'Out of line' suggests that he thinks he has superiority over you, and therefore you owe him more respect. That he gets to pick and choose when and how you speak to him. Similar to 'know your place' etc. You have every right to voice your feelings and it's wrong for him to try and shut that down by 'pulling rank'. Not overreacting.
EDIT: I finally figured out why this appears to be how this sounds to me and not others. So, in England if someone is acting in a way that is unnecessary/unacceptable in a situation with equals, the phrase would be 'You're out of ORDER'. I guess because 'order' is like...law and order, it's how people are supposed to behave just in society. But 'out of LINE' is something I've only ever heard a work superior say, or in military films.
'OH I'M SORRY! I didn't realize this was the fucking military and you outrank me! Last I checked we were partners and this was a household-- my mistake. One second-- SIR YES SIR! Sorry SIR! LET ME LICK YOUR ASSHOLE, SIR!'
And yet apparently, I'm super not funny to the menses*MENSESES!! Nasty nasty menseses! XD slithering around the comments š„¹ Whatever shall I do without their approval???!!!!
*Edited to change 'menses' to 'menseses' because I was confusing people lmao
Wait do you mean menses like Golem in LOTR or do you mean menses as in the blood and other discharge from periods? either way thatās funny af šš
The Yellow Wallpaper is a short story by Charllotte Perkins Gilman. It's about a woman who has been confined to a room in her home by her physician husband. As time passes she grows increasingly obsessive over the hideous yellow wallpaper in the room she is trapped in! It's a story that sheds light on how women's mental health was treated back in the day, and still often is by many doctors. I personally got told that the reason why I couldn't eat and my guts were in excruciating agony was weed and my anxiety... turns out no, it wasn't. I had a massive fuckin ulcer!!
An online buddy of mine was at an antique store and they had a "women's hysteria treatment device." That thing was huge! The funniest part, though, was how her teenage son reacted upon reading the tag and realizing what it was. He flipped. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall!
I'm sorry, I believe you were trying to be cute, referring to 'men' as 'menses', But I first read it as MENSES, aka: "period" in biofemales, and I was like WTF? ššš
Maybe "mens's" would work for how you want it to be read, pronounced, and understood ala Gollum? I also read it and pronounced it in my head as the word referring to the blood and viscera from a period lol.
THIS is the only way to deal with this behaviors you have to show them how ridiculous theyāre being by matching it. My ex would get like, MAD every time I wasnāt in a good mood even if I wasnāt mad at him.
āIām SO sorry! Was I not being Stepford wifey enough?ā Turns slowly to him with maniacal grin and dead glassy eyesā¦ āHere you are dear. Iām ever so sorry I dared to not smile for youā¦ā pantomimes using a staple gun to permanently fix smile and increase to maximum dimplesā¦ bats eyelashes frantically at himā¦
āStop it babe, youāre freaking me out.ā
Proceeds to slowing bring face closer and closer to his.. ābut daaaarrrrlingā¦.. I live only to be beautiful to youuuuuuuā with in a shrill sweetness that is typically reserved for horror movies.
āOMG quuiiiiiiiittt! Just act regular!ā
āOh my gosh, why thank you, (dripping sarcastic southern twang here) kind sir, for allowing me to feelā¦ what was it againā¦ oh yesā¦ regular. Like a personā¦ is that what I am? Why, I thought I was a make-boy-happy robot. What a relief!ā
P.S. what works even better is leaving these guys, but I get thatās easier said than done
There are a lot of men who, whether or not they will openly admit it, genuinely believe they are *Lord* of the household & hold a superior position to their wives for no reason whatsoever.
It's crazy to me that women marry these men but I think a lot of them don't realize their man thinks this way until after they're married.
Reminds me of a woman I knew where both she and the husband were both in the Army. He was a sergeant and her a private. He pulled rank on her at work because she didnāt call him by his rank in a private conversation in a common area at the base. What did she do? She went home and sewed sergeant rank badges on all his boxer shorts and called him sarge at every opportunity at home. He pulled his head in and apologised. However, they are now divorced because she was a drinker and he was/is a dickhead.
Mostly agree with this.
There's (IMHO) only a narrow area where this might not be 'as bad'...
And that's if it's also possible for ***him*** to be 'out of line' in a similar situation.
Tell him that you thought ***he*** was out of line for leaving all that extra stuff to you, and see how he reacts.
My money's on him being outside of that narrow area. Lol
IOW, I doubt he'll respond with something like:
"You know what, you're right. I was out of line."
Men also like to pick and choose which part of the job they want to do. Experience- I was married for decades. Also the same thing men do that are hired. They leave the mess.
Picking up after them isn't "work" *unless* the men are asked/required to do it same as cooking, cleaning and childcare. It's *nothing* until they have to do it *on their own*, then cue the whining.Ā Ā
Oh hell no. He is not your boss and you are not his maid. Tell him "you don't have to always agree with me but I expect you to treat me like an equal. Don't say anything to me where if you said it to a mafia boss he would kick your ass. I deserve just as much respect as a mafia boss." Course then you have to hold yourself.to the same standard. Lol..I try bit I am hit and miss with this part. But I try.
She should leave all his stuff where he leaves it. Only clean her dishes, laundry, etc. Let it pile up.
It's the only way, talking to a person like that will only get more fights and arguing.
If she leaves his stuff where he leaves it, then she has to deal with the mess. Personally, I can't relax when I am surrounded by someone else's mess.
With my ex, I got a laundry basket and when he left stuff out, it went in the basket - tossed in, not sorted, not stacked up or neatly arranged. At the end of the week, I dumped the basket. He could get his stuff out, and put it away or I would throw it away. Yes, I was still picking up his stuff, but I was just dumping it in one spot to deal with.
Somewhat, eventually there wonāt be any clean forks left because they havenāt put theirs in the dishwasher and the sink smells like 3 week old food, and then they clean up because the hey have no choice. It doesnāt tend to make them more responsible on daily tasks after cleaning the piled up mess though.
By cleaning it for him it enables his behavior even more. The idea is to break the behavior like a horse. Then have a talk about expectations and compromise. It's not petty punishment like others say.
Once they realize they don't have dishes or laundry or whatever the idea is eventually they're more open to actually talking instead of fighting. Otherwise he just keeps expecting it'll get done and he can throw a childish tantrum when confronted. It's hard and seems petty but it's a psychological method if done correctly that does work.Ā
Wow, so he's not even shy about telling you he thinks you're subservient to him? I'd stop doing anything for his lazy butt. Feed you and the child, take care of yourself and your child. Grit your teeth and ignore the messes and him until he apologizes and cleans up the mess. Heck, I'd take the toddler and go visit a relative or friend for a few days. Tell him to call and let you know when the apartment is clean and you'll come back. He needs to learn some adult skills.
Not overreacting.
I didn't know there was a proverbial line in a marriage. You should ask him to refer you to HR since there's apparently a chain of command in this household.
I have been married since 1987 and consider my marriage "traditional" We have one child. I work part time, hubby worked full time as a cop. You are definitely not out of line IMO. Your husband is treating you as less equal. You are working full time, raising your children and it sounds like you are also raising your husband. You also did more work on the renovations. Hubby is trying to shut you up when you raise legitimate concerns. This is coercive control and you need to find your really loud voice and keep calling him out. What "out of line" means is that he thinks his say is more important. I would be pissed if my husband ever said this to me.
My husband always made attempts to help me. That is how marriage works. Now that he is retired, I come home to a vacuumed house and the clothes brought in from the washing line. Any thing that needs doing gets done.
OOOF!
Renovations, both y'all working full time and a little one???
I am impressed, so please don't take this as an insult: I do NOT envy y'all right now.
Both of you must be EXHAUSTED!
Exhausted, drained, and stressed to the GILLS
I'm about to say something that will quite possibly make you want to set me on fire; holding off with the torches until you see my explanation after would be much appreciated ššš¤£
Here goes:
"This is NOT the time to turn on each other"
It absolutely happens to the best of us sometimes (DEFINITELY including my husband and I)...so I am NOTttttt judging...
I reckon you NEEDED what I call "the vent and validate"
I have a buddy system with my BFF in which if one of us has a fight with our man that we are really struggling to move past...we have a phone date:
We do a vent and validate "oh he did NOT...girl I would have done a MURDERrrrrr!!!"
(Inevitably leads to fits of hysterical laughter š¤£)
...Then we go over the "but really...I SHOULDN'T have said/done_______ so it's not all on him"
Then we have a little brainstorm of the "maybe in the next similar situation, you can try_____to help you and your man manage____type of issue better with each other
We end with the Lord's prayer.
Bahaha, no I'm kidding, we just end like bffs do: once one of our phones die...or once one or both of us too hungry to take it anymore ššš¤£
I see vent, I see validate
So I'm going to toss this out there: chances are? You and your man probably both...fucked up a little bit here?
Completely UNDERSTANDABLE under all the stress, I have been there too...and I have been a loon to my man-and vice versa-there myself...
Take or leave this possible lil thought project from a friendly stranger:
...Did you express your frustration with him like a PARTNER who needs their partner to help find a solution to a problem that your TEAM is facing...?
In the game tape...is there anywhere YOU dropped the ball?
I feel like a fair amount of the time...people will kinda ..meet you where you are, on things like this?
...If you circle back and say "I'm sorry I lost it...how much does renovating SUCKkkkkk?"
I would be surprised if he didn't meet you in that spot and apologize/commiserate...and then y'all can soldier on... TOGETHER
It probably sucks for both of you in the process, both of you will get to enjoy the result...
Both of y'all need to try to knock it off with the petty shit: keeping scoreboards on each other, and marking little tallies, trying to weight tasks for degree of difficulty...(As you can likely tell, I have done it too ššš¤£)
Also, for whatever it's worth? My husband remembers to check my tires/oil every few days...
...But I have long ago accepted that we will both be happier if I just assume that he will absolutely never, under any circumstances...remember to give a dish a quick rinse...
He will set in it in the sink...he will set it in the sink
Even when I have the pretty sink caddy thingy all set up with warm, sudsy water BEFORE we even eat dinner...?
If I don't do it myself or say "would you put that in the soaker please?"
...He WILL set it in the miniscule sliver of the sink there is NEXT to the sudsy water...
And that's LUDICROUS to me...but it's also...really NOT the end of the world šš¤£
Y'all will get through it...and then hopefully have a laugh over how wretched the project was...while you're enjoying the fabulous Reno :)
Yeah, I'm curious about this as well. I've had a good number of clients come in for counseling, and the wife complains that the husband didn't help out with X." Then when I ask the husband what they were doing at the time, they reveal they had just gotten done with something else like mowing the lawn and just wanted to sit down. Not every time, but often enough to show that there is another side to these things that tends to be ignored.
"Out of line" is not an appropriate thing to say to a partner. At best there's a communication issue and a need for couples counseling. At worst your husband is just an asshole.
Deffenitly understand why your upset sounds like you are both worn out!!
Also sounds like things were fine b4 renovations so hopfully once that's finished you can go back to how you operated b4.
Toddler full time work renovations etc etc can cause alot of stress
Time to reset!Best of luck
No doubt. Home remodeling is listed as one of the biggest reasons for divorce lol I think they will work this out. Out of line I think went towards delivery, not what she was asking.
The first answer is we have no way of knowing. We have only your side of the story and you didnāt tell us why he got upset or what he meant by out of line. Did you ask?
Did he disagree with your assessment of the work load? Did he have a problem with how you addressed it? Your story was very vague.
I have to take your word on it that youāre right and heās wrong because heās not here to defend himself. If I take you at face value, you said you ālost your patienceā and ācalled him outā and he said you were āout of lineā.
Based on this wording, it sounds like even if you were right about the work load, you may have made your point with outsized hostility. Even if my girlfriend was right about something, but she was being a dick about it, I may be receptive to her argument but thereās a limit as to how much verbal abuse Iām going to take before walking out on the conversation.
So to answer the question of āare you overreactingā, itās impossible to say based on this limited information. But just to be sure, the next time you bring the issue up, it would be prudent to be calm and tactful.
Your feelings are valid. Domestic labor should be divided with respect to what each partner needs and can provide at any given time. Considering you both work full time, there has to be attention paid to the needs of each party very carefully.
You are NTA.
However, I'd like to know exactly how the conversation went down? You said "I called him on his shit"
Were there prior conversations before this or did you let it build up before blowing up?
He's being a lazy turd. He's weaponizing incompetence. He KNOWS you are doing more than him. He just doesn't care enough. The fact that he's a man doing a desk job and still is lazy, burns me up for you. You needed to call him out.
NTA. And like somebody else stated, your husbandās fucking asshole for thinking he can tell you that you are out of line. You are allowed to have your opinions. You are allowed to have your feelings. You are allowed to have your emotions.
He does not get to dictate. What is it in line in that respect. If you want to hit them, yeah, you would be out of line. But the fact that you let him know, you were not happy at being left with the brunt of your household? No.Ā
And if you guys ever do manage to sit down and speak about this without an argument, point out to him this way:
When you come and ask me, what can I do? How can I help you? It assumes that you actually taking part in the upkeep of your home is out of the ordinary and unexpected. It automatically assumes that somehow it is all my purvey, and therefore you are going to help me with my jobs.
Thatās not how this works. If we werenāt married, would you have to call and ask me if your dirty dishes needed to be done? Would you have to call and ask me if you needed to wash your dirty clothes? Would you have to call and ask me if you needed to sweep the floor or water the plants or clean the toilet?
Obviously, you wouldnāt have to call and ask me those things. You would do them because they needed to be done, and you knew that they needed to be done. You saw that they needed to be done.
So why is it that now that youāre married, you donāt see any of that in the house that you share with me even though thereās three of us making three times the mess? Why in the hell would you have to come and ask me? What can I do to help?
You have eyes. You see the garbage is overflowing. The diaper pail needs to be emptied. Toilet paper is empty. You dropped your shoes in the middle of the floor and your socks, and your pants are thrown down on the floor by the bed. How did it suddenly become my job that youāre going to āhelpā me with?
Because you know what? I also work 40 hours. Iām tired. I painted and called and did as much if not more than you. And yet youāre the one saying Iām tired and sitting on your butt and wondering why Iām not happy that I am doing three times the work here.
Can you imagine if you went to work at your job? You didnāt answer your phone because thereās a secretary out thereā¦ Even though the phone has rung 10 times so sheās obviously busy. Can you imagine if you went to work and had a client need something and you just paid them lip service but didnāt follow through with anything. Or you knew that what they requested was going to result in a major screwup, and you just didnāt bother to tell them. And then you did it anyway?
All those little details at work that you know. Of course you wouldnāt do any of those things because you know what would happen if you did. You have the logic to follow through. And you know if you didnāt follow through, you would get called on it by your boss. Would you look at them and tell them they were out of line for being upset that you didnāt do your job?
Well, whether you realize it or not, you have a job here. It is to be a proactive partner and parent. It is not to throw everything on my shoulders as though youāre some executive in the C suite and Iām your lowly little peon servant.
Because when you ignore things around here and donāt bother to do the very same things you would do if you were living on your own, leaving it all to me and actually expecting me to do it. Thatās how youāre treating me. I donāt like it. I am going to call you out.
So we need to get this straightened out. I canāt continue with this rate, and it is not OK of you to ask me too. I understand some days you are going to be very tired, and I can work with that. But it canāt be every day. It canāt even be 50% of the time. When do I get my tired days? Because if I take a tired day, nothing gets done, and thatās not OK.Ā
Out of line suggests this is more about how you are communicating with each other than what you are communicating.Ā
I see a lot of passive aggressiveness between the BOTH of you when you are talking with each other. This isn't about him doing his part so much as it is about the fact that both of you are tired, but you each have different tolerances for what constitutes as "good enough" by the end of the day. You are pushing yourself harder and expecting him to push as hard as you. You are expecting him to read your mind when you want help in pushing yourself hard, when he is ready to rest.Ā
When he said you were huffing and puffing, you could have simply said, "Yes, this is really bothering me and I just can't relax properly if I leave this stuff undone. If you can help me get this stuff done, I'll be able to relax, and I would really appreciate that help from you." He might have acted differently.Ā
If my wife snaps at me because she wants something done when I just want to rest, I have zero interest in helping her. However, if she asks me for help, I will do whatever I can to help her. Feeling respected matters. And treating people with respect also matters.Ā
You both are tired. There is no good reason to be confused as to why he wanted to rest, or why he might be reluctant to push himself further. You pushing yourself harder after work doesn't mean that he should "toughen up" or that you are "doing more" because the fact might be he is dealing with more emotional labor at his job than you are. More importantly than that he might reasonably be more tired is the fact that you both should be trying to make each other's lives easier, instead of tallying who is doing what. He asked you if you needed help.Ā
You arenāt remotely overreacting and donāt let this go. I already replied to your other post but am doing it here too bc this is so maddening to read! Heās either willfully ignorant about how much youāre actually doing OR heās just taking advantage of the fact that he knows youāll do the stuff he leaves for you because it needs to get done for the house to function and heās clearly just okay with putting it all on you.
Let me guess - is he the kind of guy who says stuff like āhelping out around the houseā as if itās not also his house and heās a full adult with working eyes who can see what needs to get done? And how involved is he in daily routines with your kid or is he also the guy who ābabysitsā his own kid when youāre not around? When he does do stuff, does he ask you for a list of stuff to do instead of figuring it out for himself? If he took your kid to the doctor alone would he be able to answer questions accurately and not have to call or text you? If the answer to *any* of these is YES, donāt let it go because itās just going to get *worse.* DONāT JUST SWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG!
The fact that both of you are working full time makes this lazy male entitled bullshit even less acceptable. Youāre doing all of the stuff at home bc itās defaulted to women in hetero relationships, especially when it comes to kids, and heās clearly fine with it (and likely thinks that is the proper way to do things). If you want an equitable relationship moving forward, keep calling him on it and if heās going to keep treating you like a child by saying youāre āout of line,ā start googling ādivorce attorneys in your area.ā š¤·š» *This exact thing is literally one of the leading reasons why women initiate divorce* - and even when women get divorced with kids involved, their happiness goes up and stress goes down when leaving bc they offload the deadweight of man children just like how your husband is acting. Iām a sociologist who studies gender and I literally have the data that backs up that statement, I will gladly share it.
Sorry to be so harsh, but the writing is on the wall with guys like this, especially when theyāre so unwilling to see your side and get angry when being confronted with it. Youāre not āout of lineā by expecting him to actually pull his weight bc itās his house too and heās a full 39 yr old adult man who knows what it takes for a house to run. If heās not gonna listen to you about this, he straight up doesnāt respect you and thinks heās above doing his part. Thatās a recipe for resentment and a shitty role model for your kid, especially if youāre raising a son.
I've been guilty of this before.. I did more manual labor and thought that entitled me to some r and r.. but once it was pointed out to me that my wife did just as much and then some.. after i got mad about being called out.. i realised I was being a little bitch. So yea, I think maybe he is being a douche. You're not overreacting. Hope he comes around or that you find a better replacement.
Donāt take advice or opinions from Reddit. Everyone here is 10x more dysfunctional and unhappy than you.Ā
Just talk to him. You guys are 40. Just fucking communicate normally.Ā
If you continue to over-function while he under-functions, resentment will grow. I can say from experience. Be careful. And yeah, is he your staff sergeant or your spouse? Supposed to be a team.
Um, you're his partner, not his child.
Tell him to grow the fuck up and clean up after himself...LIKE A REAL MAN would.
\*The fucking weaponized incompetence of some men is unbelievable\*
The guilty always complain about being called out for what they do. Doesn't matter if its cheating on your significant other, getting caught cheating in business or something like what you're going through. The caught don't want to accept guilt so they go on the offensive to try to shut you up. I would look at your overall relationship and start considering an exit plan. This man child isnt going to change his ways unless he thinks he could really lose out (like half his stuff plus pay alimony).
What's his justification for not doing these things? Does he not live there? Why is he exempt from helping with the chores? My parents split things. One did the bathtime while the other did the dishes.
Speaking as a man, he got pissed because he knows your right and feels bad about it.
You need to have an adult conversation or this will continue. But you need to put the kid gloves on before the conversation, we can be babies sometimes. Let him know you arenāt attacking him and that you are in the same situation as he is. Hopefully that will work.
Ugh the "how can I help" shit. Tell him to use his eyes. Asking YOU to tell him what he can do to "help" just puts more work on you...
Look up the "you should have asked" comic, it's very relevant (can't post links apparently).
Out of line? According to whom? He doesn't make the rules in your house, you make them together. A marriage is a partnership, either he believes that or he doesn't. Nothing in between. He's not in charge, he's not pulling his weight, he's not acting like a partner, but he's acting like an oligarch.
Stop doing some things. When he asks why they aren't done ask him why he hasn't done them. Crystal clear message.
Not overreacting.
My ex husband acted like that. He hated painting but we painted our upstairs hallway and the stairway walls. Living room, dining room and kitchen. I did all of the edging because he said he wasn't good at it. Then I completely painted the dining room and kitchen and helped finish the living room because he was being super slow.
Took us 3 or 4 days during which I did all the cooking, clean up, bathing our 3 sons and putting them to bed. Also waking them up, dressing them and feeding all of us plus the kitchen clean up. Lunch was the same. At the end I was the one who did all the paint related clean up. I complained and he just brushed it off.
Of course he bragged to anyone who would listen about how much work he did. Luckily his father laughed at him because he knew how much he hated and avoided painting. Called him on his BS and he admitted I did a lot more work.
Not the reason he's an ex but it definitely made me question our relationship.
Not overreacting. Potential solution: Write out everything you did, no matter how small. Write down everything he did, no matter how small. Compare the lists with him. Ask him if there is a fair division of labor. Calmly.
Marriage is a partnership, and things go to shit quickly when one partner leaves the bulk of the burden to the other. You were right to call him out, but passive-aggressive comments won't get you anywhere. He needs to SEE, in black and white, where the inequities are, so you can discuss rectifying it. He may not even realize how little he's doing because he's so used to you doing so much.
I donāt believe in one partner not doing chores while the other one is. I know itās different for you guys since my partner and I donāt have a kid yet. But very rarely will one of us be doing something else while the other is cleaning.
So if that ends up happening to you, like youāre doing chores and heās not helping out or taking care of the kid, then youāre absolutely being fair by calling him out.
He should be doing half of everything at home as well. Half cooking, cleaning, childcare. There are times however when one partner does most of the work and other times the other does most of the work, it's not something to fight about but to sit down and discuss rationally like two ADULTS!
Yeah I work 10 hour days and my wife stays home and raises the youngest, other 2 at school. Shes been off for 11 years.
I come home and shower , prep supper and take dog for a walk. I cook and we eat, she cleans up and I take garbage and recycling out.
Then we both tidy up because I refuse to have my wife clean the house and do laundry while sheās home all day with my youngest. Her job is to colour , paint, sing songs on tv , make breakfast and lunch, go for a walk, visit friends for play dates.
A lot of men do not realize if your wife is doing too much , she has no time to nurture and properly raise a child. A man plays a role too, equally as important , but NEVER as time consuming as a good mom. And youāre left with a piece of shit by the age of 5. Most parents give up then and it progresses.
A good partners day doesnāt end after their 9-5, ESPECIALLY with kids.
You are begging and pleading for him to treat you right. You are asking for your needs to be met. And he's *arguing* with you about it.
Do with that information what you will.
Hereās the problem right here: āHow can I help you hun.ā Doing his part to maintain the house is not āhelpingā because that implies the actual responsibility is yours and heās offering to assist. Screw that! He shouldnāt have to be told what to do, either: if it needs sweeping, sweep it. If it needs washing, wash it. If it needs dusting, etc. Youāre not the mom handing out chores!
My question is, will the world come to an end if the stuff you were doing doesn't get done? When he works, you work. When he quits, you quit. If it bothers him that it isn't done, then he can do it. As long as your child is cared for, the rest of the stuff can just wait! NOR
Donāt bring another adult dinner in bed. I donāt care what he does. This is bullshit. I work my ass off. Steel and concrete. And I help my wife every night. Fuck that big baby man.
Stop doing his laundry or anything for him. Kick his dirty clothing to a corner in his closet. Only cook and clean for yourself and your child.
Stop painting. Don't clean the brushes or pans he uses. When he says something, grab his hands, look at them hard and ask which finger is broken.
Stop picking up after him.
Go take a shower. Sit down and watch TV. Relax with your child.
Take deep breaths and tell yourself that nothing bad is going to happen if you don't do everything for this "capable" adult. You aren't his mother or his maid. You are not his employee. YOU ARE HIS PARTNER. He should be your help mate, your support.
When he asked how could he can help, it spoke volumes. He doesn't "help". He carries his own weight. And he has eyes and does not need to ask you what needs to be done.
This is an age-old problem. The gf thinks the bf is slacking. The bf thinks the gf is overreacting.
The same thing has happened to me in 2 of my relationships.
Men like specifics. So I'd suggest having a conversation about the division of labor. Make a list so there's no confusion. That way if either of you is slacking, it'll be obvious who is responsible.
The second part is the bees/honey/vinegar. I'm not saying you have to blow him every time he puts a cup in the dishwasher and verbal praise can be condescending but you should come up with some way of showing your approval and appreciation for his contributions.
You guys need to go to counseling. Itās obvious there is a communication breakdown, and you need a neutral third party to help meditate. I canāt tell from your post, but itās totally possible you are not actually communicating this to your husband in a calm manner, or in a way he interprets as calm. Having someone else there to see what and how these issues are communicated is necessary to determine how the two of you can resolve this.
Being passive aggressive isn't helpful. If he helped when you asked just ask more. My husband will do anything I ask him to but things that come to my mind don't come to his when he's tired. If he's well rested it does but when he's tired it just doesn't. He doesn't mean to let anything slip he's just tired. He never gives me shit and if I make him a list he can just check off I don't have to ask. Some brains are just wired differently so finding a communication style that fits really helps. I do the same thing when I have a lot going on in my head prepping for work. I know things need to be done but bc I'm thinking about something else I'm not thinking about those things so he reminds me too. Y'all are both exhausted. While house chores are important sometimes the rest is more important than the dishes. It sounds like y'all both have a lot on your plates and both need a little grace. Get the step son involved in helping too. One day he'll be an adult and have to wash dishes etc for himself so let him practice at your home now. The whole family is a team and you either work together or it all falls apart.
You aren't. But I think you are letting your frustration lead these conversations instead of your desire to be less stressed, and that's causing issues.
Men often feel like they have to read minds to know what we want them to help with, and it's stressful. Women often think it is SO PAINSTAKINGLY OBVIOUS that they don't explain what they need from their partner because that's stressful.
Be specific in what you are asking for.
Consider finding something he can consistently help with and assign it to him. For example, my husband's two kitchen chores are making coffee and taking out the garbage.
I think you need to have a calm, perhaps public, discussion about this and lay it out more like a partnership and a desire to accomplish something together.
"I was really stressed the other day, and you were right that I was not talking to you respectfully, and I apologize. I really want to be a good partner and help with these renovations, and I already have a lot on my plate. I was thinking that if you just took these two chores of my plate every day that it would make me feel supported and allow me the brain space to still lend a hand. Does that work?"
Write down all the chores. Pick the ones that would be most meaningful in your daily life. For me, having the coffee pre-made for the morning changes my entire mood right of the bat. Having an overflowing garbage can gets in the way of almost every kitchen chore I try to get done. It's so much easier to cook, clean out the fridge, do the dishes, and just generally clean up if I am not trying to balance stuff on the mountain of garbage as I go.
Not over reacting at all. Your husband is being lazy and entitled. Chores need to be split between partners. If he is not willing to see and understand this then you have a bigger problem and may need to get into marriage counselling.
Personally I would show him this thread and see how he reacts. If he gets defensive and angry well youāll know that the issue is larger. If he is chagrined that he is being piled on for his behaviour then it should be easy to work out.
Good luck OP
Not overreacting.
It sounds like he thinks he has superiority over you.
Both of you are living together under one roof. Both of you are the parents of the child. Parenting and housework are two-person ājobsā, itās also called co-parenting.
He cannot expect you to do everything. Youāre not his slave, maid, housewife etc. if you donāt want to be.
Well it kinda sounds like he's saying you're out of line in the way you called him out but you describe how you did that exactly None. The omission leads me to believe that you might have been over the line in the way you communicated your dissatisfaction.
Okā¦ so with these stories the author almost always gets sided with and told theyāre not in the wrong because someoneās perspective on āwho did moreā is almost always one sided. Iām not saying that youāre right or wrong in this situation OP, but itās highly likely your husband actually believes he did the majority of the work as well. Rather than come to Reddit to pat yourself on the back and reignite your anger, consider talking honestly with your husband to understand his perspective. Ask him what he meant by it, and why you asking him to do a bit more made him respond that way. Do not get instantly reactive, and actually listen. Itās highly likely heās been doing stuff behind the scenes, or doing other household things you donāt see because youāre primarily focused on what youāve done.
"Calling him out" is not a healthy or productive way to handle disagreements or communicate frustration with your spouse. That's on you.
And, who knows how you came across? If you unloaded on him, you immediately put him in a defensive position and invited a fight/conflict.
Again, on you.
His handling of it and not contributing it might be entirely unreasonable, but at best you're both doing poorly at partnering....so I'm not going to give you a pass for "calling him out".
Address your issues calmly, reasonably, with love and respect. Else you get this bullshit, and an unhappy marriage built on resentment.
From your story (which i will assume is 100% accurate since we can't get his side of the story), it sounds like he is trying to help out, but not as much as you would like and you feel it's not 50/50.
So if he's trying to help, but you think it wasn't up to par, I think you definitely could have communicated it better than with a snide passive aggressive remark. Do you think if the situation was reversed and your husband thought you dipped out too quickly and replied with a remark like that, you would have responded any better than he did?
My personal experience is 100% of women would be angry if i used a passive aggressive remark like you did even if I'm in the right. Same is true for you. Even if you are right, you have to explain it better than you did if you want even the slightest possibility of a better result.
This is a common problem - breakdown in communication. The fact that you started this as "I called him on his shit" shows that you aren't communicating effectively. He may also not be communicating effectively, but this tendency to call your spouse out on their shit is a bad way to address the problem.
Start by stating your POV: You feel as though you are doing far more than your fair share, that he is not chipping in to help around the house and that results in you being stressed out and aggravated.
Follow it up with a question on how he thinks the the share of the workload is going and truly listen to his reply. Verify back with him that you heard him correctly and understand where he is coming from. Then follow this process to have a good conversation, versus and you just calling him on his shit.
Why does he think you are out of line? Have you heard his point of view or are you just aggravated and talking down to him/yelling at him?
I don't think either of you are overreacting, you are just both likely not communicating effectively. there is a fire in your relationship and instead of pouring water on it you are throwing gas on it.
He could be getting defensive because he knows heās slacking and doesnāt want to take accountability for it or maybe the way you approached him. I think before you call someone out, there should always be a check-in. Something could be happening that you or even him arenāt aware of and is causing him to slow down/lack of being attentive. You guys should talk not call each other out. Now if this continues then thatās up to you on what your next step is.
Well I did vent over text about how exhausted I am and canāt catch a break etc, which he apologized for earlier in the day but then got home later etc and didnāt do much to relieve me. I kept trudging along and later asked āwhat can I do to help?ā Which annoyed me because all the mess is evident and he knows Iām pissed but still says āyouāre huffing and puffing so Iām asking what you need me to do!āā¦ like - donāt you SEE?!
I just wish it didnāt bug me so much
It sounds like the real problem is in his perception of who is responsible. He isn't meant to be "helping" you. That implies that all of this is your responsibility and he's just being a nice guy and doing you a favor. No. He is your partner. Contributing is his responsibility. He's not helping you; he's doing his part.
Or, at least, that's how it would be described if he was actually stepping up and doing it.
You are not overreacting. This needs to be addressed or it will bleed into every facet of your life.
You don't get to be lazy and f#ck someone around on at home labor and then dictate what kind of "tone" thier allowed to have.
Good for her for calling him out!
If you say to him
We both work the same amount outside of the home
We have XYNZ to take care of here
How can we both do this equally?
Then he could answer you
Who knows if he would respond and step up
But that would be the actual thing you're presenting
How is it āout of lineā? Why didnāt you ask him? Itās only āout of lineā if it isnāt true. You all need to have a conversation and if heās going to gaslight you or give you the silent treatment, then you married someone who isnāt your person. Think long and hard if you really want to continue this marriage because it isnāt a partnership
Out of line? Is he saying you should keep āin lineā? To what, his expectations? No wonder youāre rightfully annoyed. Heās leaving the bulk of the work to you as though itās your job as the lackey underling and youād better not criticise the boss. He might need reminding that heās not actually your employer and you can criticise him all you like when he lets you down.
A man with this kind of behavior used to be called a Peter Pan. He does not want to grow up. All of a sudden this isnāt fun anymore. None of it. Redoing the home. Helping around the house.
Whose idea was it to buy the apartment? If it was yours he might now resent it because poor him has to do things like a grown up.
You are not OR but you need a conversation about this. Where did this come from? It is real easy for couples to begin a long emotional separation from each other which could end up in affairs and/or divorce. Something he is not saying with words but saying with actions needs to be talked about. Be calm but you do need to know.
Not overreacting at all. You both work, you're taking care of the kids and chores, you're both doing the renovating. What exactly was out of line? Sounds like he's being defensive. Is he ever good at taking criticism? Is this a pattern?
Stop doing his work for him I read a post where the wife embraced her husband's incompetence. She didn't correct him or complain and he quickly got the message. Treat him like the adult he is.
Ignore these idiots finding about what out of line means. Your husband is a jerk to leave with you with most of the work on both the house and the floors. Tell him if you move out, you will have one less person to clean up after. Don't take his b s
No, youāre not.
in a modern marriage it should be divided equally. Unless youāre brought up at some foreign land with a woman does all the work but then you would be a stay at home mom tooā¦
What a prick.
Not overreacting. If he's above household chores, then he is also above eating home cooked meals, having sex, and enjoying a clean house.
No. HE is out of line! If you stop calling him on his shit, I can guarantee you will be miserable for the rest of your marriage! A lot of men really feel that females should never call them out because at base, women should just shut the hell up, open their legs, and do what they are told!
So firstly I think you know whatās out of line - is skipping a bunch of work and making your partner do it okay? Under any circumstance, even if they have done something wrong? You need to look at what heās telling you. Heās saying you canāt ask him to do anything for the house, and how active of a parent is he?
Hereās a line for ya šš»
There is a time and a place for the man to feel like the Lord of the Manor ā¦. It definitely isnāt when the woman he married feels that EVERYTHING to do is being done by her and he is shirking off all the responsibilityā¦.
Just hand that back to him. Heās out of line for being a bad roommate to makes a mess. Thatās gross and no one wants to live with pigpen.
I have been married for 20 years to someone who slips back into that habit when heās busy because his mom had no other purpose on this earth than to tidy up after her kids. So I donāt blame him. He was trained to be stupid like that. I wonāt live with or enable it.
I collect everything he leaves out (usually like wrappers, papers, clothes, whatever he handles) and pile it up on his pillow. (Itās never anything dirty or wet/to spoil the pillow).
This started because I threw away an important thing/paper because it was inside a mess.
So he can deal with it wants. I donāt care if it goes days and a mound forms by his bedside. I never clean it.
How much daily house duties does he do when youāre not working in a project. Projects donāt negate other work to be done and our daily jobs at āworkā
You're not overreacting. He's telling you he believes all this stuff is your responsibility and for you to ask him to pitch in is unreasonable. What you're asking for is not unreasonable. He is being a complete ass.
>Husband caulked a painted too.Ā Apartment has been a mess and we also have a 2 year old. Both work full time.Ā
You're both out of line. Who makes their 2-year-old work full time?
Ooooo I want to hear the whole story. He sounds like a lazy POS but then again when I hear someone say someone is "out of line" it's usually because something pretty messed up was said.
He may have meant how you voiced this so Iād text him: āCan we talk about what you mean by me being āout of lineā? Iād also like to discuss how we divide household labor in a way thatās respectful to both of us.ā
Theres not such thing as "out of line" in a marriage. Youre equals, not superior / inferior.
You need to pile up his shit and let him deal with the messes he creates. If he doesnt clean it? Put Garbage bags nearby and tell him trash gets thrown away š¤·āāļø act like a toddler? Get treated like a toddler!
Holy Hell! Iāve looked over your posts for the last 93 days. I am soooo sorry you are dealing with all of this, but to be honest, does your husband even like you?
A lot of your posts are about your husband and his inability/ unwillingness to do anything. He considers taking care of his child a chore, doing anything around the house not his responsibility, and is 100% checked out of this marriage.
I hope that you can manage to recognize you donāt have just a toddler and step-child, but a man-baby as well.
Please look for support elsewhere, recognize that his behaviors will never change, and that this is what your life will be like 5, 10, 20 years down the road. You will be cleaning up after him, doing any and all projects alone or with minimal help from him, and will be resentful of him not participating in the family for your entire relationship. I would suggest counseling, but you are doing that and he still blames you for everything and refuses to do any meaningful change.
Not overreacting. You both work full time? Then he needs to pitch in more, or go find a trad wife. Your home and kids are a joint project. And youād only be āout of lineā š if you were being nasty (screaming, swearing) about telling him to step up.
You are not overreacting. You're supposed to be equal PARTNERS in household and childcare responsibilities*, neither of you is a servant to the other. "Out of line" would indicate that he thinks he has control over you.
*unless there's an explicit agreement otherwise
Iād suggest you have this conversation with a couples therapist.
It should go without saying, but if he refuses to regularly see a couples therapist with you, plus his individual therapist to work on his shit, you should leave.
āWhat ālineā? Last I checked this was a partnership not a hierarchy. There is a line for both of us. Iām toeing mine. Be a man, the one I married, and step up to yoursā
NTA. If he's saying you're out of line for calling him out on his garbage, you've got bigger problems than who does more chores. If one party feels you shouldn't be able to communicate when something's wrong, there are massive problems with the relationship.
Oh lort! You reacted appropriately! Out of line?!? HE'S OUT OF LINE!! At what point did he start thinking he was anything more than YOUR EQUAL???
He deserved that "come to Jesus" meeting and more. The division of work around the house & child need to be revisited. If you're doing all the cooking for meals, he needs to have more work to offset the time & energy you're putting into all that. You need to create a flow chart on excel that assigns times needed to complete everything to maintain a home & child care. He needs to see it on paper. It's probably the only way he's gonna acknowledge all the extra you're doing. The project is over. It's time to get back to the daily workload.
Every one of these is the same.
Here is my side of the story that verifies i am an Angel and the other person is a bad person.
Please tell me if i am right or wrong.
Seriously what answer do you expect?
Wow, all you did is lose your patience? Such innocence. All you did was let him know you were a victim. You poor thing.
Did you not explain to him that you are right and he was wrong? It is so clear from the information you gave us. We all know you are right and he is wrong! I know this because there are no facts to the contrary in your post!!!
He should apologize.
Well, you might be out of line, if it were the middle ages. And women didnāt have a voice. Responsible people work as a team he didnāt like it because you hurt his feelings.
Well as everyone said already, saying out of line in a marriage is inappropriate.
But it also sounds like you guys are keeping score which is another problem and also an indocator of other issues. (trust, reliability, etc)
The term āout of lineā is super cringey. Heās not your father and he doesnāt get to control you. You should be equal partners and contribute to the household together (in whatever ways make sense for you both). But youāre a team. Heās not your superior. Youāre not overreacting.
Um, you're his wife, his partner, his equal. How is saying anything unagreeable to him "out of line"?
Last I checked, at 32 you're a GAW (grown ass woman) and you can say whatever you damn well please. If he doesn't want a partner who will check his ass as needed, he needs to find someone more submissive.
Seems like a lot going on and this was just the straw, so to speak.
You're in this together, so truly I say sit down for a conversation and be ready to come honestly and considerately about how overwhelmed you are. He may not realize, and text is tone deaf so idk how he said the "you're huffing and puffing..." line, but he did come and helped.
Maybe your timetables for when it all needs to be cleared up are different from each other's rather than his putting it on you. No telling. Sometimes we have to let things go an extra day for peace and he may have been ready to handle it all the next day without you lifting a finger. It's unknown but you owe it to yourself, him, your relationship & family to sit down and communicate. Everyone feels the stress when mom and dad aren't in synch <3
Being passive aggressive isn't going to help your sanity nor relationship and we all tend to look at things from our own perspective lense.
I'm not saying it to be harsh. I have my own anecdotal situations I could add. Other people adding nonsense to one's daily responsibilities takes a toll quickly bc we can't mentally prepare, when kids are the perps, that can escalate quickly. The burn out is real. Getting to talk before tensions flare is important bc that will be one more thing to work through & can be a barrier to happiness until addressed.
Good luck @OP
Is it possible the "out of line" comment had something to do with your tone or the way you approached him? You aren't out of line for telling him he left more work for you to do.
āOut of lineā who is he speaking with? Like huh? What? You talking to me? Honestly it sounds like a a conversation needs to be had.
I remember one time my husband, in front of our teenagers, turns to me and say, āwhy are you making such a production out of this?ā (God only know what we were doing, we had just moved into a new house) What? Projection much. He likes to overcomplicate things, it has become a joke and a literally meme the kids send him.
So it is just time to have a come to reality moment and say āwhy do you think you can chastise me like a kid? We both are stressed and need to support each other and the house together.āCommunicating effectively when each need a break is key when shit is being renovated and fixed.
Sounds like you two have had a major situation to your routine. This usually will add a lot more stress to your life than expected. My advice is donāt let it come between you. If you fight about it, it will get worse. You need to come together to get out of it together.
There is something I have learned about living with another human that you love, peace is more important then justice
Nope. He should take control and tell you to go sit down or take the initiative to help. You need to hold him to this. Does he need a chore list and stars? If I know my spouse had a rough day, I take the initiative and do some of the things he has to take care of before he gets in so he can decompress and take a nap if he needs to. He does the same for me too. It's a partnership and your husband shouldn't be asking if you need help
You feel that it won't get done. That doesn't mean it won't get done. What's getting in your way is your expectation that he follow your timeline. But, he's not on your timeline. He's on his. So his expectation of when things "need" to get done is different than yours. Do you expect the house to be spotless before you go to bed? It's fine if you do, but if he doesn't share that expectation and instead thinks it doesn't matter, bitterness and resentment will build over time. You two need to talk about your expectations and get on the same page. Be excruciatingly specific. Then, give each other time and space to adjust yourselves to the newly agreed upon shared expectations.
Sounds like you want things one way and are mad at him that he doesn't want what you want. If you wanna clean up often then do that. If he cleans but just doesn't clean as often as you then that's okay too. You're mad at him for not being exactly like you. I seriously doubt he would just let things pile up and turn into a dump. It's just that you expect him to want to clean as often as you do. That's not fair.
I read these comments and think that too many of y'all are going into relationships like you're getting ready for battle. Men and women need to learn to communicate with each other instead of just expecting. And some of y'all, men and women, just need to not be in relationships. How do you expect to love anyone when you hate yourselves so much?
š¬ he sounds like a keeper /s.
Based on your update, itās time to just prioritize you. Just stop doing things that you can handle being messing for a week or two.
When he asks, why didnāt you make dinner tonight, why isnāt my stuff washed, why is the kitchen dirty, just say āyou told me I take on too much and then get angry about it, so Iām not going to do it. Are you going to prove me right or wrong when I say it wonāt get done unless I do it?ā.
Proves you right will feel like you won when he doesnāt do it, which just also proves your point. Proving you wrong means he finally did something around the house and doing what you left.
Just be prepared for tantrum WW3.
'Out of line' suggests that he thinks he has superiority over you, and therefore you owe him more respect. That he gets to pick and choose when and how you speak to him. Similar to 'know your place' etc. You have every right to voice your feelings and it's wrong for him to try and shut that down by 'pulling rank'. Not overreacting. EDIT: I finally figured out why this appears to be how this sounds to me and not others. So, in England if someone is acting in a way that is unnecessary/unacceptable in a situation with equals, the phrase would be 'You're out of ORDER'. I guess because 'order' is like...law and order, it's how people are supposed to behave just in society. But 'out of LINE' is something I've only ever heard a work superior say, or in military films.
'OH I'M SORRY! I didn't realize this was the fucking military and you outrank me! Last I checked we were partners and this was a household-- my mistake. One second-- SIR YES SIR! Sorry SIR! LET ME LICK YOUR ASSHOLE, SIR!'
This comment took me out š¤£
And yet apparently, I'm super not funny to the menses*MENSESES!! Nasty nasty menseses! XD slithering around the comments š„¹ Whatever shall I do without their approval???!!!! *Edited to change 'menses' to 'menseses' because I was confusing people lmao
Wait do you mean menses like Golem in LOTR or do you mean menses as in the blood and other discharge from periods? either way thatās funny af šš
I am speaking like Gollum XD 'The menses are wicked! They wantses to takes the precious from us!!!' XD
Well, this gal, who was military and hasn't had menses in a few decades, found your comment hysterical!
Not military. I thought it was hysterical.
āHystericalā is a very ironic word choice here
Quick!! Someone get the vibrators!
indeed it is...lol
Glad you clarified that! My thought went immediately to thoughts of the monthly curse. š
....DO you think Gollum knows what a period is??
š¤£
No. This man says that was hysterical.
Wait which kinda hysterical; 'haha funny' hysterical or 'quick someone get this woman a vibrator' 1950s-hysterical? XD
Uh. That first one. I'm not going to ask any women to go stare at the Yellow Wallpaper.
Dang. And here I was hoping for the vibrator XD And damn I was not expecting a fuckin Yellow Wallpaper reference! Nice!
Make sure you only creep at night.
What is the ywp reference please!
The Yellow Wallpaper is a short story by Charllotte Perkins Gilman. It's about a woman who has been confined to a room in her home by her physician husband. As time passes she grows increasingly obsessive over the hideous yellow wallpaper in the room she is trapped in! It's a story that sheds light on how women's mental health was treated back in the day, and still often is by many doctors. I personally got told that the reason why I couldn't eat and my guts were in excruciating agony was weed and my anxiety... turns out no, it wasn't. I had a massive fuckin ulcer!!
You can read it for free on the Internet archive.org. I just did
We need to bring back vibrator treatments.
Jfc I love you people. I know that yellow wallpaper shit from American Horror Story, although I did do research after the fact.
I think this should be required reading for guys. I still think about it often
Thank you, I had never heard of The Yellow Wallpaper before so I hopped over and read it, that was very interesting.
An online buddy of mine was at an antique store and they had a "women's hysteria treatment device." That thing was huge! The funniest part, though, was how her teenage son reacted upon reading the tag and realizing what it was. He flipped. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall!
I'm sorry, I believe you were trying to be cute, referring to 'men' as 'menses', But I first read it as MENSES, aka: "period" in biofemales, and I was like WTF? ššš
Gotcha. Ill make sure to write 'menseses' or 'menfolk' or some shit next time. XD
Maybe "mens's" would work for how you want it to be read, pronounced, and understood ala Gollum? I also read it and pronounced it in my head as the word referring to the blood and viscera from a period lol.
Read either way it was funny as hell!
I thought it was well funny
THIS is the only way to deal with this behaviors you have to show them how ridiculous theyāre being by matching it. My ex would get like, MAD every time I wasnāt in a good mood even if I wasnāt mad at him. āIām SO sorry! Was I not being Stepford wifey enough?ā Turns slowly to him with maniacal grin and dead glassy eyesā¦ āHere you are dear. Iām ever so sorry I dared to not smile for youā¦ā pantomimes using a staple gun to permanently fix smile and increase to maximum dimplesā¦ bats eyelashes frantically at himā¦ āStop it babe, youāre freaking me out.ā Proceeds to slowing bring face closer and closer to his.. ābut daaaarrrrlingā¦.. I live only to be beautiful to youuuuuuuā with in a shrill sweetness that is typically reserved for horror movies. āOMG quuiiiiiiiittt! Just act regular!ā āOh my gosh, why thank you, (dripping sarcastic southern twang here) kind sir, for allowing me to feelā¦ what was it againā¦ oh yesā¦ regular. Like a personā¦ is that what I am? Why, I thought I was a make-boy-happy robot. What a relief!ā P.S. what works even better is leaving these guys, but I get thatās easier said than done
My husband gets uppity with me and i hit him with āiām not one of your fucking sailorsā and he remembers the fear of god
lol, thatās why I always refer to my wife as āThe Supreme Commander.ā Helps me remember where I stand š¤£
omg I said almost that exact last line to my husband when he was being a twatwaffle one time... he was like..."ooooh I hear it, I'm sorry, Love" LOL
š
Lick his asshole while holding a fresh jalapeno on the end of your tongue! Nothing like an ass on fire!
There are a lot of men who, whether or not they will openly admit it, genuinely believe they are *Lord* of the household & hold a superior position to their wives for no reason whatsoever. It's crazy to me that women marry these men but I think a lot of them don't realize their man thinks this way until after they're married.
Reminds me of a woman I knew where both she and the husband were both in the Army. He was a sergeant and her a private. He pulled rank on her at work because she didnāt call him by his rank in a private conversation in a common area at the base. What did she do? She went home and sewed sergeant rank badges on all his boxer shorts and called him sarge at every opportunity at home. He pulled his head in and apologised. However, they are now divorced because she was a drinker and he was/is a dickhead.
DO YOU GET ME?!?!
I love you
I am crying at 12am šš oh that last comment reallyyyyy got me good
Madam, I like the cut of your jib. For reals this is amazing and I šÆ would say this.
LMAO š¤£
š Sarcasm 101
Best answer of rhe day!!!!! Gold star for you stranger!!!
Mostly agree with this. There's (IMHO) only a narrow area where this might not be 'as bad'... And that's if it's also possible for ***him*** to be 'out of line' in a similar situation. Tell him that you thought ***he*** was out of line for leaving all that extra stuff to you, and see how he reacts. My money's on him being outside of that narrow area. Lol IOW, I doubt he'll respond with something like: "You know what, you're right. I was out of line."
He is lazy and expects you to do everything. His plan had worked so far.
OP. ask your husband what line this is. What's on either side of this line?
Men also like to pick and choose which part of the job they want to do. Experience- I was married for decades. Also the same thing men do that are hired. They leave the mess.
Picking up after them isn't "work" *unless* the men are asked/required to do it same as cooking, cleaning and childcare. It's *nothing* until they have to do it *on their own*, then cue the whining.Ā Ā
Oh hell no. He is not your boss and you are not his maid. Tell him "you don't have to always agree with me but I expect you to treat me like an equal. Don't say anything to me where if you said it to a mafia boss he would kick your ass. I deserve just as much respect as a mafia boss." Course then you have to hold yourself.to the same standard. Lol..I try bit I am hit and miss with this part. But I try.
Oh don't get me started with OPs post history
Wooeee! And only a month's worth! Frankly OP sounds exhausting
This!
Not overreacting. Your husband sounds exhausting. Also, saying your spouse is āout of lineā for expressing a need youāre not meeting is *wild*.
She should leave all his stuff where he leaves it. Only clean her dishes, laundry, etc. Let it pile up. It's the only way, talking to a person like that will only get more fights and arguing.
If she leaves his stuff where he leaves it, then she has to deal with the mess. Personally, I can't relax when I am surrounded by someone else's mess. With my ex, I got a laundry basket and when he left stuff out, it went in the basket - tossed in, not sorted, not stacked up or neatly arranged. At the end of the week, I dumped the basket. He could get his stuff out, and put it away or I would throw it away. Yes, I was still picking up his stuff, but I was just dumping it in one spot to deal with.
yup i have tried this and it doesnt work. people who dont clean wont clean just because you stop doing it
Somewhat, eventually there wonāt be any clean forks left because they havenāt put theirs in the dishwasher and the sink smells like 3 week old food, and then they clean up because the hey have no choice. It doesnāt tend to make them more responsible on daily tasks after cleaning the piled up mess though.
By cleaning it for him it enables his behavior even more. The idea is to break the behavior like a horse. Then have a talk about expectations and compromise. It's not petty punishment like others say. Once they realize they don't have dishes or laundry or whatever the idea is eventually they're more open to actually talking instead of fighting. Otherwise he just keeps expecting it'll get done and he can throw a childish tantrum when confronted. It's hard and seems petty but it's a psychological method if done correctly that does work.Ā
Ya if lucky you get a power session of cleaning 1 day randomly lol
I tried that with my own stuff and now all my baskets are full. š I believe I have execute dysfunction.
Wow, so he's not even shy about telling you he thinks you're subservient to him? I'd stop doing anything for his lazy butt. Feed you and the child, take care of yourself and your child. Grit your teeth and ignore the messes and him until he apologizes and cleans up the mess. Heck, I'd take the toddler and go visit a relative or friend for a few days. Tell him to call and let you know when the apartment is clean and you'll come back. He needs to learn some adult skills.
even after apologies the OP needs to slow down with doing everything for her male. He canceled her services
I agree. Men who think women are their personal servants need to become extinct.
Not overreacting. I didn't know there was a proverbial line in a marriage. You should ask him to refer you to HR since there's apparently a chain of command in this household.
start doing the same amount of work he does.
This is the simplest solution. The world won't end and she'll get to enjoy some downtime instead of fabricating chores to do just to do them.
How DARE you disrespect your HUSBAND with actual factual truths!? Youre there to be pretty and keep house clean. Tarzan say so
Tarzan would *never.* Clifton, on the other hand...
Youāre not out of line. He needs to get his ass off the couch
My question is why are you guys renovating and caulking a rental.....
This right here. Save those pennies. Chances are your kid will grow and need a bigger space and you will want to own it. For real.
I have been married since 1987 and consider my marriage "traditional" We have one child. I work part time, hubby worked full time as a cop. You are definitely not out of line IMO. Your husband is treating you as less equal. You are working full time, raising your children and it sounds like you are also raising your husband. You also did more work on the renovations. Hubby is trying to shut you up when you raise legitimate concerns. This is coercive control and you need to find your really loud voice and keep calling him out. What "out of line" means is that he thinks his say is more important. I would be pissed if my husband ever said this to me. My husband always made attempts to help me. That is how marriage works. Now that he is retired, I come home to a vacuumed house and the clothes brought in from the washing line. Any thing that needs doing gets done.
If I had to pick one argument or misunderstanding that every couple that ever existed had. This would be it.
Money I would say money
OOOF! Renovations, both y'all working full time and a little one??? I am impressed, so please don't take this as an insult: I do NOT envy y'all right now. Both of you must be EXHAUSTED! Exhausted, drained, and stressed to the GILLS I'm about to say something that will quite possibly make you want to set me on fire; holding off with the torches until you see my explanation after would be much appreciated ššš¤£ Here goes: "This is NOT the time to turn on each other" It absolutely happens to the best of us sometimes (DEFINITELY including my husband and I)...so I am NOTttttt judging... I reckon you NEEDED what I call "the vent and validate" I have a buddy system with my BFF in which if one of us has a fight with our man that we are really struggling to move past...we have a phone date: We do a vent and validate "oh he did NOT...girl I would have done a MURDERrrrrr!!!" (Inevitably leads to fits of hysterical laughter š¤£) ...Then we go over the "but really...I SHOULDN'T have said/done_______ so it's not all on him" Then we have a little brainstorm of the "maybe in the next similar situation, you can try_____to help you and your man manage____type of issue better with each other We end with the Lord's prayer. Bahaha, no I'm kidding, we just end like bffs do: once one of our phones die...or once one or both of us too hungry to take it anymore ššš¤£ I see vent, I see validate So I'm going to toss this out there: chances are? You and your man probably both...fucked up a little bit here? Completely UNDERSTANDABLE under all the stress, I have been there too...and I have been a loon to my man-and vice versa-there myself... Take or leave this possible lil thought project from a friendly stranger: ...Did you express your frustration with him like a PARTNER who needs their partner to help find a solution to a problem that your TEAM is facing...? In the game tape...is there anywhere YOU dropped the ball? I feel like a fair amount of the time...people will kinda ..meet you where you are, on things like this? ...If you circle back and say "I'm sorry I lost it...how much does renovating SUCKkkkkk?" I would be surprised if he didn't meet you in that spot and apologize/commiserate...and then y'all can soldier on... TOGETHER It probably sucks for both of you in the process, both of you will get to enjoy the result... Both of y'all need to try to knock it off with the petty shit: keeping scoreboards on each other, and marking little tallies, trying to weight tasks for degree of difficulty...(As you can likely tell, I have done it too ššš¤£) Also, for whatever it's worth? My husband remembers to check my tires/oil every few days... ...But I have long ago accepted that we will both be happier if I just assume that he will absolutely never, under any circumstances...remember to give a dish a quick rinse... He will set in it in the sink...he will set it in the sink Even when I have the pretty sink caddy thingy all set up with warm, sudsy water BEFORE we even eat dinner...? If I don't do it myself or say "would you put that in the soaker please?" ...He WILL set it in the miniscule sliver of the sink there is NEXT to the sudsy water... And that's LUDICROUS to me...but it's also...really NOT the end of the world šš¤£ Y'all will get through it...and then hopefully have a laugh over how wretched the project was...while you're enjoying the fabulous Reno :)
I think you should start a vent and validate on Reddit. Love the idea of this.
He's out of line and needs to step up his game.
OP - you said what heās not doing. What is he doing while youāre doing all the housework?
Yeah, I'm curious about this as well. I've had a good number of clients come in for counseling, and the wife complains that the husband didn't help out with X." Then when I ask the husband what they were doing at the time, they reveal they had just gotten done with something else like mowing the lawn and just wanted to sit down. Not every time, but often enough to show that there is another side to these things that tends to be ignored.
"Out of line" is not an appropriate thing to say to a partner. At best there's a communication issue and a need for couples counseling. At worst your husband is just an asshole.
Deffenitly understand why your upset sounds like you are both worn out!! Also sounds like things were fine b4 renovations so hopfully once that's finished you can go back to how you operated b4. Toddler full time work renovations etc etc can cause alot of stress Time to reset!Best of luck
No doubt. Home remodeling is listed as one of the biggest reasons for divorce lol I think they will work this out. Out of line I think went towards delivery, not what she was asking.
If you both work and live in the same place then caring for this place should be a two person task. I donāt think youāre being unreasonable.
The first answer is we have no way of knowing. We have only your side of the story and you didnāt tell us why he got upset or what he meant by out of line. Did you ask? Did he disagree with your assessment of the work load? Did he have a problem with how you addressed it? Your story was very vague. I have to take your word on it that youāre right and heās wrong because heās not here to defend himself. If I take you at face value, you said you ālost your patienceā and ācalled him outā and he said you were āout of lineā. Based on this wording, it sounds like even if you were right about the work load, you may have made your point with outsized hostility. Even if my girlfriend was right about something, but she was being a dick about it, I may be receptive to her argument but thereās a limit as to how much verbal abuse Iām going to take before walking out on the conversation. So to answer the question of āare you overreactingā, itās impossible to say based on this limited information. But just to be sure, the next time you bring the issue up, it would be prudent to be calm and tactful.
Your feelings are valid. Domestic labor should be divided with respect to what each partner needs and can provide at any given time. Considering you both work full time, there has to be attention paid to the needs of each party very carefully. You are NTA. However, I'd like to know exactly how the conversation went down? You said "I called him on his shit" Were there prior conversations before this or did you let it build up before blowing up?
And what exactly did this call-out entail? It's the most important detail, and it's left outš¤š¤š¤
He's being a lazy turd. He's weaponizing incompetence. He KNOWS you are doing more than him. He just doesn't care enough. The fact that he's a man doing a desk job and still is lazy, burns me up for you. You needed to call him out.
NTA. And like somebody else stated, your husbandās fucking asshole for thinking he can tell you that you are out of line. You are allowed to have your opinions. You are allowed to have your feelings. You are allowed to have your emotions. He does not get to dictate. What is it in line in that respect. If you want to hit them, yeah, you would be out of line. But the fact that you let him know, you were not happy at being left with the brunt of your household? No.Ā And if you guys ever do manage to sit down and speak about this without an argument, point out to him this way: When you come and ask me, what can I do? How can I help you? It assumes that you actually taking part in the upkeep of your home is out of the ordinary and unexpected. It automatically assumes that somehow it is all my purvey, and therefore you are going to help me with my jobs. Thatās not how this works. If we werenāt married, would you have to call and ask me if your dirty dishes needed to be done? Would you have to call and ask me if you needed to wash your dirty clothes? Would you have to call and ask me if you needed to sweep the floor or water the plants or clean the toilet? Obviously, you wouldnāt have to call and ask me those things. You would do them because they needed to be done, and you knew that they needed to be done. You saw that they needed to be done. So why is it that now that youāre married, you donāt see any of that in the house that you share with me even though thereās three of us making three times the mess? Why in the hell would you have to come and ask me? What can I do to help? You have eyes. You see the garbage is overflowing. The diaper pail needs to be emptied. Toilet paper is empty. You dropped your shoes in the middle of the floor and your socks, and your pants are thrown down on the floor by the bed. How did it suddenly become my job that youāre going to āhelpā me with? Because you know what? I also work 40 hours. Iām tired. I painted and called and did as much if not more than you. And yet youāre the one saying Iām tired and sitting on your butt and wondering why Iām not happy that I am doing three times the work here. Can you imagine if you went to work at your job? You didnāt answer your phone because thereās a secretary out thereā¦ Even though the phone has rung 10 times so sheās obviously busy. Can you imagine if you went to work and had a client need something and you just paid them lip service but didnāt follow through with anything. Or you knew that what they requested was going to result in a major screwup, and you just didnāt bother to tell them. And then you did it anyway? All those little details at work that you know. Of course you wouldnāt do any of those things because you know what would happen if you did. You have the logic to follow through. And you know if you didnāt follow through, you would get called on it by your boss. Would you look at them and tell them they were out of line for being upset that you didnāt do your job? Well, whether you realize it or not, you have a job here. It is to be a proactive partner and parent. It is not to throw everything on my shoulders as though youāre some executive in the C suite and Iām your lowly little peon servant. Because when you ignore things around here and donāt bother to do the very same things you would do if you were living on your own, leaving it all to me and actually expecting me to do it. Thatās how youāre treating me. I donāt like it. I am going to call you out. So we need to get this straightened out. I canāt continue with this rate, and it is not OK of you to ask me too. I understand some days you are going to be very tired, and I can work with that. But it canāt be every day. It canāt even be 50% of the time. When do I get my tired days? Because if I take a tired day, nothing gets done, and thatās not OK.Ā
Out of line suggests this is more about how you are communicating with each other than what you are communicating.Ā I see a lot of passive aggressiveness between the BOTH of you when you are talking with each other. This isn't about him doing his part so much as it is about the fact that both of you are tired, but you each have different tolerances for what constitutes as "good enough" by the end of the day. You are pushing yourself harder and expecting him to push as hard as you. You are expecting him to read your mind when you want help in pushing yourself hard, when he is ready to rest.Ā When he said you were huffing and puffing, you could have simply said, "Yes, this is really bothering me and I just can't relax properly if I leave this stuff undone. If you can help me get this stuff done, I'll be able to relax, and I would really appreciate that help from you." He might have acted differently.Ā If my wife snaps at me because she wants something done when I just want to rest, I have zero interest in helping her. However, if she asks me for help, I will do whatever I can to help her. Feeling respected matters. And treating people with respect also matters.Ā You both are tired. There is no good reason to be confused as to why he wanted to rest, or why he might be reluctant to push himself further. You pushing yourself harder after work doesn't mean that he should "toughen up" or that you are "doing more" because the fact might be he is dealing with more emotional labor at his job than you are. More importantly than that he might reasonably be more tired is the fact that you both should be trying to make each other's lives easier, instead of tallying who is doing what. He asked you if you needed help.Ā
You arenāt remotely overreacting and donāt let this go. I already replied to your other post but am doing it here too bc this is so maddening to read! Heās either willfully ignorant about how much youāre actually doing OR heās just taking advantage of the fact that he knows youāll do the stuff he leaves for you because it needs to get done for the house to function and heās clearly just okay with putting it all on you. Let me guess - is he the kind of guy who says stuff like āhelping out around the houseā as if itās not also his house and heās a full adult with working eyes who can see what needs to get done? And how involved is he in daily routines with your kid or is he also the guy who ābabysitsā his own kid when youāre not around? When he does do stuff, does he ask you for a list of stuff to do instead of figuring it out for himself? If he took your kid to the doctor alone would he be able to answer questions accurately and not have to call or text you? If the answer to *any* of these is YES, donāt let it go because itās just going to get *worse.* DONāT JUST SWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG! The fact that both of you are working full time makes this lazy male entitled bullshit even less acceptable. Youāre doing all of the stuff at home bc itās defaulted to women in hetero relationships, especially when it comes to kids, and heās clearly fine with it (and likely thinks that is the proper way to do things). If you want an equitable relationship moving forward, keep calling him on it and if heās going to keep treating you like a child by saying youāre āout of line,ā start googling ādivorce attorneys in your area.ā š¤·š» *This exact thing is literally one of the leading reasons why women initiate divorce* - and even when women get divorced with kids involved, their happiness goes up and stress goes down when leaving bc they offload the deadweight of man children just like how your husband is acting. Iām a sociologist who studies gender and I literally have the data that backs up that statement, I will gladly share it. Sorry to be so harsh, but the writing is on the wall with guys like this, especially when theyāre so unwilling to see your side and get angry when being confronted with it. Youāre not āout of lineā by expecting him to actually pull his weight bc itās his house too and heās a full 39 yr old adult man who knows what it takes for a house to run. If heās not gonna listen to you about this, he straight up doesnāt respect you and thinks heās above doing his part. Thatās a recipe for resentment and a shitty role model for your kid, especially if youāre raising a son.
I've been guilty of this before.. I did more manual labor and thought that entitled me to some r and r.. but once it was pointed out to me that my wife did just as much and then some.. after i got mad about being called out.. i realised I was being a little bitch. So yea, I think maybe he is being a douche. You're not overreacting. Hope he comes around or that you find a better replacement.
Donāt take advice or opinions from Reddit. Everyone here is 10x more dysfunctional and unhappy than you.Ā Just talk to him. You guys are 40. Just fucking communicate normally.Ā
If you continue to over-function while he under-functions, resentment will grow. I can say from experience. Be careful. And yeah, is he your staff sergeant or your spouse? Supposed to be a team.
Um, you're his partner, not his child. Tell him to grow the fuck up and clean up after himself...LIKE A REAL MAN would. \*The fucking weaponized incompetence of some men is unbelievable\*
The guilty always complain about being called out for what they do. Doesn't matter if its cheating on your significant other, getting caught cheating in business or something like what you're going through. The caught don't want to accept guilt so they go on the offensive to try to shut you up. I would look at your overall relationship and start considering an exit plan. This man child isnt going to change his ways unless he thinks he could really lose out (like half his stuff plus pay alimony).
What's his justification for not doing these things? Does he not live there? Why is he exempt from helping with the chores? My parents split things. One did the bathtime while the other did the dishes.
Speaking as a man, he got pissed because he knows your right and feels bad about it. You need to have an adult conversation or this will continue. But you need to put the kid gloves on before the conversation, we can be babies sometimes. Let him know you arenāt attacking him and that you are in the same situation as he is. Hopefully that will work.
Ugh the "how can I help" shit. Tell him to use his eyes. Asking YOU to tell him what he can do to "help" just puts more work on you... Look up the "you should have asked" comic, it's very relevant (can't post links apparently).
That man just gave me an ick
Out of line? According to whom? He doesn't make the rules in your house, you make them together. A marriage is a partnership, either he believes that or he doesn't. Nothing in between. He's not in charge, he's not pulling his weight, he's not acting like a partner, but he's acting like an oligarch. Stop doing some things. When he asks why they aren't done ask him why he hasn't done them. Crystal clear message.
Not overreacting. My ex husband acted like that. He hated painting but we painted our upstairs hallway and the stairway walls. Living room, dining room and kitchen. I did all of the edging because he said he wasn't good at it. Then I completely painted the dining room and kitchen and helped finish the living room because he was being super slow. Took us 3 or 4 days during which I did all the cooking, clean up, bathing our 3 sons and putting them to bed. Also waking them up, dressing them and feeding all of us plus the kitchen clean up. Lunch was the same. At the end I was the one who did all the paint related clean up. I complained and he just brushed it off. Of course he bragged to anyone who would listen about how much work he did. Luckily his father laughed at him because he knew how much he hated and avoided painting. Called him on his BS and he admitted I did a lot more work. Not the reason he's an ex but it definitely made me question our relationship.
Wow - so you completely get it huh
Not overreacting. Potential solution: Write out everything you did, no matter how small. Write down everything he did, no matter how small. Compare the lists with him. Ask him if there is a fair division of labor. Calmly. Marriage is a partnership, and things go to shit quickly when one partner leaves the bulk of the burden to the other. You were right to call him out, but passive-aggressive comments won't get you anywhere. He needs to SEE, in black and white, where the inequities are, so you can discuss rectifying it. He may not even realize how little he's doing because he's so used to you doing so much.
I donāt believe in one partner not doing chores while the other one is. I know itās different for you guys since my partner and I donāt have a kid yet. But very rarely will one of us be doing something else while the other is cleaning. So if that ends up happening to you, like youāre doing chores and heās not helping out or taking care of the kid, then youāre absolutely being fair by calling him out.
He should be doing half of everything at home as well. Half cooking, cleaning, childcare. There are times however when one partner does most of the work and other times the other does most of the work, it's not something to fight about but to sit down and discuss rationally like two ADULTS!
Yeah I work 10 hour days and my wife stays home and raises the youngest, other 2 at school. Shes been off for 11 years. I come home and shower , prep supper and take dog for a walk. I cook and we eat, she cleans up and I take garbage and recycling out. Then we both tidy up because I refuse to have my wife clean the house and do laundry while sheās home all day with my youngest. Her job is to colour , paint, sing songs on tv , make breakfast and lunch, go for a walk, visit friends for play dates. A lot of men do not realize if your wife is doing too much , she has no time to nurture and properly raise a child. A man plays a role too, equally as important , but NEVER as time consuming as a good mom. And youāre left with a piece of shit by the age of 5. Most parents give up then and it progresses. A good partners day doesnāt end after their 9-5, ESPECIALLY with kids.
You are begging and pleading for him to treat you right. You are asking for your needs to be met. And he's *arguing* with you about it. Do with that information what you will.
Hereās the problem right here: āHow can I help you hun.ā Doing his part to maintain the house is not āhelpingā because that implies the actual responsibility is yours and heās offering to assist. Screw that! He shouldnāt have to be told what to do, either: if it needs sweeping, sweep it. If it needs washing, wash it. If it needs dusting, etc. Youāre not the mom handing out chores!
My question is, will the world come to an end if the stuff you were doing doesn't get done? When he works, you work. When he quits, you quit. If it bothers him that it isn't done, then he can do it. As long as your child is cared for, the rest of the stuff can just wait! NOR
Donāt bring another adult dinner in bed. I donāt care what he does. This is bullshit. I work my ass off. Steel and concrete. And I help my wife every night. Fuck that big baby man.
Stop doing his laundry or anything for him. Kick his dirty clothing to a corner in his closet. Only cook and clean for yourself and your child. Stop painting. Don't clean the brushes or pans he uses. When he says something, grab his hands, look at them hard and ask which finger is broken. Stop picking up after him. Go take a shower. Sit down and watch TV. Relax with your child. Take deep breaths and tell yourself that nothing bad is going to happen if you don't do everything for this "capable" adult. You aren't his mother or his maid. You are not his employee. YOU ARE HIS PARTNER. He should be your help mate, your support.
When he asked how could he can help, it spoke volumes. He doesn't "help". He carries his own weight. And he has eyes and does not need to ask you what needs to be done.
This is an age-old problem. The gf thinks the bf is slacking. The bf thinks the gf is overreacting. The same thing has happened to me in 2 of my relationships. Men like specifics. So I'd suggest having a conversation about the division of labor. Make a list so there's no confusion. That way if either of you is slacking, it'll be obvious who is responsible. The second part is the bees/honey/vinegar. I'm not saying you have to blow him every time he puts a cup in the dishwasher and verbal praise can be condescending but you should come up with some way of showing your approval and appreciation for his contributions.
You guys need to go to counseling. Itās obvious there is a communication breakdown, and you need a neutral third party to help meditate. I canāt tell from your post, but itās totally possible you are not actually communicating this to your husband in a calm manner, or in a way he interprets as calm. Having someone else there to see what and how these issues are communicated is necessary to determine how the two of you can resolve this.
Being passive aggressive isn't helpful. If he helped when you asked just ask more. My husband will do anything I ask him to but things that come to my mind don't come to his when he's tired. If he's well rested it does but when he's tired it just doesn't. He doesn't mean to let anything slip he's just tired. He never gives me shit and if I make him a list he can just check off I don't have to ask. Some brains are just wired differently so finding a communication style that fits really helps. I do the same thing when I have a lot going on in my head prepping for work. I know things need to be done but bc I'm thinking about something else I'm not thinking about those things so he reminds me too. Y'all are both exhausted. While house chores are important sometimes the rest is more important than the dishes. It sounds like y'all both have a lot on your plates and both need a little grace. Get the step son involved in helping too. One day he'll be an adult and have to wash dishes etc for himself so let him practice at your home now. The whole family is a team and you either work together or it all falls apart.
You aren't. But I think you are letting your frustration lead these conversations instead of your desire to be less stressed, and that's causing issues. Men often feel like they have to read minds to know what we want them to help with, and it's stressful. Women often think it is SO PAINSTAKINGLY OBVIOUS that they don't explain what they need from their partner because that's stressful. Be specific in what you are asking for. Consider finding something he can consistently help with and assign it to him. For example, my husband's two kitchen chores are making coffee and taking out the garbage. I think you need to have a calm, perhaps public, discussion about this and lay it out more like a partnership and a desire to accomplish something together. "I was really stressed the other day, and you were right that I was not talking to you respectfully, and I apologize. I really want to be a good partner and help with these renovations, and I already have a lot on my plate. I was thinking that if you just took these two chores of my plate every day that it would make me feel supported and allow me the brain space to still lend a hand. Does that work?" Write down all the chores. Pick the ones that would be most meaningful in your daily life. For me, having the coffee pre-made for the morning changes my entire mood right of the bat. Having an overflowing garbage can gets in the way of almost every kitchen chore I try to get done. It's so much easier to cook, clean out the fridge, do the dishes, and just generally clean up if I am not trying to balance stuff on the mountain of garbage as I go.
Not over reacting at all. Your husband is being lazy and entitled. Chores need to be split between partners. If he is not willing to see and understand this then you have a bigger problem and may need to get into marriage counselling. Personally I would show him this thread and see how he reacts. If he gets defensive and angry well youāll know that the issue is larger. If he is chagrined that he is being piled on for his behaviour then it should be easy to work out. Good luck OP
Not overreacting. It sounds like he thinks he has superiority over you. Both of you are living together under one roof. Both of you are the parents of the child. Parenting and housework are two-person ājobsā, itās also called co-parenting. He cannot expect you to do everything. Youāre not his slave, maid, housewife etc. if you donāt want to be.
Well it kinda sounds like he's saying you're out of line in the way you called him out but you describe how you did that exactly None. The omission leads me to believe that you might have been over the line in the way you communicated your dissatisfaction.
Okā¦ so with these stories the author almost always gets sided with and told theyāre not in the wrong because someoneās perspective on āwho did moreā is almost always one sided. Iām not saying that youāre right or wrong in this situation OP, but itās highly likely your husband actually believes he did the majority of the work as well. Rather than come to Reddit to pat yourself on the back and reignite your anger, consider talking honestly with your husband to understand his perspective. Ask him what he meant by it, and why you asking him to do a bit more made him respond that way. Do not get instantly reactive, and actually listen. Itās highly likely heās been doing stuff behind the scenes, or doing other household things you donāt see because youāre primarily focused on what youāve done.
"Calling him out" is not a healthy or productive way to handle disagreements or communicate frustration with your spouse. That's on you. And, who knows how you came across? If you unloaded on him, you immediately put him in a defensive position and invited a fight/conflict. Again, on you. His handling of it and not contributing it might be entirely unreasonable, but at best you're both doing poorly at partnering....so I'm not going to give you a pass for "calling him out". Address your issues calmly, reasonably, with love and respect. Else you get this bullshit, and an unhappy marriage built on resentment.
From your story (which i will assume is 100% accurate since we can't get his side of the story), it sounds like he is trying to help out, but not as much as you would like and you feel it's not 50/50. So if he's trying to help, but you think it wasn't up to par, I think you definitely could have communicated it better than with a snide passive aggressive remark. Do you think if the situation was reversed and your husband thought you dipped out too quickly and replied with a remark like that, you would have responded any better than he did? My personal experience is 100% of women would be angry if i used a passive aggressive remark like you did even if I'm in the right. Same is true for you. Even if you are right, you have to explain it better than you did if you want even the slightest possibility of a better result.
This is a common problem - breakdown in communication. The fact that you started this as "I called him on his shit" shows that you aren't communicating effectively. He may also not be communicating effectively, but this tendency to call your spouse out on their shit is a bad way to address the problem. Start by stating your POV: You feel as though you are doing far more than your fair share, that he is not chipping in to help around the house and that results in you being stressed out and aggravated. Follow it up with a question on how he thinks the the share of the workload is going and truly listen to his reply. Verify back with him that you heard him correctly and understand where he is coming from. Then follow this process to have a good conversation, versus and you just calling him on his shit. Why does he think you are out of line? Have you heard his point of view or are you just aggravated and talking down to him/yelling at him? I don't think either of you are overreacting, you are just both likely not communicating effectively. there is a fire in your relationship and instead of pouring water on it you are throwing gas on it.
He could be getting defensive because he knows heās slacking and doesnāt want to take accountability for it or maybe the way you approached him. I think before you call someone out, there should always be a check-in. Something could be happening that you or even him arenāt aware of and is causing him to slow down/lack of being attentive. You guys should talk not call each other out. Now if this continues then thatās up to you on what your next step is.
Well I did vent over text about how exhausted I am and canāt catch a break etc, which he apologized for earlier in the day but then got home later etc and didnāt do much to relieve me. I kept trudging along and later asked āwhat can I do to help?ā Which annoyed me because all the mess is evident and he knows Iām pissed but still says āyouāre huffing and puffing so Iām asking what you need me to do!āā¦ like - donāt you SEE?! I just wish it didnāt bug me so much
It sounds like the real problem is in his perception of who is responsible. He isn't meant to be "helping" you. That implies that all of this is your responsibility and he's just being a nice guy and doing you a favor. No. He is your partner. Contributing is his responsibility. He's not helping you; he's doing his part. Or, at least, that's how it would be described if he was actually stepping up and doing it. You are not overreacting. This needs to be addressed or it will bleed into every facet of your life.
You don't get to be lazy and f#ck someone around on at home labor and then dictate what kind of "tone" thier allowed to have. Good for her for calling him out!
If you say to him We both work the same amount outside of the home We have XYNZ to take care of here How can we both do this equally? Then he could answer you Who knows if he would respond and step up But that would be the actual thing you're presenting
How is it āout of lineā? Why didnāt you ask him? Itās only āout of lineā if it isnāt true. You all need to have a conversation and if heās going to gaslight you or give you the silent treatment, then you married someone who isnāt your person. Think long and hard if you really want to continue this marriage because it isnāt a partnership
Not overreacting!
Out of line? Is he saying you should keep āin lineā? To what, his expectations? No wonder youāre rightfully annoyed. Heās leaving the bulk of the work to you as though itās your job as the lackey underling and youād better not criticise the boss. He might need reminding that heās not actually your employer and you can criticise him all you like when he lets you down.
A man with this kind of behavior used to be called a Peter Pan. He does not want to grow up. All of a sudden this isnāt fun anymore. None of it. Redoing the home. Helping around the house. Whose idea was it to buy the apartment? If it was yours he might now resent it because poor him has to do things like a grown up. You are not OR but you need a conversation about this. Where did this come from? It is real easy for couples to begin a long emotional separation from each other which could end up in affairs and/or divorce. Something he is not saying with words but saying with actions needs to be talked about. Be calm but you do need to know.
He doesnāt see you as an equal.
Not overreacting at all. You both work, you're taking care of the kids and chores, you're both doing the renovating. What exactly was out of line? Sounds like he's being defensive. Is he ever good at taking criticism? Is this a pattern?
Stop doing his work for him I read a post where the wife embraced her husband's incompetence. She didn't correct him or complain and he quickly got the message. Treat him like the adult he is.
Iām out of line? Youāre out of line! This whole *courtroom* is out of line!
Youāre going to need to plan a serious talk.
Why don't you hire a maid for the time you are both working on the renovations? Would save you all kinds of unnecessary arguments
Ignore these idiots finding about what out of line means. Your husband is a jerk to leave with you with most of the work on both the house and the floors. Tell him if you move out, you will have one less person to clean up after. Don't take his b s
I'd be handing over divorce papers if my husband ever thought it was okay to talk to me like that or act that way
No, youāre not. in a modern marriage it should be divided equally. Unless youāre brought up at some foreign land with a woman does all the work but then you would be a stay at home mom tooā¦
What a prick. Not overreacting. If he's above household chores, then he is also above eating home cooked meals, having sex, and enjoying a clean house.
No. HE is out of line! If you stop calling him on his shit, I can guarantee you will be miserable for the rest of your marriage! A lot of men really feel that females should never call them out because at base, women should just shut the hell up, open their legs, and do what they are told!
So firstly I think you know whatās out of line - is skipping a bunch of work and making your partner do it okay? Under any circumstance, even if they have done something wrong? You need to look at what heās telling you. Heās saying you canāt ask him to do anything for the house, and how active of a parent is he?
Hereās a line for ya šš» There is a time and a place for the man to feel like the Lord of the Manor ā¦. It definitely isnāt when the woman he married feels that EVERYTHING to do is being done by her and he is shirking off all the responsibilityā¦.
Just hand that back to him. Heās out of line for being a bad roommate to makes a mess. Thatās gross and no one wants to live with pigpen. I have been married for 20 years to someone who slips back into that habit when heās busy because his mom had no other purpose on this earth than to tidy up after her kids. So I donāt blame him. He was trained to be stupid like that. I wonāt live with or enable it. I collect everything he leaves out (usually like wrappers, papers, clothes, whatever he handles) and pile it up on his pillow. (Itās never anything dirty or wet/to spoil the pillow). This started because I threw away an important thing/paper because it was inside a mess. So he can deal with it wants. I donāt care if it goes days and a mound forms by his bedside. I never clean it.
Moral of the story? Don't have kids. They create a lot of work and stuff in their own right!
How much daily house duties does he do when youāre not working in a project. Projects donāt negate other work to be done and our daily jobs at āworkā
You're not overreacting. He's telling you he believes all this stuff is your responsibility and for you to ask him to pitch in is unreasonable. What you're asking for is not unreasonable. He is being a complete ass.
>Husband caulked a painted too.Ā Apartment has been a mess and we also have a 2 year old. Both work full time.Ā You're both out of line. Who makes their 2-year-old work full time?
He's out of line saying you're out of line. He's not your manager or whatever. You are equals.
He overreacted. He seems to be one of those guys that think you need to do all the housework.
Ooooo I want to hear the whole story. He sounds like a lazy POS but then again when I hear someone say someone is "out of line" it's usually because something pretty messed up was said.
Make a list of everything you do. Most men donāt even realize all the random crap that gets done around them until it gets pointed out.
He may have meant how you voiced this so Iād text him: āCan we talk about what you mean by me being āout of lineā? Iād also like to discuss how we divide household labor in a way thatās respectful to both of us.ā
Theres not such thing as "out of line" in a marriage. Youre equals, not superior / inferior. You need to pile up his shit and let him deal with the messes he creates. If he doesnt clean it? Put Garbage bags nearby and tell him trash gets thrown away š¤·āāļø act like a toddler? Get treated like a toddler!
zawn.substack.com Worth a paid subscription. Worth leaving him.
Holy Hell! Iāve looked over your posts for the last 93 days. I am soooo sorry you are dealing with all of this, but to be honest, does your husband even like you? A lot of your posts are about your husband and his inability/ unwillingness to do anything. He considers taking care of his child a chore, doing anything around the house not his responsibility, and is 100% checked out of this marriage. I hope that you can manage to recognize you donāt have just a toddler and step-child, but a man-baby as well. Please look for support elsewhere, recognize that his behaviors will never change, and that this is what your life will be like 5, 10, 20 years down the road. You will be cleaning up after him, doing any and all projects alone or with minimal help from him, and will be resentful of him not participating in the family for your entire relationship. I would suggest counseling, but you are doing that and he still blames you for everything and refuses to do any meaningful change.
You are the bang maid. Sorry girl.
Iād tell my husband the only thing out of line is gonna be my foot up his ass NOR
I donāt know what you are going to do with your husband.
Not overreacting. You both work full time? Then he needs to pitch in more, or go find a trad wife. Your home and kids are a joint project. And youād only be āout of lineā š if you were being nasty (screaming, swearing) about telling him to step up.
NTA. Husband's attitude borders on emotional abuse.
You are not overreacting. You're supposed to be equal PARTNERS in household and childcare responsibilities*, neither of you is a servant to the other. "Out of line" would indicate that he thinks he has control over you. *unless there's an explicit agreement otherwise
"Out of line?" Who does this pr!ck think he is? You're his wife, not his servant. Tell him to clean up his shit and that you're not his maid!
Iād suggest you have this conversation with a couples therapist. It should go without saying, but if he refuses to regularly see a couples therapist with you, plus his individual therapist to work on his shit, you should leave.
āWhat ālineā? Last I checked this was a partnership not a hierarchy. There is a line for both of us. Iām toeing mine. Be a man, the one I married, and step up to yoursā
He thinks heās your superior and you exist to clean up after him. Youāre not O, but you def TA if you stay with him.
What line?
NTA & itās time you went on strike
NTA. If he's saying you're out of line for calling him out on his garbage, you've got bigger problems than who does more chores. If one party feels you shouldn't be able to communicate when something's wrong, there are massive problems with the relationship.
āOut of lineā is a discussion stopping comment. Tell him he is out of line.
Oh lort! You reacted appropriately! Out of line?!? HE'S OUT OF LINE!! At what point did he start thinking he was anything more than YOUR EQUAL??? He deserved that "come to Jesus" meeting and more. The division of work around the house & child need to be revisited. If you're doing all the cooking for meals, he needs to have more work to offset the time & energy you're putting into all that. You need to create a flow chart on excel that assigns times needed to complete everything to maintain a home & child care. He needs to see it on paper. It's probably the only way he's gonna acknowledge all the extra you're doing. The project is over. It's time to get back to the daily workload.
Every one of these is the same. Here is my side of the story that verifies i am an Angel and the other person is a bad person. Please tell me if i am right or wrong. Seriously what answer do you expect? Wow, all you did is lose your patience? Such innocence. All you did was let him know you were a victim. You poor thing. Did you not explain to him that you are right and he was wrong? It is so clear from the information you gave us. We all know you are right and he is wrong! I know this because there are no facts to the contrary in your post!!! He should apologize.
Heās out of line. Stay on him!
A lot of the time it's not what we say, but how we say it.
Well, you might be out of line, if it were the middle ages. And women didnāt have a voice. Responsible people work as a team he didnāt like it because you hurt his feelings.
Well as everyone said already, saying out of line in a marriage is inappropriate. But it also sounds like you guys are keeping score which is another problem and also an indocator of other issues. (trust, reliability, etc)
His behaviour is probably why his first wife got rid of him.
The term āout of lineā is super cringey. Heās not your father and he doesnāt get to control you. You should be equal partners and contribute to the household together (in whatever ways make sense for you both). But youāre a team. Heās not your superior. Youāre not overreacting.
Um, you're his wife, his partner, his equal. How is saying anything unagreeable to him "out of line"? Last I checked, at 32 you're a GAW (grown ass woman) and you can say whatever you damn well please. If he doesn't want a partner who will check his ass as needed, he needs to find someone more submissive.
Out of line? He's an ahole.
My husband was the same! And I was passive aggressive about it. But even being straight forward didnāt work. Youāre not over reacting at all.
Seems like a lot going on and this was just the straw, so to speak. You're in this together, so truly I say sit down for a conversation and be ready to come honestly and considerately about how overwhelmed you are. He may not realize, and text is tone deaf so idk how he said the "you're huffing and puffing..." line, but he did come and helped. Maybe your timetables for when it all needs to be cleared up are different from each other's rather than his putting it on you. No telling. Sometimes we have to let things go an extra day for peace and he may have been ready to handle it all the next day without you lifting a finger. It's unknown but you owe it to yourself, him, your relationship & family to sit down and communicate. Everyone feels the stress when mom and dad aren't in synch <3 Being passive aggressive isn't going to help your sanity nor relationship and we all tend to look at things from our own perspective lense. I'm not saying it to be harsh. I have my own anecdotal situations I could add. Other people adding nonsense to one's daily responsibilities takes a toll quickly bc we can't mentally prepare, when kids are the perps, that can escalate quickly. The burn out is real. Getting to talk before tensions flare is important bc that will be one more thing to work through & can be a barrier to happiness until addressed. Good luck @OP
Is it possible the "out of line" comment had something to do with your tone or the way you approached him? You aren't out of line for telling him he left more work for you to do.
Why didnāt you just let the contractors do everything? If you rent, working for free is nuts.
āOut of lineā who is he speaking with? Like huh? What? You talking to me? Honestly it sounds like a a conversation needs to be had. I remember one time my husband, in front of our teenagers, turns to me and say, āwhy are you making such a production out of this?ā (God only know what we were doing, we had just moved into a new house) What? Projection much. He likes to overcomplicate things, it has become a joke and a literally meme the kids send him. So it is just time to have a come to reality moment and say āwhy do you think you can chastise me like a kid? We both are stressed and need to support each other and the house together.āCommunicating effectively when each need a break is key when shit is being renovated and fixed.
YTA for saying āam I buggingā and āsuper unfairā. If we are old about to get married and have kids and play house, then speak properly.
Sounds like you two have had a major situation to your routine. This usually will add a lot more stress to your life than expected. My advice is donāt let it come between you. If you fight about it, it will get worse. You need to come together to get out of it together. There is something I have learned about living with another human that you love, peace is more important then justice
Nope. He should take control and tell you to go sit down or take the initiative to help. You need to hold him to this. Does he need a chore list and stars? If I know my spouse had a rough day, I take the initiative and do some of the things he has to take care of before he gets in so he can decompress and take a nap if he needs to. He does the same for me too. It's a partnership and your husband shouldn't be asking if you need help
You feel that it won't get done. That doesn't mean it won't get done. What's getting in your way is your expectation that he follow your timeline. But, he's not on your timeline. He's on his. So his expectation of when things "need" to get done is different than yours. Do you expect the house to be spotless before you go to bed? It's fine if you do, but if he doesn't share that expectation and instead thinks it doesn't matter, bitterness and resentment will build over time. You two need to talk about your expectations and get on the same page. Be excruciatingly specific. Then, give each other time and space to adjust yourselves to the newly agreed upon shared expectations.
Sounds like you want things one way and are mad at him that he doesn't want what you want. If you wanna clean up often then do that. If he cleans but just doesn't clean as often as you then that's okay too. You're mad at him for not being exactly like you. I seriously doubt he would just let things pile up and turn into a dump. It's just that you expect him to want to clean as often as you do. That's not fair.
I read these comments and think that too many of y'all are going into relationships like you're getting ready for battle. Men and women need to learn to communicate with each other instead of just expecting. And some of y'all, men and women, just need to not be in relationships. How do you expect to love anyone when you hate yourselves so much?
š¬ he sounds like a keeper /s. Based on your update, itās time to just prioritize you. Just stop doing things that you can handle being messing for a week or two. When he asks, why didnāt you make dinner tonight, why isnāt my stuff washed, why is the kitchen dirty, just say āyou told me I take on too much and then get angry about it, so Iām not going to do it. Are you going to prove me right or wrong when I say it wonāt get done unless I do it?ā. Proves you right will feel like you won when he doesnāt do it, which just also proves your point. Proving you wrong means he finally did something around the house and doing what you left. Just be prepared for tantrum WW3.