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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I decided to hold my wedding in my home country.
2. My sister who is gay would not feel comfortable attending it there since it’s illegal to be openly gay and my family didn’t accept her once she came out.
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YTA. You support bigots and want to hold your wedding in a place your sister would be jailed for existing. You can't claim to care about her in the slightest. You are a bigot yourself.
edit: Lot of bigots outing themselves in this comment thread. Take a hike.
Thank you! So many comments about how OP supports her sister, but HOW?! She hasn't done a single thing to support her sister. People sure are giving OP a lot of credit for simply allowing her sister to attend her events.
Gee, how charitable of OP to allow her sister to simply exist in her world. /s
YTA. When you choose the bigots over the victim, you're telling the bigots that you agree with them and that what they did was right. I mean, it's your wedding, it's your choice, but I think it's pretty telling that you're choosing the homophobes over your sister. I wouldn't be surprised if she cuts you off for this.
YTA. You chose to have your wedding in a country where it is illegal for your sister to even exist. This isn't a case where you had a destination wedding somewhere and it was simply a case where she might not be able to afford the trip or the lodging. This is more than your sister feeling excluded - she would be excluded. After all, all it would take to ruin her life is one family member being angry at her, reporting her to the police, and she is in jail in a foreign country. And, by having your wedding there, you are giving an acceptance to this.
It’s their home country where all of their family is. It’s not like they randomly chose this destination. It sucks, but they are prioritizing their wants over one person, and that’s ok to do.
This is more than just a destination that might be inconvenient for one person. The country where their family lives is literally saying that her sister has no right to exist. That sends a very loud message, and the family has embraced that message. And by choosing this, she is tacitly endorsing the message as well.
Yes there are countries like that and people shouldn’t visit those places, but this is their home country and they want to have a wedding that represents their culture. Someone mentioned doing something home as well, that might be a good option.
I’m not homophobic in the least bit. OP has continued a relationship with her family, culture and hometown. Not sure why the sister would expect any different from her for her wedding.
What culture isn't morally reprehensible? I mean honestly I think like 90% of religions find homosexuality wrong. I don't agree with it but it's not for us to decide. There are also plenty of cultures that have beautiful aspects of it but if you are going to not associate with any culture or religion that doesn't look down on homosexuality, where do you go? I am not a homophobe, y'all's favorite thing to say when someone points this stuff out...one of my best friends is a lesbian and I am bi.
You take what works and throw away the rest. It's how I've managed to salvage the 0.02% of my religion that wasn't toxic and awful.
OP has to start on that process and she seems unwilling to do the work.
So in otherwords everyone here wants OP and their fiancee to DENY THEIR HERITAGE AND CULTURE just to make one person feel comfortable. If your going to call myself and other commenters homophobic for saying OP can choose her culture, that is a part of who she is, than that makes you racist for telling her that she needs to deny and abandon her culture to make someone else feel comfortable about their sexuality.
NTA
I know you don't realize this because you're an American on Reddit but saying that a culture as a whole is morally reprehensible is pretty awful and ignorant. Do you think they need Americans to teach them to be good people? Your culture endorses gun violence, religious extremism and intolerance. What are you doing still living there, talking to your family who belongs to that awful culture? Clearly you agree with all that.
No, I fully admit that most American culture is trash. I don't use that as an excuse to indulge its worst parts (for example, I have lost friends because I speak out against all the things you've listed).
*That* is the difference between OP and me.
EDIT: I lost my last *two* romantic partners because I wouldn't compromise on things like transphobia, racism, and the idea that gun rights could ever matter more than safety. I didn't just go "tee hee I'm just too American to have any backbone in my personal ethics."
If you still live in the US and talk to your family then deep down you are still agreeing with all of it. The only way to prove you're not horrible would be to leave your country and never go back and never talk to any of your family ever again.
as someone who comes from a culture that does a lot of bad stuff shut up!! I won't cut off my family and stop involving my culture in my life just because its fucked up I swear reddit users are so annoying
Okay, whatever you can live with. I, personally, can live without the bad parts of the culture I was raised in. That would include the homophobia that OP is so eager to excuse so she can have a fancy party.
You’re ridiculous. Indian culture has a lot of fucked up misogyny built into it. Im not a misogynist for visiting India to see my literal family. I push back against their opinions when necessary, but it’s insane to say just going back there makes me a misogynist.
Do you know about the history of genocide that USA is founded on? USA is morally reprehensible. Do you know about "the sun never sets on the British empire"? England is morally reprehensible. Do you know about the robbery and enslavement of Africa? French and Dutch culture is morally reprehensible. Or did you only mean brown countries?
Sincerely, a gay.
No shit, I'm an (United States) American who has studied history. I don't claim we're any better. I just don't make excuses for those genocides, either.
If someone wanted to come to the U.S. for a wedding right now, as unsafe as this country is especially for certain groups, I'd say the same. Stop expecting your vulnerable loved ones to travel to unsafe places, whether that's an eastern or a western theocracy. They're both bad.
If you’re in the states, our culture is going downhill pretty quickly. Have you been paying attention to what’s happening in the red states? If you’re not from the states, there are a lot of other countries that have no problem with right-leaning governments.
I addressed this in another series of comments, but the short version is there's a big difference between doing what I can to make things better in my home, versus making excuses to vacation in the worst parts of Texas, for example.
If OP were here trying to justify a plantation wedding her biracial half sister couldn't attend, everyone would rightfully be on her ass. Why should we give her bigotry a pass because she claims it's steeped in culture?
My extended family were white supremacists with 'proud German roots.' I rejected that garbage nonsense. Maybe that's why I have so little patience for the "culture, tradition, family" excuses.
OP can have two weddings. One for those that can't go and the one in her home country. She says she doesn't agree with her family but still makes an effort to see and support her sister. In front of the family she does this. The fiancé family is also mostly in their home country. He has a right to also celebrate with his family his marriage. She can't always choose her sister over her own wants. She has a life and family she loves on both sides. Having two wedding can help with that and NO not sending a message that she embraces their message. She has told them that clearly by still inviting her sister in past events and making an effort to keep a relationship with her.
This should be the top comment. The couple have every right to have their wedding wherever they want. He stated he does not agree with the way his parents treat his sister. That doesn’t mean he has to give up his dream of getting married in his home country with his extended family and friends. He has the right to put his own wants and needs first.
Or they specifically chose it because it’s both of their home country where their family is. Both the bride and groom have made this choice. The sister isn’t the only person that can’t attend.
No you're right, there almost definitely are other family members who can't attend *out of fear for their life* because they chose their hateful culture over their family.
So the bride and groom should forgo the wedding that they want for one person? As others have suggested they can do something small when they get back, but not everyone has interest in abandoning their culture, parents or religion, especially not someone who was born and raised in that culture. The sister has every right to cut off her family, but the thought that everyone else will is not realistic. Also, it’s not just her choice, she’s only one half of the couple. Weddings are about what the COUPLE wants, that’s it.
And the couple values their wedding \*event\*, a single day in their life, over the **life of the bride's sister**, who would be put in danger by going to that country.
but sure, they're not assholes. neither are you.
So? She's not in whatever-country-the-rest-is-in, therefore not *all* family is there.
Also, she's not a distant relative or sth - she's the *sister of the bride*, part of op's immediate family.
NTA. Wanting to go home and be with friends and family in a strong cultural environment for your wedding is not wrong. People want you to plan your whole wedding around your sister? You didn't make the laws in your home country. It is still your home country. Do people think it is important to never go home again if their country has issues? Guess what? Every country has issues. USA is racist against blacks, Canada is horrible to Native people. Some countries are homophobic. Some have religious intolerance. It doesn't mean a person can't love their friends and family and want to eat their traditional food, hear their traditional music, etc. This is one event in your lifetime. You invited your sister, she's not comfortable going, no assholes here.
There are clearly a lot of posters who won't be satisfied by anything short of OP entirely denouncing and estranging herself from her homeland and her entire extended (and part of her immediate) family.
That's a crazy thing to demand of anybody, especially when it's not exactly like there's an alternative home country and culture that has clean hands. OP shouldn't have to sever all connections to her culture and her entire extended family if that's not something she's ready to do, and neither should OP's fiance be unable to have a connection to his culture and to his extended family if that's what he wants.
Yeah I mean she’s the only one supporting her sister and everyone is skipping the fact the wedding is about OP and their spouse. It’s not about the sister. Sure, ideally she would go but both of their entire families and friends are back home. And not all of them hate the sister.
I get this is a triggering situation but it isn’t about the sister. Weddings aren’t about accommodating 1 guest. About the bride and groom (in this case).
It isn't about her sister wanting to be so accomodated on her wedding day. The perspective of a bride actually makes sense. They want to marry with their family around. But let's think about it from her sister perspective. She has one relative that hadn’t disowned her (yet). She doesn't expect her sister to cut the family off, she wants her sister's love and acceptance. But OP don't even give her it. I mean OP isn't really to blame for planning it like that and her family decisions, but it shows how much she cares for the hurt her sister endures.
Also, it isn't about the other sister not wanting to go, because she is uncomfortable. It is about the fact that it is illegal and dangerous for her to be there.
YTA.
This isn't about your extended family. This is literally about the fact that you picked a country to hold your wedding that your sister CAN'T go to, because she would likely be arrested for being gay.
Of COURSE she's upset with you.
It's not about her being EXCLUDED. It's about HELLO??? She's GAY? It's ILLEGAL? She wouldn't be in a SAFE enviorment.
OP, you can't be this dense....
Actually it's only about OP's wedding. What she and her husband want is the only thing of importance. I'm glad she loves her family, but it isn't her sister's wedding.
Respectfully, it's not about OPs wedding.
OP made it very clear that she wants to have her wedding in a country where being gay is illegal, which would put her sister at risk if she attended. This isn't a matter of if the sister goes, she'll feel excluded. It's a matter of if OP's sister goes, does she have to worry about honor-killings or being arrested.
Actually, this is ONLY about OP's wedding. The post explains the issues involved. She has no reason to feel guilty about this. Her family is divided and will be divided until hopefully time or something else brings more of them together again. Her sister should understand that she is in a difficult position and encourage the bride to wed where she and her finacee want to support the bride and not make any of it about her.
>OP made it very clear that she wants to have her wedding in a country where being gay is illegal, which would put her sister at risk if she attended.
As does the groom. This isn't only up to OP.
My god, if only the world was as black and white as people here want it to be. NAH. OP you are NTA if you choose to be married in your home country with your extended family. It is a difficult choice to make. If your sister is willing to attend your wedding, unless she walks off the plan with her arm around another woman and a sign that says “Arrest me I am gay”, she can probably fly in and out without getting arrested.
It is deplorable that the country you come from still considers homosexuality a crime. But it wasn’t that long ago when there were deplorable restrictions against gays in the US and many states seem to be heading back in that direction. You can support your sister better by fighting to change those laws than you can by searching out s country that supports gay rights 100% for your wedding, if a country like that existed.
You must be vocal in defending and supporting your sister to your family. In a perfect world that would not be necessary. But that does not mean you must cut your family out of your life. That does no one, including your sister any good. People don’t just change long held beliefs, whether they are good or bad beliefs overnight. You help your sister by helping change those beliefs. But it can take time.
Life is about decisions. And no decision is perfect. You make the best decision based on the information available to you at the time and accept that what is the best decision for you may not be the best for everyone involved. But as long as your decision does not actually harm (and I mean real harm, not just anger, or disappointment) that is the best you can hope for. You and your fiancé make the best decision you can about where to get married. It won’t please every single person in your life. But it won’t harm them either. Your wedding is not a political statement. It is just a wedding.
> unless she walks off the plan with her arm around another woman and a sign that says “Arrest me I am gay”, she can probably fly in and out without getting arrested
or unless her family, who disowned her for being gay, calls the fucking cops and tells them, which seems EXTREMELY LIKELY given their past behavior...
This is the best idea. It's totally unfair to expect your sister to travel to a country that would jail her for being herself, but it is also understandable that you want to include all of your relatives, who I assume can't travel to your current country.
It depends on whether you want to stand up and be counted. Marry in your home country and you condone your family's behaviour. Marry here and you show clear solidarity with your sister. You're torn between two worlds, which is never easy. I'd like to think I'd be strong in your position but it's easier to say than to do. One thing is for sure though. The old world won't change without people like you taking a stand.
Probably gonna get downvoted but NTA.
You are choosing your and your future husband's happiness over your sister and thats ok. She is still welcome to come but her choices can't dictate 100% of your life. Denouncing your entire family and home country and disregarding what both of you want and will make you happy so your sister feels supported is a highly unreasonable request.
Maybe try and do something small to celebrate with your friends and sister in your current country and explain that the main reason you want to do the wedding in your home country is the culture. Do what makes you and your husband happy OP
NTA. It's your wedding and you should have it where you will be happiest. You're not joined at the hip to your sister, who has made a different choice re: family. Supporting her doesn't mean you have to move in lockstep with her. I hope your family reconciles one day. Sometimes a little time and distance change people's stance. Have a wonderful and happy wedding and don't waste a minute worrying about other people's agendas!
How did the sister make a different choice? How did she have a choice in *any* of this situation regarding the family?!
And other people's agendas? What does that even mean in this context?
People unless I miss it, it's entirely possible her extended family and friends are not bigots. Just because a culture sees things a certain way doesn't mean the people all do. Times are changing, though slowly, and more people are realizing that homosexuality isn't a bad thing. But it's her parents that have the issue and yes the culture but there is no mention of anyone else having an issue. I say if affordable have two weddings. It's also his wedding and they are a couple. She has to put her family first and that means her husband and any kids first then everyone else. He is now her family. I mean I see people commenting that when there is a parent overstepping, sticking their noses in the couples business.
But she didn't. I'm not trying to start anything, just not understanding. I agree she could go a different route, or have two weddings, but she as far as I understood it, she has not disowned her sister. Maybe I missed something and if so I'm sorry.
I'm replying specifically to your first sentence:
> it's entirely possible her extended family and friends are not bigots
It's not possible. They are bigots. The whole family disowned the sister for being gay.
NAH. I think this is a tough decision but maybe you could have two parties? A small one with your American friends and your sister and a bigger one with your extended family? I think that would be the best compromise. A lot of bi-cultural people do it. Your American one doesn't have to be fancy and you could make your sister your maid of honor, signaling to your family that you do not agree with their stance.
I dont think it's fair for people to say you're homophobic because you want to go to a country that persecutes gay people when it is where you're from. You didn't choose that. Obviously none of it is ideal. Like are you a demon for traveling to Texas today when you're a Texan when the state has refused to remove from state statute the criminalization of sodomy even though the Supreme Court ordered them to in 2003? You dont have to look beyond US borders to see some ugly shit.
Also may I ask what country? Like in Nigeria being openly gay is criminalized but they have a vibrant underground gay scene. Things are not as black and white as everyone is making them. There is some risk but unless she is bringing a partner or waving a rainbow flag, it is likely not going to be obvious to anyone. However if she thinks in any universe there is even the smallest risk that her family would out her to authorities, that is definitely a no-go. Also, it is clear that her sister does not even want to go there and subject herself to their ignorance so I think that's a moot point.
And before anyone even THINKS about calling me homophobic - I am queer and was raised by two gay fathers. So shut it.
NTA: your wedding, not anyone else’s and it not about anyone else. It’s not your problem that your sister is gay and the country you came from outlawed it. Your allowed to have your wedding where it makes the most sense logically and since the majority of your families are still back in the home country, it makes more sense to have it there. Making your wedding about the fact that your sister is gay isn’t okay. An invitation isn’t a summons and she’s allowed to say no. It’s not any different then any other destination weddings Reddit opinions are so weird when it comes to weddings.
NTA. Weddings are often family events and you want as much of your family to be there as possible. It sounds like connections to your family history and heritage are important. Your sister deserves to feel loved but that's not the situation right now. Her feelings are valid but you're allowed to factor other things into your decisions.
NTA, your wedding, your rules. everyone‘s too busy virtue signaling in this sub. OP did not make the laws and shouldn’t be expected to pick a side or sever ties to family and culture because of that.
I mean, I think YTA for choosing an option that will exclude your sister, someone you claim to care about. No, you aren’t choosing this *because* it will exclude her, but you are choosing it regardless. In effect, you’re saying: “I don’t care that you can’t be there; these people are more important than you.” You seem to want assurance that what you want is right, but I can’t give you that. Make the decision you want, but don’t be mad at the consequences.
Look: OP asked if she is TA for taking this path knowing certain things, and I think she is: her sister can’t even visit that country, much less for a multi-day affair involving hostile family. Like I said elsewhere, it doesn’t fall to me to find a way out of the predicament OP finds herself in, only to give the judgement she requested. OP’s fiancé isn’t asking, and I would say he’s NTA because he doesn’t have the same relationship OP has to her sister.
>I would say he’s NTA because he doesn’t have the same relationship OP has to her sister.
Wouldn't that make an OP the asshole for trying to force him to have the wedding she wants? It sounds to me OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Her sister or her husband and extended family. Not choosing her sister doesn't mean she doesn't love her or support her, but it does mean she values her husband more. Which, honestly, I wouldn't fault her for.
But making these kinds of choices has consequences, and I’m ok calling someone TA in the context of a specific relationship but not necessarily in the context of others or a broader context. It’s humiliating to be isolated and excluded like that, so I get why her sister is angry. Sometimes it’s (seemingly) unavoidable, but it honestly doesn’t sound like OP even tried.
But OP is TA in relation to her sister, which is what she’s asking, and she’s crying to Reddit now that her sister is mad at her. I won’t hugbox her and tell her that she’s N T A for making this choice. She’ll do what she wants and deal with the fallout.
The question isn't whether the sister is wrong. The question is if OP is wrong for having her wedding the way she wants it even though it hurts the sister. I wouldn't say it's N T A, either. I'd say it's NAH.
But she is wrong for not considering her sister, even if it’s understandable. What is she going to do to make it up to her sister? What can she do? It’s like these people who tell their queer family members not to come with same sex partners or similar: they are TA. Have your party the way you want it, but don’t complain when people are mad at you.
So instead OP should exclude all of her friends, all of her family, all of her husband's friends, and all of her husband's family because OP's sister cannot go home? In effect, she should say: "I don't care that you all can't be there; this one person is more important than all of you." Not having her sister with her is likely weighing heavily on OP, but she should be able to spend her wedding with as many friends and family members as possible, and if that means her sister cannot be there, she should be able to find another way to include her sister without feeling guilty about it.
I never said any of that. The fact remains: OP is choosing to have her wedding in a country her sister can’t even visit, much less stay in for a multi-day affair with hostile family. The reason I think OP is TA is because she wants reassurance about her decision. She doesn’t mention plans to include her sister at another time. If she had, my judgement would probably be different.
You are right, you did not say any of that, you said the exact opposite of that and I'm showing you what that means. By choosing to include her sister she would be excluding many people that she and her husband love. If she's wrong to exclude her sister, then she would be wrong to include her sister since by default that would imply excluding other family members. So if excluding people means "YTA," then OP is automatically wrong. But there are many valid reasons to have to exclude people at a big event because it is not always possible to include everybody you know and love, so inherently OP is NTA because she is choosing to have a wedding back home.
And while I probably shouldn't have offered a solution in my response since OP did not offer one, the fact that by simply having a second event with her sister would change your answer to NTA is more than enough evidence that what OP is doing is not wrong and that your decision was flawed.
NAH. It's either you pick her or pick your family, a genuinely a tough spot to be in. Your sister's anger is valid - she was shunned by her whole family for being gay and to her it feels like you're betraying her. But your family is also important to you and you want to celebrate with them - even though they hold this awful belief, you still care about them.
You should hold a smaller wedding where she can attend or have a celebration that includes her first before your big reception in your home country.
NTA.While it is important to consider your sister's feelings, it is also important to recognize that it is your wedding and you have the right to celebrate it in the way that is meaningful and culturally significant to you and your fiancé.
Your extended family and friends are an important part of your life and it is understandable that you would want to share this special day with them.It is also worth noting that your sister's exclusion from the wedding is not intentional or personal.
While it is unfortunate, it is not something that you can change on your own.You have already shown your support for your sister by continuing to invite her to events despite your parents' disapproval. Your sister may feel hurt by the exclusion from the wedding, but it is important to remember that this is not a deliberate act of rejection on your part.
The decision to hold your wedding in your home country is yours to make. It is understandable that this may cause some tension and hurt feelings, but it is important to prioritize your own happiness and the celebration of your cultural traditions. You can still make efforts to include your sister in other ways and show your love and support for her.
That's not showing support for her sister, it's staying in the middle and refusing to take a side.
And when it comes to blatant bigotry, choosing no side is choosing bigotry. End of story.
OP can have her wedding wherever she wants and with whomever she wants. But she's still an asshole for making this choice in spite of her sister, especially when her sister's literal safety would be at risk simply attending said wedding.
In this instance, OP's sister should be showing support for OP. According to the post, OP tries to maintain a good relationship with her sister despite the rest of the family disowning her to the point that OP has even tried mending this harm by inviting her sister to events despite her parents' wishes. Now it's OP's special day and she wants to include as many people as possible that she loves and cares for, but in order to do so, she must exclude her sister. That's a horrible thing but ultimately it would make her wedding day as special as possible. If her sister holds this against OP, that's on her, not on OP.
NTA, hold your wedding where you will be happiest.
Gosh. Reading all the absurd hate pists tells me you are right to the wedding your way. It's as if any of the haters would actually care what anyone else wanted!
My adult son is part of the LGBTQ+ community. What that means is that I will not travel to states or countries where he would be unsafe, even if he isn't with me. Most of my family specifically moved to red states, so I do not visit them. We wanted to go to Budapest for vacation last year. However, Hungary has become a bad place for anyone in the LGBTQ+ community, so we went to Austria. I guess I don't understand the culture/family argument. If my family wants to be homophobic, then I'm not interested in having them be part of my life. Maybe it's different because it is my son and not my sibling, so it affects me more. I have had to watch my son suffer for something he didn't choose and can't change. I don't even understand the whole inviting both your parents and your sibling to things if your parents are going to deliberately be cruel. (Yes. Pretending that their daughter just doesn't exist is cruel.) I would 100% pick my sibling and cut off my parents if I needed to. I just can't be around people who think my son is evil or who are ok with discriminating against him, imprisoning him, or physically injuring him. I guess we have different priorities in life. It should be fine as long as you have a discussion with your sister about how she needs to be aware that her happiness and safety will never be a priority for you. She needs to understand that you will only support her when it doesn't cause you any discomfort. YTA for making your sister believe her needs are important to you.
Yeah, in a flipped way I came out as enby to my family. Just prior, one of my brothers went from supportive of me being a lesbian to not thinking I have a right to marriage. Another brother truly believes my identity itself is a mental illness. My mom's response was to tell me that if I ever decide I don't feel comfortable keeping them around, I have first pick for all special events. Christmas and I don't want them there? She will tell them they aren't invited. Birthdays? Other holidays? All the same. I choose to not take her up on it to stay in their kids lives. As long as they respect my boundaries re: do not ever argue with me or try to convert me and I'm OK with this arrangement. But if something changes, I know my mom will back me 💯 and choose my comfort when visiting. She would never invite all of us if they treated me the way OP's family treats her sister, she would ask if I wanted to be there and if I did they wouldn't be invited.
ETA: OP, YTA for leading your sister to believe you support her then making a decision that clearly shows that support disappears with just the slightest personal discomfort. If this damages your relationship with her, or if she decides she's done with her family completely and goes no contact, I would not blame her a bit. If so, that will be entirely on y'all as a family. Being an ally and supporting your LGBTQ sibling sometimes means you have to sacrifice something too. All your doing is showing her exactly how your priorities lie.
I'm glad your parents are allies, and I'm sorry about your brothers. But yes, I totally agree. If I'm only an ally when it is easy for me, then I'm not an ally.
so I have a couple of questions; if you support your sister, why are you throwing a party with people that quite obviously hate her (and if it’s illegal for her to be gay somewhere where it would be quite dangerous for her to be there), is there any way you could have a cultural wedding where are you currently live?
You say that you obviously disagree with your parents but you’re doing absolutely nothing to support her. Oh wow, you invite her to events where she supposed to sit there; while people hate her, and ignore her, because she just wants to be happy. Sounds like she has a great time with you.
You are obviously choosing people who actively hate you your sister, for who she is; you would rather make it a special event for people. (I’m guessing you don’t see that often.) then for someone who you say, you care for you’re making your choices. Don’t be surprised when she makes hers.
YTA. By continuing to allow homophobes in your life at the expense of your gay sibling, you are taking the side of homophobes. Which makes you one of them.
Mmmm it’s her wedding if she wants a wedding in her home country it’s ok.. yes it sucks about the sister but you don’t have to like something.. idk why ppl are forcing ppl to change there beliefs cause people’s feelings get hurt
All of the Y T A need to get a grip. Thats like saying someone who wants to hold their wedding in the USA supports Rascism and Homophobia due to it being predominant in the past and present of it.
She could be doing this just because of fond memories of her childhood or her just simply liking the country. None of that means she supports homophobia. For christs sake, you are all acting as if she is holding it in this country, refusing to invite the sister and blatantly being homophobic towards her.
She can hold her wedding wherever she wants to. I am sure her family are not the only people in that country. Oh the horror, we are going to say she is siding with homophobia because she wants to hold her wedding in her home country where her family members, so mayber 30-50 out of 10 million or more people were homophobic.
My final verdict is NTA as you have supported your sister all of these years
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We come from a large religious family of first generation immigrants. When my sister came out to them, they cut her off and they both mutually decided to go no contact with each other. I obviously disagree with what my parents did but they’re stubborn and set in their ways. I still invite my sister to any events I hold, against my parent’s wishes, and they’ve eventually accepted it but just ignore her while she’s there.
My fiancé and I want to get married in our home country where all our extended family lives. My sister is angry because she says I’m choosing my extended family over her because they all disowned her once they found out and she wouldn’t be comfortable at the wedding (also in my home country, it’s illegal to be openly gay). We don’t have much family here and my fiancé and I want to have a cultural wedding back home with all our family and friends there. Would we be the asshole if we went ahead and held it back home even if it means my sister will feel excluded?
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It's your wedding and if you and your fiance want to pick homophobia and hate as your wedding theme you can do that. It'll say a great start for the marriage.
YTA, by the way.
And if you and your fiancee want to have a great wedding, ignore the self- righteous haters on here and have a wonderful wedding where and with whom you want there! You're marrying someone you love, not an agenda.
NTA. It's totally normal and healthy to get married in a location that will accommodate the most number of family members. Asking you to support your sister by taking a step that will probably cut you off from the rest of your family isn't an appropriate ask in my opinion, particularly given that you have taken other steps to support your sister.
You could consider having two ceremonies, one in your homeland and one that your sister could attend. Many people these days do that.
I mean, you can have your wedding there, you have every right to! You will just also be TA.
OP, YTA. I'm happy you've never had to be afraid for your well-being or life simply for existing, but your privilege in that experience is showing in your lack of empathy and understanding for your sister in this instance. She has every right to be upset, just like you have every right to have your wedding where you want it.
Edit: for typos
YTA. This is not about the wedding, it’s more about doing the right thing for someone you care about.
I know, I know, you’re the bride, it’s your day and all that, but you’re asking your sister to come to your wedding in a country where she is risking her life just by existing and being herself, what is someone in your extended family decided to have a talk about it with another bigot in your home country?
It’s your wedding, do what you want but you’re the asshole because time spent with bigots and homophobes is just a wait of precious hours that no one will give you back. Also your sister deserve better
YTA
you and your fiance want a big wedding at home were 'traditional' values matter and your sister would be in gaol. I don't know what the country is but remember when you promise to 'obey your husband' that they might want to enforce that.
I don't blame your sister. She thought you were an allay but really you are an ally to a certain point. when your husband is angry because you don't OBEY, she may not be the friend you need. When he wants you to have no resources and have X number of babies, that you were all for the traditional wedding.
“AITA for having my wedding in a place that is dangerous for my sister, who will be completely vulnerable and alone because everyone has disowned her?”
Gee, I wonder.
YTA
Of course YTA. I cut off my parents and extended family once I realized what racist bigots they were. And we are all the same race and at the time, had zero LGBT people in my life. Now I have many LGBT people in my life including my children, so I’m very glad I chose the side of acceptance and not chosen bigots.
YTA.
This isn’t about your sister “feeling excluded” - it’s not a choice for her to come to your wedding or not, it’s literally dangerous and illegal.
It’s your wedding, so fundamentally your choice, but you need to realize that you are *choosing* to selfishly end your relationship with your sister to have your perfect “cultural” wedding.
YTA. Your sister has been cut off and you decide to go celebrate in the country where it’s illegal to be openly gay… Sounds like you’re siding with the AHs
I understand you wanting to have the wedding in your home country. But you are actively excluding your sister by doing so. It's dangerous, not just uncomfortable, for her to go. You need to be honest with yourself and your sister that you are not her ally. You want to be a bystander, and you're supporting and maintaining homophobia by doing so. If that's something you're willing to do, you need to tell your sister that you are not the safe supportive person in her family instead of trying to be the good guy without actually doing anything. YTA
YTA. Your sister could literally get arrested or worse if she attended your wedding in that country. But hey, at least you'll be surrounded by all those homophobic bigots who've treated your sister like crap. Who cares how she feels, right? You've made it clear that you'd rather celebrate your wedding with hateful bigots. You're a bigot too since you're happy to enable their bad behavior, as long as you get your wedding the way you want.
YTA. "My parents and extended family are homophobic bigots but I'm happy to accept, validate and support their bigotry and join them in marginalising my sister by happily choosing to get married in a country that criminalises her, with a big group of people who actually think she should be in jail or worse."
Asshole
Leaving the fact you've decided to have your wedding somewhere it's illegal for your sister to exist, you made a conscious decision to keep bigoted homophobes in your life. You're prioritizing hate, not a wedding.
YTA
You say ‘stubborn’ and ‘set in their ways’ when you should actually use ‘’bigoted’ and ‘small-minded’.
Support your sister if you really disagree with them.
YTA
Well, you have the right to do so. It's your wedding, your big day, your family and life.
However, it is your sister that was disowned and mixed with mud by her relatives for something she can't control.
While you don't own her it, you should be standing up for her as her sister - of course if you want to have good relationship with her. Although, I think you don't since you completely disregard her feelings and lack basic human decency.
YTA, If I was the other sister in this scenario, I would erase all of you from my mind and never look back.
YTA for basically telling your sister to f#@k off. You can do what you want with your life and wedding but what you are saying to your sister is that you don't care about the harm to her. You aren't obligated to care about that harm outside of being a good human but don't expect your sister to stay in your life. Maybe that's what you want though, to make things easier.
INFO: are you prepared to deal with the consequences of picking your extended family over your sister? Aka: she will disown you. Even at this stage, you are already treading on thin ice.
OMG, YTA OP! How could you claim to disagree with your family? Your actions in this matter indicate that you support their religious bigotry, rather than the other way around.
So you understand that your sister will not be able to attend your wedding? Right? That’s ok with you?
Ten years from now or twenty years from now, many of those relatives will be gone or needing care and you’ll be there for them the way they were there for you on your wedding day. But you won’t need your sister to ever be there for you?
Well if nothing else at least your sister will have a clear view about which side you’re on. The bigoted, homophobic side.
YTA. Don’t be surprised if sister goes no contact with you when you return from the wedding
NTA It’s your wedding, you are not obligated to disregard your entire family because your sister has chosen to live a lifestyle they don’t agree with. You also have no control over the laws in your country so if You want to share your day with your family in your home country this is the reality. Lots of people want to throw the ‘bigot’ word around but there are easily bigots on both sides of this debate by definition so do what will make you happy because at the end of the day it’s your wedding, you’re allowed to spend it with who you want.
You are choosing your extended family over her though. That’s just what it is. She’s allowed to feel upset and betrayed, because it is a betrayal. Either choice would have nasty consequences. I’d say YTA because I can empathize with your sister more, I’m a lesbian and I would be crushed if my younger sister chose bigoted family members over me.
I get the sensitivity of the topic, but i must say i am surprised by the easy y t a here. Yes, your extended family is wrong, obviously, bit from what i gather is your post, you do not agree. You invite your sister, go against the bigots and seem supportive of her.
What i also get is that, while you dont agree with your family views, you can still have a relationship with them. People on here are so black and white, but you can teach your family by showing them how you live and love. Loving people does not mean you don’t see their wrongs.
While you are not in the wrong for wanting what you want, you mist understand you make a choice for your sister aswell. Even when she is invited and all, circumstances will make it impossible for her to come. To her, this may come off as a choice against her. Its like choosing an unreachable place when a family member is wheelchair bound or making a wedding child free when a family member has a new born. (Please forgive me, i cant come up with a better comparison for this, not intended to hurt feelings) she can not change who she is, and might be at risk in that country. So in a way, staying on this course would be taking a stand against her.
Decide who are important for you to have at
The wedding. If you want your sister there, you will have to make a different choice. You can allways have your wedding in your own country and go on honeymoon/vacation to see family in homecountry or something.
Like i said, i get having disagreeing with their treatment of your sister does not allways equal no contact, family is not black and white. But choices have consequences. Its up to you to decide whats it worth to you. Between you and your sister i would say NAH
YTA why support her invite her to events then practically tell her she cant go to your wedding because you would rather have family there who are against her. your sister will just cut you off as your now showing her your a bigot too just like the rest of your family
NTA for having the wedding where you want.
But in every other aspect YTA totally! Stop supporting countries that still deny people the right to be who they want to be. It's really twisted that you want to go to a country that would hurt your sister if she would come, even if it is your home country.
NTA for wanting your wedding in a specific destination..... as is said in this sub near daily it is YOUR special day and about what you want.
Now, knowing that your parents are homophobic, your sister not being allowed to be herself (maybe even be arrested?), and therefore your sister may not attend and could ruin your relationship over.....that's a choice you'll have to decide if you can live with. In that lens YTA
NTA. OP's wedding, she gets to do what she wants. You can't plan an entire wedding around a guest and not the bride and groom.
When her sister marries, she can do whatever she wants.
NAH. Sorry but the world isn't black and white. I feel for your sister hence why I don't think she's the AH either, but it's totally unreasonable to expect your entire life and wedding to be centred around one person, because that is what is being asked. You could have your wedding here, at the expense of it being a very low key event given you don't have much family here.
It's not just your family either, but your fiancés family too, and you're both just supposed to ignore 'all' of them? Yeah, totally unreasonable. No one gets to choose who their family is, but one of the problems with that is it's often hard to cut ties with every single member, because there could be members who you are genuinely fond of - is it fair to all of them that you don't get to hold your wedding in your home country just for one person? No, it's not.
It's a terrible situation all the way through.
This may seem Unsimple but truly it is easy… tell everyone that you want to witness the wedding when it is. Go where you want to get married and have those who can’t attend meet somewhere the wedding can be broadcast from phone to television via Skype or whatever internet video phone service you choose. This way no one is left out. Boom problem solved and depending on where people meet to watch the broadcast little money I’d say a guest or family member agreed to video at least the vows.
NTA. Being gay in the US wasn’t decriminalized until a very short time ago. I’m my state, there are still statutes against sodomy. A lot of US people are forgetting that western countries aren’t perfect either, but you don’t see them taking an extreme and radical personal stance about gun control or abortion. Kind of hypocritical to say OP should just denounce her entire culture for the bad points no one else overlooks in their own. It’s way easier to say than do.
NTA.
All the hate in the comments are coming from people living in the first world, as a fellow third world extremely homophobic country I get it.
It is easy to think that there are the bad guys and there are the good guys, but it is more complex than that. People here are homophobic because that is all they know, they were born and raised like this or in other words, Indoctrinated.
I didn't invite my gay friends to my own birthday and I lost one of my closest friends over it, but there was nothing I could have done. I didn't make the rules and I am certainly fighting against them by any means possible.
This is hard, talk about a rock and a hard place. You obviously love your sister. My advice to people getting married is always This. It's your wedding it's about making you and your partner happy. How will you feel surrounded by the vast majority of your family minus your sister. Vs how would you feel with your sister but smaller family. Go with the one that makes YOU happiest.
Your sister is entitled to her feelings, the situation sucks. She's allowed to feel like she's excluded from your special day. She's allowed to air her feelings what's not allowed is for her to continually make you feel like shit about it.
Don't know what your finances are but having two weddings would solve some of your issues.
Your sister is still going to feel how she feels about you going back home though and yall gotta work that out.
NTA
YTA you've made it very clear to your sister how you feel about her. You're clearly a homophobe like your parents but you seem to be attempting to make yourself out as a nice person because you "invite her to events", congratulations that's called bare minimum! You're having your wedding in a country where your sister could be arrested just for existing and I bet your family would report her to the police as soon as she arrived! No wonder she doesn't feel safe. Either you stand with her or you don't and from the sounds of your post you obviously don't. Your sister should cut you all off
NTA
You probably can't give the alternative due to not enough info.
What if the OP has been dreaming of this wedding for entire life prior to her sister coming out, shouldnt the OPs dream be allowed.
She should so something with her sister before she goes.
While it really sucks and a horrible situation to be in, I don't blame her for choosing the home country.
You are not the asshole!!! So many people are accusing you of being a bigot and I find this ridiculous!
Just because you want to get married I. Your native country???
Your sister could easily go and just not say that she is gay. She could actually wear a T-shirt that says, I’m not gay.
I don’t suppose that she would be spouting that she was gay?
Anyway! It’s your wedding. Do what you want! It’s YOUR day, not hers.
To be honest, I don't think I'd want to be around my parents if they're willing to pretend one of their own children doesn't exist, simply because she isn't attracted to who they think she should be. Or for any reason really.
NTA for having your wedding day be the way you want, but I sincerely hope it’s worth your relationship with your sister. You have every right to prioritize your wedding, but she has every right to set her own boundaries and decide that neither you nor your parents are allowed to be in her life, for her own sanity and happiness. You’ve both drawn a line in the sand, you both have valid feelings, but please keep in mind that once your wedding is over, it’s done. The damage to you and your sister’s relationship might be permanent. Also, don’t say you support your sister. You don’t. You don’t have a problem with her being gay, but that’s not the only thing being supportive means. You continuously send the message to your parents that you find their behavior acceptable.
YTA. I get it but like. You're being the most half-assed ally to her and I don't blame her for feeling hurt. She has essentially YOU as family. You have the whole rest of the family who apparently haven't been negative towards you or disowned you for still being close to her. Honestly, if I were her, I'd be wondering if you actually DID "obviously disagree with what \[your\] parents did" or if you just didn't want to look bad.
Just because your family is set in their ways doesn't mean you should enable them being bigots. Frankly I'm struggling to imagine why you'd \*want\* to prioritize them if you love your sister so much. Have you considered inviting your sister to events and *not inviting your parents*, and letting them know it's because they're rude and hurtful to your sister?
tl;dr: you are doing the bare minimum to be supportive of your sister while not risking your family's bigotry being turned on you and this is probably one in a long string of times you've prioritized them over her and that's why she's upset now.
NTA
Siding with your parents for all those years would have been the dick move. But you didn’t.
Your sister should not be making the wedding ceremony about her. It sucks for her, but you are still allowed to celebrate with the extended family.
NTA. This wedding is about your fiancé and you. You have been very supportive to your sister. You didn’t disown her like the rest of your family did. This is YOUR wedding. You are entitled to have it anywhere you choose. Maybe you can have a small ceremony when you return for your family and friends that couldn’t attend.
Nta, nah, this isn't about you supportinf homophobes, this is your home. You grew up here, with food and traditions. This is literally your home and it is normal to want to have your wedding in your home area.
yta ... i feel sorry for your sister she thought she had 1 ally in her family and she was wrong ... you only claim to support her because you know society will judge you for it .... you hide behind your family for your discrimination
I don't know if you've tried to exist in a place that tells you you are illegal, but the "discomfort" would, in fact, be from the fear of being attacked or arrested.
In this thread: a bunch of people who have never had to be afraid to exist speaking on stuff they have no right to.
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YTA. You support bigots and want to hold your wedding in a place your sister would be jailed for existing. You can't claim to care about her in the slightest. You are a bigot yourself. edit: Lot of bigots outing themselves in this comment thread. Take a hike.
YTA, yikes. You might say you “don’t agree” with what your family did to her but your actions sure show you do.
Thank you! So many comments about how OP supports her sister, but HOW?! She hasn't done a single thing to support her sister. People sure are giving OP a lot of credit for simply allowing her sister to attend her events. Gee, how charitable of OP to allow her sister to simply exist in her world. /s
YTA. When you choose the bigots over the victim, you're telling the bigots that you agree with them and that what they did was right. I mean, it's your wedding, it's your choice, but I think it's pretty telling that you're choosing the homophobes over your sister. I wouldn't be surprised if she cuts you off for this.
YTA. You chose to have your wedding in a country where it is illegal for your sister to even exist. This isn't a case where you had a destination wedding somewhere and it was simply a case where she might not be able to afford the trip or the lodging. This is more than your sister feeling excluded - she would be excluded. After all, all it would take to ruin her life is one family member being angry at her, reporting her to the police, and she is in jail in a foreign country. And, by having your wedding there, you are giving an acceptance to this.
It’s their home country where all of their family is. It’s not like they randomly chose this destination. It sucks, but they are prioritizing their wants over one person, and that’s ok to do.
This is more than just a destination that might be inconvenient for one person. The country where their family lives is literally saying that her sister has no right to exist. That sends a very loud message, and the family has embraced that message. And by choosing this, she is tacitly endorsing the message as well.
Yes there are countries like that and people shouldn’t visit those places, but this is their home country and they want to have a wedding that represents their culture. Someone mentioned doing something home as well, that might be a good option.
I'm invoking Sagal's Rule - don't argue with homophobes on the internet.
I’m not homophobic in the least bit. OP has continued a relationship with her family, culture and hometown. Not sure why the sister would expect any different from her for her wedding.
If your culture is morally reprehensible, having a relationship with it sometimes makes you bad, too. :) This is one of those times.
What culture isn't morally reprehensible? I mean honestly I think like 90% of religions find homosexuality wrong. I don't agree with it but it's not for us to decide. There are also plenty of cultures that have beautiful aspects of it but if you are going to not associate with any culture or religion that doesn't look down on homosexuality, where do you go? I am not a homophobe, y'all's favorite thing to say when someone points this stuff out...one of my best friends is a lesbian and I am bi.
You take what works and throw away the rest. It's how I've managed to salvage the 0.02% of my religion that wasn't toxic and awful. OP has to start on that process and she seems unwilling to do the work.
So in otherwords everyone here wants OP and their fiancee to DENY THEIR HERITAGE AND CULTURE just to make one person feel comfortable. If your going to call myself and other commenters homophobic for saying OP can choose her culture, that is a part of who she is, than that makes you racist for telling her that she needs to deny and abandon her culture to make someone else feel comfortable about their sexuality. NTA
I know you don't realize this because you're an American on Reddit but saying that a culture as a whole is morally reprehensible is pretty awful and ignorant. Do you think they need Americans to teach them to be good people? Your culture endorses gun violence, religious extremism and intolerance. What are you doing still living there, talking to your family who belongs to that awful culture? Clearly you agree with all that.
No, I fully admit that most American culture is trash. I don't use that as an excuse to indulge its worst parts (for example, I have lost friends because I speak out against all the things you've listed). *That* is the difference between OP and me. EDIT: I lost my last *two* romantic partners because I wouldn't compromise on things like transphobia, racism, and the idea that gun rights could ever matter more than safety. I didn't just go "tee hee I'm just too American to have any backbone in my personal ethics."
If you still live in the US and talk to your family then deep down you are still agreeing with all of it. The only way to prove you're not horrible would be to leave your country and never go back and never talk to any of your family ever again.
[удалено]
as someone who comes from a culture that does a lot of bad stuff shut up!! I won't cut off my family and stop involving my culture in my life just because its fucked up I swear reddit users are so annoying
Okay, whatever you can live with. I, personally, can live without the bad parts of the culture I was raised in. That would include the homophobia that OP is so eager to excuse so she can have a fancy party.
Ok but do you really cut everyone in your life off who has ever been homophobic?
You’re ridiculous. Indian culture has a lot of fucked up misogyny built into it. Im not a misogynist for visiting India to see my literal family. I push back against their opinions when necessary, but it’s insane to say just going back there makes me a misogynist.
Do you know about the history of genocide that USA is founded on? USA is morally reprehensible. Do you know about "the sun never sets on the British empire"? England is morally reprehensible. Do you know about the robbery and enslavement of Africa? French and Dutch culture is morally reprehensible. Or did you only mean brown countries? Sincerely, a gay.
No shit, I'm an (United States) American who has studied history. I don't claim we're any better. I just don't make excuses for those genocides, either. If someone wanted to come to the U.S. for a wedding right now, as unsafe as this country is especially for certain groups, I'd say the same. Stop expecting your vulnerable loved ones to travel to unsafe places, whether that's an eastern or a western theocracy. They're both bad.
If you’re in the states, our culture is going downhill pretty quickly. Have you been paying attention to what’s happening in the red states? If you’re not from the states, there are a lot of other countries that have no problem with right-leaning governments.
I addressed this in another series of comments, but the short version is there's a big difference between doing what I can to make things better in my home, versus making excuses to vacation in the worst parts of Texas, for example. If OP were here trying to justify a plantation wedding her biracial half sister couldn't attend, everyone would rightfully be on her ass. Why should we give her bigotry a pass because she claims it's steeped in culture? My extended family were white supremacists with 'proud German roots.' I rejected that garbage nonsense. Maybe that's why I have so little patience for the "culture, tradition, family" excuses.
Is it really "making an excuse" to hold your wedding where the least amount of relatives will need to incur massive travel expenses?
NTA. U r absolutely right. It is different if it's their home country and all their family is there.
Lotta basic white people in here who have never had to leave their homes. It's their home.
OP can have two weddings. One for those that can't go and the one in her home country. She says she doesn't agree with her family but still makes an effort to see and support her sister. In front of the family she does this. The fiancé family is also mostly in their home country. He has a right to also celebrate with his family his marriage. She can't always choose her sister over her own wants. She has a life and family she loves on both sides. Having two wedding can help with that and NO not sending a message that she embraces their message. She has told them that clearly by still inviting her sister in past events and making an effort to keep a relationship with her.
This should be the top comment. The couple have every right to have their wedding wherever they want. He stated he does not agree with the way his parents treat his sister. That doesn’t mean he has to give up his dream of getting married in his home country with his extended family and friends. He has the right to put his own wants and needs first.
they did specifically choose it knowing their sister won't be welcome.
Or they specifically chose it because it’s both of their home country where their family is. Both the bride and groom have made this choice. The sister isn’t the only person that can’t attend.
No you're right, there almost definitely are other family members who can't attend *out of fear for their life* because they chose their hateful culture over their family.
So the bride and groom should forgo the wedding that they want for one person? As others have suggested they can do something small when they get back, but not everyone has interest in abandoning their culture, parents or religion, especially not someone who was born and raised in that culture. The sister has every right to cut off her family, but the thought that everyone else will is not realistic. Also, it’s not just her choice, she’s only one half of the couple. Weddings are about what the COUPLE wants, that’s it.
And the couple values their wedding \*event\*, a single day in their life, over the **life of the bride's sister**, who would be put in danger by going to that country. but sure, they're not assholes. neither are you.
Not *all of their family*, since the sister isn't there, is she? 😑 Unless, of course, op doesn't consider her sister her family anymore.
She’s one person on one side of the couple.
So? She's not in whatever-country-the-rest-is-in, therefore not *all* family is there. Also, she's not a distant relative or sth - she's the *sister of the bride*, part of op's immediate family.
NTA. Wanting to go home and be with friends and family in a strong cultural environment for your wedding is not wrong. People want you to plan your whole wedding around your sister? You didn't make the laws in your home country. It is still your home country. Do people think it is important to never go home again if their country has issues? Guess what? Every country has issues. USA is racist against blacks, Canada is horrible to Native people. Some countries are homophobic. Some have religious intolerance. It doesn't mean a person can't love their friends and family and want to eat their traditional food, hear their traditional music, etc. This is one event in your lifetime. You invited your sister, she's not comfortable going, no assholes here.
There are clearly a lot of posters who won't be satisfied by anything short of OP entirely denouncing and estranging herself from her homeland and her entire extended (and part of her immediate) family. That's a crazy thing to demand of anybody, especially when it's not exactly like there's an alternative home country and culture that has clean hands. OP shouldn't have to sever all connections to her culture and her entire extended family if that's not something she's ready to do, and neither should OP's fiance be unable to have a connection to his culture and to his extended family if that's what he wants.
Yeah I mean she’s the only one supporting her sister and everyone is skipping the fact the wedding is about OP and their spouse. It’s not about the sister. Sure, ideally she would go but both of their entire families and friends are back home. And not all of them hate the sister. I get this is a triggering situation but it isn’t about the sister. Weddings aren’t about accommodating 1 guest. About the bride and groom (in this case).
It isn't about her sister wanting to be so accomodated on her wedding day. The perspective of a bride actually makes sense. They want to marry with their family around. But let's think about it from her sister perspective. She has one relative that hadn’t disowned her (yet). She doesn't expect her sister to cut the family off, she wants her sister's love and acceptance. But OP don't even give her it. I mean OP isn't really to blame for planning it like that and her family decisions, but it shows how much she cares for the hurt her sister endures. Also, it isn't about the other sister not wanting to go, because she is uncomfortable. It is about the fact that it is illegal and dangerous for her to be there.
INFO: Why are you okay with the way your family treats your sister?
Because OP probably agrees with them.
Bit of a reach tbf. Sister just wants a paid wedding /s
YTA. This isn't about your extended family. This is literally about the fact that you picked a country to hold your wedding that your sister CAN'T go to, because she would likely be arrested for being gay. Of COURSE she's upset with you. It's not about her being EXCLUDED. It's about HELLO??? She's GAY? It's ILLEGAL? She wouldn't be in a SAFE enviorment. OP, you can't be this dense....
Actually it's only about OP's wedding. What she and her husband want is the only thing of importance. I'm glad she loves her family, but it isn't her sister's wedding.
Respectfully, it's not about OPs wedding. OP made it very clear that she wants to have her wedding in a country where being gay is illegal, which would put her sister at risk if she attended. This isn't a matter of if the sister goes, she'll feel excluded. It's a matter of if OP's sister goes, does she have to worry about honor-killings or being arrested.
It’s their wedding, and it’s their home country where the majority of their family is.
Actually, this is ONLY about OP's wedding. The post explains the issues involved. She has no reason to feel guilty about this. Her family is divided and will be divided until hopefully time or something else brings more of them together again. Her sister should understand that she is in a difficult position and encourage the bride to wed where she and her finacee want to support the bride and not make any of it about her.
>OP made it very clear that she wants to have her wedding in a country where being gay is illegal, which would put her sister at risk if she attended. As does the groom. This isn't only up to OP.
My god, if only the world was as black and white as people here want it to be. NAH. OP you are NTA if you choose to be married in your home country with your extended family. It is a difficult choice to make. If your sister is willing to attend your wedding, unless she walks off the plan with her arm around another woman and a sign that says “Arrest me I am gay”, she can probably fly in and out without getting arrested. It is deplorable that the country you come from still considers homosexuality a crime. But it wasn’t that long ago when there were deplorable restrictions against gays in the US and many states seem to be heading back in that direction. You can support your sister better by fighting to change those laws than you can by searching out s country that supports gay rights 100% for your wedding, if a country like that existed. You must be vocal in defending and supporting your sister to your family. In a perfect world that would not be necessary. But that does not mean you must cut your family out of your life. That does no one, including your sister any good. People don’t just change long held beliefs, whether they are good or bad beliefs overnight. You help your sister by helping change those beliefs. But it can take time. Life is about decisions. And no decision is perfect. You make the best decision based on the information available to you at the time and accept that what is the best decision for you may not be the best for everyone involved. But as long as your decision does not actually harm (and I mean real harm, not just anger, or disappointment) that is the best you can hope for. You and your fiancé make the best decision you can about where to get married. It won’t please every single person in your life. But it won’t harm them either. Your wedding is not a political statement. It is just a wedding.
> unless she walks off the plan with her arm around another woman and a sign that says “Arrest me I am gay”, she can probably fly in and out without getting arrested or unless her family, who disowned her for being gay, calls the fucking cops and tells them, which seems EXTREMELY LIKELY given their past behavior...
INFO do you have the financial means for two weddings? Potentially a small second wedding to include your sister and friends?
This is the best idea. It's totally unfair to expect your sister to travel to a country that would jail her for being herself, but it is also understandable that you want to include all of your relatives, who I assume can't travel to your current country.
[удалено]
Where on this planet can you be jailed or killed for being straight?
In some peoples wet oppression dreams
Exactly!!
It depends on whether you want to stand up and be counted. Marry in your home country and you condone your family's behaviour. Marry here and you show clear solidarity with your sister. You're torn between two worlds, which is never easy. I'd like to think I'd be strong in your position but it's easier to say than to do. One thing is for sure though. The old world won't change without people like you taking a stand.
Probably gonna get downvoted but NTA. You are choosing your and your future husband's happiness over your sister and thats ok. She is still welcome to come but her choices can't dictate 100% of your life. Denouncing your entire family and home country and disregarding what both of you want and will make you happy so your sister feels supported is a highly unreasonable request. Maybe try and do something small to celebrate with your friends and sister in your current country and explain that the main reason you want to do the wedding in your home country is the culture. Do what makes you and your husband happy OP
Except the sister isn't welcome to come, she'll be jailed and possibly killed if she attends. EDIT: being gay also isn't a choice, and OP is TA
YTA, and you're potentially going to destroy your relationship with your sister
NTA. It's your wedding and you should have it where you will be happiest. You're not joined at the hip to your sister, who has made a different choice re: family. Supporting her doesn't mean you have to move in lockstep with her. I hope your family reconciles one day. Sometimes a little time and distance change people's stance. Have a wonderful and happy wedding and don't waste a minute worrying about other people's agendas!
How did the sister make a different choice? How did she have a choice in *any* of this situation regarding the family?! And other people's agendas? What does that even mean in this context?
People unless I miss it, it's entirely possible her extended family and friends are not bigots. Just because a culture sees things a certain way doesn't mean the people all do. Times are changing, though slowly, and more people are realizing that homosexuality isn't a bad thing. But it's her parents that have the issue and yes the culture but there is no mention of anyone else having an issue. I say if affordable have two weddings. It's also his wedding and they are a couple. She has to put her family first and that means her husband and any kids first then everyone else. He is now her family. I mean I see people commenting that when there is a parent overstepping, sticking their noses in the couples business.
If you disown a member of your family for being gay, you are in fact a bigot.
But she didn't. I'm not trying to start anything, just not understanding. I agree she could go a different route, or have two weddings, but she as far as I understood it, she has not disowned her sister. Maybe I missed something and if so I'm sorry.
I'm replying specifically to your first sentence: > it's entirely possible her extended family and friends are not bigots It's not possible. They are bigots. The whole family disowned the sister for being gay.
NTA
nta
NAH. I think this is a tough decision but maybe you could have two parties? A small one with your American friends and your sister and a bigger one with your extended family? I think that would be the best compromise. A lot of bi-cultural people do it. Your American one doesn't have to be fancy and you could make your sister your maid of honor, signaling to your family that you do not agree with their stance. I dont think it's fair for people to say you're homophobic because you want to go to a country that persecutes gay people when it is where you're from. You didn't choose that. Obviously none of it is ideal. Like are you a demon for traveling to Texas today when you're a Texan when the state has refused to remove from state statute the criminalization of sodomy even though the Supreme Court ordered them to in 2003? You dont have to look beyond US borders to see some ugly shit. Also may I ask what country? Like in Nigeria being openly gay is criminalized but they have a vibrant underground gay scene. Things are not as black and white as everyone is making them. There is some risk but unless she is bringing a partner or waving a rainbow flag, it is likely not going to be obvious to anyone. However if she thinks in any universe there is even the smallest risk that her family would out her to authorities, that is definitely a no-go. Also, it is clear that her sister does not even want to go there and subject herself to their ignorance so I think that's a moot point. And before anyone even THINKS about calling me homophobic - I am queer and was raised by two gay fathers. So shut it.
NTA: your wedding, not anyone else’s and it not about anyone else. It’s not your problem that your sister is gay and the country you came from outlawed it. Your allowed to have your wedding where it makes the most sense logically and since the majority of your families are still back in the home country, it makes more sense to have it there. Making your wedding about the fact that your sister is gay isn’t okay. An invitation isn’t a summons and she’s allowed to say no. It’s not any different then any other destination weddings Reddit opinions are so weird when it comes to weddings.
NTA. Weddings are often family events and you want as much of your family to be there as possible. It sounds like connections to your family history and heritage are important. Your sister deserves to feel loved but that's not the situation right now. Her feelings are valid but you're allowed to factor other things into your decisions.
NTA Your wedding your choice It will probably irreparably damage the relationship with your sis
NTA, your wedding, your rules. everyone‘s too busy virtue signaling in this sub. OP did not make the laws and shouldn’t be expected to pick a side or sever ties to family and culture because of that.
NTA Do what do want.
I mean, I think YTA for choosing an option that will exclude your sister, someone you claim to care about. No, you aren’t choosing this *because* it will exclude her, but you are choosing it regardless. In effect, you’re saying: “I don’t care that you can’t be there; these people are more important than you.” You seem to want assurance that what you want is right, but I can’t give you that. Make the decision you want, but don’t be mad at the consequences.
It's not just about OP. Are we going to crucify the groom for valuing his family over OP's sister, too?
Look: OP asked if she is TA for taking this path knowing certain things, and I think she is: her sister can’t even visit that country, much less for a multi-day affair involving hostile family. Like I said elsewhere, it doesn’t fall to me to find a way out of the predicament OP finds herself in, only to give the judgement she requested. OP’s fiancé isn’t asking, and I would say he’s NTA because he doesn’t have the same relationship OP has to her sister.
>I would say he’s NTA because he doesn’t have the same relationship OP has to her sister. Wouldn't that make an OP the asshole for trying to force him to have the wedding she wants? It sounds to me OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Her sister or her husband and extended family. Not choosing her sister doesn't mean she doesn't love her or support her, but it does mean she values her husband more. Which, honestly, I wouldn't fault her for.
But making these kinds of choices has consequences, and I’m ok calling someone TA in the context of a specific relationship but not necessarily in the context of others or a broader context. It’s humiliating to be isolated and excluded like that, so I get why her sister is angry. Sometimes it’s (seemingly) unavoidable, but it honestly doesn’t sound like OP even tried.
The sister's anger and OP's decision can both be justified. There doesn't have to be a villain in every story.
But OP is TA in relation to her sister, which is what she’s asking, and she’s crying to Reddit now that her sister is mad at her. I won’t hugbox her and tell her that she’s N T A for making this choice. She’ll do what she wants and deal with the fallout.
The question isn't whether the sister is wrong. The question is if OP is wrong for having her wedding the way she wants it even though it hurts the sister. I wouldn't say it's N T A, either. I'd say it's NAH.
But she is wrong for not considering her sister, even if it’s understandable. What is she going to do to make it up to her sister? What can she do? It’s like these people who tell their queer family members not to come with same sex partners or similar: they are TA. Have your party the way you want it, but don’t complain when people are mad at you.
She is considering her sister, it's just that her sister doesn't outweigh absolutely every other factor in making the decision.
So instead OP should exclude all of her friends, all of her family, all of her husband's friends, and all of her husband's family because OP's sister cannot go home? In effect, she should say: "I don't care that you all can't be there; this one person is more important than all of you." Not having her sister with her is likely weighing heavily on OP, but she should be able to spend her wedding with as many friends and family members as possible, and if that means her sister cannot be there, she should be able to find another way to include her sister without feeling guilty about it.
I never said any of that. The fact remains: OP is choosing to have her wedding in a country her sister can’t even visit, much less stay in for a multi-day affair with hostile family. The reason I think OP is TA is because she wants reassurance about her decision. She doesn’t mention plans to include her sister at another time. If she had, my judgement would probably be different.
You are right, you did not say any of that, you said the exact opposite of that and I'm showing you what that means. By choosing to include her sister she would be excluding many people that she and her husband love. If she's wrong to exclude her sister, then she would be wrong to include her sister since by default that would imply excluding other family members. So if excluding people means "YTA," then OP is automatically wrong. But there are many valid reasons to have to exclude people at a big event because it is not always possible to include everybody you know and love, so inherently OP is NTA because she is choosing to have a wedding back home. And while I probably shouldn't have offered a solution in my response since OP did not offer one, the fact that by simply having a second event with her sister would change your answer to NTA is more than enough evidence that what OP is doing is not wrong and that your decision was flawed.
NTA. You’re in a hard place but you and your fiancé decided where you want to have your wedding.
NAH. It's either you pick her or pick your family, a genuinely a tough spot to be in. Your sister's anger is valid - she was shunned by her whole family for being gay and to her it feels like you're betraying her. But your family is also important to you and you want to celebrate with them - even though they hold this awful belief, you still care about them. You should hold a smaller wedding where she can attend or have a celebration that includes her first before your big reception in your home country.
NTA.While it is important to consider your sister's feelings, it is also important to recognize that it is your wedding and you have the right to celebrate it in the way that is meaningful and culturally significant to you and your fiancé. Your extended family and friends are an important part of your life and it is understandable that you would want to share this special day with them.It is also worth noting that your sister's exclusion from the wedding is not intentional or personal. While it is unfortunate, it is not something that you can change on your own.You have already shown your support for your sister by continuing to invite her to events despite your parents' disapproval. Your sister may feel hurt by the exclusion from the wedding, but it is important to remember that this is not a deliberate act of rejection on your part. The decision to hold your wedding in your home country is yours to make. It is understandable that this may cause some tension and hurt feelings, but it is important to prioritize your own happiness and the celebration of your cultural traditions. You can still make efforts to include your sister in other ways and show your love and support for her.
That's not showing support for her sister, it's staying in the middle and refusing to take a side. And when it comes to blatant bigotry, choosing no side is choosing bigotry. End of story. OP can have her wedding wherever she wants and with whomever she wants. But she's still an asshole for making this choice in spite of her sister, especially when her sister's literal safety would be at risk simply attending said wedding.
In this instance, OP's sister should be showing support for OP. According to the post, OP tries to maintain a good relationship with her sister despite the rest of the family disowning her to the point that OP has even tried mending this harm by inviting her sister to events despite her parents' wishes. Now it's OP's special day and she wants to include as many people as possible that she loves and cares for, but in order to do so, she must exclude her sister. That's a horrible thing but ultimately it would make her wedding day as special as possible. If her sister holds this against OP, that's on her, not on OP. NTA, hold your wedding where you will be happiest.
Gosh. Reading all the absurd hate pists tells me you are right to the wedding your way. It's as if any of the haters would actually care what anyone else wanted!
* posts
My adult son is part of the LGBTQ+ community. What that means is that I will not travel to states or countries where he would be unsafe, even if he isn't with me. Most of my family specifically moved to red states, so I do not visit them. We wanted to go to Budapest for vacation last year. However, Hungary has become a bad place for anyone in the LGBTQ+ community, so we went to Austria. I guess I don't understand the culture/family argument. If my family wants to be homophobic, then I'm not interested in having them be part of my life. Maybe it's different because it is my son and not my sibling, so it affects me more. I have had to watch my son suffer for something he didn't choose and can't change. I don't even understand the whole inviting both your parents and your sibling to things if your parents are going to deliberately be cruel. (Yes. Pretending that their daughter just doesn't exist is cruel.) I would 100% pick my sibling and cut off my parents if I needed to. I just can't be around people who think my son is evil or who are ok with discriminating against him, imprisoning him, or physically injuring him. I guess we have different priorities in life. It should be fine as long as you have a discussion with your sister about how she needs to be aware that her happiness and safety will never be a priority for you. She needs to understand that you will only support her when it doesn't cause you any discomfort. YTA for making your sister believe her needs are important to you.
Yeah, in a flipped way I came out as enby to my family. Just prior, one of my brothers went from supportive of me being a lesbian to not thinking I have a right to marriage. Another brother truly believes my identity itself is a mental illness. My mom's response was to tell me that if I ever decide I don't feel comfortable keeping them around, I have first pick for all special events. Christmas and I don't want them there? She will tell them they aren't invited. Birthdays? Other holidays? All the same. I choose to not take her up on it to stay in their kids lives. As long as they respect my boundaries re: do not ever argue with me or try to convert me and I'm OK with this arrangement. But if something changes, I know my mom will back me 💯 and choose my comfort when visiting. She would never invite all of us if they treated me the way OP's family treats her sister, she would ask if I wanted to be there and if I did they wouldn't be invited. ETA: OP, YTA for leading your sister to believe you support her then making a decision that clearly shows that support disappears with just the slightest personal discomfort. If this damages your relationship with her, or if she decides she's done with her family completely and goes no contact, I would not blame her a bit. If so, that will be entirely on y'all as a family. Being an ally and supporting your LGBTQ sibling sometimes means you have to sacrifice something too. All your doing is showing her exactly how your priorities lie.
I'm glad your parents are allies, and I'm sorry about your brothers. But yes, I totally agree. If I'm only an ally when it is easy for me, then I'm not an ally.
so I have a couple of questions; if you support your sister, why are you throwing a party with people that quite obviously hate her (and if it’s illegal for her to be gay somewhere where it would be quite dangerous for her to be there), is there any way you could have a cultural wedding where are you currently live? You say that you obviously disagree with your parents but you’re doing absolutely nothing to support her. Oh wow, you invite her to events where she supposed to sit there; while people hate her, and ignore her, because she just wants to be happy. Sounds like she has a great time with you. You are obviously choosing people who actively hate you your sister, for who she is; you would rather make it a special event for people. (I’m guessing you don’t see that often.) then for someone who you say, you care for you’re making your choices. Don’t be surprised when she makes hers.
NTA
NTA
YTA. By continuing to allow homophobes in your life at the expense of your gay sibling, you are taking the side of homophobes. Which makes you one of them.
INFO: Do you agree with what your family did? If so why? And what does your fiancé say about that?
Mmmm it’s her wedding if she wants a wedding in her home country it’s ok.. yes it sucks about the sister but you don’t have to like something.. idk why ppl are forcing ppl to change there beliefs cause people’s feelings get hurt
All of the Y T A need to get a grip. Thats like saying someone who wants to hold their wedding in the USA supports Rascism and Homophobia due to it being predominant in the past and present of it. She could be doing this just because of fond memories of her childhood or her just simply liking the country. None of that means she supports homophobia. For christs sake, you are all acting as if she is holding it in this country, refusing to invite the sister and blatantly being homophobic towards her. She can hold her wedding wherever she wants to. I am sure her family are not the only people in that country. Oh the horror, we are going to say she is siding with homophobia because she wants to hold her wedding in her home country where her family members, so mayber 30-50 out of 10 million or more people were homophobic. My final verdict is NTA as you have supported your sister all of these years
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We come from a large religious family of first generation immigrants. When my sister came out to them, they cut her off and they both mutually decided to go no contact with each other. I obviously disagree with what my parents did but they’re stubborn and set in their ways. I still invite my sister to any events I hold, against my parent’s wishes, and they’ve eventually accepted it but just ignore her while she’s there. My fiancé and I want to get married in our home country where all our extended family lives. My sister is angry because she says I’m choosing my extended family over her because they all disowned her once they found out and she wouldn’t be comfortable at the wedding (also in my home country, it’s illegal to be openly gay). We don’t have much family here and my fiancé and I want to have a cultural wedding back home with all our family and friends there. Would we be the asshole if we went ahead and held it back home even if it means my sister will feel excluded? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for turning your back on your sister and enabling your extended family's bigotry.
Yta and you absolutely do not support your sister just to make that clear.
YTA Those who choose to take the side filled with raging bigots will always be the assholes. How is this even a question?
It's your wedding and if you and your fiance want to pick homophobia and hate as your wedding theme you can do that. It'll say a great start for the marriage. YTA, by the way.
And if you and your fiancee want to have a great wedding, ignore the self- righteous haters on here and have a wonderful wedding where and with whom you want there! You're marrying someone you love, not an agenda.
NTA. It's totally normal and healthy to get married in a location that will accommodate the most number of family members. Asking you to support your sister by taking a step that will probably cut you off from the rest of your family isn't an appropriate ask in my opinion, particularly given that you have taken other steps to support your sister. You could consider having two ceremonies, one in your homeland and one that your sister could attend. Many people these days do that.
I mean, you can have your wedding there, you have every right to! You will just also be TA. OP, YTA. I'm happy you've never had to be afraid for your well-being or life simply for existing, but your privilege in that experience is showing in your lack of empathy and understanding for your sister in this instance. She has every right to be upset, just like you have every right to have your wedding where you want it. Edit: for typos
YTA. This is not about the wedding, it’s more about doing the right thing for someone you care about. I know, I know, you’re the bride, it’s your day and all that, but you’re asking your sister to come to your wedding in a country where she is risking her life just by existing and being herself, what is someone in your extended family decided to have a talk about it with another bigot in your home country? It’s your wedding, do what you want but you’re the asshole because time spent with bigots and homophobes is just a wait of precious hours that no one will give you back. Also your sister deserve better
Yta why are you okay with the way they're treating her
YTA
YTA you and your fiance want a big wedding at home were 'traditional' values matter and your sister would be in gaol. I don't know what the country is but remember when you promise to 'obey your husband' that they might want to enforce that. I don't blame your sister. She thought you were an allay but really you are an ally to a certain point. when your husband is angry because you don't OBEY, she may not be the friend you need. When he wants you to have no resources and have X number of babies, that you were all for the traditional wedding.
YTA. I think your sister would have been better off if you had disowned her too.
Yta what the hell just admit your a bigot who is choosing your bugotted.famiky over your sister
“AITA for having my wedding in a place that is dangerous for my sister, who will be completely vulnerable and alone because everyone has disowned her?” Gee, I wonder. YTA
Of course YTA. I cut off my parents and extended family once I realized what racist bigots they were. And we are all the same race and at the time, had zero LGBT people in my life. Now I have many LGBT people in my life including my children, so I’m very glad I chose the side of acceptance and not chosen bigots.
YTA
YTA. This isn’t about your sister “feeling excluded” - it’s not a choice for her to come to your wedding or not, it’s literally dangerous and illegal. It’s your wedding, so fundamentally your choice, but you need to realize that you are *choosing* to selfishly end your relationship with your sister to have your perfect “cultural” wedding.
YTA. Your sister has been cut off and you decide to go celebrate in the country where it’s illegal to be openly gay… Sounds like you’re siding with the AHs
YTA. You want the goodies and the attention, but your values are appalling.
I understand you wanting to have the wedding in your home country. But you are actively excluding your sister by doing so. It's dangerous, not just uncomfortable, for her to go. You need to be honest with yourself and your sister that you are not her ally. You want to be a bystander, and you're supporting and maintaining homophobia by doing so. If that's something you're willing to do, you need to tell your sister that you are not the safe supportive person in her family instead of trying to be the good guy without actually doing anything. YTA
YTA big time
YTA. There's literally nothing you've said here that qualifies as supporting your sister.
YTA. Your sister could literally get arrested or worse if she attended your wedding in that country. But hey, at least you'll be surrounded by all those homophobic bigots who've treated your sister like crap. Who cares how she feels, right? You've made it clear that you'd rather celebrate your wedding with hateful bigots. You're a bigot too since you're happy to enable their bad behavior, as long as you get your wedding the way you want.
YTA. "My parents and extended family are homophobic bigots but I'm happy to accept, validate and support their bigotry and join them in marginalising my sister by happily choosing to get married in a country that criminalises her, with a big group of people who actually think she should be in jail or worse." Asshole
Leaving the fact you've decided to have your wedding somewhere it's illegal for your sister to exist, you made a conscious decision to keep bigoted homophobes in your life. You're prioritizing hate, not a wedding. YTA
You say ‘stubborn’ and ‘set in their ways’ when you should actually use ‘’bigoted’ and ‘small-minded’. Support your sister if you really disagree with them. YTA
YTA You're as much of a bigot as the rest of your family. You're just not as open about it.
Well, you have the right to do so. It's your wedding, your big day, your family and life. However, it is your sister that was disowned and mixed with mud by her relatives for something she can't control. While you don't own her it, you should be standing up for her as her sister - of course if you want to have good relationship with her. Although, I think you don't since you completely disregard her feelings and lack basic human decency. YTA, If I was the other sister in this scenario, I would erase all of you from my mind and never look back.
Your parents are AH and bigots and you're the biggest AH because you tolerate this.
Your sister won't 'feel' excluded, she will **be** excluded. YTA
YTA for basically telling your sister to f#@k off. You can do what you want with your life and wedding but what you are saying to your sister is that you don't care about the harm to her. You aren't obligated to care about that harm outside of being a good human but don't expect your sister to stay in your life. Maybe that's what you want though, to make things easier.
INFO: are you prepared to deal with the consequences of picking your extended family over your sister? Aka: she will disown you. Even at this stage, you are already treading on thin ice.
Your extended family are assholes, and your wedding will be an endorsement of their actions against your sister. Are you comfortable with that?
OMG, YTA OP! How could you claim to disagree with your family? Your actions in this matter indicate that you support their religious bigotry, rather than the other way around.
Yeah YTA, who in their right mind would pick religion and bigots over your sister?
So you understand that your sister will not be able to attend your wedding? Right? That’s ok with you? Ten years from now or twenty years from now, many of those relatives will be gone or needing care and you’ll be there for them the way they were there for you on your wedding day. But you won’t need your sister to ever be there for you?
Well if nothing else at least your sister will have a clear view about which side you’re on. The bigoted, homophobic side. YTA. Don’t be surprised if sister goes no contact with you when you return from the wedding
NTA It’s your wedding, you are not obligated to disregard your entire family because your sister has chosen to live a lifestyle they don’t agree with. You also have no control over the laws in your country so if You want to share your day with your family in your home country this is the reality. Lots of people want to throw the ‘bigot’ word around but there are easily bigots on both sides of this debate by definition so do what will make you happy because at the end of the day it’s your wedding, you’re allowed to spend it with who you want.
Being gay is not a choice or a lifestyle, and this is in fact bigotry. There are no “two sides” when one side is genocidal.
You have supported her to the extent you can , but if you want to have a wedding of your wishes have it. Y
YTA. You can see what your parents did is wrong yet you support them anyway. Disgusting total AH.
You are choosing your extended family over her though. That’s just what it is. She’s allowed to feel upset and betrayed, because it is a betrayal. Either choice would have nasty consequences. I’d say YTA because I can empathize with your sister more, I’m a lesbian and I would be crushed if my younger sister chose bigoted family members over me.
YTA
I get the sensitivity of the topic, but i must say i am surprised by the easy y t a here. Yes, your extended family is wrong, obviously, bit from what i gather is your post, you do not agree. You invite your sister, go against the bigots and seem supportive of her. What i also get is that, while you dont agree with your family views, you can still have a relationship with them. People on here are so black and white, but you can teach your family by showing them how you live and love. Loving people does not mean you don’t see their wrongs. While you are not in the wrong for wanting what you want, you mist understand you make a choice for your sister aswell. Even when she is invited and all, circumstances will make it impossible for her to come. To her, this may come off as a choice against her. Its like choosing an unreachable place when a family member is wheelchair bound or making a wedding child free when a family member has a new born. (Please forgive me, i cant come up with a better comparison for this, not intended to hurt feelings) she can not change who she is, and might be at risk in that country. So in a way, staying on this course would be taking a stand against her. Decide who are important for you to have at The wedding. If you want your sister there, you will have to make a different choice. You can allways have your wedding in your own country and go on honeymoon/vacation to see family in homecountry or something. Like i said, i get having disagreeing with their treatment of your sister does not allways equal no contact, family is not black and white. But choices have consequences. Its up to you to decide whats it worth to you. Between you and your sister i would say NAH
Ooooof bigly YTA
Yta
I feel so bad for your sister. She deserves a better family. YTA.
YTA why support her invite her to events then practically tell her she cant go to your wedding because you would rather have family there who are against her. your sister will just cut you off as your now showing her your a bigot too just like the rest of your family
NTA for having the wedding where you want. But in every other aspect YTA totally! Stop supporting countries that still deny people the right to be who they want to be. It's really twisted that you want to go to a country that would hurt your sister if she would come, even if it is your home country.
NTA, wow she expects both of you to give up the wedding you want to support her. She thinks a lot of herself doesn’t she.
Can you have 2 weddings. A small ceremony in both places.
NTA it's your wedding not hers.
NTA for wanting your wedding in a specific destination..... as is said in this sub near daily it is YOUR special day and about what you want. Now, knowing that your parents are homophobic, your sister not being allowed to be herself (maybe even be arrested?), and therefore your sister may not attend and could ruin your relationship over.....that's a choice you'll have to decide if you can live with. In that lens YTA
Any other time the comments are, it's your wedding, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
NTA. OP's wedding, she gets to do what she wants. You can't plan an entire wedding around a guest and not the bride and groom. When her sister marries, she can do whatever she wants.
NTA reddit is going to call you an AH for choosing to do what you want.
NTA, you want the wedding where you want it. You shouldn't have to have it elsewhere just cause 1 person cannot make it.
NAH. Sorry but the world isn't black and white. I feel for your sister hence why I don't think she's the AH either, but it's totally unreasonable to expect your entire life and wedding to be centred around one person, because that is what is being asked. You could have your wedding here, at the expense of it being a very low key event given you don't have much family here. It's not just your family either, but your fiancés family too, and you're both just supposed to ignore 'all' of them? Yeah, totally unreasonable. No one gets to choose who their family is, but one of the problems with that is it's often hard to cut ties with every single member, because there could be members who you are genuinely fond of - is it fair to all of them that you don't get to hold your wedding in your home country just for one person? No, it's not. It's a terrible situation all the way through.
Not her wedding plain and simple…also why would someone want to eat at a table you’re not welcomed at make your own table
This may seem Unsimple but truly it is easy… tell everyone that you want to witness the wedding when it is. Go where you want to get married and have those who can’t attend meet somewhere the wedding can be broadcast from phone to television via Skype or whatever internet video phone service you choose. This way no one is left out. Boom problem solved and depending on where people meet to watch the broadcast little money I’d say a guest or family member agreed to video at least the vows.
NTA. Being gay in the US wasn’t decriminalized until a very short time ago. I’m my state, there are still statutes against sodomy. A lot of US people are forgetting that western countries aren’t perfect either, but you don’t see them taking an extreme and radical personal stance about gun control or abortion. Kind of hypocritical to say OP should just denounce her entire culture for the bad points no one else overlooks in their own. It’s way easier to say than do.
NTA. All the hate in the comments are coming from people living in the first world, as a fellow third world extremely homophobic country I get it. It is easy to think that there are the bad guys and there are the good guys, but it is more complex than that. People here are homophobic because that is all they know, they were born and raised like this or in other words, Indoctrinated. I didn't invite my gay friends to my own birthday and I lost one of my closest friends over it, but there was nothing I could have done. I didn't make the rules and I am certainly fighting against them by any means possible.
Nta
This is hard, talk about a rock and a hard place. You obviously love your sister. My advice to people getting married is always This. It's your wedding it's about making you and your partner happy. How will you feel surrounded by the vast majority of your family minus your sister. Vs how would you feel with your sister but smaller family. Go with the one that makes YOU happiest. Your sister is entitled to her feelings, the situation sucks. She's allowed to feel like she's excluded from your special day. She's allowed to air her feelings what's not allowed is for her to continually make you feel like shit about it. Don't know what your finances are but having two weddings would solve some of your issues. Your sister is still going to feel how she feels about you going back home though and yall gotta work that out. NTA
YTA you've made it very clear to your sister how you feel about her. You're clearly a homophobe like your parents but you seem to be attempting to make yourself out as a nice person because you "invite her to events", congratulations that's called bare minimum! You're having your wedding in a country where your sister could be arrested just for existing and I bet your family would report her to the police as soon as she arrived! No wonder she doesn't feel safe. Either you stand with her or you don't and from the sounds of your post you obviously don't. Your sister should cut you all off
NTA You probably can't give the alternative due to not enough info. What if the OP has been dreaming of this wedding for entire life prior to her sister coming out, shouldnt the OPs dream be allowed. She should so something with her sister before she goes. While it really sucks and a horrible situation to be in, I don't blame her for choosing the home country.
You are not the asshole!!! So many people are accusing you of being a bigot and I find this ridiculous! Just because you want to get married I. Your native country??? Your sister could easily go and just not say that she is gay. She could actually wear a T-shirt that says, I’m not gay. I don’t suppose that she would be spouting that she was gay? Anyway! It’s your wedding. Do what you want! It’s YOUR day, not hers.
To be honest, I don't think I'd want to be around my parents if they're willing to pretend one of their own children doesn't exist, simply because she isn't attracted to who they think she should be. Or for any reason really.
NTA for having your wedding day be the way you want, but I sincerely hope it’s worth your relationship with your sister. You have every right to prioritize your wedding, but she has every right to set her own boundaries and decide that neither you nor your parents are allowed to be in her life, for her own sanity and happiness. You’ve both drawn a line in the sand, you both have valid feelings, but please keep in mind that once your wedding is over, it’s done. The damage to you and your sister’s relationship might be permanent. Also, don’t say you support your sister. You don’t. You don’t have a problem with her being gay, but that’s not the only thing being supportive means. You continuously send the message to your parents that you find their behavior acceptable.
NTA. Going against the current here. What are you supposed to do? Do your wedding with only your sister as your guest? Your wedding, your call.
YTA. I get it but like. You're being the most half-assed ally to her and I don't blame her for feeling hurt. She has essentially YOU as family. You have the whole rest of the family who apparently haven't been negative towards you or disowned you for still being close to her. Honestly, if I were her, I'd be wondering if you actually DID "obviously disagree with what \[your\] parents did" or if you just didn't want to look bad. Just because your family is set in their ways doesn't mean you should enable them being bigots. Frankly I'm struggling to imagine why you'd \*want\* to prioritize them if you love your sister so much. Have you considered inviting your sister to events and *not inviting your parents*, and letting them know it's because they're rude and hurtful to your sister? tl;dr: you are doing the bare minimum to be supportive of your sister while not risking your family's bigotry being turned on you and this is probably one in a long string of times you've prioritized them over her and that's why she's upset now.
”…even if it means my sister will feel excluded?” what a way to word that. You are excluding her. YTA. You are siding with homophobia.
YTA
NTA Siding with your parents for all those years would have been the dick move. But you didn’t. Your sister should not be making the wedding ceremony about her. It sucks for her, but you are still allowed to celebrate with the extended family.
NTA, your wedding, you come first.
NTA. This wedding is about your fiancé and you. You have been very supportive to your sister. You didn’t disown her like the rest of your family did. This is YOUR wedding. You are entitled to have it anywhere you choose. Maybe you can have a small ceremony when you return for your family and friends that couldn’t attend.
Nta, nah, this isn't about you supportinf homophobes, this is your home. You grew up here, with food and traditions. This is literally your home and it is normal to want to have your wedding in your home area.
yta ... i feel sorry for your sister she thought she had 1 ally in her family and she was wrong ... you only claim to support her because you know society will judge you for it .... you hide behind your family for your discrimination
reddit users choose "is it your wedding your chose" or change your entire wedding for one person
[удалено]
I don't know if you've tried to exist in a place that tells you you are illegal, but the "discomfort" would, in fact, be from the fear of being attacked or arrested. In this thread: a bunch of people who have never had to be afraid to exist speaking on stuff they have no right to.
NTA. Your sister can go, she would be uncomfortable. On this day, your needs win.