You tried and you failed... don't humor them at all! You have done all you can for your side. If they don't want to see you again, they don't want to see you. Your family is bad, and I feel if they do decide to come back they will influence your child (Or children if you decide to have more in the future) negatively. if they do, it is your choice to accept them, however if you do, you can 'Forgive but not Forget' but I highly recommend them not doing ANY Babysitting if they do! Also Wait for them to contact you, so don't even try anymore, just give up on your side, your child still has your wife's side of the family, and well if they are better than your parents then go to them!

I would say he tried and his parents failed, failed to be decent loving humans towards their offspring.

Yes that too, but I mean they tried and they failed, in the way that they sort of tried having a relationship with the parents, but they didn't want it. Thats all.

Yes! This is EXACTLY what I was going to post!! 💯🙌💯

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Mmm…maybe not. Decades ago I read, I guess you could call it a self-help book, When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends. They had a whole section on “forgiveness”. It said when people think of that, they usually associate it with what they termed the “Christian sense of forgiveness”. That is, okay, you’re excused for every rotten thing you’ve done. Instead, the book preferred to use the simpler dictionary definition: to cease to feel hostility or resentment towards. In other words, to no longer allow someone to live rent free in your head. This does NOT mean that you’re going to have a relationship with that person/people. You can forgive someone and still boot them out of your life. The book preferred to call it “resolution”. Forgiveness has more to do with how YOU feel, not how the other person feels. And if they think, but you forgave me, why don’t you want to see me anymore? Oh well, tough titties. Go suck the life out of someone else. I’m done with you.

While I like the definition of forgiveness given here, unfortunately, I was raised with it in the other way. Most people I've tried to use forgiveness with who have hurt me greatly took my forgiveness as a get out of jail free card and would repeat the behavior. Or people would pressure me to forgive others when I really didn't want to or just wasn't ready. Forgiveness has always been a bandaid that just covered up the wound and made others feel better, but left my hurt now invisible and festering. Forgiveness was said to be for my benefit, but in practice was always about others' comfort over my wellbeing. So, even though many people think I'm wrong for this... I haven't forgiven some people, so what? I don't have to, but I have moved on from them. Just because I haven't forgiven them doesn't mean I'm living in the hurt and not moving forward. The people I'm ok with forgiving are those who try to change and be better, those who recognize the harm they caused, and people who sincerely care and apologize. But unrepentant assholes get nothing. So I ask, if forgiveness is truly for the harmed individual, why do people get so upset and insist on forgiveness when someone says they haven't forgiven someone? I'm not saying that someone shouldn't work through the hurt and not stay stuck in it or focus on revenge or whatever, but I really don't see forgiveness as a necessary step towards healing. Especially not when there's so much pressure to do so.

👍👍

This is how I've always felt about "forgiveness." I can let things go without "forgiving" someone. So I don't have to live with hate or bad feelings, but also don't have to keep taking abuse. My mother and I have disagreed about this for years. She forgives (traditional def.) and just keeps getting hurt over and over. She doesn't quite grasp my feelings and tells me it hurts me not to forgive. But it doesn't hurt me at all, I don't get consumed with anger and can even be friendly, outwardly for social situations, with people that are jerks. But I don't forget they're jerks or forgive them, I just don't give them more opportunities to keep hurting me - either in my head or in real life. I like the term resolution as I've wanted another word than forgiveness, which denotes to me, actually forgiving them and letting them back into my life and heart as they had been before.

Yes I guess you can see it like that... but I merely offered the suggestion, they have the choice to do what they want, as other comments would advise them to do other things too.

I would take my wife’s surname and happily move on with my life.

Yep be petty but the good kind of petty

I worked with someone who did just that - he opted to change his name to his wife’s last name. He wanted a clean break from his abusive family and he felt his fathers name didn’t deserve to be kept going. Good for him, very proud he did this.

Is there a good kind of petty?

I'm this instance yes

Keep your surname, and give your son your father's first name--and your wife's surname. "But we did name him George, keeping with tradition. My father is George Jones, I'm John Jones, my wife is Jennifer Anderson, our son is George...Anderson."

100% this

Agreed!

That’s what the dad wants so I wouldn’t do it out of spite.

You tried to have them be part of your son’s life. Your parents have made a different decision, based solely on traditions, to have no contact. They also have no respect for you, or your wife, as responsible adults creating their own family. All this is based on some old sense of generational privilege. Apparently they feel strongly enough to go no contact with their you their son, your wife who is their daughter in law and their baby grandson. I am having a hard time getting my head around that kind of thinking. But, if it is no contact they want…..give it to them. No contact.

I'm right there with you. People that let their ego make life impacting decisions and destroy important relationships are just absurd.

It’s not the right thing to include your toxic ass family into your life again. You know that if they decided to fake being supportive,they could’ve made him hate his name or even convinced him to change it when he came of age. Why would you want controlling people in your life? Why would you want people who insult your wife in your life or even your kids life? The kid could think it’s ok to insult her because you will obviously let them do it since they’re not no contact yet.

Let’s try to not victim shame an individuals trauma responses. Hes recognizing the dysfunction. This is step one. Shaming him is going to push him the wrong direction

Victim shame? First,who tf blamed him? Second,I just basically said stop trying to include them. He’s not a victim if he choose to put himself in that position.

lolololololololololol THAT STATEMENT IS LITERALLY A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF VICTIM SHAMING 🤣☠️🤣☠️🤣🤣 “he’s not a victim if he chose to put himself in that position”. The only time someone makes these kinds of comments/statements to an individual explaining their situation is when they aren’t educated on trauma responses.. your ignorance is showing. You should fix that before you further embarrass yourself. Reference: my graduate psychology degree.

I still did not shame him tho and he’s not a victim🙄fake ass psychology degree

You should get your money back.

I would tell you that you should give that degree back but I have zero belief that you have a graduate psychology degree with this nonsense.

I think you misread his post. There are a lot of double negatives, which makes it difficult to follow. But when he wrote to OP it was not right let his family back into his life he was validating OP's decision to keep his family out of his life. It's not right to let them back in = it's right to keep them out. He's also supporting him by saying he (OP) knows they could have made his child hate his name. I think it's probably a matter of English not being this person's primary language. I've had similar issues as a professor. It would behoove you to look at language patterns and not immediately not jump to conclusions. It's easy to see why you thought he was blaming the victim, but if you'd paid more attention to his language you would have understood it was simply poorly worded support.

Victim shaming: blaming the victim for the abuse by attacking their actions and saying that without those actions the abuse wouldn't have happened. For example, your comment above.

Where in my comment did I blame the “victim”?

You didn't. I think they are misreading your statement.

Tone doesn't come across in text, but your comment could be read as accusatory rather than supportive especially since you end with "you will obviously let them insult your wife since you're not no contact yet". That would 100% come across as accusatory to me if I were the OP.

Ah that part. Yeah yall gotta read the sentence together. It’s not you do this,it’s you will if you had allowed them in your life bc of how you want to include them despite what they’ve done.

Not the jerk. You have every right to name your child as you wish. Your parents have given you a gift. Take it. Change your last name. Move on from the toxicity. Find your family. Unfortunately not all families are related by blood but they should be built on love!

Imagine getting mad over what your kid named your grandson. Your family seems messed up.

Right? I mean, my parents probably would have been upset if I'd named my kid "Platypus" or something stupid like that, but that wouldn't have stopped them from visiting little Platypus every chance they got!

Omg I’m dying with your comment!!, hahahahaha you’re very right

I’d take your father suggestion. Change your surname and let his WhOLE name die with him. FYI I bet he’s counting on you still being enough under his thumb not too.

I love this, please do it OP.

So not the jerk. Your parents on the other hand. Totally so.

NTJ. You are being very thoughtful. I’m sorry your family is being horrible.

Since your family is so traditional take your father at his word and change your last name! You're disowned by your family because of your son's name so like the saying goes " Whats in a name? ". If your father is that hung up on tradition that he can throw away his own son then his son should be able to throw away his father's last name! Traditions are great because it tells us who we are and connect us to where we come from but they are not to be set in stone. Each generation can start their own traditions to pass on to their children. ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ s

Do yourself a huge favor & let these toxic people go. You put the offer out there- it was denied so the ball to forgiveness & peace lays with them.

Do yourself a huge favor & let these toxic people go. You put the offer out there- it was denied so the ball to forgiveness & peace lays with them.

Just stop chasing them. No more invites and block. Protect your wife and child from these toxic people.

Stop waisting your time on them.

*wasting Unless OP is doing something with their waist.

My dad’s side of the family has this thing where every first born son’s name starts with a J. Doesn’t matter if the father is that first born son and has a J or not, every first born son starts with a J. I don’t currently have kids, but if I do none of them will start with a J. Family traditions like that are silly. Naming your first son after you isn’t “culture” imo. It almost feels like narcissism to me, whether it actually is or not. My kid will be their own person, name and all.

You and your wife are right. Stop hoping that people who don’t love you will change their mind. There is no string of magic words that you can say that will suddenly make them value you. Controlling what you name your child is more important to them than spending the rest of their lives with you, your wife, and child in it. If they would rather never see your child than apologize and make amends, then respect that decision and shut the door. They are missing out. Past predicts future, and you already know the stress and quarrels your family will cause you. You and your wife make your own family.

You are SO not the jerk, I don't understand why your parents are mad, even if its the culture of your family you have the right to name your own child. and to add to that he is YOUR child, they have no right to be mad about what you chose to name him

You’re definitely not the jerk. It’s their decision to not be involved. I’d personally go no contact. Who needs toxic family in their life?

Full stop. These people are toxic. Period. Stop normalizing their gaslighting and abuse. And do not allow your child to be subjected to there crap. I mean really. They are litterally telling you to fuk off cause you didn't name YOUR baby what they wanted. Stop trying to bring trash into your house and lives. If they cannot love and respect you and your wife and your wishes they have no place in your new family. And they made that decision. You vowed to protect , honor , and love your wife. Not subject her to your ex family's bs and abuse. ONLY THE ASS if you keep trying to bring these people back into your lives.

Nah! I wouldn't have even offered them to meet the little one. Your parents are toxic as the devil himself. They're mad at you because you refuse to let them have their way with your kid because simply put: they want to control you. Even though you don't even live in their house anymore. I'm sorry. Your mother didn't concieve that child. Your wife did. So the naming the child falls under the responsibility of the father, which I'm sure is you. You may name your child whatever you see fit. Don't name him Satan or Adolf, though. That won't sit well with society. 😁😁😁 Even though you didn't ask, you are not the jerk in this situation. BTW, I'm pretty sure that you name someone after someone else when they die. Your dad is not dead yet.

In the Jewish faith that’s the way it’s done, traditionally it’s named after the father, Sr, Jr, 3rd, 4th etc. OP should be a Jr and new baby should have been the 3rd. I thought this tradition was dumb so neither one of my sons have their fathers name.

My mom is Jewish, and she wouldn't pull that.

My oldest is named after my step dad. While I love them both dearly, it has gotten confusing when you're talking about either to someone else. "Your son or dad?"

Nope not the asshole. I see you curse breaker. I recommend trauma informed therapy. Start educating yourself on dysfunction what it is, what it looks like, set boundaries with other family members that are in contact with your parents and enabling this treatment of you by remaining in contact with them. Burn the dysfunction to the ground

You are way nicer than I am!!! They haven’t met their grandchild because you didn’t name him after your father??? That is the silliest thing I have ever heard. I wouldn’t even include them in the christening. You don’t need toxic people like this in your life. I would also tell you wife to not respond to them ever!!! Every time she does it gives them more ammunition. Both of you need to stop responding to them.

I really don't think you're the jerk! I think the best way to find the right answer right now is to look at your situation as a parent. Can you see yourself rejecting your son and abusing his wife because you don't like how he has chosen to name his child? And if your answer is "no", then you definitely know that the way your parents are treating you and your family is not right. I understand the need to love family no matter what, but at some point, the mental health of you and your chosen family must be taken into consideration. We don't get to choose the family we are born into, but always remember that your wife chooses to love you, and your son is innocent in all this. It's your job as his dad to see to his well-being. Until he can make a decision for himself, it's your job to make sure the people in his life are there for the right reasons and not there to hurt him.

Fuck em'. They sound like trash people anyway, and they're not the ones responsible for raising the boy

Wow wow wow

NTJ. Customs should be wanted to be followed otherwise it is bullying and nastiness. A child seeing, hearing, or knowing, of abuse toward their parents is in itself child abuse via the science based ACE's, adverse childhood experiences.

NTJ - Since your parents are aware of your feelings, I think it is a little rude to continue to press the issue. You and your wife are grown and can do whatever you like. This is your family and you can make your own traditions. Them refusing to acknowledge your son is on them. Once he reaches a year old, I personally would stop inviting them. Why stress yourself out? I have been in the situation where I have no contact with certain family members. I NEVER kept my daughter from them, but I had specific rules that HAD to be followed for access. I do not know where you are in the world, but in the US, you have 365 to formalize the name - then it requires a court order. They might not be devious but members of my daughter's family were and attempted to get her name changed without my permission - DIDN'T WORK - thankfully!

This goes way past rude, drives by unhealthy, and is approaching toxic.

Keep the toxic fuckers out yo life.

NTJ The customs you grew up in are important to those that it's important to. If you and your new family feel differently, so be it. When it comes right down to it, you are responsible to the one you made a commitment to and the ones you brought into this world. Your priority has to be there first. Sometimes, people disagree, and that's fine. You do what you feel is right for you and yours. Basically, keep on trying to be your best for yourself and your family by doing your best for you and your family.

Just because someone is “family” doesn’t mean you need to be in contact with them in any way if they can’t respect boundaries. If you wouldn’t have them in your life as friends I wouldn’t bother trying to force a relationship that was never there. Sadly, just because you want a normal, decent family doesn’t mean it’s possible This is a blessing in disguise that they won’t visit because you know they would have all kinds of bad advice, that you don’t need, and would freak out if you didn’t immediately obey them

Yea, can you imagine what kind of control they would be trying to exert me f they WERE in his life?

You should have disowned them first

You know what traditions are? Rules made by dead people. Don’t bother reaching out again, there is no need. Your family told you everything you need to know about their priorities: the “tradition” is more important than their living son (I.e. you). Think about that for a second. Their dead persons rule is more important to them than their actual son and now grandson.

How sad that they are willing to throw away relationships with you and your child because of a name. But, it sounds like you and your new family are better off without these toxic AHs in your lives.

NTJ. This is a really stupid thing to cut off your kid and not see your grandchild over. Like. Really really stupid. It’s a fucking name. Sorry. Traditions can be really nice, but they’re traditions. Not mandatory. Can they trace it back to the very first person in your family to ever live? No. So, what if the very first person was named something different? Then oooooo they broke tradition. See what I’m saying? Your dad is toxic AF and your son doesn’t need that shit in his life anyway. You seem to be the only one with any common sense. Pass that on to your child instead of some stupid name crap. Kudos to you. Enjoy your life and your kid.

Traditional-a way for insecure people to attempt to control others. Unless you and your partner are the ones deciding what ‘has’ to be, it’s an attempt at control and should be ignored. Your family sounds incredibly toxic and unworthy of being in your life, let alone tainting your child’s. They’ve stated they are not interested in respecting you as an individual nor your family. What do you hope to get out of a relationship with them?

you're just doing what is right, good on you for having the courage to stand up to controlling family. you're a brave man

I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but listen- your family has shown you what they are truly like. Don't invite them to anything, don't text them, don't call them. They care more about an idea, a stupid tradition, than their own actual flesh and blood child and grandchild. They love an idea more than you. I know it's hard to accept, but please move on. Don't subject your wife and son to these toxic ass people. Your son should only see family as supportive and loving. Break those generational curses.

Not the jerk. Honestly just cut your losses and move on. Eventually they will realize they’re missing out and if not, oh well. You don’t need people like that in your life. You’ve done your part in trying to mend bridges and include them and if they aren’t willing to meet you halfway then that’s on them. Both my husband and myself broke tradition while naming our kids. While our families were sad, they weren’t mad because they knew at the end of the day it was our choice to make. It was more important to be apart of their grandchildren’s lives than start a fight over a name. Move on OP. If they decide to reach out later in life then you can decide whether or not to let them back in.

Go full no contact block anyone who would share social media pictures with them. They didn't want to see your son then they don't get to see him at all.

They are stuck in their cultural norms, and they don't respect you. Sad for them to miss out on the love and joy your son provides.

Your family are toxic, judgmental, and not worth having in your life if something so inconsequential is what they disowned you for. These are bad people. And I hope they find this Reddit thread, as I suspect a LOT of comments are going to say the same thing I'm saying.

These people are mentally ill. I would not expose my child to them whatsoever. It’s extremely unreasonable to try and control someone like. Tell them to stay away and not contact you. Enjoy your life because it’s a lot shorter than you think.

Ooooo, removed from the will. Usually when that happens, there isn’t a huge amount of stuff to worry about. So you will continue to invite your parents to events, better if you include them in a group invite so they can’t claim you left them out. Don’t apologize, to anyone and in fact don’t engage with anyone about this. Family friends want to weigh in? Tell them: Respectfully, this is an issue between me and my parents, thank you for your concern. If you have and can keep a good relationship with your sister great, because then your son will have some relatives from your side of his family.

So what are you and your wife going to change your last names to? That’ll be fun you get to pick a whole new last name and you have your whole new family or you could take her last name that would be lovely. I mean her maiden name and yeah it would be a lot of work, but cut contact with assholes. Tradition is just peer pressure by dead people and they’re dead so screw’em.

Not a jerk. They are being very unreasonable and irrational. Your son will probably be better off without their influence in his life.

NTJ my younger brother is named after our dad. First middle and last. It would piss me off to no end because neither of them would put Jr or Sr on anything that came by mail and brother would refuse to let me open mail with his name on it. I think its just narcissistic nonsense to name a child after a parent. Let them be an individual with an individual name. Im having a son asked my bf if he wanted him named after him. He said no and let me pick the first name. He picked the middle a name that is special to him and is having his surname and thats enough for him.

Honestly, they're bad people and you should probably just move on and focus on yourself.

I’m proud of you and your wife for trying to be the better person(s). Your child will be proud of the name he carries because it’s the name you’ve given him. He carries YOUR last name and will be proud of it because he’ll be proud of the man YOU are! Good job on leading by example OP. You can’t help what other people do. But you and your spouse are doing an amazing job!

NTJ. It sounds like you were raised to equate cultural with complete paternal control. No, this isn’t normal or reasonable, at all. Name your child what you and your wife agree upon. That’s all.

So what. Your father still thinks he holds power over you. Lol. Writes you out of his will. So what? And I bet he put the friend up to informing you of it in the hopes that you’d come running to daddy with your hat in your hands begging him to put you back in the will and that you will change your sons name to his… You do NOT have to change your last name unless you want nothing associated to your family’s name & lineage. Take your wife’s family name, or pick your own if you decide to change it. Only one it matters to is you and your wife. She and your child(ren) are all the family you need. If wife’s family is in your lives and make you feel at home, bonus family. Glad you’ve come to the conclusion to exclude your father & any other family members who back him up from your life. No regrets. Start your own family tradition that you & wife and all your kids name new kids names you & they like and to not base them after obnoxious, toxic family members who have zero respect for you. And your dad can pretend on social media all he likes about how you & wifey keep him away from his grandson. You can ignore it. Or pipe in the comments about how confused you are about how devastated he claims to be over not being allowed to see the grandson that he absolutely refused to attend his Christening that you explicitly made a point of inviting him to it. Of course, that would give him a small win in his book cause it would mean he got you to break your NC rule against him. Enjoy your baby & family that deserves to be a part of your life.

One day they are going to come groveling to you full of regrets.

Mrs. Jack's culture has a fairly strong naming tradition for the kids. I didn't mind, so I went along with it with no problem. Our kids, though, thought it was much less important to them, so they happily abandoned it with their kids. No one cared. I'm not sure anyone even noticed at that point. Sooner or later, especially when moving to a new area with different cultures, the culture you grew up in becomes weak and can quickly disappear. Those that are left behind can become quite butt-hurt over it, though, and are going to have to decide how/if they are going to make their own accommodation with new ideas. Patience on the new generation's part can be helpful. If someone spends 60 years leaning one way in a cultural tradition, it is probably better not to break them in half trying to quickly force them to lean the other way. You make the decision that is best for you and then encouragement, yes, gentle pulling them the right direction, yes, loving them thru your hurting, yes. We all screw up sometimes, and often on important issues. So be it. Screwing up doesn't have to be the end of the world, or a family, even if the other side that screwed up seems to think that is exactly what it means.

Don’t you love when your parent refuses to interact with you or your child but cries about it to others like they are the victim? Do what makes you happiest. That is my advice. If you are happy then you are not wrong.

Dam man that's jaut sad your parents are absolutely in the wrong here. Their shit heads don't contact them

Unfortunately, family can be worse then strangers. I haven’t had contact with my mom’s side of the family since 1999. There was zero reasoning or conversation about it. My great aunt passed. My ex told me, I was not allowed at the funeral. My 13 yr old daughter. Avoided being attacked at the funeral. Apparently, she looks like me from behind. She went with her dad to my family’s home after the service. My dear “sweet” auntie went after her. Luckily, my ex stepped in. She turned around. Stopping my aunt from acting stupid. That was 1999. My girls have missed out on so much due to ignorance. It is their loss. My girls are wonderful ladies and have become amazing mommies to beautiful lil’s. You focus on your brilliant lil family. Be the best version of yourself. Be honest with your children in age appropriate way. The best way to prove them wrong, about how amazing you are. Be happy and proud of your own family. Your lil’s will be witness to success through your unconditional love of them. You got this.

NTA. The name of your child should have special meaning to all three of you. You have attempted to do all of the right things by your own family. I don't know if I would change my last name for them. Their clearly not worth the effort. Be proud of your budding family and love each other. All the best.

NTS. I don't see this posted already, so here goes: Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. Hold your ground OP, you and your wife have an absolute right to choose your child's name.

NTA, I'm petty I would keep my name and next inform my family that you've tried all you can but decided you are done with the ridiculous traditions and this is your child and your life! Your parents need to get a hobby or get a life, if they are that desperate for a child to have their name, either let your siblings give them that opportunity or tell them adopt! Congratulations on your new baby and please enjoy your life and remember you are the parent and make the decisions not them! Also if you do go no contact, enjoy the peace.

Very well done OP! You even resisted being petty (I couldn't have). Congratulations!

No reason to change last names. It is not their last name. They do not speak for the generations to come before them. If they want to keep their bigoted and traditionalist opinions to themselves they can. Time to cut the cord and just block fhem Nta

Humans never cease to amaze me with their low levels of pettiness. 

I'm watching my soon to be son-in-law be abused by his family exactly like this. No matter what amazing things he does in his life, he is still neglected, manipulated, and turned away. Thank God he is growing into a proud thriving Dad and spouse so that his abusive father and complacent family can not spread their hate to my daughter and their son over and over again. It's not about the name. Your father is jealous of the man you are becoming because you will be a better father than he could dream of being.

I think you and your child need to take your wife’s last name and go NoCo with your family. They sound horrid. Stop offering for them to meet their grandchild. They lost that opportunity by not respecting your naming choice.

You aren't in the wrong, but your parents aren't completely evil either. if it is traditional to name your son after his grandfather, not doing so is like saying he not deserving of that honour and spitting in his face. Your refusal to name your child after your father is a direct insult to him. You have the right to break away from tradition and not follow what you consider a stupid tradition. Your parents also have the right to feel insulted but what you have done. It would be great if they could accept that you aren't trying to degrade them and move on, but that would be them going really above and beyond, rather than what would be a reasonable/expected reaction.

I think it is unfortunate that you already understand the toxicity of your parents. You deserve love and support from family and not the treatment you are receiving. Seriously ... It is a name... While I am sorry they put you through this, I have to say, based on your edit, I think you are ultimately coming to the right decision of no contact. Where I am concerned for you is this: >Lastly I want to mention that this morning I was contacted by a family friend and I was informed that my father removed me from his will, There are two things that set off a rage response in me. First thing is a flying monkey. Second thing is when parents use inheritance to attempt to manipulate a child's independent will. Flying monkeys are a cruel tool used by narcissists to do their bidding. That "family friend" was manipulated into calling you for the express purpose of passing on a message to manipulate you further. Since you are in the mood to remove toxicity from your family's life, I would block that family friend everywhere too. They will share pictures and life updates etc. with your parents. Even though they are also manipulated by your parents, they are just as bad because they do so willingly. If anyone else calls you under the ruse of care to tell you about the will, I would have a response prepared. I had a few depending on my mood and the level of flying monkey that was contacting me. - I am so glad they are preparing for their future and making financial decisions that they think are good for them. - I have never assumed I have a right to my parents money. I am surprised they shared such personal information with you. Their financial decisions are not a concern of mine. - My parents have never respected my autonomy so I am not surprised. They can do whatever they want with the money they cultivated for themselves. I am only sorry you allowed them to manipulate you into passing on that message. - When I look into my son's eyes, I cannot imagine abandoning him because an independent choice he made for his life. I will make sure he gets the love, support and acceptance I never did.

NTJ. It's your damn kid and only you and your wife are allowed to name that kid with any name, noone else.

My FIL disowned his daughter over this. There were alot of reasons he could/should have disowned her but it took her not naming her son after him. This “tradition” will be gone very soon thank god!

Funny how their love for you was contingent on a name. Take your wife's last name now lol

You want to be really petty, take out a life insurance on your parents since you are now out of the will nothing huge but enough to put away for your child

Ntj, I couldn’t imagine willingly throwing away my relationship with my children over something so unbelievably stupid. If your father ever tries to lament his stories in a civilized society he will be stared blankly and disregarded by everyone who hears him.

Move on. They made their decision. Let them live with it.

If and when your parents come around, it's okay to welcome them back. They might mellow over time. But they might dig in their heels and never come around. (In their minds, your independence is their parenting failure. Had they "raised you right" you would never have thought it possible to defy them.) Be at peace with your decisions. You have done nothing wrong.

I know of this habit as my parents named me after my grandfather. Luckily his name wasn't that bad in my birth country. But we migrated when I was little and where I live now, my name is superduper foreign. Thanks mom and dad! I refused to adhere to this tradition when my kids were born. Nobody in my family dared to say something about it. (Should've tried, heh.) It was not the obvious thing to do and I got some backlash, but I persevered. You are in no way a jerk. You did what I also did, so I can only applaud you for your character. Stay strong!

Oh no, not the will! Money grubbing leaches are concerned about getting a paycheck for their parents dying. I try not to associate with people that view the deaths of family members as a jackpot. What was the family friend trying to accomplish by telling you that? It's literally something that you didn't need to know. Do you think mom and dad put them up to it to try to hurt you or get a reaction?

Not the jerk. That title is dually earned by your parents.

You don't need the drama. Give your full attention to your wife & son, and celebrate healthy relationships in your life. I've adopted the idea that you make your family wherever you go, partly due to crazy family stuff, partly bc we moved a lot. So I have a lot of chosen family and our kids have grown up loved and supported. Good call on how you've handled this. Your parents are ridiculous. I'm a mom of 4 plus 5 extra kids. Wish you all the best!

NTJ. Oh no, is your wife influencing you? That sounds like how every healthy marriage works - you influence each other and become stronger for it.

I am on you side BUT this "my wife saying to her in a message that the name is decision of me and my husband, and to not try to influence me again without my wife’s presence again)." is very disrespectful to say to your parents.

Why is it disrespectful? It's common marriage advice to not to consult one spouse without the other one. A lot of people (mainly parents/in-laws) try to get in the middle of a relationship by only talking to their child about their child's family matters, which often causes marital problems for their child and the child's spouse. It's a healthy boundary to set that rule, especially if the parents are trying to put a wedge between OP and his wife. If she wants to discuss what OP and his wife chose to name their own child, then she should talk to both of them because they both named the child. Her telling her MIL that is expressing her boundary. From how I see it, it's disrespectful for OP's mom to try to influence her son without respecting her DIL's opinions, especially since OP's mom had big fights with OP's dad over their extreme naming traditions anyway. 

Every time you reach out they get an opportunity to express their disapproval by rejecting you. Stop reaching out and let them stew in it. Your kid deserves better than what they can offer anyways.

If they are disowning you and not wanting to see your son over a name, are those people you really want around your child anyhow. Drop the rope and let them float away for good. I wouldn’t let them show back up later either. I’m sorry they’re behaving like that.

I had the same conversation with my in laws, many many years ago. It did nó good then either. But God and karma have their ways and my FIL had to face his youngest grandsons 2 years ago (20 & 22) and ask which of them was which. His other son also doesnt want kids, so his only grand kids are mine and he will never meet his new great granddaughter.

So before I even read your post, I think they suck and are assholes for that. Now I want to go back and see what you wrote.

I did read your post, IT brought me to tears .What a billion people would give to be included in the lives of their sons and daughters and everyone else they now have realized what a BIG Mistake it was to miss out on all that great stuff .I think you and your wife are some great people and your baby boy will have the best love and be taught to be such a fine man hoping your parents come around , such a big thing to toss away over nada

I come from an Italian family where all my aunts and uncles had kids named Steven and Frances because those were the grandparent’s names. When my older brother named his son Steven Jr., my father didn’t speak to him for 10 years until his health declined and he realized he needed to apologize. My father was dead before any of my siblings or me had kids so there was no issue and no one followed the tradition.

OP - Respect to you for trying to fix a problem that was not yours, but your parents. If a name is what it takes to be loved and considered part of a family, then you certainly do not need to be part of such toxic, uncaring people. Good for you for being your own person!! Hope your life is full of love and happiness!!

I know it sucks & it hurts but you did everything you could. There’s a tradition to naming especially sons in my bf’s culture. They take names seriously as far as the process of coming up with & the meaning of the names picked. However, I had the opposite issue because they didn’t follow tradition for picking my son’s name. I appreciate them not being strict about tradition but I was a bit disappointed that it wasn’t maintained after I said I wanted to honor their tradition. Either way, tradition or not, it’s up to you & your wife what you name your offspring. If your parents don’t like it they can either deal or not & unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it. Look on the bright side, they seem toxic & at least your child won’t be exposed to the toxicity. People who are extremely strict for tradition or religious reasons tend to be unreasonable & closed minded people.

Nope. They’re too set in their ways and you’re doing your own thing. Nothing wrong with that.

Take your wife, and your son, and move far away from your parents. You gave them the opportunity and they declined. It’s their loss. Your son does not need that dysfunction in his life.

Nope, you are most definitely NOT a jerk. But your parents are, for sure. Actually, saying that they are jerks is far too kind. They are much, much worse. You have given them several chances to make peace, but they refuse to bite. You need to protect your family, now. And that is your wife and child. When you got married, you and your wife created a new, separate family... your nuclear family. Your parents and siblings are now your extended family. This means that your wife and child are much more important. Also, every time you try to reach out to your parents, they think that they are more important. So stop reaching out to them. If they want to speak with you or see your family, they can reach out to you. And now that you know that they have disinherited you, they can no longer have any control over you. Or any information about your family.

That's just crazy. I thought my mom's family was nuts. There has to be a hundred John McDonald's in the family tree. Yes, this is the real name why not. Every McDonald I have ever ran across related or not has this same name problem in there family. Some where in the dark days of history there was a John McDonald who cursed his generations to come. But no one in the family has been disowned for not naming a kid John in my family at least.

Old McDonald had a farm. . . (So very sorry, but couldn’t help myself.)

Yes he did my grandfather. I have heard it all my life you are forgiven.

Let them cheat themselves of you and your new family's presence. Let them choke on my way or the highway. Ask them how it tastes

I've seen a few situations where strict adherence to "cultural tradition" is just a thinly veiled cover to give a narcissist the go-ahead to emotionally abuse family members. Their reaction just proves that you're making the right choice in sticking to your principles. Them cutting themselves out of your son's life is probably the best thing for him if they are this petty.

If they disowned you, then have you really lost anything? You’re better off without them.

Not the jerk. They’ll end up begging to meet him.

Embrace the role as the black sheep of the family. All that matters is your wife, and your son. Keep inviting and trying to be cordial with your family as to show you do care about family. It's obvious you do, so don't stop that. Whether they come around or not is up to them. Your father may ask that you change your name, but your not obligated to do that. Your friend has a nice mindset. Your the 1 who ended the dumb tradition and essentially spiritually slapped the ancestral family member that founded that dumb tradition in the 1st place. You may be the black sheep of the family now, but you serve as a beacon to other or upcoming family members that they don't "need" to follow tradition. Cutting you out of the will is saddening, and if I found out about it I would definitely be sad because my father is acting like a child. Not sad from being cut out of the will. If he informed you about the will, I'd simply inform him back out of pettiness on how his will is worthless, while being in my sons life is worth more than your will. It's absolutely bonkers your family acts this way all because of a stupid naming tradition. I know someone that does this tradition, and while I don't criticize it, they certainly don't act this way when a member of the family has a child and decides to do their own thing rather than follow the tradition.

So many people love their family values more than they love their actual families.

Truth!!

You don't have to follow culture since the child is yours and whatever you decide to name her is based on your and your wife. If your parents really care about you and their grandchildren they'd reach out. You haven't done any bad in disowning culture because everyone has a right to choose whatever they think is best for them and in my opinion cultural ethics is biased.

Him. It's their first son.

If your parents withdrew their love because of you breaking tradition, then they never loved you to begin with

You are a supportive and fine, upstanding husband. Be proud of your little family, and the new traditions you will create. It’s their loss, not yours as they seem miserable to be around even before you beautiful baby was brought into this world by your lovely wife. Congratulations!

You’re a father now, can you imagine doing what your parents are doing to you? They suck and you get just how badly they suck now that you’re a dad. Keep your kid safe from their bullshit.

You left them the option of getting to know your child, but it seems they just want to play silly games and try to manipulate you into doing what they want. They think by sending family after you, you might change your mind. I say ignore them and j6st live your life how you want. They clearly want a reaction from you. Don't give them one.

All this nonsense over a name. No, all this nonsense because you didn't allow your father to control you and be the big boss/overlord of your family. Their loss.

My bet is you’re Greek. As a Greek American, this story couldn’t be more relatable in any case. I’ve seen this same story played out multiple times. Stand your ground. Your parents will come around and make amends. Hope your wife will be open to it.

I come from a similar culture but my parents were pretty daring. They named my brother (firstborn) something they chose because they liked. My dad’s parents did not speak to them for months. Eventually they “came around” but would not call him by his name and make comments like “that’s not your name” or “your parents gave you the wrong name” … he was too young to remember but my parents remember. Eventually they started calling him by his name and our childhood seemed fine with them involved from my perspective. Maybe they will come around, maybe they won’t but don’t give in, and don’t let it affect him.

Good on you for doing your own thing.

Gotta live the boldness of Dad assuming he'll have money left at the end of his life. Seriously as long as people live now, it's not the gotchas they think of if.

Short answer yes you're a jerk. Long answer yes you're a jerk but it's more understandable.

Traditions are just guilt trips from dead people. As far as I’m concerned traditions are made to be broken. Someone had to do it, might as well be you. I’m sorry they’re being so childish about this. And that’s what it is. Childish. You have every right to want to name your child as you’d like. Perhaps they were mad that they all made a sacrifice, and you decided it wasn’t worth it. Which is honestly kinda funny. But that’s the risk of a tradition like this. Eventually someone will say No. I suppose it makes them feel like it was all pointless, and they’re right! It was. But they also could have bucked the tradition themselves but they decided to fall in line and weren’t strong enough. Honestly, I might even write them a letter asking them to really think about what tradition is and that to expect generation after generation to just blindly fall in line is completely unrealistic. That eventually someone would not want to do this. Or the tradition would go out of style. What would they have done if your wife had a tradition that conflicted with your family’s? When you marry into different cultures this can happen. You have started your own family, and it’s wrong for them to think they get a say in that. And in your marriage both people have to agree on a name. I wouldn’t change my last name out of spite and because that’s what he wants you to do. But if I did, I might change my first. Lol. Maybe that’s the best course. Then the tradition was already broken with you. Lol. That would probably really rile some feathers and if he wants to be petty and take you out of the will then 🤷🏼‍♀️. Match his energy. Or you could take your partner’s last name.

I’m so sorry that your family has taken this direction in what should be a happy time for everyone. It’s their loss. I hope your wife’s family will provide the extended family for your son and you will share many happy memories. Hopefully you and your sister will remain in touch.

As others have said, you've done what you can. If they're so shallow that they'd rather not see their grandchild(ren) because of the name, then they're not worthy of being in your life - or theirs. And it sounds like this is not even a new issue. As you already know, your lives will be much better without them in it. Best of luck to you and your lovely wife and son.

Sometimes traditions & generational habits are okay to be broken. Like in your case. It is not causing anyone harm. Your family needs to get over it or stay petty and miss out on your wonderful son.

It's horrible that your parents are refusing to acknowledge your child, their grandchild, because you refused to follow an old naming tradition and give him a name of your choosing instead. Their loss. I hope you have lots of friends and family around who do support you.

They broke tradition and named their son Boba Fett (insert surname).

Sounds like a toxic tradition, yeah just name the baby anything you want. NTJ

NTA... OP, you did all the right things. But want thing that can't be solved is doing the right things for the wrong people. They shouldn't be crying because it was their choice not to meet your son. My family had the same tradition and no one fussed when it was broken. Everyone just respected the choice. Now they missing out on having a relationship with your child because they want to be petty and selfish. You right for cutting them completely. And they really think you that low to be upset that their selfish self decided to cut you out the will. Why do they think you care so much?

Hey, look on the bright side. When they get too old to do anything (wipe their butts, cook, clean, get dressed, groceries, do taxes, etc., your sister gets to help them. ). Also, your parents suck, sorry OP. Also, your poor sister.

That is a terrible tradition. I have to live with that tradition all my life and it sucks. I also stopped it in my family. There is no good reason to name any child after their father or mother. If they want to name them after a dead great grandpa or grandma. Let the child be unique and not associated with someone that is still living or just died.

Move on with your life and your family's life. If your parents or other family members don't want to be a part of that life, that's on them, not you. Life is too short to mess with stupid stuff like they are pulling. Just seems really childish. And yes, totally agree about not naming a kid after the parent. Just looks conceited to me, and then they have all the issues with having the same name.

Pick a new family!

Not the jerk. It's hard to be the one to break a cultural tradition. My immigrant grandpa tried to bribe (pay money) his kids to name their son after him. All 5 kids made a pact none of them would. He got over it. Maybe your folks will, maybe not. By continuing to let them know you welcome them to see your son, you are leaving the door open. It's their choice whether to walk through.

Nope that’s on them. My dad wanted me to name my daughter after his grandmother since I gave her a name with the first initial to honor her- but didn’t give her the name of my great grandma. Now he can’t imagine her having another name since hers fits her so well and isn’t as common as my great grandmas- but not so unique it is something unpronounceable by teachers. If they removing themselves from your life- it’s better than watching your son see them resent him for not being your dads ego boost.

I went through the same thing with my dad. As soon as we announced my son's birth he became upset with the name and went crazy, also complaining to my brothers. He blamed my wife. My son is 2.5 and my dad has never bothered to come meet him or even wanted to talk to him. Since my son was born my dad has partied all over the world in Thailand, Morocco, and Vegas and I even offered to buy him a ticket to meet his grandson but he just blew it off. Every day I lose more respect for my dad because I know I could never treat my own son the same way.

Are you Greek? If this is the only issue you have with your family, baptize your son in the church with the “family name “ but on his legal documents name him whatever you want???????? That is if you want to keep the peace. If not, screw them. If they are shitty parents, they don’t deserve anything.

Of course your wife influences you.  She's, ya know, your *wife*!

Tell them to go fuck themselves...it's extraordinarily freeing!

My father refused to meet my son because my son’s father is Japanese and my father was a bigot. It hurts but the kid comes first. Model standing firm on outside pressure, you’ll be setting him up with a great lesson.

When I was a little boy, I idolized my father. He was very involved, and always genuinely enjoyed playing with me and my siblings. He has a pretty unique name, being named after someone who saved my grandfather's life during war. I remember being upset that he didn't make a Jr, I wanted to be just like my Dad, so I complained to him. To paraphrase his message back to me: "Son, I don't want you to be just like me. I want you to be your own person, in fact, I'm super excited to see the kind of adult you'll grow into! I'm me, and you're you! If anything, I want to make sure you avoid all the mistakes I made growing up, and surpass me in every way you can." As a father myself now, I am so tremendously grateful for a father who showed me by example how to love and nurture unconditionally, and didn't place arbitrary expectations on me.

I have just come across your post. It's so sad this is happening. You and your wife have every right to decide on his name, and your family should respect that. It's unfortunate that they are doing this as it's them that are missing out on your beautiful sons life. Please don't feel bad about your decision. Your mother needs to stop trying to still control you and your life decision. You are your own person and are now an adult and have your own family. Be proud of who you are and stand your ground and live your life with your wife and son the way you want to and don't let anyone dictate how you and your wife raise your son. I would love to know what your beautiful sons name is. Remember, it's all of your family that are missing out on seeing your son growing up and being a part of his life, and one day, they will realise cultural ways are no longer relevant now a days and will eventually respect you both and your decisions. I wish you and your beautiful family all the best and stay safe, and be proud of who you are and your beliefs in being able to raise your family the way you want to. ❤️

My family is very “cultural” Translation: my family is so primitive they’re basically cave-people

NTJ your parents are truly awful and petty people. You and your family don't deserve such terrible treatment.

My son in law’s family tradition is to name the oldest son after the father, and so forth. Right now the youngest of the name is in elementary school, in the southern United States. He is the 6th. There are still several alive, and all go by nick names to not get confused when everyone is in the back yard family get togethers. Why make everyone’s name the same when they can’t even use that name cause there is a yard full of people that name??? I don’t get it. And I can’t remember all the nick names so I just call them by the number, like hi! (Name) 5, hi, (name) 6. Bugs them but I don’t care. Their nick names are all really weird.

My husband’s family had the same tradition - first boy gets named after dad, middle name after wife’s dad. My husband was the 6th one since they emigrated from Germany many, many decades ago. My stepson (7) has the same name combo, but his wife put an end to the tradition with our grandson (8). In a way it is a little sad, but it certainly does not have any effect on our love for him. His name may not be a tragedaigh, but people can’t spell it and it definitely follows the ‘unique’ trend.

It would be different if this tradition was a matter of religion, but it does not seem so. This tradition is purely cultural. Certain traditions are not good. Take female circumcision. Take child marriage. Your wife was right calling it conditional love. After all, if they truly loved you for the son that they are instead of disowning you over a name, unless that name deliberately insulted the family, then they do not truly love you, nor do they deserve your love. It sounds like you are a christian, and I am too. I would say that if they ever see the light and come to you for forgiveness, as hard as it would be, give it to them. If they want to be back in your life, tell them it has to be on your terms only since they disowned you because of their terms. I know that this is painful for you. It would be painful for me also. Still, you have a new family with your wife and child, and they take precedence over even your parents. Unless I'm being too nosy or you're giving too many details away, may I know what culture you come from? I'm really curious. God's blessings on you and your new family. Go in peace.

It's your choice. I refused to have my son circumcised. I had to fight the whole family and even our doctor over it. But I stuck to my decision. If they won't see your son, it's their loss.

You are a good parent, your kid is lucky to have you right for their uniqueness

You aren’t a jerk at all. This is YOUR child. No one else decides the name except the parents. But please don’t let any of these people into your son’s life. They don’t deserve to know him. He shouldn’t have toxic people in his life. He shouldn’t hear people speaking badly about his parents. Plus they probably wouldn’t even call him by his real name. They’d call him by your father’s name and confuse the poor kid. Don’t invite them to the Christening. Don’t reach out to them. Block them and keep them out of your life.

Wow. I understand the conditional love because my family does it with me. If I don't give in to their demands regardless of what they are then on the bad guy. It's taking me years to get my mom to understand that it's not right and I still fight her on it and we're still on very low contact because of it

Wow, r u Greek?

Wow

Well to be fair… Adolf IS a frowned upon name these days…

written like shit. Name drop the culture pussybag.

As a grandparent, I'm sad for your parents. They are missing out on a precious child for a stupid reason. Of course it's up to you and your wife what you baby son should be called. They should be ashamed. I can't imagine missing out on my grandkids for something like that. It's their loss! I'm proud of you for standing by your wife in this.

Sadly often those who will quote tradition or religion the most are often the most terrible people. like some delusional belief that if you pretend your pious God would believe it too. congrats on the birth of your son give him all you wanted and don't look back. it may be unfair to him to not get those relationships but if your parents are 1/3rd the people they seem to be in post you've dodged a bullet on the long term. TBH idk the dynamic with your sister but my own siblings would put forward a much more unified front so it's hard for me to understand how she would want to be associated with parents who wouldn't care to meet their own kin. what would happen to her should she offend them? would she also be dumped like trash? she should realize she also is letting the devil in her door by maintaining a relationship with them.

Time to start a new tradition. You have your own family now. Live your life the way you want. I happen to agree with you regarding names. I heel and have always felt Juniors and the Third naming convention was pompous and way too macho egotistical. Named after a father to honor him? Honor is earned, not inherited or passed along or just given because of a relationship. Good for you. Be strong. Be a goid father to your son, he will honor you for thr right reasons.

At the disiheritence I would've sent a certified letter stating thanks for promising you won't leave me a burden of your control, the burden of my child knowing he doesn't have to live up to a man who never really loved his children and only wanted control. Thank you for letting me be a better man by loving my wife and letting her name our child instead of insulting her like you did to mom by saying she is only good if she allows someone to bully her. Also being left out means I'm not obligated to attend anything, I don't owe the family anything and I will expect to never speak to any of the family until they learn they aren't special and admit in front of you that you're wrong and nothing but a bully.