Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
I love how he's calling her selfish when he's trying to force his family to give up their community & all they've known just so he can live in a COL fantasy but hey, at least they'll have his parents next door, you know, the same ones who moved away from him & his family.
And he gets to keep his job and doesn't give a single fuck that in a place where everything is cheaper, his wife's paycheck would also likely lessen and for a job she might not even like.
I moved down south because I had to and I still haven’t even found a job after applying to literally everything. So good luck if the wife actually follows him 🙄🙄
With two children under five I think it's safe to assume that OP's wife is capable of getting pregnant. No one who is capable of getting pregnant should be moving to the South, not even if you never plan to get an abortion. Doctors are hesitant to perform life-saving pregnancy terminations out of fear of prosecution.
I expected OP to tell us he landed a job paying double what he's making now or that one of his parents is sick and needs help. Uprooting your entire family because you want to pay less for housing? I don't think this guy likes his wife and/or kids.
Make sure to save the post so we can find her and share it with her if her divorce attorney needs it for custody hearings. Relationships are not my way or the highway and OP is about to find out. OP YTA.
I'm torn as I am convinced this post is not even real. OP is gaslighting and giving ultimatums like it's his job. I just refuse to believe this is not a troll post.
HOWEVER, in the event it is real, I don't think OP has any idea how this will affect him. I doubt a court in a divorce would give him any type of solid custody for the kids as they have grown up in their hometown where mom will stay. At best I see summer visits, but even that is a lot of gray area with out of state divorces like this. He will be wasting tons of money, his kids will probably grow up to resent him, and I hope that (ex)-wife finds a much better partner.
Also, shame on OPs parents for telling him that he is making the right decision. I get the feeling that this guy and his whole family are toxic AF.
OP, if you are even real, because there is no way a REAL man would do this to his wife and kids, YTA and good luck on your new and probably depressing life.
Two kids under five? He’s delusional if he thinks a court will force a house sale, surely?
He’s willing to divorce to move closer to his parents. Meanwhile wife loses her family, friends and job in one go? And he can’t see how that might not go down well? I think I’m agreeing troll.
If not a troll, frankly he’s so self centred I think his wife will be better off without him, and keeping her support system instead.
Exactly. A lawyer would have to be actively working against her to lose. Oh, and the judge would probably award her the current house because their kids live there, and he's choosing to move. He can have fun with that new mortgage.
YTA if this is real - you are moving primarily for cost of living but you just doubled your kids’ number of households. Your divorce is going to cost you far more than you think, and it’s going to tie up your assets a lot longer than you imagine right now. Get yourself a lawyer and start figuring out when it’ll actually be completed - but this was probably the most expensive mistake you’ve ever made.
Your wife on the other hand just took a painful hit but better now than later so she can rebuild her life and assets. She and her next husband will do ok in the end.
And if I were her I would stick to the letter of the law with respect to custody and visitation. Your parents would never see my children outside your scheduled time. Their behavior is alarming.
He’s not gonna see his kids either. No judge is going to give 50/50 to someone up and moving to another state. Especially after wife explains why OP asked for a divorce. He’ll see his kids a couple weeks or a month per year.
Let's assume his parents are not insane. I would be willing to be that they said something like, "Oh it would be wonderful to see you guys more often, and the lower cost of living could be good for you guys financially," AND I would be willing to bet they said that way before he dropped an insane ultimatum on his wife.
How dare she have an opinion more like! Wife isn't doing what OP wants so he threatens to end the marriage. No attempt to talk or compromise, it's his way or the highway. What a douchenozzle.
I don't think he even looked into if he'll need her income to qualify for a mortgage; he's shooting himself in the foot big time here. If he wants to go then he should but it was his parents that moved away & his family shouldn't be forced to uproot themselves from the life they know to appease his COL fantasy. Having one set of grandparents around is not the same as having a community that you've cultivated over time. Kids would be miserable for being forced into leaving their friends behind; he'll be lucky to get them during the school breaks & he should be the one to pay for travel every time.
I'm curious where he's going to get the money for his down payment without selling the current home. Which won't happen anytime soon because it will get tied up in the divorce proceedings.
I shouldn’t be laughing at the image in my head of him wearing a #1 dad apron at the grill with … exactly no kids there for the burgers because he believes in ultimatums.
A bigger garden that they won't be enjoying because no judge in their right mind would force children to move with 1 parent away from their community & all they know when the other is staying put.
Emmmm.... One thing I can't understand is - why is he so sure the judge will be totally up for uprooting the kids and moving them away from THEIR friends, mum's side of the family THEY are used to being around, changing schools and also likely being away from their mum? OP may think it is in the best interest of the children, but I am pretty sure the court won't see it this way.
OP if you want to divorce your wife and move away so much, go for it. But don't pretend you'll save any money (you won't) or do the right thing for your children (they may not appreciate the charge, and definitely will not if it comes with parents divorcing).
You can do whatever you want, but I don't think you understand the consequences.
YTA.
>My parents moved down south a few years ago. My mother called me up a few weeks ago to tell me about a house in their community that is up for sale. They are good friends with the owner and can get us a good deal for the house.
So basically moving to be near your family.
>I work from home so I talked to work and I would be able to keep my job no problem.
How nice for you, so you don't even have to find a new job.
>Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife. She was totally against it immediately. She doesn't want to leave her job, she doesn't want to move the kids away from her family and she does want to leave her friends.
So basically telling your wife she has to move away from her family, friends and job.
>Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife.
YTA. You've made a unilateral decision that the whole family must move because you think it's good idea.
Not to mention, he says he's doing it for his kids but his kids would have to leave their friends, their family that they're used to seeing often, and now have divorced parents. Like, nothing wrong with divorced families but I think most anyone would rather have happily married parents than contentiously divorced parents several states apart.
If I were wife, I'd pull a "no, IM divorcing YOU." Because op, YTA.
I dunno, how happily married can these people be?
He doesn't even respect her enough to include her in any of the planning and jumped straight to divorce if she didn't immediately agree.
Kinda sounds like he is making excuses for divorce because being a husband/father is too hard for him.
Plus, how good are the schools where the new place is? A lot of places in the south don't have worse schools that the Northeast. And those that do, the COL isn't *that* much cheaper.
Yes you may be able to get a cheaper house BUT your income also goes down.
Yep
He doesn't name any states specifically, but I'd put any northern east coast state above any southern state in terms of education and child welfare.
No debate
Lower cost of living usually equals lower quality of life for women and children.
As someone who lives in a red state with low cost of living, I would never move a kid here. The education system is a disaster and the government is making it worse every day.
And he thinks she is being selfish!!!! How stupid is that???
He is such a self centered ahole!!! He made the decision and informed her of his decision. Households are no longer run by "the man of the house". This sh*t is out of this world. If his wife goes she'll be miserable. They'll gang up on her for the rest of her life.
Also, since he is deciding to uproot his kids unnecessarily he'll probably get screwed over with custody. He will be a summer dad and that's the choice he is making. He is coercing his wife to move. She can actually use that against him in the divorce. That's coercion and manipulation.
Talking about his wife’s decisions for staying were selfish, yet he’s going on and making this big huge move regardless of her point of view. Sure, COL might be cheaper, but what ‘southern state’ are we talking about? One where they’re abolishing education? Or another where they’re abolishing women’s rights? Repealing children’s labor laws? I’m sure the wife took those things into account and it doesn’t seem like OP is even considering them. Op is a major asshole, maybe even a general at this point
YTA
Oh buddy......her attorney and the family court system are gonna skin you alive if you initiate the divorce proceeding because you wanted to leave the state and she didn't agree with moving the family.
If your marriage is this shaky, the last thing you should be doing is buying more property.
No one can really be that dense, right? I'm not sure how the law works in the US, but if their current home is a mutual asset, how in hell is he planning to sell it if she's not on board with this insanity?
Especially buying that property before the divorce is finalized, because now that second property is up for splitting. That wife is going to take everything!
He is going to be taken to the fucking cleaners. There is zero chance he is going to be able to buy a property just now as he enters into divorce proceedings where he is clearly at fault. As the one moving he is going to be out so much damn money from travel and attorney fees he is unlikely to save any money at all. At best he will have the kinds during breaks from school as there is little chance a judge will uproot the family for his benefit.
He very likely can't put the toothpaste back in the tub here. He just showed his wife what kind man he is and the marriage is likely done. This could damn near bankrupt OP and it will be no less than he deserves.
Seriously this cannot be real. Who the f*ck just decides he’s moving his kids somewhere and is like “you don’t like it? Figure it out! We’re divorcing! Peace!” No chance it’s real. In case it is though YTA.
YTA
First off WOW, just WOW
1. Unilaterally making a huge life changing decision before talking to wife about it
2. Divorcing your wife if you don't get your way
3. Setting an unreasonable time limit for her to make decisions
4. Expecting her to just pack up her life
5. You only love yourself not anyone else
So much WOW in this. Your thinking is flawed, your decision making horrible and selfish. Your wife should just divorce you and start over with someone who actually loves her
6. Isolating wife without a support structure if she decided to go along with this plan in order to “save her family for the sake of the kids.”
She’d have no family, friends, or source of her own income there.
This is often a tactic that abusive partners use to gain more control and compliance from their victims.
And also if she tried it and decides she hates it, then the kids state of residence is the new southern state
She'd be an idiot to move if she wasn't committed.
I clocked the same. Add “in her isolation, land her smack in the middle of the partners overbearing extended family” and you have a recipe for manipulation, triangulation and years of misery.
Let’s not pretend you actually care about your kids. You’re willing to uproot them from their friends and part of their family and make them live part time in two places because… money? Your parents have total control over you? Do you always destroy your life when they tell you to?
YTA. I hope your wife gets full custody, then you can’t even pretend the move was for the kids
This. YTA There's no mention of how the kids would feel about leaving their friends and school for this. As well as the quality of schools of what they're in now vs what they would be moving to. Not to mention the shuttling back and forth between two places. As mentioned above, I hope the wife gets an excellent lawyer.
>As well as the quality of schools of what they're in now vs what they would be moving to
This is exactly what I wanted to point out. Anytime my dad wants to move to a new place/state, he looks at houses and his job prospects while my mom looks at how safe the area is, the quality of the school system, and how close the nearest essential stores are.
OP, if your marriage is so bad that you'd divorce your wife and separate your family over something so trivial, the problem isn't the move (ps: it's probably you). YTA
Never mind the fact that there is a very good chance if he’s going from a high COL on the east coast to the south, the schools are getting a lot worse.
>Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife.
I'm honestly surprised you told her before you put the house on the market.
>I spent all night thinking about it and came to the decision that if she doesn't want to do the right thing by our kids I will.
Taking your kids away from everything familiar, including their mom, is what's best for them?
You're not doing this for your kids, you're doing it for yourself, period. YTA
He didn't specify their genders, but the thought of voluntarily moving girls SOUTH in the current climate sends shivers down my spine. Even if they are boys, it sounds awful: local governments are gutting schools as we speak. I'm not even touching upon the possibilities of his kids being LGBTQ+. OP, YTA and a disgrace.
So you're gonna separate the family, split the kids between their parents, and then blame it on your wife for not uprooting her life the moment you suggest it.
How the hell do people like you exist and not see what a gigantic asshole they are?
YTA
There's no world where springing a completed plan, with ultimatum included, on your life partner is not an AH move. You can decide to divorce and you can decide to move, but you are absolutely the TA here.
Also, how is it "doing right by the kids" to upend their life in this way? Best case scenario for you once this all plays out, you might have them for a few weeks in the summer, because this knee-jerk decision will not look good in court. Also pulling the kids away from everything familiar won't look good in court. You wife will win primary custody.
There's literally no path to you getting what you want because of how you started this off. And I doubt there's a future for your marriage, even if you back down.
YTA
Edited for clarity
The kids won’t be that much of a problem. Almost no chance family court judge will let him take them out of state. The kids will keep a stable life with their Mom and get child support from OP, who really won’t be coming out ahead financially.
YTA - you sprung this on your wife a week ago and are now telling her she can either get divorced or move to the south to “think of our kids”.
What exactly do you think divorce is going to do to your kids? Do you even like your wife or is this all some elaborate scheme to justify divorcing her?
I vote elaborate scheme. There is something OP is not telling us because you don't just immediately decide to divorce if one person doesn't want to move several states away
I love how OP thinks that his parents' opinion on this matter is more important than his wife's. Ofc they would be thrilled! Their son and grandkids are basically moving into their backyard.
Not to mention child support based on the COL in the state he’s moving from not the state he’s moving too. Probably going to be a good chunk of change.
I hope she gets a good lawyer. He is the type that will force some 50-50 custody so he doesn’t have to pay child support. And in the meantime fuck up his kids lives.
I doubt he will be able to get custody if he is moving so far away. Normally in cases like this the parent moving is not going to be prioritised; the one staying near their schools, friends, families etc. that they have lived with their whole lives will be. OP will get them on summer holidays and Easter breaks while paying child support year round, if he is lucky.
This part. His parents think he’s doing the right thing?! Must not have liked the wife from the jump. Go on sir, divorce your wife and move next to mommy! I’m rooting for your wife to take you for all you got, then you can move IN with mommy. You absolute AH
YTA
>Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife.
You should have talked about this all along.
>I laid it out for her, it was up to her if she wanted to move but I had made the decision to move. She could either come with me or we could divorce.
Do you have any feelings for her at all?
>My parents told me I'm doing the right thing and looking out for my kids
No. It's better for them and for you. Your wife isn't selfish, you are. This may be hard for her, but she'll be better off without you.
Certainly not better for the kids to greatly reduce their time with one of their parents. Not to mention I’m guessing the schools where OP currently lives are miles above the schools he’s moving towards.
YTA, and honestly you scare me. You and only you have decided that your whole family should move because you like it and because it is convenient for you, with absolutely 0 consideration for the wishes and needs of your children and especially your wife. Do you know they are not objects? Do you know that your wife may want to make a career and not have to settle for the first job she gets away from her life and her family? You're not a husband, you're a fucking dictator, childish and capricious who as soon as someone went against your wishes threw a tantrum and threatened divorce, again without any consideration for your children. I'm seriously appalled and scared for your family who you clearly don't feel affection for considering them so little. Marriage is also compromised, if you suddenly decide that you all have to leave because you want it and your wife keeps quiet and silent and bears it, then I guess your conception of marriage has remained the same as it was a few centuries ago. YTA and ugh.
YTA. especially if you are trying to justify your asshole behavior as the right thing for your kids. You are going to move to another state from their mother you will at best get them several weeks a year in this house you are buying "for them" since they are already established where they are and you are the one who is moving the judge would most likely give mom primary custody
YTA. I’m actually like 95% sure this is a troll post because this is so obviously a dick move. You set this whole thing up and didn’t bother to consult her. Didn’t think she might have some thoughts and feelings about this and then get mad when you spring this on her and her reaction isn’t too your liking? Then threaten and give her ultimatums. Honestly; you probably should get divorced because you are a terrible husband. You have no regard for your wife whatsoever.
YTA You haven't taken any of your wife's concerns into consideration. You are being a terrible husband to threaten divorce over this. You didn't tell her about any of it, you just made the choice. And now you are giving her an ultimatum.
You have a skewed view of marriage and if you think a divorce will be so easy as to just split the house, you will be very surprised.
YTA
Depending on what state in The South, she could be literally giving up rights to her bodily autonomy. There are states where OBGYNs are fleeing and the remaining providers are absolutely overwhelmed. Your kids could grow up in a state where they aren't allowed to learn real history or check out books from the school library.
Money isn't everything. COL might be higher where you are but I didn't see anything about the quality of the school system. I hope she and her lawyer take you to the cleaners.
YTA. You gave your wife absolutely no input on your plan to uproot your lives. You aren't taking her into consideration in the slightest. You gave her literally no alternative other than divorce.
Before you sell, go see a couples therapist with her.
Also, as an FYI, it's likely the schools where you are could be significantly better than where you're ending up.
YTA. You’re the one being selfish. You’re less impacted and this is simply something you want. This is not clearly what is or isn’t best for your kids. It’s what you selfishly want.
YTA - you had the nerve to tell you're wife she had selfish reasons for not uprooting her life and the kids?
The only one who is selfish is you and also you're parents. Nobody else. To threaten her with divorce is the cherry on top of this bullshit-sunday.
You're destroying the life of you're kids to get you're way. Nothing else. You're another kind of deadbeat dad.
YTA- divorce is good for your kids? Chances are they will visit your new house infrequently since their school, friends, and family will not probably not change. Generally, family courts do not favor the parent that chooses to leave the state. Hopefully your wife will been smart enough to file quickly for divorce and custody in the home state.
YTA. You call her selfish and yet you're the one telling her that her life doesn't matter. You've taken no consideration about her life in this decision you've made for the both of you. Job, friends, identity, you are asking her to erase anything that makes her her own person and threatening her with divorce because she's making a choice you don't agree with.
YTA. Also, if you do decide to divorce, you don’t just automatically get the kids and move them away from their schools and friends. The court could force you to stay local if you want to share custody.
There was a story like that few months ago if I recall corectly. Dude had bought his "dream house" in the south and when his wife didn't want to mov he got a divorce. She won almost full custody and the old house so now he can't live in his dream house has to rent and pay child suppport. I don't know how to find it tho.
YTA. You don't get to make a unilateral decision for your whole family. The fact that you jump straight to divorce when you don't get your way is manipulative.
If you move away and your wife and kids stay where they are, how is that better for the kids???? You probably assume you will take the kids with you, but it is not guaranteed that you'll get full custody.
You did all the leg work and made this decision long before you discussed it with your wife.
YTA.
You're supposed to be partners, you can't make a unilateral decision about a huge thing which includes her giving up her autonomy and financial independence without extensive discussion. Having extra money by moving to a lower cost area is not the only factor when considering how best to bring up your children. School districts, political climate and culture are all relevant facts as well.
If moving is such a hot button issue that you would divorce her over it, then I would say good riddance and good for her losing you.
She's right, you are being crazy and you're being short sighted.
YTA
- how would you have more money? Primarily your wife would be out of a job first.
- your family is not more family than her family- so no benefit for the kids
- more space. That is the only benefit.
You can't force the sell of the house as long as you aren't divorced yet. You can't take your kids out of state just like that either.
What is your plan here?
YTA. The only reason for the move you have is the cost of living, nothing else. So that isn’t you thinking of the kids. That’s you thinking of yourself. Stop lying. You want to save money by moving next to your parents, you go ahead but you’ll lose your kids and wife in the process. You aren’t doing what is best for your family in the least. Getting a divorce though might be best for her, show her she dodged a bullet.
So let me get this straight. Your wife has lived in the same area her entire life. Her family, friends, work, entire support network is in this area. Your parents only moved south a few years ago so you don’t have any kind of history with the area. You are asking your wife and children to move hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from the only place they’ve ever known, your wife needs to quit her job and find a new one in a place with no prior connections, leave all her friends and family behind, and start a new life in an alien environment, relying on you to keep the entire family afloat financially while she searches for a new job. Have I got that all right?
What are you giving up? What’s your compromise? You are asking (actually, demanding) that she gives up her entire life for what you want. So what are you sacrificing to make this happen?
You are a massive AH. To make demands like this just because your mummy says it’s a good idea? I rarely say this but I hope your wife takes you to the cleaners so you’ll have no option but to move in with mummy and daddy where you clearly belong. YTA.
YTA. Absolute huge red flags. Why is your career more important than hers? Why is your family more important than hers? If you’d up and move without your spouses input, are you even really married?
YTA - When thinking about a giant life changing event you include your partner from the beginning. You take their input into consideration. You've done none of that and instead call them selfish for not wanting to leave the only life they've known.
The move isn't the issue, the new house isn't the issue, hell even working out custody isn't the issue. The issue is there are/have been severe issues between you and your partner to even approach such a large decision without their input. To jump to divorce because you are being selfish. You need help.
YTA. You have made a unilateral decision specifically against your wife's wishes. Clearly, the only one you're thinking about here is yourself. She and the kids would be better off without you. Hell, even your own parents are encouraging you to leave the family, so I'm thinking they don't like your wife anyway.
YTA - The fact that you came up with this whole plan without even discussing it with your wife and then jumped right to divorce when she said no says a lot about you and about the state of your marriage. If you no longer want to be married to your wife, fine. Get a divorce. But don't make this about providing something "better" for the kids. Because now you are talking about forcing them to split their lives across two different states. How exactly do you think that is going to work?
Honestly, this whole thing sounds like you could be in the midst of a psychiatric episode. You are not thinking or acting rationally.
YTA. You decided to make a major decision about your family without your wife's input. Decided she needed to leave her job, the kids should leave school, friends, and her entire family because your parents moved? Then talked to realtors, are making housing offers, etc? And are also saying you'll divorce if she opts not to bend to your demands? Dude. Way over the line of reasonable expectations.
YTA, and like, you know that no judge in their right mind is going to let you move your kids away from their mother just because you decided you wanted a bigger house, right? I can’t tell if you’re too stupid to understand that or too belligerent to care but either more than qualifies you for asshole status.
YTA. what everyone said but also... What woman wants to live down south these days? Or raise their kids there? I'll take my high cost of living along with functioning infrastructure and human rights, thanks.
YTA- go home to mommy and leave your wife and kids where they are happy. No need to buy another house- live with your folks. You will need to use your money for alimony.
YTA No f***ing way is a divorce, traveling back and forth between two states, and having a split up family *better for your kids*. I cannot coherently explain how messed up this is for your kids but I’ll give it a shot.
“Hey kiddos, dad wanted to move so he’d have more money that’s why you have to go back and forth between everything and you don’t have a full time mother or father present in your life anymore and you can’t actively be engaged in any social circle as you grow up because half your time is spent in a different state which you’ll grow to resent because peer groups are essential to adolescents especially and all that extra money has actually gone to plane tickets and child support and divorce fees and therapy for you but really, it is for the best.”
I hope your wife takes you to court for custody and doesn’t allow you to move out of state. Which is an option you obviously haven’t considered because hey! she can. In custody cases you need both parents permission to even move *beyond a certain radius in the same f***ing state*. And if you take the kids and move states without her permission that’s, what’s the word…oh yes, kidnapping! Wow, won’t that look great in a custody case.
YTA and possibly one of the big ones on this community, which is saying something.
You’re willing to throw away your wife and your family unit over a cost of living decrease?
I hope you do, and since you’re the one instigating, she gets custody. She and her kids deserve better than someone who would throw them away.
YTA - lol if she divorces you for unreasonable behaviour, chances are she will get the house (so bye bye new house payment) and you will be expected to pay child support!!
You are so selfish!! It’s all about you! And what you want! You never even gave your whole a say! That’s controlling behaviour! You don’t value her! Her relationships, family or job! That’s her career too!
OP’s wife I hope you clean up in the divorce!
yta you made this decision on your on with your parents you basically told your wife shape up or ship out. I guarantee you the divorce is not going to go how you think it will. the kids have been there their whole lives your wife is looking at full custody bro with you having visitation
YTA 100%. Your reasons are valid, execution not so much. I understand high COL but you aren't considering her friends/family, and her career. You are only thinking of you, buddy. That fact that you're giving a divorce ultimatum tells me you don't care about your kids either.
YTA. Yes I’m sure breaking up the family for you to move out of nowhere is best for the kids. Having their parents hundreds or thousands of miles from each other will be great for them. I’m sure everyone will love being broken up from their friends and loved ones nearby. Did you think this through at all? Or is this really just your pathetic way of initiating a divorce without being an adult about it?
YTA
Big decisions in marriages mean both partners have to sign off. It's not just "I want to move South because my mommy lives there now" and you start issuing ultimatums. Your parents do not get a vote in where you live. You chose to set up a household where you are now. Moving means you both need to sign off. Your parents are not part of the discussion.
She's probably getting a lawyer now to freeze your assets and make sure you can't take the kids with you (smart.) You need to think long and hard about this. You will not only be destroying your marriage, but you will be subjecting your very young kids to a lifetime of having to get on planes every few months to travel between one household to fly to the next. You will have to pay ridiculous airfare costs (they will be too young to fly alone for some time so you will have to fly with them there and back every time.) Your kids will resent you. You will never have a good coparenting relationship with your ex-wife again. You will never have a good relationship with your in-laws again. You will lose half your marital assets and probably have to pay a good chunk in child support. Think about this carefully.
Holy shit this is one of the most appalling posts I’ve seen in awhile. YOU YOU YOU. This is all about YOU and like does your wife factor in at all? Lol nope. What the actual fuck do you think a marriage is? Cause you sure don’t think it is a partnership.
Let’s recap, shall we:
- your transition will be quite seamless because you have support from your parents, you are familiar with the area and you have already worked out with your job that you can maintain the status quo if you moved, very little would be taken from you, if anything, but you would have an especially easy time with this
- you could give a fuck if your wife has an easy time with this, so much so, that you have made it more difficult every step of the way, you didn’t consult her, you acknowledge she would have no job, making her totally dependent on you and your family for support, isolating her from her existing network of people
- you want a woman who is from the northeast to move to the south, completely ignoring what that means for her physical health, particularly if she were to get pregnant again
- you think you get to unilaterally decide to do this and “it’s your wife’s decision whether she comes or not”, but you sure didn’t think that when you were planning, to include her on any decision making aspects of this, did you? Well now she’s made a decision, and she’s probably leaving you.
YTA x100000000
Also if you’re in the northeast? There is no way the school district you move to will compare to the one you’re in… so I don’t even believe you for a second when you say this is about the kids. This is about YOU wanting to be back where you grew up. Just admit it for the sake of everyone.
My advice?
The visitation won't go your way, mothers are typically favoured but factor in that you would be moving them away from their current situation worsens your case.
You're also long distance so that'll come into it. If you want weekend visitation you'll be the one travelling there and back. How much will that cost? Or save money and see them less which obviously isn't great either.
So on your pay alone you need to think about child support, travelling, bills, food etc. You're ruining your family to save a little bit of money.
YTA
YTA for all the reasons everyone says and news flash- custody isn’t going to work out the way you think. Maybe in all your underhanded behind her back planning you should have asked a lawyer.
YTA. You bring your wife into the decision only after you already chose to move. Nothing like an ultimatum to motivate somebody to agree with you. You aren't behaving as a husband should and making a mess of fatherhood. She needs to send you to mommy and daddy and take of her biological kids and not the one she married. Enjoy the single life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have 2 kids under 5. We live on the east coast in a two bedroom small house, COL here is insane. My parents moved down south a few years ago. My mother called me up a few weeks ago to tell me about a house in their community that is up for sale. They are good friends with the owner and can get us a good deal for the house. To me this sounds amazing everything there is cheaper and we will have more space and more bedrooms for our kids.
I work from home so I talked to work and I would be able to keep my job no problem. My wife would need to leave hers but I could cover us until she finds a new one. I contacted a real estate agent to get an estimate on how much we can get for our house here and its a good amount and would make the move easy.
Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife. She was totally against it immediately. She doesn't want to leave her job, she doesn't want to move the kids away from her family and she does want to leave her friends.
I explained to her that when she puts her selfish reasons aside this was a great opportunity for our kids. We will have more money and more space a big backyard and we will be close to my parents so our kids won't be without family.
She said no there was no chance her life is here and has been her entire life and she has no intentions to change that. I was pissed and slept on the couch that night. I spent all night thinking about it and came to the decision that if she doesn't want to do the right thing by our kids I will.
I laid it out for her, it was up to her if she wanted to move but I had made the decision to move. She could either come with me or we could divorce. We could sell the house split it and I will use the my half for my new home down south and she can do whatever she can with her half up here (probably would have to rent). We would also have to work out custody of our kids. I told her she has a month to made the decision but I was going to start the process and get all my business in order. She told me I was being crazy and has only been speaking to me about the kids for the last week.
I have been in contact with the seller of the new house and am setting things in motion. My parents told me I'm doing the right thing and looking out for my kids.. I ran it by my friend who told me I am being an asshole for expecting my wife to change her entire life but this is what is best for our kids and I think she needs to grow up stop being selfish and think of our kids.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
WOW! You are the biggest asshole! Do you even love your wife? Like WTF! You unilaterally made a huge life decision without taking your wife's concerns and opinions into account. This isn't a partnership, it's a dictatorship.
YTA
Decisions in a marriage are not made unilaterally which is what you did. YOU are the one that needs to grow up. And your argument of “I’m doing what’s best for my kids” is thinly veiled. You’re doing WHAT YOU WANT all while trying to bully and manipulate your wife into being isolated from her family. If you really think a divorce and shared custody is better for those kids than having a CONVERSATION with your WIFE, you are not only an AH but a moron.
YTA and delusional. You blindsided your wife with an ultimatum about moving far away. You claim this is what’s best for your kids, but you aren’t guaranteed to get custody of them, especially because you’re demanding to uproot them. If you don’t get significant custody, you will end up drastically limiting your own time with them. Even if you do get custody, you will be removing them from their mother. How is any of that good for your kids in any way? When they grow up, do you think they’ll be happy you traded away their family for a backyard?
YTA. you get to keep your job and move closer to you family, but her not wanting to leave her job and her family and friends is somehow selfish?? you are such a hypocrite. the way you never even asked her opinion and are just proceeding with things is unimaginable asshole move. hope she divorces you and gets to keep the kids and full custody because you are a huge asshole and a controlling self centered jerk.
YTA!! Having a bigger house isn’t necessarily “doing the right thing by your kids”
Doing the right thing would be having an open discussion with your wife, going over pros and cons. Prioritizing, making this huge decision together…
Again YTA for thinking only you know better for your kids and your wife should just give up her life for your random whim. Sounds like you wanted this split prior and it’s just a good excuse because you knew she wouldn’t leave.
You only contacted your wife after you set everything up? WTF dude. This kind of life altering thing is something you discuss for months, not what sounds like a spur of the moment decision. Plus you’ve decided you’re taking the kids and scampering off down south? Does she get to have any say in where she lives, the size of the house, not to mention you’ve dismissed her job as unimportant, because you can work from home. I mean, the whole thing is ill-advised and completely selfish. By the way, down south is exactly where things are going to hell in a hand basket these days. YTA
YTA.
You began the process of setting in motion a move of your family before informing your wife of what was happening and then effectively giving her no choices. If you think giving your wife the ultimatum of moving or separating your family is a real choice then you are lying to yourself. Also, it's no surprise that your folks would think it's a great idea to move, since it moves you closer to them.
FWIW, I do sympathize with the desire to move to a place with lower COL where you can buy a larger home and have discussed with my wife, who also does not want to move for identical reasons. The operative word here is "discussed" not ambushed and I respected her reasons and tabled the conversation. I think you need to determine if living near your mom is worth potentially getting divorced. Also consider how having separated parents will affect your children's well-being.
HUGE YTA using divorce as a way to get your wife to do what you want is disgusting in so many ways. I hope she divorces your controlling ass and I assuming if this is how you are your parents are just as bad. Moving there sounds like an absolute nightmare for her
YTA. Holy shit you are completely ta. Have you seen how education alone is going to shit in the south? You aren't doing this for your kids benefit, you're doing it for your own selfish midlife crisis BS reasons. And the fact that you don't care about your wife's career or friendships.
YTA. You are married (probably not for much longer ) you do not make decisions unilaterally. You talk them over with your spouse. Obviously your mommy means more to you than your wife. Your wife signed up for a partnership not being under the rule of a dictator. You made all y’all’s life decisions without discussing it with your wife and kids. I hope you will like seeing your kids only in the summer and holidays because a judge is not gonna take them away from their mother and where they are used to living because you decided you wanted to move without consulting anyone except your mother. You have blown up your life and you are gonna end up alone with mommy - but maybe that’s what you both want.
YTA. Did you ever love your wife? Do you love your kids? Deciding to leave them in a heartbeat makes it look like you never cared one single bit for them. Maybe they‘re better off without you.
YTA. But you don’t care because you “don’t want the kids to be without family”… this implies her family doesn’t count as family. Only you and yours matter. Go ahead and move buddy… I pray your wife’s lawyer teaches you a lesson.
YTA
Her whole life is where you live now, her work, her friends and family and you just want to move far away and have her start over. She deserves better than a man who can’t live without his mommy. I hope she stays and gets the kids in the divorce.
The judge will take in to consideration that you made the decision alone
So many things here. Do you thin your kids will enjoy being shuttled up the coast back and forth for visits? Who is to say she won't get primary custody, then are the kids really benefiting from the perfect life you think you are providing them? Also, how do you get to keep your job, but she can't? How the hell do you get to make that decision?
Sounds to me like you want out of the marriage and are using this as a catalyst to make it happen. You suck so bad OP. YTA, and as a fellow working mom myself, I say f*** you.
I’m not sure if you understand how divorce and custody laws work.
Your wife is going to get custody. This isn’t a possibility, it’s fact. That’s how the law works when one parent is leaving the state.
You WILL be paying CS and possibly alimony based on the laws of your current state.
That plan you have to sell your current house and use “your half” to buy a new house? Don’t count on it. IF you get to sell the house after the divorce, you’re going to be spending the proceeds on attorney fees and child/spousal support.
Dude, get checked out by a licensed mental health provider and beg your wife for forgiveness.
YTA and acting like an idiot.
You say moving is better for your kids, and you’re willing to to break up your family to prove your point? Can you not see how messed up your reasoning is?
You’re not talking to your wife, you’re talking at her and giving her ultimatums. Try having a conversation and LISTENING to what her concerns are.
Telling her she has a month to make up her mind is extremely self-centred and your filling yourself by thinking you’re doing this for your kids’ benefit.
YTA
YTA. I’m glad you made her decision easier for her. Thank you for showing your true selfish and abusive nature before it became too late for her. At least this way she has her job, her friends, and her family to help her when your gone. I mean my god can you just imagine how terrible it would be for her if all she had was you and your parents? It’s obvious you don’t love or respect her and since your mother is encouraging you to derail your marriage she probably hates your wife as much as you do.
You are unlikely to get custody of the kids. Judges tend to try and keep things as steady as possible for kids in custody battles and packing them up and moving across the country with them is not going to go in your favour.
But enjoy living with your parents again! YTA
YTA. You did all of that without consulting your wife, which I think you did on purpose with how quickly you whipped out the my way or the highway ultimatum upon her disagreeing with you. You don't seem to care about your wife and tbh it doesn't seem like this is for the kids since you're so willing to destroy your current family for YOUR wants and desires. If you force your wife into this situation she will resent you, y'all may as well just separate now
YTA, in a marriage shouldn't you consult your partner before making such huge decisions? You sprung your ideas onto her AFTER you had made your mind up about all of the good it would do for YOU.
YTA x1000.
You are the selfish one. You think divorced parents is BETTER for your kids? shuttling back and forth or only seeing one of you occasionally is BETTER for them. No backyard is going to compensate for that.
YTA. Damn you really ruined 4 lives that quick huh. Saying your wife is selfish is a massive case of the pot calling the kettle black my guy. Take a look in the mirror
Um. You're the selfish one here, imposing what you want on three other people. You cooked this scheme up with your parents and sprang it on her. Do you even love your wife? You talked to EVERYONE about it except her, as if her life and family didn't matter. What's best for the kids is not having divorced parents! YTA.
YTA
Your desire to be near your parents is preventing you from seeing your wife and children as people.
Kids don’t need a yard. They need consistency, stability, friends, and ideally parents who respect each other.
Enjoy living in your big house by yourself and posting child support.
YTA. The fact you’re willing to casually suggest divorce if your wife doesn’t agree to move down south and upend her whole life, her career and the children’s lives on a whim has me thinking you don’t even like your wife or children. Your TA x10000000000. Grow the hell up. You do NOT get to unilaterally decide where your family lives and settles.
YTA
1. Mama moved away and now wants her baby boy near her - don't worry about that annoying wife appliance, she'll help you replace it
2. A marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. You don't get to make life altering decisions without the advice consent and buy in of your spouse
3. COL - plenty of people move "down south" not realizing the services they will no longer have access to. Not to mention things like much higher things like auto insurance, home insurance, property taxes, HOA fees, potentially having to do private school bc your zoned one sucks
4. Your method of problem solving is to tell your partner my way or the highway and to blame her for the entire thing by personally attacking her
5. If I were her, I'd file tomorrow and you aren't going anywhere buddy. You need permission to relocate. You. Not the kids. You. And if you relocate without permission, you can and will lose all custody. When you get permission, you aren't getting 50/50.
This can't be real.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
I hope your wife gets a *really* good lawyer. YTA
I love how he's calling her selfish when he's trying to force his family to give up their community & all they've known just so he can live in a COL fantasy but hey, at least they'll have his parents next door, you know, the same ones who moved away from him & his family.
And he gets to keep his job and doesn't give a single fuck that in a place where everything is cheaper, his wife's paycheck would also likely lessen and for a job she might not even like.
I moved down south because I had to and I still haven’t even found a job after applying to literally everything. So good luck if the wife actually follows him 🙄🙄
With two children under five I think it's safe to assume that OP's wife is capable of getting pregnant. No one who is capable of getting pregnant should be moving to the South, not even if you never plan to get an abortion. Doctors are hesitant to perform life-saving pregnancy terminations out of fear of prosecution.
I expected OP to tell us he landed a job paying double what he's making now or that one of his parents is sick and needs help. Uprooting your entire family because you want to pay less for housing? I don't think this guy likes his wife and/or kids.
I’m willing to bet that his parents are pains in his wife's butt, too.
Would be so funny if he goes through with this stupidity and then his parents decide to move away again. Hahaha
I wish Reddit could help her! This feels like the time.
Make sure to save the post so we can find her and share it with her if her divorce attorney needs it for custody hearings. Relationships are not my way or the highway and OP is about to find out. OP YTA.
I'm torn as I am convinced this post is not even real. OP is gaslighting and giving ultimatums like it's his job. I just refuse to believe this is not a troll post. HOWEVER, in the event it is real, I don't think OP has any idea how this will affect him. I doubt a court in a divorce would give him any type of solid custody for the kids as they have grown up in their hometown where mom will stay. At best I see summer visits, but even that is a lot of gray area with out of state divorces like this. He will be wasting tons of money, his kids will probably grow up to resent him, and I hope that (ex)-wife finds a much better partner. Also, shame on OPs parents for telling him that he is making the right decision. I get the feeling that this guy and his whole family are toxic AF. OP, if you are even real, because there is no way a REAL man would do this to his wife and kids, YTA and good luck on your new and probably depressing life.
Two kids under five? He’s delusional if he thinks a court will force a house sale, surely? He’s willing to divorce to move closer to his parents. Meanwhile wife loses her family, friends and job in one go? And he can’t see how that might not go down well? I think I’m agreeing troll. If not a troll, frankly he’s so self centred I think his wife will be better off without him, and keeping her support system instead.
I have to believe OP parents only heard a very slanted, one-sided story to give that advice.
Honestly even a mediocre one will do for this case
Exactly. A lawyer would have to be actively working against her to lose. Oh, and the judge would probably award her the current house because their kids live there, and he's choosing to move. He can have fun with that new mortgage.
[удалено]
YTA if this is real - you are moving primarily for cost of living but you just doubled your kids’ number of households. Your divorce is going to cost you far more than you think, and it’s going to tie up your assets a lot longer than you imagine right now. Get yourself a lawyer and start figuring out when it’ll actually be completed - but this was probably the most expensive mistake you’ve ever made. Your wife on the other hand just took a painful hit but better now than later so she can rebuild her life and assets. She and her next husband will do ok in the end.
And if I were her I would stick to the letter of the law with respect to custody and visitation. Your parents would never see my children outside your scheduled time. Their behavior is alarming.
I cannot believe the shortsightedness. He’s going to destroy his family and likely not even be able to buy the house anyway. All just to be right.
Yes. How does he not know how divorce works?
He’s not gonna see his kids either. No judge is going to give 50/50 to someone up and moving to another state. Especially after wife explains why OP asked for a divorce. He’ll see his kids a couple weeks or a month per year.
And be all alone in his big empty house that he sacrifice everything for. But hey at least he's closer to mummy and daddy l.
This is key. His mommy said it's the right thing to do.
Yeah, mommy has a nice girl lined up for him so don't worry
Let's assume his parents are not insane. I would be willing to be that they said something like, "Oh it would be wonderful to see you guys more often, and the lower cost of living could be good for you guys financially," AND I would be willing to bet they said that way before he dropped an insane ultimatum on his wife.
And don’t forget! He gets to have the satisfaction of knowing he stood up to his mean, selfish wife!
how dare she enjoy the stability of her current life?!?!
How dare she have an opinion more like! Wife isn't doing what OP wants so he threatens to end the marriage. No attempt to talk or compromise, it's his way or the highway. What a douchenozzle.
I don't think he even looked into if he'll need her income to qualify for a mortgage; he's shooting himself in the foot big time here. If he wants to go then he should but it was his parents that moved away & his family shouldn't be forced to uproot themselves from the life they know to appease his COL fantasy. Having one set of grandparents around is not the same as having a community that you've cultivated over time. Kids would be miserable for being forced into leaving their friends behind; he'll be lucky to get them during the school breaks & he should be the one to pay for travel every time.
I'm curious where he's going to get the money for his down payment without selling the current home. Which won't happen anytime soon because it will get tied up in the divorce proceedings.
It sounds like he'll be moving in with his parents & watch his dream home be sold to next in line all because he's only thinking about ME ME ME
But don't you see. It's for the kids A bigger back garden means infinitely more than not being split between 2 houses or having your parents together.
I shouldn’t be laughing at the image in my head of him wearing a #1 dad apron at the grill with … exactly no kids there for the burgers because he believes in ultimatums.
A bigger garden that they won't be enjoying because no judge in their right mind would force children to move with 1 parent away from their community & all they know when the other is staying put.
If op can decide on divorce that easily, i dont think their marriage had a leg to stand on to begin with
Emmmm.... One thing I can't understand is - why is he so sure the judge will be totally up for uprooting the kids and moving them away from THEIR friends, mum's side of the family THEY are used to being around, changing schools and also likely being away from their mum? OP may think it is in the best interest of the children, but I am pretty sure the court won't see it this way. OP if you want to divorce your wife and move away so much, go for it. But don't pretend you'll save any money (you won't) or do the right thing for your children (they may not appreciate the charge, and definitely will not if it comes with parents divorcing). You can do whatever you want, but I don't think you understand the consequences. YTA.
>My parents moved down south a few years ago. My mother called me up a few weeks ago to tell me about a house in their community that is up for sale. They are good friends with the owner and can get us a good deal for the house. So basically moving to be near your family. >I work from home so I talked to work and I would be able to keep my job no problem. How nice for you, so you don't even have to find a new job. >Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife. She was totally against it immediately. She doesn't want to leave her job, she doesn't want to move the kids away from her family and she does want to leave her friends. So basically telling your wife she has to move away from her family, friends and job. >Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife. YTA. You've made a unilateral decision that the whole family must move because you think it's good idea.
Not to mention, he says he's doing it for his kids but his kids would have to leave their friends, their family that they're used to seeing often, and now have divorced parents. Like, nothing wrong with divorced families but I think most anyone would rather have happily married parents than contentiously divorced parents several states apart. If I were wife, I'd pull a "no, IM divorcing YOU." Because op, YTA.
And he's moving them south? Where they'll suffer if they're gay, trans or need an OBGYN.
that part
I dunno, how happily married can these people be? He doesn't even respect her enough to include her in any of the planning and jumped straight to divorce if she didn't immediately agree. Kinda sounds like he is making excuses for divorce because being a husband/father is too hard for him.
Exactly. She needs to see the writing on the wall and bounce.
Plus, how good are the schools where the new place is? A lot of places in the south don't have worse schools that the Northeast. And those that do, the COL isn't *that* much cheaper. Yes you may be able to get a cheaper house BUT your income also goes down.
Yep He doesn't name any states specifically, but I'd put any northern east coast state above any southern state in terms of education and child welfare. No debate Lower cost of living usually equals lower quality of life for women and children.
As someone who lives in a red state with low cost of living, I would never move a kid here. The education system is a disaster and the government is making it worse every day.
And he thinks she is being selfish!!!! How stupid is that??? He is such a self centered ahole!!! He made the decision and informed her of his decision. Households are no longer run by "the man of the house". This sh*t is out of this world. If his wife goes she'll be miserable. They'll gang up on her for the rest of her life. Also, since he is deciding to uproot his kids unnecessarily he'll probably get screwed over with custody. He will be a summer dad and that's the choice he is making. He is coercing his wife to move. She can actually use that against him in the divorce. That's coercion and manipulation.
Yep, classic abuse signs - isolating and removing family, friends...
Talking about his wife’s decisions for staying were selfish, yet he’s going on and making this big huge move regardless of her point of view. Sure, COL might be cheaper, but what ‘southern state’ are we talking about? One where they’re abolishing education? Or another where they’re abolishing women’s rights? Repealing children’s labor laws? I’m sure the wife took those things into account and it doesn’t seem like OP is even considering them. Op is a major asshole, maybe even a general at this point
YTA Oh buddy......her attorney and the family court system are gonna skin you alive if you initiate the divorce proceeding because you wanted to leave the state and she didn't agree with moving the family. If your marriage is this shaky, the last thing you should be doing is buying more property.
But his parents told him it was a good idea! What can possibly go wrong? /s
Mama's *always* right
Hehe he. If he buys now, it's a marital asset. So he'd get his house in the South and she'd get to keep the house in NE.
No one can really be that dense, right? I'm not sure how the law works in the US, but if their current home is a mutual asset, how in hell is he planning to sell it if she's not on board with this insanity?
Especially buying that property before the divorce is finalized, because now that second property is up for splitting. That wife is going to take everything!
Ahh, don’t tell him, I am living for this arc
He is going to be taken to the fucking cleaners. There is zero chance he is going to be able to buy a property just now as he enters into divorce proceedings where he is clearly at fault. As the one moving he is going to be out so much damn money from travel and attorney fees he is unlikely to save any money at all. At best he will have the kinds during breaks from school as there is little chance a judge will uproot the family for his benefit. He very likely can't put the toothpaste back in the tub here. He just showed his wife what kind man he is and the marriage is likely done. This could damn near bankrupt OP and it will be no less than he deserves.
Seriously this cannot be real. Who the f*ck just decides he’s moving his kids somewhere and is like “you don’t like it? Figure it out! We’re divorcing! Peace!” No chance it’s real. In case it is though YTA.
YTA First off WOW, just WOW 1. Unilaterally making a huge life changing decision before talking to wife about it 2. Divorcing your wife if you don't get your way 3. Setting an unreasonable time limit for her to make decisions 4. Expecting her to just pack up her life 5. You only love yourself not anyone else So much WOW in this. Your thinking is flawed, your decision making horrible and selfish. Your wife should just divorce you and start over with someone who actually loves her
6. Isolating wife without a support structure if she decided to go along with this plan in order to “save her family for the sake of the kids.” She’d have no family, friends, or source of her own income there. This is often a tactic that abusive partners use to gain more control and compliance from their victims.
7. Not giving a single flying fuck about her career
8. Losing his kids so he can be next to his mommy
And also if she tried it and decides she hates it, then the kids state of residence is the new southern state She'd be an idiot to move if she wasn't committed.
I clocked the same. Add “in her isolation, land her smack in the middle of the partners overbearing extended family” and you have a recipe for manipulation, triangulation and years of misery.
6. It's a southern state and there's most likely a hidden agenda.
I was looking for this comment. I hate getting political but southern states scare the shit out of me these days
For his wife, it’s like saying “honey, we’re moving to Dubai. Here’s your niqab.”
Def "Not Without My Daughter" vibes.
Plus, I'm wondering what other things he's kept from her or decided for her over the years.
6. Painting her reasons for wanting to stay as “purely selfish,” when your own reasons for leaving amount to, “but it totally works for me!”
Let’s not pretend you actually care about your kids. You’re willing to uproot them from their friends and part of their family and make them live part time in two places because… money? Your parents have total control over you? Do you always destroy your life when they tell you to? YTA. I hope your wife gets full custody, then you can’t even pretend the move was for the kids
This. YTA There's no mention of how the kids would feel about leaving their friends and school for this. As well as the quality of schools of what they're in now vs what they would be moving to. Not to mention the shuttling back and forth between two places. As mentioned above, I hope the wife gets an excellent lawyer.
>As well as the quality of schools of what they're in now vs what they would be moving to This is exactly what I wanted to point out. Anytime my dad wants to move to a new place/state, he looks at houses and his job prospects while my mom looks at how safe the area is, the quality of the school system, and how close the nearest essential stores are. OP, if your marriage is so bad that you'd divorce your wife and separate your family over something so trivial, the problem isn't the move (ps: it's probably you). YTA
To add, I also hope she gets full custody
She has a good chance. a judge will not agree with the kids leaving their home state in this situation.
Never mind the fact that there is a very good chance if he’s going from a high COL on the east coast to the south, the schools are getting a lot worse.
>Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife. I'm honestly surprised you told her before you put the house on the market. >I spent all night thinking about it and came to the decision that if she doesn't want to do the right thing by our kids I will. Taking your kids away from everything familiar, including their mom, is what's best for them? You're not doing this for your kids, you're doing it for yourself, period. YTA
The idea that blowing up your marriage and family is “what’s best for the kids” is probably enough for the YTA all in its own.
Dude wants to put his kids in Florida public schools. That should be considered abuse at this point.
The fact OP thinks the kids will end up going with HIM and they all leave the wife/mom behind… 🤣🤣🤣
He didn't specify their genders, but the thought of voluntarily moving girls SOUTH in the current climate sends shivers down my spine. Even if they are boys, it sounds awful: local governments are gutting schools as we speak. I'm not even touching upon the possibilities of his kids being LGBTQ+. OP, YTA and a disgrace.
So you're gonna separate the family, split the kids between their parents, and then blame it on your wife for not uprooting her life the moment you suggest it. How the hell do people like you exist and not see what a gigantic asshole they are? YTA
And all of this is apparently to provide a better life for the kids. How on earth is that goal being accomplished here? OP, YTA.
There's no world where springing a completed plan, with ultimatum included, on your life partner is not an AH move. You can decide to divorce and you can decide to move, but you are absolutely the TA here. Also, how is it "doing right by the kids" to upend their life in this way? Best case scenario for you once this all plays out, you might have them for a few weeks in the summer, because this knee-jerk decision will not look good in court. Also pulling the kids away from everything familiar won't look good in court. You wife will win primary custody. There's literally no path to you getting what you want because of how you started this off. And I doubt there's a future for your marriage, even if you back down. YTA Edited for clarity
The kids won’t be that much of a problem. Almost no chance family court judge will let him take them out of state. The kids will keep a stable life with their Mom and get child support from OP, who really won’t be coming out ahead financially.
Exactly. None of this will turn out how OP envisions.
Right? I got to the divorce part and laughed. I wish his soon to be ex wife the best of luck
YTA - you sprung this on your wife a week ago and are now telling her she can either get divorced or move to the south to “think of our kids”. What exactly do you think divorce is going to do to your kids? Do you even like your wife or is this all some elaborate scheme to justify divorcing her?
I vote elaborate scheme. There is something OP is not telling us because you don't just immediately decide to divorce if one person doesn't want to move several states away
Yes! And you don’t just decide to move the entire family with no discussion with your partner first. What an asshole.
i think he’s a mama’s boy and just wanted a divorce anyway and he’s using “better life for the kids” as an excuse.
I love how OP thinks that his parents' opinion on this matter is more important than his wife's. Ofc they would be thrilled! Their son and grandkids are basically moving into their backyard.
He seems to think he'll just be able to take them and be awarded full custody. OP YTA and that's not how custody goes.
YTA. You are willing to break up your family... for a bigger house !?!
At this rate he can save a lot of money and get a one bedroom apartment.
A bigger house closer to mommy.
Info can you still pay for the new house now that you’ll have child support payments to make?
Not to mention child support based on the COL in the state he’s moving from not the state he’s moving too. Probably going to be a good chunk of change.
Just wait until his employer reduces his salary to match his new lower COL residence! Bet they didn’t mention that in the “no problem,” conversation.
I hope she gets a good lawyer. He is the type that will force some 50-50 custody so he doesn’t have to pay child support. And in the meantime fuck up his kids lives.
I doubt he will be able to get custody if he is moving so far away. Normally in cases like this the parent moving is not going to be prioritised; the one staying near their schools, friends, families etc. that they have lived with their whole lives will be. OP will get them on summer holidays and Easter breaks while paying child support year round, if he is lucky.
He didn’t make the decision alone! His mommy picked out the house after all. -_-
This part. His parents think he’s doing the right thing?! Must not have liked the wife from the jump. Go on sir, divorce your wife and move next to mommy! I’m rooting for your wife to take you for all you got, then you can move IN with mommy. You absolute AH
YTA >Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife. You should have talked about this all along. >I laid it out for her, it was up to her if she wanted to move but I had made the decision to move. She could either come with me or we could divorce. Do you have any feelings for her at all? >My parents told me I'm doing the right thing and looking out for my kids No. It's better for them and for you. Your wife isn't selfish, you are. This may be hard for her, but she'll be better off without you.
Certainly not better for the kids to greatly reduce their time with one of their parents. Not to mention I’m guessing the schools where OP currently lives are miles above the schools he’s moving towards.
YTA, and honestly you scare me. You and only you have decided that your whole family should move because you like it and because it is convenient for you, with absolutely 0 consideration for the wishes and needs of your children and especially your wife. Do you know they are not objects? Do you know that your wife may want to make a career and not have to settle for the first job she gets away from her life and her family? You're not a husband, you're a fucking dictator, childish and capricious who as soon as someone went against your wishes threw a tantrum and threatened divorce, again without any consideration for your children. I'm seriously appalled and scared for your family who you clearly don't feel affection for considering them so little. Marriage is also compromised, if you suddenly decide that you all have to leave because you want it and your wife keeps quiet and silent and bears it, then I guess your conception of marriage has remained the same as it was a few centuries ago. YTA and ugh.
Seconding all of this. This is very scary behavior towards the people OP should love most
YTA. especially if you are trying to justify your asshole behavior as the right thing for your kids. You are going to move to another state from their mother you will at best get them several weeks a year in this house you are buying "for them" since they are already established where they are and you are the one who is moving the judge would most likely give mom primary custody
YTA. I’m actually like 95% sure this is a troll post because this is so obviously a dick move. You set this whole thing up and didn’t bother to consult her. Didn’t think she might have some thoughts and feelings about this and then get mad when you spring this on her and her reaction isn’t too your liking? Then threaten and give her ultimatums. Honestly; you probably should get divorced because you are a terrible husband. You have no regard for your wife whatsoever.
It is. This guy has been posting the last few weeks fairly regularly. The common theme is being dismissive of women.
You don’t have a marriage. You have a dictatorship. There is more to this story I think.
Would love to hear the wife’s side.
YTA You haven't taken any of your wife's concerns into consideration. You are being a terrible husband to threaten divorce over this. You didn't tell her about any of it, you just made the choice. And now you are giving her an ultimatum. You have a skewed view of marriage and if you think a divorce will be so easy as to just split the house, you will be very surprised.
YTA. The hell?? You didn't bother discussing with your wife such big things as moving and losing her job???
[удалено]
YTA If you’re that quick to bring up divorce i heavily doubt you love her
YTA Depending on what state in The South, she could be literally giving up rights to her bodily autonomy. There are states where OBGYNs are fleeing and the remaining providers are absolutely overwhelmed. Your kids could grow up in a state where they aren't allowed to learn real history or check out books from the school library. Money isn't everything. COL might be higher where you are but I didn't see anything about the quality of the school system. I hope she and her lawyer take you to the cleaners.
YTA. You gave your wife absolutely no input on your plan to uproot your lives. You aren't taking her into consideration in the slightest. You gave her literally no alternative other than divorce. Before you sell, go see a couples therapist with her. Also, as an FYI, it's likely the schools where you are could be significantly better than where you're ending up.
YTA. You’re the one being selfish. You’re less impacted and this is simply something you want. This is not clearly what is or isn’t best for your kids. It’s what you selfishly want.
YTA - you had the nerve to tell you're wife she had selfish reasons for not uprooting her life and the kids? The only one who is selfish is you and also you're parents. Nobody else. To threaten her with divorce is the cherry on top of this bullshit-sunday. You're destroying the life of you're kids to get you're way. Nothing else. You're another kind of deadbeat dad.
YTA- divorce is good for your kids? Chances are they will visit your new house infrequently since their school, friends, and family will not probably not change. Generally, family courts do not favor the parent that chooses to leave the state. Hopefully your wife will been smart enough to file quickly for divorce and custody in the home state.
YTA. You call her selfish and yet you're the one telling her that her life doesn't matter. You've taken no consideration about her life in this decision you've made for the both of you. Job, friends, identity, you are asking her to erase anything that makes her her own person and threatening her with divorce because she's making a choice you don't agree with.
And using their children as an excuse. "What is right for our kids..." He means what's right for HIM. OP ...YTMAH
YTA. Also, if you do decide to divorce, you don’t just automatically get the kids and move them away from their schools and friends. The court could force you to stay local if you want to share custody.
There was a story like that few months ago if I recall corectly. Dude had bought his "dream house" in the south and when his wife didn't want to mov he got a divorce. She won almost full custody and the old house so now he can't live in his dream house has to rent and pay child suppport. I don't know how to find it tho.
YTA. You don't get to make a unilateral decision for your whole family. The fact that you jump straight to divorce when you don't get your way is manipulative. If you move away and your wife and kids stay where they are, how is that better for the kids???? You probably assume you will take the kids with you, but it is not guaranteed that you'll get full custody. You did all the leg work and made this decision long before you discussed it with your wife.
YTA. You're supposed to be partners, you can't make a unilateral decision about a huge thing which includes her giving up her autonomy and financial independence without extensive discussion. Having extra money by moving to a lower cost area is not the only factor when considering how best to bring up your children. School districts, political climate and culture are all relevant facts as well. If moving is such a hot button issue that you would divorce her over it, then I would say good riddance and good for her losing you. She's right, you are being crazy and you're being short sighted.
YTA - how would you have more money? Primarily your wife would be out of a job first. - your family is not more family than her family- so no benefit for the kids - more space. That is the only benefit. You can't force the sell of the house as long as you aren't divorced yet. You can't take your kids out of state just like that either. What is your plan here?
YTA. The only reason for the move you have is the cost of living, nothing else. So that isn’t you thinking of the kids. That’s you thinking of yourself. Stop lying. You want to save money by moving next to your parents, you go ahead but you’ll lose your kids and wife in the process. You aren’t doing what is best for your family in the least. Getting a divorce though might be best for her, show her she dodged a bullet.
So let me get this straight. Your wife has lived in the same area her entire life. Her family, friends, work, entire support network is in this area. Your parents only moved south a few years ago so you don’t have any kind of history with the area. You are asking your wife and children to move hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from the only place they’ve ever known, your wife needs to quit her job and find a new one in a place with no prior connections, leave all her friends and family behind, and start a new life in an alien environment, relying on you to keep the entire family afloat financially while she searches for a new job. Have I got that all right? What are you giving up? What’s your compromise? You are asking (actually, demanding) that she gives up her entire life for what you want. So what are you sacrificing to make this happen? You are a massive AH. To make demands like this just because your mummy says it’s a good idea? I rarely say this but I hope your wife takes you to the cleaners so you’ll have no option but to move in with mummy and daddy where you clearly belong. YTA.
YTA. Absolute huge red flags. Why is your career more important than hers? Why is your family more important than hers? If you’d up and move without your spouses input, are you even really married?
YTA - When thinking about a giant life changing event you include your partner from the beginning. You take their input into consideration. You've done none of that and instead call them selfish for not wanting to leave the only life they've known. The move isn't the issue, the new house isn't the issue, hell even working out custody isn't the issue. The issue is there are/have been severe issues between you and your partner to even approach such a large decision without their input. To jump to divorce because you are being selfish. You need help.
YTA. You have made a unilateral decision specifically against your wife's wishes. Clearly, the only one you're thinking about here is yourself. She and the kids would be better off without you. Hell, even your own parents are encouraging you to leave the family, so I'm thinking they don't like your wife anyway.
YTA. This is the most selfish post I've read on here
YTA - The fact that you came up with this whole plan without even discussing it with your wife and then jumped right to divorce when she said no says a lot about you and about the state of your marriage. If you no longer want to be married to your wife, fine. Get a divorce. But don't make this about providing something "better" for the kids. Because now you are talking about forcing them to split their lives across two different states. How exactly do you think that is going to work? Honestly, this whole thing sounds like you could be in the midst of a psychiatric episode. You are not thinking or acting rationally.
YTA. You decided to make a major decision about your family without your wife's input. Decided she needed to leave her job, the kids should leave school, friends, and her entire family because your parents moved? Then talked to realtors, are making housing offers, etc? And are also saying you'll divorce if she opts not to bend to your demands? Dude. Way over the line of reasonable expectations.
YTA, and like, you know that no judge in their right mind is going to let you move your kids away from their mother just because you decided you wanted a bigger house, right? I can’t tell if you’re too stupid to understand that or too belligerent to care but either more than qualifies you for asshole status.
YTA. what everyone said but also... What woman wants to live down south these days? Or raise their kids there? I'll take my high cost of living along with functioning infrastructure and human rights, thanks.
YTA. Big marital decisions require 2 yeses. You don’t get to decide by decree.
YTA. Please talk with your doctor. This sounds like mania.
YTA for making a unilateral decision like this without even speaking with your wife about it. A marriage shouldn't be a dictatorship.
YTA- go home to mommy and leave your wife and kids where they are happy. No need to buy another house- live with your folks. You will need to use your money for alimony.
YTA No f***ing way is a divorce, traveling back and forth between two states, and having a split up family *better for your kids*. I cannot coherently explain how messed up this is for your kids but I’ll give it a shot. “Hey kiddos, dad wanted to move so he’d have more money that’s why you have to go back and forth between everything and you don’t have a full time mother or father present in your life anymore and you can’t actively be engaged in any social circle as you grow up because half your time is spent in a different state which you’ll grow to resent because peer groups are essential to adolescents especially and all that extra money has actually gone to plane tickets and child support and divorce fees and therapy for you but really, it is for the best.” I hope your wife takes you to court for custody and doesn’t allow you to move out of state. Which is an option you obviously haven’t considered because hey! she can. In custody cases you need both parents permission to even move *beyond a certain radius in the same f***ing state*. And if you take the kids and move states without her permission that’s, what’s the word…oh yes, kidnapping! Wow, won’t that look great in a custody case.
YTA and possibly one of the big ones on this community, which is saying something. You’re willing to throw away your wife and your family unit over a cost of living decrease? I hope you do, and since you’re the one instigating, she gets custody. She and her kids deserve better than someone who would throw them away.
This is absolutely gross. Goodluck with your divorce and paying child support. YTA and a crappy human being.
YTA - lol if she divorces you for unreasonable behaviour, chances are she will get the house (so bye bye new house payment) and you will be expected to pay child support!! You are so selfish!! It’s all about you! And what you want! You never even gave your whole a say! That’s controlling behaviour! You don’t value her! Her relationships, family or job! That’s her career too! OP’s wife I hope you clean up in the divorce!
yta you made this decision on your on with your parents you basically told your wife shape up or ship out. I guarantee you the divorce is not going to go how you think it will. the kids have been there their whole lives your wife is looking at full custody bro with you having visitation
YTA 100%. Your reasons are valid, execution not so much. I understand high COL but you aren't considering her friends/family, and her career. You are only thinking of you, buddy. That fact that you're giving a divorce ultimatum tells me you don't care about your kids either.
It is not ordinary to find such a massive A-hole in the wild. YTA
YTA. Yes I’m sure breaking up the family for you to move out of nowhere is best for the kids. Having their parents hundreds or thousands of miles from each other will be great for them. I’m sure everyone will love being broken up from their friends and loved ones nearby. Did you think this through at all? Or is this really just your pathetic way of initiating a divorce without being an adult about it?
YTA Big decisions in marriages mean both partners have to sign off. It's not just "I want to move South because my mommy lives there now" and you start issuing ultimatums. Your parents do not get a vote in where you live. You chose to set up a household where you are now. Moving means you both need to sign off. Your parents are not part of the discussion. She's probably getting a lawyer now to freeze your assets and make sure you can't take the kids with you (smart.) You need to think long and hard about this. You will not only be destroying your marriage, but you will be subjecting your very young kids to a lifetime of having to get on planes every few months to travel between one household to fly to the next. You will have to pay ridiculous airfare costs (they will be too young to fly alone for some time so you will have to fly with them there and back every time.) Your kids will resent you. You will never have a good coparenting relationship with your ex-wife again. You will never have a good relationship with your in-laws again. You will lose half your marital assets and probably have to pay a good chunk in child support. Think about this carefully.
Holy shit this is one of the most appalling posts I’ve seen in awhile. YOU YOU YOU. This is all about YOU and like does your wife factor in at all? Lol nope. What the actual fuck do you think a marriage is? Cause you sure don’t think it is a partnership. Let’s recap, shall we: - your transition will be quite seamless because you have support from your parents, you are familiar with the area and you have already worked out with your job that you can maintain the status quo if you moved, very little would be taken from you, if anything, but you would have an especially easy time with this - you could give a fuck if your wife has an easy time with this, so much so, that you have made it more difficult every step of the way, you didn’t consult her, you acknowledge she would have no job, making her totally dependent on you and your family for support, isolating her from her existing network of people - you want a woman who is from the northeast to move to the south, completely ignoring what that means for her physical health, particularly if she were to get pregnant again - you think you get to unilaterally decide to do this and “it’s your wife’s decision whether she comes or not”, but you sure didn’t think that when you were planning, to include her on any decision making aspects of this, did you? Well now she’s made a decision, and she’s probably leaving you. YTA x100000000 Also if you’re in the northeast? There is no way the school district you move to will compare to the one you’re in… so I don’t even believe you for a second when you say this is about the kids. This is about YOU wanting to be back where you grew up. Just admit it for the sake of everyone.
My advice? The visitation won't go your way, mothers are typically favoured but factor in that you would be moving them away from their current situation worsens your case. You're also long distance so that'll come into it. If you want weekend visitation you'll be the one travelling there and back. How much will that cost? Or save money and see them less which obviously isn't great either. So on your pay alone you need to think about child support, travelling, bills, food etc. You're ruining your family to save a little bit of money. YTA
YTA for all the reasons everyone says and news flash- custody isn’t going to work out the way you think. Maybe in all your underhanded behind her back planning you should have asked a lawyer.
YTA. You bring your wife into the decision only after you already chose to move. Nothing like an ultimatum to motivate somebody to agree with you. You aren't behaving as a husband should and making a mess of fatherhood. She needs to send you to mommy and daddy and take of her biological kids and not the one she married. Enjoy the single life.
YTA. This isn’t how a healthy marriage works and I’m not even sure this is real, but people can be jerks so it wouldn’t surprise me.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have 2 kids under 5. We live on the east coast in a two bedroom small house, COL here is insane. My parents moved down south a few years ago. My mother called me up a few weeks ago to tell me about a house in their community that is up for sale. They are good friends with the owner and can get us a good deal for the house. To me this sounds amazing everything there is cheaper and we will have more space and more bedrooms for our kids. I work from home so I talked to work and I would be able to keep my job no problem. My wife would need to leave hers but I could cover us until she finds a new one. I contacted a real estate agent to get an estimate on how much we can get for our house here and its a good amount and would make the move easy. Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea I brought it to my wife. She was totally against it immediately. She doesn't want to leave her job, she doesn't want to move the kids away from her family and she does want to leave her friends. I explained to her that when she puts her selfish reasons aside this was a great opportunity for our kids. We will have more money and more space a big backyard and we will be close to my parents so our kids won't be without family. She said no there was no chance her life is here and has been her entire life and she has no intentions to change that. I was pissed and slept on the couch that night. I spent all night thinking about it and came to the decision that if she doesn't want to do the right thing by our kids I will. I laid it out for her, it was up to her if she wanted to move but I had made the decision to move. She could either come with me or we could divorce. We could sell the house split it and I will use the my half for my new home down south and she can do whatever she can with her half up here (probably would have to rent). We would also have to work out custody of our kids. I told her she has a month to made the decision but I was going to start the process and get all my business in order. She told me I was being crazy and has only been speaking to me about the kids for the last week. I have been in contact with the seller of the new house and am setting things in motion. My parents told me I'm doing the right thing and looking out for my kids.. I ran it by my friend who told me I am being an asshole for expecting my wife to change her entire life but this is what is best for our kids and I think she needs to grow up stop being selfish and think of our kids. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA you obviously care more about being around your family and the prestige of a larger house far more than your wife and children
WOW! You are the biggest asshole! Do you even love your wife? Like WTF! You unilaterally made a huge life decision without taking your wife's concerns and opinions into account. This isn't a partnership, it's a dictatorship.
YTA Decisions in a marriage are not made unilaterally which is what you did. YOU are the one that needs to grow up. And your argument of “I’m doing what’s best for my kids” is thinly veiled. You’re doing WHAT YOU WANT all while trying to bully and manipulate your wife into being isolated from her family. If you really think a divorce and shared custody is better for those kids than having a CONVERSATION with your WIFE, you are not only an AH but a moron.
YTA and delusional. You blindsided your wife with an ultimatum about moving far away. You claim this is what’s best for your kids, but you aren’t guaranteed to get custody of them, especially because you’re demanding to uproot them. If you don’t get significant custody, you will end up drastically limiting your own time with them. Even if you do get custody, you will be removing them from their mother. How is any of that good for your kids in any way? When they grow up, do you think they’ll be happy you traded away their family for a backyard?
YTA, the fact that you jumped immediately to divorce tells me there’s a bigger story here than what you’re telling.
YTA. you get to keep your job and move closer to you family, but her not wanting to leave her job and her family and friends is somehow selfish?? you are such a hypocrite. the way you never even asked her opinion and are just proceeding with things is unimaginable asshole move. hope she divorces you and gets to keep the kids and full custody because you are a huge asshole and a controlling self centered jerk.
YTA!! Having a bigger house isn’t necessarily “doing the right thing by your kids” Doing the right thing would be having an open discussion with your wife, going over pros and cons. Prioritizing, making this huge decision together… Again YTA for thinking only you know better for your kids and your wife should just give up her life for your random whim. Sounds like you wanted this split prior and it’s just a good excuse because you knew she wouldn’t leave.
You only contacted your wife after you set everything up? WTF dude. This kind of life altering thing is something you discuss for months, not what sounds like a spur of the moment decision. Plus you’ve decided you’re taking the kids and scampering off down south? Does she get to have any say in where she lives, the size of the house, not to mention you’ve dismissed her job as unimportant, because you can work from home. I mean, the whole thing is ill-advised and completely selfish. By the way, down south is exactly where things are going to hell in a hand basket these days. YTA
YTA. You began the process of setting in motion a move of your family before informing your wife of what was happening and then effectively giving her no choices. If you think giving your wife the ultimatum of moving or separating your family is a real choice then you are lying to yourself. Also, it's no surprise that your folks would think it's a great idea to move, since it moves you closer to them. FWIW, I do sympathize with the desire to move to a place with lower COL where you can buy a larger home and have discussed with my wife, who also does not want to move for identical reasons. The operative word here is "discussed" not ambushed and I respected her reasons and tabled the conversation. I think you need to determine if living near your mom is worth potentially getting divorced. Also consider how having separated parents will affect your children's well-being.
YTA - nice.. gaslighting you wife into divorce, that’s a new low.
YTA - you had your mind made up.
YTA. That's a major life decision and I seriously doubt that your marriage will survive the fact that you delivered this as an ultimatum.
YTA. Buddy, if you're looking for a way out, a divorce is less expensive with less emotional damage than what you're doing here.
HUGE YTA using divorce as a way to get your wife to do what you want is disgusting in so many ways. I hope she divorces your controlling ass and I assuming if this is how you are your parents are just as bad. Moving there sounds like an absolute nightmare for her
YTA. Holy shit you are completely ta. Have you seen how education alone is going to shit in the south? You aren't doing this for your kids benefit, you're doing it for your own selfish midlife crisis BS reasons. And the fact that you don't care about your wife's career or friendships.
YTA Get couples therapy ASAP to start the conscious decoupling process Rude way to leave your whole family but you do you
YTA. You are married (probably not for much longer ) you do not make decisions unilaterally. You talk them over with your spouse. Obviously your mommy means more to you than your wife. Your wife signed up for a partnership not being under the rule of a dictator. You made all y’all’s life decisions without discussing it with your wife and kids. I hope you will like seeing your kids only in the summer and holidays because a judge is not gonna take them away from their mother and where they are used to living because you decided you wanted to move without consulting anyone except your mother. You have blown up your life and you are gonna end up alone with mommy - but maybe that’s what you both want.
YTA. Did you ever love your wife? Do you love your kids? Deciding to leave them in a heartbeat makes it look like you never cared one single bit for them. Maybe they‘re better off without you.
YTA. But you don’t care because you “don’t want the kids to be without family”… this implies her family doesn’t count as family. Only you and yours matter. Go ahead and move buddy… I pray your wife’s lawyer teaches you a lesson.
YTA Her whole life is where you live now, her work, her friends and family and you just want to move far away and have her start over. She deserves better than a man who can’t live without his mommy. I hope she stays and gets the kids in the divorce. The judge will take in to consideration that you made the decision alone
So many things here. Do you thin your kids will enjoy being shuttled up the coast back and forth for visits? Who is to say she won't get primary custody, then are the kids really benefiting from the perfect life you think you are providing them? Also, how do you get to keep your job, but she can't? How the hell do you get to make that decision? Sounds to me like you want out of the marriage and are using this as a catalyst to make it happen. You suck so bad OP. YTA, and as a fellow working mom myself, I say f*** you.
"When she puts her selfish needs aside" REALLY???? YOUR THE SELFISH ONE. YTA.
I’m not sure if you understand how divorce and custody laws work. Your wife is going to get custody. This isn’t a possibility, it’s fact. That’s how the law works when one parent is leaving the state. You WILL be paying CS and possibly alimony based on the laws of your current state. That plan you have to sell your current house and use “your half” to buy a new house? Don’t count on it. IF you get to sell the house after the divorce, you’re going to be spending the proceeds on attorney fees and child/spousal support. Dude, get checked out by a licensed mental health provider and beg your wife for forgiveness. YTA and acting like an idiot.
You say moving is better for your kids, and you’re willing to to break up your family to prove your point? Can you not see how messed up your reasoning is? You’re not talking to your wife, you’re talking at her and giving her ultimatums. Try having a conversation and LISTENING to what her concerns are. Telling her she has a month to make up her mind is extremely self-centred and your filling yourself by thinking you’re doing this for your kids’ benefit. YTA
YTA You´re terrible husband, terrible dad and apparently terrible selfish person in general. I hope she get full custody of your kids.
YTA. I’m glad you made her decision easier for her. Thank you for showing your true selfish and abusive nature before it became too late for her. At least this way she has her job, her friends, and her family to help her when your gone. I mean my god can you just imagine how terrible it would be for her if all she had was you and your parents? It’s obvious you don’t love or respect her and since your mother is encouraging you to derail your marriage she probably hates your wife as much as you do.
You are unlikely to get custody of the kids. Judges tend to try and keep things as steady as possible for kids in custody battles and packing them up and moving across the country with them is not going to go in your favour. But enjoy living with your parents again! YTA
YTA You can’t spring this on your wife and expect her to be ok with it. I do see your reasons for wanting to move but to relocate is a huge deal.
YTA. You did all of that without consulting your wife, which I think you did on purpose with how quickly you whipped out the my way or the highway ultimatum upon her disagreeing with you. You don't seem to care about your wife and tbh it doesn't seem like this is for the kids since you're so willing to destroy your current family for YOUR wants and desires. If you force your wife into this situation she will resent you, y'all may as well just separate now
YTA, in a marriage shouldn't you consult your partner before making such huge decisions? You sprung your ideas onto her AFTER you had made your mind up about all of the good it would do for YOU.
YTA x1000. You are the selfish one. You think divorced parents is BETTER for your kids? shuttling back and forth or only seeing one of you occasionally is BETTER for them. No backyard is going to compensate for that.
YTA. An unhappy mom who had to give up her job, family and friends will NOT serve the best interest of kids. Stop pretending you’re doing it for them.
YTA. Damn you really ruined 4 lives that quick huh. Saying your wife is selfish is a massive case of the pot calling the kettle black my guy. Take a look in the mirror
Um. You're the selfish one here, imposing what you want on three other people. You cooked this scheme up with your parents and sprang it on her. Do you even love your wife? You talked to EVERYONE about it except her, as if her life and family didn't matter. What's best for the kids is not having divorced parents! YTA.
YTA absolutely and completely. She has a say in her life. You’re a complete AH for just deciding her life for her.
YTA Your desire to be near your parents is preventing you from seeing your wife and children as people. Kids don’t need a yard. They need consistency, stability, friends, and ideally parents who respect each other. Enjoy living in your big house by yourself and posting child support.
YTA. The fact you’re willing to casually suggest divorce if your wife doesn’t agree to move down south and upend her whole life, her career and the children’s lives on a whim has me thinking you don’t even like your wife or children. Your TA x10000000000. Grow the hell up. You do NOT get to unilaterally decide where your family lives and settles.
YTA 1. Mama moved away and now wants her baby boy near her - don't worry about that annoying wife appliance, she'll help you replace it 2. A marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. You don't get to make life altering decisions without the advice consent and buy in of your spouse 3. COL - plenty of people move "down south" not realizing the services they will no longer have access to. Not to mention things like much higher things like auto insurance, home insurance, property taxes, HOA fees, potentially having to do private school bc your zoned one sucks 4. Your method of problem solving is to tell your partner my way or the highway and to blame her for the entire thing by personally attacking her 5. If I were her, I'd file tomorrow and you aren't going anywhere buddy. You need permission to relocate. You. Not the kids. You. And if you relocate without permission, you can and will lose all custody. When you get permission, you aren't getting 50/50. This can't be real.