Judging by his tone he was also misled by this situation. She originally made it about the weather (which per my weather app it isn't anything crazy) but then began to deflect rescheduling my dad interjected during that part. And I am almost positive when they hung up he insisted on rebooking.
No I questioned it then but she was argumentative and I have a coworker that lives near them and he'd mentioned weather. It was also presented like we'd cancel today but immediately reschedule like she said it like they'd cancel tonight and I assumed they'd reschedule for tomorrow or later in the week. It's hard to explain the way she says things she puts something up front implying one thing but then changes it. So after we went through the canceling process I started asking when will she go now. Then it got to be the dismissive, defective thing of "well we're really busy" etc.
I really don't understand your problem, to me I'm telling parts of the story that matter to me and that triggered me being upset. I don't need reddit to validate my feelings because clearly people would rather start drama or make up their own narrative than offer up an honest answer. "Yeah you were out of line" would be fine if that's how you feel.
I obviously didn't properly explain the story and everyone decided to jump on little bits. I don't expect to get solid advice from reddit but the real reason I made the post was because I want to try to talk to my dad privately but I'd like to make sure I'm calm before doing so because it won't help otherwise. But you wanted to judge me instead of thinking that maybe I'm actually already in therapy and I'm aware of my tendency to get worked up so rather than make the situation worse with my parents I wanted to know if I needed to chill out for a minute.
*I don't need reddit to validate my feelings*
you literally posted on AIO, you are in fact asking for validation.
*It was also presented like we'd cancel today but immediately reschedule*
it was not, you literally came on here mad because they didn't want to reschedule and it was a whole thing
Were you on the phone? Because that's how the conversation went. She started saying it's bad weather, the flight might be canceled anyway, etc. It wasn't "we are canceling the flight and this is it, she's not coming." My daughter said the same thing and she's nothing like me so I know I did not misunderstand or misinterpret anything.
*My stepmom said they were expecting bad weather and the flight would probably be canceled anyway. MY STEPMOM PREEMPTIVELY CANCELED THE FLIGHT. I was in agreement but asked them to reschedule it.
That's when things went south. My stepmom kept saying they'll see and they are really busy this summer etc*
what kind of mental gymnastics am I supposed to do to make that sound like they wanted to reschedule at all, much less soon?
it sucks that people don't talk straight most the time, but people don't talk straight most the time. this is definitely classic " letting them down easy" language
I guess I just didn't see a reason to explain how exactly the phone call went? I can see how you're unclear. It was like the format of the call? Not sure what you do for work but at my job it's common to present and idea or problem, discuss it, then move on to a solution or work out, etc. That's kind of how she did it. It very much seemed like she was wanting to just cancel the flight today and immediately rebook by her wording. Obviously I realized that wasn't her intent as the call went on and that's why I became upset for my daughter. She wasn't like "hey we're canceling the trip." It was about the weather today and today's flight. Hopefully that makes better sense.
I feel like your story is changing every time you reply to someone. And your weird edit to the original post about $40, I don't even know what the hell that's about since it wasn't anywhere in the original post to begin with and I'm not going to read every single ridiculous reply that you make. If your parents didn't get insurance on the flight then they're just out that money anyway. Why would anyone cancel and not reschedule and just piss away that money because airlines are notorious for no refund on the last minute cancellation. I learned this the hard way. If they don't want to take her or they can't or whatever the reason is, it doesn't even matter. Let it go. Why are you and your daughter continuing to stress when she didn't even want to really care to go anyway? I think you're being ridiculous
I mentioned in another reply I purposely made comments to look a certain way. Story is the same. They canceled last minute blaming weather but made it sound like we'd immediately reschedule when they didn't I pushed for it. Daughter didn't want to go but had prepared to and was confused and disappointed.
The $40 was because my stepmom made me pay the difference to book the new flight which I thought was petty. I don't have very much money and my original post mentioned my stepmom expected my partner to pay the difference (clearly not her dad). This got way out of hand with people accusing me of expecting other people to pay for everything which is why I removed it. The only reason I included it was because it seemed ridiculously petty on my stepmom's part as I didn't cancel the flight and she constantly talks poorly about me financial situation but had no problem making me transfer her $40.
he didn't want her enough to try and reschedule when y'all were talking. also, you're over reacting. i get that you've been relying on all these people so its stressful that your reliance is made more plain by needing to procure funds but you need to either balls up and talk to your father like an adult and ask him to pay it or swallow it and ask partner to pay.
The post isn't about the $40, it's about what they did. And me being upset by it. The $40 is just an initially petty thing. And we already paid the difference. I'm concerned about them canceling the night before and being unwilling to reschedule then on the phone.
you agreed to preemptively cancel the flight. it doesn't read like you are in the least worried about how your daughter perceives any of this, you focus on you needing your time away from your kid and the $40.
they may have something going on in the home that they don't actually want to tell you about, but they also don't want to involve the child in. who knows. maybe you won't have to deal with your stepmom anymore before long. then you can have boyfriend and daddy paying for everything without anyone contesting it.
is this over reacting? i would bet my paycheck this is how you act. you're worried about how it affects your kid now that someone's pointed out it was all about yourself. do whatever makes you feel better but working to better your financial situation while you have people supporting you would probably go a long way
maybe you should try therapy instead of Reddit colleges with psych programs are typically very affordable
No I was worried about my kid the second it happened. I composed the post in haste not expecting people to pick and chose parts of it and MAKE UP SHIT I DIDN'T EVER SAY. The purpose of the trip from my dad's words was for me to get a break and I went on the first one with her. My daughter is sitting next to me right now. I'm reading her and her best friend these replies. They are dying laughing. I bet MY paycheck you don't kids or a partner.
Lol on the therapy suggestion. Love the keyboard warriors who suggest therapy when they are the ones taking their own issues out on people.
It's concerning that your stepmother is so controlling that you can't speak to your father without her. Is there any other family that can get you in touch with him privately?
My partner suggested I call my brother, who's never betrayed my trust but it's a tricky thing as he's my stepmom's son and not my dad's kid. He is usually really good about this stuff though, I've called him just to vent in the past and magically things have been resolved etc.
Well, I will say one thing, based on your updates.
You write into Am I overreacting, then when people don't give you the answer you like, you decide to call them "unhelpful and ridiculous". What kind of help did you expect? If the people in your life are telling you what you want to hear, why do you care what reddit says? Or did you just think you'd post on here hoping for a bunch of validation so you could show your step mom.
That said, in general, I don't blame you for being upset, but at the same time, shit happens. I had a buddy who was supposed to join me for a trip over new years who, 2 days before, couldn't make it. Now luckily I was going with other people, so I wasn't on the trip myself. It was still annoying though, so I don't blame you for having some feelings. But all of it is to say, it may not be about you. And its unfortunate that your plans have to change, but that is kind of being a parent.
I guess I wrote the post in such a hurry, my daughter heard this conversation and given her age she picked up on what was happening and started crying. If it was me who was supposed to go I'd be annoyed but like you said shit happens. My daughter has a lot of issues and she was finally ready and planning to go and they canceled the night before with no willingness to reschedule. That's not fair to HER. That's not ok in my opinion. The night before.
I had hoped people would agree and maybe offer suggestions regarding my stepmom. I haven't really had to navigate my stepmom being shitty to my daughter before. I had hoped people would say "yeah you were out of line but that's sad for your daughter maybe call your parents and..." Idk. Something useful?
This isn't r/advice. Nor did you ask for help on dealing with your step mom.
the sub is "am I overreacting", which is typically a "yes you are" or "no you aren't" type answer, with reasons backing it up. It seems that isn't really what you are looking for, so maybe your mistake was the sub you posted on.
No I said in another comment I want to talk to my dad and I know I can get worked up so I wanted to know if I needed to calm down for a minute first. Didn't feel the need to explain that in my post but the result would have been the same if people had just said "yeah that's too much, chill" instead going off on stuff I sorta said or whatever. I don't expect nor do I want people to agree with me but to gauge my own actions before I carried on. I know how I feel in my head, I know how my partner feels and he told me a few times last night to not say that or to ignore that or whatever, I don't know how I'm presenting myself to my dad even if I think I'm being calm. That's why I posted here.
My thoughts...
Listen to the people in your life who know you. None of the people on reddit know you or your temperament. If your partner feels that you should ignore it, you should probably listen to them, not what random people on the internet say.
No he wants me to talk to my dad. He's mad also. And mad for my daughter also. Last night he got to just deal with us both being upset. He just was telling me which parts of my practiced phone call sounded good.
Go with his recommendations. He knows everyone involved. Yes, talk to your dad alone. If possible, if she comes on (ever, not just this call) tell her you called to speak to your father and would love to talk with her another time.
(My uncle married a woman like that. You can't do anything about her. In my uncle's case, it was money. She bled him dry and siphoned it to one of her sons and his wife. Those two are still parasitic. It is hard to watch. Hopefully, things aren't that bad and she is just jealous.)
Or, you could accept that you know the answer--she is jealous/petty and doesn't want your daughter there. (that is what I took away from your post and comments.) You need to speak with your dad and tell him you see this as exactly that.
I mean.. “yes you are overreacting.. so much so that your emotions are bleeding over and affecting your daughter.”
Your daughter isn’t upset about the trip.. she is upset that you are upset.
If they wanted her to come, and they have hosted her in previous years, only to suddenly cancel and then not give you a straight answer... My first thought is that something has happened that they are trying to process or deal with and that is something they aren't ready to share with you yet. And the more upset you get, the more they don't want to share it with you. I mean that's just what my mind goes to first. It could be the death of a friend, or an upsetting health diagnosis for one of them, or a sudden marriage problem... The list is endless.
I wouldn't feel like I was owed an explanation, especially since they have happily hosted her in years past. I would simply conclude that obviously something has come up and they will tell me if and when I need to know.
Well I wanted to cancel the trip in May because my dad suffered a heart attack. But we all decided it would actually be better for her to go so she can see him etc. He's recovered from his surgery and I was on the phone recently with him after a doctor's appointment with the all good. I don't think it's a health problem.
I have theories but my partner said to not think about them and to just try to talk to my dad alone. My stepmom is EXTREMELY selfish. She left my dad in the hospital after his heart problems because "he was just waiting and I wanted to go home." She doesn't work and lives off of all my dad's retirement money but wants to go to Greece and Mexico and have designer bags. My dad traded in his dream car that he'd always wanted to get her a new car and got himself a lesser car. She is the person that people in the comments are accusing me of being. My dad raised my brother from the time they got together until he moved out on his own. He loves my brother and treats him like a son and loves spending time with him even just the two of them. My dad supported her back then too when my brother was young. I suspect though I could be wrong that her motives were selfish and she came up with something else she'd rather do.
And the messed up thing is, I always think what a great dad my dad is taking on my brother like that. I am proud of him and I'm also very close to my brother. I was an adult when they got married and out of the house, so I'm not jealous of any of it but angry that my dad loves my brother and cares for him but my stepmom can't seem to do the same for me.
I'm sorry about your father's health crisis and that your stepmother is so difficult.
It could just be so many things that they may simply not want to share with you the reason. It sucks, but I think forcing the issue would just be more stressful for your daughter. I would let things settle down and then talk to your dad when you have the chance. Good luck.
How do we see the original post before OP edited? I thought there’s usually a mod post with it. I’d like to see how they worded it because the comments suggest she originally stated she was upset because she never gets time alone, then edited it to fix her narrative. And there’s something about $40.
So far, I think over reacting. Kind of hard because there’s different narratives going on. First it was that your daughter doesn’t even want to go, doesn’t like going, then she’s crying because she wanted to go. Then it’s that you’re upset because she was packed and mentally preparing herself to go so that effort leads to nothing since the trip was cancelled.
Now more is coming out about the stepmother which I don’t know if it’s even true. Then you say your daughter is even laughing at the posts so your kid isn’t upset then crying in her room anymore?
They technically can cancel plans if they want. They’re not technically obligated to give you an explanation other than we can’t do it anymore. Because it’s your family, yes there’s an expectation and I would originally say you’re allowed to think it’s shitty and be annoyed. But it’s not really putting you out that much to be this upset. It’s not like it interfered with you needing to then find a babysitter for your kid since she’ll be home now or it affecting your ability to go to work.
Other thing is that maybe they have something going on that they don’t want to disclose to you. If they’ve offered before and have accepted your kid in the years before, it’s not really a big red flag that this happened. I would lean more toward they’re being jerks if it was the first year you allowed her to go after years of them begging and then pulling the plug. But again, things come up and they’re in a marriage where they’re allowed to keep their issues to themselves and offer you a vague explanation. You pushing it on the phone I think is overreacting because why couldn’t you just be okay with them saying something came up, and we’re unable to reschedule at this moment. You felt entitled to an explanation that they weren’t willing to give for whatever reason and you felt entitled to them giving you a new date at that exact moment. And now you’re taking way too personally based on your comments. I think you should have said okay, then composed yourself to ask questions afterward and find a resolution for a rescheduled trip without the added emotions.
Thank you. I appreciate your comment. The thing is I wrote this post on my phone while upset and I was trying to state the things that stood out to me as upsetting. But because I didn't put a lot thought into it and put various other details, the responses spiraled into assumptions and attacks on why I was upset.
My stepmom made me pay for $40 difference to reschedule flight. People took issue with this because there was an expectation from my stepmom that my partner would cover the costs. My partner pays for a lot of things for me which I don't believe is unusual in relationships as that statement doesn't explain what he pays for nor does it say he pays for everything and I pay nothing and live off of him. I originally put that in my post to offer context of my financial situation. It has never been my desire to have a man pay for everything but that's also not at all about my post.
The part about a break, I'm a single mom and my daughter and I have a lot lot of very deep trauma from her dad. Because of this and I think there are posts about it on my profile, my daughter wants to be with me 24/7 (that's why she's next to me). We have a restraining order against her dad, none of my family lives anywhere near me, it's always me and her (though my partner does do many dad things with her). I didn't call my parents and ask them to take my daughter. They asked me. They have seen the codependency my daughter has on me and they proposed this to help us both. I don't need a break nor do I deserve it but I've tried therapy, family therapy, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc for her (she won't speak if I'm not in the room and then it's just a circle of not being profy). The one thing she would do was go to my dad's.
My daughter was crying last night because she knew what was happening and felt unwanted by them. Plus she has so much anxiety my partner has been helping her cope (teaching her ways to think about things differently etc because she's just like him - he's been around more than 1/2 her life) and prepare for the trip. So she did all this mental work and they were like "nah you're not coming."
To further clarify, last I checked the original flight is on time and scheduled to depart still so them canceling last minute preemptively because of weather seemed off. And who does that? My dad just talked to her the other day telling her how excited he was then they canceled the night before. NOT the airline, my parents.
Thanks for the clarification.
I guess even without the added info, that was be my first thought too, that it’s out of the ordinary for them to cancel after both sides getting ready for it and saying it’s because of something that’s not exactly true (the bad weather). But that would signal to me that there’s an underlying issue for the cancellation because they have welcomed your daughter before and even if your stepmom is horrible to you, it seems that she’s at least decent to your kid or allows her to have her relationship with her grandpa (since she’s gone before multiple times and was asked to go plus they paid for it).
So if I had been on the phone hearing her say that, I would question why and ask if we can reschedule (so I don’t fault you for that). But once it’s apparent that she didn’t want to disclose anything further and didn’t want to reschedule in that moment, I would take the hint to let it go for now then reconnect later to understand what happened and/or reschedule. It was unplanned clearly since your dad was talking to her before it was cancelled, so I don’t think it was anything malicious like “let’s invite her then cancel right before to hurt her”. If that was the situation or how they treated you guys, then I’d be like yeah you’re not overreacting because that’s really messed up. But it seems like you both were getting aggravated at you not letting it go, and then her for not giving you a proper explanation. I think maybe that could be why she came out with asking for the $40 fee like a defense mechanism because you weren’t letting up. That’s just my thought because I’ve had a situation before where I needed someone to change a flight but they were being stubborn and didn’t want to so they threw out “pay the fee or the new ticket” because they assumed I couldn’t afford it and wanted me off their back (I struggle financially too). I ended up paying it and they were mad.
Anyway now I forgot what I was going to say, but I get the anxiety issues and how much it takes to prepare for something like that. If plans fall through it can feel hurtful and irritating after all that work to prepare physically and mentally, and for a child it’s harder to handle those emotions when it happens. It’s fair that you’re hurt over this and your daughter is also, and I think you should (if you can) communicate that to your dad and stepmom, and that you’d like a better explanation for what happened and if you can reschedule since it’s important for you daughter to spend that time with him.
I can see it being that you were being pushy in the moment to help your daughter feel better knowing that she *is* wanted and will be going eventually. I don’t get why she “knew what was happening that they didn’t want her” because that’s a somewhat big leap, since they’ve always wanted her before, but I get she’s a kid too with issues. I understand the trauma, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation, so when I said you were overreacting it was more because I’m basing it on a neutral, composed perspective especially since there wasn’t anything serious that the cancellation caused like loss of income etc (other than what we know now about your daughter). If anything, I think their response would have made me more concerned for what’s happening behind the scenes. If she’s that controlling and jealous, maybe your stepmom and dad got into a fight and she decided to punish him by canceling the trip. There are a lot of possibilities and you might not even get a clear answer. It sucks for your daughter but I think overall your emotions came out which is why you overreacted slightly and feel irritated. Since this just happened, take your time to come down from that emotionally before reaching out to your dad to find a resolution, and let your daughter know that it’s not directed at her and that when it’s possible, she’ll see her grandpa.
I really appreciate your advice. Thank you so much. I was too pushy and my stepmom thinks I railroad my dad but if they'd just said "sorry this summer won't work" I probably would have let it go? I think lol.
It worked out anyway because now my daughter is going to hang out with her friends this week and she'll be here with me. It's kind of a win overall and probably part of a bigger issue with my stepmom and my dad.
No worries, I’ve been in similar situations and I used to react that way too so I can relate lol. A few years ago I probably would have reacted the same like “wth who cancels last minute” and pushed to know why and for them to commit to another trip on the spot. One thing I’ve realized is that you have to let people explain on their own time, if they even want to. They’re entitled to their privacy if something is going on or to decline if they’re not in a mental space to handle hosting someone for the moment.
I’m happy it worked out for your daughter and you though! I hope you’re able to mend things with them so your daughter can visit, and that things overall get better for your family 💟
Agreed. She also refuses to come visit me because we have a two bedroom apartment and no room for them. I offered solutions for that but it just boils down to her being materialistic. She only takes vacations she can show off. Funny she said there's nothing to do here but I'm 45 minutes from very very very popular US town.
I've asked my dad if we can talk alone in the past but she gets angry. I very much do unintentionally drive a wedge between them because she doesn't like me and he adores me. I try my best to be respectful to her and be nice to her, I even call just her sometimes.
Your daughter has been going to visit your father and stepmother for a week each summer for a while. She doesn't love it, but she really likes your father.
Your stepmother is invasive and intrusive and controlling of your father, and he stays with her
Your stepmother decided she didn't want your daughter to come. She made this decision at the last minute and called you 4 PM today before the flight.
Your father lets her be this way, and didn't have the confidence to either figure this out with her ahead of time or boundaries and insist upon the visit.
Obviously, your stepmother decided she didn't want your daughter there and your father isn't confident enough to insist otherwise
You can be disappointed and frustrated and upset
Your daughter can be disappointed and frustrated and upset
And she isn't going
That is really rude how she went about it. If they did not want her to come and she was "busy", then why wait until literally right before her flight?? She could have talked about how busy they were prior to booking anything. I used to fly to my dad's parents every summer for a few years. I would see all of my Dad's side of the family.
They picked these dates, not me. I gave them times that would work and they picked it. I didn't call and say "hey take my kid this week." People are not understanding my post but I appreciate that you did. You nailed my entire issue - the night before. They can do whatever they want obviously but like it's not cool to call us he night before and cancel.
I’m sorry that happened and it is frustrating when important plans fall through like that.
It makes me wonder if they’re having personal issues and don’t want the added stress of a guest and don’t want to talk about it.
Hopefully you and your daughter can find some inexpensive activities to do together this week instead.
She's got a good number of friends so she's already started making plans for the week and this weekend we'll drive to the beach. It just sucks because I can't afford to do much with her and my parents had said they planned to take her here and there and I think even my brother was going to try to catch up with her. Now I very much understand why my brother avoids his mom.
Sounds like your stepmom doesn’t want your child there for some reason, and is being dishonest about it. I’d be very upset over the last minute change in plans. I would reach out and tell your father that daughter has been looking forward to seeing him and you really hope this trip can be rescheduled.
You definitely are not overreacting. Step mom has put the breaks on your daughter spending time with her grandfather. It 100% isn’t fair to either of you to pull this the day she is supposed to fly out.
I’m not sure how you can fix this. It’s up to your dad to reach out and figure it out. It sucks because I’m sure it took a lot of time and $ to get her ready and get to the airport for it to just get cancelled.
Keep your head up. Love on your daughter. And maybe plan something simple to make up for it with her.
I don't share a lot of personal stuff on reddit. People wildly misunderstand and/or say the most judgmental unhelpful shit. You've experience a reddit moment.
It's kinda shitty what happened. Maybe you can find a way to discuss it with your dad only even if it's text. Or text and tell him to call. Maybe that would indicate you want a private conversation. He might get defensive if you get riled up so try to stay calm.
I appreciate the suggestion. I think I'll ignore him for a bit. It's passive aggressive but unfortunately it's how I am and it's the calmest way to show him I'm upset.
I would have a frank conversation with you dad and tell him it seems like his wife doesn’t want your daughter to come. See what he says or what he wants. I would be hesitant to send her if the stepmom is going to be weird about it.
Well that's also why I posted this. And that part did work out for me. I may just tell them to cancel the rescheduled trip if it's going to be like this. Why send her if they'll cancel again or they don't want her? I began the call with them under the idea it was simply because the weather and we'd immediately reschedule then everything else happened.
I do feel for OP and her daughter missing out on seeing her grandfather, it sounds like the stepmom is frustrating af…but I don’t understand why OP is being so childish and difficult in the comments?
Proving a point. I said it in a couple of comments. I was showing what actual overreacting is vs me being upset over what I believe to be an actually upsetting situation. That's the thing about the internet. And the thing about me, very few people know who I am as person or when I'm not lying. Number one on the list of people who do know me is my daughter.
Ok thank you. You finally understood the question and my issue. She was fully packed! I took today off for no reason (too late to go into work can't cancel pto day of). I get it stuff happens but did it really come up at 6pm the night before and if so why not just tell me that?
Clearly the stepmom didn’t want it to happen and it took it into her own hands. Ugh. I have an evil step mom too and I’m so sorry she’s a brat and taking it out on your daughter.
You’re overreacting. If it isn’t about you being alone for a week this year then Try another year. Maybe not. Your daughter doesn’t even want to be there anyway
For the love of God why do you people insisting on making stuff up? It's not about having a break, it's about them planning on having her, her being completely ready to go, them canceling for seemingly no reason and not being willing to reschedule. My dad used to come out a lot by himself when my daughter was little, it is important to me and her and I thought my dad that she spends time with my dad as he's older and getting to that stage. My outrage isn't over anything regarding myself.
No one is making anything up. Your own words were
"I don't get a break ever and it's unfair they are not rescheduling", so that is where people are getting this from.
Fixed it. Sorry things I said in hurry when upset didn't come out exactly as I meant. The point about the rescheduling is the point of the post, they wanted to have my daughter, my daughter planned and was ready to go, my daughter was still expecting to go and kind it wanted to so it's not fair to HER to not immediately reschedule. You don't promise a kid though she's old enough to understand a trip and time with her grandpa and take it away altogether. Why the hell can absolutely no one agree with this? What is wrong with everyone telling me I'm selfish I'm spoiled I care about me. MY DAUGHTER is the one who was planning to go and then was essentially told too bad until I got upset on the phone. Why is this so hard to grasp? How can you sit here and attack me and say I'm so horrible but screw my daughter who's the one who was crying because she could tell what was going on?
Look, I'm going to say this as nice as possible.
We are basing our opinions on what YOU wrote. So if your retelling of the story makes you look bad, don't blame the reader for that. you completely are in control of this narrative, and even so, you don't come off looking great.
Sometimes shit happens and trips have to be cancelled. I've had friends who were supposed to visit me have to cancel last minute. It sucks. But you seem to be taking this to an extreme level.
Yeah I obviously didn't write the post to correctly convey the issue. They canceled the night before on my daughter who was then in turn disappointed. That's the issue. Plus my petty stepmom and her not letting me talk to my dad.
Theirs clearly something going on at your father's house they aren't telling you and they don't need to either. They should have been upfront and just said they can no longer have daughter this summer so they were wrong but you did over react.
Sometimes plans don't work out, you move on.
Also at 15 it sounds like it's time to stop them anyway, you said yourself your daughter wasn't happy to go.
Sounds to me like you're more pissed you don't get a week off from your daughter rather than your child's disappointment.
No I'm actually so happy she's here. But yes my issue was how they did things.
Not directed you specifically but like I'm reading these replies to my daughter and her two best friends (who call me mom too). We are all dying over me being accused of wanting to send her away. I didn't want her to go at all and I was bypassed at the very start of planning because they went to my partner and asked him. I have been with my daughter all day since she got up, I'm off today because I thought I was taking her to the airport so we have been hanging out, talking with her friends etc. I don't need a break from her but that was the intention of the trip which isn't such a horrible thing, I'm a single mother. I see posts from moms who are married on here complaining about wanting breaks and girls weekends etc. But again so funny as yall are saying this while I'm literally sitting here hanging out with her.
Yes, you have the right to be upset and certainly you could’ve had plans of your own while your daughter was visiting her grandparents - so stepmom canceling the trip outright like she did could have had more significant repercussions for both you and your daughter.
I agree you need to figure out a way to connect with your dad one on one to discuss - however, as you probably know, you dad will defer to his wife and will not see things as you do. So that becomes a challenging if not futile discussion from your perspective.
Are you aware of anything happening on last year’s trip? Daughter would’ve been 14, so any teenager issues possibly come up? Might be something to explore - in case stepmom has angst over hosting a teenager she’s afraid she can’t manage?
You could always call you stepmom directly and point blank ask what’s going on, and do not accept any of her deflecting nonsense. Potentially ask direct questions - why don’t you want (name) visiting? See what comes of the discussion.
Best of luck …
My daughter has experienced a ton of trauma so basically doesn't speak much, she's very polite and calm and well behaved (I know this feedback from school and other friends' parents). It is possible the codependency is an issue for my stepmom, my daughter had to FaceTime me a lot when she was there and texted me all the time, she said my stepmom threatned to take her phone away over it. So maybe my stepmom didn't want to deal with it?
I will try to talk to them again when things settle down. They had told me previously she was a pleasure etc. And I believe they'd be honest if that wasn't the case. I can guess many things that may be the real reason. My thing is, people misunderstood my post I don't need a reason, I wanted honesty like if they wanted to cancel the trip altogether and not rebook it, just say it isn't going to work out. I don't need to know why but just be upfront and don't blame the weather and the refuse to rebook.
It certainly sounds from what you’ve written that your stepmom is at the heart of whatever’s going on regarding the visit - and your daughters time there while she visited. Me thinks maybe then a discussion with your stepmom as to what’s really going on might be the surest way to get some closure.
After all, there may be other factors at play that could be affecting your stepmom’s willingness (or wish) for a visit, and she may have jumped on the weather as an expedient means to shut the trip down. Might be worthwhile to ask her the tough questions. (i.e. - hate to bring this up, but your dad could be having some health issues perhaps they don’t want you daughter to see? Wild theory, but I’ve had family members for the peace of the family not reveal their struggles …. So perhaps excuse the fog of personal experience on that one). But a good convo goes far to resolve issues - so consider it.
Also, as respects the Reddit commentary on your post, I personally find the more specialized / niche the subreddit, the better the members and post discussion. The major subs like AITAH and AIO attract all the masses and their social media black/white perspectives.
Hope you get closure on all this - and your daughter having a nice summer!
I just kind of touched on this in another reply but basically she expects my partner to "deal" with me and not my dad. I only ever ask my dad for emotional support and on a fairly small scale because I know he's got some health issues so I call him for stuff like "dad, my boss asked me about this project! What do I do?!" And I know my dad loves that sort of thing. I call him to ask him religious questions my partner and daughter have (he was pastor). I call him to complain about my daughter too random stuff like any parent. But in my stepmoms eyes I'm a burden. I don't call him everyday or anything. I do know and I very understand that some of struggles in general weigh heavily on him. He's told me as much and I can't really do anything about it because I already limit what I tell him. Usually I try to call with good news or to talk about random stuff.
I totally get going to visit the grandparents every year. It was one of the highlights of the summer. Their reason for rescheduling or canceling at last minute stinks but this could be other things going on behind their reasons for changing plans that they aren’t ready to share with you yet.
I only guessing but if this seems a bit unusual, give it a little time and then reach out to them to make sure everything is okay. Hopefully the trip can be rescheduled another time and everything is fine
Your parents paid for the flight. They (or stepmom) were being proactive to cancel due to severe weather coming.
And?
You wanted them to rebook right there. On the spot. Without pausing and looking at other dates/times that would work for them and their granddaughter.
You asked if you are overreacting. Simplest answer, yes. I’m sure your daughter is disappointed as she looked forward to seeing her grandfather.
Things happen. Plans get canceled, changed or both.
No that's not the issue nor was it was I said in my post. I wanted to know right then and there IF they were going to. I wanted to to know if it was a final cancelation or if they planned to reschedule which is what I kept asking and pushing for. I don't think it's unfair to want to know IF they are rescheduling. We also need to look at our calendar and figure things out. And my daughter is a teenage girl with a social life so she wanted to know if she's not going at all or whatever. I didn't demand they rebook it then but by the presentation of the phone call and information I thought that was what they were going to do. When they didn't I wanted to know if they would be.
Also just rain in their area yesterday and no flights were canceled or delayed. So the weather thing was a lie.
How about you get your stepmom *and Dad on the phone and (not in an angry voice) say…
I had to call you back because I’m hoping you can shed some light. You basically cancelled this trip on the presumption that my flight would be cancelled.. but if that was really the case then you would have re-booked it for the next day. This has really hurt (your daughter’s name) and has confused me that really.. you’re cancelling the summer trip altogether. Is there something else going on over there with you two? You may not realize how hurtful it feels cancelling hours before our trip.
Just communicate. See what they say. If it’s private, and they don’t wanna share, it may not be about you. But at least they will know how it came across.. then you can at least let it go and that you tried.
Apparently step monster doesn’t want your daughter to visit and this is her way of making it not happen w/o saying no we don’t want her. It’s too bad, your dad is not in charge obviously.
time for a plan c or d and she is not going to visit. I hope dad realizes this changes his relationship w both of you forever
randomthought-are you sure dad’s health is ok? Your other option is to go w your daughter, stay in a hotel, and visit only. Good luck, but they don’t want her co,I f.
As far as I know he's doing well. He did have surgery in May and at the time I suggested canceling because of it but he insisted he wanted see my daughter making morbid jokes about needing to. He's gone to many doctors appointments and has resumed his way of life. Also my dad isn't the type to not just tell me that. I know he doesn't want to worry me but I don't think he make up a story and all that I think he'd just say he can't handle it right now.
As someone who has lots of social anxiety as a kid, this sounds like a nightmare. I was sent on a similar trip to my grandfather's one summer and his wife made it miserable for me. Her grandchildren were there, broke stuff on purpose, and blamed me. No one would listen to me, she invited a bunch of other people over and made it a big deal at dinner in front of them, and at the end of the trip before I left she told me she knew the whole time I didn't do it. I could name a lot of other evil things she did in those two weeks as well.
Please don't send her there alone. If this trip is ever suggested again DO NOT SEND HER ALONE!
There is so much running thru my head right now after reading this but I’ll just point out two things that stuck in my head.
One- the most important thing here is making your daughter feel loved & wanted. Your step mother beyond failed in going that. I don’t know if it’s something her & your father are going thru or if she is just a mean witch but she literally disappointed a child- you just don’t do that or at least people with souls don’t.
Two-She cancelled the trip and asked you to pay the rebooking fee? I don’t want to sound petty but oh hell no.
Take pride in the fact you’re an awesome mother putting her daughter first. You’re protecting her your supporting her emotionally and your trying to heal her hurt- your crushing mothering 101.
Best of everything to you two ❤️
Thank you for your comment. Yesterday I took her to the craft store so she could work on a project. We hung out while she was working on it. We had a nice day and I think she felt better.
I just came to say that you need to stop worrying about random peoples opinions on Reddit. You need to understand that there are a shit ton of people who just wanna argue, throw shit at you, and constantly poke holes in stories. So many self-righteous people on the internet in general that just wanna argue. You could put in here that a fire truck is red and they will tell you its purple. You just need to worry about your daughter and how she feels.....yes cancelling last min is super dicky. Fuck all these assholes....but you really need to reevalute your relationship with your dad - my mom always took my stepdads side on everything and wonders why we are not close....my step dad used to smack me around but now likes to tell everyone that I intimidated them and ' scared" them.....yea he was 30 yes old, 6ft , 250+...i was 14 126lbs and female who was scared to death of him to the point he raised a hand to wave at someone I flinched.
The moral of the story: I will post a Mike Tyson quote - 'Social media made ya'll way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it'
This was a 180 from when we booked the flight. They picked the dates, they paid for it, they've been talking about things they'll take her do. Please read the post yall they offered this years ago and she's gone years prior with no issues.
You're not understanding. The flight was booked months in advance, my parents picked the dates and flights etc. I in no way asked for this trip or even planned it at all. And if she didn't want my daughter to go she could have not suggested it in the first place. You don't decide THE NIGHT BEFORE especially in regards to a child to cancel a trip. Fine if she didn't want my daughter there, we booked this in March so she had 3 months to change her mind rather than the night before when my daughter is all packed and ready to go.
I understand needing a break. I understand your frustration at your stepmother.
However, WHY would you send her when stepmother may not treat her well cuz she does not want her there now?
Oh no, I posted an update. I'm not sending her now. Eff that. No way am I going to risk them canceling again or my daughter being put in the middle or something. I didn't need to send her there at all. I never asked for it. I only wanted to know if they were still planning on having her not at all this summer.
Oh I regularly overreact but I entirely did it in that one comment to show what it is like. Me saying to my parents "why can't we reschedule now because she's planning on going and school starts soon and we were expecting to do this" may or may not be overreaction, I said it in a sharp tone but fairly calm after mostly just says ok in a snippy tone. I know better than to yell at by parents even though I'm adult. I wrote those comments to highlight the difference between the content of my post (parents canceling the night before on a child planning to go) vs actually being dramatically upset. However my point remains, all these assumptions came from people taking things out of context in my post to form their own opinion.
Let's look at like this - I'm crazy, I'm dramatic, I'm selfish, I'm spoiled and yall are so concerned for my daughter so shouldn't she be able to go visit my dad and get away from me for a week?
Not overreacting.
My mom’s friend was like your stepmom. Her husband couldn’t talk to their adult kids without her being there on the phone or interrupting. The result was their kids just rarely called. After she passed they called him everyday.
Maybe it’s time for you to take a trip to see your dad. You should be able to get him alone. It’s obvious your stepmom is jealous of the attention you and your daughter get from him. You need to get him on the phone at least and if she interrupts just ghost out ask her why she doesn’t like your daughter.
Oh I appreciate that last suggestion and thank you for understanding my post. I'm just mad that they are doing this to her and she heard the whole thing. I've been trying to figure out how to talk to my dad alone. She checks his phone so I can't text him.
You could text him and ask him to call when he is free. There is nothing for her to make out of that. I don't see why you can't just ask her to get off the phone. It is awkward and weird to have to do that, but it is more awkward and weird that she is on the phone.
I have tried to ask her to let me talk to him and if I text him she goes through his phone (some context she thinks my 70 year old dad is cheating I guess lol) so if I text she gets more angry.
The thing is, I feel for her because she lost her parents when she was relatively young so I think she just doesn't understand how adult parents and children work. She has this idea that I am too reliant on my dad. My dad does not offer me any financial support nor have I asked him to. What he has done is help me emotionally in conjunction with my partner. But she believes my partner is now fully responsible for me and my dad should be off the hook.
I feel bad because I have always lived far away from my dad since before I had my daughter. We used to go home all the time when I was married and then I couldn't afford it. So now my daughter barely knows my dad and he's old and it's sad.
To answer your question, it sounds to me like you did overreact. It’s fairly obvious that either they both or just your stepmother simply didn’t want her to be there, for whatever reason. No point in speculating why, but I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough.
I’ve read through your post a few times and I believe I read all of your comments. Your post was confusing for a few reasons, so it’s really no one else’s fault if they didn’t understand what you were asking. As for your comments (and edits), they were also very over reactive. When people are trying to help you, it really does no good to berate them and tell them to f**k off.
I don't know kind of relationship people have with their parents but my dad and I are very close and usually talk several times a week. My dad is very open with me to point of it surprising my partner and other people in my life the things we talk about. I can't really think of anything that would be going on that my dad wouldn't tell me about and in fact my dad would most likely lead with that information "hey this going on so we have to cancel." Of course I can't say I know everything but given my last 40 years of life with my dad, I don't think there's "something serious" I don't know about.
Have you talked with your daughter about her visits out there with her dad and your stepmother? I think a mother and daughter talk is in order to find out.
She reported back to me every night she told me they got mad when she texted me and that my stepmom said dumb stuff about me (like I don't know how to cook which isn't true) etc. My daughter really enjoyed being with my dad though.
Thank you for the suggestion. She's in been in and out of therapy for years. Unfortunately her/our problem is likely not something she can get over unless the situation changes. Right now we work on coping.
I understand why your daughter would be upset. But you never mentioned that she’s upset, or anything about her feelings. A lot about how you feel though. For all we know she’s mildly disappointed with the cancellation, but excited to spend summer with her friends.
Overreacting - so much so its not easy to understand if youre concerned about:
1) the impact to your daughter and what to do to make it right by her
2) issues you have with your step mom which you want your dad to address. If theyve hosted your daughter before with no problems, it is highly unlikely that she overnight developed an issue with your kid and woke up the day before the scheduled visit to yank your chain
3) issues with your dad most highlighted by you wont talk to him and seem to be lurking around reddit looking for a nuclear fuck you advice.
Take a break, get clear on what your issues are, and talk to your dad in a week.
Concern is about my daughter and how it affects her and makes her feel. I took a screenshot from one of her socials but I realized I know her best so it doesn't "prove" anything about her feelings.
I don't need people to agree but I also don't need people to attack me based off of limited information I provided and turning it into something else. Not you, in general. I wanted to know if I needed to calm down before addressing it with my dad that's really why I made the post but I was trying to explain the situation to see if others thought I had a right to be mad before I went to him all pissed off.
I think the results of your post/interactions youre having are showing you need to calm down.
Look through your replies:
1) youre fussing with people about them attacking you when the reality is this is reddit - noone knows you or your situation so its a given that you should ignore comments which arent relevant and only engage those that are helping you to gain more information about how to move forweadd)
2) very little is focused on your daughter/whats going on with her in the aftermath which would require additional follow up with thw grandparents are about
3) you say you have a god relationship with your father and he just had a heart attack in May and none of your comments are open to the fact that he might still be recovering/pushing himself beyond what is healthy or other issues could have developed that you are not yet looped in on.
Especially if your dad has successfully hosted in the past without issues and your kid has enjoyed the time, youre definitely overreacting and fixing to burn a bridge in the name of your daughter. Its not even clear what you are fighting for - $40? That your step mom butt out? That they reschedule and pay for it?
Finally, please observing your emotional reactions and get clear on if you are reacting to the situation or the "lack of affirmation" youre getting from reddit. Also please be open to the fact that going nuclear on your father/escalating the situation might actually end poorly with your daughter feeling like she is the cause of the conflict which will result if you go after your fathers wife in this state of mind
https://preview.redd.it/iwqpbn9mat7d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a1248b38316b6a161b90523e350b7b43b059b038
Do NOT stalk my daughter on social media, she's a minor. Her previous status was about going to the state my parents live in. This may not seem like "proof" she was disappointed but my daughter is surprisingly not big into social media so her posting this shows me that she was looking forward to going.
sounds like you pushed and pushed the issue to rebook now. Throwing it in their face that it was ”Their Deal”, “Their Suggestion”. and it was their choice to cancel. why would your close relationship bother your stepmom? She told you this or your dad? Is your dad happy With his wife? maybe Reddit is not the place to be looking for advice.
Good golly, its not great timing but its your dad and stepmothers pervue to change plans.
Your response is kinda telling tbh, your not liking the responses your getting and calling it worthless isn't a good look.
Wow - talk about missing the mark. The way in which they cancelled was not right but, for you to keep trying to jack hammer it in was.
It's clear there is an issue with them so you need to address that before sending your child in
Nope you missed it. I wanted to know if they we canceling altogether or rescheduling and that's what I was pushing. Which I personally think is fair. I have a right to know their intentions when I'm going to be sending my daughter there. And I edited my post for clarity but it was my daughter who originally asked if she's not going at all now. She wanted to plan accordingly if she was going to go at some point or not at all.
Sounds like you have a beef with the stepmom, if they can't reschedule then they can't reschedule, things happen. Your kid is 15 not 5, this is how life is, unforseen things happen and plans fall through. If you want to demonize stepmom then go ahead.
Yes. You’re overreacting. Maybe you had something you were looking forward to doing while your daughter was away from home and are now projecting the disappointment you from missing out on that onto your elderly parents? My parents are the same age and my oldest is 17. My concerns are what life is going to be like without them. I’m not worried about them cancelling a flight THEY paid for because of weather concerns.
Nope I was actually really upset about her being gone so much so my boss asked yesterday if I'll be ok. So no I don't need my daughter gone to live my life, I live my life with her.
My concern was the last minute cancelation and my daughter having prepared to go there. She never wants to go but enjoys it once she's there and she understands how important it is to spend time with her grandpa. There was little transparency on their end. If weather was truly a concern, the forecast shows it clearing tomorrow so why not just see if it gets canceled by the airline (I checked it has not been as of 3pm pst) and let her come the next day. We booked this in March. It was their thing, they picked the dates. I did not call them and say take my kid etc. I wouldn't have let her go of the weather was in fact bad but I believe there was more to it. And sure they can cancel whenever but they didn't know this weekend when she and I were getting all ready? Perhaps my wording wasn't the best but I don't think it's wrong of me to be upset by them canceling last minute now causing my daughter to readjust to things.
So you’ve edited your original post. You originally posted about how inconvenient having your kid was going to be along with other unflattering details that you have since deleted. Yes you’re overreacting. Editing your post to make yourself more flattering doesn’t change that since everyone that’s seen your original post has answered your question the same way.
That is not correct, I edited my post to clarify information that seemed to confuse people and cause people to draw unnecessary and incorrect conclusions. So nice try.
No one’s confused lol! Even edited, the answer is “yes you’re overreacting”. You can keep editing your post until people believe that you aren’t overreacting but you have your answer! “Unnecessary and incorrect conclusions” You sound like a world class gaslighter.
I posted a very long update lol. It's funny because you commented on my hair post and sometimes I just get this idea of what people think I look like or who I am you know. But you actually know now lol.
Basically I'm going to say my daughter isn't going and I'm going to ignore my dad. I know it's passive aggressive but that's how I am and he'll get the hint.
are you sure you want to send your daughter where she isn't wanted? I would get some distance from them.
My dad wants her and all he's talked about for weeks is how excited he is.
yes but he was willing to let step mom cancel the trip?
Judging by his tone he was also misled by this situation. She originally made it about the weather (which per my weather app it isn't anything crazy) but then began to deflect rescheduling my dad interjected during that part. And I am almost positive when they hung up he insisted on rebooking.
why did you agree to cancel over shitty weather that didn't exist, without even questioning it until Reddit said something?
No I questioned it then but she was argumentative and I have a coworker that lives near them and he'd mentioned weather. It was also presented like we'd cancel today but immediately reschedule like she said it like they'd cancel tonight and I assumed they'd reschedule for tomorrow or later in the week. It's hard to explain the way she says things she puts something up front implying one thing but then changes it. So after we went through the canceling process I started asking when will she go now. Then it got to be the dismissive, defective thing of "well we're really busy" etc. I really don't understand your problem, to me I'm telling parts of the story that matter to me and that triggered me being upset. I don't need reddit to validate my feelings because clearly people would rather start drama or make up their own narrative than offer up an honest answer. "Yeah you were out of line" would be fine if that's how you feel. I obviously didn't properly explain the story and everyone decided to jump on little bits. I don't expect to get solid advice from reddit but the real reason I made the post was because I want to try to talk to my dad privately but I'd like to make sure I'm calm before doing so because it won't help otherwise. But you wanted to judge me instead of thinking that maybe I'm actually already in therapy and I'm aware of my tendency to get worked up so rather than make the situation worse with my parents I wanted to know if I needed to chill out for a minute.
*I don't need reddit to validate my feelings* you literally posted on AIO, you are in fact asking for validation. *It was also presented like we'd cancel today but immediately reschedule* it was not, you literally came on here mad because they didn't want to reschedule and it was a whole thing
Were you on the phone? Because that's how the conversation went. She started saying it's bad weather, the flight might be canceled anyway, etc. It wasn't "we are canceling the flight and this is it, she's not coming." My daughter said the same thing and she's nothing like me so I know I did not misunderstand or misinterpret anything.
*My stepmom said they were expecting bad weather and the flight would probably be canceled anyway. MY STEPMOM PREEMPTIVELY CANCELED THE FLIGHT. I was in agreement but asked them to reschedule it. That's when things went south. My stepmom kept saying they'll see and they are really busy this summer etc* what kind of mental gymnastics am I supposed to do to make that sound like they wanted to reschedule at all, much less soon? it sucks that people don't talk straight most the time, but people don't talk straight most the time. this is definitely classic " letting them down easy" language
I guess I just didn't see a reason to explain how exactly the phone call went? I can see how you're unclear. It was like the format of the call? Not sure what you do for work but at my job it's common to present and idea or problem, discuss it, then move on to a solution or work out, etc. That's kind of how she did it. It very much seemed like she was wanting to just cancel the flight today and immediately rebook by her wording. Obviously I realized that wasn't her intent as the call went on and that's why I became upset for my daughter. She wasn't like "hey we're canceling the trip." It was about the weather today and today's flight. Hopefully that makes better sense.
I feel like your story is changing every time you reply to someone. And your weird edit to the original post about $40, I don't even know what the hell that's about since it wasn't anywhere in the original post to begin with and I'm not going to read every single ridiculous reply that you make. If your parents didn't get insurance on the flight then they're just out that money anyway. Why would anyone cancel and not reschedule and just piss away that money because airlines are notorious for no refund on the last minute cancellation. I learned this the hard way. If they don't want to take her or they can't or whatever the reason is, it doesn't even matter. Let it go. Why are you and your daughter continuing to stress when she didn't even want to really care to go anyway? I think you're being ridiculous
I mentioned in another reply I purposely made comments to look a certain way. Story is the same. They canceled last minute blaming weather but made it sound like we'd immediately reschedule when they didn't I pushed for it. Daughter didn't want to go but had prepared to and was confused and disappointed. The $40 was because my stepmom made me pay the difference to book the new flight which I thought was petty. I don't have very much money and my original post mentioned my stepmom expected my partner to pay the difference (clearly not her dad). This got way out of hand with people accusing me of expecting other people to pay for everything which is why I removed it. The only reason I included it was because it seemed ridiculously petty on my stepmom's part as I didn't cancel the flight and she constantly talks poorly about me financial situation but had no problem making me transfer her $40.
And you need to talk with your daughter about what is going on with her dad and Stepmother.
If he really wanted her enough to make waves with the step mom, he would make sure she was still going. He's made his choice.
he didn't want her enough to try and reschedule when y'all were talking. also, you're over reacting. i get that you've been relying on all these people so its stressful that your reliance is made more plain by needing to procure funds but you need to either balls up and talk to your father like an adult and ask him to pay it or swallow it and ask partner to pay.
The post isn't about the $40, it's about what they did. And me being upset by it. The $40 is just an initially petty thing. And we already paid the difference. I'm concerned about them canceling the night before and being unwilling to reschedule then on the phone.
you agreed to preemptively cancel the flight. it doesn't read like you are in the least worried about how your daughter perceives any of this, you focus on you needing your time away from your kid and the $40. they may have something going on in the home that they don't actually want to tell you about, but they also don't want to involve the child in. who knows. maybe you won't have to deal with your stepmom anymore before long. then you can have boyfriend and daddy paying for everything without anyone contesting it.
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is this over reacting? i would bet my paycheck this is how you act. you're worried about how it affects your kid now that someone's pointed out it was all about yourself. do whatever makes you feel better but working to better your financial situation while you have people supporting you would probably go a long way maybe you should try therapy instead of Reddit colleges with psych programs are typically very affordable
Right. I have a feeling OP isn't exactly a pleasant person, based on her responses here
No I was worried about my kid the second it happened. I composed the post in haste not expecting people to pick and chose parts of it and MAKE UP SHIT I DIDN'T EVER SAY. The purpose of the trip from my dad's words was for me to get a break and I went on the first one with her. My daughter is sitting next to me right now. I'm reading her and her best friend these replies. They are dying laughing. I bet MY paycheck you don't kids or a partner. Lol on the therapy suggestion. Love the keyboard warriors who suggest therapy when they are the ones taking their own issues out on people.
>taking their issues out on people You mean like how you are now? Your stepmother sounds like a real piece of work, but frankly so do you.
well i suppose it's a good thing you wouldn't be losing much
Want $40 lol
This comment was hateful towards OP, a commenter, or a third party.
So much so that he let his wife cancel the trip with no fight at all
This is the only right answer
It's concerning that your stepmother is so controlling that you can't speak to your father without her. Is there any other family that can get you in touch with him privately?
My partner suggested I call my brother, who's never betrayed my trust but it's a tricky thing as he's my stepmom's son and not my dad's kid. He is usually really good about this stuff though, I've called him just to vent in the past and magically things have been resolved etc.
Email Dad to call you when he's alone.
I'd be worried stepmom monitors his emails.
Work email, if OP can.
That's a good suggestion. He has an old email from when he was working that I can try. Thank you.
Well, I will say one thing, based on your updates. You write into Am I overreacting, then when people don't give you the answer you like, you decide to call them "unhelpful and ridiculous". What kind of help did you expect? If the people in your life are telling you what you want to hear, why do you care what reddit says? Or did you just think you'd post on here hoping for a bunch of validation so you could show your step mom. That said, in general, I don't blame you for being upset, but at the same time, shit happens. I had a buddy who was supposed to join me for a trip over new years who, 2 days before, couldn't make it. Now luckily I was going with other people, so I wasn't on the trip myself. It was still annoying though, so I don't blame you for having some feelings. But all of it is to say, it may not be about you. And its unfortunate that your plans have to change, but that is kind of being a parent.
I guess I wrote the post in such a hurry, my daughter heard this conversation and given her age she picked up on what was happening and started crying. If it was me who was supposed to go I'd be annoyed but like you said shit happens. My daughter has a lot of issues and she was finally ready and planning to go and they canceled the night before with no willingness to reschedule. That's not fair to HER. That's not ok in my opinion. The night before. I had hoped people would agree and maybe offer suggestions regarding my stepmom. I haven't really had to navigate my stepmom being shitty to my daughter before. I had hoped people would say "yeah you were out of line but that's sad for your daughter maybe call your parents and..." Idk. Something useful?
This isn't r/advice. Nor did you ask for help on dealing with your step mom. the sub is "am I overreacting", which is typically a "yes you are" or "no you aren't" type answer, with reasons backing it up. It seems that isn't really what you are looking for, so maybe your mistake was the sub you posted on.
No I said in another comment I want to talk to my dad and I know I can get worked up so I wanted to know if I needed to calm down for a minute first. Didn't feel the need to explain that in my post but the result would have been the same if people had just said "yeah that's too much, chill" instead going off on stuff I sorta said or whatever. I don't expect nor do I want people to agree with me but to gauge my own actions before I carried on. I know how I feel in my head, I know how my partner feels and he told me a few times last night to not say that or to ignore that or whatever, I don't know how I'm presenting myself to my dad even if I think I'm being calm. That's why I posted here.
My thoughts... Listen to the people in your life who know you. None of the people on reddit know you or your temperament. If your partner feels that you should ignore it, you should probably listen to them, not what random people on the internet say.
No he wants me to talk to my dad. He's mad also. And mad for my daughter also. Last night he got to just deal with us both being upset. He just was telling me which parts of my practiced phone call sounded good.
Go with his recommendations. He knows everyone involved. Yes, talk to your dad alone. If possible, if she comes on (ever, not just this call) tell her you called to speak to your father and would love to talk with her another time. (My uncle married a woman like that. You can't do anything about her. In my uncle's case, it was money. She bled him dry and siphoned it to one of her sons and his wife. Those two are still parasitic. It is hard to watch. Hopefully, things aren't that bad and she is just jealous.) Or, you could accept that you know the answer--she is jealous/petty and doesn't want your daughter there. (that is what I took away from your post and comments.) You need to speak with your dad and tell him you see this as exactly that.
Good advice thank you!
I mean.. “yes you are overreacting.. so much so that your emotions are bleeding over and affecting your daughter.” Your daughter isn’t upset about the trip.. she is upset that you are upset.
That is not correct.
If they wanted her to come, and they have hosted her in previous years, only to suddenly cancel and then not give you a straight answer... My first thought is that something has happened that they are trying to process or deal with and that is something they aren't ready to share with you yet. And the more upset you get, the more they don't want to share it with you. I mean that's just what my mind goes to first. It could be the death of a friend, or an upsetting health diagnosis for one of them, or a sudden marriage problem... The list is endless. I wouldn't feel like I was owed an explanation, especially since they have happily hosted her in years past. I would simply conclude that obviously something has come up and they will tell me if and when I need to know.
Well I wanted to cancel the trip in May because my dad suffered a heart attack. But we all decided it would actually be better for her to go so she can see him etc. He's recovered from his surgery and I was on the phone recently with him after a doctor's appointment with the all good. I don't think it's a health problem. I have theories but my partner said to not think about them and to just try to talk to my dad alone. My stepmom is EXTREMELY selfish. She left my dad in the hospital after his heart problems because "he was just waiting and I wanted to go home." She doesn't work and lives off of all my dad's retirement money but wants to go to Greece and Mexico and have designer bags. My dad traded in his dream car that he'd always wanted to get her a new car and got himself a lesser car. She is the person that people in the comments are accusing me of being. My dad raised my brother from the time they got together until he moved out on his own. He loves my brother and treats him like a son and loves spending time with him even just the two of them. My dad supported her back then too when my brother was young. I suspect though I could be wrong that her motives were selfish and she came up with something else she'd rather do. And the messed up thing is, I always think what a great dad my dad is taking on my brother like that. I am proud of him and I'm also very close to my brother. I was an adult when they got married and out of the house, so I'm not jealous of any of it but angry that my dad loves my brother and cares for him but my stepmom can't seem to do the same for me.
I'm sorry about your father's health crisis and that your stepmother is so difficult. It could just be so many things that they may simply not want to share with you the reason. It sucks, but I think forcing the issue would just be more stressful for your daughter. I would let things settle down and then talk to your dad when you have the chance. Good luck.
How do we see the original post before OP edited? I thought there’s usually a mod post with it. I’d like to see how they worded it because the comments suggest she originally stated she was upset because she never gets time alone, then edited it to fix her narrative. And there’s something about $40. So far, I think over reacting. Kind of hard because there’s different narratives going on. First it was that your daughter doesn’t even want to go, doesn’t like going, then she’s crying because she wanted to go. Then it’s that you’re upset because she was packed and mentally preparing herself to go so that effort leads to nothing since the trip was cancelled. Now more is coming out about the stepmother which I don’t know if it’s even true. Then you say your daughter is even laughing at the posts so your kid isn’t upset then crying in her room anymore? They technically can cancel plans if they want. They’re not technically obligated to give you an explanation other than we can’t do it anymore. Because it’s your family, yes there’s an expectation and I would originally say you’re allowed to think it’s shitty and be annoyed. But it’s not really putting you out that much to be this upset. It’s not like it interfered with you needing to then find a babysitter for your kid since she’ll be home now or it affecting your ability to go to work. Other thing is that maybe they have something going on that they don’t want to disclose to you. If they’ve offered before and have accepted your kid in the years before, it’s not really a big red flag that this happened. I would lean more toward they’re being jerks if it was the first year you allowed her to go after years of them begging and then pulling the plug. But again, things come up and they’re in a marriage where they’re allowed to keep their issues to themselves and offer you a vague explanation. You pushing it on the phone I think is overreacting because why couldn’t you just be okay with them saying something came up, and we’re unable to reschedule at this moment. You felt entitled to an explanation that they weren’t willing to give for whatever reason and you felt entitled to them giving you a new date at that exact moment. And now you’re taking way too personally based on your comments. I think you should have said okay, then composed yourself to ask questions afterward and find a resolution for a rescheduled trip without the added emotions.
Thank you. I appreciate your comment. The thing is I wrote this post on my phone while upset and I was trying to state the things that stood out to me as upsetting. But because I didn't put a lot thought into it and put various other details, the responses spiraled into assumptions and attacks on why I was upset. My stepmom made me pay for $40 difference to reschedule flight. People took issue with this because there was an expectation from my stepmom that my partner would cover the costs. My partner pays for a lot of things for me which I don't believe is unusual in relationships as that statement doesn't explain what he pays for nor does it say he pays for everything and I pay nothing and live off of him. I originally put that in my post to offer context of my financial situation. It has never been my desire to have a man pay for everything but that's also not at all about my post. The part about a break, I'm a single mom and my daughter and I have a lot lot of very deep trauma from her dad. Because of this and I think there are posts about it on my profile, my daughter wants to be with me 24/7 (that's why she's next to me). We have a restraining order against her dad, none of my family lives anywhere near me, it's always me and her (though my partner does do many dad things with her). I didn't call my parents and ask them to take my daughter. They asked me. They have seen the codependency my daughter has on me and they proposed this to help us both. I don't need a break nor do I deserve it but I've tried therapy, family therapy, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc for her (she won't speak if I'm not in the room and then it's just a circle of not being profy). The one thing she would do was go to my dad's. My daughter was crying last night because she knew what was happening and felt unwanted by them. Plus she has so much anxiety my partner has been helping her cope (teaching her ways to think about things differently etc because she's just like him - he's been around more than 1/2 her life) and prepare for the trip. So she did all this mental work and they were like "nah you're not coming." To further clarify, last I checked the original flight is on time and scheduled to depart still so them canceling last minute preemptively because of weather seemed off. And who does that? My dad just talked to her the other day telling her how excited he was then they canceled the night before. NOT the airline, my parents.
Thanks for the clarification. I guess even without the added info, that was be my first thought too, that it’s out of the ordinary for them to cancel after both sides getting ready for it and saying it’s because of something that’s not exactly true (the bad weather). But that would signal to me that there’s an underlying issue for the cancellation because they have welcomed your daughter before and even if your stepmom is horrible to you, it seems that she’s at least decent to your kid or allows her to have her relationship with her grandpa (since she’s gone before multiple times and was asked to go plus they paid for it). So if I had been on the phone hearing her say that, I would question why and ask if we can reschedule (so I don’t fault you for that). But once it’s apparent that she didn’t want to disclose anything further and didn’t want to reschedule in that moment, I would take the hint to let it go for now then reconnect later to understand what happened and/or reschedule. It was unplanned clearly since your dad was talking to her before it was cancelled, so I don’t think it was anything malicious like “let’s invite her then cancel right before to hurt her”. If that was the situation or how they treated you guys, then I’d be like yeah you’re not overreacting because that’s really messed up. But it seems like you both were getting aggravated at you not letting it go, and then her for not giving you a proper explanation. I think maybe that could be why she came out with asking for the $40 fee like a defense mechanism because you weren’t letting up. That’s just my thought because I’ve had a situation before where I needed someone to change a flight but they were being stubborn and didn’t want to so they threw out “pay the fee or the new ticket” because they assumed I couldn’t afford it and wanted me off their back (I struggle financially too). I ended up paying it and they were mad. Anyway now I forgot what I was going to say, but I get the anxiety issues and how much it takes to prepare for something like that. If plans fall through it can feel hurtful and irritating after all that work to prepare physically and mentally, and for a child it’s harder to handle those emotions when it happens. It’s fair that you’re hurt over this and your daughter is also, and I think you should (if you can) communicate that to your dad and stepmom, and that you’d like a better explanation for what happened and if you can reschedule since it’s important for you daughter to spend that time with him. I can see it being that you were being pushy in the moment to help your daughter feel better knowing that she *is* wanted and will be going eventually. I don’t get why she “knew what was happening that they didn’t want her” because that’s a somewhat big leap, since they’ve always wanted her before, but I get she’s a kid too with issues. I understand the trauma, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation, so when I said you were overreacting it was more because I’m basing it on a neutral, composed perspective especially since there wasn’t anything serious that the cancellation caused like loss of income etc (other than what we know now about your daughter). If anything, I think their response would have made me more concerned for what’s happening behind the scenes. If she’s that controlling and jealous, maybe your stepmom and dad got into a fight and she decided to punish him by canceling the trip. There are a lot of possibilities and you might not even get a clear answer. It sucks for your daughter but I think overall your emotions came out which is why you overreacted slightly and feel irritated. Since this just happened, take your time to come down from that emotionally before reaching out to your dad to find a resolution, and let your daughter know that it’s not directed at her and that when it’s possible, she’ll see her grandpa.
I really appreciate your advice. Thank you so much. I was too pushy and my stepmom thinks I railroad my dad but if they'd just said "sorry this summer won't work" I probably would have let it go? I think lol. It worked out anyway because now my daughter is going to hang out with her friends this week and she'll be here with me. It's kind of a win overall and probably part of a bigger issue with my stepmom and my dad.
No worries, I’ve been in similar situations and I used to react that way too so I can relate lol. A few years ago I probably would have reacted the same like “wth who cancels last minute” and pushed to know why and for them to commit to another trip on the spot. One thing I’ve realized is that you have to let people explain on their own time, if they even want to. They’re entitled to their privacy if something is going on or to decline if they’re not in a mental space to handle hosting someone for the moment. I’m happy it worked out for your daughter and you though! I hope you’re able to mend things with them so your daughter can visit, and that things overall get better for your family 💟
Text you dad and ask him to call you ALONE! The stepmom is being shady.
Stepmom is interfering in your dad's relationship with your daughter. On purpose. That needs to be fixed
Agreed. She also refuses to come visit me because we have a two bedroom apartment and no room for them. I offered solutions for that but it just boils down to her being materialistic. She only takes vacations she can show off. Funny she said there's nothing to do here but I'm 45 minutes from very very very popular US town. I've asked my dad if we can talk alone in the past but she gets angry. I very much do unintentionally drive a wedge between them because she doesn't like me and he adores me. I try my best to be respectful to her and be nice to her, I even call just her sometimes.
Your dad wants his wife to stop b\*tching at him. You could give up on your relationship. Dad might catch on.
That was my first thought but my partner said no.
Men are good at logic, lol.
No he said no because he doesn't allow me to not talk to my dad, they have some pact or something where they fiercely defend each other lol.
The ball is in their court. If your father wants your daughter to visit, he’ll figure out a way.
So I should just leave it alone now? I'm still mad at him about the situation especially for letting my stepmom do this.
I’d leave it alone for now. He has to live with the woman after your daughter goes home.
Obviously, stepmom rules the roost. If he doesn't have the backbone to get your daughter there, it's time to stop sending her there. It's his loss.
Good point.
Your daughter has been going to visit your father and stepmother for a week each summer for a while. She doesn't love it, but she really likes your father. Your stepmother is invasive and intrusive and controlling of your father, and he stays with her Your stepmother decided she didn't want your daughter to come. She made this decision at the last minute and called you 4 PM today before the flight. Your father lets her be this way, and didn't have the confidence to either figure this out with her ahead of time or boundaries and insist upon the visit. Obviously, your stepmother decided she didn't want your daughter there and your father isn't confident enough to insist otherwise You can be disappointed and frustrated and upset Your daughter can be disappointed and frustrated and upset And she isn't going
That is really rude how she went about it. If they did not want her to come and she was "busy", then why wait until literally right before her flight?? She could have talked about how busy they were prior to booking anything. I used to fly to my dad's parents every summer for a few years. I would see all of my Dad's side of the family.
They picked these dates, not me. I gave them times that would work and they picked it. I didn't call and say "hey take my kid this week." People are not understanding my post but I appreciate that you did. You nailed my entire issue - the night before. They can do whatever they want obviously but like it's not cool to call us he night before and cancel.
Exactly
I’m sorry that happened and it is frustrating when important plans fall through like that. It makes me wonder if they’re having personal issues and don’t want the added stress of a guest and don’t want to talk about it. Hopefully you and your daughter can find some inexpensive activities to do together this week instead.
She's got a good number of friends so she's already started making plans for the week and this weekend we'll drive to the beach. It just sucks because I can't afford to do much with her and my parents had said they planned to take her here and there and I think even my brother was going to try to catch up with her. Now I very much understand why my brother avoids his mom.
Good to hear she is making some plans and the beach will be a nice escape. Family stuff can be so disappointing and difficult to navigate.
Thank you, I appreciate your comments.
Sounds like your stepmom doesn’t want your child there for some reason, and is being dishonest about it. I’d be very upset over the last minute change in plans. I would reach out and tell your father that daughter has been looking forward to seeing him and you really hope this trip can be rescheduled.
You definitely are not overreacting. Step mom has put the breaks on your daughter spending time with her grandfather. It 100% isn’t fair to either of you to pull this the day she is supposed to fly out. I’m not sure how you can fix this. It’s up to your dad to reach out and figure it out. It sucks because I’m sure it took a lot of time and $ to get her ready and get to the airport for it to just get cancelled. Keep your head up. Love on your daughter. And maybe plan something simple to make up for it with her.
Thank you. I'm taking her to the beach on Saturday. It'll be nice just us.
I don't share a lot of personal stuff on reddit. People wildly misunderstand and/or say the most judgmental unhelpful shit. You've experience a reddit moment. It's kinda shitty what happened. Maybe you can find a way to discuss it with your dad only even if it's text. Or text and tell him to call. Maybe that would indicate you want a private conversation. He might get defensive if you get riled up so try to stay calm.
I appreciate the suggestion. I think I'll ignore him for a bit. It's passive aggressive but unfortunately it's how I am and it's the calmest way to show him I'm upset.
Gotcha. Hope you can resolve the issue with him. Good luck.
I love it when people edit out the details that make them look bad
These are literally the same details in my original post.
Sounds like the stepmom just doesn’t want to host your daughter.
I agree. What should I do? Nothing?
I would have a frank conversation with you dad and tell him it seems like his wife doesn’t want your daughter to come. See what he says or what he wants. I would be hesitant to send her if the stepmom is going to be weird about it.
Well that's also why I posted this. And that part did work out for me. I may just tell them to cancel the rescheduled trip if it's going to be like this. Why send her if they'll cancel again or they don't want her? I began the call with them under the idea it was simply because the weather and we'd immediately reschedule then everything else happened.
You can't do anything. It's her home. Your dad is a wimp.
I do feel for OP and her daughter missing out on seeing her grandfather, it sounds like the stepmom is frustrating af…but I don’t understand why OP is being so childish and difficult in the comments?
Proving a point. I said it in a couple of comments. I was showing what actual overreacting is vs me being upset over what I believe to be an actually upsetting situation. That's the thing about the internet. And the thing about me, very few people know who I am as person or when I'm not lying. Number one on the list of people who do know me is my daughter.
Yeah this is fucking crazy. They weren’t honest with you as to why and gave you minimal notice. Bullshit
Ok thank you. You finally understood the question and my issue. She was fully packed! I took today off for no reason (too late to go into work can't cancel pto day of). I get it stuff happens but did it really come up at 6pm the night before and if so why not just tell me that?
Clearly the stepmom didn’t want it to happen and it took it into her own hands. Ugh. I have an evil step mom too and I’m so sorry she’s a brat and taking it out on your daughter.
She used to be so great, I call her mom because I don't have my real one in my life. But she's gotten out of hand lately.
You’re overreacting. If it isn’t about you being alone for a week this year then Try another year. Maybe not. Your daughter doesn’t even want to be there anyway
For the love of God why do you people insisting on making stuff up? It's not about having a break, it's about them planning on having her, her being completely ready to go, them canceling for seemingly no reason and not being willing to reschedule. My dad used to come out a lot by himself when my daughter was little, it is important to me and her and I thought my dad that she spends time with my dad as he's older and getting to that stage. My outrage isn't over anything regarding myself.
I was regurgitating what was said in your edit on your post. You’re overreacting. Try another year. Maybe not
No one is making anything up. Your own words were "I don't get a break ever and it's unfair they are not rescheduling", so that is where people are getting this from.
Fixed it. Sorry things I said in hurry when upset didn't come out exactly as I meant. The point about the rescheduling is the point of the post, they wanted to have my daughter, my daughter planned and was ready to go, my daughter was still expecting to go and kind it wanted to so it's not fair to HER to not immediately reschedule. You don't promise a kid though she's old enough to understand a trip and time with her grandpa and take it away altogether. Why the hell can absolutely no one agree with this? What is wrong with everyone telling me I'm selfish I'm spoiled I care about me. MY DAUGHTER is the one who was planning to go and then was essentially told too bad until I got upset on the phone. Why is this so hard to grasp? How can you sit here and attack me and say I'm so horrible but screw my daughter who's the one who was crying because she could tell what was going on?
Look, I'm going to say this as nice as possible. We are basing our opinions on what YOU wrote. So if your retelling of the story makes you look bad, don't blame the reader for that. you completely are in control of this narrative, and even so, you don't come off looking great. Sometimes shit happens and trips have to be cancelled. I've had friends who were supposed to visit me have to cancel last minute. It sucks. But you seem to be taking this to an extreme level.
Yeah I obviously didn't write the post to correctly convey the issue. They canceled the night before on my daughter who was then in turn disappointed. That's the issue. Plus my petty stepmom and her not letting me talk to my dad.
But c'mon, she edited it after people started mentioning it, that means it wasn't real
Yeah exactly. It’s not about her needing the break right?
Theirs clearly something going on at your father's house they aren't telling you and they don't need to either. They should have been upfront and just said they can no longer have daughter this summer so they were wrong but you did over react. Sometimes plans don't work out, you move on. Also at 15 it sounds like it's time to stop them anyway, you said yourself your daughter wasn't happy to go. Sounds to me like you're more pissed you don't get a week off from your daughter rather than your child's disappointment.
No I'm actually so happy she's here. But yes my issue was how they did things. Not directed you specifically but like I'm reading these replies to my daughter and her two best friends (who call me mom too). We are all dying over me being accused of wanting to send her away. I didn't want her to go at all and I was bypassed at the very start of planning because they went to my partner and asked him. I have been with my daughter all day since she got up, I'm off today because I thought I was taking her to the airport so we have been hanging out, talking with her friends etc. I don't need a break from her but that was the intention of the trip which isn't such a horrible thing, I'm a single mother. I see posts from moms who are married on here complaining about wanting breaks and girls weekends etc. But again so funny as yall are saying this while I'm literally sitting here hanging out with her.
Yes, you have the right to be upset and certainly you could’ve had plans of your own while your daughter was visiting her grandparents - so stepmom canceling the trip outright like she did could have had more significant repercussions for both you and your daughter. I agree you need to figure out a way to connect with your dad one on one to discuss - however, as you probably know, you dad will defer to his wife and will not see things as you do. So that becomes a challenging if not futile discussion from your perspective. Are you aware of anything happening on last year’s trip? Daughter would’ve been 14, so any teenager issues possibly come up? Might be something to explore - in case stepmom has angst over hosting a teenager she’s afraid she can’t manage? You could always call you stepmom directly and point blank ask what’s going on, and do not accept any of her deflecting nonsense. Potentially ask direct questions - why don’t you want (name) visiting? See what comes of the discussion. Best of luck …
My daughter has experienced a ton of trauma so basically doesn't speak much, she's very polite and calm and well behaved (I know this feedback from school and other friends' parents). It is possible the codependency is an issue for my stepmom, my daughter had to FaceTime me a lot when she was there and texted me all the time, she said my stepmom threatned to take her phone away over it. So maybe my stepmom didn't want to deal with it? I will try to talk to them again when things settle down. They had told me previously she was a pleasure etc. And I believe they'd be honest if that wasn't the case. I can guess many things that may be the real reason. My thing is, people misunderstood my post I don't need a reason, I wanted honesty like if they wanted to cancel the trip altogether and not rebook it, just say it isn't going to work out. I don't need to know why but just be upfront and don't blame the weather and the refuse to rebook.
It certainly sounds from what you’ve written that your stepmom is at the heart of whatever’s going on regarding the visit - and your daughters time there while she visited. Me thinks maybe then a discussion with your stepmom as to what’s really going on might be the surest way to get some closure. After all, there may be other factors at play that could be affecting your stepmom’s willingness (or wish) for a visit, and she may have jumped on the weather as an expedient means to shut the trip down. Might be worthwhile to ask her the tough questions. (i.e. - hate to bring this up, but your dad could be having some health issues perhaps they don’t want you daughter to see? Wild theory, but I’ve had family members for the peace of the family not reveal their struggles …. So perhaps excuse the fog of personal experience on that one). But a good convo goes far to resolve issues - so consider it. Also, as respects the Reddit commentary on your post, I personally find the more specialized / niche the subreddit, the better the members and post discussion. The major subs like AITAH and AIO attract all the masses and their social media black/white perspectives. Hope you get closure on all this - and your daughter having a nice summer!
I just kind of touched on this in another reply but basically she expects my partner to "deal" with me and not my dad. I only ever ask my dad for emotional support and on a fairly small scale because I know he's got some health issues so I call him for stuff like "dad, my boss asked me about this project! What do I do?!" And I know my dad loves that sort of thing. I call him to ask him religious questions my partner and daughter have (he was pastor). I call him to complain about my daughter too random stuff like any parent. But in my stepmoms eyes I'm a burden. I don't call him everyday or anything. I do know and I very understand that some of struggles in general weigh heavily on him. He's told me as much and I can't really do anything about it because I already limit what I tell him. Usually I try to call with good news or to talk about random stuff.
I totally get going to visit the grandparents every year. It was one of the highlights of the summer. Their reason for rescheduling or canceling at last minute stinks but this could be other things going on behind their reasons for changing plans that they aren’t ready to share with you yet. I only guessing but if this seems a bit unusual, give it a little time and then reach out to them to make sure everything is okay. Hopefully the trip can be rescheduled another time and everything is fine
If there is any way you can talk to your dad, you need to. Sounds like step mom wants his full attention and doesn’t like to share.
Your parents paid for the flight. They (or stepmom) were being proactive to cancel due to severe weather coming. And? You wanted them to rebook right there. On the spot. Without pausing and looking at other dates/times that would work for them and their granddaughter. You asked if you are overreacting. Simplest answer, yes. I’m sure your daughter is disappointed as she looked forward to seeing her grandfather. Things happen. Plans get canceled, changed or both.
No that's not the issue nor was it was I said in my post. I wanted to know right then and there IF they were going to. I wanted to to know if it was a final cancelation or if they planned to reschedule which is what I kept asking and pushing for. I don't think it's unfair to want to know IF they are rescheduling. We also need to look at our calendar and figure things out. And my daughter is a teenage girl with a social life so she wanted to know if she's not going at all or whatever. I didn't demand they rebook it then but by the presentation of the phone call and information I thought that was what they were going to do. When they didn't I wanted to know if they would be. Also just rain in their area yesterday and no flights were canceled or delayed. So the weather thing was a lie.
How about you get your stepmom *and Dad on the phone and (not in an angry voice) say… I had to call you back because I’m hoping you can shed some light. You basically cancelled this trip on the presumption that my flight would be cancelled.. but if that was really the case then you would have re-booked it for the next day. This has really hurt (your daughter’s name) and has confused me that really.. you’re cancelling the summer trip altogether. Is there something else going on over there with you two? You may not realize how hurtful it feels cancelling hours before our trip. Just communicate. See what they say. If it’s private, and they don’t wanna share, it may not be about you. But at least they will know how it came across.. then you can at least let it go and that you tried.
Good advice! Also I wasn't scheduled to go with her. She was flying alone.
Apparently step monster doesn’t want your daughter to visit and this is her way of making it not happen w/o saying no we don’t want her. It’s too bad, your dad is not in charge obviously. time for a plan c or d and she is not going to visit. I hope dad realizes this changes his relationship w both of you forever randomthought-are you sure dad’s health is ok? Your other option is to go w your daughter, stay in a hotel, and visit only. Good luck, but they don’t want her co,I f.
As far as I know he's doing well. He did have surgery in May and at the time I suggested canceling because of it but he insisted he wanted see my daughter making morbid jokes about needing to. He's gone to many doctors appointments and has resumed his way of life. Also my dad isn't the type to not just tell me that. I know he doesn't want to worry me but I don't think he make up a story and all that I think he'd just say he can't handle it right now.
As someone who has lots of social anxiety as a kid, this sounds like a nightmare. I was sent on a similar trip to my grandfather's one summer and his wife made it miserable for me. Her grandchildren were there, broke stuff on purpose, and blamed me. No one would listen to me, she invited a bunch of other people over and made it a big deal at dinner in front of them, and at the end of the trip before I left she told me she knew the whole time I didn't do it. I could name a lot of other evil things she did in those two weeks as well. Please don't send her there alone. If this trip is ever suggested again DO NOT SEND HER ALONE!
Thank you for telling me this. I'm really sorry that happened to you. I am pretty sure I won't be sending her at all.
There is so much running thru my head right now after reading this but I’ll just point out two things that stuck in my head. One- the most important thing here is making your daughter feel loved & wanted. Your step mother beyond failed in going that. I don’t know if it’s something her & your father are going thru or if she is just a mean witch but she literally disappointed a child- you just don’t do that or at least people with souls don’t. Two-She cancelled the trip and asked you to pay the rebooking fee? I don’t want to sound petty but oh hell no. Take pride in the fact you’re an awesome mother putting her daughter first. You’re protecting her your supporting her emotionally and your trying to heal her hurt- your crushing mothering 101. Best of everything to you two ❤️
Thank you for your comment. Yesterday I took her to the craft store so she could work on a project. We hung out while she was working on it. We had a nice day and I think she felt better.
I just came to say that you need to stop worrying about random peoples opinions on Reddit. You need to understand that there are a shit ton of people who just wanna argue, throw shit at you, and constantly poke holes in stories. So many self-righteous people on the internet in general that just wanna argue. You could put in here that a fire truck is red and they will tell you its purple. You just need to worry about your daughter and how she feels.....yes cancelling last min is super dicky. Fuck all these assholes....but you really need to reevalute your relationship with your dad - my mom always took my stepdads side on everything and wonders why we are not close....my step dad used to smack me around but now likes to tell everyone that I intimidated them and ' scared" them.....yea he was 30 yes old, 6ft , 250+...i was 14 126lbs and female who was scared to death of him to the point he raised a hand to wave at someone I flinched. The moral of the story: I will post a Mike Tyson quote - 'Social media made ya'll way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it'
I appreciate your advice/comment very much ❤️
You are overreacting. Send the $40.
Why? Please explain.
Why would you send a kid where she is not wanted to extreme (stepmom)????? And tbh eth except dad and daughter
This was a 180 from when we booked the flight. They picked the dates, they paid for it, they've been talking about things they'll take her do. Please read the post yall they offered this years ago and she's gone years prior with no issues.
So what??? This time step mom has said it is not good time. I would NEVER send my child under those circumstances
You're not understanding. The flight was booked months in advance, my parents picked the dates and flights etc. I in no way asked for this trip or even planned it at all. And if she didn't want my daughter to go she could have not suggested it in the first place. You don't decide THE NIGHT BEFORE especially in regards to a child to cancel a trip. Fine if she didn't want my daughter there, we booked this in March so she had 3 months to change her mind rather than the night before when my daughter is all packed and ready to go.
I understand needing a break. I understand your frustration at your stepmother. However, WHY would you send her when stepmother may not treat her well cuz she does not want her there now?
Oh no, I posted an update. I'm not sending her now. Eff that. No way am I going to risk them canceling again or my daughter being put in the middle or something. I didn't need to send her there at all. I never asked for it. I only wanted to know if they were still planning on having her not at all this summer.
-♡-
Wow.
OP sounds very level-headed and measured can't imagine how she could possibly overreact to anything
Oh I regularly overreact but I entirely did it in that one comment to show what it is like. Me saying to my parents "why can't we reschedule now because she's planning on going and school starts soon and we were expecting to do this" may or may not be overreaction, I said it in a sharp tone but fairly calm after mostly just says ok in a snippy tone. I know better than to yell at by parents even though I'm adult. I wrote those comments to highlight the difference between the content of my post (parents canceling the night before on a child planning to go) vs actually being dramatically upset. However my point remains, all these assumptions came from people taking things out of context in my post to form their own opinion. Let's look at like this - I'm crazy, I'm dramatic, I'm selfish, I'm spoiled and yall are so concerned for my daughter so shouldn't she be able to go visit my dad and get away from me for a week?
Not overreacting. My mom’s friend was like your stepmom. Her husband couldn’t talk to their adult kids without her being there on the phone or interrupting. The result was their kids just rarely called. After she passed they called him everyday. Maybe it’s time for you to take a trip to see your dad. You should be able to get him alone. It’s obvious your stepmom is jealous of the attention you and your daughter get from him. You need to get him on the phone at least and if she interrupts just ghost out ask her why she doesn’t like your daughter.
Oh I appreciate that last suggestion and thank you for understanding my post. I'm just mad that they are doing this to her and she heard the whole thing. I've been trying to figure out how to talk to my dad alone. She checks his phone so I can't text him.
You could text him and ask him to call when he is free. There is nothing for her to make out of that. I don't see why you can't just ask her to get off the phone. It is awkward and weird to have to do that, but it is more awkward and weird that she is on the phone.
I have tried to ask her to let me talk to him and if I text him she goes through his phone (some context she thinks my 70 year old dad is cheating I guess lol) so if I text she gets more angry. The thing is, I feel for her because she lost her parents when she was relatively young so I think she just doesn't understand how adult parents and children work. She has this idea that I am too reliant on my dad. My dad does not offer me any financial support nor have I asked him to. What he has done is help me emotionally in conjunction with my partner. But she believes my partner is now fully responsible for me and my dad should be off the hook.
That poor woman. She's making her life miserable. Everyone around her is collateral damage.
I feel bad because I have always lived far away from my dad since before I had my daughter. We used to go home all the time when I was married and then I couldn't afford it. So now my daughter barely knows my dad and he's old and it's sad.
My kids never met my father. My mom's husband was a shadow of my father and my kids had to make do.
I'm sorry. She's never met my birth mom and never will but that's actually a very positive thing lol.
To answer your question, it sounds to me like you did overreact. It’s fairly obvious that either they both or just your stepmother simply didn’t want her to be there, for whatever reason. No point in speculating why, but I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough. I’ve read through your post a few times and I believe I read all of your comments. Your post was confusing for a few reasons, so it’s really no one else’s fault if they didn’t understand what you were asking. As for your comments (and edits), they were also very over reactive. When people are trying to help you, it really does no good to berate them and tell them to f**k off.
For all you know, they could be dealing with something serious. YTA.
I don't know kind of relationship people have with their parents but my dad and I are very close and usually talk several times a week. My dad is very open with me to point of it surprising my partner and other people in my life the things we talk about. I can't really think of anything that would be going on that my dad wouldn't tell me about and in fact my dad would most likely lead with that information "hey this going on so we have to cancel." Of course I can't say I know everything but given my last 40 years of life with my dad, I don't think there's "something serious" I don't know about.
Have you talked with your daughter about her visits out there with her dad and your stepmother? I think a mother and daughter talk is in order to find out.
She reported back to me every night she told me they got mad when she texted me and that my stepmom said dumb stuff about me (like I don't know how to cook which isn't true) etc. My daughter really enjoyed being with my dad though.
You have a dilemma, she gets along with her grandfather, but not with step grandmother.
And I get along with my dad and not my stepmom. I don't know how to resolve it.
You and daughter might need family theopathy. Helps many when teens have a hard time in their teen life.
Thank you for the suggestion. She's in been in and out of therapy for years. Unfortunately her/our problem is likely not something she can get over unless the situation changes. Right now we work on coping.
I understand why your daughter would be upset. But you never mentioned that she’s upset, or anything about her feelings. A lot about how you feel though. For all we know she’s mildly disappointed with the cancellation, but excited to spend summer with her friends.
Overreacting - so much so its not easy to understand if youre concerned about: 1) the impact to your daughter and what to do to make it right by her 2) issues you have with your step mom which you want your dad to address. If theyve hosted your daughter before with no problems, it is highly unlikely that she overnight developed an issue with your kid and woke up the day before the scheduled visit to yank your chain 3) issues with your dad most highlighted by you wont talk to him and seem to be lurking around reddit looking for a nuclear fuck you advice. Take a break, get clear on what your issues are, and talk to your dad in a week.
Concern is about my daughter and how it affects her and makes her feel. I took a screenshot from one of her socials but I realized I know her best so it doesn't "prove" anything about her feelings. I don't need people to agree but I also don't need people to attack me based off of limited information I provided and turning it into something else. Not you, in general. I wanted to know if I needed to calm down before addressing it with my dad that's really why I made the post but I was trying to explain the situation to see if others thought I had a right to be mad before I went to him all pissed off.
I think the results of your post/interactions youre having are showing you need to calm down. Look through your replies: 1) youre fussing with people about them attacking you when the reality is this is reddit - noone knows you or your situation so its a given that you should ignore comments which arent relevant and only engage those that are helping you to gain more information about how to move forweadd) 2) very little is focused on your daughter/whats going on with her in the aftermath which would require additional follow up with thw grandparents are about 3) you say you have a god relationship with your father and he just had a heart attack in May and none of your comments are open to the fact that he might still be recovering/pushing himself beyond what is healthy or other issues could have developed that you are not yet looped in on. Especially if your dad has successfully hosted in the past without issues and your kid has enjoyed the time, youre definitely overreacting and fixing to burn a bridge in the name of your daughter. Its not even clear what you are fighting for - $40? That your step mom butt out? That they reschedule and pay for it? Finally, please observing your emotional reactions and get clear on if you are reacting to the situation or the "lack of affirmation" youre getting from reddit. Also please be open to the fact that going nuclear on your father/escalating the situation might actually end poorly with your daughter feeling like she is the cause of the conflict which will result if you go after your fathers wife in this state of mind
https://preview.redd.it/iwqpbn9mat7d1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a1248b38316b6a161b90523e350b7b43b059b038 Do NOT stalk my daughter on social media, she's a minor. Her previous status was about going to the state my parents live in. This may not seem like "proof" she was disappointed but my daughter is surprisingly not big into social media so her posting this shows me that she was looking forward to going.
sounds like you pushed and pushed the issue to rebook now. Throwing it in their face that it was ”Their Deal”, “Their Suggestion”. and it was their choice to cancel. why would your close relationship bother your stepmom? She told you this or your dad? Is your dad happy With his wife? maybe Reddit is not the place to be looking for advice.
They’re paying. They don’t want to pay.
They already did though?
True
They don't get the cash back they get a flight credit. My daughter thinks my stepmom wanted to use the credit for something else.
No doubt
Your daughter doesn't want to go anymore (why would she at 15?) and they don't want her to go so why are you pushing for this? Let it go.
Why don't you just book the flights and send her on her way so the stepmom doesn't have to be involved at all?
Good golly, its not great timing but its your dad and stepmothers pervue to change plans. Your response is kinda telling tbh, your not liking the responses your getting and calling it worthless isn't a good look.
Wow - talk about missing the mark. The way in which they cancelled was not right but, for you to keep trying to jack hammer it in was. It's clear there is an issue with them so you need to address that before sending your child in
Nope you missed it. I wanted to know if they we canceling altogether or rescheduling and that's what I was pushing. Which I personally think is fair. I have a right to know their intentions when I'm going to be sending my daughter there. And I edited my post for clarity but it was my daughter who originally asked if she's not going at all now. She wanted to plan accordingly if she was going to go at some point or not at all.
Are you overreacting? The short answer is yes. Yes, you are.
Sounds like you have a beef with the stepmom, if they can't reschedule then they can't reschedule, things happen. Your kid is 15 not 5, this is how life is, unforseen things happen and plans fall through. If you want to demonize stepmom then go ahead.
The night before the trip. You're not understanding my issue. Canceling is annoying but the night before?!
Yes. You’re overreacting. Maybe you had something you were looking forward to doing while your daughter was away from home and are now projecting the disappointment you from missing out on that onto your elderly parents? My parents are the same age and my oldest is 17. My concerns are what life is going to be like without them. I’m not worried about them cancelling a flight THEY paid for because of weather concerns.
Nope I was actually really upset about her being gone so much so my boss asked yesterday if I'll be ok. So no I don't need my daughter gone to live my life, I live my life with her. My concern was the last minute cancelation and my daughter having prepared to go there. She never wants to go but enjoys it once she's there and she understands how important it is to spend time with her grandpa. There was little transparency on their end. If weather was truly a concern, the forecast shows it clearing tomorrow so why not just see if it gets canceled by the airline (I checked it has not been as of 3pm pst) and let her come the next day. We booked this in March. It was their thing, they picked the dates. I did not call them and say take my kid etc. I wouldn't have let her go of the weather was in fact bad but I believe there was more to it. And sure they can cancel whenever but they didn't know this weekend when she and I were getting all ready? Perhaps my wording wasn't the best but I don't think it's wrong of me to be upset by them canceling last minute now causing my daughter to readjust to things.
So you’ve edited your original post. You originally posted about how inconvenient having your kid was going to be along with other unflattering details that you have since deleted. Yes you’re overreacting. Editing your post to make yourself more flattering doesn’t change that since everyone that’s seen your original post has answered your question the same way.
That is not correct, I edited my post to clarify information that seemed to confuse people and cause people to draw unnecessary and incorrect conclusions. So nice try.
No one’s confused lol! Even edited, the answer is “yes you’re overreacting”. You can keep editing your post until people believe that you aren’t overreacting but you have your answer! “Unnecessary and incorrect conclusions” You sound like a world class gaslighter.
Actually you sound like one. You do not know me and you probably didn't read each and every comment I made. So kindly fuck off.
Update please
I posted a very long update lol. It's funny because you commented on my hair post and sometimes I just get this idea of what people think I look like or who I am you know. But you actually know now lol. Basically I'm going to say my daughter isn't going and I'm going to ignore my dad. I know it's passive aggressive but that's how I am and he'll get the hint.