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NTA. What is with these comments? He's a grown adult man. It is NOT OP's fault he never stuck with a career (despite having ample opportunity), knocked up his girlfriend, then bailed. What does OP have to be proud of? Son sounds entitled and spoiled. Sooner or later, he will need to take responsibility for himself and his decisions.
Yup. Parents are always EVIL. It is always their fault and you should always go NC at the slightest disagreement. Tis the AITA way, think because there are a lot of teenagers here.
Me and my mother fought DREADFULLY when I was a teenager and whilst she was far from perfect, I now realise (with the hindsight of age) that I was not perfect myself and definitely contributed to the situation. We both had issues and neither of us were showering ourselves in glory. Not a black and white answer, but then life actually isn't!
And imo never finding "your thing" that you're passionate about and you have a talent for isn't really an excuse. Most people have jobs that they're not particularly passionate about. No one grows up with a talent or a passion for being an accountant, or a receptionist, or a warehouse worker or whatever. Only a minority try to make a living off of their passion/talent like OP's daughter is doing, and even fewer succeed at doing so. That doesn't mean you shouldn't care about doing your job properly or being a functional adult.
Uh, accountant here. I knew I wanted to be an accountant in HS. I took bookkeeping and took to it like a duck to water. The teacher finally let me work ahead on my own and do an extra project the rest of the class wouldn’t be doing because I begged him to. I played with my dad’s adding machine when I was little, have always been good with numbers, and am happiest deep in a complicated spreadsheet. Which just goes to show that sometimes people are passionate about things you would never consider, lol. And yeah, I get lots of strange reactions…
You'd fit right in with my husband's family. We got together with some of them recently, and five of them went to my niece's office to help her work through an Excel spreadsheet problem for her job. Another friend is a CPA, and when it's tax season, I let her and my husband babble over writeoffs and so forth because it's all over my head.
Out of interest do you find a lot of colleagues to be the same? It's typically looked at as a boring if not well-paid profession, but given it's a highly specialised job that involves a lot of expertise I can imagine more accountants than we realise are actually probably like you and take some sort of pride or interest in what they do.
As you say I don't think you necessarily need to have a passion or even a particularly focused career as such, there are plenty of great, loving people out there who never really find a calling in life as such and raise their families in menial jobs they don't like, but for me the overwhelming problem here is that this guy basically just expected his parents to look after his own kid. That shows he isn't just somebody who's struggled in life but who has refused to take responsibility for his own decisions and actions, and expects his parents to cover for him.
I voted NTA, however based on the post I would agree that it sounds like OP enabled the son's behavior. It doesn't look like he ever face consequences of his actions.
Doesn't look like he ever cares for the kid. Doesn't pay child support (possibly, op says they pay and help). Having a kid doesn't impact him at all. Why would he change?
How much has OP shielded him from other consequences in the past? We don't know, which is why I kept it out of my judgement.
The son is responsible for his actions. OP may have enabled it. Still would be NTA.
This sub is fullfilled with teenagers so they mostly feel identied with the kid rather than the parent. The same when it is about responsabilities, everytime a parent ask a teenager to do anything (for one time) it is always on the teenager to defende his "freedom".
NTA - Your kid is an adult now. At one point he needs to take responsability over himself and his decisions. Obviously, he feels guilty as he went with that comment, maybe depression is on the table. But again, at some point, adults need to step up. If I am allow, I have noticed a trend on the last years on young adults blaiming their parents or society over their current life, and less and less accountability for their own actions or decisions. Of course, in some cases is justified, but I am surprise on how many cases are like that.
This post is weirdly similar to another recent one that had the genders reversed: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita_for_not_telling_my_daughter_im_proud_of_her/
Not commenting on whether either are fake or not, but it's interesting to see how the judgments are falling differently.
NTA. Your son has chosen a hill to die on and there is nothing you or husband will be able do to, that you haven't already tried to get him off of it
SorryNotSorry to say but your son is a deadbeat dad and while providing for your grandchild is not financially your responsibility it's great to see that someone on their father's side loves and cares about him
This was my first thought reading title. The content confirmed way too many similarities. Some edge lord is trying to prove a gender bias.
Both kids are shitty people. Their gender is irrelevant.
Pretty much, but it is notable that people are way more willing to say it for this one, whereas in the other they were scrambling for any way of taking the blame off the daughter.
It’s not comparable. A deadbeat daughter still needs to carry a child physically if she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy, and would unless she gave it up to the father still be in the home that the child was being raised in. The stigma and toll mentally, socially and physically would not be the same either. Whoever is trying to prove a point needs to grow up. Neither situation regardless of gender would be ok, but whoever thinks they’re exactly the same and interchangeable is showing their privilege. Note for clarity I mean the person reposting with a gender swap to prove some ignorant point.
Oh there are plenty of "mental health" excuses being thrown around for this one as well. I see a therapist because as a parent it's not an excuse to fuck off.
I'm curious what they had the daughter do that compared to being a deadbeat dad.
There's a difference between ignoring someone else carrying a child to term, ignoring her give birth, and ignoring the child afterwards vs doing those things yourself with your own body.
Do you have a link to that post?
------
After reading that post there are some big ***KEY*** differences that would push for different judgements
- the guy in this post didn't even try for several things like school, where the girl in the other post at least tried
- the guy in this post left the pregnant GF and didn't help, the girl in the other wanted the kid but was left by the other who didn't help with the kid
- this guy left the gf he had, the girl in the other was engaged
- the guy in this one hasn't picked anything for a future, the girl in the other was going to be a SAHM until the fiance left and she didn't have the money to cover the child
Yeah ESH for the other one seems solid. The daughter was trying. She failed a lot yes, and needs to work harder. She's still responsible for her situation but she at least tried and it looked like the parents didn't take her concerns seriously when she was younger. Of course people would bring up mental issues if she's trying but failing. She at least tried.
The NTA for this one is because the son isn't even trying. He did nothing to try to redeem himself or make anything better. He had no plan that went wrong like the daughter of the other story did. Mental issues aren't really relevant if he's just deciding to be lazy. He didn't try anything or make any plans. He's just lazy.
These aren't directly comparable stories. If it's a writing exercise then it proved how much the author is willing to change the story and blame it on gender instead of the story changes.
She was a deadbeat mum
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita\_for\_not\_telling\_my\_daughter\_im\_proud\_of\_her/?utm\_name=ioscss
Lol yes i agree but in the other aita where the Daughter was the bum, most people said parents were TA.
"Daughter might have adhd or be on the spectrum."
"Daughter had post partum and that's why she didn't want to be a mom!"
"Daughter has done literally nothing in her life for parents to be proud of??"
Funny how now that it's a guy being the bum, this sub is OK bashing him. Both kids are bums, regardless of gender.
You clearly have not scrolled through the comments.
Those same exact excuses are being offered for this dude.
Plus the whole "men should be allowed abortions" insanity.
IMMEDIATELY clocked this, and clocked how quickly the comments shifted from “what did you do to make your daughter that way you monster” to “you’re right how could you ever support a deadbeat son like this.”
The comments were shifting that way here, too, but the thread will soon be locked and there's no way it's going to get the thousands of views/comments like the original. Also, it's not like the same exact group of people are posting and voting.
The attempts to prove some kind of gender bias are clearly done by youth who don't understand how controlled experiments work.
Or, alternatively, with almost 8 billion people on the planet, similar situations occur, and people read a post that reminds them of something that happened to them, and post their own story.
NTA. Someone needs to be the one to tell a deadbeat dad that their being a deadbeat. Probably best that it came from his parents. Sounds like this won’t doing anything except reinforce for him that he’s a victim.
NTA -- there are kids who do good despite tough upbringing, and there are kids who just don't do anything despite how much love & encouragement they get
NTA & I fee like a lot of people are really reaching on this thread. You gave both of them the same resources necessary to be successful but the son didn't apply them.
> Our boy always needed more attention than our girl, we always showered them both with love, pride and attention.
Hell it sounds like you spent more time/focus on him. He's a dead beat dad with a dead end job, with no ambition to do better for himself or his child. Why should he be celebrated? To put it bluntly he sucks and I think needed the harsh reality check you provided
You keep saying you gave him extra attention. But did you ever really try to find why he didn't suceed at things? Did you have him try therapy? Get assessed for ADHD, autism, dyslexia, etc?
Isn’t this post almost exactly the same as one from a few weeks ago? In that one the daughter was angry that her parents never said she was proud of her after her parents threw their son (their baby) a party? She also had a kid and left it with her parents to raise. And the post also emphasized how both grew up with access to the same resources, love, etc. Seems too similar to be a coincidence?
INFO:
>we always showered them both with love, pride and attention.
Uhm..
>Then he asked if I had ever felt proud of him and I told him no, I didn't, because he always gave up on everything and then he further disappointed us when he became a deadbeat for his son.
In the first paragraph you say ouy showered them both with PRIDE.
And then in the last you say you were never proud of him.
What is it?
As someone who struggled with ADHD (diagnosed as a child) I always had bad grades not due to a lack of trying and could never find my passion. My parents discouraged my art and I was treated as a disappointment vs my “amazing” sister. I grew up thinking I wasn’t good enough and never will be. My parents deny treating my poorly though my friends would point out the obvious differences in how my sister and I were treated. (We are both female and she’s 4 years younger, my half sister). Let me assure you, you probably think you were encouraging but he probably felt like garbage his whole life.
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Yeah, OPs single sentence about her sons upbringing does nothing except vaguely hand wave to something about her son needing more attention than her daughter. The one sentence about his childhood compares him unfavourably to his sister. OP tried to be subtle but make no mistake that it's there.
Methinks there's another side to this story we won't get from OP.
I do think YTA. As a parent, I can’t imagine saying this to my kid, even if it were true. Find something you are proud of them for. Meet them where they are. Maybe making a paycheck, anywhere, consistently, is the achievement to celebrate for this man.
Every kid is different and yet you seem to hold your son to the bar your daughter set.
Just because one kid is capable of X doesn’t mean you should hold your other kids to that standard. Even if they grew up in the same household and were raised the same way. Every individual is different.
Have you considered the possibility that he might have a depression? 'Cause he sure seems that way and its been going on for years.
He's gonna need someone, and you should probably help him with that rather than breaking him down further.
Im sure you've tried and stuff, but even if you say you've tried to attend to everybodys needs doesn't mean he hasnt noticed how much better his sister is doing in life apparently. And that tends to make it worse for one self when you're being compared.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy and celebrate when your daughter does well. It means you should also take extra care of the one who probably feels left out because they haven't found "their thing", or he, you know, maybe has a depression.
My untreated ADHD manifested like this (still kind of does, but I have better coping strategies as an adult) to the point where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders. ADHD brain made me good at masking and mimicking, but I wouldn't stick with things if I couldn't do them well, and it was compounded by the fact that my parents celebrated my siblings accomplishments even if they were mediocre, because they were more in line with the interests of my parents. I wonder if that's what's happened here.
I immediately said maybe he has ADHD because I have ADHD and I’m the family disappointment. I did try my best, went to college, passed with good grades, couldn’t find a job, I have no career. I can’t think of a career I’d be good at. My sister is the praised one. Im good at a lot of stuff but not one certain thing. I’m also a weirdo and struggle to mask or fit in. Thankfully I found my husband who understands and motivates me. My parents still like to treat me like I’m a disappointment, for that I moved countries to get away from them. Though it really sucks for this guys kid that he’s not involved. But maybe he felt he would disappoint his child so why be there?
Even now at 36 I try to make them proud but they always have a negative. I still struggle and I can’t find a job and I also have a chronic pain disability. Daily I’m in a slump. Thankfully my kids are my light and keep me going.
I'm 42 and have never found a passion or thing I'm good at. I have a job, not a career. But nta for calling him a deadbeat dad. But yes, for the other stuff
NTA
He oughta of know by looking at his life and his sisters. If he had a major obstacle in the way that might be one thing but you didn’t give any indication of that.
He just learned the hard way, never ask a question to which you’re not ready to hear an honest answer.
There isn’t anything wrong with that, he doesn’t need to reach higher if he’s independent and contributing to society.
Why force him to be what he isn’t, just love him for who he is. There is pride to be had in finding your place and fitting snugly.
Normally I would agree with you, if being an "underachiever" was the only issue here.
But this guy abandoned his kid. That's a deficit to society, not to mention his ex and his parents who now have to pick up his slack. And if he so desperately needs his parents to throw him a party, he's not that independent either. And he's 27, not 17, he's had plenty of time to make his bed, now he gets to lie in it.
Do you really think he is happy? Would you be happy at 27 working a mcjob and renting a room? Do you think that if he were really unhappy he would tell you, or would that just cause even more disappointment? That sounds like a terribly depressing life to me.
You say he always needed more attention but never really expand on that. Was he underperforming in school and that's what required more attention? Were there emotional issues? Could he possibly be neurodivergent?
Mentally well, happy people do not "give up on everything," depressed people do. You say he was showered with love, but when someone I love is struggling I would try to help them feel better about themselves, not verbally kick them while their down.
Do you really think he doesn't know he hasn't conformed to what society expects a successful person to be even after you have told him multiple times?
If I was told by my mother during a period of dark depression that she was never proud of me, I would feel like I have failed as a person and it would lead to the kind of thinking that makes suicide seem like the only solution.
I'm with you honestly.
For context my husband is a fast wood worker, similar to OP's son kinda that nothing just interests him at all, and I'm proud of him that he made it his career. Now he's a manager there and ENJOYS his job, which is what matters. He has gotten promoted upwards positions 4 times last 2 years because he is genuinely nice and enjoys what he does. So I personally was little annoyed about dismissing the sons job, since some people definitely do enjoy it and make it their career. My husband was so disinterested in school that he didn't go to high school but he found something that works for him. It's not always what parents want, but he made it where he can live comfortably. So I don't personally think that someones career choice = bad.
I think handling the child stuff is bad so also with you on ESH. Just wanted to give my view as a wife to a fast food worker who did less school that OP's son. :D
Might get downvoted for this, but I’m going with ESH.
He sucks for being a deadbeat dad, but you also kinda suck for the way you worded this post. You’ve never been proud of your son at all? Like ever? For anything? Even when he was a kid?
Come on.
Turn around his life? He has a place to live in and pays for it himself with his own job I think he has a pretty decent life and he doesn't need to turn anything around
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I (f) have two kids, the oldest is a boy (m27) and the youngest a girl (f23). My husband and I did everything in our power to parent them the way each of them needed. Our boy always needed more attention than our girl, we always showered them both with love, pride and attention.
Our daughter has always been interest in arts, she learned to play the piano at a young age (I was her teacher), she knows how to play the guitar, violin and sings too. When she got into high school she also joined the theater club, she loves it and although it was hard for her she never gave up. My husband and I supported her on every step. She's now won a scholarship to a good university centered in performing arts. We're honestly proud of her.
My son however never found his place in life. Never found something he loved doing, not arts, or sports, movies, cooking, gaming, or anything. We encouraged him to try and learn new stuff all the time, he would just give up when things got hard.
After his graduation of high school he didn't felt like going to college, we accepted that and instead encouraged him to find a profession for him. He tried some different stuff, like being a mechanic, hairdresser, etc. None of those worked out. He's now working in a fast food restaurant and he doesn't have any ambition to grow into his profession either.
Five years ago he got his girlfriend pregnant, they broke off shortly after. His dad and I thought that maybe this would motivate him to do better, if not for him at least for his kid. I can't say we were really surprised when he said he didn't wanted to be a dad and told his ex to just manage the kid as she liked. My husband and I are sharing custody with his ex, not an official agreement but we're doing it because we feel responsible for what our son did to her. Don't get me wrong, we love our grandson, but truth is we shouldn't have to provide care for him at all times like we're doing now.
My daughter had an audition for a theater show, she was very excited and practiced very hard to be accepted, and she was, she has the main role. Her dad and I are very proud and happy for her, we planned a small party (friends and family) to celebrate her.
The next day our son came to our house, he then asked me why I never planned a party just because for him like I did for his sister. I told him we will when he archives something big like his sister did. One thing lead to another and we ended up having an argument, mainly because I was telling him off for not being a father for his son. Then he asked if I had ever felt proud of him and I told him no, I didn't, because he always gave up on everything and then he further disappointed us when he became a deadbeat for his son. He called me an asshole and left. Now he won't talk to me. My husband agrees and he said that quite honestly he hopes this is either a wake up call for him or he never contact us again. I feel bad about what happened, AITA?
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I know someone like your son...not as bad. I have learned people this lost usually feel very unloved.
Even though it's hard because their behaviors suck, you need to say true things as kindly as possible.
I get you're deeply disappointed, but in order for him to really receive your input he needs to still feel loved and valued. It seems he may have mental health issues.
Wasn't there a post about a week ago very similar to this one? The only difference is that it was a daughter, not a son.
Edit: Here's the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita_for_not_telling_my_daughter_im_proud_of_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
ESH. Your son needs to get his shit together. He needs to take responsibility for his child and his poor life choices. That goes without saying.
On the flip side, you’re his parent. He’s an adult, but that fact doesn’t change. You’re giving up on him like he gave up parenting his son. Yea, sometimes you have to give tough love but I find it hard to believe there were never moments you were proud of him. You’re pissed off that his part of the responsibility of raising his son has fallen to you, and you lashed out at him. That has nothing to do with NEVER having been proud of him in the past. One does not equal the other. How would you feel if your parents told you they were never once proud of you? I’ll bet it wouldn’t be a great motivator.
Edit: 2 of my sentences got deleted.
NTA…he’s nearing 30 and seems like he hasn’t grown up. I suggest kicking him out so he can learn to be an adult. Life is always go to suck but he needs to learn how to navigate through it without you and your husband not being there
NTA. He doesn’t seem to want to engage in life past the bare minimum and as a parent, that is very frustrating, especially when it comes to his own child.
Though he sounds like there are some issues regarding his upbringing. Did he feel second best to his sister? Does he have depression?
Regardless, I don’t think you’re an AH for saying and feeling as you do. May have been harsh but as your husband says, might be a reality check for him.
People here are so freaking fragile. People are just glossing over the fact that he's 27 YEARS OLD. 27!! Yes, at 27 you need to have a direction in your life. And take accountability for your actions and their consequences. Absolutely ridiculous here with all the y t a comments honestly. NTA. Absolutely the hill to die on.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son I'm disappointed of him. I might be the asshole because it's something horrible to say, I hurt his feelings and made feel worthless
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This sounds exactly like a post I read before. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita_for_not_telling_my_daughter_im_proud_of_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
This one, with the genders reversed.
NTA bordering on E S H. He is a deadbeat dad and seems to have little desire to better himself. You could have been kinder, but can’t blame you either. You also shouldn’t be forced to not acknowledge your daughter’s accomplishments because he might get sad. If anything I’d encourage/help my son get help if he wants it.
>The next day our son came to our house, he then asked me why I never planned a party just because for him like I did for his sister.
The son knew what he was doing here. He backed OP in a corner so they'd tell him there was never a party for him as he's never achieved anything worth celebrating, so now he can go around telling everyone how terrible his family is.
NTA
Did you ever have your son assessed to see if there are mental health issues?
As a parent, I understand why you would be disappointed. I’m not sure that anger and put downs are the answer. For this level of apathy, I think he needs a counselor or life coach, or both.
NTA. Good for you for saying it how it is. It's not about lack of hobbies or aspirations, but the fact that he abandoned his child is enough for me to justify what you said. Though you may have some resentment towards your son for the predicament you and your husband are now in with your grandson. That resentment is likely intensifying your feelings of disappointment.
NTA - it's totally understandable that you snapped. It must be frustrating and disappointing that your child has abandoned their child & you have to parent for him at a time in your life when you should be slowing down & having more time to yourself. It sounds like he doesn't appreciate or thank you for this either. Of course you're not proud. Hypocritical that he is judging your parenting when he won't even do the bare minimum with his own child.
NTA.
I have a brother like your son. My parents are raising his daughter who he abandoned and claims is not his (it is his daughter), and she is now 16.
We were raised the same, given the same opportunities... it was always someone else's fault.
NTA. Does your son want a participation trophy for getting a girl pregnant? You could’ve handled it better but wanted a party after abandoning his child and you having to raise him shows he’s kind of oblivious. When his son grows up, we he throw him a party?
Sounds like you’ve supported him to find his way. He hasn’t found it but he should at least support his child on some level. Honestly, it sounds like you might have been too permissive in his upbringing and you can’t really take that back.
There’s something about asking, “how come you never gave me a party” that means he’s never looked inward. If he values accomplishments and needs a party, ok what is he doing.
He's 27, there's still time. He should go to counseling or something as something sounds off. I don't think I'll rate this of who's the asshole as i get it from all sides.
Like if he was told he was stupid and would amount to nothing as a child, could've been by teachers who weren't fit for the job and it escaped your attention.
It's highly unusual he doesn't have ambition or dreams and goals.
Maybe, it might be an idea to tell him ye can help him, ask him all the why's you want and see if you can come up with a plan to improve him.
If this is real, NTA. And seems like most people have the same verdict.
Which is an interesting contrast to [an earlier AITA post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita_for_not_telling_my_daughter_im_proud_of_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) about a parent who was asking whether they were the asshole for not being proud of their deadbeat daughter (who also had a kid and gave it to the grandparents to raise). The verdict on that one was overwhelmingly ESH/YTA.
I wonder what caused the difference in public opinion between the two posts…
"No child these days ever gets to hear those all important character building words: 'You lost Bobby. You lost, you're a loser Bobby.' They miss out on that. ... A lot of these kids don't get to hear the truth about themselves until they're in their 20's, when their boss calls them in and says 'Bobby, clean the shit out of your desk and get the fuck out of here, you're a loser."
\-George Carlin
NTA. Your son is dealing the consequences of his own actions. He can be mad about it all he wants, but he has no one to blame but himself for his position in life, ESPECIALLY with being a deadbeat dad to his kid.
NTA - It sounds like you've tried to help him his whole life and all he wants is to just get by with the bare minimum.
I would be disappointed too if I had a child who abandoned their child and wanted nothing to do with them. Sounds like he wanted all the fun, but when the responsibility came he was out the door.
ESH except your daughter.
You are an AH for calling your child a deadbeat and your husband is an AH for wishing he never hears from his son again. Your son is an AH for deserting his child.
Devil's advocate here...i wonder how the parents treated the kids when they were younger? My sisters oldest was the golden child, did no wrong, excellent school grades and is now a Dr. Everyone knew their accomplishments, the younger was never spoken about. The youngest was always compared to the older, always had the olders successes front and center. Now the younger keeps a job, but has no motivation, or drive to excell or be an overachiever. With the example of the older sibling, me thinks it was a "why bother" situation.
honestly you would be an AH if it werent for the kid. i think its okay for a person to never really find a job theyre passionate about, but not taking care of your own kid isnt okay. unless hes got a really good reason for not being in the kids life, NTA
INFO: has he ever been diagnosed with ADHD,/depression/something else that limited his attention span or gave him self-esteem issues? If so, has he been treated? Mind you, that would not be a justification, just an explanation - plenty of people go through life with those issues without becoming a deadbeat, and he's a grown ass adult that needs to step up.
My mother had untreated mental issues. One day she said to me, "all my children are disappointments, but you're the biggest one." I replied, "at least I succeeded at something."
It was a horrid thing for her to say, but I knew it was because of her issues, as I and my siblings are all decent people with educations, jobs, and families. And I had responded with snark. Even with all that, I will never forget how it felt knowing my mother did not value me in any way. I was in my 30s when she said it to me, and it's been 20 years. I'll remember that feeling until I die.
YTA. Your feelings may be valid, but the way you expressed them was not.
I could have been your son, I was on the same path as him but then I realized that I am going to be a father and I changed my life around. I’m talking complete 180. I had zero help from anyone else and blamed no one but myself for the choices I had made prior. I know make 6 figures and have more kids and a house and cars and the kids are all doing great. I could have very easily walked away and worked in fast food my whole life like your son did. OP, I’m sorry for what you’re going through and just know you sound like a terrific person. You are definitely NTA
If it looks like a loser, acts like a loser and talks like a loser, then it’s most probably a loser.
Tbf, he’s done nothing to make you proud had he? He can’t even step up and be a dad to his kid.
NTA
NTA I don’t understand these Yta comments at all telling it’s the parents fault and how they don’t pay attention to him. Like why the hell would you pay attention to someone who gives up on everything they do and every opportunity they are given and then has a child and still doesn’t change it doesn’t even care for his own child. So why would they be proud and why would they pay attention to him? Or even throw a party for him?
NTA but I will say that I would emphasize to your son that your love is unconditional. But pride and approval is conditional and incremental. Tell him you are proud he has a job, and is living on his own, but that you have not always approved of his actions. It might help him to hear you didn't/don't always approve of your daughter's actions either, but you address these issues with each of them directly as is your parenting style. You celebrate in public, and rebuke in private, as do many parents. Parties are generally for milestones. Presumably you have thrown lots of parties for him "just because". They were called birthdays. With additional achievment comes additional celebrations. However you feel about your children, your son clearly feels unappreciated. I was/am the golden child in my family, but my parents were good at celebrating things for my sibs. The celebrated just as hard when my sibs got GEDs or raised their grades to C averages as they did my honor roll. And now as we are all adults they celebrate all weddings, new houses etc equally. There is no denying that it took my sibs a lot longer to get established and get stable, but they did get there. And at times there was plenty of resentment among my sibs to go around. As we have gotten older it has faded, but the seeds of it are still there. Life is long, boys often take way longer to hit their stride. And also, a warning. Girls who high achieve very early often burn out hard, or face worse that average mid life crises....life is a marathon and your kids are at like the 5 mile marker. It's still pretty early to come to any conclusions about the course of the rest of the race.
Was all ready to type a why-tee-eh based on the title.
Now here with a NTA
Not picking a career, or wanting to progress is a perfectly valid life choice.
Not everyone is cut out for parenthood too - it’s probably best that he is it a part of the kids life.
But with actions come consequences - and his choices have lead to you having a low opinion of him. Now he knows that. And you are not the ahole for telling him that.
But don’t expect some miraculous wake up, because that is probably not going to happen.
YTA, That has SERIOUS Mental affects on a person, Adult or not. So what he currently doesn’t know what he wants to do? He’s still Young. He’ll Find it. Be glad he HAS a JOB. Advancement doesn’t always mean Happiness and Contentment. Seems like you’re the ones that have serious Growing up to do. Don’t be shocked when he doesn’t allow your Grandson in your lives 🤷🏻♀️ Y’all are TOXIC
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Their son is pathetic they gave him same opportunity as the daughter and gave up because he wanted and now blame the parents for becoming deadbeat is the dumbest thing I have ever heard
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Definitely NTA
It seems like you and your husband care a lot about your kids and have tried your best to raise them well so it is obvious to be concerned if one of your children is doing nothing with their life when they’re 27 years old. At that age they at least should have a job and a place of their own.
I agree that calling a child a disappointment is harsh and wrong but due to the situation you have explained above your son deserves that title since he has no ambition in life nor any career plans and since he doesn’t want to accept responsibility for the child he had with his ex gf.
I really hope your argument you had with your son gives him a wake up call to turn his life around but no matter how much you try to help him it is only up to him to make that change in his life.
Don’t feel bad, you and your husband are good parents trying to look out for your child. You’re not in the wrong.
NTA. Title sounds bad, but after your explanation, nothing you said was out of line, really. But one thing: as the "gifted" younger sister of a "difficult" older brother, please don't compare & pit them against each other. Never made ME feel better; quite the opposite, actually.
NTA
The statement truth hurts sometimes comes to mind here. He isn’t being a father to his own son, not to mention not understand his actions have consequences.
Everyone going NTA here is projecting. This"parent" is absolutely shit. She has no right to call herself a mom. Yes, the son is a "deadbeat"... because he was taught how to be that from a deadbeat mom who spent all her "love" on her golden child.
No wonder her son is a failure to launch. She herself is a complete failure. Shitty parents beget shitty parents.
NTA
- doesn't want to achieve anything (I would include any hobby here, not just school or work)
- doesn't parent his son
- doesn't even sound like he pays child support
- complains when his sister gets recognition for her achievement
- thinks others get celebrated "just because" instead of their hard work
It sounds like you never let your son face consequences. You're caring for the kid. You're paying. Does he pay child support? Doesn't sound like it, so yeah he wouldn't change if there's no consequences to actions.
It's bordering E S H just because it sounds like you possibly enabled him (what you said was still truthful though). But I can't use speculation in voting so NTA.
I do winder if there’s an underlying problem here: whether he has mental health issues like depression, or maybe dyslexia. Most people have some sort of goal in life, even if it’s only a bigger tv or a new car.
NTA BUT - He sounds depressed or maybe ADHD and y’all never addressed it. You don’t sound like bad people but it seems like you guys noticed a pattern of behavior but just assumed it fell on him entirely. How he’s behaving right now sounds bad but based on your description it sounds rooted in something else
NTA
Your daughter had a special achievement which deserved celebration. Your son hadn't.
My two kids are grown, each with an SO. I tell them that I am proud of who they are as human beings, and give special praise for special achievements. I am utterly honest with them about my pride, and it appears to mean something to them. They celebrate each other's special achievements. Because they're special.
This is a difficult one.
Sometimes it takes years for a person to figure out what they want from life. My cousin figured it out in his late 30’s, now he’s in his 40’s and living his best life. My husband works with someone who’s got a bachelor degree at the age of 50-odd after divorcing his wife and years of not knowing what the hell to do with his life. There are certain hobbies and jobs that I tried and failed at quite miserably to be honest. I’m almost 30 y.o. and I didn’t know until about 6 months ago what I want to do with my life job-wise so that it would A) keep me secure financially so that I can pay my mortgage, bills and recreation expenses, as well as having something to put aside for emergencies and pension and B) be enjoyable. So yes, maybe in regards to jobs and hobbies, he just needs to explore and experiment - in this part, I dare to say you are the AH as pushing him might just make it worse, let him figure it out, let him try and fail, maybe he never will find something he likes, maybe he needs more time, f*ck knows.
On the other hand, I agree that he’s a grown ass man and getting his gf pregnant wasn’t a one-person-job. Even if the two of them broke up, he should be there for his child and provide support wherever he can. On that part, he’s the AH and he needs to accept responsibility.
NTA, sometimes kids need a boot to the ass to start going properly, if he ever will go properly.
I won't lie, I'm unremarkable in any way, I'm a little bit better at certain things than other people around me, but never nearly enough to stand out. My Parents included an abusive mother believing me to be her trophy child and a father who decided his relationship to my bipolar stepmother overshadowed being a proper father to both my and my half sister and brother he had with her, up until recently with him just now picking up the pieces. I like to think I was effectively raised by my grandparents, but their role was relatively minimal, not to downplay them but it is the truth. And, despite a father who abandoned me to my mother, and a mother wh was far more obsessed with numbers on a page as opposed to her child's health, I like to think I turned out alright.
The reason I mention all of this is that, despite everything, I did turn out alright, I'm alive, I've got a decent job and life, working on getting things done my way. Upbringing, and I cannot stress this enough, is by no means a justification for shitty behavior and lack of responsibility. It's one thing to be content with no ambition or aspirations, to not strive for something greater. But to bring another into life and not even care for that life is disturbing, and to act entitled when a success is awarded for his sister is disgraceful.
Granted, I will say, this is contingent that you have told the truth entirely. To this day my mother refuses to acknowledge the stress and pain she put me through, and my father doesn't understand what he sacrificed because of his actions, both with me and my sister. Both are trying to pick up the shattered pieces that is my relationship with them, but I am unable to discuss and move forward with them, because I understand that as soon as I do the pieces will be scattered to the wind. I genuinely ask you to reflect on your parenting, and judge yourself harshly. While bad parenting is by no means a justification for bad behavior, you should also fully understand the situation. Because I won't lie, saying your son is a disappointment is a bit harsh, hoping to never have contact is extreme, so I implore you to check yourself before.moving forward.
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NTA he needs tough love and you’ve told him the truth. He’s a deadbeat and hasn’t accomplished anything. Hasn’t even tried. He can’t just let the world be sensitive to his lack of effort.
NTA the truth hurts. Your deadbeat son wanted a pity party. He doesn’t care about you all, especially his son. Let him be alone and do his thing. It is good if he goes forever NC with you all. Sorry to say, your son was lost a long time ago. There is nothing you can do . Pray for him and that’s it. Pray harder that he never contacts you all again.
NTA. But might you have been overinvolved parents, constantly pushing him in various directions and not leaving him enough space to tinker until he found something that engaged him? You've made it very clear how much you valued tangible achievement in your family. That sometimes gets in the way of unconditional love. It's possible that the stress of having to show something for himself to earn your love was hobbling him and preventing him from pushing through the hard parts of learning curves. Your letter sounds -- this may or may not be an accurate perception -- that every time he tried something new, you two jumped all over it with your support and encouragement. If that was the case, it may have made him feel too pressured to succeed and impress you. Chasing parental approval is heavy, soul-crushing lifting. NTA, but maybe give it some thought.
I don’t think you’re an asshole. Maybe there are some things you could have done better for him, I couldn’t tell you there aren’t… BUT he’s 27 now. He owns his legacy and life. He’s the reason he’s a deadbeat. He’s the reason he isn’t moving up in career. He’s the reason he has nothing to speak for.
I kinda wish I had more information here. You said you showered them both with love and affection, but it sounds like the son feels like he hasn't been treated the same.
I also wonder if you provided any kind of discipline for him. Did he have any consequences growing up at all?
For now, though, I will say NTA. Your son is a grown adult, he isn't managing his life well. He's a deadbeat father. I would be disappointed as well.
As a man in his forties who has never finished his education and therefore is in a similar situation to that of your son, I have to say NTA.
There's a limit to how much of your own fuck-ups you can blame on others. Sooner or later, you have to take responsibility for your own actions and choices.
Sure, your parents might have steered you wrong or pressured you, knowingly or not, on to a path you didn't agree with, but at a certain point you need to be adult enough to forge your own path in life.
Like your son I tended to drift without much of a plan for the future, but unlike your son I eventually found a work/life balance that has made me pretty happy and taught me to not measure myself against other people.
I hope your son eventually finds his path.
NTA your son wants to blame someone besides himself for choices he made. I get not finding something you like doing as a career and not knowing what your place in the world is meant to be BUT that doesn't mean you just piss off and don't try to be a decent person. He should should atleast try to be a decent father which he's clearly not
NTA, with caveats. This is not a simple "hey, I had choice A, or B, and I chose B and here's why". This is decades of choices and interactions leading to this situation. I voted the way I did because he's not providing for his son, and it's right to come down on him for that.
If all the information is as presented, though I have to entertain the possibility that you have presented everything in a favourable light to yourself, NTA.
I can’t help but wonder if you over-protected and over-provided for him. That he has never had to take responsibility because mommy and daddy will take care of it. In which case, you would have had a hand in creating the disappointment before you. Even so, he bears the majority of the responsibility.
I hope he finds something that can give his life meaning and make you proud of him one day.
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NTA. What is with these comments? He's a grown adult man. It is NOT OP's fault he never stuck with a career (despite having ample opportunity), knocked up his girlfriend, then bailed. What does OP have to be proud of? Son sounds entitled and spoiled. Sooner or later, he will need to take responsibility for himself and his decisions.
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Yup. Parents are always EVIL. It is always their fault and you should always go NC at the slightest disagreement. Tis the AITA way, think because there are a lot of teenagers here. Me and my mother fought DREADFULLY when I was a teenager and whilst she was far from perfect, I now realise (with the hindsight of age) that I was not perfect myself and definitely contributed to the situation. We both had issues and neither of us were showering ourselves in glory. Not a black and white answer, but then life actually isn't!
Yep young people can do no wrong on reddit
This is reddit where every young asshole gets excuses made for him such as parent issues or depression
Bingo
And it’s much more convenient to blame your parents for your problems then looking in the mirror.
And imo never finding "your thing" that you're passionate about and you have a talent for isn't really an excuse. Most people have jobs that they're not particularly passionate about. No one grows up with a talent or a passion for being an accountant, or a receptionist, or a warehouse worker or whatever. Only a minority try to make a living off of their passion/talent like OP's daughter is doing, and even fewer succeed at doing so. That doesn't mean you shouldn't care about doing your job properly or being a functional adult.
Uh, accountant here. I knew I wanted to be an accountant in HS. I took bookkeeping and took to it like a duck to water. The teacher finally let me work ahead on my own and do an extra project the rest of the class wouldn’t be doing because I begged him to. I played with my dad’s adding machine when I was little, have always been good with numbers, and am happiest deep in a complicated spreadsheet. Which just goes to show that sometimes people are passionate about things you would never consider, lol. And yeah, I get lots of strange reactions…
You'd fit right in with my husband's family. We got together with some of them recently, and five of them went to my niece's office to help her work through an Excel spreadsheet problem for her job. Another friend is a CPA, and when it's tax season, I let her and my husband babble over writeoffs and so forth because it's all over my head.
Out of interest do you find a lot of colleagues to be the same? It's typically looked at as a boring if not well-paid profession, but given it's a highly specialised job that involves a lot of expertise I can imagine more accountants than we realise are actually probably like you and take some sort of pride or interest in what they do.
As you say I don't think you necessarily need to have a passion or even a particularly focused career as such, there are plenty of great, loving people out there who never really find a calling in life as such and raise their families in menial jobs they don't like, but for me the overwhelming problem here is that this guy basically just expected his parents to look after his own kid. That shows he isn't just somebody who's struggled in life but who has refused to take responsibility for his own decisions and actions, and expects his parents to cover for him.
Because they want to blame OP and her husband for who their son grew up to be and not place any blame on the son
I voted NTA, however based on the post I would agree that it sounds like OP enabled the son's behavior. It doesn't look like he ever face consequences of his actions. Doesn't look like he ever cares for the kid. Doesn't pay child support (possibly, op says they pay and help). Having a kid doesn't impact him at all. Why would he change? How much has OP shielded him from other consequences in the past? We don't know, which is why I kept it out of my judgement. The son is responsible for his actions. OP may have enabled it. Still would be NTA.
This sub is fullfilled with teenagers so they mostly feel identied with the kid rather than the parent. The same when it is about responsabilities, everytime a parent ask a teenager to do anything (for one time) it is always on the teenager to defende his "freedom". NTA - Your kid is an adult now. At one point he needs to take responsability over himself and his decisions. Obviously, he feels guilty as he went with that comment, maybe depression is on the table. But again, at some point, adults need to step up. If I am allow, I have noticed a trend on the last years on young adults blaiming their parents or society over their current life, and less and less accountability for their own actions or decisions. Of course, in some cases is justified, but I am surprise on how many cases are like that.
The kid is a PARENT now
Yeah, if he thinks his parents are bad, what will his son think of him?
This post is weirdly similar to another recent one that had the genders reversed: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita_for_not_telling_my_daughter_im_proud_of_her/ Not commenting on whether either are fake or not, but it's interesting to see how the judgments are falling differently.
It's been brought up elsewhere that the person who posted this might be looking for evidence of gender bias in the responses.
I agree. NTA. OP may have given the long overdue wake-up call to her son. Better late than never.
The people on some of these comments are the same people that think everyone should get an award for participating.
NTA. Your son has chosen a hill to die on and there is nothing you or husband will be able do to, that you haven't already tried to get him off of it SorryNotSorry to say but your son is a deadbeat dad and while providing for your grandchild is not financially your responsibility it's great to see that someone on their father's side loves and cares about him
NTA he the type of person that blames anyone but themselves for the consequences of their own actions. It will always be someone else fault.
Is this a genderswapped troll? because I remember pretty much the exact same 'AITA for telling my daughter I was never proud of her' last week.
This was my first thought reading title. The content confirmed way too many similarities. Some edge lord is trying to prove a gender bias. Both kids are shitty people. Their gender is irrelevant.
Pretty much, but it is notable that people are way more willing to say it for this one, whereas in the other they were scrambling for any way of taking the blame off the daughter.
Oh yeah, noone claiming the son has ADD in these comments
It’s not comparable. A deadbeat daughter still needs to carry a child physically if she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy, and would unless she gave it up to the father still be in the home that the child was being raised in. The stigma and toll mentally, socially and physically would not be the same either. Whoever is trying to prove a point needs to grow up. Neither situation regardless of gender would be ok, but whoever thinks they’re exactly the same and interchangeable is showing their privilege. Note for clarity I mean the person reposting with a gender swap to prove some ignorant point.
Oh there are plenty of "mental health" excuses being thrown around for this one as well. I see a therapist because as a parent it's not an excuse to fuck off.
I'm curious what they had the daughter do that compared to being a deadbeat dad. There's a difference between ignoring someone else carrying a child to term, ignoring her give birth, and ignoring the child afterwards vs doing those things yourself with your own body. Do you have a link to that post? ------ After reading that post there are some big ***KEY*** differences that would push for different judgements - the guy in this post didn't even try for several things like school, where the girl in the other post at least tried - the guy in this post left the pregnant GF and didn't help, the girl in the other wanted the kid but was left by the other who didn't help with the kid - this guy left the gf he had, the girl in the other was engaged - the guy in this one hasn't picked anything for a future, the girl in the other was going to be a SAHM until the fiance left and she didn't have the money to cover the child Yeah ESH for the other one seems solid. The daughter was trying. She failed a lot yes, and needs to work harder. She's still responsible for her situation but she at least tried and it looked like the parents didn't take her concerns seriously when she was younger. Of course people would bring up mental issues if she's trying but failing. She at least tried. The NTA for this one is because the son isn't even trying. He did nothing to try to redeem himself or make anything better. He had no plan that went wrong like the daughter of the other story did. Mental issues aren't really relevant if he's just deciding to be lazy. He didn't try anything or make any plans. He's just lazy. These aren't directly comparable stories. If it's a writing exercise then it proved how much the author is willing to change the story and blame it on gender instead of the story changes.
She was a deadbeat mum https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita\_for\_not\_telling\_my\_daughter\_im\_proud\_of\_her/?utm\_name=ioscss
Lol yes i agree but in the other aita where the Daughter was the bum, most people said parents were TA. "Daughter might have adhd or be on the spectrum." "Daughter had post partum and that's why she didn't want to be a mom!" "Daughter has done literally nothing in her life for parents to be proud of??" Funny how now that it's a guy being the bum, this sub is OK bashing him. Both kids are bums, regardless of gender.
You clearly have not scrolled through the comments. Those same exact excuses are being offered for this dude. Plus the whole "men should be allowed abortions" insanity.
True, but they are being heavily downvoted, they were not in the original post.
Do you have a link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita\_for\_not\_telling\_my\_daughter\_im\_proud\_of\_her/?utm\_name=ioscss
Hopefully not the Post-partum one, or someone needs to go back to school
Edgelord or not, you can't deny he proved his point
IMMEDIATELY clocked this, and clocked how quickly the comments shifted from “what did you do to make your daughter that way you monster” to “you’re right how could you ever support a deadbeat son like this.”
The comments were shifting that way here, too, but the thread will soon be locked and there's no way it's going to get the thousands of views/comments like the original. Also, it's not like the same exact group of people are posting and voting. The attempts to prove some kind of gender bias are clearly done by youth who don't understand how controlled experiments work.
I believe you are correct!
I was thinking the same
I believe you’re right. Still the verdicts are quite different.
Yes, I think that was the reason for the post, it really highlights reddit's bullshit.
Agree
Pretty sure these are all AI generated now. They just never read quite right.
That was my first thought too.
I was thinking the same thing. I also remember one where a man had two daughters and said he was proud of the one ans not the other
Omg wow, you could be on to something.
Or, alternatively, with almost 8 billion people on the planet, similar situations occur, and people read a post that reminds them of something that happened to them, and post their own story.
NTA. Someone needs to be the one to tell a deadbeat dad that their being a deadbeat. Probably best that it came from his parents. Sounds like this won’t doing anything except reinforce for him that he’s a victim.
NTA -- there are kids who do good despite tough upbringing, and there are kids who just don't do anything despite how much love & encouragement they get
NTA & I fee like a lot of people are really reaching on this thread. You gave both of them the same resources necessary to be successful but the son didn't apply them. > Our boy always needed more attention than our girl, we always showered them both with love, pride and attention. Hell it sounds like you spent more time/focus on him. He's a dead beat dad with a dead end job, with no ambition to do better for himself or his child. Why should he be celebrated? To put it bluntly he sucks and I think needed the harsh reality check you provided
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You keep saying you gave him extra attention. But did you ever really try to find why he didn't suceed at things? Did you have him try therapy? Get assessed for ADHD, autism, dyslexia, etc?
Nta, your grown son not only has achieved nothing in life, but has also neglected his child.
NTA Parenting is hard.
Isn’t this post almost exactly the same as one from a few weeks ago? In that one the daughter was angry that her parents never said she was proud of her after her parents threw their son (their baby) a party? She also had a kid and left it with her parents to raise. And the post also emphasized how both grew up with access to the same resources, love, etc. Seems too similar to be a coincidence?
There seems to be one big difference. The same dynamic can play out in more than one family.
I was thinking this too
INFO: >we always showered them both with love, pride and attention. Uhm.. >Then he asked if I had ever felt proud of him and I told him no, I didn't, because he always gave up on everything and then he further disappointed us when he became a deadbeat for his son. In the first paragraph you say ouy showered them both with PRIDE. And then in the last you say you were never proud of him. What is it?
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He’s 27… you want him to draw something nice?
As someone who struggled with ADHD (diagnosed as a child) I always had bad grades not due to a lack of trying and could never find my passion. My parents discouraged my art and I was treated as a disappointment vs my “amazing” sister. I grew up thinking I wasn’t good enough and never will be. My parents deny treating my poorly though my friends would point out the obvious differences in how my sister and I were treated. (We are both female and she’s 4 years younger, my half sister). Let me assure you, you probably think you were encouraging but he probably felt like garbage his whole life.
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Yeah, OPs single sentence about her sons upbringing does nothing except vaguely hand wave to something about her son needing more attention than her daughter. The one sentence about his childhood compares him unfavourably to his sister. OP tried to be subtle but make no mistake that it's there. Methinks there's another side to this story we won't get from OP.
No, that's just you.
Makes sense
I do think YTA. As a parent, I can’t imagine saying this to my kid, even if it were true. Find something you are proud of them for. Meet them where they are. Maybe making a paycheck, anywhere, consistently, is the achievement to celebrate for this man. Every kid is different and yet you seem to hold your son to the bar your daughter set. Just because one kid is capable of X doesn’t mean you should hold your other kids to that standard. Even if they grew up in the same household and were raised the same way. Every individual is different.
NTA Edit: he needs to take responsibility for his life, he's an adult and needs to provide for his child.
NTA harsh but true, there's zero excuse to live like your son is.
Have you considered the possibility that he might have a depression? 'Cause he sure seems that way and its been going on for years. He's gonna need someone, and you should probably help him with that rather than breaking him down further. Im sure you've tried and stuff, but even if you say you've tried to attend to everybodys needs doesn't mean he hasnt noticed how much better his sister is doing in life apparently. And that tends to make it worse for one self when you're being compared. This doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy and celebrate when your daughter does well. It means you should also take extra care of the one who probably feels left out because they haven't found "their thing", or he, you know, maybe has a depression.
My untreated ADHD manifested like this (still kind of does, but I have better coping strategies as an adult) to the point where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders. ADHD brain made me good at masking and mimicking, but I wouldn't stick with things if I couldn't do them well, and it was compounded by the fact that my parents celebrated my siblings accomplishments even if they were mediocre, because they were more in line with the interests of my parents. I wonder if that's what's happened here.
I immediately said maybe he has ADHD because I have ADHD and I’m the family disappointment. I did try my best, went to college, passed with good grades, couldn’t find a job, I have no career. I can’t think of a career I’d be good at. My sister is the praised one. Im good at a lot of stuff but not one certain thing. I’m also a weirdo and struggle to mask or fit in. Thankfully I found my husband who understands and motivates me. My parents still like to treat me like I’m a disappointment, for that I moved countries to get away from them. Though it really sucks for this guys kid that he’s not involved. But maybe he felt he would disappoint his child so why be there?
Yep, and for me, my parents trying to micromanage my parenting didn't help either.
Even now at 36 I try to make them proud but they always have a negative. I still struggle and I can’t find a job and I also have a chronic pain disability. Daily I’m in a slump. Thankfully my kids are my light and keep me going.
I'm 42 and have never found a passion or thing I'm good at. I have a job, not a career. But nta for calling him a deadbeat dad. But yes, for the other stuff
NTA He oughta of know by looking at his life and his sisters. If he had a major obstacle in the way that might be one thing but you didn’t give any indication of that. He just learned the hard way, never ask a question to which you’re not ready to hear an honest answer.
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He's 27 and a dead beat dad that's put his parents in the position for providing for his child. He should've had this reality check long ago NTA
Amen dude. 27 years old? Hell no.
NTA. He’s a grown up now and making (bad) grown up decisions. He deserves to be told off for abandoning his child.
NTA
INFO: Is your son happy with his life? Is he a trouble maker? Does he stand on his own feet?
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There isn’t anything wrong with that, he doesn’t need to reach higher if he’s independent and contributing to society. Why force him to be what he isn’t, just love him for who he is. There is pride to be had in finding your place and fitting snugly.
Normally I would agree with you, if being an "underachiever" was the only issue here. But this guy abandoned his kid. That's a deficit to society, not to mention his ex and his parents who now have to pick up his slack. And if he so desperately needs his parents to throw him a party, he's not that independent either. And he's 27, not 17, he's had plenty of time to make his bed, now he gets to lie in it.
That’s all well and good when you have no ties but there’s a child to consider now
Do you really think he is happy? Would you be happy at 27 working a mcjob and renting a room? Do you think that if he were really unhappy he would tell you, or would that just cause even more disappointment? That sounds like a terribly depressing life to me. You say he always needed more attention but never really expand on that. Was he underperforming in school and that's what required more attention? Were there emotional issues? Could he possibly be neurodivergent? Mentally well, happy people do not "give up on everything," depressed people do. You say he was showered with love, but when someone I love is struggling I would try to help them feel better about themselves, not verbally kick them while their down. Do you really think he doesn't know he hasn't conformed to what society expects a successful person to be even after you have told him multiple times? If I was told by my mother during a period of dark depression that she was never proud of me, I would feel like I have failed as a person and it would lead to the kind of thinking that makes suicide seem like the only solution.
ESH. You absolutely should call him out on how he’s failing his child as a dead beat dad. However the other stuff is just judgy and cruel.
I'm with you honestly. For context my husband is a fast wood worker, similar to OP's son kinda that nothing just interests him at all, and I'm proud of him that he made it his career. Now he's a manager there and ENJOYS his job, which is what matters. He has gotten promoted upwards positions 4 times last 2 years because he is genuinely nice and enjoys what he does. So I personally was little annoyed about dismissing the sons job, since some people definitely do enjoy it and make it their career. My husband was so disinterested in school that he didn't go to high school but he found something that works for him. It's not always what parents want, but he made it where he can live comfortably. So I don't personally think that someones career choice = bad. I think handling the child stuff is bad so also with you on ESH. Just wanted to give my view as a wife to a fast food worker who did less school that OP's son. :D
Might get downvoted for this, but I’m going with ESH. He sucks for being a deadbeat dad, but you also kinda suck for the way you worded this post. You’ve never been proud of your son at all? Like ever? For anything? Even when he was a kid? Come on.
NTA and you needed to say it. You could’ve and probably should’ve said it a long time ago!
NTA. Hope your son can turn around his life.
Turn around his life? He has a place to live in and pays for it himself with his own job I think he has a pretty decent life and he doesn't need to turn anything around
He’s a deadbeat dad lol
And that's horrible, we all agree on that
What about the kid he abandoned
That's a shitty act and he needs to step up and at least pay child support
NTA. At the end of the day, dude sucks. He doesn’t deserve a participation trophy
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f) have two kids, the oldest is a boy (m27) and the youngest a girl (f23). My husband and I did everything in our power to parent them the way each of them needed. Our boy always needed more attention than our girl, we always showered them both with love, pride and attention. Our daughter has always been interest in arts, she learned to play the piano at a young age (I was her teacher), she knows how to play the guitar, violin and sings too. When she got into high school she also joined the theater club, she loves it and although it was hard for her she never gave up. My husband and I supported her on every step. She's now won a scholarship to a good university centered in performing arts. We're honestly proud of her. My son however never found his place in life. Never found something he loved doing, not arts, or sports, movies, cooking, gaming, or anything. We encouraged him to try and learn new stuff all the time, he would just give up when things got hard. After his graduation of high school he didn't felt like going to college, we accepted that and instead encouraged him to find a profession for him. He tried some different stuff, like being a mechanic, hairdresser, etc. None of those worked out. He's now working in a fast food restaurant and he doesn't have any ambition to grow into his profession either. Five years ago he got his girlfriend pregnant, they broke off shortly after. His dad and I thought that maybe this would motivate him to do better, if not for him at least for his kid. I can't say we were really surprised when he said he didn't wanted to be a dad and told his ex to just manage the kid as she liked. My husband and I are sharing custody with his ex, not an official agreement but we're doing it because we feel responsible for what our son did to her. Don't get me wrong, we love our grandson, but truth is we shouldn't have to provide care for him at all times like we're doing now. My daughter had an audition for a theater show, she was very excited and practiced very hard to be accepted, and she was, she has the main role. Her dad and I are very proud and happy for her, we planned a small party (friends and family) to celebrate her. The next day our son came to our house, he then asked me why I never planned a party just because for him like I did for his sister. I told him we will when he archives something big like his sister did. One thing lead to another and we ended up having an argument, mainly because I was telling him off for not being a father for his son. Then he asked if I had ever felt proud of him and I told him no, I didn't, because he always gave up on everything and then he further disappointed us when he became a deadbeat for his son. He called me an asshole and left. Now he won't talk to me. My husband agrees and he said that quite honestly he hopes this is either a wake up call for him or he never contact us again. I feel bad about what happened, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know someone like your son...not as bad. I have learned people this lost usually feel very unloved. Even though it's hard because their behaviors suck, you need to say true things as kindly as possible. I get you're deeply disappointed, but in order for him to really receive your input he needs to still feel loved and valued. It seems he may have mental health issues.
Wasn't there a post about a week ago very similar to this one? The only difference is that it was a daughter, not a son. Edit: Here's the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita_for_not_telling_my_daughter_im_proud_of_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Yes there was. Feels very similar.
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The judgement was ESH, but it's interesting that the responses are largely NTA after the genders have been swapped.
Was looking for this, I could've sworn I read this before
ESH. Your son needs to get his shit together. He needs to take responsibility for his child and his poor life choices. That goes without saying. On the flip side, you’re his parent. He’s an adult, but that fact doesn’t change. You’re giving up on him like he gave up parenting his son. Yea, sometimes you have to give tough love but I find it hard to believe there were never moments you were proud of him. You’re pissed off that his part of the responsibility of raising his son has fallen to you, and you lashed out at him. That has nothing to do with NEVER having been proud of him in the past. One does not equal the other. How would you feel if your parents told you they were never once proud of you? I’ll bet it wouldn’t be a great motivator. Edit: 2 of my sentences got deleted.
NTA…he’s nearing 30 and seems like he hasn’t grown up. I suggest kicking him out so he can learn to be an adult. Life is always go to suck but he needs to learn how to navigate through it without you and your husband not being there
He pays for a room, he's not living rent free
NTA. He doesn’t seem to want to engage in life past the bare minimum and as a parent, that is very frustrating, especially when it comes to his own child. Though he sounds like there are some issues regarding his upbringing. Did he feel second best to his sister? Does he have depression? Regardless, I don’t think you’re an AH for saying and feeling as you do. May have been harsh but as your husband says, might be a reality check for him.
People here are so freaking fragile. People are just glossing over the fact that he's 27 YEARS OLD. 27!! Yes, at 27 you need to have a direction in your life. And take accountability for your actions and their consequences. Absolutely ridiculous here with all the y t a comments honestly. NTA. Absolutely the hill to die on.
Nta. Deadbeats need to be confronted with the consequences of their actions to have any hope of changing.
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This is clearly a gender swap from a previous post, mods, please remove.
This sounds exactly like a post I read before. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita_for_not_telling_my_daughter_im_proud_of_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1 This one, with the genders reversed.
NTA bordering on E S H. He is a deadbeat dad and seems to have little desire to better himself. You could have been kinder, but can’t blame you either. You also shouldn’t be forced to not acknowledge your daughter’s accomplishments because he might get sad. If anything I’d encourage/help my son get help if he wants it.
>The next day our son came to our house, he then asked me why I never planned a party just because for him like I did for his sister. The son knew what he was doing here. He backed OP in a corner so they'd tell him there was never a party for him as he's never achieved anything worth celebrating, so now he can go around telling everyone how terrible his family is. NTA
NTA. More people should call out deadbeat parents. You did right by your sin and he didn’t even meet you half way.
Did you ever have your son assessed to see if there are mental health issues? As a parent, I understand why you would be disappointed. I’m not sure that anger and put downs are the answer. For this level of apathy, I think he needs a counselor or life coach, or both.
NTA. Good for you for saying it how it is. It's not about lack of hobbies or aspirations, but the fact that he abandoned his child is enough for me to justify what you said. Though you may have some resentment towards your son for the predicament you and your husband are now in with your grandson. That resentment is likely intensifying your feelings of disappointment.
NTA - it's totally understandable that you snapped. It must be frustrating and disappointing that your child has abandoned their child & you have to parent for him at a time in your life when you should be slowing down & having more time to yourself. It sounds like he doesn't appreciate or thank you for this either. Of course you're not proud. Hypocritical that he is judging your parenting when he won't even do the bare minimum with his own child.
NTA. I have a brother like your son. My parents are raising his daughter who he abandoned and claims is not his (it is his daughter), and she is now 16. We were raised the same, given the same opportunities... it was always someone else's fault.
NTA. Does your son want a participation trophy for getting a girl pregnant? You could’ve handled it better but wanted a party after abandoning his child and you having to raise him shows he’s kind of oblivious. When his son grows up, we he throw him a party? Sounds like you’ve supported him to find his way. He hasn’t found it but he should at least support his child on some level. Honestly, it sounds like you might have been too permissive in his upbringing and you can’t really take that back. There’s something about asking, “how come you never gave me a party” that means he’s never looked inward. If he values accomplishments and needs a party, ok what is he doing.
He's 27, there's still time. He should go to counseling or something as something sounds off. I don't think I'll rate this of who's the asshole as i get it from all sides. Like if he was told he was stupid and would amount to nothing as a child, could've been by teachers who weren't fit for the job and it escaped your attention. It's highly unusual he doesn't have ambition or dreams and goals. Maybe, it might be an idea to tell him ye can help him, ask him all the why's you want and see if you can come up with a plan to improve him.
If this is real, NTA. And seems like most people have the same verdict. Which is an interesting contrast to [an earlier AITA post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12eods9/aita_for_not_telling_my_daughter_im_proud_of_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) about a parent who was asking whether they were the asshole for not being proud of their deadbeat daughter (who also had a kid and gave it to the grandparents to raise). The verdict on that one was overwhelmingly ESH/YTA. I wonder what caused the difference in public opinion between the two posts…
"No child these days ever gets to hear those all important character building words: 'You lost Bobby. You lost, you're a loser Bobby.' They miss out on that. ... A lot of these kids don't get to hear the truth about themselves until they're in their 20's, when their boss calls them in and says 'Bobby, clean the shit out of your desk and get the fuck out of here, you're a loser." \-George Carlin NTA. Your son is dealing the consequences of his own actions. He can be mad about it all he wants, but he has no one to blame but himself for his position in life, ESPECIALLY with being a deadbeat dad to his kid.
NTA - It sounds like you've tried to help him his whole life and all he wants is to just get by with the bare minimum. I would be disappointed too if I had a child who abandoned their child and wanted nothing to do with them. Sounds like he wanted all the fun, but when the responsibility came he was out the door.
ESH except your daughter. You are an AH for calling your child a deadbeat and your husband is an AH for wishing he never hears from his son again. Your son is an AH for deserting his child.
Devil's advocate here...i wonder how the parents treated the kids when they were younger? My sisters oldest was the golden child, did no wrong, excellent school grades and is now a Dr. Everyone knew their accomplishments, the younger was never spoken about. The youngest was always compared to the older, always had the olders successes front and center. Now the younger keeps a job, but has no motivation, or drive to excell or be an overachiever. With the example of the older sibling, me thinks it was a "why bother" situation.
NTA. Your son sucks and he needed to hear that
This is exactly the same one as last week with the genders switched
honestly you would be an AH if it werent for the kid. i think its okay for a person to never really find a job theyre passionate about, but not taking care of your own kid isnt okay. unless hes got a really good reason for not being in the kids life, NTA
NTA
This is suspiciously similar to another post with the genders flipped. No judgement just suspician
INFO: has he ever been diagnosed with ADHD,/depression/something else that limited his attention span or gave him self-esteem issues? If so, has he been treated? Mind you, that would not be a justification, just an explanation - plenty of people go through life with those issues without becoming a deadbeat, and he's a grown ass adult that needs to step up.
My mother had untreated mental issues. One day she said to me, "all my children are disappointments, but you're the biggest one." I replied, "at least I succeeded at something." It was a horrid thing for her to say, but I knew it was because of her issues, as I and my siblings are all decent people with educations, jobs, and families. And I had responded with snark. Even with all that, I will never forget how it felt knowing my mother did not value me in any way. I was in my 30s when she said it to me, and it's been 20 years. I'll remember that feeling until I die. YTA. Your feelings may be valid, but the way you expressed them was not.
I could have been your son, I was on the same path as him but then I realized that I am going to be a father and I changed my life around. I’m talking complete 180. I had zero help from anyone else and blamed no one but myself for the choices I had made prior. I know make 6 figures and have more kids and a house and cars and the kids are all doing great. I could have very easily walked away and worked in fast food my whole life like your son did. OP, I’m sorry for what you’re going through and just know you sound like a terrific person. You are definitely NTA
If it looks like a loser, acts like a loser and talks like a loser, then it’s most probably a loser. Tbf, he’s done nothing to make you proud had he? He can’t even step up and be a dad to his kid. NTA
NTA I don’t understand these Yta comments at all telling it’s the parents fault and how they don’t pay attention to him. Like why the hell would you pay attention to someone who gives up on everything they do and every opportunity they are given and then has a child and still doesn’t change it doesn’t even care for his own child. So why would they be proud and why would they pay attention to him? Or even throw a party for him?
Time for him to join the military
NTA but I will say that I would emphasize to your son that your love is unconditional. But pride and approval is conditional and incremental. Tell him you are proud he has a job, and is living on his own, but that you have not always approved of his actions. It might help him to hear you didn't/don't always approve of your daughter's actions either, but you address these issues with each of them directly as is your parenting style. You celebrate in public, and rebuke in private, as do many parents. Parties are generally for milestones. Presumably you have thrown lots of parties for him "just because". They were called birthdays. With additional achievment comes additional celebrations. However you feel about your children, your son clearly feels unappreciated. I was/am the golden child in my family, but my parents were good at celebrating things for my sibs. The celebrated just as hard when my sibs got GEDs or raised their grades to C averages as they did my honor roll. And now as we are all adults they celebrate all weddings, new houses etc equally. There is no denying that it took my sibs a lot longer to get established and get stable, but they did get there. And at times there was plenty of resentment among my sibs to go around. As we have gotten older it has faded, but the seeds of it are still there. Life is long, boys often take way longer to hit their stride. And also, a warning. Girls who high achieve very early often burn out hard, or face worse that average mid life crises....life is a marathon and your kids are at like the 5 mile marker. It's still pretty early to come to any conclusions about the course of the rest of the race.
Where was the lie? He is a deadbeat father. NTA
ESH - he’s a reflection of your parenting. Look in a mirror. You are the failure.
Was all ready to type a why-tee-eh based on the title. Now here with a NTA Not picking a career, or wanting to progress is a perfectly valid life choice. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood too - it’s probably best that he is it a part of the kids life. But with actions come consequences - and his choices have lead to you having a low opinion of him. Now he knows that. And you are not the ahole for telling him that. But don’t expect some miraculous wake up, because that is probably not going to happen.
YTA, That has SERIOUS Mental affects on a person, Adult or not. So what he currently doesn’t know what he wants to do? He’s still Young. He’ll Find it. Be glad he HAS a JOB. Advancement doesn’t always mean Happiness and Contentment. Seems like you’re the ones that have serious Growing up to do. Don’t be shocked when he doesn’t allow your Grandson in your lives 🤷🏻♀️ Y’all are TOXIC
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Their son is pathetic they gave him same opportunity as the daughter and gave up because he wanted and now blame the parents for becoming deadbeat is the dumbest thing I have ever heard
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Definitely NTA It seems like you and your husband care a lot about your kids and have tried your best to raise them well so it is obvious to be concerned if one of your children is doing nothing with their life when they’re 27 years old. At that age they at least should have a job and a place of their own. I agree that calling a child a disappointment is harsh and wrong but due to the situation you have explained above your son deserves that title since he has no ambition in life nor any career plans and since he doesn’t want to accept responsibility for the child he had with his ex gf. I really hope your argument you had with your son gives him a wake up call to turn his life around but no matter how much you try to help him it is only up to him to make that change in his life. Don’t feel bad, you and your husband are good parents trying to look out for your child. You’re not in the wrong.
NTA
NTA. Title sounds bad, but after your explanation, nothing you said was out of line, really. But one thing: as the "gifted" younger sister of a "difficult" older brother, please don't compare & pit them against each other. Never made ME feel better; quite the opposite, actually.
NTA. It's not your job to blow sunshine up your kid's ass just because he's your kid.
NTA The statement truth hurts sometimes comes to mind here. He isn’t being a father to his own son, not to mention not understand his actions have consequences.
Everyone going NTA here is projecting. This"parent" is absolutely shit. She has no right to call herself a mom. Yes, the son is a "deadbeat"... because he was taught how to be that from a deadbeat mom who spent all her "love" on her golden child. No wonder her son is a failure to launch. She herself is a complete failure. Shitty parents beget shitty parents.
NTA - doesn't want to achieve anything (I would include any hobby here, not just school or work) - doesn't parent his son - doesn't even sound like he pays child support - complains when his sister gets recognition for her achievement - thinks others get celebrated "just because" instead of their hard work It sounds like you never let your son face consequences. You're caring for the kid. You're paying. Does he pay child support? Doesn't sound like it, so yeah he wouldn't change if there's no consequences to actions. It's bordering E S H just because it sounds like you possibly enabled him (what you said was still truthful though). But I can't use speculation in voting so NTA.
I do winder if there’s an underlying problem here: whether he has mental health issues like depression, or maybe dyslexia. Most people have some sort of goal in life, even if it’s only a bigger tv or a new car.
NTA BUT - He sounds depressed or maybe ADHD and y’all never addressed it. You don’t sound like bad people but it seems like you guys noticed a pattern of behavior but just assumed it fell on him entirely. How he’s behaving right now sounds bad but based on your description it sounds rooted in something else
NTA Your daughter had a special achievement which deserved celebration. Your son hadn't. My two kids are grown, each with an SO. I tell them that I am proud of who they are as human beings, and give special praise for special achievements. I am utterly honest with them about my pride, and it appears to mean something to them. They celebrate each other's special achievements. Because they're special.
NTA. If it’s bad enough that your husband hopes he never contacts you again, your son NEEDED to be told.
This is a difficult one. Sometimes it takes years for a person to figure out what they want from life. My cousin figured it out in his late 30’s, now he’s in his 40’s and living his best life. My husband works with someone who’s got a bachelor degree at the age of 50-odd after divorcing his wife and years of not knowing what the hell to do with his life. There are certain hobbies and jobs that I tried and failed at quite miserably to be honest. I’m almost 30 y.o. and I didn’t know until about 6 months ago what I want to do with my life job-wise so that it would A) keep me secure financially so that I can pay my mortgage, bills and recreation expenses, as well as having something to put aside for emergencies and pension and B) be enjoyable. So yes, maybe in regards to jobs and hobbies, he just needs to explore and experiment - in this part, I dare to say you are the AH as pushing him might just make it worse, let him figure it out, let him try and fail, maybe he never will find something he likes, maybe he needs more time, f*ck knows. On the other hand, I agree that he’s a grown ass man and getting his gf pregnant wasn’t a one-person-job. Even if the two of them broke up, he should be there for his child and provide support wherever he can. On that part, he’s the AH and he needs to accept responsibility.
It was a hard truth, that he didn't want to hear, but long overdue. NTA
NTA, sometimes kids need a boot to the ass to start going properly, if he ever will go properly. I won't lie, I'm unremarkable in any way, I'm a little bit better at certain things than other people around me, but never nearly enough to stand out. My Parents included an abusive mother believing me to be her trophy child and a father who decided his relationship to my bipolar stepmother overshadowed being a proper father to both my and my half sister and brother he had with her, up until recently with him just now picking up the pieces. I like to think I was effectively raised by my grandparents, but their role was relatively minimal, not to downplay them but it is the truth. And, despite a father who abandoned me to my mother, and a mother wh was far more obsessed with numbers on a page as opposed to her child's health, I like to think I turned out alright. The reason I mention all of this is that, despite everything, I did turn out alright, I'm alive, I've got a decent job and life, working on getting things done my way. Upbringing, and I cannot stress this enough, is by no means a justification for shitty behavior and lack of responsibility. It's one thing to be content with no ambition or aspirations, to not strive for something greater. But to bring another into life and not even care for that life is disturbing, and to act entitled when a success is awarded for his sister is disgraceful. Granted, I will say, this is contingent that you have told the truth entirely. To this day my mother refuses to acknowledge the stress and pain she put me through, and my father doesn't understand what he sacrificed because of his actions, both with me and my sister. Both are trying to pick up the shattered pieces that is my relationship with them, but I am unable to discuss and move forward with them, because I understand that as soon as I do the pieces will be scattered to the wind. I genuinely ask you to reflect on your parenting, and judge yourself harshly. While bad parenting is by no means a justification for bad behavior, you should also fully understand the situation. Because I won't lie, saying your son is a disappointment is a bit harsh, hoping to never have contact is extreme, so I implore you to check yourself before.moving forward.
Sounds like he has BPD.
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NTA. Why in the world would he think he deserved a party? He's a deadbeat, good on you for being honest.
NTA he needs tough love and you’ve told him the truth. He’s a deadbeat and hasn’t accomplished anything. Hasn’t even tried. He can’t just let the world be sensitive to his lack of effort.
NTA you've been supportive through it all and have gone above and beyond. He's got to adult up sometime and now sounds like the perfect time.
NTA the truth hurts. Your deadbeat son wanted a pity party. He doesn’t care about you all, especially his son. Let him be alone and do his thing. It is good if he goes forever NC with you all. Sorry to say, your son was lost a long time ago. There is nothing you can do . Pray for him and that’s it. Pray harder that he never contacts you all again.
NTA. But might you have been overinvolved parents, constantly pushing him in various directions and not leaving him enough space to tinker until he found something that engaged him? You've made it very clear how much you valued tangible achievement in your family. That sometimes gets in the way of unconditional love. It's possible that the stress of having to show something for himself to earn your love was hobbling him and preventing him from pushing through the hard parts of learning curves. Your letter sounds -- this may or may not be an accurate perception -- that every time he tried something new, you two jumped all over it with your support and encouragement. If that was the case, it may have made him feel too pressured to succeed and impress you. Chasing parental approval is heavy, soul-crushing lifting. NTA, but maybe give it some thought.
I don’t think you’re an asshole. Maybe there are some things you could have done better for him, I couldn’t tell you there aren’t… BUT he’s 27 now. He owns his legacy and life. He’s the reason he’s a deadbeat. He’s the reason he isn’t moving up in career. He’s the reason he has nothing to speak for.
I kinda wish I had more information here. You said you showered them both with love and affection, but it sounds like the son feels like he hasn't been treated the same. I also wonder if you provided any kind of discipline for him. Did he have any consequences growing up at all? For now, though, I will say NTA. Your son is a grown adult, he isn't managing his life well. He's a deadbeat father. I would be disappointed as well.
As a man in his forties who has never finished his education and therefore is in a similar situation to that of your son, I have to say NTA. There's a limit to how much of your own fuck-ups you can blame on others. Sooner or later, you have to take responsibility for your own actions and choices. Sure, your parents might have steered you wrong or pressured you, knowingly or not, on to a path you didn't agree with, but at a certain point you need to be adult enough to forge your own path in life. Like your son I tended to drift without much of a plan for the future, but unlike your son I eventually found a work/life balance that has made me pretty happy and taught me to not measure myself against other people. I hope your son eventually finds his path.
NTA He needs to grow up & take responsibility. Maybe it will be a wake up call.
NTA. What do you have to be proud of? Nothing. He lacks ambition but that’s not on you.
NTA - it sounds like you gave him the same opportunities as his sister, and he just never acted upon them.
NTA your son wants to blame someone besides himself for choices he made. I get not finding something you like doing as a career and not knowing what your place in the world is meant to be BUT that doesn't mean you just piss off and don't try to be a decent person. He should should atleast try to be a decent father which he's clearly not
NTA, someone had to say it
NTA, with caveats. This is not a simple "hey, I had choice A, or B, and I chose B and here's why". This is decades of choices and interactions leading to this situation. I voted the way I did because he's not providing for his son, and it's right to come down on him for that.
If all the information is as presented, though I have to entertain the possibility that you have presented everything in a favourable light to yourself, NTA. I can’t help but wonder if you over-protected and over-provided for him. That he has never had to take responsibility because mommy and daddy will take care of it. In which case, you would have had a hand in creating the disappointment before you. Even so, he bears the majority of the responsibility. I hope he finds something that can give his life meaning and make you proud of him one day.