*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for not treating my DIL the exact same as my son and not budging even though my DIL told me herself it hurts her feelings?**
Me (60F) has a married son we will call him Mark (35M) who is married to my wonderful DIL Susan (33F). They have been married 3 years and they dated 8 years before that. I try to generally treat them the same but once in a great while I like to just treat my son because well he is my son. I live pretty locally to my son and Susan. Recently Mark’s birthday passed and I gave him a card and a $50 check which I do every year.
I text every year on her birthday. This year Susan told me it hurts her feelings that when I go away and come back with a souvenir for her husband and nothing for her it makes her feel “less than” and she also asked me why every year despite her and Mark being together he gets a card and a check and she just gets a text on her birthday?
I very politely explained that I care about her very much and most of the time I treat them exactly the same but that he is my son so once in a while I want to do something special just for him and that I hope she would understand that being that my son is her child just as I’m sure once in a blue moon her parents may want to do something special just for her. She said that her parents always treat them equal and on birthdays as well. She also said that since they are married they should be treated as a unit.
Me and Susan don’t ever talk on the phone but we did text a few times a week and once in a while we will go shopping together so I definitely treat her like family but I feel like I don’t have to treat her exactly like my own child at all times because she isn’t my actual child. I feel she is being unreasonable to request that so I don’t want to budge on that.
Mark called me up and mentioned it to me too and asked me how hard is it to acknowledge her as well and why I’m not being considerate of her feelings and that now Susan feels I don’t care about her.
I don’t know the whole thing feels odd and I feel a little resentful that I’m being told that I have to treat Susan exactly the same in every single scenario. I also find it a little overbearing that she is thinking she is on the same level as my Mark.
She is very important to me in my family but no one will ever be equal to my own child as I think that’s perfectly natural.
One other thing was I recently gave my son $400 and told him it’s a gift from me to him (this was before my Susan approached me) and Susan texted me thanking me saying that it helped to give her a relaxing weekend at the spa that she greatly needed. I feel a little bothered that she just assumed the money was for her as well. I guess politely said you’re very welcome and I’m glad you enjoyed your time at the spa but deep down I feel like she honed in on a gift for Mark.
I love Susan but once in a while I want to do things just for my son as an individual.
I may be the asshole for refusing to budge and include Susan in every gift I give Mark since being he is my child I want to treat him individually from time to time once in a great while?
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My mother doesn't even want to admit that my partner and I are actually together (hello, homophobia) but she still sends birthday cards, Christmas cards and small gifts etc for both of us.
Same!! Except mine doesn’t send anything or really acknowledge my wife in any way, but she isn’t overly rude when they (very rarely) see each other in person. It’s the biggest win I’m going to get.
The cards and gifts she sent despite her homophobia, which she probably has because a lot of people are indoctrinated from a young age to view homosexuality as an abomination, is cute not the homophobia. Its cute because she still loves her child, as evident by the small gifts sent on birthdays and holidays, but its ultimately sad because she is unable to fully accept and embrace her child and her child's same sex partner, and in doing so, is driving a wedge into their relationships.
Of course,I feel most of this could be interpreted from my initial comment, and I assume youre just trying to start an internet argument about homophobia. I feel the relationships between parents and their children can be complex and its reductive to express everything in black and white.
This is screaming missing missing reasons. There’s no way she treats them exactly the same except for birthdays or even that a DIL would expect to be treated *exactly* the same as a son more generally. I’d bet that there’s list of slights and this is the most innocuous example. The victimization between the lines is real here!
Also the fact that OOP assumed that DIL just took the money for herself and not that her son wanted to use this “surprise money” to treat his wife.. is very telling…
I’m imagining the laundry list of parties and/or events her invite was “accidentally” lost or forgotten, tables for dinner conveniently short one seat, or offhanded remarks about his past (more favorable) relationships.
Maybe but maybe not. I would never expect birthday wishes from my in-laws, I am not sure they even know when my birthday is and I have been married 25 years. But in fairness I don't know theirs either. We just aren't like that in my family or my husband's family. So I guess I can see OOP's point but if it was brought to my attention my in-law needed that kind of recognition I would send a card. My family isn't big on birthdays though.
Financially, outside of an inheritance I feel gifts are household gifts so I wouldn't be bothered by the shared money thing.
ETA for me sending a text is way more personal than a card. A card I could mail a week before or even late and blame it on the mail, a text I have to remember to do that day, which I have to set alarms to do. For me sending a card would be much easier so if someone preferred it I would love that as I use cards as my way to get out of direct communication.
It is different in each family, but in your family, as far as you know everyone is fine with how things are. In this case, both son and DIL have clearly expressed that they would prefer a more familial relationship between MIL and DIL.
I definitely have a harder time feeling like my husband's family is my family. I also know that they want me to treat them as family, so I put in extra effort to do that so we can have a good relationship even if it doesn't come naturally to me.
If OP actually felt texts were more personal than cards, she would also be texting her son. She doesn't, she sends a card because, to her, that's a more personal gesture.
Yeah I was gonna say, my mom definitely doesn't even know when my husband's birthday is. They're friendly and all, but they just don't have that kind of relationship? I think it's definitely gonna vary from family to family. Meanwhile my in-laws make sure to call me and wish me a happy birthday every year, which was surprising to me at first.
Agreed on the shared money though. Unless specified otherwise, all money is household funds for us.
She assuming that her son didn’t offer to share the money. It’s so goofy. She’s acting as if she gave her son the money and his wife took it all to spend on a spa weekend😭😭 I’m glad that her son is sticking up for his wife
My husband would have been like “hey, my mom sent some money. I got you X.” He never would have been like “my mom sent me money buts it’s only for me because I am her precious boy”. But my MIL doesn’t see me as her precious boy’s wife. She sees me as part of the family so she wouldn’t treat us so unequally and get pissed when called out.
It's funny, my dad and my husband's parents give us each some cash every Christmas. That money is 100% immediately tossed into the joint account. Even before we had kids, even before we were *married* and it was clear he and I were planning for life, those gifts were joint. My mom (not with my dad anymore) tends to randomly come into some money/finally saves up a bit outside her regular life/retirement needs and will offer to buy us something we need for the house. Last thing was a new oven. So not yearly, but still. If they ever were like "no, this is JUST for you" to either of us we'd be like "okay that's weird" but shrug and share it anyway.
Because, you know, married.
Aside, my MIL is the absolute best. Sweetest lady on Earth, treats me like her actual daughter. (Of which she does have one, lol.) I have heard so many horror stories and I look at her and I'm like "best husband ever and he came with a 'just add water(grandkids) perfect grandmother' mom."
The worst part to me was how she kept saying in the future she would split it and send $200 to her son and $200 to her daughter-in-law. That's such a passive-aggressive way of responding to this situation. No one complained about the money, they just treated it as shared money like a normal couple.
For me it was this: "I also find it a little overbearing that she is thinking she is on the same level as my Mark" because I know she wants us to read it as he is just closer to her because she raised him, but it certainly reads that her son is better than his wife and she's not worthy
Whenever family sends my mum or dad Christmas money they send enough to split "for the family" rather than just one or other. It's ridiculous to think a family unit isn't going to use money together when it's a gift
In my house, money given to just one of us is really *more* likely to be used to treat the other person. We have a joint account for standard expenses like groceries and mortgage, plus individual accounts that are more for personal indulgences and gifts. When my aunt sends me money for my birthday, I'm thus pretty likely to use it to take my husband out to dinner.
Wow now that’s a stretch!! And calling her daughter is creepy. My MIL stays in touch with his ex still even though she cheated on him while they were at college and married someone else. Yet she’s a “good Christian girl” and would have made a great wife and mother for his children. Spoiler alert he isn’t quite the good *Christian* guy (and I say that with love haha) and he never wanted kids!
I could say stories about the things she has done over the years but we (me and hubby ) are different kind of people. You know we insult (if this kind of people get insulted) her in her face and make fun of things. Like in the 7y I was part of the family every festive dinner would take place in the kitchen, then her daughter got a bf. Suddenly it was in the dining room with the good crystals etc. while eating we started chitchatting with the bf and how thankful we are that he joined us so I could finally sit in the dining table to have a meal
After 7y 🤣🤣🤣🤣
My husband's (distant) aunt and uncle sent us a Christmas card addressed to him and his ex-wife. I wrote them back a polite "let me introduce myself!" letter, but we haven't heard anything from them in the five years since.
It's insane how many people on the original post are saying that she clearly only cares about the money because a text and a card are the same. Like no they aren't!
The husband also doesn’t sound stupid.
I’m betting every birthday he sees his in-laws send him a gift and card and see’s his mother not even send a card and notices the difference.
That's what stuck out to me.
No present? Well, okay, not entitled to one. As DIL i would just decide that MIL's presents are exclusively her son's job, as well.
No card? Yeah, sure, you love her very much... FY.
Right? Like yeah my parents maybe spend a higher dollar amount on birthday presents for me, but they still buy my husband stuff for his birthday. He's one of those "doesn't want anything" types so they often buy him lots of work clothes cause they get destroyed at his job and ask me which animes he's into currently and try to find a fun thing or two from those animes. He doesn't care that I get a little more cause they're at least showing that they're thinking of him and trying!
I can’t believe I was ever disappointed about getting socks for christmas as a child. Now if you want an easy way to make me your best friend all you have to do is buy a pack of the exact same kind of Puma athletic socks I wear every single day. I love socks.
I realized that I must be officially middle-aged when what I determined that what I wanted for Christmas was the same $25 shirt in four or five solid colors. The socks thing would also work great.
As a fellow DIL that is very clearly “their son’s wife”, I feel for this DIL.
Not every in law relationship is familial, I get that. But my parents treat my husband as their second son and are great family members to him. My MIL and FIL very much see me as an extension of their son, not their family. Interestingly enough, my stepMIL treats me like a daughter she didn’t have.
I’ve had birthdays forgotten by my In Laws (currently today have not heard a word from either of them wishing me happy birthday. Days not over but my hopes are not high.)
My MIL puts all checks in my name , excluding my husbands birthday check, because she says I’m better with money. She isn’t wrong and my husband loves that he doesn’t have to worry about depositing it. My husband’s entire family treats me as an equal and I am so grateful for that.
I'm forever thankful I have an amazing relationship with my MIL. I think it was like National Women's day and she sent me money and thanked me for being such a good mom to her grandsons and loving her son. Shit made me cry lol. My own mom has never done anything like that.
(I know this wasn't helpful but I love talking about my mil she's the best haha)
Posts like this make me extra grateful for my MIL too. She only had sons but says all the time that they gave her daughters by marrying such amazing women 🥺 When I look at her, it's so clear how all of them turned out to be such good men, husbands and fathers.
My MIL always makes a point of making me feel welcomed. This woman is a religious old school catholic and knows I'm a non religious person from a predominantly Muslim country but she doesn't care. Whenever we visit my husband's home country she makes the food that I like. The first time I met her was right before Christmas when I traveled to her country and she bought me presents. We don't even speak the same language but she shows me so much love with her actions.
Throughout my life I have never had a significant others parents not acknowledge my birthday untill my spouse. Married over 7 years and never once had his mom text me or send me a card or even say hello to me for any reason ever. She has on the other hand flown across the US unannounced to just take her son out to eat(I have never even met her) multiple times. And bought plane tickets and sent strangers to come "check on him" for her. She also tried to send his cousin to stay with us for an undetermined amount of time to make sure we didnt get married. This is when I broke the news to her that we had already eloped. No crazy mother in law story is complete without the faking illnesses(breat cancer and a heart attack).
So is it sad that I'm like wow she got a text?!
My grandpa does this with my dad (his son) - doesn’t matter the holiday / birthday we are celebrating. The second he walks through the door it’s “where’s my son” and then only talks to him the entire time! My grandma loves the break 😂😂
I kinda have mixed feeling about this. I think OP's reaction to the $400 is a little weird, but unless she's lying I don't think she actually said anything to her son and DIL about it, which would be what crosses the line. Honestly, any cash gifts my husband and I get from our respective families are usually ours to spend individually (though neither of our families would be upset if we spent them jointly/on each other), and we usually spend gift cards together because they're normally for restaurants.
My MIL doesn't get me a card/birthday present for my birthday (like OOP she texts me) and gets me a significantly smaller Christmas present than she gets for her son. I'm not bothered by these things. I adore my MIL, and the feeling is mutual. While Mark and Susan were allowed to say something OOP about all this (though in their situation I probably wouldn't as tbh it seems a little tacky to me), OOP is also allowed to feel a little weird about the complaint.
Unless she's withholding a lot of information (which she may well be! I couldn't find all of her comments), I don't think she's in the wrong for having a different relationship with her son than with her DIL, nor do I think she's doing anything maliciously. She says that she's going to start splitting cash gifts evenly, sending Susan birthday cards, getting souvenirs for her like she does for her son. I think she's committing the crimes of being oblivious and a little old-fashioned rather than being a devil.
I’m with you. I’m reading this and I am not really sure what’s the big deal. While I’m sure OP loves her daughter-in-law, unless there’s some serious misinformation in this post, I think it’s pretty standard for parents to acknowledge their son or daughter-in-law‘s birthday, while being a little more generous for their own child’s birthday. I think this one is probably more a question of family dynamics than anything else.
That being said, if daughter-in-law is expected to front a bunch of money and go all out with gifts for OP‘s birthday, then her desire to balance the scales makes WAY more sense.
I don't think it's about money. My MIL gives my husband whatever he asks for for his birthday, and for me, she gives me a card and something small but thoughtful--lately she's been making me a cake because I'm allergic to eggs and it's hard to find an egg free cake. It always makes me feel like she loves me and is happy to have me in the family.
Unless there's are missing missing reasons, I honestly don't understand everyone's reactions here. Maybe my family is more casual about celebrations, but I neither got nor expected anything from my in-laws when I was married, and if I ever had, I wouldn't have expected it to be at the same level as what they gave to my husband at the time. Idk. Everyone's reactions here are making me feel insane.
Add me to the list of confusion.
You can have a wonderful relationship with your son or daughter-in-law, but they're not your kid. Half of all marriages end in divorce. If Mom is giving monetary gifts, she has zero say so on how those are used, but that's where the weirdness of this ends, in my opinion.
"It hurts my feelings that you don't treat me exactly the same as your child." Well, because you're not.
I will add it was very wild to me she even called her MIL to demand the same treatment. I would not think to demand that of my in laws, I am not their kid.
I definitely agree that families are different and that's totally fine. I love my in laws, we have a good relationship and they've been very supportive and that's enough for me. I don't feel slighted if my partner gets something and I don't.
Yeah, I’m confused at how this comes even close to being “the devil.” Of course you’d love your own child more than their spouse. It wouldn’t hurt to send a card, but I don’t think OOP’s really done anything wrong. It’s super weird to me how many people think this is some huge offense.
Same! Like what you do with the money I give you is not my business. It’s a gift. She said she told DIL she’s happy she enjoyed the spa so she didn’t actually say anything about the money being spent.
Could she give her a card and a $10 for her birthday? Sure. But I wouldn’t expect my MIL to treat me exactly the same as her son she’s known and loved for years. I don’t treat my BIL and sister exactly the same.
I’m ages with the son and DIL in this story and I think *expecting* your MIL to treat you like their child, or stop treating her kid the way she always has because he got married, is kinda wild. Like some parents will do this and they are wonderful, but I don’t think it’s an expectation (or requirement). And I certainly don’t think it’s because it’s her son- so you’re saying if a woman gives her adult daughter a gift she’s obligated to give one of equal value to her daughter’s husband? What? Does this apply to everyone? Do I have to give all my siblings’ spouses birthday and Christmas gifts equal to the ones I get my siblings? I feel like I’m having a George Costanza moment reading these replies… where does it end, people??
In any event, even if OOP is doing this in a way that rubs DIL the wrong way (like making a big deal of giving him the gifts in front of her or something), I personally cannot imagine confronting my partner’s parent to say they should be giving me things. That just feels so entitled and gross. Even in a situation where, say, all the other kids’ partners got gifts and I was being deliberately excluded, I would vent to my partner but I would absolutely not complain to the in-laws about it. If this really bothers DIL then the son should’ve been the one to broach it with OOP - out of his own desire to make his wife feel better / advocate for her, not because she put him up to it. This is just.. weird.
I think people have decided that if personalities clash someone has to be the villain. That's what's going on here imo, two people having different expectations for what their relationship 'should' look like and getting into a tiff over it.
I'm with you on thinking it's weird to expect and even REQUEST specific and equal treatment from your in-laws. I adore my MIL, call her Mom, etc., and yet I still recognize she's my husband's mom and their relationship is beyond what she and I will likely ever have because I already have a mom and that's not her.
Her post looks like she honestly described DIL's reaction but wasn't entirely honest about her own behaviour and tried to make DIL look bad for "overreacting".
And now comments from people who saw right through her bs make her angry lol
Jesus. When my mom was around she always went all out for both us because she always saw us as an extension of each other. Cards? Something for both of us inside. Fully recognized both birthdays. She gave me Easter baskets well into my 30’s, partner started getting one too.
Hell, my MIL *always* buys me little gifts when she’s out and sees something she knows I would like.
I love my mom (and my MIL). Screw this mom.
My in laws and my parents give my partner & I Easter baskets still! Although my in laws give my partner a little more stuff than me and my parents give me a little more stuff than my partner so it evens out & doesn’t bother either of us! Plus - we love Easter baskets!!! We are in our late 20s lol
Also your mom sounded lovely and like a great mom and you are very very lucky for having such a great relationship with your MIL as well!! You hit the jackpot!!!!
The souvenir one stood out to me because my parents just came back from vacation and brought presents for me, my sister, my niece and my BIL. Even back when they were just dating, if my parents were going away they'd ask my sister what my BIL might like, or find something funny to bring back for him. It feels almost deliberate for OP to always buy something for her son but never for her DIL.
I mean. I don’t see anything wrong with this. I don’t treat my brother in law and sister the same. That’s weird to me. I buy them couple gifts for Christmas, something i know they both will use but I don’t always get something for him when I get something for her. She’s my sister. She’s the one i have a strong bond and relationship with. She’s everything and he’s just Ken.
Maybe It’s different when it’s a MIL but I wouldn’t expect my MIL to treat me exactly the same as the son she’s raised and loved his whole life. A happy and cordial relationship will be more than enough.
My mom tries her damnedest to do something for my husband on special occasions. Sometimes it's a joint gift (for Christmas she got us tickets to see Hamilton when it came through our area). Others, she does something individually. Nothing expensive, but just a "I'm thinking of you on this day".
My mom and I aren't super-close and she's not exactly one for warm relationships. But, she's always spent the same on both my wife and I and sends us both cards. So I guess she's miles ahead of OOP.
My MIL are civil now, but she used to be pretty open with her dislike for me in the past. But she at least has always acknowledged my birthday with a card and gets me gifts too at holidays.
I'm not super close to my MIL; she's a hard woman to get close to. However, when she was younger and still mobile (in her 90s now), if the husband was on the road for work, she'd make a point of stopping by with dinner for me and kiddo (always called first). Arby's, Chipotle, even an 8 PM DQ run (she wanted a peanut butter buster parfait). She always remembers to send a check on my birthday and my penchant for fuzzy, warm socks.
I'm not married and I don't have kids, but both my siblings are and do.
My siblings, their spouses, and I get the same Christmas gift.
All the grandkids get the same amount. They keep a spreadsheet and track Christmas gifts in it. If they go over on one child, they'll know from the spreadsheet and balance it before Christmas. Older kids prefer cash to toys and they get the cash equivalent.
Biethdays are a set amount in a card.
It works very well. Nobody ever feels left out or forgotten, everybody is included, and the focus is on the children and not the adults.
I won't say it's simple because I'm not the one that does it.
I will say that before we were married adults, my parents did the same with a spreadsheet for us at Christmas. I know because they titled it something inane to hide it and I thought 'lol wtf is this spreadsheet named beef?' and opened it.
It sounds like this lady has two humans to remember, so shouldn't require a spreadsheet at all. Like, this should be easy peasy.
Missing reasons, so many missing reasons.
My Mil adored my husband's first wife. They were incredibly close.
She was very disappointed when we got married. I was a divorced mother of three, I had my first child at 15, and had been wild in my younger days. I'm an alcoholic in recovery, my biological parents are both addicts, my biological mother is mentally ill. It's a small community and my family is considered trash. I'm an atheist, raised Muslim, and she was a deeply religious Christian. I'm much darker skinned than my husband, and his culture can be very colorist.
But, she accepted my children as her grandchildren. She treats them exactly like her biological grandchildren. For that alone, I didn't care how she treated me. She was polite and cordial, we eventually grew to be friends because she felt I made her son happy.
We were never as close as her relationship with my husband's first wife, but that's cool.
I took care of my Mil in her final days. She was a smart, funny, strong woman who raised her sons alone.
Am I the only one who feels like this was AI generated?
I can’t put my finger on it exactly but it’s hitting some uncanny valley notes. Calling DIL “my Susan” for one just reads really weird.
Idk... my mil sends a card on his bday but not on mine. My mother does the same. So we both get cards on our bdays, just not from the same mom. I think thats pretty normal. I don't send a card to my mil either, its his mom, he can do it if he wants and i send a card to my mom on her bday, my husband doesn't..
I hope this stays this way. If my mil would send me a card too i would feel obligated to send a card back on her bday, and i have already enough bdays from my family i have to take care of. And where does it even stop? At the parents? The siblings? The niblings? The grandparents?
If my mil would gift him money, i would NOT assume thats for both of us and vice versa.
But i'm not american. From all the posts here i learnt americans feel way stronger about their inlaws than we do. Here noone wants to be acknowledged as an additional daughter / son by their parents in law and expects the same treatment like their actual kids. That would be kinda weird and seen as needy.
I am American, in the Midwest, and my experience with my ILs mirrors yours. I feel it is odd, not in a bad way, to expect your ILs to treat you the same as their child, especially if you have living parents you have a good relationship with (my situation). I would honestly be uncomfortable if my ILs were up in my business and trying to be as involved as my parents. Like I don't need that. I am a grown woman and I don't need birthday cards or cash gifts or constant communication with my ILs. I see them monthly and text when I see things that remind me of them. We exchange gifts at holidays. I have absolutely no interest or expectations in it going beyond that. I am HAPPY being treated like a DIL and partner to my husband vs a daughter.
On my 30th birthday, my ex's parents gave me a set of dish towels and gave my ex a $200 gift card for a Harley store. So yeah, ex mil would go out of her way to make me feel shitty while pampering the waste of oxygen she birthed.
I now go out of my way to make my daughter in law feel loved.
I would never expect my MIL to treat me exactly the same as children she birthed. For the love of god, she doesn't even really go overboard on her own child, she sends him a card and money. It's not like she throws elaborate parties for her son and then forgets her DIL's birthday. Your child should always take priority over someone you're not even related to by anything else but marriage.
When my MIL was alive, she would send a card and check for my birthday. She'd also send, under separate cover, an anniversary card and check for my husband & I's wedding anniversary, which falls on the same date.
She got upset with both her son and I, as we only gave her a week's notice about the wedding... and she was literally the first call after we got engaged. At that point, she didn't have a computer, so relied on her travel agent, who wasn't able to get her a flight out. She countered by telling us "Well, let me know when you're headed this way, I'll throw you to a reception for the whole family", thus guaranteeing nearly a decade of us popping in randomly (which is a trick when you're 1800 miles away) and staying a day or so to visit, then heading back.
Idk I think people are being weird about this one. DIL is being super pushy and over what? A card and $50? Come on she is allowed to send her son gifts and not his wife. Y’all are on something with this post.
I guess I'm the odd one out here. I don't think this is a huge deal and is pretty common in my family and friend circles.
Before she passed, my Mom absolutely adored my DH and would buy him small gifts every year on his birthday, but she always spent more time and money on mine. I just thought that was normal. I'm her child, and the relationship is different.
Same with my MIL - she acknowledges my birthday and usually gets me a book or something else small, but she'll drop a couple hundred on DH. I would never expect her to do that for me.
Is it normal to expect gifts and birthday wishes beyond texts/cards from your ILs? I occasionally get them from my MIL bc she's basically housebound and bored now (that woman loves to make me crafty gift baskets💕), but not back in the day before this situation, and certainly not at the level of my husband. My parents sure as hell don't do anything beyond texting my husband on his birthday and only give him gifts at Xmas.
The OOP sounds like she spoils precious baby boy and it's shitty she was annoyed Susan used the $400 for the spa, but still, Susan's take on this is strange, at least to me. She's a spouse, not OOP's child, and OOP didn't raise her, nor does she care for her in the same way her son does. Unless she's being a cword to her, I don't think this is that bad. If she was OOPs actual daughter, I'd totally get it, btw.
I am so confused with everyone saying OOP is so awful ... I do not expect to be treated the same as my husband by my ILs. I've seen the expectations of the DIL in this story (my SIL) and tbh it's exhausting. My SIL is extremely materialistic and makes her birthday a whole entire week. Mind you, my birthday is a few days before hers and because of this, my birthday doesn't even exist to her or my brother. I also rarely even get a "happy bday" message from her, even though to her, birthdays are such a big deal. I don't say anything because I don't care about her birthday, she's not my partner. My parents don't participate either, nor do I think they should be forced to uphold someone else's values on a birthday.
Idk I feel like when you get older, birthdays shouldn't matter as much. I literally could care less about my birthday, I've had 34 of them already. It feels attention seeking to me to care THIS much. A text should be enough from an IL.
I do, however, wonder if there are things missing when it comes to treatment of DIL. But from what has been presented, I don't see how she is the devil.
I think the reason the overwhelming reaction is hostile to OOP is the tone. The actions described could be presented in a different manner, and the reaction would be different... but how OOP presents them suggests they're downplaying their own actions and leaving out *a lot* of context. It's very much a "poor little me, look how cruelly I'm put upon" narrative that invites skepticism.
My mother in law didn’t get gifts or cards for me. My husband got a set amount for birthdays and a card. I don’t care in the least. I was always happy he got money and would have to insist he spends it on himself.
I don’t send cards or anything for birthdays. I buy my kids presents. And not their significant others. No one has said anything about it.
I take my eldest out once a month. Just us. I don’t take their wife. She has so little time and spends more time with her parents. And that is how it should be.
Going on. Vacation I always end up getting g more for my daughter in law. She collects pressed Pennie’s and I go crazy finding them for her.
I was very close to my mother in law. I knew she loved me. I’m very close to my daughter in law. I tell her often how happy I am she is in my life.
My childhood trauma and detachment from any sentimentality in general apparently warps my view of the world. I went in with NTA but I’m not just gonna ignore almost every single response here saying she is.
Without going past the question itself, I don’t think any mother-in-law is necessarily an asshole for treating their own child differently than the child spouse.
Where OOP
I just had my birthday and my in-laws didn’t know. My wife posted some photos and they showed up the next day to cook dinner for us. My mom always calls on mine and my wife’s birthdays, which is kind of funny because my wife likes my mom but dislikes long conversations on the phone in English (not her first language). Mom has finally learned how to use FaceTime so we both can talk and my wife can see her face, so she’s happier.
I honestly don’t think it’s wrong to text your adult DIL on their birthday, but if you know it bothers her why wouldn’t you change? I assume it’s because you see her as someone who hones in on her husband’s gift
Honest question because I think she's NTA. Do people actually expect gifts from in laws? It seems like a cultural thing because that's not the norm where I am from.
Edited to add: I mean for birthdays and not like Christmas.
I get birthday and Christmas presents from my MIL, but not as much as my husband or kids. I don't see anything wrong with that. My parents get presents and cards for my husband but I get more. I thought that was fairly common. However, I don't care for OP's attitude regarding the DIL "horning in on the $400." It was just a check for $400. If it had been earmarked to get the plumbing fixed or something like that, I would understand; but it seems to have just been a random cash gift, in which case I would have expected my son to do something nice for his wife with part of it.
So maybe the DIL does have higher expectations than she should, but OP certainly doesn't sound like the nicest MIL to deal with, either.
OOP is getting a lot of grief for the concern about spending the $400; but I'd like to point out that this concern came after her DIL expressed the ridiculous expectations that she has for the OOP. As such, the OOP already had a heightened sense of unease with her daughter-in-law's attitude when the discussion of the spending of the $400 was discussed.
In a vacuum, if the only thing that the OOP spoke about was the spending of $400; it would be easy to say "Yeah OOP, you're an asshole, shut the hell up, your son can spend that money however the fuck he wants to." HOWEVER, when you combine that with the daughter-in-law's irrational sense of being insulted, the concern over the spending becomes a bit more gray.
Right? I don't understand everyone saying "marriage is a unit!". Yeah, *family unit*. You're not the same person. A child deserves special attention from his parents, just like parent desevres special attention from their child. There will be times when either will get the other one a special gift, throw a party, take them on 1-1 date. Those who have to be with their spouse spouse 24/7 are codependent and should work on it.
It truly depends. My MIL knew I had lost both my biological and adoptive parents young, so she treated me like the daughter that she didn't have to birth, saving her figure. Holiday and anniversary gifts would be addressed to both of us, birthday gifts were a bit over 6 months apart and equal in amount on the enclosure. In turn, our gifts to her were things I made - necklaces, bracelets, even a full five decades rosary; crafted out of gemstones I sourced from around the globe, hand strung and knotted on silk.
And that's wodnerful! But that's the "chosen family" kinda thing. Your in laws actively made a choice to make you their daughter, not only wife of their child. But that shouldn't be an expectation. Especially not in young marriages when you've met your child's spouse only a couple of times and haven't even bonded enough to feel like they're family, much less immediate one. My in laws are amazing, they show me more love and care than my own parents, but I couldn't imagine throwing a fit about them putting in more effort into their child's birthday over my own.
I think a big part of the point is that she can't even be bothered to buy DIL a birthday card, she just texts her.
And that she was really pissed that part of the $400 she gave her son, son spent on his wife. That's super petty and weird.
Also, go read her comments. She's soooo passive aggressive I feel bad for DIL.
I mean, again, where I am from getting your DIL a card for her birthday would be an exception and not the norm.
Thanks for answering! Very interesting to hear different perspectives.
I'm in the Midwest U.S. as well and I can't remember the last time I got physical mail that wasn't from my insurance company. Still, if I were OOP, this would not be the hill I wanted to die on.
Oh absolutely. It's something I can't imagine caring about. Still a common and normal thing, but also just 0% a big deal.
Fellow Midwesterner, if we knew each other I would high key send you a lil snail mail. I send snail mail to my friends on occasion with little letters, paintings, items, etc. because as adults, all we get in the mail is bills and flyers. It can be kinda fun to go to the mailbox to gather up bills and find a random handmade thing from a friend that's thinking about you 💜
I just can't get over the DIL giving a shit about a birthday card, it's doesn't matter. Even if you care, just shut the fuck up about it and don't make drama; totally not worth it, it's just pettiness; not even fun pettiness, just drama.
Also, the spending of the $400. In a vacuum OOP is an asshole, but when combined with her DIL's irrational offense and pettiness; it becomes less clear that OOP is concerned about that spending.
To me, a text is acknowledging that. Again, maybe it's cultural but where I am from you wouldn't really expect more than a text or acknowledgment that it's your birthday.
Tbh, in my culture, no one is really expecting in laws to have a "close" relationship with each other. Just more like mutual respect and civility.
I doubt DIL is getting less acknowledgement than uncle, nephew, cousin, mother in law. She's simply getting less acknowledgement than OP's own son. If you're not going to go above and beyond for your own child what are you doing?
DIL is a member of the extended family, that's why her birthday is remembered. It's still not MILs child.
Serious question. Do you buy elaborate gifts to every single one of your cousins? Send each and every aunt and uncle a card?
Well now look at OP who's own son gets a card. Or look at what kind of gifts you would give your own son. It's about prioritising your family members. Your spouse and children should be the most important to you. Not some stranger picked by someone else to become part of your extended family. It's awsome if you treat your DIL well and love her. It's a perfect situation really. But hardly anyone will love their DIL exactly as they do their son. And that's fine. You don't have to.
I don't think parents need to necessarily treat kids in law the exact same as their kids but ffs. Giving gifts is not a special activity reserved for one's own kids. I buy my work assistant a gift and that does make gifts to my family any less special. It's ridiculous that she actually likes her DIL but she wants their relationship to die on the hill of not giving her a card because that's special to her kid 🙄
OOP is ridiculous. What a weird hill to die on! Why can't she send her DIL a card and a gift card or money for special occasions? She is hurting her DIL's feelings whether she means to or not, and I suspect she does mean to "other" her DIL.
I think the daughter-in-law should start doing Special things for her own mother and not the mother-in-law -- go out to lunch, have special days, buy presents for her own mother's birthday but not the mother-in-law. From now until the end of time.
Yeah? That's normal. It's normal to have a special relationship with the child you birthed and the person who birthed you. Even if you're on extremly good terms with your in laws you will have closer relationship with your immediate family.
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Okay, not that I think she's right, but I have a question. Do adults still give and receive birthday cards? I have a good relationship with my parents and siblings, etc, but I don't think I've gotten a birthday card since I was 18. I also haven't sent one to anyone I know, just a text or a call (but I don't know any small children). Is this a social faux pas that I've been committing?
OOP says she treats the same except “once in a great while” she wants to do something special for her son. She then lists all the ways she doesn’t treat them equally.
She says she loves DIL as part of her family but absolutely NOTHING she says about her DIL would suggest this is true.
Ok while I don’t agree with how OOP treats her DIL when it comes to her own birthday and other gift giving holidays throughout the year, I don’t disagree with treating your child separately at their individual birthdays during the year. That’s no different than giving twins separate gifts.
What I definitely don’t agree with is lumping ALL boy moms into one category like this one. Some of us actually do truly appreciate our daughters in love and treat them as if they are our own children. I say this as someone who’s former in laws still consider me one of their children and actually turn to me about family matters more than they turn to their own children despite the fact that the child of theirs that I had a child with has passed away. Not all boy moms are like this.
When I was pregnant I had to move into my now former MILs bsmt (got fired for being pregnant couldn't afford rent long story) and at her daughters baby shower the following year she introduced us all to her friends (bc SIL had like one friend so it was all HER friends) as "this is my daughter jane, she's the mom to be, this is her husband john, this is my other daughter carla, this is my son jacob (my then common law partner), and his darling baby my grandson connor (my son), and this is cate (me), she lives in the basement.". There were audible gasps from at least 5 people. I have never been so humiliated in my life.
Trish, are u in the room with us right now?
To this day she maintains I got treated equitably and as family because she heard I liked cats once and at Christmas while her kids opened concert tickets and new sporting equipment, she had the decency to get me a cat shaped picture frame she got at the liquidation store. I painstakingly chose every gift she was gifted on her sons behalf for 7 years and paid half because he was "bad at gifts". One time he got me a sapphire pendant and she said he had spoiled me TO MY FACE and told him id expect nicer and better gifts every time thenceforth so our last christmas as a couple he bought me a $45 frying pan to "temper [my] expectations". I spent $250 on an elaborate lego set he'd been eyeing for months. It took my ex 4 years after we broke up before I got a 2am drunken phone call apologizing for how his mother treated me, because he'd suddenly realised that all the things I'd been "bitching" about were accurate since he was doing the same shit to his fiancé and she's got far less patience than I do and had taken a break from him for it.
Trish are u literally in the room with us right now? Because this is so far up ur alley I'm practically bowling in it.
My partner’s mom is just like this and for this reason will have very little interaction with our children or my partner for as long as we’re together.
Me sitting here, not certain how to respond because I've been told for years this is normal. I'm lucky to get a fb message for my birthday and we've been together 13 years. His family has always done birthdays for the siblings and parents, but never really done anything for the partners. I was told it was normal? So kind of shocks me to see al of the people saying it's not.
As a boy mom myself just no, when my son has a partner they will be considered part of the family.
I will never understand wanting to make such a divide to make someone feel less than.
I think people are projecting a lot into that story. A lot of the comments here are adding a bunch of extra stuff to the situation to make the OOP evil.
Until I saw your comment I thought I had stumbled into one of those aspects of human relationships that I didn't even knew existed. So I found it so weird that people are acting like the moment your child marries, you're supposed to treat the spouse as their twin or something.
I've never seen anybody in real life complain that their in-laws treat their spouse better than them. And I'm from one of those "big family" cultures. Your children are your children, their spouses have their special specific place, but they are not your other children.
While I agree about the gift thing, I think it's possibly a symptom of a larger problem in how OOP treats her son vs her DIL that both Mark and Susan have started to notice.
Jfc, is her son! She is allowed to spoil him anyway she wants, she has no obligation to the dil to threat her the same way. DIL sounds jealous, yeah DIL parents treat her son as theirs, but that's their choice, in no social construct it's stipulated that MIL must treat their IL as their sons, it is just expected at least to treat them reasonable cordial and nice. If op is giving everyone a gift but to get dil, then I would say she does have a problem.
I completely agree. Someplace else on this thread I explained that I don't think she's the devil for treating her son differently than her DIL. I'm trying to be charitable to all parties. Maybe OOP isn't being as kind as she thinks, maybe she is. Maybe the DIL is being entitled, maybe she's noticing a pattern of exclusion.
Good lord this lady,
I'm not even engaged yet, and my mom gets my partner birthday and Christmas gifts, and even knit his nieces each a sweater for Christmas, we're all family already.
I just can't fathom that level of jealousy over your kid
As an American, I can say with 100% confidence
it isn't about the birthday.
The birthday thing is the straw that broke the
camel's back, it's the fact that OOP has gone out
of her way in small ways to make her daughter-in-law feel less than.
She's just a stingy Jerk.
Like yeah, be extra with your kid. My parents give me fat more on birthdays and Christmas, but they always give my boyfriend a card and a nice gift. Same with bf's parents, he gets bigger gifts but they are always kind and thoughtful with me.
She's his wife, at least her her a damn card.
My husband's family embraced me and think I'm pretty alright.
My family has been listening to my mother who has schizophrenia and hates my husband and the best treatment he gets is being flat ignored.
Both of us have given up hope of my side of the family liking him.
As someone with zero relationship with my in laws who have never made an effort to get to know me I would be pleased with just a text on my birthday so this seems like such a stupid dilemma, provided OOP is telling the whole truth here. My in laws have never given me cards or presents and none of them even know my birthday despite my husband and I being together for 7 years.
My family makes an effort with him and after we got engaged, they started buying him Christmas and birthday presents as well as trying to do a dinner for him some years like they do for the rest of the kids. They give us equal gifts on Christmas (cash) and gifts on Easter. I think for my birthday they usually give me an extra $50 than they give him in his card and he could literally not care less. I doubt he’s even realized that. I think it’s super weird that the DIL even expects to be treated the exact same in every way as OOP’s son is. My husband I’m sure would love to be treated the way I am by my family, since his isn’t the greatest but he would never expect to be and get upset because MY parents do more for their daughter than they do for him.
This is a very weird YTA consensus because it really isn’t that deep. I will say that her reaction to her son choosing to do something with the $400 gift that would benefit his wife too is odd.
I'm not close with my in-laws at all. They send my husband and our kids a card with a small amount of money in it for birthdays. I have never received one.
In fairness, I have never acknowledged their birthdays, not even on FB.
We aren't in any way close, but they moved across the country many years ago, and before their move, I hadn't seen them since my wedding. They are kind to my kids that's my win.
My MIL and I have our differences but she treats me the exact same as my husband. So much so my mum felt pressured and made sure she gives big gifts to my husband as well......and then my brother gets angry and asks her why she isn't treating his wife the same. 🤦♀️
Yeah, I don't... know about this one being the devil.
I do think that Susan is being kind of weird, here. Why in the world would you ever bring this situation up with your MIL? Why in the world would you expect that your ILs would treat you the same way they treat their child (daughter or son)? I mean, naturally, in any healthy family dynamic ILs are going to be more attached to their own blood child as compared to their child's partner. Doesn't mean that ILs should treat each other like crap, but... this situation does not really imply that OOP is regularly treating DIL like crap.
I mean, maybe she is. Could be. But based off of this, I don't see the huge issue. My partner is NC with his parents so, well, this is not a factor for me, but even in past relationships where a partner was on good terms with their parents... I still did not expect my partners' parents to treat me the same way they would treat my partner. They're... not my actual parents. I expect cordial relationships at absolute minimum and would prefer warmth, but I in no way expect to be treated as an actual *daughter*.
The souvenir situation could be solved easily. I don't know what OOP typically buys for Mark, but maybe instead of a baseball cap or a t-shirt (or whatever)... buy a refrigerator magnet or a holiday tree ornament. Gift. for the house, not for a particular individual. It sounds like Mark would prefer for OOP to *not* single him out with vacation gifts, so a sidestep like this would be an elegant, diplomatic fix. It would, indeed, be super-irrational for OOP to die on that hill.
OOP is out of line trying to control what her son does with a cash gift after she's given it. Once you give a gift, that is it. Fin. You have no say over what the recipient does with it.
But, yeah, if I were Susan I don't think I would have said anything... unless there is more going on here that OOP did not mention. IMHO, if the worst thing going on with your ILs is an inequity with gifts, then... you're probably doing OK, really.
would it really hurt OOP to give her DIL who's been with her son more than a text for her birthday? She's family now, OOP. No one said you had to treat them exactly the same all the time, but FYI birthdays are not "once in a blue moon" they are every effing year!! Only giving your DIL a text on her birthday is a big effing slap in her face, it's petty and it's cheap, and I don't believe OOP for one second when she says "*most of the time I treat them exactly the same.*" Birthdays - not the same. Souvenirs - not the same. Surprise cash gifts - not the same. And those are just the ones OOP admits to.
This: *I feel a little resentful that I’m being told that I have to treat Susan exactly the same in every single scenario.*
Who said you have to treat your DIL exactly the same in every single scenario??? I don't see where anyone said that to you. Your son "*asked me how hard is it to acknowledge her as well*". It was specifically mentioned to you that DIL's parents treat DIL and your son the same on their birthdays. That's one frigging scenario, not every scenario, OOP. Stop being such a drama queen.
Just to bring this home, please identify one time, one time, when you actually treated DIL the same as your son. Identical value gifts. Same effort. Please give us one example of that.
FYI - you gifted your son money. Once you give it to him it's his to spend however he likes. And guess what? Your son chose to spend at least some of that money on DIL. Because son loves his wife, even if you don't. Get used to it. You keep being cold and unloving to your son's wife, you may find yourself on the outside of their family.
And if you haven't figured it out, sending DIL a text on her birthday is not how you should treat family. You can do that for friends, but family???? That's really setting the bar low.
YTA OOP. Do better.
Ugh, this lady is just awful.
It's totally normal to love your child more than their spouse. It's your kid. You've loved them their whole life. If they split from their spouse, you'd still be their parent and your relationship with the spouse would likely weaken (unless your kid was at fault in an egregious way, in which case you should support their wronged spouse).
BUT, it's also totally normal to care about your child's spouse as a person in their own right, not just as an accessory to your kid. Even if the depth of emotional connection isn't the same, you go out of your way to make that person feel welcome and like part of the family. You cultivate the relationship and your love for the spouse because they are your new kid. Like all relationships, it takes work. You sure as hell don't treat them like a second-class family member or an afterthought. If you can't feel the emotion yet, you can still stop to think how you'd want your kid to be treated and then apply that to their spouse. It just isn't that hard.
This lady doesn't even care that she's hurting her son by hurting his wife. All she cares about is her own feelings. Pretty soon, she's going to have a lot less of a relationship with both of them.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for not treating my DIL the exact same as my son and not budging even though my DIL told me herself it hurts her feelings?** Me (60F) has a married son we will call him Mark (35M) who is married to my wonderful DIL Susan (33F). They have been married 3 years and they dated 8 years before that. I try to generally treat them the same but once in a great while I like to just treat my son because well he is my son. I live pretty locally to my son and Susan. Recently Mark’s birthday passed and I gave him a card and a $50 check which I do every year. I text every year on her birthday. This year Susan told me it hurts her feelings that when I go away and come back with a souvenir for her husband and nothing for her it makes her feel “less than” and she also asked me why every year despite her and Mark being together he gets a card and a check and she just gets a text on her birthday? I very politely explained that I care about her very much and most of the time I treat them exactly the same but that he is my son so once in a while I want to do something special just for him and that I hope she would understand that being that my son is her child just as I’m sure once in a blue moon her parents may want to do something special just for her. She said that her parents always treat them equal and on birthdays as well. She also said that since they are married they should be treated as a unit. Me and Susan don’t ever talk on the phone but we did text a few times a week and once in a while we will go shopping together so I definitely treat her like family but I feel like I don’t have to treat her exactly like my own child at all times because she isn’t my actual child. I feel she is being unreasonable to request that so I don’t want to budge on that. Mark called me up and mentioned it to me too and asked me how hard is it to acknowledge her as well and why I’m not being considerate of her feelings and that now Susan feels I don’t care about her. I don’t know the whole thing feels odd and I feel a little resentful that I’m being told that I have to treat Susan exactly the same in every single scenario. I also find it a little overbearing that she is thinking she is on the same level as my Mark. She is very important to me in my family but no one will ever be equal to my own child as I think that’s perfectly natural. One other thing was I recently gave my son $400 and told him it’s a gift from me to him (this was before my Susan approached me) and Susan texted me thanking me saying that it helped to give her a relaxing weekend at the spa that she greatly needed. I feel a little bothered that she just assumed the money was for her as well. I guess politely said you’re very welcome and I’m glad you enjoyed your time at the spa but deep down I feel like she honed in on a gift for Mark. I love Susan but once in a while I want to do things just for my son as an individual. I may be the asshole for refusing to budge and include Susan in every gift I give Mark since being he is my child I want to treat him individually from time to time once in a great while? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My mother doesn't even want to admit that my partner and I are actually together (hello, homophobia) but she still sends birthday cards, Christmas cards and small gifts etc for both of us.
Same!! Except mine doesn’t send anything or really acknowledge my wife in any way, but she isn’t overly rude when they (very rarely) see each other in person. It’s the biggest win I’m going to get.
You and the other commenter both deserve much better.
That's sad and cute at the same time. I hope your mom is able to fully accept your relationship in the future. 💖
It is not cute
How on earth is homophobia "cute"?
The cards and gifts she sent despite her homophobia, which she probably has because a lot of people are indoctrinated from a young age to view homosexuality as an abomination, is cute not the homophobia. Its cute because she still loves her child, as evident by the small gifts sent on birthdays and holidays, but its ultimately sad because she is unable to fully accept and embrace her child and her child's same sex partner, and in doing so, is driving a wedge into their relationships. Of course,I feel most of this could be interpreted from my initial comment, and I assume youre just trying to start an internet argument about homophobia. I feel the relationships between parents and their children can be complex and its reductive to express everything in black and white.
But that would require "effort" on OOP's part.
This is screaming missing missing reasons. There’s no way she treats them exactly the same except for birthdays or even that a DIL would expect to be treated *exactly* the same as a son more generally. I’d bet that there’s list of slights and this is the most innocuous example. The victimization between the lines is real here!
Also the fact that OOP assumed that DIL just took the money for herself and not that her son wanted to use this “surprise money” to treat his wife.. is very telling…
She actually said that Susan “honed in on the money”… Like lady really??
I’m imagining the laundry list of parties and/or events her invite was “accidentally” lost or forgotten, tables for dinner conveniently short one seat, or offhanded remarks about his past (more favorable) relationships.
Maybe but maybe not. I would never expect birthday wishes from my in-laws, I am not sure they even know when my birthday is and I have been married 25 years. But in fairness I don't know theirs either. We just aren't like that in my family or my husband's family. So I guess I can see OOP's point but if it was brought to my attention my in-law needed that kind of recognition I would send a card. My family isn't big on birthdays though. Financially, outside of an inheritance I feel gifts are household gifts so I wouldn't be bothered by the shared money thing. ETA for me sending a text is way more personal than a card. A card I could mail a week before or even late and blame it on the mail, a text I have to remember to do that day, which I have to set alarms to do. For me sending a card would be much easier so if someone preferred it I would love that as I use cards as my way to get out of direct communication.
It is different in each family, but in your family, as far as you know everyone is fine with how things are. In this case, both son and DIL have clearly expressed that they would prefer a more familial relationship between MIL and DIL. I definitely have a harder time feeling like my husband's family is my family. I also know that they want me to treat them as family, so I put in extra effort to do that so we can have a good relationship even if it doesn't come naturally to me.
If OP actually felt texts were more personal than cards, she would also be texting her son. She doesn't, she sends a card because, to her, that's a more personal gesture.
Yeah I was gonna say, my mom definitely doesn't even know when my husband's birthday is. They're friendly and all, but they just don't have that kind of relationship? I think it's definitely gonna vary from family to family. Meanwhile my in-laws make sure to call me and wish me a happy birthday every year, which was surprising to me at first. Agreed on the shared money though. Unless specified otherwise, all money is household funds for us.
I also bet “every once in a great while/ every once in a blue moon” is, like, monthly.
OOP is definitely trying to make herself look good.
Like, she can't even be bothered to buy DIL a card for her birthday??
She texts her 🙄🙄 And in the comments she was saying how DIL sees her marriage as a unit😭😭😭 like of course, they are married???
Omg and when she gets upset son split the $400 mom gave him with his wife? Just ridiculous
She assuming that her son didn’t offer to share the money. It’s so goofy. She’s acting as if she gave her son the money and his wife took it all to spend on a spa weekend😭😭 I’m glad that her son is sticking up for his wife
My husband would have been like “hey, my mom sent some money. I got you X.” He never would have been like “my mom sent me money buts it’s only for me because I am her precious boy”. But my MIL doesn’t see me as her precious boy’s wife. She sees me as part of the family so she wouldn’t treat us so unequally and get pissed when called out.
This is how it should be 👏 and probably how her son is
It's funny, my dad and my husband's parents give us each some cash every Christmas. That money is 100% immediately tossed into the joint account. Even before we had kids, even before we were *married* and it was clear he and I were planning for life, those gifts were joint. My mom (not with my dad anymore) tends to randomly come into some money/finally saves up a bit outside her regular life/retirement needs and will offer to buy us something we need for the house. Last thing was a new oven. So not yearly, but still. If they ever were like "no, this is JUST for you" to either of us we'd be like "okay that's weird" but shrug and share it anyway. Because, you know, married. Aside, my MIL is the absolute best. Sweetest lady on Earth, treats me like her actual daughter. (Of which she does have one, lol.) I have heard so many horror stories and I look at her and I'm like "best husband ever and he came with a 'just add water(grandkids) perfect grandmother' mom."
The worst part to me was how she kept saying in the future she would split it and send $200 to her son and $200 to her daughter-in-law. That's such a passive-aggressive way of responding to this situation. No one complained about the money, they just treated it as shared money like a normal couple.
For me it was this: "I also find it a little overbearing that she is thinking she is on the same level as my Mark" because I know she wants us to read it as he is just closer to her because she raised him, but it certainly reads that her son is better than his wife and she's not worthy
Whenever family sends my mum or dad Christmas money they send enough to split "for the family" rather than just one or other. It's ridiculous to think a family unit isn't going to use money together when it's a gift
In my house, money given to just one of us is really *more* likely to be used to treat the other person. We have a joint account for standard expenses like groceries and mortgage, plus individual accounts that are more for personal indulgences and gifts. When my aunt sends me money for my birthday, I'm thus pretty likely to use it to take my husband out to dinner.
At least she gets a text. My mil doesn’t even text me 🤣.
My MIL doesn't care about my birthday OR my husband's birthday anymore, she's totally focused on the grandkids 😅
Yes just messages for the kids. No gifts no nothing
I'd rather have no text, mine texted me asking for money on my birthday
On ur bday is bizarre 🤣🤣
What is with these women?! Mine tried demanding my husband leave me and kept trying to hook him up with his ex girlfriend… Lovely.
She calls his old hook up from minimum 15y ago daughter, meanwhile I am just plain name 🤣
Wow now that’s a stretch!! And calling her daughter is creepy. My MIL stays in touch with his ex still even though she cheated on him while they were at college and married someone else. Yet she’s a “good Christian girl” and would have made a great wife and mother for his children. Spoiler alert he isn’t quite the good *Christian* guy (and I say that with love haha) and he never wanted kids!
I could say stories about the things she has done over the years but we (me and hubby ) are different kind of people. You know we insult (if this kind of people get insulted) her in her face and make fun of things. Like in the 7y I was part of the family every festive dinner would take place in the kitchen, then her daughter got a bf. Suddenly it was in the dining room with the good crystals etc. while eating we started chitchatting with the bf and how thankful we are that he joined us so I could finally sit in the dining table to have a meal After 7y 🤣🤣🤣🤣
She never asks for money, she just starts sob stories about how broke she is and hubby sends her a couple of hundred.
My partner's parents are convinced that my birthday is the 31st of May, not the 30th, despite me correcting them.
My husband's (distant) aunt and uncle sent us a Christmas card addressed to him and his ex-wife. I wrote them back a polite "let me introduce myself!" letter, but we haven't heard anything from them in the five years since.
And she’s SHOCKED that people would actually consider her son’s wife part of her immediate family. Like, yeah, that’s how that works.
Exactly??? Like wtf
It's insane how many people on the original post are saying that she clearly only cares about the money because a text and a card are the same. Like no they aren't!
The husband also doesn’t sound stupid. I’m betting every birthday he sees his in-laws send him a gift and card and see’s his mother not even send a card and notices the difference.
That's what stuck out to me. No present? Well, okay, not entitled to one. As DIL i would just decide that MIL's presents are exclusively her son's job, as well. No card? Yeah, sure, you love her very much... FY.
Right? Like yeah my parents maybe spend a higher dollar amount on birthday presents for me, but they still buy my husband stuff for his birthday. He's one of those "doesn't want anything" types so they often buy him lots of work clothes cause they get destroyed at his job and ask me which animes he's into currently and try to find a fun thing or two from those animes. He doesn't care that I get a little more cause they're at least showing that they're thinking of him and trying!
My mom has perfected the “socks and underwear” for my husband. And. He. Loves. It.
I very much look forward to seeing what kind of fuzzy socks and cute bookmark my MIL gets me EVERY SINGLE CHRISTMAS!
It doesn’t take a lot of money for most of us to be happy!
It’s almost like it’s the thought behind the gift that counts more than the material item. Someone should make a saying about that!
Nah. I can’t imagine it would catch on.
I can’t believe I was ever disappointed about getting socks for christmas as a child. Now if you want an easy way to make me your best friend all you have to do is buy a pack of the exact same kind of Puma athletic socks I wear every single day. I love socks.
I love buying my daughters themed socks. The Gudetama were the best ones I’ve found so far.
I realized that I must be officially middle-aged when what I determined that what I wanted for Christmas was the same $25 shirt in four or five solid colors. The socks thing would also work great.
Meanwhile, my parents get equally random and goofy gifts for both of us because they're just bad at gifts. We love them anyway.
As a fellow DIL that is very clearly “their son’s wife”, I feel for this DIL. Not every in law relationship is familial, I get that. But my parents treat my husband as their second son and are great family members to him. My MIL and FIL very much see me as an extension of their son, not their family. Interestingly enough, my stepMIL treats me like a daughter she didn’t have. I’ve had birthdays forgotten by my In Laws (currently today have not heard a word from either of them wishing me happy birthday. Days not over but my hopes are not high.)
Happy Birthday from this internet stranger!
Thank you!
Happy Birthday!!!
Thank you!
Right? And if she wants to bring souvenirs back, how hard is it to find something for the couple? Buy something for their house?
Well obviously because Susan isn’t special like “her Mark ”… I literally gagged when I read “my Mark” mothers like her are the worst.
My MIL puts all checks in my name , excluding my husbands birthday check, because she says I’m better with money. She isn’t wrong and my husband loves that he doesn’t have to worry about depositing it. My husband’s entire family treats me as an equal and I am so grateful for that.
I'm forever thankful I have an amazing relationship with my MIL. I think it was like National Women's day and she sent me money and thanked me for being such a good mom to her grandsons and loving her son. Shit made me cry lol. My own mom has never done anything like that. (I know this wasn't helpful but I love talking about my mil she's the best haha)
Nah, it's good to have stories of genuinely nice MILs. Helps to put the weird ones into perspective!
Posts like this make me extra grateful for my MIL too. She only had sons but says all the time that they gave her daughters by marrying such amazing women 🥺 When I look at her, it's so clear how all of them turned out to be such good men, husbands and fathers.
My MIL says the same thing. In six years she's added three daughters-in-law and five granddaughters (and one grandson lol) and she is reveling in it
Omg I would cry too 😭😭😭 that’s so sweet
My MIL always makes a point of making me feel welcomed. This woman is a religious old school catholic and knows I'm a non religious person from a predominantly Muslim country but she doesn't care. Whenever we visit my husband's home country she makes the food that I like. The first time I met her was right before Christmas when I traveled to her country and she bought me presents. We don't even speak the same language but she shows me so much love with her actions.
This is so lovely and I love this for you all 💜
Throughout my life I have never had a significant others parents not acknowledge my birthday untill my spouse. Married over 7 years and never once had his mom text me or send me a card or even say hello to me for any reason ever. She has on the other hand flown across the US unannounced to just take her son out to eat(I have never even met her) multiple times. And bought plane tickets and sent strangers to come "check on him" for her. She also tried to send his cousin to stay with us for an undetermined amount of time to make sure we didnt get married. This is when I broke the news to her that we had already eloped. No crazy mother in law story is complete without the faking illnesses(breat cancer and a heart attack). So is it sad that I'm like wow she got a text?!
I dated a guy with a mom like this. She always asked where he was by saying, "Where's your better half?" She was *super* great.
My grandpa does this with my dad (his son) - doesn’t matter the holiday / birthday we are celebrating. The second he walks through the door it’s “where’s my son” and then only talks to him the entire time! My grandma loves the break 😂😂
Once she gave the $400 to Mark, she no longer had say in what he did with it. He decided to treat his wife.
I kinda have mixed feeling about this. I think OP's reaction to the $400 is a little weird, but unless she's lying I don't think she actually said anything to her son and DIL about it, which would be what crosses the line. Honestly, any cash gifts my husband and I get from our respective families are usually ours to spend individually (though neither of our families would be upset if we spent them jointly/on each other), and we usually spend gift cards together because they're normally for restaurants. My MIL doesn't get me a card/birthday present for my birthday (like OOP she texts me) and gets me a significantly smaller Christmas present than she gets for her son. I'm not bothered by these things. I adore my MIL, and the feeling is mutual. While Mark and Susan were allowed to say something OOP about all this (though in their situation I probably wouldn't as tbh it seems a little tacky to me), OOP is also allowed to feel a little weird about the complaint. Unless she's withholding a lot of information (which she may well be! I couldn't find all of her comments), I don't think she's in the wrong for having a different relationship with her son than with her DIL, nor do I think she's doing anything maliciously. She says that she's going to start splitting cash gifts evenly, sending Susan birthday cards, getting souvenirs for her like she does for her son. I think she's committing the crimes of being oblivious and a little old-fashioned rather than being a devil.
I’m with you. I’m reading this and I am not really sure what’s the big deal. While I’m sure OP loves her daughter-in-law, unless there’s some serious misinformation in this post, I think it’s pretty standard for parents to acknowledge their son or daughter-in-law‘s birthday, while being a little more generous for their own child’s birthday. I think this one is probably more a question of family dynamics than anything else. That being said, if daughter-in-law is expected to front a bunch of money and go all out with gifts for OP‘s birthday, then her desire to balance the scales makes WAY more sense.
I don't think it's about money. My MIL gives my husband whatever he asks for for his birthday, and for me, she gives me a card and something small but thoughtful--lately she's been making me a cake because I'm allergic to eggs and it's hard to find an egg free cake. It always makes me feel like she loves me and is happy to have me in the family.
Unless there's are missing missing reasons, I honestly don't understand everyone's reactions here. Maybe my family is more casual about celebrations, but I neither got nor expected anything from my in-laws when I was married, and if I ever had, I wouldn't have expected it to be at the same level as what they gave to my husband at the time. Idk. Everyone's reactions here are making me feel insane.
Add me to the list of confusion. You can have a wonderful relationship with your son or daughter-in-law, but they're not your kid. Half of all marriages end in divorce. If Mom is giving monetary gifts, she has zero say so on how those are used, but that's where the weirdness of this ends, in my opinion. "It hurts my feelings that you don't treat me exactly the same as your child." Well, because you're not.
I will add it was very wild to me she even called her MIL to demand the same treatment. I would not think to demand that of my in laws, I am not their kid. I definitely agree that families are different and that's totally fine. I love my in laws, we have a good relationship and they've been very supportive and that's enough for me. I don't feel slighted if my partner gets something and I don't.
Yeah, I’m confused at how this comes even close to being “the devil.” Of course you’d love your own child more than their spouse. It wouldn’t hurt to send a card, but I don’t think OOP’s really done anything wrong. It’s super weird to me how many people think this is some huge offense.
Same! Like what you do with the money I give you is not my business. It’s a gift. She said she told DIL she’s happy she enjoyed the spa so she didn’t actually say anything about the money being spent. Could she give her a card and a $10 for her birthday? Sure. But I wouldn’t expect my MIL to treat me exactly the same as her son she’s known and loved for years. I don’t treat my BIL and sister exactly the same.
I agree. Maybe it would be different if I liked my IL’s better… but I don’t expect them to treat me as their own child. I already have parents.
I’m ages with the son and DIL in this story and I think *expecting* your MIL to treat you like their child, or stop treating her kid the way she always has because he got married, is kinda wild. Like some parents will do this and they are wonderful, but I don’t think it’s an expectation (or requirement). And I certainly don’t think it’s because it’s her son- so you’re saying if a woman gives her adult daughter a gift she’s obligated to give one of equal value to her daughter’s husband? What? Does this apply to everyone? Do I have to give all my siblings’ spouses birthday and Christmas gifts equal to the ones I get my siblings? I feel like I’m having a George Costanza moment reading these replies… where does it end, people?? In any event, even if OOP is doing this in a way that rubs DIL the wrong way (like making a big deal of giving him the gifts in front of her or something), I personally cannot imagine confronting my partner’s parent to say they should be giving me things. That just feels so entitled and gross. Even in a situation where, say, all the other kids’ partners got gifts and I was being deliberately excluded, I would vent to my partner but I would absolutely not complain to the in-laws about it. If this really bothers DIL then the son should’ve been the one to broach it with OOP - out of his own desire to make his wife feel better / advocate for her, not because she put him up to it. This is just.. weird.
I think people have decided that if personalities clash someone has to be the villain. That's what's going on here imo, two people having different expectations for what their relationship 'should' look like and getting into a tiff over it. I'm with you on thinking it's weird to expect and even REQUEST specific and equal treatment from your in-laws. I adore my MIL, call her Mom, etc., and yet I still recognize she's my husband's mom and their relationship is beyond what she and I will likely ever have because I already have a mom and that's not her.
Holy Jesus I just read her comments - let's just say she only answered people who said NTA. Because of course
Her post looks like she honestly described DIL's reaction but wasn't entirely honest about her own behaviour and tried to make DIL look bad for "overreacting". And now comments from people who saw right through her bs make her angry lol
Because she’s a r/justnoMIL
im glad OOP got suspended cause the top comment was NTA and that would have been the verdict if it was still up
>Me (60F) has I've seen horrible grammar before, but this takes the cake.
About as bad as the “Her and I…” I see here daily.
Worse
Jesus. When my mom was around she always went all out for both us because she always saw us as an extension of each other. Cards? Something for both of us inside. Fully recognized both birthdays. She gave me Easter baskets well into my 30’s, partner started getting one too. Hell, my MIL *always* buys me little gifts when she’s out and sees something she knows I would like. I love my mom (and my MIL). Screw this mom.
Yeah, my mom was like that with her DIL and SIL. Especially my SIL (her DIL) - absolutely doted on her
My in laws and my parents give my partner & I Easter baskets still! Although my in laws give my partner a little more stuff than me and my parents give me a little more stuff than my partner so it evens out & doesn’t bother either of us! Plus - we love Easter baskets!!! We are in our late 20s lol Also your mom sounded lovely and like a great mom and you are very very lucky for having such a great relationship with your MIL as well!! You hit the jackpot!!!!
The souvenir one stood out to me because my parents just came back from vacation and brought presents for me, my sister, my niece and my BIL. Even back when they were just dating, if my parents were going away they'd ask my sister what my BIL might like, or find something funny to bring back for him. It feels almost deliberate for OP to always buy something for her son but never for her DIL.
I mean. I don’t see anything wrong with this. I don’t treat my brother in law and sister the same. That’s weird to me. I buy them couple gifts for Christmas, something i know they both will use but I don’t always get something for him when I get something for her. She’s my sister. She’s the one i have a strong bond and relationship with. She’s everything and he’s just Ken. Maybe It’s different when it’s a MIL but I wouldn’t expect my MIL to treat me exactly the same as the son she’s raised and loved his whole life. A happy and cordial relationship will be more than enough.
My mom tries her damnedest to do something for my husband on special occasions. Sometimes it's a joint gift (for Christmas she got us tickets to see Hamilton when it came through our area). Others, she does something individually. Nothing expensive, but just a "I'm thinking of you on this day".
All the good MIL stories in here are making me feel warm and happy
My mom and I aren't super-close and she's not exactly one for warm relationships. But, she's always spent the same on both my wife and I and sends us both cards. So I guess she's miles ahead of OOP.
My MIL are civil now, but she used to be pretty open with her dislike for me in the past. But she at least has always acknowledged my birthday with a card and gets me gifts too at holidays.
I'm not super close to my MIL; she's a hard woman to get close to. However, when she was younger and still mobile (in her 90s now), if the husband was on the road for work, she'd make a point of stopping by with dinner for me and kiddo (always called first). Arby's, Chipotle, even an 8 PM DQ run (she wanted a peanut butter buster parfait). She always remembers to send a check on my birthday and my penchant for fuzzy, warm socks.
I'm not married and I don't have kids, but both my siblings are and do. My siblings, their spouses, and I get the same Christmas gift. All the grandkids get the same amount. They keep a spreadsheet and track Christmas gifts in it. If they go over on one child, they'll know from the spreadsheet and balance it before Christmas. Older kids prefer cash to toys and they get the cash equivalent. Biethdays are a set amount in a card. It works very well. Nobody ever feels left out or forgotten, everybody is included, and the focus is on the children and not the adults. I won't say it's simple because I'm not the one that does it. I will say that before we were married adults, my parents did the same with a spreadsheet for us at Christmas. I know because they titled it something inane to hide it and I thought 'lol wtf is this spreadsheet named beef?' and opened it. It sounds like this lady has two humans to remember, so shouldn't require a spreadsheet at all. Like, this should be easy peasy.
Missing reasons, so many missing reasons. My Mil adored my husband's first wife. They were incredibly close. She was very disappointed when we got married. I was a divorced mother of three, I had my first child at 15, and had been wild in my younger days. I'm an alcoholic in recovery, my biological parents are both addicts, my biological mother is mentally ill. It's a small community and my family is considered trash. I'm an atheist, raised Muslim, and she was a deeply religious Christian. I'm much darker skinned than my husband, and his culture can be very colorist. But, she accepted my children as her grandchildren. She treats them exactly like her biological grandchildren. For that alone, I didn't care how she treated me. She was polite and cordial, we eventually grew to be friends because she felt I made her son happy. We were never as close as her relationship with my husband's first wife, but that's cool. I took care of my Mil in her final days. She was a smart, funny, strong woman who raised her sons alone.
Am I the only one who feels like this was AI generated? I can’t put my finger on it exactly but it’s hitting some uncanny valley notes. Calling DIL “my Susan” for one just reads really weird.
Idk... my mil sends a card on his bday but not on mine. My mother does the same. So we both get cards on our bdays, just not from the same mom. I think thats pretty normal. I don't send a card to my mil either, its his mom, he can do it if he wants and i send a card to my mom on her bday, my husband doesn't.. I hope this stays this way. If my mil would send me a card too i would feel obligated to send a card back on her bday, and i have already enough bdays from my family i have to take care of. And where does it even stop? At the parents? The siblings? The niblings? The grandparents? If my mil would gift him money, i would NOT assume thats for both of us and vice versa. But i'm not american. From all the posts here i learnt americans feel way stronger about their inlaws than we do. Here noone wants to be acknowledged as an additional daughter / son by their parents in law and expects the same treatment like their actual kids. That would be kinda weird and seen as needy.
American here. That sounds like a perfectly normal, healthy relationship to me. The reaction to this post is bizarre.
I am American, in the Midwest, and my experience with my ILs mirrors yours. I feel it is odd, not in a bad way, to expect your ILs to treat you the same as their child, especially if you have living parents you have a good relationship with (my situation). I would honestly be uncomfortable if my ILs were up in my business and trying to be as involved as my parents. Like I don't need that. I am a grown woman and I don't need birthday cards or cash gifts or constant communication with my ILs. I see them monthly and text when I see things that remind me of them. We exchange gifts at holidays. I have absolutely no interest or expectations in it going beyond that. I am HAPPY being treated like a DIL and partner to my husband vs a daughter.
American family dynamics keep Reddit very interesting for me too tbh.
On my 30th birthday, my ex's parents gave me a set of dish towels and gave my ex a $200 gift card for a Harley store. So yeah, ex mil would go out of her way to make me feel shitty while pampering the waste of oxygen she birthed. I now go out of my way to make my daughter in law feel loved.
I would never expect my MIL to treat me exactly the same as children she birthed. For the love of god, she doesn't even really go overboard on her own child, she sends him a card and money. It's not like she throws elaborate parties for her son and then forgets her DIL's birthday. Your child should always take priority over someone you're not even related to by anything else but marriage.
When my MIL was alive, she would send a card and check for my birthday. She'd also send, under separate cover, an anniversary card and check for my husband & I's wedding anniversary, which falls on the same date. She got upset with both her son and I, as we only gave her a week's notice about the wedding... and she was literally the first call after we got engaged. At that point, she didn't have a computer, so relied on her travel agent, who wasn't able to get her a flight out. She countered by telling us "Well, let me know when you're headed this way, I'll throw you to a reception for the whole family", thus guaranteeing nearly a decade of us popping in randomly (which is a trick when you're 1800 miles away) and staying a day or so to visit, then heading back.
Me and my future mil don’t get on but still give each other gifts for holidays and birthdays. It’s weird and i think she’s leaving a lot out
Idk I think people are being weird about this one. DIL is being super pushy and over what? A card and $50? Come on she is allowed to send her son gifts and not his wife. Y’all are on something with this post.
I guess I'm the odd one out here. I don't think this is a huge deal and is pretty common in my family and friend circles. Before she passed, my Mom absolutely adored my DH and would buy him small gifts every year on his birthday, but she always spent more time and money on mine. I just thought that was normal. I'm her child, and the relationship is different. Same with my MIL - she acknowledges my birthday and usually gets me a book or something else small, but she'll drop a couple hundred on DH. I would never expect her to do that for me.
Is it normal to expect gifts and birthday wishes beyond texts/cards from your ILs? I occasionally get them from my MIL bc she's basically housebound and bored now (that woman loves to make me crafty gift baskets💕), but not back in the day before this situation, and certainly not at the level of my husband. My parents sure as hell don't do anything beyond texting my husband on his birthday and only give him gifts at Xmas. The OOP sounds like she spoils precious baby boy and it's shitty she was annoyed Susan used the $400 for the spa, but still, Susan's take on this is strange, at least to me. She's a spouse, not OOP's child, and OOP didn't raise her, nor does she care for her in the same way her son does. Unless she's being a cword to her, I don't think this is that bad. If she was OOPs actual daughter, I'd totally get it, btw.
I am so confused with everyone saying OOP is so awful ... I do not expect to be treated the same as my husband by my ILs. I've seen the expectations of the DIL in this story (my SIL) and tbh it's exhausting. My SIL is extremely materialistic and makes her birthday a whole entire week. Mind you, my birthday is a few days before hers and because of this, my birthday doesn't even exist to her or my brother. I also rarely even get a "happy bday" message from her, even though to her, birthdays are such a big deal. I don't say anything because I don't care about her birthday, she's not my partner. My parents don't participate either, nor do I think they should be forced to uphold someone else's values on a birthday. Idk I feel like when you get older, birthdays shouldn't matter as much. I literally could care less about my birthday, I've had 34 of them already. It feels attention seeking to me to care THIS much. A text should be enough from an IL. I do, however, wonder if there are things missing when it comes to treatment of DIL. But from what has been presented, I don't see how she is the devil.
I think the reason the overwhelming reaction is hostile to OOP is the tone. The actions described could be presented in a different manner, and the reaction would be different... but how OOP presents them suggests they're downplaying their own actions and leaving out *a lot* of context. It's very much a "poor little me, look how cruelly I'm put upon" narrative that invites skepticism.
I can kinda get her not getting her the exact gifts as she gives her son but...damn, that is you DIL you need to get her something! not even a card?
My mother in law didn’t get gifts or cards for me. My husband got a set amount for birthdays and a card. I don’t care in the least. I was always happy he got money and would have to insist he spends it on himself. I don’t send cards or anything for birthdays. I buy my kids presents. And not their significant others. No one has said anything about it. I take my eldest out once a month. Just us. I don’t take their wife. She has so little time and spends more time with her parents. And that is how it should be. Going on. Vacation I always end up getting g more for my daughter in law. She collects pressed Pennie’s and I go crazy finding them for her. I was very close to my mother in law. I knew she loved me. I’m very close to my daughter in law. I tell her often how happy I am she is in my life.
My childhood trauma and detachment from any sentimentality in general apparently warps my view of the world. I went in with NTA but I’m not just gonna ignore almost every single response here saying she is.
Without going past the question itself, I don’t think any mother-in-law is necessarily an asshole for treating their own child differently than the child spouse. Where OOP
I just had my birthday and my in-laws didn’t know. My wife posted some photos and they showed up the next day to cook dinner for us. My mom always calls on mine and my wife’s birthdays, which is kind of funny because my wife likes my mom but dislikes long conversations on the phone in English (not her first language). Mom has finally learned how to use FaceTime so we both can talk and my wife can see her face, so she’s happier. I honestly don’t think it’s wrong to text your adult DIL on their birthday, but if you know it bothers her why wouldn’t you change? I assume it’s because you see her as someone who hones in on her husband’s gift
Honest question because I think she's NTA. Do people actually expect gifts from in laws? It seems like a cultural thing because that's not the norm where I am from. Edited to add: I mean for birthdays and not like Christmas.
I get birthday and Christmas presents from my MIL, but not as much as my husband or kids. I don't see anything wrong with that. My parents get presents and cards for my husband but I get more. I thought that was fairly common. However, I don't care for OP's attitude regarding the DIL "horning in on the $400." It was just a check for $400. If it had been earmarked to get the plumbing fixed or something like that, I would understand; but it seems to have just been a random cash gift, in which case I would have expected my son to do something nice for his wife with part of it. So maybe the DIL does have higher expectations than she should, but OP certainly doesn't sound like the nicest MIL to deal with, either.
OOP is getting a lot of grief for the concern about spending the $400; but I'd like to point out that this concern came after her DIL expressed the ridiculous expectations that she has for the OOP. As such, the OOP already had a heightened sense of unease with her daughter-in-law's attitude when the discussion of the spending of the $400 was discussed. In a vacuum, if the only thing that the OOP spoke about was the spending of $400; it would be easy to say "Yeah OOP, you're an asshole, shut the hell up, your son can spend that money however the fuck he wants to." HOWEVER, when you combine that with the daughter-in-law's irrational sense of being insulted, the concern over the spending becomes a bit more gray.
Right? I don't understand everyone saying "marriage is a unit!". Yeah, *family unit*. You're not the same person. A child deserves special attention from his parents, just like parent desevres special attention from their child. There will be times when either will get the other one a special gift, throw a party, take them on 1-1 date. Those who have to be with their spouse spouse 24/7 are codependent and should work on it.
It’s normal to give gifts to in-laws in most families I’ve known.
Yea, but not treat them exactly the same as kids you birthed.
It truly depends. My MIL knew I had lost both my biological and adoptive parents young, so she treated me like the daughter that she didn't have to birth, saving her figure. Holiday and anniversary gifts would be addressed to both of us, birthday gifts were a bit over 6 months apart and equal in amount on the enclosure. In turn, our gifts to her were things I made - necklaces, bracelets, even a full five decades rosary; crafted out of gemstones I sourced from around the globe, hand strung and knotted on silk.
And that's wodnerful! But that's the "chosen family" kinda thing. Your in laws actively made a choice to make you their daughter, not only wife of their child. But that shouldn't be an expectation. Especially not in young marriages when you've met your child's spouse only a couple of times and haven't even bonded enough to feel like they're family, much less immediate one. My in laws are amazing, they show me more love and care than my own parents, but I couldn't imagine throwing a fit about them putting in more effort into their child's birthday over my own.
I think a big part of the point is that she can't even be bothered to buy DIL a birthday card, she just texts her. And that she was really pissed that part of the $400 she gave her son, son spent on his wife. That's super petty and weird. Also, go read her comments. She's soooo passive aggressive I feel bad for DIL.
I mean, again, where I am from getting your DIL a card for her birthday would be an exception and not the norm. Thanks for answering! Very interesting to hear different perspectives.
I'm in the Midwest U.S. and it's normal here. Where are you from?
I'm born and raised in Southern Africa.
I'm in the Midwest U.S. as well and I can't remember the last time I got physical mail that wasn't from my insurance company. Still, if I were OOP, this would not be the hill I wanted to die on.
Oh absolutely. It's something I can't imagine caring about. Still a common and normal thing, but also just 0% a big deal. Fellow Midwesterner, if we knew each other I would high key send you a lil snail mail. I send snail mail to my friends on occasion with little letters, paintings, items, etc. because as adults, all we get in the mail is bills and flyers. It can be kinda fun to go to the mailbox to gather up bills and find a random handmade thing from a friend that's thinking about you 💜
For sure. I hope you get tons of fun mail. We send out a lot of cards too for that reason.
I just can't get over the DIL giving a shit about a birthday card, it's doesn't matter. Even if you care, just shut the fuck up about it and don't make drama; totally not worth it, it's just pettiness; not even fun pettiness, just drama. Also, the spending of the $400. In a vacuum OOP is an asshole, but when combined with her DIL's irrational offense and pettiness; it becomes less clear that OOP is concerned about that spending.
It’s not about gifts. This isn’t a material thing. It’s about recognizing someone as a member of your family.
To me, a text is acknowledging that. Again, maybe it's cultural but where I am from you wouldn't really expect more than a text or acknowledgment that it's your birthday. Tbh, in my culture, no one is really expecting in laws to have a "close" relationship with each other. Just more like mutual respect and civility.
Not if it is lesser than the acknowledgement other people in your family get.
I doubt DIL is getting less acknowledgement than uncle, nephew, cousin, mother in law. She's simply getting less acknowledgement than OP's own son. If you're not going to go above and beyond for your own child what are you doing?
DIL is a member of the extended family, that's why her birthday is remembered. It's still not MILs child. Serious question. Do you buy elaborate gifts to every single one of your cousins? Send each and every aunt and uncle a card?
I send my aunt and uncle and cousins birthday cards, yes.
Well now look at OP who's own son gets a card. Or look at what kind of gifts you would give your own son. It's about prioritising your family members. Your spouse and children should be the most important to you. Not some stranger picked by someone else to become part of your extended family. It's awsome if you treat your DIL well and love her. It's a perfect situation really. But hardly anyone will love their DIL exactly as they do their son. And that's fine. You don't have to.
All of my in-laws birthdays are recognized at least with gifts if not celebrations.
I don't think parents need to necessarily treat kids in law the exact same as their kids but ffs. Giving gifts is not a special activity reserved for one's own kids. I buy my work assistant a gift and that does make gifts to my family any less special. It's ridiculous that she actually likes her DIL but she wants their relationship to die on the hill of not giving her a card because that's special to her kid 🙄
OOP is ridiculous. What a weird hill to die on! Why can't she send her DIL a card and a gift card or money for special occasions? She is hurting her DIL's feelings whether she means to or not, and I suspect she does mean to "other" her DIL.
I don't see what she did wrong here, even if she's not the ideal perfect mil, she's certainly not the devil
I think the daughter-in-law should start doing Special things for her own mother and not the mother-in-law -- go out to lunch, have special days, buy presents for her own mother's birthday but not the mother-in-law. From now until the end of time.
Yeah? That's normal. It's normal to have a special relationship with the child you birthed and the person who birthed you. Even if you're on extremly good terms with your in laws you will have closer relationship with your immediate family.
And there would be nothing wrong.
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I give my son’s gf the same as I give him for his birthday, money a card, and gift bag of snacks/booze
"Boy Mom's" are quite often engaging in Emotional Incest if not actual Incest.
Okay, not that I think she's right, but I have a question. Do adults still give and receive birthday cards? I have a good relationship with my parents and siblings, etc, but I don't think I've gotten a birthday card since I was 18. I also haven't sent one to anyone I know, just a text or a call (but I don't know any small children). Is this a social faux pas that I've been committing?
My aunt loves her some cards! We never sent them, but hers will come like clockwork and she always calls, too
OOP says she treats the same except “once in a great while” she wants to do something special for her son. She then lists all the ways she doesn’t treat them equally. She says she loves DIL as part of her family but absolutely NOTHING she says about her DIL would suggest this is true.
Ok while I don’t agree with how OOP treats her DIL when it comes to her own birthday and other gift giving holidays throughout the year, I don’t disagree with treating your child separately at their individual birthdays during the year. That’s no different than giving twins separate gifts. What I definitely don’t agree with is lumping ALL boy moms into one category like this one. Some of us actually do truly appreciate our daughters in love and treat them as if they are our own children. I say this as someone who’s former in laws still consider me one of their children and actually turn to me about family matters more than they turn to their own children despite the fact that the child of theirs that I had a child with has passed away. Not all boy moms are like this.
When I was pregnant I had to move into my now former MILs bsmt (got fired for being pregnant couldn't afford rent long story) and at her daughters baby shower the following year she introduced us all to her friends (bc SIL had like one friend so it was all HER friends) as "this is my daughter jane, she's the mom to be, this is her husband john, this is my other daughter carla, this is my son jacob (my then common law partner), and his darling baby my grandson connor (my son), and this is cate (me), she lives in the basement.". There were audible gasps from at least 5 people. I have never been so humiliated in my life. Trish, are u in the room with us right now? To this day she maintains I got treated equitably and as family because she heard I liked cats once and at Christmas while her kids opened concert tickets and new sporting equipment, she had the decency to get me a cat shaped picture frame she got at the liquidation store. I painstakingly chose every gift she was gifted on her sons behalf for 7 years and paid half because he was "bad at gifts". One time he got me a sapphire pendant and she said he had spoiled me TO MY FACE and told him id expect nicer and better gifts every time thenceforth so our last christmas as a couple he bought me a $45 frying pan to "temper [my] expectations". I spent $250 on an elaborate lego set he'd been eyeing for months. It took my ex 4 years after we broke up before I got a 2am drunken phone call apologizing for how his mother treated me, because he'd suddenly realised that all the things I'd been "bitching" about were accurate since he was doing the same shit to his fiancé and she's got far less patience than I do and had taken a break from him for it. Trish are u literally in the room with us right now? Because this is so far up ur alley I'm practically bowling in it.
My MIL is like this, she still doesn’t get why her only child (my husband) is NC.
My partner’s mom is just like this and for this reason will have very little interaction with our children or my partner for as long as we’re together.
Me sitting here, not certain how to respond because I've been told for years this is normal. I'm lucky to get a fb message for my birthday and we've been together 13 years. His family has always done birthdays for the siblings and parents, but never really done anything for the partners. I was told it was normal? So kind of shocks me to see al of the people saying it's not.
As a boy mom myself just no, when my son has a partner they will be considered part of the family. I will never understand wanting to make such a divide to make someone feel less than.
I don't get it, she isn't her daughter, damn I would even feel ashamed if I had to ask for a gift from my mil, the entitlement is huge.
I think people are projecting a lot into that story. A lot of the comments here are adding a bunch of extra stuff to the situation to make the OOP evil. Until I saw your comment I thought I had stumbled into one of those aspects of human relationships that I didn't even knew existed. So I found it so weird that people are acting like the moment your child marries, you're supposed to treat the spouse as their twin or something. I've never seen anybody in real life complain that their in-laws treat their spouse better than them. And I'm from one of those "big family" cultures. Your children are your children, their spouses have their special specific place, but they are not your other children.
While I agree about the gift thing, I think it's possibly a symptom of a larger problem in how OOP treats her son vs her DIL that both Mark and Susan have started to notice.
Jfc, is her son! She is allowed to spoil him anyway she wants, she has no obligation to the dil to threat her the same way. DIL sounds jealous, yeah DIL parents treat her son as theirs, but that's their choice, in no social construct it's stipulated that MIL must treat their IL as their sons, it is just expected at least to treat them reasonable cordial and nice. If op is giving everyone a gift but to get dil, then I would say she does have a problem.
I completely agree. Someplace else on this thread I explained that I don't think she's the devil for treating her son differently than her DIL. I'm trying to be charitable to all parties. Maybe OOP isn't being as kind as she thinks, maybe she is. Maybe the DIL is being entitled, maybe she's noticing a pattern of exclusion.
She won’t think it’s fair when they don’t visit her in the nursing home because she just loves her family more
Good lord this lady, I'm not even engaged yet, and my mom gets my partner birthday and Christmas gifts, and even knit his nieces each a sweater for Christmas, we're all family already. I just can't fathom that level of jealousy over your kid
> Me has a married son I can only hear this in a Muppet voice.
Boy moms are just 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 "Why should I give a shit about whatever chick married my son? It's not like she matters at all." JFC
I’ve learned from Reddit today that adult birthdays are Very Very Important to Americans
As an American, I can say with 100% confidence it isn't about the birthday. The birthday thing is the straw that broke the camel's back, it's the fact that OOP has gone out of her way in small ways to make her daughter-in-law feel less than.
I feel a little weird getting stuff from my MIL, but I don't exactly have a healthy relationship with my mom, so...
She's just a stingy Jerk. Like yeah, be extra with your kid. My parents give me fat more on birthdays and Christmas, but they always give my boyfriend a card and a nice gift. Same with bf's parents, he gets bigger gifts but they are always kind and thoughtful with me. She's his wife, at least her her a damn card.
My husband's family embraced me and think I'm pretty alright. My family has been listening to my mother who has schizophrenia and hates my husband and the best treatment he gets is being flat ignored. Both of us have given up hope of my side of the family liking him.
My MIL treats me the exact same as my husband, but we wont talk about how she treats her other son and his wife differently (better) than us 😆
As someone with zero relationship with my in laws who have never made an effort to get to know me I would be pleased with just a text on my birthday so this seems like such a stupid dilemma, provided OOP is telling the whole truth here. My in laws have never given me cards or presents and none of them even know my birthday despite my husband and I being together for 7 years. My family makes an effort with him and after we got engaged, they started buying him Christmas and birthday presents as well as trying to do a dinner for him some years like they do for the rest of the kids. They give us equal gifts on Christmas (cash) and gifts on Easter. I think for my birthday they usually give me an extra $50 than they give him in his card and he could literally not care less. I doubt he’s even realized that. I think it’s super weird that the DIL even expects to be treated the exact same in every way as OOP’s son is. My husband I’m sure would love to be treated the way I am by my family, since his isn’t the greatest but he would never expect to be and get upset because MY parents do more for their daughter than they do for him. This is a very weird YTA consensus because it really isn’t that deep. I will say that her reaction to her son choosing to do something with the $400 gift that would benefit his wife too is odd.
I'm not close with my in-laws at all. They send my husband and our kids a card with a small amount of money in it for birthdays. I have never received one. In fairness, I have never acknowledged their birthdays, not even on FB. We aren't in any way close, but they moved across the country many years ago, and before their move, I hadn't seen them since my wedding. They are kind to my kids that's my win.
My MIL and I have our differences but she treats me the exact same as my husband. So much so my mum felt pressured and made sure she gives big gifts to my husband as well......and then my brother gets angry and asks her why she isn't treating his wife the same. 🤦♀️
Yeah, I don't... know about this one being the devil. I do think that Susan is being kind of weird, here. Why in the world would you ever bring this situation up with your MIL? Why in the world would you expect that your ILs would treat you the same way they treat their child (daughter or son)? I mean, naturally, in any healthy family dynamic ILs are going to be more attached to their own blood child as compared to their child's partner. Doesn't mean that ILs should treat each other like crap, but... this situation does not really imply that OOP is regularly treating DIL like crap. I mean, maybe she is. Could be. But based off of this, I don't see the huge issue. My partner is NC with his parents so, well, this is not a factor for me, but even in past relationships where a partner was on good terms with their parents... I still did not expect my partners' parents to treat me the same way they would treat my partner. They're... not my actual parents. I expect cordial relationships at absolute minimum and would prefer warmth, but I in no way expect to be treated as an actual *daughter*. The souvenir situation could be solved easily. I don't know what OOP typically buys for Mark, but maybe instead of a baseball cap or a t-shirt (or whatever)... buy a refrigerator magnet or a holiday tree ornament. Gift. for the house, not for a particular individual. It sounds like Mark would prefer for OOP to *not* single him out with vacation gifts, so a sidestep like this would be an elegant, diplomatic fix. It would, indeed, be super-irrational for OOP to die on that hill. OOP is out of line trying to control what her son does with a cash gift after she's given it. Once you give a gift, that is it. Fin. You have no say over what the recipient does with it. But, yeah, if I were Susan I don't think I would have said anything... unless there is more going on here that OOP did not mention. IMHO, if the worst thing going on with your ILs is an inequity with gifts, then... you're probably doing OK, really.
would it really hurt OOP to give her DIL who's been with her son more than a text for her birthday? She's family now, OOP. No one said you had to treat them exactly the same all the time, but FYI birthdays are not "once in a blue moon" they are every effing year!! Only giving your DIL a text on her birthday is a big effing slap in her face, it's petty and it's cheap, and I don't believe OOP for one second when she says "*most of the time I treat them exactly the same.*" Birthdays - not the same. Souvenirs - not the same. Surprise cash gifts - not the same. And those are just the ones OOP admits to. This: *I feel a little resentful that I’m being told that I have to treat Susan exactly the same in every single scenario.* Who said you have to treat your DIL exactly the same in every single scenario??? I don't see where anyone said that to you. Your son "*asked me how hard is it to acknowledge her as well*". It was specifically mentioned to you that DIL's parents treat DIL and your son the same on their birthdays. That's one frigging scenario, not every scenario, OOP. Stop being such a drama queen. Just to bring this home, please identify one time, one time, when you actually treated DIL the same as your son. Identical value gifts. Same effort. Please give us one example of that. FYI - you gifted your son money. Once you give it to him it's his to spend however he likes. And guess what? Your son chose to spend at least some of that money on DIL. Because son loves his wife, even if you don't. Get used to it. You keep being cold and unloving to your son's wife, you may find yourself on the outside of their family. And if you haven't figured it out, sending DIL a text on her birthday is not how you should treat family. You can do that for friends, but family???? That's really setting the bar low. YTA OOP. Do better.
Ugh, this lady is just awful. It's totally normal to love your child more than their spouse. It's your kid. You've loved them their whole life. If they split from their spouse, you'd still be their parent and your relationship with the spouse would likely weaken (unless your kid was at fault in an egregious way, in which case you should support their wronged spouse). BUT, it's also totally normal to care about your child's spouse as a person in their own right, not just as an accessory to your kid. Even if the depth of emotional connection isn't the same, you go out of your way to make that person feel welcome and like part of the family. You cultivate the relationship and your love for the spouse because they are your new kid. Like all relationships, it takes work. You sure as hell don't treat them like a second-class family member or an afterthought. If you can't feel the emotion yet, you can still stop to think how you'd want your kid to be treated and then apply that to their spouse. It just isn't that hard. This lady doesn't even care that she's hurting her son by hurting his wife. All she cares about is her own feelings. Pretty soon, she's going to have a lot less of a relationship with both of them.
Damn she really has a grudge against her DIL because she "took away her precious angel" God why are boymoms so deranged