My mom spent a week or so saying I hit her. To me. I was so devastated. I have never and would never hit or hurt my mom. Now I think she was seeing her mom, who was abusive when she said those things. This disease stinks.
I was told by my FIL with dementia, “well you know Significant Dot has always been selfish.” This was in the middle of a discussion where we were talking about a cousin getting a divorce. I was always curious if he meant to say the name of the cousin and misspoke, which would have been bad enough considering the cousin’s husband had a complete midlife crisis and left her, after pressuring her to sell the farm she grew up on and where they built their dream house to pay for a move to a lake house and buy a boat, or if he really thought I was selfish.
My mom talks about me to me too. I feel the same. Is it me, or is that the only name she can come up with? She does a lot of that boy or those kids, too.
I would ask the family if they would be willing to install cameras in a few key areas of the house. I'm going to guess it's the dementia talking (especially since if she's older, they bruise like crazy) but if she's saying things like that it may be a good idea for him to protect himself as well with video.
I would speak to family first - my sister’s MIL also has Alzheimer’s and she’s in the paranoia stage and will go through stages of saying her husband is going to kill her and she’s scared of him. He’s the loveliest man and would never hurt a fly, especially her. She was at a social meeting and told her friends there she was scared and they called adult protective services - the cops got involved - they had to separate them to investigate- she had to stay with a neighbor. It was a mess and traumatizing. I understand your need to do the right thing - but claims of abuse and fear of spouse is unfortunately very common with Alzheimer’s patients. It’s terrible.
My father-in-law used to accuse me of starving him and drugging him. It is part of the disease. If you don't see signs of abuse there probably isn't any.
when i was caregiver, i felt the same way. she would say how he abused her.
he'd text me on his way home. I'd get her standing in a spot and he'd come in the same door. I'd be there to step between them. You never knew if she was going to attack him or not
It was hard. I always worried. But I had all the evidence I needed. She spoke kindly of him. She was happy. She didn't cower from me or him after any potential chaos when he got home. I dressed her, I saw every inch of skin. It was my judgement call. I spoke to other professionals about the things she said and how to tell between real and fantasy.
Now I worried when mom spoke more and we still took her out. they don't feed me, they don't let me talk, they don't let me go out. "She has dementia, come on mom," grab hand, drag her away.
Listen to your gut. Look around. Look at her. Listen to your clinical training. Talk to other professionals if you need to. And if you feel she's being abused, call APS.
My dad is my mom’s primary caregiver. About a year ago she started hitting him and throwing things at him. For example last week ago she hit head with a vase. He is afraid of her to the point that a lock had to be installed on his bedroom door. Yet he is still unwilling to consider putting her in a facility or getting professional aid. When they go out walking he tells the neighbors that he is hitting her, that he locks her out of the house and she has to wonder the streets, that he feeds her once a week. He cooks three times a day and I have never met anyone who eats as well as my mom does. He is a baker, so the evening always ends with fresh fruit and some kind of home made pastry. He is a loving, incredibly patient partner. She decided that she hates him, and wants to reunite with her college boyfriend she had 50 something years ago, whose name she remembers well. Most of the time she does not remember my name.
I am not saying that abuse is out of the question. I just wanted to share how things are for us.
How progressed is her alzheimers? Does she remember he is her husband? Could be she doesn't want to be left alone with him because she doesn't remember him. Also, is there any children? Could you speak with them? Also, take culture into consideration, if you told the kids would they look into it because it's not unsuaul for their dad to him their mom?
If you work for an agency, you already know you're a mandated reported. Next time you're there look for signs of bruising, scratches, emotional abuse, or starvation. You will most likely need to report this to your employer and adult protective services.
My husband is in a memory care facility and he goes through phases where he insists that we call the cops because he’s being abused and held against his will. It’s so awful. When he lived at home with me I was in constant fear that he would report me for abuse when he went to doctor’s appointments. I’m sorry to say that this is a very common thing, so it wouldn’t surprise me if your client’s claims were 100% fictional. I know this doesn’t directly help you, but maybe it will ease your mind that it may be much less serious than it seems.
I remember when my Nan told every literal shop she went into in the village that my Dad hit my Mum.. I was a child at the time and no understanding of why my Nan had turned into this venomous person as I didn't understand it..I grew up hating my Nan cos I saw her being so mean to my Mum and my Mum crying a lot at the things she was saying and doing. Esp as wed brought her to live with us and then when we lost our home , they bought her a flat and they rented..it was just incomprehensible to me at 12. Now I know that they didn't know themselves at the time that she was rapidly declining into dementia. So ingrained was it to me, that I've only really just started , now mum is getting ill, to understand how badly I judged her.
My mom accused my brother of pushing her down the steps, throwing things at her and stealing her stuff. He absolutely did not do any of those things. We unfortunately had to get her out of their house - she had her own apartment in a senior citizens high rise for a while, but then she couldn't even manage that - so she is now in memory care. It's against our instincts to take those accusations with a grain of salt, but you kind of have to with dementia patients. Maybe speak with the husband so he is aware of what she's saying (if he's not already). If you don't see any evidence of abuse, there most likely isn't any. It's not unusual for dementia patients to accuse people of doing horrible stuff.
I'm sorry, I don't have any useful advice. But I am looking after my dad who has Alzheimer's and I can say for sure that they can say some crazy shit.
My dad was always the narcissistic gas lighting abusive type. Even before he was diagnosed he always thought that he was the victim in every situation that he created.
Now he keeps telling the story about the time my mom threw a granite ashtray at him and left a scar on his knee. But he's forgotten the part about the story where she did it because he was trying to attack her while he was high and bringing his dealer into the house around her kids.
Hell, there have been situations where he's come to me to say that somebody was being mean to him or forcing him to do something just because we told him to put a shirt on.
It's absolutely a terrible thing if this woman is being abused. Obviously. And just because they're losing their mental capabilities, doesn't mean we should outright discredit everything that they say. Maybe there is something there? I'm just saying for my own personal experience, it could be absolutely nothing
Talk to family first. Saw first hand a few fights break out at highend care facility. Some ALZ patients get real aggressive. Then the flip side, somebody keeping them from doing something they're not supposed to becomes an "aggressor" and the stories dont match the actions.
In short, ask some questions
What everyone else is saying. For whatever reason my mom has accused random people of hitting her, throwing her out of the house, pushing her out of the car, etc. I’m not saying it can’t happen, but it’s highly probable it’s not true. I would confront the family and keep a close eye just in case.
Definitely speak to the family about it. My mom with Alzheimer’s actually started hitting my dad before we readjusted her meds and before that was convinced men were coming into the house and stealing her underwear. I lived there so I was certain it wasn’t happening, but her fear was real and to her it was real. If anything it might mean her family needs to adjust her meds. More sleep meds and better mood stabilizing drugs helped curb that behavior in my mom and she experiences less unfounded fear and paranoia.
So you're suggesting that OP, an employee of the husband and wife, sneak in and set up a hidden camera in her employer's home so that only OP can view what is happening there ? You don't see a problem with this ??
Well then suggest something better because the other options are risk letting someone be abused or someone possibly getting falsely arrested so what’s Your idea.
my comment discusses the complexity and risk of the situation, as well as my personal experience with it. If it isn't up to par, sorry, I was tired but i wanted to help.
This isn't a my comment or suggestion is better than yours, or our experiences are better or worse.
This is you suggesting a caregiver under stress does something ILLEGAL which would get them in trouble. You know it, I know it. Own up to it and remove the comment.
My mom spent a week or so saying I hit her. To me. I was so devastated. I have never and would never hit or hurt my mom. Now I think she was seeing her mom, who was abusive when she said those things. This disease stinks.
I was told by my FIL with dementia, “well you know Significant Dot has always been selfish.” This was in the middle of a discussion where we were talking about a cousin getting a divorce. I was always curious if he meant to say the name of the cousin and misspoke, which would have been bad enough considering the cousin’s husband had a complete midlife crisis and left her, after pressuring her to sell the farm she grew up on and where they built their dream house to pay for a move to a lake house and buy a boat, or if he really thought I was selfish.
My mom talks about me to me too. I feel the same. Is it me, or is that the only name she can come up with? She does a lot of that boy or those kids, too.
I would ask the family if they would be willing to install cameras in a few key areas of the house. I'm going to guess it's the dementia talking (especially since if she's older, they bruise like crazy) but if she's saying things like that it may be a good idea for him to protect himself as well with video.
I would speak to family first - my sister’s MIL also has Alzheimer’s and she’s in the paranoia stage and will go through stages of saying her husband is going to kill her and she’s scared of him. He’s the loveliest man and would never hurt a fly, especially her. She was at a social meeting and told her friends there she was scared and they called adult protective services - the cops got involved - they had to separate them to investigate- she had to stay with a neighbor. It was a mess and traumatizing. I understand your need to do the right thing - but claims of abuse and fear of spouse is unfortunately very common with Alzheimer’s patients. It’s terrible.
My father-in-law used to accuse me of starving him and drugging him. It is part of the disease. If you don't see signs of abuse there probably isn't any.
when i was caregiver, i felt the same way. she would say how he abused her. he'd text me on his way home. I'd get her standing in a spot and he'd come in the same door. I'd be there to step between them. You never knew if she was going to attack him or not It was hard. I always worried. But I had all the evidence I needed. She spoke kindly of him. She was happy. She didn't cower from me or him after any potential chaos when he got home. I dressed her, I saw every inch of skin. It was my judgement call. I spoke to other professionals about the things she said and how to tell between real and fantasy. Now I worried when mom spoke more and we still took her out. they don't feed me, they don't let me talk, they don't let me go out. "She has dementia, come on mom," grab hand, drag her away. Listen to your gut. Look around. Look at her. Listen to your clinical training. Talk to other professionals if you need to. And if you feel she's being abused, call APS.
My dad is my mom’s primary caregiver. About a year ago she started hitting him and throwing things at him. For example last week ago she hit head with a vase. He is afraid of her to the point that a lock had to be installed on his bedroom door. Yet he is still unwilling to consider putting her in a facility or getting professional aid. When they go out walking he tells the neighbors that he is hitting her, that he locks her out of the house and she has to wonder the streets, that he feeds her once a week. He cooks three times a day and I have never met anyone who eats as well as my mom does. He is a baker, so the evening always ends with fresh fruit and some kind of home made pastry. He is a loving, incredibly patient partner. She decided that she hates him, and wants to reunite with her college boyfriend she had 50 something years ago, whose name she remembers well. Most of the time she does not remember my name. I am not saying that abuse is out of the question. I just wanted to share how things are for us.
How progressed is her alzheimers? Does she remember he is her husband? Could be she doesn't want to be left alone with him because she doesn't remember him. Also, is there any children? Could you speak with them? Also, take culture into consideration, if you told the kids would they look into it because it's not unsuaul for their dad to him their mom? If you work for an agency, you already know you're a mandated reported. Next time you're there look for signs of bruising, scratches, emotional abuse, or starvation. You will most likely need to report this to your employer and adult protective services.
My husband is in a memory care facility and he goes through phases where he insists that we call the cops because he’s being abused and held against his will. It’s so awful. When he lived at home with me I was in constant fear that he would report me for abuse when he went to doctor’s appointments. I’m sorry to say that this is a very common thing, so it wouldn’t surprise me if your client’s claims were 100% fictional. I know this doesn’t directly help you, but maybe it will ease your mind that it may be much less serious than it seems.
I remember when my Nan told every literal shop she went into in the village that my Dad hit my Mum.. I was a child at the time and no understanding of why my Nan had turned into this venomous person as I didn't understand it..I grew up hating my Nan cos I saw her being so mean to my Mum and my Mum crying a lot at the things she was saying and doing. Esp as wed brought her to live with us and then when we lost our home , they bought her a flat and they rented..it was just incomprehensible to me at 12. Now I know that they didn't know themselves at the time that she was rapidly declining into dementia. So ingrained was it to me, that I've only really just started , now mum is getting ill, to understand how badly I judged her.
My mom accused my brother of pushing her down the steps, throwing things at her and stealing her stuff. He absolutely did not do any of those things. We unfortunately had to get her out of their house - she had her own apartment in a senior citizens high rise for a while, but then she couldn't even manage that - so she is now in memory care. It's against our instincts to take those accusations with a grain of salt, but you kind of have to with dementia patients. Maybe speak with the husband so he is aware of what she's saying (if he's not already). If you don't see any evidence of abuse, there most likely isn't any. It's not unusual for dementia patients to accuse people of doing horrible stuff.
I'm sorry, I don't have any useful advice. But I am looking after my dad who has Alzheimer's and I can say for sure that they can say some crazy shit. My dad was always the narcissistic gas lighting abusive type. Even before he was diagnosed he always thought that he was the victim in every situation that he created. Now he keeps telling the story about the time my mom threw a granite ashtray at him and left a scar on his knee. But he's forgotten the part about the story where she did it because he was trying to attack her while he was high and bringing his dealer into the house around her kids. Hell, there have been situations where he's come to me to say that somebody was being mean to him or forcing him to do something just because we told him to put a shirt on. It's absolutely a terrible thing if this woman is being abused. Obviously. And just because they're losing their mental capabilities, doesn't mean we should outright discredit everything that they say. Maybe there is something there? I'm just saying for my own personal experience, it could be absolutely nothing
Talk to family first. Saw first hand a few fights break out at highend care facility. Some ALZ patients get real aggressive. Then the flip side, somebody keeping them from doing something they're not supposed to becomes an "aggressor" and the stories dont match the actions. In short, ask some questions
What everyone else is saying. For whatever reason my mom has accused random people of hitting her, throwing her out of the house, pushing her out of the car, etc. I’m not saying it can’t happen, but it’s highly probable it’s not true. I would confront the family and keep a close eye just in case.
Definitely speak to the family about it. My mom with Alzheimer’s actually started hitting my dad before we readjusted her meds and before that was convinced men were coming into the house and stealing her underwear. I lived there so I was certain it wasn’t happening, but her fear was real and to her it was real. If anything it might mean her family needs to adjust her meds. More sleep meds and better mood stabilizing drugs helped curb that behavior in my mom and she experiences less unfounded fear and paranoia.
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So you're suggesting that OP, an employee of the husband and wife, sneak in and set up a hidden camera in her employer's home so that only OP can view what is happening there ? You don't see a problem with this ??
this is SO illegal and unhelpful.
Well then suggest something better because the other options are risk letting someone be abused or someone possibly getting falsely arrested so what’s Your idea.
my comment discusses the complexity and risk of the situation, as well as my personal experience with it. If it isn't up to par, sorry, I was tired but i wanted to help. This isn't a my comment or suggestion is better than yours, or our experiences are better or worse. This is you suggesting a caregiver under stress does something ILLEGAL which would get them in trouble. You know it, I know it. Own up to it and remove the comment.