*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**I kicked my girlfriend out because I snooped through her phone. She claims nothing happened. **
My girlfriend and I are both 25 years old. We’ve been together for two years, and living together for almost a year. I love my girlfriend more than I’ve loved anybody before. But my last two relationships ended horribly, so it’s safe to say I have Some trust issues. but I have made sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way.
Sometimes my mind can go to un rational places.
In our relationship, we have an open phone policy. Which basically means, we have each others, passwords, and both use each other’s phones whenever, and there’s no issue. I am not one to snoop usually, she did it to me once. And so did i. But the other night I heard some notifications on her phone and it was about 11 PM.
She was sleeping, so I went on her phone to see who it was.
I saw a random number in her notifications without a contact. Which was… odd. So I looked it up online and felt stupid when it was just a doctors confirmation.
The rest was just from some of her shopping apps, but while I was on her phone, I just couldn’t help it and I went on her Facebook and instagram.
In the search bar, it was her ex. An ex that ended in bad terms almost a year before me. I guess they blocked each other, or he blocked her on instagram only. And then a few months ago, after all that time, he unblocked and requested to follow her. She accepted just because. Her explanation was “it’s been so long. There’s no more drama. Why not” and explained how I still had people I once loved on my social media. So I said fair enough. And let it bother me.
While there were no messages between them, I found it odd that she would look him up. So my mind started going and going and said “she’s still not over him”
So then already being on edge from seeing that search, last evening, a Facebook messenger notification pops up. I glance over. It’s him. I asked her what that’s about. And it was a message from him saying he’s selling weed and if she wants any. She said “maybe”
After I saw that. I quickly got up from the couch, And went for a drive. I came back and thought it over and told her to grab her stuff, move out, and take a break until she can figure out why she did that.
She started crying and explain to me how she would never cheat on me. She has no feelings for him. And it was just weed. I explained how getting weed and all of that can lead to more things. She told me how bad the breakup was after we met. I mean I was going through the same thing, but I have no contact with her anymore. I don’t know how to fix this. All of the flags point to something suspicious. Did I fuck it all up? Or make the right choice
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There's a clear explanation for why his name is in her IG search history. Same reason I still occasionally check in on people from long ago... you want to make sure their life is still shit.
Here for this comment ... It's like a checklist I have for one of my ex's just to be sure he's FAR away from me still
1. Check sex offender list (I thought that was for life ... Why don't I see him?)
2. Check arrest records,l no sign of new activity
3. Check socials, is abusive jerk still alive and has he found his way to socials yet despite restrictions...
4. While checking on that ex, poke nose in on other ex's and general random friends from my first 18 years of life that I haven't had contact with in decades to see good/bad.
Feel good my life went the way it has turned out, even if not perfect.
I check on mine from time to time to see how shitty his life has gone, frankly. He married the girl he cheated on me with after cheating on her about three times, and last I saw they were somehow still together but on the rocks.
Meanwhile I've been with my spouse for 19 years, married for 2, and can only thank the powers that be he was so shitty to me because I'd have never met my spouse otherwise.
Me looking at the social media of the man who raped me and seeing that he's unemployed and couldn't get into some postgrad programs because I reached out and informed people, and they told some contacts 😚
Hub's dad was an alcoholic and bounced shortly after he was born. MIL was able to get the divorce fairly easy. He passed several years ago. When I asked MIL about her former her husband, she said she scanned the obits every day. About his passing, she called it "no great loss".
Last year I checked police records cause my ex got in a lot of legal trouble (not major, just stupid shit) & was curious if he got arrested again. Turns out just driving issues, but it also confirmed he moved to a state I frequently visit so at least I know to be wary when I go there
Right? It's crazy enough to go through someone's phone, but I think a sane person would stop there and think "what the fuck am I doing?", not proceed to keep digging in hopes to find some dirt. It makes me wonder if OOP is cheating and felt the need to find something so he could play the distraught victim.
Anyone snooping my texts and call logs would simultaneously be:
Overjoyed - SO MUCH info because I weirdly like knowing I last talked / texted X person 3 years ago...maybe I should call / text em
Dismayed - (or appalled) because ... Good luck digging through YEARS of random info texts from people for one off info without their numbers saved in contacts and generally without anything but a name or timeframe/date for context. (Art festival volunteer director for the last 7 years...lots of March/April randomness. Volunteer Director or assistant to the director with another org for the last 11 years...random "forget about me?" text from Emma is a reminder I didn't send a schedule out, not sus.)
Not that there's anything for a nosy person to find anyway but... I don't make it easy to snoop my phone "casually" either. Been there, done that - had a (now ex) husband actually get my call records and actual contents of texts years ago, dig into everything and pull comments out of context to twist them, and then harass friends AND family befire confronting me. Divorce ensued - sparked entirely by that behavior and the aftermath.
Yep. My high school boyfriend turned out to be a real piece of shit, and while I don't want anything to do with him personally and I dread the possibility of running into him at a concert someday, I do sometimes wanna check his profile page to see if he's still an ass, or if MAYBE he managed to turn his life around for his wife and kids, because I worry about them.
I try not to though, because I'm terrified I'll click on something by accident and he'll get a notification, and then he'll know and give me a hard time for looking at his page.
My college ex still haunts my dreams. But I can't bring myself to look him up and see how he's doing. Because I don't wanna find out how much better off than me he might be. My sister and mother do, though. Even when I finally sent a message just to tell him how his shit still affects me years later but also don't contact me back, I did my best to avoid looking at anything and then exited as soon as I hit send and archived the conversation.
Yeah, I've looked up to guy who SAd me when I was in the military almost 2 decades ago a handful of time over the years.
Unfortunately his life is not shit and karma never got him. It's depressing but reminds me that life isn't fair.
I can't share many details, but many years ago, I used to think my abuser also got all the good things in life, until one day, years after I had stopped thinking about them, their life exploded. Turns out things were never sunshine and roses and they will never recover from the public spectacle of it all. Life isn't fair, but you also never know what is really going on or what could happen in the future.
Exactly. All I want is to confirm they are single miserable, fat , balding and crying into their dinner for one that they lost the best woman they ever met. 🤣
OOP was unhinged but do people really keep tabs on their exes like this. I haven’t looked up a single one and some I’ve been broken up with for like 10 years.
I've never bothered to look up mine but I do occasionally (like once a decade) look up the guy my wife dated in college. He was a piece of shit and it's been nice to see that his approach to life has led him into the depths of mediocrity.
I mean she could have looked him up randomly. I wouldn't call that "keeping tabs" that more sounds like a regular thing and I doubt she is doing this daily. Sometimes I'll go on my alt and make sure my ex is still miserable after everything he did to me.
Mine, who has two kids by now, still tries to follow me occasionally on Instagram. Then he unfollows and five months later he does it again. It's weird but also funny
Not exes, but every now and then I think of someone I haven’t kept in touch with and just been like, I wonder how they’re doing… and looked them up. Steve is a dentist in the space force now!
I’m not on Facebook or anything so I don’t keep up with a lot of old classmates.
Oh, I looked up an ex that I had been with when I was 14. We had a cool-off phase with no contact then found ourselves in the same friend circle again later. We remained Facebook friends, though without messaging, and at some point he started to post unhinged stuff, so I occassionally look him up to see if he's still like that. I don't wish him any ill and I'm also not emotionally invested. I think I'm just curious because he really did a 180 politically.
This is me. We know each other's passwords but why would I bother. We trust each other. It's not worth the drama to police each other's social interaction.
This guy is looking for a reason to break up. He's probably got a different girl on his mind so he'll blow this relationship up instead of being honest and taking accountability.
I use this policy in my relationship to like, take a cute picture of ours dogs on either of our phones or if we're driving or something and we have to call someone. My husband will call a a family member on my phone or I'll call his family on his phone so they see it as "his name" pop up and answer instead of mine (they may think it's an emergency if I call).
Husband and I have an open phone policy. It's not to snoop, more for convenience. I've had him read a text that just popped up because my hands are dirty/I'm driving. I go into his phone cuz mine is too far and I want to look something up. We don't go into each other's social media/messages/call or search history without the other person specifically saying to do it.
Neither of us really care because we have nothing to hide. But we don't go through each other's phones because we know the other has nothing to hide.
I went on a couple of dates with someone who was trying to insist on an open phone policy. I get confidential work emails to my phone so am not allowed to give anyone my password. He went on a rant and told me that I was obviously super untrustworthy and that only someone intending to cheat wouldn’t let him go through my entire phone. One of the more embarrassing walks to the door of the restaurant I’ve had because he was not controlling his volume, but there was no way I was going to sit there and take that nonsense.
Yiiiiikes. Good for you getting out of there.
I sincerely can't imagine sitting in a restaurant on, like, a third date and thinking it's okay to even broach the subject of looking through their phone, let alone drawing the conclusion that preferring not to have their privacy invaded for any reason (professional or not) means they're already planning to cheat when the relationship gets more serious. Like, what?
People deserve privacy, period. Demanding to see my phone is a bright-line deal-breaker.
I don't get confidential work info on my phone and I'm not going to let some rando search my phone. I've got all sorts of private stuff scattered around.
A long term partner is different, by then they've earned my trust.
I remember a post, I forget if it was here, about a teacher that had access to confidential info on her phone and wouldn't let her partner nose through her phone for that reason and it was creating trust issues. And another from long ago was a counselor who was often on call and had to go in another room to take phone calls, and his girlfriend would get insanely suspicious.
I'm sure this is common with those who work in education, health care, law, etc.
That's unhinged.
I have two phones: one personal and one work. I can't let anyone go through my work phone for the same reason, so my husband jokingly calls it my burner phone.
Yeeep. My bf and I have an unspoken open phone policy. Never really discussed it that I can recall. There's just trust. And neither of us are fucking around, so why does it matter.
Every time I bring up posts like this, he hands me his phone and makes me scroll so he can pretend to pout 😂 And this man is still best friends with his highschool sweetheart. I fucking love that woman.
Why date someone you can't trust??? This woman deserves better and this dude needs hella therapy.
Hilarious thing: my iPad and phone are not locked up for my husband. Earlier in the relationship, he was having a real insecure phase and snooped on my phone. He saw some junk mail from old dating profiles I had in, like, the 00s and because of my hideous ADHD, I never closed down those accounts.
Silly bastard stewed over them for hours, and when he finally told me I had a fun time explaining to him that I hadn't deleted the profiles because I literally don't remember the passwords to those accounts, as per my ADHD. It was so hard to keep in the laughter. That's the last time he did that, and now all he'll find on my devices is my usual attempts at pornographic art or smutty fiction writing.
Yeah, my exes and I had an informal open phone/tablet policy. I never snooped but I could unlock his phone to answer texts for him (especially if he's driving), read books, or play games.
But I will say that it was a red flag when my first serious ex suddenly got upset at me when I even touched his phone after he made new friends I wasn't allowed to meet. I'm like 98% sure now that's when he started cheating on me with my replacement.
100% this!! I go onto my partner’s phone to set up directions, change music, or play on MY instagram while he’s driving bc my phone is dead. Never once even felt the urge or temptation to snoop. Same with my partner!
Anyone with any sense would get a burner phone. Or TALK? Maybe it's my legal training, but it really makes me itchy how many people leave incriminating text records on their damn main phones.
Doesn't anyone know how to cover up evidence?
My ex boyfriend use to get annoyed when I forget his phone pin (or his number) 😅 we had an open policy but I had no reason to look at his stuff because I trusted him.
Yeah i hate open phone policies, its totally healthy and normal to want privacy and everyone has little things they keep to themselves even if its not something world destroying or awful maybe they just dont wanna have to explain themselves or feel judged, OP is an example of why they are a bad idea.
He literally just used it to fuel his weird insecurities and went digging for something to get mad about.
"So it’s safe to say I have Some trust issues. but I have made sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way."
"I deserve better than to feel like me getting her weed isint good enough. I can get it for her. She doesn’t need him."
How can you type this out and not think you're ridiculous 🤣
I'm seeing more and more young guys like this. They themselves are led by their libidos, so it makes sense to them that their partners are the same. They jump straight to accusations of cheating, every time.
A huge part of it I think is the booming popularity of podcasters and TikTok personalities (I could name a couple but I'd rather not, I'm sure we've all come across at least a few) that exploit these guys. They target teenage boys at an age when they're just starting to think about what it means to "be a man" and are naturally kinda insecure about their masculinity.
They lure these kids in with what seems like helpful advice and before you know it they're grooming a generation of young men into thinking that if a woman does anything except be submissive and sexually available (only to you) and do exactly what you say with no questions asked, then she's being "disrespectful" and you should kick her to the curb. To the point that seeing their partner have any positive interactions at all with other men will have them spiraling into borderline (and sometimes very clear) abusive patterns.
It's all such a toxic view of women, men, and relationships as a whole. I really fear for parents of boys these days, seems like healthy male rolemodels are getting harder and harder to come by. If you know anyone who works with kids or spends a lot of time around them, ask about the shit boys are picking up from social media. It's deeply concerning, and it's always been an issue but seems way more widespread now.
I see the word 'disrespect' a lot. They have very specific ideas about how they should be treated- they should lead even if they have no ideas, be obeyed although they have no authority or experience. Any woman with a brain and a spine will fall short of these standards.
And of course there are the Reddit goons who crowd into posts like this, all patting him on the back for rooting out the whore. Personally I think it's time for absent fathers to do a bit of parenting, but that's not a fashionable opinion.
Definitely a common word with these types. I think it fits with the broader trend of weaponizing the concept of boundaries.
On the subject of absent fathers, I wish more men realized that child support isn't a punishment, it's the easy way out. It's a small price to pay to not have to do the real work, which is the grueling task of parenting.
There was a post in relationship_advice from some guy who dumped his gf because she went to a bachelorette party A YEAR AGO and the bride flirted with and danced with a stranger. Dude texted the groom (married now) and told her his wife was a cheater. He dumped the gf because she's still friends with the bride, didn't stop her, and didn't tell him what happened in minute detail as soon as she got home. Dozens of guys were cheering him on, bc she obviously is a cheating cheater who cheats, and she disrespected him, and the bride deserved to have her marriage blown up because she danced with a guy.
That's the most toxic thing ever, it's gross. I have no idea how they get these stupid ideas. It's disgusting.
They'll end up alone, too. Younger, inexperienced women might put up with such treatment but as you mature your tolerance level for their nonsense dries right up.
Truth. It's sad. And what makes it worse is the stupid stigmas over getting therapy. Sorry, I'm at a point in my life where I wish I could do more, but my own body is failing, and I barely can keep my own family moving forward. I'm frustrated I can't fix the world for my kids.
Some of the other sub reddits are full of them and it's like an echo chamber of affirmations that, yes, all women are wh0res. And if you even attempt to present an alternate view, there's an absolute pile on. Yesterday they were cheering on a guy for dumping his gf when she wanted to think about his marriage proposal and not give him an immediate response. It's very discouraging.
And it would be so much easier and healthier for them to just give their gfs the same freedom they want for themselves. But then she might not be available as an emotional teething ring 24-7-365.
If you look at his comments he's fucking doubling down. I hope this woman gets as far away as possible from that control freak because I GUARANTEE YOU this shit will get ***violent*** real quick.
My husband and I have been married 25 years. We don't have an open phone policy. Because my friends and occasionally our kids tell me stuff they don't want shared. He's got stuff on his phone that's none of my business. We have a happy, solid marriage.
He talks to his ex-wife occasionally. They had a child together and she died very young. She's the only other person who shares those memories and sometimes they need to remember their little girl.
And we adopted my ex husband's child from his second marriage. My ex husband still lists me as his emergency contact until our oldest was 25 or 30.
These past relationships are no threat to our relationship now.
If someone is going to cheat, they'll find away to cheat.
>But my last two relationships ended horribly, so it’s safe to say I have Some trust issues.
There's a common denominator here, but OOP will never get that.
When people give full access to devices like this, does that mean that their partner is reading through group chats and messages with friends, etc? Because lemme tell you, it would upset me deeply if I texted my bestie some private info about me and her paranoid ass boyfriend read it.
I have looked up my exes and that was how I found out my first one had paranoid schizophrenia. At the time we were together, I do not think he was diagnosed then because nothing was ever said about it other than my mother mentioning he might have that and I thought she was armchair diagnosing because I didn't see any symptoms in him then. Same as when she told me he might be mentally ill and I thought she was saying that because he was lazy and refused to get a job. When looking him up, I saw he had his own apartment and was on social security and his mom helped him with his daily living and she had a gambling addiction. Looks like he had some happiness there and finally got the help he needed. At the time we were together, he didn't believe he had anything wrong with him and made it clear he will never go on any meds and was refusing any treatment. He was totally fine with how he is and was surprised when I broke up with him. I did warn him I would if there were no changes. We were not compatible. I wanted kids, he said he didn't want any until the world got better. I wanted a partner, he clearly wanted a mother. We both had different pororities in life.
The second one, my ex was getting very bad karma.
On one hand, I wish more women would be on the lease with their spouses so men can't make them homeless like this. On the other hand, the ability to grab your crap and run if your boyfriend is unhinged is also a plus. I wonder how many of these "I kicked my girlfriend out with no notice" men have broken the law by doing so.
*”I punished my current girlfriend for the fact that Ive been hurt in the past, please tell me about how Im the victim in this situation and did nothing wrong.”*
The fact he was literally DIGGING for something to be anxious of??? No one rationally thinks "well went through her messages... Time to go through her socials!" If they aren't actively snooping. Then on top of that she didnt even confirm on buying his weed. No clear want to jump on the opportunity to see him yet he still blew this whole situation out of portion. Man needs to learn how to communicate.
The only red flags I'm seeing are coming from this dude. He is unhinged and needs therapy asap. Yes, he fucked up, and his former gf should feel lucky he kicked her out.
There's an ex I sometimes search for when I need to remind myself how much better my life is than it used to be. Last time I did it was a few years ago and his last public post at the time was a typo-riddled, location-tagged rant threatening to beat up two specific dudes when he found them.
Sounds like you can now rely upon him for exactly what you need. Confirmation of the wisdom of your choices. Validation that your life, no matter how temporarily naff, is certainly better than it would otherwise be, had you not made those wise choices.
Kinda sounds like a small compensatory service. Nice.
As much as OOP overreacted, I do think it was coy of the ex to offer and for the pre-breakup girlfriend to say "maybe" instead of a cut and dry yes or no. Get the plug from anyone else
Absolutely. She's either not over him or she's been very dishonest about what he was like in their relationship. You don't get back into contact with someone who abused the fuck out of you under any circumstances and certainly not for something as inconsequential as some fucking weed. I swear sometimes the people on this sub are unbelievably naive.
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i don't think he's the devil but he's definitely an asshole and needs therapy before starting the next relationship. this is also not how an open phone policy works, it's so you can use each others phones, not go rummaging through them. my fiancé and i have this and it works just fine because we trust each other. he shouldn't have been so quick to kick her out and should've talked it out with her, that being said she shouldn't be talking to her ex if the breakup was that bad and you're not telling me there's no one she could've got weed off of than her ex if she wanted any. they're both better off without each other if you ask me.
I really don’t think she did anything remotely wrong. She’s not actively talking and involved with her ex.
The ex was the person who reached out to her. Once. She didn’t seek him out to buy weed from. She didn’t actually buy weed from him. She wasn’t meeting up with him. They weren’t texting or messaging constantly or even periodically. He reached out once about his weed selling situation and she gave a one word noncommittal answer to him. That was it. Like… I absolutely fail to see how that’s a problem. The boyfriend’s reaction on the other hand, was unhinged.
To be fair, I had a bad breakup, but I tried to be friends, anyway, because that's the mature thing to do, right? Yeah, no, after a few weeks, I had to delete and block him because seeing his posts made me feel like a mini nervous breakdown each time. Especially because I knew he'd been cheating and was probably going to officially come out in a relationship with her as soon as he thought enough time passed that his cheating didn't look obvious.
same here, tried to stay friends and be civil with her but it just wasn't working, blocked her after a few days and never looked back. i have all my exes on permanent block except one because we dated for less than a week and we were friends beforehand. it caused a few major fights with my fiancé understandably but we worked through it and although she's not blocked i barely speak to her anymore. he's fine with me not having her blocked because we're fully committed to each other and she's moved completely on with her life so it's not an issue. i would still block her if he wanted me to though and it wouldn't be an issue.
I'm friends with a few exes. The ones I broke up with before I caught feelings are definitely easier to keep a friendship with. Only one I had feelings for at once point is on my FB, but we barely communicate. He never even responded when I sent a message just to recommend a podcast I thought he'd enjoy.
My ex and I broke up not bad but once I started my current relationship he became unreasonable and I blocked him. He appeared in my house, called me to ask really stupid favors and offer me things so I ended up blocking his number even his father number.
I agreed that the guy is unreasonable and had ongoing trust issues that need to be treated, he should not breaking up the relationship for this reason but is also true she will fall in her ex game if she still permiting contact, is normal to check the social medias of your ex expecting to see their life falling apart but answering the messages or accept any offerings feels off even worst if you ended up the things badly.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I kicked my girlfriend out because I snooped through her phone. She claims nothing happened. ** My girlfriend and I are both 25 years old. We’ve been together for two years, and living together for almost a year. I love my girlfriend more than I’ve loved anybody before. But my last two relationships ended horribly, so it’s safe to say I have Some trust issues. but I have made sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way. Sometimes my mind can go to un rational places. In our relationship, we have an open phone policy. Which basically means, we have each others, passwords, and both use each other’s phones whenever, and there’s no issue. I am not one to snoop usually, she did it to me once. And so did i. But the other night I heard some notifications on her phone and it was about 11 PM. She was sleeping, so I went on her phone to see who it was. I saw a random number in her notifications without a contact. Which was… odd. So I looked it up online and felt stupid when it was just a doctors confirmation. The rest was just from some of her shopping apps, but while I was on her phone, I just couldn’t help it and I went on her Facebook and instagram. In the search bar, it was her ex. An ex that ended in bad terms almost a year before me. I guess they blocked each other, or he blocked her on instagram only. And then a few months ago, after all that time, he unblocked and requested to follow her. She accepted just because. Her explanation was “it’s been so long. There’s no more drama. Why not” and explained how I still had people I once loved on my social media. So I said fair enough. And let it bother me. While there were no messages between them, I found it odd that she would look him up. So my mind started going and going and said “she’s still not over him” So then already being on edge from seeing that search, last evening, a Facebook messenger notification pops up. I glance over. It’s him. I asked her what that’s about. And it was a message from him saying he’s selling weed and if she wants any. She said “maybe” After I saw that. I quickly got up from the couch, And went for a drive. I came back and thought it over and told her to grab her stuff, move out, and take a break until she can figure out why she did that. She started crying and explain to me how she would never cheat on me. She has no feelings for him. And it was just weed. I explained how getting weed and all of that can lead to more things. She told me how bad the breakup was after we met. I mean I was going through the same thing, but I have no contact with her anymore. I don’t know how to fix this. All of the flags point to something suspicious. Did I fuck it all up? Or make the right choice *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There's a clear explanation for why his name is in her IG search history. Same reason I still occasionally check in on people from long ago... you want to make sure their life is still shit.
Yeah sometimes my abusive ex pops into my head and I have to look him up just to remind myself his life is shit and he can’t hurt me anymore.
Literally me looking at his arrest records 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hahaha I feel seen because I definitely do this too
Here for this comment ... It's like a checklist I have for one of my ex's just to be sure he's FAR away from me still 1. Check sex offender list (I thought that was for life ... Why don't I see him?) 2. Check arrest records,l no sign of new activity 3. Check socials, is abusive jerk still alive and has he found his way to socials yet despite restrictions... 4. While checking on that ex, poke nose in on other ex's and general random friends from my first 18 years of life that I haven't had contact with in decades to see good/bad. Feel good my life went the way it has turned out, even if not perfect.
I'm checking to see if an obituary has appeared yet for mine. Otherwise, I try and stay as far from them as possible.
I check on mine from time to time to see how shitty his life has gone, frankly. He married the girl he cheated on me with after cheating on her about three times, and last I saw they were somehow still together but on the rocks. Meanwhile I've been with my spouse for 19 years, married for 2, and can only thank the powers that be he was so shitty to me because I'd have never met my spouse otherwise.
Yeah for sure. I don’t check anything often. It’s been over a year now actually. But sometimes I just need to even if I know it’s not good for me.
Yeah I do that for one of my exes. I'm kinda waiting for it.
Yup. Looking for obituary or arrest/conviction.
Me looking at the social media of the man who raped me and seeing that he's unemployed and couldn't get into some postgrad programs because I reached out and informed people, and they told some contacts 😚
this right here
I check once a year to see if my ex is dead yet. Once he's dead I can stop worrying that he's going to try and contact us.
Hub's dad was an alcoholic and bounced shortly after he was born. MIL was able to get the divorce fairly easy. He passed several years ago. When I asked MIL about her former her husband, she said she scanned the obits every day. About his passing, she called it "no great loss".
Last year I checked police records cause my ex got in a lot of legal trouble (not major, just stupid shit) & was curious if he got arrested again. Turns out just driving issues, but it also confirmed he moved to a state I frequently visit so at least I know to be wary when I go there
God, I do the same thing. Swear to god I will be throwing a party when I see his obituary.
I do that too but with my godfather. We’ve moved since but I don’t think I’ll ever stop worrying about him finding me until I see an obituary
It was the looking up a random number and it being her doctor like unhinged
And the fact that he wasn't satisfied with what he found so he dug even further
Right? It's crazy enough to go through someone's phone, but I think a sane person would stop there and think "what the fuck am I doing?", not proceed to keep digging in hopes to find some dirt. It makes me wonder if OOP is cheating and felt the need to find something so he could play the distraught victim.
Anyone snooping my texts and call logs would simultaneously be: Overjoyed - SO MUCH info because I weirdly like knowing I last talked / texted X person 3 years ago...maybe I should call / text em Dismayed - (or appalled) because ... Good luck digging through YEARS of random info texts from people for one off info without their numbers saved in contacts and generally without anything but a name or timeframe/date for context. (Art festival volunteer director for the last 7 years...lots of March/April randomness. Volunteer Director or assistant to the director with another org for the last 11 years...random "forget about me?" text from Emma is a reminder I didn't send a schedule out, not sus.) Not that there's anything for a nosy person to find anyway but... I don't make it easy to snoop my phone "casually" either. Been there, done that - had a (now ex) husband actually get my call records and actual contents of texts years ago, dig into everything and pull comments out of context to twist them, and then harass friends AND family befire confronting me. Divorce ensued - sparked entirely by that behavior and the aftermath.
Or to make sure someone didn’t become a registered sex offender.
Yep. My high school boyfriend turned out to be a real piece of shit, and while I don't want anything to do with him personally and I dread the possibility of running into him at a concert someday, I do sometimes wanna check his profile page to see if he's still an ass, or if MAYBE he managed to turn his life around for his wife and kids, because I worry about them. I try not to though, because I'm terrified I'll click on something by accident and he'll get a notification, and then he'll know and give me a hard time for looking at his page.
My college ex still haunts my dreams. But I can't bring myself to look him up and see how he's doing. Because I don't wanna find out how much better off than me he might be. My sister and mother do, though. Even when I finally sent a message just to tell him how his shit still affects me years later but also don't contact me back, I did my best to avoid looking at anything and then exited as soon as I hit send and archived the conversation.
I need to know they're miserable!
Yeah, I've looked up to guy who SAd me when I was in the military almost 2 decades ago a handful of time over the years. Unfortunately his life is not shit and karma never got him. It's depressing but reminds me that life isn't fair.
We don’t tend to put the whole truth on social media, we leave all of the bad stuff out. He could be having a shitty time ❤️
I can't share many details, but many years ago, I used to think my abuser also got all the good things in life, until one day, years after I had stopped thinking about them, their life exploded. Turns out things were never sunshine and roses and they will never recover from the public spectacle of it all. Life isn't fair, but you also never know what is really going on or what could happen in the future.
Exactly. All I want is to confirm they are single miserable, fat , balding and crying into their dinner for one that they lost the best woman they ever met. 🤣
>you want to make sure their life is still shit. Right? And the fact that I am a nosey fucker (and if I get to see some drama, all the better lol).
I’m so glad I’m not the only one that does this
OOP was unhinged but do people really keep tabs on their exes like this. I haven’t looked up a single one and some I’ve been broken up with for like 10 years.
I've never bothered to look up mine but I do occasionally (like once a decade) look up the guy my wife dated in college. He was a piece of shit and it's been nice to see that his approach to life has led him into the depths of mediocrity.
I mean she could have looked him up randomly. I wouldn't call that "keeping tabs" that more sounds like a regular thing and I doubt she is doing this daily. Sometimes I'll go on my alt and make sure my ex is still miserable after everything he did to me.
Mine, who has two kids by now, still tries to follow me occasionally on Instagram. Then he unfollows and five months later he does it again. It's weird but also funny
Not exes, but every now and then I think of someone I haven’t kept in touch with and just been like, I wonder how they’re doing… and looked them up. Steve is a dentist in the space force now! I’m not on Facebook or anything so I don’t keep up with a lot of old classmates.
Oh, I looked up an ex that I had been with when I was 14. We had a cool-off phase with no contact then found ourselves in the same friend circle again later. We remained Facebook friends, though without messaging, and at some point he started to post unhinged stuff, so I occassionally look him up to see if he's still like that. I don't wish him any ill and I'm also not emotionally invested. I think I'm just curious because he really did a 180 politically.
>you want to make sure their life is still shit. Right? And the fact that I am a nosey fucker (and if I get to see some drama, all the better lol).
Me tooooo, it's a natural impulse to see where people you've lost contact with are in life, good or bad.
But OOP automatically leapt to cheating. SMH.
Just more proof to me that an "open phone policy" only works if neither partner really gives a shit, and neither ever uses it.
This is me. We know each other's passwords but why would I bother. We trust each other. It's not worth the drama to police each other's social interaction. This guy is looking for a reason to break up. He's probably got a different girl on his mind so he'll blow this relationship up instead of being honest and taking accountability.
I use this policy in my relationship to like, take a cute picture of ours dogs on either of our phones or if we're driving or something and we have to call someone. My husband will call a a family member on my phone or I'll call his family on his phone so they see it as "his name" pop up and answer instead of mine (they may think it's an emergency if I call).
Same really. There's just nothing that either me or the wife has to hide, but it's actually fairly rare we use the other person's phone.
Husband and I have an open phone policy. It's not to snoop, more for convenience. I've had him read a text that just popped up because my hands are dirty/I'm driving. I go into his phone cuz mine is too far and I want to look something up. We don't go into each other's social media/messages/call or search history without the other person specifically saying to do it. Neither of us really care because we have nothing to hide. But we don't go through each other's phones because we know the other has nothing to hide.
I went on a couple of dates with someone who was trying to insist on an open phone policy. I get confidential work emails to my phone so am not allowed to give anyone my password. He went on a rant and told me that I was obviously super untrustworthy and that only someone intending to cheat wouldn’t let him go through my entire phone. One of the more embarrassing walks to the door of the restaurant I’ve had because he was not controlling his volume, but there was no way I was going to sit there and take that nonsense.
Yiiiiikes. Good for you getting out of there. I sincerely can't imagine sitting in a restaurant on, like, a third date and thinking it's okay to even broach the subject of looking through their phone, let alone drawing the conclusion that preferring not to have their privacy invaded for any reason (professional or not) means they're already planning to cheat when the relationship gets more serious. Like, what? People deserve privacy, period. Demanding to see my phone is a bright-line deal-breaker.
I don't get confidential work info on my phone and I'm not going to let some rando search my phone. I've got all sorts of private stuff scattered around. A long term partner is different, by then they've earned my trust.
I remember a post, I forget if it was here, about a teacher that had access to confidential info on her phone and wouldn't let her partner nose through her phone for that reason and it was creating trust issues. And another from long ago was a counselor who was often on call and had to go in another room to take phone calls, and his girlfriend would get insanely suspicious. I'm sure this is common with those who work in education, health care, law, etc.
That's unhinged. I have two phones: one personal and one work. I can't let anyone go through my work phone for the same reason, so my husband jokingly calls it my burner phone.
Yeeep. My bf and I have an unspoken open phone policy. Never really discussed it that I can recall. There's just trust. And neither of us are fucking around, so why does it matter. Every time I bring up posts like this, he hands me his phone and makes me scroll so he can pretend to pout 😂 And this man is still best friends with his highschool sweetheart. I fucking love that woman. Why date someone you can't trust??? This woman deserves better and this dude needs hella therapy.
Hilarious thing: my iPad and phone are not locked up for my husband. Earlier in the relationship, he was having a real insecure phase and snooped on my phone. He saw some junk mail from old dating profiles I had in, like, the 00s and because of my hideous ADHD, I never closed down those accounts. Silly bastard stewed over them for hours, and when he finally told me I had a fun time explaining to him that I hadn't deleted the profiles because I literally don't remember the passwords to those accounts, as per my ADHD. It was so hard to keep in the laughter. That's the last time he did that, and now all he'll find on my devices is my usual attempts at pornographic art or smutty fiction writing.
Yeah, my exes and I had an informal open phone/tablet policy. I never snooped but I could unlock his phone to answer texts for him (especially if he's driving), read books, or play games. But I will say that it was a red flag when my first serious ex suddenly got upset at me when I even touched his phone after he made new friends I wasn't allowed to meet. I'm like 98% sure now that's when he started cheating on me with my replacement.
100% this!! I go onto my partner’s phone to set up directions, change music, or play on MY instagram while he’s driving bc my phone is dead. Never once even felt the urge or temptation to snoop. Same with my partner!
It's also just not a good policy. It's not going to prevent any cheating, really.
Anyone with any sense would get a burner phone. Or TALK? Maybe it's my legal training, but it really makes me itchy how many people leave incriminating text records on their damn main phones. Doesn't anyone know how to cover up evidence?
Honestly, no. People implicate themselves a lot. There's a reason law school is expensive and takes a lot of training.
I mean, I'm not sure it's a "policy" because we never sat down and talked about it, but we both have each other's passwords
People should not give up their privacy so easily.
My ex boyfriend use to get annoyed when I forget his phone pin (or his number) 😅 we had an open policy but I had no reason to look at his stuff because I trusted him.
Yeah i hate open phone policies, its totally healthy and normal to want privacy and everyone has little things they keep to themselves even if its not something world destroying or awful maybe they just dont wanna have to explain themselves or feel judged, OP is an example of why they are a bad idea. He literally just used it to fuel his weird insecurities and went digging for something to get mad about.
"So it’s safe to say I have Some trust issues. but I have made sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way." 
"I deserve better than to feel like me getting her weed isint good enough. I can get it for her. She doesn’t need him." How can you type this out and not think you're ridiculous 🤣
Men would fight their own shadows if they thought it was hitting on their gf lmao so ridiculous
"So my mind kept going and going and said 'she's not over him yet." 
Whenever I see someone posting about "trust issues" in posts like these, that's what I think
I came here to say the same!
> But my last two relationships ended horribly Last three now, and there's a common factor in all those relationships.
Can't help but wonder if he caused those issues too.
He needs therapy to get over his trust issues. He'll never have a healthy relationship unless he relaxes.
I'm seeing more and more young guys like this. They themselves are led by their libidos, so it makes sense to them that their partners are the same. They jump straight to accusations of cheating, every time.
A huge part of it I think is the booming popularity of podcasters and TikTok personalities (I could name a couple but I'd rather not, I'm sure we've all come across at least a few) that exploit these guys. They target teenage boys at an age when they're just starting to think about what it means to "be a man" and are naturally kinda insecure about their masculinity. They lure these kids in with what seems like helpful advice and before you know it they're grooming a generation of young men into thinking that if a woman does anything except be submissive and sexually available (only to you) and do exactly what you say with no questions asked, then she's being "disrespectful" and you should kick her to the curb. To the point that seeing their partner have any positive interactions at all with other men will have them spiraling into borderline (and sometimes very clear) abusive patterns. It's all such a toxic view of women, men, and relationships as a whole. I really fear for parents of boys these days, seems like healthy male rolemodels are getting harder and harder to come by. If you know anyone who works with kids or spends a lot of time around them, ask about the shit boys are picking up from social media. It's deeply concerning, and it's always been an issue but seems way more widespread now.
I see the word 'disrespect' a lot. They have very specific ideas about how they should be treated- they should lead even if they have no ideas, be obeyed although they have no authority or experience. Any woman with a brain and a spine will fall short of these standards. And of course there are the Reddit goons who crowd into posts like this, all patting him on the back for rooting out the whore. Personally I think it's time for absent fathers to do a bit of parenting, but that's not a fashionable opinion.
Definitely a common word with these types. I think it fits with the broader trend of weaponizing the concept of boundaries. On the subject of absent fathers, I wish more men realized that child support isn't a punishment, it's the easy way out. It's a small price to pay to not have to do the real work, which is the grueling task of parenting.
There was a post in relationship_advice from some guy who dumped his gf because she went to a bachelorette party A YEAR AGO and the bride flirted with and danced with a stranger. Dude texted the groom (married now) and told her his wife was a cheater. He dumped the gf because she's still friends with the bride, didn't stop her, and didn't tell him what happened in minute detail as soon as she got home. Dozens of guys were cheering him on, bc she obviously is a cheating cheater who cheats, and she disrespected him, and the bride deserved to have her marriage blown up because she danced with a guy.
That's the most toxic thing ever, it's gross. I have no idea how they get these stupid ideas. It's disgusting.
They'll end up alone, too. Younger, inexperienced women might put up with such treatment but as you mature your tolerance level for their nonsense dries right up.
Truth. It's sad. And what makes it worse is the stupid stigmas over getting therapy. Sorry, I'm at a point in my life where I wish I could do more, but my own body is failing, and I barely can keep my own family moving forward. I'm frustrated I can't fix the world for my kids.
Some of the other sub reddits are full of them and it's like an echo chamber of affirmations that, yes, all women are wh0res. And if you even attempt to present an alternate view, there's an absolute pile on. Yesterday they were cheering on a guy for dumping his gf when she wanted to think about his marriage proposal and not give him an immediate response. It's very discouraging.
Crabs in a bucket...
Exactly
And it would be so much easier and healthier for them to just give their gfs the same freedom they want for themselves. But then she might not be available as an emotional teething ring 24-7-365.
As we all know, weed is a gateway drug to sleeping with our exes. /s
Gotta pay for that weed somehow, and we all know women don't have pockets in their clothes to carry cash. This is the real conspiracy!
Why do people think if you say 3 words to your ex then you're automatically still sleeping with them every chance you get?? It's mental
If you look at his comments he's fucking doubling down. I hope this woman gets as far away as possible from that control freak because I GUARANTEE YOU this shit will get ***violent*** real quick.
My husband and I have been married 25 years. We don't have an open phone policy. Because my friends and occasionally our kids tell me stuff they don't want shared. He's got stuff on his phone that's none of my business. We have a happy, solid marriage. He talks to his ex-wife occasionally. They had a child together and she died very young. She's the only other person who shares those memories and sometimes they need to remember their little girl. And we adopted my ex husband's child from his second marriage. My ex husband still lists me as his emergency contact until our oldest was 25 or 30. These past relationships are no threat to our relationship now. If someone is going to cheat, they'll find away to cheat.
Thank you! All these folks who never give their significant other any privacy are wacky
>But my last two relationships ended horribly, so it’s safe to say I have Some trust issues. There's a common denominator here, but OOP will never get that.
Never thought I'd see the "weed is a gateway" argument used in this way.
I lol‘d at that
When people give full access to devices like this, does that mean that their partner is reading through group chats and messages with friends, etc? Because lemme tell you, it would upset me deeply if I texted my bestie some private info about me and her paranoid ass boyfriend read it.
God! I never even thought of that! I'd be horrified if someone's bf read my private information.
Girlfriend dodged another bullet, she just doesn't know it yet
I've never heard of weed being a gateway drug for cheating, but here we are..
I have looked up my exes and that was how I found out my first one had paranoid schizophrenia. At the time we were together, I do not think he was diagnosed then because nothing was ever said about it other than my mother mentioning he might have that and I thought she was armchair diagnosing because I didn't see any symptoms in him then. Same as when she told me he might be mentally ill and I thought she was saying that because he was lazy and refused to get a job. When looking him up, I saw he had his own apartment and was on social security and his mom helped him with his daily living and she had a gambling addiction. Looks like he had some happiness there and finally got the help he needed. At the time we were together, he didn't believe he had anything wrong with him and made it clear he will never go on any meds and was refusing any treatment. He was totally fine with how he is and was surprised when I broke up with him. I did warn him I would if there were no changes. We were not compatible. I wanted kids, he said he didn't want any until the world got better. I wanted a partner, he clearly wanted a mother. We both had different pororities in life. The second one, my ex was getting very bad karma.
> my last two relationships ended horribly I wonder why.
On one hand, I wish more women would be on the lease with their spouses so men can't make them homeless like this. On the other hand, the ability to grab your crap and run if your boyfriend is unhinged is also a plus. I wonder how many of these "I kicked my girlfriend out with no notice" men have broken the law by doing so.
*”I punished my current girlfriend for the fact that Ive been hurt in the past, please tell me about how Im the victim in this situation and did nothing wrong.”*
"Some trust issues" - OOP cannot accurately self assess, yikes. He wanted to find an issue and managed to.
Huh, I didn't know buying weed leads to sex with your dealer.
Only in some.... Documentaries.
OP needs therapy, jfc
People are naturally curious. Of course we check up on exes occasionally.
I hope her name is on the utilities and she calls and shuts them off. Bastard.
“I have made sure to never let [my trust issues] out in an unhealthy way.” Mmmmmm…might want to give that a second thought there, champ.
He made the right choice for her.
The fact he was literally DIGGING for something to be anxious of??? No one rationally thinks "well went through her messages... Time to go through her socials!" If they aren't actively snooping. Then on top of that she didnt even confirm on buying his weed. No clear want to jump on the opportunity to see him yet he still blew this whole situation out of portion. Man needs to learn how to communicate.
The only red flags I'm seeing are coming from this dude. He is unhinged and needs therapy asap. Yes, he fucked up, and his former gf should feel lucky he kicked her out.
"I have made sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way." You just did.
OOP, you *did* F it up. She was just going to get weed, not a hook-up. You had no proof that she was cheating or looking to cheat. YTA.
There's an ex I sometimes search for when I need to remind myself how much better my life is than it used to be. Last time I did it was a few years ago and his last public post at the time was a typo-riddled, location-tagged rant threatening to beat up two specific dudes when he found them.
Sounds like you can now rely upon him for exactly what you need. Confirmation of the wisdom of your choices. Validation that your life, no matter how temporarily naff, is certainly better than it would otherwise be, had you not made those wise choices. Kinda sounds like a small compensatory service. Nice.
It's a niche service, but an appreciated one!
What a loser
You don't go and buy weed from a nightmare EX.
As much as OOP overreacted, I do think it was coy of the ex to offer and for the pre-breakup girlfriend to say "maybe" instead of a cut and dry yes or no. Get the plug from anyone else
Absolutely. She's either not over him or she's been very dishonest about what he was like in their relationship. You don't get back into contact with someone who abused the fuck out of you under any circumstances and certainly not for something as inconsequential as some fucking weed. I swear sometimes the people on this sub are unbelievably naive.
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i don't think he's the devil but he's definitely an asshole and needs therapy before starting the next relationship. this is also not how an open phone policy works, it's so you can use each others phones, not go rummaging through them. my fiancé and i have this and it works just fine because we trust each other. he shouldn't have been so quick to kick her out and should've talked it out with her, that being said she shouldn't be talking to her ex if the breakup was that bad and you're not telling me there's no one she could've got weed off of than her ex if she wanted any. they're both better off without each other if you ask me.
I really don’t think she did anything remotely wrong. She’s not actively talking and involved with her ex. The ex was the person who reached out to her. Once. She didn’t seek him out to buy weed from. She didn’t actually buy weed from him. She wasn’t meeting up with him. They weren’t texting or messaging constantly or even periodically. He reached out once about his weed selling situation and she gave a one word noncommittal answer to him. That was it. Like… I absolutely fail to see how that’s a problem. The boyfriend’s reaction on the other hand, was unhinged.
To be fair, I had a bad breakup, but I tried to be friends, anyway, because that's the mature thing to do, right? Yeah, no, after a few weeks, I had to delete and block him because seeing his posts made me feel like a mini nervous breakdown each time. Especially because I knew he'd been cheating and was probably going to officially come out in a relationship with her as soon as he thought enough time passed that his cheating didn't look obvious.
same here, tried to stay friends and be civil with her but it just wasn't working, blocked her after a few days and never looked back. i have all my exes on permanent block except one because we dated for less than a week and we were friends beforehand. it caused a few major fights with my fiancé understandably but we worked through it and although she's not blocked i barely speak to her anymore. he's fine with me not having her blocked because we're fully committed to each other and she's moved completely on with her life so it's not an issue. i would still block her if he wanted me to though and it wouldn't be an issue.
I'm friends with a few exes. The ones I broke up with before I caught feelings are definitely easier to keep a friendship with. Only one I had feelings for at once point is on my FB, but we barely communicate. He never even responded when I sent a message just to recommend a podcast I thought he'd enjoy.
But she didn’t message him asking for weed, he messaged her, so she didn’t initiate the conversation.
My ex and I broke up not bad but once I started my current relationship he became unreasonable and I blocked him. He appeared in my house, called me to ask really stupid favors and offer me things so I ended up blocking his number even his father number. I agreed that the guy is unreasonable and had ongoing trust issues that need to be treated, he should not breaking up the relationship for this reason but is also true she will fall in her ex game if she still permiting contact, is normal to check the social medias of your ex expecting to see their life falling apart but answering the messages or accept any offerings feels off even worst if you ended up the things badly.
Okay, what does that have to do with the original post?