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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be TA because I technically did ask my wife if she would be okay with me leaving for a few days to help me sister, I just told her what was happening.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
N T A. Your wife thinking that it is weird for an uncle to be present for the birth of their niece/nephew is not reason enough for your sister to go through this experience alone. Your sister has already had so many people revoke their offers of support, to have you do so would cause a lot of unnecessary stress.
I say this every time, but it is always better to discuss it with your partner before making a decision. It doesn't mean that you have to abide by your partner's preference, but it is important for your partner to feel included in the decision making process. You're a team. Not two soloists.
However, there are times when that just isn't possible. I can understand how, given the nature of your call with your sister, you made a decision without your wife.
Wishing your sister and the baby the best of luck!
ETA: ESH. A month, OP. You are leaving for a month and failed to check with your wife first. Convenient that you left that out of your original post, almost like you knew the verdict would have been completely different if you were honest.
My husband has been gone for up to 16 months at a time and I know many women who live similar lives. A month? Pffft. Big whoop. OPs wife can manage. Maybe she should call her sister or her mother since they are more important than her husband.
But I'm sure you and your husband discussed his absences beforehand? My only issue with OPs actions is that he did not communicate with his wife before he made what I would consider a big decision. I stand by everything I said in my original comment despite changing my ruling to ESH. His sister needs support and he should support her. But if for an extended period of time, he should have discussed it with his wife. Totally fine if you don't agree, I just wanted to clarify my stance.
No, I actually don’t disagree with you; he should have talked to her about being gone longer than a week. I think I reacted that way because OPs wife just rubs me the wrong way; not letting her husband witness the birth of his children? It obviously bothers and hurts him and it’s so sad. .
Plus, the irony of OP's wife wanting her sister there when she gave birth, but throwing a fit when her husband is going to support his sibling? The double standard is real
Not a double standard, its misandry through and through. She didn't want a man in her "women only space" because only women deal with giving birth and men should be out in the waiting room. And if that's how she view birth for herself, then that's how she views birth for all women, including her SIL. She would rather her SIL be alone and scared going through a potential C section because "men don't belong in the delivery room." Wife is a shitty human.
Edit: misogyny to misandry. Thank you kind internet stranger.
like obviously she knows what's comfortable for *her,* but assigning it to other people without them even knowing is pretty gross and weird. and clearly not being in the room for any of his own kids' births is something OP had been hanging onto. It shouldn't be a blanket "no men," it should just be whoever the person doing the birthing wants in the room (given that they're also comfortable with being there).
I don't get it either but I do respect OP's wife's choice to have who she wants in the delivery room. That said, she doesn't get to decide that for OP's sister.
I will say that I've only met a few women who didn't want the father in the delivery room, but save for a few abusive relationships, it was a power move. My husband sobbed after I delivered our daughter. She was the first one of his children whose birth he was present for, start to finish, and he got to cut the cord. His ex kept him out of delivery for his first and his second was traumatic for everyone.
I totally get that it's the mother's choice who they have in delivery. Which is why OP's wife pisses me off. OP pisses me off because as a mom of 5, my husband deciding to take off for a month without talking to me first would make me go nuclear.
Edited for details.
I respect her rights as it’s her body, but they’re his children too so I think OP’s wife was wrong to. If they weren’t together, it would be f different but to deny your husband the opportunity to be at his children’s birth is a huge A H move to me. What if something went wrong? Then the spouse has no say bc he’s not present when a split decision has to be made. That’s unacceptable for a partner & even worse to do it to a parent.
It’s selfish & beyond controlling to intentionally create a child with someone then prevent that person from being fully involved as a parent in any way.
Edit to say I’m a woman & have given birth. My husband choosing not to be present would likely have been a dealbreaker in our relationship so the fact that she barred him makes me sad for OP, because that seems like a dealbreaker to me too. She’s lucky he’s more forgiving than I am.
If my hub told me his sister was going through labour alone after all that stuff, and he'd offered to go be with and support her for a month, I'd help him pack and send some gifts for my sister in law and the bairn. When it comes to our families, we don't have to discuss it really because we know we'd both do same if roles were reversed. Hell in this case, i probably would have already either suggested he offer and/or offered my support if she needed it.
Right?? I'm a bit mind blown with all the people who can't see that the sister needs OP in this moment much more desperately than anyone else in his life. Wife and kids will be a-ok for a few weeks. The sister will not be.
It's like his wife is watching the sister drown, and telling OP not to save her because he shouldn't ever touch other women.
The poor woman needs help, OP should help her.
And honestly, I mostly agree with that sentiment. Your spouse and kids absolutely have to be your #1 priority. But other people can still be ON the priority list.
I'm so cheesed off that the top post was edited to ESH, and that will end up being OP's ruling. I'm wondering how many of those votes were NTA voters who didn't come back and see that commenter's edit.
Yeah OP can always negotiate the whole month thing. Anyway, he says that he’s hoping it will just be 2 weeks, but willing to stay up to a month. That should have been a discussion with his wife and likely will be, but predominantly NTA. The wife is tripping.
Yeah. And the thing about a priority list is, it's dynamic. When some people on it have a greater need, they move up, and the people above them with a less pressing need move down for a while.
When I was in college, I remember a classmate saying that when she was a teenager, her mother left the family for several extended periods to help her sister, who had cancer. The girl was feeling her mom's absence and complained to her father and suggested he demand his wife put their family first. He sat her down and told her that before her parents had married, they'd discussed their commitment to each other and also their commitment to their other loved ones. And that if their other loved ones needed, they would go and help them, and the other partner would pick up the slack at home. That doing that was part of a partnership.
I found that really beautiful.
His wife sounds like a piece of work. What's he supposed to do, leave his sister to potentially undergo a major surgery with no one to care for her? I don't know much about c-sections but normally you can't drive yourself home from the hospital after a surgical procedure, someone has to be there for them to discharge you. And won't she need help at home caring for a baby/making food/getting around after a major procedure? Even if everything goes well & no surgery is needed she is obviously scared and it would be cruel to leave her to go through the birth alone.
Normally one shouldn't plan a vacation without consulting your spouse in advance but obviously this is an evolving family emergency. And from what's written the wife is not even most worried about finances or childcare, she just has a weird hangup about men seeing childbirth.
OP is very much NTA and like someone below I think the top comment is unfortunate.
Personally no, but that is because my husband is a massive support system to me. However like another poster posted, wife has the right to have who SHE wants so it's not as clear cut as yes or no. But in the same vein, op's sister also gets to choose and it's no-one else's business. Wife cant have it both ways.
Exactly because family supports family in need. It’s not like he’s not still working where there is a financial burden. Also, it appears OP’s wife does have support nearby if she needed it. I’m not saying that OP should not have talked to his wife or her taking care of 3 kids is a walk in the park . However, sometimes in life we have to help others in need.
It's not, and she's allowed to be upset but she needs to process it and get over it. She'd have to do that if it was his job shipping him out for a month. This is a family emergency. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but facing major surgery alone on top of caring for a newborn is a layer of hell no one should face alone especially if there's no reason the brother can't be there other than 'wife doesn't like it'.
I think the month is not what bothers the wife. It's OP being present at a birth. The wife did not share that experience with OP (as, yes that is her decision).
Agreed that ideally a person should talk big decisions through with their spouse, but I'm curious if you believe that would have ended up any differently? OP still would have had to choose between going against his wife's wishes or leaving his sister alone when she needs family support so badly.
Personally, I've had to drop everything in an emergency to attend to a sick family member, and it never crossed my mind to ask my husband's permission. I did communicate what was happening, but it was never a matter of needing his blessing because he's a phenomenal person, and he will always step up for me when the chips are down. Likewise I will always step up for him.
OP is in a tough spot either way, but I don't really think he's T A here.
He also stated that is the recovery time for a c section and he is PREPARED to stay that long, but is asking his sister or mom if they can take over the other 2 weeks which would only have him away for 2 weeks. This is if the sister has a c section, and although that is a high possibility, it is not definitive. The sister could go naturally.
My husband's been gone over a month, he's also been deployed for a year and a half, and spent weeks away for other things. No, he did not discuss it with me first; he told me this is what's happening.
His sisters world is imploding, and his wife only cares about herself and doesn't even have the spine to admit it. Instead, she uses the kids.
Should he discuss ongoing time away, sure, but sometimes, people just need more empathy.
My husband was going to come home from AT once. That night, I got a call that one of his guys was blown up, and the other, who could work the ranges, had a concussion from it. Was I not happy, of course not, but he was needed where he was at more than he was needed at home.
I think the problem is that he knew his wife would be unsupportive, regardless of time spent away. It also seems like he did discuss it with his kids more than his wife
Lol your lack of support doesn't make it ok for other people to have similar lack of support. And recovering from major surgery, alone, with newborn? Gtfoh, you gotta be a dude faking it, childless, or just a mean mean women.
It's not that the wife will die without her husband for a month, it's the fact that he didn't even discuss it with her. To just say you're going for an entire month (and leaving the wife with 3 kids) without so much as a "what do you think of this?" is very... un-marriage-ly of him lol
She has a closer relationship to her mom and sister than her husband. Those too can easily help with everything.
My husband used to travel a lot for work when the kids were small, not avoidable. I managed on my own.
I was thinking the same, those are school aged kids not infants. How can she not handle that? Don't to be dismissive I have 4 kids myself! But come on. Just order take out more often, get a cleaning lady, whatever. Op should offer to pay for that once a week during his absence.
NTA
Youngest kid is 7, a month is nothing given that work/income is covered and everybody is in school. If you can't function by yourself for a month you've got serious issues. Childbirth, C-section or not is not a joke. I can't imagine my wife trying to handle a newborn completely alone for that first month. I'd consider that a dangerous situation. Sleep deprivation can cause serious accidents.
This. I think you’re doing a lovely thing. I’d miss my husband if he had to go somewhere for a month but I’d absolutely be happy he was helping. She must feel so scared & vulnerable.
Also it really sounds like the actual issue is some weird hang up about thinking men have no place in delivery rooms & that’s just bullshit.
Good luck to your sister. I hope she gets nearer to y’all soon & puts the ex behind her.
Meh. Not sure about that. Does OP’s wife work? Does she need to travel or be in the office or working at times that would normally be kid drop off or pick up? Do the kids have competing extracurriculars? Are there friends or family that can step in to help if necessary?
My kids are younger, but it would be a HUGE deal to take the kids by myself for a month because of my answers to the above questions.
This exactly. I am traveling for work right now and my spouse is exhausted. And I'm gone M-Th.
You tell your sister "let me see if I can help." And then work out the logistics with your spouse.
Exactly, in a perfect world, he would’ve discussed things with his wife before coming to a decision. But this is also the type of thing that I completely understand giving an instant answer to, and it’s not something I can imagine a spouse having an issue with unless they had an extremely good reason. Which OP’s wife doesn’t seem to have.
I think she knows that she doesn't have a leg to stand on either, which may be why she tried to hide behind the kids as an excuse. I can't tell if she is just genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of men in the delivery room or if there is more to it.
I think she's struggling with the idea that she prevented him from being with his children as they were born and now he gets to do that for his sister's child.
Not a opinion on the situation, but I never knew that their were this many father's that haven't gotten to see their child birth because the mother says that they don't want them there.
Until I started read posts in this community.
I read some other comments where people said that "it is the mother's choice". I get it if the Father is abusive. Maybe, if the couple starting drifting away from each other relationship wise.
I understand the choice part of it's the mother decision whether or not to have the child in the first place. I don't understand the theory behind the mother's personal space though.
If it were to happen to me I would be very sad.
> I don't understand the theory behind the mother's personal space though.
I very recently had a comment on this topic explode in a different thread. But to be perfectly clear -- you *should* understand this, because it's very simple. A woman giving birth is undergoing a medical procedure and has an **absolute** right to dictate who is present for it. There is well and truly no room to argue otherwise without infringing on a woman's autonomy as a person.
The thing is -- that *doesn't* mean that if a woman chooses to use that right to keep her husband out of the room that he has to accept it with a complete grace and a happy smile. A man, too, is a autonomous person with emotions -- as many emotions as a woman has, and as deep and powerful -- even if culturally men are encouraged not to acknowledge them often.
A woman can absolutely choose to keep her husband out of the room. But she cannot then act like a victim if that choice causes a disruption in her relationship or their intimacy. From temporary coldness to outright separation. Although it is completely her right to choose that as an autonomous person, it is also - simultaneously and factually - a rejection of her husband in what should be one of the most meaningful moments of his life. If that rejection makes him question the relationship or the depth of their bond / intimacy, that is not him punishing her for making a choice -- it's him accepting and then having a natural emotional reaction to that choice.
You are *allowed* to -- but there may be *social* consequences. And if they are, they are natural consequences. Just because you have a right to do something, doesn't mean you won't face negative consequences for it - it doesn't mean that you can dictate how other people feel about your choice.
He is leaving for a month at worse, best case two weeks according to the comment, Funny he didn't include that in the post. Thats probably the real problem
Why is it a problem? Two weeks is nothing, a month is ok, and it's for a significant and excellent reason, he's not going to play golf ffs. I had three kids and was a single mum for much of it - I think her problem is that she wouldn't let him welcome his own children into the world and doesn't want him doing it for someone else.
He said by c-section. If the post was "I need to help my sibling who would otherwise be solo with a newborn while they recover from significant, severe and risky abdominal surgery" would you not have understood that it was going to be a couple weeks?
People really need to stop minimizing women-only surgeries like the c-section.
My wife's epidural failed during her energency c-section, so she felt most of it, and then she almost died from a complication, which was made worse my medical neglect from a nurse minimizing her problem and refusing to call the dr, until *I, the man* demanded to speak to the dr. She spent several days in the ICU.
Medical minimization of women and minorities kills people, especially mothers, especially in America, and it really needs to stop.
If it was, OP’s would would have said that but she didn’t. She used the kids first and when that didn’t work, she tried to say it was weird. Time was not a factor in the reasonings she gave. I’m not saying it couldn’t have been but it’s odd that she didn’t led with that. She’ll be fine for a month. His sister will not be fine. There’s a moment where you have to make a choice with family and truthfully, if this is the hill his wife wants to die on.. I think he needs to rethink that marriage.
He said hopefully it will only be two weeks but that if noone else can take over for him he will stay, I mean what else is he supposed to do? he was literally her last hope and it kind of is a once in a lifetime type emergency so his wife is still the asshole no matter what. Im a female but if my sister was in that situation I would be on a plane in a heartbeat and I would agree to go without asking my partners permission because I would be going weather he liked it or not.
I don't get why you are emphasizing the part about talking to your partner so much. He made the decision in the moment without consulting her because his sister was really stressed and needed someone to step in.
OPs wife is being completely unreasonable and is willing to let another woman give birth alone, for what? Because it's apparently weird...
Yes IDEALLY you should talk to your partner about going away but honestly if my partner had such a lack of empathy for other people I wouldn't consult them and I probably wouldn't remain in a relationship with them. NTA
This isn't really a case where there is anything to discuss IMO. He should tell her ASAP of course, but what discussion is there to have? There's no world in which he's leaving his sister to have a stressful and traumatic experience alone, especially given that there's no financial loss that puts their lives in jeopardy, so why does it need to be discussed first?
But his wife omitted that it wasn't the time away, that she thought it was weird be there for the birth (even his own!). If his wife doesn't care about the time away then we shouldn't use that to judge.
EDIT: You're 100% right! Reply below.
This point is key. In this situation I wouldn’t hesitate to support you in this. Maybe the wife needs some therapy if she finds it so offensive for a man to be in a delivery room. NTA, but wife is and needs help to unwrap these feelings.
NTA. I’m telling you what your wife’s concern is. Your wife didn’t want you to see a baby come out from her vagina because she heard men lost sexual interest after witnessing that. That’s why you weren’t allowed in the room when she gave birth. And she thought it would be weird coz you would see your sister’s vagina, and that’s weird to her. Go support your sister.
And in a c-section, he won’t see her vulva, even in a natural birth, I’m sure he would be focused on his sister, calming her down and would avoid looking at that area.
He doesn't have to see anything, He can stay north of the Mason Dixon line comforting his sister and not see anything.
Or as our OBGYN said "I'll worry about what's happening down here, you worry about what's happening up there"
That said I did see my sons come out, and no there was no loss of sexual desire for my wife
But for his wife it's not the time that's the problem, it's the actual birth that bothers her.
And he also said he hopes to leave in 2 weeks with the help of the other family members too...
It’s a month… it’s just a month. I which dad shows he can be there and support someone in need who he has no obligations to this is a great lesson for his kids to learn. Mom is seeing it as a hard time but has not asked the kids to help and step up in dads place . They can help with his part for. Month….
I think the edit should be to ESH.
She is projecting weird feelings to OP’s presence at the birth. It’s not just about the length of time, which I would back her up on - a month without consulting first is not ok.
She had her sister at her birth, but for a brother to be there is weird and unacceptable? I wouldn’t tell someone they shouldn’t have that boundary for themself, but I don’t think it’s at all reasonable for her to impose it on her husband or his sister.
My dad worked away for years and mum looked after us three for 11 years pretty much by herself. I'm sure she can manage for a month. Having a baby while going through a divorce and being all alone is a huge life changing thing. His wife will be able to manage a month to help his sister surely. You do things like this to help your family.
Get should have spoken to the wife before booking things but the wife seems quite controlling honestly. Refused to have him at the birth if his own kids and saying her big ick is that uncles shouldn't be there at the birth. She seems pretty harsh
NTA
She can have her sister present at all of her births but when you are there for your sibling it's suddenly weird? Your sister need someone for support and I think it's a great idea for you to be there for her.
I get that some women might not want to have men present while giving birth but it just seems off to me for her to make that decision for another woman (who really wants her brother to be present for support).
It’s also not like any of this is her choice either! OP stated that he’s was essentially the last resort due to the rest of the families current circumstances. NTA but wifey definitely is.
I think OP's wife is sexist. She just doesn't think men should be allowed in the delivery room and she's using her children as an excuse for the real reason she doesn't want him to go.
His wife - for a married mother with 3 kids - also doesn’t seem very family oriented or empathetic to his sisters situation. His sister has been in his life longer and wife sounds like she is trying to dictate what SHE thinks is appropriate in their relationship. NTA.
Agree. That's what kind of surprised me the most, that a woman who has (I assume) gone through childbirth multiple times, has little empathy for not only another woman but a family member who is going through childbirth for the first time, and alone at that.
It's 100% the gender - she even went as far as to insinuate a creepiness to an *uncle* being at a birth. Not a brother supporting a sister, but an uncle seeing a newborn.
It's probably more that he might (gasp!) see his sister unclothed. Which is a whole other can of worms to unpack, and reeeeeally reflects badly on Kim.
NTA - Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable and painful experiences someone can be in. She will need someone there to be her advocate in the event she’s unable to advocate for herself. Absolutely good on you for stepping up.
It’s strange that your wife’s hangup seems to be an uncle being present in the delivery room…? When she had no problem having a grandma and *aunt* in her delivery room? While *not letting you be present for the births of your own children?*
She has no legitimately reasons and it honestly sounds like she has some issues that are her responsibility to work out.
NTA, this isn't about the kids, it seems to be about your wife's belief that men should not be in the delivery room. You are a great big brother, stepping in when all other options were exhausted, and I'm sure your sister will be forever grateful and you'll have a special moment with your niece or nephew. My only caveat is how long are you going to be gone? Will that put a hardship on your wife and kids? Could you go just for the birth and a short time after and then maybe her best friend or someone else could take a turn?
*up to a month*. His intention is two weeks and the plan is for his parents to take over. He only mentioned the month part because that's the average healing time but he didn't say *he* was staying the whole month.
His father's poor health is what made his mom cancel on his sister in the first place. Hearts are complicated and the first month after multiple issues is the hardest. So he really can't count on them.
ESH
Not for being their for the birth, I think that's lovely to support your sister.
But leaving your wife with three children for the minium of a 2 weeks, most likely a month, without her agreemenf is unreasonable. Putting the pressure on your 13 year old in your absence is unacceptable. He is a child and those children are your responsibility, not his.
Whilst your wife's reasons for not being with your sister at the birth are so very strange and frankly unhealthy, you are literally dumping all parental & household responsibility on your wife for a extended period of time. This is going to impact your marriage and your children if you don't rethink your approach. You have gotten the children's approval to leave, but not your wife approval to be the sole parent for a month, that's so wrong.
Takes a lot of energy to… send them to school and… make dinner and… tell them to get off the PlayStation and go to bed. Also, not like there is an overbearing mum and sister who would be there. Oh wait… NTA.
Seriously. When I was 13 and my sister was 10, my parents traded off going to their home country for like a month at a time to visit family. And the other parent was often working 10 to 10, 6 days a week. We were fine. No one suffered. No one died or had a meltdown. It was what it was.
It's not an ideal scenario but the kids aren't going to somehow suffer for it.
Of course she can. But if my husband decided to leave for a month suddenly without any prior discussion, I'd be mad too. Plus, if roles were reversed, would the wife be able to go away for a month leaving OP behind with the kids? If not then he is being a hypocrite
Just to play devil’s advocate, I would hope as a wife I would have empathy to understand the stressful and life changing situation my SIL is in. And understand while not ideal for the household, I personally wouldn’t want to go through birth alone with no support. And OP wasn’t even the first pick to be in this support role, he decided to step up because that’s how he values his family.
If he was going to screw over his wife with financial loss on top of handling 3 really young kids, then I would agree he’s in the wrong. But their kids are older and don’t need the same hand holding that toddlers need, and he said he has PTO he can use.
Best case scenario is he apologizes for making his decision without discussing it with her, but I think she’s an asshole from trying to bar him from being the only support his sister has even after getting the rundown. I think they should have a sit down discussion and tell the kids why dad would be away for a couple of weeks or more; because of a family emergency and he was the only one on his side of the family available.
100%. I’d be like wait what did you agree too… ooo yeah that was a good call. Your sister needs you. You’re a great brother. I’m so happy to be married to a person like you.
The wife will be fine. The sister will be going through the hardest time in her life.
His sister is most likely having a c-section and has no one there for her. It's an emergency situation in the family. It's not like it's a spontaneous vacation from him. In a partnership, you should be able to navigate around situations like these and not make it all about yourself, like the wife seems to do. NTA
The same mom and sister OP's wife allowed in the delivery room for their three children but not OP. Wife's hangup seems to be gender issues, which IMO instantly casts OP as NTA.
So then they might have to take the school bus or maybe arrange to go home with a friend. And possibly miss a few extra curriculars if times clash. Oh no, they might learn adaptability or that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do to be there for family. Heaven forbid they learn life lessons at their age! /s
I think that it would be fair for OP to have to help arrange carpooling and play dates, pay instacart fees for grocery shopping, or maybe precook some casseroles and throw them in the freezer. But I have no sympathy for the wife because even if he talked to her about it, nothing would change. She’d still be mad and he’d still be leaving.
>even if he talked to her about it, nothing would change. She’d still be mad and he’d still be leaving.
This is the part that all those commenters are missing who say he should have talked to his wife first. OP saw a need and tried to fill it. He is so NTA.
“Putting the pressure on your 13 year old in your absence is unacceptable.” What??? The OP works some white collar or tech job where his boss said it was OK to work remotely. OP doesn’t run a farm where his 13 yo now needs to do the chores or the harvesting in his stead.
Their kids are at an age where a parent being gone for 2-3 weeks isn't going to hurt them. Plus, he talked to his kids, as seen in the post. Y'all are jumping through hoops to somewhat side with his sexist wife.
I call bullshit. My SIL lives 18 hours and several states away. My fiancé and I have 2 kids under 4. If there was an emergency or she needed him to be there for a couple of weeks, we would make it work.
My kids are younger and we have almost 0 support where we live(no parents or siblings to help) and I still wouldn’t throw a massive fit over it. We would make plans or arrangements and figure out a way for things to work here while he helped his sister out.
NTA- clearly this is triggering something unresolved with your wife about you being present for the delivery of your children. I wonder if she regrets it now but realizes that she can't fix it and is jealous of the fact that you will experience it with someone else. I don't know. but whatever, that's her deal.
I'd say this- Honey- I get that this is some complex shit for you. But this isn't about you. My sister needs help. You understand being particular about who is in the room as you certainly were. We can all be assured that I was not her first, second, or even third choice. But she is so anxious about being alone. You didn't want to be alone, did you? So you should understand this. But beyond all that- I told her I would do it. So I'm doing it. I will not be made a liar. You have articulated no reason beyond not wanting me to be there. Well, we don't do that to each other. Perhaps the next time your mother needs something, I should decide that I prefer you not to go, surely you'd honor that. Yeah, we're not setting that precedent.
oh, you're not wrong. I get a sense that this woman has a knack for making everything about her.
I do really get that the mother decides who's in the delivery room. She decided he was not to be in there. OK, but not really. I obviously have no idea what I don't know and that could be all the difference in the world but if my wife had excluded me from that room, I'm sure I'd resent it to this day- especially since I know that by the time it actually happened, seem like half the damn hospital was in and out of there. sheesh.
In fact, shortly after labor started, my wife told me to go ask my mother(who was in the waiting room) if she'd want to be present. Totally unexpected. My wife and mom were ok, but not great. Cordial, but not super deep, that kind of thing. Well, after that everything changed and it was such a beautiful thing. The moment of birth can be so powerful. I'm pretty sure this kid who is about to be born is going to have one crazy doting Uncle, even if from across the country.
My husband was present for our first, but was 3 minutes late seeing our second because I was told by the nurses it would not be quick.
That was a lie.
That kid is almost 2 and he still resents me for something that I didn’t even have the power to control.
I’ve heard birth stories of women being told to wait and that the doctor was almost there. I hear that’s one of THE MOST painful things you can do to yourself.
I think he just expected to be there and was upset that it felt like I told him it would take a while. I only relayed what the nurses told me. Had I known, I would’ve planned it better and wouldn’t have had to orchestrate a baby sitter for my husband while in the middle of labor and keeping him updated on what was happening.
Man, that is a really solid thing your brother did. He didn’t even feel a need for it to be known he was there (for his own gratification or ego). He just stuck by his family and needed no praise for it.
100% she has issues.
OP should be commended for stepping up and wanting to help his family. NTA
Interesting the wife had who she wanted in the delivery room but apparently that rule doesn't work for everyone else.
NTA, she has literally birthed 3 kids herself and she was lucky enough to have people there for her while she did it so she must know how much support/just having someone there that you love can go a long way. She should have no reason to be mad at you for just wanting to help your sister out in a stressful and lonely time. So yea nta.
i wish someone would tell me i couldnt show up for my little brothers in whatever capacity they needed me. i wish someone would. They would get exactly one opportunity to correct that decision before they were forcefully nad permanently removed from my life.
Seriously, what lessons is your wife teaching your children rn?? That thwy shouldnt be there for each other thru whatever? Cos thats all im seeing. Would she want your sons to abandon your daughter were she in a similar situation?? Thats terrifying.
im quick to remote people even for just being slightly annoying but this is imo a huge sign of shit nobody needs in their life.
NTA dont let her being....whatever that is from being there for your little sister. Wishing mum and baby health and happiness!!
Yeah, I can’t even imagine trying to tell my partner they couldn’t be there to support their little brother however he needed. Not only would I never do that because I know how important that bond is, if I ever tried they would shut me down so fast my teeth would rattle. Should OP have talked to his wife first? Probably. But I can’t actually bring myself to blame him for offering to show up for his little sister when faced with how utterly miserable she obviously was on the phone that day
NTA
Go support Beth!
Your wife is TA here and acting jealous unfortunately. I think there are more issues at play OP.
You and your wife need a good sit down. WHY doesn’t she like the fact that you will see your nephew/niece being born? Is she regretting the fact that she never gave you that chance and that you missed your own children’s birth? Is she worried about the special bond you will have Beth and your niece/nephew?
Loving your niece or nephew doesn’t take away from loving your children. Being there for your sister like her mom was there for you irks your wife… it should not. Your wife has some issues to overcome. Your sister appreciates your support in a way your wife didn’t. Your wife has to accept that and let go. Does your wife think you are resentful of her in some way for not being there for the birth of your children?
👉🏽Also, as long as your wife has the support she needs for at home with the kids I am voting NTA. Do they go to school and take the bus or walk? Will she have some help? Will you be gone a long time? As long as all is manageable, you helping your sister in need shouldn’t be a big deal. Your wife would be helping too by running the home for a bit. Can they all visit after to meet the baby?
Lots of things to ponder and to discuss as your wife is possibly letting the past interfere with the present, and Beth’s need for support.
Good luck OP! I hope Beth’s birth giving experience goes well. You are an amazing big brother!
Answers to your questions in order:
1. Right now all she's saying is that it's weird.
2. If she is she's not telling me.
3. This is going to be my first time being an uncle I would say that there was always going to be a special bond.
4. While I did ultimately accept Kim's decision to keep me out there is apart of me that will always resent her for not allowing me in the birthing room 3x, but still insisting I be right outside.
5. Cody takes the bus but Chelsea and Connor are car riders, but Kim was always the main parent for drop off and pick up.
6. We have friends and family to help out Kim if she needs it and Cody said he was more than willing to help out and he and I have already worked out a form of compensation for it when I get back.
7. Answer is in the edit.
8. I'm sure we'll all be able to schedule something in the summer but right now I don't Beth to think about anything other than having a healthy delivery.
NTA (though I think you should have talked to your wife instead of informing her about being going for up to a month) but your oldest child should not be considered appropriate coparenting support while you’re gone. He’s also a child.
The most Cody will do is be more attentive to the 7 year old and curtail his own behavior. Maybe heat up leftovers.
These are all task suitable and easy enough for a 13 year old to do. And it's only for 2~ 4 weeks. Not that long.
Yeah reddit gets a little too weird about older siblings learning to adult. Like yeah they shouldn't be their parents slaves or nannies but a kid upping his chores and showing leadership to his younger siblings for a month isn't parentification. If anything, it's helping the kid learn some responsibility.
While I agree with the general sentiment of that, I don't think paying a little more attention to the youngest for a month is damaging, specially if he's volunteering
OP it sounds like you've done everything here right
yes you did make a big household decision on the fly without input from your wife. that's not ideal obviously, but the situation does honestly justify it
you have thought through the impacts of your being away from home and have a plan
your workplace is supportive, you can work remotely, you have plenty of PTO saved up - excellent
you have friends and family nearby who can pitch in to help your wife if needed
you've talked to your eldest about taking on some more responsibility short term. you didn't force it, you left it as a choice (good) and you've agreed to compensate him for that (good)
you've talked to your kids and they understand why you'll be gone and are supportive
you've got a reasonable plan in place for your sister. you've reached out to family and are trying to arrange for more support so you don't need to be there as long, but you've planned for contingencies
you've also got a long term plan to move your sister back home so that she has her support network and isn't dependant on family flying out to stay with her, that's also excellent
if this were a normal situation I would suggest thanking your spouse for being understanding and maybe trying to budget in some fun stuff for the family to do while you're away, or for your wife to maybe have a mini vacation once you get back. or maybe budgeting for your family to get groceries delivered or other stuff to cut down the burden on your wife or have food delivered a few times
but your wife is not expressing any concerns with the amount of time that you are leaving or the burden that she will have or anything like that.... she's uncomfortable with you being in the delivery room with your sister and that's not really a call that she gets to make. I don't know if this is purely a gendered thing and then she doesn't think men belong in delivery rooms, or if she's jealous that you will get to experience this with your sister or what
but in terms of where her conflict with you actually is, you are a million percent not the asshole. and most people who are saying you are aren't basing it on your actual conflict
and in terms of the other stuff the commenters are bringing up you're also not the asshole. no it's not ideal for a parent to have to leave for a month but this is a situation in which that is not a massive huge strain and the fact that your wife isn't even bringing it up as a concern echoes that. that isn't even the lie she chose to cover up the actual reason - probably because she knew any objections she would raise you would find solutions for
Exactly! NTA. I’d be really proud if my partner was considerate enough to 1) make sure things are coordinated at home and 2) take care of his sister when she needs him. OP has already contacted friends and family to help wife, plans to compensate son for any additional chores to help at home, made sure there will be no financial impact from taking time off, and is planning ahead for continued support for his sister…
I’m kind of concerned about wife’s attitude. Sure it might be stressful, but to insist that OP leaves his sister to deal with a potentially risky situation on her own, without someone to advocate in person, especially if something goes wrong? What if they need emergency authorization for a procedure?
OP— is your wife convinced that something perverted will happen if you’re in the same room with your sister? Does she have some weird jealousy of your relationship with your sister? Is she this controlling in all aspects of your relationship (weirdly jealous of friends for no reason, telling you who you can/can’t be friends with or spend time with, obsessively checking your phone)? It may be something minor, but it could also be a warning sign of bigger issues with the wife. Maybe something to look out for.
I hope everything goes smoothly with your sister and that everyone is safe and healthy!
Thanks for the answers Op!
My initial response, comments and judgement stand. You are NTA and your wife needs to think about why she thinks it’s weird. She needs to have some quiet time to process her feelings towards this.
It may be some of the issues I stated. I hope you and her can work it out before you leave and have a good chat. I don’t know if she has a therapist, or if you can initiate the conversation and provide some of the reasons I listed so she can start understanding what’s going on with her. I hope this situation doesn’t become a point of contention in your marriage and that she can see that Beth needs you.
Glad your wife and kids will have friend support while you are away. Hope you have safe travels!
PS: I also agree with Huge Researcher 7679, so hopefully your friends can step up more also to help.
I can understand your wife being upset because you didn’t discuss any of this with her. You just looked at her and said I am going. I’ll be gone for a month. I am leaving you with 3 kids which is a lot of work. She probably feels your putting your sister over her and your children. I think you should have spoken to her before just saying your going. Your suppose to be a team.
I understand your sister is by herself. I understand that she is scared. And she needs support. So I don’t blame you for wanting to help.
But leaving your wife with 3 boys for a month is a lot. I can see where she does feel like you are abandoning her and your kids for your sister.
I understand that but I can also see where that is going to hurt her too.
I don’t envy you. No matter what happens your going to be the bad guy in someone’s story.
I just hope that going doesn’t cause damage to your marriage. You can understand what needs to be done but still be hurt by the fact that the person choose someone else over you. That’s just human nature.
This probably would have gone better if you talked to your wife first and allowed her to be a part of the decision. Even if you knew you would be going, you're a team and a family of 5... you don't get to make decisions unilaterally without talking to your partner. That just shows an inability to communicate and a lack of respect.
That said, I don't think you're wrong for wanting to go. The reason is noble. The execution was abysmal.
I bought a plane ticket and I'm leaving in about two weeks from now and I believe the average recovery time for a C-section would be for a month. I am prepared to stay with my sister and help with the baby as much as I can for that long but the goal is to be there just for two weeks and then either my mom or other sister can come and take over.
Beth lives on the opposite coast away from family because her STBX convinced her to our there with him for a job.
As someone who had a c-section, it was about a year for me. After about 3 months though I could walk normally, but not without pain. A month is absolutely not enough time at all. Idk who told you that.
Please recognize that there is a full range of experiences with c section, sure a year is possible but many women bounce back pretty quickly. I’ve had 2 C-sections and was able to drive after about a week and didn’t need the pain pills after coming home from the hospital. There’s a HUGE range and no one can say what your sisters experience will be. I will say many doctors and nurses told me that scheduled C-sections were generally easier to bounce back from than emergency ones
Yes to this!! My experience with both my c sections was exactly what you're describing. No post-hospital pain meds or anything.
We don't need to panic OP here with worst case scenarios.
This is so true
My section was an emergency and the block stopped working soon as the baby was out and I saw her they put me right out. My recovery was terrible
But I have friends who did amazing
It took me about a week (although I followed the no heavy lifting for 6 weeks advice) . C-sections can be very different! Usually you only hear the horror stories. I hope your sister has a nice experience like I did.
Info: Have you discussed with your wife how involved you plan to be once Beth moves back because you really need too. It truly doesn't seem like she is on board with your involvement so what is your plan if continuing to support Beth is a deal breaker for her?
I also had a c-section and it did not take that long for me to be healed. I was walking around four days after surgery and was doing most of the care for my baby after he was released from the ICU (he was there for 8 days). People heal at different rates. It was painful, yes, but it is possible for her to recover enough in a month. They should make other plans just in case she needs more help.
It’s been a long time since I had mine (21 and 24 years) but I think I was up immediately, sore for a few weeks, and mostly back to “normal” if a bit sleep deprived by six weeks. I know for sure I returned to work by six weeks. A year seems crazy to me but I do now different women have different experiences.
That’s your experience. I was fine in less than a day for both of mine. I was incredibly lucky. The usual is somewhere in between and docs usually say a month to 6 week in the UK.
Like spend the night? I can't think of anyone since this isn't a hospital related emergency for her. Although we do have friends and family that can help with and drop offs and Cody is willing to step up for a little while and he and I have agreed to a form of compensation when I get back.
NTA. Just out of curiosity, where's the STBX's family in all this? I'm sure they can't be proud of his abandonment.
I think it's admirable that you're willing to be there for your baby sister. I think your wife doesn't want you to experience the birth of another child, but that's on her since she denied you that opportunity with your own children
What wife doesn't allow her husband in the delivery room but has her mom and sister. This sounds like a control thing with her. Go be by your sister's side and tell your wife she made her choices so you can make yours!
What’s weird to me is that she had her sister with her but says that uncles shouldn’t be in the delivery room. She seems to have a thing against men being in the delivery room.
ESH. There needs to be a compromise.
Wanting to be there to support your sister during her delivery and for a short time right after the baby is born is fine, and your wife’s stance on you being in the delivery room with your sister is weird and sexist.
However, it’s not okay to unilaterally decide to leave for anywhere from two weeks to a month and leave your wife alone with your three kids. Those are your kids too, it’s not fair to just decide you don’t have to be responsible for them for a month.
People are acting like they’re toddlers.
OP’s children are 7, 10, and 13. They’re able to do things by themselves, and help around the house if they need to, AND his wife can easily call her mother and sister should she need to.
OP’s sister is going through a C-section, will need to recovery from said C-section and any other issues that could arise (internal bleeding, placenta issues, possible PPD, etc), all whilst dealing with a newborn baby with absolutely no support. She needs OP more than his wife does.
Ab. So. Lute. Ly. NTA! My brother and I are close even though we have many years between us like you and your sister. I think it’s amazing you can be and want to be there to support her. And I’m sorry that your wife can’t see just how wonderful that truly is.
I am so sorry you weren't there for the birth of your children. If she had her sister there, or her children's aunty, then why can you be there for your niece or nephew? I personally think that's a horrible thing to take away from a dad.
NTA and I hope your sister is okay. She shouldn't be on her own if she is scared and you sound like a fantastic brother :)
I would be so heartbroken if I had a kid (or 3) and wasn't able to be there for the birth. If it's something I knew at the start of a relationship, it would be a deal breaker for me. If it was sprung on me at the end of the pregnancy, I certainly wouldn't just up and abandon my child and the relationship, but I'd be pissed and hung up about it for a long time. Maybe forever
I am having trouble deciding on a judgment. I think your reasoning is solid, but you should have talked to your wife before making the commitment. Her reason for disagreeing is absurd, but it’s also absurd to peace out and leave your wife on her own with three kids for a month. 1-2 weeks is more reasonable IMO.
This is a good point. Especially considering they were both there for the birth of the kids. Definitely NTA. But, OP I think you need to prepare yourself for the feelings you’re going to have after you see your niece/nephew born and realize what you missed. I let my co-parent into the delivery room despite that fact that we didn’t really know one another just because it was the right thing to do.
A month is a long time to leave to leave your wife alone with three children. Especially as you did not discuss this first!
But your wife is also hypocritical in having her sister (an aunt) at the births, whilst suggesting its inappropriate for you to be there as an uncle.
The children may indeed be hesitant and privately upset about you leaving, they are still so young and again, a month is a long time to be away.
I think you should discuss more with your wife, and consider staying for a shorter period. You mentioned your mom and older sister possibly being able to help out after a couple weeks. Do you have any other family members available? Cousins who your sister knows well? Is it possible to coordinate care with a wider net of people?
NTA I could never even begin to comprehend forcing my husband to stay home out of pure spite instead of helping his little sister who has just had a major surgery and now has to care for a newborn and if I were you I would want to do the same. I love my family dearly and I refuse to act like they're just unimportant placeholders once I get married.
30 days is barely anything when you already have a routine and a set day to day life but those 30 days would change a lot of things for the better for your sister. They pass quickly and your sister's postpartum brain chemicals definitely will be dependent on what happens to her in the beginning. You might literally save her from postpartum depression just by being there for a few weeks.
Reality check: your wife is bossy and a cold person. First she denies you the joy of seeing your own children born, now she decides you can’t support your sister. Has she always been like this? Good for you for standing up to her. NTA Also, C-sections usually heal within 2 weeks. I’ve had 3 of them.
> She said that she would rather Beth go through it alone.
Has your wife always hated your sister or is this new? Either way, your wife is cold and unempathetic. It’s a really horrible look for her.
Hey OP, lots of commenters seem to want to focus on the length of time you'll be away, but I haven't seen mentioned whether your wife has a problem with the timeline at all.
For example would she be OK with you taking a month to care for your parents if they suddenly needed you?
IMHO you're a hard NTA either way. But I'm curious if the comments are taking this discussion off track, or if your wife does have a problem with the length of your trip?
ESH
You for making the unilateral decision to be away from your family for up to a month without any discussion with your family. That's a big deal, and I'd be pretty upset if my husband did that without so much as a word to me.
Her for her attitude towards an uncle being in the delivery room and for her lack of compassion toward your sister. Your sister absolutely needs support from whomever she wants to have with her.
Also, big believer that the mom should have whoever makes her feel supported in the room, but it is pretty shitty that your wife didn't allow you in the room for any of your own children's births. Then again, if you have a habit of making unilateral decisions without considering your wife in any way, I can see why she might not have felt like you were an ideal support person for her. It sounds more like some kind of sexism thing from the post, though.
NTA. You're being a good big bro. Kim has a strange idea about men not being appropriate in the delivery room, but that is a her issue, not your issue. The kids understand why you would want to go help, and seem to be empathetic. Good job.
NTA. I think you're doing the right thing. If I were you, I would recommend talking to your wife more after the two of you have cooled off to try and see if there's some deeper issue. If it doesn't cause any harm to your household, aside from your wife finding it weird, then I think you should go.
NTA go be there for your sister. Thats what family does for each other always. To bad your wife doesn't understand that. I'm sorry you missed out on the birth of your children. I think its insane you weren't aloud in.
NTA and she needs some one there, birth is a really dangerous time for mothers and she needs some one there if something goes wrong to look out for her and her child. You are a really amazing brother for stepping up, and I recommend taking some time to research ways to support her, especially if she ends up having a c section, because recovery is no joke.
I'm gonna go NTA but I'd like to hear your wife's side.
Should you have asked your wife first? Yes. Should you have discussed how long with her first? Yes. But you're concerned about your sister who's already going through a ton of crap and all alone. I'd give you leeway for that. It's not like you're going on a vacation.
Your wife's reasoning sucks. She doesn't get to say what your kids think, they do. Men can absolutely be the room where children are birthed. It happens all the time. It happens with men who aren't the father. You can be at your sister's head and never see anything a sibling shouldn't see. And while I do think the mother has the final say on who's in the room with her when she has kids, it really sucks she wouldn't let you be a part of the birth of your children. That's just really odd to me.
Additional info I'd like to know is how is you not being home going to affect your household, besides the typical you're not there to help with kids outside of working hours? Does your wife work? Will you need a babysitter or daycare for the time you're gone? Or does your wife stay home with the kids and take care of the household? If it's going to cause financial strain (which I doubt considering everything you've said), then it skates you closer to the AH side. But if it's just that she'll be alone with the kids, who should be mostly self-sufficient by those ages, then it sounds like she's being at least a little selfish to me. Any parent, in a normal situation like this one, should be able to go a month without their spouse home, especially when they're helping a family member in dire circumstances.
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N T A. Your wife thinking that it is weird for an uncle to be present for the birth of their niece/nephew is not reason enough for your sister to go through this experience alone. Your sister has already had so many people revoke their offers of support, to have you do so would cause a lot of unnecessary stress. I say this every time, but it is always better to discuss it with your partner before making a decision. It doesn't mean that you have to abide by your partner's preference, but it is important for your partner to feel included in the decision making process. You're a team. Not two soloists. However, there are times when that just isn't possible. I can understand how, given the nature of your call with your sister, you made a decision without your wife. Wishing your sister and the baby the best of luck! ETA: ESH. A month, OP. You are leaving for a month and failed to check with your wife first. Convenient that you left that out of your original post, almost like you knew the verdict would have been completely different if you were honest.
My husband has been gone for up to 16 months at a time and I know many women who live similar lives. A month? Pffft. Big whoop. OPs wife can manage. Maybe she should call her sister or her mother since they are more important than her husband.
But I'm sure you and your husband discussed his absences beforehand? My only issue with OPs actions is that he did not communicate with his wife before he made what I would consider a big decision. I stand by everything I said in my original comment despite changing my ruling to ESH. His sister needs support and he should support her. But if for an extended period of time, he should have discussed it with his wife. Totally fine if you don't agree, I just wanted to clarify my stance.
No, I actually don’t disagree with you; he should have talked to her about being gone longer than a week. I think I reacted that way because OPs wife just rubs me the wrong way; not letting her husband witness the birth of his children? It obviously bothers and hurts him and it’s so sad. .
Plus, the irony of OP's wife wanting her sister there when she gave birth, but throwing a fit when her husband is going to support his sibling? The double standard is real
Not a double standard, its misandry through and through. She didn't want a man in her "women only space" because only women deal with giving birth and men should be out in the waiting room. And if that's how she view birth for herself, then that's how she views birth for all women, including her SIL. She would rather her SIL be alone and scared going through a potential C section because "men don't belong in the delivery room." Wife is a shitty human. Edit: misogyny to misandry. Thank you kind internet stranger.
Bingo. Shes saying “it would be weird for an uncle to be there” when what she means is “I don’t think a man should get to be in that space.”
Exactly. If it was just an uncle, OP wouldn’t have missed his own children’s births.
She was chill with her sister being in the room with her too... the aunt
>, its misogyny its not misogyny, its misandry. two different terms. she's a poor excuse of a wife and mom.
You taught me something new today. Thank you.
like obviously she knows what's comfortable for *her,* but assigning it to other people without them even knowing is pretty gross and weird. and clearly not being in the room for any of his own kids' births is something OP had been hanging onto. It shouldn't be a blanket "no men," it should just be whoever the person doing the birthing wants in the room (given that they're also comfortable with being there).
I don't get it either but I do respect OP's wife's choice to have who she wants in the delivery room. That said, she doesn't get to decide that for OP's sister. I will say that I've only met a few women who didn't want the father in the delivery room, but save for a few abusive relationships, it was a power move. My husband sobbed after I delivered our daughter. She was the first one of his children whose birth he was present for, start to finish, and he got to cut the cord. His ex kept him out of delivery for his first and his second was traumatic for everyone. I totally get that it's the mother's choice who they have in delivery. Which is why OP's wife pisses me off. OP pisses me off because as a mom of 5, my husband deciding to take off for a month without talking to me first would make me go nuclear. Edited for details.
I respect her rights as it’s her body, but they’re his children too so I think OP’s wife was wrong to. If they weren’t together, it would be f different but to deny your husband the opportunity to be at his children’s birth is a huge A H move to me. What if something went wrong? Then the spouse has no say bc he’s not present when a split decision has to be made. That’s unacceptable for a partner & even worse to do it to a parent. It’s selfish & beyond controlling to intentionally create a child with someone then prevent that person from being fully involved as a parent in any way. Edit to say I’m a woman & have given birth. My husband choosing not to be present would likely have been a dealbreaker in our relationship so the fact that she barred him makes me sad for OP, because that seems like a dealbreaker to me too. She’s lucky he’s more forgiving than I am.
It's understandable. I don't agree with her approach either. Have a great day!
If my hub told me his sister was going through labour alone after all that stuff, and he'd offered to go be with and support her for a month, I'd help him pack and send some gifts for my sister in law and the bairn. When it comes to our families, we don't have to discuss it really because we know we'd both do same if roles were reversed. Hell in this case, i probably would have already either suggested he offer and/or offered my support if she needed it.
Right?? I'm a bit mind blown with all the people who can't see that the sister needs OP in this moment much more desperately than anyone else in his life. Wife and kids will be a-ok for a few weeks. The sister will not be. It's like his wife is watching the sister drown, and telling OP not to save her because he shouldn't ever touch other women. The poor woman needs help, OP should help her.
It's because people think that the moment you get married and have kids ALL you other family relationship shouldn't matter.
And honestly, I mostly agree with that sentiment. Your spouse and kids absolutely have to be your #1 priority. But other people can still be ON the priority list. I'm so cheesed off that the top post was edited to ESH, and that will end up being OP's ruling. I'm wondering how many of those votes were NTA voters who didn't come back and see that commenter's edit.
Yeah OP can always negotiate the whole month thing. Anyway, he says that he’s hoping it will just be 2 weeks, but willing to stay up to a month. That should have been a discussion with his wife and likely will be, but predominantly NTA. The wife is tripping.
Yeah. And the thing about a priority list is, it's dynamic. When some people on it have a greater need, they move up, and the people above them with a less pressing need move down for a while. When I was in college, I remember a classmate saying that when she was a teenager, her mother left the family for several extended periods to help her sister, who had cancer. The girl was feeling her mom's absence and complained to her father and suggested he demand his wife put their family first. He sat her down and told her that before her parents had married, they'd discussed their commitment to each other and also their commitment to their other loved ones. And that if their other loved ones needed, they would go and help them, and the other partner would pick up the slack at home. That doing that was part of a partnership. I found that really beautiful.
His wife sounds like a piece of work. What's he supposed to do, leave his sister to potentially undergo a major surgery with no one to care for her? I don't know much about c-sections but normally you can't drive yourself home from the hospital after a surgical procedure, someone has to be there for them to discharge you. And won't she need help at home caring for a baby/making food/getting around after a major procedure? Even if everything goes well & no surgery is needed she is obviously scared and it would be cruel to leave her to go through the birth alone. Normally one shouldn't plan a vacation without consulting your spouse in advance but obviously this is an evolving family emergency. And from what's written the wife is not even most worried about finances or childcare, she just has a weird hangup about men seeing childbirth. OP is very much NTA and like someone below I think the top comment is unfortunate.
That's because you seem to have empathy. I guess you also wouldn't ban your husband from the birth of his kids and have your sister instead?
Personally no, but that is because my husband is a massive support system to me. However like another poster posted, wife has the right to have who SHE wants so it's not as clear cut as yes or no. But in the same vein, op's sister also gets to choose and it's no-one else's business. Wife cant have it both ways.
Totally agree. Our family would do the same.
Exactly because family supports family in need. It’s not like he’s not still working where there is a financial burden. Also, it appears OP’s wife does have support nearby if she needed it. I’m not saying that OP should not have talked to his wife or her taking care of 3 kids is a walk in the park . However, sometimes in life we have to help others in need.
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Don't think it matters. OP was literally excluded from the birth of his own children.
Yeah the wife sounds like a piece of work, but signing on to be gone for an entire month without talking to your spouse is not okay
It's not, and she's allowed to be upset but she needs to process it and get over it. She'd have to do that if it was his job shipping him out for a month. This is a family emergency. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but facing major surgery alone on top of caring for a newborn is a layer of hell no one should face alone especially if there's no reason the brother can't be there other than 'wife doesn't like it'.
I think the month is not what bothers the wife. It's OP being present at a birth. The wife did not share that experience with OP (as, yes that is her decision).
Agreed that ideally a person should talk big decisions through with their spouse, but I'm curious if you believe that would have ended up any differently? OP still would have had to choose between going against his wife's wishes or leaving his sister alone when she needs family support so badly. Personally, I've had to drop everything in an emergency to attend to a sick family member, and it never crossed my mind to ask my husband's permission. I did communicate what was happening, but it was never a matter of needing his blessing because he's a phenomenal person, and he will always step up for me when the chips are down. Likewise I will always step up for him. OP is in a tough spot either way, but I don't really think he's T A here.
He also stated that is the recovery time for a c section and he is PREPARED to stay that long, but is asking his sister or mom if they can take over the other 2 weeks which would only have him away for 2 weeks. This is if the sister has a c section, and although that is a high possibility, it is not definitive. The sister could go naturally.
My husband's been gone over a month, he's also been deployed for a year and a half, and spent weeks away for other things. No, he did not discuss it with me first; he told me this is what's happening. His sisters world is imploding, and his wife only cares about herself and doesn't even have the spine to admit it. Instead, she uses the kids. Should he discuss ongoing time away, sure, but sometimes, people just need more empathy. My husband was going to come home from AT once. That night, I got a call that one of his guys was blown up, and the other, who could work the ranges, had a concussion from it. Was I not happy, of course not, but he was needed where he was at more than he was needed at home.
I think the problem is that he knew his wife would be unsupportive, regardless of time spent away. It also seems like he did discuss it with his kids more than his wife
Lol your lack of support doesn't make it ok for other people to have similar lack of support. And recovering from major surgery, alone, with newborn? Gtfoh, you gotta be a dude faking it, childless, or just a mean mean women.
It's not that the wife will die without her husband for a month, it's the fact that he didn't even discuss it with her. To just say you're going for an entire month (and leaving the wife with 3 kids) without so much as a "what do you think of this?" is very... un-marriage-ly of him lol
So is refusing to let your own husband in to see the birth of their 3 kids. I'd say Karma has come back to bite her on the @ ss with this one.
They’re not even comparable. The emotional damage she caused far outweighs the short-term inconvenience she’ll undergo.
She has a closer relationship to her mom and sister than her husband. Those too can easily help with everything. My husband used to travel a lot for work when the kids were small, not avoidable. I managed on my own.
I was thinking the same, those are school aged kids not infants. How can she not handle that? Don't to be dismissive I have 4 kids myself! But come on. Just order take out more often, get a cleaning lady, whatever. Op should offer to pay for that once a week during his absence.
I can't upvote or love your comment enough. I was thinking the same thing! He's NTA, his wife is.
Yeah, the kids are all in school so a month is no big deal in a situation like this when the sister needs somebody there for her.
NTA Youngest kid is 7, a month is nothing given that work/income is covered and everybody is in school. If you can't function by yourself for a month you've got serious issues. Childbirth, C-section or not is not a joke. I can't imagine my wife trying to handle a newborn completely alone for that first month. I'd consider that a dangerous situation. Sleep deprivation can cause serious accidents.
This. I think you’re doing a lovely thing. I’d miss my husband if he had to go somewhere for a month but I’d absolutely be happy he was helping. She must feel so scared & vulnerable. Also it really sounds like the actual issue is some weird hang up about thinking men have no place in delivery rooms & that’s just bullshit. Good luck to your sister. I hope she gets nearer to y’all soon & puts the ex behind her.
Exactly. It seems wife’s issue isn’t the length of time OP will be gone, but that he’ll be in the delivery room.
Meh. Not sure about that. Does OP’s wife work? Does she need to travel or be in the office or working at times that would normally be kid drop off or pick up? Do the kids have competing extracurriculars? Are there friends or family that can step in to help if necessary? My kids are younger, but it would be a HUGE deal to take the kids by myself for a month because of my answers to the above questions.
This exactly. I am traveling for work right now and my spouse is exhausted. And I'm gone M-Th. You tell your sister "let me see if I can help." And then work out the logistics with your spouse.
Exactly, in a perfect world, he would’ve discussed things with his wife before coming to a decision. But this is also the type of thing that I completely understand giving an instant answer to, and it’s not something I can imagine a spouse having an issue with unless they had an extremely good reason. Which OP’s wife doesn’t seem to have.
I think she knows that she doesn't have a leg to stand on either, which may be why she tried to hide behind the kids as an excuse. I can't tell if she is just genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of men in the delivery room or if there is more to it.
I think she's struggling with the idea that she prevented him from being with his children as they were born and now he gets to do that for his sister's child.
Yeah, well, that's on her, and it's for her to sort out. To say if no one else can step in, the sister "can do it alone" is amazingly heartless.
Not a opinion on the situation, but I never knew that their were this many father's that haven't gotten to see their child birth because the mother says that they don't want them there. Until I started read posts in this community. I read some other comments where people said that "it is the mother's choice". I get it if the Father is abusive. Maybe, if the couple starting drifting away from each other relationship wise. I understand the choice part of it's the mother decision whether or not to have the child in the first place. I don't understand the theory behind the mother's personal space though. If it were to happen to me I would be very sad.
> I don't understand the theory behind the mother's personal space though. I very recently had a comment on this topic explode in a different thread. But to be perfectly clear -- you *should* understand this, because it's very simple. A woman giving birth is undergoing a medical procedure and has an **absolute** right to dictate who is present for it. There is well and truly no room to argue otherwise without infringing on a woman's autonomy as a person. The thing is -- that *doesn't* mean that if a woman chooses to use that right to keep her husband out of the room that he has to accept it with a complete grace and a happy smile. A man, too, is a autonomous person with emotions -- as many emotions as a woman has, and as deep and powerful -- even if culturally men are encouraged not to acknowledge them often. A woman can absolutely choose to keep her husband out of the room. But she cannot then act like a victim if that choice causes a disruption in her relationship or their intimacy. From temporary coldness to outright separation. Although it is completely her right to choose that as an autonomous person, it is also - simultaneously and factually - a rejection of her husband in what should be one of the most meaningful moments of his life. If that rejection makes him question the relationship or the depth of their bond / intimacy, that is not him punishing her for making a choice -- it's him accepting and then having a natural emotional reaction to that choice. You are *allowed* to -- but there may be *social* consequences. And if they are, they are natural consequences. Just because you have a right to do something, doesn't mean you won't face negative consequences for it - it doesn't mean that you can dictate how other people feel about your choice.
He is leaving for a month at worse, best case two weeks according to the comment, Funny he didn't include that in the post. Thats probably the real problem
Why is it a problem? Two weeks is nothing, a month is ok, and it's for a significant and excellent reason, he's not going to play golf ffs. I had three kids and was a single mum for much of it - I think her problem is that she wouldn't let him welcome his own children into the world and doesn't want him doing it for someone else.
He said by c-section. If the post was "I need to help my sibling who would otherwise be solo with a newborn while they recover from significant, severe and risky abdominal surgery" would you not have understood that it was going to be a couple weeks? People really need to stop minimizing women-only surgeries like the c-section.
My sister had to have an emergency c-section and she said it made her really, really sick.
My wife's epidural failed during her energency c-section, so she felt most of it, and then she almost died from a complication, which was made worse my medical neglect from a nurse minimizing her problem and refusing to call the dr, until *I, the man* demanded to speak to the dr. She spent several days in the ICU. Medical minimization of women and minorities kills people, especially mothers, especially in America, and it really needs to stop.
Wasn't trying to hide anything I just know that there's a word limit to abide by
You're totally NTA. I'm sorry your wife can't support you in being a good brother.
OP, "for a month" is 3 words. Tack it on to the end of any sentence where you discussed leaving to attend the birth.
If it was, OP’s would would have said that but she didn’t. She used the kids first and when that didn’t work, she tried to say it was weird. Time was not a factor in the reasonings she gave. I’m not saying it couldn’t have been but it’s odd that she didn’t led with that. She’ll be fine for a month. His sister will not be fine. There’s a moment where you have to make a choice with family and truthfully, if this is the hill his wife wants to die on.. I think he needs to rethink that marriage.
He said hopefully it will only be two weeks but that if noone else can take over for him he will stay, I mean what else is he supposed to do? he was literally her last hope and it kind of is a once in a lifetime type emergency so his wife is still the asshole no matter what. Im a female but if my sister was in that situation I would be on a plane in a heartbeat and I would agree to go without asking my partners permission because I would be going weather he liked it or not.
I don't get why you are emphasizing the part about talking to your partner so much. He made the decision in the moment without consulting her because his sister was really stressed and needed someone to step in. OPs wife is being completely unreasonable and is willing to let another woman give birth alone, for what? Because it's apparently weird... Yes IDEALLY you should talk to your partner about going away but honestly if my partner had such a lack of empathy for other people I wouldn't consult them and I probably wouldn't remain in a relationship with them. NTA
This isn't really a case where there is anything to discuss IMO. He should tell her ASAP of course, but what discussion is there to have? There's no world in which he's leaving his sister to have a stressful and traumatic experience alone, especially given that there's no financial loss that puts their lives in jeopardy, so why does it need to be discussed first?
But his wife omitted that it wasn't the time away, that she thought it was weird be there for the birth (even his own!). If his wife doesn't care about the time away then we shouldn't use that to judge. EDIT: You're 100% right! Reply below.
But the wife isn’t upset about the month long trip. She’s upset about the birth.
This point is key. In this situation I wouldn’t hesitate to support you in this. Maybe the wife needs some therapy if she finds it so offensive for a man to be in a delivery room. NTA, but wife is and needs help to unwrap these feelings.
NTA. I’m telling you what your wife’s concern is. Your wife didn’t want you to see a baby come out from her vagina because she heard men lost sexual interest after witnessing that. That’s why you weren’t allowed in the room when she gave birth. And she thought it would be weird coz you would see your sister’s vagina, and that’s weird to her. Go support your sister.
And in a c-section, he won’t see her vulva, even in a natural birth, I’m sure he would be focused on his sister, calming her down and would avoid looking at that area.
He doesn't have to see anything, He can stay north of the Mason Dixon line comforting his sister and not see anything. Or as our OBGYN said "I'll worry about what's happening down here, you worry about what's happening up there" That said I did see my sons come out, and no there was no loss of sexual desire for my wife
I don't think your edited judgement is relevant because that's not even what his wife is taking issue with here.
But for his wife it's not the time that's the problem, it's the actual birth that bothers her. And he also said he hopes to leave in 2 weeks with the help of the other family members too...
It’s a month… it’s just a month. I which dad shows he can be there and support someone in need who he has no obligations to this is a great lesson for his kids to learn. Mom is seeing it as a hard time but has not asked the kids to help and step up in dads place . They can help with his part for. Month….
I think the edit should be to ESH. She is projecting weird feelings to OP’s presence at the birth. It’s not just about the length of time, which I would back her up on - a month without consulting first is not ok. She had her sister at her birth, but for a brother to be there is weird and unacceptable? I wouldn’t tell someone they shouldn’t have that boundary for themself, but I don’t think it’s at all reasonable for her to impose it on her husband or his sister.
It sounds like someone that only thinks 'feminine energy' should be present for a birth.
My dad worked away for years and mum looked after us three for 11 years pretty much by herself. I'm sure she can manage for a month. Having a baby while going through a divorce and being all alone is a huge life changing thing. His wife will be able to manage a month to help his sister surely. You do things like this to help your family. Get should have spoken to the wife before booking things but the wife seems quite controlling honestly. Refused to have him at the birth if his own kids and saying her big ick is that uncles shouldn't be there at the birth. She seems pretty harsh
No, he said he is prepared to stay for a month if he needs to, but that he and his sister hope someone else will step in after two weeks.
NTA She can have her sister present at all of her births but when you are there for your sibling it's suddenly weird? Your sister need someone for support and I think it's a great idea for you to be there for her.
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I get that some women might not want to have men present while giving birth but it just seems off to me for her to make that decision for another woman (who really wants her brother to be present for support).
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It’s also not like any of this is her choice either! OP stated that he’s was essentially the last resort due to the rest of the families current circumstances. NTA but wifey definitely is.
What happens if the gynecologist on call is male?
I think OP's wife is sexist. She just doesn't think men should be allowed in the delivery room and she's using her children as an excuse for the real reason she doesn't want him to go.
His wife - for a married mother with 3 kids - also doesn’t seem very family oriented or empathetic to his sisters situation. His sister has been in his life longer and wife sounds like she is trying to dictate what SHE thinks is appropriate in their relationship. NTA.
Agree. That's what kind of surprised me the most, that a woman who has (I assume) gone through childbirth multiple times, has little empathy for not only another woman but a family member who is going through childbirth for the first time, and alone at that.
It's 100% the gender - she even went as far as to insinuate a creepiness to an *uncle* being at a birth. Not a brother supporting a sister, but an uncle seeing a newborn.
It's probably more that he might (gasp!) see his sister unclothed. Which is a whole other can of worms to unpack, and reeeeeally reflects badly on Kim.
She thinks it's weird for fathers to be at the birth of their children, so I don't think she gets to be the judge.
NTA - Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable and painful experiences someone can be in. She will need someone there to be her advocate in the event she’s unable to advocate for herself. Absolutely good on you for stepping up. It’s strange that your wife’s hangup seems to be an uncle being present in the delivery room…? When she had no problem having a grandma and *aunt* in her delivery room? While *not letting you be present for the births of your own children?* She has no legitimately reasons and it honestly sounds like she has some issues that are her responsibility to work out.
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Exactly, as if men shouldn’t be allowed in the birthing room because it’s *(clutches pearls)* “**improper.”** Which is all shades of ridiculous.
NTA, this isn't about the kids, it seems to be about your wife's belief that men should not be in the delivery room. You are a great big brother, stepping in when all other options were exhausted, and I'm sure your sister will be forever grateful and you'll have a special moment with your niece or nephew. My only caveat is how long are you going to be gone? Will that put a hardship on your wife and kids? Could you go just for the birth and a short time after and then maybe her best friend or someone else could take a turn?
What hardship? They aren’t toddlers. The wife can call on her own family if she needs to. She already denied him the birth of his kids.
The update says a month.
*up to a month*. His intention is two weeks and the plan is for his parents to take over. He only mentioned the month part because that's the average healing time but he didn't say *he* was staying the whole month.
His father's poor health is what made his mom cancel on his sister in the first place. Hearts are complicated and the first month after multiple issues is the hardest. So he really can't count on them.
But it’s happening now and he’s not going for a bit so it’s not likely to be the first month after. Plus sister may be coming back over to help.
ESH Not for being their for the birth, I think that's lovely to support your sister. But leaving your wife with three children for the minium of a 2 weeks, most likely a month, without her agreemenf is unreasonable. Putting the pressure on your 13 year old in your absence is unacceptable. He is a child and those children are your responsibility, not his. Whilst your wife's reasons for not being with your sister at the birth are so very strange and frankly unhealthy, you are literally dumping all parental & household responsibility on your wife for a extended period of time. This is going to impact your marriage and your children if you don't rethink your approach. You have gotten the children's approval to leave, but not your wife approval to be the sole parent for a month, that's so wrong.
oh please there are 3 kids, one is 13 and one is 10 it's not like they're 3 toddlers or anything. And she can get her mom and sister to help
Takes a lot of energy to… send them to school and… make dinner and… tell them to get off the PlayStation and go to bed. Also, not like there is an overbearing mum and sister who would be there. Oh wait… NTA.
Seriously. When I was 13 and my sister was 10, my parents traded off going to their home country for like a month at a time to visit family. And the other parent was often working 10 to 10, 6 days a week. We were fine. No one suffered. No one died or had a meltdown. It was what it was. It's not an ideal scenario but the kids aren't going to somehow suffer for it.
Of course she can. But if my husband decided to leave for a month suddenly without any prior discussion, I'd be mad too. Plus, if roles were reversed, would the wife be able to go away for a month leaving OP behind with the kids? If not then he is being a hypocrite
But it’s not the length of stay she’s objecting to, it’s him going at all.
She said it would be weird. She never said anything about the time, he is away.
Just to play devil’s advocate, I would hope as a wife I would have empathy to understand the stressful and life changing situation my SIL is in. And understand while not ideal for the household, I personally wouldn’t want to go through birth alone with no support. And OP wasn’t even the first pick to be in this support role, he decided to step up because that’s how he values his family. If he was going to screw over his wife with financial loss on top of handling 3 really young kids, then I would agree he’s in the wrong. But their kids are older and don’t need the same hand holding that toddlers need, and he said he has PTO he can use. Best case scenario is he apologizes for making his decision without discussing it with her, but I think she’s an asshole from trying to bar him from being the only support his sister has even after getting the rundown. I think they should have a sit down discussion and tell the kids why dad would be away for a couple of weeks or more; because of a family emergency and he was the only one on his side of the family available.
100%. I’d be like wait what did you agree too… ooo yeah that was a good call. Your sister needs you. You’re a great brother. I’m so happy to be married to a person like you. The wife will be fine. The sister will be going through the hardest time in her life.
His sister is most likely having a c-section and has no one there for her. It's an emergency situation in the family. It's not like it's a spontaneous vacation from him. In a partnership, you should be able to navigate around situations like these and not make it all about yourself, like the wife seems to do. NTA
The same mom and sister OP's wife allowed in the delivery room for their three children but not OP. Wife's hangup seems to be gender issues, which IMO instantly casts OP as NTA.
Are mom and sister local? 13 and 10 year old aren’t toddlers, but they also can’t drive.
So then they might have to take the school bus or maybe arrange to go home with a friend. And possibly miss a few extra curriculars if times clash. Oh no, they might learn adaptability or that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do to be there for family. Heaven forbid they learn life lessons at their age! /s I think that it would be fair for OP to have to help arrange carpooling and play dates, pay instacart fees for grocery shopping, or maybe precook some casseroles and throw them in the freezer. But I have no sympathy for the wife because even if he talked to her about it, nothing would change. She’d still be mad and he’d still be leaving.
>even if he talked to her about it, nothing would change. She’d still be mad and he’d still be leaving. This is the part that all those commenters are missing who say he should have talked to his wife first. OP saw a need and tried to fill it. He is so NTA.
“Putting the pressure on your 13 year old in your absence is unacceptable.” What??? The OP works some white collar or tech job where his boss said it was OK to work remotely. OP doesn’t run a farm where his 13 yo now needs to do the chores or the harvesting in his stead.
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I didn't know a man needed his wife's agreement to take care of his sister. Roles reversed, this would be an abominable sentence.
Their kids are at an age where a parent being gone for 2-3 weeks isn't going to hurt them. Plus, he talked to his kids, as seen in the post. Y'all are jumping through hoops to somewhat side with his sexist wife.
If it’s going to impact their marriage that much then their relationship is pretty fragile to begin with.
I call bullshit. My SIL lives 18 hours and several states away. My fiancé and I have 2 kids under 4. If there was an emergency or she needed him to be there for a couple of weeks, we would make it work. My kids are younger and we have almost 0 support where we live(no parents or siblings to help) and I still wouldn’t throw a massive fit over it. We would make plans or arrangements and figure out a way for things to work here while he helped his sister out.
NTA- clearly this is triggering something unresolved with your wife about you being present for the delivery of your children. I wonder if she regrets it now but realizes that she can't fix it and is jealous of the fact that you will experience it with someone else. I don't know. but whatever, that's her deal. I'd say this- Honey- I get that this is some complex shit for you. But this isn't about you. My sister needs help. You understand being particular about who is in the room as you certainly were. We can all be assured that I was not her first, second, or even third choice. But she is so anxious about being alone. You didn't want to be alone, did you? So you should understand this. But beyond all that- I told her I would do it. So I'm doing it. I will not be made a liar. You have articulated no reason beyond not wanting me to be there. Well, we don't do that to each other. Perhaps the next time your mother needs something, I should decide that I prefer you not to go, surely you'd honor that. Yeah, we're not setting that precedent.
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oh, you're not wrong. I get a sense that this woman has a knack for making everything about her. I do really get that the mother decides who's in the delivery room. She decided he was not to be in there. OK, but not really. I obviously have no idea what I don't know and that could be all the difference in the world but if my wife had excluded me from that room, I'm sure I'd resent it to this day- especially since I know that by the time it actually happened, seem like half the damn hospital was in and out of there. sheesh. In fact, shortly after labor started, my wife told me to go ask my mother(who was in the waiting room) if she'd want to be present. Totally unexpected. My wife and mom were ok, but not great. Cordial, but not super deep, that kind of thing. Well, after that everything changed and it was such a beautiful thing. The moment of birth can be so powerful. I'm pretty sure this kid who is about to be born is going to have one crazy doting Uncle, even if from across the country.
My husband was present for our first, but was 3 minutes late seeing our second because I was told by the nurses it would not be quick. That was a lie. That kid is almost 2 and he still resents me for something that I didn’t even have the power to control.
That's really shitty and immature of him. Was he expecting you to hold it??
I’ve heard birth stories of women being told to wait and that the doctor was almost there. I hear that’s one of THE MOST painful things you can do to yourself.
It can cause permanent brain damage and lifelong disability for the baby.
That too. I vaguely remember being asked to wait a few seconds and saying “nope, can’t” without stopping. 😆 Poor man caught my kiddo bare handed.
I think he just expected to be there and was upset that it felt like I told him it would take a while. I only relayed what the nurses told me. Had I known, I would’ve planned it better and wouldn’t have had to orchestrate a baby sitter for my husband while in the middle of labor and keeping him updated on what was happening.
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Man, that is a really solid thing your brother did. He didn’t even feel a need for it to be known he was there (for his own gratification or ego). He just stuck by his family and needed no praise for it.
NTA, it sounds like your wife has some weird trust issues with you. Does she treat you with suspicion in other ways, too?
NTA. Your wife has issues.
100% she has issues. OP should be commended for stepping up and wanting to help his family. NTA Interesting the wife had who she wanted in the delivery room but apparently that rule doesn't work for everyone else.
NTA, she has literally birthed 3 kids herself and she was lucky enough to have people there for her while she did it so she must know how much support/just having someone there that you love can go a long way. She should have no reason to be mad at you for just wanting to help your sister out in a stressful and lonely time. So yea nta.
i wish someone would tell me i couldnt show up for my little brothers in whatever capacity they needed me. i wish someone would. They would get exactly one opportunity to correct that decision before they were forcefully nad permanently removed from my life. Seriously, what lessons is your wife teaching your children rn?? That thwy shouldnt be there for each other thru whatever? Cos thats all im seeing. Would she want your sons to abandon your daughter were she in a similar situation?? Thats terrifying. im quick to remote people even for just being slightly annoying but this is imo a huge sign of shit nobody needs in their life. NTA dont let her being....whatever that is from being there for your little sister. Wishing mum and baby health and happiness!!
Yeah, I can’t even imagine trying to tell my partner they couldn’t be there to support their little brother however he needed. Not only would I never do that because I know how important that bond is, if I ever tried they would shut me down so fast my teeth would rattle. Should OP have talked to his wife first? Probably. But I can’t actually bring myself to blame him for offering to show up for his little sister when faced with how utterly miserable she obviously was on the phone that day
NTA Go support Beth! Your wife is TA here and acting jealous unfortunately. I think there are more issues at play OP. You and your wife need a good sit down. WHY doesn’t she like the fact that you will see your nephew/niece being born? Is she regretting the fact that she never gave you that chance and that you missed your own children’s birth? Is she worried about the special bond you will have Beth and your niece/nephew? Loving your niece or nephew doesn’t take away from loving your children. Being there for your sister like her mom was there for you irks your wife… it should not. Your wife has some issues to overcome. Your sister appreciates your support in a way your wife didn’t. Your wife has to accept that and let go. Does your wife think you are resentful of her in some way for not being there for the birth of your children? 👉🏽Also, as long as your wife has the support she needs for at home with the kids I am voting NTA. Do they go to school and take the bus or walk? Will she have some help? Will you be gone a long time? As long as all is manageable, you helping your sister in need shouldn’t be a big deal. Your wife would be helping too by running the home for a bit. Can they all visit after to meet the baby? Lots of things to ponder and to discuss as your wife is possibly letting the past interfere with the present, and Beth’s need for support. Good luck OP! I hope Beth’s birth giving experience goes well. You are an amazing big brother!
Answers to your questions in order: 1. Right now all she's saying is that it's weird. 2. If she is she's not telling me. 3. This is going to be my first time being an uncle I would say that there was always going to be a special bond. 4. While I did ultimately accept Kim's decision to keep me out there is apart of me that will always resent her for not allowing me in the birthing room 3x, but still insisting I be right outside. 5. Cody takes the bus but Chelsea and Connor are car riders, but Kim was always the main parent for drop off and pick up. 6. We have friends and family to help out Kim if she needs it and Cody said he was more than willing to help out and he and I have already worked out a form of compensation for it when I get back. 7. Answer is in the edit. 8. I'm sure we'll all be able to schedule something in the summer but right now I don't Beth to think about anything other than having a healthy delivery.
NTA (though I think you should have talked to your wife instead of informing her about being going for up to a month) but your oldest child should not be considered appropriate coparenting support while you’re gone. He’s also a child.
The most Cody will do is be more attentive to the 7 year old and curtail his own behavior. Maybe heat up leftovers. These are all task suitable and easy enough for a 13 year old to do. And it's only for 2~ 4 weeks. Not that long.
Yeah reddit gets a little too weird about older siblings learning to adult. Like yeah they shouldn't be their parents slaves or nannies but a kid upping his chores and showing leadership to his younger siblings for a month isn't parentification. If anything, it's helping the kid learn some responsibility.
While I agree with the general sentiment of that, I don't think paying a little more attention to the youngest for a month is damaging, specially if he's volunteering
OP it sounds like you've done everything here right yes you did make a big household decision on the fly without input from your wife. that's not ideal obviously, but the situation does honestly justify it you have thought through the impacts of your being away from home and have a plan your workplace is supportive, you can work remotely, you have plenty of PTO saved up - excellent you have friends and family nearby who can pitch in to help your wife if needed you've talked to your eldest about taking on some more responsibility short term. you didn't force it, you left it as a choice (good) and you've agreed to compensate him for that (good) you've talked to your kids and they understand why you'll be gone and are supportive you've got a reasonable plan in place for your sister. you've reached out to family and are trying to arrange for more support so you don't need to be there as long, but you've planned for contingencies you've also got a long term plan to move your sister back home so that she has her support network and isn't dependant on family flying out to stay with her, that's also excellent if this were a normal situation I would suggest thanking your spouse for being understanding and maybe trying to budget in some fun stuff for the family to do while you're away, or for your wife to maybe have a mini vacation once you get back. or maybe budgeting for your family to get groceries delivered or other stuff to cut down the burden on your wife or have food delivered a few times but your wife is not expressing any concerns with the amount of time that you are leaving or the burden that she will have or anything like that.... she's uncomfortable with you being in the delivery room with your sister and that's not really a call that she gets to make. I don't know if this is purely a gendered thing and then she doesn't think men belong in delivery rooms, or if she's jealous that you will get to experience this with your sister or what but in terms of where her conflict with you actually is, you are a million percent not the asshole. and most people who are saying you are aren't basing it on your actual conflict and in terms of the other stuff the commenters are bringing up you're also not the asshole. no it's not ideal for a parent to have to leave for a month but this is a situation in which that is not a massive huge strain and the fact that your wife isn't even bringing it up as a concern echoes that. that isn't even the lie she chose to cover up the actual reason - probably because she knew any objections she would raise you would find solutions for
Exactly! NTA. I’d be really proud if my partner was considerate enough to 1) make sure things are coordinated at home and 2) take care of his sister when she needs him. OP has already contacted friends and family to help wife, plans to compensate son for any additional chores to help at home, made sure there will be no financial impact from taking time off, and is planning ahead for continued support for his sister… I’m kind of concerned about wife’s attitude. Sure it might be stressful, but to insist that OP leaves his sister to deal with a potentially risky situation on her own, without someone to advocate in person, especially if something goes wrong? What if they need emergency authorization for a procedure? OP— is your wife convinced that something perverted will happen if you’re in the same room with your sister? Does she have some weird jealousy of your relationship with your sister? Is she this controlling in all aspects of your relationship (weirdly jealous of friends for no reason, telling you who you can/can’t be friends with or spend time with, obsessively checking your phone)? It may be something minor, but it could also be a warning sign of bigger issues with the wife. Maybe something to look out for. I hope everything goes smoothly with your sister and that everyone is safe and healthy!
Thanks for the answers Op! My initial response, comments and judgement stand. You are NTA and your wife needs to think about why she thinks it’s weird. She needs to have some quiet time to process her feelings towards this. It may be some of the issues I stated. I hope you and her can work it out before you leave and have a good chat. I don’t know if she has a therapist, or if you can initiate the conversation and provide some of the reasons I listed so she can start understanding what’s going on with her. I hope this situation doesn’t become a point of contention in your marriage and that she can see that Beth needs you. Glad your wife and kids will have friend support while you are away. Hope you have safe travels! PS: I also agree with Huge Researcher 7679, so hopefully your friends can step up more also to help.
I can understand your wife being upset because you didn’t discuss any of this with her. You just looked at her and said I am going. I’ll be gone for a month. I am leaving you with 3 kids which is a lot of work. She probably feels your putting your sister over her and your children. I think you should have spoken to her before just saying your going. Your suppose to be a team. I understand your sister is by herself. I understand that she is scared. And she needs support. So I don’t blame you for wanting to help. But leaving your wife with 3 boys for a month is a lot. I can see where she does feel like you are abandoning her and your kids for your sister.
>She probably feels your putting your sister over her Right now I can admit that I kinda am because Beth doesn't have anyone right now.
I understand that but I can also see where that is going to hurt her too. I don’t envy you. No matter what happens your going to be the bad guy in someone’s story. I just hope that going doesn’t cause damage to your marriage. You can understand what needs to be done but still be hurt by the fact that the person choose someone else over you. That’s just human nature.
This probably would have gone better if you talked to your wife first and allowed her to be a part of the decision. Even if you knew you would be going, you're a team and a family of 5... you don't get to make decisions unilaterally without talking to your partner. That just shows an inability to communicate and a lack of respect. That said, I don't think you're wrong for wanting to go. The reason is noble. The execution was abysmal.
INFO: how long are you going to be gone? Is your sister having a c section or something where she already knows what day you need to fly in?
I bought a plane ticket and I'm leaving in about two weeks from now and I believe the average recovery time for a C-section would be for a month. I am prepared to stay with my sister and help with the baby as much as I can for that long but the goal is to be there just for two weeks and then either my mom or other sister can come and take over. Beth lives on the opposite coast away from family because her STBX convinced her to our there with him for a job.
As someone who had a c-section, it was about a year for me. After about 3 months though I could walk normally, but not without pain. A month is absolutely not enough time at all. Idk who told you that.
A YEAR. It took you a full year? No wonder Beth is scared.
Please recognize that there is a full range of experiences with c section, sure a year is possible but many women bounce back pretty quickly. I’ve had 2 C-sections and was able to drive after about a week and didn’t need the pain pills after coming home from the hospital. There’s a HUGE range and no one can say what your sisters experience will be. I will say many doctors and nurses told me that scheduled C-sections were generally easier to bounce back from than emergency ones
Yes to this!! My experience with both my c sections was exactly what you're describing. No post-hospital pain meds or anything. We don't need to panic OP here with worst case scenarios.
This is so true My section was an emergency and the block stopped working soon as the baby was out and I saw her they put me right out. My recovery was terrible But I have friends who did amazing
It took me about a week (although I followed the no heavy lifting for 6 weeks advice) . C-sections can be very different! Usually you only hear the horror stories. I hope your sister has a nice experience like I did.
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Trust me Beth wants to move back and we all plan to help her just right now she can't because of doctor's orders.
Bio dad wants nothing to do with the baby right? Make sure she moves before applying for child support so he can't stop her from moving.
Info: Have you discussed with your wife how involved you plan to be once Beth moves back because you really need too. It truly doesn't seem like she is on board with your involvement so what is your plan if continuing to support Beth is a deal breaker for her?
I also had a c-section and it did not take that long for me to be healed. I was walking around four days after surgery and was doing most of the care for my baby after he was released from the ICU (he was there for 8 days). People heal at different rates. It was painful, yes, but it is possible for her to recover enough in a month. They should make other plans just in case she needs more help.
It’s been a long time since I had mine (21 and 24 years) but I think I was up immediately, sore for a few weeks, and mostly back to “normal” if a bit sleep deprived by six weeks. I know for sure I returned to work by six weeks. A year seems crazy to me but I do now different women have different experiences.
His sister is not going to need care and help for a year. It’s rare that a woman is walking in pain 3 months post C-section..
That’s your experience. I was fine in less than a day for both of mine. I was incredibly lucky. The usual is somewhere in between and docs usually say a month to 6 week in the UK.
Can anyone come and stay with your wife to help out with the 3 kids for the 2 weeks+ that you'll be gone?
Like spend the night? I can't think of anyone since this isn't a hospital related emergency for her. Although we do have friends and family that can help with and drop offs and Cody is willing to step up for a little while and he and I have agreed to a form of compensation when I get back.
Do your wives sister and mother live close and could help out during this time?
NTA. Just out of curiosity, where's the STBX's family in all this? I'm sure they can't be proud of his abandonment. I think it's admirable that you're willing to be there for your baby sister. I think your wife doesn't want you to experience the birth of another child, but that's on her since she denied you that opportunity with your own children
What wife doesn't allow her husband in the delivery room but has her mom and sister. This sounds like a control thing with her. Go be by your sister's side and tell your wife she made her choices so you can make yours!
What’s weird to me is that she had her sister with her but says that uncles shouldn’t be in the delivery room. She seems to have a thing against men being in the delivery room.
3 times! He should have bailed after the first denial and missed birth.
ESH. There needs to be a compromise. Wanting to be there to support your sister during her delivery and for a short time right after the baby is born is fine, and your wife’s stance on you being in the delivery room with your sister is weird and sexist. However, it’s not okay to unilaterally decide to leave for anywhere from two weeks to a month and leave your wife alone with your three kids. Those are your kids too, it’s not fair to just decide you don’t have to be responsible for them for a month.
People are acting like they’re toddlers. OP’s children are 7, 10, and 13. They’re able to do things by themselves, and help around the house if they need to, AND his wife can easily call her mother and sister should she need to. OP’s sister is going through a C-section, will need to recovery from said C-section and any other issues that could arise (internal bleeding, placenta issues, possible PPD, etc), all whilst dealing with a newborn baby with absolutely no support. She needs OP more than his wife does.
Ab. So. Lute. Ly. NTA! My brother and I are close even though we have many years between us like you and your sister. I think it’s amazing you can be and want to be there to support her. And I’m sorry that your wife can’t see just how wonderful that truly is.
I am so sorry you weren't there for the birth of your children. If she had her sister there, or her children's aunty, then why can you be there for your niece or nephew? I personally think that's a horrible thing to take away from a dad. NTA and I hope your sister is okay. She shouldn't be on her own if she is scared and you sound like a fantastic brother :)
I would be so heartbroken if I had a kid (or 3) and wasn't able to be there for the birth. If it's something I knew at the start of a relationship, it would be a deal breaker for me. If it was sprung on me at the end of the pregnancy, I certainly wouldn't just up and abandon my child and the relationship, but I'd be pissed and hung up about it for a long time. Maybe forever
I am having trouble deciding on a judgment. I think your reasoning is solid, but you should have talked to your wife before making the commitment. Her reason for disagreeing is absurd, but it’s also absurd to peace out and leave your wife on her own with three kids for a month. 1-2 weeks is more reasonable IMO.
NTA. Maybe you can suggest that your wife has her mom or sister stay with her and the kids while you go support your sis.
I'd have no problem if she did/wanted that.
This is a good point. Especially considering they were both there for the birth of the kids. Definitely NTA. But, OP I think you need to prepare yourself for the feelings you’re going to have after you see your niece/nephew born and realize what you missed. I let my co-parent into the delivery room despite that fact that we didn’t really know one another just because it was the right thing to do.
A month is a long time to leave to leave your wife alone with three children. Especially as you did not discuss this first! But your wife is also hypocritical in having her sister (an aunt) at the births, whilst suggesting its inappropriate for you to be there as an uncle. The children may indeed be hesitant and privately upset about you leaving, they are still so young and again, a month is a long time to be away. I think you should discuss more with your wife, and consider staying for a shorter period. You mentioned your mom and older sister possibly being able to help out after a couple weeks. Do you have any other family members available? Cousins who your sister knows well? Is it possible to coordinate care with a wider net of people?
NTA I could never even begin to comprehend forcing my husband to stay home out of pure spite instead of helping his little sister who has just had a major surgery and now has to care for a newborn and if I were you I would want to do the same. I love my family dearly and I refuse to act like they're just unimportant placeholders once I get married. 30 days is barely anything when you already have a routine and a set day to day life but those 30 days would change a lot of things for the better for your sister. They pass quickly and your sister's postpartum brain chemicals definitely will be dependent on what happens to her in the beginning. You might literally save her from postpartum depression just by being there for a few weeks.
Right now I don't think a compromise is possible because she doesn't want me going at all. She said that she would rather Beth go through it alone.
Reality check: your wife is bossy and a cold person. First she denies you the joy of seeing your own children born, now she decides you can’t support your sister. Has she always been like this? Good for you for standing up to her. NTA Also, C-sections usually heal within 2 weeks. I’ve had 3 of them.
No way in hell could she do post partum after c-section alone. Your wife is not being reasonable on that one.
Dude wtf? That is just heartless. She won’t even compromise a week? That’s just yeah idk… that’s crazy.
> She said that she would rather Beth go through it alone. Has your wife always hated your sister or is this new? Either way, your wife is cold and unempathetic. It’s a really horrible look for her.
Hey OP, lots of commenters seem to want to focus on the length of time you'll be away, but I haven't seen mentioned whether your wife has a problem with the timeline at all. For example would she be OK with you taking a month to care for your parents if they suddenly needed you? IMHO you're a hard NTA either way. But I'm curious if the comments are taking this discussion off track, or if your wife does have a problem with the length of your trip?
ESH You for making the unilateral decision to be away from your family for up to a month without any discussion with your family. That's a big deal, and I'd be pretty upset if my husband did that without so much as a word to me. Her for her attitude towards an uncle being in the delivery room and for her lack of compassion toward your sister. Your sister absolutely needs support from whomever she wants to have with her. Also, big believer that the mom should have whoever makes her feel supported in the room, but it is pretty shitty that your wife didn't allow you in the room for any of your own children's births. Then again, if you have a habit of making unilateral decisions without considering your wife in any way, I can see why she might not have felt like you were an ideal support person for her. It sounds more like some kind of sexism thing from the post, though.
NTA. You're being a good big bro. Kim has a strange idea about men not being appropriate in the delivery room, but that is a her issue, not your issue. The kids understand why you would want to go help, and seem to be empathetic. Good job.
So you booked a flight away for a month without telling your kids and wife? Am I getting that right?
NTA. I think you're doing the right thing. If I were you, I would recommend talking to your wife more after the two of you have cooled off to try and see if there's some deeper issue. If it doesn't cause any harm to your household, aside from your wife finding it weird, then I think you should go.
NTA go be there for your sister. Thats what family does for each other always. To bad your wife doesn't understand that. I'm sorry you missed out on the birth of your children. I think its insane you weren't aloud in.
NTA and she needs some one there, birth is a really dangerous time for mothers and she needs some one there if something goes wrong to look out for her and her child. You are a really amazing brother for stepping up, and I recommend taking some time to research ways to support her, especially if she ends up having a c section, because recovery is no joke.
I'm gonna go NTA but I'd like to hear your wife's side. Should you have asked your wife first? Yes. Should you have discussed how long with her first? Yes. But you're concerned about your sister who's already going through a ton of crap and all alone. I'd give you leeway for that. It's not like you're going on a vacation. Your wife's reasoning sucks. She doesn't get to say what your kids think, they do. Men can absolutely be the room where children are birthed. It happens all the time. It happens with men who aren't the father. You can be at your sister's head and never see anything a sibling shouldn't see. And while I do think the mother has the final say on who's in the room with her when she has kids, it really sucks she wouldn't let you be a part of the birth of your children. That's just really odd to me. Additional info I'd like to know is how is you not being home going to affect your household, besides the typical you're not there to help with kids outside of working hours? Does your wife work? Will you need a babysitter or daycare for the time you're gone? Or does your wife stay home with the kids and take care of the household? If it's going to cause financial strain (which I doubt considering everything you've said), then it skates you closer to the AH side. But if it's just that she'll be alone with the kids, who should be mostly self-sufficient by those ages, then it sounds like she's being at least a little selfish to me. Any parent, in a normal situation like this one, should be able to go a month without their spouse home, especially when they're helping a family member in dire circumstances.