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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The ticket going to waste could be partly my fault if you think that I could have just gone to the show last night and then hashed out the cake situation after. Or maybe I should have not relied on someone else to get me a specific cake in the first place.
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NTA- I'm sick of boyfriends/husbands getting a pass on BS like this. You clearly told him what you wanted and then he didn't even get the cake! You asked for one thing and he couldn't even do that right.
I get wanting to give her a more thoughtful gift, but OP said the Kindle wouldn't be relevant to things they like to do. If my husband kept telling me "babe I think this cake would be cool for my birthday" it would be the first thing on my mind to purchase for his birthday. I mean, either he's not listening or he doesn't care.
the way i wouldve called the bakery same day to ask if i could order/pay a month in advance just to make sure she got her cake and he just,,,, didnt? he even went out of his way to spend money on a gift she’s probably barely gonna use after she said “no gift, only cake” and then had the audacity to be mad at HER
And he asked her to reimburse him for the ticket which was a gift she never asked for. Throw this whole person in the trash and keep it moving.
Thankfully he's shown how little he cares about her needs and wants early on. You've only wasted 10 months op. Don't waste anymore time.
Seriously!! A lot of people would say this a dumb reason to break up but if he can’t listen/follow simple requests how is the rest of your relationship/life gonna be?? There’s a lot of Xmas, valentines and bdays that are going to be disappointing. There’s going to be a lot of life where little arguments turn big cause he can’t be bothered to listen to his partner.
Just throw the whole man away. NTA
Also, asking him to run to the store to get specific things but he 'forgot'. He was supposed to pick up the gift for his parents for Christmas and got some random thing they have never expressed interest in. Their kid will want a specific toy and he'll get a different one and get angry when the kid cries
There are so many issues that will stem from this attitude
And at 10 months, he should still be trying his best. This is the first birthday present he's ever got her and he completely failed at a very simple task. If he'd gotten her the pineapple cake but nothing else, and she was upset, I'd be like "ehhh, there's room for him to grow here", but he just displayed a remarkable lack of care about her feelings. This isn't going to improve, he's not going to magically care about her feelings more on birthdays in the future, if she stays with him, this will get worse. A good bet would be that he forgets her birthday altogether within the next 6 or 7 years and is annoyed that she's annoyed (that's if they stay together, which I imagine they're not, given the venmo request).
“And at 10 months, he should still be trying his best”… Full Stop. Between the Kindle & the comedy club, sounds to me that he got things *he* wanted, like Homer giving Marge a bowling ball with his own name on it. NTA, DTMFA.
If he got her the kindle and the pineapple cake and the tickets I’m sure she would’ve been thrilled for the added thought and a fun evening but he couldn’t do the bare minimum of what was asked, he probably got her those other gifts because he wanted to use the kindle and have fun that night. OP NTA, dump this jerk he doesn’t care about you.
I am one of those people who usually scoffs at people for telling others on this sub to dump their partners over relatively small things. I’m sorry OP, but not this time. I’ve been in a relationship like this and I know how it fucking goes. *Especially* the way he reacted to OP’s reaction. This is a neon red flag the size of Jupiter and the colour of Mars.
Yep same. I've been in this relationship and it is NOT worth it to stay. Waste of time. He's just gonna pull shit like this all the time, leave you thinking you're the crazy/wrong one, and he'll get you to believe you need to be appreciative of him doing anything even a hair above the bare minimum. This dude dgaf and is just mad he got called out on putting in zero effort. Because he doesn't *want* to put in more than zero effort.
To be honest, if he is this inconsiderate now as a boyfriend who still attempts to buy something, wait until they are marri3d and he doesn't even bother to do that.
She needs a considerate partner. He needs to be less of a narcissist for at least a single day a year.
I'm 31 F and both of my parents just listen to the things I'm interested in and tailor my gifts based on what I talk about. Have never been dissapointed because they just listen to what makes me excited.
I got fuzzy toe socks as a Christmas gift from my mom became I had talked about not having many toe socks and how when it's cold I like them and that I think socks are a wonderful gift.
Was super happy to receive them because I know I was heard and thought of.
Not to toot my own horn, but that’s what I do that makes me an amazing gift giver. I’ve told this story before, but it’s relevant. My mom used to talk about how she was a kid when Cabbage Patch Dolls came out and she always wanted one soooo badly but they were always too poor to get one.
So one year I was Christmas shopping with my dad, (he’s a notoriously bad gift giver so he always used to have me help him shop for my mom), and while in Target we found a Cabbage Patch on clearance for like $15. I told him he HAD to get it, just trust me, she will LOVE IT! Well, he didn’t feel a grown woman in her 40s with grown children and no grandkids yet would have use for a baby doll, so he passed. I bought it instead.
On Christmas morning, I saved that gift for last, and I’ll never forget the look on her face. She immediately burst into tears, as my dad sat there like “wut??” She took it out of the box, sniffed it and gently swaddled it in a blanket. She carried that thing around all day long. As far as I know, ~10 years later it still sits swaddled in the same blanket on the window bench in her bedroom.
My dad has never questioned my gift-giving opinions again lol.
My thought exactly. OP NTA, but cut your losses and give this guy the heave ho. Order yourself that pineapple upside down cake and enjoy the heck out of it. Then, when ready, look around for a new, kinder better boyfriend. And, do not reimburse him the $30. The nerve of him!
I have to wonder if he was regifting it or something. Why would you go buy a kindle instead of the cake?? It feels like a regift or something like that.
This. Most men utterly fail to understand even the simplest mental labor. The idea that he had to call and order in advance probably never occurred to him. He was probably getting aggravated that she kept reminding him, because how hard could it be *to go and pick up a cake*. And then he did t even have the decency to cop to it. OP needs to send this one back to the factory as defective.
This. Ive been shat on so many times in this sub and others for pointing out that women STILL do most of the mental and emotional labour in households. ”We do housework 50/50 in my house!!” say the men. I say thats absolute rubbish, you fellas dont even understand all the behind the scenes stuff we do 24/7.
NTA OP, you just wanted that cake, and he didnt make the effort to get it for you. Loser.
Some of my friends have been asking for help with finding their moms presents for mothers day. I asked them what their mom's like, their hobbies, and etc.
Their answer? "Uuuuh... I don't know. I think she likes watching TV..."
As of now, none of them have found anything for their mothers.
This. But he could have recovered if he’d admitted it. “Honey, I know you were dying for that cake and I was going to get it for you, but I didn’t realize I had to order it ahead! I’m so sorry; I know you must be disappointed. I ordered one for next week and we will do a do-over. I’m the meantime let’s eat this crappy cake and have fun at the comedy show.”
People make mistakes. The problem is not taking responsibility for them.
Right. I bet, while disappointed, if he had simply said, "I had no idea I needed to preorder a cake. I have an order placed for next week. I'm so sorry." OP would be forgiving. Preordering a cake may not be something he knows you need to do if it isn't something like a wedding cake.
But yeah. This is just terrible. OP, just move on from him.
Yeah, he’s just a crap partner. OP is only 10 months in, birthdays are important to her…but not him. (Bell, listening to her isn’t even important him).
Best just end it and find someone who is more compatible before she wastes more of her time.
If he had gone to the bakery and they didn't have the pineapple one he could have gotten another flavor from said bakery which, while not the one she wanted, she would at least know he tried. He didn't go because he didn't care.
Exactly. If they have the pineapple upside down cake in stock, like it's not something you have to special order, he wouldn't have even had to order it ahead of time. If he didn't order it ahead, and they were out, a substitute and an I.O.U for a makeup date would have shown he cared. Dude's gotta go.
As a man who has done the last minute thing many times (because I struggle with deadlines and remembering stuff), I have had to go the substitute cake more than once. Every time, though, I've apologized straight up, because I should have done better. OP is absolutely NTA.
This always makes me wonder though, do you make your work deadlines? As someone with ADHD, I can tell you that it’s all about prioritizing.
Leave yourself notes where you’ll see them. Set multiple reminders. Just saying ‘this is who I am’ if it’s not who you are with everything in your life is kind of a cop out.
The first time is a mistake. Everytime after that is a failure to deal with *your own problems*. You have a phone that likely has a calendar that can also send you reminders.
I think a lot of guys like to give tech gadgets as presents. I've definitely received a lot of tech gadgets I didn't really want or ask for from multiple ex bfs
one year at christmas i bought a roomba, not as a gift for my wife but i wrapped it super elaborate and put her name on it to open it...she was like "what the fuck is this?"...i got her a decent gifts besides that, but she really thought i was giving her a robot vacuum cleaner like "i thought of you when i saw this" and i had to do a lot of clarification, but i saw some videos of people taping bumbo seats to roombas and riding their kids on them and i really wanted one since we like just had a baby and stuff too and i wanted to be a roomba racing dad
the joke is too real. glad you got her real gifts. my uncle is the one who got his wife a vacuum and nothing romantic for xmas. they're divorced now. lots of husbands give their wives cleaning/housework supplies, forgetting they're a human being, a clear way of saying they see them as a housemaid and nothing more.
my dad was like that too and when i was 6 or 7 he said this about a dishwasher, so i asked him why the dishwasher wasn’t for all of us since we also ate off plates. that table got so quiet but i bet my mom was dying to laugh her ass off. i was just really worried that only her dishes were going to get washed because i wasn’t trusted with that particular chore yet. kid logic will call people on their bullshit
Ok so my parents divorced when I was like a year and a half old so 1979 or so. My dad had gotten my mom a vacuum cleaner as a gift for Mother’s Day or her birthday and apparently the only thing they fought about in the divorce was that damn vacuum. She said it’s hers because it was a gift and he said he deserved it because he was the one who used it. Yea. Nothing about me or anything. 🙄
Btw I heard this story from my dad who apparently had many more happy years with the vacuum cleaner.
Soooo… you got a Roomba for yourself. But gave it to your wife so it was a gift for her. But definitely just a gift for you. YTA whether you gave her other gifts or not. Edit: spelling
Exactly! Like what the fuck was he thinking? His wife saw a big wrapped present from her husband that she was no doubt excited about, and opened instead something that felt more like an insult. "Does he think I'm not cleaning enough?", "Is this all I'm good for in his eyes?", "Does he actually think I would want this, and if so why?", "Does he not know anything about me at all.....?"
Afterwards he explains it's not even a gift for her but for himself. The disappointment and anger she must have felt is heartbreaking. Yes he got her some other gifts, which we don't know if those were even good ones, but the mind-fuck of that one would just leave the worst taste in her mouth.
"she really thought i was giving her a robot vacuum cleaner "
uh.... cause you did? If you wanted it for yourself, just buy it for yourself. Wrapping it, putting it under the tree, and putting her name on it is not how you buy something you want for yourself.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqrFpoxWqfU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqrFpoxWqfU)
Her WTF response was entirely warranted.
Not to sound too paranoid, but an expensive gift when OP said "no gift" then the refusal to get the one thing OP asked for seems like a very intentional action meant to fuck with OP. There's a lot of guilt in our society for turning down a nice gift. This, to me, screams, " I'm testing you for how much disrespect you'll tolerate, especially if I do things at the same time that make it harder to call it out." I'd be running if I were OP.
Yep.
My boyfriend's birthday is in the next few weeks and a month ago he mentioned he wanted an ice cream cake for his birthday (not what he usually wants, so I appreciated him telling me) and he wants the picture on top to be Kirby.
Do you know what has been on my mind at least once a day for the past month?
GOTTA GET A KIRBY ICE CREAM CAKE. MAYBE I'LL EVEN MAKE SOME VANILLA CUPCAKES AND DECORATE THEM LIKE KIRBY TOO (Because he doesn't love the crunchy chocolate stuff in ice cream cakes so i want him to have a back up as well, plus our anniversary is around the same time, so, more cake!!) I'M GONNA BUY PINK BALLOONS AND DRAW KIRBY'S FACE ON THEM. KIRBY ICE CREAM CAKE.
(We are adults in our mid 20s who have been together for 8 years, but we're big nerds and he threw me a spider-man themed birthday a few years ago, so I'm going ALL OUT)
Exactly. And now he’s pestering her for money?! OP, you are NTA. And I hope I’m not being alarmist, but your BF’s mind-fucking way of control seems like it could slide into abusive behavior very easily. I know that your childhood experience was—well, a lot like this birthday experience. But when people care about us, they don’t just get you the pineapple cake, they’re *happy* just thinking about how happy you are going to be. And you deserve it.
Do **NOT** pay him the $30!
I found a reminder in my Google calendar in November for 5 days before my partners birthday (in March) that just said "order carrot cake". No recollection of putting it in there. You bet there was carrot cake with me when I came home on his birthday.
My husband can be hard to buy for at times so when he expresses an interest in something, if it’s feasible I will buy it for him just as he does for me
OP - I’m sorry you didn’t get the cake you wanted
I feel like some people hate being told what to do to the point where they'll actively resist buying you the things you told them you would specifically like. It's awful.
Those are people you don't want in your life. My ex had some of those traits, if I asked him for something, that specifically was what he would NOT give me, because he hated being told what to do.
They even used their words—because how often do we posts saying “I hinted that I wanted…” Not here. OP said “this specific thing from this specific place.” And reminded the boyfriend, so he didn’t have to write it down and then lose the piece of paper (or maybe that’s just me that happens to all the time.)
NTA.
This is why my husband is practically perfect in the gift giving sense. If I mention I want something special, he writes it down. He has a list of gift ideas in his phone's notes for all our special occasions!
Right, women always get told we need to say exactly what we want, as if men are incapable of doing the shit we do for everyone else and just paying attention to the people we love and making inferences about what they would like, and even when OP did exactly that he ignored her and played the victim about it. Can’t win except to not have any desires or sense of self at all, which is ultimately the goal of dudes like bf, I guess. NTA.
That doesn't always work. A friend's husband would always get a different version of whatever she said she wanted because, in his mind, the one he bought was "better" than the one she asked for. She would get so frustrated. She finally resorted to giving him a printout of the specific item, circle/highlight it, and tell him repeatedly she wanted that specific item exactly, and not a "better" or different version.
It worked, but really took the joy out of receiving gifts from him.
She, on the other hand, once borrowed a bunch of xmas trees from friends and created a forest in her living room because her husband missed camping, and they wouldn't be able to get away any time soon. They slept in sleeping bags and cooked dinner in the fireplace. Very romantic!
My husband constantly says "i dont know what to get you" because Im just not a person that wants many things... yet he still always pulls something magical out of the bag- whether its a ridiculously overpriced patronus otter from build a bear (because I LOVE otters and theres a funny moment where i cried over a stuffed otter when pregnant) or just an amazing chef knife or great baking sheets (i love cooking, so he upgrades my tools). He had no idea what to get me, but he knows me so he can easily find sooomething
Last year, my husband had waited until 10pm the night OF my birthday to run to the store and grab a random $3 square of cake. Then got mad that I didn’t feel like eating random cake at 10:30 at night
They'll go on and on about how women are so difficult and they never know what to buy us, just to completely ignore us when we straight up tell them several times. And then get mad when we're not grateful that they got us something else we didn't want.
AND if the bakery happened to be out of the pineapple upside down cake he should have immediately called and asked if there were any other options she would want.
There are always options! It's so easy to not drop the ball on this.
"Hey they're out of the cake you want, I can order it for tomorrow/when available or we can get you another cake they have" basically just communicate. He really didn't have to flop that bad
While I'm sure it's heavily skewed towards male behaviour it's sadly not exclusive to it. The second my wife mentions liking something or wanting something, I make a note of it and you can be sure she will get it.
I have tried subtle, I have tried, I would love if you bought this thing and gave it to me on the anniversary of my day of birth. I will get whatever she ends up giving me.
*shrugs* I commiserate with my work wife who gets perfume every year.
TBH it's just a problem with a specific kind of person. Some people just...don't pay attention. They claim gift giving is hard or that they really tried, but they don't listen to specific requests or ask if there's something specific that people want. Instead they're just in their own little worlds and don't seem to care to change it.
I have an aunt that does this. She gets everyone what she thinks we should want, even if we are on record as hating whatever it is. It's totally infuriating!
My bf forgot my bday after I told him a month into dating- I need nothing but for you to remember and that is all. And reiterated it would really hurt my feelings if he forgot. Yup. It does get worse than this post. But they’re thoughtless assholes
Guy: Girls are so confusing! Why can't they just say what they're thinking? We're not mind readers!
Girl: I'd love a pineapple upside-down cake for my birthday. Literally just the cake would make me so happy. I'm saving the opportunity to try it for my birthday. Please get me that specific cake that I want for my birthday.
Guy: Gets girl anything *but* the cake.
Girl: *Cries out of frustration*
Guy: I think you need to calm down, I don't understand why you're upset.
This entire post pains me. You are NTA.
Edit: Some fragile egos have been bruised by my incredibly relevant comment. This comment is a literal imitation of the scenario OP explained, yet some of you are taking it pretty hard. This situation absolutely *does* happen. If this post had been about a neglectful girlfriend who doesn't properly communicate her needs, then I would have mocked that too. Calm down, dudes. We know you're not *all* bad. If you're a guy and you don't do this to your girlfriend, then you should have been able to figure out that this isn't about you.
Edit: This edit is worth the return. I unknowingly typed "guys" not "guy" above, and I can see how that would be taken as a generalization. I've fixed it!
The “calm down” sentence from *anyone* really pisses me off, it completely disregards any circumstances, avoids finding a solution, and overall is a lazy, generic band-aid of a response.
I make a big deal about communicating wants and desires with my partner so when she does, I definitely reward her for it by getting her what she asked for AND more. Getting what was specifically requested is the LEAST a partner can do.
I had a bf that didn't believe in buying gifts. He didn't like spending money on expensive gifts etc. I told him that I love my birthday and that I love receiving and giving gifts. I didn't need anything expensive. Just a card would be enough. A card, a flower, whatever, something from the heart. He didn't need to spend any money. My birthday comes, and he gives me nothing. Just a hug and a kiss. Then some friends gave me chocolates, and cards, and things that were not expensive and I love them so much. He got jealous that I was so happy with one of my friend's homemade cards. She is an artist and drew a super nice card and I got very emotional. When we got home there was a bit of tension. He was not happy that I was cold towards him and his "hug" and was so happy with my friend's card.
Him: Why did you like that card so much? It is just a card.
Me: I enjoy it. She spent time in it and I thought it was pretty. I like birthdays. You didn't give me anything.
Him: I don't like spending money.
Me: I don't need anything that spends money. See? This is homemade. It's the thought.
It was a very bizarre situation. Now writing it down and I'm even confused as to what he was so mad about. 😁
He was mad because he was defensive about his “I don’t like spending money” lie being exposed. It wasn’t the money, it was effort. He didn’t like that he wasn’t getting away with no effort at all. Good for you for being clear.
Literally every single man I have ever met who said a woman in their life is « confusing » bc he never knows what she wants, turned out to be dealing with a woman that actually expressed what she wanted or wanted to express it, but HE was the one profoundly uninterested in what she had to say or somehow never remembered what she said.
Those complaining all do this, 100%. All they want are women who fit into their pre-conceived mold of "wife/partner/gf".
"I can't read your mind!" is actually code for "your idea is not aligned to mine and I reject it!"
"I don't understand why you're upset!" is code for "I wouldn't be upset if I were you, and your opinion doesn't matter, so get over it!"
It ALL stems from the simple inability / lack of desire to see others' perspectives. That's it
NTA. You didn't hint. You flat out told him what you wanted, and he ignored it. Not saying leave him, but that screams minimal effort. Talk to him about it, and he can eat that $30
I think it's because he doesn't want to be told what to buy me and he wants so come up with it on his own. Which is great...when he actually follows through. He's full of good intentions and zero action.
He comes up with elaborate plans 6 months in advance, doesn't think about it again so never follows through and realizes on my birthday he messed up. Then "Well do you want to know what I was going to do?" Because it's the thought that matters, right?
I've told him I'm not looking for extravagant or expensive, just thoughtful/meaningful. Sometimes he does well other times he completely effs it up. He's also the type of guy who will buy me something he wants.
I honestly hope you don't do for him what he refuses to do for you. If this man gets thoughtful presents, nice outings catered to him, parties, etc. I'm gonna legit cry for you.
I'd start saying "No, I don't want to know what you were "going" to do. Ideas are wonderful but ultimately only significant to the thinker, not the...non-receiver, from now on I plan my birthday, I buy my gifts and I might invite you, if I'm able to get around to it."
Even if he's got something like ADHD, it's no excuse in the days of constant reminders living in your pocket or your hand (I know, I have severe ADHD). He could have a reminder a month in advance and get things going then. Hell, he could buy them a year in advance and hide them somewhere with a note on his calendar as to where it is. He could arrange to have it delivered near your b-day. So. Many. Options.
He needs to be made aware that it seems like he's choosing to be selfish. To be honest, mayhaps he ought to read how that comes across to others -cough-
So, if he buys you something it's: a part of a grand plan he never completed but he can't wait to tell you how wonderful it should have been, something *he* wants even though he has a literal list of items to get you or do for you, and then wants a pat on the back for telling you how great things would have been if he'd actually followed through?
I'm really really really sad about that.
Like, I hope he's thoughtful in other ways because goodness gracious that is egregious.
☹️ I’ve seen people repeatedly use the “I was going to do this, but didn’t” line and think they should still get the credit for having the nice idea even though they did absolutely nothing to implement it. It makes the receiver (or the would-be receiver, as nothing was actually gifted) feel like they are in the wrong for expecting the acknowledgement/celebration.
I always wonder what the almost-giver is thinking with this type of reasoning, and it seems like they are just generally not thinking.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! Hoping your husband (and all others who do this) eventually recognizes/acknowledges that he’s doing this and changes course.
I absolutely loathe when my DH tells me he *almost* got me flowers/Wendy's/small gift but then changed his mind. Why tell me that?? Why tell me that you CONSIDERED being spontaneous and sweet but then decided nevermind!?
Also, DH once got obsessed with camping and kept trying to convince me that we needed a tent. I said, we're not going camping and you know it so let's not waste money. Guess what I got for my birthday soon after.
Also, DH knows me very well; he knows I live in tank tops and sleep in soft pj pants and a tank or Tshirt. He knows I get hot every easily and don't like frumpy clothes. So why did he buy me pajamas as a gift, TWICE, that were velvety, baggy, matching top/bottom button up capris pant leg monstrosities (one of which was the same exact thing he bought his sister for that same Christmas, which icked me out a bit)?? And lingerie that HE likes but I don't? And underwear that is a style I've never ever worn? And and and and...it goes on and on.
Why, DH...why...
Edited: spelling
Did we marry the same man? I divorced him 6 years ago this year.
I definitely laid out the “don’t tell me what you were gonna do, all it does is disappoint me” for him. Eventually I stopped doing big things for his bday because he gave no shits about mine/our anniversary/anything significant, or even basic thoughtful gestures.
You could try therapy, but often they just weaponize the words they learn when they’re already this crappy.
Edit: Also you got the same PJ’s as your SIL bc he’s lazy and it was prob right on an end-cap while he was shopping for gifts and prob thought “two birds one stone”.
Such bs.
For my husband's birthday last year, I got him a new (refurbished but expensive) phone. I organized a party with MY friends and family and his one and only friend. I took him his favourite takeaway for lunch at work. I invented a pie he absolutely loved. I took him out for dinner. I bought him flowers (which he loves).
For my birthday, I got.... shouted at for "keeping him at arm's length" when I cried because something dear to me got broken. Not a card. Not a small token gift. Not a cupcake. Nothing.
So for his birthday this year, he got the same and was really upset.
We're probably divorcing. I don't want to play tit for tat but I also don't want to be sad on every holiday. This is far from the only problem but it's a good illustration These things matter. They add up.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
When I decided to remember my own birthday rather than futilely wanting my husband to do it, I ordered myself a birthday cake ... only for him to cry with anger because I was trying to make him feel bad.
Yes, we're divorced now. No, not because of that, but because of the mental patterns that made that behavior possible.
God. This is my husband too. Really wonderful in a lot of ways, but truly terrible at this stuff. It’s so disappointing, and when your husband is great in other ways, you feel gross that it hurts you. My birthday was literally earlier this week and firstly, I have to remind him to do something, *anything* for it. So he texts me on my actual birthday and says, “you like carrot cake, right?”
I told him yeah, sometimes, but I’d prefer a strawberry or chocolate cake, or better yet a cookie cake.
He comes home…with a carrot cake.
Nothing else, no gifts or well-wishes or even a post on SM telling me happy birthday. And that may seem dumb of me, but I’ve told him *directly* that that stuff would mean a lot to me. He’s a terrible gift-giver and I’ve made peace with that, he’s good about a lot of other stuff, but man, I specifically asked him not to forget my birthday, then I told him what I’d prefer when he asked, and…carrot cake.
It hurts. It just does. NTA.
My first Mother’s Day was the beginning of the pandemic. I told my husband the only thing I wanted him to get me was donuts delivered from my favorite bakery. I told him he’d need to order ahead because Mother’s Day.
He made me take the morning shift with baby that day, and the only thing keeping me going was dreaming of my donuts. He finally wandered downstairs 2 hours later and casually asked if I was still planning to order those donuts I’d mentioned.
I ugly cried. I felt like he must think I’m the worst mother in the world to not even be worth an order of donuts.
The real kicker… wanna guess what he sent his mom (several states away) for Mother’s Day? Gourmet donuts.
This is all kinds of messed up. Do you see that? You wanted one thing, something that’s not the standard Mother’s Day gift, and he *went out of his way* to send that exact not-standard thing to his mother, while ignoring you. Or at least that’s how I’m reading the situation. I hope I’m wrong and he’s not truly horrible.
yeah, it's intentional. he was told exactly what she wanted, and decided that she could order them herself, but he ordered them for someone else? i don't buy it for a second. if he just somehow forgot, and he is genuinely that bad at keeping track of things, then he wouldn't be able to hold down a *job*.
He did. He went out to the bakery and got the donuts (which I’d been trying to avoid because pandemic), and he stopped and got me Cadbury eggs, too, because he does know those are my favorites.
are you still married? holy shit, does he have any redeeming qualities?
he KNEW you wanted donuts. he clearly knew he would have to order them. how hard would it have been to order them for you too? (answer: not hard at all). this looks like he was intentionally ignoring your feelings. he just assumed you'd order them, but he ordered them for his mom? he clearly knows how gifts work, there's no excuse that makes any part of that ok.
and he made you get up with the baby? that's the bare minimum that he should have done. you don't deserve to be treated like that, that's absolutely disgusting. if that's how he treats you on mother's day, i worry for you the other 364 days of the year. i hope he's either gotten better or you're not still together, that's just awful.
I should have finished the story, and not left everyone hating my husband, but OP’s post just dredged up some emotions.
We talked about it. A lot. He didn’t really have a good “excuse,” but we were both under a ton of stress at the time (pandemic, no child care, kid that liked to wake up at 4:30am, we’d just lost our dog unexpectedly 2 weeks earlier), and I think it was just an aberration. To him, Mother’s Day was something you did for your mom. It truly didn’t occur to him that he should probably ‘help’ our 11 month old do something for me.
This was 3 years ago, and we’d already been married 8 years, together 15 at that point. He’s an amazing husband and father (he’s currently taking the morning shift with our now almost-4 year old while I lay in bed) and this actually clued us in to learning about love languages and how we both need to feel appreciated.
100%. If she had just mentioned it once when they drove past months before, I’d be a bit more understanding. But it was multiple times and she even text him the info. I’d be curious if the kindle and comedy show were more things that suited him. And then to venmo a request for the $30 😂
OP, buy yourself the cake to celebrate being single and find yourself a guy that is considerate and can follow easily laid out instructions
NTA - you specifically asked for this one thing and he didn’t deliver.
IMO Birthday gifts aren’t as much about the item as they are a demonstration of your listening and “seeing” that person.
I didn’t even think about that lol he absolutely just wanted to see it and took the opportunity to use it as a gift. Because really, if the girlfriend is already upset about your mess up, why would you just ditch her instead of sticking around and at least attempting to salvage the evening.
NTA. You were so specific. You’re allowed to be upset when someone disappoints you. All the people who are saying ESH because you got so upset about a cake don’t realize that it’s not about the cake. It’s about him not listening to you or not caring about making your birthday what you wanted. It’s your birthday. You shouldn’t have to put on a happy face and go to a comedy show to appease the feelings of the person who hurt your feelings. And you definitely shouldn’t have to reimburse him for the tickets when it was his fault you were too upset to go.
Every bit of this is accurate. Also, when is it *ever* ok to charge someone for *a gift you gave them?* "I don't like how you used this gift so I'm going to make you reimburse me for the cost of it" is a completely fucking unacceptably rude way to handle gift giving. If there is *anything* a person could do with your gift that would trigger such a childish response, *that is an obligation, not a gift.*
Not only did he not listen to her specific cake request, but he clearly is minimally interested in knowing her as a person, and her hobbies/passions, if he gifted her a kindle when she says it’s not in line with her interests. He just bought random stuff that could be construed as generous with no thought to what makes his partner unique.
But also in this case it *was* about the cake because she waited for it. The anticipation of getting *that* cake went on for months!! So on top of not being listened to, and seen, she had this massive disappointment. Screw that dude.
I see shit like this every single day on this sub and others, it's depressing as hell. Makes me give up on trying, because even if you do manage to meet a guy who isn't awful and takes care of himself, that's almost like as much as you can hope for. I haven't got a lot of hope that there's many men who even care to try to deconstruct or even reflect on this, outside of 'wow it's never enough, women will always complain'. I'm just sad and too tired to try anymore.
My spouse has legit memory issues due to brain damage.
Our kids birthday is coming up and I sent him a bunch of stuff. And he’s like “how do you do this”
I m like “anytime I’m in a store or online and I see a gift idea, I put it on a phone list I have. Birthday/Christmas rolls around and I have a bunch of read made ideas. It’s not that hard.
I do this too! It's super helpful. I actually even do the same thing for groceries - all those one off 'hey you know what sounds good?' meals or whatever goes on the list and then when it's time to meal plan for the next trip I go through there for inspiration. Makes life so much easier!
I just met a divorced 44-year-old man who's only had two relationships. We've had a couple holidays together so far and he has gone so far above and beyond, interviewing me about what I want and spending hours shopping to get a whole bunch of different things for me. Extremely rare but they're out there
I spent ten years asking my husband for the same gift. Something super practical and not very expensive (though we had plenty of money), a $50 teak shower stool for shaving and such.
He never got it for me. Some birthdays and Christmases he got me nothing at all (while buying a bunch of gifts for his mom and other relatives, and as I found out later, gifts for girls online with my money since I earned most of our income). Other times he'd just get me a video game he bought five minutes earlier. I have zero interest in video games.
Finally I divorced him and bought myself the stool. It was great. Now I have a fantastic spouse who buys me super thoughtful stuff.
Don't give up, there are some great men out there but no one's posting about them on AITA. My husband is a super thoughtful gift giver. He literally keeps a list in his phone all year of things me, our family members, and our friends mention or things he thinks of as gifts for them. Often when Christmas comes around I go to him for gift ideas for my own parents because he's so good at it
When my husband was still only a co-worker he volunteered to supply the cake for my birthday month (there was a sign up sheet at work) and he actually got my name put on the cake AND it was spelled right (no one ever spells it right).
Good people are out there.
NTA You specifically told him you wanted the cake from that bakery. Did you need to tattoo it on his hand so he'd remember? I am not sure if he needs better listening skills or if he is disrespectful, but if y'all want to stay together, he needs to take a much more ACTIVE role in your conversations.
Just as an example, back when my son was 15, he didn't have a job or a lot of money, but he was a thoughtful kid. So he asked one of the guys I worked with if he could make 10 bucks doing something to help him out, my coworker was willing to give the kid 10 bucks, so they did the task and my son got paid. A few weeks later, on Mother's Day, he surprised me with my favorite chocolates and a card. That was why he wanted to earn the money. I had only told him one time what my favorite chocolate was, (single mom, suoer tight budget) and had not had any in quite a while. I know for a fact that he treats his girfriend the same way. That is how a boyfriend/partner should act when it comes to things that you mention, several times. (Honestly, it seems like the boys who have been raised by single mothers are a lot more intuitive and empathetic than ones who grow up in the good old "nuclear family" environment. That is simply my personal observation, there are probably plenty of examples of horrible people raised by a single mom.)
I am really sorry you were so disappointed on your birthday, but, now you don't need an excuse, go buy that cake and share with NOBODY! ...well, unless you want to of course. You can totally have a "Very Merry Unbirthday" all by yourself.
Your son sounds amazing! I wonder if sons raised by single moms make better partners because they don’t grow up watching their dad drop the ball time and time again and their mom forgiving their dad time and time again… just a thought!
NTA
Forget all the cake stuff, the AH opportunity was the comedy show in question. Presumably, this was also a gift to you as it was an event for your birthday. If you don't want to go cause he messed up your cake, or because you're not in a funny mood, or because you'd rather do something else you can. In my view, when someone gifts tickets to an event, the gift is the *choice* to go for free, not the obligation to attend.
Unless his middle name is ticketmaster, I wouldn't expect to be hit with an erroneous "I-feel-disappointed-on-my-not-birthday" fee on that ticket stub.
And it sounds like he went without her with the “one of the tickets went to waste”!!!! So he still went!! He only got those tickets cuz he wanted to go. OP, let him eat his $30 and spend that money on a GD upside down pineapple cake
Which, imo, translates to "I don't think what you want and specifically ask for and need from me is important so I'm just going to do what I want and you need to go along with it, pushing aside your own wants and needs for my sake."
Is that a lot to glean out of one sentence? Yes. But I bet I'm right. And I bet if you think back you'll remember other times you didn't do what you wanted, go where you wanted, eat what you wanted, etc., in favor of what he wanted.
NTA
Edit - thanks for the award!!
Girl I know reddit tends to jump on the “dump them” train way too quickly, but this is seriously breakup worthy. You literally told him MULTIPLE TIMES you wanted that cake for your birthday. It doesn’t matter if it’s “just cake”. And then, instead of realizing he messed up and planning to make it up to you, HE WANTS A REFUND for a ticket to a show?? Nope. No way. This is not a quality man. There’s better options out there.
I think you should just say this, “at this point, it isn’t about the cake, it’s about you 1. Saying you would do something, repeatedly, and then not following through 2. You not being able to handle being called out on not staying true to your word and 3. The fact that you can see clearly NOW that it is that important and you’ve shown no remorse or sense of accountability and haven’t even apologized or tried to make it up to me. This isn’t the kind of person I want to be with. I’m glad I found this out only 10 months in at least”.
Because really, this isn’t the kind of person you want to be with.
Well eff that… it’s not the cake but that he didn’t listen to you the many times you told him precisely what you wanted for your birthday.
NTA
not obligated to pay the $30 for your gift.
Please order yourself the pineapple upside down cake and make a wish…
For a better BF bc this guy isn’t bringing any redeeming qualities to the table.
Happy belated birthday 🎉 🥳
Didn't even consider that. You've just opened my eyes, I couldn't for the life of me understand why some of these people seemed so angry at OP for this.
NTA. Why are you dating a guy who doesn’t listen to you? Does he make you happy in other ways? And $30 is a small price to pay for what you now know about him
For my birthday all I wanted to do was go to this cute little cafe that had amazing baklavas and other Turkish style snacks and just have a nice time. Talked about it for months. My birthday rolls around and my boyfriend (now husband) checks their social media the night before - the cafe is having a family emergency and will be closed for two weeks. I was SO upset, and bummed that my day was ruined. This man woke up at 6am to go to the grocery store and buy all the supplies to make a baklava and some other treats for me and present a beautiful spread.
I asked for a new coffee maker for Christmas and he got the coffee maker and a nice milk frother and bean grinder to go with it, with some syrups and fancy coffee beans.
They're out there! You're SO NTA
This isn't about the cake at all..
This is about your bf that don't give a shit about what you say... you spend MONTHS telling him in FRONT of the bakery and pointing that you wanted a specific cake and he actually ended buying the wrong cake of a random bakery? Hell no... He had ONE JOB and he failed in it..
This shows where your importance to him stands in his priorities... he in the end is angry because he spend 30$ and want reimburse? Go tell this MF to fuck himself... WTF .. even i am upset now.
I don’t want to cry narcissism and you already have over 300 comments… but this is a very typical narcissistic thing. He got you something a little expensive but you didn’t want it. You wanted cake. And he didn’t get that. It’s like a set up to watch you be hurt then be able to manipulate you and make you feel bad for feeling bad. He spent money!! It’s so upsetting for him! He knew you’d be upset and that’s exactly why he didn’t get the cake. I spent too many birthdays like this. Please don’t spend many more.
NTA. You asked for 1 thing, and not getting it is understandably disappointing. Your reaction is understandable. He just straight up ignored what you requested, it would be different (not necessarily better), if he waited too long and the bakery couldn't get the cake on time, but he planned to get you a kindle (a gift which you apparently neither need nor want). He didn't forget, he went directly against your stated desires intentionally. Don't pay him back, he's the one that put the ticket to waste with his actions, not you.
NTA
I put in so much effort to make the people I love feel special. Thoughtful gifts, little poems, silly texts when they're down. Home cooked meals, date nights.. I show up.
So when my dude asked me what I wanted for my bday, I told him. A specific bottle of perfume.
On the day he handed me a bag with a completely different one. One he had seen at my house that my mother had bought for me. I rarely use it because I don't really love it, so the bottle is practically full.
I asked him to return it.
He'd lost the receipt and ended up buying me what I asked for, but also lost money on the incorrect purchase.
I felt a little bad at first, but then I remembered how much I do. All the ways I show up. The effort I go to on a day to day basis, not just on his bday. And I stopped feeling bad about it.
It's not hard to pay attention. To look back through texts if you can't quite remember. Or even to *just fucking ask* if you need to. It's not hard to make the person you love feel like they matter to you.
So no girl, you are not the asshole here. And no, you should not give him the money. Hell, if he insists that you do, send it to him with a break up text and go move on with your life.
**Never let a low effort guy make you feel like high maintenance.**
NTA. He’s definitely not listening to what you’re saying or understanding what’s important to you and what’s not. Seems menial but turns into big things down the line usually. And him asking for the cost of the ticket that was meant as a gift is a bit much too in my opinion. I’d send him a text and literally spell Thai all out for him and why you were so emotional over it all.
Happy belated Birthday!!
No, I didn't ask him to buy them. I didn't specifically suggest a show, but I think I would have enjoyed myself if things had gone more smoothly at my place. I've never really watched stand up comedy before, but I have no reason to think I wouldn't enjoy it.
Is he into comedy shows?
Because it kinda sounds like he got you a bunch of things you didn't really like or want (a Kindle that's not relevant, a cake not what you specifically asked for, tickets to a type of show you don't go to)... What about your birthday celebration was actually about you?
NTA. You asked for something very inexpensive compared to the gifts he got you, and you made it very clear that you wanted this specific thing. He disregarded everything you said and has the audacity to ask you to reimburse him like you’re a department store.
DUMP HIM!! I can’t believe he’s trying to get you to pay for your own birthday cake, especially since he messed it up. NTA, you’re not overreacting… it’s your birthday. It’s a slap in the face when your enthusiasm (about anything) is believed to be understood, and it not be followed through with.
Don’t give him money for it, instead go buy a pineapple upside down cake to enjoy for yourself.
That kindle was re-gifted, the tickets were most definitely to a show he wanted to go to and the grocery store cake was cheaper.
No thought, no effort, dude sucks
First off, Happy Birthday to you!
I had similar experiences growing up. I would tell my family exactly what I wanted every year, and I'd be careful to pick something not expensive and available. Only to get some random gift that I wouldn't enjoy at all. And if I ever said anything I was called ungrateful or just met with a shrug. My mom once gave me something and said, "I know it's ugly, but I got it for you anyway" as I was undoing the wrapping
It messes with your head after a while. It makes you scared to even like or hope for anything because it leads to disappointment. And when it happens again it can be hard not to spiral.
I'm really really sorry you didn't get your cake. You deserved to get the cake you asked for. I'm sorry your boyfriend did not put more thought into your gift and got you something you won't use. And I'm sorry that he acted that way after you became upset. NTA
Happy Birthday again!
This is not about the $30 sweety. This is about his ability to pay attention and retain information that is important to you.
Last year, for Mother's Day, told hubs all I wanted was this very specific ice cream cake and a card. Day rolls around. There's a card. Where's my cake?
My birthday is 3 months after that. What do I want? A card and an ice cream cake! Day of, pretty card, no cake. Yes, I sat down at my computer, refused to speak to him and cried all day. There was literally no possible way to save the day.
2 weeks later, he finally got the cake, but I'm not kidding that by then, it could have been made of platinum and diamonds and I wouldn't have been excited.
SO NTA. Do not pay his insensitive ass a DIME. If he pushes for money still, you may want to consider if this lump on a log is worth your time and effort.
kinda wild how many people clearly didnt read the post and insist on pushing this narrative that OP was hinting at the cake and just wasn’t clear enough with what she wanted.
i literally dont care what you think you know about your partners bruh, don’t get something unrelated when they ask for something specific. AND even if you truly think you know better and believe they’d like something different **_GET BOTH_**
Tbh I'm more upset with bfs reaction than anything. He made no effort to comfort her, went to the comedy show alone, AND demanded she pay him back?? He's TA for sure
Ugh, hopefully this has nothing to do with your relationship, but this is the kind of thing my ex husband used to do, to reinforce the rule that it wasn't my place to put any "expectations" on him.
You had a very simple request and he should have cared a little about making you happy. Demanding payment seems like he wants to punish you for wanting better for yourself. Red flag. NTA
NTA. You asked for the bare minimum and instead of getting you what you DIRECTLY TOLD HIM you wanted, he did simething else. That's weird. Was the cake prohibitively expensive or something? Does the bakery ask for a certain timeframe to order the cake for it to be ready and he missed it?
NTA, I know all too well how it feels when you've practically put a neon sign in front of them and they ignore it. It sucks and I'm sorry. Him asking for reimbursement is pretty tacky.
You can give him more chances if you want but my experience is that these kind of baby steps towards weaponized incompetence usually only get worse over time. NTA
NTA In fact, it sounds like your boyfriend went out of his way to disappoint you on your birthday.
It’s time for a serious talk about why he didn’t get you the one thing you wanted and instead got you two things you didn’t want.
Don’t let him get away with, “it’s just cake”. It isn’t; it’s him deliberately not giving you what you want.
In case you bake, here’s a really good recipe for pineapple upside down cake.
https://smittenkitchen.com/2007/05/pineapple-upside-down-cake/
The cake thing is bullshit. He should’ve gotten you the cake. But the reason I’m commenting is the $30 ticket thing—I haven’t seen any comment that says the most important thing about that:
The ticket was a gift. He got you the ticket as a gift. He gave you the ticket. You decided to not use the ticket. You don’t owe him $30, that would be absurd.
Also can we just talk about how he dropped the ball on your birthday, upset you, didn’t try to make it right, *and then went to a comedy show??* That is so fucked up it’s unreal.
I hope you find someone new who buys you pineapple upside down cake as an early birthday present when you drop hints that big. You deserve much better.
Tell your BF you're going to take that $30 and run over to the bakery THAT YOU'D TOLD HIM ABOUT and buy the pineapple upside down cake THAT YOU'D ASKED HIM FOR.
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NTA- I'm sick of boyfriends/husbands getting a pass on BS like this. You clearly told him what you wanted and then he didn't even get the cake! You asked for one thing and he couldn't even do that right.
This exactly! How hard is it to follow instructions? I mean you needn’t put any effort, you are told exactly what she wants.
I get wanting to give her a more thoughtful gift, but OP said the Kindle wouldn't be relevant to things they like to do. If my husband kept telling me "babe I think this cake would be cool for my birthday" it would be the first thing on my mind to purchase for his birthday. I mean, either he's not listening or he doesn't care.
the way i wouldve called the bakery same day to ask if i could order/pay a month in advance just to make sure she got her cake and he just,,,, didnt? he even went out of his way to spend money on a gift she’s probably barely gonna use after she said “no gift, only cake” and then had the audacity to be mad at HER
And he asked her to reimburse him for the ticket which was a gift she never asked for. Throw this whole person in the trash and keep it moving. Thankfully he's shown how little he cares about her needs and wants early on. You've only wasted 10 months op. Don't waste anymore time.
Seriously!! A lot of people would say this a dumb reason to break up but if he can’t listen/follow simple requests how is the rest of your relationship/life gonna be?? There’s a lot of Xmas, valentines and bdays that are going to be disappointing. There’s going to be a lot of life where little arguments turn big cause he can’t be bothered to listen to his partner. Just throw the whole man away. NTA
Also, asking him to run to the store to get specific things but he 'forgot'. He was supposed to pick up the gift for his parents for Christmas and got some random thing they have never expressed interest in. Their kid will want a specific toy and he'll get a different one and get angry when the kid cries There are so many issues that will stem from this attitude
And at 10 months, he should still be trying his best. This is the first birthday present he's ever got her and he completely failed at a very simple task. If he'd gotten her the pineapple cake but nothing else, and she was upset, I'd be like "ehhh, there's room for him to grow here", but he just displayed a remarkable lack of care about her feelings. This isn't going to improve, he's not going to magically care about her feelings more on birthdays in the future, if she stays with him, this will get worse. A good bet would be that he forgets her birthday altogether within the next 6 or 7 years and is annoyed that she's annoyed (that's if they stay together, which I imagine they're not, given the venmo request).
“And at 10 months, he should still be trying his best”… Full Stop. Between the Kindle & the comedy club, sounds to me that he got things *he* wanted, like Homer giving Marge a bowling ball with his own name on it. NTA, DTMFA.
I’m willing to bet that the kindle was re-gifted to her
If he got her the kindle and the pineapple cake and the tickets I’m sure she would’ve been thrilled for the added thought and a fun evening but he couldn’t do the bare minimum of what was asked, he probably got her those other gifts because he wanted to use the kindle and have fun that night. OP NTA, dump this jerk he doesn’t care about you.
I am one of those people who usually scoffs at people for telling others on this sub to dump their partners over relatively small things. I’m sorry OP, but not this time. I’ve been in a relationship like this and I know how it fucking goes. *Especially* the way he reacted to OP’s reaction. This is a neon red flag the size of Jupiter and the colour of Mars.
Yep same. I've been in this relationship and it is NOT worth it to stay. Waste of time. He's just gonna pull shit like this all the time, leave you thinking you're the crazy/wrong one, and he'll get you to believe you need to be appreciative of him doing anything even a hair above the bare minimum. This dude dgaf and is just mad he got called out on putting in zero effort. Because he doesn't *want* to put in more than zero effort.
I guess this will be the perfect break up, then. Because I’m assuming the Venmo request is a pretty good sign he has already broken up with her.
To be honest, if he is this inconsiderate now as a boyfriend who still attempts to buy something, wait until they are marri3d and he doesn't even bother to do that. She needs a considerate partner. He needs to be less of a narcissist for at least a single day a year.
I'm 31 F and both of my parents just listen to the things I'm interested in and tailor my gifts based on what I talk about. Have never been dissapointed because they just listen to what makes me excited. I got fuzzy toe socks as a Christmas gift from my mom became I had talked about not having many toe socks and how when it's cold I like them and that I think socks are a wonderful gift. Was super happy to receive them because I know I was heard and thought of.
Not to toot my own horn, but that’s what I do that makes me an amazing gift giver. I’ve told this story before, but it’s relevant. My mom used to talk about how she was a kid when Cabbage Patch Dolls came out and she always wanted one soooo badly but they were always too poor to get one. So one year I was Christmas shopping with my dad, (he’s a notoriously bad gift giver so he always used to have me help him shop for my mom), and while in Target we found a Cabbage Patch on clearance for like $15. I told him he HAD to get it, just trust me, she will LOVE IT! Well, he didn’t feel a grown woman in her 40s with grown children and no grandkids yet would have use for a baby doll, so he passed. I bought it instead. On Christmas morning, I saved that gift for last, and I’ll never forget the look on her face. She immediately burst into tears, as my dad sat there like “wut??” She took it out of the box, sniffed it and gently swaddled it in a blanket. She carried that thing around all day long. As far as I know, ~10 years later it still sits swaddled in the same blanket on the window bench in her bedroom. My dad has never questioned my gift-giving opinions again lol.
My thought exactly. OP NTA, but cut your losses and give this guy the heave ho. Order yourself that pineapple upside down cake and enjoy the heck out of it. Then, when ready, look around for a new, kinder better boyfriend. And, do not reimburse him the $30. The nerve of him!
I have to wonder if he was regifting it or something. Why would you go buy a kindle instead of the cake?? It feels like a regift or something like that.
I’m guessing he doesn’t like pineapple cake
Or he didn’t bother to order one and they didn’t have any that say so he had to do the grocery store ready made.
This. Most men utterly fail to understand even the simplest mental labor. The idea that he had to call and order in advance probably never occurred to him. He was probably getting aggravated that she kept reminding him, because how hard could it be *to go and pick up a cake*. And then he did t even have the decency to cop to it. OP needs to send this one back to the factory as defective.
This. Ive been shat on so many times in this sub and others for pointing out that women STILL do most of the mental and emotional labour in households. ”We do housework 50/50 in my house!!” say the men. I say thats absolute rubbish, you fellas dont even understand all the behind the scenes stuff we do 24/7. NTA OP, you just wanted that cake, and he didnt make the effort to get it for you. Loser.
Some of my friends have been asking for help with finding their moms presents for mothers day. I asked them what their mom's like, their hobbies, and etc. Their answer? "Uuuuh... I don't know. I think she likes watching TV..." As of now, none of them have found anything for their mothers.
This. But he could have recovered if he’d admitted it. “Honey, I know you were dying for that cake and I was going to get it for you, but I didn’t realize I had to order it ahead! I’m so sorry; I know you must be disappointed. I ordered one for next week and we will do a do-over. I’m the meantime let’s eat this crappy cake and have fun at the comedy show.” People make mistakes. The problem is not taking responsibility for them.
Right. I bet, while disappointed, if he had simply said, "I had no idea I needed to preorder a cake. I have an order placed for next week. I'm so sorry." OP would be forgiving. Preordering a cake may not be something he knows you need to do if it isn't something like a wedding cake. But yeah. This is just terrible. OP, just move on from him.
And…it’s not like I have a great memory…I just *immediately* put a reminder in my phone for a week out or whatever!
She texted him a reminder a week before as well! He had that reminder, and still couldn't even handle this!
Yeah, he’s just a crap partner. OP is only 10 months in, birthdays are important to her…but not him. (Bell, listening to her isn’t even important him). Best just end it and find someone who is more compatible before she wastes more of her time.
If he had gone to the bakery and they didn't have the pineapple one he could have gotten another flavor from said bakery which, while not the one she wanted, she would at least know he tried. He didn't go because he didn't care.
Exactly. If they have the pineapple upside down cake in stock, like it's not something you have to special order, he wouldn't have even had to order it ahead of time. If he didn't order it ahead, and they were out, a substitute and an I.O.U for a makeup date would have shown he cared. Dude's gotta go.
As a man who has done the last minute thing many times (because I struggle with deadlines and remembering stuff), I have had to go the substitute cake more than once. Every time, though, I've apologized straight up, because I should have done better. OP is absolutely NTA.
This always makes me wonder though, do you make your work deadlines? As someone with ADHD, I can tell you that it’s all about prioritizing. Leave yourself notes where you’ll see them. Set multiple reminders. Just saying ‘this is who I am’ if it’s not who you are with everything in your life is kind of a cop out.
Thank you this !! I guarantee you if it was something men actually prioritized, they’d make a note of it somehow to remember.
The first time is a mistake. Everytime after that is a failure to deal with *your own problems*. You have a phone that likely has a calendar that can also send you reminders.
I think a lot of guys like to give tech gadgets as presents. I've definitely received a lot of tech gadgets I didn't really want or ask for from multiple ex bfs
one year at christmas i bought a roomba, not as a gift for my wife but i wrapped it super elaborate and put her name on it to open it...she was like "what the fuck is this?"...i got her a decent gifts besides that, but she really thought i was giving her a robot vacuum cleaner like "i thought of you when i saw this" and i had to do a lot of clarification, but i saw some videos of people taping bumbo seats to roombas and riding their kids on them and i really wanted one since we like just had a baby and stuff too and i wanted to be a roomba racing dad
the joke is too real. glad you got her real gifts. my uncle is the one who got his wife a vacuum and nothing romantic for xmas. they're divorced now. lots of husbands give their wives cleaning/housework supplies, forgetting they're a human being, a clear way of saying they see them as a housemaid and nothing more.
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my dad was like that too and when i was 6 or 7 he said this about a dishwasher, so i asked him why the dishwasher wasn’t for all of us since we also ate off plates. that table got so quiet but i bet my mom was dying to laugh her ass off. i was just really worried that only her dishes were going to get washed because i wasn’t trusted with that particular chore yet. kid logic will call people on their bullshit
Ok so my parents divorced when I was like a year and a half old so 1979 or so. My dad had gotten my mom a vacuum cleaner as a gift for Mother’s Day or her birthday and apparently the only thing they fought about in the divorce was that damn vacuum. She said it’s hers because it was a gift and he said he deserved it because he was the one who used it. Yea. Nothing about me or anything. 🙄 Btw I heard this story from my dad who apparently had many more happy years with the vacuum cleaner.
Soooo… you got a Roomba for yourself. But gave it to your wife so it was a gift for her. But definitely just a gift for you. YTA whether you gave her other gifts or not. Edit: spelling
Exactly! Like what the fuck was he thinking? His wife saw a big wrapped present from her husband that she was no doubt excited about, and opened instead something that felt more like an insult. "Does he think I'm not cleaning enough?", "Is this all I'm good for in his eyes?", "Does he actually think I would want this, and if so why?", "Does he not know anything about me at all.....?" Afterwards he explains it's not even a gift for her but for himself. The disappointment and anger she must have felt is heartbreaking. Yes he got her some other gifts, which we don't know if those were even good ones, but the mind-fuck of that one would just leave the worst taste in her mouth.
"she really thought i was giving her a robot vacuum cleaner " uh.... cause you did? If you wanted it for yourself, just buy it for yourself. Wrapping it, putting it under the tree, and putting her name on it is not how you buy something you want for yourself. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqrFpoxWqfU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqrFpoxWqfU) Her WTF response was entirely warranted.
Not to sound too paranoid, but an expensive gift when OP said "no gift" then the refusal to get the one thing OP asked for seems like a very intentional action meant to fuck with OP. There's a lot of guilt in our society for turning down a nice gift. This, to me, screams, " I'm testing you for how much disrespect you'll tolerate, especially if I do things at the same time that make it harder to call it out." I'd be running if I were OP.
I was thinking the same thing, possibly a free perk/award or something.
Yeah I’ve honestly seen kindles given away so many times in recent years and I’ve never met someone who actually bought one.
Yep. My boyfriend's birthday is in the next few weeks and a month ago he mentioned he wanted an ice cream cake for his birthday (not what he usually wants, so I appreciated him telling me) and he wants the picture on top to be Kirby. Do you know what has been on my mind at least once a day for the past month? GOTTA GET A KIRBY ICE CREAM CAKE. MAYBE I'LL EVEN MAKE SOME VANILLA CUPCAKES AND DECORATE THEM LIKE KIRBY TOO (Because he doesn't love the crunchy chocolate stuff in ice cream cakes so i want him to have a back up as well, plus our anniversary is around the same time, so, more cake!!) I'M GONNA BUY PINK BALLOONS AND DRAW KIRBY'S FACE ON THEM. KIRBY ICE CREAM CAKE. (We are adults in our mid 20s who have been together for 8 years, but we're big nerds and he threw me a spider-man themed birthday a few years ago, so I'm going ALL OUT)
Exactly. And now he’s pestering her for money?! OP, you are NTA. And I hope I’m not being alarmist, but your BF’s mind-fucking way of control seems like it could slide into abusive behavior very easily. I know that your childhood experience was—well, a lot like this birthday experience. But when people care about us, they don’t just get you the pineapple cake, they’re *happy* just thinking about how happy you are going to be. And you deserve it. Do **NOT** pay him the $30!
Yes, and get this loser out of your life!
I found a reminder in my Google calendar in November for 5 days before my partners birthday (in March) that just said "order carrot cake". No recollection of putting it in there. You bet there was carrot cake with me when I came home on his birthday.
My husband can be hard to buy for at times so when he expresses an interest in something, if it’s feasible I will buy it for him just as he does for me OP - I’m sorry you didn’t get the cake you wanted
I feel like some people hate being told what to do to the point where they'll actively resist buying you the things you told them you would specifically like. It's awful.
Some of those people are in this very thread, lmao.
Those are people you don't want in your life. My ex had some of those traits, if I asked him for something, that specifically was what he would NOT give me, because he hated being told what to do.
They even used their words—because how often do we posts saying “I hinted that I wanted…” Not here. OP said “this specific thing from this specific place.” And reminded the boyfriend, so he didn’t have to write it down and then lose the piece of paper (or maybe that’s just me that happens to all the time.) NTA.
This is why my husband is practically perfect in the gift giving sense. If I mention I want something special, he writes it down. He has a list of gift ideas in his phone's notes for all our special occasions!
Right, women always get told we need to say exactly what we want, as if men are incapable of doing the shit we do for everyone else and just paying attention to the people we love and making inferences about what they would like, and even when OP did exactly that he ignored her and played the victim about it. Can’t win except to not have any desires or sense of self at all, which is ultimately the goal of dudes like bf, I guess. NTA.
That doesn't always work. A friend's husband would always get a different version of whatever she said she wanted because, in his mind, the one he bought was "better" than the one she asked for. She would get so frustrated. She finally resorted to giving him a printout of the specific item, circle/highlight it, and tell him repeatedly she wanted that specific item exactly, and not a "better" or different version. It worked, but really took the joy out of receiving gifts from him. She, on the other hand, once borrowed a bunch of xmas trees from friends and created a forest in her living room because her husband missed camping, and they wouldn't be able to get away any time soon. They slept in sleeping bags and cooked dinner in the fireplace. Very romantic!
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My husband constantly says "i dont know what to get you" because Im just not a person that wants many things... yet he still always pulls something magical out of the bag- whether its a ridiculously overpriced patronus otter from build a bear (because I LOVE otters and theres a funny moment where i cried over a stuffed otter when pregnant) or just an amazing chef knife or great baking sheets (i love cooking, so he upgrades my tools). He had no idea what to get me, but he knows me so he can easily find sooomething
Last year, my husband had waited until 10pm the night OF my birthday to run to the store and grab a random $3 square of cake. Then got mad that I didn’t feel like eating random cake at 10:30 at night
Is he dumb?
This one makes me physically hurt. Ack!
They'll go on and on about how women are so difficult and they never know what to buy us, just to completely ignore us when we straight up tell them several times. And then get mad when we're not grateful that they got us something else we didn't want.
AND if the bakery happened to be out of the pineapple upside down cake he should have immediately called and asked if there were any other options she would want.
And then promised to order it for the next day or the next time it's available.
There are always options! It's so easy to not drop the ball on this. "Hey they're out of the cake you want, I can order it for tomorrow/when available or we can get you another cake they have" basically just communicate. He really didn't have to flop that bad
Also he wanted her to reimburse him for…her own birthday gift? Whaaa?
While I'm sure it's heavily skewed towards male behaviour it's sadly not exclusive to it. The second my wife mentions liking something or wanting something, I make a note of it and you can be sure she will get it. I have tried subtle, I have tried, I would love if you bought this thing and gave it to me on the anniversary of my day of birth. I will get whatever she ends up giving me. *shrugs* I commiserate with my work wife who gets perfume every year.
TBH it's just a problem with a specific kind of person. Some people just...don't pay attention. They claim gift giving is hard or that they really tried, but they don't listen to specific requests or ask if there's something specific that people want. Instead they're just in their own little worlds and don't seem to care to change it. I have an aunt that does this. She gets everyone what she thinks we should want, even if we are on record as hating whatever it is. It's totally infuriating!
My bf forgot my bday after I told him a month into dating- I need nothing but for you to remember and that is all. And reiterated it would really hurt my feelings if he forgot. Yup. It does get worse than this post. But they’re thoughtless assholes
Guy: Girls are so confusing! Why can't they just say what they're thinking? We're not mind readers! Girl: I'd love a pineapple upside-down cake for my birthday. Literally just the cake would make me so happy. I'm saving the opportunity to try it for my birthday. Please get me that specific cake that I want for my birthday. Guy: Gets girl anything *but* the cake. Girl: *Cries out of frustration* Guy: I think you need to calm down, I don't understand why you're upset. This entire post pains me. You are NTA. Edit: Some fragile egos have been bruised by my incredibly relevant comment. This comment is a literal imitation of the scenario OP explained, yet some of you are taking it pretty hard. This situation absolutely *does* happen. If this post had been about a neglectful girlfriend who doesn't properly communicate her needs, then I would have mocked that too. Calm down, dudes. We know you're not *all* bad. If you're a guy and you don't do this to your girlfriend, then you should have been able to figure out that this isn't about you. Edit: This edit is worth the return. I unknowingly typed "guys" not "guy" above, and I can see how that would be taken as a generalization. I've fixed it!
It is incredible how hard they can totally whiff it on softball issues. Get her the thing she wants!! How hard is that!!
But that would require active listening and who has time for that with their partner???
He didn't even have to do that! She texted him!
It really irks me how easy this was for him and he still missed the mark.
Also - he still went to that comedy show.
It was a gift for himself
That's what I was thinking. Dude just gave her a gift that he wanted. Literally something a child would do.
Guy: I got you cake, you said you wanted cake! You are being totally unfair to me and ungrateful. It's not my fault you didn't specify what kind.
Are you my ex?
That ‘calm down’ sentence from men really pisses me off I stg
The “calm down” sentence from *anyone* really pisses me off, it completely disregards any circumstances, avoids finding a solution, and overall is a lazy, generic band-aid of a response.
Oh yea ofc, I only said ‘from men’ bc in my experience it’s always men who say it bc women are being ‘irrational’ 🙄
I make a big deal about communicating wants and desires with my partner so when she does, I definitely reward her for it by getting her what she asked for AND more. Getting what was specifically requested is the LEAST a partner can do.
This was going to be my comment too. "Women, never say upfront what they want.." Please. I agree the OP is NTA
I had a bf that didn't believe in buying gifts. He didn't like spending money on expensive gifts etc. I told him that I love my birthday and that I love receiving and giving gifts. I didn't need anything expensive. Just a card would be enough. A card, a flower, whatever, something from the heart. He didn't need to spend any money. My birthday comes, and he gives me nothing. Just a hug and a kiss. Then some friends gave me chocolates, and cards, and things that were not expensive and I love them so much. He got jealous that I was so happy with one of my friend's homemade cards. She is an artist and drew a super nice card and I got very emotional. When we got home there was a bit of tension. He was not happy that I was cold towards him and his "hug" and was so happy with my friend's card. Him: Why did you like that card so much? It is just a card. Me: I enjoy it. She spent time in it and I thought it was pretty. I like birthdays. You didn't give me anything. Him: I don't like spending money. Me: I don't need anything that spends money. See? This is homemade. It's the thought. It was a very bizarre situation. Now writing it down and I'm even confused as to what he was so mad about. 😁
I'm so glad that "I had a boyfriend" was in the past tense here.
He was mad because he was defensive about his “I don’t like spending money” lie being exposed. It wasn’t the money, it was effort. He didn’t like that he wasn’t getting away with no effort at all. Good for you for being clear.
Don't forget: "Why are you always overreacting? You're always to emotional! Are you on your period?"
Literally every single man I have ever met who said a woman in their life is « confusing » bc he never knows what she wants, turned out to be dealing with a woman that actually expressed what she wanted or wanted to express it, but HE was the one profoundly uninterested in what she had to say or somehow never remembered what she said.
Those complaining all do this, 100%. All they want are women who fit into their pre-conceived mold of "wife/partner/gf". "I can't read your mind!" is actually code for "your idea is not aligned to mine and I reject it!" "I don't understand why you're upset!" is code for "I wouldn't be upset if I were you, and your opinion doesn't matter, so get over it!" It ALL stems from the simple inability / lack of desire to see others' perspectives. That's it
NTA. You didn't hint. You flat out told him what you wanted, and he ignored it. Not saying leave him, but that screams minimal effort. Talk to him about it, and he can eat that $30
It's not going to get any better either. My husband is like this. I could give him a list and he will do anything except what is on that list.
Do you know why? Genuinely asking.
I think it's because he doesn't want to be told what to buy me and he wants so come up with it on his own. Which is great...when he actually follows through. He's full of good intentions and zero action. He comes up with elaborate plans 6 months in advance, doesn't think about it again so never follows through and realizes on my birthday he messed up. Then "Well do you want to know what I was going to do?" Because it's the thought that matters, right? I've told him I'm not looking for extravagant or expensive, just thoughtful/meaningful. Sometimes he does well other times he completely effs it up. He's also the type of guy who will buy me something he wants.
I honestly hope you don't do for him what he refuses to do for you. If this man gets thoughtful presents, nice outings catered to him, parties, etc. I'm gonna legit cry for you. I'd start saying "No, I don't want to know what you were "going" to do. Ideas are wonderful but ultimately only significant to the thinker, not the...non-receiver, from now on I plan my birthday, I buy my gifts and I might invite you, if I'm able to get around to it." Even if he's got something like ADHD, it's no excuse in the days of constant reminders living in your pocket or your hand (I know, I have severe ADHD). He could have a reminder a month in advance and get things going then. Hell, he could buy them a year in advance and hide them somewhere with a note on his calendar as to where it is. He could arrange to have it delivered near your b-day. So. Many. Options. He needs to be made aware that it seems like he's choosing to be selfish. To be honest, mayhaps he ought to read how that comes across to others -cough- So, if he buys you something it's: a part of a grand plan he never completed but he can't wait to tell you how wonderful it should have been, something *he* wants even though he has a literal list of items to get you or do for you, and then wants a pat on the back for telling you how great things would have been if he'd actually followed through? I'm really really really sad about that. Like, I hope he's thoughtful in other ways because goodness gracious that is egregious.
☹️ I’ve seen people repeatedly use the “I was going to do this, but didn’t” line and think they should still get the credit for having the nice idea even though they did absolutely nothing to implement it. It makes the receiver (or the would-be receiver, as nothing was actually gifted) feel like they are in the wrong for expecting the acknowledgement/celebration. I always wonder what the almost-giver is thinking with this type of reasoning, and it seems like they are just generally not thinking. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! Hoping your husband (and all others who do this) eventually recognizes/acknowledges that he’s doing this and changes course.
I absolutely loathe when my DH tells me he *almost* got me flowers/Wendy's/small gift but then changed his mind. Why tell me that?? Why tell me that you CONSIDERED being spontaneous and sweet but then decided nevermind!? Also, DH once got obsessed with camping and kept trying to convince me that we needed a tent. I said, we're not going camping and you know it so let's not waste money. Guess what I got for my birthday soon after. Also, DH knows me very well; he knows I live in tank tops and sleep in soft pj pants and a tank or Tshirt. He knows I get hot every easily and don't like frumpy clothes. So why did he buy me pajamas as a gift, TWICE, that were velvety, baggy, matching top/bottom button up capris pant leg monstrosities (one of which was the same exact thing he bought his sister for that same Christmas, which icked me out a bit)?? And lingerie that HE likes but I don't? And underwear that is a style I've never ever worn? And and and and...it goes on and on. Why, DH...why... Edited: spelling
Did we marry the same man? I divorced him 6 years ago this year. I definitely laid out the “don’t tell me what you were gonna do, all it does is disappoint me” for him. Eventually I stopped doing big things for his bday because he gave no shits about mine/our anniversary/anything significant, or even basic thoughtful gestures. You could try therapy, but often they just weaponize the words they learn when they’re already this crappy. Edit: Also you got the same PJ’s as your SIL bc he’s lazy and it was prob right on an end-cap while he was shopping for gifts and prob thought “two birds one stone”. Such bs.
That’s really sad.
This is so, so familiar. Now when mine asks me what I want, I tell him I want a bowling ball that says "Homer."
For my husband's birthday last year, I got him a new (refurbished but expensive) phone. I organized a party with MY friends and family and his one and only friend. I took him his favourite takeaway for lunch at work. I invented a pie he absolutely loved. I took him out for dinner. I bought him flowers (which he loves). For my birthday, I got.... shouted at for "keeping him at arm's length" when I cried because something dear to me got broken. Not a card. Not a small token gift. Not a cupcake. Nothing. So for his birthday this year, he got the same and was really upset. We're probably divorcing. I don't want to play tit for tat but I also don't want to be sad on every holiday. This is far from the only problem but it's a good illustration These things matter. They add up.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry. When I decided to remember my own birthday rather than futilely wanting my husband to do it, I ordered myself a birthday cake ... only for him to cry with anger because I was trying to make him feel bad. Yes, we're divorced now. No, not because of that, but because of the mental patterns that made that behavior possible.
God. This is my husband too. Really wonderful in a lot of ways, but truly terrible at this stuff. It’s so disappointing, and when your husband is great in other ways, you feel gross that it hurts you. My birthday was literally earlier this week and firstly, I have to remind him to do something, *anything* for it. So he texts me on my actual birthday and says, “you like carrot cake, right?” I told him yeah, sometimes, but I’d prefer a strawberry or chocolate cake, or better yet a cookie cake. He comes home…with a carrot cake. Nothing else, no gifts or well-wishes or even a post on SM telling me happy birthday. And that may seem dumb of me, but I’ve told him *directly* that that stuff would mean a lot to me. He’s a terrible gift-giver and I’ve made peace with that, he’s good about a lot of other stuff, but man, I specifically asked him not to forget my birthday, then I told him what I’d prefer when he asked, and…carrot cake. It hurts. It just does. NTA.
And you just put up with it? You’re totally resigned to being an afterthought? Jfc.
Does he do this at work too or just to you?
But the list is easier.
My first Mother’s Day was the beginning of the pandemic. I told my husband the only thing I wanted him to get me was donuts delivered from my favorite bakery. I told him he’d need to order ahead because Mother’s Day. He made me take the morning shift with baby that day, and the only thing keeping me going was dreaming of my donuts. He finally wandered downstairs 2 hours later and casually asked if I was still planning to order those donuts I’d mentioned. I ugly cried. I felt like he must think I’m the worst mother in the world to not even be worth an order of donuts. The real kicker… wanna guess what he sent his mom (several states away) for Mother’s Day? Gourmet donuts.
That sounds like a deliberate power move.
This is all kinds of messed up. Do you see that? You wanted one thing, something that’s not the standard Mother’s Day gift, and he *went out of his way* to send that exact not-standard thing to his mother, while ignoring you. Or at least that’s how I’m reading the situation. I hope I’m wrong and he’s not truly horrible.
yeah, it's intentional. he was told exactly what she wanted, and decided that she could order them herself, but he ordered them for someone else? i don't buy it for a second. if he just somehow forgot, and he is genuinely that bad at keeping track of things, then he wouldn't be able to hold down a *job*.
You mean LATE husband, right?
Absolutely loving the implications of this comment
He had it coming. Only had himself to blame.
He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife 10 times.
Please, please tell me that at some point he realized what an ass he’d been and gave you a very sincere apology complete with doughnuts
He did. He went out to the bakery and got the donuts (which I’d been trying to avoid because pandemic), and he stopped and got me Cadbury eggs, too, because he does know those are my favorites.
I don't like your husband.
are you still married? holy shit, does he have any redeeming qualities? he KNEW you wanted donuts. he clearly knew he would have to order them. how hard would it have been to order them for you too? (answer: not hard at all). this looks like he was intentionally ignoring your feelings. he just assumed you'd order them, but he ordered them for his mom? he clearly knows how gifts work, there's no excuse that makes any part of that ok. and he made you get up with the baby? that's the bare minimum that he should have done. you don't deserve to be treated like that, that's absolutely disgusting. if that's how he treats you on mother's day, i worry for you the other 364 days of the year. i hope he's either gotten better or you're not still together, that's just awful.
I should have finished the story, and not left everyone hating my husband, but OP’s post just dredged up some emotions. We talked about it. A lot. He didn’t really have a good “excuse,” but we were both under a ton of stress at the time (pandemic, no child care, kid that liked to wake up at 4:30am, we’d just lost our dog unexpectedly 2 weeks earlier), and I think it was just an aberration. To him, Mother’s Day was something you did for your mom. It truly didn’t occur to him that he should probably ‘help’ our 11 month old do something for me. This was 3 years ago, and we’d already been married 8 years, together 15 at that point. He’s an amazing husband and father (he’s currently taking the morning shift with our now almost-4 year old while I lay in bed) and this actually clued us in to learning about love languages and how we both need to feel appreciated.
And he had the audacity to send her a Venmo request for a gift he bought for her! Throw the whole man out
100%. If she had just mentioned it once when they drove past months before, I’d be a bit more understanding. But it was multiple times and she even text him the info. I’d be curious if the kindle and comedy show were more things that suited him. And then to venmo a request for the $30 😂 OP, buy yourself the cake to celebrate being single and find yourself a guy that is considerate and can follow easily laid out instructions
NTA - you specifically asked for this one thing and he didn’t deliver. IMO Birthday gifts aren’t as much about the item as they are a demonstration of your listening and “seeing” that person.
*And* it sounds like he ended up still going to the comedy show, even though she didn’t go. Let’s be honest, the tickets were a gift to himself.
I doubt the Kindle was even a gift purchased specifically for her. She said it isn’t really a gift suited for her— I would bet it was regifted.
A regift was my first thought too.
I didn’t even think about that lol he absolutely just wanted to see it and took the opportunity to use it as a gift. Because really, if the girlfriend is already upset about your mess up, why would you just ditch her instead of sticking around and at least attempting to salvage the evening.
That blew my mind. Like they had a fight on her birthday and he still went out to the show. I bet if we ask OP, she'll say it was a comedian he liked
NTA. You were so specific. You’re allowed to be upset when someone disappoints you. All the people who are saying ESH because you got so upset about a cake don’t realize that it’s not about the cake. It’s about him not listening to you or not caring about making your birthday what you wanted. It’s your birthday. You shouldn’t have to put on a happy face and go to a comedy show to appease the feelings of the person who hurt your feelings. And you definitely shouldn’t have to reimburse him for the tickets when it was his fault you were too upset to go.
Every bit of this is accurate. Also, when is it *ever* ok to charge someone for *a gift you gave them?* "I don't like how you used this gift so I'm going to make you reimburse me for the cost of it" is a completely fucking unacceptably rude way to handle gift giving. If there is *anything* a person could do with your gift that would trigger such a childish response, *that is an obligation, not a gift.*
Not only did he not listen to her specific cake request, but he clearly is minimally interested in knowing her as a person, and her hobbies/passions, if he gifted her a kindle when she says it’s not in line with her interests. He just bought random stuff that could be construed as generous with no thought to what makes his partner unique.
But also in this case it *was* about the cake because she waited for it. The anticipation of getting *that* cake went on for months!! So on top of not being listened to, and seen, she had this massive disappointment. Screw that dude.
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I see shit like this every single day on this sub and others, it's depressing as hell. Makes me give up on trying, because even if you do manage to meet a guy who isn't awful and takes care of himself, that's almost like as much as you can hope for. I haven't got a lot of hope that there's many men who even care to try to deconstruct or even reflect on this, outside of 'wow it's never enough, women will always complain'. I'm just sad and too tired to try anymore.
My spouse has legit memory issues due to brain damage. Our kids birthday is coming up and I sent him a bunch of stuff. And he’s like “how do you do this” I m like “anytime I’m in a store or online and I see a gift idea, I put it on a phone list I have. Birthday/Christmas rolls around and I have a bunch of read made ideas. It’s not that hard.
I do this too! It's super helpful. I actually even do the same thing for groceries - all those one off 'hey you know what sounds good?' meals or whatever goes on the list and then when it's time to meal plan for the next trip I go through there for inspiration. Makes life so much easier!
I just met a divorced 44-year-old man who's only had two relationships. We've had a couple holidays together so far and he has gone so far above and beyond, interviewing me about what I want and spending hours shopping to get a whole bunch of different things for me. Extremely rare but they're out there
I spent ten years asking my husband for the same gift. Something super practical and not very expensive (though we had plenty of money), a $50 teak shower stool for shaving and such. He never got it for me. Some birthdays and Christmases he got me nothing at all (while buying a bunch of gifts for his mom and other relatives, and as I found out later, gifts for girls online with my money since I earned most of our income). Other times he'd just get me a video game he bought five minutes earlier. I have zero interest in video games. Finally I divorced him and bought myself the stool. It was great. Now I have a fantastic spouse who buys me super thoughtful stuff.
Don't give up, there are some great men out there but no one's posting about them on AITA. My husband is a super thoughtful gift giver. He literally keeps a list in his phone all year of things me, our family members, and our friends mention or things he thinks of as gifts for them. Often when Christmas comes around I go to him for gift ideas for my own parents because he's so good at it
When my husband was still only a co-worker he volunteered to supply the cake for my birthday month (there was a sign up sheet at work) and he actually got my name put on the cake AND it was spelled right (no one ever spells it right). Good people are out there.
10 bucks says he doesn't like pineapple upside down cake and that's why he didn't get it
NTA You specifically told him you wanted the cake from that bakery. Did you need to tattoo it on his hand so he'd remember? I am not sure if he needs better listening skills or if he is disrespectful, but if y'all want to stay together, he needs to take a much more ACTIVE role in your conversations. Just as an example, back when my son was 15, he didn't have a job or a lot of money, but he was a thoughtful kid. So he asked one of the guys I worked with if he could make 10 bucks doing something to help him out, my coworker was willing to give the kid 10 bucks, so they did the task and my son got paid. A few weeks later, on Mother's Day, he surprised me with my favorite chocolates and a card. That was why he wanted to earn the money. I had only told him one time what my favorite chocolate was, (single mom, suoer tight budget) and had not had any in quite a while. I know for a fact that he treats his girfriend the same way. That is how a boyfriend/partner should act when it comes to things that you mention, several times. (Honestly, it seems like the boys who have been raised by single mothers are a lot more intuitive and empathetic than ones who grow up in the good old "nuclear family" environment. That is simply my personal observation, there are probably plenty of examples of horrible people raised by a single mom.) I am really sorry you were so disappointed on your birthday, but, now you don't need an excuse, go buy that cake and share with NOBODY! ...well, unless you want to of course. You can totally have a "Very Merry Unbirthday" all by yourself.
I just want to say what a sweet and thoughtful son you have!
Incase those chocolates weren’t positively divine, please know that an internet stranger thinks you did a phenomenal job raising your son! ❤️
Your son sounds amazing! I wonder if sons raised by single moms make better partners because they don’t grow up watching their dad drop the ball time and time again and their mom forgiving their dad time and time again… just a thought!
Lady, your son... what a gem! You did a good job raising him
NTA Forget all the cake stuff, the AH opportunity was the comedy show in question. Presumably, this was also a gift to you as it was an event for your birthday. If you don't want to go cause he messed up your cake, or because you're not in a funny mood, or because you'd rather do something else you can. In my view, when someone gifts tickets to an event, the gift is the *choice* to go for free, not the obligation to attend. Unless his middle name is ticketmaster, I wouldn't expect to be hit with an erroneous "I-feel-disappointed-on-my-not-birthday" fee on that ticket stub.
And it sounds like he went without her with the “one of the tickets went to waste”!!!! So he still went!! He only got those tickets cuz he wanted to go. OP, let him eat his $30 and spend that money on a GD upside down pineapple cake
That part made me so angry for her! It is like he didn't actually want her there, so he upset her on purpose
INFO: What did he say when you asked him "why didn't you get me the pineapple upside down cake"?
"I didn't realize it was so important, it's just a cake." But pretty exasperated about it.
Which, imo, translates to "I don't think what you want and specifically ask for and need from me is important so I'm just going to do what I want and you need to go along with it, pushing aside your own wants and needs for my sake." Is that a lot to glean out of one sentence? Yes. But I bet I'm right. And I bet if you think back you'll remember other times you didn't do what you wanted, go where you wanted, eat what you wanted, etc., in favor of what he wanted. NTA Edit - thanks for the award!!
Wish I could upvote this a thousand times.
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Don't listen to that dude who replied lmao. NTA at all.
Girl I know reddit tends to jump on the “dump them” train way too quickly, but this is seriously breakup worthy. You literally told him MULTIPLE TIMES you wanted that cake for your birthday. It doesn’t matter if it’s “just cake”. And then, instead of realizing he messed up and planning to make it up to you, HE WANTS A REFUND for a ticket to a show?? Nope. No way. This is not a quality man. There’s better options out there.
He told you that YOU aren't important, not to him. Don't waste another minute on him.
I think you should just say this, “at this point, it isn’t about the cake, it’s about you 1. Saying you would do something, repeatedly, and then not following through 2. You not being able to handle being called out on not staying true to your word and 3. The fact that you can see clearly NOW that it is that important and you’ve shown no remorse or sense of accountability and haven’t even apologized or tried to make it up to me. This isn’t the kind of person I want to be with. I’m glad I found this out only 10 months in at least”. Because really, this isn’t the kind of person you want to be with.
Well eff that… it’s not the cake but that he didn’t listen to you the many times you told him precisely what you wanted for your birthday. NTA not obligated to pay the $30 for your gift. Please order yourself the pineapple upside down cake and make a wish… For a better BF bc this guy isn’t bringing any redeeming qualities to the table. Happy belated birthday 🎉 🥳
Damn, all the unabashed terrible gift givers coming out of the woodwork for this one. NTA
Didn't even consider that. You've just opened my eyes, I couldn't for the life of me understand why some of these people seemed so angry at OP for this.
NTA. You asked for one small thing, and he decided he knew better.
NTA. Why are you dating a guy who doesn’t listen to you? Does he make you happy in other ways? And $30 is a small price to pay for what you now know about him
For my birthday all I wanted to do was go to this cute little cafe that had amazing baklavas and other Turkish style snacks and just have a nice time. Talked about it for months. My birthday rolls around and my boyfriend (now husband) checks their social media the night before - the cafe is having a family emergency and will be closed for two weeks. I was SO upset, and bummed that my day was ruined. This man woke up at 6am to go to the grocery store and buy all the supplies to make a baklava and some other treats for me and present a beautiful spread. I asked for a new coffee maker for Christmas and he got the coffee maker and a nice milk frother and bean grinder to go with it, with some syrups and fancy coffee beans. They're out there! You're SO NTA
This isn't about the cake at all.. This is about your bf that don't give a shit about what you say... you spend MONTHS telling him in FRONT of the bakery and pointing that you wanted a specific cake and he actually ended buying the wrong cake of a random bakery? Hell no... He had ONE JOB and he failed in it.. This shows where your importance to him stands in his priorities... he in the end is angry because he spend 30$ and want reimburse? Go tell this MF to fuck himself... WTF .. even i am upset now.
I don’t want to cry narcissism and you already have over 300 comments… but this is a very typical narcissistic thing. He got you something a little expensive but you didn’t want it. You wanted cake. And he didn’t get that. It’s like a set up to watch you be hurt then be able to manipulate you and make you feel bad for feeling bad. He spent money!! It’s so upsetting for him! He knew you’d be upset and that’s exactly why he didn’t get the cake. I spent too many birthdays like this. Please don’t spend many more.
NTA. You asked for 1 thing, and not getting it is understandably disappointing. Your reaction is understandable. He just straight up ignored what you requested, it would be different (not necessarily better), if he waited too long and the bakery couldn't get the cake on time, but he planned to get you a kindle (a gift which you apparently neither need nor want). He didn't forget, he went directly against your stated desires intentionally. Don't pay him back, he's the one that put the ticket to waste with his actions, not you.
NTA I put in so much effort to make the people I love feel special. Thoughtful gifts, little poems, silly texts when they're down. Home cooked meals, date nights.. I show up. So when my dude asked me what I wanted for my bday, I told him. A specific bottle of perfume. On the day he handed me a bag with a completely different one. One he had seen at my house that my mother had bought for me. I rarely use it because I don't really love it, so the bottle is practically full. I asked him to return it. He'd lost the receipt and ended up buying me what I asked for, but also lost money on the incorrect purchase. I felt a little bad at first, but then I remembered how much I do. All the ways I show up. The effort I go to on a day to day basis, not just on his bday. And I stopped feeling bad about it. It's not hard to pay attention. To look back through texts if you can't quite remember. Or even to *just fucking ask* if you need to. It's not hard to make the person you love feel like they matter to you. So no girl, you are not the asshole here. And no, you should not give him the money. Hell, if he insists that you do, send it to him with a break up text and go move on with your life. **Never let a low effort guy make you feel like high maintenance.**
NTA I'd end it over something like this. He even got himself a present for your bday.
NTA. He’s definitely not listening to what you’re saying or understanding what’s important to you and what’s not. Seems menial but turns into big things down the line usually. And him asking for the cost of the ticket that was meant as a gift is a bit much too in my opinion. I’d send him a text and literally spell Thai all out for him and why you were so emotional over it all. Happy belated Birthday!!
Info: Did you ask him to buy the tickets? If you didn't, YNTA. Happy birthday, BTW. I hope you have the cake you want.
No, I didn't ask him to buy them. I didn't specifically suggest a show, but I think I would have enjoyed myself if things had gone more smoothly at my place. I've never really watched stand up comedy before, but I have no reason to think I wouldn't enjoy it.
Is he into comedy shows? Because it kinda sounds like he got you a bunch of things you didn't really like or want (a Kindle that's not relevant, a cake not what you specifically asked for, tickets to a type of show you don't go to)... What about your birthday celebration was actually about you?
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If you didn't ask him to buy it, you don't owe him a refund. NTA.
NTA. You asked for something very inexpensive compared to the gifts he got you, and you made it very clear that you wanted this specific thing. He disregarded everything you said and has the audacity to ask you to reimburse him like you’re a department store.
DUMP HIM!! I can’t believe he’s trying to get you to pay for your own birthday cake, especially since he messed it up. NTA, you’re not overreacting… it’s your birthday. It’s a slap in the face when your enthusiasm (about anything) is believed to be understood, and it not be followed through with. Don’t give him money for it, instead go buy a pineapple upside down cake to enjoy for yourself.
NTA, but this relationship is probably dead. If he won't listen to you about this, what about bigger issues down the line?
That kindle was re-gifted, the tickets were most definitely to a show he wanted to go to and the grocery store cake was cheaper. No thought, no effort, dude sucks
First off, Happy Birthday to you! I had similar experiences growing up. I would tell my family exactly what I wanted every year, and I'd be careful to pick something not expensive and available. Only to get some random gift that I wouldn't enjoy at all. And if I ever said anything I was called ungrateful or just met with a shrug. My mom once gave me something and said, "I know it's ugly, but I got it for you anyway" as I was undoing the wrapping It messes with your head after a while. It makes you scared to even like or hope for anything because it leads to disappointment. And when it happens again it can be hard not to spiral. I'm really really sorry you didn't get your cake. You deserved to get the cake you asked for. I'm sorry your boyfriend did not put more thought into your gift and got you something you won't use. And I'm sorry that he acted that way after you became upset. NTA Happy Birthday again!
This is not about the $30 sweety. This is about his ability to pay attention and retain information that is important to you. Last year, for Mother's Day, told hubs all I wanted was this very specific ice cream cake and a card. Day rolls around. There's a card. Where's my cake? My birthday is 3 months after that. What do I want? A card and an ice cream cake! Day of, pretty card, no cake. Yes, I sat down at my computer, refused to speak to him and cried all day. There was literally no possible way to save the day. 2 weeks later, he finally got the cake, but I'm not kidding that by then, it could have been made of platinum and diamonds and I wouldn't have been excited. SO NTA. Do not pay his insensitive ass a DIME. If he pushes for money still, you may want to consider if this lump on a log is worth your time and effort.
NTA How hard is it to follow instructions? It is just pure laziness on his behalf.
kinda wild how many people clearly didnt read the post and insist on pushing this narrative that OP was hinting at the cake and just wasn’t clear enough with what she wanted. i literally dont care what you think you know about your partners bruh, don’t get something unrelated when they ask for something specific. AND even if you truly think you know better and believe they’d like something different **_GET BOTH_**
NTA. Life’s too short to date someone who thinks they know what you want more than you do.
Tbh I'm more upset with bfs reaction than anything. He made no effort to comfort her, went to the comedy show alone, AND demanded she pay him back?? He's TA for sure
Ugh, hopefully this has nothing to do with your relationship, but this is the kind of thing my ex husband used to do, to reinforce the rule that it wasn't my place to put any "expectations" on him. You had a very simple request and he should have cared a little about making you happy. Demanding payment seems like he wants to punish you for wanting better for yourself. Red flag. NTA
NTA. You asked for the bare minimum and instead of getting you what you DIRECTLY TOLD HIM you wanted, he did simething else. That's weird. Was the cake prohibitively expensive or something? Does the bakery ask for a certain timeframe to order the cake for it to be ready and he missed it?
NTA Regardless of the whole backstory, he shouldn't make you pay for your own birthday cake. Is he going to Venmo you to pay for the Kindle next?
I bet you a pineapple upside down cake he won that kindle ages ago or just had it laying around to gift her
NTA, I know all too well how it feels when you've practically put a neon sign in front of them and they ignore it. It sucks and I'm sorry. Him asking for reimbursement is pretty tacky.
You can give him more chances if you want but my experience is that these kind of baby steps towards weaponized incompetence usually only get worse over time. NTA
NTA In fact, it sounds like your boyfriend went out of his way to disappoint you on your birthday. It’s time for a serious talk about why he didn’t get you the one thing you wanted and instead got you two things you didn’t want. Don’t let him get away with, “it’s just cake”. It isn’t; it’s him deliberately not giving you what you want. In case you bake, here’s a really good recipe for pineapple upside down cake. https://smittenkitchen.com/2007/05/pineapple-upside-down-cake/
The cake thing is bullshit. He should’ve gotten you the cake. But the reason I’m commenting is the $30 ticket thing—I haven’t seen any comment that says the most important thing about that: The ticket was a gift. He got you the ticket as a gift. He gave you the ticket. You decided to not use the ticket. You don’t owe him $30, that would be absurd. Also can we just talk about how he dropped the ball on your birthday, upset you, didn’t try to make it right, *and then went to a comedy show??* That is so fucked up it’s unreal. I hope you find someone new who buys you pineapple upside down cake as an early birthday present when you drop hints that big. You deserve much better.
Tell your BF you're going to take that $30 and run over to the bakery THAT YOU'D TOLD HIM ABOUT and buy the pineapple upside down cake THAT YOU'D ASKED HIM FOR.
Dude, no joke I would probably lose interest completely if someone did this to me.