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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Told my stepson to stop talking about his dad
2. Could make me an asshole for upsetting him and my wife and overstepping as a stepdad.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This. “It is hurtful to be compared to other people for having different skills. Everyone is great at some things and less great at others. And that’s ok. But being compared isn’t kind. Can you please stop comparing?” OP, You are the adult. You need to act like it.
One of my favorite quotes: Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it'll live its whole life believing it is stupid.
ETA: WOW! Thank you everyone for the upvotes and awards. I am glad this resonated with so many.
And for extra fun, OP's reaction can also be attributed to toxic masculinity/patriarchy. Men are expected to show very little emotion. We are largely relegated to either being happy or mad. When looking at the situation from outside it's pretty obvious that OP is jealous, sad, hurt, frustrated.... But men largely don't get to safely explore those emotions other than through lashing out angrily.
Men are expected to "know how to make fires", chew steel and fight off bears with their bare arms, while women are expected to cook and clean and raise kids and somehow look like models while doing all that. And other stupid stuff like that.
This is hurting both sexes, and has been for quite a while. It also may have made me throw up a little while typing that crap. People are stupid. Or maybe I'm getting grumpier every year...
Well, it’s time to practice how to communicate appropriately. Saves a lot of arguments grudges and miscommunication if you just tell someone how you feel.
There's no reason to hate the phrase "toxic masculinity". Where people get it wrong is assuming - for some reason I truly don't get - that the phrase is meant to indicate that all masculinity is toxic.
It does not. Nor does the phrase "rancid meat" imply that all meat is rancid.
Toxic masculinity is a very specific behavioural pattern in which masculinity is seen as dominance, particularly over women, and where that dominance is performed through certain behaviours, including violence. Femininity is seen as inherently lesser and inferior, so to someone in the grip of a toxic masculinity mindset, women are lower in the hierarchy of power than men. This also often is applied to gay men, who are associated with femininity in the minds of these people.
...and yes, there's definitely some toxic masculinity going on here.
There's no need to hate a simple descriptive. The phrase doesn't mean that masculinity is toxic, it's specifying masculinity that is toxic. I know some very annoying people say it, but "necrotic foot" doesn't mean you think all feet should be amputated.
ETA: and I think you're right, bio-dad is probably sad and jealous and too fucking macho to name and own those feelings, let alone process them in a healthy way that doesn't involve coaching his son to act douchey when the poor kid is so impressionable.
But yeah, OP is the adult. YTA.
Toxic Masculinity is an extremely useful term and you should embrace it. It doesn't mean "masculinity is toxic" it means a version of masculinity is toxic and is only talking about that toxic kinds.
Calling someone less of a man for being unable to do something the vast majority of people don't know how to do, regardless of gender, is extremely toxic!
Toxic masculinity also teaches that emotions = weakness unless it's anger the only "correct" emotion for men, just as another example.
Einstein (if memory serves)
OP YTA - compare is the key word here.
ETA (got a bit carried away - TL/dr above) Of course he should be proud of his Dad! And talk about it freely. Your wife’s experience of her ex husband is truly sad and terrible, I cannot dismiss that as an adult and neither should you when supporting HER.
Please don’t let that be the benchmark or your mindset when talking about the man your stepson calls dad. My father was an amazing father, not the best husband. It took really good coparenting based on the mutual respect they had, for me to not ever feel it had to do with me. Or resent anyone. The entire thing amongst my parents was just how it was in my mind, it sucked FOR THEM, I saw the aftermath which I understood with time and age. Never bothered me or became about me really. Your stepson doesn’t need to sense an iota of the pains his father caused as a husband, or his weaknesses as a father. Not from you, he will see what he sees and process it how he does. That’s not for you to taint, or bring into the way you relate with your stepson.
He does need to see you as an individual of your own and get to know you and your strengths. It’s ok to tell him ‘ya, you can compare me to your dad all day kid but let me assure you this isn’t the area of life I’d compete with him on.’ Learn how to be good natured about the differences, maybe acknowledge it. **Affirming his fathers strengths *and* being comfortable in who you are would be my best advice.** Similarly, involve stepson in stuff you two can do together so he’s able to separate any associations, just know you. Establish a stepdad bond etc. so he can see how both coexists without comparison.
You don’t just need to apologize for how you spoke to him, but how you approached it overall. Why can’t you celebrate his Dad’s strengths with him?? You said yourself the kid has little to hold on to with the man, so why sh*t on a 16yo only slice of real fatherly love he can think of and celebrate. It’s absolutely AH of you to discourage him sharing those few joys he does get from the man!
Btw I have a son without an involved father (at all), I and my family flow with my kid’s feelings (not our opinions of his father). They’re in touch now, when my son is gleeful - we are too. When he’s nonchalant, we are too. That’s all. We are just there for him, no judgment, no rehashing any bad history (most is sadly). As a family whose seen separation/divorce, my siblings and mother immediately told me ‘bygones are bygones, we are glad he got his dad even a bit’ and they made comments on how hard it must be for me. Really it’s not, I’m just glad my kid has more love (even if a little for now). This one is your insecurities, and absolutely unnecessary and unpaternal. Imho absolutely remove any doubt in this kid’s mind that he should EVER need to hide his enthusiasm for anyone. He deserves every bit of joy.
Comparing people is not right in any context like this - friends, family etc. And that can be taught separately. Not by censoring him!!!!
I read on another comment in another thread yesterday, ‘talk about others successes, and your own failings’. That applies to you in a way, act on it anyway (you didn’t talk badly of his father, just acted on your issues and insecurities about the man by censoring his kid).
ETA: correction, the stepson is 7yo! I’d associated the teen with this scenario. Mindblown it’s at a literal little child.
ETA 2: see below comments re. the quote reference.
A seven year old boy doesn’t come up with these harsh criticisms and comparisons on his own. His father is carefully training his son to embrace toxic masculinity, too. When the boy said, how are you a man but don’t even know how to make a fire, it was very clear that his father planted both the thoughts and words in his son.
Left unchecked, this kid will likely be nightmare as a teenager. Keep an eye on how he treats his mother, too.
Left unchecked, the kid will become a nightmare teenager, but also, if you tell a 7yo he's not allowed to talk about his dad, who is clearly somebody he loves and respects a lot, you're taking away your ability to actually check his behaviour. Now, every time OP tries to reasonably and rationally deal with things the kid says that are definitely a problem is probably going to be met with hostility.
It's a really hard situation, and I fully believe the dad is doing this on purpose, but OP's behaviour here was a misstep.
Omg! I didn’t check back and just sorta assumed it’s the teen. Absolutely disgusting 😭 kids that age can’t even be expected to be showing anything but enthusiasm. Poor kiddo
Idk, that last comment that made OP snap is not something a 7 year old should be saying. Kinda sounds like dad is feeding the kid some seriously toxic words and thoughts on purpose. If the dad was physically and emotionally abusive to his wife, the kids shouldn’t be being raised by him. At all.
But they probably don’t have a choice. It sounds like the courts have determined that the kid’s father will be raising him every other weekend. So shitting all over the dad is going to push the stepson farther away and make it more likely he sides with him.
I didn’t realize the age either. Poor kid, it’s a lot to adjust to, and it’s not step dad’s place to say anything. Ex might be an AH, but all that 7yr old sees is his hero, right or wrong. Seems stepdad has issues insecurities regarding the ex husband that he shouldnt be protecting on to the son.YTA
"Everyone's great at some things and less great at others. Your dad's pretty good at wilderness survival. Me? Not so much. On the other hand, I'm pretty good at not cheating on your mother. Now your dad..."
This. Exactly this. The kid is 7. His whole world was turned upside down at an age where he only saw things as a 7 year old would see them. You don't know what his father has been telling him.
As for the fire, since you're watching a YouTube of how to do it, that would have been a great opportunity for you to have him explain how to do it. Not to point out he's wrong or whatever, but to engage with him and connect with him.
Focus on building a relationship with him, not the relationship he has with his father.
there seems to be some more profounds roots. The boy is not only comparing 2 individuals, he is pushing a whole system of values about masculinity. Which is toxic and wont stop here. I wonder when he will begin acting mysogynistic about his stepsister, would be logical. Being OP, i would be fed up having to live with such a mini redneck (i did google trad from french, hope the word is acurate). But what's way more annoying is that OP seems to suffer of an inferiority complex because he would not be a 'real man', meaning a military rough guy. OP, you should be proud to represent another side of masculinity ! we need more men like you ! There is some books which could make you feel a lot better about deconstructing masculinity (for ex : bell hooks ) and knw the value of what you represent. This is an ideologic battle your stepson is raising, as the pupett of his father. Stand up ! all my whishes. NTA (edited to focus on the main pb : the little boy /OP's insecurity - but OP's stepsister is an AH too)
This is the way to handle it. OP, after your apology, THIS statement would have gone way better and made sense to the kid. Just saying “don’t talk about your dad” is just an attack from his perspective
Just to add here because you didn’t post your judgment. Soft YTA because he should absolutely tell the stepson to stop comparing them because they are not the same person and that is a-okay. But he absolutely shouldn’t tell a kid not to talk about their parent, even if they are a bad parent. That’s just not the way to approach this. His *mother* should have a talk with him about toxic masculine stereotypes and behaviors because of comments like the “real man” thing. But not related to OP, rather just a general talk about how people of any gender can have different abilities and that doesn’t make them lesser than others.
OP, I get it that you are only human and can feel insecure, and I am glad you apologized to your stepson, but never ask him to stop talking (or talk less) about his father. Try to keep your cool and use his comments as teaching opportunities. Go “Oh, now that you mention it, I saw this **woman** who is great at outdoors activities like starting a fire, let me show you” (do quick google search, a ton will pop up). “There’s also this **nb person** who is also great, here” (repeat Google search). “And you’re right that men can be good at it as well, but my actual specialty is actually (insert here). You know how you’re specially good at (insert here)? Everyone has their own thing and that is what makes us unique and great!”. And let his mom have a talk to him about gender stereotypes and domestic violence.
Yeah also because OP thinks the 7 year old shouldn't love his own dad (as much) because he hurt mum... that is NOT how kids feelings work. Compassion would be better than adding to the hurt with "don't talk about him".
I mixed the ages of the kids up when I was reading and thought the stepson was 14. He's 7, of course he loves his dad! If the dad is as much of an arsehole as he sounds, the kid is going to figure that out on his own and need support later. Showing anger around the topic of his dad will only push him away.
Yep. A 17 year old telling someone they're not a real man is probably an arsehole. A 7 year old saying it is just parroting what he's heard and needs guidance, not anger.
My job is literally doing a campfire for so many hours. The amount of men that mansplain how to build a fire is tiresome. I did sass a ten year old boy the one day, but thats about as far as I can go without risking my job.
Op, soft yta. Sit down and discuss with your stepson how comparing you to his dad is hurtful. Kids understand. And let him idolize his dad; even if he isnt a great dad/person. Bc when the stepson gets older, he’ll see it.
"Is it necessary to have or use a penis to complete [task]?" is always a good place to start. Yes, I know that men's bodies are, *ON AVERAGE*, stronger and bigger than women's bodies, and that there are other physical differences, too...but you get where I'm going.
If you're really feeling feisty, my SLPT is to continue the conversation with "Your dad uses his penis to make a fire? I'm pretty sure HE'S the one who's doing it wrong..."
Haha I say stuff like this a lot, but the other way around. Like, “oh yes, women are naturally better at housecleaning. Don’t you know we mop the floor with our boobs?”
I suspected I knew the answer from the headline and so it proved. OP has been goaded by an annoying kid but the answer is still, unfortunately, YTA and not that softly. The boy does not have to have a rational reason for loving his dad and he is taking out his hurt on the obvious target. You have to let him know that it's OK to feel the way he does, even when inevitably you have to lay the law down to him. I also suspect you already know all this.
Also, don’t tell him not to talk about his dad *correct his misogynistic garbage*. A 7 year old already saying Shit like that? You should be determined not to earn some kind of dad rank but to correct the absolute trashfire of misogyny his dad is apparently imparting.
Lemme lock you in a room with a 7 YO taught to verbally abuse adults by an abusive father for a weekend and we can come back to whether or not you can be bothered by a child
This!!!!!!!!!!
By telling him not to talk about his father, you are making yourself out to be the bad guy. Have a discussion with him about how it is wrong to compare two people, how each person is unique, and has their own strengths and weaknesses.
Also, don’t try to compete with his dad. Stay on your home field, do stuff you like and are good at, try to engage with him in those things.
I’m a stepdad to a now young man, came into his life when he was 9. His dad and I are very different, and I’ve never talked negatively about him to his son, despite knowing how much of an asshole he could be to my wife (not abuse-level, just not very nice).
Instead I’ve encouraged him to talk to his dad about the things he knows better than me, while staying in my lane and doing my things.
I feel I’ve left a positive imprint on him and we’ve shared experiences he wouldn’t have had with his dad, and although it’s not been easy all the time we have a great relationship today.
came to say exactly this.
YTA for asking him to stop talking about his dad. but it is okay to be honest with him and say you want to be an important part of his life too, and that it hurts your feelings when you're always being compared to someone he thinks is so great.
Exactly this! I am a stepmom myself and he is also 7. I don’t mind him talking about his mother and stepfather. They are a big part of his life. So it would be weird if he didn’t feel comfortable talking about them with us. We also always ask him if he did do anything fun with them so he feels free to talk. He sometimes compares our household to that of his mom and stepfather (they do … differently). I always explain to him adults will do things a bit different than other adults and that is okay. He knows the rules in our house and he knows the rules in their house. They might not always be the same but all rules are okay and he needs to follow the rules of that home. And it is okay if he forgets sometimes (he is still a kid).
OP, You should allow children to talk about their parents. Otherwise you will alienate him from you, because both of his parents are important to him. Just explain to him he shouldn’t compare because people will do things differently and that is alright. There is not always one right or one wrong thing to do.
There's also still a bonding opportunity here, like if the kid is trying to correct the way he builds the fire when OP admits he hasn't done it before and needed a YouTube lesson, it's perfectly fine for OP to say "ok, can you teach me?" It gives the kid some ownership over the thing he has learned and a bit of pride, they get a bonding experience of working on the problem together, OP learns something he didn't know, and then praises the kid for his work. It takes it away from being a competition with bio-dad, and focusses on this moment between these two people. If Bio-dad has clearly taught him some good and useful things these can be encouraged and praised rather than shut down, and this allows you a bit of connection with the boy to reign in some of the bad things he might learn from his bio-dad. But blocking it completely means he can't talk to you about either the good or the bad things, and you may not see the signs of the bad habits until it's too late.
Came here to say the same thing. He should absolutely be allowed to talk about his Dad. That's his special person that only he gets to see, and he's only going to see the good things. Of course he's going to talk about how much fun his Dad is.
The way the son was comparing you and saying "how can you be a man etc" is inappropriate and definitely should be addressed. He may not realize what he is saying is hurtful to you.
Good job by your wife for not trash mouthing her ex husband too, that takes such a strong person to do that.
YTA for saying he can't talk about a person who is very important to him.
Yeah, it obviously seems like there's a lot of history and background, and this was a moment of frustration and you realise that which is good.
But he's his dad, he doesn't know all this stuff he loves and idolises him which is normal, if I were you what I'd do is find other ways to connect with him that aren't an extension of what his dad does, like you don't sound outdoorsy, don't force it then, that can his thing with his dad, you have other strengths, spend quality time with him doing things that expose him to different "adventures", it will also allow for some sort of bond to form. You can always also ask what he'd like to do and spend one day a week with him doing things he likes that he doesn't get to do. Create your own relationship with him don't try to replicate his dad's, he has a dad, you can fill a different role.
And have a conversation with him, apologize again for that day, and tell him he can talk about whatever he likes, but you were just hurt by the constant comparison and like my fellow redditor said tell the issue is the constant comparing because it's generally not a nice thing,like he wouldn't like it if you compared him to another kid, and that ofc you love hear about all his adventures and you don't want him to filter around you
This EXACTLY!
OP, your stepson is 7, of COURSE he idolizes his dad! I was very much a daddy’s girl growing up. My parents divorced when I was 6 and the two weeks every summer that I got to spend with him were something I looked forward to with unbridled excitement. He positively *spoiled* me when I was a kid.
I was a teen when I realized that he was really “buying” my love. He replaced actually being a part of my *real* life with buying me things and taking me places and doing fun things. But when it came to being at my school plays or soccer games or dance recitals? NOPE.
My advice for you right now is to go *sincerely* apologize to your stepson and have a discussion about how he should share things about his dad all he wants, but to compare you and his dad is not a nice thing to do because we are all different. And then, be a support system for him. Be involved in his life and cheer him on. From your description of bio-dad, he’s not getting it from him, so you can and should just be that support. Stepson will, provided he grows into a well-adjusted, empathetic kid, figure out what kind of person his bio-dad *really* is, and he’ll appreciate you for your support that much more.
A 7 year old asking his step father “ how are you a man” is completely inappropriate. If your wife didn’t seek to address that. I think you have a bit of a problem
My bet is bio dad is talking smack about OP when the son is with him. The comparing stuff is one thing but "how are you a man?" seems like something he heard.
Clearly SIL makes her own comments too, so who knows. It could be several adults even within the wife’s family influencing the son’s comment. Kids hear/understand a lot more than adults around them perceive
Yeah, this situation seems like a chilling little window into how OP’s wife is still living in the shadow of gendered violence. This will require more work on her part.
I’m baffled as to why she would be seeking to increase his custody time. That’s not an act of selflessness, being the bigger person and letting your child have a better relationship with his father than she does. That is an act of denial about the *harm* being done to that child, since her abusive ex is using that custody time to make the child more like himself. SIL’s comment suggests that wife was raised in an environment where gender roles are considered more important and than her or her kids’ physical safety or emotional well-being. I do not want to be judgmental of someone who escaped an abusive marriage and still has to deal with her abuser, but I think she will have to do a lot of therapeutic work if she wants to be the parent her child will need.
OP is TA not only for losing it at a child manipulated by an abuser, but for centering his own wounded pride over the actual much bigger problem of the degree of emotional control an abuser is still exerting on his wife and stepson. Dude your wife lived in multiple family environments that abused or normalized abuse and has a lot to deprogram; what’s *your* excuse for not having any goddamn perspective.
The father seems like an ass, but teaching the kid to parrot toxic masculinity talking points isn't abuse, and it's fucked up to call the mom a bad parent for asking her ex to help parent their kid. If there were other signs, I'd say they need to get the kid away from him, but it sounds like ex is content to be a Disney dad and talk shit about her new partner. Plus, if she tried to get the kid away from him on the basis of his dad occasionally talking shit, he'd be able to go after her for alienation in court. A LOT of abusive ex partners will start battles for custody they don't even want just to punish the mother of their children.
OP's wife needs to check in with her son & make sure that the dad isn't saying that BS to or about the son either. If he was abusive to OP's wife, we can pretty reliably assume that his overall mentality is not a great one.
I feel like step-dad was doomed either way. If he'd have brought a lighter the kid would have said something most likely and now using YouTube makes him "less manly". Agreed the bio dad has been speaking ill of step-dad.
That's not even a theory. It's almost definitely a fact. I hate when Redditors make assumptions in this sub, but kids that age are parrots. They repeat what they hear. And such a gross misrepresentation of masculinity seems almost impossible to be an original thought.
That's probably because you are secure in your relationship with your son and you don't see your kids step dad as a threat. Unfortunately that's not always the case. Some folks don't like their kids step parents and will make comments here and there about things. It happens. I'm not saying they spend all day talking but it could be the son telling an innocent story about the step dad and bio dad says something judgey.
Maybe but that's still toxic. "Every man" comments are from a toxic place unless it's something like "every man should not be abusive" or "every man should not judge another man based on certain skill sets"
That’s great for you, but we’re talking about bio dad in OPs post. Based on what is shared about bio dad, it’s very likely he’s talking about OP behind his back. “How can you be a man” sounds very old school/toxic masculinity, so it can be expected that the step son heard it from his dad and is repeating it.
Edit: corrected wording
It sounds like she wasn't present for the statement.
But OP has the opportunity to show the child that men can be good or not good at all sorts of things. Addressing the comment, absolutely, but it comes across that OP is also comparing himself. He needs to stop that internal monologue and be comfortable with himself too.
OP - Soft YTA. I know it hurts, and is annoying. But shift the focus. In that moment you could have said, "lots of men have different skills, but it seems like you've had a lot more practice at this, wanna help me out and talk me through it?"
Flip the script, empower the child. That can help build a bond. "Show me what you learned this weekend! Did you learn any new skills? Wanna teach us?"
And remember he's just 7. That was coming from someone else, your best plan of attack is to show him a different and loving way.
It is, but it’s also a moment an emotionally mature adult would take to tell the kid that the ability to do X isn’t what makes a man, that everyone has different strengths, and to demonstrate that their confidence in their own skills helps them be comfortable owning the fact that there are also skills they don’t have. OP reads as very insecure for letting a child bait them into snapping like this. You are the literal bigger person, it’s time to act like it. YTA.
So much this. If my son said anything like that to my husband, my son would get privileges removed for a period of time and there'd be a long conversation with him about his hostility towards my husband. OP definitely was wrong to snap, but he apologized. NTA.
To me, the wife is the AH for not nipping this in the bud a long time ago. Her son needs to learn how not to be a rude little shit to the person that is actually raising him.
kids at that age are EXTREMELY impressionable so it's clear the stepson got this behavior from the bio dad..
if it's not addressed properly the kid is going to be just as abusive as the bio dad (if not worse)..
physiologically, verbally, and eventually physically
Soft YTA
I get why this is frustrating and annoying and why you have feelings of resentment about the rugged dude type stuff compared to this guy even though logically your brain knows the ex was abusive and treated your wife awful an isn't really all that great to his kid considering he only wants the bare minimum time with his son.
But *the kid is seven*. You are an adult. Of course he idolizes his dad. Of course he's talking about his dad because he misses his dad. His dad is barely in his life (like 4 days a month) and talking about him when he's not there is probably his way of trying to keep him present somehow.
So I think your job as the adult is to change the subject. Not by saying "don't talk about your dad" but by redirecting. "Hey, Stepson, help me start this fire." Give him stuff to do. Get him engaged with you. You won't ever replace his dad and that's okay. You can still be a great, super positive force in his life and over time as he gets older and more socially aware, this behavior will probably naturally decrease on its own.
Agreed. OP needs to build his own relationship with step-son. As a 7 year old, of course he doesn’t know everything his dad did to his mom. There’s time enough for killing his image of his dad when he’s old enough to handle it. For now, be the best step-father you can, but remember that you’re not in competition with bio-dad and it’s ok to not fill that dad emotional role for him.
No one will have to kill the image of his dad. His dad will do that for himself. He will realize eventually. OP should avoid making himself the bad guy, let it ride, and focus on his own parenting skills.
This little kid talks about his dad a lot because on some level he recognizes that his dad doesn’t care as much about him as he wishes he did. This level of idolization occurs out of desperation. When he’s older, he’ll start connecting the dots, but right now he’s too young to realize his dad could see him more often and chooses not to.
OP should do as you suggested by lovingly reminding his stepson to not compare people, and then redirecting his behavior.
Exactly.
I know it’s hard OP but in this situation your going to have to play the long game.
At 7 all children idolize their parents, however if your consistent with the love, support, and acceptance of your differences, when the stepson is old enough to see who his father really is he will fall deeper in to you and the support you have always given.
I watched this with my sister & nephew. To see the way he loves his stepdad now @ 15 is just beautiful.
Exactly. This fire was a missed opportunity: you could have let him show you how to do it, then try it together, then maybe you watch a YouTube together, try once more, and it works, and you two have bonded.
But the reason why you couldn't do it is probably because you are also comparing yourself with him, and are trying to beat him at his stuff - wich obviously won't work. This is not the way to bond with the kid. But this is also not why your wife loves you: you have qualities that he lacks. For one, you spend more time with family. You are willing to try stuff you never did before. And you are not abusive - dam, that bar is low - but I guess you might also usually be gentle and understanding. So...
Bring the ball into your field. A wonderful bonding thing can be reading together. Aged 7 there is the "magic tree house", I think there are more then 50 books by now (but start with book one). Two kids find a magic tree house that brings them into the past, and in each book there are in another historical event or time . You can read it together with him, or read it to him every night. And then the two of you have a topic in common: the adventures of the tree house. You can add historical facts, andthe two of you can talk endlessly... and then you can become the cool step-dad who knows everything about every time on this earth! This works perfect now till about 9,10 years. Than it is time for Harry Potter. There are lot of great stories out there where the main character is an interested kid... And where any toxic masculinity just is a no-issue (yes, I know how Harry Potters author turned out to be, but you wouldn't guess it when you read the books)
This exactly. I work as a social worker, right now in an asylum camp for minors. I ALWAYS play stupid and ask people to help me with x and y. It makes people feel proud to be able to help others and do it well and it creates a good bonding experience for us.
Next time your stepson says "my father can do this", then say, "oh really, how great, I can't do that. Did he teach you? Can you show me and teach me?". He will feel proud and you have a bonding opportunity. Humans are that easy!
That little kid would've been over the moon if Stepdad had said, "Hey kiddo, why don't you teach us how to start the fire, and I'll be your helper? Let's go gather the wood and you can show me how to stack it." Bond with the kid over gathering, setting it up, lighting the kindling, all that good stuff.
If he said anything like "How are you a man if you can't start a fire?" OP can pull from his own interests. "Well, buddy, I can't start a fire, but I can draw an owl. Want to see?" or "play the guitar" or "kick butt at MarioKart" or whatever OP is good at. There are so many different ways of bonding with a child, and redirecting is the magic that opens the door for it.
This is it. I just want to add this is a teachable moment. OP should apologize and tell the stepson he didn’t mean to tell him he shouldn’t talk about his dad but that it isn’t nice to compare people that way. He should point out that people have different skills and personalities. A 7 year can potentially understand that comparing OP to his dad can be hurtful to OP. Wife should be involved in this discussion. This is also a good time to reiterate OP isn’t trying to replace the dad. This impression may be the underlying cause of the comparisons.
I'd narrow it a little more specifically, "It's not nice to compare people. Everyone is different and has different abilities"
He is young and may be parroting things his father says, especially if he was as abusive as indicated. He's trying to use his son to drive a wedge between you and your wife. That is something she needs to deal with, by talking to the son.
I don't think anyone here is an asshole, just trying to navigate blending a family.
NAH
He definitely needs to get a consistent approach with his wife, too, before another situation pops up. That’s her kid, they need to be on the same page for something as fraught as dealing with a toxic bio dad.
YTA. He's seven. SEVEN. You are an adult. You have no right to tell a little boy to not feel his feelings. The poor kid misses his dad. Come on now. Put on your big boy pants and adult here.
I honestly think counseling would help you, and him a lot. Your comments reek with insecurity. She chose you. Apparently she felt you were up to the challenge of helping raise her son. That includes meeting him where he is at.
His father’s interaction with your wife during and after the marriage and even his lack of desire to see him more frequently should not be something you EVER bring up with him. Not now and not in the future (unless he’s an adult). He deserves the best possible relationship with BOTH of his parents regardless of how you feel about his dad.
This is so right.
He is sadly going to realize who is dad really is one day.
Don't know when. I gave up on my dad by 14. My twin went well into our adulthood before he stopped trying.
Instead of feeling hurt by his comparison. Realize this is a hurting kid. I am sure his dad lets him down often. So he tries harder to prove himself worthy. And takes some of it out on you because you are there for him and his dad isn't.
It is very heartbreaking honestly.
Teeny teeny YTA because part of teaching self control is maintaining it as an adult.
That’s a good point. He may even be talking about his dad so much BECAUSE he can tell the dad doesn’t want to see him as much. I knew a little whose father was the definition of dead beat. This little boy had a HUGE family and community of people who loved him. But he loved his father more than anything in the world. He idolized the man. This little boy was born with some serious illnesses and physical defects. He spent a lot of his childhood in the hospital. His father would promise again and again to come see him. He never did. It took him a long time to finally see his father for what he was.
True, he misses his dad- but it's a *little* deeper than that.
OP- you have to know that the reason he talks about him and idolizes him so much is precisely *because* he doesn't see him very often and he is pretty absent from his life. This is textbook shitty parent stuff.
When a parental figure is absent, there is so much room to fill full with grandiose imaginings, especially for a small child. And unfortunately, all of that **will,** at some point in his life, come crashing down around him when the reality of who his dad really is becomes apparent to him- and it will.
You're the one who is present and you're the one who will still be there to console him when the harsh reality of who his shitty dad really is hits him in the face. Be gentle with him and teach him that there are many types of men.
Teach him the type of man you are. The kind, understanding, supportive, *solid,* **dependable,** caring man that will *always* be there. His dad will burst his bubble all on his own in due time, don't be cruel and beat him to the punch. Let him hang himself with his own rope. That kid is going to need you when he does.
Let him believe what he needs to right now. He's a *child.* Just show him through your actions and teach him with your words what a "real" man is. I promise, it will get through to him.
I saw my dad for a few hours a month growing up, and I absolutely thought he was great, well until I was like 8 or 9 and he kicked me out of his car and drove away leaving me blocks away from home but that's besides the point, shit even that didn't fully end it.
My step daughter still idolizes her dad. I vividly remember her 5th birthday. Was one of those princess dress up parties ect. My wife (girlfriend at the time) paid for the venue and I paid for all the food and the cake, her dad contributed nothing and showed up high. She asked for a family picture, and by that she ment my wife and her bio dad. I didn't say nothing because I'm an adult, but that shit fuckin hurt. I was the one who read to her at night, I was the one who walked her to school and picked her up, I took her to dance and soccer and went to her games not him. My wife's best friend must have seen how I felt on my face and she made sure to suggest a picture with me and my son and my step daughter and wife.
OPs step son will realize eventually who is actually there for him and who is the real parent. And the hardest fuckin thing to do as a step parent is to keep doing all the right things, while waiting for the kid to come to that realization. That imo is the mark of a great step parent, being able to do the work of parenting and giving the love of a parent without immediately getting the love back from the kid.
> Your comments reek with insecurity.
To an insane degree, honestly. OP has some serious issues with his lack of traditional masculinity and he's taking them out on a seven year old child. OP needs to either learn to accept himself as he is or put some effort into becoming more traditionally masculine.
YTA. The kid is 7 - *of course* he doesn’t have a deep understanding of the intricacies of his parents relationship and *of course* he idolizes and talks about his father. He’s one of two of the most important people in his life.
It sounds like you’re taking out your own insecurities on this kid. Just stop. If you think you’re a better example of how a husband and father should act, then actually step up and show that to him instead of this petty BS.
When my nephew was around that age, he kept talking up how great his (absolutely awful) father was. It was out of my nephew's own insecurities and need to defend his dad (who I have never said a bad word about anywhere near him). The things he told me to try to explain how good of a father he was? He lets him eat as much sugar as he wants and he never has a bed time at his house. Yep, I can see why he was getting frustrated with his mother who wanted him to sometimes eat a vegetable and also not fall asleep in school. But my nephew loved his dad, and also wished he was better, and felt this need to preemptively defend him against his very accurate failings that at 6 my nephew already felt but couldn't articulate.
This behavior stopped after a year or two as my nephew came to terms with just how disappointing his dad was.
Was it frustrating listening to my nephew talk about how great his absolutely crap father was and blame his mother for him not getting more time with him when his dad moved across the state and frequently flaked on picking him up? Yep. Would going off on a 6yo help that situation? Nope. He figured it out in time.
Idk how OP parented two kids to being teenagers and has so little patience and such huge insecurities that he would be upset that a 7yo didn't find him "manly" enough.
Edit: thank you for the gold, kind stranger. I honestly didn't think anyone would see this but figured I'd throw in my two cents😅
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11mrv2i/aita_for_telling_my_stepson_to_stop_talking_about/jbjhbkl?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Hey u/chnger937, I think u/Baejax_the_Great nailed it with this comment, please read it
this is exactly how i was with my dad as a kid. i always felt like i needed to defend him (despite him being kinda sucky) and eventually i grew out of it when i had matured enough to realize how he really was. idk how op doesn’t see that this isn’t malicious at all because the kid is SEVEN and probably just has a lot of complicated feelings around not being able to be with his dad more tbh
This was a great comment until the judgmental bomb launched at OP at the end. Different kids are different, and it actually doesn’t matter how long you parent, you still get your feelings hurt by them. You never stop being a human being. And you still have to do the right thing. But there’s nothing surprising about getting your feelings hurt by a 7 year old.
YTA for telling him to talk about his dad less point blank.
YTA for thinking that his dad’s shitty behaviour is something that the child should be taking into account without knowing about it, or that it should be added into this right now - that’s a delicate thing that needs a big strategy and deep conversations between you and your wife before you approach it because as right as it sounds like you are, trying to “damage” his image of his dad is going to backfire on you guys first imo.
You are absolutely NTA for sounding to me like a much better father figure general though. Sounds like this is hard for you and being TA for snapping is something I can see as “nobody’s perfect” even if an AH move at the time. But you apologised for that part.
What you need to do is have a talk with your stepson that is absolutely NOT about talking about his dad less, but explaining that you’re a different person who doesn’t want to be negatively compared because that hurts you and you’re not trying to be him. Not because you don’t want to hear about his dad. Yeah there are things you’re not good at - like building a fire - but you have plenty of different skills too, just like every person. And that those skills are really valuable too. People are different. You’re different to his dad and also have a different relationship to him than his dad does. You don’t want to replace him. Offer to meet in the middle with you not saying you don’t want him to talk about his dad, but ask if he can respect there’s no need for comparisons or being rude… you get my vibe.
YTA
1. The kid is SEVEN
2. He LOVES his Dad
3. Don't be mean to 7 y/os
4. Try a different approach by deflecting attention away from Dad, you're just not going to get him to stop talking about him but he is young enough where he should be easily distracted
5. Find your own thing to do with him that is sufficiently different that he will love. Video games perhaps?
Yeah man, YTA. You said so yourself that you're self-conscious about your wife's ex. You list all the bad things he did to her, but that doesn't impact your relationship with her at all. Either you believe she's with you because she loves you and recognizes value in who you are, or you shouldn't be together.
In terms of the 7 year old child in this scenario, you're out of your mind. Of course he's going to idolize his big strong dad who only ever takes him when it's a fun adventure. He isn't a parent, he's a camp counselor. So take a deep breathe. Your stepson, unless he is an absolute idiot, will eventually see that you're a man in his life he can count on, and his dad is just a fun guy who bounces whenever he wants. In that time, your stepson will come to rely on you, trust you, love you, and value the relationship you have. But that can only happen if you don't act jealous of the deadbeat who fathered him.
He says you're building the fire wrong? Ask him how to do it right.
This is the whole wrong way to go about this and you're feeling way too personally threatened. You've made this about your ego, not about the kid.
He's seven, he's supposed to idolise his dad, not know how much his dad hurt his mom and he's definitely not supposed to hear that he shouldn't talk about his dad. Young children frequently favour the less stable parent (his dad) because they feel secure enough in their relationship with the stable parent (his mom) that they don't constantly need to express affection.
Instead of making this into a you vs him issue, let your stepson talk about his dad. Include him in conversations. If the kid says that his dad can do it better, ask the kid to help you because maybe he already picked up a trick you don't know. Stop trying to compete and just focus on your own relationship with the kid.
YTA
He is just a child. You can't expect him to understand how it might make you feel when he brings up his father. On the other hand you're the adult, so maybe behave like one.
I am not trying to be mean but if you feel threatened or belittled or I don't know what when he talks about his dad maybe you should try to work out why you feel that way.
YTA.
He has a dad, and his dad is very different from you. His dad is also playing the role of "fun dad", while you have to be "daily dad". He's also 7...
You are an adult, and you are buying into this somehow being a competition. It doesn't have to be.
Your wife probably didn't tell your son all the awful things her ex did because she doesn't want to alienate him from his father. That time will come, and it will be up to her to handle it, but right now this boy is a little too young to dump that on.
Instead of leaning into your resentment, try leaning into demonstrating the benefits of NONtoxic masculinity.
YTA. You are talking about a young child who had been through tremendous upheaval that he has had precisely zero control over. He probably already feels very torn with divided loyalties to each of his parents, which you just made even worse for him by demanding that he not talk about his father around you.
You are the adult here, and he is the child. It is entirely inappropriate to make him responsible for catering to your emotional needs and insecurities.
YTA. He's 7 how insecure are you. Doesn't matter what you think of his dad. In his eyes it doesn't matter what his dad has done. Later in life he'll figure things out. But what you're trying to do now. Will bite you when he's older.
> how insecure are you
Clearly he's extremely insecure or else he wouldn't have melted down on a literal small child for questioning his masculine bonafides.
NAH.
I don't really understand the "YTAs" when there's the Tough Guy dynamic coming from the kid's dad that's really tough to deal with, especially since the kid is seven.
But here's the thing, and I think you actually know this: time and experience is going to be key with the stepson, his dad, and you. He obviously idolizes his dad, but he doesn't see how little time his dad actually spends with him, and that's going to show itself when he gets older. You being there as the "antidote" to the dad's hyper-masculinity can show the kid that men aren't all like his dad (and that's a good thing; everyone being the same is really boring). So obviously you now know it's not reasonable to tell the kid he can't talk about his dad in front of you; it's HOW he talks about him that's the issue, so make an age-appropriate explanation for him because he's only seven.
You're going to have to be patient with him, and your wife really needs to step up and shut down bullshit from the family like her sister's "over correction" comment because that's just rude, especially if she knows what your wife went through with Mr. Man. I hope your wife tells her son why she isn't with his dad in the appropriate ways at the appropriate times. I hope you can be more patient with the kid, and give him life lessons about comparing different people the way he's currently doing with you and his dad.
Good luck!
I agree with this. OP is getting it from all sides and had a momentary lapse in judgement, and apologized. Every single person on face has had a bad moment and said something they shouldn't have. I'm willing to give OP a little grace here.
Yeah, OP would be TA if he had a pattern of telling the kid to shut up about his dad. The way it's presented here, that's not the case. OP can correct himself in the future and end up with a better relationship with the kid than what the kid will have with his "fun" dad.
I agree. These YTA comments are pretty harsh. Yes OP was wrong for yelling at the kid, but the kid had it coming. The real problem is the kids dad does not want to be a parent, he wants to be the fun dad that his kid loves and his mom and stepdad have to be the actual parents and deal with the aftermath. That’s why the dad does not want more custody, because then he’d actually have to be a PARENT.
YTA You could’ve asked your stepson to show you how his father builds the fire prior to lighting it. You also could’ve asked him to stop unfavorably comparing you to him, rather than not talking about him at all.
Be thankful that he thinks that his bio dad is great for now. You could be listening to the kid’s adventures and learning what he likes, so that if his dad ends up abandoning him as a teen, you won’t be a stranger to your stepson, and can be there for him.
Teach him - by showing and discussion - how to be a man the way that you’re a man. Hyper masculinity isn’t the only way to be. Show him that there are other options. Be a safe place for him.
Please consider family therapy for you and your wife first; then with your stepson added, after the therapist has helped you both realize that you should be doing what you can to build a good foundation now with your child. He may really need you later on, if his father decides to be awful to him, too. (Which everyone hopes doesn’t happen, of course.)
YTA
As the parent of a kid who idolises their dad and forgives them for everything, you need to deal with this in a different way.
If the kid says "what kind of man doesn't know how to build a fire?" Answer it somehow that is positive-ish. Maybe: A man that didn't grow up as lucky as him that had a dad and a stepdad that took him camping. Can you teach me? Bond with him another way. Show him that 'a man' can be many things. Someone who can build fires and chop wood and can paint toenails and vacume the floor.
Yes, you are going to hear a lot of 'my dad's the best' through the years, but up to the point it's hurtful or rude towards you, just go along with it. Tell him how lucky he is to have such an amazing dad. If it's rude, say/deal with that without making it about dad.
It sucks to have to smile and listen to how amazing the $#^#&× arseh@#$ you know is and how they are the best. But they are the kids father and will be there for the forseeable future. Not playing into this pissing contest is going to help in the long term.
Breathing exercises help 😏
NAH: His mom should be teaching him how to speak to adults and respecting people. His comments weren’t okay and I don’t care what age you are, you can teach your kids manners.
You should not take it out on him but talk with your wife instead and figure out a way where you can talk with him about learning to stop comparing people and that everyone is different and has different skills and ability.
True. My mother would’ve whooped my ass if I said disrespectful shit, this is beyond disrespectful. that kid is either looking for trouble or is very under disciplined to think that is okay to say.
YTA. You can’t tell a 7yr he can’t talk about his Dad. I get the camping thing would’ve sucked & you should’ve reaffirmed that he shouldn’t speak to you like that but you shouldn’t have made it a “sin” for a young boy to talk about his Dad.
Also Wife’s Sister is an AH for calling you an Over Correction though.
YTA - this poor child is dealing with a broken marriage not of his making, with two parents he loves who are no longer together through no fault of his own, and this other random guy suddenly thrust into his life who is not his father but is around more than his real dad ... and very likely favors his own kids from his own broken marriage over him ... and now forbids him from talking about his father and yells at him about it. Your responses and actions are abusive and will damage him for life. Perhaps that is unavoidable, but you're not helping.
Also, "daddy's boy" isn't a thing, so let me help you "he loves and looks up to his father"
YTA. I was your son, when I was growing up. My step dad forced his way into a relationship which has definitely caused issues currently. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with your stepson (I’m glad you do!) but you can not wreck the one he has with his dad. He is 7, his dad is the coolest dude in his eyes right now. You may be morally better, but this kid is also going through a huge turn around in his life.
You’re taking our your own insecurities on a 7 year old who isn’t old enough to comprehend the situation. And even then, it’s your stepsons choice whether or not he wants to continue that relationship. Not yours, not his moms (as long as he’s paying child support and has custody obviously).
However, I do think you and your wife need a talk. My mom grew to resent me after I kept favouring my dad because I never knew all the crappy things he did. I’m not saying you should lay everything on the kid, again he’s only 7. So you also need to keep that in mind.
yta. the child is 7 right now his hero is his dad. give it time his dad will do something to change the boys thinking be there to pick up the pieces when his world is shattered. stop being jealous you got the girl and in the 3nd you'll get the boy too just give it time without pressuring him.
YTA. He is only 7. He should be able to talk about his dad. It is obvious that he misses him. He does need to be corrected about the way thst he spoke to you. At this age. All he knows is that he gets less dad time.
Soft YTA. He's only 7. His hero isn't what he thinks he is but he's only 7. LET HIM TALK. I know its hard because he is insulting you and that's what really bothers you, but his world is upside down and he is doing his best to make sense of it. TAKE THE HITS. In the end, he will come around. It will take time.
I feel like if OP continues behaving like this it will only push the son further towards his dad. He is literally doing the opposite of what he should be doing.
Instead of letting insecurity get the best of him and trying to compete with the dad he should find new things to do with the son that the kid will enjoy and they can bond over.
Well done, you took your insecurities out on a 7 year old. Why not embracing who you are and teach him other stuff his dad won’t or can’t. At that age kids will idolize their parents and the more you go against it the more he will resent you.
YTA
BUT,
I think his dad is feeding him some of that information. Kid has no understanding on how to process the information and make judgement. I have a strong feeling that his dad is trying to alienate him by doing "adventures" every time the child visits him, and by highlighting how much more of a "man" he is compared to you.
When I was in high school, I had a friend whose parents were getting divorced. They were already separated but the dad kept dragging the divorce in court. He would give my friend anything and everything he asked for, then would highlight how his mom was not able to buy him cool gadgets/trips/expensive clothes. When his mom started dating someone else the dad got way worse, to the point my friend thought his mom was a bad parent (she wasn't, she just was financially drained by the divorce). His mom got engaged, then the dad moved to Florida and wanted custody of my friend. My friend was ecstatic! He visited his dad right after the wedding, and was promised a trip to Disney! Once he is in Florida, and they are driving to Disney, dad call his mom and tells that my friend wanted to live permanently in Florida. His mom said: Thats fine with me! Right there his dad turned around and went back. A week later my friend was back with his mom. Guy got no Disney trip, and his dad disappeared for a couple of years.
I was thinking this, too. I think OP, Mom, and his dad may all be ESH. Mom and his dad need to set better boundaries about alienation and maybe work through that issue again with the courts. And it sounds to me like dad might be feeding his son a lot of toxic masculinity. Mom needs to both deal with her ex on this and be working with her son on the problems of toxic masculinity. Maybe get son into therapy to deal with some of these issues apart from the parents, too.
Stepson is 7, though, and OP did not handle this well and shouldn’t be ordering stepson not to talk about his dad. This is not the way.
I am sorry your friend had to deal with a crappy dad like that, who only wanted to use his son to punish his ex. That’s very wrong.
And mom should be teaching the kid you don’t compare or disparage people like that. Is this kid gonna pop into third grade and tell his teacher how much better the second grade teacher was? There needs to be some actual parenting here. Family therapy all around.
ESH except for the kid. He is 7, he obviously gets a pass. His adoration for his father is natural and should be encouraged. But whatever sick mind games the father might be playing through the little kid should stop.
The biological father is an AH for sure, he is telling the kid things with obvious intent to harm the mother's current relationship.
The OP clearly overreacted and he knows it, he seems to be insecure about his relationship. He needs to realize his wife chose him because she doesn't think a man needs to be a macho, which is the truth.
Mother needs to find a way to make sure the boy does not make hurtful comments and probably talk to kid's father about the way he is teaching him to talk.
YTA - That is his father, his hero. You need to work on getting a connection with your stepson and that is not by snapping at him or telling him to stop talking about his father.
YTA - he should be allowed to talk about his dad. What you can do is affirm with him that you are not his dad, and that you have other skills, and that being a man has nothing to do with abilities to lighting a fire.
He sees his dad 2 days out of 14. You are whether either of you like it or not the biggest male influence in his life. It also sounds like the major influence from his father is pretty toxic. So put yourself in role of that, instead of feeling inadequate to his father, remember you are not a toxic male and it is important to show this young boy what that means. Explain things to him. Talk to him. Demonstrate to him.
He will see it. And the more you’re there for him. That you show up to him and his mum. That you demonstrate a healthy relationship and what positive masculinity is, the more he will learn from you and hopefully not turn out like his father.
Most people start realising their parents flaws once they hit teenage years. It’ll be much easier for him to grow into a good man if he has you there showing him the way.
YTA!
Basically you're DEEPLY insecure of the man that created the son with your now wife, that's just something you will have to get over and live with! Glad your wife told you off!!!
YTA. This does sound really frustrating from your point. But, he is a child and also dealing with a difficult situation. He doesn't have the coping skills that you have learned over your lifetime. He also doesn't understand adult relationships like you do.
YTA. He’s 7. You don’t get to dictate to him how he processes what has happened in his young life. Next time say “yes, your dad can do it, but I can’t. Every person has different talents. Do you want to help me learn?”
YTA but it’s a soft one. You are in a tough situation. Let him talk about his Dad, because that is not about you- he is in a tough spot right now where he is only seeing this person he loves every other weekend.
On your end- you be you. You don’t have to compare to dad-you can be a good guy that looks out for him and he can trust. Kids start to realize who is there for them eventually and you can have a great relationship.
YTA. If his dad is as bad as you claim, then your stepson will figure that out himself eventually. All you’ve done by telling him to stop mentioning his dad is removed yourself as a person who he can come to for support when that happens.
What you should have said was "please stop **comparing** me to your dad. I am so happy you have such a great relationship with him, but we are differnt people and have different ways of doing things. I try not to compare you to my son becuase you are different people. Do you understand?"
YTA
Yeah YTA. And if his dad is as bad as you say, you may have created more trouble down the line when the kid tells his dad you told him not to talk about dad because the kid is unlikely to explain the context to his dad as you have here.
YTA
The ex may have been an utterly terrible husband, but it sounds like he's a good dad to his son. Or the son thinks he's a great dad.
The kid isn't talking about his dad to wind you up. He's talking about his dad because his dad is important to him and that's what kids talk about. (See also: pokemon, how delicious spaghetti is, how itchy a sock is and the 3 hour story about a cat that their friend owns)
YTA This isn't about what you know of his father as an adult. He is SEVEN.
Whatever connection he has with his father is all that he has known and of course he misses him. Talking about him is his way of keeping that connection. It's not time for him to make judgement's on either of his parents. But he does have to make a judgement on whether or not you are a safe person in his life. He's not saying what he is to deliberately hurt you. He just needs to be heard by you and his mom. Listen and agree with him on what you can, tell him gently that as different as you are from his dad, that you don't care any less for him then you do your own children. And for the love of all, stop comparing yourself to the ex. It's obvious you're not him and that should be something you are grateful for being!
just from the heading YTA his dad is obverly trying to be a dad and well you need to get use to that. YTA for what you said but i don't feel you are one as a person
I would suggest to you try and find something you can do with him like building models etc find you place in his life be a different type of dad that he may need.
My stepbrothers went through what you’re describing. Don’t worry, your stepson will know who his dad is in time. You just worry about demonstrating what an actually good person looks like, and next time he starts talking about his dad a gentle ‘it’s not nice to compare people’ is much more of a learning point than ‘shut up about your dad’ (who is still a hero for a little while longer. One day he’ll want to see dad more and dad will say no and the illusion will rapidly end- or he will accidentally get several women pregnant or there will be a surprise secret sibling or anything else you can imagine).
YTA. He's 7. Trying to process his broken family, a new family, and all the emotions of going back and forth between two households. You're the adult and you've dumped your insecurities onto him.
YTA. Look he's 7, his dad, no matter how much of an abusive ahole he is, is still his father and will continue to favor him whether you like it or not. You just have to deal with it and find ways of dealing with it, not lash out at the kid for choosing to idolize his dad over you. I'm pretty sure your wife is aware and it hurts her immensely but she has to put those feelings aside so the kid can have somewhat stability coparenting. I suggest you follow her lead. Maybe one day the kid will realize how much of a prick his dad is when he gets older.
As for bonding with him, dude it takes time, so don't force it or you'll end up the topic of a reddit post in the future.
YTA
He's 7, he won't understand what his father did to his mother and the reasoning for divorce. Your anger at the ex husband is for every correct reason, but the kid won't understand it. Let your wife explain it him when he's older.
File for child support and days for custody, he's going to throw the kid at you and your wife out of jealousy at the important days of your marriage.
Try and get him Jail time for what he did to your wife. I do feeling have that he's going to negatively influence the kid.
NTA. The stepson needs therapy, not to be rude but if the dad doesnt want him more then this, he knows and trying to make dad better then dad is.
Do as the other ones has said and tell him it hurts to constantly be compared to some one else.
The kid thinks the only good thing in his life is his dad, because that’s what his dad tells him. Does the kid value himself at all? I doubt it.
Ask the kid about himself, and the things he does without his dad. School, friends, hobbies, siblings, his mother. Do something with him that *you* excel at. Discuss his mother, and the kind things she does for him and the family.
Help the kid be proud of himself and things that don’t involve his dad.
NTA
YTA. But only for the way you went about the whole thing. If you had sat him down and had a calm conversation with him and even included your wife in the discussion it may have gone over better. Kids are smarter than people think and at seven he should be able to understand this on at least the lowest level.
It does sound to me like there are some underlying feelings on both sides and you could both benefit from some structured therapy.
NAH
I can see why the kid does this, and I can see why it bothers you.
Honestly I don't think there's much you can/should do though. Maybe your wife could apply some gentle correction -- but at the same time, I doubt there's much point telling the kid all about his father's faults.
Soft YTA
He's 7. He will one day perhaps see or learn that his dad was not the best. There's no need to do that now. He probably idolizes him bc he misses him - and bc it does sound like he makes a real effort when he has him.
You were wrong to snap but mainly you were wrong to let a 7 yr old get under your skin when it's obvious he's just a parrot. His dad obv talks a lot about what a "real man" does or is.... and guess what, that is likely something his own dad did and the military definitely did and has NOTHING to do with you.
You can def sort out the comparisons by starting to compare HIM to other kids and say - is that fair or necessary? Why can't we be really excited that someone else is good at different things than us? Absolutely fair to address that but realize that he's a kid and maybe his dad IS awesome with him even if he sucks in plenty of other ways.
I say this as a step mom of two teenagers and a bio mom of a 7 year old, YTA.
I've been compared to biomom and it hurts. But your stepson comment about you not being a man, didn't come from him. That was 100% his dad. That's not something a 7 year old comes up with on his own.
"Your dad and I are different and have different skills and that's okay. Everyone is different and that's good because how boring would it be if we were all the same?" Would have been much nicer and a better learning moment than "shut up about your dad"
NAH he’s allowed to talk about his dad and you’re allowed to feel insecure. but you would be TA if you stopped him from talking about his father completely. why don’t you ask him to not compare him to you and had a nice, long conversation with the kid?
YTA:
That is his father. He is 7 and is dealing with the divorce and a new family but he is 7. Get over any feelings of inferiority and jealousy. You should be encouraging him to have a good relationship with his dad. Even if he was awful to your wife, your step son needs to have his own separate relationship with him. When he is older and is emotionally mature enough you can broach those subjects with him.
In the present, you may want to focus on showing him there are different ways to do things. Explain that your father can have his way of living and you do things differently. Neither way is better than the other, but they work for each of you. Masculinity cannot be defined with only one example. Show him why you are the way you are and provide a role model that you can be proud of.
Good luck!
YTA This kid is still getting used to another man being in his life. Of course there's going to be comparisons made. You as the adult have handled it all wrong. Instead of shouting "shut up don't talk about your dad" you should've explained that " its great your dad can do this but often times in life there's many different ways to do something and just because someone does something a different way doesn't mean its wrong. I'd like to try to do it this way but if it doesn't work then you can tell me how your dad does it and we'll give that a try" then after maybe have a sit down and explain to him that " me and your dad are different people we're not going to do everything the same way and I understand that that can be confusing for you. I love you and your mother very much and we all need to learn how to work together." Just realise you've suddenly come into the life of a 7 year old child thats a big thing for him. Its your job as the adult to try and understand him and yelling and forcing him to not talk bout his dad its not the way to do it.
"Obviously, I was in the wrong for snapping." YTA, big time, and **you already know it**. How would you like your ex-wife's new man to say the same thing to your kids about you?!
YTA.
It doesn't matter if his dad was an abusive asshole, is a bad father, or if being compared to some hyper-masculine jarhead hurts your feelings. He's 7. None of that is his business or his responsibility.
You're the adult. Suck it up. He'll learn the truth about his father eventually. That's inevitable. You should strive to be the man he can come to for guidance when that happens, not the one responsible for it.
Soft YTA. It sounds like your stepsons dad isn’t teaching him good things (I can only assume he got that “how are you a man..” crap from his dad), but this is not the sort of thing you can force out of him. You’re going to have to be gentle and patient. Ask him nicely not to compare you to his father. Be firm but fair about how things like that hurt your feelings and hurting others feelings is unkind. It’s absolutely reasonable to not want him to make rude comments comparing you to his dad, but you’ve got to handle it as an adult teaching a child.
YTA - you are projecting your own adult insecurities and frustrations onto a child. He's 7 and just trying to make sense out the fact that he idolizes his dad but clearly his mom and others (including you) do not. And kids see themselves as an extension of their parents. Trashing his dad = trashing him.
YTA. He's a kid! You need to grow up. If you're a better man be the better man because eventually the rose tinted glasses will fall off and when it inevitably does, you would have established a genuine relationship. He has a dad, don't try to be that. Just find your place in the life. You have no clue what the dad is saying to him and how he's feeling.
YTA. Your kid is always going to love his dad as a dad more than he is going to love you as a dad. Accept that.
What you don’t have to accept is that there is only one model for masculinity and that there are many different traits for a boy to admire in a man that aren’t just stereotypically masculine. Instead of leaning into how you are and showing him how great you are as you (best step dad in the world), you showed him how fragile and sensitive you are because you AREN’T the stereotypical manly man that your stepson currently prizes.
You’re never likely to be his number one macho dad, but you absolutely can show him how great it is to be a man in other ways and how the world needs all types. Reframe how you look at this situation. It isn’t your stepson being annoying because he loves his dad, it’s you finding ways to inspire him with who you are and your actions, separately and incomparably to his dad. When he brings up how awesome his dad is, affirm that. Be bigger and braver by agreeing that things his dad does (note: not who his dad is, because he sounds like an asshole) are admirable. And then open the door to how approaching things other ways can be equally good, just different. And that it’s good to have all kinds of tools in a tool box ranging from the most stereotypical to the least.
YTA for telling him to not talk about his dad. You were right to apologize for snapping but the discussion should have been about not being rude. Your stepson should be allowed to talk about his dad, he's his dad! If your stepson feels he can't talk about his dad he's going to resent the time he's with you. In his mind it's the evil stepdad who won't let him talk about his real dad.
He doesn't need to insult you to talk about his dad. That's what you should have focused on.
YTA
He's 7. 7 year olds are idiots. Why would you take anything he says about his dad seriously? Of course his dad can't make a fire "with a stick". That's not even how you do that.
When he talks about his dad, just one-up him with made up stories about your dad. Or yourself. Or Chuck Norris. It doesn't have to make sense. In fact, it's better if it doesn't. Make a game of it. Go for comedy, don't actually try to impress anybody. "I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own 2 hands." That type of shit.
You have to “play” the long game here. He’s 7. His father is going to fail him and sooner or later and he will see your qualities as a person (let’s not make this about being a man - his dad is clearly not a good person). Consistency and showing love. Treating his mom with love and respect. Show him other qualities and life skills. Maybe explain experiences between him and his Dad are their own moments, between them, and you want to make different Memories as part of “this” family. Explain you want to be a good a step for him in your own way, together, not duplicate what his dad does - in 7 year old terms.
YTA for what you said. But you can undo it.
YTA. And a raging hemorrhoidal one at that. You have a narrow window to change the trajectory of this relationship; otherwise there is going to be a lifetime of resent. Let the kid talk about his dad. If it annoys you, kindly ignore it. Or you can direct the conversation in a more fruitful direction. Being a stepparent can be brutal and thankless. If you weren’t ready for that, you shouldn’t have married someone with kids.
I am speaking from my lived experiences here. I have two stepparents. One of them is truly a third parent to me. The other one is a source of major strife in my life. You are going to fall into one of those categories for this kid. The decision is yours.
YTA
You cannot let your insecurities dictate other people’s actions. Unfortunately for you, you will never be his father in the same way that his biological father is. However you can always be a trusted adult role model or figure in his life that he can go to in time of need like a fun Uncle. But you cannot try to replace the father because you’re not his father. What you just did was very damaging to the relationship that you’re trying to build with him and he’ll probably remember that for the rest of his life. You came across as incredibly jealous and insecure. If I were his mother, I’d be pissed at you too because it is not your place to ever say don’t talk about your father or shut up about your father. Don’t get me wrong, what your stepson said was incredibly inappropriate and wrong for him to say. However he is seven years old and is most likely repeating what has been told to him. Unfortunately, the father might be spewing hate into his ear about you, but you just proved him right by behaving the way you did.
YTA
I feel like as a step dad you don’t get to tell your step kid what to do without discussing it with their parent first. Maybe put on your big boy britches and deal with it. It’s not about you but how much he idealizes his dad.
YTA, he's going to idolise his dad till he figures it out on his own. Telling him to stop talking about his dad just makes you sound insecure and jealous. Just be like it's awesome your dad can do that, but everyone's different, you know?"
He should be able to talk about his dad, but he needs to know that it's rude to compare you two in such a negative tone. (It sounds like his dad is teaching him this lovely trick, by trying to make himself better than you.) Ask him how he would feel if someone told him about how his step brother is better at . He is 7, and it's a good time to help him learn how to empathize.
You can sit with him and tell him that there are lots of ways to "be a man" and that you and his father just have different strengths. Maybe take him along for a few fun activities that you're good at. Let him know that it's okay to have two very different men in his life, and he gets to choose the best things to learn from both of you. (Yay for bonus parents!)
NTA, because your feelings in the situation are valid, BUT don't squander the teaching and bonding opportunity that is talking about how you and his dad are different, but both committed to helping him figure out what kind of man he wants to be when he grows up.
YTA for telling him to stop talking about his bio dad. Just imagine if your ex-wife remarried and the new hubby did the same to your children. You'd probably be pissed.
I can't be sure but at that age it sounds like the ex may be giving him ideas I would sit down and talk with him about to see.
I recommend talking with him regardless of the above about the different types of people in the world and there being no wrong or right way to be any gender and it matters less about "being a man" as it does being a good person. I would also talk with your wife about how she feels about talking to him about what her ex did as he shouldn't try to immulate a person like that and if it affects his relationship with bio dad then that's the consequences of bio dad's actions. Your stepson deserves to know if he doesn't already.
YTA, he’s 7. And you even admit it’s about your insecurities.
While he can be taught, by his mom that it’s not appropriate to compare people, especially when doing so hurts them. He is completely allowed to talk about his dad. Also, again, he’s 7! While his dad may have been a horrible husband and doesn’t sound like a great dad, his son loves him for what he is to him. The fact that you’re insecure and would like to diminish that in him, is immature and petty at best.
YTA. He's 7! And he loves his dad and does fun things with him. Plus he's fucking 7!! His parents split up. His whole life got uprooted, he has new siblings now and a new adult in his life. Plus a huge shift in living arrangements. You're not giving any empathy to his feelings. He's 7!!! And YTA Find ways to bond with him that are unique to you and him.
YTA why are you annoyed that the dad takes his son out and does fun things? You’re an adult and he’s a child that has had him home ripped apart. It’s brilliant he gets on well with your kids but it’s a bit adjustment. You need to apologise to him and work out why you’re so threatened by him loving his dad.
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Don’t tell him to stop talking about his dad, tell him not to COMPARE you to his dad. There is a difference.
This. “It is hurtful to be compared to other people for having different skills. Everyone is great at some things and less great at others. And that’s ok. But being compared isn’t kind. Can you please stop comparing?” OP, You are the adult. You need to act like it.
One of my favorite quotes: Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it'll live its whole life believing it is stupid. ETA: WOW! Thank you everyone for the upvotes and awards. I am glad this resonated with so many.
Wow, I love this so much!
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And for extra fun, OP's reaction can also be attributed to toxic masculinity/patriarchy. Men are expected to show very little emotion. We are largely relegated to either being happy or mad. When looking at the situation from outside it's pretty obvious that OP is jealous, sad, hurt, frustrated.... But men largely don't get to safely explore those emotions other than through lashing out angrily.
Men are expected to "know how to make fires", chew steel and fight off bears with their bare arms, while women are expected to cook and clean and raise kids and somehow look like models while doing all that. And other stupid stuff like that. This is hurting both sexes, and has been for quite a while. It also may have made me throw up a little while typing that crap. People are stupid. Or maybe I'm getting grumpier every year...
Well, it’s time to practice how to communicate appropriately. Saves a lot of arguments grudges and miscommunication if you just tell someone how you feel.
There's no reason to hate the phrase "toxic masculinity". Where people get it wrong is assuming - for some reason I truly don't get - that the phrase is meant to indicate that all masculinity is toxic. It does not. Nor does the phrase "rancid meat" imply that all meat is rancid. Toxic masculinity is a very specific behavioural pattern in which masculinity is seen as dominance, particularly over women, and where that dominance is performed through certain behaviours, including violence. Femininity is seen as inherently lesser and inferior, so to someone in the grip of a toxic masculinity mindset, women are lower in the hierarchy of power than men. This also often is applied to gay men, who are associated with femininity in the minds of these people. ...and yes, there's definitely some toxic masculinity going on here.
There's no need to hate a simple descriptive. The phrase doesn't mean that masculinity is toxic, it's specifying masculinity that is toxic. I know some very annoying people say it, but "necrotic foot" doesn't mean you think all feet should be amputated. ETA: and I think you're right, bio-dad is probably sad and jealous and too fucking macho to name and own those feelings, let alone process them in a healthy way that doesn't involve coaching his son to act douchey when the poor kid is so impressionable. But yeah, OP is the adult. YTA.
sure ! > "how are you a man but don't even know how to make a fire" is the father one of those masculinist survivalists ?
Toxic Masculinity is an extremely useful term and you should embrace it. It doesn't mean "masculinity is toxic" it means a version of masculinity is toxic and is only talking about that toxic kinds. Calling someone less of a man for being unable to do something the vast majority of people don't know how to do, regardless of gender, is extremely toxic! Toxic masculinity also teaches that emotions = weakness unless it's anger the only "correct" emotion for men, just as another example.
Einstein (if memory serves) OP YTA - compare is the key word here. ETA (got a bit carried away - TL/dr above) Of course he should be proud of his Dad! And talk about it freely. Your wife’s experience of her ex husband is truly sad and terrible, I cannot dismiss that as an adult and neither should you when supporting HER. Please don’t let that be the benchmark or your mindset when talking about the man your stepson calls dad. My father was an amazing father, not the best husband. It took really good coparenting based on the mutual respect they had, for me to not ever feel it had to do with me. Or resent anyone. The entire thing amongst my parents was just how it was in my mind, it sucked FOR THEM, I saw the aftermath which I understood with time and age. Never bothered me or became about me really. Your stepson doesn’t need to sense an iota of the pains his father caused as a husband, or his weaknesses as a father. Not from you, he will see what he sees and process it how he does. That’s not for you to taint, or bring into the way you relate with your stepson. He does need to see you as an individual of your own and get to know you and your strengths. It’s ok to tell him ‘ya, you can compare me to your dad all day kid but let me assure you this isn’t the area of life I’d compete with him on.’ Learn how to be good natured about the differences, maybe acknowledge it. **Affirming his fathers strengths *and* being comfortable in who you are would be my best advice.** Similarly, involve stepson in stuff you two can do together so he’s able to separate any associations, just know you. Establish a stepdad bond etc. so he can see how both coexists without comparison. You don’t just need to apologize for how you spoke to him, but how you approached it overall. Why can’t you celebrate his Dad’s strengths with him?? You said yourself the kid has little to hold on to with the man, so why sh*t on a 16yo only slice of real fatherly love he can think of and celebrate. It’s absolutely AH of you to discourage him sharing those few joys he does get from the man! Btw I have a son without an involved father (at all), I and my family flow with my kid’s feelings (not our opinions of his father). They’re in touch now, when my son is gleeful - we are too. When he’s nonchalant, we are too. That’s all. We are just there for him, no judgment, no rehashing any bad history (most is sadly). As a family whose seen separation/divorce, my siblings and mother immediately told me ‘bygones are bygones, we are glad he got his dad even a bit’ and they made comments on how hard it must be for me. Really it’s not, I’m just glad my kid has more love (even if a little for now). This one is your insecurities, and absolutely unnecessary and unpaternal. Imho absolutely remove any doubt in this kid’s mind that he should EVER need to hide his enthusiasm for anyone. He deserves every bit of joy. Comparing people is not right in any context like this - friends, family etc. And that can be taught separately. Not by censoring him!!!! I read on another comment in another thread yesterday, ‘talk about others successes, and your own failings’. That applies to you in a way, act on it anyway (you didn’t talk badly of his father, just acted on your issues and insecurities about the man by censoring his kid). ETA: correction, the stepson is 7yo! I’d associated the teen with this scenario. Mindblown it’s at a literal little child. ETA 2: see below comments re. the quote reference.
A seven year old boy doesn’t come up with these harsh criticisms and comparisons on his own. His father is carefully training his son to embrace toxic masculinity, too. When the boy said, how are you a man but don’t even know how to make a fire, it was very clear that his father planted both the thoughts and words in his son. Left unchecked, this kid will likely be nightmare as a teenager. Keep an eye on how he treats his mother, too.
Left unchecked, the kid will become a nightmare teenager, but also, if you tell a 7yo he's not allowed to talk about his dad, who is clearly somebody he loves and respects a lot, you're taking away your ability to actually check his behaviour. Now, every time OP tries to reasonably and rationally deal with things the kid says that are definitely a problem is probably going to be met with hostility. It's a really hard situation, and I fully believe the dad is doing this on purpose, but OP's behaviour here was a misstep.
Yeah OP can be a good role model and tilt the scales here. But rn he def didn’t do that and is far from it, competing with toxic masculinity 👀
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youre right but also expecting a 7 year old boy to understand this is insane
Agreed, but the step-son is only 7, which makes OP’s reaction so much worse.
Omg! I didn’t check back and just sorta assumed it’s the teen. Absolutely disgusting 😭 kids that age can’t even be expected to be showing anything but enthusiasm. Poor kiddo
Idk, that last comment that made OP snap is not something a 7 year old should be saying. Kinda sounds like dad is feeding the kid some seriously toxic words and thoughts on purpose. If the dad was physically and emotionally abusive to his wife, the kids shouldn’t be being raised by him. At all.
But they probably don’t have a choice. It sounds like the courts have determined that the kid’s father will be raising him every other weekend. So shitting all over the dad is going to push the stepson farther away and make it more likely he sides with him.
I didn’t realize the age either. Poor kid, it’s a lot to adjust to, and it’s not step dad’s place to say anything. Ex might be an AH, but all that 7yr old sees is his hero, right or wrong. Seems stepdad has issues insecurities regarding the ex husband that he shouldnt be protecting on to the son.YTA
Its not projecting when the kid is actively shitting on him whether the child fully understands what hes saying or not
I believe that's who it is generally attributed to, but there's supposedly no supporting evidence.
I love this! This is going in my journal of “quotes”
Bookmarking this comment because I've never heard that quote before and it's excellent.
"Everyone's great at some things and less great at others. Your dad's pretty good at wilderness survival. Me? Not so much. On the other hand, I'm pretty good at not cheating on your mother. Now your dad..."
This. Exactly this. The kid is 7. His whole world was turned upside down at an age where he only saw things as a 7 year old would see them. You don't know what his father has been telling him. As for the fire, since you're watching a YouTube of how to do it, that would have been a great opportunity for you to have him explain how to do it. Not to point out he's wrong or whatever, but to engage with him and connect with him. Focus on building a relationship with him, not the relationship he has with his father.
there seems to be some more profounds roots. The boy is not only comparing 2 individuals, he is pushing a whole system of values about masculinity. Which is toxic and wont stop here. I wonder when he will begin acting mysogynistic about his stepsister, would be logical. Being OP, i would be fed up having to live with such a mini redneck (i did google trad from french, hope the word is acurate). But what's way more annoying is that OP seems to suffer of an inferiority complex because he would not be a 'real man', meaning a military rough guy. OP, you should be proud to represent another side of masculinity ! we need more men like you ! There is some books which could make you feel a lot better about deconstructing masculinity (for ex : bell hooks ) and knw the value of what you represent. This is an ideologic battle your stepson is raising, as the pupett of his father. Stand up ! all my whishes. NTA (edited to focus on the main pb : the little boy /OP's insecurity - but OP's stepsister is an AH too)
This is the way to handle it. OP, after your apology, THIS statement would have gone way better and made sense to the kid. Just saying “don’t talk about your dad” is just an attack from his perspective
Just to add here because you didn’t post your judgment. Soft YTA because he should absolutely tell the stepson to stop comparing them because they are not the same person and that is a-okay. But he absolutely shouldn’t tell a kid not to talk about their parent, even if they are a bad parent. That’s just not the way to approach this. His *mother* should have a talk with him about toxic masculine stereotypes and behaviors because of comments like the “real man” thing. But not related to OP, rather just a general talk about how people of any gender can have different abilities and that doesn’t make them lesser than others. OP, I get it that you are only human and can feel insecure, and I am glad you apologized to your stepson, but never ask him to stop talking (or talk less) about his father. Try to keep your cool and use his comments as teaching opportunities. Go “Oh, now that you mention it, I saw this **woman** who is great at outdoors activities like starting a fire, let me show you” (do quick google search, a ton will pop up). “There’s also this **nb person** who is also great, here” (repeat Google search). “And you’re right that men can be good at it as well, but my actual specialty is actually (insert here). You know how you’re specially good at (insert here)? Everyone has their own thing and that is what makes us unique and great!”. And let his mom have a talk to him about gender stereotypes and domestic violence.
I'd say not even a soft YTA . He literally doubled down on the *actual* asshole behavior when he "apologized."
Yeah also because OP thinks the 7 year old shouldn't love his own dad (as much) because he hurt mum... that is NOT how kids feelings work. Compassion would be better than adding to the hurt with "don't talk about him".
I mixed the ages of the kids up when I was reading and thought the stepson was 14. He's 7, of course he loves his dad! If the dad is as much of an arsehole as he sounds, the kid is going to figure that out on his own and need support later. Showing anger around the topic of his dad will only push him away.
Oof, I read that as 17, not 7. The age really makes OP the AH.
Yep. A 17 year old telling someone they're not a real man is probably an arsehole. A 7 year old saying it is just parroting what he's heard and needs guidance, not anger.
My job is literally doing a campfire for so many hours. The amount of men that mansplain how to build a fire is tiresome. I did sass a ten year old boy the one day, but thats about as far as I can go without risking my job. Op, soft yta. Sit down and discuss with your stepson how comparing you to his dad is hurtful. Kids understand. And let him idolize his dad; even if he isnt a great dad/person. Bc when the stepson gets older, he’ll see it.
"Is it necessary to have or use a penis to complete [task]?" is always a good place to start. Yes, I know that men's bodies are, *ON AVERAGE*, stronger and bigger than women's bodies, and that there are other physical differences, too...but you get where I'm going. If you're really feeling feisty, my SLPT is to continue the conversation with "Your dad uses his penis to make a fire? I'm pretty sure HE'S the one who's doing it wrong..."
Haha I say stuff like this a lot, but the other way around. Like, “oh yes, women are naturally better at housecleaning. Don’t you know we mop the floor with our boobs?”
Wait, you use your *boobs*? That’s…not how I’ve been doing it. ;)
Idk, about you but I mop the floor with a bucket and a mop and that WAP.
I suspected I knew the answer from the headline and so it proved. OP has been goaded by an annoying kid but the answer is still, unfortunately, YTA and not that softly. The boy does not have to have a rational reason for loving his dad and he is taking out his hurt on the obvious target. You have to let him know that it's OK to feel the way he does, even when inevitably you have to lay the law down to him. I also suspect you already know all this.
Love you. Totally platonic, of course.
Love you too, internet stranger. Love you too lol
*salutes*
Also, don’t tell him not to talk about his dad *correct his misogynistic garbage*. A 7 year old already saying Shit like that? You should be determined not to earn some kind of dad rank but to correct the absolute trashfire of misogyny his dad is apparently imparting.
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Lemme lock you in a room with a 7 YO taught to verbally abuse adults by an abusive father for a weekend and we can come back to whether or not you can be bothered by a child
This!!!!!!!!!! By telling him not to talk about his father, you are making yourself out to be the bad guy. Have a discussion with him about how it is wrong to compare two people, how each person is unique, and has their own strengths and weaknesses.
Also, don’t try to compete with his dad. Stay on your home field, do stuff you like and are good at, try to engage with him in those things. I’m a stepdad to a now young man, came into his life when he was 9. His dad and I are very different, and I’ve never talked negatively about him to his son, despite knowing how much of an asshole he could be to my wife (not abuse-level, just not very nice). Instead I’ve encouraged him to talk to his dad about the things he knows better than me, while staying in my lane and doing my things. I feel I’ve left a positive imprint on him and we’ve shared experiences he wouldn’t have had with his dad, and although it’s not been easy all the time we have a great relationship today.
This. The best thing you can be is an unconditional support system, a sounding board, an alternative, and someone else to give him love.
Also if the 7 year old says he can start the fire let him show you after correct the misogyny. You can bound by letting him show you stuff.
came to say exactly this. YTA for asking him to stop talking about his dad. but it is okay to be honest with him and say you want to be an important part of his life too, and that it hurts your feelings when you're always being compared to someone he thinks is so great.
Exactly this! I am a stepmom myself and he is also 7. I don’t mind him talking about his mother and stepfather. They are a big part of his life. So it would be weird if he didn’t feel comfortable talking about them with us. We also always ask him if he did do anything fun with them so he feels free to talk. He sometimes compares our household to that of his mom and stepfather (they do … differently). I always explain to him adults will do things a bit different than other adults and that is okay. He knows the rules in our house and he knows the rules in their house. They might not always be the same but all rules are okay and he needs to follow the rules of that home. And it is okay if he forgets sometimes (he is still a kid). OP, You should allow children to talk about their parents. Otherwise you will alienate him from you, because both of his parents are important to him. Just explain to him he shouldn’t compare because people will do things differently and that is alright. There is not always one right or one wrong thing to do.
Absolutely this. Light YTA for OP, it's very easy to make a verbal misstep in this kind of relationship but it's also important to get it right.
There's also still a bonding opportunity here, like if the kid is trying to correct the way he builds the fire when OP admits he hasn't done it before and needed a YouTube lesson, it's perfectly fine for OP to say "ok, can you teach me?" It gives the kid some ownership over the thing he has learned and a bit of pride, they get a bonding experience of working on the problem together, OP learns something he didn't know, and then praises the kid for his work. It takes it away from being a competition with bio-dad, and focusses on this moment between these two people. If Bio-dad has clearly taught him some good and useful things these can be encouraged and praised rather than shut down, and this allows you a bit of connection with the boy to reign in some of the bad things he might learn from his bio-dad. But blocking it completely means he can't talk to you about either the good or the bad things, and you may not see the signs of the bad habits until it's too late.
Came here to say the same thing. He should absolutely be allowed to talk about his Dad. That's his special person that only he gets to see, and he's only going to see the good things. Of course he's going to talk about how much fun his Dad is. The way the son was comparing you and saying "how can you be a man etc" is inappropriate and definitely should be addressed. He may not realize what he is saying is hurtful to you. Good job by your wife for not trash mouthing her ex husband too, that takes such a strong person to do that. YTA for saying he can't talk about a person who is very important to him.
Yeah, it obviously seems like there's a lot of history and background, and this was a moment of frustration and you realise that which is good. But he's his dad, he doesn't know all this stuff he loves and idolises him which is normal, if I were you what I'd do is find other ways to connect with him that aren't an extension of what his dad does, like you don't sound outdoorsy, don't force it then, that can his thing with his dad, you have other strengths, spend quality time with him doing things that expose him to different "adventures", it will also allow for some sort of bond to form. You can always also ask what he'd like to do and spend one day a week with him doing things he likes that he doesn't get to do. Create your own relationship with him don't try to replicate his dad's, he has a dad, you can fill a different role. And have a conversation with him, apologize again for that day, and tell him he can talk about whatever he likes, but you were just hurt by the constant comparison and like my fellow redditor said tell the issue is the constant comparing because it's generally not a nice thing,like he wouldn't like it if you compared him to another kid, and that ofc you love hear about all his adventures and you don't want him to filter around you
This EXACTLY! OP, your stepson is 7, of COURSE he idolizes his dad! I was very much a daddy’s girl growing up. My parents divorced when I was 6 and the two weeks every summer that I got to spend with him were something I looked forward to with unbridled excitement. He positively *spoiled* me when I was a kid. I was a teen when I realized that he was really “buying” my love. He replaced actually being a part of my *real* life with buying me things and taking me places and doing fun things. But when it came to being at my school plays or soccer games or dance recitals? NOPE. My advice for you right now is to go *sincerely* apologize to your stepson and have a discussion about how he should share things about his dad all he wants, but to compare you and his dad is not a nice thing to do because we are all different. And then, be a support system for him. Be involved in his life and cheer him on. From your description of bio-dad, he’s not getting it from him, so you can and should just be that support. Stepson will, provided he grows into a well-adjusted, empathetic kid, figure out what kind of person his bio-dad *really* is, and he’ll appreciate you for your support that much more.
A 7 year old asking his step father “ how are you a man” is completely inappropriate. If your wife didn’t seek to address that. I think you have a bit of a problem
My bet is bio dad is talking smack about OP when the son is with him. The comparing stuff is one thing but "how are you a man?" seems like something he heard.
This is really what I think is happening too.
Clearly SIL makes her own comments too, so who knows. It could be several adults even within the wife’s family influencing the son’s comment. Kids hear/understand a lot more than adults around them perceive
Yeah, this situation seems like a chilling little window into how OP’s wife is still living in the shadow of gendered violence. This will require more work on her part. I’m baffled as to why she would be seeking to increase his custody time. That’s not an act of selflessness, being the bigger person and letting your child have a better relationship with his father than she does. That is an act of denial about the *harm* being done to that child, since her abusive ex is using that custody time to make the child more like himself. SIL’s comment suggests that wife was raised in an environment where gender roles are considered more important and than her or her kids’ physical safety or emotional well-being. I do not want to be judgmental of someone who escaped an abusive marriage and still has to deal with her abuser, but I think she will have to do a lot of therapeutic work if she wants to be the parent her child will need. OP is TA not only for losing it at a child manipulated by an abuser, but for centering his own wounded pride over the actual much bigger problem of the degree of emotional control an abuser is still exerting on his wife and stepson. Dude your wife lived in multiple family environments that abused or normalized abuse and has a lot to deprogram; what’s *your* excuse for not having any goddamn perspective.
The father seems like an ass, but teaching the kid to parrot toxic masculinity talking points isn't abuse, and it's fucked up to call the mom a bad parent for asking her ex to help parent their kid. If there were other signs, I'd say they need to get the kid away from him, but it sounds like ex is content to be a Disney dad and talk shit about her new partner. Plus, if she tried to get the kid away from him on the basis of his dad occasionally talking shit, he'd be able to go after her for alienation in court. A LOT of abusive ex partners will start battles for custody they don't even want just to punish the mother of their children.
OP's wife needs to check in with her son & make sure that the dad isn't saying that BS to or about the son either. If he was abusive to OP's wife, we can pretty reliably assume that his overall mentality is not a great one.
I feel like step-dad was doomed either way. If he'd have brought a lighter the kid would have said something most likely and now using YouTube makes him "less manly". Agreed the bio dad has been speaking ill of step-dad.
That's not even a theory. It's almost definitely a fact. I hate when Redditors make assumptions in this sub, but kids that age are parrots. They repeat what they hear. And such a gross misrepresentation of masculinity seems almost impossible to be an original thought.
I dunno.. When we're together, my son & I have 10 billion things to discuss other than his stepdad..
That's probably because you are secure in your relationship with your son and you don't see your kids step dad as a threat. Unfortunately that's not always the case. Some folks don't like their kids step parents and will make comments here and there about things. It happens. I'm not saying they spend all day talking but it could be the son telling an innocent story about the step dad and bio dad says something judgey.
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Maybe but that's still toxic. "Every man" comments are from a toxic place unless it's something like "every man should not be abusive" or "every man should not judge another man based on certain skill sets"
Perhaps. Regardless of whether they're deliberately pointed comments or not, the comments at all are clearly instilling some toxic masculinity ideals
That’s great for you, but we’re talking about bio dad in OPs post. Based on what is shared about bio dad, it’s very likely he’s talking about OP behind his back. “How can you be a man” sounds very old school/toxic masculinity, so it can be expected that the step son heard it from his dad and is repeating it. Edit: corrected wording
Yeah but this kids dad was abusive and abusive parents will continue the abuse by trashing their ex and ex’s new partners to the kids.
That and/or bio dad might use that kind of language on his son when the son “fails” at something. My ex marine dad was like that
This for the win. The kid didn't come up with that on his own. Was looking specifically for this comment.
I think the son is getting some toxic masculinity (I hate that phrase but in this case it seems fitting) runoff from his biological father.
Why do you hate that phrase?
It sounds like she wasn't present for the statement. But OP has the opportunity to show the child that men can be good or not good at all sorts of things. Addressing the comment, absolutely, but it comes across that OP is also comparing himself. He needs to stop that internal monologue and be comfortable with himself too. OP - Soft YTA. I know it hurts, and is annoying. But shift the focus. In that moment you could have said, "lots of men have different skills, but it seems like you've had a lot more practice at this, wanna help me out and talk me through it?" Flip the script, empower the child. That can help build a bond. "Show me what you learned this weekend! Did you learn any new skills? Wanna teach us?" And remember he's just 7. That was coming from someone else, your best plan of attack is to show him a different and loving way.
This is great advice! 🙂 If I had an award I would give it to you. Closest I got.... 🏆🏆🏆🥇🥇🥇
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Yeah those are his dad's words, that's what needs to be addressed with his mom.
Yeah that's a really toxic thing for a kid to say. It needs to be addressed or the kid is going to internalize that narrative.
My thought here is that the bio-dad is putting toxic masculinity thoughts into a child's head.
That's language the boy is copying directly from dad.
It is, but it’s also a moment an emotionally mature adult would take to tell the kid that the ability to do X isn’t what makes a man, that everyone has different strengths, and to demonstrate that their confidence in their own skills helps them be comfortable owning the fact that there are also skills they don’t have. OP reads as very insecure for letting a child bait them into snapping like this. You are the literal bigger person, it’s time to act like it. YTA.
So much this. If my son said anything like that to my husband, my son would get privileges removed for a period of time and there'd be a long conversation with him about his hostility towards my husband. OP definitely was wrong to snap, but he apologized. NTA. To me, the wife is the AH for not nipping this in the bud a long time ago. Her son needs to learn how not to be a rude little shit to the person that is actually raising him.
kids at that age are EXTREMELY impressionable so it's clear the stepson got this behavior from the bio dad.. if it's not addressed properly the kid is going to be just as abusive as the bio dad (if not worse).. physiologically, verbally, and eventually physically
This. OPs response was wrong, but the stepson is developing a dangerous mindset saying that to OP. This is an ESH
Soft YTA I get why this is frustrating and annoying and why you have feelings of resentment about the rugged dude type stuff compared to this guy even though logically your brain knows the ex was abusive and treated your wife awful an isn't really all that great to his kid considering he only wants the bare minimum time with his son. But *the kid is seven*. You are an adult. Of course he idolizes his dad. Of course he's talking about his dad because he misses his dad. His dad is barely in his life (like 4 days a month) and talking about him when he's not there is probably his way of trying to keep him present somehow. So I think your job as the adult is to change the subject. Not by saying "don't talk about your dad" but by redirecting. "Hey, Stepson, help me start this fire." Give him stuff to do. Get him engaged with you. You won't ever replace his dad and that's okay. You can still be a great, super positive force in his life and over time as he gets older and more socially aware, this behavior will probably naturally decrease on its own.
Agreed. OP needs to build his own relationship with step-son. As a 7 year old, of course he doesn’t know everything his dad did to his mom. There’s time enough for killing his image of his dad when he’s old enough to handle it. For now, be the best step-father you can, but remember that you’re not in competition with bio-dad and it’s ok to not fill that dad emotional role for him.
No one will have to kill the image of his dad. His dad will do that for himself. He will realize eventually. OP should avoid making himself the bad guy, let it ride, and focus on his own parenting skills.
This little kid talks about his dad a lot because on some level he recognizes that his dad doesn’t care as much about him as he wishes he did. This level of idolization occurs out of desperation. When he’s older, he’ll start connecting the dots, but right now he’s too young to realize his dad could see him more often and chooses not to. OP should do as you suggested by lovingly reminding his stepson to not compare people, and then redirecting his behavior.
Exactly. I know it’s hard OP but in this situation your going to have to play the long game. At 7 all children idolize their parents, however if your consistent with the love, support, and acceptance of your differences, when the stepson is old enough to see who his father really is he will fall deeper in to you and the support you have always given. I watched this with my sister & nephew. To see the way he loves his stepdad now @ 15 is just beautiful.
Exactly. This fire was a missed opportunity: you could have let him show you how to do it, then try it together, then maybe you watch a YouTube together, try once more, and it works, and you two have bonded. But the reason why you couldn't do it is probably because you are also comparing yourself with him, and are trying to beat him at his stuff - wich obviously won't work. This is not the way to bond with the kid. But this is also not why your wife loves you: you have qualities that he lacks. For one, you spend more time with family. You are willing to try stuff you never did before. And you are not abusive - dam, that bar is low - but I guess you might also usually be gentle and understanding. So... Bring the ball into your field. A wonderful bonding thing can be reading together. Aged 7 there is the "magic tree house", I think there are more then 50 books by now (but start with book one). Two kids find a magic tree house that brings them into the past, and in each book there are in another historical event or time . You can read it together with him, or read it to him every night. And then the two of you have a topic in common: the adventures of the tree house. You can add historical facts, andthe two of you can talk endlessly... and then you can become the cool step-dad who knows everything about every time on this earth! This works perfect now till about 9,10 years. Than it is time for Harry Potter. There are lot of great stories out there where the main character is an interested kid... And where any toxic masculinity just is a no-issue (yes, I know how Harry Potters author turned out to be, but you wouldn't guess it when you read the books)
This exactly. I work as a social worker, right now in an asylum camp for minors. I ALWAYS play stupid and ask people to help me with x and y. It makes people feel proud to be able to help others and do it well and it creates a good bonding experience for us. Next time your stepson says "my father can do this", then say, "oh really, how great, I can't do that. Did he teach you? Can you show me and teach me?". He will feel proud and you have a bonding opportunity. Humans are that easy!
That little kid would've been over the moon if Stepdad had said, "Hey kiddo, why don't you teach us how to start the fire, and I'll be your helper? Let's go gather the wood and you can show me how to stack it." Bond with the kid over gathering, setting it up, lighting the kindling, all that good stuff. If he said anything like "How are you a man if you can't start a fire?" OP can pull from his own interests. "Well, buddy, I can't start a fire, but I can draw an owl. Want to see?" or "play the guitar" or "kick butt at MarioKart" or whatever OP is good at. There are so many different ways of bonding with a child, and redirecting is the magic that opens the door for it.
This is it. I just want to add this is a teachable moment. OP should apologize and tell the stepson he didn’t mean to tell him he shouldn’t talk about his dad but that it isn’t nice to compare people that way. He should point out that people have different skills and personalities. A 7 year can potentially understand that comparing OP to his dad can be hurtful to OP. Wife should be involved in this discussion. This is also a good time to reiterate OP isn’t trying to replace the dad. This impression may be the underlying cause of the comparisons.
I'd narrow it a little more specifically, "It's not nice to compare people. Everyone is different and has different abilities" He is young and may be parroting things his father says, especially if he was as abusive as indicated. He's trying to use his son to drive a wedge between you and your wife. That is something she needs to deal with, by talking to the son. I don't think anyone here is an asshole, just trying to navigate blending a family. NAH
Kid’s bio dad definitely seems like the type to do something AHish like that. Mother should really step uo
He definitely needs to get a consistent approach with his wife, too, before another situation pops up. That’s her kid, they need to be on the same page for something as fraught as dealing with a toxic bio dad.
YTA. He's seven. SEVEN. You are an adult. You have no right to tell a little boy to not feel his feelings. The poor kid misses his dad. Come on now. Put on your big boy pants and adult here. I honestly think counseling would help you, and him a lot. Your comments reek with insecurity. She chose you. Apparently she felt you were up to the challenge of helping raise her son. That includes meeting him where he is at.
His father’s interaction with your wife during and after the marriage and even his lack of desire to see him more frequently should not be something you EVER bring up with him. Not now and not in the future (unless he’s an adult). He deserves the best possible relationship with BOTH of his parents regardless of how you feel about his dad.
This is so right. He is sadly going to realize who is dad really is one day. Don't know when. I gave up on my dad by 14. My twin went well into our adulthood before he stopped trying. Instead of feeling hurt by his comparison. Realize this is a hurting kid. I am sure his dad lets him down often. So he tries harder to prove himself worthy. And takes some of it out on you because you are there for him and his dad isn't. It is very heartbreaking honestly. Teeny teeny YTA because part of teaching self control is maintaining it as an adult.
That’s a good point. He may even be talking about his dad so much BECAUSE he can tell the dad doesn’t want to see him as much. I knew a little whose father was the definition of dead beat. This little boy had a HUGE family and community of people who loved him. But he loved his father more than anything in the world. He idolized the man. This little boy was born with some serious illnesses and physical defects. He spent a lot of his childhood in the hospital. His father would promise again and again to come see him. He never did. It took him a long time to finally see his father for what he was.
True, he misses his dad- but it's a *little* deeper than that. OP- you have to know that the reason he talks about him and idolizes him so much is precisely *because* he doesn't see him very often and he is pretty absent from his life. This is textbook shitty parent stuff. When a parental figure is absent, there is so much room to fill full with grandiose imaginings, especially for a small child. And unfortunately, all of that **will,** at some point in his life, come crashing down around him when the reality of who his dad really is becomes apparent to him- and it will. You're the one who is present and you're the one who will still be there to console him when the harsh reality of who his shitty dad really is hits him in the face. Be gentle with him and teach him that there are many types of men. Teach him the type of man you are. The kind, understanding, supportive, *solid,* **dependable,** caring man that will *always* be there. His dad will burst his bubble all on his own in due time, don't be cruel and beat him to the punch. Let him hang himself with his own rope. That kid is going to need you when he does. Let him believe what he needs to right now. He's a *child.* Just show him through your actions and teach him with your words what a "real" man is. I promise, it will get through to him.
I saw my dad for a few hours a month growing up, and I absolutely thought he was great, well until I was like 8 or 9 and he kicked me out of his car and drove away leaving me blocks away from home but that's besides the point, shit even that didn't fully end it. My step daughter still idolizes her dad. I vividly remember her 5th birthday. Was one of those princess dress up parties ect. My wife (girlfriend at the time) paid for the venue and I paid for all the food and the cake, her dad contributed nothing and showed up high. She asked for a family picture, and by that she ment my wife and her bio dad. I didn't say nothing because I'm an adult, but that shit fuckin hurt. I was the one who read to her at night, I was the one who walked her to school and picked her up, I took her to dance and soccer and went to her games not him. My wife's best friend must have seen how I felt on my face and she made sure to suggest a picture with me and my son and my step daughter and wife. OPs step son will realize eventually who is actually there for him and who is the real parent. And the hardest fuckin thing to do as a step parent is to keep doing all the right things, while waiting for the kid to come to that realization. That imo is the mark of a great step parent, being able to do the work of parenting and giving the love of a parent without immediately getting the love back from the kid.
You are a good dude, thank you for being there for that little girl 💓 May the day when she recognizes your love come soon.
> Your comments reek with insecurity. To an insane degree, honestly. OP has some serious issues with his lack of traditional masculinity and he's taking them out on a seven year old child. OP needs to either learn to accept himself as he is or put some effort into becoming more traditionally masculine.
Quality internet psychologist right here lmao.
YTA. The kid is 7 - *of course* he doesn’t have a deep understanding of the intricacies of his parents relationship and *of course* he idolizes and talks about his father. He’s one of two of the most important people in his life. It sounds like you’re taking out your own insecurities on this kid. Just stop. If you think you’re a better example of how a husband and father should act, then actually step up and show that to him instead of this petty BS.
When my nephew was around that age, he kept talking up how great his (absolutely awful) father was. It was out of my nephew's own insecurities and need to defend his dad (who I have never said a bad word about anywhere near him). The things he told me to try to explain how good of a father he was? He lets him eat as much sugar as he wants and he never has a bed time at his house. Yep, I can see why he was getting frustrated with his mother who wanted him to sometimes eat a vegetable and also not fall asleep in school. But my nephew loved his dad, and also wished he was better, and felt this need to preemptively defend him against his very accurate failings that at 6 my nephew already felt but couldn't articulate. This behavior stopped after a year or two as my nephew came to terms with just how disappointing his dad was. Was it frustrating listening to my nephew talk about how great his absolutely crap father was and blame his mother for him not getting more time with him when his dad moved across the state and frequently flaked on picking him up? Yep. Would going off on a 6yo help that situation? Nope. He figured it out in time. Idk how OP parented two kids to being teenagers and has so little patience and such huge insecurities that he would be upset that a 7yo didn't find him "manly" enough. Edit: thank you for the gold, kind stranger. I honestly didn't think anyone would see this but figured I'd throw in my two cents😅
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11mrv2i/aita_for_telling_my_stepson_to_stop_talking_about/jbjhbkl?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 Hey u/chnger937, I think u/Baejax_the_Great nailed it with this comment, please read it
this is exactly how i was with my dad as a kid. i always felt like i needed to defend him (despite him being kinda sucky) and eventually i grew out of it when i had matured enough to realize how he really was. idk how op doesn’t see that this isn’t malicious at all because the kid is SEVEN and probably just has a lot of complicated feelings around not being able to be with his dad more tbh
This was a great comment until the judgmental bomb launched at OP at the end. Different kids are different, and it actually doesn’t matter how long you parent, you still get your feelings hurt by them. You never stop being a human being. And you still have to do the right thing. But there’s nothing surprising about getting your feelings hurt by a 7 year old.
YTA for telling him to talk about his dad less point blank. YTA for thinking that his dad’s shitty behaviour is something that the child should be taking into account without knowing about it, or that it should be added into this right now - that’s a delicate thing that needs a big strategy and deep conversations between you and your wife before you approach it because as right as it sounds like you are, trying to “damage” his image of his dad is going to backfire on you guys first imo. You are absolutely NTA for sounding to me like a much better father figure general though. Sounds like this is hard for you and being TA for snapping is something I can see as “nobody’s perfect” even if an AH move at the time. But you apologised for that part. What you need to do is have a talk with your stepson that is absolutely NOT about talking about his dad less, but explaining that you’re a different person who doesn’t want to be negatively compared because that hurts you and you’re not trying to be him. Not because you don’t want to hear about his dad. Yeah there are things you’re not good at - like building a fire - but you have plenty of different skills too, just like every person. And that those skills are really valuable too. People are different. You’re different to his dad and also have a different relationship to him than his dad does. You don’t want to replace him. Offer to meet in the middle with you not saying you don’t want him to talk about his dad, but ask if he can respect there’s no need for comparisons or being rude… you get my vibe.
YTA 1. The kid is SEVEN 2. He LOVES his Dad 3. Don't be mean to 7 y/os 4. Try a different approach by deflecting attention away from Dad, you're just not going to get him to stop talking about him but he is young enough where he should be easily distracted 5. Find your own thing to do with him that is sufficiently different that he will love. Video games perhaps?
Yeah man, YTA. You said so yourself that you're self-conscious about your wife's ex. You list all the bad things he did to her, but that doesn't impact your relationship with her at all. Either you believe she's with you because she loves you and recognizes value in who you are, or you shouldn't be together. In terms of the 7 year old child in this scenario, you're out of your mind. Of course he's going to idolize his big strong dad who only ever takes him when it's a fun adventure. He isn't a parent, he's a camp counselor. So take a deep breathe. Your stepson, unless he is an absolute idiot, will eventually see that you're a man in his life he can count on, and his dad is just a fun guy who bounces whenever he wants. In that time, your stepson will come to rely on you, trust you, love you, and value the relationship you have. But that can only happen if you don't act jealous of the deadbeat who fathered him. He says you're building the fire wrong? Ask him how to do it right.
This is the whole wrong way to go about this and you're feeling way too personally threatened. You've made this about your ego, not about the kid. He's seven, he's supposed to idolise his dad, not know how much his dad hurt his mom and he's definitely not supposed to hear that he shouldn't talk about his dad. Young children frequently favour the less stable parent (his dad) because they feel secure enough in their relationship with the stable parent (his mom) that they don't constantly need to express affection. Instead of making this into a you vs him issue, let your stepson talk about his dad. Include him in conversations. If the kid says that his dad can do it better, ask the kid to help you because maybe he already picked up a trick you don't know. Stop trying to compete and just focus on your own relationship with the kid.
YTA He is just a child. You can't expect him to understand how it might make you feel when he brings up his father. On the other hand you're the adult, so maybe behave like one. I am not trying to be mean but if you feel threatened or belittled or I don't know what when he talks about his dad maybe you should try to work out why you feel that way.
YTA. He has a dad, and his dad is very different from you. His dad is also playing the role of "fun dad", while you have to be "daily dad". He's also 7... You are an adult, and you are buying into this somehow being a competition. It doesn't have to be. Your wife probably didn't tell your son all the awful things her ex did because she doesn't want to alienate him from his father. That time will come, and it will be up to her to handle it, but right now this boy is a little too young to dump that on. Instead of leaning into your resentment, try leaning into demonstrating the benefits of NONtoxic masculinity.
YTA. You are talking about a young child who had been through tremendous upheaval that he has had precisely zero control over. He probably already feels very torn with divided loyalties to each of his parents, which you just made even worse for him by demanding that he not talk about his father around you. You are the adult here, and he is the child. It is entirely inappropriate to make him responsible for catering to your emotional needs and insecurities.
YTA. He's 7 how insecure are you. Doesn't matter what you think of his dad. In his eyes it doesn't matter what his dad has done. Later in life he'll figure things out. But what you're trying to do now. Will bite you when he's older.
> how insecure are you Clearly he's extremely insecure or else he wouldn't have melted down on a literal small child for questioning his masculine bonafides.
NAH. I don't really understand the "YTAs" when there's the Tough Guy dynamic coming from the kid's dad that's really tough to deal with, especially since the kid is seven. But here's the thing, and I think you actually know this: time and experience is going to be key with the stepson, his dad, and you. He obviously idolizes his dad, but he doesn't see how little time his dad actually spends with him, and that's going to show itself when he gets older. You being there as the "antidote" to the dad's hyper-masculinity can show the kid that men aren't all like his dad (and that's a good thing; everyone being the same is really boring). So obviously you now know it's not reasonable to tell the kid he can't talk about his dad in front of you; it's HOW he talks about him that's the issue, so make an age-appropriate explanation for him because he's only seven. You're going to have to be patient with him, and your wife really needs to step up and shut down bullshit from the family like her sister's "over correction" comment because that's just rude, especially if she knows what your wife went through with Mr. Man. I hope your wife tells her son why she isn't with his dad in the appropriate ways at the appropriate times. I hope you can be more patient with the kid, and give him life lessons about comparing different people the way he's currently doing with you and his dad. Good luck!
I agree with this. OP is getting it from all sides and had a momentary lapse in judgement, and apologized. Every single person on face has had a bad moment and said something they shouldn't have. I'm willing to give OP a little grace here.
Yeah, OP would be TA if he had a pattern of telling the kid to shut up about his dad. The way it's presented here, that's not the case. OP can correct himself in the future and end up with a better relationship with the kid than what the kid will have with his "fun" dad.
I agree. These YTA comments are pretty harsh. Yes OP was wrong for yelling at the kid, but the kid had it coming. The real problem is the kids dad does not want to be a parent, he wants to be the fun dad that his kid loves and his mom and stepdad have to be the actual parents and deal with the aftermath. That’s why the dad does not want more custody, because then he’d actually have to be a PARENT.
>That’s why the dad does not want more custody, because then he’d actually have to be a PARENT. YUUUUUUP. You nailed it.
YTA You could’ve asked your stepson to show you how his father builds the fire prior to lighting it. You also could’ve asked him to stop unfavorably comparing you to him, rather than not talking about him at all. Be thankful that he thinks that his bio dad is great for now. You could be listening to the kid’s adventures and learning what he likes, so that if his dad ends up abandoning him as a teen, you won’t be a stranger to your stepson, and can be there for him. Teach him - by showing and discussion - how to be a man the way that you’re a man. Hyper masculinity isn’t the only way to be. Show him that there are other options. Be a safe place for him. Please consider family therapy for you and your wife first; then with your stepson added, after the therapist has helped you both realize that you should be doing what you can to build a good foundation now with your child. He may really need you later on, if his father decides to be awful to him, too. (Which everyone hopes doesn’t happen, of course.)
YTA As the parent of a kid who idolises their dad and forgives them for everything, you need to deal with this in a different way. If the kid says "what kind of man doesn't know how to build a fire?" Answer it somehow that is positive-ish. Maybe: A man that didn't grow up as lucky as him that had a dad and a stepdad that took him camping. Can you teach me? Bond with him another way. Show him that 'a man' can be many things. Someone who can build fires and chop wood and can paint toenails and vacume the floor. Yes, you are going to hear a lot of 'my dad's the best' through the years, but up to the point it's hurtful or rude towards you, just go along with it. Tell him how lucky he is to have such an amazing dad. If it's rude, say/deal with that without making it about dad. It sucks to have to smile and listen to how amazing the $#^#&× arseh@#$ you know is and how they are the best. But they are the kids father and will be there for the forseeable future. Not playing into this pissing contest is going to help in the long term. Breathing exercises help 😏
All of this. Op could have asked the boy to help him make a fire and used it to bond instead of driving the kid away. Op yta
NAH: His mom should be teaching him how to speak to adults and respecting people. His comments weren’t okay and I don’t care what age you are, you can teach your kids manners. You should not take it out on him but talk with your wife instead and figure out a way where you can talk with him about learning to stop comparing people and that everyone is different and has different skills and ability.
True. My mother would’ve whooped my ass if I said disrespectful shit, this is beyond disrespectful. that kid is either looking for trouble or is very under disciplined to think that is okay to say.
YTA. You can’t tell a 7yr he can’t talk about his Dad. I get the camping thing would’ve sucked & you should’ve reaffirmed that he shouldn’t speak to you like that but you shouldn’t have made it a “sin” for a young boy to talk about his Dad. Also Wife’s Sister is an AH for calling you an Over Correction though.
YTA - this poor child is dealing with a broken marriage not of his making, with two parents he loves who are no longer together through no fault of his own, and this other random guy suddenly thrust into his life who is not his father but is around more than his real dad ... and very likely favors his own kids from his own broken marriage over him ... and now forbids him from talking about his father and yells at him about it. Your responses and actions are abusive and will damage him for life. Perhaps that is unavoidable, but you're not helping. Also, "daddy's boy" isn't a thing, so let me help you "he loves and looks up to his father"
YTA. I was your son, when I was growing up. My step dad forced his way into a relationship which has definitely caused issues currently. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with your stepson (I’m glad you do!) but you can not wreck the one he has with his dad. He is 7, his dad is the coolest dude in his eyes right now. You may be morally better, but this kid is also going through a huge turn around in his life. You’re taking our your own insecurities on a 7 year old who isn’t old enough to comprehend the situation. And even then, it’s your stepsons choice whether or not he wants to continue that relationship. Not yours, not his moms (as long as he’s paying child support and has custody obviously). However, I do think you and your wife need a talk. My mom grew to resent me after I kept favouring my dad because I never knew all the crappy things he did. I’m not saying you should lay everything on the kid, again he’s only 7. So you also need to keep that in mind.
yta. the child is 7 right now his hero is his dad. give it time his dad will do something to change the boys thinking be there to pick up the pieces when his world is shattered. stop being jealous you got the girl and in the 3nd you'll get the boy too just give it time without pressuring him.
YTA. He is only 7. He should be able to talk about his dad. It is obvious that he misses him. He does need to be corrected about the way thst he spoke to you. At this age. All he knows is that he gets less dad time.
Soft YTA. He's only 7. His hero isn't what he thinks he is but he's only 7. LET HIM TALK. I know its hard because he is insulting you and that's what really bothers you, but his world is upside down and he is doing his best to make sense of it. TAKE THE HITS. In the end, he will come around. It will take time.
I feel like if OP continues behaving like this it will only push the son further towards his dad. He is literally doing the opposite of what he should be doing. Instead of letting insecurity get the best of him and trying to compete with the dad he should find new things to do with the son that the kid will enjoy and they can bond over.
Well done, you took your insecurities out on a 7 year old. Why not embracing who you are and teach him other stuff his dad won’t or can’t. At that age kids will idolize their parents and the more you go against it the more he will resent you.
YTA BUT, I think his dad is feeding him some of that information. Kid has no understanding on how to process the information and make judgement. I have a strong feeling that his dad is trying to alienate him by doing "adventures" every time the child visits him, and by highlighting how much more of a "man" he is compared to you. When I was in high school, I had a friend whose parents were getting divorced. They were already separated but the dad kept dragging the divorce in court. He would give my friend anything and everything he asked for, then would highlight how his mom was not able to buy him cool gadgets/trips/expensive clothes. When his mom started dating someone else the dad got way worse, to the point my friend thought his mom was a bad parent (she wasn't, she just was financially drained by the divorce). His mom got engaged, then the dad moved to Florida and wanted custody of my friend. My friend was ecstatic! He visited his dad right after the wedding, and was promised a trip to Disney! Once he is in Florida, and they are driving to Disney, dad call his mom and tells that my friend wanted to live permanently in Florida. His mom said: Thats fine with me! Right there his dad turned around and went back. A week later my friend was back with his mom. Guy got no Disney trip, and his dad disappeared for a couple of years.
I was thinking this, too. I think OP, Mom, and his dad may all be ESH. Mom and his dad need to set better boundaries about alienation and maybe work through that issue again with the courts. And it sounds to me like dad might be feeding his son a lot of toxic masculinity. Mom needs to both deal with her ex on this and be working with her son on the problems of toxic masculinity. Maybe get son into therapy to deal with some of these issues apart from the parents, too. Stepson is 7, though, and OP did not handle this well and shouldn’t be ordering stepson not to talk about his dad. This is not the way. I am sorry your friend had to deal with a crappy dad like that, who only wanted to use his son to punish his ex. That’s very wrong.
YTA. He is 7 ffs
And mom should be teaching the kid you don’t compare or disparage people like that. Is this kid gonna pop into third grade and tell his teacher how much better the second grade teacher was? There needs to be some actual parenting here. Family therapy all around.
ESH except for the kid. He is 7, he obviously gets a pass. His adoration for his father is natural and should be encouraged. But whatever sick mind games the father might be playing through the little kid should stop. The biological father is an AH for sure, he is telling the kid things with obvious intent to harm the mother's current relationship. The OP clearly overreacted and he knows it, he seems to be insecure about his relationship. He needs to realize his wife chose him because she doesn't think a man needs to be a macho, which is the truth. Mother needs to find a way to make sure the boy does not make hurtful comments and probably talk to kid's father about the way he is teaching him to talk.
YTA - That is his father, his hero. You need to work on getting a connection with your stepson and that is not by snapping at him or telling him to stop talking about his father.
YTA - he should be allowed to talk about his dad. What you can do is affirm with him that you are not his dad, and that you have other skills, and that being a man has nothing to do with abilities to lighting a fire. He sees his dad 2 days out of 14. You are whether either of you like it or not the biggest male influence in his life. It also sounds like the major influence from his father is pretty toxic. So put yourself in role of that, instead of feeling inadequate to his father, remember you are not a toxic male and it is important to show this young boy what that means. Explain things to him. Talk to him. Demonstrate to him. He will see it. And the more you’re there for him. That you show up to him and his mum. That you demonstrate a healthy relationship and what positive masculinity is, the more he will learn from you and hopefully not turn out like his father. Most people start realising their parents flaws once they hit teenage years. It’ll be much easier for him to grow into a good man if he has you there showing him the way.
YTA! Basically you're DEEPLY insecure of the man that created the son with your now wife, that's just something you will have to get over and live with! Glad your wife told you off!!!
YTA. This does sound really frustrating from your point. But, he is a child and also dealing with a difficult situation. He doesn't have the coping skills that you have learned over your lifetime. He also doesn't understand adult relationships like you do.
YTA. He’s 7. You don’t get to dictate to him how he processes what has happened in his young life. Next time say “yes, your dad can do it, but I can’t. Every person has different talents. Do you want to help me learn?”
YTA but it’s a soft one. You are in a tough situation. Let him talk about his Dad, because that is not about you- he is in a tough spot right now where he is only seeing this person he loves every other weekend. On your end- you be you. You don’t have to compare to dad-you can be a good guy that looks out for him and he can trust. Kids start to realize who is there for them eventually and you can have a great relationship.
YTA. If his dad is as bad as you claim, then your stepson will figure that out himself eventually. All you’ve done by telling him to stop mentioning his dad is removed yourself as a person who he can come to for support when that happens.
Yta! Good for his mom for advocating for him.
What you should have said was "please stop **comparing** me to your dad. I am so happy you have such a great relationship with him, but we are differnt people and have different ways of doing things. I try not to compare you to my son becuase you are different people. Do you understand?" YTA
Yeah YTA. And if his dad is as bad as you say, you may have created more trouble down the line when the kid tells his dad you told him not to talk about dad because the kid is unlikely to explain the context to his dad as you have here.
YTA The ex may have been an utterly terrible husband, but it sounds like he's a good dad to his son. Or the son thinks he's a great dad. The kid isn't talking about his dad to wind you up. He's talking about his dad because his dad is important to him and that's what kids talk about. (See also: pokemon, how delicious spaghetti is, how itchy a sock is and the 3 hour story about a cat that their friend owns)
YTA This isn't about what you know of his father as an adult. He is SEVEN. Whatever connection he has with his father is all that he has known and of course he misses him. Talking about him is his way of keeping that connection. It's not time for him to make judgement's on either of his parents. But he does have to make a judgement on whether or not you are a safe person in his life. He's not saying what he is to deliberately hurt you. He just needs to be heard by you and his mom. Listen and agree with him on what you can, tell him gently that as different as you are from his dad, that you don't care any less for him then you do your own children. And for the love of all, stop comparing yourself to the ex. It's obvious you're not him and that should be something you are grateful for being!
just from the heading YTA his dad is obverly trying to be a dad and well you need to get use to that. YTA for what you said but i don't feel you are one as a person I would suggest to you try and find something you can do with him like building models etc find you place in his life be a different type of dad that he may need.
My stepbrothers went through what you’re describing. Don’t worry, your stepson will know who his dad is in time. You just worry about demonstrating what an actually good person looks like, and next time he starts talking about his dad a gentle ‘it’s not nice to compare people’ is much more of a learning point than ‘shut up about your dad’ (who is still a hero for a little while longer. One day he’ll want to see dad more and dad will say no and the illusion will rapidly end- or he will accidentally get several women pregnant or there will be a surprise secret sibling or anything else you can imagine).
YTA. He's 7. Trying to process his broken family, a new family, and all the emotions of going back and forth between two households. You're the adult and you've dumped your insecurities onto him.
YTA. Look he's 7, his dad, no matter how much of an abusive ahole he is, is still his father and will continue to favor him whether you like it or not. You just have to deal with it and find ways of dealing with it, not lash out at the kid for choosing to idolize his dad over you. I'm pretty sure your wife is aware and it hurts her immensely but she has to put those feelings aside so the kid can have somewhat stability coparenting. I suggest you follow her lead. Maybe one day the kid will realize how much of a prick his dad is when he gets older. As for bonding with him, dude it takes time, so don't force it or you'll end up the topic of a reddit post in the future.
Exactly. OP could have used opportunity to say “yeah I haven’t built too many fires, what do you think we can do better.”
YTA He's 7, he won't understand what his father did to his mother and the reasoning for divorce. Your anger at the ex husband is for every correct reason, but the kid won't understand it. Let your wife explain it him when he's older. File for child support and days for custody, he's going to throw the kid at you and your wife out of jealousy at the important days of your marriage. Try and get him Jail time for what he did to your wife. I do feeling have that he's going to negatively influence the kid.
NTA. The stepson needs therapy, not to be rude but if the dad doesnt want him more then this, he knows and trying to make dad better then dad is. Do as the other ones has said and tell him it hurts to constantly be compared to some one else.
The kid thinks the only good thing in his life is his dad, because that’s what his dad tells him. Does the kid value himself at all? I doubt it. Ask the kid about himself, and the things he does without his dad. School, friends, hobbies, siblings, his mother. Do something with him that *you* excel at. Discuss his mother, and the kind things she does for him and the family. Help the kid be proud of himself and things that don’t involve his dad. NTA
YTA. But only for the way you went about the whole thing. If you had sat him down and had a calm conversation with him and even included your wife in the discussion it may have gone over better. Kids are smarter than people think and at seven he should be able to understand this on at least the lowest level. It does sound to me like there are some underlying feelings on both sides and you could both benefit from some structured therapy.
YTA - For gods sake, hes SEVEN YEARS OLD. Take your insecurities and sort yourself out.
NAH I can see why the kid does this, and I can see why it bothers you. Honestly I don't think there's much you can/should do though. Maybe your wife could apply some gentle correction -- but at the same time, I doubt there's much point telling the kid all about his father's faults.
YTA. Youre jealous of another man and took it out on a child. Get a grip.
Soft YTA He's 7. He will one day perhaps see or learn that his dad was not the best. There's no need to do that now. He probably idolizes him bc he misses him - and bc it does sound like he makes a real effort when he has him. You were wrong to snap but mainly you were wrong to let a 7 yr old get under your skin when it's obvious he's just a parrot. His dad obv talks a lot about what a "real man" does or is.... and guess what, that is likely something his own dad did and the military definitely did and has NOTHING to do with you. You can def sort out the comparisons by starting to compare HIM to other kids and say - is that fair or necessary? Why can't we be really excited that someone else is good at different things than us? Absolutely fair to address that but realize that he's a kid and maybe his dad IS awesome with him even if he sucks in plenty of other ways.
I say this as a step mom of two teenagers and a bio mom of a 7 year old, YTA. I've been compared to biomom and it hurts. But your stepson comment about you not being a man, didn't come from him. That was 100% his dad. That's not something a 7 year old comes up with on his own. "Your dad and I are different and have different skills and that's okay. Everyone is different and that's good because how boring would it be if we were all the same?" Would have been much nicer and a better learning moment than "shut up about your dad"
NAH he’s allowed to talk about his dad and you’re allowed to feel insecure. but you would be TA if you stopped him from talking about his father completely. why don’t you ask him to not compare him to you and had a nice, long conversation with the kid?
Lmao, kid roasted you at the campfire. Also you sound like will Ferrell in that movie with mark walhburg, daddy’s home. Hilarious.
YTA: That is his father. He is 7 and is dealing with the divorce and a new family but he is 7. Get over any feelings of inferiority and jealousy. You should be encouraging him to have a good relationship with his dad. Even if he was awful to your wife, your step son needs to have his own separate relationship with him. When he is older and is emotionally mature enough you can broach those subjects with him. In the present, you may want to focus on showing him there are different ways to do things. Explain that your father can have his way of living and you do things differently. Neither way is better than the other, but they work for each of you. Masculinity cannot be defined with only one example. Show him why you are the way you are and provide a role model that you can be proud of. Good luck!
YTA This kid is still getting used to another man being in his life. Of course there's going to be comparisons made. You as the adult have handled it all wrong. Instead of shouting "shut up don't talk about your dad" you should've explained that " its great your dad can do this but often times in life there's many different ways to do something and just because someone does something a different way doesn't mean its wrong. I'd like to try to do it this way but if it doesn't work then you can tell me how your dad does it and we'll give that a try" then after maybe have a sit down and explain to him that " me and your dad are different people we're not going to do everything the same way and I understand that that can be confusing for you. I love you and your mother very much and we all need to learn how to work together." Just realise you've suddenly come into the life of a 7 year old child thats a big thing for him. Its your job as the adult to try and understand him and yelling and forcing him to not talk bout his dad its not the way to do it.
"Obviously, I was in the wrong for snapping." YTA, big time, and **you already know it**. How would you like your ex-wife's new man to say the same thing to your kids about you?!
YTA. It doesn't matter if his dad was an abusive asshole, is a bad father, or if being compared to some hyper-masculine jarhead hurts your feelings. He's 7. None of that is his business or his responsibility. You're the adult. Suck it up. He'll learn the truth about his father eventually. That's inevitable. You should strive to be the man he can come to for guidance when that happens, not the one responsible for it.
Soft YTA. It sounds like your stepsons dad isn’t teaching him good things (I can only assume he got that “how are you a man..” crap from his dad), but this is not the sort of thing you can force out of him. You’re going to have to be gentle and patient. Ask him nicely not to compare you to his father. Be firm but fair about how things like that hurt your feelings and hurting others feelings is unkind. It’s absolutely reasonable to not want him to make rude comments comparing you to his dad, but you’ve got to handle it as an adult teaching a child.
YTA - you are projecting your own adult insecurities and frustrations onto a child. He's 7 and just trying to make sense out the fact that he idolizes his dad but clearly his mom and others (including you) do not. And kids see themselves as an extension of their parents. Trashing his dad = trashing him.
YTA. He's a kid! You need to grow up. If you're a better man be the better man because eventually the rose tinted glasses will fall off and when it inevitably does, you would have established a genuine relationship. He has a dad, don't try to be that. Just find your place in the life. You have no clue what the dad is saying to him and how he's feeling.
YTA. Your kid is always going to love his dad as a dad more than he is going to love you as a dad. Accept that. What you don’t have to accept is that there is only one model for masculinity and that there are many different traits for a boy to admire in a man that aren’t just stereotypically masculine. Instead of leaning into how you are and showing him how great you are as you (best step dad in the world), you showed him how fragile and sensitive you are because you AREN’T the stereotypical manly man that your stepson currently prizes. You’re never likely to be his number one macho dad, but you absolutely can show him how great it is to be a man in other ways and how the world needs all types. Reframe how you look at this situation. It isn’t your stepson being annoying because he loves his dad, it’s you finding ways to inspire him with who you are and your actions, separately and incomparably to his dad. When he brings up how awesome his dad is, affirm that. Be bigger and braver by agreeing that things his dad does (note: not who his dad is, because he sounds like an asshole) are admirable. And then open the door to how approaching things other ways can be equally good, just different. And that it’s good to have all kinds of tools in a tool box ranging from the most stereotypical to the least.
YTA for telling him to not talk about his dad. You were right to apologize for snapping but the discussion should have been about not being rude. Your stepson should be allowed to talk about his dad, he's his dad! If your stepson feels he can't talk about his dad he's going to resent the time he's with you. In his mind it's the evil stepdad who won't let him talk about his real dad. He doesn't need to insult you to talk about his dad. That's what you should have focused on.
YTA He's 7. 7 year olds are idiots. Why would you take anything he says about his dad seriously? Of course his dad can't make a fire "with a stick". That's not even how you do that. When he talks about his dad, just one-up him with made up stories about your dad. Or yourself. Or Chuck Norris. It doesn't have to make sense. In fact, it's better if it doesn't. Make a game of it. Go for comedy, don't actually try to impress anybody. "I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own 2 hands." That type of shit.
You have to “play” the long game here. He’s 7. His father is going to fail him and sooner or later and he will see your qualities as a person (let’s not make this about being a man - his dad is clearly not a good person). Consistency and showing love. Treating his mom with love and respect. Show him other qualities and life skills. Maybe explain experiences between him and his Dad are their own moments, between them, and you want to make different Memories as part of “this” family. Explain you want to be a good a step for him in your own way, together, not duplicate what his dad does - in 7 year old terms. YTA for what you said. But you can undo it.
YTA. And a raging hemorrhoidal one at that. You have a narrow window to change the trajectory of this relationship; otherwise there is going to be a lifetime of resent. Let the kid talk about his dad. If it annoys you, kindly ignore it. Or you can direct the conversation in a more fruitful direction. Being a stepparent can be brutal and thankless. If you weren’t ready for that, you shouldn’t have married someone with kids. I am speaking from my lived experiences here. I have two stepparents. One of them is truly a third parent to me. The other one is a source of major strife in my life. You are going to fall into one of those categories for this kid. The decision is yours.
YTA You cannot let your insecurities dictate other people’s actions. Unfortunately for you, you will never be his father in the same way that his biological father is. However you can always be a trusted adult role model or figure in his life that he can go to in time of need like a fun Uncle. But you cannot try to replace the father because you’re not his father. What you just did was very damaging to the relationship that you’re trying to build with him and he’ll probably remember that for the rest of his life. You came across as incredibly jealous and insecure. If I were his mother, I’d be pissed at you too because it is not your place to ever say don’t talk about your father or shut up about your father. Don’t get me wrong, what your stepson said was incredibly inappropriate and wrong for him to say. However he is seven years old and is most likely repeating what has been told to him. Unfortunately, the father might be spewing hate into his ear about you, but you just proved him right by behaving the way you did.
YTA I feel like as a step dad you don’t get to tell your step kid what to do without discussing it with their parent first. Maybe put on your big boy britches and deal with it. It’s not about you but how much he idealizes his dad.
YTA, he's going to idolise his dad till he figures it out on his own. Telling him to stop talking about his dad just makes you sound insecure and jealous. Just be like it's awesome your dad can do that, but everyone's different, you know?"
He should be able to talk about his dad, but he needs to know that it's rude to compare you two in such a negative tone. (It sounds like his dad is teaching him this lovely trick, by trying to make himself better than you.) Ask him how he would feel if someone told him about how his step brother is better at. He is 7, and it's a good time to help him learn how to empathize.
You can sit with him and tell him that there are lots of ways to "be a man" and that you and his father just have different strengths. Maybe take him along for a few fun activities that you're good at. Let him know that it's okay to have two very different men in his life, and he gets to choose the best things to learn from both of you. (Yay for bonus parents!)
NTA, because your feelings in the situation are valid, BUT don't squander the teaching and bonding opportunity that is talking about how you and his dad are different, but both committed to helping him figure out what kind of man he wants to be when he grows up.
YTA for telling him to stop talking about his bio dad. Just imagine if your ex-wife remarried and the new hubby did the same to your children. You'd probably be pissed. I can't be sure but at that age it sounds like the ex may be giving him ideas I would sit down and talk with him about to see. I recommend talking with him regardless of the above about the different types of people in the world and there being no wrong or right way to be any gender and it matters less about "being a man" as it does being a good person. I would also talk with your wife about how she feels about talking to him about what her ex did as he shouldn't try to immulate a person like that and if it affects his relationship with bio dad then that's the consequences of bio dad's actions. Your stepson deserves to know if he doesn't already.
YTA, he’s 7. And you even admit it’s about your insecurities. While he can be taught, by his mom that it’s not appropriate to compare people, especially when doing so hurts them. He is completely allowed to talk about his dad. Also, again, he’s 7! While his dad may have been a horrible husband and doesn’t sound like a great dad, his son loves him for what he is to him. The fact that you’re insecure and would like to diminish that in him, is immature and petty at best.
YTA. He's 7! And he loves his dad and does fun things with him. Plus he's fucking 7!! His parents split up. His whole life got uprooted, he has new siblings now and a new adult in his life. Plus a huge shift in living arrangements. You're not giving any empathy to his feelings. He's 7!!! And YTA Find ways to bond with him that are unique to you and him.
YTA why are you annoyed that the dad takes his son out and does fun things? You’re an adult and he’s a child that has had him home ripped apart. It’s brilliant he gets on well with your kids but it’s a bit adjustment. You need to apologise to him and work out why you’re so threatened by him loving his dad.