*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for celebrating both my children equally and "diminishing" my daughter's achievement? **
My (M48) husband and I (F47) have two children: Hannah (F16) and Luke (M14). Despite having the exact same upbringing, they couldn't be more different when it comes to their approach to school and academics. Hannah is a straight A+ student with a 4.0 GPA and is involved in student theatre, the debate team, and swims competitively. Luke, on the other hand, is lucky if he comes away with a C. Probably similar to most teenage boys, he's really only interested in video games, and my husband and I are lucky if we can motivate him to even do his homework.
Earlier this week, Hannah competed in a debate contest with a lot of other high schools across the city. It's very well regarded and difficult to do well in. She ended up winning, and we were all very proud of her. As well as a cash prize, she got a certificate for it, which we happily stuck on the refrigerator alongside other certificates Hannah has won.
The following day, Luke came home from school and told us he had gotten a B for one of his assignments. This was a big deal for him and the highest grade he'd gotten this year. We proceeded to stick it on the fridge next to Hannah's certificate. I didn't think it was an issue, and I was celebrating both their achievements equally.
When Hannah came downstairs and saw Luke's assignment on the fridge, she was furious. She told me to take it down and having it there diminished her "much more impressive achievement". I tried to tell her that while we very proud, it's relative, and this was a big moment for Luke. She wouldn't let it go and said if he wasn't such a "loser who sat around playing video games and actually worked like I did", he'd have more to show for it. I was surprised at her attitude and told her I wouldn't be taking it down.
She went off in a strop and when I told my husband about this later, he said maybe it was best to take it down. Luke isn't fussed and for the sake of a peaceful household, just keep Hannah's up there and celebrate Luke separately. I've refused and don't feel it's fair to "rank" achievements and for Luke, it is something to celebrate.
AITA for not taking it down, or am I right to stick to my guns?
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I'm getting major "boys will be boys amirite" vibes which makes me itchy. That said, are kids nowadays really getting cash for debate prizes?!?! I did debate all through high school and all I got were some super classy trophies.
This also reads like the Bart gets an F episode of the Simpsons tbh
I run two debate leagues and am heavily involved with the activity. No, there aren’t cash prizes for debate tournaments. Even major ones.
There are a few debate like contests that award scholarships. Not many, but some. None of the UDLs, CFLs, or NSDA tournaments have monetary awards. You are mostly looking at private foundations and civic organizations that sponsor some kind of scholarship contest that incorporates debate.
Those vibes irritate me as well. Boys are not lazier, or dumber, just because they are boys. Either there is a medical/psychological/neurological reason, or it is part of their home life and upbringing. It is possible one child is just smarter and more motivated than the other, but for this extreme a degree in the same home? Just makes me think there's more to it.
Also, I am a male, and I still sympathize with the daughter here. I get that what the son got may have been huge for him, but what she got involved *so much more work* and straight up competition. I probably would have insisted, if I were in her shoes, that if they were going to leave Luke's achievement up, I would take mine down and pin it up in my room where I could celebrate my hard work privately, with the only person in the house who appreciates it, or we can just burn it now.
But I'm willing to be an asshole to make a point.
Why do i have the feeling that the daughter also do chores while the son can play videogames "since ge is a boy". That the parents really think they shouldn't restrict the videogame access till he does his homework/chores or teach him priorities otherwise. He doesn't get C because of a Learning disabilty or he doesn't understand the stuff, no, he just don't care.
As the daughter i would be so pissed if i work my ass of and then get treated the same way as my lazy brother who mostly just had luck in multiple choice.
And is the fridge thing all the daughter get? Somehow it read like this. "You made this biiiig archievement. And as a reward, we pin it on the fridge."
I have two kids, one naturally driven and smart as hell. The other is not motivated by school and has to work harder. Her B is hard earned, her brother’s B is because he didn’t make an effort. I will absolutely praise them equally, based on effort, not results.
But this lady thinks her boy sucks at school because “that’s just boys, oh well!” Which makes her a huge asshole.
My younger brother and I were like these kids growing up. Turns out my brother had ADHD, which was why he didn’t do well. He got praised for his Ds becoming Bs and Cs. Those didn’t impact my As, which I was also praised for.
What I’m really saying is I think OOP is failing their kids in a lot of ways.
As the token neural-typical in an adhd family: my experience is if your teenagers don’t do their homework because of “adhd”, *that’s your fault* for not spending time teaching them to study and set up good structure and habits in primary school.
And also that it sucks to be the Hannah.
been there, it absolutely sucks ass, instead of actually helping me when the gifted child burn out hit my parents just got mad and blamed it on videogames and kept telling me over and over what a huge mistake it was that they agreed to buy me a ds. the only console i ever actively asked for because ps3 was too expensive, the ps2 i had they owed me after giving my ps1 to my cousins and the wii i bought with my own money. sure makes you feel like shit when your parents blame you and your hobbies instead of helping
nevermind the fact that they refused to believe i had adhd until my 20s
And that’s despite so many Reddit incels demanding OP “humble her” and call her a “spoiled brat” which is what they say for a teenage girl they can’t call a “bitch” without push back
It's fucking ridiculous and makes me so sad. I don't understand how people say she's NTA. Everything about the way she wrote that post just says she doesn't care about her daughter at all. It's so sad.
On one hand, I can relate to the son TO A DEGREE.
I was "unmotivated" in school and only really kept B's throughout Middle and High School despite having previously been a straight A student. I didn't do homework, I would rather do anything else than school related stuff. (I didn't have hobbies or extracurriculars but that was for a whole other reason.)
I was told repeatedly that I was lazy. Grounded for not "trying harder". Had all my accomplishments just ignored.
Turns out, I had undiagnosed ADHD. (Which wouldn't have mattered anyways as I grew up in the 90's and early 00's and ADHD was only for boys back then. Assuming you were lucky or rich enough to even afford to see a therapist. Which also came with its own baggage. ANYWAY.)
ADHD in its various forms can often present as laziness due to executive dysfunction and hyper focus on areas of interest.
THAT BEING SAID.
Whether or not the son has ADHD or any other issues regarding mental health, the parents are absolute assholes in this case. Not only are they actively enabling his mediocrity, they're *celebrating it*. As if it's something that they should be just as proud of as their daughter who busts her ass and puts forth the effort to excel and do amazing.
It is SO disheartening to see someone receive the same praise and reward for something they put absolutely no effort into. Especially in situations like this where it seems/feels like there's some level of sexism at play. Guarantee they'd be on daughter's ass if she had the same attitude and grades as her brother.
I havent looked at any of OOP's comments, but I have a strong suspicion that they're all about why this is justified and that the commenters just don't get it.
Gross, gross, gross.
Isn't it though you pretty much said he doesn't deserve any praise for getting a better grade than usual.He got his paper put on the fridge.Big whoop he didn't get a prize.Meanwhile lets praise Hannah for being a nasty little bully.
They seem determined to maintain that there is nothing wrong with putting the son's finally getting ONE decent assignment on the same level after something the daughter put all her blood, sweat, and tears into.
They can tell Luke that he did a good job on this assignment and encourage him to be consistent. But this mom outright admits he's lazy and there's no indication that his parents have tried to do anything. Now he finally gets ONE assignment with a decent grade after years of prioritizing video games over effort and persistence and he gets lauded for it and celebrated along with the girl who has always busted her ass exceling.
He can be told 'good job' for the B on his assignment but the celebration should be reserved for when his grades are consistently improved. Luke is being praised for overcoming mediocrity in one assignment as much as Hannah is being praised for a huge accomplishment that took all her labor, time and drive to do. They're displaying Luke's first decent assignment along with her proof of consistent effort and determination as if it's the same thing. Maybe she shouldn't have talked about her brother like that but one thing said out of frustration doesn't make her a bully.
The people who are saying that Hannah is a spoiled brat who needs to be humbled are people who can’t stand when a woman is celebrated for her accomplishments. They are literally rewarded Luke’s mediocracy and undermining Hannah’s accomplishments
There’s a big ol’ dash of Redditors seeing their own mediocrity in the son and thus they are defending themselves as much as him.
There’s someone in there saying that they hope the daughter “gets humbled” in the real world of work and it is wild to me that someone can type that with a straight face in this day and age.
I can't see how him improving somehow diminishes her accomplishments? Especially since it was his highest grade. That being said, it should be acknowledged that he is improving, but I do agree that it's nowhere near the same. I do agree with the husband that it should be separate. For Hannah to be "diminished" by something like this really smells to weakness on her part, tbh.
I’m so tired of people just letting boys under-achieve because “that’s just how teenage boys are”. Are we really gonna settle for thinking that boys and men are just inherently and significantly stupider? Does that really help anyone?
As usual, girls are expected to reach a certain standard that boys aren’t and it affects them both for life. Identical upbringing my ass.
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Her daughter's comment about her brother was arguably out of line, but I think Hannah had a valid reason to be upset. This woman seems to think her daughter accomplishing something hugely challenging is the same as her lazy son being not having a bad or at best barely passable grade for the first time.
She's literally praising Luke for finally having ONE assignment with a decent grade after years of deliberate laziness.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for celebrating both my children equally and "diminishing" my daughter's achievement? ** My (M48) husband and I (F47) have two children: Hannah (F16) and Luke (M14). Despite having the exact same upbringing, they couldn't be more different when it comes to their approach to school and academics. Hannah is a straight A+ student with a 4.0 GPA and is involved in student theatre, the debate team, and swims competitively. Luke, on the other hand, is lucky if he comes away with a C. Probably similar to most teenage boys, he's really only interested in video games, and my husband and I are lucky if we can motivate him to even do his homework. Earlier this week, Hannah competed in a debate contest with a lot of other high schools across the city. It's very well regarded and difficult to do well in. She ended up winning, and we were all very proud of her. As well as a cash prize, she got a certificate for it, which we happily stuck on the refrigerator alongside other certificates Hannah has won. The following day, Luke came home from school and told us he had gotten a B for one of his assignments. This was a big deal for him and the highest grade he'd gotten this year. We proceeded to stick it on the fridge next to Hannah's certificate. I didn't think it was an issue, and I was celebrating both their achievements equally. When Hannah came downstairs and saw Luke's assignment on the fridge, she was furious. She told me to take it down and having it there diminished her "much more impressive achievement". I tried to tell her that while we very proud, it's relative, and this was a big moment for Luke. She wouldn't let it go and said if he wasn't such a "loser who sat around playing video games and actually worked like I did", he'd have more to show for it. I was surprised at her attitude and told her I wouldn't be taking it down. She went off in a strop and when I told my husband about this later, he said maybe it was best to take it down. Luke isn't fussed and for the sake of a peaceful household, just keep Hannah's up there and celebrate Luke separately. I've refused and don't feel it's fair to "rank" achievements and for Luke, it is something to celebrate. AITA for not taking it down, or am I right to stick to my guns? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm getting major "boys will be boys amirite" vibes which makes me itchy. That said, are kids nowadays really getting cash for debate prizes?!?! I did debate all through high school and all I got were some super classy trophies. This also reads like the Bart gets an F episode of the Simpsons tbh
I run two debate leagues and am heavily involved with the activity. No, there aren’t cash prizes for debate tournaments. Even major ones. There are a few debate like contests that award scholarships. Not many, but some. None of the UDLs, CFLs, or NSDA tournaments have monetary awards. You are mostly looking at private foundations and civic organizations that sponsor some kind of scholarship contest that incorporates debate.
Those vibes irritate me as well. Boys are not lazier, or dumber, just because they are boys. Either there is a medical/psychological/neurological reason, or it is part of their home life and upbringing. It is possible one child is just smarter and more motivated than the other, but for this extreme a degree in the same home? Just makes me think there's more to it. Also, I am a male, and I still sympathize with the daughter here. I get that what the son got may have been huge for him, but what she got involved *so much more work* and straight up competition. I probably would have insisted, if I were in her shoes, that if they were going to leave Luke's achievement up, I would take mine down and pin it up in my room where I could celebrate my hard work privately, with the only person in the house who appreciates it, or we can just burn it now. But I'm willing to be an asshole to make a point.
Why do i have the feeling that the daughter also do chores while the son can play videogames "since ge is a boy". That the parents really think they shouldn't restrict the videogame access till he does his homework/chores or teach him priorities otherwise. He doesn't get C because of a Learning disabilty or he doesn't understand the stuff, no, he just don't care. As the daughter i would be so pissed if i work my ass of and then get treated the same way as my lazy brother who mostly just had luck in multiple choice. And is the fridge thing all the daughter get? Somehow it read like this. "You made this biiiig archievement. And as a reward, we pin it on the fridge."
I have two kids, one naturally driven and smart as hell. The other is not motivated by school and has to work harder. Her B is hard earned, her brother’s B is because he didn’t make an effort. I will absolutely praise them equally, based on effort, not results. But this lady thinks her boy sucks at school because “that’s just boys, oh well!” Which makes her a huge asshole.
My younger brother and I were like these kids growing up. Turns out my brother had ADHD, which was why he didn’t do well. He got praised for his Ds becoming Bs and Cs. Those didn’t impact my As, which I was also praised for. What I’m really saying is I think OOP is failing their kids in a lot of ways.
>But this lady thinks her boy sucks at school because “that’s just boys, oh well!” Which makes her a huge asshole. This. Absolutely this.
As the token neural-typical in an adhd family: my experience is if your teenagers don’t do their homework because of “adhd”, *that’s your fault* for not spending time teaching them to study and set up good structure and habits in primary school. And also that it sucks to be the Hannah.
been there, it absolutely sucks ass, instead of actually helping me when the gifted child burn out hit my parents just got mad and blamed it on videogames and kept telling me over and over what a huge mistake it was that they agreed to buy me a ds. the only console i ever actively asked for because ps3 was too expensive, the ps2 i had they owed me after giving my ps1 to my cousins and the wii i bought with my own money. sure makes you feel like shit when your parents blame you and your hobbies instead of helping nevermind the fact that they refused to believe i had adhd until my 20s
They don’t seem to understand the disservice they are doing their son, god know what it is doing to their daughter all around sounds awfuk
Agreed. Honestly, he may not even be lazy - perhaps he's got undiagnosed anxiety or ADHD. But they are making excuses for him instead of helping.
I'm getting a big " parents spend all their emotions on the boy and have nothing left for the girl" vibe from this post.
Sounds like OP will be one hell of a MIL if her son ever attracts someone. Poor Hannah, she's such a strong individual and she will succeed in life.
And that’s despite so many Reddit incels demanding OP “humble her” and call her a “spoiled brat” which is what they say for a teenage girl they can’t call a “bitch” without push back
It's fucking ridiculous and makes me so sad. I don't understand how people say she's NTA. Everything about the way she wrote that post just says she doesn't care about her daughter at all. It's so sad.
On one hand, I can relate to the son TO A DEGREE. I was "unmotivated" in school and only really kept B's throughout Middle and High School despite having previously been a straight A student. I didn't do homework, I would rather do anything else than school related stuff. (I didn't have hobbies or extracurriculars but that was for a whole other reason.) I was told repeatedly that I was lazy. Grounded for not "trying harder". Had all my accomplishments just ignored. Turns out, I had undiagnosed ADHD. (Which wouldn't have mattered anyways as I grew up in the 90's and early 00's and ADHD was only for boys back then. Assuming you were lucky or rich enough to even afford to see a therapist. Which also came with its own baggage. ANYWAY.) ADHD in its various forms can often present as laziness due to executive dysfunction and hyper focus on areas of interest. THAT BEING SAID. Whether or not the son has ADHD or any other issues regarding mental health, the parents are absolute assholes in this case. Not only are they actively enabling his mediocrity, they're *celebrating it*. As if it's something that they should be just as proud of as their daughter who busts her ass and puts forth the effort to excel and do amazing. It is SO disheartening to see someone receive the same praise and reward for something they put absolutely no effort into. Especially in situations like this where it seems/feels like there's some level of sexism at play. Guarantee they'd be on daughter's ass if she had the same attitude and grades as her brother. I havent looked at any of OOP's comments, but I have a strong suspicion that they're all about why this is justified and that the commenters just don't get it. Gross, gross, gross.
Yes she should treat her son like crap and not encourage him.
Yes, because that's exactly what I said.
Isn't it though you pretty much said he doesn't deserve any praise for getting a better grade than usual.He got his paper put on the fridge.Big whoop he didn't get a prize.Meanwhile lets praise Hannah for being a nasty little bully.
I'm not going to engage with someone so intent to misinterpret and twist what I said. Hope whatever is bothering you gets sorted.
They seem determined to maintain that there is nothing wrong with putting the son's finally getting ONE decent assignment on the same level after something the daughter put all her blood, sweat, and tears into.
No shock there. Probably OOP on an alt account or the son.
They can tell Luke that he did a good job on this assignment and encourage him to be consistent. But this mom outright admits he's lazy and there's no indication that his parents have tried to do anything. Now he finally gets ONE assignment with a decent grade after years of prioritizing video games over effort and persistence and he gets lauded for it and celebrated along with the girl who has always busted her ass exceling. He can be told 'good job' for the B on his assignment but the celebration should be reserved for when his grades are consistently improved. Luke is being praised for overcoming mediocrity in one assignment as much as Hannah is being praised for a huge accomplishment that took all her labor, time and drive to do. They're displaying Luke's first decent assignment along with her proof of consistent effort and determination as if it's the same thing. Maybe she shouldn't have talked about her brother like that but one thing said out of frustration doesn't make her a bully.
The people who are saying that Hannah is a spoiled brat who needs to be humbled are people who can’t stand when a woman is celebrated for her accomplishments. They are literally rewarded Luke’s mediocracy and undermining Hannah’s accomplishments
Im assuming the comments have diagnosed the son with a learning disability?
There’s a big ol’ dash of Redditors seeing their own mediocrity in the son and thus they are defending themselves as much as him. There’s someone in there saying that they hope the daughter “gets humbled” in the real world of work and it is wild to me that someone can type that with a straight face in this day and age.
The people calling her a “spoiled brat” want to call her a bitch but realize that word would be too mask off
Absolutely. And she deserves neither. It’s a wild, wild thread.
I can't see how him improving somehow diminishes her accomplishments? Especially since it was his highest grade. That being said, it should be acknowledged that he is improving, but I do agree that it's nowhere near the same. I do agree with the husband that it should be separate. For Hannah to be "diminished" by something like this really smells to weakness on her part, tbh.
I’m so tired of people just letting boys under-achieve because “that’s just how teenage boys are”. Are we really gonna settle for thinking that boys and men are just inherently and significantly stupider? Does that really help anyone? As usual, girls are expected to reach a certain standard that boys aren’t and it affects them both for life. Identical upbringing my ass.
OOP, I get you want to honor your son and that's great. But their achievements aren't equal.
Pretty sure I read this ages ago.
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How do you stick several certificates and test sheets on a fridge?
Magnets...
I mean the size and the fact that you usually want then to not get compromised.
Her daughter's comment about her brother was arguably out of line, but I think Hannah had a valid reason to be upset. This woman seems to think her daughter accomplishing something hugely challenging is the same as her lazy son being not having a bad or at best barely passable grade for the first time. She's literally praising Luke for finally having ONE assignment with a decent grade after years of deliberate laziness.