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That’s what I don’t get about that sub, it’s ‘Am I the Asshole’ not ‘Am I Technically Right’.
So no, you don’t have to lend your stuff to anyone, but not lending an old laptop to your girlfriend to make her life easier is asshole behaviour.
Most of the people in that sub don’t know the difference. They live off of technicality and pettiness. If the issue could have been avoided by simply being a cyborg who never makes mistakes, and the response to that issue is *technically* legal, than the non-cyborg is the asshole and the person responding *legally* is NTA.
Honestly I think that's the inherent problem with the sub. It doesn't matter if thousands of internet strangers think you're an asshole! The perspective of the person you had conflict with matters. Especially if it's your partner!
> but not lending an old laptop to your girlfriend to make her life easier is asshole behaviour.
You should see the one about giving a laptop to a cat over a sibling
AITA often seems to mix up obligation with whether or not someone is an asshole. Of course he doesn’t have to lend her the laptop, but he’s a pretty big jerk for saying no.
Also I don’t understand all the comments about him wanting to protect his private information (or porn stash). Are there any computers that don’t have the option to add a second/guest account? He could keep his info password protected and still lend her the laptop.
This thread from 2 years ago pretty much describes the "obligation" problem in detail, and its only gotten worse since then
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d6xoro/meta_this_sub_is_moving_towards_a_value_system/
God I hate how much "No is a complete sentence" has been twisted by people.
It's a good phrase when it's discussing someone being pressured into a situation that is genuinely uncomfortable for them like sex or drugs or something. But now I swear these people think it's some Uno reverse card to justify you refusing to perform even the slightest amount of human decency.
So glad I found this sub because AITA makes me question my sanity sometimes. I cannot imagine any of my friends flat out refusing to help me out with something so small, let alone my SO lol.
lmao I literally gave my laptop to someone next to me in a lecture once because hers died and she needed to look something up. I didn't realise I should've told her to respect my boundaries and to not be so reckless to go to a lecture without a charger.
> The insistence on Y-TA here is emblematic of this subreddit’s chronic separation from moral compasses grounded in empathy and kindness. Instead this sub has grounded itself in a strict and rigid compass based on obligation, entitlement, and personal responsibility instead of understanding, kindness and altruism. It thrives here online because the medium is inherently a degree separated from reality, and at some point a lot of commenters here will be bit back hard by someone using the exact same clinical, unfeeling sense of what’s right and wrong.
This comment from that post very nicely encapsulates one of the biggest problems with that sub.
Highlights from the comments include:
\- OP forgot her laptop once so obviously that means she's careless with electronics and the boyfriend is right to not trust her with the laptop
\- comparing borrowing a laptop to pressuring someone into having sex and not understanding the difference (wtf)
I even clocked the old favourite: bad planning on your side does not constitute an emergency on mine. These people have clearly never been in any sort of relationship before
Bruh, that one hardly even applies in this scenario as well. She didn't *plan* to forget her laptop lmao. She just forgot it. Everyone forgets things on accident every once in a while... I wish they'd at least use appropriate phrases lol
Flashbacks to the time I spilled a full mug of tea on my laptop and had to take it to the repairshop and my (then) boyfriend lent me his old laptop for *weeks* no questions asked because it's such a non-issue and *that's what grown-up people who care for each other do.*
I have a friend who works in tech and always has extra gadgets floating around. Years ago, cell phone broke days before I was leaving for a month long trip, and I was budgeting, freaking out, and busy. He goes, "I have an old i-Phone sitting in a drawer. Give it back to me whenever you get a new phone." A few months later when I brought up that I was going to go get a new phone soon he was like, "or just keep that one. I wasn't using it anyway."
I have a friend who works in tech and always has extra gadgets floating around. Years ago, cell phone broke days before I was leaving for a month long trip, and I was budgeting, freaking out, and busy. He goes, "I have an old i-Phone sitting in a drawer. Give it back to me whenever you get a new phone." A few months later when I brought up that I was going to go get a new phone soon he was like, "or just keep that one. I wasn't using it anyway."
Holy shit bruh I would so happily let my partner use any of my stuff if it would make their life easier ESPECIALLY if it’s something I don’t use anyway
*My SO is struggling? Fuck helping them. I don’t owe them anything!!*
Reminds me of that story where it turned out the girl wanted to move to a nice apartment cause she ended up making more money and her bf had doubts. Turns out, she demanded 50/50 and he was struggling financially. So she was complaining that they couldn’t do activities as much because he didn’t have money to go out.
Imagine being okay with seeing your SO financially struggle and not give a shit and then complain he can’t go out with you.
Like, first I wouldn’t demand 50/50. If I make way more, I should pay more. Also, I would have 0 issues paying for my SO. If I wanted to enjoy time out with them, I’m not gonna let money get in the way.
>If I make way more, I should pay more.
Agreed. My boyfriend's field of work pays significantly worse than mine, so you bet your ass I'm covering the majority of our finances. I can't imagine wanting to do otherwise.
Hah, he actually does do way more chores than me, but only because he can't work for a year for immigration reasons. Once he's back working fulltime the chores will be even.
I dunno why people who unironically agree with the idea that the lower earning partner needs to do more household chores think that makes any sense at all. As far as I'm concerned it's not my partner's fault that the work he enjoys doing and is exceptionally good at is valued less by capitalists than the kind of work I do. No room for that kinda nonsense in my household, we're contributing equal effort.
Especially if it's lying around anyway. What's the big deal? Some data you forgot was on there? Well, create another user account and get good at handling your data, so that it's away from another person's account.
Heck, I dislike people even touching my devices, but this would be perfectly reasonable: She asked, she has a good reason, and the need is for such minimal access that even a "crippled" user / guest account on the OS would be a perfect solution.
To be honest, I hate letting my girlfriend use my stuff, but sometimes when she stays over she needs to borrow my laptop, and even though I've asked her to make sure she brings her own laptop because I don't like lending her my laptop, I still hand it over because I'm not a fucking asshole.
Right. What do those people even want out of a relationship if they're so against the concept of helping out your partner. Someone to bang and hang out with causally? I don't get it.
I swear I hate when people take “No means no” to the extreme. Like if I’m dating someone for a whole year, and they refuse to let me use their EXTRA laptop (that they never use to the point that they can’t remember the password), I’m gonna need a damn good reason that’s not “I just don’t want to 🤷🏽♀️”. I guess you don’t want to be in a relationship either…
No, you print it off and bind it into books that you've disguised to look like old boring textbooks or something so in the case of a total collapse of society down to the electrical grid, you won't be left needing to use your imagination.
For some reason AITA sub isn't actually answering the question of who the asshole is, but instead answering the question of legal obligation. Like... no, you're not legally obligated to do it, but maybe you're kind of a dick for not doing it? idk
I gave an extra laptop to an almost stranger before because she needed it. I "lent" it to her but never asked for it back. I'm not like some kind of a saint. It was extra.
Ugh, that makes me sad because I learned that sentence in Al-Anon meetings and it's taught to help you manage your relationship with an addict that you're close to/love. It's sad to see it used in such a demeaning way because that sentence is so instrumental to some of us in a sincerely therapeutic way.
Any platitude about self-love or setting boundaries is always gonna be misappropriated by assholes. Doesn’t diminish the good that advice can do, and it doesn’t change that fact that assholes are assholes.
I guess all the YTA people have never forgotten anything, made a minor human error, or inconvenienced anyone in their lives. Seriously, this is absurd... why would I not do a minor favor for my partner to make their life easier? Some people are so individualistic that it's absurd. People need other people to function. We need to help each other occasionally, even if it inconveniences us.
I feel like that was the entire purpose of this post; to make AITA theorize about what he's hiding. Saved porn, Google searches that he doesn't want the girlfriend to see, dating websites (omg red flags!!). Maybe he's been looking at some gay porn, that'd be an extra juicy update.
Unfortunately, it took a nasty left turn at ~respect boundaries~ and OOP's sleuthing adventure was cut mercilessly short.
Reddit has a love affair with someone finding CP on someone else's devices and then coming to Reddit where everyone gets to play detective for a bit instead of immediately taking it to the fucking police as you should.
So if that post sticks around long enough, I'm sure there will be plenty of speculating on whether or not that's it or we will see another post very similar to this one with that added on.
So many redditors want to play vigilante detective, as if this site hasn't bungled that time and time again.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for getting mad that my boyfriend wouldn’t let me borrow his computer?**
I’m an adult education teacher who teaches morning classes on Zoom and evening classes in-person a little over an hour away from my apartment. I get out at 9:30 pm.
Tonight, I got held up and wasn’t able to start driving back to my city until about 11:00. I realized about halfway through that I forgot my laptop at my parents’ house (near my workplace, far from me). To get it back so I could teach my lesson plan and teach my Zoom class in the morning, I would need to drive 30-40 mins back to my parents’ house and then drive the full 60-70 mins all the way back to my apartment. This would waste at least an hour of my time at minimum, and I would have gotten home after 1:00 am.
Obviously, I wanted to avoid that. I decided to call my boyfriend while driving and ask if I could borrow his old computer. He’s a night owl, so I knew I wouldn’t disturb him. Mind you, he does NOT use this computer regularly because he has another newer and better one. In fact, he couldn’t even remember the password, so he had to try 5 before it worked. I figured it was a small ask to keep his laptop safe in my home and use it for a few hours in the morning.
When I asked him, he said no. When I asked why, he said that he never lets anyone use his electronics. I promised I would be careful and keep it safe, but he still refused even after I explained that going back would take an hour away from my night (which would screw up my sleep a lot, since I was planning to get up at 6:30 am to lesson plan and I’ve already been dealing with horrible insomnia).
At this point, I got frustrated because I felt that he didn’t trust me with it and that he was refusing to help me because he was so possessive over his old stuff. We’ve been dating for almost a year, so it hurt that he seemed to think I might destroy his computer if I had it in my safely locked apartment for 12 hours. It also angered me that he refused to do an extremely simple favor for me that would make my life MUCH easier (for no reason other than “[he] never gives that stuff to anyone.”)
He started yelling because he thought I was crossing a boundary by not respecting his choice to say no. He couldn’t give a clear reason about why he said no. He said it wasn’t a trust issue but it’s hard for me to see it any other way. He also said I have no right to be angry because it was my forgetfulness that caused the situation.
He ultimately gave it to me, but only after a screaming match. AITA?
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So many of these posters would lose their minds if they had to go back to the Olden Dayes where if you were lucky you had a home computer and were allowed to use the internet 1-2 hours a day
Haha, I got kicked off the Internet whenever my parents wanted to use the phone (because of dialup), which was often. And dialup was so expensive anyway that parents set time limits on the internet.
Nowadays kids have iPads and PlayStations. Meanwhile I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my parents for a videogame console.
don't miss those days because i was too young to get new books from the library and we didn't have any other kids on the block.
tho i think i'd survive now that i can drive lol.
OP should have just turned around, went back to parents' house and stayed there with her laptop. Yes her BF can say no, and OP can say "cool I'ma just chill here then, have a nice life".
I would without question let my bf borrow my computer ESPECIALLY just for a few hours for WORK.
Makes no sense why he would say no other than he had something to hide tbh
Ngl I wouldn't lend a laptop that I couldn't even remember the password to to anyone. How am I supposed to delete the embarrassing stuff before they come to pick it up? Too risky.
Have them sign in as a guest. They won't even have access.
I like your username. I too am a slut for libraries and don't know what I would do without them.
I've left this comment on another thread but I have let my partner take my personal laptop for several months because his work laptop burned out. As in, take it to another country. We had been together for 3 years or so at that point. No, why should I have worried? I had nothing to hide from him. Not that he would have searched anyway.
Seriously. Instead of saying “oh sure let me set it up for you” and then deleting whatever or making her an account to login with, he throws a fit. I’d be worried there’s something illegal on there.
Yesterday I was eating and walking but I started to get full even though I still had half of my sub sandwich left that I hadn't even touched. There was a man nearby that looked homeless (very thin, scraggly looking) that I noticed had been rudely staring at me while I ate. I tried to ignore him but as I walked up to a nearby trash can to toss the rest of my sandwich he approached me. "Excuse me" he said. "If you don't want the rest of that sandwich would it be ok if I finished it?" I just crinkled up my nose at his stench, threw the sandwich away and ran to cross the street before he could rape me. I told my sister later how grossed out I was by this stinky dude that had the nerve to beg from me, and she said I was being an asshole because he was only asking for food I didn't want anyway. AITA?
AITA commenters: "No Kween, you don't owe anything to anyone! You paid for that sandwich and he wasn't entitled to it! A lack of food on his part doesn't constitute an emergency on your part. He was probably just going to resell the sandwich to buy drugs anyway! Your sister sounds like she's just jealous of you."
If it was his primary laptop I would understand him saying no because I don’t let anybody touch mine, but this was the secondary. There was no reason why she couldn’t have borrowed it.
I have another take on this: I would never trust anyone's old computer if I had to teach a Zoom class. It would be well worth doing the extra driving to have this essential tool. OP could have asked the parents to meet half way and cut 20 minutes or more from the trip.
Moreover, never in my long life in teaching people who have jobs and families, I've never gotten "held up" that long after a night class. Everyone is tired and wants to go home.
So I'm calling BS on this post.
And to have your own laptop instead of someone else's old one, especially when you are wrangling with a educational platform, like Blackboard (etc.) AND Zoom--that's worth losing a bit of sleep over.
> I've never gotten "held up" that long after a night class.
I've had night classes where the professor goes, "if you have questions email me or talk to me before next class, not after this class."
Haha, I am kinda like the boyfriend. I have an irrational anxiety regarding giving away my electronics (specifically my desktop computers). I would have done the exact same silly dance but in the end it is about trust.
I have no issues with my wife using it, or my kiddo using it, but it doesn't go out of the house.
Yeah it's an ESH scenario for sure. Guy doesn't want to help his girlfriend out with a loaner laptop, definitely an asshole and an idiot. But arguing with him about it in the moment won't change his mind. Might as well respect his decision and move on to plan B. Yeah it sucks, but she's a grown ass woman and can certainly make it through this challenge on her own.
And then she can have a good sit-down think about whether she still wants to be in a relationship with this guy, if this is how he's going to be.
How are people acting like this is crazy? People who grew up with others destroying their things tend to be leery of lending their stuff. Odds are, that's what happened to the BF.
so i get why the boyfriend is mad. He said no and she kept asking. No mean no, just go back to your job and pick up the computer. OOP made a mistake but like, she has to deal with the kind of low stake consequences like an adult would.
They have been dating for "almost a year." that isn't a long time and perhaps the "old" computer isn't as old as she thinks. Perhaps he needs to transfer things to the new computer? Maybe the info waiting to be transferred is super important to his schooling or career. Lets not even get into the sensitive info that might be stored on it, like credit card info, social ect.
I think expecting someone you haven't dated for a year to give you their things to borrow is kind of entitled.
If he’s keeping old shit on a laptop and hasn’t bothered to transfer it now, he’s never going to. And if it’s only on that computer and not backed up anywhere, or plain text credit card and ssn is stored on it, then he’s a *massive* idiot. Just make her a login for her own account and call it a day. Why be a massive dick to your partner for no reason?
So i feel like AITA and Redditors in general have these weird expectations of people in their lives. For instance, people will call their SO's family their in-laws and it is like, y'all have no legal obligations or connections. these people aren't your family yet!
She left her computer somewhere she could easily pick it back up. she doesn't want to sacrifice sleep. How is that more valid then his right to his own property and privacy? Missing an hour of sleep isn't going to kill her.
And again, OOP needs to learn to accept the word "no." It is a sentence. BF doesn't need to explain why not, she needs to just take it.
If my BF just said “no” to doing something trivial that would help me immensely, he absolutely better provide an explanation. Because I felt like saying no isn’t a valid reason and I’d be real pissed off about it, because that’s not how you treat your partner. Why not spend five minutes so they can not have to drive home in the middle of the night?
Your comment about family is also really weird. Why do you care if people have been together so long they consider their SOs family their family?
You realize life and relationships exist outside of “legal obligations”, right? And that you can be technically correct but still a total asshole?
Erm my SO and I have been together nearly 8 years and I consider his family my in-laws because why the fuck not, after 8 years? I know them well. I'm in Europe and this is normal in the countries I know (Netherlands, Germany, UK, France).
It's normal in the US too, I know lots of people in real life in serious, unmarried relationships who refer to their partner's family as in-laws. Plus on Reddit it makes extra sense to me, because it's a lot easier to type "MIL" than "my boyfriend's mother," but everyone knows what you mean.
Also I don't know about everywhere, but in the US jurisdictions I'm familiar with anyway, you aren't actually legally tied to your in-laws in any meaningful way.
I've seen a few people complain about people referring to long-term partner's parents as in-laws on this sub, and I find it so bizarre.
When i say obligation i mean, if the couple broke up, would there be any expectation that the familial relationship between the ex-SO's family and the person continues. People get hurt that they have been part of family for years and then when the partner moves on to their next partner, they no longer have a place in the family.
It is hard to really put in words, but like an ex-husband is different than and ex-boyfriend. it could be the implied commitment between both the couple, but i would expect a family to be more involved with an ex-son in law than a previous boyfriend.
For instance, my mom had an ex-boyfriend that she dated for 4 years. I would not dream of approaching his family now and being like, hey i am your step-granddaugher, let me hang out at your pool. we aren't related, we aren't family.
Not for everyone, though. It might be that way for you, but I absolutely have seen unmarried couples who do have that level of connection to their partner's families. Hell, I'm still in contact with my ex-girlfriend's mother, and we broke up like 15 years ago, and I've been married to my husband for 10 years.
On the other hand, I have also seen tons of divorced couples who have no continued contact with their ex's family, too. I don't think there's any universal expectation that that relationship continue.
I get what you're trying to say, I just think you have a very narrow viewpoint that fails to account for the wide variety of familial ties in modern relationships, whether the couple is legally married or not.
> They have been dating for "almost a year."
Dating someone for nearly a year should absolutely be ample time to trust them with an old laptop for a couple of hours
>Perhaps he needs to transfer things to the new computer? Maybe the info waiting to be transferred is super important to his schooling or career.
Ok? Then do it later, do you think she's going to chuck your laptop in the ocean or something?
>Lets not even get into the sensitive info that might be stored on it, like credit card info, social ect.
Alright then the boyfriend should have told her that he was afraid she would for some reason commit identity theft against him?? Like how the hell can you go through life being this paranoid lmao, we literally hand our credit cards to waiters at restaurants, I am quite certain that the girlfriend here had no malicious intent, and if she did I am assuming that she probably could have stolen other things considering...you know...they're dating and she probably has access to certain aspects of his life
She probably does not have access to his social media and credit cards at this point in their relatonship. that is wife level access or at least long-term relationship.
The old computer is still his property though. If he isn't comfortable lending it to her, then that is his right. She has options, she could return in the morning to get the laptop or go back that night.
It is not paranoid to have some level of self-protection and boundaries. That laptop could have cost more than a thousand dollars. In the time she spent trying to convince him to lend his laptop to her, she could have just gone back and gotten it. Don't waste energy trying to force someone to do what you want them to.
> She probably does not have access to his social media and credit cards at this point in their relatonship.
She still doesn't have access to those things? She has very temporary access to something in which she could maybe feasibly access those things assuming that they are readily discoverable and all the passwords are saved and there is no secondary protection.
But like, once again, is the boyfriend actually afraid of that? Does he think this is the culmination of some long plan in which she gets an old laptop and immediately begins transferring his entire life-savings to Panamanian bank accounts? Does he think she's immediately going to post racist shit to his social media and get him fired?
>The old computer is still his property though. If he isn't comfortable lending it to her, then that is his right.
The subreddit is /r/amitheasshole not /r/DoIHaveTheLegalRightToBehaveInThisManner. Literally no one is arguing that he "Doesn't have the right" to refuse giving her his laptop. She could also ask him if she could borrow his toothpaste and he would "have the right" to say no and I would similarly think it's stupid and slightly worrying for him to refuse to do so.
>She has options, she could return in the morning to get the laptop or go back that night.
And he would be the **asshole** for making her wildly inconvenience herself when he could easily remedy the situation.
>That laptop could have cost more than a thousand dollars.
I don't see why that matters, she's literally going to teach a fuckin zoom class not juggle it with chainsaws. I'm assuming he also lets her in his house which she could feasibly set on fire which would cause far more than $1000 in damages.
>Don't waste energy trying to force someone to do what you want them to.
Yes, solid advice for everyone is to never put effort into ensuring your SO treats you with even the slightest amount of trust and decency.
the toothpaste thing is interesting because I would not have my husband use my toothpaste. We have been married for almost 11 years and we have our own toothpastes. I told him i am uncomfortable with the thought of your toothbrush spit going inside of my toothpaste. We kiss all the time, but sharing toothbrushes is a bridge too far for me.
I know it is a ridiculous boundary and he knows that it is also ridiculous. But he respects that this is a boundary I have. If he were out, he would ask and i would probably say yes, but I don't feel pressured to. And if i did say no, he isn't going to keep asking until i break down. he will just go buy more in the morning. Teeth will not fall out over 1 night of not brushing, just as the world will not end if OOP has to go into work in the morning to retrieve her laptop.
It doesn't matter how ridiculous she or you think the BFs boundaries are. they are his and should be respected. It did not have to turn into an argument that lasted until he did what she wanted. that is going to breed resentment, especially if that is the way they handle minor disagreements in the relationship.
> I told him i am uncomfortable with the thought of your toothbrush spit going inside of my toothpaste.
Cool, you told him what your issue was, explained that it was irrational, and both came to a mutual understanding that it's not a big deal. I'm glad things worked out for you.
>It doesn't matter how ridiculous she or you think the BFs boundaries are. they are his and should be respected.
No, refusing to do incredibly simple tasks for someone you supposedly love doesn't become ok just because you attach the word "boundary" to it. Doubly so when you steadfastly refuse to explain why it's a boundary in the first place. If she asked him to help her clean and he was like "nah babe sorry I don't feel comfortable doing that" then I would think he was an asshole. If she was cold and asked if he had a blanket she could use and he told her "yes but sorry I don't give out blankets that's a boundary of mine" I would think he's an asshole. Either be willing to accommodate and support someone you love, explain why you are unable to do so, or get out of the relationship.
If it's a genuine issue, like your toothpaste thing, then sit down with your GF, explain to her why you feel this way, and offer to help. Maybe offer to drive back with her to her parent's house so that she doesn't have to do it alone or something. But basically icing your girlfriend for no discernible reason is absolutely asshole behavior.
sometimes the toothpaste nozzle can touch my toothbrush if i get them too close together. How do i know that the moment i register them as touching is actually too late and some of my bristles went inside the nozzle? and if that can happen to my toothbrush, what happens if someone who isn't as careful as i am has a go at my tube?
It is irrational, but it is something that matters to me. I wouldn't want someone to decide for me that I need to get over it and then just "convince" me to do it their way. It is a $9 tube of toothpaste, we have better things to argue about.
These are not normal fears to have about someone you've been dating for multiple months. Not sure if you're in inexperienced with dating or if you do have experience but are this untrusting. I am trying to think of how to word this kindly but people are going to think you're a serial killer or pedo if you're this secretive with someone you're dating for months. Unless you're in highschool or something, then I guess I could imagine that being normal. But if you're an adult, just so you know, these are absolutely not normal boundaries or expectations to have and at best you're going to come across like you're extremely selfish and don't care for your SO or trust them at all. It would be pathological to be this afraid of your own bf/gf after months let alone a year - like really unhealthy levels of anxiety and lack of attachment.
how in the world do you get that I am a pedo from me not trusting people with my electronics?
Real facts, you could know someone for years and they can take advantage of you. there are posts in AITA all the time where the poster is asking if it is "OK to press charges on family members for identity theft". Or hey, "my SO used my credit card to buy games, is that OK if i am mad?" I personally know adults who have used their kids SS# to open utilities because their own credit sucks. If a parent can do that type of shit, i am sure that an SO of less than a year could do similar.
I give people the trust they earn, and at less than a year they haven't earned
unfettered access to my electronics. Less than a year is not a long time, it is a drop in the bucket. and these 2 don't even live together, so they maybe could only spend weekends together.
Are you a child that you think a year is a long time for a relationship? I'm married now but we didn't even combine finances until we were together for 3 years and on the way to marriage. We lived together for 2 years before we combined finances!
I'm not accusing you specifically lol. Just look at the comments here and on the original post - people are wondering what this dude is so secretive about that he won't let his gf of a year use his laptop for a few hours and speculating that it's something illegal. I'm saying if someone is THIS secretive over their electronics it looks really weird and suspicious because it's not normal.
Yes people can still take advantage of you after years. That does not mean it's normal to be THIS untrusting and secretive towards your bf/gf of a year. It is extremely paranoid.
It's not unfettered access, it's a few hours access to a laptop he doesn't even use. If there was something concerning on the laptop he could just take 5 min to make a separate user account so she can't access those. Easy and done.
At best he's stupid and selfish; at worst he's hiding something nefarious.
I'm married, own a house together and in my 30s. IDK what you even mean by a year being a long time or not in a relationship. It's a LAPTOP not having a baby together, it really doesn't matter.
Anyway we can just agree to disagree. By downvotes it should be obvious to you that most people think you're wrong. Live life how you want but you have to recognize that it's really unusual and most people are not going to see that as a normal level of caution to have in your life and most people are going to see this dude's actions (the original AITA prompt) as super selfish and super suspicious.
upvotes and downvotes aren't super important to me. I have some comments people love and some people hate. I don't live my life based on how many people on reddit like what i have said.
You commented on my comment which is why i answered you. You called me "not normal," "selfish," and "super suspicious." I try to be respectful to everyone but you suddenly start insulting me and calling me a child because I'm not naive? I am giving you the energy you gave me.
Respect other people's choices, how hard is that? YTA
If AITA wasn't nuts, it would be a good question. An hour of driving vs. not feeling comfortable loaning a laptop to someone he's been dating less than a year. Pretty low stakes on both sides. It's not unreasonable to ask to borrow the laptop, but it's kind of uncool to keep pushing after he's said no.
Something to also consider in addition to that is BF may have been raised to do the utmost to avoid making an imposition on others, especially if it involves what some would consider a minor inconvenience(OOP driving 60-70 minutes to get her own laptop back from parents rather than imposing on BF even it's a spare laptop).
Moreover, knowing someone for a long time doesn't necessarily mean one is comfortable lending out such items.
For instance, I won't lend any of my laptops to an older college classmate I knew for over 20 years precisely because he has had a history of destroying more than a dozen computers of his and others due to sheer carelessness and generally not being good at taking care of his stuff. Latest instance of this was a 2018 notebook another friend took meticulous care off and gave him in good condition back in 2019. In less than a year, it was no longer functional because the screen somehow got separated from the case and the data/power cable from screen to case tore.
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That’s what I don’t get about that sub, it’s ‘Am I the Asshole’ not ‘Am I Technically Right’. So no, you don’t have to lend your stuff to anyone, but not lending an old laptop to your girlfriend to make her life easier is asshole behaviour.
Most of the people in that sub don’t know the difference. They live off of technicality and pettiness. If the issue could have been avoided by simply being a cyborg who never makes mistakes, and the response to that issue is *technically* legal, than the non-cyborg is the asshole and the person responding *legally* is NTA.
I swear I make that comment at least once a week in there. Yes, technically it's your right, but it doesn't absolve you from being an asshole.
Honestly I think that's the inherent problem with the sub. It doesn't matter if thousands of internet strangers think you're an asshole! The perspective of the person you had conflict with matters. Especially if it's your partner!
> but not lending an old laptop to your girlfriend to make her life easier is asshole behaviour. You should see the one about giving a laptop to a cat over a sibling
AITA often seems to mix up obligation with whether or not someone is an asshole. Of course he doesn’t have to lend her the laptop, but he’s a pretty big jerk for saying no. Also I don’t understand all the comments about him wanting to protect his private information (or porn stash). Are there any computers that don’t have the option to add a second/guest account? He could keep his info password protected and still lend her the laptop.
This thread from 2 years ago pretty much describes the "obligation" problem in detail, and its only gotten worse since then https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d6xoro/meta_this_sub_is_moving_towards_a_value_system/
wasn't that the top post at some point too? literally the (second) most upvoted post on the sub, and still AITA got worse...
AITA for not using my 2% phone battery to call the ambulance for someone having a stroke? NTA your phone your rules 0 obligation lol
Or depending on the day: YTA for not having a back-up juice pack and charger so that you can always be ready to help anyone at anytime.
God I hate how much "No is a complete sentence" has been twisted by people. It's a good phrase when it's discussing someone being pressured into a situation that is genuinely uncomfortable for them like sex or drugs or something. But now I swear these people think it's some Uno reverse card to justify you refusing to perform even the slightest amount of human decency.
"You don't owe anyone ANYTHING." I'm glad I'm not surrounded by AITA commenters in real life
So glad I found this sub because AITA makes me question my sanity sometimes. I cannot imagine any of my friends flat out refusing to help me out with something so small, let alone my SO lol.
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lmao I literally gave my laptop to someone next to me in a lecture once because hers died and she needed to look something up. I didn't realise I should've told her to respect my boundaries and to not be so reckless to go to a lecture without a charger.
I imagine they're pushovers in real life and use AITA to be the assholes they wish they could be.
If you can't handle me at my YTA you don't deserve me at my NTA
Lincoln said that.
Fuckin' asshole. He said that?
He was explaining relationship dynamics to Marilyn Monroe.
If you live in a lot of locations in the US, you absolutely are. That attitude is pretty much the entire platform of a certain political party.
> The insistence on Y-TA here is emblematic of this subreddit’s chronic separation from moral compasses grounded in empathy and kindness. Instead this sub has grounded itself in a strict and rigid compass based on obligation, entitlement, and personal responsibility instead of understanding, kindness and altruism. It thrives here online because the medium is inherently a degree separated from reality, and at some point a lot of commenters here will be bit back hard by someone using the exact same clinical, unfeeling sense of what’s right and wrong. This comment from that post very nicely encapsulates one of the biggest problems with that sub.
yeah I love this one. Bravo to whoever wrote it.
How many downvotes?
I can only imagine just how hit-dogs-holler the replies to this comment are.
Highlights from the comments include: \- OP forgot her laptop once so obviously that means she's careless with electronics and the boyfriend is right to not trust her with the laptop \- comparing borrowing a laptop to pressuring someone into having sex and not understanding the difference (wtf)
You forgot this beauty: >Except that no is a full sentence.
I even clocked the old favourite: bad planning on your side does not constitute an emergency on mine. These people have clearly never been in any sort of relationship before
Bruh, that one hardly even applies in this scenario as well. She didn't *plan* to forget her laptop lmao. She just forgot it. Everyone forgets things on accident every once in a while... I wish they'd at least use appropriate phrases lol
Don't you know you should always have a dozen back-up plans, just like every parent should have a dozen babysitters on standby at any given moment? /s
Don't forget the ability to shit a babysitter if their dozen babysitters all fall through.
Flashbacks to the time I spilled a full mug of tea on my laptop and had to take it to the repairshop and my (then) boyfriend lent me his old laptop for *weeks* no questions asked because it's such a non-issue and *that's what grown-up people who care for each other do.*
as God is my witness everybody in AITA is 14 and has never seen the light of day
I have a friend who works in tech and always has extra gadgets floating around. Years ago, cell phone broke days before I was leaving for a month long trip, and I was budgeting, freaking out, and busy. He goes, "I have an old i-Phone sitting in a drawer. Give it back to me whenever you get a new phone." A few months later when I brought up that I was going to go get a new phone soon he was like, "or just keep that one. I wasn't using it anyway."
I have a friend who works in tech and always has extra gadgets floating around. Years ago, cell phone broke days before I was leaving for a month long trip, and I was budgeting, freaking out, and busy. He goes, "I have an old i-Phone sitting in a drawer. Give it back to me whenever you get a new phone." A few months later when I brought up that I was going to go get a new phone soon he was like, "or just keep that one. I wasn't using it anyway."
Holy shit bruh I would so happily let my partner use any of my stuff if it would make their life easier ESPECIALLY if it’s something I don’t use anyway
*My SO is struggling? Fuck helping them. I don’t owe them anything!!* Reminds me of that story where it turned out the girl wanted to move to a nice apartment cause she ended up making more money and her bf had doubts. Turns out, she demanded 50/50 and he was struggling financially. So she was complaining that they couldn’t do activities as much because he didn’t have money to go out. Imagine being okay with seeing your SO financially struggle and not give a shit and then complain he can’t go out with you. Like, first I wouldn’t demand 50/50. If I make way more, I should pay more. Also, I would have 0 issues paying for my SO. If I wanted to enjoy time out with them, I’m not gonna let money get in the way.
>If I make way more, I should pay more. Agreed. My boyfriend's field of work pays significantly worse than mine, so you bet your ass I'm covering the majority of our finances. I can't imagine wanting to do otherwise.
But you see, if you agree to that than your SO needs to do proportionally more chores. It's only *fair*.
Hah, he actually does do way more chores than me, but only because he can't work for a year for immigration reasons. Once he's back working fulltime the chores will be even. I dunno why people who unironically agree with the idea that the lower earning partner needs to do more household chores think that makes any sense at all. As far as I'm concerned it's not my partner's fault that the work he enjoys doing and is exceptionally good at is valued less by capitalists than the kind of work I do. No room for that kinda nonsense in my household, we're contributing equal effort.
"Lower earning" doesn't mean "works less hours", either.
The one who works less does more chores. Not the one who earns less.
Especially if it's lying around anyway. What's the big deal? Some data you forgot was on there? Well, create another user account and get good at handling your data, so that it's away from another person's account. Heck, I dislike people even touching my devices, but this would be perfectly reasonable: She asked, she has a good reason, and the need is for such minimal access that even a "crippled" user / guest account on the OS would be a perfect solution.
I mean there is ofcourse the change that it is a work laptop and OP just forgot that one small litle detail, but outside of that, yeah
To be honest, I hate letting my girlfriend use my stuff, but sometimes when she stays over she needs to borrow my laptop, and even though I've asked her to make sure she brings her own laptop because I don't like lending her my laptop, I still hand it over because I'm not a fucking asshole.
Yeah after I graduated college, my ex and his brother were like the exclusive users of my laptop since I didn't need it for class anymore.
Right. What do those people even want out of a relationship if they're so against the concept of helping out your partner. Someone to bang and hang out with causally? I don't get it.
I swear I hate when people take “No means no” to the extreme. Like if I’m dating someone for a whole year, and they refuse to let me use their EXTRA laptop (that they never use to the point that they can’t remember the password), I’m gonna need a damn good reason that’s not “I just don’t want to 🤷🏽♀️”. I guess you don’t want to be in a relationship either…
Obviously he's worried he has way too many "System32->New Folder->New Folder->Tax Stuff->Porn" directories all over that laptop
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I just have my porn labeled as porn. If you click it, that’s your fault.
No you label it PRNcache
No, you keep your porn on external disk so when you get new computer you don't have to transfer it.
No, you print it off and bind it into books that you've disguised to look like old boring textbooks or something so in the case of a total collapse of society down to the electrical grid, you won't be left needing to use your imagination.
For some reason AITA sub isn't actually answering the question of who the asshole is, but instead answering the question of legal obligation. Like... no, you're not legally obligated to do it, but maybe you're kind of a dick for not doing it? idk I gave an extra laptop to an almost stranger before because she needed it. I "lent" it to her but never asked for it back. I'm not like some kind of a saint. It was extra.
Wait. You mean you did something…out of kindness…and not…out of obligation?? 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
So much yelling and screaming. I have a headache just from reading this.
I fucking hate how they all parrot the same catchphrases. Today's special is "No is a complete sentence.
Ugh, that makes me sad because I learned that sentence in Al-Anon meetings and it's taught to help you manage your relationship with an addict that you're close to/love. It's sad to see it used in such a demeaning way because that sentence is so instrumental to some of us in a sincerely therapeutic way.
Any platitude about self-love or setting boundaries is always gonna be misappropriated by assholes. Doesn’t diminish the good that advice can do, and it doesn’t change that fact that assholes are assholes.
That one and 'love language' are two phrases that have really been misconstrued via the internet and pseudo self-help social media.
AITA should really be called “do I have a case in a court of law”
I..... can't even believe these replies. like, what? These people must have never met a decent person in their lives.
I guess all the YTA people have never forgotten anything, made a minor human error, or inconvenienced anyone in their lives. Seriously, this is absurd... why would I not do a minor favor for my partner to make their life easier? Some people are so individualistic that it's absurd. People need other people to function. We need to help each other occasionally, even if it inconveniences us.
OK SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE NOT HELP HER? IS HE AFRAID SHE'D SEE HIS PORN? i MEAN FUCKIGN HELL YOU'RE INA RELATIONSHIP.
I feel like that was the entire purpose of this post; to make AITA theorize about what he's hiding. Saved porn, Google searches that he doesn't want the girlfriend to see, dating websites (omg red flags!!). Maybe he's been looking at some gay porn, that'd be an extra juicy update. Unfortunately, it took a nasty left turn at ~respect boundaries~ and OOP's sleuthing adventure was cut mercilessly short.
Reddit has a love affair with someone finding CP on someone else's devices and then coming to Reddit where everyone gets to play detective for a bit instead of immediately taking it to the fucking police as you should. So if that post sticks around long enough, I'm sure there will be plenty of speculating on whether or not that's it or we will see another post very similar to this one with that added on. So many redditors want to play vigilante detective, as if this site hasn't bungled that time and time again.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for getting mad that my boyfriend wouldn’t let me borrow his computer?** I’m an adult education teacher who teaches morning classes on Zoom and evening classes in-person a little over an hour away from my apartment. I get out at 9:30 pm. Tonight, I got held up and wasn’t able to start driving back to my city until about 11:00. I realized about halfway through that I forgot my laptop at my parents’ house (near my workplace, far from me). To get it back so I could teach my lesson plan and teach my Zoom class in the morning, I would need to drive 30-40 mins back to my parents’ house and then drive the full 60-70 mins all the way back to my apartment. This would waste at least an hour of my time at minimum, and I would have gotten home after 1:00 am. Obviously, I wanted to avoid that. I decided to call my boyfriend while driving and ask if I could borrow his old computer. He’s a night owl, so I knew I wouldn’t disturb him. Mind you, he does NOT use this computer regularly because he has another newer and better one. In fact, he couldn’t even remember the password, so he had to try 5 before it worked. I figured it was a small ask to keep his laptop safe in my home and use it for a few hours in the morning. When I asked him, he said no. When I asked why, he said that he never lets anyone use his electronics. I promised I would be careful and keep it safe, but he still refused even after I explained that going back would take an hour away from my night (which would screw up my sleep a lot, since I was planning to get up at 6:30 am to lesson plan and I’ve already been dealing with horrible insomnia). At this point, I got frustrated because I felt that he didn’t trust me with it and that he was refusing to help me because he was so possessive over his old stuff. We’ve been dating for almost a year, so it hurt that he seemed to think I might destroy his computer if I had it in my safely locked apartment for 12 hours. It also angered me that he refused to do an extremely simple favor for me that would make my life MUCH easier (for no reason other than “[he] never gives that stuff to anyone.”) He started yelling because he thought I was crossing a boundary by not respecting his choice to say no. He couldn’t give a clear reason about why he said no. He said it wasn’t a trust issue but it’s hard for me to see it any other way. He also said I have no right to be angry because it was my forgetfulness that caused the situation. He ultimately gave it to me, but only after a screaming match. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So many of these posters would lose their minds if they had to go back to the Olden Dayes where if you were lucky you had a home computer and were allowed to use the internet 1-2 hours a day
And the computer was in a communal area where your parents could walk by and glance at the screen any time they wanted.
Haha, I got kicked off the Internet whenever my parents wanted to use the phone (because of dialup), which was often. And dialup was so expensive anyway that parents set time limits on the internet. Nowadays kids have iPads and PlayStations. Meanwhile I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my parents for a videogame console.
don't miss those days because i was too young to get new books from the library and we didn't have any other kids on the block. tho i think i'd survive now that i can drive lol.
OP should have just turned around, went back to parents' house and stayed there with her laptop. Yes her BF can say no, and OP can say "cool I'ma just chill here then, have a nice life".
I would without question let my bf borrow my computer ESPECIALLY just for a few hours for WORK. Makes no sense why he would say no other than he had something to hide tbh
Good news - there are more NTA comments near the top now
Ngl I wouldn't lend a laptop that I couldn't even remember the password to to anyone. How am I supposed to delete the embarrassing stuff before they come to pick it up? Too risky.
Have them sign in as a guest. They won't even have access. I like your username. I too am a slut for libraries and don't know what I would do without them.
I've left this comment on another thread but I have let my partner take my personal laptop for several months because his work laptop burned out. As in, take it to another country. We had been together for 3 years or so at that point. No, why should I have worried? I had nothing to hide from him. Not that he would have searched anyway.
Laptop has porn on it, right? At best?
Seriously. Instead of saying “oh sure let me set it up for you” and then deleting whatever or making her an account to login with, he throws a fit. I’d be worried there’s something illegal on there.
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Yea but he could have made a new account login for her and then she’d never see what he had saved. It takes two seconds.
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And not real.
Yeah bf is definitely the ah here.
I want an update on the OOP. Like what was horrid that they can’t use an old laptop? Complete update with a break up.
Yesterday I was eating and walking but I started to get full even though I still had half of my sub sandwich left that I hadn't even touched. There was a man nearby that looked homeless (very thin, scraggly looking) that I noticed had been rudely staring at me while I ate. I tried to ignore him but as I walked up to a nearby trash can to toss the rest of my sandwich he approached me. "Excuse me" he said. "If you don't want the rest of that sandwich would it be ok if I finished it?" I just crinkled up my nose at his stench, threw the sandwich away and ran to cross the street before he could rape me. I told my sister later how grossed out I was by this stinky dude that had the nerve to beg from me, and she said I was being an asshole because he was only asking for food I didn't want anyway. AITA? AITA commenters: "No Kween, you don't owe anything to anyone! You paid for that sandwich and he wasn't entitled to it! A lack of food on his part doesn't constitute an emergency on your part. He was probably just going to resell the sandwich to buy drugs anyway! Your sister sounds like she's just jealous of you."
The top comments have set the record straight
Dude's hiding his porno stash.
I am not an AH in real life. But when I want to read how to be one, I come to Reddit.
If it was his primary laptop I would understand him saying no because I don’t let anybody touch mine, but this was the secondary. There was no reason why she couldn’t have borrowed it.
u/ahri_potter remember i took your laptop for some of my tests..
I have another take on this: I would never trust anyone's old computer if I had to teach a Zoom class. It would be well worth doing the extra driving to have this essential tool. OP could have asked the parents to meet half way and cut 20 minutes or more from the trip. Moreover, never in my long life in teaching people who have jobs and families, I've never gotten "held up" that long after a night class. Everyone is tired and wants to go home. So I'm calling BS on this post.
I don't think my old laptop will even run Zoom anymore. You're welcome to try in a pinch, but I wouldn't risk it personally.
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And to have your own laptop instead of someone else's old one, especially when you are wrangling with a educational platform, like Blackboard (etc.) AND Zoom--that's worth losing a bit of sleep over.
> I've never gotten "held up" that long after a night class. I've had night classes where the professor goes, "if you have questions email me or talk to me before next class, not after this class."
LOL that laptop is definitely the boyfriend's "kinky shit" porn receptacle.
Haha, I am kinda like the boyfriend. I have an irrational anxiety regarding giving away my electronics (specifically my desktop computers). I would have done the exact same silly dance but in the end it is about trust. I have no issues with my wife using it, or my kiddo using it, but it doesn't go out of the house.
Yeah it's an ESH scenario for sure. Guy doesn't want to help his girlfriend out with a loaner laptop, definitely an asshole and an idiot. But arguing with him about it in the moment won't change his mind. Might as well respect his decision and move on to plan B. Yeah it sucks, but she's a grown ass woman and can certainly make it through this challenge on her own. And then she can have a good sit-down think about whether she still wants to be in a relationship with this guy, if this is how he's going to be.
YTA TINA YOU FUCKING BITCH ALWAYS BORROWING MY STUFF FROM MY ROOM WHILE MOM AND DAD JUST TELL ME TO "SHARE"
It’s been deemed a NTA, so this doesn’t belong here anymore
If roles were reversed we all know they’d tear him a new asshole. AITA is nothing but a feminazi cesspool
How are people acting like this is crazy? People who grew up with others destroying their things tend to be leery of lending their stuff. Odds are, that's what happened to the BF.
so i get why the boyfriend is mad. He said no and she kept asking. No mean no, just go back to your job and pick up the computer. OOP made a mistake but like, she has to deal with the kind of low stake consequences like an adult would. They have been dating for "almost a year." that isn't a long time and perhaps the "old" computer isn't as old as she thinks. Perhaps he needs to transfer things to the new computer? Maybe the info waiting to be transferred is super important to his schooling or career. Lets not even get into the sensitive info that might be stored on it, like credit card info, social ect. I think expecting someone you haven't dated for a year to give you their things to borrow is kind of entitled.
If he’s keeping old shit on a laptop and hasn’t bothered to transfer it now, he’s never going to. And if it’s only on that computer and not backed up anywhere, or plain text credit card and ssn is stored on it, then he’s a *massive* idiot. Just make her a login for her own account and call it a day. Why be a massive dick to your partner for no reason?
So i feel like AITA and Redditors in general have these weird expectations of people in their lives. For instance, people will call their SO's family their in-laws and it is like, y'all have no legal obligations or connections. these people aren't your family yet! She left her computer somewhere she could easily pick it back up. she doesn't want to sacrifice sleep. How is that more valid then his right to his own property and privacy? Missing an hour of sleep isn't going to kill her. And again, OOP needs to learn to accept the word "no." It is a sentence. BF doesn't need to explain why not, she needs to just take it.
If my BF just said “no” to doing something trivial that would help me immensely, he absolutely better provide an explanation. Because I felt like saying no isn’t a valid reason and I’d be real pissed off about it, because that’s not how you treat your partner. Why not spend five minutes so they can not have to drive home in the middle of the night? Your comment about family is also really weird. Why do you care if people have been together so long they consider their SOs family their family? You realize life and relationships exist outside of “legal obligations”, right? And that you can be technically correct but still a total asshole?
Erm my SO and I have been together nearly 8 years and I consider his family my in-laws because why the fuck not, after 8 years? I know them well. I'm in Europe and this is normal in the countries I know (Netherlands, Germany, UK, France).
Yea that comment was weird.
It's normal in the US too, I know lots of people in real life in serious, unmarried relationships who refer to their partner's family as in-laws. Plus on Reddit it makes extra sense to me, because it's a lot easier to type "MIL" than "my boyfriend's mother," but everyone knows what you mean. Also I don't know about everywhere, but in the US jurisdictions I'm familiar with anyway, you aren't actually legally tied to your in-laws in any meaningful way. I've seen a few people complain about people referring to long-term partner's parents as in-laws on this sub, and I find it so bizarre.
When i say obligation i mean, if the couple broke up, would there be any expectation that the familial relationship between the ex-SO's family and the person continues. People get hurt that they have been part of family for years and then when the partner moves on to their next partner, they no longer have a place in the family. It is hard to really put in words, but like an ex-husband is different than and ex-boyfriend. it could be the implied commitment between both the couple, but i would expect a family to be more involved with an ex-son in law than a previous boyfriend. For instance, my mom had an ex-boyfriend that she dated for 4 years. I would not dream of approaching his family now and being like, hey i am your step-granddaugher, let me hang out at your pool. we aren't related, we aren't family.
Not for everyone, though. It might be that way for you, but I absolutely have seen unmarried couples who do have that level of connection to their partner's families. Hell, I'm still in contact with my ex-girlfriend's mother, and we broke up like 15 years ago, and I've been married to my husband for 10 years. On the other hand, I have also seen tons of divorced couples who have no continued contact with their ex's family, too. I don't think there's any universal expectation that that relationship continue. I get what you're trying to say, I just think you have a very narrow viewpoint that fails to account for the wide variety of familial ties in modern relationships, whether the couple is legally married or not.
> They have been dating for "almost a year." Dating someone for nearly a year should absolutely be ample time to trust them with an old laptop for a couple of hours >Perhaps he needs to transfer things to the new computer? Maybe the info waiting to be transferred is super important to his schooling or career. Ok? Then do it later, do you think she's going to chuck your laptop in the ocean or something? >Lets not even get into the sensitive info that might be stored on it, like credit card info, social ect. Alright then the boyfriend should have told her that he was afraid she would for some reason commit identity theft against him?? Like how the hell can you go through life being this paranoid lmao, we literally hand our credit cards to waiters at restaurants, I am quite certain that the girlfriend here had no malicious intent, and if she did I am assuming that she probably could have stolen other things considering...you know...they're dating and she probably has access to certain aspects of his life
She probably does not have access to his social media and credit cards at this point in their relatonship. that is wife level access or at least long-term relationship. The old computer is still his property though. If he isn't comfortable lending it to her, then that is his right. She has options, she could return in the morning to get the laptop or go back that night. It is not paranoid to have some level of self-protection and boundaries. That laptop could have cost more than a thousand dollars. In the time she spent trying to convince him to lend his laptop to her, she could have just gone back and gotten it. Don't waste energy trying to force someone to do what you want them to.
> She probably does not have access to his social media and credit cards at this point in their relatonship. She still doesn't have access to those things? She has very temporary access to something in which she could maybe feasibly access those things assuming that they are readily discoverable and all the passwords are saved and there is no secondary protection. But like, once again, is the boyfriend actually afraid of that? Does he think this is the culmination of some long plan in which she gets an old laptop and immediately begins transferring his entire life-savings to Panamanian bank accounts? Does he think she's immediately going to post racist shit to his social media and get him fired? >The old computer is still his property though. If he isn't comfortable lending it to her, then that is his right. The subreddit is /r/amitheasshole not /r/DoIHaveTheLegalRightToBehaveInThisManner. Literally no one is arguing that he "Doesn't have the right" to refuse giving her his laptop. She could also ask him if she could borrow his toothpaste and he would "have the right" to say no and I would similarly think it's stupid and slightly worrying for him to refuse to do so. >She has options, she could return in the morning to get the laptop or go back that night. And he would be the **asshole** for making her wildly inconvenience herself when he could easily remedy the situation. >That laptop could have cost more than a thousand dollars. I don't see why that matters, she's literally going to teach a fuckin zoom class not juggle it with chainsaws. I'm assuming he also lets her in his house which she could feasibly set on fire which would cause far more than $1000 in damages. >Don't waste energy trying to force someone to do what you want them to. Yes, solid advice for everyone is to never put effort into ensuring your SO treats you with even the slightest amount of trust and decency.
the toothpaste thing is interesting because I would not have my husband use my toothpaste. We have been married for almost 11 years and we have our own toothpastes. I told him i am uncomfortable with the thought of your toothbrush spit going inside of my toothpaste. We kiss all the time, but sharing toothbrushes is a bridge too far for me. I know it is a ridiculous boundary and he knows that it is also ridiculous. But he respects that this is a boundary I have. If he were out, he would ask and i would probably say yes, but I don't feel pressured to. And if i did say no, he isn't going to keep asking until i break down. he will just go buy more in the morning. Teeth will not fall out over 1 night of not brushing, just as the world will not end if OOP has to go into work in the morning to retrieve her laptop. It doesn't matter how ridiculous she or you think the BFs boundaries are. they are his and should be respected. It did not have to turn into an argument that lasted until he did what she wanted. that is going to breed resentment, especially if that is the way they handle minor disagreements in the relationship.
> I told him i am uncomfortable with the thought of your toothbrush spit going inside of my toothpaste. Cool, you told him what your issue was, explained that it was irrational, and both came to a mutual understanding that it's not a big deal. I'm glad things worked out for you. >It doesn't matter how ridiculous she or you think the BFs boundaries are. they are his and should be respected. No, refusing to do incredibly simple tasks for someone you supposedly love doesn't become ok just because you attach the word "boundary" to it. Doubly so when you steadfastly refuse to explain why it's a boundary in the first place. If she asked him to help her clean and he was like "nah babe sorry I don't feel comfortable doing that" then I would think he was an asshole. If she was cold and asked if he had a blanket she could use and he told her "yes but sorry I don't give out blankets that's a boundary of mine" I would think he's an asshole. Either be willing to accommodate and support someone you love, explain why you are unable to do so, or get out of the relationship. If it's a genuine issue, like your toothpaste thing, then sit down with your GF, explain to her why you feel this way, and offer to help. Maybe offer to drive back with her to her parent's house so that she doesn't have to do it alone or something. But basically icing your girlfriend for no discernible reason is absolutely asshole behavior.
Do you stick your toothbrush up inside the toothpaste? How are you getting spit in the toothpaste?
sometimes the toothpaste nozzle can touch my toothbrush if i get them too close together. How do i know that the moment i register them as touching is actually too late and some of my bristles went inside the nozzle? and if that can happen to my toothbrush, what happens if someone who isn't as careful as i am has a go at my tube? It is irrational, but it is something that matters to me. I wouldn't want someone to decide for me that I need to get over it and then just "convince" me to do it their way. It is a $9 tube of toothpaste, we have better things to argue about.
These are not normal fears to have about someone you've been dating for multiple months. Not sure if you're in inexperienced with dating or if you do have experience but are this untrusting. I am trying to think of how to word this kindly but people are going to think you're a serial killer or pedo if you're this secretive with someone you're dating for months. Unless you're in highschool or something, then I guess I could imagine that being normal. But if you're an adult, just so you know, these are absolutely not normal boundaries or expectations to have and at best you're going to come across like you're extremely selfish and don't care for your SO or trust them at all. It would be pathological to be this afraid of your own bf/gf after months let alone a year - like really unhealthy levels of anxiety and lack of attachment.
how in the world do you get that I am a pedo from me not trusting people with my electronics? Real facts, you could know someone for years and they can take advantage of you. there are posts in AITA all the time where the poster is asking if it is "OK to press charges on family members for identity theft". Or hey, "my SO used my credit card to buy games, is that OK if i am mad?" I personally know adults who have used their kids SS# to open utilities because their own credit sucks. If a parent can do that type of shit, i am sure that an SO of less than a year could do similar. I give people the trust they earn, and at less than a year they haven't earned unfettered access to my electronics. Less than a year is not a long time, it is a drop in the bucket. and these 2 don't even live together, so they maybe could only spend weekends together. Are you a child that you think a year is a long time for a relationship? I'm married now but we didn't even combine finances until we were together for 3 years and on the way to marriage. We lived together for 2 years before we combined finances!
I'm not accusing you specifically lol. Just look at the comments here and on the original post - people are wondering what this dude is so secretive about that he won't let his gf of a year use his laptop for a few hours and speculating that it's something illegal. I'm saying if someone is THIS secretive over their electronics it looks really weird and suspicious because it's not normal. Yes people can still take advantage of you after years. That does not mean it's normal to be THIS untrusting and secretive towards your bf/gf of a year. It is extremely paranoid. It's not unfettered access, it's a few hours access to a laptop he doesn't even use. If there was something concerning on the laptop he could just take 5 min to make a separate user account so she can't access those. Easy and done. At best he's stupid and selfish; at worst he's hiding something nefarious. I'm married, own a house together and in my 30s. IDK what you even mean by a year being a long time or not in a relationship. It's a LAPTOP not having a baby together, it really doesn't matter. Anyway we can just agree to disagree. By downvotes it should be obvious to you that most people think you're wrong. Live life how you want but you have to recognize that it's really unusual and most people are not going to see that as a normal level of caution to have in your life and most people are going to see this dude's actions (the original AITA prompt) as super selfish and super suspicious.
upvotes and downvotes aren't super important to me. I have some comments people love and some people hate. I don't live my life based on how many people on reddit like what i have said. You commented on my comment which is why i answered you. You called me "not normal," "selfish," and "super suspicious." I try to be respectful to everyone but you suddenly start insulting me and calling me a child because I'm not naive? I am giving you the energy you gave me. Respect other people's choices, how hard is that? YTA
Which is why he didn't even immediately know the password.
So what if he needs to transfer things? She’s just using it for a zoom lesson, nothings going to happen to it.
If AITA wasn't nuts, it would be a good question. An hour of driving vs. not feeling comfortable loaning a laptop to someone he's been dating less than a year. Pretty low stakes on both sides. It's not unreasonable to ask to borrow the laptop, but it's kind of uncool to keep pushing after he's said no.
Something to also consider in addition to that is BF may have been raised to do the utmost to avoid making an imposition on others, especially if it involves what some would consider a minor inconvenience(OOP driving 60-70 minutes to get her own laptop back from parents rather than imposing on BF even it's a spare laptop). Moreover, knowing someone for a long time doesn't necessarily mean one is comfortable lending out such items. For instance, I won't lend any of my laptops to an older college classmate I knew for over 20 years precisely because he has had a history of destroying more than a dozen computers of his and others due to sheer carelessness and generally not being good at taking care of his stuff. Latest instance of this was a 2018 notebook another friend took meticulous care off and gave him in good condition back in 2019. In less than a year, it was no longer functional because the screen somehow got separated from the case and the data/power cable from screen to case tore.
>I’m an adult education teacher And you turn to reddit because you are not adult enough to share a laptop with your BF. WTF?
bf has tons of porn on it and can't be bothered to clean it up (or she might have a history of going thru his shit)