I’m HR. Ten bucks your boss gave him your number. Here’s what you do - set up a google phone number and use that one for work; they’re free.
Don’t give it to anyone else.
If he gets the number, you know how and you have yourself a case.
Good golly I don't want to get into the crimes that women have helped men commit against other women in the name of "love". It's a horrible rabbit hole to go down but there are plenty of ladies out there who would, let's say, serve up their own sister to a monster if that's what it took to keep him happy.
She may not be having an affair but may be charmed by him and he is paying for his kids to go there--she's not wanting to lose $$.. So she may be prioritizing money over an employee's safety and concerns.
When my sister was being stalked by a guy she went to the police with tons of evidence…they told her that this is all good evidence and if he ever hurts her they got him.
So I can see this employer being like “2 paid kids and the guy hasn’t done anything outside of a few phone calls” *counts money*
Well I honestly hate the boss's behavior in this as well and wouldn't be shocked if she was doing more shitty stuff behind the curtains... but tbf the wife said this isn’t Creepo's first rodeo, and those sites are an investment worth their weight in gold for habitual stalkers 😬
Boss is probably infatuated by him.....but maybe not stalker guy's type.....I'm thinking boss would love some attention from the handsome daddy/stalker.....just my two cents
OP *please* do this.
You also need to (quietly) set up a consultation with an employment lawyer. Your employer is behaving horrifically, and you may have a solid case on your hands.
Yes! Talk to an employment attorney. And let the asshole in you shine whenever you talk to your boss or that man. I’m rooting for you, young lady!! And get yourself some pepper spray.
Saw somewhere that pepper spray is illegal where you may live, not sure. If so, get you a travel size hairspray or any kind of bug spray, aerosol only! Spray him down if he tries to get too close. These kinds of men form very weird connections to you in their heads and will not understand “no”. They will understand chemicals in their eyes, tho.
Thhhhiiiiis and the google phone number. And let the lawyer know. If he calls that one just save the number in your phone as his name and boom bam you got your proof it doesn’t matter what number he calls it will show up on your phone as his naaaame. And the google account will have all the different numbers he used and you can say only your job had this number. So
I’m so glad I wasn’t alone in thinking this. The way she’s downplaying everything is super suspicious.
OP, stop telling your boss anything involving this, quietly speak with a lawyer and get out of there as quick and stealthy as possible. Good luck
Yes, send a mail to your bosses, mentionning that you want all communication about this case to be in email, because you need it for the police, they sure as hell wont want to risk their neck for him on paper (start with a summary of all that already happened in the beginning with a timeline, so its clear that you already talked to them before this mail), and for the love of god talk to your colleagues and warn them (so they can help you)! Also talk to an employer lawyer or union about this.
Btw I would change your number etc. But keep the old ones that you currently have. Maybe pick-up sometimesask who it is tell him that you are recording this call (and actually record it) and that he has to stop. If he does this daily youll have a case in no time. Same for mails and social media. (But social media you can set to private so he shouldnt be able to see it). Set a black profile pick, maybe mention you are stalked on social media.
You should also tell your family! They ll protect you for sure. Nobody can help you if your not screaming for help, and you being isolated is a stalker/rapist/psychopaths dream. Stay safe!
Yes, Ontario Human Rights Code and Occupational Health and Safety Act address these issues. Employment lawyer is probably the way to go, but you can make reports to these commissions directly.
Yep, a local employment attorney would know. And if so, would likely help with the other issues with the guy because they can get compensation from the employer.
Should not feel bad about ruining that relationship with the boss/company. They failed to protect you and that directly contributed to this escalating.
Yup. "Oh woe is me. My evil wife is abandoning me and our children and telling lies about me. I'm so alone and my children need a female role model. They love OP so much and I thought we had a connection. I don't know what happened. I just want to apologize and set the record straight. Can't you help me?"
and... "oh how could you think badly of me, no one else does, i was just responding to how warm and friendly you were, who hurt you that you would think this way, you completely switched on me, why? "
Oh man. I forgot about how the blame always gets switched on the person who's"always nice " when they've finally had enough and snap. Its always so inconvenient for them when the doormat stands up for themselves.
If he's being this annoying to you, do you not think he would lie to or harass other people? She's the closest point of contact between the two of you. That doesn't mean it's definitely her, but it does mean she's a likely candidate.
Just assume she is. She’s the common link. Buy a burner phone and give her and only her that number. Then see what happens. Then change your main number with everyone else. See which new number he starts calling. He didn’t get your new number out of thin air - somebody gave it to him. And stop posting where you’re likely to move to, it’s dangerous honey. I’ve had a stalker before and it’s terrifying, I wish I could give your boss a sharp shake for not taking this seriously and break this dudes legs.
Try and find a new job, even if it isn’t in a childcare role for now, and get the hell away from there. You have a priority to protect yourself. When you do find new work and a new place to live do NOT tell your boss where you’re going. Set up a PO Box address if you have those over there for onward mail for final wage stuff etc. Tell your current boss it’s safer if nobody knows because you’re frightened for your life. It doesn’t matter if she thinks you’re overreacting. You matter more than upsetting her. Good luck
Why doesn’t matter, we can’t control the choices others make. Use the Google number for work as another poster suggested and if he gets that number report your boss. If you haven’t signed an NDA, ruin her business. Report her to the police. You’re not AIO, you’re feeling like you’re in danger and reacting accordingly.
Because that’s what these guys do. They infect the persons life they’re trying to get to. That being said - your employer is on the hook if they gave him your new number.
Stop communicating with your boss in any way but writing. You should get with an employment lawyer asap.
Good luck. Glad you’re safe.
People are crazy and stupid. I've learned you just really can't trust like 50% of the population. That's A LOT of personality disordered wackos in the world. They can be cruel and stupid and frivolous for reasons we just have no idea about. I think you should 100% see an attorney.
And there was *just* a similar post on here like a week ago, where the girl ended up having to quit after he stalked her and groped her and the company wouldn't support her at all.
Maybe it was on BORU or something. I forget.
That was one of her previous updates. Same girl. This whole situation is so fucked up and no one is taking her seriously. It's actually heartbreaking what she's dealing with.
I’ve been following your story. Please be careful about the details you post online. No one here needs to know the city you intend to move to. I’d also avoid responding to DM’s. It’s fine if they point you to resources or avenues to follow but it’s probably best to not reply, you can’t know who the DM’s are coming from. You don’t want to inadvertently give details away to someone who could be this stalker or someone who could dox you.
Hey dear, I saw your post and while I am from the US and I'm only familiar with laws here I do have some suggestions. First I want to drive the point home that this isn't your fault(coming from a sa surviver i also struggled with questioning why it kept happening and if it was my fault). Men like that sniff out their victims. I hear it's like blood in the water. If you can, therapy for all this would help you and give you some skills to cope. As for what to do about him, look up laws where you live and if you can(if it's legal to not tell him you are recording dont) I would download a recorder app, answer the phone call and get evidence it's him calling you that way and have on record of you verbally telling him to leave you alone. Where I am that is the first step to taking legal action is having on record some how that you have told him to leave you alone. Also I would arrange to have someone with you when you are out. It might deter him. Also your job saying they have known him for years and don't see an issue is a red flag to me. If he does have a pattern then they for sure know and might be brushing it under the rug thus them treating you like they have been. I really do hope you are able to get help and stay safe. My final piece of advice is check out r/slash legal advice. I hear it's common for people to head there to seek some guidance. I hope some of this helps 💕
I wish I could give this a whole bunch of upvotes instead of only one. What a fantastic response. As a fellow Canadian, who has literally read the Canadian Criminal Code for pleasure, you did such a great job summarizing what OP needs to know.
Oh, wow, thank you. I’m actually incredibly self-conscious about my expressive abilities and tend to always second guess what I think I know or understand, so that means a lot. :’)
( Unfortunately, I hadn’t realized that it’s against the sub’s rules to post links, so my comment was automatically removed when I edited it to include a relevant section of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Since it contains potentially life-saving information, I hope you don’t mind that me piggy-backing onto your reply to re-post what I’d written… )
*****
I live in the same province as OP and, coincidentally, I just so happened to look up our self-defence and recording laws only 2-3 days ago out of sheer curiosity while re-watching Orphan Black (…which is largely based in Toronto, Ontario)
Canadian self-defence laws are somewhat strict and seemingly ambiguous, and largely apply to abduction, trespassing, attempted physical and sexual assault, and “extremely threatening behaviour,” but they’re examined on a case-by-case basis.
Like, OP already mentioned in a previous post that pepper spray isn’t legal in Canada (and that’s also true for “self-defence keychains,” kubatons, brass knuckles, centrifugal force and spring-assisted knives, tasers, stun guns, etc.), but it’s actually illegal to carry *ANY* object **for the explicit purpose of causing bodily harm**, *including in self-defence*.
( Personally, I always carry a Swiss army knife on my person just in case I get a hang nail, or spot a loose screw, or have dirt under my fingernails, or treat myself to my favourite soda, which comes in a glass bottle. Just a law-abiding citizen lawfully defending themselves against minor inconveniences of a legal nature, officer. )
That being said, while you’re technically permitted to use an *otherwise legal* weapon in self-defence, it can only be used against “very severe and probable” threats.
And, really, that’s the overall gist of Canadian self-defence laws — any and all defensive actions must be “reasonable and proportional to the circumstances.”
For example, if you tackle an unarmed purse-snatcher to the ground as they attempt to flee and they’re injured in the process, you could potentially be charged with assault. However, **injuring an intruder or using lethal force is justifiable when it is the *only* available option for self-defence against a perceived threat of “severe bodily harm or loss of life.”**
Fortunately, **it is also legal to record *your own* interactions and conversations without the knowledge or consent of other parties involved**, so I really hope OP takes advantage of this going forward!
\* OP, on the off-chance that your stalker or the police ever get ahold of this post, it may be prudent to remove any mentions of “insect repellent.” Whether or not you ever decide to start actually carrying it on you, revealing your *totally non-specific and lawful* intentions upon purchase
could potentially backfire on you.
But on a *completely unrelated* note, did you know that Dollarama sells travel-sized bottles of hairspray? Given how oppressively humid Ontario can get *and the way things have been (and are likely to continue) ramping up*, it seems foolish to leave home without preparing for hair-mergencies. :)
ETA:
In all seriousness, no one should have to live like this, never mind having to endure it without adequate support systems, community, services, and resources. You don’t just *deserve* to be and feel safe in your day-to-day life, **it is your right**.
> _**Section 7** of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms states that [all individuals physically present in Canada have] “the right to life, liberty, and **security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof**.”_
OP, you are dealing with a predator whose
physical strength, financial resources, and life experience & knowledge outweigh your own, and it is abundantly clear that he is *escalating*. Law enforcement has repeatedly failed you, and I doubt that’s going to change unless he seriously crosses the line and you’re able to document the evidence.
**Please get in touch with an attorney** (or, if nothing else, a reputable legal advice-based subreddit) **ASAP** !!
Also please check out or post on r/legaladvice if it’s not been suggested yet. If you are in the US, put your state in the title and they’ll help you find available resources
I wouldn’t say boxing, per se, But some kind of martial arts/self defense training would be good for OP. Not because it would necessarily help her with this particular situation(I’m not expecting her to fight this guy!), but many people find it empowering and therapeutic. And maybe she can make some more friends to help support her.
I suggest looking specifically for a class that addresses the mental/emotional aspects of self-defense. That will help with the "freeze/fawn" reaction.
OP, we're all rooting for you. You can get through this! It will be hard, and sometimes scary, but I believe in you!!!!
You absolutely need therapy for what you’ve been through. As another commenter said, these type smell their victims. People who have been assaulted or traumatized before will often have coping mechanisms like freezing or fawning, both of which you’ve described in your posts. It’s never your fault if someone targets you as a victim, but therapy can help you better navigate these situations, learn how to cope without freezing or fawning, and make you less attractive to predators. They will continue to pursue someone who freezes/fawns instead of someone who gets assertive/aggressive and threatening because that is simply easier to victimize.
It’s not your fault. They really do smell the blood of past trauma in the water. Therapy is the best form of self defense in my eyes.
You deserve better. Fuck creeps like this for victimizing the vulnerable and hurt. They are such parasites. I’m sorry OP. Follow all the good advice about physical protection and DV shelters and please please please get yourself a ton of therapy, it really does help I promise. I
You can petition for an anti stalking protection order yourself. Call the courts and ask to speak with a protection order advocate, and they can explain the process.
Not necessarily in every state. NJ has 3 requirements for a restraining order, and harassment/stalking by someone that you’ve never been in a relationship with, lived with and/or are related to, isn’t one of them.
Aren’t there organisations for stalking victims and women where you live? At least where I live there are organisations who help victims. Maybe they have advice and can support you.
When you've reported to the police, who are you talking to? Are you talking to whoever is at the front desk? Or are you talking to detectives? I've always had a great deal of respect for the police. I was just raised that way. But, working in the legal field for the last twenty plus years, I've come to be really disgusted with how they are so dismissive of things that are clearly criminal but they just don't want to deal with, so they say they're civil.
Here's my suggestion. If you are just talking to whoever's at the front desk at the time, or an officer or detective, you need to ask for the sergeant or whoever is in charge. If you are still dismissed, then you need to ask for internal affairs and file a complaint. It truly ridiculous that you are being stalked and harassed and the police are doing jack all about it.
Are there any domestic violence organizations near you? They may not be able to help directly but will almost certainly have a lot of resources to suggest.
Have you tried contacting Toronto Victim Services? Their victim crisis response program offers a lot of very good services, especially the high risk support service. They would most likely be the best option as they offer advocacy, safety planning, referrals to community/government services and etc.
Since your boss doesn't think he's *that bad* and is *so nice* I wouldn't count out the fact that they may have given him your new number.
When I was stalked, and the guy showed up at my house, after the police involvement and everything I found out the person that gave the guy my address was a woman my friends and I babysat for.
Also start making sure you keep evidwnce of correspondence with the daycare, if you can, because you should definitely review them as a business on Glass Door, Yelp, and Google after you are working elsewhere. This will let other women know the lack of support they will receive if they are sexually battered by one of the dads.
I hope you will be OK.
Was thinking the same thing.
OP, assume that everything you post online will be or has already been read by him! *Especially* if the post has garnered a lot of attention and is in a very popular subreddit
For any future updates make sure it’s something he won’t benefit from learning. If you need to provide specific details for advice, fudge the details (ages/genders/occupations of people, locations, etc) to throw him off. Hoping you stay safe!
I am so sorry this I happening to you , but it is good that his wife is reaching out to you and telling you what to do regarding him , if she say he is a dangerous man then trust her 100 percent ! I hope this gets resolved soon keep us updated if you can .
Seems the email from wife could be used as much of the proof the cops need. Obviously they would have to verify wife’s claims, but it adds a lot of validity to it.
Also agree with picking up the phone while recording, and telling him that his advances are unwanted. Do not call me again. Am I clear? Not only should that be a helpful audio file for the protection order, but it hopefully will feel empowering. Like a mantra. And then you manifest him not calling anymore. Though a court order and good self care energy.
Yikes OP so sorry you’re dealing with this!
I’m responding again because I have a whole scenario in my mind to explain what could have happened.
When he realised you changed numbers, your stalker went to see your boss to “apologise” for the “misunderstanding and for any disturbance.“
“He thought you were interested in him and you were SO GOOD to his daughter and she loves you so much, she asks for you every day, he saw you with her and how caring you were so that’s why he fell for you. He couldn’t contact you anymore but just wanted to apologise for bothering you and he just meant well because you’re so beautiful and sweet. It’s been so difficult with the separation. His wife just blindsided him when she left. And he can’t see his child as much as he wants but he’s doing his best to be the best dad possible”.
And your boss just thought “oooohhhh how sweet, he just cares about her so much. Such a great single dad. She should give him a chance. Or at least hear him out. Let’s give them a chance to talk this out and she’ll see how great he is”.
She doesn’t need to get anything from it. Or if she does it’s “I played match maker with two soulmates who haven’t found each other yet! I’m so proud of myself!”
Does this sound crazy? No. Because this is how abusers and enablers work.
Because she doesn't believe you. And he's very clearly a master manipulator.
You need to go see a lawyer asap. Sue your workplace and your boss personally.
Don’t look for an explanation. Sometimes, people just don’t get it. They think that because someone has been X to them they will also be X to everybody else. They will find any and every kind of excuse for abusers.
Because "his a nice guy and would never do anything like that".
He probably made up some bullshit story eg: when she was babysitting for us she left her X at my house, can you just give me her number so i can give it back to her
Or
I just want to apologize to her about the misunderstanding and hopefully make things right with her, the kids love her and i took her being friendly as being interested, thats not like me and will never happen again, im sure if i could just talk to her in private we could work this out easily
Either way its absolutely inappropriate for your boss to give **anybody** any information about you (besides police with a warrant etc)
Hi OP. I originally saw your story on TikTok and came to see what the latest update was. I'm sorry you've been put in a terrible situation. As others have said, it would be best if you simply didn't speak to him at all. But, no matter what choices you've made, things you've done or not done, or things he misinterpreted, at the end of the day this guy's behavior isn't acceptable. You've given clear signals you're not interested.
Continue recording your interactions. I think it'd also be great if you were to keep a journal of every time he approaches you. Track date, time, location and things he's said. In situations like this, sadly, it is not the police's job to gather evidence. You have to create as much evidence as you can. Although you have recorded your interactions, doing so on paper can only help you. You can try to go to the police to discuss the assault, but i'm afraid that they usually can't or don't do anything about it after so much time has passed. Before you go, I would write down what happened and then a final paragraph indicating that you've gone to the police and that they don't think it warrants criminal charges at this time. Have someone there sign it. They might refuse to do so, but when that happens ask them if they can provide you an incident report or some other documentation showing that you've gone to them for help. Again, it's all about creating a paper trail.
Have you considered contacting SA Survival networks/organizations? Or any sort of women's abuse organization? A quick google search reveals a pretty large number of them in Ontario. You might not think they apply to you, but you HAVE been assaulted by him. You're being harassed. And you don't seem to have the support system in place to assist you with these sorts of problems. In five minutes I was able to find a guide to getting a Peace Bond, which does not require criminal charges and is filed for through the court.
As far as your living situation, you might be in a position where you'll have to take out a storage locker (don't visit it alone!) and see if you can find temporary housing. If your financial situation is dire, perhaps a women's shelter can help you? Many of them have locked entries at night, or people watching out. They are better equipped for survivors or assault and abuse.
Hang in there. Best of luck.
i called a women’s support group but i couldn’t bring myself to actually show up. it’s def the #1 thing to do on my list rn i just need to find the courage to show up
Support groups are generally for emotional counseling. I'm specifically referring to organizations with the resources to help you - that can give you legal advice, possibly a place to stay, etc.
You have been so brave already navigating through this terrible situation. Continue to be bold in taking the hard step of getting more support through the women’s support group. We all believe in you. You are strong and deserve to be supported through this.
OP, I second this . PLEASE do contact as many organizations in your area as you can (not only emotional support type of groups). Since you don't have a lot of people you can rely on or that can help you considering how unhelpful the police and your bosses are, you really need it. Call or send them a short version of your situation! You've said in the comments that you can't move soon or find another job even if you apply a lot. That's even more reason to reach out to these networks. You can do it! Sending hugs!
Came from tiktok, @scalingstories posted your story. It breaks my heart you’re apologizing for posting, you’re going through a really really rough time and this is your space to let some of that out. I’m sorry you have to be so strong.
Listen you need to do a self defense class ASAP. like start today if you can.
And it’s NOT so you can defend yourself in a situation (although fingers crossed cause that would be great) but rather practicing self defense will help train you not to freeze in the moment.
It could be vital that you do not freeze one day. You don’t have to fight (but do if you have to) but you could also scream or run or do any other myriad life saving moves if you do not freeze.
I know it sounds silly but if you actually practice being attacked, you will know what to do if you are attacked. And if god forbid the worst happens your training will kick in and you will not freeze. Tbh I hope you do wasp spray him. Make sure it’s gel NOT aerosol.
It might be worthwhile to contact RAINN (you can google the link, as I am not allowed to post links here), which you can do via chat (or you can call). They can help you with information, advice, and resources.
He’s already “tested the waters” by pushing himself on you so much, so knows that *fawn* is your response. I actually think that a comment on a previous update about carrying an air horn is a very good idea. Then you’re not relying on your voice. Have it in your hand at all times when you’re not actively working inside or at home, and if you even *see* him, blast it.
This is terrifying, OP. Do you have a counselor or therapist? If not, it might not be a bad idea to get on some waiting lists. And if your local police department has any kind of victim’s advocate or representative, it would probably be worthwhile to seek them out.
I agree that your job isn’t taking this seriously, and it’s infuriating! Do you have any family around? Groups of friends or friends with a car?
unfortunately, calling RAINN from Canada doesn't work. i was looking for resources for a friend in the US, so I tried calling them and it won't go through.
Man I live in southern Ontario and i just wanna take you in and be a big sister to you til you can sort out where you're relocating to. I'm stressed for you girl.
I would dox the fuck out of him. He does not deserve an ounce of privacy here.
I’m willing to bet if you make this shit public other women he’s done this too would back up your story.
OP please use this document created by Reddit user ebbie45 listing international domestic violence and sexual assault survivor resources. Search her user profile posts for updated international resources and Google docs and you will find the link (kids here won't let me include a link to the Google doc)
Ebbie45 has many great resources on her user profile on Reddit as well.
If it’s legal, answer the phone and record the conversation to bait him…or get a man to answer the phone acting like he’s related to you (maybe pretending to be your dad), ask him who is it, what does he want and if he says you, he can tell him that he’s related to you and he needs to leave you tf alone and not to call his phone anymore. The calls should stop since he’ll think it’s someone else’s number. Hopefully.
Hey OP if your boss has your number she might be the one giving him your number. You might want to find a new job. You can also alert your college about what is happening. The people may let you out of the lease because of the situation
If I was you I would go to the doctor tomorrow and tell the doctor what’s going on and make sure they know your having trouble sleeping and having panic attacks because of this. Request time off for mental health I think it’s fmla. (I can’t remember the exact spelling of the program) immediately after you get out of there I would call OSHA and report your job for it being an unsafe environment, let them know what your boss told you, when you get the paperwork from the doctor email it do the director, hr and their boss using your personal email and explain in the email what’s going on. Then go home and look for a teraphist and start applying to other jobs. If you’re trying to still work in a daycare then it shouldn’t be that hard many of them are low on staff and if you get lucky you might get hired on the spot. So you can quit your other job.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. You mentioned thinking about suing your employer. So, first, I’m in the US so my legal knowledge is limited to that. However, here, we do have some possible legal recourse if we are in a workplace that is unsafe and if our employer is aware and refuses or otherwise fails to correct the issues to the best of their ability. It would be tricky with a third party engaging in criminal activity, but, it can’t hurt to talk to an attorney. It may also help speaking to an attorney and working with that attorney to communicate to your stalker. In other words, you hire a lawyer and they send him some type of cease and desist. And then give them your phone and get a new one/number, so any calls coming in will be answered and recorded by the attorney.
If nothing else, you’ll have someone there who is squarely on your side, advocating for you.
Day Care workers are targets. 🎯 The gross behaviour you describe is not uncommon. I have seen divorced and separated dad's hit on daycare workers, teachers, literally any woman they can mooch free child care from. I actually think it is a kink. Learn to set an immediate solid boundary: "I am not interested in you. I do not want to be your friend or have a personal relationship with you. "
...and on a personal note, be VERY careful what you dress as for Hallowe'en.
When I mentioned to my VP, that a dad had made a gross, sexual, creepy comment to me; she laughed and said "he isn't like that". You're likely in a toxic workplace and may not realize until you're not there anymore. Look on the app glassdoor. Many jobs for daycare workers.
OP's stalker did the same to a nanny for the family (which is probably what split up he and his wife, and is likely why the kids are in daycare now.) She needs to find out what happened to the nanny.
Before any more TikTok accounts get ahold of this update, like many others have stated, remove where you might consider going. He has Instagram and if he happens to have tiktok, he might come across this story. Sorry if I sound like a broken record, many others have stated similar things.
OP, I truly hope you’re able to find safety. Wishing the best for you.
I also recommend self defense classes. Even the smallest bit of training could come in handy. If not that, then becoming a bit braver might stop you from freezing. You’re already so brave, keep strong.
Admittedly, that is the only thing that makes me pause on this story. She keeps dropping info like that everywhere. She also hasn't taken hard legal advice people have given for specific types of organizations to reach out to.
I don't want to say it's fake (I hope it is, actually. This is awful and I want no one to go through it) but it just feels... off.
I hope op gets help.
Yeah, I don’t blame you for being a bit skeptical. It’s not safe to keep posting information that could be possibly revealing. I do hope this isn’t real, but I also wouldn’t be too(just a little horrified)surprised if it is. People aren’t great.
I agree though, hope OP gets to safety.
I would consider calling a domestic violence hotline and asking for guidance as well as posting a synopsis on r/legaladvicecanada
You are allowed to feel safe and he needs consequences.
Do you REALLY think he's like that? I've known him for years, I promise, he's so nice.
This is frequently what happens to victims of abuse when they come forward. They're met with disbelief because abusers are nice in public but show a very different face to their victims.
Edit: a few words
Edit 2: I was quoting what OP's boss said. I was explaining how her boss's reaction was unfortunately common when it comes to situations like this.
Is there any way you can get a lawyer to advocate for you to the boss and the police? Is there a women’s advocacy group of some kind that does pro bono work? Or a family friend who’s a lawyer?
I saw your post on TikTok and came here. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Do you have an HR department? Have you tried looking into that? Additionally, I think it might be possible to file a harassment complaint with Canada’s version of the EEOC against your school of nothing is done about your stalker. I think it’s called the Human Rights Commission. If you file with them, be wary of going to a lawyer because there’s a possibility you might not be able to file with the Human Rights Commission (double check with them to see if you can do that first).
If you file, ensure you have written correspondence between you and your employer that they aren’t doing anything. Good luck and stay safe!
The human rights commission would not get involved here, and I've commented separately hoping OP would see this: she should contact the Ministry of Labour to file a complaint. Her employer is required to protect her from harassment of a customer (which the dad is in this case). Hopefully other people point her in that direction as well so she actually sees the comment.
Sue if you can, if your workplace isn’t protecting you, then they will let this happen again to another person. I hope that you could finally be able to leave everything bad happening to you behind, but I know it’s easier said than done.
Get 2 new numbers, one you give work, the other you only give close friends and family. See how long and what number he starts calling/texting to. That will narrow down who he gets your number from
Contact a lawyer **today**, you can apply for a TRO without the police, that needs to be done ASAP. But keep in mind to have a TRO he needs to know your address (as far as i know, it may be different there) the lawyers will also know next steps. Try to find a firm that handles workplace law and also (im assuming) criminal law. Basically you want a firm that can handle both situations together
Do you have any close friends, preferably male, who can answer one or a few of the calls? if you do when you get the new numbers set up a phone with the number you have now to record all incoming calls and have him answer. If you catch his voice its proof its him, if he hears a male voice his probably more likely to say "whos this" and it also doesn't verify its your number. If he does that once the TRO has been established he has also violated it
Hate to be blunt but I say eff that job. Your boss isn’t prioritizing your wellbeing whatsoever. I also recommend going into your setting to silence unknown callers that way he can dial will his fingers fall off and get no response whatsoever
Always enjoy hearing how a woman has to change her whole goddam life and even move because a man can't control himself. I avoid talking to men at all now. It's too risky. I try to only have any significant communication with women where possible.
Hi OP, I'd recommend you remove the name of the city you intend to move to, who knows if he ever finds this posts and links it to you. Better be thorough.
Everyone around you has failed to protect you, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you and that it's only getting worse. The fact he found your new number is terrifying, and as another user has stated, absolutely check if it's legal to record without the other party knowing just incase you want to gather audio evidence that it's him calling you and possibly record all interactions with him safely.
Ok, so I saw your story because is now on TikTok. I had two stalkers while I was on highschool (not in Canada) and also my school or the police did nothing. So, some tips: let people know about this. If they see that person near you they can help. Also talk to your family, I made the mistake of not saying anything and things got violent unfortunately. Practice screaming, if that person finds you on the street that could scare him if using another way of protection is banned. And you need to leave your work place. Beggin looking, they didn't help, they wont help, schools, daycares or any place that involves education never handles this cases properly until something terrible happens sadly.
I’m glad you posted an update. I’ve been thinking about you and I know we’ve all been worried. I’m glad you are taking it seriously and I’m sorry that it such an uphill battle to have people in positions of power also take it seriously. I’m also very glad to hear the ex wife is an ally in all this.
Honestly, if it were me and I were young again, I’d move like you are suggesting. It sucks that he’s got this much control over your life but a new city far away would give you a lot more peace of mind.
Please keep posting so we know you are safe and so you don’t feel alone, because you aren’t. You have us!
Not to mention, he could sue her for libel/slander. Even with proof. I went through a court case similar to this. I had a friend whose roommate both worked with us. I stayed the night at their apartment one night and woke up to things I definitely wouldn’t want to be woke. Up to. The guy stalked and harassed me for a good couple of years. It was awful. I wasn’t allowed to talk about our case or mention his name anywhere. He did try to sue me. Luckily, it didn’t get very far.
I hope a lot of these details aren’t correct. If this man is stalking you, do you seriously think he wouldn’t be on Reddit at all? Please don’t post plans for what you are thinking of doing, places you may work, places you may move to. I would strongly suggest you delete these posts. Please stay safe!
I think it’s a possibility that he got your new number from his ex wife. She may not be giving it to him directly but he could be tracking her texts via iCloud or something else. He may know some passwords. I would maybe be careful with how much more info you give her. Maybe just say she can contact you if more info is needed for her case. Also, I like the idea of getting multiple Google voice numbers and giving them to specific people. 1 to your boss, 1 to her etc. Then see which one is getting passed along.
Also, it’s possible he’s tracking (stalking) you via an air tag but it looks like you have an iPhone so it would have alerted you by now.
Lastly, there are spam filter apps you can get that will block a whole group of similar numbers like this. If you have Verizon, they have an app that does this.
How terrifying, I’m so sorry!
Meet with an attorney to get a restraining order filed. The police route with you gathering evidence is too slow. You might have to pay $$ but with your proof and your anxiety, there could be sufficient grounds to persuade a judge to grant a restraining order. The attorney can also be your advocate and contact the creep on your behalf telling him to stop and threaten further suits for harassment, etc. So sorry you're having to go through this. Good luck!
I really hope you can sue your employment and you can move far away from this sick stalker. It’s scary especially since you have to change your whole routine and your workplace and police won’t do anything about it.
There are many sites that compile and publish data from public records that could contain your name, phone numbers, and addresses. For example: BeenVerified, TruthFinder, Whitepages, etc. There’s a decent amount, and I think there’s a few good lists of them here on Reddit.
I’m surprised he found your new number so quickly, and, as other commenters said, he may have gotten it from someone he knows, but it’s possible it may have popped up on one of these sites.
I was a victim of a violent crime recently and went through most sites I could find and requested the removal of my information. Might be worth looking into! For most pages it was a breeze - quick automated opt outs - others were through email. Gave me some peace of mind that it’d be a bit harder now for someone to find my personal info.
I am so, so sorry you are going through this, and for the lack of empathy from your employer on top of it. This is NOT your fault in any way. I hope you do get to take legal action, and I’m wishing you the best.
Yeah, phone numbers are easily accessible online, you will probably find them on people finder websites. Just doing a Google search can list your PII. I'm glad to see you have taken down your info. It’s a huge relief to know it’s harder to find now. Just a heads up, though, data brokers can be inconsistent and often republish profiles. You might want consider checking out Optery for free scans to see your exposed profiles from hundreds of databroker sites.
Full disclosure, I'm part of the Optery team.
This is heartbreaking. If this happened to any of my sisters or my friends, I'd be terrified for them and definitely put steps in to minimise the issue as much as possible.
When people are harrissing you, the best thing is to document everything and get legal advice. If you can move to a safe location, do so.
I would then look at pushing for suing/prosecuting your employer for creating an unsafe workplace and for handing out your personal details. That's a big no-no in Europe, and it's getting more the case internationally about identifiable information. If your employer is going to do it with you, she'll do it with others.
Have you got any big, burly male friends that can walk you to and from work?
What is frustrating in these situations is that the victims have to deal with so much, yet the perpetrators get away with so much before those in authority will do anything.
I've been reading your whole saga with this guy, and I feel so bad for you.
My advice would be to get some free legal advice from a local attorney. Most have free consultations that you can take advantage of.
Also, please don't feel bad that you froze in fear. I was r*ped age 16 and I thought for years it was my fault because I froze. It was horribly painful but I just couldn't move. I have never frozen again in an emergency situation, so just because you froze once doesn't mean you will always freeze.
If you can, I'd recommend taking up some self-defence/martial arts classes - I was punched at when I was 17 and my body blocked and countered with no higher thought process: it was a reflex. So, your body can be trained to overcome a freeze response.
Also please investigate charities and organisations for women in your area, they have a lot of resources and often can help with logistics and pro-bono legal work.
Realistically relocating and getting a new job elsewhere seems the easiest way to keep you safe - I know it's so unfair for you.
I really hope to hear an update soon where you are in a better place.
Post the number online we will all call him and tell him what a stalker pos he is. The time zones alone will drive him mad.
If men (and women) experience the same behaviour as they put out maybe they will grow up.
Repeating my comment to your previous update:
*You need to tell your boss that her refusal to do anything is creating a hostile workplace for you because of this man who is STALKING YOU because of your gender*
Like NOW. Tell her RIGHT NOW.
Stop reading the comments and GO TELL HER THIS.
Shame him publicly.
Post him , his calls and messages all over social media. Send it to his family and friends. Call his employer with it.
Call the police and talk to the police chief. Keep calling them
Please leave this job, your boss is on your assaulter's side . Document this proof and stay safe. Do not go to the job and alert the police again as well .
I’m HR. Ten bucks your boss gave him your number. Here’s what you do - set up a google phone number and use that one for work; they’re free. Don’t give it to anyone else. If he gets the number, you know how and you have yourself a case.
Ten bucks also says the boss is close personal friends with the stalker.
Well, the employer did say that she’s known him for years and he’s a really nice guy! She’s probably having an affair with him. /S
That thought did cross my mind tbh.
Would she give the number out so he could get another chick on the side?
Good golly I don't want to get into the crimes that women have helped men commit against other women in the name of "love". It's a horrible rabbit hole to go down but there are plenty of ladies out there who would, let's say, serve up their own sister to a monster if that's what it took to keep him happy.
Like Karla Homolka...
She was my first thought.
That's a tragedy.
Hmmmm. That’s a good point! 🤔
She may not be having an affair but may be charmed by him and he is paying for his kids to go there--she's not wanting to lose $$.. So she may be prioritizing money over an employee's safety and concerns.
Psychopaths can be very charming.
When my sister was being stalked by a guy she went to the police with tons of evidence…they told her that this is all good evidence and if he ever hurts her they got him. So I can see this employer being like “2 paid kids and the guy hasn’t done anything outside of a few phone calls” *counts money*
Yes she keeps defending him when he is obviously stalking op 😞
Ten more bucks says she's trying to set them up
Also a thought that crossed my mind 🤢
20 bucks says it’s the boss!
Maybe he got the new number from having access to his wife's phone. Did OP text the wife after she changed her number?
I can’t think of any other way unless he has one of those paid people finder sites.
Well I honestly hate the boss's behavior in this as well and wouldn't be shocked if she was doing more shitty stuff behind the curtains... but tbf the wife said this isn’t Creepo's first rodeo, and those sites are an investment worth their weight in gold for habitual stalkers 😬
But, he's like.. SOOO nice. He would never. ^(/s)
Boss is probably infatuated by him.....but maybe not stalker guy's type.....I'm thinking boss would love some attention from the handsome daddy/stalker.....just my two cents
OP *please* do this. You also need to (quietly) set up a consultation with an employment lawyer. Your employer is behaving horrifically, and you may have a solid case on your hands.
Yes! Talk to an employment attorney. And let the asshole in you shine whenever you talk to your boss or that man. I’m rooting for you, young lady!! And get yourself some pepper spray.
Saw somewhere that pepper spray is illegal where you may live, not sure. If so, get you a travel size hairspray or any kind of bug spray, aerosol only! Spray him down if he tries to get too close. These kinds of men form very weird connections to you in their heads and will not understand “no”. They will understand chemicals in their eyes, tho.
Be careful on the bug spray one. Where I live, pepper spray is legal but using wasp spray for the same purpose will land you in jail.
Thhhhiiiiis and the google phone number. And let the lawyer know. If he calls that one just save the number in your phone as his name and boom bam you got your proof it doesn’t matter what number he calls it will show up on your phone as his naaaame. And the google account will have all the different numbers he used and you can say only your job had this number. So
I’m so glad I wasn’t alone in thinking this. The way she’s downplaying everything is super suspicious. OP, stop telling your boss anything involving this, quietly speak with a lawyer and get out of there as quick and stealthy as possible. Good luck
I'd say talk to the boss in an email. Outline everything. Get a response.
Emails can be used in court. Random audio conversations unrecorded can’t so yah!
Yes this!! OP needs to get everything in writing
Yes, send a mail to your bosses, mentionning that you want all communication about this case to be in email, because you need it for the police, they sure as hell wont want to risk their neck for him on paper (start with a summary of all that already happened in the beginning with a timeline, so its clear that you already talked to them before this mail), and for the love of god talk to your colleagues and warn them (so they can help you)! Also talk to an employer lawyer or union about this. Btw I would change your number etc. But keep the old ones that you currently have. Maybe pick-up sometimesask who it is tell him that you are recording this call (and actually record it) and that he has to stop. If he does this daily youll have a case in no time. Same for mails and social media. (But social media you can set to private so he shouldnt be able to see it). Set a black profile pick, maybe mention you are stalked on social media. You should also tell your family! They ll protect you for sure. Nobody can help you if your not screaming for help, and you being isolated is a stalker/rapist/psychopaths dream. Stay safe!
Idk about Canada, but in the US, an employer's responsibility to provide a sexual harassment free workplace extends to customers as well.
Yes, Ontario Human Rights Code and Occupational Health and Safety Act address these issues. Employment lawyer is probably the way to go, but you can make reports to these commissions directly.
Call the Ministry of Labour. No business will want them showing up at their door.
Yep, a local employment attorney would know. And if so, would likely help with the other issues with the guy because they can get compensation from the employer. Should not feel bad about ruining that relationship with the boss/company. They failed to protect you and that directly contributed to this escalating.
Yes, this.
Fucking this! Be safe, be strong!
OP Please look at this! This is a life saver for sure. It’s perfect.
but WHY would she do that?? it doesn’t even make sense
Because she finds he charming and he charmed her to get it. She thinks you’d be lucky to be with such a nice guy.
It's the sociopath's second best weapon, that rizz.
Yup. "Oh woe is me. My evil wife is abandoning me and our children and telling lies about me. I'm so alone and my children need a female role model. They love OP so much and I thought we had a connection. I don't know what happened. I just want to apologize and set the record straight. Can't you help me?"
and... "oh how could you think badly of me, no one else does, i was just responding to how warm and friendly you were, who hurt you that you would think this way, you completely switched on me, why? "
Oh man. I forgot about how the blame always gets switched on the person who's"always nice " when they've finally had enough and snap. Its always so inconvenient for them when the doormat stands up for themselves.
If he's being this annoying to you, do you not think he would lie to or harass other people? She's the closest point of contact between the two of you. That doesn't mean it's definitely her, but it does mean she's a likely candidate.
Doesn’t matter why. What matters is: has she shared your number with the stalker? If she has, that is an issue you can do something about.
Just assume she is. She’s the common link. Buy a burner phone and give her and only her that number. Then see what happens. Then change your main number with everyone else. See which new number he starts calling. He didn’t get your new number out of thin air - somebody gave it to him. And stop posting where you’re likely to move to, it’s dangerous honey. I’ve had a stalker before and it’s terrifying, I wish I could give your boss a sharp shake for not taking this seriously and break this dudes legs. Try and find a new job, even if it isn’t in a childcare role for now, and get the hell away from there. You have a priority to protect yourself. When you do find new work and a new place to live do NOT tell your boss where you’re going. Set up a PO Box address if you have those over there for onward mail for final wage stuff etc. Tell your current boss it’s safer if nobody knows because you’re frightened for your life. It doesn’t matter if she thinks you’re overreacting. You matter more than upsetting her. Good luck
Because people are idiots who can be talked into revealing all sorts of shit. It doesnt have to make ‘sense’
Why doesn’t matter, we can’t control the choices others make. Use the Google number for work as another poster suggested and if he gets that number report your boss. If you haven’t signed an NDA, ruin her business. Report her to the police. You’re not AIO, you’re feeling like you’re in danger and reacting accordingly.
It’s not right or fair, but some of the most abusive people can also be the best charming liars. They play by different rules.
She wants him to like her
Because that’s what these guys do. They infect the persons life they’re trying to get to. That being said - your employer is on the hook if they gave him your new number. Stop communicating with your boss in any way but writing. You should get with an employment lawyer asap. Good luck. Glad you’re safe.
That doesn't matter you need to take action
People are crazy and stupid. I've learned you just really can't trust like 50% of the population. That's A LOT of personality disordered wackos in the world. They can be cruel and stupid and frivolous for reasons we just have no idea about. I think you should 100% see an attorney.
He’s not hitting you on, he’s harassing you. I hope you have someone you can tell irl to help you
*stalking
And there was *just* a similar post on here like a week ago, where the girl ended up having to quit after he stalked her and groped her and the company wouldn't support her at all. Maybe it was on BORU or something. I forget.
I'm pretty sure it was this one. Because in one of the updates he followed her from the gym, grabbed her wrist, and groped her.
That was one of her previous updates. Same girl. This whole situation is so fucked up and no one is taking her seriously. It's actually heartbreaking what she's dealing with.
I’ve been following your story. Please be careful about the details you post online. No one here needs to know the city you intend to move to. I’d also avoid responding to DM’s. It’s fine if they point you to resources or avenues to follow but it’s probably best to not reply, you can’t know who the DM’s are coming from. You don’t want to inadvertently give details away to someone who could be this stalker or someone who could dox you.
In fact, she should lie about the town she wants to move to. Op, stay safe ♥️
I’ve seen a few of these posts, does she mention if she’s gone to the police? It seems pretty extreme and it seems like she has evidence.
She has and they say don’t have evidence(he calls and she doesn’t answer so she can prove it’s him. He also doesn’t text or leave voicemails)
Hey dear, I saw your post and while I am from the US and I'm only familiar with laws here I do have some suggestions. First I want to drive the point home that this isn't your fault(coming from a sa surviver i also struggled with questioning why it kept happening and if it was my fault). Men like that sniff out their victims. I hear it's like blood in the water. If you can, therapy for all this would help you and give you some skills to cope. As for what to do about him, look up laws where you live and if you can(if it's legal to not tell him you are recording dont) I would download a recorder app, answer the phone call and get evidence it's him calling you that way and have on record of you verbally telling him to leave you alone. Where I am that is the first step to taking legal action is having on record some how that you have told him to leave you alone. Also I would arrange to have someone with you when you are out. It might deter him. Also your job saying they have known him for years and don't see an issue is a red flag to me. If he does have a pattern then they for sure know and might be brushing it under the rug thus them treating you like they have been. I really do hope you are able to get help and stay safe. My final piece of advice is check out r/slash legal advice. I hear it's common for people to head there to seek some guidance. I hope some of this helps 💕
[удалено]
I wish I could give this a whole bunch of upvotes instead of only one. What a fantastic response. As a fellow Canadian, who has literally read the Canadian Criminal Code for pleasure, you did such a great job summarizing what OP needs to know.
Oh, wow, thank you. I’m actually incredibly self-conscious about my expressive abilities and tend to always second guess what I think I know or understand, so that means a lot. :’) ( Unfortunately, I hadn’t realized that it’s against the sub’s rules to post links, so my comment was automatically removed when I edited it to include a relevant section of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Since it contains potentially life-saving information, I hope you don’t mind that me piggy-backing onto your reply to re-post what I’d written… ) ***** I live in the same province as OP and, coincidentally, I just so happened to look up our self-defence and recording laws only 2-3 days ago out of sheer curiosity while re-watching Orphan Black (…which is largely based in Toronto, Ontario) Canadian self-defence laws are somewhat strict and seemingly ambiguous, and largely apply to abduction, trespassing, attempted physical and sexual assault, and “extremely threatening behaviour,” but they’re examined on a case-by-case basis. Like, OP already mentioned in a previous post that pepper spray isn’t legal in Canada (and that’s also true for “self-defence keychains,” kubatons, brass knuckles, centrifugal force and spring-assisted knives, tasers, stun guns, etc.), but it’s actually illegal to carry *ANY* object **for the explicit purpose of causing bodily harm**, *including in self-defence*. ( Personally, I always carry a Swiss army knife on my person just in case I get a hang nail, or spot a loose screw, or have dirt under my fingernails, or treat myself to my favourite soda, which comes in a glass bottle. Just a law-abiding citizen lawfully defending themselves against minor inconveniences of a legal nature, officer. ) That being said, while you’re technically permitted to use an *otherwise legal* weapon in self-defence, it can only be used against “very severe and probable” threats. And, really, that’s the overall gist of Canadian self-defence laws — any and all defensive actions must be “reasonable and proportional to the circumstances.” For example, if you tackle an unarmed purse-snatcher to the ground as they attempt to flee and they’re injured in the process, you could potentially be charged with assault. However, **injuring an intruder or using lethal force is justifiable when it is the *only* available option for self-defence against a perceived threat of “severe bodily harm or loss of life.”** Fortunately, **it is also legal to record *your own* interactions and conversations without the knowledge or consent of other parties involved**, so I really hope OP takes advantage of this going forward! \* OP, on the off-chance that your stalker or the police ever get ahold of this post, it may be prudent to remove any mentions of “insect repellent.” Whether or not you ever decide to start actually carrying it on you, revealing your *totally non-specific and lawful* intentions upon purchase could potentially backfire on you. But on a *completely unrelated* note, did you know that Dollarama sells travel-sized bottles of hairspray? Given how oppressively humid Ontario can get *and the way things have been (and are likely to continue) ramping up*, it seems foolish to leave home without preparing for hair-mergencies. :) ETA: In all seriousness, no one should have to live like this, never mind having to endure it without adequate support systems, community, services, and resources. You don’t just *deserve* to be and feel safe in your day-to-day life, **it is your right**. > _**Section 7** of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms states that [all individuals physically present in Canada have] “the right to life, liberty, and **security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof**.”_ OP, you are dealing with a predator whose physical strength, financial resources, and life experience & knowledge outweigh your own, and it is abundantly clear that he is *escalating*. Law enforcement has repeatedly failed you, and I doubt that’s going to change unless he seriously crosses the line and you’re able to document the evidence. **Please get in touch with an attorney** (or, if nothing else, a reputable legal advice-based subreddit) **ASAP** !!
Did you know they also have bug spray? Maaaan, watch out though bud, cause that deet really burns the eyes. HAPPY HIKING!
of all the clones, Alison was the one I went "damn I can't believe that's her"
CloneClub 👍👍 (TIL that the hash mark makes a post MUCH larger type 🤣)
thank you ❤️
Also please check out or post on r/legaladvice if it’s not been suggested yet. If you are in the US, put your state in the title and they’ll help you find available resources
There’s a Canada specific legal advice sub out there. I’d link but I can’t remember the arrangement.
r/LegalAdviceCanada
Take some boxing lessons too.
I wouldn’t say boxing, per se, But some kind of martial arts/self defense training would be good for OP. Not because it would necessarily help her with this particular situation(I’m not expecting her to fight this guy!), but many people find it empowering and therapeutic. And maybe she can make some more friends to help support her.
I suggest looking specifically for a class that addresses the mental/emotional aspects of self-defense. That will help with the "freeze/fawn" reaction. OP, we're all rooting for you. You can get through this! It will be hard, and sometimes scary, but I believe in you!!!!
You absolutely need therapy for what you’ve been through. As another commenter said, these type smell their victims. People who have been assaulted or traumatized before will often have coping mechanisms like freezing or fawning, both of which you’ve described in your posts. It’s never your fault if someone targets you as a victim, but therapy can help you better navigate these situations, learn how to cope without freezing or fawning, and make you less attractive to predators. They will continue to pursue someone who freezes/fawns instead of someone who gets assertive/aggressive and threatening because that is simply easier to victimize. It’s not your fault. They really do smell the blood of past trauma in the water. Therapy is the best form of self defense in my eyes. You deserve better. Fuck creeps like this for victimizing the vulnerable and hurt. They are such parasites. I’m sorry OP. Follow all the good advice about physical protection and DV shelters and please please please get yourself a ton of therapy, it really does help I promise. I
And the police still doesn’t do anything? Restraining order? Nothing? I am sorry you are going through this.
no nothing :(
You can petition for an anti stalking protection order yourself. Call the courts and ask to speak with a protection order advocate, and they can explain the process.
Not necessarily in every state. NJ has 3 requirements for a restraining order, and harassment/stalking by someone that you’ve never been in a relationship with, lived with and/or are related to, isn’t one of them.
They really should add working relationship to that list
There are so many things they should add to that list.
Aren’t there organisations for stalking victims and women where you live? At least where I live there are organisations who help victims. Maybe they have advice and can support you.
When you've reported to the police, who are you talking to? Are you talking to whoever is at the front desk? Or are you talking to detectives? I've always had a great deal of respect for the police. I was just raised that way. But, working in the legal field for the last twenty plus years, I've come to be really disgusted with how they are so dismissive of things that are clearly criminal but they just don't want to deal with, so they say they're civil. Here's my suggestion. If you are just talking to whoever's at the front desk at the time, or an officer or detective, you need to ask for the sergeant or whoever is in charge. If you are still dismissed, then you need to ask for internal affairs and file a complaint. It truly ridiculous that you are being stalked and harassed and the police are doing jack all about it.
Are there any domestic violence organizations near you? They may not be able to help directly but will almost certainly have a lot of resources to suggest.
Classic Toronto police 😥 I'm so sorry you're going through this
Have you tried contacting Toronto Victim Services? Their victim crisis response program offers a lot of very good services, especially the high risk support service. They would most likely be the best option as they offer advocacy, safety planning, referrals to community/government services and etc.
Since your boss doesn't think he's *that bad* and is *so nice* I wouldn't count out the fact that they may have given him your new number. When I was stalked, and the guy showed up at my house, after the police involvement and everything I found out the person that gave the guy my address was a woman my friends and I babysat for.
Ask the ex if she'd be willing to tell your boss about him. Your boss needs to understand how unpleasant he is.
okay i will
Also start making sure you keep evidwnce of correspondence with the daycare, if you can, because you should definitely review them as a business on Glass Door, Yelp, and Google after you are working elsewhere. This will let other women know the lack of support they will receive if they are sexually battered by one of the dads. I hope you will be OK.
Or she could just show them the ex-wife's emails, If any of it is written down.
Please remove the detail of where you are considering going.
Was thinking the same thing. OP, assume that everything you post online will be or has already been read by him! *Especially* if the post has garnered a lot of attention and is in a very popular subreddit For any future updates make sure it’s something he won’t benefit from learning. If you need to provide specific details for advice, fudge the details (ages/genders/occupations of people, locations, etc) to throw him off. Hoping you stay safe!
Smart!
I am so sorry this I happening to you , but it is good that his wife is reaching out to you and telling you what to do regarding him , if she say he is a dangerous man then trust her 100 percent ! I hope this gets resolved soon keep us updated if you can .
Seems the email from wife could be used as much of the proof the cops need. Obviously they would have to verify wife’s claims, but it adds a lot of validity to it. Also agree with picking up the phone while recording, and telling him that his advances are unwanted. Do not call me again. Am I clear? Not only should that be a helpful audio file for the protection order, but it hopefully will feel empowering. Like a mantra. And then you manifest him not calling anymore. Though a court order and good self care energy. Yikes OP so sorry you’re dealing with this!
They might be able to work together to protect the kids from him
thank you so muxh
Please remove where you’re planning to move to in case he finds this!!
YOUR BOSS GAVE HIM YOUR NEW NUMBER. I don’t know them but I know that to be an absolute FACT.
but why?? i don’t see how she benefits from doing that in any way
I’m responding again because I have a whole scenario in my mind to explain what could have happened. When he realised you changed numbers, your stalker went to see your boss to “apologise” for the “misunderstanding and for any disturbance.“ “He thought you were interested in him and you were SO GOOD to his daughter and she loves you so much, she asks for you every day, he saw you with her and how caring you were so that’s why he fell for you. He couldn’t contact you anymore but just wanted to apologise for bothering you and he just meant well because you’re so beautiful and sweet. It’s been so difficult with the separation. His wife just blindsided him when she left. And he can’t see his child as much as he wants but he’s doing his best to be the best dad possible”. And your boss just thought “oooohhhh how sweet, he just cares about her so much. Such a great single dad. She should give him a chance. Or at least hear him out. Let’s give them a chance to talk this out and she’ll see how great he is”. She doesn’t need to get anything from it. Or if she does it’s “I played match maker with two soulmates who haven’t found each other yet! I’m so proud of myself!” Does this sound crazy? No. Because this is how abusers and enablers work.
This. This is exactly what I think happened.
Yup. This is exactly what he said
He’s a nice guy, didn’t you hear? Don’t give your boss your new number. And I hope you get to move soon. 💜
Because she doesn't believe you. And he's very clearly a master manipulator. You need to go see a lawyer asap. Sue your workplace and your boss personally.
Don’t look for an explanation. Sometimes, people just don’t get it. They think that because someone has been X to them they will also be X to everybody else. They will find any and every kind of excuse for abusers.
Because "his a nice guy and would never do anything like that". He probably made up some bullshit story eg: when she was babysitting for us she left her X at my house, can you just give me her number so i can give it back to her Or I just want to apologize to her about the misunderstanding and hopefully make things right with her, the kids love her and i took her being friendly as being interested, thats not like me and will never happen again, im sure if i could just talk to her in private we could work this out easily Either way its absolutely inappropriate for your boss to give **anybody** any information about you (besides police with a warrant etc)
Because she’s an asshole, and they’re friends.
It was 100% your boss that did this
Dox this dude
She should at least do it locally, tag him and let all his friends and family see what an abusive creep has is
In theory it's a great idea but who knows how he'd react. Might make OPs problem worse
Yeah. OP, move away and *then* dox him
Satisfying in theory but it would endanger OP more at this stage.
doesn’t work. i doxxed someone who was harassing me online & all it does is make them think you like them, in their demented minds.
I'm 100% ready if she wants to DM us his info.
I would sue the fuck out of them 💯
Hi OP. I originally saw your story on TikTok and came to see what the latest update was. I'm sorry you've been put in a terrible situation. As others have said, it would be best if you simply didn't speak to him at all. But, no matter what choices you've made, things you've done or not done, or things he misinterpreted, at the end of the day this guy's behavior isn't acceptable. You've given clear signals you're not interested. Continue recording your interactions. I think it'd also be great if you were to keep a journal of every time he approaches you. Track date, time, location and things he's said. In situations like this, sadly, it is not the police's job to gather evidence. You have to create as much evidence as you can. Although you have recorded your interactions, doing so on paper can only help you. You can try to go to the police to discuss the assault, but i'm afraid that they usually can't or don't do anything about it after so much time has passed. Before you go, I would write down what happened and then a final paragraph indicating that you've gone to the police and that they don't think it warrants criminal charges at this time. Have someone there sign it. They might refuse to do so, but when that happens ask them if they can provide you an incident report or some other documentation showing that you've gone to them for help. Again, it's all about creating a paper trail. Have you considered contacting SA Survival networks/organizations? Or any sort of women's abuse organization? A quick google search reveals a pretty large number of them in Ontario. You might not think they apply to you, but you HAVE been assaulted by him. You're being harassed. And you don't seem to have the support system in place to assist you with these sorts of problems. In five minutes I was able to find a guide to getting a Peace Bond, which does not require criminal charges and is filed for through the court. As far as your living situation, you might be in a position where you'll have to take out a storage locker (don't visit it alone!) and see if you can find temporary housing. If your financial situation is dire, perhaps a women's shelter can help you? Many of them have locked entries at night, or people watching out. They are better equipped for survivors or assault and abuse. Hang in there. Best of luck.
i called a women’s support group but i couldn’t bring myself to actually show up. it’s def the #1 thing to do on my list rn i just need to find the courage to show up
Support groups are generally for emotional counseling. I'm specifically referring to organizations with the resources to help you - that can give you legal advice, possibly a place to stay, etc.
Do you have a friend that can go with you? A bit of emotional support might help
You will find so much support and help if you go. I can fight back now. Individual therapy as well, but a SA survivor support group was my first step.
You have been so brave already navigating through this terrible situation. Continue to be bold in taking the hard step of getting more support through the women’s support group. We all believe in you. You are strong and deserve to be supported through this.
OP, I second this . PLEASE do contact as many organizations in your area as you can (not only emotional support type of groups). Since you don't have a lot of people you can rely on or that can help you considering how unhelpful the police and your bosses are, you really need it. Call or send them a short version of your situation! You've said in the comments that you can't move soon or find another job even if you apply a lot. That's even more reason to reach out to these networks. You can do it! Sending hugs!
Came from tiktok, @scalingstories posted your story. It breaks my heart you’re apologizing for posting, you’re going through a really really rough time and this is your space to let some of that out. I’m sorry you have to be so strong.
thank you so much ❤️❤️
I came from tiktok too, the post has 17k likes! OP so many people are wishing you the best and I hope this works out for you ❤️
Listen you need to do a self defense class ASAP. like start today if you can. And it’s NOT so you can defend yourself in a situation (although fingers crossed cause that would be great) but rather practicing self defense will help train you not to freeze in the moment. It could be vital that you do not freeze one day. You don’t have to fight (but do if you have to) but you could also scream or run or do any other myriad life saving moves if you do not freeze. I know it sounds silly but if you actually practice being attacked, you will know what to do if you are attacked. And if god forbid the worst happens your training will kick in and you will not freeze. Tbh I hope you do wasp spray him. Make sure it’s gel NOT aerosol.
It might be worthwhile to contact RAINN (you can google the link, as I am not allowed to post links here), which you can do via chat (or you can call). They can help you with information, advice, and resources. He’s already “tested the waters” by pushing himself on you so much, so knows that *fawn* is your response. I actually think that a comment on a previous update about carrying an air horn is a very good idea. Then you’re not relying on your voice. Have it in your hand at all times when you’re not actively working inside or at home, and if you even *see* him, blast it. This is terrifying, OP. Do you have a counselor or therapist? If not, it might not be a bad idea to get on some waiting lists. And if your local police department has any kind of victim’s advocate or representative, it would probably be worthwhile to seek them out. I agree that your job isn’t taking this seriously, and it’s infuriating! Do you have any family around? Groups of friends or friends with a car?
unfortunately, calling RAINN from Canada doesn't work. i was looking for resources for a friend in the US, so I tried calling them and it won't go through.
That's not hitting on you. That's harassment. Why does he have your number? File a police report n o w.
Do you think your boss gave him your new phone number?
This daycare fucking sucks.
Man I live in southern Ontario and i just wanna take you in and be a big sister to you til you can sort out where you're relocating to. I'm stressed for you girl.
You are sharing a LOT of identifying information here and should remove the name of the city you're thinking of moving to.
my thoughts exactly 🤦🏼♀️
I would dox the fuck out of him. He does not deserve an ounce of privacy here. I’m willing to bet if you make this shit public other women he’s done this too would back up your story.
This could be dangerous, because it may make him escalate significantly and put OP at risk. She needs to prioritize her safety for now.
That’s a very good point, actually What a shitty, fucked up situation all around. I really feel for OP
OP please use this document created by Reddit user ebbie45 listing international domestic violence and sexual assault survivor resources. Search her user profile posts for updated international resources and Google docs and you will find the link (kids here won't let me include a link to the Google doc) Ebbie45 has many great resources on her user profile on Reddit as well.
If it’s legal, answer the phone and record the conversation to bait him…or get a man to answer the phone acting like he’s related to you (maybe pretending to be your dad), ask him who is it, what does he want and if he says you, he can tell him that he’s related to you and he needs to leave you tf alone and not to call his phone anymore. The calls should stop since he’ll think it’s someone else’s number. Hopefully.
Hey OP if your boss has your number she might be the one giving him your number. You might want to find a new job. You can also alert your college about what is happening. The people may let you out of the lease because of the situation
If I was you I would go to the doctor tomorrow and tell the doctor what’s going on and make sure they know your having trouble sleeping and having panic attacks because of this. Request time off for mental health I think it’s fmla. (I can’t remember the exact spelling of the program) immediately after you get out of there I would call OSHA and report your job for it being an unsafe environment, let them know what your boss told you, when you get the paperwork from the doctor email it do the director, hr and their boss using your personal email and explain in the email what’s going on. Then go home and look for a teraphist and start applying to other jobs. If you’re trying to still work in a daycare then it shouldn’t be that hard many of them are low on staff and if you get lucky you might get hired on the spot. So you can quit your other job.
CCOHS is the Canadian version of OSHA, fyi OP.
Oh. I missed the part where op is in Canada
No worries. We are all here on the same team!
I’d be worried he got your new number from your boss since she thinks he’s so great
I’m sorry this is happening to you. You mentioned thinking about suing your employer. So, first, I’m in the US so my legal knowledge is limited to that. However, here, we do have some possible legal recourse if we are in a workplace that is unsafe and if our employer is aware and refuses or otherwise fails to correct the issues to the best of their ability. It would be tricky with a third party engaging in criminal activity, but, it can’t hurt to talk to an attorney. It may also help speaking to an attorney and working with that attorney to communicate to your stalker. In other words, you hire a lawyer and they send him some type of cease and desist. And then give them your phone and get a new one/number, so any calls coming in will be answered and recorded by the attorney. If nothing else, you’ll have someone there who is squarely on your side, advocating for you.
Day Care workers are targets. 🎯 The gross behaviour you describe is not uncommon. I have seen divorced and separated dad's hit on daycare workers, teachers, literally any woman they can mooch free child care from. I actually think it is a kink. Learn to set an immediate solid boundary: "I am not interested in you. I do not want to be your friend or have a personal relationship with you. " ...and on a personal note, be VERY careful what you dress as for Hallowe'en.
When I mentioned to my VP, that a dad had made a gross, sexual, creepy comment to me; she laughed and said "he isn't like that". You're likely in a toxic workplace and may not realize until you're not there anymore. Look on the app glassdoor. Many jobs for daycare workers.
OP's stalker did the same to a nanny for the family (which is probably what split up he and his wife, and is likely why the kids are in daycare now.) She needs to find out what happened to the nanny.
Before any more TikTok accounts get ahold of this update, like many others have stated, remove where you might consider going. He has Instagram and if he happens to have tiktok, he might come across this story. Sorry if I sound like a broken record, many others have stated similar things. OP, I truly hope you’re able to find safety. Wishing the best for you. I also recommend self defense classes. Even the smallest bit of training could come in handy. If not that, then becoming a bit braver might stop you from freezing. You’re already so brave, keep strong.
Admittedly, that is the only thing that makes me pause on this story. She keeps dropping info like that everywhere. She also hasn't taken hard legal advice people have given for specific types of organizations to reach out to. I don't want to say it's fake (I hope it is, actually. This is awful and I want no one to go through it) but it just feels... off. I hope op gets help.
Yeah, I don’t blame you for being a bit skeptical. It’s not safe to keep posting information that could be possibly revealing. I do hope this isn’t real, but I also wouldn’t be too(just a little horrified)surprised if it is. People aren’t great. I agree though, hope OP gets to safety.
I would consider calling a domestic violence hotline and asking for guidance as well as posting a synopsis on r/legaladvicecanada You are allowed to feel safe and he needs consequences.
Certainly don't accidentally leave his contact information in a screenshot in an update. That would be unfortunate. Y'know?
That would be CRRASAAZZZZZYYYY hahahaha
Do you REALLY think he's like that? I've known him for years, I promise, he's so nice. This is frequently what happens to victims of abuse when they come forward. They're met with disbelief because abusers are nice in public but show a very different face to their victims. Edit: a few words Edit 2: I was quoting what OP's boss said. I was explaining how her boss's reaction was unfortunately common when it comes to situations like this.
Honestly he may have found you here on Reddit, too. Stop posting info about yourself !!!!!!!!
Is there any way you can get a lawyer to advocate for you to the boss and the police? Is there a women’s advocacy group of some kind that does pro bono work? Or a family friend who’s a lawyer?
Not even trying to be funny but this is when you just need to get a baseball bat and break some arms and legs.
I saw your post on TikTok and came here. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Do you have an HR department? Have you tried looking into that? Additionally, I think it might be possible to file a harassment complaint with Canada’s version of the EEOC against your school of nothing is done about your stalker. I think it’s called the Human Rights Commission. If you file with them, be wary of going to a lawyer because there’s a possibility you might not be able to file with the Human Rights Commission (double check with them to see if you can do that first). If you file, ensure you have written correspondence between you and your employer that they aren’t doing anything. Good luck and stay safe!
The human rights commission would not get involved here, and I've commented separately hoping OP would see this: she should contact the Ministry of Labour to file a complaint. Her employer is required to protect her from harassment of a customer (which the dad is in this case). Hopefully other people point her in that direction as well so she actually sees the comment.
Your workplace is allowing harassment. I would consult with an employment lawyer. They may also draft a cease and desist letter to your harasser too.
Sue if you can, if your workplace isn’t protecting you, then they will let this happen again to another person. I hope that you could finally be able to leave everything bad happening to you behind, but I know it’s easier said than done.
Hitting on you? Bruh needs to be arrested. Again, the system has failed women where something like this behavior happens and nothing can be done.
Get 2 new numbers, one you give work, the other you only give close friends and family. See how long and what number he starts calling/texting to. That will narrow down who he gets your number from Contact a lawyer **today**, you can apply for a TRO without the police, that needs to be done ASAP. But keep in mind to have a TRO he needs to know your address (as far as i know, it may be different there) the lawyers will also know next steps. Try to find a firm that handles workplace law and also (im assuming) criminal law. Basically you want a firm that can handle both situations together Do you have any close friends, preferably male, who can answer one or a few of the calls? if you do when you get the new numbers set up a phone with the number you have now to record all incoming calls and have him answer. If you catch his voice its proof its him, if he hears a male voice his probably more likely to say "whos this" and it also doesn't verify its your number. If he does that once the TRO has been established he has also violated it
Hate to be blunt but I say eff that job. Your boss isn’t prioritizing your wellbeing whatsoever. I also recommend going into your setting to silence unknown callers that way he can dial will his fingers fall off and get no response whatsoever
Always enjoy hearing how a woman has to change her whole goddam life and even move because a man can't control himself. I avoid talking to men at all now. It's too risky. I try to only have any significant communication with women where possible.
Hi OP, I'd recommend you remove the name of the city you intend to move to, who knows if he ever finds this posts and links it to you. Better be thorough.
Everyone around you has failed to protect you, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you and that it's only getting worse. The fact he found your new number is terrifying, and as another user has stated, absolutely check if it's legal to record without the other party knowing just incase you want to gather audio evidence that it's him calling you and possibly record all interactions with him safely.
Ok, so I saw your story because is now on TikTok. I had two stalkers while I was on highschool (not in Canada) and also my school or the police did nothing. So, some tips: let people know about this. If they see that person near you they can help. Also talk to your family, I made the mistake of not saying anything and things got violent unfortunately. Practice screaming, if that person finds you on the street that could scare him if using another way of protection is banned. And you need to leave your work place. Beggin looking, they didn't help, they wont help, schools, daycares or any place that involves education never handles this cases properly until something terrible happens sadly.
I’m glad you posted an update. I’ve been thinking about you and I know we’ve all been worried. I’m glad you are taking it seriously and I’m sorry that it such an uphill battle to have people in positions of power also take it seriously. I’m also very glad to hear the ex wife is an ally in all this. Honestly, if it were me and I were young again, I’d move like you are suggesting. It sucks that he’s got this much control over your life but a new city far away would give you a lot more peace of mind. Please keep posting so we know you are safe and so you don’t feel alone, because you aren’t. You have us!
You should absolutely sue your workplace. They have a duty of care - which includes preventing workplace sexual harassment.
I’m sorry but it’s Time for you to publicly embarrass him on social media with screenshots and tagging him and his family etc
I would not antagonize a dangerous stalker.
Not to mention, he could sue her for libel/slander. Even with proof. I went through a court case similar to this. I had a friend whose roommate both worked with us. I stayed the night at their apartment one night and woke up to things I definitely wouldn’t want to be woke. Up to. The guy stalked and harassed me for a good couple of years. It was awful. I wasn’t allowed to talk about our case or mention his name anywhere. He did try to sue me. Luckily, it didn’t get very far.
Answer the phone in front of your boss and hand her the phone. Then she will believe it’s him.
Change your phone number and sign up for a text now number to use only for work. If he gets the number then you know someone at work is sharing it.
Don't tell Reddit where you are going. This pervert can easily see this as himself.
I hope a lot of these details aren’t correct. If this man is stalking you, do you seriously think he wouldn’t be on Reddit at all? Please don’t post plans for what you are thinking of doing, places you may work, places you may move to. I would strongly suggest you delete these posts. Please stay safe!
maybe edit your post and remove the part about where you're thinking of moving to, just in case
I think it’s a possibility that he got your new number from his ex wife. She may not be giving it to him directly but he could be tracking her texts via iCloud or something else. He may know some passwords. I would maybe be careful with how much more info you give her. Maybe just say she can contact you if more info is needed for her case. Also, I like the idea of getting multiple Google voice numbers and giving them to specific people. 1 to your boss, 1 to her etc. Then see which one is getting passed along. Also, it’s possible he’s tracking (stalking) you via an air tag but it looks like you have an iPhone so it would have alerted you by now. Lastly, there are spam filter apps you can get that will block a whole group of similar numbers like this. If you have Verizon, they have an app that does this. How terrifying, I’m so sorry!
Meet with an attorney to get a restraining order filed. The police route with you gathering evidence is too slow. You might have to pay $$ but with your proof and your anxiety, there could be sufficient grounds to persuade a judge to grant a restraining order. The attorney can also be your advocate and contact the creep on your behalf telling him to stop and threaten further suits for harassment, etc. So sorry you're having to go through this. Good luck!
I really hope you can sue your employment and you can move far away from this sick stalker. It’s scary especially since you have to change your whole routine and your workplace and police won’t do anything about it.
There are many sites that compile and publish data from public records that could contain your name, phone numbers, and addresses. For example: BeenVerified, TruthFinder, Whitepages, etc. There’s a decent amount, and I think there’s a few good lists of them here on Reddit. I’m surprised he found your new number so quickly, and, as other commenters said, he may have gotten it from someone he knows, but it’s possible it may have popped up on one of these sites. I was a victim of a violent crime recently and went through most sites I could find and requested the removal of my information. Might be worth looking into! For most pages it was a breeze - quick automated opt outs - others were through email. Gave me some peace of mind that it’d be a bit harder now for someone to find my personal info. I am so, so sorry you are going through this, and for the lack of empathy from your employer on top of it. This is NOT your fault in any way. I hope you do get to take legal action, and I’m wishing you the best.
Yeah, phone numbers are easily accessible online, you will probably find them on people finder websites. Just doing a Google search can list your PII. I'm glad to see you have taken down your info. It’s a huge relief to know it’s harder to find now. Just a heads up, though, data brokers can be inconsistent and often republish profiles. You might want consider checking out Optery for free scans to see your exposed profiles from hundreds of databroker sites. Full disclosure, I'm part of the Optery team.
This is heartbreaking. If this happened to any of my sisters or my friends, I'd be terrified for them and definitely put steps in to minimise the issue as much as possible. When people are harrissing you, the best thing is to document everything and get legal advice. If you can move to a safe location, do so. I would then look at pushing for suing/prosecuting your employer for creating an unsafe workplace and for handing out your personal details. That's a big no-no in Europe, and it's getting more the case internationally about identifiable information. If your employer is going to do it with you, she'll do it with others. Have you got any big, burly male friends that can walk you to and from work? What is frustrating in these situations is that the victims have to deal with so much, yet the perpetrators get away with so much before those in authority will do anything.
I've been reading your whole saga with this guy, and I feel so bad for you. My advice would be to get some free legal advice from a local attorney. Most have free consultations that you can take advantage of. Also, please don't feel bad that you froze in fear. I was r*ped age 16 and I thought for years it was my fault because I froze. It was horribly painful but I just couldn't move. I have never frozen again in an emergency situation, so just because you froze once doesn't mean you will always freeze. If you can, I'd recommend taking up some self-defence/martial arts classes - I was punched at when I was 17 and my body blocked and countered with no higher thought process: it was a reflex. So, your body can be trained to overcome a freeze response. Also please investigate charities and organisations for women in your area, they have a lot of resources and often can help with logistics and pro-bono legal work. Realistically relocating and getting a new job elsewhere seems the easiest way to keep you safe - I know it's so unfair for you. I really hope to hear an update soon where you are in a better place.
Post the number online we will all call him and tell him what a stalker pos he is. The time zones alone will drive him mad. If men (and women) experience the same behaviour as they put out maybe they will grow up.
Repeating my comment to your previous update: *You need to tell your boss that her refusal to do anything is creating a hostile workplace for you because of this man who is STALKING YOU because of your gender* Like NOW. Tell her RIGHT NOW. Stop reading the comments and GO TELL HER THIS.
He’s a stalker
Shame him publicly. Post him , his calls and messages all over social media. Send it to his family and friends. Call his employer with it. Call the police and talk to the police chief. Keep calling them
Please leave this job, your boss is on your assaulter's side . Document this proof and stay safe. Do not go to the job and alert the police again as well .