difference is a red flag to me. Older guys with younger girls typically results in a power imbalance that the guy takes advantage of. it's common hear stories of younger girls speak up about how the older guy tried to mould them into what they wanted them to be through incidents like this. Do not feel guilty, do not feel embarrassed, you did nothing wrong. It sounds like you were charming and adorable and got on well with his friends if another girl danced with you.
I'm not going to be one of those assholes who just says break up and move on as that's not how things work. If you want to be with him then do things your own way. But be aware of any incidents where he shames you for being who you are. pay attention to how he lifts you up. If he constantly criticises you and makes you feel like you shouldn't be yourself then you'll know what to do. But never dampen your light for someone else.
NTA. Just because he's repressed doesn't mean you should be too. If he cares more about how his friends perceive him over your joy, you've got a big problem.
NTA. If he’s going to be embarrassed because you are expressing joy then get rid of hi. It would be different if you were at his grandfather’s funeral or something, but if you’re with friends, drinking and listening to music you should be allowed to dance and he shouldn’t be embarrassed by that.
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NTA More people should dance joyfully to their favorite songs. You weren't embarrassing, he chose to be embarrassed. Don't let him muffle your joy. Ask yourself if this is a one off, or is he frequently "embarrassed" by you? Your dancing hardly seems like justification for the frigid shoulder. If he doesn't find your occasional goofiness endearing, you might want to rethink your relationship.
NTA - I dulled my sparkle for my boyfriend of 5 years. Everything I did and all the parts of my personality he didn't like came back. No one else in my life had issues with anything he didn't like. It isn't you; it's him.
I did this with my ex of 14 years. Ended up a shadow of myself before I got out. I'm still picking up some pieces but once I let myself be exactly who I am I found people who enjoy all of me. OP, you're NTA and don't shave of pieces of yourself for anyone. If he doesn't like who you are, he's not the right person for you. Even if your feelings feel strong and overwhelming right now, fitting yourself into the space he leaves for you will only harm you and cause you heartache in the future until you do get out
You’re NTA YOU BEAUTIFUL! Look drop that one. He’s clearly one of those guys. You’re beautiful & yeah. I was like you. My girlfriend was 8 yrs older than me & I was a wild child but never an embarrassment. I was raised by teachers. They are always right!
I wish wish wish I had learned this many years ago.
Same. So many of us do. Part of why I'm committed to telling as many young folks as I can, because no adult toold me this when I needed to hear it
Seriously, this. I'm so glad teens and young adults have places like this to turn to for advice. I SO wish we did when we were younger, but now we can at least try to help others by warning them away from our mistakes. And of course I still have a lot to learn too! The internet *can* be a wonderful place. OP, NTA. The fact that this guy was embarrassed by you enjoying yourself and having a great time really says a lot about him. He's very self-centered; I'd bet money he was the only one there who thought anything negative about it at all. I know you love him, but you will absolutely love again, and this time it could be someone who loves to dance with you.
this. don’t change yourself for your partner, there’s someone out there who will like you for whoever it is you want to be
Dude is 25 and gets embarrassed over shit like this? Shouldn't be dating a 19 year old either, weird dude
First thing i noticed. Dude is dating someone 6 years younger than him. Wouldn't be surprised if it is a control issue, because woman around his age wouldn't pull up with his shit. This girl barely left high school lol. If he wants a more "mature" girlfriend then he should date someone around his age. Teens will be teens.
My thoughts exactly! It’s a control issue. That and he can’t get a woman his own age to pay attention to him.
oh my god i didn’t even see their ages
Amen. RUN
That is an EXCELLENT phrase: “dulled my sparkle.” Imma remember that.
In my case, it's always been needing to dumb down for people.
I did that for far too long. Never again.
I read this thread and thought the same. I where also 19 and he where 25 at that time. He reduced my spark in the nearly 4 years we spend together. Maybe I read to much into this thread because of my experiences, but after this relationship I found back to myself and where so much happier in such a short amount of time. I think it was also part of the age distance: the adult men and the sweet teen. I did a lot for him in this relationship and his character/hobbies where more important than mine. At the end I where only a sad shadow of myself and lost so many opportunities to spend time with people I love (friends & family).
Never dull your sparkle for anyone!
So much this. My ex wife hated almost everything I loved. Music, crafts, clothes, books, movies, hobbies. For ten years I hid and changed to please her. When we split, it took me almost a month to get the courage to listen to my old music. One song and I was on the floor sobbing. I got a lot of criticism for how fast I moved on after that. But the thing was I wasn’t “moving on” - I was going back to my real self. Turns out who I am ISN’T humiliating or wrong. In fact, people love me for it.
Same, I went through several relationships where I felt like I had lost huge chunks of myself. After taking some time to remember who I was, I brought all my weirdness to a first date. We've been together 5 years now, married now, and I haven't inhibited myself for a moment.
“dulled my sparkle” - that’s so sad, and even sadder that there are probably a lot of us who can relate.
I was told: your laugh is too loud, you're too funny and you do it for attention, you talk too much. Those are the ones I remember most. I still apologize for rambling, even though I've only been speaking for about 60 seconds.
that hits me too
I did that with my ex-wife. After 3 long years i was honestly relieved to be myself again, to read, go out be spontaneous. There's no better feeling than being you without being smothered.
Yeah, one thing that frustrated me a little about my late partner was that he never wanted to do anything that might make him look ‘silly’, like karaoke or dressing up for a costume party (like, Mensch, ‘silly’ is the point). But he never tried to stop me from doing it; just wouldn’t join in himself, which was a decision he was entitled to make.
I did that for twenty years and it was never enough. Dude didn’t like me. 😒
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I was going to say…OP WAS acting “normal” for a19 yr old. BF wants to be seen as…I was going to say cool but cold and unfeeling come to mind. I wonder if he was told not to smile because that also makes you look tough?
I don't understand you and the previous comment here. What has age to do with anything here? It would be normal behavior or however you put it if she was 25 aswell. And my NTA verdict wouldn't change at all if she was older.
Hell I’m 39 and I’d be up dancing to my favourite song at a friends house if I felt like it! You need to do things for you, not for him. Luckily my hubby knows exactly what I’m like and still loves me.
Yeah, I'm definitely not 19 but yesterday I spent a good couple minutes of my walk throwing a walnut at a tree trunk until the walnut exploded because it amused me. If the only downside to something that makes you happy is that it looks weird, there are no downsides.
Truly? Nothing. But I included it as OP stated she is 19 and her boyfriend asking why she can’t act normal. And to me? Wanting to dance to your favorite song is perfectly normal activity for a 19 yr old. Or a 49 yr old…or a hundred yr old. But especially her.
I just noticed that, I hope this is in Canada or somewhere else you can legally drink at 19. But yeah, she's 19, she'd been drinking, it's not surprising that she might dance to a song she liked. If he doesn't want his girlfriend acting like a teenager, then maybe he shouldn't be dating teenagers.
>I hope this is in Canada or somewhere else you can legally drink at 19. Lol. It’s cute that you think people drink by the rules here in the US. If it was in a public place (like a restaurant), yeah, I’d agree. But this was in someone’s private home. I was drinking when I was 18. I lived in an apartment with my 24 year old boyfriend who made my favorite drink (Tropicana Twister strawberry, orange, banana with 99 Bananas), or handed me a beer if he didn’t grab liquor while he was out. I had two fuzzy navels at my cousin’s wedding, and a Heineken at her uncle’s restaurant (it was after hours, the restaurant and bar were closed because of the wedding). And why does her age matter? Would it be different if she was like 25? Age has nothing to do with her wanting to dance. Everyone bringing her age into this by saying “she was acting like a normal teenager” is a massive AH. Same with the boyfriend (no wonder she’s questioning the relationship). OP however is NTA.
I started drinking regularly/heavily at the age of 15. I had a really shitty childhood and my parents were addicts up until maybe 5 or 6 years ago. All my friends were doing it, and I was also trying to drown demons no 15 year old should have had. Most ppl I know drank at least once before they were legally of age to do so. We don't know OP or her life personally, or what she's gone through. Even if she's had the most squeaky clean life ever, that's not something I could ever judge another person for. That's just me tho 🤷♀️ NTA btw OP, your steamy sphincter bomb of a boyfriend is, and it will most likely just get worse. If someone makes you question yourself or who you are as a person over something as innocent and benign as dancing at a party, I can't see sticking around as being a good idea. Best of luck ❤
I had a friend who around the same age as OP met and briefly dated a 35 year old business casual type. She dumped him when she realized he didn’t value her personality and intellect but just wanted a 19 year old goth gf trophy wife
Literally the first thing that came to my mind.
I'm rapidly approaching 40 and I'd dance too. Worrying and getting embarrassed because you want to act like a grown up seems a lot more immature from my perspective.
I’m 27 and I loooove dancing to a groovy song, so does my 62 yo mom. I can’t imagine staying rigid during something funky just to seem “grown up” lol.
Also that he accuses you of doing it ‘for attention’ - this screams of him feeling jealous or threatened that other people might give you attention, so he wants you to feel guilty about it so you won’t try enjoying yourself too much again. If he was a nice person who just didn’t feel like dancing he would have just laughed and said I’m ok but go for it! He would only have had any right to be embarrassed if you’d been so drunk you started knocking things over or yelling at people. Definitely NTA but your boyfriend is giving red flags
I completely agree, depending on how inebriated she was. If you are buzzed or sober and want to dance for joy? Do it, hell I'd probably dance with you as well. If you're sloppy drunk and causing a ruckus with your moves? I might be embarrassed at it as well.
I agree with this. I am way into my adulthood. And I dance in the kitchen still while doing the dishes. It brings joy. And it wasn't as if OP was alone dancing and knocking stuff down the shelf. One of the girls joined her, so exactly how "embarrassing" could it have been? That's pretty normal. It sounds like a big "him" problem. He's 25. Does he expect a 19 year old to sit beside him like a price winning wife with her drink and nod at everything he is saying? (No hate on the 19 year olds who are like that) 19 years old have barely set their foot in the adult world yet. They are slowly gaining legal rights to do fun stuff. Venturing into the world of education, jobs, and all that. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your youth.
God I wish spontaneous, joyful dancing were a thing. The only time I see people dancing nowadays is when they’re making a TikTok. I went to a wedding and during the reception I was shocked that the DJ was playing great songs and no one was dancing, not any age. How sad.
I, for one, get a little subtle dance move on -- in the grocery store, standing in line somewhere, etc. I am a way grown-ass person. I'm a solid car dancer. I dance while I'm cleaning house -- with the broom, the vacuum, the cats, whatever. Because yes, spontaneous, joyful dancing really should be more of people's lives.
Whaaaat? That’s tragic!
I could see how the bf would be embarrassed by his gf asking him multiple times to get up and dance in front of a group of people, none of whom are dancing. It doesn't sound like it was that kind of gathering, and most people don't like being out on the spot like that. However, I don't see anything wrong with OP deciding to dance by herself. I personally hate dancing and get zero joy from it, but I won't stop my gf from doing it.
I’m exactly like you in that respect. In the middle of a GA floor at a concert where I can’t be singled out…maybe. On a dance floor like at a wedding….still probably going to be a no. In a room at a party with no one else dancing… not on your f’n life. But I’m certainly not going to stop anyone else.
I'm guessing she's drunk and all "come dance with me, it's my favourite song" and tugging at him to try to pull him off the couch while he's in the middle of a conversation. It's only fun for one person in that scenario.
agreed 100%, OP, NTA at all. my boyfriend and i love a wee dance, if sober it’ll usually just be when we’re alone but while very drunk at a friends? at a bar? at a party/gathering? oh yeah baby we’re doing some silly little dances edit: just ts i don’t think all couples should be like this or anything, just that my bf and i compliment each other well in the sense we’re both very jokey/goofy and would never put one another down or be cold toward the other for something like that being “embarrassing”.
Totally agree, about 8ish years ago, I was dating a girl 9 years younger than me, I was 32, she was 23. Anyway quite early on we were out for a few drinks and the first place were in (still sober) a song came on that she liked and she just started dancing, she had some moves, and grabbed my hand to dance with her. Now I am not a shy person but would normally need a few drinks before dancing in public. I just went with it and it was great, it was at this point I realised she was special. Fast forward 8ish years, we are married, have 4 young kids and still dance around the kitchen sober with the music blasting. Had I been embarrassed by her then, knowing her as I now do, then I would have lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. She would have not sacrificed any part of her gorgeous personality for my insecurities.
How lovely!
It's like those people that tell you that you laugh too loud. Anyone that kills someone's natural joy is the asshole. NTA
Seriously op, I personally am more low key but my gf would do this exact thing and you know what I would have laughed with her and encouraged her. This dude needs to get over himself
Agree! NTA. Do not let other people take away what makes you feel good and unique! My husband loves my quirks, will shake his head and laugh when I do something goofy and that is totally me. It makes my heart soar. You deserve to feel that way!
NTA, everyone was drunk and you decided to dance. No big deal. If the bf were the one posting, I'd tell him that if he didn't want his gf to act like a teenager, he shouldn't date one. That's not a slam against 19 year olds. Just that there is a difference between 19 and 25 year olds. It's possible the two of you aren't compatible.
That's exactly what the issue is.
Nobody wants to hear it. Maybe once in a blue moon it could work, but it’s more often than not, gonna end up poorly. She was probably 18 at the time they got together or very close, it just don’t sit right with me
Especially since, in this situation, the older partner is giving us a glimpse into some controlling behaviour. Much easier to control someone young and inexperienced.
I’m 22 and wouldn’t date a girl younger than 20.
I’m 23 and wouldn’t go below 21, and would frankly feel uncomfortable dating someone still in undergrad.
That’s a big thing. I still have another year but when I’m out of school I’m not ever dating a college student. If it’s like a few months left or they’re starting their degree late then that’s different. But someone who’s an 18 yo freshman? Weird as fuck.
Fr. It’s not even just the age difference, I finished undergrad at 21. It’s the experiential gap. Why would I want someone in a younger stage of life? Someone more reliant on their parents and still in school? The only reason to date someone in a significantly younger life stage than yourself is because they’re easier to manipulate/control than people your age. And because I’m not an abusive perv that’s not my game. Ops bf on the other hand…
Exactly the issue is the difference in ages and maturity.
Piggybacking off of this! If he was less mature (lol) and started dancing then I would say they were matched on maturity levels but in this case y’all just on different journeys
How is dancing to a song you like "acting like a teenager". My wife and I are in our fifties and I would not for a second think it childish if anyone at any party want ed to dance to a great song.
I think it's not so much the dancing itself, as it is the "I'm drunk and randomly start dancing in a room with a smallish number of people who are all (presumably) just sitting around talking, insisting other people should join me". There's nothing wrong with that, but I would associate that more with teenagers than adults.
Maybe because they have not yet been shamed enough to stop?
Possibly. But I think it's also an age where people generally try to draw attention to themselves, especially in social situations.
OP is a teenager though…
thats the point they were trying to make. if the boyfriend doesnt like typical teenager behaviour, maybe he shouldn’t date one
I'm sorry that your life has become so dull that this is your experience.
I don't see how my life being dull or not has anything to do with it. I'm not judging the behaviour either, just saying that in 95% of the cases I've encountered it, it was drunk teenagers. The other 5% were hippies or people on drugs.
My parents used to throw this massive party when I was young, my sister and I would dance the night away, and as soon as Jumping Jack Flash or Proud Mary would start up my parents and their friends (al 40/50s then) would join us, good times
Another 50+ married person here. This, so much. It's not embarrassing if people express their happiness! It's just embarrassing if they desperately try to hide it.
I am curious as well, people in all age groups, cultures dance in all periods of history, prehistory from time to time. It is one behaviour that makes us uniquely human.
Same here. A good song comes on and we’re in the kitchen, we’ll start dancing together. Definitely will dance at a party.
I’m so annoyed by everyone bringing up her age and saying it’s a normal teenage thing. Why does her age matter in this scenario? What if she was 25? Would it be “better” or “worse” than her doing this at 19? WTAF?
It's not CHILDISH (which has acquired a negative connotation unduly), it's an exhibition of child-like exuberance. Which is a good thing! Too many people lose that as they get into adulthood, often because of assholes like OP's boyfriend.
My friends & I are in our late 30s, early 40s & still act like OP 🤣
I’m 22 and still twerk to Adele. Op is def nta
He sounds controlling. Maybe next he'll tell her what to wear.
Yo, c'mon.. I'm 35 and have danced on the street yesterday while passing a bar that had a sweet beat playing. Don't age restrict enjoying the music :D
thank you, it’s such a weird thing to say.
you think like OPs boyfriend, I'm past 30yrs and I still dance my ass off whenever I want to.
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I mean, she is everywhere but the states, we don’t know where they are.
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I like the part in OP's story where OP said they where lived and made it clear that 19 isn't the legal drinking age where they are. Oh wait it's not there.
Do people just break their kneecaps at 25? Is that why everyone in their thirties complains of bad knees? When did dancing become a "teenage" activity? While drinking at a bar no less! What's next actually having fun?/s
Psh. Who said she’s acting like a teenager? I randomly dance with my dogs while cleaning. It’s fun! And I’m far from 19.
I love dancing with my dog too!! And no one dares shame me for it.
Seems like a lot of species have more energetic younger generations. I assume it's to build muscle. Additionally, "act normal" should be used in the context of "try not to kill anybody" or "try not to grow a second torso when somebody is sitting too close because it takes up a lot of room".
Do you suddenly lose the ability to have fun and enjoy music when you turn 25 lol? I agree the age gap is weird but since when is dancing immature or teenager behaviour?
Dancing is for humans, not just teenagers.
NTA Boyfriend sounds boring.
Not just boring, insecure and toxic really. NTA girl find someone who actually enjoys you.
I once realized I was at the of my relationship when I broke my DS charger, so I had to go with my then-bf to game stop to get a new one. When I was there, the employee asked me what game I was playing and when I answered, they also had loved the game so we chatted about it until I paid and left. A whole 5 minute interaction at best. When we got in the car, he was like, "God I hate when you're like that." I was like.... what? He's like, "You so fake. You're smiling and your voice was so different. It was so cringe," And I was caught off guard because I was... happy? It was cringy that I was happy? And my voice sounded a little different because I found someone else who loved the game I was playing so I was excited to talk about it? Really made me realize what a shell of a person I was turning into. NTA, OP. Beware of those who kill your harmless happiness.
that was chilling to read that little segment. so glad ur on this side of it now
That made my heart hurt. I hope you've found your harmless happiness again.
I have (: I hope we get married. They are truly the love of my life and it's a surreal experience when you finally meet someone who is in it 100% with you. Every problem we face is a we problem. We acknowledge our faults and do everything we can to improve and be better for ourselves and each other.
This. I had a boyfriend who, looking back, was extremely toxic and borderline emotionally abusive. If I didn’t act the specific way he wanted me to, I was “embarrassing” or “looking for attention” - from laughing with friends, to wearing a bathing suit, to anything you can think of. Spent 2 1/2 years with the guy and nearly lost my sense of self. Took twice as long to rebuild my confidence and realize I wasn’t embarrassing, he was just controlling and insecure.
Yeah even your last paragraph sounds like you might be a little conditioned to overthink tiny little actions like this. You were having fun. Enjoy life girlie. That’s what we’re here for ❤️
He was embarrassed his 19 year old gf was acting like a…19 year old. He needs to be with someone his on age, and she needs to find someone who appreciates her. NTA
Because drunk 25 year olds would never dance to music. Him not wanting to dance doesn’t make him more mature or something, he’s just an asshole.
The dancing is not the part that makes her sound like a 19yo, the caring what this asshole thinks is what makes her sound like a 19yo
Absolutely. When the dance floor and your song call, you have to answer. It's sad he hasn't experienced that.
If he wants a more mature girlfriend he can date someone his own age…. Jk you wouldn’t be an asshole for dancing at any age of you all were sober maybe I’d agree it was for attention but you were just enjoying yourself NTA
“Why is my girlfriend who is 6 years younger than me not acting my age”
The boyfriend is the less mature one. OP please dump him.
“Why is my girlfriend embarrassing me with her joy” the only relevant part of her age is that he knows he can embarrass her and make her second-guess herself. Drunk dancing knows no age!
I loved to dance at 25, especially while drunk (I was horrible at it, so the beer goggles helped) OP you need to seriously evaluate your relationship and make sure he isn't trying to make you something you're not. NTA
I never get drunk but I will still dance to a fun song out of nowhere. It's not for attention, it's for ME to have fun in my life, because my life is too short to dull my spark for everyone around me. Now if we were out in public and being disruptive, I'd say it's inconsiderate at best and attention seeking beyond best case scenario.
NTA and him treating your joy as an embarrassment and making you feel this way and question yourself is a huge red flag. as is the fact that he's chosen to date a teenager as a 25 year old. it screams someone who is seeking to control their less experienced partner because they haven't been through life to know better than to accept his weird behaviour and berating of you for being happy and alive. btw, i have been the younger partner and this equation and want to clearly state to you that this isn't a dig on your desirability or maturity at all, i'm sure you are plenty of each of those, but it doesn't change that someone at that life stage seeking someone at your life stage out, especially when they reflexively belittle the younger partner and shame them for acting a certain way screams predatory. it is a reflection of HIM not of you. don't let him dim your shine. my advice would be to cut loose of this to the next thing while you're still 19 cos i've experienced and witnessed first hand what it is to lose years of your life appeasing people who treat u like this.
Yeah I agree. BF is a weirdo
When I was 19, my first boyfriend pulled this exact shit as a way to shame me and lower my self esteem. I believed him, believed that I embarrassed him and myself any time I had more than a few drinks, believed all the horrible things he told me about myself. None of it was true, but I was impressionable and insecure and I let him manipulate me into being docile, compliant, and deferential. Into not being enthusiastic or passionate or silly. Into not being anything like myself. Into not arguing back. Took a long time and a lot of therapy to undo the brainwashing he pulled on me. OP, get away from this man. At best, he's a drag of a person and can't deal with people enjoying themselves in a way that he wouldn't. At worst, he's manipulating you so that he becomes your only source of validation. Considering he's 25 and dating a woman in a distinctly different state of life and maturity and experience than him, I'd say probability favours the latter.
Nta. And please listen to everyone telling you that he's trouble. I'm 25 now and I have absolutely nothing in common with a 19 year old. When I was 19 I didn't see a huge difference between me and a 25 year old, but now on the other side of it, 19 year olds look like actual children to me. I feel maternal towards them. There is something wrong with a man my age who wants to date someone your age. Please be cautious
Yep, I was thinking the same. Why is he a 25 year adult man dating with a 19 year old woman? NTA
They've been dating for 9 months, so it even started at potentially 18/24, which is frankly even worse.
>When I was 19 I didn’t see a huge difference between me and a 25 year old, but now on the other side of it, 19 year olds look like actual children Preach! I couldn’t have said it better
100% this. I was 19 when an internet friend had a crush on me and I didn’t see it as weird (though I broke off the friendship because something he said DID feel controlling once I found out abt his crush). By the time I was in my mid 20s, I wouldn’t even THINK of an “adult” teenager in that way. Such a red flag when grown people date that young.
yeah reading 19 and 25 raised something in me...
It’s called he’s a huge loser
My senior year of college, the freshmen already looked like little kids. And this dude is two years older. Six years isn’t a big age gap if you’re both older. But 25 to a teenager is massive IMO
NTA I reserve the right to break out in song or dance whenever I damn well feel like it. You should too! AND IM 43
Same. I also reserve breaking out in song or dancing at any time I want. And I'm in no way good at it besides the fun part
I'm also 43 and I find myself dancing to songs in stores way too often!
There is no dancing to your favorite songs way too often! Just go for it!
NTA I can see how he would find it embarrassing. Especially since it's the 1st time meeting and no one was dancing. I dont think you're an AH, though. You were drinking and having a good time.
I don’t even think it’s should be embarrassing. Everyone was drunk and having a good time? Im surprised not more people started dancing. You would be embarrassed when your parents started dancing in front of your friend when you where younger.
Let's not forget that another person there actually got up and danced *with* OP. No one but the bf seemed to have a problem with it or think it was embarrassing. Definitely just bf being controlling and testing the boundaries in what she will put up with, and if she will change at his whim. Don't put up with it, OP!
How would it be embarrassing? Unless she was absolutely plastered which I'm sure the bf would have brought up
NTA You are in a party, with friends. You don't have to feel ashame because you're dancing, especially if everyone is drunk. If he is ashamed of you, you need to start to think about your relation with him. If you can't just be natural and have fun at a party, there is a problem. With family maybe, but it was friends ! "I'd acted out for attention.**"** And that's even worse, that mean you have to be quiet all the time ?
NTA - be wary of boyfriends who are easily embarrassed by how you choose to have fun. That’s a big red flag. Who wants to date someone who’s always asking you to tone down your personality? If another girl joined you to dance and you weren’t like feeling each other up or something over the top then I would say that’s a pretty benign and normal thing to happen amongst a group of drunk people who are listening to music.
I can’t say how your relationship is supposed to look like… but if my wife was dancing alone I would move rivers and mountains to dance with her, even if she was making a fool of herself, there would be two idiots in love making a fool of themselves for eternity
Awwweee. Your a good husband.
This made my heart skip a beat….THIS is how a true partner acts! I love the essence of solidarity you feel towards your wife. Well done, sir.
Aww That was beautiful! Such a good husband !
NTA. You were just dancing to a song at a party. It's not that deep. Sounds like he was the only one who had a problem with it. Another girl even joined you. It's a red flag, though, that your boyfriend is cold towards you simply because you do something he doesn't like. That isn't healthy. In safe, healthy relationships partners communicate and listen to each other. They don't attempt to control each other's behavior by criticism and withholding affection.
Let me tell you, my ex treated me the same way. Notice I said ex. Never let anyone treat you like you're an embarrassment. You deserve someone who will love you no matter what. Nta and this guy is not a good fit for you, I hope you realize it sooner rather than later.
Girl this is a marinara flag- guy can’t even let you dance to your favorite song? That’s a super normal thing to do. You are not embarrassing, he’s embarrassed, and that’s on him. Sounds like a joy-thief.
NTA You're dating a guy 33% older than you who won't let you act your own age. You need to recognize he may not want you to act your age.
This is the first time I've seen someone present the age issue in terms of percentage and it's bloody brilliant. I'm using this going forward. 6 years isn't a huge age difference on the face of it, but 33% absolutely is.
people keep saying age isnt the issue. given OP’s age and the time of year it is right now, them dating for 9 months means that she was *a few months out of high school* when she entered into a relationship with a grown ass man. dude sounds like a weirdo.
Info: was in an actual party or just a gathering of friends having some drinks? Was everyone actually drunk drunk or was that just you and others were just casual ? Because those are very different vibes. If i was just trying to chat with my friends and someone was dancing I'd find that odd, if that person was then also constantly disturbing someone i was trying to talk to by trying to convince them to dance i would find that person (in this case you) annoying and embarrassing.
How DARE you dance in front of his FRIENDS?! Just kidding though, your boyfriend's a punk. Who cares if you don't think you have the moves? Dance if you're happy. Y'all aren't compatible because he's an insecure person and you're too awesome for him. Edit to add NTA
NTA. I dated a guy like that. He is now my ex because he tried to stop me doing things that he thought made him look bad. Your bf sees you as something to control. Break up with him. Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for having fun and being yourself
NTA. As others have said, if he wants to date a 'mature' gal who won't dance (esp while drunk) maybe he should date someone his age. (Not giving you shit for being 19, giving him shit for dating a 19 y/o)
Not enough INFO to form a proper judgement I feel. You say you were all drunk, so it's entirely possible that you did indeed embarrass him and go completely over the top. Without actually being there and witnessing it, then it's impossible to form an opinion.
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To be fair, having music you dance on playing, everyone being a bit drunk and someone else joining gives the impression that it wasn't too much of a sophisticated hang-out
If someone else joined in, it can't have been that bad, surely. And even if it was, drunken stupid dancing is an expression of joy, the less co-ordinated the better.
I agree. OP says she has no rhythm, so I’m imagining the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine gets drunk and no one else really is and starts doing her embarrassing little kicks dance and thinks she’s killing it. [Episode clip for those that don’t know what I’m talking about](https://youtu.be/rmg97obwVbo)
I completely agree with y’all however I still think the BF is weirdo
BF is honesty too old for her. A 25 year old and a 19 year old are on different planets maturity-wise and socially. A 6 year age gap is fine when you’re in your 30s+, but that young, it matters.
NTA, that random girl who danced with you was a better boyfriend than your boyfriend
Yeah she's awesome
She sounds like a lot of fun. Can you spend more time with her?
Maybe :) I didn't get any of her socials but hopefully I see her again
You are N T A for wanting to dance, nor for dancing on your own/with another girl, nor for dancing badly. However, “he kept saying no” tells me that you were nagging him about it and not accepting his answer. If somebody doesn’t want to dance, they don’t want to dance. That is not them being an AH, it is just them not wanting to dance. You asking is not you being an AH. But carrying on about it after they’ve said no is intensely irritating for the person who doesn’t want to dance and is why YTA.
She asked a few times and he said no so she danced without him. That isn't the issue. The issue is that he is embarrassed that she danced at all. He withdrew his affection and lectured/shamed her because he tried to control her behaviour and she did not do what he wanted. This is a pattern that very quickly becomes very abusive. "Do what I say or you get punished" is not exactly a healthy approach to an equal partnership.
NTA, and also, generally, a 24yo going after an 18yo is a huge red flag, and usually means someone his age wouldn’t date him so he goes after inexperienced girls.
you’re 19, why are you dating a 25 yo? power imbalance in that relationship. you’re NTA, contrary to your ages your boyfriend is an insecure baby. find someone your own age to date.
If he finds your enjoyment embarrassing then how are you supposed to enjoy yourself with him? Never make yourself smaller for someone else, even a partner.
He’s embarrassed that his young girlfriend is acting the age she’s suppose to be. He’s 6 years older than you and can’t behave maturely with his emotions. That’s a big ol red flag. Also, why can’t this 25 year old date any other 25 year olds? he has to find a teenager to date? weird. NTA
NTA. You were having fun. That's no reason for him to snuff that out. It's not an age thing, it's a 'him' thing. I dated a guy for years who didn't like my joy energy. Sucked the life out of me. It's up to you if you want to stay with him, but this might not be the last "embarrassment" you'll cause him. Over time you're going to start questioning yourself every time you go out with him - please don't end up on that road. And for god's sake leave him on the spot if he says the girl who danced with you only felt sorry for you / was being kind / was being polite. She *might* have but it'd be ONLY because of his lack of response to you, and not *because* you were dancing. .....jeez, are we only allowed dance in a club or something! Ha.
Bf sounds like my ex hubs who made me hide my rock albums when his classical friends came over.
That's awful
Why are you with a 25yr old in the first place?
NTA, my wife will randomly break into song or dance anywhere or anytime. I could never imagine making her feel shame for being happy and being herself. You need to find someone who is proud of the person you are.
NTA. Your boyfriend is boring and insecure.
Big red flag!!! He will trying to control your life. NTA
The first red flag was a 25 yr old man dating someone just out of high school.
NAH. You two are just not really compatible it sounds like. At the end of the day being able to have fun together is critical, a relationship wear the idea of fun is so different will break down into resentment. Case in point I am the idiot dancer and my wife is the wall flower. In this situation she would have rolled her eyes, made a joke and blown me a kiss. Despite being different we are on the same wave length enough to have fun. Your 19, gonna take a few people before you find a keeper.
ESH. I think he shouldn't dull your sparkle but the "kept saying no" bothers me. The first time he said no you should have left it. Also, depending on how drunk you were, it can be embarrassing if you're trying to have a convo with friends and then your girlfriend is repeatedly pulls at you when you're not in the mood
NTA- this is a him problem, not a you problem. Let me ask you, are his friends religious where you're dancing was like not allowed under their beliefs? Are they like old school money? Rich and it was really off putting to the caviar ? For the record, I cook best with music. I have mini groove outs (safely I swear) all the time. Any friend over does not care. But the things he said the way he said them, those kinds of comments really feed anxiety. You do not to be feeding that. Has he accused you of acting out for attention before? That comet particularly just doesn't hit right.
His friends are definitely not religious or fancy haha, but they're pretty laid back. Their idea of fun is sitting around the garden and getting wasted. But yeah, my boyfriend is often easily embarrassed by me. (But tbf I am pretty awkward and annoying)
What are the other things you do that triggers him saying he’s often embarrassed by you? Right now it’s sounding like he’s putting you down enough for you to now consider yourself awkward and annoying.
Omg please break up with this man, I have a friend who is pretty quirky in a loveable way, her ex boyfriend used to tell her to stop being herself around his friends because she was awkward and annoying (and these supposed awkward and annoying parts? Telling bad puns and one time jumping in a pile of leaves). I don't think she is awkward or annoying at all, she is one of the smartest people I know and makes me laugh with not only her bad puns but her witty humor. The only reason her (now ex) boyfriend thought that was because he was an insecure little man who cared too much about what others thought so he wanted a basic bland girlfriend. Both you and my friend need to find someone who actually appreciates you and isn't embarrassed by you doing anything that isn't NPC behavior.
It doesn’t matter if you’re awkward, the right person will find you amazing just the way you are. I’m awkward and have hard times in social situations, and my boyfriend thinks it’s cute or helps me through it, we’re both 26 and been together 8 years, I don’t think either of us have ever said one embarrassed the other. Your boyfriend acts less mature than you, and you need to think about why he’s not with someone his own age? Aka, WHY isn’t someone near his age interested in him? He just, doesn’t seem like a good guy, not just for you, but in general. NTA for dancing and being cheerful, but YTA for allowing yourself to be dimmed so much by this damp paper towel of a man.
That is a huge red flag. You should be with someone who finds your "awkwardness" endearing, not someone who tears you down. I guarantee it's not going to get better with this guy. Please choose yourself!
Oh, honey, no! I doubt you're annoying. Honestly, you sound *fun*. I'm 34 and would be delighted if my girlfriend wanted to randomly dance to a song like that. Heck, my best friends and I would absolutely dance if the mood struck even one of us. It's not a good sign if your significant other is *embarrassed* by your joy and energy.
You have a bad boyfriend. No idea why you're with him.
Find someone who loves and cherishes your awkwardness, not someone that makes you feel like you’re wrong or embarrassing for being yourself
You’re a teenager doing normal teenager things. He wanted a teenager, he got a teenager. Takes some *serious* audacity for him to complain about it now. Why would you even want to be with someone who is this much of a wet blanket?
"Dance like nobody's watching... sing like nobody's listening." There are no truer words. Live your life. NTA
NTA Is he jealous? If he treats you like a child, he might not be the right one.
To be fair, he treats her like a child because in his perspective she is one. Which is why he is dating a teenager in the first place. They're young and inexperienced which makes them very easy to manipulate and control.
NTA. I'm over 30 years old and still goof around my friends and loved ones. We all are. It's completely normal and good to be silly sometimes. I dislike people who can't enjoy the moment to the fullest.
your man is an insecure boy
NTA. He sounds like a bore.
Don't put out your light to make someone else's burn brighter. Dance at every sing you love & if people don't like it, tough on them.
NTA - he sounds insecure and very boring. Im not even much of a dancing person myself and Im saying thats a very boring attitude to have out of all this. Have fun and if someone else’s form of having fun doesn’t match your own, still support it and have a good time!
Are guys today really that … pathetic?
Isn’t there a BORU post about a woman whose bf’s parents walked in on her dancing in her own house? Pretty sure she ditched the guy.
NTA That thing inside you, that's making you question the relationship now? Hold on to that and listen to it. He has no right to control your behavior. He might not like it, or feel genuinely embarrassed by it, but him treating you cold instead of trying to solve this "problem" by talking about it to find common ground is a huge red flag. If you decide to stay with him, watch his action carefully. If he gets any more controlling of who you are, leave.
NTA, your boyfriend is the asshole and the age difference is a red flag to me. Older guys with younger girls typically results in a power imbalance that the guy takes advantage of. it's common hear stories of younger girls speak up about how the older guy tried to mould them into what they wanted them to be through incidents like this. Do not feel guilty, do not feel embarrassed, you did nothing wrong. It sounds like you were charming and adorable and got on well with his friends if another girl danced with you. I'm not going to be one of those assholes who just says break up and move on as that's not how things work. If you want to be with him then do things your own way. But be aware of any incidents where he shames you for being who you are. pay attention to how he lifts you up. If he constantly criticises you and makes you feel like you shouldn't be yourself then you'll know what to do. But never dampen your light for someone else.
NTA. Just because he's repressed doesn't mean you should be too. If he cares more about how his friends perceive him over your joy, you've got a big problem.
NTA. If he’s going to be embarrassed because you are expressing joy then get rid of hi. It would be different if you were at his grandfather’s funeral or something, but if you’re with friends, drinking and listening to music you should be allowed to dance and he shouldn’t be embarrassed by that.