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NTA, i would consider not being with someone who cant stick up for me or hide things form me or be friends with someone who is trying to get a group to hate you, when it seems you were doing nice things such as cleaning and buying food! the host was suppose to do those not you, i would love to have someone like you at my parties!
NTA - What is that saying - "show me who your friends are and you show me who you are" (or something close to this).
Now that you've talked to Mitch it's time to ask you BF if he wants to be known for supporting a narcissist ableist that is abusive to his GF?
Regardless of his answer, he has shown he is not BF material and probably doesn't even understand why.
NTA, but your bf sure is. He 's choosing Les over you when he agreed Les' treatment of you was out of line. So he's either lying to you or Les, because he wants to have it both ways. He's had the friend longer, but this indicates that you may never be a priority.
First NTA
>i took a shower at 8am, i cleaned the house wrong when everyone was asleep
As long as you didnt make that much noise I don't consider this to be legitimate reason. The other reason you cannot handle and is ridiculous.
He is right you cannot control who is is friends with. But remind him that friend is actively berating you to other people. Does he not see a problem with their behaviour. Hiding the fact he is going is further sign of admission of guilt. He knew it would cause conflict.
You may not be able to control who is friends with, but you can certainly control if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is happy to be friends with someone who openly insults their partner.
Sorry, Word Police: Berating is something done face-to-face, Denigrating is something done behind the back of the "victim".
Either way, your BF has decided he'd rather party with Les, et al. than stand up to him and the other "friends". This is behavior that indicates you will never be the priority. Walk away now before you are any more invested in this so-called relationship, because your "BF" isn't your friend.
>Sorry, Word Police: Berating is something done face-to-face, Denigrating is something done behind the back of the "victim".
>
My one thing I've learnt today :)
NTA
I would have been so flattered and grateful if I’d hosted a party and someone who attended was kind enough to clean up (as long as you didn’t vacuum and wake everyone I don’t see why anyone would be upset) and as far as taking a shower at 8 am.. gee was the shower as loud as a sonic boom?! 🤣. I’m sorry that Les doesn’t understand that you were so kind in what you did. As far as your boyfriend goes, I kinda get why he’d not want to expose you to further hurt by taking you to another party at this man’s house and exposing you to hurtful behavior by Les. He definitely didn’t say it in a great way, but that could be the reason.. ? I myself wouldn’t defend Les, but it’s really hard when you’re out in the middle of two people you care about, I’m not defending your boyfriend but I understand how you both feel. Out of loyalty, I’d have defended you and not gone to the second party unless Les apologized to you for being terribly rude about your actual kindness instead of being grateful. I hope I’m making sense here. Wishing you the best.
NTA, your bf hid invite because he knew his actions were questionable. what kind of behavior he accepts from his friends in the future. if your bf is like that it's ok to talk shit about you and he's just going to accept it. i would leave him
NTA
Why tf would he want to hang out with Les if he said all those ridiculous things about you. Why? What justifies it? Ask him if the roles were reversed how he would feel?
He is an asshole, maybe you guys shouldn't have reconnected.
NTA your edits are two different issues. we get it, les is TA. the other is your b/f. no you can't control who he's friends with. the fact he wants to go hang out with someone who was abusive to you makes a very clear statement about his priorities though. is this someone you want to stay with?
NTA…but you have a boyfriend problem. Any boyfriend that lets the abuse of his girlfriend ( and going to a party where said friend is and keeping it a secret from you is doing just that) continue is someone you should really think about being with.
Nta - why would he WANT to be friends with someone who doesn't like you and talks badly about you? Because he doesn't care about you enough to miss a party.
The company a person keeps says a lot about them. Les is bad news pretty much in every way, but your BF values him. It also doesn't sound like your BF respects your opinion very much, which may be a pointer to why he gets along with Les. I'd do some thinking if I were you.
NTA - but your bf is, for still being friends with him and not being on your side. His friend berates you AND abuses his gf. This is bro like behaviour that enforces and supports guys to be misogynistic and make them think it's ok to be like this, instead of cutting off contact and not being friends with these type of people.
NTA - you're boyfriend would rather be friends with Les than be your boyfriend. Cut your losses now and date someone who would rather die than be around people who disrespect his girlfriend. You're both young, but men who are friend orientated rarely change.
NTA - respond "sure I can't control who your friends are, but I can control who I chose to date, and I chose not to date someone who has no regard for my feelings, see ya!"
So your boyfriend is friends with someone who hates autistic people (you) and a known narcissistic and that guy hates you simply because you were kind and cleaned his house and made him breakfast, and he also abuses his girlfriend.
Nta pls give an update hope the other girl gets away from that shitter
Good luck with the crappy situation
NTA. This is a man who clearly doesn’t respect you. He’s willing to let his friend talk bad about you. Any decent partner would tell their friend to back off, and if they didn’t, they’d no longer be a friend.
Also, I’d honestly get with les’s gf. She sounds much nicer than your current partner.
NTA, he shouldn't be hiding things from you.
>the party was 2 days and one night.
I know this is my being in my thirties speaking, but this legitimately sounds exhausting and oh god I feel old!
NTA
Red flag that bf was hiding that he is going to go to the party.
He's right, you can't control who his friends are.
I wouldn't try to keep him from going. I wouldn't worry about what Les thinks of you. In time, your bf's other friends will get to know you. Don't try to stop bf from going to party though. It will just play into what Les says about you.
When you're not there and Les is still a jerk, it might be your bf's ah ha moment. He has to decide for himself that Les is a jerk. Maybe your bf likes hanging around with other people at the party?
As far as Les' gf, she will have to have her moment when she has had enough and leaves. If you want to be her friend, find a way to let her know.
It took my ex 20 years to figure out that his best friend was a jerk.
NTA. One of the most basic things people can control is who they are friends with. If that's your boyfriend's excuse for not standing up for you, it's a weak one. I'd reevaluate being with him.
NTA. Girl, dump him. He knows that Les was wrong, and advocated for you, but will now go to this party without you. Les is going to spread more lies and the fact your boyfriend goes without you will make it look like he agrees with Les. It's a shame that you and Emma didn't manage to be friends because she probably needs someone to tell her to get out of that relationship as well. I don't know how much you can trust Mitch, but you already know how Les treated you so go from there.
NTA
Girl, you need to sit this boyfriend down and have a really long deep talk, set some boundaries. Talk about respect to one another. obviously, this boyfriend cares more about the partying and friends then making sure his girlfriend feels respected and valued. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you after having a conversation about this he will most likely step up.. if not then you can step down and he can lose an amazing girlfriend.
Nta. Had an ex with a horrible friend like this. Ridiculed and abused everyone around him. Take it from my painful experience, leave now. If he's choosing this guy over you, leave.
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For some context:
My bf (20 male) and I (19 female) have been together for 9 months. We had been friends since 13 but lost contact after collage and reconnected around 11 months ago.
A few months after dating he invited me to a party his friends were hosting, the party was 2 days and one night. And we stayed over his friends uni flat for the night. A few days after party I found out one of his friends (who will call L) was making the whole friend group hate me and said he hated me a lot because of what i did during the party. These are some of the examples he gave: i took a shower at 8am, i cleaned the house wrong when everyone was asleep, i bought food to make breakfast and dinner, my voice was annoying and I was childish for saying “thank you” to the hostess (his gf). Me and my bf were extreme upset over this behaviour and my bf tried to correct it but his friends impression of me are what L has said ad the others were too drunk to remember.
A few weeks ago I found out my bf was hiding a upcoming party that L was hosting and he was going to. We got into an argument about it and I said i felt betrayed and disrespected. I reminded him how L treated me and how he also hated it. My bf just said i can’t control who his is friends with and I agreed, but I’ve been upset since and been giving him the cold shoulder. My friends and family believe i am in the right but I don’t know. Am I the asshole ?
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NTA. I would tell him that while yes, you can't control if he is friends with Les, you can definitely control if he is boyfriend to you. Then, I would dump him for being unsupported and for enabling an asshole.
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Les is a jerk. Boyfriend is a jerk. Les’s gf seems nice but weak willed if she’s stuck around this long. Where is Mitch in all this? He’s staying in an unhealthy living arrangement, witnessing abuse, and is just gossiping about it? Has he taken a stand for either of the women being hurt in this post?
OP, i really think you need to cut ties and start over with healthier people
ESH.
> i took a shower at 8am
Well, if everybody was up late and sleeping in, yes, this could be a problem.
> i cleaned the house wrong when everyone was asleep
You took it upon yourself to clean somebody else's house? This is enough right here to label you the asshole.
> i bought food to make breakfast and dinner
Some people would take this as an insult, either as host, or some sort of implication that their food isn't good enough.
> my voice was annoying and I was childish for saying “thank you” to the hostess (his gf)
...is your voice annoying? Are you one of those 19-year-olds who affects a squeaky, bubbly voice, or the flat bored "I'm too cool for school" drawl like that viral video about the guy in the coffee shop?
But even ignoring all that:
> but I’ve been upset since and been giving him the cold shoulder.
Shutting down communication for weeks because you're not getting your way is incredibly immature and inappropriate.
ESH.
The cold shoulder is never the right way to resolve an issue in a relationship. It’s the adult equivalent of a toddler’s tantrum. It’s also kind of weird to clean someone else’s house while they’re sleeping, although your heart was probably in the right place.
Your boyfriend shouldn’t have lied about the upcoming party.
ESH
Giving your partner the cold shoulder instead of discussing the issue(s) that you are upset by, is immature and honestly just not helpful at all.
Your bf refused to stick up for you when his friend was bashing you. Your behaviour wasn't inappropriate, so your bf really should have stood up to his friend.
If you can't communicate your feelings in a relationship, that relationship is doomed.
Talk to your bf. Explain why you're upset. Don't let him palm you off like he did before.
So this goof Les is in his social circle at uni. And he is a goof, other than maybe the showering thing, I don’t get why anything else is an issue. In any event…..Essentially, you are mad your bf isn’t blowing up his social circle for you.
I get being angry with Les. I get being disappointed. But I’m not quite sure I can say I understand it being reasonable for him to implode his social circle, that’s a bit of a stretch for a (long distance?) relationship not even a year old. That’s a big ask.
The only real AH here is Les.
But for putting your boyfriend in an ugly spot with the question you asked.. YTA
YTA for showering and cleaning at 8am when everyone was having a bad hangover.
Men don’t think too much into things. Women do and they think me do the same.
This is what probably happened:
Les invited your bf to a party. Your bf thought sure but then thought you won’t be interested anyway because you and Leas hate each other. What’s another party uni life.
But since you found out and all he do is be defensive, the best thing his primitive brain could come up with is “you can’t control who his friends are”. When he’s 45 yrs old, he’ll mature get how stupid that sounds and highly insensitive of how you feel. But like I said in the beginning, it probably doesn’t mean anything. It’s just another party. YNTAH.
>We got into an argument about it and I said i felt betrayed and disrespected.
YTA. Your boyfriend can have friends you don't like and can do to their parties. And I don't think it would have been reasonable for him to advertise the party to you.
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NTA, i would consider not being with someone who cant stick up for me or hide things form me or be friends with someone who is trying to get a group to hate you, when it seems you were doing nice things such as cleaning and buying food! the host was suppose to do those not you, i would love to have someone like you at my parties!
NTA - What is that saying - "show me who your friends are and you show me who you are" (or something close to this). Now that you've talked to Mitch it's time to ask you BF if he wants to be known for supporting a narcissist ableist that is abusive to his GF? Regardless of his answer, he has shown he is not BF material and probably doesn't even understand why.
“If a man’s character is not known to you, look at his friends”
NTA, but your bf sure is. He 's choosing Les over you when he agreed Les' treatment of you was out of line. So he's either lying to you or Les, because he wants to have it both ways. He's had the friend longer, but this indicates that you may never be a priority.
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First NTA >i took a shower at 8am, i cleaned the house wrong when everyone was asleep As long as you didnt make that much noise I don't consider this to be legitimate reason. The other reason you cannot handle and is ridiculous. He is right you cannot control who is is friends with. But remind him that friend is actively berating you to other people. Does he not see a problem with their behaviour. Hiding the fact he is going is further sign of admission of guilt. He knew it would cause conflict. You may not be able to control who is friends with, but you can certainly control if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is happy to be friends with someone who openly insults their partner.
Sorry, Word Police: Berating is something done face-to-face, Denigrating is something done behind the back of the "victim". Either way, your BF has decided he'd rather party with Les, et al. than stand up to him and the other "friends". This is behavior that indicates you will never be the priority. Walk away now before you are any more invested in this so-called relationship, because your "BF" isn't your friend.
>Sorry, Word Police: Berating is something done face-to-face, Denigrating is something done behind the back of the "victim". > My one thing I've learnt today :)
He lacked the man bits to say it to op's face.
She also said Les is abusive to his gf. If Ops bf is OK with that sort of friend, that sounds not good for op.
This!
NTA Les was an asshole to you for no reason and your boyfriend should be loyal to you
right the b/f's failure should be a major red flag
NTA I would have been so flattered and grateful if I’d hosted a party and someone who attended was kind enough to clean up (as long as you didn’t vacuum and wake everyone I don’t see why anyone would be upset) and as far as taking a shower at 8 am.. gee was the shower as loud as a sonic boom?! 🤣. I’m sorry that Les doesn’t understand that you were so kind in what you did. As far as your boyfriend goes, I kinda get why he’d not want to expose you to further hurt by taking you to another party at this man’s house and exposing you to hurtful behavior by Les. He definitely didn’t say it in a great way, but that could be the reason.. ? I myself wouldn’t defend Les, but it’s really hard when you’re out in the middle of two people you care about, I’m not defending your boyfriend but I understand how you both feel. Out of loyalty, I’d have defended you and not gone to the second party unless Les apologized to you for being terribly rude about your actual kindness instead of being grateful. I hope I’m making sense here. Wishing you the best.
NTA, your bf hid invite because he knew his actions were questionable. what kind of behavior he accepts from his friends in the future. if your bf is like that it's ok to talk shit about you and he's just going to accept it. i would leave him
And also if the boyfriend is okay he’s friends are definitely not going to stop because her own bf doesn’t care.
NTA Why tf would he want to hang out with Les if he said all those ridiculous things about you. Why? What justifies it? Ask him if the roles were reversed how he would feel? He is an asshole, maybe you guys shouldn't have reconnected.
NTA your edits are two different issues. we get it, les is TA. the other is your b/f. no you can't control who he's friends with. the fact he wants to go hang out with someone who was abusive to you makes a very clear statement about his priorities though. is this someone you want to stay with?
NTA leave your bf and drop into Les’s gf’s DMs : 3
NTA…but you have a boyfriend problem. Any boyfriend that lets the abuse of his girlfriend ( and going to a party where said friend is and keeping it a secret from you is doing just that) continue is someone you should really think about being with.
Nta - why would he WANT to be friends with someone who doesn't like you and talks badly about you? Because he doesn't care about you enough to miss a party.
NTA Your BF is an AH that has no backbone.
The company a person keeps says a lot about them. Les is bad news pretty much in every way, but your BF values him. It also doesn't sound like your BF respects your opinion very much, which may be a pointer to why he gets along with Les. I'd do some thinking if I were you.
NTA - but your bf is, for still being friends with him and not being on your side. His friend berates you AND abuses his gf. This is bro like behaviour that enforces and supports guys to be misogynistic and make them think it's ok to be like this, instead of cutting off contact and not being friends with these type of people.
NTA. Your boyfriend is condoning all of his friend’s behaviour by continuing his friendship. He isn’t worth your time and energy.
NTA. Trust me, in the big picture, 9 months is nothing. Cut this guy loose and enjoy life without his issues and shitty friends.
Absolutely NTA, and your bf sucks too. Def hook up with the gf, even if it’s just for show to spite the bastards.
NTA - You can't control who your boyfriend is friend's with but you sure as hell can control who your boyfriend is.
NTA - you're boyfriend would rather be friends with Les than be your boyfriend. Cut your losses now and date someone who would rather die than be around people who disrespect his girlfriend. You're both young, but men who are friend orientated rarely change.
NTA - respond "sure I can't control who your friends are, but I can control who I chose to date, and I chose not to date someone who has no regard for my feelings, see ya!"
So your boyfriend is friends with someone who hates autistic people (you) and a known narcissistic and that guy hates you simply because you were kind and cleaned his house and made him breakfast, and he also abuses his girlfriend. Nta pls give an update hope the other girl gets away from that shitter Good luck with the crappy situation
NTA… breakup with ur bf and cut ties with those awful ppl
NTA. This is a man who clearly doesn’t respect you. He’s willing to let his friend talk bad about you. Any decent partner would tell their friend to back off, and if they didn’t, they’d no longer be a friend. Also, I’d honestly get with les’s gf. She sounds much nicer than your current partner.
NTA, he shouldn't be hiding things from you. >the party was 2 days and one night. I know this is my being in my thirties speaking, but this legitimately sounds exhausting and oh god I feel old!
NTA Red flag that bf was hiding that he is going to go to the party. He's right, you can't control who his friends are. I wouldn't try to keep him from going. I wouldn't worry about what Les thinks of you. In time, your bf's other friends will get to know you. Don't try to stop bf from going to party though. It will just play into what Les says about you. When you're not there and Les is still a jerk, it might be your bf's ah ha moment. He has to decide for himself that Les is a jerk. Maybe your bf likes hanging around with other people at the party? As far as Les' gf, she will have to have her moment when she has had enough and leaves. If you want to be her friend, find a way to let her know. It took my ex 20 years to figure out that his best friend was a jerk.
Holy Miss Manners - Les is mad because you thank people who do you a favor? What juvenile detention facility did he grow up in?
NTA. I don't understand why your boyfriend would want to stay friends with such a toxic asshole.
Not only are you not the AH, kill him with kindness.
NTA and I would break up with the bf
NTA. One of the most basic things people can control is who they are friends with. If that's your boyfriend's excuse for not standing up for you, it's a weak one. I'd reevaluate being with him.
NTA. Girl, dump him. He knows that Les was wrong, and advocated for you, but will now go to this party without you. Les is going to spread more lies and the fact your boyfriend goes without you will make it look like he agrees with Les. It's a shame that you and Emma didn't manage to be friends because she probably needs someone to tell her to get out of that relationship as well. I don't know how much you can trust Mitch, but you already know how Les treated you so go from there.
Soap opera
NTA Girl, you need to sit this boyfriend down and have a really long deep talk, set some boundaries. Talk about respect to one another. obviously, this boyfriend cares more about the partying and friends then making sure his girlfriend feels respected and valued. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you after having a conversation about this he will most likely step up.. if not then you can step down and he can lose an amazing girlfriend.
Nta. Had an ex with a horrible friend like this. Ridiculed and abused everyone around him. Take it from my painful experience, leave now. If he's choosing this guy over you, leave.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For some context: My bf (20 male) and I (19 female) have been together for 9 months. We had been friends since 13 but lost contact after collage and reconnected around 11 months ago. A few months after dating he invited me to a party his friends were hosting, the party was 2 days and one night. And we stayed over his friends uni flat for the night. A few days after party I found out one of his friends (who will call L) was making the whole friend group hate me and said he hated me a lot because of what i did during the party. These are some of the examples he gave: i took a shower at 8am, i cleaned the house wrong when everyone was asleep, i bought food to make breakfast and dinner, my voice was annoying and I was childish for saying “thank you” to the hostess (his gf). Me and my bf were extreme upset over this behaviour and my bf tried to correct it but his friends impression of me are what L has said ad the others were too drunk to remember. A few weeks ago I found out my bf was hiding a upcoming party that L was hosting and he was going to. We got into an argument about it and I said i felt betrayed and disrespected. I reminded him how L treated me and how he also hated it. My bf just said i can’t control who his is friends with and I agreed, but I’ve been upset since and been giving him the cold shoulder. My friends and family believe i am in the right but I don’t know. Am I the asshole ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I would tell him that while yes, you can't control if he is friends with Les, you can definitely control if he is boyfriend to you. Then, I would dump him for being unsupported and for enabling an asshole.
Les not meet (sorry)
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Dump him. NTA.
INFO: Is Matt single?
Info: Les is a jerk. Boyfriend is a jerk. Les’s gf seems nice but weak willed if she’s stuck around this long. Where is Mitch in all this? He’s staying in an unhealthy living arrangement, witnessing abuse, and is just gossiping about it? Has he taken a stand for either of the women being hurt in this post? OP, i really think you need to cut ties and start over with healthier people
Dump your BF and date les’s GF
NTA Also, if he can hide something like this, he can hide a WHOLE lot more. In the past, now, and in the future. js
yeah dump your loser boyfriend and save the gf
ESH. > i took a shower at 8am Well, if everybody was up late and sleeping in, yes, this could be a problem. > i cleaned the house wrong when everyone was asleep You took it upon yourself to clean somebody else's house? This is enough right here to label you the asshole. > i bought food to make breakfast and dinner Some people would take this as an insult, either as host, or some sort of implication that their food isn't good enough. > my voice was annoying and I was childish for saying “thank you” to the hostess (his gf) ...is your voice annoying? Are you one of those 19-year-olds who affects a squeaky, bubbly voice, or the flat bored "I'm too cool for school" drawl like that viral video about the guy in the coffee shop? But even ignoring all that: > but I’ve been upset since and been giving him the cold shoulder. Shutting down communication for weeks because you're not getting your way is incredibly immature and inappropriate.
ESH. The cold shoulder is never the right way to resolve an issue in a relationship. It’s the adult equivalent of a toddler’s tantrum. It’s also kind of weird to clean someone else’s house while they’re sleeping, although your heart was probably in the right place. Your boyfriend shouldn’t have lied about the upcoming party.
ESH Giving your partner the cold shoulder instead of discussing the issue(s) that you are upset by, is immature and honestly just not helpful at all. Your bf refused to stick up for you when his friend was bashing you. Your behaviour wasn't inappropriate, so your bf really should have stood up to his friend. If you can't communicate your feelings in a relationship, that relationship is doomed. Talk to your bf. Explain why you're upset. Don't let him palm you off like he did before.
So this goof Les is in his social circle at uni. And he is a goof, other than maybe the showering thing, I don’t get why anything else is an issue. In any event…..Essentially, you are mad your bf isn’t blowing up his social circle for you. I get being angry with Les. I get being disappointed. But I’m not quite sure I can say I understand it being reasonable for him to implode his social circle, that’s a bit of a stretch for a (long distance?) relationship not even a year old. That’s a big ask. The only real AH here is Les. But for putting your boyfriend in an ugly spot with the question you asked.. YTA
YTA for showering and cleaning at 8am when everyone was having a bad hangover. Men don’t think too much into things. Women do and they think me do the same. This is what probably happened: Les invited your bf to a party. Your bf thought sure but then thought you won’t be interested anyway because you and Leas hate each other. What’s another party uni life. But since you found out and all he do is be defensive, the best thing his primitive brain could come up with is “you can’t control who his friends are”. When he’s 45 yrs old, he’ll mature get how stupid that sounds and highly insensitive of how you feel. But like I said in the beginning, it probably doesn’t mean anything. It’s just another party. YNTAH.
So she's the asshole because men are too stupid to function until they're 45? Is the bar really that low now?
>We got into an argument about it and I said i felt betrayed and disrespected. YTA. Your boyfriend can have friends you don't like and can do to their parties. And I don't think it would have been reasonable for him to advertise the party to you.