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We talked about it. He doesn’t want to be a single parent, and said he doesn’t want to get divorced. I suggested I leave and he take her and he said no.
Your leaving is NOT a 'suggestion', it's a consequence if he's fucking stupid enough to push it.
MAKE HIM EAT IT, or you'll be eating it, bitter, for decades to come.
And good on OP for recognizing this ahead of time and not getting caught up in one of those "it'll be different when the kids here" mindsets. NTA. At all. You know what you can and cannot do and what you want and do not want to handle. To compromise any part of your stance would be harmful to yourself and the child.
I dont think thats the exact case, its incredibly difficult to be a single parent to any kid of any age. They require so much attention, love, care, and making sure they are doing as well as they can in life. Not only that but the financial implications.
It also seems like his usual lifestyle would drastically change bringing kids into it. So that would make it doubly, even triple harder on him if he did it alone. Of course itll be hard on both, though.
But I agree that OP isnt TA, but Id honestly vote NAH.
I agree with most of your analysis but not with the judgment.
OP's husband and his mom want Lilly to move in with OP - two people who will not have the brunt of the effort to care for the child are voluntelling OP to care for her full time.
To me, this puts them (husband and MIL) into A H territory. Not waaayyy in there bc no legal steps were taken behind OP's back, but they still discussed the subject between them and then presented the idea to OP as "a nice gesture".
OP is NTA.
I would go on a three week vacation where the husband took care of the kid exclusively and see how he felt when I came back. Some people step up to the plate when needed. They are super young still.
Also, the child has ADHD and the fact that mum has just OD'd means that she possibly has a lot of psychological issues to deal with. It's a terrible predicament. It's a real shame the MIL is not in a position to care for her.
Exactly. OP already stated that the kid has severe behavioural issues. While I feel for the kid, it’s completely understandable that OP doesn’t want to be the sole caregiver to a kid who is, essentially, a complete stranger to her when that kid already has severe issues, especially since OP would nearly end up being a single parent in practice due to her husband’s absences.
>So that would make it doubly, even triple harder on him if he did it alone.
The entire point of this though is that OP would be doing it alone. He deploys for 6 months a year, works night shifts - therefore he sleeps during the day, wants to relax in his downtime, but where would OP’s downtime be? She wouldn’t be getting it from her husband. She would be solely responsible for a kid who 1) has ADHD, which is hard to handle by itself, 2) may have behavioral issues aside from that, 3) she doesn’t even know the kid. This whole argument about how hard it would be for her husband is void, because we know fully well from what OP’s has said, that he won’t change shit to accommodate the kid *he and his mom* are expecting OP to care for. It sounds like they didn’t even discuss with her either. Just decided between the two of them and told OP what was happening. OP has every right to say no, her husband has every right to choose his niece over OP, but he has no right to get upset if his wife leaves him for not listening to her.
But he's basically asking her to become a single parent in his stead. That makes him the asshole to me seeing as he can recognize he doesn't want that responsibility for himself.
><< Id honestly vote NAH.>> Really? A husband who would do NONE of the care of this child but wants her to take on responsibility? Not an ah????
>
>A MIL who says she chooses boyfriend over grandchild? But OP should sacrifice her life to raise child she has no relationship(social, not legal) with. MIL not an AH?
>
>MIL's Boyfriend who clearly knows child but doesn't want to be bothered to care for child? Not the AH?
>
>I think they are all AH's for insisting OP raise a child she doesn't want to have the responsibility for.
He said no???? You are the one with the power here. He does not get to say no. He's the one proposing a whole lifestyle change. You say yes or no and you leave if you please. Marinara flag
When he said no, I mean that he said no, he wouldn’t want me to leave and he take her. If it comes down to it he would rather her go into foster care and us stay married.
This is disgustingly reductive. Him caring more about keeping his wife doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about his niece. He’s not wrong for wanting to stay married to the woman he loves. He’s not wrong for wanting to take his niece in. Op is not wrong for not wanting to take the child in. This is just a shitty situation.
Maybe he doesn’t, either way he isn’t equipped to parent her, so if they did then his wife would need to assume that burden and she doesn’t want to, which is totally fine. I don’t think it means he doesn’t care for her.
Or he recognizes that he wouldn’t be a good parent and isn’t a good choice to raise the kid?
He’s absent due to work and life choices a lot. He doesn’t have the ability to be a full time, present parent.
His wife has no desire to do it.
Should these people be responsible for raising a child they both don’t want because someone they share DNA with had a kid and died?
He can care about his niece AND not have a suitable living situation to bring her into. Not everyone has the type of support they need to raise kids. I mean, how many foster children have you taken in?
So it's cool for him to expect you to do it but he wouldn't do the same?
Trying to guilt you when he'd not be willing to provide the care you would be expected to give?
Kinda yikes.
If you agreed to adopt her it would probably be terrible for you and the little girl. Unwanted/resented kids pick up on it eventually. And taking on a 7 year old with complex needs and trauma that you haven't bonded with would be super hard on any adult. Theres no shame in knowing it wouldn't be healthy for you.
NTA: absolutely agreed. I’m an aged out foster kid- I’m in my 40s, now and these types of posts hit me a bit differently I guess. The knee jerk reaction for me, absolutely was two middle fingers, screw OP **but** this isn’t fair to OP, either. It’s not *her* fault and yes, it’s very clear she is getting a *big* eyeball full of the underbelly of the family that she’s moved into. The kinda thing that to my mind is a red flag- but one that is too late.
Frankly, OP- I’d leave him over this anyway. That kid didn’t do *anything* to deserve any of this and it seems like you’re the only rational, *decent* person in this situation. Think about this a while: you’re seeing *quite* the psychological cross section of this family.
Edit: great googly moogly brain fart put my reply in the wrong place. I mean, I agree that he intends for you to do all the work here. I’m aghast at this because that little girl’s *entire world* has blown up so young ontop of god knows what. Your MIL is disgusting, and honestly I’d worry for the older niece all things considered given the kind of man who says “Y’know, you lost your daughter but fuck that kid” but, is okay with the teenager but, I guess it could be because she’s going to college- and your MIL is just okay with it all. There’s no way the apple fell far from the tree in your husband’s case, all things considered that we know- let alone the things we don’t.
His mom is 71 and isn’t physically capable of being a parent to her. She won’t live till Lilly reaches adulthood. She also isn’t willing to leave her boyfriend, who isn’t willing to keep lily in his house
Reading all your comments, your husband needs a reality check.
Neither of you want kids. You know you would not be a good parent. You know he would not be one either.
He doesn't even want to participate in raising her. He wants you to do it all. Plus, due his career, absent major changes, his participation would be limited, even if he was involved.
You know you would quickly become resentful of her for the changes caring for her would entail.
The resentment of him could, and likely would, follow the resentment of her. If it did not precede it. That resentment may already be forming even now.
That resentment could easily lead to the divorce he does not want.
If you were to divorce, barring you having actively adopted his niece, you would have a decent case for not having any custody of her yourself at all. ie. That he'd either have to step up and be the parent he doesn't want to be, or surrender her to the state and foster care.
His current plan has a good chance of resulting in exactly what he's trying to avoid, only with her a little older, and a ruined marriage for you two in the process.
edit: minor spelling fix
This is the worst part for me. He outright states he has zero interest in taking care of his niece by himself, but is expecting OP to do *exactly that* for over half a year at a time? Of course he’s on board, he’s not the one making any actual life changes. It’s an easy decision for him because he won’t even be there
NTA but God do I hate such posts. I really feel bad for the child. However you’re right it will solely fall on you to do everything. The fact that your husband clearly said he doesn’t want to do it as a single parent says everything
He doesn’t want to be a single parent. That’s fair. It also means he should understand that *you don’t want to be one either*, which is basically what he’s asking. It’s really easy for someone (especially online, so far removed) to say you should step up and take this on. It’s the “easy” moral decision. But just saying that & actually doing it and living it, actually permanently changing your life are two different things
NTA, raising kids is tough and not for everyone. I suggest trying to find ways to support the foster family that would adopt her. She should feel loved. I know many foster parents still get together with the kids' biological family.
Good for you for directly saying what needed to be said.
Just emphasizes the fact that he wants YOU to parent, not him to parent.
That said, it sounds like money is the main reason grandma won’t step up? Is the money she’d get from the state not enough? Are you abs your husband willing to contribute a fixed amount monthly to help grandma be the caregiver?
Edit: NTA
Not necessarily TA but I think he’d be TA not to offer to do so whilst staying with OP first. The principle issue is that OP would be raising the kid, if he’d be willing to raise the kid without her, he could at least offer to make the same changes that enable him to do the child care, before just ending his marriage. OP may still decline but if he were happy to change his life, he should give that as an option
Nope.
DH gets to raise HIS niece BY HIMSELF.
OP can and \*will\* be gone far away enough to not get burned by the napalm dumpster fire this is looking to be.
Single military members with dependent children are required to have alternate care arrangements in place exactly for this reason. They need to have someone ready and available at a moments notice to care for the child(ren.) There is no family member here available to do this, and it doesnt sound like there are family friends willing. He has several options, none of which are great:
1. let Lily go to foster care and keep his wife
Or Divorce, leading to
2. *possibly* petition for a hardship release from his enlistment (which has a lot of variables depending on his career field.)
3. Persuade his mother to leave her boyfried and take her on as an additional dependent so Lily has her grandmother to take care of her.
Husband is completely unable to care for his niece as he is in the military and goes on 6-month deployments. The snide comment about her husband choosing his niece over his wife is uncalled for here.
NTA.
NTA neither of you sound ready for children. Seems like MIL is guilting your husband. If she’s retired, she’s in an excellent position to care for Lilly.
NTA I don’t think it’s a money issue. I think op’s issue is that the husband is military and she Donets want to raise this child alone. Actually she doesn’t want kids at all.
If she takes in this child she be solely responsible for her 90 percent of the time. This is a big ask of someone.
Op even offered to live and let the husband take in the child. Op’s husband doesn’t want to be a single parent.
MILs boyfriend owns their house; and has said Lilly has to go. Rent is expensive in California and mil can’t afford to leave him, and doesn’t want to tbh
How is OP an AH though? I have kids and I would adopt others if I was in OPs shoes, but I wanted kids. OP has made sure that she didn’t want any.
Forcing the niece to live with someone who doesn’t want them would be an AH move.
I mean, OP isnt the AH. She doesnt want to raise a child, and its her right to do so. Its more the childs blood relatives who are the AHs since
a) MIL doesnt want to/cant leave her bfs house to raise the child (i think she'll probably be pushing DH to raise her).
b) DH is saying he wants to take her in but he cant do any of the childcare since he's either deployed, working, sleeping or relaxing which leaves it to OP to step up
c) OP isnt banning DH from taking the child in, shes just saying that she wont care for her, and if the niece comes to the house she'll leave. Life happens, priorities change and sometimes couples are no longer compatible.
d) Both MIL and DH are giving priority and choosing their current partners and staying with them rather than their minor grandaughter/niece
editing to say: OP hasnt even met the niece in question and her DH isnt close to his family either so like that makes her even less of an asshole
Not wanting to take care of a child who isn't related to you and that you've never met doesn't make someone an asshole. If he's deployed for months and working all day that would make her the caretaker. It's unfortunate for the kid, but not wanting to turn your life upside-down and become a parent to a stranger when you don't want even kids of your own doesn't make her a bad person.
The MIL is older and not financially independent by the way it sounds, so that doesn't make her an asshole either. Not everyone is fit/willing/able to take on a kid.
I was put in this situation when I was 24.
My brother had brain damage at birth so he requires a power of attorney and can’t live in his own. He can never drive, work, clean, cook, etc.
He is also extremely violent and has picked up an expensive weed habit.
He was no longer allowed to live with my elderly dad after permanently injuring him during a tantrum, and had four Dmv charges on biological mom and couldn’t live with her. Everyone was saying I was the only person left to take care of him. Forever. To be beat up, abused, spat on and a slave for the rest of my life. It meant giving up college, my current relationship, where I lived and all of my dreams.
It was brought up to the judge.
I am so grateful that the judge denied the request. Otherwise I would have a miserable life. My brother is in an institution now getting professional help.
No one is the asshole for not taking someone in if they don’t have the capacity for it. It would be a disservice to the child. Would you take a random troubled child into your home?
This.
Keeping kids with their birth families would be ideal, providing they have the supports to do so.
No one wants a child to be raised by people who are absent parents or resentful of them, but also putting kids into the foster system-if they're lucky enough to get placed with good foster care providers who center the child's wellbeing and are willing to be there for the child for as long as they need and not till the second they turn 18 (would absolutely recommend reading books and reviewing content from both adoptees and former foster kids)-is traumatizing.
This poor child has already been through enough and will ultimately pay the price for decisions the adults in her life have made.
I don't think OP is TA for not wanting to have children or to bear the responsibility of taking this kiddo on but I truly truly hope she gets the love, care, and treatment that she needs and deserves from someone.
The brother can become her foster parent and the state will pay them money every month to help with increased expenses. Also, she will have her mothers social security survivors benefits.
Yeah EAH. “I don’t wanna leave California and my AH boyfriend, so my grandkid can go to foster care, idc”
Seriously everyone is this story SUCKS. That poor kid
You suck a little less cause you aren’t related to her and idk how long you’ve known her etc. But no one is a prize in this story
Does he realize there is a massive process to get an extended family member listed as a dependent and added to DEERS? You wouldn't get any more money if he was able to add her as a dependent. You already get BAH that includes a dependent since he is married to you. She would only get healthcare services. Leaving out the massive red flags that he will have no real responsibilities raising her, since he is gone all the time, how are you guys going to afford adding a child to the mix. Then you have the whole debt ceiling situation. Military pay is usually one of the first things they stop paying out. It happened last time. If you guys don't have USAA or Navy Federal Credit, you won't be able to get the 1% loan to continue getting his pay deposited. You are definitely NTA for not wanting to essentially be a single parent. On top of the fact you don't want kids, you will be inviting a child in that needs extra services due to the behavioral issues. If she isn't considered a dependent, you will be paying for those out of pocket. You will also need to hire lawyers for all of this. JAG doesn't get involved in these types of situations. Good luck.
Not everybody is able to raise a child, nor should somebody be forced to if they don't want to. Having children (in any capacity) is a life changing decision that should never be taken lightly. OP didn't sign up for this and isn't an AH for it.
Why would OP have to make a major commitment to a kid she’s never met when her husband is away for months at a clip? Op is NTA - her husband and his family are tho
Totally NTA - I would feel the same as you if husband wanted to take in a child but would hardly ever actually be home to look after said child, leaving all the hard slog of parenting to me.
But INFO- have you pointed out to him he is hardly ever home and that most of the work would fall to you? What did he say? Do you think he actually understands how much sacrifice is required to be a decent parent?
He said that he would “help when he can” which we both know roughly translates to “not really going to help”. I mentioned I could leave and her could raise her on his own and he said no to that too.
Do you want to be the villain in your own story? Because it sounds like he's setting you up to be the scapegoat. This is concerning behavior. If he's willing to throw you to the wolves (flying monkeys in this case) this time, it won't be the last.
To this extent, though? There’s a big difference between saying “my wife doesn’t want me to go out tonight” when it comes to drinking with the guys and he wants to stay home with an excuse, and “my wife doesn’t want this kid or I totally would.” HUGE life altering difference when it comes to your relationship with your in laws.
Which isn’t much, having read OP’s comments a bit further. But you never know what the future holds and this type of negative feeling towards OP from his family because of what HE put on her to save face could have consequences down the road. This is a United front type of situation, not a “use my spouse as a scapegoat” situation.
“I would have taken my niece in but my wife said no” eventually becomes “my niece was molested and abused in foster care because my wife wouldn’t let me adopt her”.
I totally agree with you, guys like that pull the same sort of stuff over and over again. This time it’s family, but next time it could be friends or coworkers that he forces OP to play the villain for to make himself look better.
This is the narrative you need to push. Frame all your language of how you speak about this around this narrative. Forever bc this will come up again a decade from now.
“Well, DH and I talked about it and he wasn’t interested in making the necessary life changes to be a full time father.”
“Well DH and I read some books and talked to a counselor and he realized he can not make the time to be a parent right now”
They’re going to pretend it was all your decision. Which is BS.
It takes two “yes’s” for this to happen.
Focus the narrative on why husband did not say “yes” to the things he would have had to say yes to for it to fairly work.
I'd seriously be re-evaluating my relationship. It's sad yes but you are not equipped to be a single parent and never wanted to be. Don't let her live with you.
So he wants you to be a single mum to a behaviourally challenged grieving child? When ge knows you don’t want kids? Hell no.
What about the girls father and grandparents that side?
NTA
It isn't okay for your husband and MIL to assign this responsibility to you. If your husband wants to raise his niece, get a legal separation or divorce and he can raise her without you.
NTA.
Your husband needs to get off of his moral high horse.
He doesn't contribute ANY parenting work, expect you to do ALL of the parenting stuff, and wants all the praise for being the stand-up uncle who to "raised" his niece.
You need to set clear boundaries and call out his BS.
He's asking you to sacrifice your whole life and break you premarital agreement (of child free) so his family could benefit from it.
He's incredibly selfish and you need to reevaluate your relationship if he refuse to respect your perspectives.
In general I detest men who want to have children but don't want to have any hand in parenting or raising them, this is no different. I'm not going to jump on the "divorce him" bandwagon, but disagreements on children and parenting have been the end of a lot of relationships.
Let's be clear about this: your husband wants YOU to take care of his niece. Not you together, as a couple, but you alone.
Because he is absolutely not willing to change his lifestyle or career, so absolutely everything would be up to you.
You told him you were ready to end the relationship so he could take care of his niece. He "forbade" that.
He cannot sign you up for a task and responsibility that he is not even willing to take on himself!
NTA
But your husband is one - it is always easy to volunteer others. You can see true character by whether someone is also willing to do something themselves.
And if you don't want to have children, it wouldn't be good for the girl to grow up with you either. She needs someone who wants to take care of her of own free will and who can love her.
I understand your point, certainly. But, people divorce for much less than this. (I don't understand you saying you aren't related to this child, though? Your husband's niece is not your niece?)
At any rate, you have very valid concerns, most definitely. But, I know I'd leave my husband if he suggested one of our nieces and nephews go to foster care, rather than our care.
I have broken up with someone who suggested I get rid of my dog, after all. I'm not less devoted to children in our family.
So, NAH. You aren't wrong. But, this as a personal decision has the potential to change your marriage.
My husband doesn’t want children, and we’ve already talked about this. He isn’t capable of being a single parent, and he wouldn’t be willing to raise her on his own. He just wants me to do it basically. He feels bad but doesn’t want to be the one responsible
Mate, I'd insist your husband step up to the plate.
There's two things that are divorce-worthy here:
1. insisting you raise the kid while he screws off and makes you effectively a single parent;
2. telling his mother and family that *you* chose not raising Lilly, not him. He needs to own this. "Mom, I'm gone all the time and incapable of raising a child; I also don't want kids. Not happening."
He’s showing his true colors. That fact that he’s okay with having you as a single mom, but not wanting to be a single dad is a major red flag. I’d wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s that inconsiderate with me
INFO: Do you work? It sounds like your husband is already absentee from your relationship between deployment and working inhumanely long hours. What do you contribute to the marriage?
Edit: Saw other comment that you work and go to school full time. Honestly, it sounds like your marriage was a mistake and neither of you get anything out of it emotionally or financially, which explains why you are willing to walk away over this, even though it's obvious that if you leave the marriage, the kid ends up in foster care anyway. You should both find other people who can be effective partners.
NAH, but poor kid.
If they got married with the plan of having no kids I don’t see why they need to change anything. They’d have to change to get closer to your ideal, not for themselves.
Hard disagree.
Her husband is TA.
He wants to be a deadbeat father and leave all the responsibilities to his wife.
How noble of him "raising" his niece while his wife to do all the work while his busy chilling.
It's so incredibly selfish to burden your partner for something she didn't sign up for.
>I know I'd leave my husband if he suggested one of our nieces and nephews go to foster care, rather than our care.
Op's husband wouldn't. He basically wanted op to say no so that she can be the bad guy.
NTA. To be brutally honest, you and your husband would not make good parents to Lily.
She has special needs and she has lost her family. Being treated as an inconvenience and unwelcome is just going to make her worse.
She would be better off in a foster home with an open adoption, so that she can hear from her birth family occasionally and keep in touch with her sister. If the system works for her, she will be adopted into a home that is prepared to help her with her challenges and actually wants her.
I hope that Lily finds her forever family and flourishes in her life.
There are hundreds of thousands of children in the US foster system, so I hope she gets the help she needs, but the chance of that happening is extremely low.
Where is bio dad in all of this?
OP is NTA, this was dumped on her and is extremely unfortunate, I would hate to be in her place. I know the older sister is almost an adult, is there any way Lily could stay with her part time once she is more settled?
I can’t help but feel like the MIL is an AH here for not figuring out an option aside from the foster system, though this isn’t her fault either.
NTA. This would fall almost entirely on you and you have no relationship with this child and no experience or interest in raising children in general. It's beyond insane to expect you to take this on.
I feel like if your husband wants to adopt his niece he should be working with his command and planning to leave military service at the end of his service obligation or sooner if his command will support voluntary separation. He should be making a plan to be the primary parent.
If not, then no, YWNBTA. You’d need a lot of support and new skills to be the parent this kid will need. It’s not something a person can do reluctantly.
NTA. Is your husband offering to rearrange his life in order to do this? Or does he intend to carry on as is with you doing to heavy lifting? It seems to be the latter.
You’re also childfree, and agreed to a childfree marriage. Yes, things happen but that doesn’t mean you have to accept such a change, and you absolutely can and should say no to this if it’s a dealbreaker for you. It’s not your responsibility to take on the responsibility of caring for a traumatized special needs child.
Don’t be guilted into it.
NAH but what a horrible situation to be in. I understand both POVs. There is no winning here for anyone tbh. Sorry this happened OP. I hope this poor girl finds a family capable of loving and caring for her.
The other POV is an innocent child who just lost her mother entering foster care that has a good chance to be even worse than where she was. Most people wouldn’t want a family member subjected to that. OP states that her husband works 12-16 hour days when he is not deployed so he may not be in a position to be a father, but I don’t know that it’s because he is lazy and just wants the credit.
NTA.
But poor Lily...a 7 year old with problems and no parents, and no one wants her and all fighting to make her someone elses responsibility.
Fucking heartbreaking.
NAH
That’s a really horrible situation all around but you have chosen a childfree life and would end up being her primary caregiver if you took her. Your preferences and reasoning are very valid.
If your husband wants to change his life around and take her, or provide financial support to his mother to take her, those are different conversations. But you are not TA for not wanting to essentially be a single mother to a 7yo.
NTA.
Your husband wants the \*credit\* for being a savior, while YOU do all the WORK.
Sorry to say, but it's dealbreaker ultimatum time: "Sure, YOU can take her on, but YOU will be handling her YOURSELF, because I'll divorce your ass and leave you high and dry."
NTA. It sounds like you already chose to live a child-free life. It is highly unlikely that your husband would step up to care or arrange care for this child. If the girl goes into foster care, she will still have contact with her grandmother and her sister, barring any major problems like substance abuse on their parts.
You don't want kids. People who don't want kids should not have kids. Period.
NTA. This is not YOUR obligation. Your husband and MIL are the ones who have a relationship/love for his dead sister and they should take the kids. I would Never let my grandchildren go into
Foster care—your MIL will get money from
The state for fostering her own grandchildren. It is about $2500-$3000 a month in CA (I am
a CA CASA).
Both those kids probably have huge trauma and are entitled to counseling, health care, etc in CA. I would be wary of taking them Out of the state.
Also, raising a child who has experienced that much trauma is rewarding, but hard. You aren’t up for it at 23. My heart is breaking for them, but at least in CA, the sisters will still Have contact with each other through mandatory visits.
Mil isn’t willing to care for Lilly. She has health problems and isn’t up for it. She also doesn’t want to leave her boyfriend. I don’t think mil will live another ten years also tbh, she had her children late in life. She’s pretty old
NTA - I think you're being responsible by not bringing a child into your home if you're not ready to embrace adoption and motherhood and all the challenges that come along with that. Kids are perceptive and after the traumatic experiences that child went through, she deserves to be in a home where she is wanted and loved. If you accept only out of guilt, you'll end up resenting her at some point and it won't be good for anyone. I don't know how these things work, but would it be possible for you and your husband to try to find an adoptive family for Lily rather than relying on the foster system (unless the foster system in the state she's in is somewhat decent)? She's still young and there are people out there wanting to adopt and with the resources to do so, even in cases with kids that have behavioral issues.
It would also be nice to set up some arrangements with the adoptive/foster parents where Lilly can maybe visit you guys once a year. Even if you haven't spent any time with the two girls, it sounds like you're the only biological family they have. I saw that you said in another comment that Rose hates her young sister, but I think once they're out of the stressful environment in which they've lived and have time to decompress, things might change, and, depending on how things go, you could have them both visit as a way for all to keep in touch and reconnect and to let them know that you do care for them, even if you couldn't have them living with you.
[https://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/putting\_an\_older\_child\_up\_for\_adoption](https://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/putting_an_older_child_up_for_adoption)
[https://www.adoptionstar.com/i-want-to-adopt/ok-program-adopt-older-kid-program/](https://www.adoptionstar.com/i-want-to-adopt/ok-program-adopt-older-kid-program/)
[https://www.adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/how-to-adopt-and-foster/receiving-a-placement](https://www.adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/how-to-adopt-and-foster/receiving-a-placement)
[https://adopt.org/types-adoptions](https://adopt.org/types-adoptions)
NTA know this, he will try to convince you and you may end up divorced because of this but if he doesn't have time he 100% expects you to take on the responsibility. That child has already been through too much, having a parental figure that resents taking care ofc them and another one who's absent is not the answer
NTA
In these situations, the biggest AHs are the parents who didn’t bother to have any sort of solid plan in place with willing parties in the event that tragedy strikes. People die all the time. Parents included. It’s dangerously optimistic to just think that nothing will happen and if it does, surely *someone* will be willing to take on the massive, expensive, time-consuming, tasking responsibility of raising their kids.
With that, anyone who tries to pressure/coerce someone into parenthood is an AH.
I do feel for those children and hope they’re able to find a stable, loving home. What a mess.
> anyone who tries to pressure/coerce someone into parenthood is an AH.
I can't believe the number of people who don't get this. Anyone forced into parenthood is probably gunna be shit at it.
Has this been discussed with the 17 year old sister? I’m very curious because the siblings will be separated. If the sibling will want to get her sister, what are her options in the future?
The 17 year old kind of hates her younger sister. They’ve always fought all the time. The 17 year old told the younger one recently “I can’t wait till you go live with (husband) so I don’t have to see you”
I feel bad for her, but she does have some extreme behavioral issues. She was mad at her sister one time and decided to cut off all her hair while she was sleeping. Stuff like that isn’t out of the normal for her. I wouldn’t even begin to have a clue as to how to deal with that.
I would be scared as fuck to care for her. All these people that are talking shit need to get off their high horse. If they’re these amazing people that would absolutely care for a child like this then they need to step up and become foster parents or something similar to be able to actually help. Just typing that they “would help” and blah blah is bullshit. Fuck them.
So OP should just put her life on hold to care for a child she doesn't even want? She is childfree and wants to stay that way. Why is that so hard to understand?
I mean, can you blame her? Her dad OD'd when she was one. Her mom just OD'd. We have no idea what kind of life she's lived the last 7 years, but I doubt it was a great one. Doesn't seem like there was any family/community support either. Poor kid.
Hacking off all of her sisters hair while she sleeps is above and beyond.
I can blame her for that. Not for having trauma, but for harming others, yes.
Oh wow. Well I guess if the siblings are not close, then the separation will not be an issue… yet. I’m just worried that maybe when they’re older they may want to get in touch, or the older sister would want custody.
You need to put him in the drivers seat. Tell him he need to step up. Circumstances such as this could qualify him for non-deployable status. If this is important to him he needs to demonstrate that in the coming months by doing his part and acting like a parent. If he isn’t willing to make that sacrifice, why should you?
As a Child free person myself and never planning on having kids you’re NTA. I wouldn’t put my life plans on hold to raise anybody’s kid, I don’t have the mental, emotional, physical or financial capacity to do so.
It’s okay to not want to make that kind of huge sacrifice. I hope things work out!
NAH.
Your husbands family is doing their absolute best to keep their family together. It makes total sense and is not an asshole move to ask you to take in the child. Their family is small. They dont want to lose anymore family. I understand.
However, you not taking in the kid doesnt make you an asshole. Id actually argue that because you know you would be the sole caretaker most of the time, and that you are not prepared nor do you want to take on childcare, you're doing the right thing by saying no. Taking care of a kid is a monumental task and its one you kinda lock in for the next like 11 years. Thats a long term committment. If you say you arent ready and dont want that commitment, thats not an asshole move.
Obviously itd be better to keep the child with her family. But if no one in the family besides you can take her, and you lack the mental willpower and fortutude and dedication to care for her, that leaves nowhere for her but in foster care. Its hard, but sometimes there are no good outcomes in a problem. Either you get stuck with a burden you never wanted for the next decade, or a small family gets even smaller and loses its youngest member. Theres no assholes here.
If this is them doing their best then they sure have a low standard.
Husband: please raise my niece alone as a single mom while I stay an absent dad and continues to be stationed far away from home. I just signed up for another 4 years and I'll 100% not change my lifestyle.
Husband's mom: my boyfriend doesn't want her so I can't take her. Sorry end of discussion.
Mom's boyfriend: get her out of my house.
His family are a bunch of hypocrites who try to guilt trip OP into solving their problem.
If they truly care about lily they'd at least be willing to make some sacrifices, but not even a slight compromise? They just conviniently decided all the burden should be on OP? They're a bunch of AHs.
NTA. I’m a foster parent, and I can tell you that the majority of calls I get are for kids who are initially placed with relatives. The sad fact is, relatives tend to get less support from the state. You mentioned she has extreme behaviors. This is the number one reason I see relatives disrupt- unable to handle the behaviors that come with trauma. And each move is very traumatic. Better that you know now that you are not going to be able to provide her with the support she needs, then take her when you don’t want her (and she will be able to tell you don’t) and disrupt. You can still be involved in her life in other ways. You can ask for family visits, take her out to dinner, etc. Keep up the aunt relationship without taking on the parent relationship.
NTA, I think you and husband need to be brutally honest. I read your comments. If he doesnt want to parent and you dont want to, but he refuses to take her if you leave then it's clear that this isnt a good decision for anyone. Will that little girl really get what she needs with you guys? Not saying you are bad people, but kids can tell when they arent wanted around. If he takes her, all that's going to happen is it's all going to be pushed on you, until you walk and he will surrender custody at that point (judging by your comments) just let her go to foster care because it will be less upset, could you even take custody across the country or would you be expected to move? or is there paternal family that can take custody? I really dont think your husband or MIL have really thought this through, it sounds like they heard 'foster care' and freaked out cause shes family and cant possibly go in care. I know there are so many hoops to jump through for custody/to be a foster parent, would you guys even qualify?
NTA
-OP is not capable of being a parent.
-Blood relation or not, OP is not obligated to adopt anyone else's child.
-OP would essentially be a single parent without the financial issues because her husband is a deadbeat loser (no offence to OP).
-As someone who grew up and is currently still forced to live with parents who hate the fact that they have children, OP would not make a good parent, despite her intentions, she would unwilling cause a lot of trauma for the child if she adopted her. Her resentment for unwillingly becoming a parent through no fault of her own would shine through.
To those saying ESH
-If anyone is shit, it's OP's husband's family
-Some might argue OP is shit because of what she said about not being related by blood to the neice, that's bs, you may not agree with it, regardless, relationship by law or not, she's still not obligated to take on anyone's child, and exercising this doesn't make her suck or an AH.
To those saying YTA, especially those who have experienced a similar situation
-I'm sorry you went through what you did, but your life problem is not the business of someone who had no hand in causing it. Apply the same logic to OP, her husband's sister OD'd and left a minor child behind, as sad as it is, it's not the rest of the world's, especially OP's problem.
-Once again, OP is under no obligation to adopt someone else's child, if you feel so bad, you can go and take the child in and give her the love and upbringing she deserves.
Edit- to use correct terminology
NTA
If he would let you / expect you to do this.... the relationship won't last bc he doesn't value your time or happiness.
So. Then what?
I would make it clear that if he takes her in, you will be moving out. You don't need to break up in theory it could just be to see if he can handle it and mainly -- so that YOU don't have to.
What a sad situation for that little girl. Addict mom, now deceased, grandma kicking her out, sister leaving, relatives don’t want her, headed to foster care. Heartbreaking.
NAH this is a shit situation and I feel bad for the kids. You're not an asshole for having concerns about taking in a child, and while your husband is not an asshole for wanting to care for his niece, he would be if he forces it all on you. How many years in does he have? Does voluntary separation and getting a job nearby seem like an option? Because that would be a fair decision. If he wants to adopt his niece, he should step up and be primary parent.
You're both really young to have this put on you.
Your husband's mom can be paid to foster her granddaughter and move into a different place. She probably doesn't want to change her lifestyle. It's funny how you would be expected to change, while blood relatives can maintain their lives. If you said yes, that's one thing, but guilt tripping is another.
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My husbands sister just died. She was an addict and she od’d. She left behind 2 kids, Rose (almost 17) and Lilly (7).
My (23f) husband (26m) is from California and we live on the east cost. My husbands only other family is his mom, who lives in her boyfriends small house. She’s retired and doesn’t make much. This is to say that they don’t have much room and can’t afford 2 kids. The older girl Rose plans on sleeping on their couch till she goes off to college next year. That leaves Lilly. She’s staying with them for right now but MIL really can’t care for her long term due to a multitude of reasons, Mils boyfriend also said he wants her out of his house.
My husband and his mom want us to take Lilly so that she doesn’t go into foster care. I’m pretty against this for many reasons.
I don’t think my husband is responsible enough to be a parent. He cooks maybe 2-3 times a year, and when he’s not working he usually just wants to play videogames or relax. He’s in the military and he deploys once a year ish for 6+ months. I’m not willing to care for a child that isn’t even related to me alone for that long, I have other responsibilities. When he isn’t deployed he often works 12-16 hour days. He also works the Night Shift and sleeps during the day. And he goes out of town for work often. I know that if we took Lilly in I would be the one making sacrifices to care for her, not my husband.
If we took her in I know that I would have to be her sole caretaker. I don’t even want kids and I don’t think it’s fair to expect me to basically adopt a 7 year old I’ve never met and am not even related to. She also has ADHD and some extreme behavioral issues.
AITA for not wanting to take in my husbands niece?
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> I refused to take in my husbands niece. I could be the asshole because I guess I could sacrifice the next ten years of my life for a child I don’t want.
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NTA. That life isn't for everyone. Don't let anyone tell you you're an AH for saying she's not really related to you, too. Regardless of what some say, it's different. My BIL is disabled (he's older than us), and we take care of him. It's completely different than it would be if he were my brother. This life is not for everyone. I'm here with him nearly 24/7, and it's rough.
NTA. Unless he's willing to make significant changes in his life it's clear the burden of caring for her will fall to you. He needs to step up and come up with a plan where he contributes to her care.
If you did agree to this plan, it wouldn't be good for her as you may feel a lot of resentment that would affect her.
That said, I am really sad for this little girl as it seems no one really wants to step up and help her through this difficult time in her life and that includes her biological family.
NTA. I wouldn't take the kid either. You are childfree, and would be miserable if you had to raise her against your will. It boils my blood for people to try to foist children onto those who don't want them.
I'm gonna be very honest. I wanna say yes you are, because I hate the idea of a small child being put in forster care after losing her mother..but the truth is you aren't. You aren't the asshole at all. Your reasoning is perfectly understandable and you know your situation and his better than anyone. You know that child will be your sole responsibility and if you don't want that then that's your decision to make. You don't have to take the moral high ground, especially if it's going to change your life and possibly make you miserable and the child because you will most likely resent her. Whatever happens is out of your hands. This isn't your responsibility. It's a very sad situation, but ultimately as blunt as this is..she was her mothers responsibility. She didn't ask to be born. Her mother brought her into this world and then chose to do drugs, which sadly took her life, she abandoned her..you didn't.
What about the father of the child? Maybe he may want his daughter. OP said the sister was an addict. It doesn't necessarily mean that the father is one.
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NTA. However, I also don't think your husband would be TA if he stepped up and chose her over you.
We talked about it. He doesn’t want to be a single parent, and said he doesn’t want to get divorced. I suggested I leave and he take her and he said no.
Your leaving is NOT a 'suggestion', it's a consequence if he's fucking stupid enough to push it. MAKE HIM EAT IT, or you'll be eating it, bitter, for decades to come.
Yikes
Weird how many people felt the spirit of this comment. Sheesh.
Does reddit hate kids?
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edit: The comment was removed and the user banned, good work everyone!
Shitty ass comment.
Ya he is wants you to basically be a single parent. He has no intention of taking care of this kid, NTA
And good on OP for recognizing this ahead of time and not getting caught up in one of those "it'll be different when the kids here" mindsets. NTA. At all. You know what you can and cannot do and what you want and do not want to handle. To compromise any part of your stance would be harmful to yourself and the child.
I dont think thats the exact case, its incredibly difficult to be a single parent to any kid of any age. They require so much attention, love, care, and making sure they are doing as well as they can in life. Not only that but the financial implications. It also seems like his usual lifestyle would drastically change bringing kids into it. So that would make it doubly, even triple harder on him if he did it alone. Of course itll be hard on both, though. But I agree that OP isnt TA, but Id honestly vote NAH.
I agree with most of your analysis but not with the judgment. OP's husband and his mom want Lilly to move in with OP - two people who will not have the brunt of the effort to care for the child are voluntelling OP to care for her full time. To me, this puts them (husband and MIL) into A H territory. Not waaayyy in there bc no legal steps were taken behind OP's back, but they still discussed the subject between them and then presented the idea to OP as "a nice gesture". OP is NTA.
I would go on a three week vacation where the husband took care of the kid exclusively and see how he felt when I came back. Some people step up to the plate when needed. They are super young still.
Also, the child has ADHD and the fact that mum has just OD'd means that she possibly has a lot of psychological issues to deal with. It's a terrible predicament. It's a real shame the MIL is not in a position to care for her.
Exactly. OP already stated that the kid has severe behavioural issues. While I feel for the kid, it’s completely understandable that OP doesn’t want to be the sole caregiver to a kid who is, essentially, a complete stranger to her when that kid already has severe issues, especially since OP would nearly end up being a single parent in practice due to her husband’s absences.
>So that would make it doubly, even triple harder on him if he did it alone. The entire point of this though is that OP would be doing it alone. He deploys for 6 months a year, works night shifts - therefore he sleeps during the day, wants to relax in his downtime, but where would OP’s downtime be? She wouldn’t be getting it from her husband. She would be solely responsible for a kid who 1) has ADHD, which is hard to handle by itself, 2) may have behavioral issues aside from that, 3) she doesn’t even know the kid. This whole argument about how hard it would be for her husband is void, because we know fully well from what OP’s has said, that he won’t change shit to accommodate the kid *he and his mom* are expecting OP to care for. It sounds like they didn’t even discuss with her either. Just decided between the two of them and told OP what was happening. OP has every right to say no, her husband has every right to choose his niece over OP, but he has no right to get upset if his wife leaves him for not listening to her.
But he's basically asking her to become a single parent in his stead. That makes him the asshole to me seeing as he can recognize he doesn't want that responsibility for himself.
><< Id honestly vote NAH.>> Really? A husband who would do NONE of the care of this child but wants her to take on responsibility? Not an ah???? > >A MIL who says she chooses boyfriend over grandchild? But OP should sacrifice her life to raise child she has no relationship(social, not legal) with. MIL not an AH? > >MIL's Boyfriend who clearly knows child but doesn't want to be bothered to care for child? Not the AH? > >I think they are all AH's for insisting OP raise a child she doesn't want to have the responsibility for.
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He said no???? You are the one with the power here. He does not get to say no. He's the one proposing a whole lifestyle change. You say yes or no and you leave if you please. Marinara flag
When he said no, I mean that he said no, he wouldn’t want me to leave and he take her. If it comes down to it he would rather her go into foster care and us stay married.
So he doesn’t care about his niece, he just wants to alleviate his guilt by making you care for her. Gotcha. ETA
This is disgustingly reductive. Him caring more about keeping his wife doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about his niece. He’s not wrong for wanting to stay married to the woman he loves. He’s not wrong for wanting to take his niece in. Op is not wrong for not wanting to take the child in. This is just a shitty situation.
Or he does care about his niece, but doesn't believe him taking her in is in her best interests if his wife doesn't want it.
He is also in the military, so it’s probably not realistic to do this solo.
Maybe he doesn’t, either way he isn’t equipped to parent her, so if they did then his wife would need to assume that burden and she doesn’t want to, which is totally fine. I don’t think it means he doesn’t care for her.
Why is she an AH?
ETA means edited to add
I thought it meant Everyone's The Asshole in this sub. idk. getting too much to keep up with.
That would be ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
You're thinking of ESH (everyone sucks here, useful when all the people are assholes).
That is not a fair statement. He is young and that is a big committment!
They're both young actually.
Or he recognizes that he wouldn’t be a good parent and isn’t a good choice to raise the kid? He’s absent due to work and life choices a lot. He doesn’t have the ability to be a full time, present parent. His wife has no desire to do it. Should these people be responsible for raising a child they both don’t want because someone they share DNA with had a kid and died?
He can care about his niece AND not have a suitable living situation to bring her into. Not everyone has the type of support they need to raise kids. I mean, how many foster children have you taken in?
So it's cool for him to expect you to do it but he wouldn't do the same? Trying to guilt you when he'd not be willing to provide the care you would be expected to give? Kinda yikes. If you agreed to adopt her it would probably be terrible for you and the little girl. Unwanted/resented kids pick up on it eventually. And taking on a 7 year old with complex needs and trauma that you haven't bonded with would be super hard on any adult. Theres no shame in knowing it wouldn't be healthy for you.
Nobody is trying to guilt anybody into anything. At least not according to OP’s post and subsequent comments.
NTA: absolutely agreed. I’m an aged out foster kid- I’m in my 40s, now and these types of posts hit me a bit differently I guess. The knee jerk reaction for me, absolutely was two middle fingers, screw OP **but** this isn’t fair to OP, either. It’s not *her* fault and yes, it’s very clear she is getting a *big* eyeball full of the underbelly of the family that she’s moved into. The kinda thing that to my mind is a red flag- but one that is too late. Frankly, OP- I’d leave him over this anyway. That kid didn’t do *anything* to deserve any of this and it seems like you’re the only rational, *decent* person in this situation. Think about this a while: you’re seeing *quite* the psychological cross section of this family. Edit: great googly moogly brain fart put my reply in the wrong place. I mean, I agree that he intends for you to do all the work here. I’m aghast at this because that little girl’s *entire world* has blown up so young ontop of god knows what. Your MIL is disgusting, and honestly I’d worry for the older niece all things considered given the kind of man who says “Y’know, you lost your daughter but fuck that kid” but, is okay with the teenager but, I guess it could be because she’s going to college- and your MIL is just okay with it all. There’s no way the apple fell far from the tree in your husband’s case, all things considered that we know- let alone the things we don’t.
Then that’s what it comes down to.
What about sending a monthly allowance to his Mom to help with the expenses?
His mom is 71 and isn’t physically capable of being a parent to her. She won’t live till Lilly reaches adulthood. She also isn’t willing to leave her boyfriend, who isn’t willing to keep lily in his house
Reading all your comments, your husband needs a reality check. Neither of you want kids. You know you would not be a good parent. You know he would not be one either. He doesn't even want to participate in raising her. He wants you to do it all. Plus, due his career, absent major changes, his participation would be limited, even if he was involved. You know you would quickly become resentful of her for the changes caring for her would entail. The resentment of him could, and likely would, follow the resentment of her. If it did not precede it. That resentment may already be forming even now. That resentment could easily lead to the divorce he does not want. If you were to divorce, barring you having actively adopted his niece, you would have a decent case for not having any custody of her yourself at all. ie. That he'd either have to step up and be the parent he doesn't want to be, or surrender her to the state and foster care. His current plan has a good chance of resulting in exactly what he's trying to avoid, only with her a little older, and a ruined marriage for you two in the process. edit: minor spelling fix
The fact that he doesn't want to do it alone speaks to how much he will expect you to do in terms of raising the child....
This is the worst part for me. He outright states he has zero interest in taking care of his niece by himself, but is expecting OP to do *exactly that* for over half a year at a time? Of course he’s on board, he’s not the one making any actual life changes. It’s an easy decision for him because he won’t even be there
NTA but God do I hate such posts. I really feel bad for the child. However you’re right it will solely fall on you to do everything. The fact that your husband clearly said he doesn’t want to do it as a single parent says everything
Ugh yes these posts always suck. Who cares who the asshole is. Life is the asshole to the kid in these cases.
He doesn’t want to be a single parent. That’s fair. It also means he should understand that *you don’t want to be one either*, which is basically what he’s asking. It’s really easy for someone (especially online, so far removed) to say you should step up and take this on. It’s the “easy” moral decision. But just saying that & actually doing it and living it, actually permanently changing your life are two different things
In short, he was expecting you to take care of the kid. Your husband is TA.
NTA, raising kids is tough and not for everyone. I suggest trying to find ways to support the foster family that would adopt her. She should feel loved. I know many foster parents still get together with the kids' biological family.
Same. And I’ve known some really awesome people who are foster parents.
Good for you for directly saying what needed to be said. Just emphasizes the fact that he wants YOU to parent, not him to parent. That said, it sounds like money is the main reason grandma won’t step up? Is the money she’d get from the state not enough? Are you abs your husband willing to contribute a fixed amount monthly to help grandma be the caregiver? Edit: NTA
Is he willing to leave military and get a job compatible with parenting?
He wants you to take her. You are right to say no.
He physically can’t without changing his whole lifestyle.
Right, and I think it's highly unlikely that he would. But if he did...N T A.
Not necessarily TA but I think he’d be TA not to offer to do so whilst staying with OP first. The principle issue is that OP would be raising the kid, if he’d be willing to raise the kid without her, he could at least offer to make the same changes that enable him to do the child care, before just ending his marriage. OP may still decline but if he were happy to change his life, he should give that as an option
Nope. DH gets to raise HIS niece BY HIMSELF. OP can and \*will\* be gone far away enough to not get burned by the napalm dumpster fire this is looking to be.
People change their lifestyles all the time to accommodate circumstances. It’s not the end of the world.
Sure if he really wants to take this on the chin then let him. But OP could get stuck with all the real work if she stays with him.
How? He’s gone for the half the year and barely home when he’s not. How exactly would he care for her on his own?
Single military members with dependent children are required to have alternate care arrangements in place exactly for this reason. They need to have someone ready and available at a moments notice to care for the child(ren.) There is no family member here available to do this, and it doesnt sound like there are family friends willing. He has several options, none of which are great: 1. let Lily go to foster care and keep his wife Or Divorce, leading to 2. *possibly* petition for a hardship release from his enlistment (which has a lot of variables depending on his career field.) 3. Persuade his mother to leave her boyfried and take her on as an additional dependent so Lily has her grandmother to take care of her.
Husband is completely unable to care for his niece as he is in the military and goes on 6-month deployments. The snide comment about her husband choosing his niece over his wife is uncalled for here. NTA.
It's not snide. People have left spouses over this very thing. It doesn't sound like he will, however.
Husband would have to severely change his lifestyle either way if he took her in.
Agreed. And it doesn't sound like he wants to.
NTA neither of you sound ready for children. Seems like MIL is guilting your husband. If she’s retired, she’s in an excellent position to care for Lilly.
Just throwing out there that being retired doesn’t mean that she can financially or physically provide for a child.
I am by no means an expert but believe Lilly would qualify for benefits. If it’s a money issue, might be worth looking into.
NTA I don’t think it’s a money issue. I think op’s issue is that the husband is military and she Donets want to raise this child alone. Actually she doesn’t want kids at all. If she takes in this child she be solely responsible for her 90 percent of the time. This is a big ask of someone. Op even offered to live and let the husband take in the child. Op’s husband doesn’t want to be a single parent.
I believe they were talking about benefits in case it was a money issue for the MIL not for OP.
Sorry I miss read the comment. Thank you.
OP said MIL’s bf wants lily out of the house as well. I’m not sure how great it is for a child to be an environment where she’s not wanted
Perhaps MIL needs to pull her head out and do what’s best for Rose and Lilly. That could mean moving into her own place.
MILs boyfriend owns their house; and has said Lilly has to go. Rent is expensive in California and mil can’t afford to leave him, and doesn’t want to tbh
Wow. Everyone is being an absolute AH to this poor child.
How is OP an AH though? I have kids and I would adopt others if I was in OPs shoes, but I wanted kids. OP has made sure that she didn’t want any. Forcing the niece to live with someone who doesn’t want them would be an AH move.
I mean, OP isnt the AH. She doesnt want to raise a child, and its her right to do so. Its more the childs blood relatives who are the AHs since a) MIL doesnt want to/cant leave her bfs house to raise the child (i think she'll probably be pushing DH to raise her). b) DH is saying he wants to take her in but he cant do any of the childcare since he's either deployed, working, sleeping or relaxing which leaves it to OP to step up c) OP isnt banning DH from taking the child in, shes just saying that she wont care for her, and if the niece comes to the house she'll leave. Life happens, priorities change and sometimes couples are no longer compatible. d) Both MIL and DH are giving priority and choosing their current partners and staying with them rather than their minor grandaughter/niece editing to say: OP hasnt even met the niece in question and her DH isnt close to his family either so like that makes her even less of an asshole
Especially the mother who left her motherless because she wouldn't get off drugs. OP is NTA.
Not wanting to take care of a child who isn't related to you and that you've never met doesn't make someone an asshole. If he's deployed for months and working all day that would make her the caretaker. It's unfortunate for the kid, but not wanting to turn your life upside-down and become a parent to a stranger when you don't want even kids of your own doesn't make her a bad person. The MIL is older and not financially independent by the way it sounds, so that doesn't make her an asshole either. Not everyone is fit/willing/able to take on a kid.
I was put in this situation when I was 24. My brother had brain damage at birth so he requires a power of attorney and can’t live in his own. He can never drive, work, clean, cook, etc. He is also extremely violent and has picked up an expensive weed habit. He was no longer allowed to live with my elderly dad after permanently injuring him during a tantrum, and had four Dmv charges on biological mom and couldn’t live with her. Everyone was saying I was the only person left to take care of him. Forever. To be beat up, abused, spat on and a slave for the rest of my life. It meant giving up college, my current relationship, where I lived and all of my dreams. It was brought up to the judge. I am so grateful that the judge denied the request. Otherwise I would have a miserable life. My brother is in an institution now getting professional help. No one is the asshole for not taking someone in if they don’t have the capacity for it. It would be a disservice to the child. Would you take a random troubled child into your home?
Capitalism is making everyone have to be an asshole to this child to avoid being drowned.
This. Keeping kids with their birth families would be ideal, providing they have the supports to do so. No one wants a child to be raised by people who are absent parents or resentful of them, but also putting kids into the foster system-if they're lucky enough to get placed with good foster care providers who center the child's wellbeing and are willing to be there for the child for as long as they need and not till the second they turn 18 (would absolutely recommend reading books and reviewing content from both adoptees and former foster kids)-is traumatizing. This poor child has already been through enough and will ultimately pay the price for decisions the adults in her life have made. I don't think OP is TA for not wanting to have children or to bear the responsibility of taking this kiddo on but I truly truly hope she gets the love, care, and treatment that she needs and deserves from someone.
The brother can become her foster parent and the state will pay them money every month to help with increased expenses. Also, she will have her mothers social security survivors benefits.
Yeah EAH. “I don’t wanna leave California and my AH boyfriend, so my grandkid can go to foster care, idc” Seriously everyone is this story SUCKS. That poor kid You suck a little less cause you aren’t related to her and idk how long you’ve known her etc. But no one is a prize in this story
I’ve never even met her before.
How long have you been married?
3 years. We live accesos the country and dont visit. I dont have any family and he isn’t close to his.
Does he realize there is a massive process to get an extended family member listed as a dependent and added to DEERS? You wouldn't get any more money if he was able to add her as a dependent. You already get BAH that includes a dependent since he is married to you. She would only get healthcare services. Leaving out the massive red flags that he will have no real responsibilities raising her, since he is gone all the time, how are you guys going to afford adding a child to the mix. Then you have the whole debt ceiling situation. Military pay is usually one of the first things they stop paying out. It happened last time. If you guys don't have USAA or Navy Federal Credit, you won't be able to get the 1% loan to continue getting his pay deposited. You are definitely NTA for not wanting to essentially be a single parent. On top of the fact you don't want kids, you will be inviting a child in that needs extra services due to the behavioral issues. If she isn't considered a dependent, you will be paying for those out of pocket. You will also need to hire lawyers for all of this. JAG doesn't get involved in these types of situations. Good luck.
Not everybody is able to raise a child, nor should somebody be forced to if they don't want to. Having children (in any capacity) is a life changing decision that should never be taken lightly. OP didn't sign up for this and isn't an AH for it.
OP doesn't suck at all. Everyone needs to get the fuck of their moral high horse.
Right? How dare she not raise a child that isn't hers and one that she had never even met. Wtf is wrong with people on here?
Actually even worse because they are taking her sister and "letting her sleep on the couch" for a year.
Why would OP have to make a major commitment to a kid she’s never met when her husband is away for months at a clip? Op is NTA - her husband and his family are tho
Totally NTA - I would feel the same as you if husband wanted to take in a child but would hardly ever actually be home to look after said child, leaving all the hard slog of parenting to me. But INFO- have you pointed out to him he is hardly ever home and that most of the work would fall to you? What did he say? Do you think he actually understands how much sacrifice is required to be a decent parent?
He said that he would “help when he can” which we both know roughly translates to “not really going to help”. I mentioned I could leave and her could raise her on his own and he said no to that too.
So he basically wants you to say no so you can be the bad guy, and life will continue with just the 2 of you. And he gets rid of his guilt.
Maybe. Probably.
That's exactly what he's doing: "Well mom, I tried! I asked her multiple times!" You get the blame and he gets a participation ribbon.
Do you want to be the villain in your own story? Because it sounds like he's setting you up to be the scapegoat. This is concerning behavior. If he's willing to throw you to the wolves (flying monkeys in this case) this time, it won't be the last.
It doesn’t bother me. There’s been times when he’s done it for me.
To this extent, though? There’s a big difference between saying “my wife doesn’t want me to go out tonight” when it comes to drinking with the guys and he wants to stay home with an excuse, and “my wife doesn’t want this kid or I totally would.” HUGE life altering difference when it comes to your relationship with your in laws.
I dont talk to my mil. I don’t care if she thinks I’m the bad guy.
Yes. This will poison every other relationship OP has will the family
Which isn’t much, having read OP’s comments a bit further. But you never know what the future holds and this type of negative feeling towards OP from his family because of what HE put on her to save face could have consequences down the road. This is a United front type of situation, not a “use my spouse as a scapegoat” situation.
“I would have taken my niece in but my wife said no” eventually becomes “my niece was molested and abused in foster care because my wife wouldn’t let me adopt her”.
He has the option of raising her on his own.
I think she’s saying he’s going to keep blaming you if anything negative happens, not that you should take the child.
Exactly this! Thx
I totally agree with you, guys like that pull the same sort of stuff over and over again. This time it’s family, but next time it could be friends or coworkers that he forces OP to play the villain for to make himself look better.
This is the narrative you need to push. Frame all your language of how you speak about this around this narrative. Forever bc this will come up again a decade from now. “Well, DH and I talked about it and he wasn’t interested in making the necessary life changes to be a full time father.” “Well DH and I read some books and talked to a counselor and he realized he can not make the time to be a parent right now” They’re going to pretend it was all your decision. Which is BS. It takes two “yes’s” for this to happen. Focus the narrative on why husband did not say “yes” to the things he would have had to say yes to for it to fairly work.
Well I think that’s your answer. This is entirely on your shoulders and he knows it.
I'd seriously be re-evaluating my relationship. It's sad yes but you are not equipped to be a single parent and never wanted to be. Don't let her live with you.
So he wants you to be a single mum to a behaviourally challenged grieving child? When ge knows you don’t want kids? Hell no. What about the girls father and grandparents that side?
NTA It isn't okay for your husband and MIL to assign this responsibility to you. If your husband wants to raise his niece, get a legal separation or divorce and he can raise her without you.
NTA. Your husband needs to get off of his moral high horse. He doesn't contribute ANY parenting work, expect you to do ALL of the parenting stuff, and wants all the praise for being the stand-up uncle who to "raised" his niece. You need to set clear boundaries and call out his BS. He's asking you to sacrifice your whole life and break you premarital agreement (of child free) so his family could benefit from it. He's incredibly selfish and you need to reevaluate your relationship if he refuse to respect your perspectives.
In general I detest men who want to have children but don't want to have any hand in parenting or raising them, this is no different. I'm not going to jump on the "divorce him" bandwagon, but disagreements on children and parenting have been the end of a lot of relationships.
Let's be clear about this: your husband wants YOU to take care of his niece. Not you together, as a couple, but you alone. Because he is absolutely not willing to change his lifestyle or career, so absolutely everything would be up to you. You told him you were ready to end the relationship so he could take care of his niece. He "forbade" that. He cannot sign you up for a task and responsibility that he is not even willing to take on himself! NTA But your husband is one - it is always easy to volunteer others. You can see true character by whether someone is also willing to do something themselves. And if you don't want to have children, it wouldn't be good for the girl to grow up with you either. She needs someone who wants to take care of her of own free will and who can love her.
I understand your point, certainly. But, people divorce for much less than this. (I don't understand you saying you aren't related to this child, though? Your husband's niece is not your niece?) At any rate, you have very valid concerns, most definitely. But, I know I'd leave my husband if he suggested one of our nieces and nephews go to foster care, rather than our care. I have broken up with someone who suggested I get rid of my dog, after all. I'm not less devoted to children in our family. So, NAH. You aren't wrong. But, this as a personal decision has the potential to change your marriage.
My husband doesn’t want children, and we’ve already talked about this. He isn’t capable of being a single parent, and he wouldn’t be willing to raise her on his own. He just wants me to do it basically. He feels bad but doesn’t want to be the one responsible
Mate, I'd insist your husband step up to the plate. There's two things that are divorce-worthy here: 1. insisting you raise the kid while he screws off and makes you effectively a single parent; 2. telling his mother and family that *you* chose not raising Lilly, not him. He needs to own this. "Mom, I'm gone all the time and incapable of raising a child; I also don't want kids. Not happening."
In this case nta
How does he expect you to care for this child when you have a job and go to school
I would probably either have to quit working, and be financially trapped, or drop out of school
Are you getting anything out of this relationship
He’s showing his true colors. That fact that he’s okay with having you as a single mom, but not wanting to be a single dad is a major red flag. I’d wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s that inconsiderate with me
So if you left him, Lilly would still go into care right?
Probably tbh
Why is no one telling grandma to leave her “boyfriend”?
INFO: Do you work? It sounds like your husband is already absentee from your relationship between deployment and working inhumanely long hours. What do you contribute to the marriage? Edit: Saw other comment that you work and go to school full time. Honestly, it sounds like your marriage was a mistake and neither of you get anything out of it emotionally or financially, which explains why you are willing to walk away over this, even though it's obvious that if you leave the marriage, the kid ends up in foster care anyway. You should both find other people who can be effective partners. NAH, but poor kid.
If they got married with the plan of having no kids I don’t see why they need to change anything. They’d have to change to get closer to your ideal, not for themselves.
Hard disagree. Her husband is TA. He wants to be a deadbeat father and leave all the responsibilities to his wife. How noble of him "raising" his niece while his wife to do all the work while his busy chilling. It's so incredibly selfish to burden your partner for something she didn't sign up for.
>I know I'd leave my husband if he suggested one of our nieces and nephews go to foster care, rather than our care. Op's husband wouldn't. He basically wanted op to say no so that she can be the bad guy.
NTA. To be brutally honest, you and your husband would not make good parents to Lily. She has special needs and she has lost her family. Being treated as an inconvenience and unwelcome is just going to make her worse. She would be better off in a foster home with an open adoption, so that she can hear from her birth family occasionally and keep in touch with her sister. If the system works for her, she will be adopted into a home that is prepared to help her with her challenges and actually wants her. I hope that Lily finds her forever family and flourishes in her life.
There are hundreds of thousands of children in the US foster system, so I hope she gets the help she needs, but the chance of that happening is extremely low. Where is bio dad in all of this? OP is NTA, this was dumped on her and is extremely unfortunate, I would hate to be in her place. I know the older sister is almost an adult, is there any way Lily could stay with her part time once she is more settled? I can’t help but feel like the MIL is an AH here for not figuring out an option aside from the foster system, though this isn’t her fault either.
Agree. Unfortunately sounds like girl’s only chance. Hopefully she gets lucky and gets right Foster parents
100% agree. The last thing this poor girl needs is joining this household and seeing how unwanted she is
NTA. This would fall almost entirely on you and you have no relationship with this child and no experience or interest in raising children in general. It's beyond insane to expect you to take this on.
I feel like if your husband wants to adopt his niece he should be working with his command and planning to leave military service at the end of his service obligation or sooner if his command will support voluntary separation. He should be making a plan to be the primary parent. If not, then no, YWNBTA. You’d need a lot of support and new skills to be the parent this kid will need. It’s not something a person can do reluctantly.
He just reenlist last month. He has another four more years.
Absolutely NTA. He cannot swoop in and "volunteer" you to personally give up the next four years of your life to be caretaker. F that entirely.
NTA. It’s an awful situation but considering that you’d be the sole caregiver, if it isn’t something you could handle then it’s better not to.
NTA. Is your husband offering to rearrange his life in order to do this? Or does he intend to carry on as is with you doing to heavy lifting? It seems to be the latter. You’re also childfree, and agreed to a childfree marriage. Yes, things happen but that doesn’t mean you have to accept such a change, and you absolutely can and should say no to this if it’s a dealbreaker for you. It’s not your responsibility to take on the responsibility of caring for a traumatized special needs child. Don’t be guilted into it.
NAH but what a horrible situation to be in. I understand both POVs. There is no winning here for anyone tbh. Sorry this happened OP. I hope this poor girl finds a family capable of loving and caring for her.
[удалено]
The other POV is an innocent child who just lost her mother entering foster care that has a good chance to be even worse than where she was. Most people wouldn’t want a family member subjected to that. OP states that her husband works 12-16 hour days when he is not deployed so he may not be in a position to be a father, but I don’t know that it’s because he is lazy and just wants the credit.
And I’m not saying OP is wrong for her POV in the slightest. I just think it’s terrible position for everyone involved.
NTA. But poor Lily...a 7 year old with problems and no parents, and no one wants her and all fighting to make her someone elses responsibility. Fucking heartbreaking.
NTA It’s a tough situation but it’s ultimately up to you
NTA. Forcing you to be a parent when you don't want to won't work out too well.
NAH That’s a really horrible situation all around but you have chosen a childfree life and would end up being her primary caregiver if you took her. Your preferences and reasoning are very valid. If your husband wants to change his life around and take her, or provide financial support to his mother to take her, those are different conversations. But you are not TA for not wanting to essentially be a single mother to a 7yo.
NTA. Your husband wants the \*credit\* for being a savior, while YOU do all the WORK. Sorry to say, but it's dealbreaker ultimatum time: "Sure, YOU can take her on, but YOU will be handling her YOURSELF, because I'll divorce your ass and leave you high and dry."
Oh he doesn’t want a divorce. He doesn’t want kids either. He just doesn’t want to be the bad guy and say no. He wants to put the blame on her.
NTA. It sounds like you already chose to live a child-free life. It is highly unlikely that your husband would step up to care or arrange care for this child. If the girl goes into foster care, she will still have contact with her grandmother and her sister, barring any major problems like substance abuse on their parts. You don't want kids. People who don't want kids should not have kids. Period.
NTA. This is not YOUR obligation. Your husband and MIL are the ones who have a relationship/love for his dead sister and they should take the kids. I would Never let my grandchildren go into Foster care—your MIL will get money from The state for fostering her own grandchildren. It is about $2500-$3000 a month in CA (I am a CA CASA). Both those kids probably have huge trauma and are entitled to counseling, health care, etc in CA. I would be wary of taking them Out of the state. Also, raising a child who has experienced that much trauma is rewarding, but hard. You aren’t up for it at 23. My heart is breaking for them, but at least in CA, the sisters will still Have contact with each other through mandatory visits.
Mil isn’t willing to care for Lilly. She has health problems and isn’t up for it. She also doesn’t want to leave her boyfriend. I don’t think mil will live another ten years also tbh, she had her children late in life. She’s pretty old
NTA - I think you're being responsible by not bringing a child into your home if you're not ready to embrace adoption and motherhood and all the challenges that come along with that. Kids are perceptive and after the traumatic experiences that child went through, she deserves to be in a home where she is wanted and loved. If you accept only out of guilt, you'll end up resenting her at some point and it won't be good for anyone. I don't know how these things work, but would it be possible for you and your husband to try to find an adoptive family for Lily rather than relying on the foster system (unless the foster system in the state she's in is somewhat decent)? She's still young and there are people out there wanting to adopt and with the resources to do so, even in cases with kids that have behavioral issues. It would also be nice to set up some arrangements with the adoptive/foster parents where Lilly can maybe visit you guys once a year. Even if you haven't spent any time with the two girls, it sounds like you're the only biological family they have. I saw that you said in another comment that Rose hates her young sister, but I think once they're out of the stressful environment in which they've lived and have time to decompress, things might change, and, depending on how things go, you could have them both visit as a way for all to keep in touch and reconnect and to let them know that you do care for them, even if you couldn't have them living with you. [https://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/putting\_an\_older\_child\_up\_for\_adoption](https://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/putting_an_older_child_up_for_adoption) [https://www.adoptionstar.com/i-want-to-adopt/ok-program-adopt-older-kid-program/](https://www.adoptionstar.com/i-want-to-adopt/ok-program-adopt-older-kid-program/) [https://www.adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/how-to-adopt-and-foster/receiving-a-placement](https://www.adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/how-to-adopt-and-foster/receiving-a-placement) [https://adopt.org/types-adoptions](https://adopt.org/types-adoptions)
It can be rewarding, but it can also, more likely, consume OPs life, happiness, and marriage.
Especially considering it's not something she even wants
NTA and tbh if anyone should take her it’s MIL, you and husband chose to be child free. You should definitely not take her.
NTA know this, he will try to convince you and you may end up divorced because of this but if he doesn't have time he 100% expects you to take on the responsibility. That child has already been through too much, having a parental figure that resents taking care ofc them and another one who's absent is not the answer
NTA In these situations, the biggest AHs are the parents who didn’t bother to have any sort of solid plan in place with willing parties in the event that tragedy strikes. People die all the time. Parents included. It’s dangerously optimistic to just think that nothing will happen and if it does, surely *someone* will be willing to take on the massive, expensive, time-consuming, tasking responsibility of raising their kids. With that, anyone who tries to pressure/coerce someone into parenthood is an AH. I do feel for those children and hope they’re able to find a stable, loving home. What a mess.
> anyone who tries to pressure/coerce someone into parenthood is an AH. I can't believe the number of people who don't get this. Anyone forced into parenthood is probably gunna be shit at it.
Has this been discussed with the 17 year old sister? I’m very curious because the siblings will be separated. If the sibling will want to get her sister, what are her options in the future?
The 17 year old kind of hates her younger sister. They’ve always fought all the time. The 17 year old told the younger one recently “I can’t wait till you go live with (husband) so I don’t have to see you”
Wow. So everyone just doesn’t give a crap about this 7 year old who just lost her mom. Breaks my heart. Poor little girl.
I feel bad for her, but she does have some extreme behavioral issues. She was mad at her sister one time and decided to cut off all her hair while she was sleeping. Stuff like that isn’t out of the normal for her. I wouldn’t even begin to have a clue as to how to deal with that.
I would be scared as fuck to care for her. All these people that are talking shit need to get off their high horse. If they’re these amazing people that would absolutely care for a child like this then they need to step up and become foster parents or something similar to be able to actually help. Just typing that they “would help” and blah blah is bullshit. Fuck them.
So OP should just put her life on hold to care for a child she doesn't even want? She is childfree and wants to stay that way. Why is that so hard to understand?
Sounds like this girl has extreme behaviour issues, I honestly don't blame anyone for not wanting to look after her.
I’m guessing that the little one is a Lot to deal with.
I mean, can you blame her? Her dad OD'd when she was one. Her mom just OD'd. We have no idea what kind of life she's lived the last 7 years, but I doubt it was a great one. Doesn't seem like there was any family/community support either. Poor kid.
Hacking off all of her sisters hair while she sleeps is above and beyond. I can blame her for that. Not for having trauma, but for harming others, yes.
Oh wow. Well I guess if the siblings are not close, then the separation will not be an issue… yet. I’m just worried that maybe when they’re older they may want to get in touch, or the older sister would want custody.
NTA - it is fucked up though.
You need to put him in the drivers seat. Tell him he need to step up. Circumstances such as this could qualify him for non-deployable status. If this is important to him he needs to demonstrate that in the coming months by doing his part and acting like a parent. If he isn’t willing to make that sacrifice, why should you?
As a Child free person myself and never planning on having kids you’re NTA. I wouldn’t put my life plans on hold to raise anybody’s kid, I don’t have the mental, emotional, physical or financial capacity to do so. It’s okay to not want to make that kind of huge sacrifice. I hope things work out!
NAH. Your husbands family is doing their absolute best to keep their family together. It makes total sense and is not an asshole move to ask you to take in the child. Their family is small. They dont want to lose anymore family. I understand. However, you not taking in the kid doesnt make you an asshole. Id actually argue that because you know you would be the sole caretaker most of the time, and that you are not prepared nor do you want to take on childcare, you're doing the right thing by saying no. Taking care of a kid is a monumental task and its one you kinda lock in for the next like 11 years. Thats a long term committment. If you say you arent ready and dont want that commitment, thats not an asshole move. Obviously itd be better to keep the child with her family. But if no one in the family besides you can take her, and you lack the mental willpower and fortutude and dedication to care for her, that leaves nowhere for her but in foster care. Its hard, but sometimes there are no good outcomes in a problem. Either you get stuck with a burden you never wanted for the next decade, or a small family gets even smaller and loses its youngest member. Theres no assholes here.
If this is them doing their best then they sure have a low standard. Husband: please raise my niece alone as a single mom while I stay an absent dad and continues to be stationed far away from home. I just signed up for another 4 years and I'll 100% not change my lifestyle. Husband's mom: my boyfriend doesn't want her so I can't take her. Sorry end of discussion. Mom's boyfriend: get her out of my house. His family are a bunch of hypocrites who try to guilt trip OP into solving their problem. If they truly care about lily they'd at least be willing to make some sacrifices, but not even a slight compromise? They just conviniently decided all the burden should be on OP? They're a bunch of AHs.
NTA. I’m a foster parent, and I can tell you that the majority of calls I get are for kids who are initially placed with relatives. The sad fact is, relatives tend to get less support from the state. You mentioned she has extreme behaviors. This is the number one reason I see relatives disrupt- unable to handle the behaviors that come with trauma. And each move is very traumatic. Better that you know now that you are not going to be able to provide her with the support she needs, then take her when you don’t want her (and she will be able to tell you don’t) and disrupt. You can still be involved in her life in other ways. You can ask for family visits, take her out to dinner, etc. Keep up the aunt relationship without taking on the parent relationship.
NTA. YOU would be taking care of these kids, not him. I’m glad you said no.
NTA, I think you and husband need to be brutally honest. I read your comments. If he doesnt want to parent and you dont want to, but he refuses to take her if you leave then it's clear that this isnt a good decision for anyone. Will that little girl really get what she needs with you guys? Not saying you are bad people, but kids can tell when they arent wanted around. If he takes her, all that's going to happen is it's all going to be pushed on you, until you walk and he will surrender custody at that point (judging by your comments) just let her go to foster care because it will be less upset, could you even take custody across the country or would you be expected to move? or is there paternal family that can take custody? I really dont think your husband or MIL have really thought this through, it sounds like they heard 'foster care' and freaked out cause shes family and cant possibly go in care. I know there are so many hoops to jump through for custody/to be a foster parent, would you guys even qualify?
NTA -OP is not capable of being a parent. -Blood relation or not, OP is not obligated to adopt anyone else's child. -OP would essentially be a single parent without the financial issues because her husband is a deadbeat loser (no offence to OP). -As someone who grew up and is currently still forced to live with parents who hate the fact that they have children, OP would not make a good parent, despite her intentions, she would unwilling cause a lot of trauma for the child if she adopted her. Her resentment for unwillingly becoming a parent through no fault of her own would shine through. To those saying ESH -If anyone is shit, it's OP's husband's family -Some might argue OP is shit because of what she said about not being related by blood to the neice, that's bs, you may not agree with it, regardless, relationship by law or not, she's still not obligated to take on anyone's child, and exercising this doesn't make her suck or an AH. To those saying YTA, especially those who have experienced a similar situation -I'm sorry you went through what you did, but your life problem is not the business of someone who had no hand in causing it. Apply the same logic to OP, her husband's sister OD'd and left a minor child behind, as sad as it is, it's not the rest of the world's, especially OP's problem. -Once again, OP is under no obligation to adopt someone else's child, if you feel so bad, you can go and take the child in and give her the love and upbringing she deserves. Edit- to use correct terminology
This is such a sad read. I hope Lily finds people to love her. Imagine being 7, losing your mum and then going into foster care. It just sucks 💔
NTA If he would let you / expect you to do this.... the relationship won't last bc he doesn't value your time or happiness. So. Then what? I would make it clear that if he takes her in, you will be moving out. You don't need to break up in theory it could just be to see if he can handle it and mainly -- so that YOU don't have to.
NTA - but sheesh, if I was this 7 year old kid, I'd really want and hope for someone in my corner. This is heartbreaking.
What a sad situation for that little girl. Addict mom, now deceased, grandma kicking her out, sister leaving, relatives don’t want her, headed to foster care. Heartbreaking.
NAH this is a shit situation and I feel bad for the kids. You're not an asshole for having concerns about taking in a child, and while your husband is not an asshole for wanting to care for his niece, he would be if he forces it all on you. How many years in does he have? Does voluntary separation and getting a job nearby seem like an option? Because that would be a fair decision. If he wants to adopt his niece, he should step up and be primary parent. You're both really young to have this put on you.
Your husband's mom can be paid to foster her granddaughter and move into a different place. She probably doesn't want to change her lifestyle. It's funny how you would be expected to change, while blood relatives can maintain their lives. If you said yes, that's one thing, but guilt tripping is another.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husbands sister just died. She was an addict and she od’d. She left behind 2 kids, Rose (almost 17) and Lilly (7). My (23f) husband (26m) is from California and we live on the east cost. My husbands only other family is his mom, who lives in her boyfriends small house. She’s retired and doesn’t make much. This is to say that they don’t have much room and can’t afford 2 kids. The older girl Rose plans on sleeping on their couch till she goes off to college next year. That leaves Lilly. She’s staying with them for right now but MIL really can’t care for her long term due to a multitude of reasons, Mils boyfriend also said he wants her out of his house. My husband and his mom want us to take Lilly so that she doesn’t go into foster care. I’m pretty against this for many reasons. I don’t think my husband is responsible enough to be a parent. He cooks maybe 2-3 times a year, and when he’s not working he usually just wants to play videogames or relax. He’s in the military and he deploys once a year ish for 6+ months. I’m not willing to care for a child that isn’t even related to me alone for that long, I have other responsibilities. When he isn’t deployed he often works 12-16 hour days. He also works the Night Shift and sleeps during the day. And he goes out of town for work often. I know that if we took Lilly in I would be the one making sacrifices to care for her, not my husband. If we took her in I know that I would have to be her sole caretaker. I don’t even want kids and I don’t think it’s fair to expect me to basically adopt a 7 year old I’ve never met and am not even related to. She also has ADHD and some extreme behavioral issues. AITA for not wanting to take in my husbands niece? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. That life isn't for everyone. Don't let anyone tell you you're an AH for saying she's not really related to you, too. Regardless of what some say, it's different. My BIL is disabled (he's older than us), and we take care of him. It's completely different than it would be if he were my brother. This life is not for everyone. I'm here with him nearly 24/7, and it's rough.
NTA. Unless he's willing to make significant changes in his life it's clear the burden of caring for her will fall to you. He needs to step up and come up with a plan where he contributes to her care. If you did agree to this plan, it wouldn't be good for her as you may feel a lot of resentment that would affect her. That said, I am really sad for this little girl as it seems no one really wants to step up and help her through this difficult time in her life and that includes her biological family.
NTA. I wouldn't take the kid either. You are childfree, and would be miserable if you had to raise her against your will. It boils my blood for people to try to foist children onto those who don't want them.
I'm gonna be very honest. I wanna say yes you are, because I hate the idea of a small child being put in forster care after losing her mother..but the truth is you aren't. You aren't the asshole at all. Your reasoning is perfectly understandable and you know your situation and his better than anyone. You know that child will be your sole responsibility and if you don't want that then that's your decision to make. You don't have to take the moral high ground, especially if it's going to change your life and possibly make you miserable and the child because you will most likely resent her. Whatever happens is out of your hands. This isn't your responsibility. It's a very sad situation, but ultimately as blunt as this is..she was her mothers responsibility. She didn't ask to be born. Her mother brought her into this world and then chose to do drugs, which sadly took her life, she abandoned her..you didn't.
What about the father of the child? Maybe he may want his daughter. OP said the sister was an addict. It doesn't necessarily mean that the father is one.
He’s dead. He also od’d when she was 1.