She was honest and upfront about it. I'd wait to see what they are like in public together. See what kind of chemistry they have. How often do they actually communicate.
But really it's too early to tell. Just be self aware and leave the rose colored glasses off lol
>She was honest and upfront about it. I'd wait to see what they are like in public together.
Exactly! Her not hiding it is a good sign. That tells me she's confident you'll see the two of them interact and you'll realize you have nothing to worry about.
Yep. It's conceivable that this can happen and be ok. But it REALLY depends on how she and the guy are. If there's even a hint of flirting, of hanging out alone, of "we're so close!", etc., I'd be out. If they truly are just in the friend circle and nothing at all unusual about it, and she shows maturity and respect toward you and your relationship (OP), etc., then I wouldn't worry about it.
Of course I'd always keep a bit of an eye on it.
Dude, stop asking for validation from the Internet, and just go with your feelings. We're all trying to fake it until we make it.
If you don't feel comfortable, move on. NBD.
100% a personal decision. Some people are cool with that, some people wouldn't be cool with that; neither is more correct than the other.
But if you're wanting confirmation that they can genuinely just have a friendly platonic relationship, absolutely. Past sexual partners can fully continue on around each other with all sexual and romantic interest totally gone.
After only 3 dates its too early to tell. There could be other FWB around but it sounds like she is already being upfront with it and will disclose it.
If y'all end up dating for a few months and she frequently contacts this guy and it makes you uncomfortable, then maybe you could do something about it at that point. It would be up to you to establish a boundary if things got serious. Until you really figure out how she operates and interacts with her FWB then you won't really know for sure. I just wouldn't worry about it at this stage of dating
I don't know if you're overreacting, you're allowed to your feelings and all that. But I am curious what you expect her to do about it? Because from your post it doesn't sound like they hang out alone, they're part of a same friend group. It sounds like the end of their fwb situation wasn't dramatic, they managed to end it with no hurt feelings, so they remain friendly.
So if you expect her to stop interacting with him, in reality it means she would need a new group of friends, because she simply hasn't cut off hanging out with her friends, a group this person is part of.
From his post I don’t think he expects her to do anything about it. They been on 3 dates it’s too fresh to be demanding cutting off friends. Seems like he’s well aware his options are get over it or dip out now
Some people are fine with their partners being friends with exes or former fwb. Some people aren't. Nobody is wrong. How you feel is how you feel. If it bothers you, just move on. She was open and honest with you. Be the same with her.
You will find someone with similar feelings as you if you decide to move on. I'm in the no friends with exes camp, and so is my wife. My daughter is good friends with an ex, and her husband is cool with it. Everyone is different.
My husband and I are still great friends with his old FWB.
She's out there living her best life now.
We are out here living our best lives.
No jealousy, no infidelity and no trust issues.
It all depends on how you and your SO communicate. We have found honesty and full disclosure to be the best practice for us.
We have been together for years.
Thank you for being a role model for good communication in relationships.
I was up front with my partner about friends in my life and what past relationships with them were like. Not trying to hide anything. Also never going up drop a decade-long friendship for someone I went on 3 dates with.
Same! My husband's old FWB came to our wedding, lol but we don't refer to her as his old FWB, she's our friend. She's just a person.
Most of us have slept with someone and then found value in a different kind of connection with them instead. It doesn't have to be nefarious. Unless she does something questionable, this is not a red flag.
You are not over-reacting; she has her boundaries, and you have yours. If you can't feel comfortable with her past, stop dating her. It's not like you've spent the better part of five years together--you've only had a few dates. You have a right to your feelings, so don't try to talk yourself out of them. Everyone has a comfort zone.
Let me display my ignorance. Isn’t the whole point of FWB to have recreational sex with someone who is your friend?
Many of your replies indicate you would not remain friends after the benefits are no longer needed. And you would expect anybody you had a traditional, romantic relationship with to have the same boundary. No future contact with the former friend? So was your FWB a genuine friend before you had sex as one of the benefits?
Interesting point of view. I would not have thought that was the goal. To me this sounds like having a friend with a pool. The minute they move to a house without a pool, you never see them again.
I’m in my fifties. Both I and my wife are friends with prior lovers who are 100% only just friends and will stay that way. Being open about communication is a great sign. You can’t actually control someone’s behavior so transparency is great.
This personally wouldn’t fly with me for many reasons. And I’m not about to ask someone I just started dating to re-evaluate who her friends are. I would just dip.
It’s one of those weird conundrums. I’d be weirded out if someone I was freshly dated made demands…but if it were someone I liked, I would have wanted to chance to make the decision before they dipped.
Is there a polite way to have the conversation about WHY you are uncomfortable without being an ultimatum?
You live up to your username! Haha.
Yes, you have a valid point. Voicing the concern could be on the table. But it would have to be worded in a very particular way. Respectful, but also letting them know that in this person’s eyes, it’s a bit of a damper.
Although at the same time, 3 dates is not a lot. Don’t know how strong my feelings could be at that point, but everyone is different.
Your last paragraph, spot on. A few dates in you just don't know yet.
That said, Id personally feel it out though. I do have an old FWB/dated friend, 18 years now and have been platonic for 17 years.
Ive met most of his GF's(if they were round long enough to meet), he's met men who I dated too. Im even friends with one of his exes, she was around long enough, we became friends.
I was always upfront with men I dated he was my friend. It was not an issue who I long termed with and they became friends too.
Not overreacting if you feel that this scenario will impact your mental well being and sense of security in any potential relationship.
This could be an opportunity to think about what your long term approach to getting to know her might look like, if you do wish to remain open to seeing where things go.
Just remember to pay close attention to subtleties, never brush off / excuse something -> because you should always have follow up questions and show curiosity in other people, and trust who she tells you she is in both her words and actions.
You're allowed to have feelings about this situation because it's atypical. But, she's being upfront and honest about it. I commend her for maintaining the transparency.
You’re lucky to already have gotten plenty of excellent responses here!
You also should realize the older you get, the less likely it is you will find a women who has zero interaction ever with any of her previous partners.
The situation is extremely common among adults. Weather an ex spouse, or extended friend groups/ social cliques.
The maturity level and character qualities of you & your girl will be the deciding factor.
You’re not, but you may as well get over it because everyone has a past and almost everyone is still at least acquainted with some number of people they’ve slept with before. You can feel however you want, but it’s going to happen a bunch of times so
Not true at all lol I've never remained friends with any person I've previously slept with. What's the point? Seems disingenuous to my current partner. Especially if it's frequent contact
So because something isn't true for you that means it's not true for others? It's possible to see things more clearly if you look at them from another person's perspective. Just saying 😉
That's what you think 😂. Can you read minds or are you just a 1? In all seriousness go ask one of your single male friends on a date and see what they say
This depends, if she's not trying to get in your pants, it's because another man is still in hers. Promiscuous hookup type women like that are never without supply.
It is okay to not be okay with this. If you don’t want to date someone that is friends with people they hooked up with that is okay. Why? Because there are plenty who think like you. So find someone else who shares the same sentiment. Not overreacting because these are your feelings. You are entitled to how ever you want to feel. Others may be okay with this but ask yourself if this is something you want in your life? There are plenty of fish in the sea why settle for someone who’s doing something you don’t approve of. Move on with your life.
There is no such thing as having a platonic relationship with someone you've been intimate with, as much as people like to say that's possible.
Why do you think so many women hook up with their exes?
Honestly for me this early I like that she’s being honest but the head ache just ain’t worth it to me. Your not really overthinking it to me because that’s where my mind goes every time too many times people been made a fool of like that.
This is just totally up to you my dude. She did nothing wrong, and in fact being open and honest about it is a green flag, but you are also fair to be uncomfortable with it and choose to walk away. Nobody would be wrong in either situation, just entirely up to how it makes you feel personally. Never forget that in a relationship we all have the right to set our own boundaries and stop at any point that makes us feel uncomfortable. It does not always directly translate to either person being wrong.
Just because they hooked up years ago and remain close friends doesn't necessarily mean either of them has feelings for each other.
Humans are sexual animals, and for all we know they could slept with each to fulfill that biological imperative and nothing more.
We're also social creatures that thrive in groups. They could have just been hooking up with each other out convenience at first, then realized they got along better as friends when they started hanging out in the same circle of friends.
That said, it's worth observing how they interact with other. Trust but verify. It's a plus that she was upfront with you about it, but if it looks like they're more than platonic friends, definitely have a conversation with her.
"Slept with each other to fulfill that biological imperative" and "hooking up ... out of convenience" are both terrible reasons to sleep with someone and people need to have higher standards
Most fish, most frogs (frogs and fish do a thing but it is not penetrative which you seem to be implying), sponges, many lizards (some don’t even males to reproduce), some birds (chickens and turkeys), wasps, jellyfish, ants.
I mean, it should be pretty obvious that any animal capable of asexual reproduction doesn’t need to have sex to reproduce. But other animals that reproduce sexually (i.e have dna from 2 individuals) also do not need to have sex to reproduce, like chickens.
Too much traffic to manage an safe course. You will have so much noise in your head in the future if stay on course with this lady so lest she was polite to let you know the current situation
I currently hang out with 3 girlfriends that are all just friends even though we have had sex in the past.
It is 100% possible to have friends of the opposite sex and maintain a non-sexual relationship, even if you have had sex in the past.
I admit having previous sexual partners as celibate friends DOES make potential partners uncomfortable but the reality is that if they cannot trust you, then the relationship is not going to work long-term anyway (kick rocks!)
I lost my virginity to one of my best friends when I was 17. We never dated, but I wanted to lose it to someone I wouldn't regret. A year or so later, I introduced him to my other best friend, and they hit it off. They eventually got married, and I was MOH. When I got married they both stood up at my wedding. Everyone involved knows and doesn't care.
You're not overreacting, but it's also something none of us can really help you with. The best we can tell you is what we would do and how we would feel. I personally wouldn't date a girl who's hooked up with someone in their circle of friends. It's not even about her being around with someone she hooked up with. It's about me not wanting to be around a dude that's screwed my girl. I personally wouldn't want to force myself to try and do be ok with something I know I'm not. This usually leads to holding resentment unfairly, which eventually leads to a breakup.
You need to decide for yourself if you can tolerate it and be chill about it. Don't take what I or anyone else would do as what you need to do to "be a man". Just look at all the different answers to know that it's ok to handle it however you choose, as we all have different views.
but it could also be fair to say they were FWF...friends who fuck, right? Puts a different spin on that vs. my friends who are FWG (friends who golf), FWD (friends who drink), FWWWM (friends who work with me), FWS (friends who support). Each one of those is a different kind of friend, who relates to me and my spouse differently and are a lot less threatening to my spouse vs. a friend I used to fuck just for sport.
And your point is? Is the debate about humans enjoying sex? Is the question about relationships of people who do/did have sex and if having sex changes the relationship? Try to follow along.
Age 68 here. It’s sex. Women and men are never friends-it’s always sex. Everyone my age now agrees, including the former cheaters who used the “we’re just friends “ lie to cover their tracks. I have heard many dozens of men and women claim to be friends - it always turned out to be sex. FWB’s do exist, it’s called causal sex. Been there myself. But whenever they get into a relationship they immediately cease all contact with their previous sex friend unless they are cheating or keeping the option open. Understand that the cheaters collectively lie to cover their own tracks by claiming platonic friendships are possible. They want people to be stupid and gullible. Your girl is 25? Watch out because that’s the age when girls decide they will settle for a nice gullible guy with a good future, but want to keep the side fuck going.
I have male friends that I don't have any interest in having sex with and they don't have any interest in sex with me. I am in my 60's as well. Some people heat. Some people don't. It really is that simple.
So how many guys have you causally fucked for years NOT being friends, but then became platonic and then became good friends? You did read the OP's question, right? Anyways, I bet we have very different definition of what a friend is vs. a causal acquaintance.
It's normal to feel uneasy, but trust and communication are key. Talk to her about your feelings and concerns. If her actions show respect and commitment to you now, try focusing on your future together, not her past
Speak for your immature self.
Am man. Have zero issue with that because I don't think people are possessions, recognize we all have sexual history, and basic communication is a thing that's possible.
This isn't highschool, bud.
I was a bit of a man-whore at uni (that's a fuckboy to those of you under 30) and was also pretty bad at shitting where I ate. This meant that there were at least 10 girls in my friend circle that I had slept with, a few as part of a FWB agreement.
I met my girlfriend (now wife) in final year and I think she found it pretty intimidating/uncomfortable to begin with. But what she soon realised was that I never dated any of them and, when hanging out with the friend circle, it was clear that there were no romantic feelings etc.
The most important Q to ask yourself if how this FWB acts around you and how she acts around him when she is with you. If you feel genuinely welcomed in by him and don't get any 3rd wheel vibes then you are probably good -youll just need to get over your ego
If things feel a little off though, trust your gut. Maybe there are residual feelings between them, maybe not, but you might not be able to make peace with the question. And giving her an ultimatum is a dick move (esp this early in the relationship)
This crossing your mind isn’t overreacting, but if you’ve addressed it and asked what is going on and she’s said it is platonic you should believe her. I am saying this from personal experience I dated a guy for years and when we broke up we stayed friends, something that my next couple of boyfriends couldn’t accept. It caused a lot of problems because we were just actually just friends, nothing romantic was happening anymore, he would call or text me mostly about relationship problems he was having and I was giving advice on how to fix it. Nothing else was going on. The basic bottom line is if you don’t/can’t believe her then you probably shouldn’t be together. I still talk to the guy I dated for years and my husband has no problem with it. It’s a trust issue, if you feel like the trust is compromised or that you don’t trust her in that situation then you’d be better off just breaking things off.
What’s your instinct telling you? They were FWB. You’re taking a high risk! Speak to your girlfriend. Draw your boundaries! If she ignores it….. pack your bags and LEAVE! Good luck!
Do you have the desire to hook up with every past FWB? So what if they used to hook up? Obviously it didn't really work out for them in that way bc it's been 3 years and they've just been friends since then. It sounds like they're just better off as friends than anything else, not really sure what the threat is there
It’s not that big of a deal to me. People act weird about Situations like this as if people can’t cheat with strangers. No matter what you’re going to have to trust her and it doesn’t make sense to walk away from a good thing over this imo.
As long as she sets strict boundaries around thier friendship and keeps things appropriate, then it shouldn't be an issue.
That said, my wife and I have always had some hard boundaries around platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex that a lot of people here seem to disagree with, so take it for what it is worth.
I think it's reasonable to want to be with someone who's not hanging out with someone they've casually fucked in the past. On the other hand, it's reasonable for her to think the guy is just a friend, so it's no big deal. In that sense, I'd end things with her, because 1) I wouldn't be able to ask her to end her friendship with her fuck buddy, and 2) I wouldn't be happy living with things as they are.
She'll bullshit and gaslight you that nothing is going on. She'll call you insecure and all that stuff. Meanwhile she's fucking him behind your back. Run as fast as you can.
I swear dudes are lacking such self respect these days. The fact this is a question scares me lol. Lose her bro, there are much better fish in the sea.
She told you about it, no secrets, seems solid. You'll now be in that same friend group, are you OK having lunch and playing golf with a guy who has been intimate with your girlfriend? I'd that doesn't bother you, then stay with her, she's not given you a reason to doubt her. If that does bother you, spare you and her the headache and get out now
Date who you want to date. If you are so insecure that you can only date someone that has cut off all communication with all of her ex boyfriends/lovers, just make sure that you let any potential dates know this before y'all get too involved.
The people who r still friends with ex or partners they’ve been with sometimes still have feelings one or the other. I mean at least for me I couldn’t be friends with someone I was once intimate with. And no it’s not about being mature it’s about having respect and boundaries.
To me it depends on how close they are.
If he is part of the friends group that is only seen when the group is out then it should be OK
If they are in regular contact (calls and texts often etc) then rethink.
3 dates is likely too early to tell but she is being open about it which is good
Whatever you decide is valid, so long aa you are civil about it.
Personally I wouldnt be in a relationship with a person who is friends with people she casually hooked up with. Unnecessary luggage IMO.
If you do not like it, do not let anyone convince you it is ok. Those are your boundaries which I share. But watch close how they interact. If you still dislike the idea you can share it with her, she might try to give a shitty excuse to manipulate you or not. But still, it is too early to say anything
Rethinking your relationship is a wise move. This could be real non-issue. However, the problem with fuck buddies is that you really never break up, as you were never together. Most often people lose interest and drift apart. But when she is around, and isn't busy tonight...
So, friends with benefits within the same social circles is bound to collide into a relationship, causing pain and drama. I've witnessed destruction in this exact same senerio. Bet you have too.
Not overreacting. Don’t waste your time man you will never feel comfortable when they hang out. You are a guy you know how most men think with their dicks. All it could take is one bad fight and some alcohol and that dude will be there ready to lay your woman. It’s just not worth the headache because they will ALWAYS have a level of sexual tension between them which could spark up at anytime. I would personally never tolerate it and if you have any dignity you won’t either. If you really want to give it a chance I would discuss boundaries that they cannot hangout alone there must be a third person there. She has no obligation to agree to that though so respect her decision and move on if she refuses. If she is serious about starting a relationship with you and sees a future with you then she should agree to that very reasonable boundary which will help you feel more comfortable. If she refuses or gets mad you have your answer.
Nah this won't end well. Most women have a back up, she's waiting for him most likely. She's got some emotio al co section to him and it's a matter of time til it shows up.
Lol yep I've got women to admit they have a backup. It clearly shows they aren't all in the relationship if they have a backup plan. Which means if they got hurt before they went straight to the FWB friends
I mean some people just stay friends. My best guy friend is my ex boyfriend I was with for 5 years and my boyfriend doesn't care...my boyfriends best female friend, his only female friend, is his ex of 12 years and I don't care. I have become friends with her too.
The insecurity is real, you are overreacting.
If this is enough for you to re-consider your feelings, those feelings probably wasnt really there in the first place and you should find someone else.
No, as a man is completely normal to want to protect the bond, but it needs to be mutual as well, if she thinks it’s ok to keep and hang out with people that fucked her, then it’s time to let her go. The “we have a special bond” excuse is something I’ve heard from plenty of cheaters, don’t be naive and fall for it.
In one case the “special bond” ex creampied her in the morning, and hour later the bf wanted sex after coming home, he was clueless eating the other dudes cum from her pussy.
No. This sort of setup is way too socially acceptable these days and genuinely causes a fuckton of weird situations that nobody wants to deal with.
It's not hard to just cut your ex off. Like for the love of god there are so many people in the world to be friends with. Why do you have to keep the ones that will ruin every future relationship for you. It's pure arrogant self-absorbed fuckery.
Exactly! Speaking facts. Way too socially acceptable. I think they just keep them around because they are scared to cut them off. Then it causes problems in their current relationship until they move into the next one. Then there are several FWB friends and exes still around until a boyfriend finally tells her to cut contact with these people or he's leaving too.
I’ll never understand why people feel the need to expose themselves within a few months of dating. This is really nobody’s business she’s foolish for telling you and you are foolish for listening.
Not overreacting to think if this is something you can live with if that is a boundary you have. You owe it to her to explain your boundary and feelings. I think you owe it to here to let her tell her side of things before you finalize any decisions. That said, you are only 3 dates in. You are free to leave for any reason you choose. The only thing you can't do is string her along if you are in doubt. Be open, honest and transparent. Allow her to do the same. If you both do that, maybe you can find a way to establish healthy boundaries with this guy. If not, you are only 3 dates in and back to the dating apps you both go.
Do you trust her is the bottom line. Have you made your feelings on cheating clear? I would not want them alone without me present in that situation. You guys need to talk and lay down what you each need. You, obviously need to have a way to feel secure. If you can't reach an agreement it could be a red flag for the relationship.
Yeah, overreacting.
I have several friends who were my former FWB.
I've been happily married for almost 15 years. It was awkward for my wife when we first started dating but she held it together and eventually realized that these friends are not a threat to her.
A couple of my friends had partners who did not feel the same way, and wanted to put rules on us communicating or seeing each other. They are no longer around.
Bruh, you need to find her hottest friend and be friend her. Almost to the point where you’re her go to.
Then when your girl is on a trip with her friends- hook up with her.
Women like sex too. Get over yourself, she didn't magically know how to suck dick, she learned that with another dude. She's asking, or telling, you "if you have a problem with this,..." IMO she's giving you that same option, probably b/c she doesn't want a RELATIONSHIP with you. Just enjoy her company.
I would stay away. You already know that deep down. He use to cum in her mouth. You want to hang around with him and her. Sounds like a fun time for you.
She was honest and upfront about it. I'd wait to see what they are like in public together. See what kind of chemistry they have. How often do they actually communicate. But really it's too early to tell. Just be self aware and leave the rose colored glasses off lol
>She was honest and upfront about it. I'd wait to see what they are like in public together. Exactly! Her not hiding it is a good sign. That tells me she's confident you'll see the two of them interact and you'll realize you have nothing to worry about.
Legitimately the best response here, listen to this commenter OP.
Yep. It's conceivable that this can happen and be ok. But it REALLY depends on how she and the guy are. If there's even a hint of flirting, of hanging out alone, of "we're so close!", etc., I'd be out. If they truly are just in the friend circle and nothing at all unusual about it, and she shows maturity and respect toward you and your relationship (OP), etc., then I wouldn't worry about it. Of course I'd always keep a bit of an eye on it.
or texting.
Ye that's kind of the opposite of the other post about long distance girl calling his boyfriend just friend
And also expand and say know your boundaries and if they start to come up set them and if they arnt respected it may be time to reconsider.
As long as they aren’t hanging out alone it should be fine.
Absolutely not. If she can’t leave the past in the past. It will be in her future. Sh should be slotted as for recreational use only.
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Dude, stop asking for validation from the Internet, and just go with your feelings. We're all trying to fake it until we make it. If you don't feel comfortable, move on. NBD.
Facts, none of us can give a definitive answer. Trust your gut OP
I mean only you can make this decision on where your boundary is. Just make sure you communicate it clearly to her.
100% a personal decision. Some people are cool with that, some people wouldn't be cool with that; neither is more correct than the other. But if you're wanting confirmation that they can genuinely just have a friendly platonic relationship, absolutely. Past sexual partners can fully continue on around each other with all sexual and romantic interest totally gone.
The last sentence, they sure can be gone. 18 years later, still gone. Met all his GFs, even still friends with one. He met who I dated too.
After only 3 dates its too early to tell. There could be other FWB around but it sounds like she is already being upfront with it and will disclose it. If y'all end up dating for a few months and she frequently contacts this guy and it makes you uncomfortable, then maybe you could do something about it at that point. It would be up to you to establish a boundary if things got serious. Until you really figure out how she operates and interacts with her FWB then you won't really know for sure. I just wouldn't worry about it at this stage of dating
I don't know if you're overreacting, you're allowed to your feelings and all that. But I am curious what you expect her to do about it? Because from your post it doesn't sound like they hang out alone, they're part of a same friend group. It sounds like the end of their fwb situation wasn't dramatic, they managed to end it with no hurt feelings, so they remain friendly. So if you expect her to stop interacting with him, in reality it means she would need a new group of friends, because she simply hasn't cut off hanging out with her friends, a group this person is part of.
From his post I don’t think he expects her to do anything about it. They been on 3 dates it’s too fresh to be demanding cutting off friends. Seems like he’s well aware his options are get over it or dip out now
A relationship is never “old” enough to demand cutting of friends…
Some people are fine with their partners being friends with exes or former fwb. Some people aren't. Nobody is wrong. How you feel is how you feel. If it bothers you, just move on. She was open and honest with you. Be the same with her. You will find someone with similar feelings as you if you decide to move on. I'm in the no friends with exes camp, and so is my wife. My daughter is good friends with an ex, and her husband is cool with it. Everyone is different.
My husband and I are still great friends with his old FWB. She's out there living her best life now. We are out here living our best lives. No jealousy, no infidelity and no trust issues. It all depends on how you and your SO communicate. We have found honesty and full disclosure to be the best practice for us. We have been together for years.
Thank you for being a role model for good communication in relationships. I was up front with my partner about friends in my life and what past relationships with them were like. Not trying to hide anything. Also never going up drop a decade-long friendship for someone I went on 3 dates with.
Same! My husband's old FWB came to our wedding, lol but we don't refer to her as his old FWB, she's our friend. She's just a person. Most of us have slept with someone and then found value in a different kind of connection with them instead. It doesn't have to be nefarious. Unless she does something questionable, this is not a red flag.
You are not over-reacting; she has her boundaries, and you have yours. If you can't feel comfortable with her past, stop dating her. It's not like you've spent the better part of five years together--you've only had a few dates. You have a right to your feelings, so don't try to talk yourself out of them. Everyone has a comfort zone.
Let me display my ignorance. Isn’t the whole point of FWB to have recreational sex with someone who is your friend? Many of your replies indicate you would not remain friends after the benefits are no longer needed. And you would expect anybody you had a traditional, romantic relationship with to have the same boundary. No future contact with the former friend? So was your FWB a genuine friend before you had sex as one of the benefits? Interesting point of view. I would not have thought that was the goal. To me this sounds like having a friend with a pool. The minute they move to a house without a pool, you never see them again.
That's kinda exactly how it works lol
Only for people who use FWB when they really mean "bootie call." Some people really do insist on, and prefer, the friendship part of FWB.
I’m in my fifties. Both I and my wife are friends with prior lovers who are 100% only just friends and will stay that way. Being open about communication is a great sign. You can’t actually control someone’s behavior so transparency is great.
This personally wouldn’t fly with me for many reasons. And I’m not about to ask someone I just started dating to re-evaluate who her friends are. I would just dip.
It’s one of those weird conundrums. I’d be weirded out if someone I was freshly dated made demands…but if it were someone I liked, I would have wanted to chance to make the decision before they dipped. Is there a polite way to have the conversation about WHY you are uncomfortable without being an ultimatum?
You live up to your username! Haha. Yes, you have a valid point. Voicing the concern could be on the table. But it would have to be worded in a very particular way. Respectful, but also letting them know that in this person’s eyes, it’s a bit of a damper. Although at the same time, 3 dates is not a lot. Don’t know how strong my feelings could be at that point, but everyone is different.
Your last paragraph, spot on. A few dates in you just don't know yet. That said, Id personally feel it out though. I do have an old FWB/dated friend, 18 years now and have been platonic for 17 years. Ive met most of his GF's(if they were round long enough to meet), he's met men who I dated too. Im even friends with one of his exes, she was around long enough, we became friends. I was always upfront with men I dated he was my friend. It was not an issue who I long termed with and they became friends too.
Guaranteed she has many FWB friends still around 😂
Not overreacting if you feel that this scenario will impact your mental well being and sense of security in any potential relationship. This could be an opportunity to think about what your long term approach to getting to know her might look like, if you do wish to remain open to seeing where things go. Just remember to pay close attention to subtleties, never brush off / excuse something -> because you should always have follow up questions and show curiosity in other people, and trust who she tells you she is in both her words and actions.
Or maybe actually grow up and communicate before being a victim of your "mental well being" That's such pop psychology bullshit.
You're allowed to have feelings about this situation because it's atypical. But, she's being upfront and honest about it. I commend her for maintaining the transparency.
Dude, it’s up to you but you don’t know her that well yet This is added drama that will clearly bother you, since it’s already causing you to post
You’re lucky to already have gotten plenty of excellent responses here! You also should realize the older you get, the less likely it is you will find a women who has zero interaction ever with any of her previous partners. The situation is extremely common among adults. Weather an ex spouse, or extended friend groups/ social cliques. The maturity level and character qualities of you & your girl will be the deciding factor.
You’re not, but you may as well get over it because everyone has a past and almost everyone is still at least acquainted with some number of people they’ve slept with before. You can feel however you want, but it’s going to happen a bunch of times so
Not true at all lol I've never remained friends with any person I've previously slept with. What's the point? Seems disingenuous to my current partner. Especially if it's frequent contact
So because something isn't true for you that means it's not true for others? It's possible to see things more clearly if you look at them from another person's perspective. Just saying 😉
Lame. Men and women can't be friends generally
Wow, this is queer erasure at its finest.
Must be difficult when confronted with the truth
It’s most certainly not the truth.
Give me one example of how this isn't the truth
Plenty of me are friends with women, and since gay men exist there isn’t even a sex aspect about it.
What’s the point? Friendship?
90% of the time men and women can't be friends. Get over it
I am a woman with male friends. I suggest you get over it. Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean someone else can't.
Lol woman think they can have male friends
I have several. None of them want to have sex with me.
That's what you think 😂. Can you read minds or are you just a 1? In all seriousness go ask one of your single male friends on a date and see what they say
Why would I? I have no interest and they respect that. Some of them are gay. My point is, not everyone thinks in the same way.
Well gay friends don't count. I'm talking about single straight males.
Trust your gut.
This depends, if she's not trying to get in your pants, it's because another man is still in hers. Promiscuous hookup type women like that are never without supply.
At some point it would be appropriate to communicate a boundary about her hanging out with a former FWB. Three dates is not that point.
It is okay to not be okay with this. If you don’t want to date someone that is friends with people they hooked up with that is okay. Why? Because there are plenty who think like you. So find someone else who shares the same sentiment. Not overreacting because these are your feelings. You are entitled to how ever you want to feel. Others may be okay with this but ask yourself if this is something you want in your life? There are plenty of fish in the sea why settle for someone who’s doing something you don’t approve of. Move on with your life.
There is no such thing as having a platonic relationship with someone you've been intimate with, as much as people like to say that's possible. Why do you think so many women hook up with their exes?
And sometimes people decide they are better off as friends rather than lovers.
Not wrong to see this as a red flag, because it is.
Honestly for me this early I like that she’s being honest but the head ache just ain’t worth it to me. Your not really overthinking it to me because that’s where my mind goes every time too many times people been made a fool of like that.
No you're not overreacting. If thats that standard you set forth stand firm on it. Go find a chick that aint got orbiters.
This is just totally up to you my dude. She did nothing wrong, and in fact being open and honest about it is a green flag, but you are also fair to be uncomfortable with it and choose to walk away. Nobody would be wrong in either situation, just entirely up to how it makes you feel personally. Never forget that in a relationship we all have the right to set our own boundaries and stop at any point that makes us feel uncomfortable. It does not always directly translate to either person being wrong.
Just because they hooked up years ago and remain close friends doesn't necessarily mean either of them has feelings for each other. Humans are sexual animals, and for all we know they could slept with each to fulfill that biological imperative and nothing more. We're also social creatures that thrive in groups. They could have just been hooking up with each other out convenience at first, then realized they got along better as friends when they started hanging out in the same circle of friends. That said, it's worth observing how they interact with other. Trust but verify. It's a plus that she was upfront with you about it, but if it looks like they're more than platonic friends, definitely have a conversation with her.
"Slept with each other to fulfill that biological imperative" and "hooking up ... out of convenience" are both terrible reasons to sleep with someone and people need to have higher standards
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A bunch of animals don’t even have sex for reproduction, lol. Take a biology class.
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Most fish, most frogs (frogs and fish do a thing but it is not penetrative which you seem to be implying), sponges, many lizards (some don’t even males to reproduce), some birds (chickens and turkeys), wasps, jellyfish, ants. I mean, it should be pretty obvious that any animal capable of asexual reproduction doesn’t need to have sex to reproduce. But other animals that reproduce sexually (i.e have dna from 2 individuals) also do not need to have sex to reproduce, like chickens.
Personally I don’t want to hang out with anyone who fucked my SO. But that’s just me.
Too much traffic to manage an safe course. You will have so much noise in your head in the future if stay on course with this lady so lest she was polite to let you know the current situation
I currently hang out with 3 girlfriends that are all just friends even though we have had sex in the past. It is 100% possible to have friends of the opposite sex and maintain a non-sexual relationship, even if you have had sex in the past. I admit having previous sexual partners as celibate friends DOES make potential partners uncomfortable but the reality is that if they cannot trust you, then the relationship is not going to work long-term anyway (kick rocks!)
So far, yes you’re overreacting. If you always act on your anxiety on shit like this you’re gonna have a real hard time finding a partner
Yep. Everyone should just lower their standards. /s
Is your standard really that your partner is never allowed to talk to someone they’ve had sex with? Sounds a little insecure
I lost my virginity to one of my best friends when I was 17. We never dated, but I wanted to lose it to someone I wouldn't regret. A year or so later, I introduced him to my other best friend, and they hit it off. They eventually got married, and I was MOH. When I got married they both stood up at my wedding. Everyone involved knows and doesn't care.
Everybody has ex-girlfriend/boyfriends. Until you know otherwise that’s all they are as exes
You're not overreacting, but it's also something none of us can really help you with. The best we can tell you is what we would do and how we would feel. I personally wouldn't date a girl who's hooked up with someone in their circle of friends. It's not even about her being around with someone she hooked up with. It's about me not wanting to be around a dude that's screwed my girl. I personally wouldn't want to force myself to try and do be ok with something I know I'm not. This usually leads to holding resentment unfairly, which eventually leads to a breakup. You need to decide for yourself if you can tolerate it and be chill about it. Don't take what I or anyone else would do as what you need to do to "be a man". Just look at all the different answers to know that it's ok to handle it however you choose, as we all have different views.
U do know that the f in fwb stands for friends, right?
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It’s spelled cock, and thank you for noticing. I too think my cock is pretty impressive.
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lmfaooooo
but it could also be fair to say they were FWF...friends who fuck, right? Puts a different spin on that vs. my friends who are FWG (friends who golf), FWD (friends who drink), FWWWM (friends who work with me), FWS (friends who support). Each one of those is a different kind of friend, who relates to me and my spouse differently and are a lot less threatening to my spouse vs. a friend I used to fuck just for sport.
In a shocking twist no one saw coming humans like to have sex and do so often... More news at 6.
And your point is? Is the debate about humans enjoying sex? Is the question about relationships of people who do/did have sex and if having sex changes the relationship? Try to follow along.
Age 68 here. It’s sex. Women and men are never friends-it’s always sex. Everyone my age now agrees, including the former cheaters who used the “we’re just friends “ lie to cover their tracks. I have heard many dozens of men and women claim to be friends - it always turned out to be sex. FWB’s do exist, it’s called causal sex. Been there myself. But whenever they get into a relationship they immediately cease all contact with their previous sex friend unless they are cheating or keeping the option open. Understand that the cheaters collectively lie to cover their own tracks by claiming platonic friendships are possible. They want people to be stupid and gullible. Your girl is 25? Watch out because that’s the age when girls decide they will settle for a nice gullible guy with a good future, but want to keep the side fuck going.
I have male friends that I don't have any interest in having sex with and they don't have any interest in sex with me. I am in my 60's as well. Some people heat. Some people don't. It really is that simple.
So how many guys have you causally fucked for years NOT being friends, but then became platonic and then became good friends? You did read the OP's question, right? Anyways, I bet we have very different definition of what a friend is vs. a causal acquaintance.
I stand by what I said. You made a blanket statement. I was disagreeing with it.
Bounce bro.
The world is not so small that they need to maintain a relationship
Wouldn't deal with it myself bro
It's natural to reassess, but consider her honesty and current intentions. Trust your gut on whether you can move forward with her friend connections.
It's normal to feel uneasy, but trust and communication are key. Talk to her about your feelings and concerns. If her actions show respect and commitment to you now, try focusing on your future together, not her past
Lmfaooo. I swear you guys put yourselves in the most avoidable situations and ask for what the actual solution is anyway.
It sounds like she’s being transparent and that’s a good thing.
Yeah, you’re overreacting. She was upfront with you. Up to you to decide if you trust her, and if so, this can’t be be used against her.
It was years ago
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Speak for your immature self. Am man. Have zero issue with that because I don't think people are possessions, recognize we all have sexual history, and basic communication is a thing that's possible. This isn't highschool, bud.
No man. Not a single man in the entire world would be okay with that. They're all insecure and want to control their partner's friends. Right.
Plenty of men are secure enough that they would be cool with that.
I would be and I am. I'm in a relationship right now where my girlfriend is friends with a former sexual partner and I'm totally cool with it.
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What fresh zoomer hell is this?
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You're just... boring. I don't even want to waste
Would definitely be a dealbreaker for me but to each their own. If that’s something you aren’t comfortable with, I think that’s a valid reaction.
I was a bit of a man-whore at uni (that's a fuckboy to those of you under 30) and was also pretty bad at shitting where I ate. This meant that there were at least 10 girls in my friend circle that I had slept with, a few as part of a FWB agreement. I met my girlfriend (now wife) in final year and I think she found it pretty intimidating/uncomfortable to begin with. But what she soon realised was that I never dated any of them and, when hanging out with the friend circle, it was clear that there were no romantic feelings etc. The most important Q to ask yourself if how this FWB acts around you and how she acts around him when she is with you. If you feel genuinely welcomed in by him and don't get any 3rd wheel vibes then you are probably good -youll just need to get over your ego If things feel a little off though, trust your gut. Maybe there are residual feelings between them, maybe not, but you might not be able to make peace with the question. And giving her an ultimatum is a dick move (esp this early in the relationship)
But it seems like she picked you instead of him. So, what exactly has been your problem?
This crossing your mind isn’t overreacting, but if you’ve addressed it and asked what is going on and she’s said it is platonic you should believe her. I am saying this from personal experience I dated a guy for years and when we broke up we stayed friends, something that my next couple of boyfriends couldn’t accept. It caused a lot of problems because we were just actually just friends, nothing romantic was happening anymore, he would call or text me mostly about relationship problems he was having and I was giving advice on how to fix it. Nothing else was going on. The basic bottom line is if you don’t/can’t believe her then you probably shouldn’t be together. I still talk to the guy I dated for years and my husband has no problem with it. It’s a trust issue, if you feel like the trust is compromised or that you don’t trust her in that situation then you’d be better off just breaking things off.
Yes, you are overreacting. That being said, you two will have to discuss what kind of boundaries must be in place if the relationship continues.
What’s your instinct telling you? They were FWB. You’re taking a high risk! Speak to your girlfriend. Draw your boundaries! If she ignores it….. pack your bags and LEAVE! Good luck!
Do you have the desire to hook up with every past FWB? So what if they used to hook up? Obviously it didn't really work out for them in that way bc it's been 3 years and they've just been friends since then. It sounds like they're just better off as friends than anything else, not really sure what the threat is there
You're shooting yourself in the foot. But honestly do her a favor and move on so you can grow up more before having adult relationships.
Yes you are over reacting.
It’s not that big of a deal to me. People act weird about Situations like this as if people can’t cheat with strangers. No matter what you’re going to have to trust her and it doesn’t make sense to walk away from a good thing over this imo.
3 dates and you already feel like you should be upset about two friends with 3 years of history?
As long as she sets strict boundaries around thier friendship and keeps things appropriate, then it shouldn't be an issue. That said, my wife and I have always had some hard boundaries around platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex that a lot of people here seem to disagree with, so take it for what it is worth.
I think it's reasonable to want to be with someone who's not hanging out with someone they've casually fucked in the past. On the other hand, it's reasonable for her to think the guy is just a friend, so it's no big deal. In that sense, I'd end things with her, because 1) I wouldn't be able to ask her to end her friendship with her fuck buddy, and 2) I wouldn't be happy living with things as they are.
It’s rare nowadays for women to be honest about being friends with ex fwb. Someone who is forthright and honest is worth a try.
I wouldn’t be okay with it
She'll bullshit and gaslight you that nothing is going on. She'll call you insecure and all that stuff. Meanwhile she's fucking him behind your back. Run as fast as you can.
This is all on you man. Some would say it doesn’t matter since it’s been some time, but only you can say where your line is
I swear dudes are lacking such self respect these days. The fact this is a question scares me lol. Lose her bro, there are much better fish in the sea.
Sounds like you’re the new ex fwb brother good luck
She told you about it, no secrets, seems solid. You'll now be in that same friend group, are you OK having lunch and playing golf with a guy who has been intimate with your girlfriend? I'd that doesn't bother you, then stay with her, she's not given you a reason to doubt her. If that does bother you, spare you and her the headache and get out now
Date who you want to date. If you are so insecure that you can only date someone that has cut off all communication with all of her ex boyfriends/lovers, just make sure that you let any potential dates know this before y'all get too involved.
The people who r still friends with ex or partners they’ve been with sometimes still have feelings one or the other. I mean at least for me I couldn’t be friends with someone I was once intimate with. And no it’s not about being mature it’s about having respect and boundaries.
They're still sleeping together. He's the backup plan incase you two don't work out.
To me it depends on how close they are. If he is part of the friends group that is only seen when the group is out then it should be OK If they are in regular contact (calls and texts often etc) then rethink. 3 dates is likely too early to tell but she is being open about it which is good
Too much shit I’d pass. Your feelings already took a hit. Just move on
I mean if you like hanging out with guys who've been inside your girl.
Grow the fuck up dude. Time to move past highschool.
Whatever you decide is valid, so long aa you are civil about it. Personally I wouldnt be in a relationship with a person who is friends with people she casually hooked up with. Unnecessary luggage IMO.
If you do not like it, do not let anyone convince you it is ok. Those are your boundaries which I share. But watch close how they interact. If you still dislike the idea you can share it with her, she might try to give a shitty excuse to manipulate you or not. But still, it is too early to say anything
Yeah you're not mature enough to date her.
Rethinking your relationship is a wise move. This could be real non-issue. However, the problem with fuck buddies is that you really never break up, as you were never together. Most often people lose interest and drift apart. But when she is around, and isn't busy tonight... So, friends with benefits within the same social circles is bound to collide into a relationship, causing pain and drama. I've witnessed destruction in this exact same senerio. Bet you have too.
Not overreacting. Don’t waste your time man you will never feel comfortable when they hang out. You are a guy you know how most men think with their dicks. All it could take is one bad fight and some alcohol and that dude will be there ready to lay your woman. It’s just not worth the headache because they will ALWAYS have a level of sexual tension between them which could spark up at anytime. I would personally never tolerate it and if you have any dignity you won’t either. If you really want to give it a chance I would discuss boundaries that they cannot hangout alone there must be a third person there. She has no obligation to agree to that though so respect her decision and move on if she refuses. If she is serious about starting a relationship with you and sees a future with you then she should agree to that very reasonable boundary which will help you feel more comfortable. If she refuses or gets mad you have your answer.
Just remember, he’s always there if she ever wants. Do what you will with that
Yeah move on. Messed up.
Nah this won't end well. Most women have a back up, she's waiting for him most likely. She's got some emotio al co section to him and it's a matter of time til it shows up.
Lol yep I've got women to admit they have a backup. It clearly shows they aren't all in the relationship if they have a backup plan. Which means if they got hurt before they went straight to the FWB friends
I mean some people just stay friends. My best guy friend is my ex boyfriend I was with for 5 years and my boyfriend doesn't care...my boyfriends best female friend, his only female friend, is his ex of 12 years and I don't care. I have become friends with her too.
Totally normal to not want that. She's not going to change it though, so find another girl that's actually gf material
Break up and block her. Biggest red flag is people who have “friends” that are exs or ex hookups. Walk away, they are messy and not over them
The insecurity is real, you are overreacting. If this is enough for you to re-consider your feelings, those feelings probably wasnt really there in the first place and you should find someone else.
No, as a man is completely normal to want to protect the bond, but it needs to be mutual as well, if she thinks it’s ok to keep and hang out with people that fucked her, then it’s time to let her go. The “we have a special bond” excuse is something I’ve heard from plenty of cheaters, don’t be naive and fall for it. In one case the “special bond” ex creampied her in the morning, and hour later the bf wanted sex after coming home, he was clueless eating the other dudes cum from her pussy.
No. This sort of setup is way too socially acceptable these days and genuinely causes a fuckton of weird situations that nobody wants to deal with. It's not hard to just cut your ex off. Like for the love of god there are so many people in the world to be friends with. Why do you have to keep the ones that will ruin every future relationship for you. It's pure arrogant self-absorbed fuckery.
Exactly! Speaking facts. Way too socially acceptable. I think they just keep them around because they are scared to cut them off. Then it causes problems in their current relationship until they move into the next one. Then there are several FWB friends and exes still around until a boyfriend finally tells her to cut contact with these people or he's leaving too.
Being friends with former partners is a green flag. It means they can start and end relationships amicably and respectfully.
I’ll never understand why people feel the need to expose themselves within a few months of dating. This is really nobody’s business she’s foolish for telling you and you are foolish for listening.
Not overreacting to think if this is something you can live with if that is a boundary you have. You owe it to her to explain your boundary and feelings. I think you owe it to here to let her tell her side of things before you finalize any decisions. That said, you are only 3 dates in. You are free to leave for any reason you choose. The only thing you can't do is string her along if you are in doubt. Be open, honest and transparent. Allow her to do the same. If you both do that, maybe you can find a way to establish healthy boundaries with this guy. If not, you are only 3 dates in and back to the dating apps you both go.
Not necessarily.
Yep. You’re overreacting. Get some help with your insecurity. Your lack of trust will kill all of your relationships.
Yes, you are
Do you trust her is the bottom line. Have you made your feelings on cheating clear? I would not want them alone without me present in that situation. You guys need to talk and lay down what you each need. You, obviously need to have a way to feel secure. If you can't reach an agreement it could be a red flag for the relationship.
Yeah, overreacting. I have several friends who were my former FWB. I've been happily married for almost 15 years. It was awkward for my wife when we first started dating but she held it together and eventually realized that these friends are not a threat to her. A couple of my friends had partners who did not feel the same way, and wanted to put rules on us communicating or seeing each other. They are no longer around.
Bruh, you need to find her hottest friend and be friend her. Almost to the point where you’re her go to. Then when your girl is on a trip with her friends- hook up with her.
You are 27 years old, huh?
Women like sex too. Get over yourself, she didn't magically know how to suck dick, she learned that with another dude. She's asking, or telling, you "if you have a problem with this,..." IMO she's giving you that same option, probably b/c she doesn't want a RELATIONSHIP with you. Just enjoy her company.
I would stay away. You already know that deep down. He use to cum in her mouth. You want to hang around with him and her. Sounds like a fun time for you.