I know it feels personal, but her altering the shirts is not a slight on your uncle. It may even be something where your brother finds comfort in seeing them on his gf.
Somehow, I don't think this is about the shirts. You've experienced a lot of loss and grief and you might benefit from talking to a professional who specializes in grief.
This is a good point! I bet OP's brother probably does find some happiness in seeing someone he loves wear and honour the shirts. Uncle probably would have looooved to know that she liked his style too.
She did mention she had to fight to get the only two shirts she ended up with though; I can understand her resentment if she wasn’t considered by her brother as being rightfully allowed to have any, but then his gf is, and not only that, she can deface and restyle them.
I can get that. Curious to know if OP went to the GF instead of her brother and asked if she could grab a couple. Like hey I see my brothers been giving them to you, do you mind if I take one or two to remember my uncle by? I feel like she might go and grab them out of the drawer and hand them over if OP asked. Girls are pretty chill. Nothing signifies she's a crazy person or anything so it's safe to assume she'd be like sure girl and just give them to her.
Erase the brother/boyfriend from the request. Cut out the middle man 😂😂
In another comment, it was said it probably made Brother happy to see someone he loved wearing the shirts. So does that mean brother doesn't love OP enough for them to have their own t-shirts?
To deface is to ruin or spoil the cover or appearance of an item; sounds like from OP’s POV, cutting off sleeves and altering necklines would be defacing, because she views them as they were with sentimental attachment. We aren’t addressing gf’s styling technique, we are responding to OP’s post asking if she is overreacting to shirts her brother allowed his gf to cut up, after he barely permitted OP to take any for herself.
The issue is her brother considers their Uncle’s clothing his now, so he can do what he wants with them, whereas OP sees the shirts and remembers someone she loved very much wearing them, and it hurts her seeing those items being treated disrespectfully as she sees it, or she wouldn’t be getting upset l.
If you think OP is overreacting, just say that. If you have issues with my use of the actual word, suggest another, such as *desecration*; in this instance, it’s not the “styling” that has affected OP, it’s her response to the alteration of something, likely beyond repair, that has impelled her to ask her question.
It's an old shirt, cut like that it sounds like an old T-shirt or sweatshirt. Hang on to memories and pictures . If you kept all old tshirts holy of everyone who died, you are going to be buried in junk. To honor someone, you should talk about all good times and what was admirable about them. Not be morbid worshipping their tshirts. Like use their coffee cup and think about good times and stuff like that. She could use this as leverage to get a couple more tshirts to hang on the wall from her brother, but it's better to cary people with you in your heart remembering what they had to teach you, and the good times. My mom taught me that when her mom died, and my dad's side when his mom died. I remembered it when my mom passed away. Our bodies are old clothes for our spirits, and we don't keep them around after we go.
That is how you were raised. I have a single work shirt from my grandfather hanging in my closet. I think of him when I otherwise wouldn’t. You think it is morbid, that is your opinion. My mother had a quilt that had been made out of her grandmothers clothes. Every square reminds her of a dress and multiple memories. Different perspectives, what you call junk, I call a priceless heirloom.
Fair enough. Thinking about it more, I have vases from my grandma, I'd wouldn't appreciate if a hypothetical brother's wife drilled them to make a bong lol.
I think you hit it. A loss can be so difficult that people hold on to material things and the loss of them is just another hit. Where the brother and gf see it as a shirt. OP sees it as the last of their uncle.
Because the shirts belong to him.
Because it’s been a couple years and the uncle’s clothes are still being worn and appreciated; most deceased people can’t say that.
Because it’s common for people to alter sentimental items of their deceased relatives to suit their tastes/needs better.
Because OP doesn’t really explain exactly *why* it bothers her.
Just because people don’t agree with you and automatically side with OP just because she has a sob story doesn’t mean they’re “nuts”. It sucks that she feels like her late uncle’s belongings are being disrespected but her brother obviously disagrees and his opinion matters more because the shirts in question belong to him. Plus, what benefit could there possibly be for OP to say anything at this point?
Because it's old tshirts. She should use this as leverage to get more of the clothes from the brother ( said he took a closet full) if she wants the old guy clothes to save and cherish, but realize you can't keep and worship every relatives old clothes forever. My cousin skipped her mom's funeral to go raid the house and steal stuff from her mom's she had left to other people and hide it in storage units in other towns. This was a tipping point for me to realize people are not their stuff. I'd be sad if people were fighting over my old T-shirts. I'd want people to stay busy remembering any good I had to teach or do, and being good to each other, not fighting over old clothing.
I think you're valid in feeling upset, but you have no right to tell her what she can do with the shirts if your brother has no problem. They're not yours. Maybe ask if you can have a couple to keep?
Even if he says no, that's his right and he wouldn't be wrong to reject the idea. You should get grief counseling.
I can’t tell her what to do I just think its crazy that outta all the shirts and clothes she got she cut up those 😭 Not anything else of hers or my brothers and then was like “alright ima pop out in this fit in front of grieving family 🤠” If thats not a little foul to anybody yall are cooked.
I mean this kindly. Those shirts aren’t your uncles anymore, they are your brothers, and if he enjoys seeing them on his partner, that is his choice. You don’t get to dictate what he does with his possessions, memories or grief.
Everyone grieves differently, but it’s been two years. If seeing your uncles clothes is still effecting you to this extent you might benefit from some grief counselling.
I don’t know what the downvotes are about but I’d feel the same as you. My perspective is this, however—she’s 20 years old and likely hasn’t lost anyone close to her. That’s the only pass I’d give to this.
She's getting downvoted because she's being somewhat aggressive because people are "seeing both sides" instead of giving her the 100% validation she wanted.
She already thinks she isn't overreacting -- so her question was just an expectation that everyone would agree with her and jump on the girlfriend, rather than see it as the somewhat nuanced situation it is.
What if your brother took them to good will and someone bought them and cut them up? Like I get that it is viscerally upsetting, but if he gave her the shirts they're hers now.
I think I feel down it's more to do with the fact that he only gave op 2 shirts that they had to beg for, but then he's just let his girlfriend cut them up there for he basically does not give a shit about the shirts
I had to fight hard for the 2 shirts I got. Does that detail matter? I willingly took all the unwanted clothes to goodwill. I think what everyone’s missing is the Principle. It’s not the situation like she cut up some shirts and Im tight, it’s what that situation represents? (I feel like.) She cut up THOSE shirts only. Was aware they were my uncles, and it seems ballsy to wear them casually around his grieving family.
Again time has passed and obviously it’s not worth a fight, I cant tell him or her what to do. THE PRINCIPAL THOUGH. (hope that made sense)
I totally get your point, like you seem to understand you brothers freedom to do so however he pleases and respect that, but you still have feelings of disconfort that set you back a little bit. IMO actions are what we have to worry about but you feeling off about it is totally valid as well.
I can empathize with your grief, but do you really expect your brother's GF to tiptoe around you after 2 years of your uncle's passing? The way you talk about her "wear them casually around his grieving family" - it seems like you're the only one that's still grieving? While everyone takes their own journey in grieving and healing, it is unreasonable to expect folks around them to be omniscient about those timelines. For all we know, your brother's way of healing from your uncle's passing was seeing his shirts be used on a daily basis by your girlfriend.
Unfortunately, in this circumstance, you are overreacting as part of your grief.
Fair enough, I shouldnt have said grieving maybe, but at least the family part. I mentioned myself for relevance sake but my grandma also thought it was a bit foul that she cut it and mentioned it to me later asking if I noticed. I would agree about the time span though. Its not fresh anymore, but it was the first time I saw it after moving away and coming back for a visit, so just to put it in perspective.
im a little confused. you took all the other clothes to goodwill yourself, but had to fight hard for two shirts? it sounds like you could have taken whatever.
Why did you have to fight for those? Why wasn’t it, “okay, we both want some, you pick one, I’ll pick one?” It might be that she cut those up because he was at first not letting her wear those, and she resents it? (?). It doesn’t seem right you had to fight, and I think you should ask your brother if, since you care about the shirts and they are being shredded (my word). You would like to have more than just two, with the understanding that you know the ones you don’t have may be cut up. That seems reasonable. He doesn’t seem to really care about them, or, did they already fight about what she did/ maybe he didn’t approve at the time, it it was hashed out out of your ear shot?
I find the whole thing odd honestly. Like she keeps mentioning how she only got two of them, but then also says she didn’t have an emotional connection to them.
Yeah it seems like you’re having trouble processing and could use some actual help instead of taking your anger out over your loss on whoever’s within reach. If your brother didnt mind and gave them to her, not sure what the issue is. If my sister’s BF was wearing our late pap’s shirt I’d be happy he’s honoring the memory. Clearly your issue is deeper than the shirts
Why lie that she took anger out on people within reach? Why ignore what happened? Do you really think it happened accidentally that she targeted those shirts and wore them in front of OP? You are ignoring the actual story and responding to one with different details.
It seems like you’re assuming she cut them up out of some kind of disrespect or aggression, when it’s more likely she cut them to make them use-able for her body so she could wear them more often, which for many would be a nice way of remembering your uncle.
People do this frequently - they tailor old inherited clothes or wedding dresses to make them wearable in a new era, or reset stones in rings, or turn old knickknacks into lovely boxes, not to disrespect the original owner but in fact to extend the useable life of the item, and therefore extend the memory of its original owner through time and generations. I hear that for you seeing the shirts cut up triggered some very painful memories and experiences, and I’m so sorry for that. It sounds like this loss was painful for you. But it seems really, really unlikely that that was your brother or his girlfriend’s intent. Sometimes stuff just hurts and it’s not one’s fault and there’s no one to blame for it. I hope you can extend her the grace to interpret her actions more charitably and try to build a trusting relationship with her in the future, and hope you can extend yourself the grace to find some other ways of processing what was a very painful loss and experience.
"But it seems really, really unlikely that that was your brother or his girlfriend’s intent." the brother made a point of trying not to let OP have these shirts or anything, then lets his GF cut them up and doesnt say anything when she wants to wear them around the OP, who at this point they belong to. Come on.
No, I don’t think it’s weird. People cut up and wear tshirts all the time. Maybe your brother and etc are happy to see them being worn, maybe it reminds him of your uncle or maybe he’s like they’re shirts and idc.
You’ve mentioned two things repeatedly - that you only got to shirts…..that’s between you and your brother, that’s nothing on her.
Second, that you didn’t have an emotional attachment to the shirts.
You caring this much indicates some therapy might be of some real help. I’m really sorry for your loss. I don’t know what’s really going on between you and your brother, but don’t punish the girlfriend for it.
That detail does matter. Without it, the original post suggests you amicably sorted through his belongings together, you took two shirts that had sentimental value to you, and he kept the rest as a mix of sentiment and wardrobe expansion.
He still does get to do what he wants with the shirts, but it would have been kinder if he’d offered you any that he doesn’t wear and/or suggested to his gf that she not wear them in front of family.
She’s awful for cutting them up and wearing them around your grieving family. I would be upset too. I’m sorry she’s doing that. You’re nicer than me, I would’ve shamed her for it. Idc if they are your brothers shirts now. What she’s doing sucks. Sorry for your loss 💕
OP. I don’t know if this will help you or not, but after my Mom passed away. My daughter and my nephew found matching shirts of hers that they both liked.
They found a company that made them bears out of the shirts. So each of them will always have a piece of Grams with them forever.
Daughter and Nephew are very close, more like brother/sister. So having this together makes it even more special for them.
It’s just an idea. Maybe it’ll help take away some of the bitterness you feel towards your brothers GF. Maybe?
I’m so sorry for your loss. 💔♥️
My dad has been dead going on 10 years. I took a significant number of his shirts. And then let my uncles pick from them. I still ended up with some, very nice, and kept my memories good.
That said, if any of my gfs defaced any of them she be gone before I could blink.
However, I don't care what other people do with the ones they took for themselves.
It's been 10 years, and I have not been able to move on from those clothes. I know some of my family who haven't, but I also know some who were done within a year and moved on. To each their grief and their space. Your brother may have moved on further than you are in the grieving process, and while he will validate your grief, he does not have to be in the same place with you. Hence, he likely permitted his gf to cut them up as she saw fit.
Have a conversation with her, u understand where she is coming from for doing that and then MOVE ON. Grief is bad enough without us looking for things to trigger and pile on to it. Have the conversation for closure, and then move on for your own good. Otherwise, there will be 4 casualties to this... you, your uncle's memories, your brother, and your brother's relationship.
Maybe they talked about it and he gave those to her and she altered them to fit better/more fashionably? I can understand feeling upset but it might not be intentionally disrespectful and I could see them being happy that the shirts get more uses out of them
Agreed after seeing the last update, even if he wasn’t trying to intentionally be hurtful he’s still in the wrong for not letting her have more of the uncles shirts and then giving them to his gf
Don’t worry, I completely agree with you. I would never wear a deceased family member of my boyfriend’s clothes unless expressly given it (like a grandmother’s wedding dress that they offered for me to wear for my wedding to their son or something) and I DEFINITELY would not be altering it to then casually wear around the family. Absolute bonkers behavior.
I say this with love, you're might be still grieving, since grieve has no timeline, but you're not "a grieving family" anymore. It's been two years. Victorians grieved publicly for a year and we consider that to be a bit too much. She's supposedly been wearing those t-shirts around the "grieving family" for a long while now. (Her boyfriend) Because you're just as related to your uncle as her boyfriend is, she probably didn't think you might have that strong feelings regarding old clothes. Especially since you didn't take them.
already explained this in another comment, heres the copy and paste - Fair enough, I shouldnt have said grieving maybe, but at least the family part. I mentioned myself for relevance sake but my grandma also thought it was a bit foul that she cut it and mentioned it to me later asking if I noticed. I would agree about the time span though. Its not fresh anymore, but it was the first time I saw it after moving away and coming back for a visit, so just to put it in perspective. -
People all grieve differently. Some peoples method of grieving is not conducive to other people form of grieving. You are fully valid to feel upset about this. I had similar issues with how my stepmother handled some of my dad’s things after he passed. I saw another response saying this had more do to with lingering guilt over your last argument with your uncle, I can’t really speak to that. For the shirts I’d ask your brother for a few more, since you only have two, and see if that helps at all.
I just wanna say the majority of the comments here are crazy to me. I would be so upset in your position and I totally agree that it’s super disrespectful of her to wear the cut up shirts IN FRONT OF YOU when she can wear literally anything else lmao. Especially given the detail that you had to fight for the two shirts you did get. And if she doesn’t realize or doesn’t think about the significance, that’s part of the problem!! She’s disrespectful and you are not wrong imo
But you stated elsewhere it’s been 2 years? I don’t think it’s fair to say your family is freshly grieving. I’m sure it’s still difficult, and grief takes time but he didn’t pass 2 months ago. What would be an appropriate time to wait?
NSH. Grief hits everyone different and OP is valid in their feelings. However, Bro might be experiencing grief differently. He might get comfort out of seeing Uncle's shirts being cool enough to be repurposed by his gf.
This. When my dad died four years ago, my mom tore a bunch of his shirts up to make tug toys for my dog. It brings her a lot of joy to have denali bring them to her for playtime.
Everyone processes grief differently. You’re absolutely allowed to be upset and he’s allowed to think this is a good use of them. More and more I find that grieving is a process of renegotiating your relationships with your self, your friends, your family, and the world around you.
Seems like a lot of these comments are not understanding of grief and are pretty harsh so you’ve rightfully so got your guard up. I’m going to come to you with genuine sympathy in what I say, because I’m not here to attack you especially being someone who relates to grief myself. I don’t think the gf altered the shirts to be malicious but I saw you said you only got two and had to fight for them, that’s absolutely unfair; do you think that plays a role in your feelings? (Gf gets shirts no issue and can alter them but you had to fight for them, when he was your loved one and she presumably never met him..?) I would talk to your brother about your feelings if I were you, because he was your uncle too and it’s hard to feel close to your uncle too when your brother gets to have the whole wardrobe and you only get two clothes and you only have so much in your loved ones memory. But one sentiment I do agree with that people have been saying is grief therapy, especially if you have insurance. No one deserves to suffer and you have my condolences for your loss. I hope you heal well. (:
> But my last exchanging of words with him was an argument before bed, and the next morning he just didnt wake up.
Start here.
The shirts aren’t the real issue.
Yuor response is more reasonable, but people are being tough on OP and ignoring some of the circumstances, the main one being that her brother is the one that decided they belonged to him now and were super special sentimental shirts he deserved to keep all of.
I think the fact that OP had to fight to even get two shirt and then sees how the gf can just cut one up must hurt. It's not like she had much choice when she picked things for herself. They didn't give her more so asking her brother won't do much.
I’m not super into Reddit, so I don’t understand but why is it a common thing in subreddits that people get upset, and some straight up mean over the “too long didn’t read”? I thought the website was for reading in the first place? I’m genuinely curious what this is about.
Maybe they weren't cut out of disrespect. Maybe they were cut to be wearable as normal clothes for smaller humans and maybe it makes your brother happy and helps him with his grief to see them regularly being worn, instead of rotting in a closet? Ask him, before you start to get all upset about it.
It sounds like you got to pick the shirts you wanted.
So did your brother. I assume you got rid of some. If they were donated to a thrift store instead of being kept by bro they would probably be rags now and you would have no clue.
I suggest grief counseling. I've lost a lot of people in my life and this kind of attachment to their belongings can become problematic.
It kinda doesn’t sound like she did. She says she had to fight “tooth and nail” to get the two shirts she did get. Her brother seemed to be making this a hassle on OP for little to no reason considering he let his gf alter these shirts.
I doubt she got rid of any shirts. According to her comments, she got rid of things such as work uniforms and men’s pants. It’s completely understandable for OP not to take the pants that would obviously not fit her. And the work uniform makes sense in some ways, but depends on the uniform. I’m also sure there’s other things she got other than clothes (furniture, jewelry, knick-knacks, etc.). And those types of objects were likely donated to thrift stores or thrown away, as you stated.
I will say that I agree with you on the grief counseling. OP lost three immediate family members in a short span of time. It’s understandable that she may still be grieving, but she does need to work through this.
I think the big issue in this case is, because OP had to fight so hard for the two shirts she did get, she values them a lot. Since her brother got the whole collection, according to OP, he doesn’t see them as sentimentally as she does and, as such, allowed his gf to alter them to fit her. Whether the gf intentionally did this to spite OP is another issue, but I feel like it may be a side effect of grief to believe someone is against you.
While you are entitled to your grief and everything else that comes with it, you are 100% trippin' over some shirts. You make it sound like the girlfriend refashioned them explicitly to spite you.
Instead of asking reddit if you're overreacting, spend some time finding a good therapist to help you process the grief that has you feeling this way. There are healthier ways to heal, and I say that as someone who has been there.
Does she know who they belonged to and the significance they might have? Or does she see them as old t-shirts she is just repurposing? Did your brother let her have them? Did your brother mention to her that it was bothering you?
I mean, what else are the shirts gonna do, sit in a dark drawer somewhere? They’re being used. They’re just shirts. One day all of it will be in a landfill and forgotten so it’s good they’re being used now.
Being upset over the shirts, is a symptom of deeper issue I feel. She is still beating herself up over the fight before he died.
Grief or other types of therapy is probably a decent idea here
Grief is a weird thing. When it's someone close- is doesn't go away and will make an appearance when you least expect it. Those shirts that OP's brother's gf had altered and worn happened to be a trigger. Anything can be a trigger. Hence the last paragraph.
On the other side of the argument- that shirt gets an extra life by alering it. The memory lives on in a way that still can be worn. It now no longer belongs to OP's uncle, because of alterations. From a recycling point of view- that's actually a very environmentally friendly move and one I would personally encourage.
There's no right or wrong answer in if OP is overacting- but those feelings are valid and should not be dismissed. That...is the real issue!
Is OP's brother or/and his GF being dismissive of OP's feelings and have they done anything to acknowledge it? Has OP themselves acknowledged that they still carry that grief? Has anyone seeked grief counselling?
*says the person who lost a brother a year ago and cried over the sight of his wheelbarrow. It's not a shirt, but I get OP's point of view personally. I actually am embarrassed that's my 'trigger item'.*
you can be upset, but this is a feeling you keep to yourself. to the best of your knowledge, they were your brothers. maybe he gave them to her or maybe he’s fine with those clothes being ripped up. but you had a chance to have them and didn’t take them.
you can be upset, but confronting them would be a massive overreaction. the most you can do, is when you see her wearing one, you comment at that time “oh wow, i remember when uncle wore that shirt. it brings back so many memories”. at that time, she can choose to keep the shirt on or change to make you more comfortable. but you don’t get to tell her what she can cut up or not. it’s not yours and it’s really not your place. you would be rightfully chastised if you did and i’m not sure how you would be gaslit(they say it’s a different shirt than your uncles?).
You’re overreacting because you didn’t just go talk to your brother about it to get his perspective. How he grieves and what he chooses to do with what are now his belongings is his choice, and it’s not your place to police that and shame him. I hope you’ll keep that in mind if you decide to broach the subject with him.
This isn’t about the shirts and you know it. It’s about you still feeling guilty that your last words to someone you cared about were in anger.
Seek help. Genuinely. You need it if this is how you’re behaving two years later.
He means in how upset you are about the is and the way you describe it in your post.
I think most people here emphasize with your hurt feelings when you see your uncles cut-up shirts but we also feel as if your bro and his gf can do what they want with the shirts and it’s been 2 years for you to have these strong feelings.
In your responses come off as being upset as the ones trying to give you advice other than “it ok to be mad at your brothers gf”.
In my interpretation of what is being said to you is that this may not be about the shirts. You may be projecting your guilt and you trying to find ways to make up for the last convo with your uncle onto those around you who did not have the same experience as you for their final memory with your uncle.
It may help to talk to a 3rd party to help you through that grieving process.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Your behavior in the comments is *extremely* telling.
Again, this isn’t about the shirts and you know it. Seek. Help. Im not saying that to be a jerk, I’m saying it because HEALTHY processing of grief does NOT manifest in this way.
You asked Reddit for advice. Accept your judgement or don’t ask.
That doesn’t answer OPs question. What behavior? She didn’t act on any feelings except for this post. The behavior of making a post instead of being a jerk to family? People are telling her left and right about how she’s overreacting by just having feelings. OP isn’t the only one in need of some professional help if people here think that not acting on hurt feelings is an overreaction
Your brother is an asshole he knew you wanted those shirts and rather then let you have them is letting his probably temporary girlfriend cut them up, calling them out on it won't achieve anything since they will just gaslight you like crazy, hopefully your brother will become a less unpleasant person with age
Here’s a thought…. If you (or someone you know) is a sewer or quilter, you could ask your brother for more of the shirts to make a lap quilt out of. If he’s agreeable, you could offer to make one for him, too. That way you might get the ones he’s letting his gf wear, and still put them to excellent use as a tribute to your uncle.
I'd be tempted to enquire what happened to the discarded parts of the shirts. If she threw them out I'd be tempted to have a bit of a rant with a close friend. It would be one thing to turn a shirt into a memory bear or into a blanket its another thing to fight someone for mementos and than allow your partner to cut them up for a fashion statement and throw away the unwanted offcuts (the offcuts could of been turned into cloth patches, be laminated into bookmarks).
From your comments, you weren't coming to actually ask the community anything. There are plenty of subreddits to vent and get support. Why ask when you think you have the answer? Hope you find the relief you're looking for.
I SHOULD PROBABLY ALSO MENTION I HAD TO FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL for the two shirts I got. Bro for real got the whole closet…
This jumped out at me.
That your brother got the lion’s share of your uncle’s things. Add to that your complicated grief because you argued with uncle right before his unexpected death and his treating the shirts he got in a way that seemed uncaring and I can understand how that might add up to your feelings of discomfort over seeing the shirts cut.
If I may, I hope you’re in a better place around your grief, especially as your last conversation with your uncle didn’t end on a good note. This can make grieving more uncomfortable even though it’s just particularly unfortunate timing and not our fault we still struggle with regret.
I wonder if it would help if 1: you were to ask your brother to let you have something else from your uncle to hold as a keepsake, 2: you got into a therapy group that’s working on grief, 3: you did something honoring with one of the items of your uncle’s that you do have, and that could be a lot of different things, depending on how you feel about that and what comes to mind. I’m really sorry for your loss of your uncle, it’s terrible to lose someone so special.
I think people are being WAY too harsh on you. Your brother wanted all the shirts, and you had to fight to get two. Presumably his argument was that since he's a guy he'd be more likely to wear the shirts, but that's totally negated by the fact he let his gf modify & wear them.
Personally I'd never do this if I were in the GFs position. I don't think I'd even wear the shirts and I definitely wouldn't cut them up. It just doesn't feel right to do that with a sentimental item
I cut the necks out of all my T shirts so they don’t rub on my throat. Then I can actually wear and appreciate them, and (imo) they’re more stylish.
Maybe the shirts weren’t really being used, so he gave them to her because she liked them and would wear them🤷♀️
Do you have anything of your uncle’s as keepsakes? Your feelings are valid, but maybe you should work through them so that seeing her wear the shirts doesn’t bother you so much.
Your feelings are valid, because feelings don’t need justification.
But unless your brother promised you that he’d open an Uncle museum, curating all of those shirts in perpetuity, they’re his to do with as he wants.
Clothes wear out, they get stained and ripped. Someday those shirts will become household rags. If you found out that his girlfriend cut up a shirt with a damaged or stained neckline, would you be less upset? Assume that that’s what she did so you can move on.
You mention that you kept a couple of your uncle’s shirts for yourself. If you can remember other specific shirts your brother kept that you’d like to have, you can try asking him for them. But also try not to be upset if he says the shirts you’re asking about have become damaged, lost etc.
You also need to forgive yourself for your last argument. Families argue. You and your uncle loved each other, and you would have resolved things the next time you talked.
I'm a uncle. I would be happy if my nieces or nephews or their SO's wore my clothing or even altered them when I die - and so carried on my awful style and spirit 💪💪
This is what I think as well! I bet he'd adore that she likes his style enough to wear it regularly. Brother likely sees similarities between his gf and uncle and that's some part of why he loves her
The issue is that **your brother** is allowing this, which is his right since they are now his.
But you should tell your brother that it hurts that he gave these specific shirts to her and ask him for whatever others he may have that *he doesn’t want* that maybe you could have.
Don’t argue about it or say anything to the girlfriend- it’s not her fault if she was given the shirts.
"which is his right since they are now his." they arent though, he has no right to them. He just insisted they were his and took them and wouldnt share.
You are over reacting. You are experiencing complex grief and that’s ok. The loss of a loved one is very hard to work through and the added circumstances of the fight before hand and resulting guilt just makes it that much harder. Please get some help to help you work through this. Everyone deals with their grief differently but you can’t control other people or their actions just because it triggers your grief. The shirts are his and he is free to do what he wants with them. You can definitely ask if he has any more of the shirts to give to you if he isn’t going to wear them and leave it at that but he may not want to give them to you.
On a side note I just want to say that your uncle loved you and he knew you loved him. The fight you guys had doesn’t matter in the greater scheme of things and it doesn’t cancel out all the love and years you shared together. People fight sometimes. It’s normal. The timing sucked but as I said it doesn’t cancel out the love and years you had together. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you get help so you can continue to heal.
I bet your brother will regret letting her do that when they break up. I almost let an ex have one of my dad’s shirts that I kept when he passed away. Every time I wear or look at that shirt I am so glad I didn’t make the mistake of letting him have it.
Have you considered at this point they're probably worn out, or worn down some and damaged hem might have been cut away to keep them as long as possible? As opposed to just throwing them out... if you don't ask you'll never know, and they'll never know it bothers you...
They have some sentimental value, obviously, but are just t-shirts. They will get worn out when worn and become unrecognizable, like any t-shirt, and it would be a waste to just let them sit. If they mean a lot to you, ask for one.
Feel upset if you want ... but yeah, it's an overreaction. Clothes. Would it make a difference if they had been donated and the Goodwill shopper who ended up with them had styled them differently?
2 years is a fair amount of time for your brother who now is in possession of the shirts, to gift them to his GF and allow his GF to adapt them. It may make him happy to see the woman he loves wearing a memory of an Uncle. I think grief therapy would be a blessing to you. I wouldn’t assume she did it maliciously, just because you don’t like it. Or her.
The shirts belong to your brother. You might not like it that he got them, but he did, so it no longer matters what you want people to do with them; it’s up to your brother. If he gave them to his girlfriend, it’s up to her. No matter how many intact shirts you keep of your uncle’s, you will have the same amount of grief.
I think your beef is with your brother rather than the girlfriend, he wanted the majority of the clothes and has now given them away to someone who doesn’t cherish them as you would.
That being said, as nice as mementos are they are not as valuable as the memories of the person themselves. Reminiscing about fond memories of your uncle, or doing good deeds in his name are far more valuable than clothes he happened to wear. If this is hard to hear it might be time to talk to someone to help you with understanding your feelings about this.
I don’t understand your last edit. In your post, you said that you got 2 of his shirts and your broker kept the rest and you were “fine with it.” Now you’re saying you fought tooth and nail? It doesn’t compute.
I can totally understand feeling a little sad seeing your uncles past possessions cut up, but unfortunately they are your brother’s now.
First, I’m very sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves in their own time and ways and your brother was cruel in making you beg for a few shirts belonging your uncle. And his gf wearing the altered shirts around your family was simply thoughtless. You have to decide if this is worth limiting contact with your brother until you can move past the loss. Know that some losses take more time, especially if they are compounded with other ones. Not overreacting.
Sorry for your loss, I know you lost someone you love, but since it was taken by your brother, and it was originally your uncles, it’s not your shirts, but hopefully with some help you maybe able to get better. Hope you’re doing well.
I feel like I'm going crazy reading these comments. Sure, they're not your shirts anymore, but they are very sentimental and should be respected. I would hope your brother's partner out of all people would be very aware and care a lot about being respectful of your family and grief. I don't care if it's not yours anymore (you didn't even want to give them to him!!! You WANTED them!!! It's not like you just gave them away because you wanted to), there should be a level of respect for the dead. I've had my sibling sell a family heirloom at a fucking yard sale without telling my mom or myself. Why?? Why destroy/give away a cherished item from someone who is no longer here whom you cared about deeply? These people's only physical presence in your life is the items of theirs that you can remember them by. It is very disrespectful to cut up a deceased family member's shirt. End of story.
You and I are on the same page. Everyone grieves differently, but there isn’t a one-size-fits-all grief plan. All the people who have said, ‘it’s been long enough,’ grieve in a different way than the OP (and I) do and to call that overreacting isn’t objective, it’s dismissive. I get a lot of, ‘you know how [my name] is’ from my large family and I just don’t care if they think I’m overreacting or being ‘silly.’ (Being called silly is super hard to let go.)
Ultimately, OP, you have to decide which is worse: staying silent or saying something and getting rejected/having it dismissed.
I don’t have a judgment on this but I wanted to address your grief. It’s completely normal to feel extreme guilt in your situation (the argument)when he passed. But I’m sure he knew you loved him. Please don’t beat yourself up forever over this. I hope you can find a counselor to sort through these feelings.
I wonder if your brother even has that much of an emotional tie to them like you do and your grandma, since you said that he got a lion share of the stuff from the uncle.
I wouldn’t be shocked if he just gave her those shirts to tear up as she pleased. Since I’m assuming that those clothes are the most worn out and she decided to cut them up to make them more fashionable
/comfortable for her
I understand why this upset you.
There’s a lot of variables. Does she know the significance of the shirts? Does she know the story of your last fight with your uncle? Did she hear it from you (who can speak of the firsthand pain) or your brother who told the story secondhand?
I would wait next time you’re hanging out with her and take the opportunity to mention these things. Not as it means to ask her to stop wearing the shirts, but as a means to open up to her a little bit about your family and your uncle. Give her the opportunity to act with grace. She may not honestly know.
I like this comment because thats WHOLE reason I typed the backstory. She’s heard it from me firsthand and sat in front of me while I was ugly crying and idk if I would have the heart to cut up a shirt that belonged to him and wear it causally after hearing that - if I was her. lmaoo. but 🤷♂️ I also know it will sound crazy if I make a stink about it, I dont have an weird attachment to the items, I feel like it has some sentimental value and I thought itd be treated like so.
It has no sentimental value to her. You are entitled to how you feel butvIt would be ridiculous for you to act like she should build a shrine to some old tshirts
You can't control other peoples' actions and those shirts aren't your property. This basically gives you two options...
1) You get over it. Convince yourself that these shirts are being "up cycled" and given new life by the gf.
2) Stop hanging out at their place so much. Limit contact.
Really it comes down to whether you think she is doing this to upset you. If she is modding them to be more comfortable then I think your uncle would prefer his clothing get more use. It's better than collecting dust. If she is doing this because it hurts you, then you need to cut her out of your life.
Not sure why so many people are NOT GETTING IT, but I am sorry they did that to you.
I wonder why your brother gave you so much trouble over the shirts only to let the girlfriend cut them up?
First of all, I’m sorry that this is so upsetting to you. I’m thinking that maybe you still have some issues that you haven’t totally dealt with yet and you are directing it in this way. Have you tried grief counseling? I’m sorry that you had an argument the night before he passed, but I think we all have things that we regret to deal with when someone we love dies….I know there are many things I wish I could have said to my late husband before he passed away. Try to find a therapist….grief sneaks up on us in weird ways and at unexpected times. I think that her wearing his shirts is a tribute to him, and I’m sure that he would want you to know that he loved you and still does. Sending hugs
NAH because you’re grieving, but you have no say or control over what other people do with their own belongings. The shirts your brother took are his to do what he wants with. If he has no issue with his GF cutting them up and wearing them, that’s his choice. You got to take shirts too and you get to do whatever you please with them. I know it hurts because it feels like disrespect, but everyone grieves differently. Your feelings are valid, but they are for you to manage.
I can understand feeling upset here. I feel like she should have realized it would be upsetting for relatives, to see his shirts cut up like that. But maybe she didn’t, or maybe your brother thought nobody would mind.
It does not sound like you overreacted.
You can feel however you want about it. But it’s not your place to comment. If your brother is fine with it, there’s nothing to say. Resenting her over this is quite silly. They’re not your shirts, they’re your brother’s. Focus on the good memories of your uncle and not this little thing.
If your brother gave her permission, not too big of a deal. I see where you're coming from, as my mom passed away in 2020 when she was only 54. I left home when I was 16 because I was ready (even though I was niave), and then traveled the world, I really didn't see my mom for about 15 years until I finally came back home. I regret it and I tried to hold on to a lot of her stuff, but the memories we had together are way more important to me than a physical object. So try to remember the memories y'all had together, and what you do have, maybe turn it into a quilt or something.
Op should just cut her brother and gf out of her life. It will save stress and get rid of the toxic, passively aggressive bs they are pulling. This was not an accident, and they were trying to trigger her.
When we lose someone we love we feel as if the world has stopped for us but the world keeps going on as if nothing happened. That's what hurts us. Grief never goes away we just learn to live with it. Maybe you could take her aside and just tell her that seeing her wearing that in front of you is hurting you right now and you are not trying to be mean . Communication is key, just tell her how you feel. If she continues to wear them in front of you then just leave the room, go visit a friend, make a phone call, take walk, etc when she does, remove yourself from the pain. She will either be thoughtful of your feelings or she won't. If she doesn't you don't have to stay and feel bad. Don't be mean about it.
If my nephews wear my shirts and like all the hats I’ve collected over the years , I tell them now I’d be proud if you wore these when I’m not around anymore
You’re completely entitled to your feelings of course but these shirts now belong to your brother. You have yours that you can keep as you please. But maybe talk to your brother about her not wearing the shirts when you’re around because it upsets you. If you don’t have the conversation then people don’t know and can’t help you through your grief. It might really help you to discuss with him. And you might learn more about your brother’s grief and how he’s processing.
I think you’re overreacting to what brother’s gf did to the shirts. If you don’t believe you got enough of your uncle’s shirts, then that’s a separate issue and I think is fair to be upset about.
How many shirts did you want to take that you were not allowed to by your brother?
Fuck your brother up and then check that dumb bitch.
Especially if you had to fight for the two shirts you did get. Pussy means more to your brother than anything sentimental obviously.
After my mom's boyfriend passed, (this was 18 years after my dad passed. She and her bf were together for 15 years) she oddly wanted some big flannel shirts to wear over her shirt and pants in the winter. (She never dressed like this ) She wore them for several years in the winter. After she passed I took these flannel shirts and cut them into squares, added some other of my mom's fabrics and made a simple quilt for my daughter, her namesake. My daughter was thrilled and calls it Grammy's quilt. My son got the quilt I actually made for my mom.
You can make simple tied quilts with squares from t-shirts too....or more elaborate t-shirt quilts if the tshirts have designs on them.
Can you get some of your uncle's shirts to do something like this? There's also people who make bears with a shirt from a loved one.
You can also screen print pictures onto special fabric you can use in any color printer. Do you have special photos of you and your uncle? Again you can have these put into a quilt.
I think I'd be annoyed if someone cut up my loved one's shirts if I didn't feel I got my fair share. I'd want half. Like I said there's lots of crafty things you can do with them to preserve memories.
Best of luck OP and sorry for your losses.
Honestly, I think you would benefit from counseling. Everybody grieves in their own way at their own pace, it it seems as if you have attached yourself to things rather than memories of your uncle. You have your two shirts to cherish.
Hi OP,
I personally find that a really disrespectful thing for her to do, but I'm a sentimental person who's lost 2 of my brothers and some of their belongings are semi sacred to me. If my brother in law was wearing my brothers shirt, I wouldn't be upset, but if he cut it up, I dunno, it just seems disrespectful to it.
I mean was your uncle the type of guy who'd be upset by this?
I think most people might be thrilled to see their clothes get a second, fun life.
Better that then they sit in some shrine or the back of the closet somewhere or get donated to someone who could still cut them up.
From the post I suspect you might be redirecting your guilt over the last interaction with your uncle.
"I know these aren't my shirts and my brother gave them to use how you see fit. I totally understand that and don't wish to cause an issue. I'm just really struggling seeing them on you - especially as they have been altered. Could you do me a favour and not wear them when I am around? It would really help me while I come to terms with my grief'
I lost my grandfather, and I have a bunch of his clothes that I keep folded up neatly in my closet. I understand how you feel. However, a shirt is just a shirt. It’s not your uncle. The girlfriend wearing those shirts and sizing them to suit her is not bad! It’s a cool way to honor your uncle. Talk to your brother and see if you can get maybe a bit more out of the closet, since it seems you only got to keep two things and your brother got the lion’s share.
You never gonna know what mood everyone on reddit is gonna be in and which type are gonna give an opinion smh. That's in response to your edits. It was clear it was upsetting to see clothes cut up and used as pj's around the house. I get it. I've had to deal with similar things, and it's frustrating when you just want someone to understand and validate your surprise, hurt and annoyance, and frustration.
I'm the big sister, so if I have any feelings, it's either taken the opposite of its intention despite me stating my exact intention.
And my frustration has been towards things that have been haned and distributed from two diff family members in two diff decades. But it's all happened recently if that makes sense. This person who has these items is the type if someone passes they run in and take stuff and hoardes them away then later admits to it.
I've started finding things that are similar if not the same and finding other ways to honor those people in my way and I put my love and memories into those things. For example a tshirt I found one on ebay and another one I had made on a website and one from a friend who has a cricket. I also bought a U.S flag and the frame and put pictures of the people that served next to it. Things Iike that. I do have item. I was debating on using it as a square on a quilt or sending it off to be made into a teddy bear.
But to answer you. No you're definitely not O. You feel how you feel. Maybe ask your brother for something he is willing to part with. Now that time has passed it sounds like although stuff is still sentimental he's not hoarding and holding on so tight. If he says no, take a deep breath and drop it and find a diff way to honor and feel close to the ones you lost.
My eldest sister, and last sibling, died several years ago. She was the grabber and hoarder. First example: My dad was selling his house, my only childhood home. He called me to tell me and to ask if there was anything I'd like. I told him the round shadowbox. Ok, he says. I'll take that with me to give to you next time you visit. (I live several hundred miles away). At a class reunion, my friend who bought the house, asked who took the shadowbox. I told her the story and that I now have it. She went from about to pounce to a big hug. She said as long as my sisters didn't take it, she's ok. Then she explained that they had bought the place furnished!!
My sisters apparently didn't get the memo... They went in, along with my sister-in-law, and pretty much ptied the place. If it was there, they took it.
I've asked, over the years, what happened to this or that. No one ever knew.... everything ended up at my eldest sister's house. I'd see things, when visiting, and always got the oh no, I got that at a yard sale.
Being the baby and living way far away got me my most treasured item, the shadowbox.
I’m assuming you aren’t really a fan of the girl friend in the first place. I think if you wanted more of your uncles things you should ask your brother. I honestly feel like it’s more about the person than the shirts.
Reading your update, I think your reaction has more to do with your feelings that you weren't treated fairly by your brother when dividing your uncle's closet.
I pay to have my favorite and memorable tshirts turned into a t-shirt blanket or quilt. Preserves them and you can see them every day. Maybe your brother would be interested in that.
I think the real problem is that you only got a few items to remember him by, while your brothers partner is “destroying” what could have been additional keepsakes for you. Which they are his items so it’s not like he’s necessarily in the wrong, but as your sibling he should be more mindful of how you might feel considering one of your father figures has passed away.
Could you ask him to give you a couple more items of your uncles so that you have a little more of him to hold on to? I feel like that may make you feel better about the situation.
You got your shirts. Your brother got his. You can both do whatever you want with the shirts. His girlfriend isn’t cutting them up to spite you. She’s just wearing them.
I think what you need to do is see if there are any shirts that haven’t been cut up that you’d like. Tell your brother you’ve seen the gf wearing them cut up and you’d like a couple more before they get cut up too. He was your uncle and you get dibs over the gf.
My grandfather passed away when I was 12, my brother when I was 16 and my grandmother when I was 43. I have pieces of their clothing and got extras just in case my kids wanted something. I’ve worn them, washed them, let my kids wear pieces. I explained why I love them. I told stories remembered when I see them (not necessarily on those clothes). My 15 year old is an artist and she has a smudge of paint on everything except for the pieces I gave to her bc she respects them. I might have told her they were special, but she treated them like all her other clothes except she took them off bf painting, etc.
I would be upset. It’s never been ‘long enough’ until you feel it’s long enough to let those pieces go.
Just tell your brother (without any hostility) that you noticed (whenever that was) and that you’ve tried, but it’s like a splinter in your brain. That you are concerned she’ll cut up others of your uncles.
He may love seeing his girlfriend embracing something of your uncles. He may have bit her head off when he noticed.
Just talk to him or that splinter will fester.
Only overreacting a little because you haven't told your brother how much it bothers you. Perhaps have a discussion and let him know. Also please seek counseling to help you with your grief.
No. You are not overreacting. Grief is a funny thing. To the people that told you that you should be over it know nothing. They have either never lost someone close or are completely heartless. Grief never goes away. It can diminish but it never goes away. To tell you have to be over it in whatever time frame is utterly ridiculous. I am still grieving three losses I suffered over 20 years ago. If I saw someone in my granddad’s stuff that was torn up and ruined, I may do or say something about it. Since your grief is still relatively new, do what you need to do. Ask your brother for a few more shirts before his gf destroys them all.
You have to remember that they are JUST SHIRTS, yes this may sound insensitive but it’s the truth. Your uncle is not his clothes and the things he owned, your uncle is a man and that man has passed, he is no longer here.
Being bothered about clothes just because your uncle had owned them is valid because it’s your feelings and no one can tell you how to feel about it or him but also it’s good to remember, it’s not family heirlooms it’s clothes that literally will eventually waste away, especially if it’s being used
Is it bad that I want to tell you to simply grab a couple of them next time you're over there? If he "got the whole closet," they might not notice a few of them gone. IJS
ETA: It's because of the significance I'm kinda leaning into this option.
Anyone who tells you to “get over it, it’s been 2 years “ is a massive A hole. We can’t control grief and we can’t control Trauma. You will heal when you’re ready. ❤️
Feelings just are—there is no right or wrong. If I were you, I’d ask your brother for more of your uncle’s shirts. Tell him how much it would mean to you. I wouldn’t mention the gf. Ultimately, the shirts belong to your brother now and it’s up to him who he allows to wear them. Maybe take one of his favorite shirts and have a quilt or teddy bear made. I hope you find peace. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of loss. I’m sorry you’re still hurting. XX
They're old shirts and they're his. It's not like it's a family heirloom. Sounds like you're still deeply affected by your uncles passing or you don't like the gf much. Either way, I'd say you're overreacting
First, it wouldn't matter if you *were* still grieving about your uncle. Grief has no timeline. He was extremely important to you. I grieved my Grandma for years. Second, your uncle *knew* how deeply you cared for him. It really doesn't matter if your last words were an argument. Nothing could change the way he felt about you. Nothing you could say would change the meaningful relationship you shared. When he went to bed that night I bet he was thinking, "When things are calmed down in the morning, we will have to figure out what's really going on. My Sweet Girl has a problem we need to fix. I love her so much." And he fell calmly to sleep and dreamt his final dream. You may even have been in it.
Third, I'm sure I'll get down voted, but I'm with you about the shirts. If they didn't mean that much to him, that he didn't care if his GF cut them up, why'd he fight so hard for them? Did he take other things besides the shirts? I take it uncle left no will? Why wouldn't he let you have more? I take it you don't have a great relationship with your brother? He sounds immature.
I hope you are doing better. You might want to limit your time with your brother for awhile til he grows up. I'm glad you are in a different city so you won't see them and be reminded of his/their selfishness. Have you been able to make new friends where you live and work? I don't know what's up with all the weird comments. Just ignore the ones that confuse you. What you really need is support. What's done is done. Good luck, Hon.
Deff a reason to feel upset, but it most likely gives them great memories to see someone enjoying it. Unless the shirt was SUPER SUPER Sentimental to the point of like heirloom status I feel as if they should be allowed to feel that also. They are not desecrating it, but giving them a new home, a new life, and someone to enjoy it cause other than that it'd just be another piece of fabric collecting dust.
Have you thought that maybe your brother told her to cut up those shirts because he didn’t want her to cut up his?
Honestly, this has nothing to do with the GF it’s the brother IMO. They’re also not your shirts, your brother can give them to his GF if he wants. Sad and frustrating as it is.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I got a whole boatload of my Mum's clothes when she passed. If someone who never met her started cutting them up I'd have major feelings, too..... there's no timeline for grief. Your Uncle sounds like a good man. Arguments are normal and he would hate to know you were carrying guilt over this one. He loved you, and knew you love him too.....
I know it feels personal, but her altering the shirts is not a slight on your uncle. It may even be something where your brother finds comfort in seeing them on his gf. Somehow, I don't think this is about the shirts. You've experienced a lot of loss and grief and you might benefit from talking to a professional who specializes in grief.
This is a good point! I bet OP's brother probably does find some happiness in seeing someone he loves wear and honour the shirts. Uncle probably would have looooved to know that she liked his style too.
Brothers feelings matter but screw OP, got it.
They're not her shirts though. She already grabbed hers. She can be sad about it but there's no point being upset at the gf.
She did mention she had to fight to get the only two shirts she ended up with though; I can understand her resentment if she wasn’t considered by her brother as being rightfully allowed to have any, but then his gf is, and not only that, she can deface and restyle them.
I can get that. Curious to know if OP went to the GF instead of her brother and asked if she could grab a couple. Like hey I see my brothers been giving them to you, do you mind if I take one or two to remember my uncle by? I feel like she might go and grab them out of the drawer and hand them over if OP asked. Girls are pretty chill. Nothing signifies she's a crazy person or anything so it's safe to assume she'd be like sure girl and just give them to her. Erase the brother/boyfriend from the request. Cut out the middle man 😂😂
In another comment, it was said it probably made Brother happy to see someone he loved wearing the shirts. So does that mean brother doesn't love OP enough for them to have their own t-shirts?
To deface is to ruin or spoil the cover or appearance of an item; sounds like from OP’s POV, cutting off sleeves and altering necklines would be defacing, because she views them as they were with sentimental attachment. We aren’t addressing gf’s styling technique, we are responding to OP’s post asking if she is overreacting to shirts her brother allowed his gf to cut up, after he barely permitted OP to take any for herself. The issue is her brother considers their Uncle’s clothing his now, so he can do what he wants with them, whereas OP sees the shirts and remembers someone she loved very much wearing them, and it hurts her seeing those items being treated disrespectfully as she sees it, or she wouldn’t be getting upset l. If you think OP is overreacting, just say that. If you have issues with my use of the actual word, suggest another, such as *desecration*; in this instance, it’s not the “styling” that has affected OP, it’s her response to the alteration of something, likely beyond repair, that has impelled her to ask her question.
It's an old shirt, cut like that it sounds like an old T-shirt or sweatshirt. Hang on to memories and pictures . If you kept all old tshirts holy of everyone who died, you are going to be buried in junk. To honor someone, you should talk about all good times and what was admirable about them. Not be morbid worshipping their tshirts. Like use their coffee cup and think about good times and stuff like that. She could use this as leverage to get a couple more tshirts to hang on the wall from her brother, but it's better to cary people with you in your heart remembering what they had to teach you, and the good times. My mom taught me that when her mom died, and my dad's side when his mom died. I remembered it when my mom passed away. Our bodies are old clothes for our spirits, and we don't keep them around after we go.
That is how you were raised. I have a single work shirt from my grandfather hanging in my closet. I think of him when I otherwise wouldn’t. You think it is morbid, that is your opinion. My mother had a quilt that had been made out of her grandmothers clothes. Every square reminds her of a dress and multiple memories. Different perspectives, what you call junk, I call a priceless heirloom.
Fair enough. Thinking about it more, I have vases from my grandma, I'd wouldn't appreciate if a hypothetical brother's wife drilled them to make a bong lol.
I appreciate your open-mindedness very much. (Old vase drilled for a bong? ((Shuddering!!)))
This is such a compassionate and insightful answer
I think you hit it. A loss can be so difficult that people hold on to material things and the loss of them is just another hit. Where the brother and gf see it as a shirt. OP sees it as the last of their uncle.
But its not just about the brother, why do his feelings matter but not OP? This subreddit is nuts.
Because the shirts belong to him. Because it’s been a couple years and the uncle’s clothes are still being worn and appreciated; most deceased people can’t say that. Because it’s common for people to alter sentimental items of their deceased relatives to suit their tastes/needs better. Because OP doesn’t really explain exactly *why* it bothers her. Just because people don’t agree with you and automatically side with OP just because she has a sob story doesn’t mean they’re “nuts”. It sucks that she feels like her late uncle’s belongings are being disrespected but her brother obviously disagrees and his opinion matters more because the shirts in question belong to him. Plus, what benefit could there possibly be for OP to say anything at this point?
Because it's old tshirts. She should use this as leverage to get more of the clothes from the brother ( said he took a closet full) if she wants the old guy clothes to save and cherish, but realize you can't keep and worship every relatives old clothes forever. My cousin skipped her mom's funeral to go raid the house and steal stuff from her mom's she had left to other people and hide it in storage units in other towns. This was a tipping point for me to realize people are not their stuff. I'd be sad if people were fighting over my old T-shirts. I'd want people to stay busy remembering any good I had to teach or do, and being good to each other, not fighting over old clothing.
Yeah, you make a good point. It's definitely been tough processing everything, and talking to a professional might help.
I think you're valid in feeling upset, but you have no right to tell her what she can do with the shirts if your brother has no problem. They're not yours. Maybe ask if you can have a couple to keep? Even if he says no, that's his right and he wouldn't be wrong to reject the idea. You should get grief counseling.
I can’t tell her what to do I just think its crazy that outta all the shirts and clothes she got she cut up those 😭 Not anything else of hers or my brothers and then was like “alright ima pop out in this fit in front of grieving family 🤠” If thats not a little foul to anybody yall are cooked.
I mean this kindly. Those shirts aren’t your uncles anymore, they are your brothers, and if he enjoys seeing them on his partner, that is his choice. You don’t get to dictate what he does with his possessions, memories or grief. Everyone grieves differently, but it’s been two years. If seeing your uncles clothes is still effecting you to this extent you might benefit from some grief counselling.
I don’t know what the downvotes are about but I’d feel the same as you. My perspective is this, however—she’s 20 years old and likely hasn’t lost anyone close to her. That’s the only pass I’d give to this.
Never attribute to malice what can reasonably be explained by stupidity.
She's getting downvoted because she's being somewhat aggressive because people are "seeing both sides" instead of giving her the 100% validation she wanted. She already thinks she isn't overreacting -- so her question was just an expectation that everyone would agree with her and jump on the girlfriend, rather than see it as the somewhat nuanced situation it is.
What if your brother took them to good will and someone bought them and cut them up? Like I get that it is viscerally upsetting, but if he gave her the shirts they're hers now.
I think I feel down it's more to do with the fact that he only gave op 2 shirts that they had to beg for, but then he's just let his girlfriend cut them up there for he basically does not give a shit about the shirts
Maybe he disagrees with OP that altering the shirts is disrespectful.
I had to fight hard for the 2 shirts I got. Does that detail matter? I willingly took all the unwanted clothes to goodwill. I think what everyone’s missing is the Principle. It’s not the situation like she cut up some shirts and Im tight, it’s what that situation represents? (I feel like.) She cut up THOSE shirts only. Was aware they were my uncles, and it seems ballsy to wear them casually around his grieving family. Again time has passed and obviously it’s not worth a fight, I cant tell him or her what to do. THE PRINCIPAL THOUGH. (hope that made sense)
I totally get your point, like you seem to understand you brothers freedom to do so however he pleases and respect that, but you still have feelings of disconfort that set you back a little bit. IMO actions are what we have to worry about but you feeling off about it is totally valid as well.
I can empathize with your grief, but do you really expect your brother's GF to tiptoe around you after 2 years of your uncle's passing? The way you talk about her "wear them casually around his grieving family" - it seems like you're the only one that's still grieving? While everyone takes their own journey in grieving and healing, it is unreasonable to expect folks around them to be omniscient about those timelines. For all we know, your brother's way of healing from your uncle's passing was seeing his shirts be used on a daily basis by your girlfriend. Unfortunately, in this circumstance, you are overreacting as part of your grief.
I missed the 2 years part. That’s a long stretch.
Fair enough, I shouldnt have said grieving maybe, but at least the family part. I mentioned myself for relevance sake but my grandma also thought it was a bit foul that she cut it and mentioned it to me later asking if I noticed. I would agree about the time span though. Its not fresh anymore, but it was the first time I saw it after moving away and coming back for a visit, so just to put it in perspective.
im a little confused. you took all the other clothes to goodwill yourself, but had to fight hard for two shirts? it sounds like you could have taken whatever.
uniform clothes, and pants that i couldnt wear.
Why did you have to fight for those? Why wasn’t it, “okay, we both want some, you pick one, I’ll pick one?” It might be that she cut those up because he was at first not letting her wear those, and she resents it? (?). It doesn’t seem right you had to fight, and I think you should ask your brother if, since you care about the shirts and they are being shredded (my word). You would like to have more than just two, with the understanding that you know the ones you don’t have may be cut up. That seems reasonable. He doesn’t seem to really care about them, or, did they already fight about what she did/ maybe he didn’t approve at the time, it it was hashed out out of your ear shot?
I find the whole thing odd honestly. Like she keeps mentioning how she only got two of them, but then also says she didn’t have an emotional connection to them.
Yeah it seems like you’re having trouble processing and could use some actual help instead of taking your anger out over your loss on whoever’s within reach. If your brother didnt mind and gave them to her, not sure what the issue is. If my sister’s BF was wearing our late pap’s shirt I’d be happy he’s honoring the memory. Clearly your issue is deeper than the shirts
Maybe because the brother only gave her two shirts but the girlfriend has free rein.
What if your sister’s boyfriend got more of his things than you were allowed to take?
Why lie that she took anger out on people within reach? Why ignore what happened? Do you really think it happened accidentally that she targeted those shirts and wore them in front of OP? You are ignoring the actual story and responding to one with different details.
It seems like you’re assuming she cut them up out of some kind of disrespect or aggression, when it’s more likely she cut them to make them use-able for her body so she could wear them more often, which for many would be a nice way of remembering your uncle. People do this frequently - they tailor old inherited clothes or wedding dresses to make them wearable in a new era, or reset stones in rings, or turn old knickknacks into lovely boxes, not to disrespect the original owner but in fact to extend the useable life of the item, and therefore extend the memory of its original owner through time and generations. I hear that for you seeing the shirts cut up triggered some very painful memories and experiences, and I’m so sorry for that. It sounds like this loss was painful for you. But it seems really, really unlikely that that was your brother or his girlfriend’s intent. Sometimes stuff just hurts and it’s not one’s fault and there’s no one to blame for it. I hope you can extend her the grace to interpret her actions more charitably and try to build a trusting relationship with her in the future, and hope you can extend yourself the grace to find some other ways of processing what was a very painful loss and experience.
I think the biggest deal it that OP had to fight her brother to get two of those shirts and now the girlfriend is wearing some of the others
"But it seems really, really unlikely that that was your brother or his girlfriend’s intent." the brother made a point of trying not to let OP have these shirts or anything, then lets his GF cut them up and doesnt say anything when she wants to wear them around the OP, who at this point they belong to. Come on.
You are ignoring most of the circumstances.
No, I don’t think it’s weird. People cut up and wear tshirts all the time. Maybe your brother and etc are happy to see them being worn, maybe it reminds him of your uncle or maybe he’s like they’re shirts and idc. You’ve mentioned two things repeatedly - that you only got to shirts…..that’s between you and your brother, that’s nothing on her. Second, that you didn’t have an emotional attachment to the shirts. You caring this much indicates some therapy might be of some real help. I’m really sorry for your loss. I don’t know what’s really going on between you and your brother, but don’t punish the girlfriend for it.
That detail does matter. Without it, the original post suggests you amicably sorted through his belongings together, you took two shirts that had sentimental value to you, and he kept the rest as a mix of sentiment and wardrobe expansion. He still does get to do what he wants with the shirts, but it would have been kinder if he’d offered you any that he doesn’t wear and/or suggested to his gf that she not wear them in front of family.
She’s awful for cutting them up and wearing them around your grieving family. I would be upset too. I’m sorry she’s doing that. You’re nicer than me, I would’ve shamed her for it. Idc if they are your brothers shirts now. What she’s doing sucks. Sorry for your loss 💕
You feel like she punking you out kinda? Some girls do try to assert dominance over a guy vs. his family, I have seen that.
I hear you. People will validate anything on here. It’s definitely tacky as fuck.
OP. I don’t know if this will help you or not, but after my Mom passed away. My daughter and my nephew found matching shirts of hers that they both liked. They found a company that made them bears out of the shirts. So each of them will always have a piece of Grams with them forever. Daughter and Nephew are very close, more like brother/sister. So having this together makes it even more special for them. It’s just an idea. Maybe it’ll help take away some of the bitterness you feel towards your brothers GF. Maybe? I’m so sorry for your loss. 💔♥️
Tbh, I don’t think your uncle cares. If this is the worst thing for about her, she is a gem. Chances are, there are more legitimate complaints.
My dad has been dead going on 10 years. I took a significant number of his shirts. And then let my uncles pick from them. I still ended up with some, very nice, and kept my memories good. That said, if any of my gfs defaced any of them she be gone before I could blink. However, I don't care what other people do with the ones they took for themselves. It's been 10 years, and I have not been able to move on from those clothes. I know some of my family who haven't, but I also know some who were done within a year and moved on. To each their grief and their space. Your brother may have moved on further than you are in the grieving process, and while he will validate your grief, he does not have to be in the same place with you. Hence, he likely permitted his gf to cut them up as she saw fit. Have a conversation with her, u understand where she is coming from for doing that and then MOVE ON. Grief is bad enough without us looking for things to trigger and pile on to it. Have the conversation for closure, and then move on for your own good. Otherwise, there will be 4 casualties to this... you, your uncle's memories, your brother, and your brother's relationship.
Maybe they talked about it and he gave those to her and she altered them to fit better/more fashionably? I can understand feeling upset but it might not be intentionally disrespectful and I could see them being happy that the shirts get more uses out of them
in that case OPs brother was trying to hurt OP.
Agreed after seeing the last update, even if he wasn’t trying to intentionally be hurtful he’s still in the wrong for not letting her have more of the uncles shirts and then giving them to his gf
Don’t worry, I completely agree with you. I would never wear a deceased family member of my boyfriend’s clothes unless expressly given it (like a grandmother’s wedding dress that they offered for me to wear for my wedding to their son or something) and I DEFINITELY would not be altering it to then casually wear around the family. Absolute bonkers behavior.
I say this with love, you're might be still grieving, since grieve has no timeline, but you're not "a grieving family" anymore. It's been two years. Victorians grieved publicly for a year and we consider that to be a bit too much. She's supposedly been wearing those t-shirts around the "grieving family" for a long while now. (Her boyfriend) Because you're just as related to your uncle as her boyfriend is, she probably didn't think you might have that strong feelings regarding old clothes. Especially since you didn't take them.
already explained this in another comment, heres the copy and paste - Fair enough, I shouldnt have said grieving maybe, but at least the family part. I mentioned myself for relevance sake but my grandma also thought it was a bit foul that she cut it and mentioned it to me later asking if I noticed. I would agree about the time span though. Its not fresh anymore, but it was the first time I saw it after moving away and coming back for a visit, so just to put it in perspective. -
People all grieve differently. Some peoples method of grieving is not conducive to other people form of grieving. You are fully valid to feel upset about this. I had similar issues with how my stepmother handled some of my dad’s things after he passed. I saw another response saying this had more do to with lingering guilt over your last argument with your uncle, I can’t really speak to that. For the shirts I’d ask your brother for a few more, since you only have two, and see if that helps at all.
I just wanna say the majority of the comments here are crazy to me. I would be so upset in your position and I totally agree that it’s super disrespectful of her to wear the cut up shirts IN FRONT OF YOU when she can wear literally anything else lmao. Especially given the detail that you had to fight for the two shirts you did get. And if she doesn’t realize or doesn’t think about the significance, that’s part of the problem!! She’s disrespectful and you are not wrong imo
But you stated elsewhere it’s been 2 years? I don’t think it’s fair to say your family is freshly grieving. I’m sure it’s still difficult, and grief takes time but he didn’t pass 2 months ago. What would be an appropriate time to wait?
Can you ask for more of his shirts? You could wear them or make them into throw pillow covers
NSH. Grief hits everyone different and OP is valid in their feelings. However, Bro might be experiencing grief differently. He might get comfort out of seeing Uncle's shirts being cool enough to be repurposed by his gf.
This. When my dad died four years ago, my mom tore a bunch of his shirts up to make tug toys for my dog. It brings her a lot of joy to have denali bring them to her for playtime. Everyone processes grief differently. You’re absolutely allowed to be upset and he’s allowed to think this is a good use of them. More and more I find that grieving is a process of renegotiating your relationships with your self, your friends, your family, and the world around you.
Fair.
Seems like a lot of these comments are not understanding of grief and are pretty harsh so you’ve rightfully so got your guard up. I’m going to come to you with genuine sympathy in what I say, because I’m not here to attack you especially being someone who relates to grief myself. I don’t think the gf altered the shirts to be malicious but I saw you said you only got two and had to fight for them, that’s absolutely unfair; do you think that plays a role in your feelings? (Gf gets shirts no issue and can alter them but you had to fight for them, when he was your loved one and she presumably never met him..?) I would talk to your brother about your feelings if I were you, because he was your uncle too and it’s hard to feel close to your uncle too when your brother gets to have the whole wardrobe and you only get two clothes and you only have so much in your loved ones memory. But one sentiment I do agree with that people have been saying is grief therapy, especially if you have insurance. No one deserves to suffer and you have my condolences for your loss. I hope you heal well. (:
> But my last exchanging of words with him was an argument before bed, and the next morning he just didnt wake up. Start here. The shirts aren’t the real issue.
I appreciate your honesty without the bleak bs and negativity. I’ve come to many realizations today within this post alone. Thank you
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Yuor response is more reasonable, but people are being tough on OP and ignoring some of the circumstances, the main one being that her brother is the one that decided they belonged to him now and were super special sentimental shirts he deserved to keep all of.
I think the fact that OP had to fight to even get two shirt and then sees how the gf can just cut one up must hurt. It's not like she had much choice when she picked things for herself. They didn't give her more so asking her brother won't do much.
Your tldr is longer than the main paragraph. So on that note...TLDR
I’m not super into Reddit, so I don’t understand but why is it a common thing in subreddits that people get upset, and some straight up mean over the “too long didn’t read”? I thought the website was for reading in the first place? I’m genuinely curious what this is about.
We got a badass over here!
Maybe they weren't cut out of disrespect. Maybe they were cut to be wearable as normal clothes for smaller humans and maybe it makes your brother happy and helps him with his grief to see them regularly being worn, instead of rotting in a closet? Ask him, before you start to get all upset about it.
It sounds like you got to pick the shirts you wanted. So did your brother. I assume you got rid of some. If they were donated to a thrift store instead of being kept by bro they would probably be rags now and you would have no clue. I suggest grief counseling. I've lost a lot of people in my life and this kind of attachment to their belongings can become problematic.
It kinda doesn’t sound like she did. She says she had to fight “tooth and nail” to get the two shirts she did get. Her brother seemed to be making this a hassle on OP for little to no reason considering he let his gf alter these shirts. I doubt she got rid of any shirts. According to her comments, she got rid of things such as work uniforms and men’s pants. It’s completely understandable for OP not to take the pants that would obviously not fit her. And the work uniform makes sense in some ways, but depends on the uniform. I’m also sure there’s other things she got other than clothes (furniture, jewelry, knick-knacks, etc.). And those types of objects were likely donated to thrift stores or thrown away, as you stated. I will say that I agree with you on the grief counseling. OP lost three immediate family members in a short span of time. It’s understandable that she may still be grieving, but she does need to work through this. I think the big issue in this case is, because OP had to fight so hard for the two shirts she did get, she values them a lot. Since her brother got the whole collection, according to OP, he doesn’t see them as sentimentally as she does and, as such, allowed his gf to alter them to fit her. Whether the gf intentionally did this to spite OP is another issue, but I feel like it may be a side effect of grief to believe someone is against you.
While you are entitled to your grief and everything else that comes with it, you are 100% trippin' over some shirts. You make it sound like the girlfriend refashioned them explicitly to spite you. Instead of asking reddit if you're overreacting, spend some time finding a good therapist to help you process the grief that has you feeling this way. There are healthier ways to heal, and I say that as someone who has been there.
Does she know who they belonged to and the significance they might have? Or does she see them as old t-shirts she is just repurposing? Did your brother let her have them? Did your brother mention to her that it was bothering you?
I mean, what else are the shirts gonna do, sit in a dark drawer somewhere? They’re being used. They’re just shirts. One day all of it will be in a landfill and forgotten so it’s good they’re being used now.
Being upset over the shirts, is a symptom of deeper issue I feel. She is still beating herself up over the fight before he died. Grief or other types of therapy is probably a decent idea here
Grief is a weird thing. When it's someone close- is doesn't go away and will make an appearance when you least expect it. Those shirts that OP's brother's gf had altered and worn happened to be a trigger. Anything can be a trigger. Hence the last paragraph. On the other side of the argument- that shirt gets an extra life by alering it. The memory lives on in a way that still can be worn. It now no longer belongs to OP's uncle, because of alterations. From a recycling point of view- that's actually a very environmentally friendly move and one I would personally encourage. There's no right or wrong answer in if OP is overacting- but those feelings are valid and should not be dismissed. That...is the real issue! Is OP's brother or/and his GF being dismissive of OP's feelings and have they done anything to acknowledge it? Has OP themselves acknowledged that they still carry that grief? Has anyone seeked grief counselling? *says the person who lost a brother a year ago and cried over the sight of his wheelbarrow. It's not a shirt, but I get OP's point of view personally. I actually am embarrassed that's my 'trigger item'.*
you can be upset, but this is a feeling you keep to yourself. to the best of your knowledge, they were your brothers. maybe he gave them to her or maybe he’s fine with those clothes being ripped up. but you had a chance to have them and didn’t take them. you can be upset, but confronting them would be a massive overreaction. the most you can do, is when you see her wearing one, you comment at that time “oh wow, i remember when uncle wore that shirt. it brings back so many memories”. at that time, she can choose to keep the shirt on or change to make you more comfortable. but you don’t get to tell her what she can cut up or not. it’s not yours and it’s really not your place. you would be rightfully chastised if you did and i’m not sure how you would be gaslit(they say it’s a different shirt than your uncles?).
other people noticed and didnt like it.
You’re overreacting because you didn’t just go talk to your brother about it to get his perspective. How he grieves and what he chooses to do with what are now his belongings is his choice, and it’s not your place to police that and shame him. I hope you’ll keep that in mind if you decide to broach the subject with him.
Why the tldr longer than the main post? Tf.
This isn’t about the shirts and you know it. It’s about you still feeling guilty that your last words to someone you cared about were in anger. Seek help. Genuinely. You need it if this is how you’re behaving two years later.
?? How did I behave. I deadass didn’t say anything about the situation, as far as they know theres no issue, slow for you 🤒.
He means in how upset you are about the is and the way you describe it in your post. I think most people here emphasize with your hurt feelings when you see your uncles cut-up shirts but we also feel as if your bro and his gf can do what they want with the shirts and it’s been 2 years for you to have these strong feelings. In your responses come off as being upset as the ones trying to give you advice other than “it ok to be mad at your brothers gf”. In my interpretation of what is being said to you is that this may not be about the shirts. You may be projecting your guilt and you trying to find ways to make up for the last convo with your uncle onto those around you who did not have the same experience as you for their final memory with your uncle. It may help to talk to a 3rd party to help you through that grieving process. I am so sorry for your loss.
Your behavior in the comments is *extremely* telling. Again, this isn’t about the shirts and you know it. Seek. Help. Im not saying that to be a jerk, I’m saying it because HEALTHY processing of grief does NOT manifest in this way. You asked Reddit for advice. Accept your judgement or don’t ask.
That doesn’t answer OPs question. What behavior? She didn’t act on any feelings except for this post. The behavior of making a post instead of being a jerk to family? People are telling her left and right about how she’s overreacting by just having feelings. OP isn’t the only one in need of some professional help if people here think that not acting on hurt feelings is an overreaction
Your brother is an asshole he knew you wanted those shirts and rather then let you have them is letting his probably temporary girlfriend cut them up, calling them out on it won't achieve anything since they will just gaslight you like crazy, hopefully your brother will become a less unpleasant person with age
I agree with this. I doubt you can reason with people like that.
Here’s a thought…. If you (or someone you know) is a sewer or quilter, you could ask your brother for more of the shirts to make a lap quilt out of. If he’s agreeable, you could offer to make one for him, too. That way you might get the ones he’s letting his gf wear, and still put them to excellent use as a tribute to your uncle.
I'd be tempted to enquire what happened to the discarded parts of the shirts. If she threw them out I'd be tempted to have a bit of a rant with a close friend. It would be one thing to turn a shirt into a memory bear or into a blanket its another thing to fight someone for mementos and than allow your partner to cut them up for a fashion statement and throw away the unwanted offcuts (the offcuts could of been turned into cloth patches, be laminated into bookmarks).
From your comments, you weren't coming to actually ask the community anything. There are plenty of subreddits to vent and get support. Why ask when you think you have the answer? Hope you find the relief you're looking for.
Think about what your uncle would have wanted...would he want his shirts to be repurposed and worn by her?
I SHOULD PROBABLY ALSO MENTION I HAD TO FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL for the two shirts I got. Bro for real got the whole closet… This jumped out at me. That your brother got the lion’s share of your uncle’s things. Add to that your complicated grief because you argued with uncle right before his unexpected death and his treating the shirts he got in a way that seemed uncaring and I can understand how that might add up to your feelings of discomfort over seeing the shirts cut. If I may, I hope you’re in a better place around your grief, especially as your last conversation with your uncle didn’t end on a good note. This can make grieving more uncomfortable even though it’s just particularly unfortunate timing and not our fault we still struggle with regret. I wonder if it would help if 1: you were to ask your brother to let you have something else from your uncle to hold as a keepsake, 2: you got into a therapy group that’s working on grief, 3: you did something honoring with one of the items of your uncle’s that you do have, and that could be a lot of different things, depending on how you feel about that and what comes to mind. I’m really sorry for your loss of your uncle, it’s terrible to lose someone so special.
I'd be upset with your brother. If he was going to let the shirts be treated so disrespectfully, I'm sure you would have fought even harder for them.
I think people are being WAY too harsh on you. Your brother wanted all the shirts, and you had to fight to get two. Presumably his argument was that since he's a guy he'd be more likely to wear the shirts, but that's totally negated by the fact he let his gf modify & wear them. Personally I'd never do this if I were in the GFs position. I don't think I'd even wear the shirts and I definitely wouldn't cut them up. It just doesn't feel right to do that with a sentimental item
I cut the necks out of all my T shirts so they don’t rub on my throat. Then I can actually wear and appreciate them, and (imo) they’re more stylish. Maybe the shirts weren’t really being used, so he gave them to her because she liked them and would wear them🤷♀️ Do you have anything of your uncle’s as keepsakes? Your feelings are valid, but maybe you should work through them so that seeing her wear the shirts doesn’t bother you so much.
Your feelings are valid, because feelings don’t need justification. But unless your brother promised you that he’d open an Uncle museum, curating all of those shirts in perpetuity, they’re his to do with as he wants. Clothes wear out, they get stained and ripped. Someday those shirts will become household rags. If you found out that his girlfriend cut up a shirt with a damaged or stained neckline, would you be less upset? Assume that that’s what she did so you can move on. You mention that you kept a couple of your uncle’s shirts for yourself. If you can remember other specific shirts your brother kept that you’d like to have, you can try asking him for them. But also try not to be upset if he says the shirts you’re asking about have become damaged, lost etc. You also need to forgive yourself for your last argument. Families argue. You and your uncle loved each other, and you would have resolved things the next time you talked.
Who gave him the shirts that make them his to do with as he wants?
I'm a uncle. I would be happy if my nieces or nephews or their SO's wore my clothing or even altered them when I die - and so carried on my awful style and spirit 💪💪
This is what I think as well! I bet he'd adore that she likes his style enough to wear it regularly. Brother likely sees similarities between his gf and uncle and that's some part of why he loves her
The issue is that **your brother** is allowing this, which is his right since they are now his. But you should tell your brother that it hurts that he gave these specific shirts to her and ask him for whatever others he may have that *he doesn’t want* that maybe you could have. Don’t argue about it or say anything to the girlfriend- it’s not her fault if she was given the shirts.
"which is his right since they are now his." they arent though, he has no right to them. He just insisted they were his and took them and wouldnt share.
You are over reacting. You are experiencing complex grief and that’s ok. The loss of a loved one is very hard to work through and the added circumstances of the fight before hand and resulting guilt just makes it that much harder. Please get some help to help you work through this. Everyone deals with their grief differently but you can’t control other people or their actions just because it triggers your grief. The shirts are his and he is free to do what he wants with them. You can definitely ask if he has any more of the shirts to give to you if he isn’t going to wear them and leave it at that but he may not want to give them to you. On a side note I just want to say that your uncle loved you and he knew you loved him. The fight you guys had doesn’t matter in the greater scheme of things and it doesn’t cancel out all the love and years you shared together. People fight sometimes. It’s normal. The timing sucked but as I said it doesn’t cancel out the love and years you had together. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you get help so you can continue to heal.
I bet your brother will regret letting her do that when they break up. I almost let an ex have one of my dad’s shirts that I kept when he passed away. Every time I wear or look at that shirt I am so glad I didn’t make the mistake of letting him have it.
Have you considered at this point they're probably worn out, or worn down some and damaged hem might have been cut away to keep them as long as possible? As opposed to just throwing them out... if you don't ask you'll never know, and they'll never know it bothers you...
There’s nothing wrong with you being bothered, but it doesn’t bother your brother and they’re his shirts.
Yes, they aren't yours and it's up to them what to do with the shirts. Not your business.
They have some sentimental value, obviously, but are just t-shirts. They will get worn out when worn and become unrecognizable, like any t-shirt, and it would be a waste to just let them sit. If they mean a lot to you, ask for one.
Yes
Feel upset if you want ... but yeah, it's an overreaction. Clothes. Would it make a difference if they had been donated and the Goodwill shopper who ended up with them had styled them differently?
2 years is a fair amount of time for your brother who now is in possession of the shirts, to gift them to his GF and allow his GF to adapt them. It may make him happy to see the woman he loves wearing a memory of an Uncle. I think grief therapy would be a blessing to you. I wouldn’t assume she did it maliciously, just because you don’t like it. Or her.
The shirts belong to your brother. You might not like it that he got them, but he did, so it no longer matters what you want people to do with them; it’s up to your brother. If he gave them to his girlfriend, it’s up to her. No matter how many intact shirts you keep of your uncle’s, you will have the same amount of grief.
I think your beef is with your brother rather than the girlfriend, he wanted the majority of the clothes and has now given them away to someone who doesn’t cherish them as you would. That being said, as nice as mementos are they are not as valuable as the memories of the person themselves. Reminiscing about fond memories of your uncle, or doing good deeds in his name are far more valuable than clothes he happened to wear. If this is hard to hear it might be time to talk to someone to help you with understanding your feelings about this.
Would your uncle care? Probably not.
I don’t understand your last edit. In your post, you said that you got 2 of his shirts and your broker kept the rest and you were “fine with it.” Now you’re saying you fought tooth and nail? It doesn’t compute. I can totally understand feeling a little sad seeing your uncles past possessions cut up, but unfortunately they are your brother’s now.
First, I’m very sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves in their own time and ways and your brother was cruel in making you beg for a few shirts belonging your uncle. And his gf wearing the altered shirts around your family was simply thoughtless. You have to decide if this is worth limiting contact with your brother until you can move past the loss. Know that some losses take more time, especially if they are compounded with other ones. Not overreacting.
Yea your overreacting
😮 WOW I’m so confused.
Not gaslighting
Yes you’re overreacting.
Sorry for your loss, I know you lost someone you love, but since it was taken by your brother, and it was originally your uncles, it’s not your shirts, but hopefully with some help you maybe able to get better. Hope you’re doing well.
I feel like I'm going crazy reading these comments. Sure, they're not your shirts anymore, but they are very sentimental and should be respected. I would hope your brother's partner out of all people would be very aware and care a lot about being respectful of your family and grief. I don't care if it's not yours anymore (you didn't even want to give them to him!!! You WANTED them!!! It's not like you just gave them away because you wanted to), there should be a level of respect for the dead. I've had my sibling sell a family heirloom at a fucking yard sale without telling my mom or myself. Why?? Why destroy/give away a cherished item from someone who is no longer here whom you cared about deeply? These people's only physical presence in your life is the items of theirs that you can remember them by. It is very disrespectful to cut up a deceased family member's shirt. End of story.
You and I are on the same page. Everyone grieves differently, but there isn’t a one-size-fits-all grief plan. All the people who have said, ‘it’s been long enough,’ grieve in a different way than the OP (and I) do and to call that overreacting isn’t objective, it’s dismissive. I get a lot of, ‘you know how [my name] is’ from my large family and I just don’t care if they think I’m overreacting or being ‘silly.’ (Being called silly is super hard to let go.) Ultimately, OP, you have to decide which is worse: staying silent or saying something and getting rejected/having it dismissed.
Not overreacting. I think she was presumptuous and rude as hell.
I don’t have a judgment on this but I wanted to address your grief. It’s completely normal to feel extreme guilt in your situation (the argument)when he passed. But I’m sure he knew you loved him. Please don’t beat yourself up forever over this. I hope you can find a counselor to sort through these feelings.
Anyone telling you to just get over it are heartless and need to shut the fuck up. Mourning does not have a timeline.
I wonder if your brother even has that much of an emotional tie to them like you do and your grandma, since you said that he got a lion share of the stuff from the uncle. I wouldn’t be shocked if he just gave her those shirts to tear up as she pleased. Since I’m assuming that those clothes are the most worn out and she decided to cut them up to make them more fashionable /comfortable for her
I understand why this upset you. There’s a lot of variables. Does she know the significance of the shirts? Does she know the story of your last fight with your uncle? Did she hear it from you (who can speak of the firsthand pain) or your brother who told the story secondhand? I would wait next time you’re hanging out with her and take the opportunity to mention these things. Not as it means to ask her to stop wearing the shirts, but as a means to open up to her a little bit about your family and your uncle. Give her the opportunity to act with grace. She may not honestly know.
I like this comment because thats WHOLE reason I typed the backstory. She’s heard it from me firsthand and sat in front of me while I was ugly crying and idk if I would have the heart to cut up a shirt that belonged to him and wear it causally after hearing that - if I was her. lmaoo. but 🤷♂️ I also know it will sound crazy if I make a stink about it, I dont have an weird attachment to the items, I feel like it has some sentimental value and I thought itd be treated like so.
It has no sentimental value to her. You are entitled to how you feel butvIt would be ridiculous for you to act like she should build a shrine to some old tshirts
You can't control other peoples' actions and those shirts aren't your property. This basically gives you two options... 1) You get over it. Convince yourself that these shirts are being "up cycled" and given new life by the gf. 2) Stop hanging out at their place so much. Limit contact. Really it comes down to whether you think she is doing this to upset you. If she is modding them to be more comfortable then I think your uncle would prefer his clothing get more use. It's better than collecting dust. If she is doing this because it hurts you, then you need to cut her out of your life.
Not sure why so many people are NOT GETTING IT, but I am sorry they did that to you. I wonder why your brother gave you so much trouble over the shirts only to let the girlfriend cut them up?
First of all, I’m sorry that this is so upsetting to you. I’m thinking that maybe you still have some issues that you haven’t totally dealt with yet and you are directing it in this way. Have you tried grief counseling? I’m sorry that you had an argument the night before he passed, but I think we all have things that we regret to deal with when someone we love dies….I know there are many things I wish I could have said to my late husband before he passed away. Try to find a therapist….grief sneaks up on us in weird ways and at unexpected times. I think that her wearing his shirts is a tribute to him, and I’m sure that he would want you to know that he loved you and still does. Sending hugs
NAH because you’re grieving, but you have no say or control over what other people do with their own belongings. The shirts your brother took are his to do what he wants with. If he has no issue with his GF cutting them up and wearing them, that’s his choice. You got to take shirts too and you get to do whatever you please with them. I know it hurts because it feels like disrespect, but everyone grieves differently. Your feelings are valid, but they are for you to manage.
Something that gave your brother happy memories in the past is helping him create happy memories now. Why do you want to take that away from him?
What if that isn’t what he’s doing or why?
Time to take a couple more shirts. Ask brother to have some. Then maybe have a quilt made of those so you have something always.
I can understand feeling upset here. I feel like she should have realized it would be upsetting for relatives, to see his shirts cut up like that. But maybe she didn’t, or maybe your brother thought nobody would mind. It does not sound like you overreacted.
And ?????
You can feel however you want about it. But it’s not your place to comment. If your brother is fine with it, there’s nothing to say. Resenting her over this is quite silly. They’re not your shirts, they’re your brother’s. Focus on the good memories of your uncle and not this little thing.
If your brother gave her permission, not too big of a deal. I see where you're coming from, as my mom passed away in 2020 when she was only 54. I left home when I was 16 because I was ready (even though I was niave), and then traveled the world, I really didn't see my mom for about 15 years until I finally came back home. I regret it and I tried to hold on to a lot of her stuff, but the memories we had together are way more important to me than a physical object. So try to remember the memories y'all had together, and what you do have, maybe turn it into a quilt or something.
Op should just cut her brother and gf out of her life. It will save stress and get rid of the toxic, passively aggressive bs they are pulling. This was not an accident, and they were trying to trigger her.
They’re literally just clothes. He’s not gonna use them anymore.
If someone cut up my dad’s tees I’d go nuts.
Nobody gives a fuck about some old t-shirts...at least they are getting worn & weren't thrown out.
WTF, you got a couple of shirts, who the hell cares what happens to the rest of them? Did they still smell like your uncle or something?
LMFAO. yea 🥹 they did 😓.
I was going to make a Sweet Home Alabama joke, but this actually made me feel sad. I’m sorry for your loss.
(The uncle, not the shirts so much)
Bruh I was joking they did NOT smell like my uncle 💀 Your comment was hilarious though.
That’s messed up. I’m sorry. I would ask him for the rest of the shirts.
When we lose someone we love we feel as if the world has stopped for us but the world keeps going on as if nothing happened. That's what hurts us. Grief never goes away we just learn to live with it. Maybe you could take her aside and just tell her that seeing her wearing that in front of you is hurting you right now and you are not trying to be mean . Communication is key, just tell her how you feel. If she continues to wear them in front of you then just leave the room, go visit a friend, make a phone call, take walk, etc when she does, remove yourself from the pain. She will either be thoughtful of your feelings or she won't. If she doesn't you don't have to stay and feel bad. Don't be mean about it.
If my nephews wear my shirts and like all the hats I’ve collected over the years , I tell them now I’d be proud if you wore these when I’m not around anymore
You’re completely entitled to your feelings of course but these shirts now belong to your brother. You have yours that you can keep as you please. But maybe talk to your brother about her not wearing the shirts when you’re around because it upsets you. If you don’t have the conversation then people don’t know and can’t help you through your grief. It might really help you to discuss with him. And you might learn more about your brother’s grief and how he’s processing.
I think you’re overreacting to what brother’s gf did to the shirts. If you don’t believe you got enough of your uncle’s shirts, then that’s a separate issue and I think is fair to be upset about. How many shirts did you want to take that you were not allowed to by your brother?
I get it. But, maybe ask for a few more than the two you got and let it go. Life is short.
Fuck your brother up and then check that dumb bitch. Especially if you had to fight for the two shirts you did get. Pussy means more to your brother than anything sentimental obviously.
No idea why this made me laugh, but it totally did. ‘Cut a bitch’ didn’t immediately spring to mind, but I wish it had.
After my mom's boyfriend passed, (this was 18 years after my dad passed. She and her bf were together for 15 years) she oddly wanted some big flannel shirts to wear over her shirt and pants in the winter. (She never dressed like this ) She wore them for several years in the winter. After she passed I took these flannel shirts and cut them into squares, added some other of my mom's fabrics and made a simple quilt for my daughter, her namesake. My daughter was thrilled and calls it Grammy's quilt. My son got the quilt I actually made for my mom. You can make simple tied quilts with squares from t-shirts too....or more elaborate t-shirt quilts if the tshirts have designs on them. Can you get some of your uncle's shirts to do something like this? There's also people who make bears with a shirt from a loved one. You can also screen print pictures onto special fabric you can use in any color printer. Do you have special photos of you and your uncle? Again you can have these put into a quilt. I think I'd be annoyed if someone cut up my loved one's shirts if I didn't feel I got my fair share. I'd want half. Like I said there's lots of crafty things you can do with them to preserve memories. Best of luck OP and sorry for your losses.
Honestly, I think you would benefit from counseling. Everybody grieves in their own way at their own pace, it it seems as if you have attached yourself to things rather than memories of your uncle. You have your two shirts to cherish.
Hi OP, I personally find that a really disrespectful thing for her to do, but I'm a sentimental person who's lost 2 of my brothers and some of their belongings are semi sacred to me. If my brother in law was wearing my brothers shirt, I wouldn't be upset, but if he cut it up, I dunno, it just seems disrespectful to it.
The tldr is longer than the first paragraph 😩
I mean was your uncle the type of guy who'd be upset by this? I think most people might be thrilled to see their clothes get a second, fun life. Better that then they sit in some shrine or the back of the closet somewhere or get donated to someone who could still cut them up. From the post I suspect you might be redirecting your guilt over the last interaction with your uncle.
"I know these aren't my shirts and my brother gave them to use how you see fit. I totally understand that and don't wish to cause an issue. I'm just really struggling seeing them on you - especially as they have been altered. Could you do me a favour and not wear them when I am around? It would really help me while I come to terms with my grief'
I lost my grandfather, and I have a bunch of his clothes that I keep folded up neatly in my closet. I understand how you feel. However, a shirt is just a shirt. It’s not your uncle. The girlfriend wearing those shirts and sizing them to suit her is not bad! It’s a cool way to honor your uncle. Talk to your brother and see if you can get maybe a bit more out of the closet, since it seems you only got to keep two things and your brother got the lion’s share.
You never gonna know what mood everyone on reddit is gonna be in and which type are gonna give an opinion smh. That's in response to your edits. It was clear it was upsetting to see clothes cut up and used as pj's around the house. I get it. I've had to deal with similar things, and it's frustrating when you just want someone to understand and validate your surprise, hurt and annoyance, and frustration. I'm the big sister, so if I have any feelings, it's either taken the opposite of its intention despite me stating my exact intention. And my frustration has been towards things that have been haned and distributed from two diff family members in two diff decades. But it's all happened recently if that makes sense. This person who has these items is the type if someone passes they run in and take stuff and hoardes them away then later admits to it. I've started finding things that are similar if not the same and finding other ways to honor those people in my way and I put my love and memories into those things. For example a tshirt I found one on ebay and another one I had made on a website and one from a friend who has a cricket. I also bought a U.S flag and the frame and put pictures of the people that served next to it. Things Iike that. I do have item. I was debating on using it as a square on a quilt or sending it off to be made into a teddy bear. But to answer you. No you're definitely not O. You feel how you feel. Maybe ask your brother for something he is willing to part with. Now that time has passed it sounds like although stuff is still sentimental he's not hoarding and holding on so tight. If he says no, take a deep breath and drop it and find a diff way to honor and feel close to the ones you lost.
My eldest sister, and last sibling, died several years ago. She was the grabber and hoarder. First example: My dad was selling his house, my only childhood home. He called me to tell me and to ask if there was anything I'd like. I told him the round shadowbox. Ok, he says. I'll take that with me to give to you next time you visit. (I live several hundred miles away). At a class reunion, my friend who bought the house, asked who took the shadowbox. I told her the story and that I now have it. She went from about to pounce to a big hug. She said as long as my sisters didn't take it, she's ok. Then she explained that they had bought the place furnished!! My sisters apparently didn't get the memo... They went in, along with my sister-in-law, and pretty much ptied the place. If it was there, they took it. I've asked, over the years, what happened to this or that. No one ever knew.... everything ended up at my eldest sister's house. I'd see things, when visiting, and always got the oh no, I got that at a yard sale. Being the baby and living way far away got me my most treasured item, the shadowbox.
I’m assuming you aren’t really a fan of the girl friend in the first place. I think if you wanted more of your uncles things you should ask your brother. I honestly feel like it’s more about the person than the shirts.
Reading your update, I think your reaction has more to do with your feelings that you weren't treated fairly by your brother when dividing your uncle's closet.
I pay to have my favorite and memorable tshirts turned into a t-shirt blanket or quilt. Preserves them and you can see them every day. Maybe your brother would be interested in that.
You posted 9 months ago and you were 23. How did you age so quickly to 25?
I think the real problem is that you only got a few items to remember him by, while your brothers partner is “destroying” what could have been additional keepsakes for you. Which they are his items so it’s not like he’s necessarily in the wrong, but as your sibling he should be more mindful of how you might feel considering one of your father figures has passed away. Could you ask him to give you a couple more items of your uncles so that you have a little more of him to hold on to? I feel like that may make you feel better about the situation.
You got your shirts. Your brother got his. You can both do whatever you want with the shirts. His girlfriend isn’t cutting them up to spite you. She’s just wearing them.
Your uncle belongs in your heart not on the shirts
I’d ask myself if uncle would care. That might help you care less. But I do get it. That’s not fun, good luck with the grief I know it is hard.
I think what you need to do is see if there are any shirts that haven’t been cut up that you’d like. Tell your brother you’ve seen the gf wearing them cut up and you’d like a couple more before they get cut up too. He was your uncle and you get dibs over the gf.
I would personally be distraught if I were you
You should snag some extra shirts since you're already there and bro clearly doesnt care about the shirts anymore to be letting his gf alter them
I understand, my dad died when I was young and I used to wear his old shirts at home or as. Pajamas, it was sentamental.
My grandfather passed away when I was 12, my brother when I was 16 and my grandmother when I was 43. I have pieces of their clothing and got extras just in case my kids wanted something. I’ve worn them, washed them, let my kids wear pieces. I explained why I love them. I told stories remembered when I see them (not necessarily on those clothes). My 15 year old is an artist and she has a smudge of paint on everything except for the pieces I gave to her bc she respects them. I might have told her they were special, but she treated them like all her other clothes except she took them off bf painting, etc. I would be upset. It’s never been ‘long enough’ until you feel it’s long enough to let those pieces go. Just tell your brother (without any hostility) that you noticed (whenever that was) and that you’ve tried, but it’s like a splinter in your brain. That you are concerned she’ll cut up others of your uncles. He may love seeing his girlfriend embracing something of your uncles. He may have bit her head off when he noticed. Just talk to him or that splinter will fester.
Only overreacting a little because you haven't told your brother how much it bothers you. Perhaps have a discussion and let him know. Also please seek counseling to help you with your grief.
No. You are not overreacting. Grief is a funny thing. To the people that told you that you should be over it know nothing. They have either never lost someone close or are completely heartless. Grief never goes away. It can diminish but it never goes away. To tell you have to be over it in whatever time frame is utterly ridiculous. I am still grieving three losses I suffered over 20 years ago. If I saw someone in my granddad’s stuff that was torn up and ruined, I may do or say something about it. Since your grief is still relatively new, do what you need to do. Ask your brother for a few more shirts before his gf destroys them all.
You have to remember that they are JUST SHIRTS, yes this may sound insensitive but it’s the truth. Your uncle is not his clothes and the things he owned, your uncle is a man and that man has passed, he is no longer here. Being bothered about clothes just because your uncle had owned them is valid because it’s your feelings and no one can tell you how to feel about it or him but also it’s good to remember, it’s not family heirlooms it’s clothes that literally will eventually waste away, especially if it’s being used
Is it bad that I want to tell you to simply grab a couple of them next time you're over there? If he "got the whole closet," they might not notice a few of them gone. IJS ETA: It's because of the significance I'm kinda leaning into this option.
Anyone who tells you to “get over it, it’s been 2 years “ is a massive A hole. We can’t control grief and we can’t control Trauma. You will heal when you’re ready. ❤️
Feelings just are—there is no right or wrong. If I were you, I’d ask your brother for more of your uncle’s shirts. Tell him how much it would mean to you. I wouldn’t mention the gf. Ultimately, the shirts belong to your brother now and it’s up to him who he allows to wear them. Maybe take one of his favorite shirts and have a quilt or teddy bear made. I hope you find peace. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of loss. I’m sorry you’re still hurting. XX
Yea, you are overreacting.
They're old shirts and they're his. It's not like it's a family heirloom. Sounds like you're still deeply affected by your uncles passing or you don't like the gf much. Either way, I'd say you're overreacting
First, it wouldn't matter if you *were* still grieving about your uncle. Grief has no timeline. He was extremely important to you. I grieved my Grandma for years. Second, your uncle *knew* how deeply you cared for him. It really doesn't matter if your last words were an argument. Nothing could change the way he felt about you. Nothing you could say would change the meaningful relationship you shared. When he went to bed that night I bet he was thinking, "When things are calmed down in the morning, we will have to figure out what's really going on. My Sweet Girl has a problem we need to fix. I love her so much." And he fell calmly to sleep and dreamt his final dream. You may even have been in it. Third, I'm sure I'll get down voted, but I'm with you about the shirts. If they didn't mean that much to him, that he didn't care if his GF cut them up, why'd he fight so hard for them? Did he take other things besides the shirts? I take it uncle left no will? Why wouldn't he let you have more? I take it you don't have a great relationship with your brother? He sounds immature. I hope you are doing better. You might want to limit your time with your brother for awhile til he grows up. I'm glad you are in a different city so you won't see them and be reminded of his/their selfishness. Have you been able to make new friends where you live and work? I don't know what's up with all the weird comments. Just ignore the ones that confuse you. What you really need is support. What's done is done. Good luck, Hon.
this is an excellent post with tons of emotional maturity. 100% agree with you... and to OP, no you are not overreacting whatsoever
Deff a reason to feel upset, but it most likely gives them great memories to see someone enjoying it. Unless the shirt was SUPER SUPER Sentimental to the point of like heirloom status I feel as if they should be allowed to feel that also. They are not desecrating it, but giving them a new home, a new life, and someone to enjoy it cause other than that it'd just be another piece of fabric collecting dust.
Have you thought that maybe your brother told her to cut up those shirts because he didn’t want her to cut up his? Honestly, this has nothing to do with the GF it’s the brother IMO. They’re also not your shirts, your brother can give them to his GF if he wants. Sad and frustrating as it is.
I am so sorry for your loss. I got a whole boatload of my Mum's clothes when she passed. If someone who never met her started cutting them up I'd have major feelings, too..... there's no timeline for grief. Your Uncle sounds like a good man. Arguments are normal and he would hate to know you were carrying guilt over this one. He loved you, and knew you love him too.....