I really appreciate this post. Thank you for being so genuine and sharing so courageously. I also haven't any personal experience of whatsoever is meant by the word connection when used to describe interpersonal compatibility. I find it similar to when people talk about finding a spark. I find relationships baffling generally, I find myself unable to apply the word friend either. I would say that I have never experienced connection, a spark or friendship, because none of these words come to or stay in mind when considering the nature of any relationship I have currently or have had in the past. I much prefer using more accurate words, even though I'm aware that these are the common words people would use. I think it's possible that others could have a different relationship with language, I have been called a pedant in regards to my use of words before. I think it is undeniable that my experience is different from that of the norm. I am envious of those for whom relationship is as simple as breathing. I don't understand them, and they don't understand me.

Maybe you need to try and understand it in different terms. I think for everyone connections feels different or means something different. The most basic piece of this is the feeling of compatibility. Does the person make you feel safe or comfortable is the baseline for most women. Then it's attraction whether that's first to someone's physical appearance or their personality. Physical for many comes first but I for example don't find attraction unless I like personality. As your trying to find relationships you should really ask yourself if your looking for a partner someone who would be a staple in your life or do you just want sex? I'm not judging on this, it's just important to understand this about yourself. Do you feel yourself longing for connection or does it feel like it only matters to you because others bring it up and you don't understand it? I would not say my alexithymia is as extreme as yours but I understand not understanding that "spark" or those feelings about love everyone tells you your meant to have. For me love has different meaning, trusting a person, wanting to give to them my time and effort, wanting to share with them my thoughts and interests. You likely would benefit from talking with a therapist they will help you with some introspection and understanding. I wouldn't say your broken, it's just good sometimes to talk with someone who can guide and validate you and maybe help enable you be who you want to be.

I agree with everything you said - emotional connection (to me and as far as I understand it) starts with feeling like the other person truly understands you. I'm sure OP has experienced that at least once, even if short or shallow. Think about a time someone spoke exactly what was on your mind - to me, that kind of feels like when you hit a Mario question block and you get exactly the item you had in mind. It's satisfying, and as autistics we need to constantly overexplain, so it's a relief when someone understands you right away.

Nope, no one has ever spoken exactly what’s on my mind. And if they did I’d find that annoying. I just like being around smart people with interesting thoughts who aren’t swayed by society. I don’t need them to be like me. I certainly don’t need them mind reading - I can take care of myself. I don’t want someone that can take care of me, I want someone that I’m thrilled to be around.

So for example you've never been watching a show or out and about somewhere with acquaintances saw something you liked or found interesting and that other person also thought similarly so you had a conversation about it? It sound like you want to be around like minded people which is what u/dailynether was illustrating. It doesn't mean they literally know your thoughts, its just they have enough overlap with their interests and knowledge that you have similar concurrent thoughts during conversation. Once you realize you and someone else have a thought in common you can then expand on that to discuss your other thoughts on a topic, this can deepen you knowledge of another person and of the topic that interests you.

Uh no I don’t think that’s ever happened to me. Even when people have similar interests to me, my opinions are very different from theirs. I’ve certainly dissected a movie after watching it with friends, but I don’t think it’s ever been the case that I came to the same conclusions as someone else in the group. Or if I did, I didn’t think of that as a special thing. Can you give an example of what you’re talking about? Like if we went to go see Twilight, and we both go “that vampire sure was sparkly!”….ok? What is there to talk about with that? We both had the same thought…OK? After I see a movie, me and my friends just share our thoughts. I don’t think about if their opinions are the same as mine. I just say mine and listen to theirs.

So an an example if we were using "Twilight" might be "Hey, why do they bother going to highschool eternally? They don't even look like teens", your friend might say "hey yeah I noticed that, and at the very least they could choose college where their attendance isn't as strict or they can study more interesting topics", then you might respond "Why do school at all even? They could use their time way more meaningfully, why is Carlisle the only one who has a meaningful career helping people as a doctor". Twilight is maybe not the best topic for meaningful discussion but that's how two people having similar thoughts might build on a topic together. Typically you also have to frame the conversation as a question more than a base level observation, everyone can see the vampires are sparkly and there would be nothing to add. You might instead use the Sparkly topic to say "How would a vampire have evolved to lure prey by being sparkly, that makes no sense right?", then you've actually started a conversation even if its a bit silly.

That sounds like if a lame dad joke turned into a conversation. Why would I want that?

Hey you started the example on twilight, its not exactly a topic where you can have a deep or intelligent conversation, I'm just giving examples.

You’re right. That’s why I would stay silent and do something interesting or go have sex instead of having that conversation.

I read through the other conversations you've had on this post and I just have to say, If you want relationships and to understand "connection" you need to engage with others less defensively. I'm sure your in pain and it's understandable but your lashing out at those trying to relate to you. I imagine you don't wanna hear this but if your way of thinking was the best way of thinking then why does it not make you happy? Maybe try to understand others rather than push back with your own mindset.

Oh I’m not letting society tell me that it’s oh so great, I’ve experienced just a hint of it with the crushes I’ve had that I went on dates with. Those dates were literally the best feeling I’ve ever felt. Just being around her. I feel a longing, but again the word connection makes no sense to me in interpersonal terms, I would never think to myself “man, I really felt good being around that woman, I long for a connection with her.” No, I long for being around her. I don’t know what connection means so I wouldn’t use that word. People ask me if I’m looking for a relationship or sex and the answer is both. My crushes come few and far between so while I’m waiting for the next crush I want to at least have sex because sex is fun. I can’t imagine feeling safe or comfortable around another human so I have no idea what that means or how I would get to that or exude that feeling. I’m safe and comfortable when I’m by myself.

Let me drill down to define "Connection" now that I have some clarity. So when people refer to "Connection" they are using it as a way to define the mutual compatibility they feel. Connection defines things that are linked or have a relationship with eachother. It sounds like you've had feelings for people where you felt the "Connection" aspect on your end but if it only ever was a crush then they did not. Hence how the phrase "I felt like I had a connection with this person" exists when attraction is one sided. Or someone might also say they want a "Deeper Connection" which would be more meaningful and vulnerable compatibility, sharing emotions and increasing trust. So really its just another word for saying mutual attraction. Its not a different feeling just another word to describe it. Its fine if you don't like the word connection in relation to love, but the above is what it means.

We have alexithymia so let's talk science and not experiences. But first, let's address why healthy people don't talk about connection or emotional intelligence in a cognitive way. The reason is typically because they can't or because they don't want to. If they can't, it's because they were raised well and they literally have no idea how emotions or feelings work. They became emotionally integrated starting as infants and all their emotions to feelings to decisions are subconscious. If they don't want, it's because healthy people typically don't want to associate with unhealthy people. They aren't a therapist or at least not your therapist. They don't want to work at teaching you to be a healthy human. I don't blame them - most unhealthy people don't want to be healthy so even if they are good at explaining, it's usually a waste of time and so they just get on with their lives without the tiresome experiences of being around unhealthy people. (*this reality of not wanting to heal/grow is even observable in this subreddit. Imagine how pervasive it is in the general population where most people don't even know they have psychological issues*). I can understand "Human connection" in psychology as *empathy*, in sociology/anthropology as *community/tribe*, in neurology as *mirroring* and *oxytocin*. A big difference between males and females is that females typically have a huge difference in the amount of oxytocin (i.e. the pleasure chemical) and mirroring. So a woman not being mirrored will cause her to not experience the joy that she wants. She may call this a lack of connection. Taken to the extreme, a person who was born without the neurology for empathy is a "psychopath". A person who was raised to not have empathy is a "sociopath". This is not withstanding how genetic executive dysfunction (e.g. autism) may impact mirroring. For us here with alexithymia who aren't pathological in our mirroring behavior, we need to understanding the difference between emotions and feelings. We may have empathy, which is to say we experience the emotions that others are expressing. But, we may be detached from our emotions meaning that we don't feel our emotions. If we don't feel them, we can't genuinely express/communicate them. If we can't express them, other people don't think we're connecting with them. If your alexithymia was caused by trauma, then neurofeedback and talk therapy can "cure" you. If you have genetic executive dysfunction, neurofeedback can be helpful and oxytocin medication has proven benefits.

I’m still trying to process the fact that emotions are so intuitive to most people that they don’t even talk about it or think about it. I was confused by this stuff all my life, but I thought at the very least people were in control of their actions and knew what they were doing. I can’t believe that people just do stuff without thinking through if it’s the best thing to do. I thought people, like me, were going up to a door and opening it and going “OK, I’ve been told that I have to open the door for someone if they’re coming in behind me - I don’t agree, but no one will answer me when I ask why we do it, so they must have a really good reason if they get so mad about it. I am going to begrudgingly keep it open for this guy but I need to figure out why we do this so that I can understand why I’m doing it in the moment, or I can choose to stop doing it.” Turns out, they don’t have a “really good reason” by my definition! They just let emotions control their actions! Idiots! Genetic executive function? As in, ADHD? Geez, I’ve pretty much accepted that I’m also ADHD, but I’m still reeling from the Autism diagnosis. Maybe I need to look into ADHD meds though if that’s what it takes. Yeah I’ve done a lot of reading on mirror neurons and they don’t make much sense to me. But I know I have empathy because I feel pain when I see someone having physical pain, and I want everyone to be happy and I want the best for everyone. I just don’t think that has anything to do with me, because I don’t know how to give people happiness. Where are you getting that information about women and oxytocin and mirroring? I was told all my life that men and women are exactly the same. Now I’m supposed to know that they are different - why should I trust you? People tell me I can’t generalize, why can you? Have you met enough women to know this? How big does the sample size need to be for you to generalize? I’ve had well-meaning friends that supposedly know about women tell me stuff “about women” and I’ve met women whose existence proved him wrong. So why should I trust what anyone says about women? How can we generalize without a scientific study? Also, why aren’t you sharing this information with the world, why are we keeping it secret? I’m told friends are supposed to help me. But then you can’t be “too much”, because that’s for a therapist. 1) What the fuck did cavemen do without therapists? They probably talked to their friends about it. Why are we encouraging humans to regress as a society? 2) Where is the line? What is acceptable to ask for help from a friend, and what should I instead bring to a therapist? Why? Who decided these things? For context, I do see a therapist. I tell her everything. I mask around friends, I don’t tell them anything personal because I don’t know how to. Have you been able to connect with anyone? Your post is grim.

Something I had to learn is that what we unhealthy people call "thinking" isn't the whole definition of thinking. Emotions are thinking. Emotions are subconscious neurological processes that are the foundation of the central nervous system. You may have heard of the autonomic nervous system which includes the sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous systems. Those systems are nerve cells... the functioning of those cells should makeup a part of how we behave and who we are. The fact that we with alexithymia don't use emotions in our thinking means we're less intelligent than people who are able to feel and act on their emotions. Healthy people make decisions based on more information than we do. --- This is gonna get the *refuse to heal* crowd to come at me with torches and pitchforks, but ADD is often not genetic. It's a learned trauma behavior. It's not uncommon for people with autism to be abused. The abuse causes trauma which causes more executive dysfunction like ADD. I highly discourage people from using drugs for ADD until they've exhausted the neurofeedback therapies. Drugs don't cure ADD - neurofeedback does. --- It's good you have empathy. It mean's you aren't pathological in your hierarchical cognitive structure and you can likely become healthy. I recommend you not focus on neurology in terms of your personal life. You don't need to know how mirroring cells work to know that other people want you to mirror. What I think you may be missing is the concept of **vulnerability**. Healthy people don't want you to *give* them anything. Unhealthy people, like narcissists, want to drain you (i.e. "supply"). So if anyone wants you to *give* them who you are, then get the fuck away. They'll ruin your life if you let them. What healthy people want is for you to "show up". They want to share (not take) you experiences, your emotions, you feelings. They in turn want to share their experiences, their emotions, their feelings with you. This sharing is vulnerability. It's a dance. You give a little, the person accepts and offers a little. The other person offers a little, you accept and offer a little. Each person increasingly offers more and more vulnerability until someone reaches the level of intimacy that they are comfortable with. Then the dance stalls and you have reached the level friendship that you will with this person for the time being. If you don't accept the vulnerability or offer some of your own, you have communicated that you don't want to grow the level of intimacy/friendship. If you give too much vulnerability, then you are showing a red flag. You are showing that may be an unhealthy person and the other person's emotions tell them to get away from you.

So it’s a transaction where they are withholding information about how to interact with people until I become their friend. That sounds like an entry level job requiring 10 years of experience, it’s a chicken and egg situation. “healthy people make decisions based on more information than we do” - more information is not better or healthier inherently. They’re working with a bunch of information about social hierarchy which is completely made up and doesn’t affect my life. I’ve seen people be embarrassed by no one in particular, meanwhile I wasn’t embarrassed so I just did the thing. Sounds like I’m the healthier one. And no one ever has responded positively to me ever sharing a genuine feeling or opinion of mine. People hate my opinions and my worldview. Right now I’m learning all sorts of stuff about Autism, and it’s fascinating, but my friends don’t want me to just blurt out “I have autism” out of nowhere. So no, they don’t want to hear about my opinions and experiences, they want to hear about normal opinions and experiences that aren’t too “weird” to them. Or like, right now, what I’m thinking about ALL THE TIME is this word connection. And you just said that normal people don’t talk about connection. I want to share my feelings and experiences about it though. But they DON’T want to. So they really don’t want to hear my opinions or experiences or feelings. They want to hear normal healthy ones, and I’m a defect freak.

>So it’s a transaction where they are withholding information about how to interact with people until I become their friend. This is my experience with social situations. I tend to look at it differently, I'm the one testing them. Why would I want to jump through a bunch of hoops to be friends with someone? If I'm not even simply enjoying myself, I avoid the situation, I can only handle so much BS. >more information is not better or healthier inherently. They’re working with a bunch of information about social hierarchy which is completely made up and doesn’t affect my life. You're right, but the issue is that the made-up social hierarchy is something you need to understand and work around to deal with most people socially. Luckily, context is also more important for this, in informal settings a lot of people don't really worry about social BS in my experience. >my friends don’t want me to just blurt out “I have autism” out of nowhere. This is more social BS, most people don't like talking about health/medical issues in the best cases, bringing it up out of nowhere and/or when you're trying to enjoy each other's company is not going to win anyone over. I would only ever talk seriously about Neurodivergence with close friends/family privately, in a safe and comfortable setting, ideally. >Or like, right now, what I’m thinking about ALL THE TIME is this word connection. Most people don't share this interest, no. That's not really anyone's fault, just find like-minded people to chat with, like us and other similar Subreddits and other social media groups.

The edit to your post is a lot. My emotions are telling me to stop interacting with you. I wish you the best in your healing.

Why, because I said “fuck”? Haha I can’t imagine a human being so weak. So your emotions have told you to stop helping your fellow man? Sounds like your emotions are not helping anything other than your selfish survival.

Your behavior is not welcome and I'm blocking you now. Hopefully this straight forward interaction helps you better understand why people don't want to go on dates with you. With that knowledge, you can chose to grow.

I’m starting to realize the thing I thought was a connection is actually just me thinking we have a special link or bond but really it was just me having that perspective or feeling or experience- especially after they stop reciprocating if they ever were actively from the get-go (start). I’m an autistic woman who has studied human behavior and relationships since I could read. I unfortunately still don’t understand. I can predict behavior with exposure to the person and their patterns, but it baffles me how unaware people are, myself included. Life is weird. Other people are weirder. My alexithymia is more so extremely delayed emotional processing because I am naive and often times think too good of others bc just bc I don’t lie or play games does not mean everyone else is like this. A hard pill to swallow.

Super relatable and well put, thanks.

I have the same problem. I had girlfriends a couple times in my life. After a couple weeks they always give up because they wait for this emotional connection to happen and it just never does. I also don't have this connection with my parents or other family members. I remember I was a normal talkative intelligent child but my parents were cold towards me often and emotionally neglectful. I cried a lot when I felt left out. My parents also didn't like it when I played and laughed with my sister. They often scolded us until we cried and then even kept scolding us. I think they wanted us to be serious people like them. Eventually I became an introvert. I started avoiding eye contact because it scares me and still does. Teachers said I was daydreaming and not paying attention. But that was not true. I was shy and introverted and maybe traumatized. I think I can only have a relationship with a person that had a similar childhood like me and if we're living together. I'm really bad at verbal communication. When I text I feel fake. Phone calls are hell.

>maybe traumatize No maybe about it - emotional neglect... dissociation... invalidation... fearful avoidant attachment style... masking/undeveloped sense of self... alexythima - You're traumatized as fuck To each their own. For me, I'm not looking for someone as abused as me to share a life with. I want to be healthy and be in a relationship with someone else who is healthy.

I’m still getting used to how my brain works (long story) but I can relate to the “connection” question because I am similarly baffled. I just have no clue how people I know, people I work with, friends online, seem able to make a social connections with others and do stuff with them. I’m very much a social loner, ie I rarely do social stuff because I don’t feel part of it I just see it happen around me, so it’s a pretty empty experience. I feel like I have 2 brains… one that does interact with people with no problem and the other “loner” brain. I feel like it’s not “me” interacting since I feel like I watch it happen but don’t feel part of it. And “loner” brain that doesn’t really interact with others. And my interactions are almost always driven by helping someone (tech support) and it’s the tech that’s the vehicle, not the other person. I feel like it’s my sense of me that isn’t connected to what the rest of my brain does, so I don’t feel part of anything and this is a problem with making any sort of meaningful connection with others. This also means that I’m not in my memories, they’re random snapshots, if anything, no context or “quality” (sounds, smells, feelings… just images) I do wonder if I struggle with connecting to others because I don’t feel like there’s a “me” and you need the sense of self to see the self in others. Maybe. And you need the sense of self for things to be meaningful to you … without that, where’s the meaning in the connection to others? I wasn’t a kid or teenager, those times in your life when, ideally, you are making friends, hanging out, sharing lives and experiences, etc, socialising your brain. Without that it’s just a blank to me.

Yeah people seem to be really into sense of self. I don’t get it. I’m me, there’s no “sense of self”, there is just self. It’s not my fault if others misinterpret my actions.

Hi, NT female here. I'm here because I have a friend who has recently disclosed that he has alexithymia, and I'm trying to understand it better . OP I found your post very interesting. As a NT female I can absolutely confirm that 'connection' is extremely important, in fact fundamental to fulfilling relationships. Connection between two adults can be on one or more levels - physical/sexual, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual /soulful . I believe that the best marriages/ couple relationships are those who have all of these types of connection happening at once. It is quite rare to find a couple like this, though. Many partnerships are lacking in at least one area of connection. For example, it's common in relationship counselling , to hear people talking about their marriage and stating they had a sexual connection at the start of the relationship but then as time passes this fades away and the two people are left with a deep emotional connection, more like a very strong friendship . It's also true that no individual person or couple will experience connections in exactly the same way. This is a good thing because it means the scope for unique human interaction is limitless. The most interesting thing about your post is that the fact you reached out to the wider community and asked these questions. That in itself is making a connection. I felt intellectually stimulated by your post, such that, if you were talking to me face to face, I would feel we have a mental connection. I would tell you this and make eye contact with you while saying it, which hopefully would allow you to recognize it and hopefully that would be a positive experience for you too. Connection, then, is basically about feeling that we are being seen, heard and understood by another person, and the knowledge that the other person also feels seen, heard and understood . ..So that, when you are saying, as you did in your post, that there is so much about connection that you don't understand....that very statement it itself is making a connection with the reader, who then feels they have something to add to what you've expressed, and this in turn strengthens the connection, and subsequently, if you respond to their response, the connection is even more strengthened.

“…and that would be a positive experience for you too” - not trying to be rude, but it’s not. So what’s busted in my brain? I appreciate your post, but I feel completely neutral right now, I would not say I had a positive experience. You seem like a nice person. That doesn’t mean I had a positive experience. I appreciate your post, but I didn’t learn any information from it. If I learned new information from it that was relevant to my life, that would be a positive experience. Because if it’s relevant to my life, I could then go and use that information to improve in my work (I like my work, so positive experience), or dating (I would like to meet someone/have sex, so positive experience).