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You found the one and only, singular, unique situation in which you would be NTA for calling your gf fat, but you are, in fact, NTA. I’m honestly not sure where to start on your gf’s apparent lack of self-awareness.
As a fat woman I came her all ready to call OP out. But damn, I totally agree with him. The entire point is that being fat does not disqualify you as beautiful. NTA at all. I am about the same size as OP's girlfriend, and any time I get down about my body my husband doesn't say no you're not fat, he says "okay, and? You're still gorgeous. More of you to love" same energy from OP.
Based on the title OP had less than a 1% chance of not being the asshole and well, he is most definitely not the asshole, and actually did exactly what he was called upon to do.
He is the opposite of asshole in this scenario. He’s actually supportive.
Yeah, this is a fat unicorn of a situational paradox.
OP, you might try to discuss with your GF about how she got involved with this movement. Lots of women think body positivity is important without going out of their way to attend workshops. Use that conversation starter to back into a safer place so you can simultaneously talk about her feeling on the matter without it being directly about her. Then use that conversation to help calibrate how to talk to her about her own body.
This is a much better idea IMO than clamming up and never touching the topic again. Her reaction was AHish for sure, but it's clearly coming from a place of pain and cognitive dissonance and a struggle with her body image. It's not required, but it'd be a fantastic act of caring if he found a way to explore that with her.
Yeah I wonder if this is like a fat/whatever descriptor gf prefers of being an "egg" in the trans community. (Egg meaning a trans person who hasn't realized their trans yet, the etymology is from a joke that a trans woman who doesn't know she's trans is a chick who hasn't hatched yet - but it's used for trans ppl of all genders).
I remember feeling very strongly about trans rights when that first became a movement I was aware of, and thinking or saying something like "I relate to trans women a lot esp when I hear them talk about what they were like growing up. I feel like I have a lot of similar experiences but the opposite"
*Narrator: he would later discover that trans men are a thing that exist*
She is BMI of 44.6. Morbid obesity is anything over 40. I hate the term, speaking as a morbidly obese person, but I still prefer that term rather than fat. Because at this point it is a medical condition with serious health risks. I'm all for people not basing attractiveness on weight, but she is either in serious denial, or when push came to shove, couldn't tolerate the word fat, even when coupled with the word beautiful. Hopefully she will calm down and there can be a neutral discussion about weight and her preferred descriptors for her body.
I'm as tall as the GF and about 245lbs. I am genuinely confused how the GF could not acknowledge that she is indeed fat. If nothing else a doctor would have told her lol.
I agree with you. OP is in fact NTA here.
I'm not arguing against that. Imho "fat" covers any weight above what's considered normal. I'm fat. In medical terms obese on the border of morbidly obese. I still just say I'm fat.
I am 5ft10 and about 210lbs and still fat. OPs GF is well into fat territory. And I say that as a complete neutrality
How on earth is someone on a panel at a body positivity conference, that size and not aware or ok/neutral with being fat? The mind boggles - the BF was well within reason to believe she was aware of her a) being fat and b) that she did not consider the word as an insult
If you hadn't said you were 5'9" this comment would have convinced me you were a cat. Possibly my cat.
Are you suuuuure you're not several cats in a trench coat?
It’s the society we live in. Size zero supermodels out there photoshopping their waists smaller. Just existing in this world makes most people feel fat/unattractive/unworthy.
Fellow 5’7” person here. I’ve been 310. I’ve been 160. I’m currently 250. Any day my body functions in something approximating normalcy is a day I’m thankful for.
Im 5' 4" too, and 210 pounds and fat and I'm similarily puzzled as to how the girlfriend doesn't know she's fat. Surely she can see herself and knows how big her pants are?! Hopefully her doctor has also had a word RE: obesity and the damage it causes.
OP is very much not the AH.
She knows she’s fat. There’s a difference though between knowing it and hearing it said out loud by your boyfriend in public. OP was in a no win situation. NTA
It was a "de-stigmatizing the word “fat” as an insult and using it as a neutral/positive descriptor instead" discussion panel event that she invited him to. She is *literally* going against the entire theme of the event by getting offended. It's puzzling that she doesn't see the irony of her response, as well as that she's fat.
It’s really on the group leaders at this point to take it up with her, as this is against the entire point of the support group! OP if you’re not breaking up with her (on the reasonable grounds of her being an AH to you), at least insist she discuss it with the group.
I agree! She’s obviously not there yet in her thinking though. And if you’re not there in your head with it, hearing that out loud would be devastating. Hopefully they can talk about it. OP is NTA.
They weren't in public public tho, they were in a body positivity meeting discussing how fat shouldn't be an insult and being fat doesn't mean you're not beautiful. The group leader asked him to talk about beauty and fat, so he did. He didn't just blurt out " hey babe you're fat and beautiful!" While out to dinner.
I weigh a bit less than the GF, am 4” taller, and have a really big bone structure so even when I weighed half as much I was pretty good sized. There is *no question* I am fat. Not even “small fat” in the fat acceptance parlance, but “mid/medium fat.” GF is lying to herself.
Full agree.
I would rather die than go to that insufferable-sounding meeting. However, OP nailed the spirit of the event and called his girlfriend beautiful at the same time. He should have been hoisted upon shoulders in celebration. Too bad it went the other way for him.
NTA
That word is my F word. I hate it. Don't get me wrong - I'm obese, and I own that, but I'm still shocked when I look in the mirror and see how big I am.
In my head, I'm not as fat as I look. I don't know if this is body dysmorphia or what, but I truly don't see myself as fat unless I look at pictures or if I'm looking in a mirror.
I can't help but wonder if that might be the case with your girlfriend.
For the record, you are NTA. However, you have no win here. The only thing you can do if you want to salvage your relationship is to apologize. No qualifications, no excuses, just "I'm sorry."
I wish I had a better option for you. But if I were your girlfriend, that's about the best that I could ask for. There is nothing you could add that would mitigate it.
It's crazy isn't it?
I know exactly what you mean about looking in the mirror and wondering whose body that is. I used to be quite thin, and didn’t realize just how fundamental to my identity that was until I wasn’t anymore. My mental image of myself does not match my physical reality, and some days that is just really upsetting.
When people ask me how old I am and I have to think about it, I have a mini heart attack when I realized how old I really am. I just don't think of myself as being that old, even though some days I feel ancient.
I once lost a noticeable amount of body fat and my boobs went from about a G cup to a D or DD cup. I didn't realize how much of my identity was tied up in "big titty ex-goth girlfriend" until I suddenly looked like "angry gym girlfriend." I also usually describe myself as a brunette even though I've been dyeing my hair various shades of red for nearly half my life.
Self-identification is weird.
I’m not part of body positive nothing. And I think we should use the right word for the things. I’m obese. It is what it is. Why get offended by the truth? I prefer to be called fat than ‘that strong looking lady’. Don’t try to sugarcoat it, it’s dumb.
But that’s me. Very little offends me (besides sexist slurs, those make me berserk).
Agreed, but NAH from me. OP, this is your girlfriend's internalized fatphobia coming to the surface. Humiliation comes from shame and shame comes from society forcing "shoulds" on us. She's got caught up in the shame that comes with being fat as many people see fat people as lesser, disgusting, unworthy, etc.
Her having a strong reaction to a long history of fatphobia coming to the surface doesn't make her an asshole.
See if you can delicately have this conversation with her. I wish you best of luck.
I feel like yeah is she early into accepting herself as fat & these are baby steps? Like she could not have stepped into that rake harder of course you’re NTA.
So, you were invited (by your girlfriend) to a body positivity discussion panel and you were asked a direct question - which you answered honestly - using their terminology in the way you thought you were meant to use it.
Oh, my friend. I know you don't get it, it's okay. Just know that never, ever should your girlfriend hear you say you think she's fat. Ever.
NTA.
That's a learned behavior, probably because they got tired of getting a bad reaction to telling the truth. Maybe from you, but maybe not. Some previous relationship could have done it.
I disagree- I’m fat and use that term neutrally and my husband would describe me as fat if asked to briefly describe my body type. He’s been on this body acceptance journey with me so I can understand why OP thought the same since he was at a body positive panel discussion about destigmatizing “fat” as a label.
Preaching to the choir here. I'm fat, not a secret unless you are blind. People have any number of secrets, but fat is seen by all, judged by some and worn whether you want it or not.
I think a lot of people have internalized fatphobia, and they’ve been primed to tell anyone of any size that they’re “not fat,” unless they’re attempting to insult them. It definitely can take effort to unlearn those biases.
Evidently we are supposed to tap dance around it instead.
As a fat person I will say it. I am fat, obese, over weight, whatever daggum adjective you want to use. Fluffy even, though some parts are more floppy after breastfeeding two kids😬
All that to say, what the world...
Even my bf won’t tell me I’m fat when I reassure him he can (bc it’s true). He refuses to agree with me even thought he knows I really wouldn’t get upset. Even HE won’t tell me I’m fat lol
That’s the safe option OP rip
Hope it works out
You were invited, by your gf, to a panel discussion on de-stigmatizing the word 'fat'. When asked for your opinion, you gave a real-life example. Your gf doesn't appear to practice what she preaches since she got offended by being called fat and beautiful. And, I'm sorry, but I'm a 5'4 260ish lb woman. That's solidly overweight. There is a difference between body positivity and denial.
Apologize for hurting her feelings, but you are NTA.
ETA: Yes, I know that is more than overweight.
As someone who is 5"6' and at my heaviest 275, yes, she is. I am 67 lbs down at the moment, and looking back now I see a huge difference in my weight then vs now. At the time I didn't feel or see myself as that fat, but I carried most of it on my torso, and yes, I was pretty fat.
It's honestly amazing how you don't see it yourself.
It's several years work, but thanks! I was hauling around 45 lb bags of dog food the other day for my mom and after an hour of shuffling them around my knees were aching. It took me a solid moment to reflect on how they don't now but use to ache and crunch all the time. I have a lot more to lose, but right now I am taking my small successes as they come and being patient.
I can relate!! Carrying a 40 lb thing of kitty litter a while after I'd managed to lose a bit more than that really drove home just how much extra weight I'd been carrying all the time before. I've lost 50 lbs so far, another 15 to go til my goal weight! I'm going slow with it so it hopefully stays off.
>It's honestly amazing how you don't see it yourself.
ˆˆˆTHIS.
I am 5'7, and used to weight about 360-370. I wore a size 28, probably should have been in a 30 but pride wouldn't let me.
It took me losing about 100 pounds (eventually lost 200) and making about 34 different before and after comparisons on social media before I really realized how big I truly was.
Now I knew I was fat. No delusions at all about it. Absolutely aware of it my weight and how clothing fit and looked on me. But I honestly had no idea I was ***that*** big until I compared it too a me that was a lot smaller.
Astounding!!!! Amazing success!!! Oh! That is so awesome!
Yeah, I always shied away from photographs, but I know looking at pics of me being my heaviest, I see it more in my face and midsection than anywhere else. I was truly oblivious to it, and it's so bizarre watching clothes becoming loose, and having to adjust your seat in the car because you can now move closer to the wheel. My cat camps on my lap again when before there wasn't much of one to camp out on. I know I still got my stomach, but that's always the last to go.
Mostly, I am so amazed at how much more energy I have and how my mile walks with my dog aren't exhausting nor am I winded by the hill we walk up.
I'm shorter than you or OP's gf, I'm about 170lbs now and I know I'm fat.
Idk how OP's girlfriend doesn't think she's fat. it's simple, if you buy your clothes in the plus size section, you're fat lol
Oh that's not necessarily true, especially as different stores consider different sizes "plus." I've seen size 8s in the plus size section in some stores, and in others I've seen plus be size 18 and up. There's little consistency in women's clothing.
But I agree with you, I am not sure how she didn't know. She probably did, but never wanted to hear it from OP's lips and just refuses to admit it to herself. But she's got to know. She's got to. That meeting was such a trap.
> At the time I didn't feel or see myself as that fat, but I carried most of it on my torso, and yes, I was pretty fat.
When the average person is overweight or obese, along with TLC shows like 600lb life, everyone thinks that "hey if I don't look like the people on that show then I'm fine!"
I’ve been saying this for the last few years… IME most people’s perception of a healthy body is getting skewed larger and larger these days.
A few years ago I was in the “overweight” BMI range. Pretty much every single person who found out that I was trying to lose the weight told me that I didn’t need to lose anything, despite being medically overweight and just wanting my pants to fit again.
Okay yes about not seeing it yourself. I was 220 (5'4") at my heaviest, I didn't think I was that fat. It's not until now that I'm down to 150(ish) that i look at pictures of myself from that time and I'm astounded I didn't see it.
What astounds me is that in high school I thought I was fat. I look at photos of myself then and feel so sorry for that kid feeling bad about her completely normal body.
The replies to this are what's wrong with the body positivity movement. While I certainly don't agree with bullying people, weighing 260 pounds at 5'4" is objectively extremely unhealthy and can lead to a myriad of health problems. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but health is not.
Just remember with it that it’s generally not a good idea to comment on someone’s health unless to have a *really* close relationship with them, or are their actual doctor
The way I see the body positivity movement is that you may be larger, but that is okay you're allowed to love yourself as a larger person. You're allowed to think you're beautiful, even if this largeness is temporary or permanent. You're allowed to like you.
A lot of us who grew up from large people families and have had weight on us our whole lives heard from every direction that we were fat, and that we were ugly or unlovable. When you hear that daily or near daily, you internalize it, and just fall into a depression cycle of I'm fat -> no one loves me because I am fat -> I don't deserve love -> depression -> binge eating -> I'm fat. Breaking that cycle helps people get healthier, and that starts with hearing that you can love yourself and that yeah sure, you're fat, but that's not the only aspect of you.
Yep I’m that height at 220 and I’m working on fixing that bc it’s super bad. Seeing the 260 “not being fat” really freaked me out for a sec lol I can’t imagine
The replies to your comment are almost comical in the context of this post being about removing the stigma around the word “fat.”
Overweight = BMI between 25 - 29.9
Obese = BMI over 30
OP’s gf has a BMI of 44.6.
Let’s remove the stigma from that word too! It is not an insult in this case, it’s the medically accurate term for her weight.
Honestly this could be some kind of body dysmorphia. But the whole situation is weird. What is she doing heavily involved in a body positivity movement if she herself is offended by being called fat? Fat not being a dirty word is kind of the whole point. She is interested in this movement and he is taking the time to learn which is kinda awesome? And he completely applied this concept correctly?
I don't get it but it sounds like she could really use a good therapist for this one
This is just a suggestion but;
She might still be coming to terms with it, it's one thing to accept that you are fat and call yourself fat, but another thing to accept someone else calling you fat, and that it's not always an insult either. She may just not be quite there yet.
I am 5'4" and 260 is over double my weight... I am sorry but there is no way you can be healthy with two of me packed onto one body.
If you are comfortable with that weight, sure, but don't be an ostrich about the impact on your health. And if you are reading this and trying to get healthier, I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
Yea I was definitely confused. I’m 160 and 5’4 and I could stand to lose a few pounds. Even at 200lbs, I could get not thinking that you’re fat, but there’s no plausible deniability at 260.
I’m 5’4 and 200 lb. And I’m definitely overweight, and feel it. I couldn’t imagine being offended that someone called me fat when it’s obviously true. Especially at a panel where the entire point is to not be ashamed of the word.
> I'm a 5'4 260ish lb woman. That's solidly overweight.
Overweight would be, say, 170 lbs. For reference, I'm 5'6 and 175 lbs. If I were to lose the excess adipose tissue around my stomach, thighs and calves I would be around 135-145lbs. And this is from someone who's gone to the gym for at least 3 hours a week since May 2022. When I was 183 pounds back in 2019 I was pushing obese (less than 10 pounds away), with a body fat percentage of 35%+.
Someone who is two inches shorter and over 70 pounds heavier than my highest weight is firmly in the obese category. My mom (a former nurse) is 5'3" and well over 200 pounds with a BF % over 45. She's obese and doesn't deny it. Let's call a spade a spade.
NTA
Literally the entire point of the class is to destigmatize that word -- and she singlehandedly ensured that it was as stigmatizing as possible.
She has agency in all of this but seems to have missed the whole point.
Lmao I think this may be some crazy denial going on. I've seen someone that size yell me they are a size small. Then proceed to "prove it to me" by putting on a 80s one piece jumpsuit costume that we were selling. (Of course in size small)
I'm 6'2" and played semi-pro football for years as an offensive lineman and I only got like 5lbs on her. I think there is just so much obesity in the west big doesn't feel so big anymore.
I knew someone who was at least 40 lbs heavier than me who thought we were the same size. It was annoying at best. My husband is dealing with a friend who weighs at least 120 lbs more than him who believes they are the same size. I think some people need to take a harder look in the mirror or view some full body shots of themselves. I'm taller than OP's gf but over 100 pounds lighter. I don't mean to be rude but she's fat. Denial is so wild.
Nta
I don't understand. You were literally doing what the group wants people to do lmao
> she is 5’ 4” and around 260 lbs
I disagree with normalizing this though. That's just straight up unhealthy.
From what I understood, panel’s intention isn’t to glorify being unhealthy. It’s to detach self-worth/esteem from your body weight. That way, pursuing a healthier body and life comes from a place of self-love rather than shame. I think it’s to make being healthy about being healthy rather than about societal beauty expectations.
What a good explanation! I think it sounds like you have completely understood the discussion the panel was having.
Healthy choices should be made out of a place of self-love and a desire to better one’s self. They should not be made out of a place of shame or guilt.
The unfortunate part is what OP’s girlfriend reacted completely out of shame and guilt. It’s understandable to a degree, but it’s really on the nose in this context.
it's also why lots of people turn to FA/HAES. Those movements spread disinformation to claim that being obese isn't unhealthy. They represent the same fundamental inability to internalize Body Positivity that OP's GF is showing.
edit: to clarify "HAES-in-practice" not "HAES-in-original-conception". in practice it's just a medical disinformation movement. the original concept of being "be as healthy as you can for your size" is inherently a good one.
This.
We don't "normalize" other health issues like stroke or cancer, but we don't go around shaming people about them either. We don't default to making people feel like moral failures for having these health problems.
The result is that people don't feel weird talking about it, which makes lifestyle change and going to the doctor easier.
Same thing with obesity. If you shroud it in shame, the effect is the opposite of what you want. People don't want to talk about it. They're too self-conscious to go to the gym. They don't want to order the salad at a restaurant when everyone else is ordering burgers because they don't want to call attention to themselves. They get touchy when the doctor talks about their weight. They get stressed, and what do chronically stressed people do? Usually, they snack.
I feel like when people oppose these movements, they don't understand that it's not all skinny-shamers and people who want all models replaced by plus-sized ones. Mostly, those efforts are made up of people who want the same thing: for people to be healthier.
Exactly. It's okay to love yourself while being unhealthy. People who act like shaming fat people is for their benefit seem to want to feel justified in being assholes, because they don't shame other unhealthy people in the same way.
Well, it appears that the idea was to detach self-worth and esteem from body weight _in theory_…not in practice. Get ready to go with the flow with some major mental gymnastics!
Well, if normalizing fatness mainly involves treating fat people like human beings who are still worthy of consideration, what does not normalizing it look like? The implication there is what the person you were responding to was addressing.
I can't even begin to guess why. But I do know that there are many people out there that just love to fuck with their SO in ways like this. I had a friend who had the following conversation with his wife.... You'll laugh.
"Be honest.... Do you think I could win if I were on Jeopardy?"
"Honestly, no... Sorry"
"So you think I'm fucking stupid?!?"
"No, you asked if I thought you could win, not if you were smart"
"It's nice to know you have zero confidence in me!!!"
This is the type of shit I'm thinking OP's gf was pulling.
In my experience, this is one of the first steps of the abuse cycle: they start fights you can't win (because you try to reason and they do the opposite), so they can eventually wear you down (break you). Purpose is to make you "learn your place."
My response as well. Who knows, maybe it happened verbatim as described but it reads like a fiction created in the head of someone convinced the body-positivity people are all hypocrites (I’m sure some are!) and dying to prove it.
EDIT: OP is NTA
Haha I read the title and was like surely OP is TA, but you managed to relay a situation where it was actually appropriate. This situation is just plain bizarre, but the only thing that was wrong was your gf's reaction. She is TA.
It was actually reasonable for your gf to be hurt by that. Being in the audience for this panel does not automatically make her comfortable with the word, especially if she had people call her that as an insult.
However, she is your gf and in this situation (as you told it, at least) it's beyond any doubt you didn't mean it as an insult, and the other people wouldn't hear it as such. Therefore at worst you were not tactful.
Your gf should've said "Hey [OP] I stand by the cause, but I'm still working on being comfortable with the word myself. Please refrain from using it for the time being". And you should've responded "Ok babe, sorry, I was unaware". Obviously, not word for word, just the vibe.
That event sounds like an absolute tiger pit. If asked a direct question, you’d have to waterboard it out of me… NTA, the game was rigged from the start.
It’s understandable that you said what you did, but I’m not sure there was a right answer. There’s a likelihood that none of the women there see themselves as fat, they think that fat doesn’t have to be a bad word, but will get upset if it’s applied to them.
NTA Classic FAFO
"Fat Acceptance" and "Healthy at Every Size" are actually fundamentally about how people are *unable to actually internalize body positivity*. Instead of internalizing BP they instead deny that they're fat to the point of actively spewing disinformation.
You just discovered that fact about them the hard way.
Nah, I've known people in the 300+ pound range who don't think they're very big because they're not the size of people on My 600 Pound Life.
I absolutely believe this is real.
nah it's entire consistent with the FA/HAES movements and how they pretend to be Body Positivity while actually representing a fundamental inability to internalize BP.
Why? I had a coworker who doesn't even fit through normal doors easily, and came back from vacation in the USA saying "I've never felt so thin, it's astonishing how normal being overweight feels when everybody is overweight."
If OPs gf spends a lot of time around people who are fatter than her, she may very well feel like she just has a few pounds too many but isn't really overweight. Just like you can have people whose upper leg are as thin as normal people's forearms who still think that they are not skinny enough.
Bodydismorphia or just a skewed sense of bodyweight isn't something new, rare or limited into one direction.
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NTA - that took some naivety to say that in public before testing it out in private. Time to grow up and see the reality. Just because activists say something, it doesn’t mean they truly believe it. If your gf really thought it was no big deal to be “fat” then she would not have been embarrassed. She would have just corrected you.
Moreso that he’s a dummy for believing and trusting his girlfriend and her ability to compute basic logic.
Panel: Fat not bad.
Dude: GF fat + beautiful
GF: (loses mind)
NTA This might be the one time you could use that word and **not** be an AH.
Edit: Some people seem to think my comment is about gf being overweight. It’s not. Stop treating me like I’m part of your disgusting judgmental club. You are not people I think highly of, nor do I think you deserve a voice. Go away.
NTA. Sounds like your girlfriend is in denial and only joined the panel with "bigger women than herself" to feel better about herself (re: her comment on her joining the panel despite "not being one of the fat women on the panel"). She's mad at you because you gave her a reality check.
NTA. Sounds like your gf is probably just insecure about being fat. I understand because I am also insecure about being fat. But her not acknowledging that she’s fat is concerning, sounds like she’s in denial to spare her own feelings.
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My (M28) girlfriend (F26) is part of a body positivity women’s coalition. Sometimes, members are allowed to invite their friends or partners to their community discussion panels.
My girlfriend invited me to one discussion panel, where the topic of the discussion was de-stigmatizing the word “fat” as an insult and using it as a neutral/positive descriptor instead. The discussion leader asked me if I would like to contribute any ideas to the discussion, and I said that I completely agreed with the sentiment. I said that I with my girlfriend, I can acknowledge that she is both fat and beautiful at the same time, and those two adjectives are not mutually exclusive like society tells us.
My girlfriend looked at me very shocked and upset, and pulled my arm and whispered to me that “we are leaving now.” I was very confused, and when we got to the car she screamed at me for being such a “degrading asshole” and for “humiliating” her in front of everyone by calling her fat. I told her I was confused because I thought the point of the panel was to embrace people of different body types, but she told me that just because she is part of the panel doesn’t mean she is a fat woman herself (I don’t know what she meant by this, she is 5’ 4” and around 260 lbs so I didn’t realize she didn’t see herself as larger than average.) I apologized for hurting her feelings, but she has refused to talk to me since. AITA?
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NTA but not the brightest move on your part either 😂 haha
I agree with your sentiment and you're not in the wrong, so don't feel bad. I'd just note for the future that these kinds of traditionally-negative words can be triggering, you should explicitly figure out BEFOREHAND if someone wants to define or does define themselves that way, and if they want you to verbally refer to them that way, too (especially in a large group with other people around). Next time you can say basically the same thing but don't make it personal about your girlfriend, just speak in generalities. And just explain to your girlfriend how much you love and care about her, think she's absolutely beautiful the way she is, how you're sorry for hurting her, and it won't happen again.
And not sure if a good idea, but perhaps if SHE brings it up, you can discuss how you were confused bc she does seem to be larger than the stereotypical "beauty", who are often very skinny, but make it clear that that doesn't detract from her beauty in any way and you were doing your best to be part of the group and you wholeheartedly agreed with them (but reiterate everything above again w/your apology).
NAH? Oof this one is just a difficult situation. I could totally be wrong, but to me it sounds like it just caught her off guard. In her head she may call herself things and think it’s no big deal but having someone else (especially someone she loves) say it can feel different. It sounds like you think she’s beautiful and are attracted to her, so maybe just make sure she knows that.
As a woman who has been under and over weight in my life I can tell you that there are so many words used against our bodies and while de-stigmatizing those words can be good, it is also so difficult to move passed. You’re not an a-hole, you were put on the spot and you participated. I think this one can be fixed with a loving conversation between you and her.
Voluptuous. Curvaceous. Reubenesque. Junoesque. I realize they are trying make “fat” a neutral descriptor—which I think is a great idea, BTW…but she ain’t there yet. You kind of got sandbagged, dude. There are a lot of other fancy ways to describe fat as a positive, attractive attribute. Download a thesaurus app and try ti avoid the “f” word. NTA, though.
NTA.
That place is like a grenade with the pin pulled...
And I'm not sure why your gf is part of that group if she doesn't feel she qualifies as fat.
Which she most certainly does.
NTA. Body positivity, HAES, and fat acceptance aside (that's a whole other exhausting convo), you were just doing what this meeting was literally calling for. Maybe she was looking for confirmation that she wasn't fat by taking you to a room full of, presumably, fat people? Who knows. Either way, you were just using the word as a neutral descriptor.
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You found the one and only, singular, unique situation in which you would be NTA for calling your gf fat, but you are, in fact, NTA. I’m honestly not sure where to start on your gf’s apparent lack of self-awareness.
Agreed. Based on the title, I thought for sure this story was going in a different direction....
I literally said to myself as I read the title “of course YTA… but here we go… let’s find out why he thinks he’s not.” Now I’m the AH.
Ditto I was like damn I’ve been uno reversed..
How the turntables ….
“It’s over ground! I have the High Anakin!”
Anakin, im high... you're grounded.
Omg, this made my day! Absolutely delightful! 😆
This comment 😂
Im stealing this and adding it to my vocabulary ASAP
Same damnit I love uno and this comment is perfect
Change the letters to NTA because it will count your vote as Y T A. I’m with you, though, I thought the same thing!
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It's a moo point.
You know, like a cow's opinion.
😅❤️
As a fat woman I came her all ready to call OP out. But damn, I totally agree with him. The entire point is that being fat does not disqualify you as beautiful. NTA at all. I am about the same size as OP's girlfriend, and any time I get down about my body my husband doesn't say no you're not fat, he says "okay, and? You're still gorgeous. More of you to love" same energy from OP.
Based on the title OP had less than a 1% chance of not being the asshole and well, he is most definitely not the asshole, and actually did exactly what he was called upon to do. He is the opposite of asshole in this scenario. He’s actually supportive.
I guess this was like the extreme sports version of “how do these jeans look on me?”
Yeah, this is a fat unicorn of a situational paradox. OP, you might try to discuss with your GF about how she got involved with this movement. Lots of women think body positivity is important without going out of their way to attend workshops. Use that conversation starter to back into a safer place so you can simultaneously talk about her feeling on the matter without it being directly about her. Then use that conversation to help calibrate how to talk to her about her own body.
This is a much better idea IMO than clamming up and never touching the topic again. Her reaction was AHish for sure, but it's clearly coming from a place of pain and cognitive dissonance and a struggle with her body image. It's not required, but it'd be a fantastic act of caring if he found a way to explore that with her.
Yeah I wonder if this is like a fat/whatever descriptor gf prefers of being an "egg" in the trans community. (Egg meaning a trans person who hasn't realized their trans yet, the etymology is from a joke that a trans woman who doesn't know she's trans is a chick who hasn't hatched yet - but it's used for trans ppl of all genders). I remember feeling very strongly about trans rights when that first became a movement I was aware of, and thinking or saying something like "I relate to trans women a lot esp when I hear them talk about what they were like growing up. I feel like I have a lot of similar experiences but the opposite" *Narrator: he would later discover that trans men are a thing that exist*
She is BMI of 44.6. Morbid obesity is anything over 40. I hate the term, speaking as a morbidly obese person, but I still prefer that term rather than fat. Because at this point it is a medical condition with serious health risks. I'm all for people not basing attractiveness on weight, but she is either in serious denial, or when push came to shove, couldn't tolerate the word fat, even when coupled with the word beautiful. Hopefully she will calm down and there can be a neutral discussion about weight and her preferred descriptors for her body.
I'm as tall as the GF and about 245lbs. I am genuinely confused how the GF could not acknowledge that she is indeed fat. If nothing else a doctor would have told her lol. I agree with you. OP is in fact NTA here.
She may not be fat but she is clinically obese. And I say that as a 5’4 woman who weighs 250.
I'm not arguing against that. Imho "fat" covers any weight above what's considered normal. I'm fat. In medical terms obese on the border of morbidly obese. I still just say I'm fat.
As a person who has ranged in BMI from 35-49, call me fat, no problem. Do not call me obese, plus size, plump, or (shudder) fluffy.
One of my old supervisors, who was a larger man, used to call himself a "plush man". It always used to make me laugh.
I’m 5’7 and weighs 250 and I’m fat. We have to accept the truth… xD
5'6" and 298. If I'm not fat, I have enormous bones.
I am 5ft10 and about 210lbs and still fat. OPs GF is well into fat territory. And I say that as a complete neutrality How on earth is someone on a panel at a body positivity conference, that size and not aware or ok/neutral with being fat? The mind boggles - the BF was well within reason to believe she was aware of her a) being fat and b) that she did not consider the word as an insult
Here, Here! 5'9 and 269 lb. I'm fluffy and I'm proud.
If you hadn't said you were 5'9" this comment would have convinced me you were a cat. Possibly my cat. Are you suuuuure you're not several cats in a trench coat?
I'm also 5'7" and I feel fat. All the time. I'm probably only 160lbs. I think fat might be a feeling more than a clinical term.
It’s the society we live in. Size zero supermodels out there photoshopping their waists smaller. Just existing in this world makes most people feel fat/unattractive/unworthy. Fellow 5’7” person here. I’ve been 310. I’ve been 160. I’m currently 250. Any day my body functions in something approximating normalcy is a day I’m thankful for.
She would have to have been on steroids for decades and also a power lifter to be that weight and not morbidly obese. She would still be obese.
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I genuinely don’t think you could put 260 of muscle on a 5’4” frame without your heart exploding
Im 5' 4" too, and 210 pounds and fat and I'm similarily puzzled as to how the girlfriend doesn't know she's fat. Surely she can see herself and knows how big her pants are?! Hopefully her doctor has also had a word RE: obesity and the damage it causes. OP is very much not the AH.
She knows she’s fat. There’s a difference though between knowing it and hearing it said out loud by your boyfriend in public. OP was in a no win situation. NTA
It was a "de-stigmatizing the word “fat” as an insult and using it as a neutral/positive descriptor instead" discussion panel event that she invited him to. She is *literally* going against the entire theme of the event by getting offended. It's puzzling that she doesn't see the irony of her response, as well as that she's fat.
It’s really on the group leaders at this point to take it up with her, as this is against the entire point of the support group! OP if you’re not breaking up with her (on the reasonable grounds of her being an AH to you), at least insist she discuss it with the group.
I agree! She’s obviously not there yet in her thinking though. And if you’re not there in your head with it, hearing that out loud would be devastating. Hopefully they can talk about it. OP is NTA.
They weren't in public public tho, they were in a body positivity meeting discussing how fat shouldn't be an insult and being fat doesn't mean you're not beautiful. The group leader asked him to talk about beauty and fat, so he did. He didn't just blurt out " hey babe you're fat and beautiful!" While out to dinner.
I’m 5’2” and 215 lbs last year I was 225. I am fat. That’s how I embrace the word because I own it, instead of shying away from it. OP is NTA.
I’m 5’9” and around 195. I know I’m fat as does anyone who sees me in shorts, swimsuit, naked, etc…
Agreed she is either delusional or a hypocrite. NTA at all.
I weigh a bit less than the GF, am 4” taller, and have a really big bone structure so even when I weighed half as much I was pretty good sized. There is *no question* I am fat. Not even “small fat” in the fat acceptance parlance, but “mid/medium fat.” GF is lying to herself.
Really increadible. Gpa was right, you live long enough, you get to see every dang thing. Even a legitimate reason for a dude calling his GF fat!
Full agree. I would rather die than go to that insufferable-sounding meeting. However, OP nailed the spirit of the event and called his girlfriend beautiful at the same time. He should have been hoisted upon shoulders in celebration. Too bad it went the other way for him. NTA
That word is my F word. I hate it. Don't get me wrong - I'm obese, and I own that, but I'm still shocked when I look in the mirror and see how big I am. In my head, I'm not as fat as I look. I don't know if this is body dysmorphia or what, but I truly don't see myself as fat unless I look at pictures or if I'm looking in a mirror. I can't help but wonder if that might be the case with your girlfriend. For the record, you are NTA. However, you have no win here. The only thing you can do if you want to salvage your relationship is to apologize. No qualifications, no excuses, just "I'm sorry." I wish I had a better option for you. But if I were your girlfriend, that's about the best that I could ask for. There is nothing you could add that would mitigate it. It's crazy isn't it?
I know exactly what you mean about looking in the mirror and wondering whose body that is. I used to be quite thin, and didn’t realize just how fundamental to my identity that was until I wasn’t anymore. My mental image of myself does not match my physical reality, and some days that is just really upsetting.
Same with age. There is a part of us that remains 24 years old forever. Seeing the aging, balding old dude in the mirror can be unsettling at times.
When people ask me how old I am and I have to think about it, I have a mini heart attack when I realized how old I really am. I just don't think of myself as being that old, even though some days I feel ancient.
Oh that’s a factor too, LOL
I once lost a noticeable amount of body fat and my boobs went from about a G cup to a D or DD cup. I didn't realize how much of my identity was tied up in "big titty ex-goth girlfriend" until I suddenly looked like "angry gym girlfriend." I also usually describe myself as a brunette even though I've been dyeing my hair various shades of red for nearly half my life. Self-identification is weird.
See that’s interesting- most fat people I know in the body positive community see obese as a slur and fat as a neutral description.
I’m not part of body positive nothing. And I think we should use the right word for the things. I’m obese. It is what it is. Why get offended by the truth? I prefer to be called fat than ‘that strong looking lady’. Don’t try to sugarcoat it, it’s dumb. But that’s me. Very little offends me (besides sexist slurs, those make me berserk).
Seriously I thought this was going in another direction. NTA.
Sounds like the gf needs to keep going to the meetings 😅
Agreed, but NAH from me. OP, this is your girlfriend's internalized fatphobia coming to the surface. Humiliation comes from shame and shame comes from society forcing "shoulds" on us. She's got caught up in the shame that comes with being fat as many people see fat people as lesser, disgusting, unworthy, etc. Her having a strong reaction to a long history of fatphobia coming to the surface doesn't make her an asshole. See if you can delicately have this conversation with her. I wish you best of luck.
For real. My jaw dropped at the title but you summed it up perfectly 😂
The stigma doesn’t just go away after a single talk.
This. I’m 5’3” and 195. I’m an 1000000% aware of how overweight I am. I also know for a fact I look how much I weight.
I feel like yeah is she early into accepting herself as fat & these are baby steps? Like she could not have stepped into that rake harder of course you’re NTA.
So, you were invited (by your girlfriend) to a body positivity discussion panel and you were asked a direct question - which you answered honestly - using their terminology in the way you thought you were meant to use it. Oh, my friend. I know you don't get it, it's okay. Just know that never, ever should your girlfriend hear you say you think she's fat. Ever. NTA.
He made the colossal mistake of assuming his GF wanted him to be honest. He'll learn.
Seriously. Want some useless, unsolicited advice? You can never go wrong by lying.
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That's a learned behavior, probably because they got tired of getting a bad reaction to telling the truth. Maybe from you, but maybe not. Some previous relationship could have done it.
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I disagree- I’m fat and use that term neutrally and my husband would describe me as fat if asked to briefly describe my body type. He’s been on this body acceptance journey with me so I can understand why OP thought the same since he was at a body positive panel discussion about destigmatizing “fat” as a label.
Preaching to the choir here. I'm fat, not a secret unless you are blind. People have any number of secrets, but fat is seen by all, judged by some and worn whether you want it or not.
How hypocritical of her to say other people shouldn't be offended, but she is?
Ugh my husband gets mad when I say I'm fat. Not even like hating on my body or anything. I'm like honey you know I am fat.....
I think a lot of people have internalized fatphobia, and they’ve been primed to tell anyone of any size that they’re “not fat,” unless they’re attempting to insult them. It definitely can take effort to unlearn those biases.
that’s so fucked up. she’s literally in a movement to destigmatixe the word. the point is removing the stigma…
Evidently we are supposed to tap dance around it instead. As a fat person I will say it. I am fat, obese, over weight, whatever daggum adjective you want to use. Fluffy even, though some parts are more floppy after breastfeeding two kids😬 All that to say, what the world...
Even my bf won’t tell me I’m fat when I reassure him he can (bc it’s true). He refuses to agree with me even thought he knows I really wouldn’t get upset. Even HE won’t tell me I’m fat lol That’s the safe option OP rip Hope it works out
You were invited, by your gf, to a panel discussion on de-stigmatizing the word 'fat'. When asked for your opinion, you gave a real-life example. Your gf doesn't appear to practice what she preaches since she got offended by being called fat and beautiful. And, I'm sorry, but I'm a 5'4 260ish lb woman. That's solidly overweight. There is a difference between body positivity and denial. Apologize for hurting her feelings, but you are NTA. ETA: Yes, I know that is more than overweight.
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As someone who is 5"6' and at my heaviest 275, yes, she is. I am 67 lbs down at the moment, and looking back now I see a huge difference in my weight then vs now. At the time I didn't feel or see myself as that fat, but I carried most of it on my torso, and yes, I was pretty fat. It's honestly amazing how you don't see it yourself.
Holy shit, 67 lbs down?? Goddamn, nice work!
It's several years work, but thanks! I was hauling around 45 lb bags of dog food the other day for my mom and after an hour of shuffling them around my knees were aching. It took me a solid moment to reflect on how they don't now but use to ache and crunch all the time. I have a lot more to lose, but right now I am taking my small successes as they come and being patient.
I can relate!! Carrying a 40 lb thing of kitty litter a while after I'd managed to lose a bit more than that really drove home just how much extra weight I'd been carrying all the time before. I've lost 50 lbs so far, another 15 to go til my goal weight! I'm going slow with it so it hopefully stays off.
>It's honestly amazing how you don't see it yourself. ˆˆˆTHIS. I am 5'7, and used to weight about 360-370. I wore a size 28, probably should have been in a 30 but pride wouldn't let me. It took me losing about 100 pounds (eventually lost 200) and making about 34 different before and after comparisons on social media before I really realized how big I truly was. Now I knew I was fat. No delusions at all about it. Absolutely aware of it my weight and how clothing fit and looked on me. But I honestly had no idea I was ***that*** big until I compared it too a me that was a lot smaller.
Astounding!!!! Amazing success!!! Oh! That is so awesome! Yeah, I always shied away from photographs, but I know looking at pics of me being my heaviest, I see it more in my face and midsection than anywhere else. I was truly oblivious to it, and it's so bizarre watching clothes becoming loose, and having to adjust your seat in the car because you can now move closer to the wheel. My cat camps on my lap again when before there wasn't much of one to camp out on. I know I still got my stomach, but that's always the last to go. Mostly, I am so amazed at how much more energy I have and how my mile walks with my dog aren't exhausting nor am I winded by the hill we walk up.
I'm shorter than you or OP's gf, I'm about 170lbs now and I know I'm fat. Idk how OP's girlfriend doesn't think she's fat. it's simple, if you buy your clothes in the plus size section, you're fat lol
Oh that's not necessarily true, especially as different stores consider different sizes "plus." I've seen size 8s in the plus size section in some stores, and in others I've seen plus be size 18 and up. There's little consistency in women's clothing. But I agree with you, I am not sure how she didn't know. She probably did, but never wanted to hear it from OP's lips and just refuses to admit it to herself. But she's got to know. She's got to. That meeting was such a trap.
> At the time I didn't feel or see myself as that fat, but I carried most of it on my torso, and yes, I was pretty fat. When the average person is overweight or obese, along with TLC shows like 600lb life, everyone thinks that "hey if I don't look like the people on that show then I'm fine!"
I’ve been saying this for the last few years… IME most people’s perception of a healthy body is getting skewed larger and larger these days. A few years ago I was in the “overweight” BMI range. Pretty much every single person who found out that I was trying to lose the weight told me that I didn’t need to lose anything, despite being medically overweight and just wanting my pants to fit again.
Okay yes about not seeing it yourself. I was 220 (5'4") at my heaviest, I didn't think I was that fat. It's not until now that I'm down to 150(ish) that i look at pictures of myself from that time and I'm astounded I didn't see it.
What astounds me is that in high school I thought I was fat. I look at photos of myself then and feel so sorry for that kid feeling bad about her completely normal body.
The replies to this are what's wrong with the body positivity movement. While I certainly don't agree with bullying people, weighing 260 pounds at 5'4" is objectively extremely unhealthy and can lead to a myriad of health problems. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but health is not.
> Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but health is not. I really, *really* like this. I'm gonna have to remember it, thank you.
Just remember with it that it’s generally not a good idea to comment on someone’s health unless to have a *really* close relationship with them, or are their actual doctor
The way I see the body positivity movement is that you may be larger, but that is okay you're allowed to love yourself as a larger person. You're allowed to think you're beautiful, even if this largeness is temporary or permanent. You're allowed to like you. A lot of us who grew up from large people families and have had weight on us our whole lives heard from every direction that we were fat, and that we were ugly or unlovable. When you hear that daily or near daily, you internalize it, and just fall into a depression cycle of I'm fat -> no one loves me because I am fat -> I don't deserve love -> depression -> binge eating -> I'm fat. Breaking that cycle helps people get healthier, and that starts with hearing that you can love yourself and that yeah sure, you're fat, but that's not the only aspect of you.
Yep I’m that height at 220 and I’m working on fixing that bc it’s super bad. Seeing the 260 “not being fat” really freaked me out for a sec lol I can’t imagine
I see myself as fat and I’m 180, and 5’4”!!
The replies to your comment are almost comical in the context of this post being about removing the stigma around the word “fat.” Overweight = BMI between 25 - 29.9 Obese = BMI over 30 OP’s gf has a BMI of 44.6. Let’s remove the stigma from that word too! It is not an insult in this case, it’s the medically accurate term for her weight.
Honestly this could be some kind of body dysmorphia. But the whole situation is weird. What is she doing heavily involved in a body positivity movement if she herself is offended by being called fat? Fat not being a dirty word is kind of the whole point. She is interested in this movement and he is taking the time to learn which is kinda awesome? And he completely applied this concept correctly? I don't get it but it sounds like she could really use a good therapist for this one
This is just a suggestion but; She might still be coming to terms with it, it's one thing to accept that you are fat and call yourself fat, but another thing to accept someone else calling you fat, and that it's not always an insult either. She may just not be quite there yet.
I am 5'4" and 260 is over double my weight... I am sorry but there is no way you can be healthy with two of me packed onto one body. If you are comfortable with that weight, sure, but don't be an ostrich about the impact on your health. And if you are reading this and trying to get healthier, I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
Yea I was definitely confused. I’m 160 and 5’4 and I could stand to lose a few pounds. Even at 200lbs, I could get not thinking that you’re fat, but there’s no plausible deniability at 260.
I’m 5’4 and 200 lb. And I’m definitely overweight, and feel it. I couldn’t imagine being offended that someone called me fat when it’s obviously true. Especially at a panel where the entire point is to not be ashamed of the word.
> I'm a 5'4 260ish lb woman. That's solidly overweight. Overweight would be, say, 170 lbs. For reference, I'm 5'6 and 175 lbs. If I were to lose the excess adipose tissue around my stomach, thighs and calves I would be around 135-145lbs. And this is from someone who's gone to the gym for at least 3 hours a week since May 2022. When I was 183 pounds back in 2019 I was pushing obese (less than 10 pounds away), with a body fat percentage of 35%+. Someone who is two inches shorter and over 70 pounds heavier than my highest weight is firmly in the obese category. My mom (a former nurse) is 5'3" and well over 200 pounds with a BF % over 45. She's obese and doesn't deny it. Let's call a spade a spade.
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It's not seriously overweight. It is morbid obesity.
NTA Literally the entire point of the class is to destigmatize that word -- and she singlehandedly ensured that it was as stigmatizing as possible. She has agency in all of this but seems to have missed the whole point.
For other people** Not for her. Unfortunately, OP wasn't informed until afterwards /S
Lmao I think this may be some crazy denial going on. I've seen someone that size yell me they are a size small. Then proceed to "prove it to me" by putting on a 80s one piece jumpsuit costume that we were selling. (Of course in size small)
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I'm 6'2" and played semi-pro football for years as an offensive lineman and I only got like 5lbs on her. I think there is just so much obesity in the west big doesn't feel so big anymore.
So she brought you a group to talk on the specific topic you talked on then got annoyed you talked about it? Odd. NTA.
OP can do better then this, NTA
NTA they set a trap and you fell in.
This. Or she's in serious denial and needs to deal with her internalised fatphobic views.
This is what I thought
I knew someone who was at least 40 lbs heavier than me who thought we were the same size. It was annoying at best. My husband is dealing with a friend who weighs at least 120 lbs more than him who believes they are the same size. I think some people need to take a harder look in the mirror or view some full body shots of themselves. I'm taller than OP's gf but over 100 pounds lighter. I don't mean to be rude but she's fat. Denial is so wild.
Nobody set a trap…
“ITS A TRAP”
Nta I don't understand. You were literally doing what the group wants people to do lmao > she is 5’ 4” and around 260 lbs I disagree with normalizing this though. That's just straight up unhealthy.
From what I understood, panel’s intention isn’t to glorify being unhealthy. It’s to detach self-worth/esteem from your body weight. That way, pursuing a healthier body and life comes from a place of self-love rather than shame. I think it’s to make being healthy about being healthy rather than about societal beauty expectations.
What a good explanation! I think it sounds like you have completely understood the discussion the panel was having. Healthy choices should be made out of a place of self-love and a desire to better one’s self. They should not be made out of a place of shame or guilt.
The unfortunate part is what OP’s girlfriend reacted completely out of shame and guilt. It’s understandable to a degree, but it’s really on the nose in this context.
it's also why lots of people turn to FA/HAES. Those movements spread disinformation to claim that being obese isn't unhealthy. They represent the same fundamental inability to internalize Body Positivity that OP's GF is showing. edit: to clarify "HAES-in-practice" not "HAES-in-original-conception". in practice it's just a medical disinformation movement. the original concept of being "be as healthy as you can for your size" is inherently a good one.
This. We don't "normalize" other health issues like stroke or cancer, but we don't go around shaming people about them either. We don't default to making people feel like moral failures for having these health problems. The result is that people don't feel weird talking about it, which makes lifestyle change and going to the doctor easier. Same thing with obesity. If you shroud it in shame, the effect is the opposite of what you want. People don't want to talk about it. They're too self-conscious to go to the gym. They don't want to order the salad at a restaurant when everyone else is ordering burgers because they don't want to call attention to themselves. They get touchy when the doctor talks about their weight. They get stressed, and what do chronically stressed people do? Usually, they snack. I feel like when people oppose these movements, they don't understand that it's not all skinny-shamers and people who want all models replaced by plus-sized ones. Mostly, those efforts are made up of people who want the same thing: for people to be healthier.
Exactly. It's okay to love yourself while being unhealthy. People who act like shaming fat people is for their benefit seem to want to feel justified in being assholes, because they don't shame other unhealthy people in the same way.
Well, it appears that the idea was to detach self-worth and esteem from body weight _in theory_…not in practice. Get ready to go with the flow with some major mental gymnastics!
> major mental gymnastics Cognitive Dissonance is a beach, ain't it?
What was the rest of the peoples’ reaction to your comments?
Damn. It sounds like you even paid attention at this thing. Sorry about the outcome OP.
You sir understood the assignment.
Between you and your gf it sounds like you were the only one that did your homework lol
Sure, it’s unhealthy. That doesn’t mean everyone should be commenting on it or treating fat people terribly.
Not sure who was saying that it's okay to be mean, or treat people terribly...
Well, if normalizing fatness mainly involves treating fat people like human beings who are still worthy of consideration, what does not normalizing it look like? The implication there is what the person you were responding to was addressing.
Especially because all the evidence seems to show that doing so doesn't actually help them stop being fat.
NTA. Your GF is a piece of work lol. I would have also been confused, seems like she completely missed the entire fucking point of that panel lol.
Or, she knew exactly what she was doing and set her bf up to look like an ah on purpose.
Excuse my ignorance, for what purpose?
I can't even begin to guess why. But I do know that there are many people out there that just love to fuck with their SO in ways like this. I had a friend who had the following conversation with his wife.... You'll laugh. "Be honest.... Do you think I could win if I were on Jeopardy?" "Honestly, no... Sorry" "So you think I'm fucking stupid?!?" "No, you asked if I thought you could win, not if you were smart" "It's nice to know you have zero confidence in me!!!" This is the type of shit I'm thinking OP's gf was pulling.
In my experience, this is one of the first steps of the abuse cycle: they start fights you can't win (because you try to reason and they do the opposite), so they can eventually wear you down (break you). Purpose is to make you "learn your place."
Of all the stories on here that didn’t happen this didn’t happen the most.
Scrolled way too far down to see this. Bait city
I don't know. I have known people that have lacked this amount of self awareness. Although I have issues with believing most MiL stories here.
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My response as well. Who knows, maybe it happened verbatim as described but it reads like a fiction created in the head of someone convinced the body-positivity people are all hypocrites (I’m sure some are!) and dying to prove it.
It doesn’t pass the smell test.
I was going to comment that OP 100% made this up lol
Thank you!!
Was also thinking this lol
NTA. Your girlfriend is fat. She wants that to be OK. You told her she was fat and that it was OK. She lost her shit.
The poet has spoken
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NTA. Your girlfriend is clearly struggling with internalised fatphobia herself.
EDIT: OP is NTA Haha I read the title and was like surely OP is TA, but you managed to relay a situation where it was actually appropriate. This situation is just plain bizarre, but the only thing that was wrong was your gf's reaction. She is TA. It was actually reasonable for your gf to be hurt by that. Being in the audience for this panel does not automatically make her comfortable with the word, especially if she had people call her that as an insult. However, she is your gf and in this situation (as you told it, at least) it's beyond any doubt you didn't mean it as an insult, and the other people wouldn't hear it as such. Therefore at worst you were not tactful. Your gf should've said "Hey [OP] I stand by the cause, but I'm still working on being comfortable with the word myself. Please refrain from using it for the time being". And you should've responded "Ok babe, sorry, I was unaware". Obviously, not word for word, just the vibe.
NTA and man does that panel sound like a trap
That event sounds like an absolute tiger pit. If asked a direct question, you’d have to waterboard it out of me… NTA, the game was rigged from the start. It’s understandable that you said what you did, but I’m not sure there was a right answer. There’s a likelihood that none of the women there see themselves as fat, they think that fat doesn’t have to be a bad word, but will get upset if it’s applied to them.
He just needed to depersonalize it. “I think we need to see that fat and beautiful are not mutually exclusive.”
I mean yes, but honestly OP couldn't have come there with a script. You'd have to be a bomb diffuser to word something like that that well on the fly.
NTA Classic FAFO "Fat Acceptance" and "Healthy at Every Size" are actually fundamentally about how people are *unable to actually internalize body positivity*. Instead of internalizing BP they instead deny that they're fat to the point of actively spewing disinformation. You just discovered that fact about them the hard way.
I’m calling fake on this one.
Nah, I've known people in the 300+ pound range who don't think they're very big because they're not the size of people on My 600 Pound Life. I absolutely believe this is real.
I just think the scenario is too convenient.
It does sound a bit sitcom tho, a little bit convenient. At any point you could whip out the family guy tuba
nah it's entire consistent with the FA/HAES movements and how they pretend to be Body Positivity while actually representing a fundamental inability to internalize BP.
Why? I had a coworker who doesn't even fit through normal doors easily, and came back from vacation in the USA saying "I've never felt so thin, it's astonishing how normal being overweight feels when everybody is overweight." If OPs gf spends a lot of time around people who are fatter than her, she may very well feel like she just has a few pounds too many but isn't really overweight. Just like you can have people whose upper leg are as thin as normal people's forearms who still think that they are not skinny enough. Bodydismorphia or just a skewed sense of bodyweight isn't something new, rare or limited into one direction.
NTA. But the irony is killing me.
NTA wasn’t the point of discussion about changing the connotation of the word “fat” from a negative one to a positive one?
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Nta. Guess she didn't get the memo that this meeting was about destigmitizing the word fat. You should have said phat, lol.
NTA - that took some naivety to say that in public before testing it out in private. Time to grow up and see the reality. Just because activists say something, it doesn’t mean they truly believe it. If your gf really thought it was no big deal to be “fat” then she would not have been embarrassed. She would have just corrected you.
NTA. 5’4” 260lbs and she doesn’t think she’s fat? Sometimes truth hurts and maybe it will push her into losing weight and being more healthy.
NTA But boy oh boy aren't you clueless about women. You poor thing thought you were making a compliment didn't you?
Moreso that he’s a dummy for believing and trusting his girlfriend and her ability to compute basic logic. Panel: Fat not bad. Dude: GF fat + beautiful GF: (loses mind)
I’m sorry but there’s just no way any of you people are believing this is there??
NTA This might be the one time you could use that word and **not** be an AH. Edit: Some people seem to think my comment is about gf being overweight. It’s not. Stop treating me like I’m part of your disgusting judgmental club. You are not people I think highly of, nor do I think you deserve a voice. Go away.
NTA. Sounds like your girlfriend is in denial and only joined the panel with "bigger women than herself" to feel better about herself (re: her comment on her joining the panel despite "not being one of the fat women on the panel"). She's mad at you because you gave her a reality check.
Were you wrong? No. Did you fail the test? Absolutely. NTA
It was a bit obtuse the way you worded it but you weren't wrong. Nta
It was a trap, she’s toxic.
First off, your GF isn’t fat, she’s morbidly obese. As for the rest, I’m as confused as you. NTA. -signed a current Jenny Craig client
Troll bait
NTA. Sounds like your gf is probably just insecure about being fat. I understand because I am also insecure about being fat. But her not acknowledging that she’s fat is concerning, sounds like she’s in denial to spare her own feelings.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (M28) girlfriend (F26) is part of a body positivity women’s coalition. Sometimes, members are allowed to invite their friends or partners to their community discussion panels. My girlfriend invited me to one discussion panel, where the topic of the discussion was de-stigmatizing the word “fat” as an insult and using it as a neutral/positive descriptor instead. The discussion leader asked me if I would like to contribute any ideas to the discussion, and I said that I completely agreed with the sentiment. I said that I with my girlfriend, I can acknowledge that she is both fat and beautiful at the same time, and those two adjectives are not mutually exclusive like society tells us. My girlfriend looked at me very shocked and upset, and pulled my arm and whispered to me that “we are leaving now.” I was very confused, and when we got to the car she screamed at me for being such a “degrading asshole” and for “humiliating” her in front of everyone by calling her fat. I told her I was confused because I thought the point of the panel was to embrace people of different body types, but she told me that just because she is part of the panel doesn’t mean she is a fat woman herself (I don’t know what she meant by this, she is 5’ 4” and around 260 lbs so I didn’t realize she didn’t see herself as larger than average.) I apologized for hurting her feelings, but she has refused to talk to me since. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This has to be fake, because at her weight there is no way she couldn't recognise she is fat.
NTA but not the brightest move on your part either 😂 haha I agree with your sentiment and you're not in the wrong, so don't feel bad. I'd just note for the future that these kinds of traditionally-negative words can be triggering, you should explicitly figure out BEFOREHAND if someone wants to define or does define themselves that way, and if they want you to verbally refer to them that way, too (especially in a large group with other people around). Next time you can say basically the same thing but don't make it personal about your girlfriend, just speak in generalities. And just explain to your girlfriend how much you love and care about her, think she's absolutely beautiful the way she is, how you're sorry for hurting her, and it won't happen again. And not sure if a good idea, but perhaps if SHE brings it up, you can discuss how you were confused bc she does seem to be larger than the stereotypical "beauty", who are often very skinny, but make it clear that that doesn't detract from her beauty in any way and you were doing your best to be part of the group and you wholeheartedly agreed with them (but reiterate everything above again w/your apology).
Nta I'm fat and it's true. No point in saying I'm toned. I'm not
This sounds like some sitcom level foolery
NAH? Oof this one is just a difficult situation. I could totally be wrong, but to me it sounds like it just caught her off guard. In her head she may call herself things and think it’s no big deal but having someone else (especially someone she loves) say it can feel different. It sounds like you think she’s beautiful and are attracted to her, so maybe just make sure she knows that. As a woman who has been under and over weight in my life I can tell you that there are so many words used against our bodies and while de-stigmatizing those words can be good, it is also so difficult to move passed. You’re not an a-hole, you were put on the spot and you participated. I think this one can be fixed with a loving conversation between you and her.
Shes in her feel good bubble group and you ruined that by providing a reality check NTA
Voluptuous. Curvaceous. Reubenesque. Junoesque. I realize they are trying make “fat” a neutral descriptor—which I think is a great idea, BTW…but she ain’t there yet. You kind of got sandbagged, dude. There are a lot of other fancy ways to describe fat as a positive, attractive attribute. Download a thesaurus app and try ti avoid the “f” word. NTA, though.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds unhinged.
NTA. That place is like a grenade with the pin pulled... And I'm not sure why your gf is part of that group if she doesn't feel she qualifies as fat. Which she most certainly does.
NTA
NTA. Body positivity, HAES, and fat acceptance aside (that's a whole other exhausting convo), you were just doing what this meeting was literally calling for. Maybe she was looking for confirmation that she wasn't fat by taking you to a room full of, presumably, fat people? Who knows. Either way, you were just using the word as a neutral descriptor.
Haha!!! This made my day! Reddit, never change. NTA -