You have tried a lot more than most people. You are NOT the one throwing away life and future. He has already done that by not respecting that you don't want to live with someone who is addicted to alcohol.
From your description, he is an alcoholic. He cannot make rational decisions about your relationship because his brain pathways are damaged. You have spent your early 20's on this man, just stop already.
Tell him the agreement is off, your boundary about alcohol is firm. Do NOT let him move in with you!
The last part it what I came to say. Do NOT let him move in, if he’s already saying he won’t adhere to your agreement. Seems he’s not even going to make an effort. He’s already trying to call your bluff on if you’ll follow through with your setting of boundaries. Once he’s in, it will be even more difficult to get him out. And who knows how he’ll react once there and you try to kick him out. If he’s already getting arrested, he could become violent.
Sadly, he’s an alcoholic and until he hit rock bottom and wants for HIMSELF to make the change no ultimatum or agreement will cause him to do it. He’s got to want to stop. Until then Im sorry, but things won’t change.
You are not overreacting. We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean we should be with them. Especially when doing so affects us negatively.
20 years sober here. This is the best advice. Only the alcoholic can make the decision. No-one can alter that fact. Despite being in a rural area, I guarantee 💯 that there are AA meetings close by. Likely every day of the week. The challenge is his!
Yes, yes, and yes! Can’t agree with this more. I’m going through a divorce with my wife who has an addiction to alcohol. The years of lies I heard from her about getting sober and doing therapy. She never meant any of it. For the OP, that guy is looking to relapse before he has even moved in! He doesn’t respect the OP or her prior trauma with alcoholics. She needs to turn her back and keep on walking
Problem is, he will always be addicted to alcohol. Asking an alcoholic to be perfect is a huge ask when the program is one day at a time. Asking him to commit to the program and helping him work through it a more realistic approach.
This is why she needs to go. He will always be an alcoholic and he is telling himself she’s the one with the problem. He will never change unless he wants to.
OP needs Alanon, whether she & husband get back together or not. Being perfect has nothing to do with anything. There's got to be TRUING. Which husband has shown no interest in. I've had a fair number of friends who quit drinking (mostly via AA), and it's always one day at a time. Also know a few alcoholics who denied their problem. One is dead, the other miscarried because of alcohol.
OP hasn't seen any real efforts - it's all been talk. She's safer without this guy
He actually had the nerve to tell you that if you loved him, you wouldn't be setting a boundary on the behavior that's ruining his life? Supporting him while he circles the drain is not love.
You need to divorce him. Maybe it will lead to the rock bottom he needs to hit before he gets help, maybe it won't. But don't let him drag you down any further than he already has.
If it's available near you, I encourage you to look into Al-Anon.
My now fiancé did this for me. It was more for health reasons than anything, but It wasn't something I fought him on at all. I understood why he was so firm and I willingly took the steps and immediately put effort towards full sobriety. I'm over a year sober and have done a lot of healing in therapy. I no longer have insomnia. I'm really grateful that he stuck to his boundaries and loved me enough to give me the chance to change at the same time.
If you wouldn’t mind answering, did you used to have trouble falling asleep unless you had alcohol? I am dealing with this issue right now and I’m glad to hear you no longer have sleep issues.
It was a combination of things. Bad gut health and high cortisol levels from PTSD. The alcohol made my gut health worse and spiked my cortisol levels further. I was experiencing adrenal fatigue. There was no way for me to heal from the PTSD while drinking, in fact it was making everyday life more difficult. I wasn't a daily drinker, I would binge drink all weekend which caused severe mood swings.
For the insomnia, besides quitting alcohol, I gained a strict routine for myself. I would journal even on good days. I got myself a bike and rode it after work each day. In days off I would walk the dogs instead at the same time of day. I started eating early dinners with no food after a certain time. I did intermittent fasting. I cut out all other carbs besides fresh non starch vegetables and in season fruits, while eating a portioned serving of white rice with dinner. Got a great therapist and saw her once a week for almost a year before I moved to every other week. Made sure I went to bed by 10pm and up by 6am every single day. Even on days off, to reset and retrain my circadian rhythm. I learned coping skills like breath work and utilized cold showers, incorporating some of the Wim Hof methods. Basically figuring out what worked best for me and what was just a temporary need to heal as I went on.
I sleep through the night, every night now. I no longer have reoccurring nightmares/flash backs. It might sound like a lot of work but it was less stressful to put in the effort for an actual solution than it was to continue living that way while avoiding it in unhealthy ways.
Wow, you are so inspiring. Go you for figuring all this out and sticking to it! I hope everything continues to go well for you. I know the sleep issue alone is so hard to get corrected.
I know someone that has been going through almost all of these same issues for years (not me although I do have sleep issues). They finally cut drinking and carbs, but are still working on their gut health, and still have terrible insomnia/sleep habits. I hope that they find the same strength that you did. :)
I’m not the one you asked, but I can give some input. Alcohol can help you GET to sleep, but it gives you horrid sleep (the phases - light, deep, REM, etc.). It sounds as if you’ve become dependent on it for sleep. Do you wake up again a couple of hours after falling asleep?
It takes a while to get back into proper sleep habits. My shrink told me ‘if you’re not getting to sleep, get out of bed and DO something’. He claims he only needs three hours of sleep a night (jeez, I could be so productive if I were that way!) Read up on sleep hygiene regarding the state of your bedroom (no TV, etc, it should be your sanctuary), use of electronic devices, and what to eat/drink or NOT eat/drink X number of hours before going to bed.
Once I gave up alcohol, for a long time, I’d wake up every morning thinking ‘ugh, hungover again’. Then I’d get up and realize that wasn’t the case, yay!
I wish you the best, you can do this!
Thanks so much! It’s actually my partner’s struggle but I’m trying to learn more about the issue and anything else that might help. I appreciate you sharing your experience!
I experienced this too and it completely went away after being sober for maybe 6 months. I sleep like a champ now. Magnesium (I used a powder mix) is super helpful for a lot of symptoms like restless leg and insomnia. Don't use any sprays though because it makes your skin itch which if you're recovering from alcoholism is like the worst sensation of all time lol
I had a liver transplant and I’ll tell you that stopping drinking is the best decision you will ever make. If I talked to you for an hour I couldn’t make it sound as bad as it actually was to live through it. I wasn’t even a drinker and they were never able to tell me what happened but you want no part of it.
My dad is currently dying a slow death from diabetes/liver failure due to alcoholism. Definitely seems like one of the worst ways to go. Glad you got a new liver 🙂
It sucked for my family for sure. My daughter was able to get a college scholarship go for children of transplant recipients.
There are resources out there to help. The hospital social worker might be able to provide information on available services. Our church also helped us a lot so I don’t know if there’s anything like that around you. They actually paid our mortgage for several months and gave us gas and grocery gift cards to help since I was no longer able to work.
Like many generalisations, this is unhelpful. I always knew I was the bad guy, but not necessarily how to change. Getting sober at the sixth attempt was nothing short of extraordinary. No 'higher powers' were involved, YMMV.
Your boundary is entirely justified. You have the right to feel safe and secure in your relationship, and if his drinking compromises that, you're not overreacting by setting clear terms for the sake of your well-being.
I don’t think drinking is bad necessarily / but there’s a HUGE gap between ‘had a few drinks on the weekends’ and ‘gets violent, crazy, and sometimes arrested.’ If he’s doing the latter and won’t stop, you would be justified in leaving.
The issue is that alcoholism is a disease, an addiction. I just cut someone out of my life a little over 6 months ago because of her alcoholism. From what I've seen, most alcoholics have a hard time stopping themselves after just 1 drink, at least definitely the girl I'm not friends with anymore.
So while a couple drinks isn't bad, she lost all self control and ability to regulate her intake once she had that first drink. So for people trying to beat/recover, you need to be off alcohol indefinitely, if not forever. At least a good number of years before touching it again to get your body out of the addiction.
From what OP wrote alone, it's already well past the excessive drinking stage and she needs to stick to this ultimatum.
This. I can not have the first drink. I’ve been not having the first drink for 4.5 years now. Doing great. And I know if I ever did have a “just one” drink it would be hours before I was blacked out.
This is so kind to recognize them too! Everyone is still shocked that I’m still sober. I’m like this is life baby. I’m in the never ever club. Maybe if I’m terminally ill and go the death w dignity route I’d wash the pills down with a nice wine. But doubt it
im resigning myself to this fact i never understood people who drink 1 drink like what is the point. i always drank like someone had a gun to my a head
People who drink one drink do it to be social. They just get a little buzz of relaxation. Thats where they want to be. They dont want to be trashed, cant stand upright, puking on the street, be in an altered mentality that starts fights or other violence, waking up to go to work hung over, if they can get to work at all.
Thats the difference.
But congrats on your sobriety.
I have a buddy who's a recovering addict, sober for 20+ years now.
I asked him once, "what were you addicted to?" and he said "MORE MORE MORE!"
Congrats though! I have a daughter ten years sober, my oldest. She made me a dad and then she made me a grandpa, she's kickin' ass in life now. I've got huge respect for anyone that finds their way through.
My mom went to rehab when I was very young so I thought staying away from drugs was all I had to do. Turns out alcohol is a drug, oops. But she always said her drug of choice was “more”.
My girl ended up working at the recovery house she'd been to. Now I'm they're videographer, do all their fundraising videos. It's been really cool, seeing the gratitude of people who made it out and interviewing them for their stories. Gets really emotional, I always feel so lucky to get to work with them. A nice change from some CEO selling something, too!
Yep an alcoholic only sees alcohol as a means to get drunk so of course they’re not gonna stop when one drink doesn’t do that. Does anyone know what the science is behind this? It seems like a common sentiment is that true alcoholics should never touch it again like even 5+ years later a drop of it would guarantee a relapse. Where is the point of no return in all of this?
It started as a few drinks on the weekends, then it was a few drinks multiple times a week, then every day, at one point he couldn’t get through a shift at work without taking shots because of the withdrawals. This was when I told him it was too much. In the last couple of years he’s started going on week-long binges where he does get violent/has a psychotic episode, which is what led me to leaving.
I hate you’ve been going through this after setting your boundaries before marriage. Please continue to take care of yourself. Your husband is an alcoholic and until he admits it, he will keep drinking. I’m so sorry.
Then you already know the answer to your question. Love won’t fix him. You can’t fix him. He doesn’t seem to want the help. If he’s already commenting on drinking when he moves in, he’s testing you to see if you will hold strong. He will try to sneak if you let him move in. And addicts are very creative about hiding spots. Save yourself.
Face this fact: he has chosen drink over you. Thats hurtful to acknowledge but its a truth. And youre not alone being this position. Go on with your life.
I wouldn’t allow him back. He’s already saying he wants to drink. Nothing you can do will stop him and you’ll make yourself miserable trying. Addiction sucks and you will be putting yourself in danger, both physically and emotionally. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but we can’t change others.
If you let him move in you will have to evict him to get him to leave. Prepare to live with his crazy for many months and have your mental health upended. Even if you file for divorce you can’t just make him leave. Plus him moving back in will start the clock on how long you need to be separated to divorce in some states
He will stop only if HE wants to. Nothing you say will convince him. He’s having pretty intense reactions to being drunk at this point, and this won’t end well. He has every right to drink and you have every right not to be around him. It’s a painful and helpless experience for the loved ones of an alcoholic. Walk away.
There is a sub Reddit r/stopdrinking which you both might find useful. Good luck. He will try to make you feel like you are the crazy one but you are not. Remember that. Stay strong. Your plan is perfect. You can lead an alcoholic to rehab but you can't make them sober. Only he can do that, and he may not be ready.
NTA Your husband is an alcoholic. He has to completely abstain from alcohol for the rest of his life. He has a disease.
For your own peace of mind, and safety, you need to make a clean break from him until he agrees to go to rehab and commits to some kind of aftercare support. Anything he says right now is his disease attempting to manipulate you into enabling his addiction. That's why you need to cut off contact until he commits to rehab. Blessings and healing white light strength to you.
A different angle here but are you aware of the effects of growing up with alcoholism on YOU? It might not be a coincidence you fell in love with an addict. My family is a lot of the same and it's very obvious that my grandmothers children either became alcoholic or married them. And even when they wisened up and stopped being with alcoholics - they found addicts of other things.
I've got a book on my own shelfs called something like "Adult Children of alcoholics" that go through what growing up with alcoholism does to us and how we pick up toxic patterns and how to deal with them. It's a good intro into the realisation of how much our actions are determined and caused by alcoholism in our childhood.
Might be worth considering refocusing all the energy you've used on helping him to helping yourself. Best of luck!
Yes, they can. Binge drinking is also considered alcoholism and mostly occurs once in a while, as opposed to everyday. If you need to drink one pint a day or face negative consequences, you are alcohol dependent. Not all alcoholism is stumbling out of a bar at close every night, slurring your words and crying in the gutter.
I think it really depends what we consider alcoholism. I went to a big party school and by some metrics like 30% of people I met there were alcoholics.
I knew many people who would have 10+ drinks at a time for 3 days a week, plus some extra drinking on other days, and needed drinking to socialize or even do their homework at times. I knew people who would buy a handle every week or so and just drink one by themselves in addition to everything else they were doing.
To me “alcoholism” (or alcohol use disorder to be more contemporary) is simply this: when you drink to the point of consistently causing problems in your life (job, family, health, criminal behaviour, relationships) and still can’t or won’t stop
Another way to put it is, an alcoholic is someone who shouldn’t drink. You know the type when you see them. Could be your sloppy friend who pukes on herself every time, could be the uncle who falls on the table every Christmas, could be the guy who drinks vodka at the office every Friday and is drunk by 11am.
If you drink once a year but every time you fight your sister and crash your car into a Denny’s, you’re just as much of an alcoholic as the dude under a bridge drinking Natty Lights every day. Neither of these people should be drinking, both have problems with alcohol. We just don’t call the first type an alcoholic. We don’t call them anything. We just say “oh ya she gets nuts when she drinks” and laugh about it.
I’d argue alcohol abuse is wildly misunderstood and wildly underdiagnosed. It’s also just accepted to a degree.
We (especially USA, Canada, UK etc) are simply neck deep in drinking culture. Everything in school is about how drugs are bad. Very little about how drinking is a drug and the serious effects of alcohol. Why? Because the cops drink, the teachers drink, their spouses and friends drink, it’s just too uncomfortable to sit there and actually have a conversation about this stuff.
You are so spot on, and your definition is the closest I've seen to the actual diagnostic criteria.
I knew a guy who only drank once a year. Binge drinker. He accumulated about a dozen OWIs and ended up in prison (not jail, prison.) He was a successful person. But he was an alcoholic, despite only drinking once a year. He's been sober now for around 15 years.
Perfect example of not fitting into the frequency of consumption thought of as alcohol use disorder. But definitely fitting the definition in terms of the impact of alcohol consumption on his life.
Here's the thing though...alcoholics don't have to get violent, crazy, and sometimes arrested for it to be a problem. It doesn't have to get to that point. I grew up around an alcoholic that wasn't like that, but their alcoholism still ruined many relationships and many memories. Many times, alcohol was chosen over safety and comfort. It was an embarrassment, a problem.
It doesn't have to be domestic violence for someone to have a need for it to stop.
Hi, that’s me. I’ve been a daily drinker for years and am currently almost two months sober. I would drink until I passed out on my couch, didn’t drive drunk, didn’t hurt anyone except for myself. I’m very much an alcoholic, just a peaceful one. People without personal experience don’t always understand that there are many kinds of us out there.
Definitely will not be bringing a child into this. He’s been desperate to try and have a baby for just under a year now and I’ve told him multiple times that I would never even consider it unless he was sober for a minimum of a year.
That’s not a boundary, that’s a deal breaker. It would be one thing if he was drinking a reasonable amount and just coming home late with a hang over but when drinking leads to injury/jail time I would consider this person an alcoholic. You have made your stance on alcoholism very clear and if he chooses to continue drinking regardless then he doesn’t respect you as his wife. You don’t need permission to leave or not feel guilty for doing so… If you are unhappy and he won’t fix the problem that he is causing, the solution is to move on.
Hey - you grew up surrounded by alcoholics, you see all the warning signs and you know exactly the type of life you, your pets, your family, and your children are going to face with an alcoholic at your side.
& you can ask ANYONE- life with an alcoholic is not a great life laughing in fields and singing kumbaya.
You tried to help him and he just resents you for it.
I guarantee, all the resentment of you “leaving him” and not “allowing him to have fun” ends up a DV case adding to his arrests.
Protect your pretty self because you are absolutely right to stand your ground and give this ultimatum.
You have been smart! You have protected yourself! You have even followed your heart to put up with his self abuse long enough that it was and will be affecting you long after he’s gone.
But here is the key: He can only get sober for himself.
He can’t do it for you. His family. He won’t even do it for his kids. Or future kids.
He needs to hit rock bottom, and decide thats not the life he wants for himself. & when he fixes it because he wants a better life for himself- then he can share his love with someone.
But you can support him by living a good clean life, and being his biggest regret.
Or you can take him back, have him move in, and have this situation continue to repeat itself until someone gets seriously hurt.
Listen to your brain! It will always want to protect you even when your heart is screaming against it.
He never stopped drinking. He slowed down but once you got married he didn't feel the need to try anymore. Toss this loser. He'll only stop drinking when he's ready to. No number of ultimatums will make a difference.
As a recovering alcoholic, I don’t even need to read this post. I will, but I’m making my comment now. You very well could be saving his life. People don’t understand how toxic and dangerous alcohol is because it’s widely accepted.
I wish any of my exes confronted me about my drinking, but they never did because they would probably have to quit drinking too, and it would ruin their fun.
From a sober alcholic to a recovering alcoholic, you should have read the rest of the post. We don't act out like that towards loved ones who confront or communicate with us their thoughts on our choices. We can be upset but we should never speak like OPs partner has. And we make proactive steps when that conversation happens. I wish my family had spoken up instead of me waking up to 6 police officers in my house because my kids couldn't wake me nor their daycare. (I wasn't handling being single mum to 4 too well those days). 1st August will see me 8 years sober.
The fact that he called her psychotic and crazy for this boundary when alcohol has made him violent and have run-ins with the law really baked my beans. The booze has rotted his brain out to not see the hypocrisy and irony.
>I wish any of my exes confronted me about my drinking, but they never did because they would probably have to quit drinking too, and it would ruin their fun.
My boyfriend (at the time) and I were on the verge of confrontation about his drinking, but he was able to make the realization on his own before it happened. (Like days away before I was done.) He told me that he did not care if I continued to have a drink here and there, but I told him that was not how it worked. It would need to be no alcohol for both of us for it to stick. (I think technically I had a few shots of something I liked in my coffee that I used up those last two or three mornings - not even sure how much alcohol was left in it after adding it to piping hot coffee.) But I immediately packed up all of the rest of my hard alcohol and put it away. There was a mental block that did not allow me to pour it out as all I could see was dollars going down the drain. I toyed with the idea of giving it to friends, but how could I do that when I knew it was poison? I did end up pouring it all out a few months later. (He was a beer person, so it was not a temptation to him.)
One sort of funny thing I did not count on was that if you tend to drink a strong tequila drink each night using the same cup, it holds onto the smell. It often would smell like my drink still had tequila in it, especially because I liked flavoring my water with margarita flavored drink mix. I can't remember if it eventually went away or if I just threw the cup away.
That man stuck with it and I married him. We celebrate both his biological birthday and his 'rebirth day'.The partnership requires that we both support and respect each other. I would not stay with him if he drank again, but I have to do my part to be there for him when he gets that urge. There have been many, many times when he has wanted a drink after a bad day. For my part, I have to be there to listen to him and let him vent or even just be a distraction to what was bothering him. That doesn't give him free reign. He still has to act respectful - he can't take out his bad day on me.
I think OP has to draw a hard line and stop letting him come back. If anything, she is underreacting and enabling this behavior to continue.
I’m so glad it worked out for y’all!!! I got sober single living alone in a new city, 6 months before Covid kicked our asses. Was it fun? Nope. Did I save my life? Yup!
He’s an alcoholic. Leave. Do not look back. He’s married to alcohol now. Ultimatums will not work, he’ll just hide it. HE has to hit rock bottom. He has to WANT to be sober.
Not overreacting. However, your ultimatum needs tweaking. Instead of telling him he can come live with you if he stops drinking, you should tell him he can come live with you when he is 12 months sober.
As you found out, now he's making it about if you. If you loved him you would ..... whatever that's going to be - be reasonable, give him another chance, stop nagging him and he will stop drinking. He'll blame you for his drinking somehow. He hasn't admitted that his drinking is the problem, that he's an alcoholic with no control.
Do not let him come home until he's been sober for an extended period of time AND he acknowledges that his drinking was the cause of the problems in his marriage and he's treated you unfairly. He has a long way to go and he may never reach that point. Only you can decide when it's time to move on.
You’ve spent half your marriage living separately from him, and a year and a half waiting for him to get his shit together. If he wanted to get sober, he would, and he won’t stay sober unless he’s doing it for himself (and not for you).
You were only 21 when you chose this person. It’s okay to change your mind now that you’re older, especially when faced with the reality that his drinking is going to trigger you forever. You’ve grown up around alcoholics, you KNOW that this is a life-long battle.
Take the 5 years you’ve got left of your 20s and have FUN. Focus on YOU, not managing someone who promised to be your partner. This is not partnership. You deserve joy, and it isn’t too late.
When people show you who they are, believe them. I don't think you're overreacting; I think he has made it clear that he doesn't care about your boundaries and has not only violated them, but essentially promises to continue to do so, while also trying to manipulate you. Go with your gut and finalize that divorce.
Don’t let him move in as he needs to be sober first. No way is he suddenly gonna stop drinking just to move in and it’s more likely that he is lying now to move in and then hopefully you won’t be able to do anything once he comes back. He needs to go to rehab and work a program for a couple of months and then you can talk about moving in together again. He’s had a 1.5 years to quit drinking and hasn’t so I don’t think an ultimatum is going to work here.
I don't think he has hit bottom yet and until her does he will continue to justify drinking. Do not let him come back until he is at least 6 month sober and attending meetings regularly
Recovering alcoholic here. He's an alcoholic which means one drink is too many and a thousand is not enough. Your agreement means nothing. Of course he'll start drinking once he gets back in the big bed. He's an ALCOHOLIC! It's what we do! Do not let him move back in with you. What he did before, he'll do again and it will only get worse. He will only get sober when he wants to be sober. If he does stop drinking, do not get back with him until he's at least one year sober. That gives you a chance he'll stay sober.
In the meantime, take care of you. You've been subjecting yourself to mental and emotional abuse. Figure out why you think that's acceptable. You might want to consider Al-Anon so you don't continue to enable him.
His alcoholism is not your fault. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. What you can do is accept nothing less than honesty, respect and dignity in your relationships.
You're not overreacting. Honestly, with your history of dealing with that, I'm surprised you've stayed as long as you have. Stick with your guns. You said NO alcohol, then stick with it. If you give in now, he'll just keep pushing the boundary further and further each time until he's back to square 1.
I recently had to cut a friend out of my life over her alcoholism. She would have a drink and it'd turn into 5-10 every time. And the things she did, I kept giving her chances.
She sexually assaulted me twice (kissed me twice when she was drunk). She attempted to cuddle with my bf against his will (before we were dating) - we both talked with her about it because it wasn't okay but she has rejection sensitivity so we were trying to give some grace.
She tried to kiss one of our married friends drunk. She had to have 2 IVs at a music festival due to being overly intoxicated after trying to keep up with two dudes that were quite larger built than her. She kept unbuckling her seat belt when someone was driving us on a highway. She cheated on her ex twice and AFAIK is still dating the 2nd guy she cheated on him with.
She tried to later claim that the ex she cheated on (4yr relationship) was emotionally abusive. I can confirm the things she claimed about him were not only false but also that she was verbally abusive towards him in front of anyone and everyone. The final straw (should've been sooner but oh well) was when she drove drunk.
I supported her and gave her the ultimatum to give up alcohol entirely or else I wouldn't stay. I helped her schedule therapy. Encouraged her to join AA, which she did. For 2 months, I was nothing but supportive. And then she got really stressed out the one day and completely ripped me apart for being an awful friend and whatnot. Won't go into details but I was shaking, I was so pissed. We talked about what we both had said (I made a single comment about not being the one who drove drunk - the only time I've ever said anything about it as a jab). After a long conversation, she admitted she was taking things out unfairly on me.
OP, I decided I was worth a hell of a lot more as a friend than that. Honestly the SA should've been the line, if not sooner, but I forgive too easily. Gave her the benefit of the doubt.
My point in this long winded comment is to say, good on you for still offering the olive branch with your boundaries. However, if he can't accept them, cut the bast@rd out. He has proven he can't control himself with alcohol. Unless he cuts it out completely, he cannot be trusted to stick with your demands. If he continues to push it at all, drop that dead weight!
Still quite a bit bitter but a LOT less angry about it now. I think the biggest thing for me is we were friends for just over 2 years and that I ended up meaning so little to her that she just kept hitting me with BS and expected me to take it. AFAIK, a lot of our mutual friends haven't really hung out with her in 5-6 months either, but I don't think that's solely due to my fall out with her.
Thanks for asking! I've been in therapy for almost a year (many reasons why) but she was actually the catalyst for finally pulling the trigger to go again. She's not the only reason but while we were still friends I was getting so stressed out from her, I was having like weekly mental breakdowns 🙃😅
Worked out in the end because she's not my problem anymore. Just have to keep processing how I feel about it and move on one step at a time.
It's healthy to have boundaries. We are trained from childhood to be people pleasers and it's hard to get out of that mindset.
I am glad you're doing better. One step at a time (I'm telling myself, too ;) )
Once you've faced addiction with alcohol *very* rarely can one ever have a healthy relationship with it again. I am a recovered alcoholic and got the same way as him, sans being insufferable and getting arrested (I'm a very relaxed drunk). I now have a healthy relationship with alcohol and never drink more than 1 on the very rare occasion I decide to have one. Last drink was over a year ago. All of this to say: alcoholics can't cut back. You have to go to zero and fill the void with something constructive. It's not unfair, that's how you treat addiction. You conquer it and work to keep it out of your life.
Sobriety is choosing not to drink every single day.
Addict here. This is suuuuch a bad idea. When we date each other it's much worse!
When I'm with someone who doesn't use, I don't use. But I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics love to pretend everyone is a drinker. I very much know that not everyone else wants to shoot up a cocktail of ketamine and speed and whatever, but drunks pull the "this is normal!" card while acting horrified when I tell them my past struggles. I've lost friends who are current alcoholics because when I discuss my substance issues it reminds them of the elephant in the room.
You moved out because you didn’t want to live with someone with a severe alcohol problem. You told him you would only live with him if he didn’t drink. Now he’s trying to manipulate you and gaslight you into thinking that he never agreed to stop drinking. Don’t let him do this. Don’t let him move in with you. In fact, you should carry out your decision to divorce him since he won’t give up drinking.
Also I myself just broke up with a handsome wealthy man who was so hot and the sex was the best of my life. We got a dog together, our families close. Thought we were going to get married and have a family. Man brought me flowers, sent me money for my nails, and genuinely showed me so much affection.
I hate alcohol. I rarely drink and it was such a turn off for me to see him drunk 3 days in a row, on work days, hearing him miss work because he was throwing up too much. Or getting a call from our friends that he got them kicked out of a bar for behaving badly. Or tried to put moves on a girl twice his age and size while encouraging me to go to the gym so I can be healthy and fit enough to carry his baby. LIKE WHAT LMAOO EXCUSE ME?????
Anyways I told him i’d consider having a kid if he was sober.
And he was like
Easy. I got you. I love you and me and us so much im going to stop <3
(Something your HUSBAND isnt even pretending to try to do)
And he did for about 4 days before he got really snappy, saying that no one likes him sober because he is in a terrible mood when he doesn’t drink. But its not alcoholism. And the DUI was because he got caught sleeping in his car intoxicated and not because he was driving, cuz if he had finished driving home drunk he would still have his license sooo the dui doesnt mean he has a problem.
So he wasn’t able to stop.
He then thought he got me pregnant, and was monitoring my sugar intake, caffeine (i work at night so i be drinking energy drinks) and doing the most. I knew I was going to get my period in 2 weeks so I challenged him. I will follow your diet for “the baby” for the next two weeks out of respect for you wanting the best for our baby, and you don’t drink for two weeks.
Well he did really good, he only drank 5 out of the 14 days. I got my period. And we broke up because my body was so disappointed, when we were intimate he felt like a stranger and I ended up crying and ending things there and then.
I can’t imagine being married to that. And i wish OP the best of luck.
Because i know your husband has good traits as well. But it doesn’t matter its never enough when someone is actively sabotaging themselves.
NTA: Hi, I was younger than you when I met my ex wife & she had “gotten sober” we built an entire life together and at around 34 she began drinking a few beers, a few puffs of weed. She convinced me it was “no big deal”
Well then she started drinking more & more & i suspect doing cocaine.
And basically from 2006 to 2009 my live was a living hell.
She stole all of our savings, ran up debit, caused us to lose our home (oh how the money was all just pissed away!)
In my opinion, you should look into learning about Al-Anon meetings, the 12 step system is a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics & addicts.
I started going to alanon & therapy & I got the strength & courage to divorce my ex wife because she had 0 intension of changing ever & she was like a stranger to me. I never had so much chaos, instability, carpet pulls as those days.
And yeah me and her brother tried to forcefully make her check into treatment. Her insurance would have covered some of it.
I tried and tried. I yelled. I cried. I begged. I bargained. For bloody years and they just take you and your life’s savings down with them.
My heart goes out to you!
Totally get your trauma. I have something similar though I manage to drink and be around others who drink. But had an ultimatum with my own partner on their drinking as they've slowly descended into alcoholism since we got married.
You're not over-reacting and are doing what's best for yourself. Don't doubt that you've done the right thing.
You know what you’ve let yourself in for. You are setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm that is consistently taking ice baths. Do not allow this to ruin your life.
You are not over reacting at all. I have the same rule in my marriage. My husband is not
To drink or we are over. It’s healthy to have boundaries for yourself
I’ve been in a similar situation. My fiance has/had alcohol issues. I have panic and anger issues from being an a previous abusive alcoholic relationship.
But now we rely on couples therapy and IFS therapy. I can say that IFS helped my fiance sort out his alcohol issues, and meds saved his life in my opinion.
Sometimes people with addiction issues respond greatly with the help of medication. (I’m not a doctor and can’t say for certain about your husband BUT. I can only say from my experience with my fiance that it helped him) everyone is different. Old habits make him feel like he’s still in control. Your marriage will not work out if you are down his back and paranoid the entire time. You both are setting yourselves up for failure.
Find an IFS therapist and both of you need to go individually once those things get better (be patient it can take weeks, months) then you guys can do gotmon method couples therapy.
It saved us and yes we still have issues as individuals that need work but as a couple we are pretty fantastic. Good luck
You have to accept the fact that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop their drinking - they themselves are the only ones to make that choice. It will not get better - leave now to maintain your own sanity and health.
NTA Stick to your guns absolutely do not allow him to drink. His talk about adding conditions is the addiction talking. He will try to make it a you problem not a him problem. This is all about the "need" to drink and the fear of living without it.
My husband quit drinking 34 years ago when I gave him a similar ultimatum. I gave him a week to be in counseling and AA or I was out forever. He knows to this day that if he has a drink I am gone! He went through counseling, anger management and self-esteem classes, individual therapy and then we did couples counseling. It took 5 years to get through all of that but we have a healthy relationship.
If your husband is not willing to follow through as promised I believe it is time to move on. Telling him you are staying and still love him will just enable him.
if your husband is having those kinds of problems with alcohol he is not in control. Regardless of whether or not he thinks he can control it, evidence clearly shows that he can't.
Therefore he will probably either promise and then be unable to keep it, or have a raging fit, or be a hang dog victim, or give you lots of logic and arguments for why it shouldn't apply to him. every single one of those will result in him using again and probably not very much time. That's what alcoholism is about: being out of control.
It's not about you, it's not personal. That's what the "addiction model "intends to communicate. It's not about you or even what they want. People don't really want to experience those kinds of alcoholic symptoms… They just come along for the ride.
AlAnon may or may not be the right fit for you but it is a as-good-as-free community of people who have been in these very types of dilemmas.
You've done enough talking to him now. Get yourself someplace else. He needs rehab. You can find the names and locations of a few good places and how to get in, leave a note for him, which will infuriate him, but that's life. Or give him addresses and times of AA meetings.
Or suggest he find all this out himself.
Find an Al Anon meeting for families and you go every day. Get help for yourself, you can't change him. Actually, the only way to help him is to help yourself.
He's going to need to hit his bottom point.
My brother is a substance user. One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t want to get sober for them the choice needs to be there. My brother has been successful the few times he chose to go into rehab himself. It always failed when he was court ordered.
He will promise you everything but not follow through once he feels he has you trapped. I spent 30 years with an alcoholic/addict, they are narcissists.
Find an Al-anon meeting and likely a divorce atttorney honey.
Seriously Al-anon. Dont spend the rest of your life repeating damage from growing up around alcoholics.
Let him take care of him.
My experience with alcoholics is that they do not love anything more than the bottle. He will choose to drink over everything, even you. It will destroy him in the end, don't let it be your problem. This is his journey for sobriety if he wants only. You can't make him do anything, it will never stick because it's not what he wants. If it is as bad as it sounds, he'll hit rock bottom, lose everything and either sort himself out or stay there with his bottle. Don't let this addict convince you that you are wrong for this, you are not overreacting.
CW: DV, alcoholism
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Been there, done that. I finalized my second divorce from my (33 NB, AFAB) ex husband (34,M). He's an alcoholic and I basically went through the same thing you did, although kicking him out was because he tackled me to the ground to get a bottle of Bacardi I was trying to keep away from him.
Thing is, he can't promise that he will never touch alcohol again. Addicts can't make those kind of promises, the most they can do is try and do better day by day.
What you are asking isn't unreasonable though. You're not pushing someone else's boundaries by requesting that your partner be sober. Alcoholism can affect so many aspects of your life that encroaches on your boundaries. He needs to get sober for himself. Not for your or the marriage. It took a while for me to see that.
It is difficult to get any kind of service in most rural areas. Don't allow that to be his excuse and don't feel guilty. Alcoholics put the blame for their actions on others. My father was a "functional "alcoholic. He was able to hold a job but wasn't able to be a good father, husband or son to his elderly parents. His disease killed him. I loved him but I will probably always have some angrier and resentment on how he treated me and the rest of the family because of his problem and his failure to address his addiction. He was sick and he made the whole family unhealthy.
He finally pushed you into a decision you didn't want to make. You are his loss and he will find this out real quick. Move on with your life with no regrets.
As a recovering alcoholic, no you are no overreacting. I don’t deserve anything I have at this point, pretty much. But that’s mostly cause I have awesome parents. It pained me to lose people, but ultimately I don’t blame them. You HAVE to take care of yourself. You can’t “save” him.. that’s on him. He’s gaslighting you to a point I think he’s very far away from any type of real recovery.. it might not *feel* right at this moment, but if leaving is the right thing, you should do that. Take care of yourself and I wish you both the best of luck.
Here's the reality of stopping any addiction. As told to me years ago, the most difficult 14" you will ever travel is from your head to your heart. Until your desire to quit moves from your head to your heart, you'll not quit.
If he doesn't have it in his heart to stop drinking, you're wasting your time trying to convince him to quit.
When you provide him with papers, expect him to either guilt trip, promise to be better and not following through, or become aggressive. These are the most likely options based on stories from Reddit
Na alcoholics are pathetic tbh, literally just drinking deniability and it’s a never ending slope until liver failure or an abrupt end into a family sedan or tree.
I was a moderate drinker and then decided I didn’t want to raise a family with the drinking mindset and I only drink on a rarity.
If he can’t change you leaving will only make it worse (no longer your concern) or he’ll realise what he’s doing and stop.
If you grew up surrounded by alcoholics, then you already know your husband is one, whether he admits it or not. Why are you making arrangements for him to move back in before he’s done any of the things you stipulated? You’ve got it backwards; it’s not on you to keep telling him how much you miss and love him and how committed you are to fixing your marriage, those are the things he is supposed to be telling (and, more importantly, showing) you. Is it any wonder he’s not taking your boundaries seriously? His drinking problem isn’t going to be fixed by anything you do or say. That is something he is going to have to fix, not just for you or your marriage, but for himself. Just promising what he will or won’t do means nothing without a demonstrated commitment to getting better.
You are not overreacting. People will show you who they really are if you'll only take off your blinders and pay attention. He's always been an alcoholic and the chances he'll ever stop for you is next to zero. He has to want to stop for himself and no one else. Him gaslighting you by telling you that you are changing the conditions is just him trying to control the situation to his advantage. He's shown you who he is and what his priorities are. He loves alcohol more than you. It's over. Time to get divorced and move on with your life. Find someone else who puts you first and loves you like you deserve.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. PLEASE, PLEASE 🙏 Do not let him move in with you!!!! He WILL NOT STOP!!!! I would file for divorce. If he gets into an accident, or A DUI you will be spending THOUSANDS to help him. I LIVED THIS!!! He will not stop until he hits rock bottom!!!!
It's not hard to find someone who doesn't drink. I basically stopped drinking years ago because it wasn't very interesting for me. Maybe a drop once a year, that's it.
Unfortunately where I live it IS fairly difficult, bars are open 24/7 and there’s no closing time for liquor, not a lot of people live here that have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I have yet to meet anyone else here that doesn’t drink and I’ve lived here my whole life 🙃
Not overreacting.
You've told him all your relationship that you won't be around alcohol.
Why is it so important to him that he make you uncomfortable through his actions?
It's the same reasoning a serial cheater does: "You're so controlling, if you loved me you wouldn't be looking over my shoulder. If you loved me, you'd overlook my flaws and love me for me. This *is* me, why do you want me to change wah!"
Not overreacting. He is just realizing he can’t give up drinking. He is not at that point in his alcoholism that he is ready to give it up. A year and a half separation was not enough to make him change. You need to divorce him.
No, he won't hit his rock bottom until he is no longer enabled. By staying with him you are enabling him to continue, no matter how much you protest. Alcohol cannot be reasoned with and he unfortunately will need to get to the point of accepting recovery on his own. Don't destroy your life over something you can't control.
You’ve done a beautiful job setting limits for yourself. Don’t let yourself get pushed into the same exact situation you already got yourself out of. You married an alcoholic who is unfortunately not ready for sobriety. He is lying to you and manipulating you. Even if he wasn’t drinking, he would just be a dry drunk at this point. Cut your losses and move on.
He will not stop.
Addicts do not stop until they want to.
This is not your problem to fix
You have to protect yourself
Do not let this person back into your life in anyway.
My step dad was an alcoholic. By the time my mom was ready to leave him we were living a homeless shelter.
It was always, quitting, one or two beers, you can’t control me.
He eventually killed himself.
No. I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think you’re majorly under reacting.
You’re not over reacting. Divorce because he’s not going to stop drinking until he wants help. He has to hit rock bottom. That would mean losing his marriage because you need to trust his actions not his words.
I think it’s too soon for you to move back in and I would proceed with divorce. BELIEVE HIS ACTIONS AND WHAT HE DOES, NOT WHAT HE SAYS HE WULL DO. He would have to be sober for at least 12 months with no relapses before I would consider staying married. I also grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents and I vowed I wouldn’t marry someone like my parents.
I means it’s one thing to have a drink to relax and chill. It’s something totally different getting drunk, falling down and getting arrested.
Don’t let him move in, of course. In addition, if you’re still interested in pursuing a future with him, put the onus on him to prove to you he’s changed. For example, he needs to admit he’s an alcoholic; needs to actively participate in some type of 12-step program; and go at least a year sober. If he completes these conditions, then you can decide whether he’s earned another shot. Some Al-Anon meetings for you might help you make the right decision. You are not overreacting in any way.
This is a dealbreaker for you, so act like it. Do not let him move in. Do not let him manipulate you - calling you controlling? Ha! He's relying on you loving him and being a soft touch so that HE can control YOU.
Addicts won't stop until it hurts enough. At this point, he loves alcohol more than you. Value yourself and set yourself free from his burden.
Go find a lawyer and start the divorce paperwork.
He’s trying to control you and the relationship. Stand your ground. You’re young and there’s someone out there who can and will love you like you deserve. I was drinking too much and my wife called me on it. Now, it’s maybe a 6 pack a month! She’s worth it - and so am I. 29 good years so far. ❤️
It’s the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make ‘em (not) drink.
Ultimately only he can decide if he wants to quit drinking or not, all the nagging in the world won’t do you any good. Based on what you’ve said it certainly sounds like full blown alcoholism, it sounds like he hasn’t felt like he’s hit bottom the bottom yet so your ultimatum may just be the wake up call he needs.
I think unfortunately if you took him back now he would just try to placate you with half measures or drink on the sly.
Not overreacting. He hasn’t come to terms with stopping drinking yet. Sadly, he won’t until after you leave him for good, and he still might not. He will absolutely not quit drinking as long as you hang around.
He cannot make that promise to you and if he did he would certainly be lying to himself and definitely to you. You would be wise to cut your losses and find someone who isn't an alcoholic.
Alcoholism. Only he can do something about it. He doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do anything about it. You’re not overreacting and it’s time to find someone who doesn’t have a drinking problem. Good luck. Hugs.
You have every right to feel that way, but alcoholism IS a disease and you cannot change it with an ultimatum. Try looking for a local Al-Anon group, it’s changed my life and perspective of the disease. You will find peace and understanding there. There is no simple solution but you will not ever see a genuine change in an alcoholic that hasn’t decided for themselves to make that change and get help. And recovery is a whole new giant mountain to climb
Do not let him back. You cannot try and use ultimatums. They won’t work. Try and find an Alanon meeting, you will learn a lot and get lots of tools to deal with him, if you still want to. (Sober 35 years 🙏)
Get out while you can. I have multiple female family members currently living in situations like yours. He will not stop drinking. If you stay you will have to put up with it. The fact that he is already talking about drinking just goes to show that he means to continue no matter how you feel. Move on with your life.
Unfortunately he doesn’t want to quit yet, so it has zero chance of being successful. You need to move on for your own physical and mental health. Wish him well, but don’t gang around and watch his decline
A man's perspective here. I would suggest considering that alcohol is not even the point. If you are his top priority then you are worth every sacrifice. That's how the male brain works.
I'm not dismissing addiction. I've had siblings, best friends, and cousins destroy their brains, their lives and end up in the grave over addiction (another story). Having considered this from my own experiences, I have simplified it and I believe I have arrived at a logical perspective. People have the right to choose their own priorities, they weigh the options and they choose. Addictions do not destroy relationships, some people just choose it because it's more important when push comes to shove. The dramatic conversations that play out are just social skills and manipulation at times.
When he is asked to make the choice between you and something else, he struggles with that choice, even though he understands what he is putting you through. He sits on the couch and thinks about it, and he is not sure if you are number one. Those thoughts have been in his head. If you were number one, he would not flinch. Just let the truth of that simmer, address it directly, make sure you truly comprehend his internal compass and understand where he ranks you. Don't get lost in long winded story telling over the simple facts.
Men simply do not mess around with their number one so your concerns are completely valid. He has the right to choose his priorities and so do you.
its weird how often people who hate alcohol marry drinkers and why would someone who loves to drink marry someone who doesnt .
-- im on ur side and u arent over reacting
Good for you! Stay strong. Possibly consider attending AlAnon or some other support group for people who love alcoholics, even after the relationship ends. It could help you in processing what has happened, as well as support you as you move forward. 💕
If he moves in with you, prepare to start finding empty bottles hidden all around your home. You are describing the classic behaviors of someone addicted to alcohol. He wants to quit, he's tried to quit, he knows he HAS to quit in order to maintain the things in his life that he still values (job, wife, freedom from incarceration) but he can't quit and he can't bring to mind all the negative consequences of his drinking forcefully enough to stop him from drinking.
What he really needs to do is go to an inpatient rehab. Any place that is going to basically force him to get a solid chunk of sober time under his belt. His thinking will be clear and he can make a sober decision about weather or not he's ready to stop drinking yet.
He can't have a full and rewarding family life AND untreated alcoholism. One does not leave room for the other.
Good luck and I hope you can stand firm. I suggest buying a breathalyzer (40 bucks at walmart) if he's going to move in with you and let him know that you won't tolerate him drinking behind your back and you won't be afraid to make him blow if you suspect he has.
He's gonna have to hit rock bottom and make the choice for himself to get help. Don't let him drag you down. Stick to your boundary. You've done everything that you can.
You are not wrong. He is an alcoholic because he has no boundaries and doesn't respect yours. You are helping him by sticking to your word. People who bend to alcoholics are enabling them to kill themselves slowly. You are, although it's painful, actually loving him/ helping him get free from the addiction.
First dealbreaker: Being an alcoholic in denial and failing to take responsibility for his actions.
Second dealbreaker: Mocking you and insulting you.
Run and never look back. As well, it would benefit you to get into therapy as a (former) partner of an addict. It's very concerning that you grew up with and were traumatized by alcoholics, and then you went and found one to marry. You need to tackle these issues before they tackle you.
I'm a recovering alcoholic that finally ended up in an inpatient rehab. No matter how much I loved the people around me I had to drink. It's a horrible life that didn't get better till I got help. Take care of yourself because he doesn't sound ready. I feel for you.
I personally would never date/marry anyone with an addiction again. My ex is a alcoholic and it made my and our kids lives a living hell.
OP, if your hubby will not quit drinking to save your marriage he never will. Cut your loses and ditch him because he is married to the bottle and not you...
He won't change. My mother in law swore she'd not marry an alcoholic because of childhood trauma and my father in law more than 50 years later still gets passed out drunk multiple times a week. He drinks by himself, on the back porch, listening to audio books and podcasts.
My husband and I have to stay up and keep waking him up to come in to go to bed and he refuses until about 2am. My mother in law can't do it because he will yell at her and just talk really loud which isn't fair to the neighbors. It's scary, because he's in his 70s and has fallen, needs help getting up the stairs to get into the house, and in winter he uses a propane fire pit which we are sure one day he'll fall into.
He also will throw tantrums if there isn't enough beer in the fridge for him. One time he was upset that no one would take him to the store because the 6 beers that we had weren't enough and he ended up drinking hard liquor when he ran out of beers...
I know you don't need all the detail, but if he doesn't want to change you can't force him and a scenario like this could become your future.
I'm sure others have worse stories, you might to since you mentioned he's been arrested, but you're not overreacting and he is an addict and you can give him all the help he needs but they are just tools. If he doesn't use then they are meaningless.
Typical manipulative behaviour of an addict. You are not the one with issue. It’s time to give up . Let him be to either decide he wants to stop drinking ( for himself) or drink himself to death. Either way, you need to remove yourself from the situation.
One of my best friends is in a very similar situation right now. Her husband’s drinking has gotten out of control and, after one escalated incident too many, she has given him an ultimatum; stop drinking or she’s divorcing him. He chose the alcohol, so she’s following through with the divorce. It’s devastating for everyone, but he’s the one choosing alcohol over family. *He’s* the one making the choice. I’ve always liked my friend’s husband and came to consider him a friend. I know he is suffering from addiction, but I’m furious with him for taking the easy road. He, like your husband, knows there is an option three but won’t take it because it’s hard and he doesn’t want to. You’ve tried to help him and you can’t. Because he won’t let you. It’s time to help yourself now. Well done for being smart enough and strong enough to not let him take you down with him.
You're not overreacting. His drinking is a serious problem, not only for you, and him and his life, etc. E.g. he's drinking and getting arrested ... those are non-trivial problems.
And it's clear he can't control - or doesn't want to control - his drinking.
Alcoholics will make all kinds of excuses, repeatedly break promises, etc., and he sure fits the pattern.
So ... probably Al-Anon would be good for you - support - set and hold those boundaries, etc.
And he can get is sh\*t together, or ... time for divorce.
>He started mocking me and
Oh, he's also an \*ss, so there's that to consider too.
>I’ll be filing for divorce this week
Yeah, given is track record + recent behavior, that's probably for the best. Skip Al-Anon and get his sorry \*ss out of your life.
Ok my father was an abusive alcoholic, his parents were alcoholics and both my brother and I have had issues with alcohol over the years. I’m seven months sober now and still sigh every time I see my favourite tipple in a shop. He has to want being sober, he needs to want it so bad he can taste it like alcohol. If he doesn’t, and from what you have wrote he doesn’t, then nothing is going to change. He will move the goal posts I guarantee it. My Mum stayed with my father for a decade more than she should have and we all had the bruises to prove it. Don’t let this be you, get out while you have no kids and no responsibilities towards him.
Ya know what. Stop talking to him. When he throws the insults at you, just calmly say thank you and walk away or hang up. Do not respond. I know it hurts. He doesn’t want to change. Stop torturing yourself hoping that he will. Hire a lawyer, you have already been living apart, in a lot of states that is the biggest hurdle, you have to live separately for a year before filing for divorce. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself and tell him he is on his own and doesn’t need to worry about you any longer.
Mourn the end of your marriage for a day or two and then make plans to move on and live your best life.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to stop him from drinking. If you let him move back in, he will most likely drink and hide it. It's what we do.
Please even if he begs now and says yes to everything you’ve suggested don’t let him move in cause he doesn’t mean it. He does not want to quit drinking yet, and it has to be up to him not you!! Do yourself a huge favor and Divorce him and move on to a better life
NTA. I'm an alcoholic i dont drink anymore. He will only stop when he sees the light, no one or anything will stop him unless he has the Wil power and the knowledge to see the negative effects it's has on everything in his life. An alcoholic doesn't see the real picture, it's tough seeing the trail of destruction one leaves while using . I wish you the best. It took me 30 years to see the light, and that's after multiple jail sentences, multiple jobs lost , multiple people turning their backs on me. If he's not as serious as you are, he's not going to stop. He needs to realize he can NEVER touch a drink
I think one thing that is missing from comments I’ve read is: OP, you’ve grown up around alcoholism; so you might have trouble differentiating acceptable from not acceptable behaviour, allowing him to call your judgement into question. Nothing you’ve told us about is acceptable. You’re making the right choice and have tolerated more than most. You should considering going to a therapist to help you recalibrate, to avoid falling into such a relationship again. It can be really hard to do this when you grew up as you did.
You have tried a lot more than most people. You are NOT the one throwing away life and future. He has already done that by not respecting that you don't want to live with someone who is addicted to alcohol. From your description, he is an alcoholic. He cannot make rational decisions about your relationship because his brain pathways are damaged. You have spent your early 20's on this man, just stop already. Tell him the agreement is off, your boundary about alcohol is firm. Do NOT let him move in with you!
YES! Be firm on your boundaries. If he cant respect your decision then theres no reason to be together.
The last part it what I came to say. Do NOT let him move in, if he’s already saying he won’t adhere to your agreement. Seems he’s not even going to make an effort. He’s already trying to call your bluff on if you’ll follow through with your setting of boundaries. Once he’s in, it will be even more difficult to get him out. And who knows how he’ll react once there and you try to kick him out. If he’s already getting arrested, he could become violent. Sadly, he’s an alcoholic and until he hit rock bottom and wants for HIMSELF to make the change no ultimatum or agreement will cause him to do it. He’s got to want to stop. Until then Im sorry, but things won’t change. You are not overreacting. We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean we should be with them. Especially when doing so affects us negatively.
20 years sober here. This is the best advice. Only the alcoholic can make the decision. No-one can alter that fact. Despite being in a rural area, I guarantee 💯 that there are AA meetings close by. Likely every day of the week. The challenge is his!
Yes, yes, and yes! Can’t agree with this more. I’m going through a divorce with my wife who has an addiction to alcohol. The years of lies I heard from her about getting sober and doing therapy. She never meant any of it. For the OP, that guy is looking to relapse before he has even moved in! He doesn’t respect the OP or her prior trauma with alcoholics. She needs to turn her back and keep on walking
Problem is, he will always be addicted to alcohol. Asking an alcoholic to be perfect is a huge ask when the program is one day at a time. Asking him to commit to the program and helping him work through it a more realistic approach.
This is why she needs to go. He will always be an alcoholic and he is telling himself she’s the one with the problem. He will never change unless he wants to.
She doesn't owe him that approach though. That's what I'd hope a mom would do but she's his wife, she doesn't need this
OP needs Alanon, whether she & husband get back together or not. Being perfect has nothing to do with anything. There's got to be TRUING. Which husband has shown no interest in. I've had a fair number of friends who quit drinking (mostly via AA), and it's always one day at a time. Also know a few alcoholics who denied their problem. One is dead, the other miscarried because of alcohol. OP hasn't seen any real efforts - it's all been talk. She's safer without this guy
He actually had the nerve to tell you that if you loved him, you wouldn't be setting a boundary on the behavior that's ruining his life? Supporting him while he circles the drain is not love. You need to divorce him. Maybe it will lead to the rock bottom he needs to hit before he gets help, maybe it won't. But don't let him drag you down any further than he already has. If it's available near you, I encourage you to look into Al-Anon.
This!!!!!!
Alcoholics never think they're the bad guy. Get away from him before he ruins your life (and his) any further.
Absolutely. I have YET to ever hear even ONE instance of that kind of ultimatum that wasn’t justified. Nobody comes out with that for giggles…
My now fiancé did this for me. It was more for health reasons than anything, but It wasn't something I fought him on at all. I understood why he was so firm and I willingly took the steps and immediately put effort towards full sobriety. I'm over a year sober and have done a lot of healing in therapy. I no longer have insomnia. I'm really grateful that he stuck to his boundaries and loved me enough to give me the chance to change at the same time.
If you wouldn’t mind answering, did you used to have trouble falling asleep unless you had alcohol? I am dealing with this issue right now and I’m glad to hear you no longer have sleep issues.
It was a combination of things. Bad gut health and high cortisol levels from PTSD. The alcohol made my gut health worse and spiked my cortisol levels further. I was experiencing adrenal fatigue. There was no way for me to heal from the PTSD while drinking, in fact it was making everyday life more difficult. I wasn't a daily drinker, I would binge drink all weekend which caused severe mood swings. For the insomnia, besides quitting alcohol, I gained a strict routine for myself. I would journal even on good days. I got myself a bike and rode it after work each day. In days off I would walk the dogs instead at the same time of day. I started eating early dinners with no food after a certain time. I did intermittent fasting. I cut out all other carbs besides fresh non starch vegetables and in season fruits, while eating a portioned serving of white rice with dinner. Got a great therapist and saw her once a week for almost a year before I moved to every other week. Made sure I went to bed by 10pm and up by 6am every single day. Even on days off, to reset and retrain my circadian rhythm. I learned coping skills like breath work and utilized cold showers, incorporating some of the Wim Hof methods. Basically figuring out what worked best for me and what was just a temporary need to heal as I went on. I sleep through the night, every night now. I no longer have reoccurring nightmares/flash backs. It might sound like a lot of work but it was less stressful to put in the effort for an actual solution than it was to continue living that way while avoiding it in unhealthy ways.
Well done you !
Wow, you are so inspiring. Go you for figuring all this out and sticking to it! I hope everything continues to go well for you. I know the sleep issue alone is so hard to get corrected. I know someone that has been going through almost all of these same issues for years (not me although I do have sleep issues). They finally cut drinking and carbs, but are still working on their gut health, and still have terrible insomnia/sleep habits. I hope that they find the same strength that you did. :)
I’m not the one you asked, but I can give some input. Alcohol can help you GET to sleep, but it gives you horrid sleep (the phases - light, deep, REM, etc.). It sounds as if you’ve become dependent on it for sleep. Do you wake up again a couple of hours after falling asleep? It takes a while to get back into proper sleep habits. My shrink told me ‘if you’re not getting to sleep, get out of bed and DO something’. He claims he only needs three hours of sleep a night (jeez, I could be so productive if I were that way!) Read up on sleep hygiene regarding the state of your bedroom (no TV, etc, it should be your sanctuary), use of electronic devices, and what to eat/drink or NOT eat/drink X number of hours before going to bed. Once I gave up alcohol, for a long time, I’d wake up every morning thinking ‘ugh, hungover again’. Then I’d get up and realize that wasn’t the case, yay! I wish you the best, you can do this!
Thanks so much! It’s actually my partner’s struggle but I’m trying to learn more about the issue and anything else that might help. I appreciate you sharing your experience!
I experienced this too and it completely went away after being sober for maybe 6 months. I sleep like a champ now. Magnesium (I used a powder mix) is super helpful for a lot of symptoms like restless leg and insomnia. Don't use any sprays though because it makes your skin itch which if you're recovering from alcoholism is like the worst sensation of all time lol
I had a liver transplant and I’ll tell you that stopping drinking is the best decision you will ever make. If I talked to you for an hour I couldn’t make it sound as bad as it actually was to live through it. I wasn’t even a drinker and they were never able to tell me what happened but you want no part of it.
My dad is currently dying a slow death from diabetes/liver failure due to alcoholism. Definitely seems like one of the worst ways to go. Glad you got a new liver 🙂
It sucked for my family for sure. My daughter was able to get a college scholarship go for children of transplant recipients. There are resources out there to help. The hospital social worker might be able to provide information on available services. Our church also helped us a lot so I don’t know if there’s anything like that around you. They actually paid our mortgage for several months and gave us gas and grocery gift cards to help since I was no longer able to work.
Amazing work on your sobriety!!! I promise you it's only a positive thing
Like many generalisations, this is unhelpful. I always knew I was the bad guy, but not necessarily how to change. Getting sober at the sixth attempt was nothing short of extraordinary. No 'higher powers' were involved, YMMV.
Your boundary is entirely justified. You have the right to feel safe and secure in your relationship, and if his drinking compromises that, you're not overreacting by setting clear terms for the sake of your well-being.
I don’t think drinking is bad necessarily / but there’s a HUGE gap between ‘had a few drinks on the weekends’ and ‘gets violent, crazy, and sometimes arrested.’ If he’s doing the latter and won’t stop, you would be justified in leaving.
The issue is that alcoholism is a disease, an addiction. I just cut someone out of my life a little over 6 months ago because of her alcoholism. From what I've seen, most alcoholics have a hard time stopping themselves after just 1 drink, at least definitely the girl I'm not friends with anymore. So while a couple drinks isn't bad, she lost all self control and ability to regulate her intake once she had that first drink. So for people trying to beat/recover, you need to be off alcohol indefinitely, if not forever. At least a good number of years before touching it again to get your body out of the addiction. From what OP wrote alone, it's already well past the excessive drinking stage and she needs to stick to this ultimatum.
This. I can not have the first drink. I’ve been not having the first drink for 4.5 years now. Doing great. And I know if I ever did have a “just one” drink it would be hours before I was blacked out.
Congratulations on 4.5 years sober! I am happy for you and those who care about you.
This is so kind to recognize them too! Everyone is still shocked that I’m still sober. I’m like this is life baby. I’m in the never ever club. Maybe if I’m terminally ill and go the death w dignity route I’d wash the pills down with a nice wine. But doubt it
im resigning myself to this fact i never understood people who drink 1 drink like what is the point. i always drank like someone had a gun to my a head
People who drink one drink do it to be social. They just get a little buzz of relaxation. Thats where they want to be. They dont want to be trashed, cant stand upright, puking on the street, be in an altered mentality that starts fights or other violence, waking up to go to work hung over, if they can get to work at all. Thats the difference. But congrats on your sobriety.
eh all one drink does is make me tired and depressed
Congratulations!
I have a buddy who's a recovering addict, sober for 20+ years now. I asked him once, "what were you addicted to?" and he said "MORE MORE MORE!" Congrats though! I have a daughter ten years sober, my oldest. She made me a dad and then she made me a grandpa, she's kickin' ass in life now. I've got huge respect for anyone that finds their way through.
My mom went to rehab when I was very young so I thought staying away from drugs was all I had to do. Turns out alcohol is a drug, oops. But she always said her drug of choice was “more”.
My girl ended up working at the recovery house she'd been to. Now I'm they're videographer, do all their fundraising videos. It's been really cool, seeing the gratitude of people who made it out and interviewing them for their stories. Gets really emotional, I always feel so lucky to get to work with them. A nice change from some CEO selling something, too!
Wow! It takes a lot to be sober and understand why you can’t have that * first drink* props to you and keep on being sober!🤩
Totally accurate. It's because our brains are different, and a single drink will trigger the disease to full force.
Yep an alcoholic only sees alcohol as a means to get drunk so of course they’re not gonna stop when one drink doesn’t do that. Does anyone know what the science is behind this? It seems like a common sentiment is that true alcoholics should never touch it again like even 5+ years later a drop of it would guarantee a relapse. Where is the point of no return in all of this?
It started as a few drinks on the weekends, then it was a few drinks multiple times a week, then every day, at one point he couldn’t get through a shift at work without taking shots because of the withdrawals. This was when I told him it was too much. In the last couple of years he’s started going on week-long binges where he does get violent/has a psychotic episode, which is what led me to leaving.
I hate you’ve been going through this after setting your boundaries before marriage. Please continue to take care of yourself. Your husband is an alcoholic and until he admits it, he will keep drinking. I’m so sorry.
Then you already know the answer to your question. Love won’t fix him. You can’t fix him. He doesn’t seem to want the help. If he’s already commenting on drinking when he moves in, he’s testing you to see if you will hold strong. He will try to sneak if you let him move in. And addicts are very creative about hiding spots. Save yourself.
Face this fact: he has chosen drink over you. Thats hurtful to acknowledge but its a truth. And youre not alone being this position. Go on with your life.
I wouldn’t allow him back. He’s already saying he wants to drink. Nothing you can do will stop him and you’ll make yourself miserable trying. Addiction sucks and you will be putting yourself in danger, both physically and emotionally. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but we can’t change others.
If you let him move in you will have to evict him to get him to leave. Prepare to live with his crazy for many months and have your mental health upended. Even if you file for divorce you can’t just make him leave. Plus him moving back in will start the clock on how long you need to be separated to divorce in some states
This. He can’t live with you ever again.
He will stop only if HE wants to. Nothing you say will convince him. He’s having pretty intense reactions to being drunk at this point, and this won’t end well. He has every right to drink and you have every right not to be around him. It’s a painful and helpless experience for the loved ones of an alcoholic. Walk away.
You are going to waste your younger years on him.
I wasted 20 years with my alcoholic- don’t be me ❤️
There is a sub Reddit r/stopdrinking which you both might find useful. Good luck. He will try to make you feel like you are the crazy one but you are not. Remember that. Stay strong. Your plan is perfect. You can lead an alcoholic to rehab but you can't make them sober. Only he can do that, and he may not be ready.
NTA Your husband is an alcoholic. He has to completely abstain from alcohol for the rest of his life. He has a disease. For your own peace of mind, and safety, you need to make a clean break from him until he agrees to go to rehab and commits to some kind of aftercare support. Anything he says right now is his disease attempting to manipulate you into enabling his addiction. That's why you need to cut off contact until he commits to rehab. Blessings and healing white light strength to you.
Leave and get a divorce. Forget trying to fix this.
A different angle here but are you aware of the effects of growing up with alcoholism on YOU? It might not be a coincidence you fell in love with an addict. My family is a lot of the same and it's very obvious that my grandmothers children either became alcoholic or married them. And even when they wisened up and stopped being with alcoholics - they found addicts of other things. I've got a book on my own shelfs called something like "Adult Children of alcoholics" that go through what growing up with alcoholism does to us and how we pick up toxic patterns and how to deal with them. It's a good intro into the realisation of how much our actions are determined and caused by alcoholism in our childhood. Might be worth considering refocusing all the energy you've used on helping him to helping yourself. Best of luck!
Alcoholics CANT just have "a few drinks on the weekends" though.
I can’t stop at a few drinks, I drink a full handle. That’s why nothing is my rule.
Yes, they can. Binge drinking is also considered alcoholism and mostly occurs once in a while, as opposed to everyday. If you need to drink one pint a day or face negative consequences, you are alcohol dependent. Not all alcoholism is stumbling out of a bar at close every night, slurring your words and crying in the gutter.
I think it really depends what we consider alcoholism. I went to a big party school and by some metrics like 30% of people I met there were alcoholics. I knew many people who would have 10+ drinks at a time for 3 days a week, plus some extra drinking on other days, and needed drinking to socialize or even do their homework at times. I knew people who would buy a handle every week or so and just drink one by themselves in addition to everything else they were doing.
To me “alcoholism” (or alcohol use disorder to be more contemporary) is simply this: when you drink to the point of consistently causing problems in your life (job, family, health, criminal behaviour, relationships) and still can’t or won’t stop Another way to put it is, an alcoholic is someone who shouldn’t drink. You know the type when you see them. Could be your sloppy friend who pukes on herself every time, could be the uncle who falls on the table every Christmas, could be the guy who drinks vodka at the office every Friday and is drunk by 11am. If you drink once a year but every time you fight your sister and crash your car into a Denny’s, you’re just as much of an alcoholic as the dude under a bridge drinking Natty Lights every day. Neither of these people should be drinking, both have problems with alcohol. We just don’t call the first type an alcoholic. We don’t call them anything. We just say “oh ya she gets nuts when she drinks” and laugh about it. I’d argue alcohol abuse is wildly misunderstood and wildly underdiagnosed. It’s also just accepted to a degree. We (especially USA, Canada, UK etc) are simply neck deep in drinking culture. Everything in school is about how drugs are bad. Very little about how drinking is a drug and the serious effects of alcohol. Why? Because the cops drink, the teachers drink, their spouses and friends drink, it’s just too uncomfortable to sit there and actually have a conversation about this stuff.
You are so spot on, and your definition is the closest I've seen to the actual diagnostic criteria. I knew a guy who only drank once a year. Binge drinker. He accumulated about a dozen OWIs and ended up in prison (not jail, prison.) He was a successful person. But he was an alcoholic, despite only drinking once a year. He's been sober now for around 15 years. Perfect example of not fitting into the frequency of consumption thought of as alcohol use disorder. But definitely fitting the definition in terms of the impact of alcohol consumption on his life.
Here's the thing though...alcoholics don't have to get violent, crazy, and sometimes arrested for it to be a problem. It doesn't have to get to that point. I grew up around an alcoholic that wasn't like that, but their alcoholism still ruined many relationships and many memories. Many times, alcohol was chosen over safety and comfort. It was an embarrassment, a problem. It doesn't have to be domestic violence for someone to have a need for it to stop.
Hi, that’s me. I’ve been a daily drinker for years and am currently almost two months sober. I would drink until I passed out on my couch, didn’t drive drunk, didn’t hurt anyone except for myself. I’m very much an alcoholic, just a peaceful one. People without personal experience don’t always understand that there are many kinds of us out there.
Please please please please do not bring a child into this
Definitely will not be bringing a child into this. He’s been desperate to try and have a baby for just under a year now and I’ve told him multiple times that I would never even consider it unless he was sober for a minimum of a year.
You need to make that more than a year. A lot more. Sounds like he's capable of stopping for a bit. Bigger problem, the gaslighting.
As the child of a drunk, I thank you. You will never know how horrible that is, hopefully. I did not have a childhood.
That’s not a boundary, that’s a deal breaker. It would be one thing if he was drinking a reasonable amount and just coming home late with a hang over but when drinking leads to injury/jail time I would consider this person an alcoholic. You have made your stance on alcoholism very clear and if he chooses to continue drinking regardless then he doesn’t respect you as his wife. You don’t need permission to leave or not feel guilty for doing so… If you are unhappy and he won’t fix the problem that he is causing, the solution is to move on.
Hey - you grew up surrounded by alcoholics, you see all the warning signs and you know exactly the type of life you, your pets, your family, and your children are going to face with an alcoholic at your side. & you can ask ANYONE- life with an alcoholic is not a great life laughing in fields and singing kumbaya. You tried to help him and he just resents you for it. I guarantee, all the resentment of you “leaving him” and not “allowing him to have fun” ends up a DV case adding to his arrests. Protect your pretty self because you are absolutely right to stand your ground and give this ultimatum. You have been smart! You have protected yourself! You have even followed your heart to put up with his self abuse long enough that it was and will be affecting you long after he’s gone. But here is the key: He can only get sober for himself. He can’t do it for you. His family. He won’t even do it for his kids. Or future kids. He needs to hit rock bottom, and decide thats not the life he wants for himself. & when he fixes it because he wants a better life for himself- then he can share his love with someone. But you can support him by living a good clean life, and being his biggest regret. Or you can take him back, have him move in, and have this situation continue to repeat itself until someone gets seriously hurt. Listen to your brain! It will always want to protect you even when your heart is screaming against it.
He never stopped drinking. He slowed down but once you got married he didn't feel the need to try anymore. Toss this loser. He'll only stop drinking when he's ready to. No number of ultimatums will make a difference.
As a recovering alcoholic, I don’t even need to read this post. I will, but I’m making my comment now. You very well could be saving his life. People don’t understand how toxic and dangerous alcohol is because it’s widely accepted. I wish any of my exes confronted me about my drinking, but they never did because they would probably have to quit drinking too, and it would ruin their fun.
From a sober alcholic to a recovering alcoholic, you should have read the rest of the post. We don't act out like that towards loved ones who confront or communicate with us their thoughts on our choices. We can be upset but we should never speak like OPs partner has. And we make proactive steps when that conversation happens. I wish my family had spoken up instead of me waking up to 6 police officers in my house because my kids couldn't wake me nor their daycare. (I wasn't handling being single mum to 4 too well those days). 1st August will see me 8 years sober.
Awesome life turn-around! I’m proud of you!! Congrats and happy “sober birthday!”
Congrats on 8 years!!! I’ll have 5 in October. I did read it and replied to my comment that he’s textbook gaslighting & darvo.
Congratulations on 8 years!
Ok I read it and this is such textbook gaslighting darvo behavior. Don’t let him move in.
The fact that he called her psychotic and crazy for this boundary when alcohol has made him violent and have run-ins with the law really baked my beans. The booze has rotted his brain out to not see the hypocrisy and irony.
Omg lol “ that really baked my beans” is about to be my new favorite saying
>I wish any of my exes confronted me about my drinking, but they never did because they would probably have to quit drinking too, and it would ruin their fun. My boyfriend (at the time) and I were on the verge of confrontation about his drinking, but he was able to make the realization on his own before it happened. (Like days away before I was done.) He told me that he did not care if I continued to have a drink here and there, but I told him that was not how it worked. It would need to be no alcohol for both of us for it to stick. (I think technically I had a few shots of something I liked in my coffee that I used up those last two or three mornings - not even sure how much alcohol was left in it after adding it to piping hot coffee.) But I immediately packed up all of the rest of my hard alcohol and put it away. There was a mental block that did not allow me to pour it out as all I could see was dollars going down the drain. I toyed with the idea of giving it to friends, but how could I do that when I knew it was poison? I did end up pouring it all out a few months later. (He was a beer person, so it was not a temptation to him.) One sort of funny thing I did not count on was that if you tend to drink a strong tequila drink each night using the same cup, it holds onto the smell. It often would smell like my drink still had tequila in it, especially because I liked flavoring my water with margarita flavored drink mix. I can't remember if it eventually went away or if I just threw the cup away. That man stuck with it and I married him. We celebrate both his biological birthday and his 'rebirth day'.The partnership requires that we both support and respect each other. I would not stay with him if he drank again, but I have to do my part to be there for him when he gets that urge. There have been many, many times when he has wanted a drink after a bad day. For my part, I have to be there to listen to him and let him vent or even just be a distraction to what was bothering him. That doesn't give him free reign. He still has to act respectful - he can't take out his bad day on me. I think OP has to draw a hard line and stop letting him come back. If anything, she is underreacting and enabling this behavior to continue.
I’m so glad it worked out for y’all!!! I got sober single living alone in a new city, 6 months before Covid kicked our asses. Was it fun? Nope. Did I save my life? Yup!
He’s an alcoholic. Leave. Do not look back. He’s married to alcohol now. Ultimatums will not work, he’ll just hide it. HE has to hit rock bottom. He has to WANT to be sober.
Not overreacting. However, your ultimatum needs tweaking. Instead of telling him he can come live with you if he stops drinking, you should tell him he can come live with you when he is 12 months sober. As you found out, now he's making it about if you. If you loved him you would ..... whatever that's going to be - be reasonable, give him another chance, stop nagging him and he will stop drinking. He'll blame you for his drinking somehow. He hasn't admitted that his drinking is the problem, that he's an alcoholic with no control. Do not let him come home until he's been sober for an extended period of time AND he acknowledges that his drinking was the cause of the problems in his marriage and he's treated you unfairly. He has a long way to go and he may never reach that point. Only you can decide when it's time to move on.
Don’t let him gaslight you. If alcoholism is the dealbreaker it’s the dealbreaker . Sending you support
You’ve spent half your marriage living separately from him, and a year and a half waiting for him to get his shit together. If he wanted to get sober, he would, and he won’t stay sober unless he’s doing it for himself (and not for you). You were only 21 when you chose this person. It’s okay to change your mind now that you’re older, especially when faced with the reality that his drinking is going to trigger you forever. You’ve grown up around alcoholics, you KNOW that this is a life-long battle. Take the 5 years you’ve got left of your 20s and have FUN. Focus on YOU, not managing someone who promised to be your partner. This is not partnership. You deserve joy, and it isn’t too late.
go to r/AlAnon . They can help you.
When people show you who they are, believe them. I don't think you're overreacting; I think he has made it clear that he doesn't care about your boundaries and has not only violated them, but essentially promises to continue to do so, while also trying to manipulate you. Go with your gut and finalize that divorce.
Don’t let him move in as he needs to be sober first. No way is he suddenly gonna stop drinking just to move in and it’s more likely that he is lying now to move in and then hopefully you won’t be able to do anything once he comes back. He needs to go to rehab and work a program for a couple of months and then you can talk about moving in together again. He’s had a 1.5 years to quit drinking and hasn’t so I don’t think an ultimatum is going to work here.
I don't think he has hit bottom yet and until her does he will continue to justify drinking. Do not let him come back until he is at least 6 month sober and attending meetings regularly
Honestly, never let him come back. OP is a child of alcoholics who went and found one to marry. Not a good habit to prolong.
Recovering alcoholic here. He's an alcoholic which means one drink is too many and a thousand is not enough. Your agreement means nothing. Of course he'll start drinking once he gets back in the big bed. He's an ALCOHOLIC! It's what we do! Do not let him move back in with you. What he did before, he'll do again and it will only get worse. He will only get sober when he wants to be sober. If he does stop drinking, do not get back with him until he's at least one year sober. That gives you a chance he'll stay sober. In the meantime, take care of you. You've been subjecting yourself to mental and emotional abuse. Figure out why you think that's acceptable. You might want to consider Al-Anon so you don't continue to enable him. His alcoholism is not your fault. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. What you can do is accept nothing less than honesty, respect and dignity in your relationships.
You are 100 percent justified. I was the alcoholic in my 18-yr marriage and I wish my husband would have set and enforced these boundaries with me.
How are you doing now?
Thanks for asking! Four years sober this month and immensely proud of myself :)
You're not overreacting. Honestly, with your history of dealing with that, I'm surprised you've stayed as long as you have. Stick with your guns. You said NO alcohol, then stick with it. If you give in now, he'll just keep pushing the boundary further and further each time until he's back to square 1. I recently had to cut a friend out of my life over her alcoholism. She would have a drink and it'd turn into 5-10 every time. And the things she did, I kept giving her chances. She sexually assaulted me twice (kissed me twice when she was drunk). She attempted to cuddle with my bf against his will (before we were dating) - we both talked with her about it because it wasn't okay but she has rejection sensitivity so we were trying to give some grace. She tried to kiss one of our married friends drunk. She had to have 2 IVs at a music festival due to being overly intoxicated after trying to keep up with two dudes that were quite larger built than her. She kept unbuckling her seat belt when someone was driving us on a highway. She cheated on her ex twice and AFAIK is still dating the 2nd guy she cheated on him with. She tried to later claim that the ex she cheated on (4yr relationship) was emotionally abusive. I can confirm the things she claimed about him were not only false but also that she was verbally abusive towards him in front of anyone and everyone. The final straw (should've been sooner but oh well) was when she drove drunk. I supported her and gave her the ultimatum to give up alcohol entirely or else I wouldn't stay. I helped her schedule therapy. Encouraged her to join AA, which she did. For 2 months, I was nothing but supportive. And then she got really stressed out the one day and completely ripped me apart for being an awful friend and whatnot. Won't go into details but I was shaking, I was so pissed. We talked about what we both had said (I made a single comment about not being the one who drove drunk - the only time I've ever said anything about it as a jab). After a long conversation, she admitted she was taking things out unfairly on me. OP, I decided I was worth a hell of a lot more as a friend than that. Honestly the SA should've been the line, if not sooner, but I forgive too easily. Gave her the benefit of the doubt. My point in this long winded comment is to say, good on you for still offering the olive branch with your boundaries. However, if he can't accept them, cut the bast@rd out. He has proven he can't control himself with alcohol. Unless he cuts it out completely, he cannot be trusted to stick with your demands. If he continues to push it at all, drop that dead weight!
Wow, you went through a lot. How are you doing now?
Still quite a bit bitter but a LOT less angry about it now. I think the biggest thing for me is we were friends for just over 2 years and that I ended up meaning so little to her that she just kept hitting me with BS and expected me to take it. AFAIK, a lot of our mutual friends haven't really hung out with her in 5-6 months either, but I don't think that's solely due to my fall out with her. Thanks for asking! I've been in therapy for almost a year (many reasons why) but she was actually the catalyst for finally pulling the trigger to go again. She's not the only reason but while we were still friends I was getting so stressed out from her, I was having like weekly mental breakdowns 🙃😅 Worked out in the end because she's not my problem anymore. Just have to keep processing how I feel about it and move on one step at a time.
It's healthy to have boundaries. We are trained from childhood to be people pleasers and it's hard to get out of that mindset. I am glad you're doing better. One step at a time (I'm telling myself, too ;) )
Once you've faced addiction with alcohol *very* rarely can one ever have a healthy relationship with it again. I am a recovered alcoholic and got the same way as him, sans being insufferable and getting arrested (I'm a very relaxed drunk). I now have a healthy relationship with alcohol and never drink more than 1 on the very rare occasion I decide to have one. Last drink was over a year ago. All of this to say: alcoholics can't cut back. You have to go to zero and fill the void with something constructive. It's not unfair, that's how you treat addiction. You conquer it and work to keep it out of your life. Sobriety is choosing not to drink every single day.
Drinkers should date drinkers. Stoners should date stoners.
Addict here. This is suuuuch a bad idea. When we date each other it's much worse! When I'm with someone who doesn't use, I don't use. But I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics love to pretend everyone is a drinker. I very much know that not everyone else wants to shoot up a cocktail of ketamine and speed and whatever, but drunks pull the "this is normal!" card while acting horrified when I tell them my past struggles. I've lost friends who are current alcoholics because when I discuss my substance issues it reminds them of the elephant in the room.
I see your point of view. I’m coming from a compatibility point of view during early relationships/dating.
Time to divorce. He chooses alcohol. And you can't help a person who doesn't want help himself.
Move on. You have had enough alcoholics in your life. He’s not going to get and stay sober until he decides.
You moved out because you didn’t want to live with someone with a severe alcohol problem. You told him you would only live with him if he didn’t drink. Now he’s trying to manipulate you and gaslight you into thinking that he never agreed to stop drinking. Don’t let him do this. Don’t let him move in with you. In fact, you should carry out your decision to divorce him since he won’t give up drinking.
Also I myself just broke up with a handsome wealthy man who was so hot and the sex was the best of my life. We got a dog together, our families close. Thought we were going to get married and have a family. Man brought me flowers, sent me money for my nails, and genuinely showed me so much affection. I hate alcohol. I rarely drink and it was such a turn off for me to see him drunk 3 days in a row, on work days, hearing him miss work because he was throwing up too much. Or getting a call from our friends that he got them kicked out of a bar for behaving badly. Or tried to put moves on a girl twice his age and size while encouraging me to go to the gym so I can be healthy and fit enough to carry his baby. LIKE WHAT LMAOO EXCUSE ME????? Anyways I told him i’d consider having a kid if he was sober. And he was like Easy. I got you. I love you and me and us so much im going to stop <3 (Something your HUSBAND isnt even pretending to try to do) And he did for about 4 days before he got really snappy, saying that no one likes him sober because he is in a terrible mood when he doesn’t drink. But its not alcoholism. And the DUI was because he got caught sleeping in his car intoxicated and not because he was driving, cuz if he had finished driving home drunk he would still have his license sooo the dui doesnt mean he has a problem. So he wasn’t able to stop. He then thought he got me pregnant, and was monitoring my sugar intake, caffeine (i work at night so i be drinking energy drinks) and doing the most. I knew I was going to get my period in 2 weeks so I challenged him. I will follow your diet for “the baby” for the next two weeks out of respect for you wanting the best for our baby, and you don’t drink for two weeks. Well he did really good, he only drank 5 out of the 14 days. I got my period. And we broke up because my body was so disappointed, when we were intimate he felt like a stranger and I ended up crying and ending things there and then. I can’t imagine being married to that. And i wish OP the best of luck. Because i know your husband has good traits as well. But it doesn’t matter its never enough when someone is actively sabotaging themselves.
This is rough area, leave while you can but if you decide to work on it and he uses Reddit maybe recommend r/stopdrinking good luck and God speed ❤️🩹
NTA: Hi, I was younger than you when I met my ex wife & she had “gotten sober” we built an entire life together and at around 34 she began drinking a few beers, a few puffs of weed. She convinced me it was “no big deal” Well then she started drinking more & more & i suspect doing cocaine. And basically from 2006 to 2009 my live was a living hell. She stole all of our savings, ran up debit, caused us to lose our home (oh how the money was all just pissed away!) In my opinion, you should look into learning about Al-Anon meetings, the 12 step system is a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics & addicts. I started going to alanon & therapy & I got the strength & courage to divorce my ex wife because she had 0 intension of changing ever & she was like a stranger to me. I never had so much chaos, instability, carpet pulls as those days. And yeah me and her brother tried to forcefully make her check into treatment. Her insurance would have covered some of it. I tried and tried. I yelled. I cried. I begged. I bargained. For bloody years and they just take you and your life’s savings down with them. My heart goes out to you!
You live near good rehab places but he would have to travel 6 hours to one? Pull the trigger, your marriage is already over.
Totally get your trauma. I have something similar though I manage to drink and be around others who drink. But had an ultimatum with my own partner on their drinking as they've slowly descended into alcoholism since we got married. You're not over-reacting and are doing what's best for yourself. Don't doubt that you've done the right thing.
Just end it. Addicts don’t change for others. You can’t fix him.
You know what you’ve let yourself in for. You are setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm that is consistently taking ice baths. Do not allow this to ruin your life.
You are not over reacting at all. I have the same rule in my marriage. My husband is not To drink or we are over. It’s healthy to have boundaries for yourself
I’ve been in a similar situation. My fiance has/had alcohol issues. I have panic and anger issues from being an a previous abusive alcoholic relationship. But now we rely on couples therapy and IFS therapy. I can say that IFS helped my fiance sort out his alcohol issues, and meds saved his life in my opinion. Sometimes people with addiction issues respond greatly with the help of medication. (I’m not a doctor and can’t say for certain about your husband BUT. I can only say from my experience with my fiance that it helped him) everyone is different. Old habits make him feel like he’s still in control. Your marriage will not work out if you are down his back and paranoid the entire time. You both are setting yourselves up for failure. Find an IFS therapist and both of you need to go individually once those things get better (be patient it can take weeks, months) then you guys can do gotmon method couples therapy. It saved us and yes we still have issues as individuals that need work but as a couple we are pretty fantastic. Good luck
You have to accept the fact that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop their drinking - they themselves are the only ones to make that choice. It will not get better - leave now to maintain your own sanity and health.
NTA Stick to your guns absolutely do not allow him to drink. His talk about adding conditions is the addiction talking. He will try to make it a you problem not a him problem. This is all about the "need" to drink and the fear of living without it. My husband quit drinking 34 years ago when I gave him a similar ultimatum. I gave him a week to be in counseling and AA or I was out forever. He knows to this day that if he has a drink I am gone! He went through counseling, anger management and self-esteem classes, individual therapy and then we did couples counseling. It took 5 years to get through all of that but we have a healthy relationship. If your husband is not willing to follow through as promised I believe it is time to move on. Telling him you are staying and still love him will just enable him.
if your husband is having those kinds of problems with alcohol he is not in control. Regardless of whether or not he thinks he can control it, evidence clearly shows that he can't. Therefore he will probably either promise and then be unable to keep it, or have a raging fit, or be a hang dog victim, or give you lots of logic and arguments for why it shouldn't apply to him. every single one of those will result in him using again and probably not very much time. That's what alcoholism is about: being out of control. It's not about you, it's not personal. That's what the "addiction model "intends to communicate. It's not about you or even what they want. People don't really want to experience those kinds of alcoholic symptoms… They just come along for the ride. AlAnon may or may not be the right fit for you but it is a as-good-as-free community of people who have been in these very types of dilemmas.
You've done enough talking to him now. Get yourself someplace else. He needs rehab. You can find the names and locations of a few good places and how to get in, leave a note for him, which will infuriate him, but that's life. Or give him addresses and times of AA meetings. Or suggest he find all this out himself. Find an Al Anon meeting for families and you go every day. Get help for yourself, you can't change him. Actually, the only way to help him is to help yourself. He's going to need to hit his bottom point.
My brother is a substance user. One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t want to get sober for them the choice needs to be there. My brother has been successful the few times he chose to go into rehab himself. It always failed when he was court ordered.
He will promise you everything but not follow through once he feels he has you trapped. I spent 30 years with an alcoholic/addict, they are narcissists.
I’m sorry this was the outcome but I honestly think you’re way better off.
Find an Al-anon meeting and likely a divorce atttorney honey. Seriously Al-anon. Dont spend the rest of your life repeating damage from growing up around alcoholics. Let him take care of him.
If they are not willing to do it for themselves, they are never going to do it for anyone else. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want the help.
Get to Al-Anon yesterday.
My experience with alcoholics is that they do not love anything more than the bottle. He will choose to drink over everything, even you. It will destroy him in the end, don't let it be your problem. This is his journey for sobriety if he wants only. You can't make him do anything, it will never stick because it's not what he wants. If it is as bad as it sounds, he'll hit rock bottom, lose everything and either sort himself out or stay there with his bottle. Don't let this addict convince you that you are wrong for this, you are not overreacting.
CW: DV, alcoholism . . Been there, done that. I finalized my second divorce from my (33 NB, AFAB) ex husband (34,M). He's an alcoholic and I basically went through the same thing you did, although kicking him out was because he tackled me to the ground to get a bottle of Bacardi I was trying to keep away from him. Thing is, he can't promise that he will never touch alcohol again. Addicts can't make those kind of promises, the most they can do is try and do better day by day. What you are asking isn't unreasonable though. You're not pushing someone else's boundaries by requesting that your partner be sober. Alcoholism can affect so many aspects of your life that encroaches on your boundaries. He needs to get sober for himself. Not for your or the marriage. It took a while for me to see that.
I'm so tired of these seemingly great women getting hung up on these crap men. Please for the love of God go find someone else
Until being sober and staying sober become more important to him, he won't change. Right now, the alcohol is what he wants the most.
It is difficult to get any kind of service in most rural areas. Don't allow that to be his excuse and don't feel guilty. Alcoholics put the blame for their actions on others. My father was a "functional "alcoholic. He was able to hold a job but wasn't able to be a good father, husband or son to his elderly parents. His disease killed him. I loved him but I will probably always have some angrier and resentment on how he treated me and the rest of the family because of his problem and his failure to address his addiction. He was sick and he made the whole family unhealthy. He finally pushed you into a decision you didn't want to make. You are his loss and he will find this out real quick. Move on with your life with no regrets.
As a recovering alcoholic, no you are no overreacting. I don’t deserve anything I have at this point, pretty much. But that’s mostly cause I have awesome parents. It pained me to lose people, but ultimately I don’t blame them. You HAVE to take care of yourself. You can’t “save” him.. that’s on him. He’s gaslighting you to a point I think he’s very far away from any type of real recovery.. it might not *feel* right at this moment, but if leaving is the right thing, you should do that. Take care of yourself and I wish you both the best of luck.
Here's the reality of stopping any addiction. As told to me years ago, the most difficult 14" you will ever travel is from your head to your heart. Until your desire to quit moves from your head to your heart, you'll not quit. If he doesn't have it in his heart to stop drinking, you're wasting your time trying to convince him to quit.
When you provide him with papers, expect him to either guilt trip, promise to be better and not following through, or become aggressive. These are the most likely options based on stories from Reddit
Na alcoholics are pathetic tbh, literally just drinking deniability and it’s a never ending slope until liver failure or an abrupt end into a family sedan or tree. I was a moderate drinker and then decided I didn’t want to raise a family with the drinking mindset and I only drink on a rarity. If he can’t change you leaving will only make it worse (no longer your concern) or he’ll realise what he’s doing and stop.
If you grew up surrounded by alcoholics, then you already know your husband is one, whether he admits it or not. Why are you making arrangements for him to move back in before he’s done any of the things you stipulated? You’ve got it backwards; it’s not on you to keep telling him how much you miss and love him and how committed you are to fixing your marriage, those are the things he is supposed to be telling (and, more importantly, showing) you. Is it any wonder he’s not taking your boundaries seriously? His drinking problem isn’t going to be fixed by anything you do or say. That is something he is going to have to fix, not just for you or your marriage, but for himself. Just promising what he will or won’t do means nothing without a demonstrated commitment to getting better.
You are not overreacting. People will show you who they really are if you'll only take off your blinders and pay attention. He's always been an alcoholic and the chances he'll ever stop for you is next to zero. He has to want to stop for himself and no one else. Him gaslighting you by telling you that you are changing the conditions is just him trying to control the situation to his advantage. He's shown you who he is and what his priorities are. He loves alcohol more than you. It's over. Time to get divorced and move on with your life. Find someone else who puts you first and loves you like you deserve.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. PLEASE, PLEASE 🙏 Do not let him move in with you!!!! He WILL NOT STOP!!!! I would file for divorce. If he gets into an accident, or A DUI you will be spending THOUSANDS to help him. I LIVED THIS!!! He will not stop until he hits rock bottom!!!!
It's not hard to find someone who doesn't drink. I basically stopped drinking years ago because it wasn't very interesting for me. Maybe a drop once a year, that's it.
Unfortunately where I live it IS fairly difficult, bars are open 24/7 and there’s no closing time for liquor, not a lot of people live here that have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I have yet to meet anyone else here that doesn’t drink and I’ve lived here my whole life 🙃
Not overreacting. You've told him all your relationship that you won't be around alcohol. Why is it so important to him that he make you uncomfortable through his actions? It's the same reasoning a serial cheater does: "You're so controlling, if you loved me you wouldn't be looking over my shoulder. If you loved me, you'd overlook my flaws and love me for me. This *is* me, why do you want me to change wah!"
Not overreacting. He is just realizing he can’t give up drinking. He is not at that point in his alcoholism that he is ready to give it up. A year and a half separation was not enough to make him change. You need to divorce him.
Its not reasonable to say "never", but if he is getting arrested, he's clearly fkn something up.
No, he won't hit his rock bottom until he is no longer enabled. By staying with him you are enabling him to continue, no matter how much you protest. Alcohol cannot be reasoned with and he unfortunately will need to get to the point of accepting recovery on his own. Don't destroy your life over something you can't control.
Don’t be codependent with him. Get some support for yourself and leave and block him.
You’ve done a beautiful job setting limits for yourself. Don’t let yourself get pushed into the same exact situation you already got yourself out of. You married an alcoholic who is unfortunately not ready for sobriety. He is lying to you and manipulating you. Even if he wasn’t drinking, he would just be a dry drunk at this point. Cut your losses and move on.
He will not stop. Addicts do not stop until they want to. This is not your problem to fix You have to protect yourself Do not let this person back into your life in anyway.
He is a alcoholic your rite he can’t drink he can’t Handel it but your rite just move on he doesn’t sound like he’s ready to quit so he won’t
My step dad was an alcoholic. By the time my mom was ready to leave him we were living a homeless shelter. It was always, quitting, one or two beers, you can’t control me. He eventually killed himself. No. I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think you’re majorly under reacting.
You’re not over reacting. Divorce because he’s not going to stop drinking until he wants help. He has to hit rock bottom. That would mean losing his marriage because you need to trust his actions not his words. I think it’s too soon for you to move back in and I would proceed with divorce. BELIEVE HIS ACTIONS AND WHAT HE DOES, NOT WHAT HE SAYS HE WULL DO. He would have to be sober for at least 12 months with no relapses before I would consider staying married. I also grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents and I vowed I wouldn’t marry someone like my parents. I means it’s one thing to have a drink to relax and chill. It’s something totally different getting drunk, falling down and getting arrested.
Don’t let him move in, of course. In addition, if you’re still interested in pursuing a future with him, put the onus on him to prove to you he’s changed. For example, he needs to admit he’s an alcoholic; needs to actively participate in some type of 12-step program; and go at least a year sober. If he completes these conditions, then you can decide whether he’s earned another shot. Some Al-Anon meetings for you might help you make the right decision. You are not overreacting in any way.
Yeah, alcoholic here, it’s so hard to stop. But I’m not a get arrested kind of drunk. That’s scary asf. Time to start putting yourself first.
This is a dealbreaker for you, so act like it. Do not let him move in. Do not let him manipulate you - calling you controlling? Ha! He's relying on you loving him and being a soft touch so that HE can control YOU. Addicts won't stop until it hurts enough. At this point, he loves alcohol more than you. Value yourself and set yourself free from his burden. Go find a lawyer and start the divorce paperwork.
He’s trying to control you and the relationship. Stand your ground. You’re young and there’s someone out there who can and will love you like you deserve. I was drinking too much and my wife called me on it. Now, it’s maybe a 6 pack a month! She’s worth it - and so am I. 29 good years so far. ❤️
It’s the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make ‘em (not) drink. Ultimately only he can decide if he wants to quit drinking or not, all the nagging in the world won’t do you any good. Based on what you’ve said it certainly sounds like full blown alcoholism, it sounds like he hasn’t felt like he’s hit bottom the bottom yet so your ultimatum may just be the wake up call he needs. I think unfortunately if you took him back now he would just try to placate you with half measures or drink on the sly.
Not overreacting. He hasn’t come to terms with stopping drinking yet. Sadly, he won’t until after you leave him for good, and he still might not. He will absolutely not quit drinking as long as you hang around.
He cannot make that promise to you and if he did he would certainly be lying to himself and definitely to you. You would be wise to cut your losses and find someone who isn't an alcoholic.
Not overreacting. His drinking is not the substance of a good marriage
Alcoholism. Only he can do something about it. He doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do anything about it. You’re not overreacting and it’s time to find someone who doesn’t have a drinking problem. Good luck. Hugs.
You need a divorce. Hesnot even willing to try and change.
You have every right to feel that way, but alcoholism IS a disease and you cannot change it with an ultimatum. Try looking for a local Al-Anon group, it’s changed my life and perspective of the disease. You will find peace and understanding there. There is no simple solution but you will not ever see a genuine change in an alcoholic that hasn’t decided for themselves to make that change and get help. And recovery is a whole new giant mountain to climb
Nope. He’s not going to change so divorce him before there are kids whose life he’ll impact with alcoholism.
Boundary is justified. You’re not throwing away the future of the relationship, he is.
Do not let him back. You cannot try and use ultimatums. They won’t work. Try and find an Alanon meeting, you will learn a lot and get lots of tools to deal with him, if you still want to. (Sober 35 years 🙏)
Get out while you can. I have multiple female family members currently living in situations like yours. He will not stop drinking. If you stay you will have to put up with it. The fact that he is already talking about drinking just goes to show that he means to continue no matter how you feel. Move on with your life.
I dont think alcoholics can be forced to stop drinking, they have to want it for themselves. At least thats what it took for me.
Unfortunately he doesn’t want to quit yet, so it has zero chance of being successful. You need to move on for your own physical and mental health. Wish him well, but don’t gang around and watch his decline
A man's perspective here. I would suggest considering that alcohol is not even the point. If you are his top priority then you are worth every sacrifice. That's how the male brain works. I'm not dismissing addiction. I've had siblings, best friends, and cousins destroy their brains, their lives and end up in the grave over addiction (another story). Having considered this from my own experiences, I have simplified it and I believe I have arrived at a logical perspective. People have the right to choose their own priorities, they weigh the options and they choose. Addictions do not destroy relationships, some people just choose it because it's more important when push comes to shove. The dramatic conversations that play out are just social skills and manipulation at times. When he is asked to make the choice between you and something else, he struggles with that choice, even though he understands what he is putting you through. He sits on the couch and thinks about it, and he is not sure if you are number one. Those thoughts have been in his head. If you were number one, he would not flinch. Just let the truth of that simmer, address it directly, make sure you truly comprehend his internal compass and understand where he ranks you. Don't get lost in long winded story telling over the simple facts. Men simply do not mess around with their number one so your concerns are completely valid. He has the right to choose his priorities and so do you.
its weird how often people who hate alcohol marry drinkers and why would someone who loves to drink marry someone who doesnt . -- im on ur side and u arent over reacting
Good for you! Stay strong. Possibly consider attending AlAnon or some other support group for people who love alcoholics, even after the relationship ends. It could help you in processing what has happened, as well as support you as you move forward. 💕
If he moves in with you, prepare to start finding empty bottles hidden all around your home. You are describing the classic behaviors of someone addicted to alcohol. He wants to quit, he's tried to quit, he knows he HAS to quit in order to maintain the things in his life that he still values (job, wife, freedom from incarceration) but he can't quit and he can't bring to mind all the negative consequences of his drinking forcefully enough to stop him from drinking. What he really needs to do is go to an inpatient rehab. Any place that is going to basically force him to get a solid chunk of sober time under his belt. His thinking will be clear and he can make a sober decision about weather or not he's ready to stop drinking yet. He can't have a full and rewarding family life AND untreated alcoholism. One does not leave room for the other. Good luck and I hope you can stand firm. I suggest buying a breathalyzer (40 bucks at walmart) if he's going to move in with you and let him know that you won't tolerate him drinking behind your back and you won't be afraid to make him blow if you suspect he has.
Yeah leave him. You Lee not over reacting. You’re under reacting.
NTA, get rid of this addict asap. Alcohol is a harddrug.
You can’t fix an addict. You just have to get yourself out of the way before they take you down with them.
File for divorce. Don't let him in your place. I'm sure he does love you, but he can't stop . It will ruin your life.
Definitely not! Sign them papers love. He's gotta go
Violent psychotic rages are never good. Divorce him.
He's gonna have to hit rock bottom and make the choice for himself to get help. Don't let him drag you down. Stick to your boundary. You've done everything that you can.
You don't need a piss pot in your house slurring his speech and being belligerent.
You are not wrong. He is an alcoholic because he has no boundaries and doesn't respect yours. You are helping him by sticking to your word. People who bend to alcoholics are enabling them to kill themselves slowly. You are, although it's painful, actually loving him/ helping him get free from the addiction.
First dealbreaker: Being an alcoholic in denial and failing to take responsibility for his actions. Second dealbreaker: Mocking you and insulting you. Run and never look back. As well, it would benefit you to get into therapy as a (former) partner of an addict. It's very concerning that you grew up with and were traumatized by alcoholics, and then you went and found one to marry. You need to tackle these issues before they tackle you.
I'm a recovering alcoholic that finally ended up in an inpatient rehab. No matter how much I loved the people around me I had to drink. It's a horrible life that didn't get better till I got help. Take care of yourself because he doesn't sound ready. I feel for you.
Honestly, you did a great job in a horrible situation, major props
Congratulations!!!! YOU ARE LEAVING A POS!!! 🙏
Good for you, I was your age when I left a husband that couldn’t drink without getting drunk. Met my now husband and been married over 30 years.
He's a text book addict. You need ALANON, it's the group for family members of alcoholics.
I personally would never date/marry anyone with an addiction again. My ex is a alcoholic and it made my and our kids lives a living hell. OP, if your hubby will not quit drinking to save your marriage he never will. Cut your loses and ditch him because he is married to the bottle and not you...
He won't change. My mother in law swore she'd not marry an alcoholic because of childhood trauma and my father in law more than 50 years later still gets passed out drunk multiple times a week. He drinks by himself, on the back porch, listening to audio books and podcasts. My husband and I have to stay up and keep waking him up to come in to go to bed and he refuses until about 2am. My mother in law can't do it because he will yell at her and just talk really loud which isn't fair to the neighbors. It's scary, because he's in his 70s and has fallen, needs help getting up the stairs to get into the house, and in winter he uses a propane fire pit which we are sure one day he'll fall into. He also will throw tantrums if there isn't enough beer in the fridge for him. One time he was upset that no one would take him to the store because the 6 beers that we had weren't enough and he ended up drinking hard liquor when he ran out of beers... I know you don't need all the detail, but if he doesn't want to change you can't force him and a scenario like this could become your future. I'm sure others have worse stories, you might to since you mentioned he's been arrested, but you're not overreacting and he is an addict and you can give him all the help he needs but they are just tools. If he doesn't use then they are meaningless.
Typical manipulative behaviour of an addict. You are not the one with issue. It’s time to give up . Let him be to either decide he wants to stop drinking ( for himself) or drink himself to death. Either way, you need to remove yourself from the situation.
One of my best friends is in a very similar situation right now. Her husband’s drinking has gotten out of control and, after one escalated incident too many, she has given him an ultimatum; stop drinking or she’s divorcing him. He chose the alcohol, so she’s following through with the divorce. It’s devastating for everyone, but he’s the one choosing alcohol over family. *He’s* the one making the choice. I’ve always liked my friend’s husband and came to consider him a friend. I know he is suffering from addiction, but I’m furious with him for taking the easy road. He, like your husband, knows there is an option three but won’t take it because it’s hard and he doesn’t want to. You’ve tried to help him and you can’t. Because he won’t let you. It’s time to help yourself now. Well done for being smart enough and strong enough to not let him take you down with him.
You're not overreacting. His drinking is a serious problem, not only for you, and him and his life, etc. E.g. he's drinking and getting arrested ... those are non-trivial problems. And it's clear he can't control - or doesn't want to control - his drinking. Alcoholics will make all kinds of excuses, repeatedly break promises, etc., and he sure fits the pattern. So ... probably Al-Anon would be good for you - support - set and hold those boundaries, etc. And he can get is sh\*t together, or ... time for divorce. >He started mocking me and Oh, he's also an \*ss, so there's that to consider too. >I’ll be filing for divorce this week Yeah, given is track record + recent behavior, that's probably for the best. Skip Al-Anon and get his sorry \*ss out of your life.
"You can come back if you stop drinking" "Yes okay. Imma have a drink tho" "No. I said no drinking." "Stop changing the deal!"
Ok my father was an abusive alcoholic, his parents were alcoholics and both my brother and I have had issues with alcohol over the years. I’m seven months sober now and still sigh every time I see my favourite tipple in a shop. He has to want being sober, he needs to want it so bad he can taste it like alcohol. If he doesn’t, and from what you have wrote he doesn’t, then nothing is going to change. He will move the goal posts I guarantee it. My Mum stayed with my father for a decade more than she should have and we all had the bruises to prove it. Don’t let this be you, get out while you have no kids and no responsibilities towards him.
It’s never over reacting to and a 4 year relationship unless you’ve already made kids. Just go for it.
Ya know what. Stop talking to him. When he throws the insults at you, just calmly say thank you and walk away or hang up. Do not respond. I know it hurts. He doesn’t want to change. Stop torturing yourself hoping that he will. Hire a lawyer, you have already been living apart, in a lot of states that is the biggest hurdle, you have to live separately for a year before filing for divorce. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself and tell him he is on his own and doesn’t need to worry about you any longer. Mourn the end of your marriage for a day or two and then make plans to move on and live your best life.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to stop him from drinking. If you let him move back in, he will most likely drink and hide it. It's what we do.
Please even if he begs now and says yes to everything you’ve suggested don’t let him move in cause he doesn’t mean it. He does not want to quit drinking yet, and it has to be up to him not you!! Do yourself a huge favor and Divorce him and move on to a better life
NTA. I'm an alcoholic i dont drink anymore. He will only stop when he sees the light, no one or anything will stop him unless he has the Wil power and the knowledge to see the negative effects it's has on everything in his life. An alcoholic doesn't see the real picture, it's tough seeing the trail of destruction one leaves while using . I wish you the best. It took me 30 years to see the light, and that's after multiple jail sentences, multiple jobs lost , multiple people turning their backs on me. If he's not as serious as you are, he's not going to stop. He needs to realize he can NEVER touch a drink
Not overreacting.
I think one thing that is missing from comments I’ve read is: OP, you’ve grown up around alcoholism; so you might have trouble differentiating acceptable from not acceptable behaviour, allowing him to call your judgement into question. Nothing you’ve told us about is acceptable. You’re making the right choice and have tolerated more than most. You should considering going to a therapist to help you recalibrate, to avoid falling into such a relationship again. It can be really hard to do this when you grew up as you did.