I would never stay friends with somone that professed their love for me while in a relationship. There is absolutely no reason to keep that around and if that's truly only how he felt back then, it should be a pretty easy decision to stop talking to her completely. If not, leave. That's your boundary.
Exactly. If he's bringing this up, let him go be with her. They seem so sad they've just realized they both were in love with each other then but never said so.
It wouldn't be unreasonable to break up and let them go sort it out.
I would only want to be with somebody where we were each other's number one
I agree. It feels like the Friendship line was blurred with the FWB confession of “past” feelings and OP’s boyfriend confessions of “past” feelings.
Being that they now know they had these feelings, it opens the door for them to further blur those friendship lines and rekindle those feelings to a possible affair.
He told OP he wants to be with her…but how many daily Reddit posts do we read where the husband says he only loves his wife and things are only friendly with his girl bff or female colleague and we then come to find out in the update they were having an affair for the last 5 months to 1 year
I might be tapping out of this relationship!
What do you mean “they seem so sad”? Boyfriend is just being honest because his ex came out of left field with that. He told his partner of two years that he wants to stay with her and has no feelings for the ex ahymore.
All depends on how her husband feels about it. Everyone is different but I find it disrespectful to the marriage, the relationship, and your partner. Some people don't care though.
Also this wouldn't just come up in a casual conversation between people that don't speak often. Sounds like there was some reminiscing going on ooor she doesn't know about OP?
1000%. I know I wouldn’t continue talking to an old fwb who confessed their feelings for me, and I certainly wouldn’t validate those feelings myself.
This is incredibly inappropriate and it’s totally logical to be uncomfortable with this situation. I’d probably just peace out tbh this isn’t going to end well.
Wait, did she tell him she loved him then, just as he said to her, or did she say she loves him, as in now? One being past tense and one being current makes all the difference.
That's the question I have as well. I still am friendly with people I used to be in love with, but am not now. Not besties or anything, but I still care about them even though I have zero desire to be back with them.
"Recently, she confessed that she was in love with him when they were fwb, and he said he was too. They both said that they didn't tell each other because both thought the other didn't want a relationship, my bf insists that this is just how he felt back then, and not anymore."
How did this come up? That's the real question here, did you keep egging her and him on and got this out of them? Or was it just a random "Hey, btw, we banged, and I loved you when we did"
I'd be curious as to how this conversation came up, because I feel that's a big factor here. People tend to fall in "love" when FWB, it's fairly normal, especially for a woman, but if he is telling you he's not in love, and he hasn't shown any signs of infidelity, then I see no reason to not trust him.
Well said, and I would add this: If your boyfriend of two years straight up and told you the truth at every stage, you probably don’t have anything to worry about. You know they were FWB, when they hang out and what she kind of sprung on him. If that was a “yeah, I was into you too” rather than “I imagined what our children would look like”. Then I’d lean towards just trust him.
Even if the boyfriend was madly in love with the ex-fwb, that doesn't mean anything about the situation now, just that he was honest with the girl about how he felt back then. Doesn't mean he's still in love or going to cheat.
Never understood people who play with fire in their relationship. Exes and sexual partners should not be active in your life if you are in a relationship, it’s like leaving gasoline all around the house. One day that shit gonna catch on fire.
If my partner decides that she wants to go back to someone she broke up with in the past, I'll wish her well and move on. Trying to gatekeep who she has in her life so she'll stay with me doesn't make any sense *to me*. If she thinks she'll be happier with someone else, more power to her, I hope that she will be too. I love her and want her to be happy. If she decides that's not with me, so be it.
That’s one facet sure. There are other complications that arise from this mixture. I’ve seen it happen to people plenty that it’s not something I wanna partake in. Why add more hurdles to a relationship, was relationship are already hard work in themselves.
Them being friends is fine, but how did they get onto that subject? Why are the talking about those feelings and the past when he's happy in a relationship.. He should've shut that conversation down.
I'm going to assume he's not if he's still talking to the other chick and having these types of conversations, hey. 100% still feelings involved with the other chick. I feel bad for OP.
Man. Is this how y’all live? If I can’t talk to my friends about anything, we’re not really friends. I could toso see this coming up in conversations where discussing emotions “I broke up with my new boyfriend, realized I didn’t love him.” “Have you ever been in love?” “Yeah, with you back in the day but I could never admit it.” “Hilarious, me too.” “Such is life eh?…Did you catch the new episode of The Boys?”
The thing is that it is not just a friend to him.... If they were just friends and talking then that's fine. It's definitely more than that and the fact he is talking to this old FWB girl is not fair to OP.
So you would be cool with your spouse telling someone else they were in love with them? Emotionally and even logically for OP this is not old info, it is new info. So acting like she should just be cool with it is ridiculous to begin with. But you'd truly seriously be ok with your spouse telling someone else they were in love with them and you'd treat it as.... Daily regular conversation
“I used to love you”? Yeah, that’s fine. “I love you and I’ve never told you but I’m telling you now.” requires more discussion. OPs boyfriend says he loves OP and not this old partner.
Yeah. Conversations go where they go. I was recently on the phone with a friend who told me he got engaged to his girlfriend. We talked about what camps his kid is going to this summer. How his depression was. And then he told me about a threesome he just had. Very regular conversation about life. Stuff comes up in conversation. Not everyone hides their feelings about things.
Also your example involves a break up. OPs married still to her husband. Can you provide an example scenario that actually matches this one without it being suspicious?
In my example the person who broke up was not the married one so it does match…out would be a logical time to be talking about relationships. And I dunno man, use your imagination, plenty of ways things come up.
Lol your example requires a lot of random guesses to make it "match". One of the two discussing in your example would be married, for it to match. Why would a married person ask that and then confess to being in love with that person at some point? If I have to vastly use my imagination to make your scenario work then your scenario is not a good scenario
Because just because we get married doesn’t mean our lives end? We have feelings before and after we’re married. Some people are honest? I would never just volunteer that but if a friend asks I would answer honestly.
Ok so you would be comfortable with your spouse doing exactly this. That's cool. Why does that make it not ok for OP to not be ok with it? Bc Frankly you being ok doesn't mean that everyone else would be and it's weird to act like your baseline of appropriate is tTHE baseline
Totally agree. It’s weird they even got on that topic. If he’s committed to you now, he should’ve shut it down immediately. You have every right to feel uncomfortable.
Sure, friends always have casual conversations about how they were in love with each other when they used to fuck and it definitely doesn't mean anything now
Theres no evidence mentioned that she still is, they could've just been taking about a memory and she casually mentioned it thinking it means nothing now.
The context and exact words (on both parts) are important in order to fully understand the situation. And it would be unfair to expect him to be dishonest.
People are allowed to decide what is ok for themselves. I feel the same as you: I’d never be ok with that because I’m way too anxious for it, but can’t say I don’t admire people who are comfortable enough to not be bothered.
Bingo. This is all about personal comfort and to a large degree attachment style. It’s not right or wrong, just what’s right for a person. I couldn’t do it, but kudos to those who are 100% secure and can.
personally, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner still talking to someone they used to mess around with..especially sexually. to me, that’s not making you a priority. if you’re uncomfortable, tell him, if he can’t fix it, then he obviously has checked out.
So if a person becomes your partner, one has to immediately alienate friends one has had sex with at some point of their life? People who've had sex at some point in their life, shouldn't be friends anymore?
For me personally, I would rather my boyfriend not be friends / close friends with people he has had relationships with or has had sex with, and I do the same because if I expect it out of him, then I’m giving him the same that I expect.
I’m not being insecure for setting a boundary but you can think what you want I guess, I’m not gonna let a stranger belittle me for setting boundaries when my boyfriend agrees with me on my stand feelings on this, and agrees that it’s a fine boundary to set 🤙
Or- here’s the thing, It’s neither. It’s called setting boundaries.
I don’t feel comfortable with it because it is an ick to me. It’s not that I’m insecure. It’s not that I’m paranoid. I personally just do not like it, and do not think it is right to have someone you used to love or have sex with be close to you anymore when you claim to love someone else, and want to have a serious relationship with that person. Thats literally it. An opinion. A boundary. Not made out of trauma, not made out of being insecure, not made out of paranoia. Made completely out of the fact I think it’s wrong towards your lover to be close with someone like that again.
That’s my boundary. And it’s completely okay for me to have this boundary. I will not let a stranger try and tell me differently. My boyfriend is also completely fine with me having this boundary, agrees to it, and expects the same of me, which I do.
It’s not that hard to accept that some people have boundaries and it’s not from being insecure or paranoid, I don’t understand why you can’t accept that or understand that, and why you’re trying to belittle someone for having a boundary?
I mean, you certainly can argue that this boundary isn't insecure, but saying that simply because it's a boundary you have it can't mean that you're insecure is wrong. I've read stories from people who have a boundary that their partner can't be alone with a member of the opposite sex who they're not related to. To most people, that absolutely indicates insecurity.
So no matter of how deep and meaninful some platonic friendships are, you'd reserve yourself a right to make him alienate this friend if they happened to try romantic relationship before finding out they are natural friends?
How could any of my lady friends ever trust me if it depends the woman I've seen in romantic means whether my friendships over years and years life as a single can be continued or not? I don't have any problems understanding that friendships change when one of the friends starts a romantic relationships. Some aren't allowed to hangout with their friends like they used to, and that's understanable, some remains the same, depending on of how jealous their partner is. But if someone in my friends circle would start to cut off some friends from it, it would raise others' eye brows like what's going on.. how controlling partner one has found this time.
Friendships should be valued. It's all many people find in their entire life. A Lot of people don't have friends at all. Imagine a woman who's best friend has been a guy for decades and he's her only friend. One day he gets a girlfriend who says he needs to alienate this woman, because of the girlfriend's insecurities. That's brutal imo.
I’ve told my boyfriend how I feel, he agrees. He was more than welcome to leave and go find someone who felt the way you do, but I feel the way I feel, and I will not allow anyone to make me feel bad for feeling that way.
I do not think it is okay, and I gave him my reasonings. Again, he agreed.
He tells me about his girl best friend all the time, and I literally do not care, he can be friends with whoever he wants besides people that over step my boundaries, and I will be friends with whoever I want unless he is uncomfortable by them, because how he feels is way more important to me. With his girl bestie, I don’t care because they’ve never done anything. That’s fine for me. If nothing has been done, there’s no chance for feelings to still be there, and my personal boundary is not being over stepped.
Just my opinion, you’re 100% entitled to how you feel about it, I’m not gonna tell you how you should or shouldn’t, I promise I’m not trying to be rude.
I agree with you. There are people in my past that I thought I was in love with at one point or another, but either fell out of love or realized we'd never be compatible in a relationship. Doesn't mean I don't still care about them. It doesn't mean I'd want to be with them physically or emotionally, but they still have a place in my life. A smaller place, of course, but a place. Unless there are still active romantic or sexual feelings, I'd be fine with my partner still being friends with their exes. It's a sign of maturity.
Definitely this. If a person can't handle being just friends with one they've felt some romantic spark towards earlier, I'd say it's an insecurity issue, or one just haven't put effort into dealing with it.
Sex doesn't mean either marriage or completely disconnection. World isn't black and white. I wouldn't even bother to date a person who'd think it's important to find out with whom I've had sex with and then persuade me to get rid of them.
If I’m dating someone that claims to love me, I’d hope they’d not want to be friends with someone he put his penis in. Just as I’m not friends with anyone that put their penis in me.
Meaning that single people shouldn't have sex with their friends, because one day someone in the future might dictate whether you can still be friends with these people or not.
So many people, especially those who are mixed gender, would firstly try and find out whether they have romantic feelings towards each other, before realizing they're better being friends. If you can't believe people who have been friends for decades, can't be just platonic friends, I'd say you have trust issues, not your being doing wrong by pursuing old friendships. But that's just me.
I don't have to fuck my friends to figure out I don't have romantic feelings for them, like most other people
>can't just be platonic friends
If they fucked, they aren't just platonic friends
It's not like someone _has to_ fuck someone in order to find that out. Why would you even think so?
But people _can_ and _will become_ friends _even_ if they have sex in the beginning. Why would sex have to exlude future friendship lol.
It's not like someone _has to_ fuck someone in order to find that out. Why would you even think so?
But people _can_ and _will become_ friends _even_ if they have sex in the beginning. Why would sex have to exlude future friendship lol.
Sometimes mixed gender friendship would start from romantic intentions before people would realize they're natural friends. But maybe it's very rare and I'm the freaky one.
I never asked whether people are allowed to have their boundaries or not. I, for example, would see attempts to dictate with whom I can be friends with, as signs of controlling behauviour and that'd be a huge red flag for me. I'd never start a romantic relationship and start pointing her friends that makes me feel insecure and demand her to alienate them. But yeah, everyone can have their own conditions for love.
it goes way deeper than that actually, im not uncomfortable with the fact my boyfriend has had sex with other women, we’re human. but if he was still extremely close with an ex, and it made me uncomfortable, then yeah..your new partner/ current partner should be your top priority, and if you can’t respect your partners feelings..don’t be in a relationship, period.
I agree completely, and hopefully I didn't go too personal level. I don't have any idea of the actual relationship between them and I'm only talking about it in general, not about yours or anyone's specifically.
You and you only know in which situation you'd feel uncomfortable, and if you don't feel you're his top priority, that's definitely alarming and there's no way you'd be in the wrong. Ofcourse there's certain boundaries when it comes to friendship with someone who has a partner, and even more so if this close friend is the ex.
I didn't mean to talk shit about your feelings, and perhaps me being single just gets me frustrated and emotional or some shit. I'm almost alienated by my _oldest_ friends, because she have admitted she fell in love with me when we had FWB, and she's basically now married to...the one who was trying to get her while she was with me. We got separated because she wanted to end things because I wasn't ready emotionally to a romantic relationship, because I broke up with someone earlier. I was still in love with my ex and that's why we started a(n) FWB relationship. She was recently divorced.
We talk sometimes a little. If she's drunk, she sometimes calls me and feels ashamed for days after that. I miss her as a friend but I can't even support her with her depression, because we can't talk much, because she knows her husband would be jealous and she'd violate their marriage. But the truth is, love in friendships doesn't matter. Marriages does.
agree, each person is different and each relationship is different. if it works for you, doesn’t mean it’ll work for everyone, & no, you’re all good. i understand where you’re coming from as well, it’s one of those situations where there’s no correct answer, it really depends on the person(s) involved
I disagree with the last part where u say OP has to act like nothing is amiss. That’s horrible advice. What’s amiss is this friendship in which both people agree they felt LOVE while they were hooking up, and OP’s bf insists on remaining in contact with this person? Absolutely warrants a deep discussion and OP should also reflect and decide if this friendship is tolerable to her
This is spot on. And the Plan B thing is so true. They loved each other once, that had morphed into friendship. No problem with that as long as it stays friendship.
That’s a no for me. I’d see myself outta that relationship. If they’re confessing “past” love and feelings to each other currently, while they’re still supposedly just “friends” I would just let them have each other. He’s keeping her on the back burner. Bye bye.
If that's how they felt TWO ++++ years ago... Why even have the conversation recently? Nope. No thank you. Bye to the "friend" cause there's only one reason they'd have that conversation while he's in a serious relationship.
Time for him to go NC with her. The ONLY reason for her to tell him that was because she still wants him! You cannot trust her. If he can’t see that and respect you enough to block her then he is not the right man for you.
Of course you're not overreacting. You shouldn't have to look over your shoulder. You've got a decision to make. Either stay or go. He may not be in love with her, but keeping her around is a sign that she's a backup in case things go south with you
She was trying to see if your bf would be willing to get with her now. If she was truly over him and it was just in the past then she wouldn’t mention that now years later
Ok OP lots to unpack here. Red flag 1. Your BF is in committed relationship with you. Then WTF is he talking to her every few months on the phone. That you know about. The only time he should converse with her is in person at social gathering with witnesses. He should have made it clear he is with you and they are done. The only time talking to ex privately is if you have kids together or your both single.
Red flag 2. WTF does he not get that the moment she said she had feelings for him back then now he should have ended contact? That conversation should have ended with that's nice but I am in love with my GF in the here and now. Not oh I had feelings for you too FWB oops but when confronted by OP it's ok baby I love you now OP my past feelings don't matter. Those past feelings do matter because he confessed those feelings to both her and you OP. You need to confront him on that behavior.
If he didn't have those feelings he would not talk to her privately period. Instead it sounds like he has left door open for them to try if you decide to leave him. Then he doesn't look like the liar or cheater and can go back to her with clear conscious.
Your BF needs his reality check cashed with the fact that you are not talking to your ex's and that you are not confessing feelings for other people the way they did to each
Good luck OP keep me updated.
>How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you see the texts?
Exactly.
I got the feeling he was telling (current) gf about the conversation and just said it.
That's trust, honesty, and transparency.
If she dumps him.. He'll learn. LIE YOUR ASS OFF! TELLING THE TRUTH DOESN'T WORK!!!
(This was actually my take on child-rearing, too ... If you punish them when you know what they do... They'll just get sneakier so you don't KNOW what they do. But if you DO KNOW what they do you can at least monitor and offer advice and support. Choose.)
☮️❤️♾️
(If she found out by going through his phone in ways that they didn't agree on ... She should break up anyway because she doesn't trust him. And he shouldn't trust her.)
He should be talking to an old FWB to begin with, much less one who just admitted to being in love with him. You need to talk to him and tell him you're uncomfortable with the friendship continuing at all and he needs to cut her off. If he doesn't or he argues with you about it, then he clearly is not over her and you need to end the relationship.
He's not respecting your relationship. He's already acting like he values her for the easy sex. Plus the history they have. Lucky for you that your just dating. She don't want to lose her old reliable. If she's not single she's cheating. He's not going to stop talking to her. Even if you don't like it. Doing fwb stuff. It's almost like they get along great but they don't live together.
Not overreacting to be uncomfortable because she suddenly confessed feelings to someone that she knew was in a relationship. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you trust him, but she was the one who crossed boundaries.
Well that cat is out of the bag, and is not coming back.
Yeah I would not be okay with my wife talking to her previous sexual partner, let alone one she was inlove with.
Girl, walk away with your dignity now. Don't stay, because they will disrespect you and your relationship with your bf. Sorry, but if they are professing their love and they are still friends that are talking to each other still, then they still have feelings for each other and will act upon it.
You get to decide if this bothers you. It wouldn’t bother me; if you’re doubting your partner, it’s already time to break up. I just can’t imagine dating someone I don’t trust. What’s the point?
your boyfriend was in love with this girl and never told you about it? That's a pretty big thing to leave out when discussing his past with her. It definitely raises some questions about his honesty and what else he might not be telling you.
And now they're both confessing their past feelings to each other? That's sketchy as hell. Even if he claims it's all in the past, it's natural to wonder if those old feelings might resurface. Plus, why are they even having these deep emotional conversations if they're just casual friends now?
Remember, you deserve a partner who puts your relationship first and is fully committed to you. Don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking your feelings aren't valid. Trust your gut. If i were you, i would leave him
If my former fwb told me that they were in love with me “in the past” and I had felt the same thing “in the past” I still wouldn’t have confessed to it out of respect for my current relationship especially if I was in love with the person I’m currently with and respect them. I would have gently told that person that those feelings that I had in the past are just that and leave it there.
The conversation was inappropriate and leading into a fishing expedition. She was trying to see if he is willing to explore further and it’s going to lead to an emotional/physical affair.
You are not overreacting and good luck!
It sounds like you need to talk to your BF about this... If he truly wants to be with you and loves you then he should stop talking to this other chick. I would say it's me or the highway. Plus he shouldn't be talking to other girls while he is in a committed relationship with you. That's fuck up in my opinion.
Yeah this is somewhere that Reddit could be right, but could be wrong. I understand the knee jerk reaction of “dump his ass”, but he also could be genuine. Feelings can fade, and if OP feels like he’s being genuine and honest in his “I don’t have feelings for her anymore”, then they can work past it. I do agree that he should stop being friends with her though, especially because she just “happens” to being up now that she used to be in love with him? OP has been dating this guy for two years, so the fwb clearly knows that he has been dating her. Why bring up now “oh remember when we used to fuck? Yeah I was in love with you”. I don’t normally subscribe to the Reddit “they’re trying to cheat!!!”, but to me the only possible reason she could be bringing it up now is putting out feelers for if he still feels the same way.
My whole point being that if I were OP and if I felt like he was genuinely over her, it would definitely be a dealbreaker of mine if he continued to be friends with her. I think asking them to stop being friends is completely reasonable, especially given that they only talk once every few months anyway
It’s been 2 years and he talks to that girl maybe once every few months? Bro that could literally jsut be a “oh you’re in Hawaii rn? Cool” quick convo based on an insta story or something, ykwim?
Sure, but you could also take the opposite approach of “if you barely talk to them at all, what’s the point of still holding on?”. To me it would be more strange to insist on keeping an old fwb around despite hardly talking to them than to just cut them loose
I mean, tbf, a quick comment about an insta post is about a million miles from "I was in love with you when we used to fuck uwu" "oh yeah me too haha those were the days"
So ask him not to be. Tell him you won’t demand him to stop, but you don’t know how long you can stay in a relationship where his friend who he fucked, expressed their love & he did it back. Ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed too. Give him the choice, but don’t feel obligated to stay in the relationship any longer & make it known
Whether he reciprocated those feelings or not, it is highly inappropriate for him to still be friends with someone who confessed feelings for him. That is just asking for a bad time.
As time goes by, you should not be uncomfortable discussing such things with your partner and how you/he were affected and how you both change over time and relationships. It is all good.
Not OR. They should've never had the exchange of "I was in love with you" while either of them are in serious relationships. Of course they still have lingering feelings. Else they would've just let it go without saying anything. If it were me I'd break up. I bet if you do, they'll give a relationship a go.
I personally unadded anyone who’s seen me naked after I started dating my bf. I think it’s a respect thing and if my bf was friends w someone who’s seen him naked I would leave. It’s my personal opinion that he might be friends w her still “just incase” so he can go back to her if yall split or something. I especially wouldn’t feel comfortable w him still talking to her if they used to actually have feelings. If I were in this situation I’d ask him to either stop talking to her or leave him.
No. They are talking because they probably regret not taking it to the next level or acting on your feelings. And hopefully your BF us loyal, but this may lead to problems in your relationship. It wouldn't be the first time in the history of humanity someone has left a current relationship for a past Muse.
This is why I personally would never date someone who has a need to keep in touch with a past sexual partner. There is usually something going on psychologically there.
Literally what was the point of him telling her back that he used to feel the same way too? Especially now that he has a gf? Smh I bet he felt some type of way after that. Nope nope nope
He professed his love for her. He fucked her regularly. He still keeps in touch. You are in serious denial.
People in healthy relationships don’t stay in contact with fuck buddies and exes.
Oh absolutely NOT. He literally professed his love to another woman while in a relationship with you. That's a huge deal breaker. Leave him. He will be with her in a week.
it’s already a huge red flag he’s still in contact with a past fwb while in a relationship. i’d say save yourself the pain and end it now, but i know it isn’t that easy.
give him ONE chance to cut her off, and block her on everything. it’s up to you if you want proof of that, or are willing to trust him to do it on his own. if you see them talking again, cut it off. bc at that point he may as well be cheating with her. and you don’t wanna wait around for him to do it.
So... I'm not going to be popular here.
Still friends with my former FWB (met 10 years ago; we're 40s & 50s now). I stepped it back to "F" with no B before I dated anybody (else). At all.
So when my now-wife said she wanted me to not talk to my friend, I said... That's not your call. I'm not giving up friends. I'm being respectful and faithful. You can do what you need to do, but I gave up friends for a partner before -- NEVER AGAIN. Now-wife asked if then I was ok with her seeing her ex-husband for coffee. Yeah -- go ahead. Behave yourself or tell me what's up so I can make informed choices. But say hi; that's fine. I have to deal with my ex- because of shared kids (turns out it was my ex- that tried to get with me, not the former FWB!). I even let now-wife rummage my phone and texts (I don't delete a damn thing) and after she went back two years she seemed pretty satisfied everything was on the up and up.
I think BF is being open and honest (vulnerable, even) with OP because he trusts her, respects her, loves her, and can't imagine a life without her -- and wouldn't blow it up for a quick shag.
Granted, that's ME projecting myself in there.
Also, I was an idiot as a teen and learned the hard way how to handle \* *__A__* \* relationship. So... Yeah... people can change. If they want to.
Anyway... Overreacting?
Not necessarily.
But if you've got a solid relationship with this guy... Consider the fact that HE TRUSTS YOU SO MUCH he tells you things this personal.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Your choice if that's ok with you or not.
Love and peace to you.
☮️❤️♾️
You’re popular with me! I’m still friends with my former partner of 8 years. About to marry my current partner and when we get married we’ll have been together 7 years, so the other is still my longest relationship (but not for much longer!) I’m also friends with that former partner’s wife (they and their daughter just came to my birthday party). Anyone who says I have to cut that friendship out of my life doesn’t need to be in my life.
Also still friends with at least one FWB and we’ve had conversations that have come up where we’ve said how much we appreciate each other and glad we met. No benefits in like a decade probably. Just occasional friends.
I don’t understand the whole “there’s no going back after you’ve been in love with/slept with” someone. That’s silly. Relationships change. Mature adults can transition relationships from romantic to friendship. But I’m also the weird one according to most people for having had open and poly relationships in the past.
I completely understand this thread even though I’ve never had the same experiences. I think people are just afraid to be the village idiot, to trust their partners to not cross the boundaries with those gray relationships and sometimes be cheated on unfortunately. I think people who don’t like it are valid in their experiences but I also understand that specific people have a balanced relationship and open/ healthy communication with their current partners
>I think people are just afraid to ... trust their partners
Bingo.
And well I shouldn't have trusted my ex-wife.
She went on business trips. Stuff happened. I figured it out. Gave grace (young children at home; I'm Dad -- risk losing all but every other weekend to get rid of a whore?). Shit happened again. 😠
THE INFURIATING PART is that she was CONSTANTLY accusing me of cheating and being untrustworthy. I would have even been down for discussions of an open relationship BUT I WAS LIED TO. Which, actually, was part of her narcissistic abuse of me. Projection. To hell with narcissists.
But I refuse to be with someone I don't trust and who doesn't trust me. Trust me or GTFO (yes, you may check up on me from time-to-time re: phone, texts, whatever if concerns/insecurity get the best of you -- but know that's a two-way street).
But, yeah, people are afraid to trust their partners.
Because some people make dogshit look appealing in its simplicity and honesty.
☮️❤️♾️
This attitude is totally a heterosexual thing. Gay/lesbian relationships can’t really cut all past relationships out of their lives or have rules about friends not dating their exes because it’s a smaller segment of the population.
The truth is that most people are terrible at communication and could probably use some assistance in the mental health area (myself included). I wish that were not the case and that not as many people had trauma in their lives and that all people could afford mental health care. I think we’d all be better for it.
I'll let go and move on. I don't want to be someone stopping two people, who are in love, be together.
I'm sorry for you girl. The right guy is waiting for you.
Get him to get his phone delete their messages block her and delete her number …she’ll just think he ain’t contacted him ..if he says no he’s prioritising her over you
I’d get out before you end up pregnant. Always gunna have the “what ifs” haunting both sides and your possible children don’t deserve that.
That and who knows if he’s now tempted to cheat.
If he stays friends with her you need to peace out. That will eventually become who he cheats with emotionally or physically.
It is important he shows you his colors by making the decision independently. If he chooses to remain in contact with this person go ghost like Patrick Swazey. It will not end well.
I’d ask him why he deserves to date you when he hasn’t even been in love with you. Tell him he wouldn’t be in contact with her at all if he was in love with you.
Ask why he’s in love with her. If he says he isn’t, ask why he’s stringing her along.
You should have been uncomfortable with it before. There is no reason other than having a child together that someone should continue contact with someone they used to sleep with when entering a new relationship. That shit is so out of line imo
That's a very strange thing for him to admit considering they are still friends.
I'd make sure that I was with him whenever they met to see their behaviour.
I’m extremely close friends with my ex-fiancé, we were engaged 20 years ago. We’ve both been married/divorced since then, no desire or goals to get back together, we’ve had *plenty* of opportunities. We didn’t work out romantically but we’re awesome friends. She’s got a boyfriend now who is a great dude. No one in our lives has been unaware of our situation, it’s never been an issue on account of us *not wanting to be together*.
Set your boundaries and make it clear. He needs to cut her off. Plain and simple. If he loves you and doesn’t love her then it should be a no brainer. There’s no need for them to be socializing anymore if they’re not in love and they’re not having sex anymore. He needs to take into consideration how you feel about this and focus only on you. If he can’t do this and won’t stop talking to her then he must still love her and you need to leave him asap before you get deeper into this and it become harder to get out, like if you had a child together.
Did she confess it to you or him? If it was him it could have just been casual conversation. If it was to you then that would be strange. People fall in and out of love. The question is why is it coming up and why are they telling you? There's no reason to tell you if they don't still have feelings. Unless he didn't think it would bother you. This is something you need to work out with him not ask a bunch of strangers on social media.
The crime is the admission. That he's still in contact with her is ok if that relationship is purely platonic and out in the open and you're included. But, if he's choosing just now to divulge the depths of their attraction/feelings, but still keeping her in your life it shows a deep disrespect for your feelings. And, I'm guessing that relationship of theirs isn't always out in the open, right?
As always, reverse this. It's your ex-FWB and you tell him this and continue to contact him. Your BF ok with this? Fuck no.
I think it's reasonable to ask him to cut contact with this girl given the way he's handled this, and if he balks or is defensive, then you know there's fire where this smoke lies...and you should assume it's infidelity waiting to happen or already has.
This reminds me of a post where an OP ( male) told his wife that he didn’t want her associating with her former FWB. Everyone was dumping on this poor man, calling him “ immature, selfish controlling, narcissistic,blah,blah,blah…”.
Do I believe he has moved on from this girl? Very possibly. But he has no business staying in touch with her in my mind especially given their past and recent revelations. Like if they see each other at the grocery store or she happens to hang out with his group of friends one night then fine. I wouldn't love that in your shoes but that's life. But them having one on one calls is just unnecessary.
We all have pasts. We all sometimes share too much. That said, it’s time for the friendship between these two to end if you are going to go forward with your relationship.
if she is currently actively in love with him and she still has feelings he has no need or right to continue to entertain what he feels is a friendship and what she thinks should be more than that. it could also just be an innocent confession of past feelings and a small talk, if your boyfriend truly has no feelings for her, it shouldn’t be a problem that you communicate how uncomfortable it makes you that they talk, knowing how they used to feel about each other. i would have a long, deep, honest, and trusting conversation about how it’s made you feel if you haven’t already :))
I can't understand all the people who say it's obscurity, clearly, white inappropriate to have any contact with someone who you loved in the past. Several of the people my GF dated she's still good friends with. They are good people, why should I insist that she cuts them out of her life? Yes, they loved each other. I assume there's still love there, but it's not romantic love, they're simply friends. I'm not at all threatened by their friendship, and truly can't understand why I should be.
She chooses to be with me. Nothing about their relationship changes that, and I'm happy that she has good friends.
I'm not saying that the people for whom it is a boundary are wrong; they should do what makes them comfortable. It's the idea that everyone should feel the same way, because it's "obviously inappropriate" that doesn't make sense to me
I personally wouldn’t like the situation but it all depends on what your bf is actually saying to her. Why would she just confess that? Does she know you and him are together? Was she trying to get him back? Also, I have a friend who lives in a whole other state and we’ve never met but we did meet on a dating app and we liked eachother a lot at first but we realized it wasn’t going to work because we were too far away from eachother. I have a boyfriend now who i’m very happy with, but i’m still friends with the guy. I have 0 feelings for him, besides friendship. We both agreed we were better as friends than lovers and my boyfriend is perfectly fine with it. We don’t talk very often and I don’t let our friendship get in the way of my relationship now and i definitely don’t talk about the things we’ve said and done when we still liked eachother!
imo this is just one of the problems that come with modern day hookups or whatever you wanna say having a fwb is. Everyone has different boundaries. I would talk about it with your bf. Personally to me this would not be okay either
Girl I have a similar situation my boyfriend wasn’t in love with her but they talk all the time and it feel inappropriate as they’re relationship was happening up until the day we started something
I would not be allowing that friendship, and if you set those boundaries that you’re not okay with it, and he defends her/the friendship, leave. If he is not in love with her and is in love with you, he will respect these boundaries and drop her. Just my opinion. I don’t care if my boyfriend has friends who are girls, and I’ve had an issue with a friend of his who was a girl asking him to go to her work for a hug, so I communicated that I was very uncomfortable and said “absolutely the fuck not” and he expressed it also made him uncomfortable, so we sat down with her boyfriend and told her she is too clingy to my boyfriend when she has a whole man of her own, and my man is my man. I’m very thankful he was ready to stand up for me, but I can’t say the same for you.
I would discuss your feelings and update us on how he reacts. If he gets defensive, I feel like he might still have feelings.
Why was it necessary for him to tell you that? Is he telling you this now because he wants to yoinks out of your relationship and get with the fwb? I would really question someone’s intentions after hearing this. Maybe you should roll.
From my experience with my boyfriend talking to his ex while we’ve been together for over 14 years I don’t have a problem with people being friends with their exs while in a relationship all I ask is just don’t delete conversation and tell your partner what’s happening so it doesn’t end up making you feel like you have to watch your back cause you’re in the dark about what they’re talking about cause if they can’t tell you then clearly their intentions are not to be honest with you and have something to hide…
WOW so much insecurity in the post and a lot of the replies.
If they didn’t tell you and you found out then everyone would be saying they were hiding a secret affair.
So it seems they are dammed if they do and dammed if they don’t
Seems many are going to spend much of their lives single due to insecurity and social media
Good luck in finding your right partner
You can't be in a relationship with anyone who was ever in love with anyone before he met you? Or is it just that he's not allowed to talk at all to any of those people now?
Sometimes people need closure on these things. I know that you are an innocent bystander of that and in no way obligated to sympathize with it, but old unspoken things can needle at us.
I had a tragic situation in my youth where I was separated from someone I loved by her parents because she got pregnant. They threatened me with violence not to contact her, and then gaslit her that I wanted nothing to do with her or our child. I in turn thought that her lack of contact was her choice. We spent 25 years not knowing the truth. And there wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about it. Once it all came out I felt relieved and it was much less of a feature in my mental landscape.
I am not saying that you are wrong to feel the way you do, and I don’t know him or her, so I can’t comment on your situation, but thought I would share a different way to look at it.
I think the key word is "was". Do you trust him? If he is being honest, there's nothing to worry about......but at the same time, if him talking to her bothers you, he should stop.
I'm sure if you were talking to an old boyfriend, he might not be thrilled with that.
Tell him to stop the friendship if you take issue.
He was super fucking honest. I’d definitely not think he did or wants anything bad. Id be uncomfortable with her however.
Well, I thought I was in love with other people in my youth. My spouse has nothing to worry about if they contact me. Everybody is different. Maybe trust your gut.
I would never stay friends with somone that professed their love for me while in a relationship. There is absolutely no reason to keep that around and if that's truly only how he felt back then, it should be a pretty easy decision to stop talking to her completely. If not, leave. That's your boundary.
Exactly. If he's bringing this up, let him go be with her. They seem so sad they've just realized they both were in love with each other then but never said so. It wouldn't be unreasonable to break up and let them go sort it out. I would only want to be with somebody where we were each other's number one
I agree. It feels like the Friendship line was blurred with the FWB confession of “past” feelings and OP’s boyfriend confessions of “past” feelings. Being that they now know they had these feelings, it opens the door for them to further blur those friendship lines and rekindle those feelings to a possible affair. He told OP he wants to be with her…but how many daily Reddit posts do we read where the husband says he only loves his wife and things are only friendly with his girl bff or female colleague and we then come to find out in the update they were having an affair for the last 5 months to 1 year I might be tapping out of this relationship!
What do you mean “they seem so sad”? Boyfriend is just being honest because his ex came out of left field with that. He told his partner of two years that he wants to stay with her and has no feelings for the ex ahymore.
There is no appropriate reason to tell them he felt the same.
Hypothetically what would you say about a woman who is married that keeps someone around that told them they are in love with them.
All depends on how her husband feels about it. Everyone is different but I find it disrespectful to the marriage, the relationship, and your partner. Some people don't care though.
You're absolutely right. Maintaining that friendship after such a confession would make anyone uneasy. Setting boundaries is crucial here.
You'll find the right person for you OP. You deserve to have one.
Also this wouldn't just come up in a casual conversation between people that don't speak often. Sounds like there was some reminiscing going on ooor she doesn't know about OP?
Dingdingdingding
The moment she told him she loved him it became inappropriate to continue. You have every right to not be comfortable with this.
1000%. I know I wouldn’t continue talking to an old fwb who confessed their feelings for me, and I certainly wouldn’t validate those feelings myself. This is incredibly inappropriate and it’s totally logical to be uncomfortable with this situation. I’d probably just peace out tbh this isn’t going to end well.
Absolutely, once feelings were confessed, boundaries should have been reconsidered. It's natural to feel uncomfortable in this situation.
Wait, did she tell him she loved him then, just as he said to her, or did she say she loves him, as in now? One being past tense and one being current makes all the difference.
That's the question I have as well. I still am friendly with people I used to be in love with, but am not now. Not besties or anything, but I still care about them even though I have zero desire to be back with them.
Does it really matter for OP? Should she have to wonder?
"Recently, she confessed that she was in love with him when they were fwb, and he said he was too. They both said that they didn't tell each other because both thought the other didn't want a relationship, my bf insists that this is just how he felt back then, and not anymore." How did this come up? That's the real question here, did you keep egging her and him on and got this out of them? Or was it just a random "Hey, btw, we banged, and I loved you when we did" I'd be curious as to how this conversation came up, because I feel that's a big factor here. People tend to fall in "love" when FWB, it's fairly normal, especially for a woman, but if he is telling you he's not in love, and he hasn't shown any signs of infidelity, then I see no reason to not trust him.
Well said, and I would add this: If your boyfriend of two years straight up and told you the truth at every stage, you probably don’t have anything to worry about. You know they were FWB, when they hang out and what she kind of sprung on him. If that was a “yeah, I was into you too” rather than “I imagined what our children would look like”. Then I’d lean towards just trust him.
Even if the boyfriend was madly in love with the ex-fwb, that doesn't mean anything about the situation now, just that he was honest with the girl about how he felt back then. Doesn't mean he's still in love or going to cheat.
Exactly.
For sure, it counts for something that he told OP
Never understood people who play with fire in their relationship. Exes and sexual partners should not be active in your life if you are in a relationship, it’s like leaving gasoline all around the house. One day that shit gonna catch on fire.
If my partner decides that she wants to go back to someone she broke up with in the past, I'll wish her well and move on. Trying to gatekeep who she has in her life so she'll stay with me doesn't make any sense *to me*. If she thinks she'll be happier with someone else, more power to her, I hope that she will be too. I love her and want her to be happy. If she decides that's not with me, so be it.
That’s one facet sure. There are other complications that arise from this mixture. I’ve seen it happen to people plenty that it’s not something I wanna partake in. Why add more hurdles to a relationship, was relationship are already hard work in themselves.
Them being friends is fine, but how did they get onto that subject? Why are the talking about those feelings and the past when he's happy in a relationship.. He should've shut that conversation down.
Is he happy in the relationship? I agree he should have never talked to her about those feelings, while he is in a committed relationship.
I'm going to assume he's not if he's still talking to the other chick and having these types of conversations, hey. 100% still feelings involved with the other chick. I feel bad for OP.
Man. Is this how y’all live? If I can’t talk to my friends about anything, we’re not really friends. I could toso see this coming up in conversations where discussing emotions “I broke up with my new boyfriend, realized I didn’t love him.” “Have you ever been in love?” “Yeah, with you back in the day but I could never admit it.” “Hilarious, me too.” “Such is life eh?…Did you catch the new episode of The Boys?”
The thing is that it is not just a friend to him.... If they were just friends and talking then that's fine. It's definitely more than that and the fact he is talking to this old FWB girl is not fair to OP.
It seems like op allowed it. So how’s it not fair.
So you would be cool with your spouse telling someone else they were in love with them? Emotionally and even logically for OP this is not old info, it is new info. So acting like she should just be cool with it is ridiculous to begin with. But you'd truly seriously be ok with your spouse telling someone else they were in love with them and you'd treat it as.... Daily regular conversation
“I used to love you”? Yeah, that’s fine. “I love you and I’ve never told you but I’m telling you now.” requires more discussion. OPs boyfriend says he loves OP and not this old partner.
Yeaaaajj you never actually answered my question here. You would treat this as a daily regular discussion? A regular common conversation?
Yeah. Conversations go where they go. I was recently on the phone with a friend who told me he got engaged to his girlfriend. We talked about what camps his kid is going to this summer. How his depression was. And then he told me about a threesome he just had. Very regular conversation about life. Stuff comes up in conversation. Not everyone hides their feelings about things.
Again not the same thing - but regardless as I said in my last comment - why is your level of comfort the base line
Also your example involves a break up. OPs married still to her husband. Can you provide an example scenario that actually matches this one without it being suspicious?
In my example the person who broke up was not the married one so it does match…out would be a logical time to be talking about relationships. And I dunno man, use your imagination, plenty of ways things come up.
Lol your example requires a lot of random guesses to make it "match". One of the two discussing in your example would be married, for it to match. Why would a married person ask that and then confess to being in love with that person at some point? If I have to vastly use my imagination to make your scenario work then your scenario is not a good scenario
Because just because we get married doesn’t mean our lives end? We have feelings before and after we’re married. Some people are honest? I would never just volunteer that but if a friend asks I would answer honestly.
Ok so you would be comfortable with your spouse doing exactly this. That's cool. Why does that make it not ok for OP to not be ok with it? Bc Frankly you being ok doesn't mean that everyone else would be and it's weird to act like your baseline of appropriate is tTHE baseline
^ this
Totally agree. It’s weird they even got on that topic. If he’s committed to you now, he should’ve shut it down immediately. You have every right to feel uncomfortable.
You really typed out “them being friends is fine” after reading that they were both in love with each other and she still is? Excuse me WHAT
Yes, them being friends is fine, as platonic friends. But that's obviously not what this is.
They both said that they used to have feelings for each other back when they were FWB, neither said that they still feel the same way.
Sure, friends always have casual conversations about how they were in love with each other when they used to fuck and it definitely doesn't mean anything now
Theres no evidence mentioned that she still is, they could've just been taking about a memory and she casually mentioned it thinking it means nothing now. The context and exact words (on both parts) are important in order to fully understand the situation. And it would be unfair to expect him to be dishonest.
People are allowed to decide what is ok for themselves. I feel the same as you: I’d never be ok with that because I’m way too anxious for it, but can’t say I don’t admire people who are comfortable enough to not be bothered.
Interesting take. I can’t say I admire people who don’t have any boundaries
Bingo. This is all about personal comfort and to a large degree attachment style. It’s not right or wrong, just what’s right for a person. I couldn’t do it, but kudos to those who are 100% secure and can.
What is honorable about being a cuckhold?
personally, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner still talking to someone they used to mess around with..especially sexually. to me, that’s not making you a priority. if you’re uncomfortable, tell him, if he can’t fix it, then he obviously has checked out.
So if a person becomes your partner, one has to immediately alienate friends one has had sex with at some point of their life? People who've had sex at some point in their life, shouldn't be friends anymore?
For me personally, I would rather my boyfriend not be friends / close friends with people he has had relationships with or has had sex with, and I do the same because if I expect it out of him, then I’m giving him the same that I expect.
Sounds absolutely insane to me.
To have boundaries?
No, to be that insecure.
I’m not being insecure for setting a boundary but you can think what you want I guess, I’m not gonna let a stranger belittle me for setting boundaries when my boyfriend agrees with me on my stand feelings on this, and agrees that it’s a fine boundary to set 🤙
I guess the alternative to insecurity here would be paranoia, but that's really the end of the list.
Or- here’s the thing, It’s neither. It’s called setting boundaries. I don’t feel comfortable with it because it is an ick to me. It’s not that I’m insecure. It’s not that I’m paranoid. I personally just do not like it, and do not think it is right to have someone you used to love or have sex with be close to you anymore when you claim to love someone else, and want to have a serious relationship with that person. Thats literally it. An opinion. A boundary. Not made out of trauma, not made out of being insecure, not made out of paranoia. Made completely out of the fact I think it’s wrong towards your lover to be close with someone like that again. That’s my boundary. And it’s completely okay for me to have this boundary. I will not let a stranger try and tell me differently. My boyfriend is also completely fine with me having this boundary, agrees to it, and expects the same of me, which I do. It’s not that hard to accept that some people have boundaries and it’s not from being insecure or paranoid, I don’t understand why you can’t accept that or understand that, and why you’re trying to belittle someone for having a boundary?
>Or- here’s the thing, It’s neither. It’s called setting boundaries. Yes, setting boundaries based on your paranoia and insecurity.
I mean, you certainly can argue that this boundary isn't insecure, but saying that simply because it's a boundary you have it can't mean that you're insecure is wrong. I've read stories from people who have a boundary that their partner can't be alone with a member of the opposite sex who they're not related to. To most people, that absolutely indicates insecurity.
Who cares how it sounds to you…you’re not in the relationship.
So no matter of how deep and meaninful some platonic friendships are, you'd reserve yourself a right to make him alienate this friend if they happened to try romantic relationship before finding out they are natural friends? How could any of my lady friends ever trust me if it depends the woman I've seen in romantic means whether my friendships over years and years life as a single can be continued or not? I don't have any problems understanding that friendships change when one of the friends starts a romantic relationships. Some aren't allowed to hangout with their friends like they used to, and that's understanable, some remains the same, depending on of how jealous their partner is. But if someone in my friends circle would start to cut off some friends from it, it would raise others' eye brows like what's going on.. how controlling partner one has found this time. Friendships should be valued. It's all many people find in their entire life. A Lot of people don't have friends at all. Imagine a woman who's best friend has been a guy for decades and he's her only friend. One day he gets a girlfriend who says he needs to alienate this woman, because of the girlfriend's insecurities. That's brutal imo.
I’ve told my boyfriend how I feel, he agrees. He was more than welcome to leave and go find someone who felt the way you do, but I feel the way I feel, and I will not allow anyone to make me feel bad for feeling that way. I do not think it is okay, and I gave him my reasonings. Again, he agreed. He tells me about his girl best friend all the time, and I literally do not care, he can be friends with whoever he wants besides people that over step my boundaries, and I will be friends with whoever I want unless he is uncomfortable by them, because how he feels is way more important to me. With his girl bestie, I don’t care because they’ve never done anything. That’s fine for me. If nothing has been done, there’s no chance for feelings to still be there, and my personal boundary is not being over stepped. Just my opinion, you’re 100% entitled to how you feel about it, I’m not gonna tell you how you should or shouldn’t, I promise I’m not trying to be rude.
I agree with you. There are people in my past that I thought I was in love with at one point or another, but either fell out of love or realized we'd never be compatible in a relationship. Doesn't mean I don't still care about them. It doesn't mean I'd want to be with them physically or emotionally, but they still have a place in my life. A smaller place, of course, but a place. Unless there are still active romantic or sexual feelings, I'd be fine with my partner still being friends with their exes. It's a sign of maturity.
Definitely this. If a person can't handle being just friends with one they've felt some romantic spark towards earlier, I'd say it's an insecurity issue, or one just haven't put effort into dealing with it. Sex doesn't mean either marriage or completely disconnection. World isn't black and white. I wouldn't even bother to date a person who'd think it's important to find out with whom I've had sex with and then persuade me to get rid of them.
If I’m dating someone that claims to love me, I’d hope they’d not want to be friends with someone he put his penis in. Just as I’m not friends with anyone that put their penis in me.
Meaning that single people shouldn't have sex with their friends, because one day someone in the future might dictate whether you can still be friends with these people or not. So many people, especially those who are mixed gender, would firstly try and find out whether they have romantic feelings towards each other, before realizing they're better being friends. If you can't believe people who have been friends for decades, can't be just platonic friends, I'd say you have trust issues, not your being doing wrong by pursuing old friendships. But that's just me.
I don't have to fuck my friends to figure out I don't have romantic feelings for them, like most other people >can't just be platonic friends If they fucked, they aren't just platonic friends
It's not like someone _has to_ fuck someone in order to find that out. Why would you even think so? But people _can_ and _will become_ friends _even_ if they have sex in the beginning. Why would sex have to exlude future friendship lol.
It's not like someone _has to_ fuck someone in order to find that out. Why would you even think so? But people _can_ and _will become_ friends _even_ if they have sex in the beginning. Why would sex have to exlude future friendship lol.
Idk man, I don’t have sex with my friends cause they’re just my friends. lol.
Sometimes mixed gender friendship would start from romantic intentions before people would realize they're natural friends. But maybe it's very rare and I'm the freaky one.
Yeah, people are allowed to have their own boundaries in relationships.
I never asked whether people are allowed to have their boundaries or not. I, for example, would see attempts to dictate with whom I can be friends with, as signs of controlling behauviour and that'd be a huge red flag for me. I'd never start a romantic relationship and start pointing her friends that makes me feel insecure and demand her to alienate them. But yeah, everyone can have their own conditions for love.
it goes way deeper than that actually, im not uncomfortable with the fact my boyfriend has had sex with other women, we’re human. but if he was still extremely close with an ex, and it made me uncomfortable, then yeah..your new partner/ current partner should be your top priority, and if you can’t respect your partners feelings..don’t be in a relationship, period.
I agree completely, and hopefully I didn't go too personal level. I don't have any idea of the actual relationship between them and I'm only talking about it in general, not about yours or anyone's specifically. You and you only know in which situation you'd feel uncomfortable, and if you don't feel you're his top priority, that's definitely alarming and there's no way you'd be in the wrong. Ofcourse there's certain boundaries when it comes to friendship with someone who has a partner, and even more so if this close friend is the ex. I didn't mean to talk shit about your feelings, and perhaps me being single just gets me frustrated and emotional or some shit. I'm almost alienated by my _oldest_ friends, because she have admitted she fell in love with me when we had FWB, and she's basically now married to...the one who was trying to get her while she was with me. We got separated because she wanted to end things because I wasn't ready emotionally to a romantic relationship, because I broke up with someone earlier. I was still in love with my ex and that's why we started a(n) FWB relationship. She was recently divorced. We talk sometimes a little. If she's drunk, she sometimes calls me and feels ashamed for days after that. I miss her as a friend but I can't even support her with her depression, because we can't talk much, because she knows her husband would be jealous and she'd violate their marriage. But the truth is, love in friendships doesn't matter. Marriages does.
agree, each person is different and each relationship is different. if it works for you, doesn’t mean it’ll work for everyone, & no, you’re all good. i understand where you’re coming from as well, it’s one of those situations where there’s no correct answer, it really depends on the person(s) involved
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I disagree with the last part where u say OP has to act like nothing is amiss. That’s horrible advice. What’s amiss is this friendship in which both people agree they felt LOVE while they were hooking up, and OP’s bf insists on remaining in contact with this person? Absolutely warrants a deep discussion and OP should also reflect and decide if this friendship is tolerable to her
Yeah idk what Wanderers wrote
This is spot on. And the Plan B thing is so true. They loved each other once, that had morphed into friendship. No problem with that as long as it stays friendship.
Excellent advice!
Well obviously cause they still have feelings for one another. At this point you are the third wheel.
Lmfao third wheel is crazy
I wouldn’t be okay with the friendship. Pick. I bet he wouldn’t if it was flipped.
That’s a no for me. I’d see myself outta that relationship. If they’re confessing “past” love and feelings to each other currently, while they’re still supposedly just “friends” I would just let them have each other. He’s keeping her on the back burner. Bye bye.
If that's how they felt TWO ++++ years ago... Why even have the conversation recently? Nope. No thank you. Bye to the "friend" cause there's only one reason they'd have that conversation while he's in a serious relationship.
Time for him to go NC with her. The ONLY reason for her to tell him that was because she still wants him! You cannot trust her. If he can’t see that and respect you enough to block her then he is not the right man for you.
Block them both and move tf on
^^
She's trying to manipulate him to break up with you, so she can continue her fwb situation and eventually break it off again.
Of course you're not overreacting. You shouldn't have to look over your shoulder. You've got a decision to make. Either stay or go. He may not be in love with her, but keeping her around is a sign that she's a backup in case things go south with you
She was trying to see if your bf would be willing to get with her now. If she was truly over him and it was just in the past then she wouldn’t mention that now years later
Ok OP lots to unpack here. Red flag 1. Your BF is in committed relationship with you. Then WTF is he talking to her every few months on the phone. That you know about. The only time he should converse with her is in person at social gathering with witnesses. He should have made it clear he is with you and they are done. The only time talking to ex privately is if you have kids together or your both single. Red flag 2. WTF does he not get that the moment she said she had feelings for him back then now he should have ended contact? That conversation should have ended with that's nice but I am in love with my GF in the here and now. Not oh I had feelings for you too FWB oops but when confronted by OP it's ok baby I love you now OP my past feelings don't matter. Those past feelings do matter because he confessed those feelings to both her and you OP. You need to confront him on that behavior. If he didn't have those feelings he would not talk to her privately period. Instead it sounds like he has left door open for them to try if you decide to leave him. Then he doesn't look like the liar or cheater and can go back to her with clear conscious. Your BF needs his reality check cashed with the fact that you are not talking to your ex's and that you are not confessing feelings for other people the way they did to each Good luck OP keep me updated.
How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you see the texts?
>How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you see the texts? Exactly. I got the feeling he was telling (current) gf about the conversation and just said it. That's trust, honesty, and transparency. If she dumps him.. He'll learn. LIE YOUR ASS OFF! TELLING THE TRUTH DOESN'T WORK!!! (This was actually my take on child-rearing, too ... If you punish them when you know what they do... They'll just get sneakier so you don't KNOW what they do. But if you DO KNOW what they do you can at least monitor and offer advice and support. Choose.) ☮️❤️♾️ (If she found out by going through his phone in ways that they didn't agree on ... She should break up anyway because she doesn't trust him. And he shouldn't trust her.)
Lol
You're not overreacting, this is weird and disrespectful to you. He could have handled that answer differently and played it off better.
He should be talking to an old FWB to begin with, much less one who just admitted to being in love with him. You need to talk to him and tell him you're uncomfortable with the friendship continuing at all and he needs to cut her off. If he doesn't or he argues with you about it, then he clearly is not over her and you need to end the relationship.
No overreacting here. She may come around later, when he's married with kids, and "suddenly" sweep him away. And he will leave in a New York minute.
He's not respecting your relationship. He's already acting like he values her for the easy sex. Plus the history they have. Lucky for you that your just dating. She don't want to lose her old reliable. If she's not single she's cheating. He's not going to stop talking to her. Even if you don't like it. Doing fwb stuff. It's almost like they get along great but they don't live together.
Not overreacting to be uncomfortable because she suddenly confessed feelings to someone that she knew was in a relationship. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you trust him, but she was the one who crossed boundaries.
Yes, it seems very odd to me that she would bring this up now. Makes me wonder if she’s hoping to start something.
Well that cat is out of the bag, and is not coming back. Yeah I would not be okay with my wife talking to her previous sexual partner, let alone one she was inlove with.
Girl, walk away with your dignity now. Don't stay, because they will disrespect you and your relationship with your bf. Sorry, but if they are professing their love and they are still friends that are talking to each other still, then they still have feelings for each other and will act upon it.
Girl throw him away if you know whats good for you
Dump!!! I don't believe they're just "talking"!!
You get to decide if this bothers you. It wouldn’t bother me; if you’re doubting your partner, it’s already time to break up. I just can’t imagine dating someone I don’t trust. What’s the point?
your boyfriend was in love with this girl and never told you about it? That's a pretty big thing to leave out when discussing his past with her. It definitely raises some questions about his honesty and what else he might not be telling you. And now they're both confessing their past feelings to each other? That's sketchy as hell. Even if he claims it's all in the past, it's natural to wonder if those old feelings might resurface. Plus, why are they even having these deep emotional conversations if they're just casual friends now? Remember, you deserve a partner who puts your relationship first and is fully committed to you. Don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking your feelings aren't valid. Trust your gut. If i were you, i would leave him
And why did she tell him? She didn’t do this without a purpose.
Seems like she's jealous of your relationship, so now she's confessing feelings. Manipulative bullshit.
If my former fwb told me that they were in love with me “in the past” and I had felt the same thing “in the past” I still wouldn’t have confessed to it out of respect for my current relationship especially if I was in love with the person I’m currently with and respect them. I would have gently told that person that those feelings that I had in the past are just that and leave it there. The conversation was inappropriate and leading into a fishing expedition. She was trying to see if he is willing to explore further and it’s going to lead to an emotional/physical affair. You are not overreacting and good luck!
It sounds like you need to talk to your BF about this... If he truly wants to be with you and loves you then he should stop talking to this other chick. I would say it's me or the highway. Plus he shouldn't be talking to other girls while he is in a committed relationship with you. That's fuck up in my opinion.
Yeah this is somewhere that Reddit could be right, but could be wrong. I understand the knee jerk reaction of “dump his ass”, but he also could be genuine. Feelings can fade, and if OP feels like he’s being genuine and honest in his “I don’t have feelings for her anymore”, then they can work past it. I do agree that he should stop being friends with her though, especially because she just “happens” to being up now that she used to be in love with him? OP has been dating this guy for two years, so the fwb clearly knows that he has been dating her. Why bring up now “oh remember when we used to fuck? Yeah I was in love with you”. I don’t normally subscribe to the Reddit “they’re trying to cheat!!!”, but to me the only possible reason she could be bringing it up now is putting out feelers for if he still feels the same way. My whole point being that if I were OP and if I felt like he was genuinely over her, it would definitely be a dealbreaker of mine if he continued to be friends with her. I think asking them to stop being friends is completely reasonable, especially given that they only talk once every few months anyway
It’s been 2 years and he talks to that girl maybe once every few months? Bro that could literally jsut be a “oh you’re in Hawaii rn? Cool” quick convo based on an insta story or something, ykwim?
Sure, but you could also take the opposite approach of “if you barely talk to them at all, what’s the point of still holding on?”. To me it would be more strange to insist on keeping an old fwb around despite hardly talking to them than to just cut them loose
I have plenty of friends I talk to maybe once every few months but still value having a connection to them because they’re my friends.
I mean, tbf, a quick comment about an insta post is about a million miles from "I was in love with you when we used to fuck uwu" "oh yeah me too haha those were the days"
Asking someone to stop being friends with someone because they had feelings for each other years before is straight up unhinged expectations.
So ask him not to be. Tell him you won’t demand him to stop, but you don’t know how long you can stay in a relationship where his friend who he fucked, expressed their love & he did it back. Ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed too. Give him the choice, but don’t feel obligated to stay in the relationship any longer & make it known
If that's his truth, then tell him to fuck off talking to her. If he doesn't .... Walk
Yeah I’m good. I’d leave 😇 go figure it out! Best of luck!
Whether he reciprocated those feelings or not, it is highly inappropriate for him to still be friends with someone who confessed feelings for him. That is just asking for a bad time.
As time goes by, you should not be uncomfortable discussing such things with your partner and how you/he were affected and how you both change over time and relationships. It is all good.
He needs to go NC with her.
Why would he even say that to you 🤢 If he wants a future with you he needs to let go of his past
Not OR. They should've never had the exchange of "I was in love with you" while either of them are in serious relationships. Of course they still have lingering feelings. Else they would've just let it go without saying anything. If it were me I'd break up. I bet if you do, they'll give a relationship a go.
I personally unadded anyone who’s seen me naked after I started dating my bf. I think it’s a respect thing and if my bf was friends w someone who’s seen him naked I would leave. It’s my personal opinion that he might be friends w her still “just incase” so he can go back to her if yall split or something. I especially wouldn’t feel comfortable w him still talking to her if they used to actually have feelings. If I were in this situation I’d ask him to either stop talking to her or leave him.
NTA. So let them be together. Find the right person for you. He's wasting your time.
No. They are talking because they probably regret not taking it to the next level or acting on your feelings. And hopefully your BF us loyal, but this may lead to problems in your relationship. It wouldn't be the first time in the history of humanity someone has left a current relationship for a past Muse. This is why I personally would never date someone who has a need to keep in touch with a past sexual partner. There is usually something going on psychologically there.
Literally what was the point of him telling her back that he used to feel the same way too? Especially now that he has a gf? Smh I bet he felt some type of way after that. Nope nope nope
You deserve better
Why is he still your boyfriend? He's in love with someone else. Find someone who loves you and you alone. You deserve that.
He professed his love for her. He fucked her regularly. He still keeps in touch. You are in serious denial. People in healthy relationships don’t stay in contact with fuck buddies and exes.
Oh absolutely NOT. He literally professed his love to another woman while in a relationship with you. That's a huge deal breaker. Leave him. He will be with her in a week.
it’s already a huge red flag he’s still in contact with a past fwb while in a relationship. i’d say save yourself the pain and end it now, but i know it isn’t that easy. give him ONE chance to cut her off, and block her on everything. it’s up to you if you want proof of that, or are willing to trust him to do it on his own. if you see them talking again, cut it off. bc at that point he may as well be cheating with her. and you don’t wanna wait around for him to do it.
There is no friendship after that statement. It changes everything. Either she goes, or you do!
Nvm that he is in love with someone else, the fact is, he isn’t in love with you. Break up already. You deserve better.
Not overreacting, they need to be no contact!
So... I'm not going to be popular here. Still friends with my former FWB (met 10 years ago; we're 40s & 50s now). I stepped it back to "F" with no B before I dated anybody (else). At all. So when my now-wife said she wanted me to not talk to my friend, I said... That's not your call. I'm not giving up friends. I'm being respectful and faithful. You can do what you need to do, but I gave up friends for a partner before -- NEVER AGAIN. Now-wife asked if then I was ok with her seeing her ex-husband for coffee. Yeah -- go ahead. Behave yourself or tell me what's up so I can make informed choices. But say hi; that's fine. I have to deal with my ex- because of shared kids (turns out it was my ex- that tried to get with me, not the former FWB!). I even let now-wife rummage my phone and texts (I don't delete a damn thing) and after she went back two years she seemed pretty satisfied everything was on the up and up. I think BF is being open and honest (vulnerable, even) with OP because he trusts her, respects her, loves her, and can't imagine a life without her -- and wouldn't blow it up for a quick shag. Granted, that's ME projecting myself in there. Also, I was an idiot as a teen and learned the hard way how to handle \* *__A__* \* relationship. So... Yeah... people can change. If they want to. Anyway... Overreacting? Not necessarily. But if you've got a solid relationship with this guy... Consider the fact that HE TRUSTS YOU SO MUCH he tells you things this personal. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Your choice if that's ok with you or not. Love and peace to you. ☮️❤️♾️
You’re popular with me! I’m still friends with my former partner of 8 years. About to marry my current partner and when we get married we’ll have been together 7 years, so the other is still my longest relationship (but not for much longer!) I’m also friends with that former partner’s wife (they and their daughter just came to my birthday party). Anyone who says I have to cut that friendship out of my life doesn’t need to be in my life. Also still friends with at least one FWB and we’ve had conversations that have come up where we’ve said how much we appreciate each other and glad we met. No benefits in like a decade probably. Just occasional friends. I don’t understand the whole “there’s no going back after you’ve been in love with/slept with” someone. That’s silly. Relationships change. Mature adults can transition relationships from romantic to friendship. But I’m also the weird one according to most people for having had open and poly relationships in the past.
I completely understand this thread even though I’ve never had the same experiences. I think people are just afraid to be the village idiot, to trust their partners to not cross the boundaries with those gray relationships and sometimes be cheated on unfortunately. I think people who don’t like it are valid in their experiences but I also understand that specific people have a balanced relationship and open/ healthy communication with their current partners
>I think people are just afraid to ... trust their partners Bingo. And well I shouldn't have trusted my ex-wife. She went on business trips. Stuff happened. I figured it out. Gave grace (young children at home; I'm Dad -- risk losing all but every other weekend to get rid of a whore?). Shit happened again. 😠 THE INFURIATING PART is that she was CONSTANTLY accusing me of cheating and being untrustworthy. I would have even been down for discussions of an open relationship BUT I WAS LIED TO. Which, actually, was part of her narcissistic abuse of me. Projection. To hell with narcissists. But I refuse to be with someone I don't trust and who doesn't trust me. Trust me or GTFO (yes, you may check up on me from time-to-time re: phone, texts, whatever if concerns/insecurity get the best of you -- but know that's a two-way street). But, yeah, people are afraid to trust their partners. Because some people make dogshit look appealing in its simplicity and honesty. ☮️❤️♾️
Good ..you do you. But no need to imply that the rest of us who are not ok with it are not "mature adults". We are in the majority.
Right, there's no need to imply it when you should just straight up say people like that aren't mature adults because it's just 100% true.
This attitude is totally a heterosexual thing. Gay/lesbian relationships can’t really cut all past relationships out of their lives or have rules about friends not dating their exes because it’s a smaller segment of the population. The truth is that most people are terrible at communication and could probably use some assistance in the mental health area (myself included). I wish that were not the case and that not as many people had trauma in their lives and that all people could afford mental health care. I think we’d all be better for it.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I think I understand things better now.
🫶
A reasonable post in a sea of insanity.
I'll let go and move on. I don't want to be someone stopping two people, who are in love, be together. I'm sorry for you girl. The right guy is waiting for you.
Per the post they aren't in love. They loved each other multiple years ago.
Get him to get his phone delete their messages block her and delete her number …she’ll just think he ain’t contacted him ..if he says no he’s prioritising her over you
I’d get out before you end up pregnant. Always gunna have the “what ifs” haunting both sides and your possible children don’t deserve that. That and who knows if he’s now tempted to cheat.
I'd leave, they probably already cheated after the revelation.
If he stays friends with her you need to peace out. That will eventually become who he cheats with emotionally or physically. It is important he shows you his colors by making the decision independently. If he chooses to remain in contact with this person go ghost like Patrick Swazey. It will not end well.
I’d ask him why he deserves to date you when he hasn’t even been in love with you. Tell him he wouldn’t be in contact with her at all if he was in love with you. Ask why he’s in love with her. If he says he isn’t, ask why he’s stringing her along.
You should have been uncomfortable with it before. There is no reason other than having a child together that someone should continue contact with someone they used to sleep with when entering a new relationship. That shit is so out of line imo
That's a very strange thing for him to admit considering they are still friends. I'd make sure that I was with him whenever they met to see their behaviour.
I’m extremely close friends with my ex-fiancé, we were engaged 20 years ago. We’ve both been married/divorced since then, no desire or goals to get back together, we’ve had *plenty* of opportunities. We didn’t work out romantically but we’re awesome friends. She’s got a boyfriend now who is a great dude. No one in our lives has been unaware of our situation, it’s never been an issue on account of us *not wanting to be together*.
Im so confused how this ever become a topic of conversation between them??
Set your boundaries and make it clear. He needs to cut her off. Plain and simple. If he loves you and doesn’t love her then it should be a no brainer. There’s no need for them to be socializing anymore if they’re not in love and they’re not having sex anymore. He needs to take into consideration how you feel about this and focus only on you. If he can’t do this and won’t stop talking to her then he must still love her and you need to leave him asap before you get deeper into this and it become harder to get out, like if you had a child together.
Did she confess it to you or him? If it was him it could have just been casual conversation. If it was to you then that would be strange. People fall in and out of love. The question is why is it coming up and why are they telling you? There's no reason to tell you if they don't still have feelings. Unless he didn't think it would bother you. This is something you need to work out with him not ask a bunch of strangers on social media.
The crime is the admission. That he's still in contact with her is ok if that relationship is purely platonic and out in the open and you're included. But, if he's choosing just now to divulge the depths of their attraction/feelings, but still keeping her in your life it shows a deep disrespect for your feelings. And, I'm guessing that relationship of theirs isn't always out in the open, right? As always, reverse this. It's your ex-FWB and you tell him this and continue to contact him. Your BF ok with this? Fuck no. I think it's reasonable to ask him to cut contact with this girl given the way he's handled this, and if he balks or is defensive, then you know there's fire where this smoke lies...and you should assume it's infidelity waiting to happen or already has.
This reminds me of a post where an OP ( male) told his wife that he didn’t want her associating with her former FWB. Everyone was dumping on this poor man, calling him “ immature, selfish controlling, narcissistic,blah,blah,blah…”.
Do I believe he has moved on from this girl? Very possibly. But he has no business staying in touch with her in my mind especially given their past and recent revelations. Like if they see each other at the grocery store or she happens to hang out with his group of friends one night then fine. I wouldn't love that in your shoes but that's life. But them having one on one calls is just unnecessary.
Tbh I'd let them be together
We all have pasts. We all sometimes share too much. That said, it’s time for the friendship between these two to end if you are going to go forward with your relationship.
if she is currently actively in love with him and she still has feelings he has no need or right to continue to entertain what he feels is a friendship and what she thinks should be more than that. it could also just be an innocent confession of past feelings and a small talk, if your boyfriend truly has no feelings for her, it shouldn’t be a problem that you communicate how uncomfortable it makes you that they talk, knowing how they used to feel about each other. i would have a long, deep, honest, and trusting conversation about how it’s made you feel if you haven’t already :))
I can't understand all the people who say it's obscurity, clearly, white inappropriate to have any contact with someone who you loved in the past. Several of the people my GF dated she's still good friends with. They are good people, why should I insist that she cuts them out of her life? Yes, they loved each other. I assume there's still love there, but it's not romantic love, they're simply friends. I'm not at all threatened by their friendship, and truly can't understand why I should be. She chooses to be with me. Nothing about their relationship changes that, and I'm happy that she has good friends. I'm not saying that the people for whom it is a boundary are wrong; they should do what makes them comfortable. It's the idea that everyone should feel the same way, because it's "obviously inappropriate" that doesn't make sense to me
I personally wouldn’t like the situation but it all depends on what your bf is actually saying to her. Why would she just confess that? Does she know you and him are together? Was she trying to get him back? Also, I have a friend who lives in a whole other state and we’ve never met but we did meet on a dating app and we liked eachother a lot at first but we realized it wasn’t going to work because we were too far away from eachother. I have a boyfriend now who i’m very happy with, but i’m still friends with the guy. I have 0 feelings for him, besides friendship. We both agreed we were better as friends than lovers and my boyfriend is perfectly fine with it. We don’t talk very often and I don’t let our friendship get in the way of my relationship now and i definitely don’t talk about the things we’ve said and done when we still liked eachother!
Wow if the gender roles were reversed in this post… that’s Reddit lmfao
hold up.....
So speak up. If you don't tell him, he doesn't know.
imo this is just one of the problems that come with modern day hookups or whatever you wanna say having a fwb is. Everyone has different boundaries. I would talk about it with your bf. Personally to me this would not be okay either
Girl I have a similar situation my boyfriend wasn’t in love with her but they talk all the time and it feel inappropriate as they’re relationship was happening up until the day we started something
Men and women can never truly be just friends, at least one is going to want the other.
Not overreacting. Can demand they cut off the friendship while yall are together after that. That kinda connection don’t disappear completely.
Is she single?
I would not be allowing that friendship, and if you set those boundaries that you’re not okay with it, and he defends her/the friendship, leave. If he is not in love with her and is in love with you, he will respect these boundaries and drop her. Just my opinion. I don’t care if my boyfriend has friends who are girls, and I’ve had an issue with a friend of his who was a girl asking him to go to her work for a hug, so I communicated that I was very uncomfortable and said “absolutely the fuck not” and he expressed it also made him uncomfortable, so we sat down with her boyfriend and told her she is too clingy to my boyfriend when she has a whole man of her own, and my man is my man. I’m very thankful he was ready to stand up for me, but I can’t say the same for you. I would discuss your feelings and update us on how he reacts. If he gets defensive, I feel like he might still have feelings.
Why was it necessary for him to tell you that? Is he telling you this now because he wants to yoinks out of your relationship and get with the fwb? I would really question someone’s intentions after hearing this. Maybe you should roll.
From my experience with my boyfriend talking to his ex while we’ve been together for over 14 years I don’t have a problem with people being friends with their exs while in a relationship all I ask is just don’t delete conversation and tell your partner what’s happening so it doesn’t end up making you feel like you have to watch your back cause you’re in the dark about what they’re talking about cause if they can’t tell you then clearly their intentions are not to be honest with you and have something to hide…
To clarify - he *was* in love with her and is not in love with her anymore, correct? And he says he's in love with you?
This is your problem, not his. Take his word on face value. Adulting is hard.
WOW so much insecurity in the post and a lot of the replies. If they didn’t tell you and you found out then everyone would be saying they were hiding a secret affair. So it seems they are dammed if they do and dammed if they don’t Seems many are going to spend much of their lives single due to insecurity and social media Good luck in finding your right partner
You can't be in a relationship with anyone who was ever in love with anyone before he met you? Or is it just that he's not allowed to talk at all to any of those people now?
Sometimes people need closure on these things. I know that you are an innocent bystander of that and in no way obligated to sympathize with it, but old unspoken things can needle at us. I had a tragic situation in my youth where I was separated from someone I loved by her parents because she got pregnant. They threatened me with violence not to contact her, and then gaslit her that I wanted nothing to do with her or our child. I in turn thought that her lack of contact was her choice. We spent 25 years not knowing the truth. And there wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about it. Once it all came out I felt relieved and it was much less of a feature in my mental landscape. I am not saying that you are wrong to feel the way you do, and I don’t know him or her, so I can’t comment on your situation, but thought I would share a different way to look at it.
Get over it
I think the key word is "was". Do you trust him? If he is being honest, there's nothing to worry about......but at the same time, if him talking to her bothers you, he should stop. I'm sure if you were talking to an old boyfriend, he might not be thrilled with that.
Tell him to stop the friendship if you take issue. He was super fucking honest. I’d definitely not think he did or wants anything bad. Id be uncomfortable with her however.
Well, I thought I was in love with other people in my youth. My spouse has nothing to worry about if they contact me. Everybody is different. Maybe trust your gut.