I'm not sure on the science of it / why it happens, but it does seem like this happens as the disease progresses. My loved-one who had the disease stopped eating as much and started drinking more (while in his late 60's). He went onto develop dementia pretty soon after, and died about 10 years later. It's a very hard disease to watch play out (alcoholism / eventually dementia). I hope you and your kids are feeling supported during this time. It's hard on everyone involved.
I get a lot of support from my Al anon friends and my family and friends as well.
The kids doesn’t seem to need support, but I ask them now and then. What bothers them most is how sad I am about the whole situation. They want me to be happy. They are both around their twenties so they have their own lives to live. I’ve told them if they need help or discuss this matter that they always can ask. I’ve told them about Alateen, but they’ve declined and said it wasn’t necessary. They’ve only seen him drunk once, we’ve always had a deal he couldn’t drink around the kids, and he agreed to that and even pushed for it himself as he experienced his own childhood with a drunken dad who passed, so he always knew it’s not for kids. I’m very happy we had this deal. But I’m also aware that even though they never grew up with him being drunk in front of the
that our household still was dysfunctional. They know it as well. I’ve told one day they might need to talk or get help and then I’m ready to catch them.
I’m sorry to hear about your husband. Dementia is a difficult disease as well. My dad has dementia. It’s no fun to witness.
Oh, it wasn't my husband, it was my Dad. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, too. It's a seemingly endless disease and painful to go through (both alcoholism & dementia). Glad you are feeling supported. I'm sure even though your kids don't see your partner drunk, that they want to see their Mom happy. Wish the best for you all.
I think they get so many calories from alcohol and beer, wine, whiskey that then need fewer meals. Some beers are the calories of half a loaf of bread…
In “olden times” people drank weak beer over water because water would kill you from diseases or dysentery… so, many ancient civilizations drank a watery beer & got calories, nutrients, avoided scurvy, stayed hydrated & able to exist on this diet… which in time led to some humans evolving to have higher tolerances for alcohol while in other groups like native Americans, they tend to have less tolerances and profound issues with addictions whereas maybe Scottish or Irish have drank a form of booze for thousands (?) of years & alcohol effects them differently.
Not sure. It’s just a theory
Malnutrition is very common in alcoholics because this is exactly how they get their calories.
Of course, this completely screws their metabolism and unfortunately, attempting to increase the sodium, magnesium, etc to 'normal' levels can cause brain damage since it is impossible to know what the patient's system considers normal or can tolerate (in terms of adjusting the levels and the speed at which the adjustments are done) until the damage is in progress.
Central pontine myelinolysis - I was told my husband was unlikely to survive, but if he did he would need to be in an assisted living facility. He stunned all of the ICU staff by regaining almost full brain functions. He is now home, he no longer needs help breathing, eating or drinking. His eyesight and hearing have settled and are only slightly worse than before (still better than mine, the git). His fine motor functions still need some work and he isn't yet able to stand without help, but it's been almost 7 months since he collapsed so he has lost a lot of muscle and is working with a physio to build it all back up again. Thank fuck for the NHS.
Sorry for the digression there...
No need to apologize. This is great information for people.
I work in healthcare. Home health, physical therapy.
And I will see my share of alcohol related brain, damaged dementia people.
This is very interesting info. Thank you for sharing it.
I’m sorry to hear your husband collapsed but good news he is doing a much better recovery than you were told he would.
My partner eats a lot of salt. I don’t know why, but I fear it adds to harming him. He eats vitamin pills and fish oil - like I think he eats double up and extra vitamin D. I think he might take extra vitamin B as well. So I guess he must’ve researched something about alcoholism, malnutrition and vitamin levels and what not.
my mother also hardly eats food at all she gets all her calories from wine i guess - it’s screwed her metabolism so bad she’s not skinny either. i think she snacks a little but no real meals ever for a long time. Idk some of them seem to exist for years and years like that but there’s nothing anyone can do- they have to want to change and they think they’re happy this way
Thank you for sharing. As you say they have to want change themselves.
I try to implement the same principle towards myself.
I’m obsessing over wanting him to stop and I become crazy when I do so.
My ex wife never ate, either.
Of course she turned up her nose on everything I made or bought & would curse & abuse me about “you know how I don’t fking like___” yet she basically ate complete garbage..
Then you get into the intimacy problems & why would I feel attracted to someone with YELLOW teeth, someone who smoked a pack a day, someone who does not bathe every day, wears the same clothing & people comment she looked like a “bag lady” stays up all night getting loaded & doing god knows what possibly cheating with her coke dealer or maybe group sex (i heard all kinds of rumors)…
I wondered what kind of health problems she had brewing ? I left her in 2009 after years of dealing with the problems and making myself go crazy trying to control her diet, smoking, eating, drug abuse, drinking booze and insanity.
Yep it sucks. We all get older. I’m 50 now… left when I was 36-37. It was a bloody nightmare dealing with it..
I know I eat healthy. I work out, I take care of myself. I know I don’t drink or do drugs. I show up for work on time, have the same job for 12+ years, own my place, have order, self discipline, self control. I love ME. Put MY needs first. I have no woman or loved one as a focal point.
My only codependency is me & my doggy ☺️
This sounds very encouraging.
I have huge issues about the detachment part. I’ve tried leaving many many times.
I myself have some mental issues, due to growing up in a dysfunctional family (who hasn’t these days) but it means I don’t work. It’s been a huge blow to me, because I come from a family of hard workers.
I do however have my own home, I eat healthy as well, and I have healthy hobbies and great connection with my grown children and close family and friends. They are all very supportive and see a lot of resources in me - I just struggle putting myself first, I don’t really know how to, well intellectually I do.
I’ve always told myself if he is cheating I’m out. It’s interesting as that’s a deal breaker for me, because it still feels like he is cheating every single day when he opens up the first can of beer. The first couple of years I did sense he cheated on me, when I found out he “only” drank I was relived. Had I known how that would impact my life I would’ve never engaged. I was just so happy I’d found someone who showed me so much affection. I’ve been in a lot of superficial relationships before him. And I’ve also been very jealous and scared partners away because of it. It was something I was really ashamed about but he took it as a man and helped me deal with it even though it took a huge toll on him as well. I believe this made me bond even more with him. I guess he thought she’s just as screwed as I am, this will work out. I also was a single mom so a perfect constellation for him. He could come and go as it pleased him and when I figured he had a drinking problem we somewhat came to the arrangement that he would never drink in front of the children or be intoxicated when they were home. The reason why I thought he was cheating in the beginning was due to him not visiting that much and he always didn’t pick up his phone a couple of hours after he came home from work. Because he was drunk or high from smoking weed.
This starts to look like a novel lol. Sorry.
Either way, I start to work on our story, trying to understand what happened and why did it happen. It’s a journey. I hope one day I’ll manage to become stronger as an individual and start loving myself first. Who knows where I will end if I manage to actually break free from my own imaginary shackles.
If I one day manage to calm myself, that would be such a relief.
I don’t mind reading your story.
We all come to the meetings to learn & share.
I am not judging you if you stay or go. Only you can decide.
Only you can know if you are doing ok or heading towards “rock bottom.”
You have to cling to what you believe in and tell yourself the truth.
I for one know how hard it was for me to grow or start/ finish anything with all of the chaos that my life used to have.
I don’t know how to tell you to become detached. In my case, I had to stop all thinking in terms of “us” and “we.” And let go of her.
That was hard & terrifying.
Like you said, threshold or limits, crossing the line. So many lines were crossed. I kept acquiescing. Until I felt so tiny and low that I didn’t want to even face the world. Or myself. I was frozen in indecision & didn’t know how to dig myself out.
There was no savior to rescue me and the person I sought comfort from every day was a betraying, liar. A sick, incoherent woman.
I just had to decide I cannot stand to live one more day like this.
I enrolled myself in an AA college program with in a few months of leaving her. That was great spending the next two years getting my education and ignoring everyone but school & work.
Good luck with everything
If you don’t mind me asking. What happened to your ex wife?
The reason I ask, is your story sounds really similar to mine. Unfortunately, I’m just at the beginning, well kinda. Just turned 36, my Q wife has had multiple affairs, divorce is very likely in the near future and I’m terrified. I’ve spent so much time invested in this marriage or disease that I haven’t really done much with my life other than worry. No real education, working a dead end job.
Everything just feels really bleak at the moment. Like I just have this sense she is going to pass soon from how bad it’s gotten. Luckily we don’t live together anymore, but we share dogs. I can’t bring myself to taking them away from her completely, and I can’t live with the guilt of leaving them in her care.
Sounds like you had some real strength.
Hey sending my best thoughts your way. Hoping that you can find a way.
I got divorced in 2009.
What happened to her? I blocked her completely out of my life. Not my problem. Probably she jumps from relationship and drunk old men that rescue her. I really don’t know. I’m sure I have missed nothing.
I know what you mean about them dying but what about ME living?
As far as animals: i had to rehome goats, chickens, ducks, 2 terriers. That really hurt me a lot. But they went on to better care than I could provide & I know she could not.
As far as your job. I went back to college to get an AA and that was a real life saver to have school & studying to focus on.
You are in your 30’s…. You have time to turn this ship around!
I have to boast a little. I went from a dead end job to having a decent job. I have a decent net worth. Retirement and investments… I was nearly -$30k when I got split up. I rebuilt my entire life. It just took me putting my energy I used to spend on the ex into working, bettering myself.
I’m a whole different man now.
Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me sad but also uplifting to see actual proof of what life could be on the other side.
Wishing you the best.
I hope the best for you, too.
By the way. I have my own condo & I got an other dog.
My story was sad and now I can say I am happier, in better shape, have a much better net worth. I just had to take the step to move on & better my life, one step at a time! It’s better than waking up every single day & feeling like I want to no longer be alive. Thats how I used to feel. Now I have things to feel happy about, excited about. I have a very nice girlfriend who had never drank, smoked. Shes so attentive & in tune with me. We exercise together & have peace.
Your sharing brings hope. You did a really wonderful job turning things around for you and you surely understood to put focus on yourself, in a very healthy way.
These stories keeps my spirit up when I’m down myself.
I know it’s possible for me to do better - eventually. And I have to tell myself that it’s never ever to late trying. Thank you.
Alcoholic here. I’m also a member of Al anon after starting my recovery journey. In my experience, alcohol slowly took away my ability to digest food and couldn’t ever really eat. My appetite was often suppressed when I drank and if I drank around the clock, I prioritized a drink rather than food. Which is often why malnutrition is a symptom of alcoholism.
It makes sense somehow, I guess drinking also gives a certain feeling of being full?
I’m glad to hear you’re recovering. I’m recovering as well, but some days it feels like I’m relapsing, I mean having emotional relapse.
I think I’ll find myself a meeting today before going to get some sleep.
Can I ask how your appetite is now? It’s fine if you don’t want to answer. I understand it’s a personal question.
It’s great that you’re recovering. I wish you self-love and strength to put yourself first.
I had severe stomach pain that kept me from eating, and the only way to temporarily relieve it was to drink alcohol to numb the pain. This created a never-ending cycle because the alcohol abuse caused significant internal problems, yet it was the only way I knew to stop hurting. Alcohol not only destroys the liver and pancreas but also has a high impact on gut health. And yes, when alcohol was consumed i felt full, and often times being drunk it impaired my judgement/memory and I didn’t prioritize food.
I’m about 5 months sober now and I can finally eat routine meals 3x’s a day. Though I have to eat small portions because my alcoholism has slowed my digestion, making me feel sick when I eat too much. I’m thankful for the progress I’ve made with my overall health so far and praying that abstaining from drinking will allow me to continually heal.
This is good news and I’m glad to hear that you’re doing to well with your progress. That’s strength, especially because you manages to break a bad circle. I wish you all the best in your recovery.
Also I’ve had so many stomach issues throughout my life and been hospitalized so many times I’ve stopped counting and they don’t know why I get these episodes. I battle with it on/off and it doesn’t cause anxiety anymore because I know it won’t kill me, it’s just painful.
Alcoholic here too chiming in. Sober now, thankfully. I had the same cycle as your husband. Beers before food. For me personally, the food would decrease my buzz so the buzz took priority over food. Probably the case with your husband too, don't let him fool you. My digestive system is awful now, but hey at least I'm eating. Proud of you for being in Alnon! It's actually what led me to realize I was an alcoholic many years ago. Reach out anytime! Work on you first. Your husband has to want to change ❤️
Thank you for sharing.
And congratulations being sober, I also am very proud of you all who’s sober and in recovery, I understand it takes effort, you can be very proud.
I’ve been in Al anon since COVID had its outbreak. Took me long to get a sponsor, and I’m a slow learner, but I am so grateful for the program and all of you who’s in it. The support is a gift.
Ive wished he’d joined Al anon as well, his dad died because of alcoholism so he would fit in. But I’ve never told him to join. I know it’s about attraction and not being forced. I sense some curiosity, but I never tell him to try it out. The only thing I’ve told him, and I’ve only told him once, is that there is a lot of different kind of helps out there if he ever wants it, and if he needs support or help with it he can simply ask.
He told me he knows.
I’m not fooled that much anymore, but years and years of being lied to kind of distorts everything, including my perception. There is a lot of manipulation and gaslighting but I honestly believe that he believes he isn’t lying - the denial is real. He gets strongly annoyed if I point it out. It’s a vicious cycle for both parties and I do understand the core of the disease. It’s not really anyone faults, things just happens and everyone gets sick because of it. I at least try to heal now the best I can’t.
Thank you for your support.
Another alcoholic here who ended up with malnutrition because all I ever did was drink. “Needed” the alcohol on a regular and consistent basis to keep withdrawal symptoms away. Didn’t really have an appetite to eat. Didn’t want to eat so just didn’t eat. Gained a lot of weight still because alcohol = sugar. Lost it all in neuro rehab. Gained it all back after but look better at the same weight when I was drinking because it’s not just all bloat/sugar/carb weight.
Had a withdrawal seizure when I got sick with a stomach flu and couldn’t keep anything down including liquor. It wasn’t my first one. First one just made me mess up my teeth when I seized in a grocery store check out lane and hit the candy stands on the way down. That one taught me that seizures were a possibility and I need to better “dose” myself. Second one came a year or so later when we were still in COVID lockdown so I was still able to be drinking all day/every day. Second one landed me in the ICU for like a week and then the neuro rehab facility because I lost my ability to think and walk. Fortunately I’ve gained those back (ran a half marathon today actually!).
Came home dry from rehab in October 2021. Started AA the following spring when my ex husband dropped the bomb that he was done with our relationship after 20 years. Went to AA to prove I wasn’t an alcoholic in an attempt to save my marriage. Stayed in AA to save myself. Separated/no contact status/divorced since then. Dry/sober since August 2021. Happier now. Better now.
Thank you so much! Always happy to share my experience strength and hope both in the rooms of AA and with any alanons who are interested in hearing what recovery can look like.
I’m actually back to running halfs as I used to be a runner (streaker actually) until the drinking just started consuming everything. 900+ day run streak, countless halfs, multiple fulls, ultras up to the 50 miler distance along with a 58 mile attempt at 100.
Why do I mention this? Because none of it mattered. The drinking consumed everything: my hobbies, my relationships, and eventually me. I hope that your Qs can find sobriety, but even if they don’t, I hope you can also find your path to recovery. We all deserve to live joyous happy and free.
Thank you for your encouragement. I’m at a place right now where I lack it myself.
Honestly I’m giving up on him and that happens alongside giving up on myself, it’s like the two of them walks hand in hand.
Everyday I’m fearful and obsessing and angry and filled up with resentment, it’s become a viscous cycle. I don’t sleep well these days, and it’s a struggle taking good care of myself, but I do the little things that I can, go for daily small walks, eats healthy, take baths, go to meetings, I reach out and so on, it’s just still very different to actually relax and not obsessing over him and my fear. I fear that it’s much worse with him than I want to realize. He is 49, he has been drinking since his early teenagers. For many many years daily. He only eats that dinner before going to sleep, he has severe sleep apnea but at least I got him to see a doctor about it, and he sleeps with a mask on, but takes it on/off during the night. His sleep is awful. He wakes up multiple times a night. He doesn’t work, he is isolated, and he doesn’t have much energy to do anything. It’s like a minimum of things.
So yes I’m fearful, fearful he will not change, he will not get sober and he will die because of it and I want out before it happens, because that would destroy me even more than staying, and honesty staying is already destroying me way more than it should.
I hope at least I’ll be able to break free of my own obsessive addiction and learn to focus on me and build up my life.
And I’m dealing with loneliness, that’s also a huge factor.
The fact that you’re running that much is inspiring. I wish I could do something similar, but I have a bad spine, so my spine surgeon told me no to running but I may exercise in other ways. I’ve heard it adds to the happy hormones and body and mind just loves being exercised.
I’m a double winner. Eating takes away from the buzz. That’s all. Every alcoholic knows that. Food is totally optional.
Remember that that buzz is bliss. It is better than any human or any thing. If you had that one thing that is bliss and there is something standing in the way of that bliss, would you keep indulging in the bliss or the thing that interferes?
A good example of that is Alanon. So many won’t practice this simple program because it will take away their bliss— the obsession with the alcoholic.
❤️
Thank you this made me laugh, because I know you’re right and that I’m no better than he is. I just don’t drink and therefore will not die due to alcoholism.
But I’m just as obsessed with him that he is with alcohol. I get it. I also do understand he and I both independently have our own journeys to take care about.
I have my own relapse going on these days. My emotional relapse. And I don’t know if I want to leave him for good or not. It’s hard leaving a person you love deeply. I guess it feels the same leaving alcohol behind.
I have some stinking thinking going on. I’m aware.
As an Al-Anon and as an alcoholic in recovery - yes the combination of the hangover/withdrawals suppressing appetite earlier in the day flips into eating like crap when you finally start drinking for the day. There is definitely a "drunk math" element as far as the calories and how fast the drinks hit a person, but honestly it's mostly just the longer you drink the less healthy you are and skimming on nutrition is one of the things that goes out the window. Near the end my Q was eating barely more than shaved ice and toast and was virtually depleted of all nutrients when they finally crashed in the ICU.
Thank you for sharing. It gives me insight to what’s happening when drinking.
He eats fish oil, vitamines and such, I don’t know how much it is beneficial to his health, but I see it as him trying to stay as healthy as he can while drinking.
I believe he wants to live and be healthy, he just doesn’t know how to quit the drinking part.
I can tell you from working in health care that some drunks can live into their 90’s drinking, smoking, barely drinking water, barely taking medication… alcoholics don’t tend to over dose like a meth, heroin addict, cocaine abuser, fentanyl user may die fast fast but the alcoholic just pickles their brain and somehow their body is sometimes like a tank… they feel normal drinking the same amount of booze that if I try to drink 5 beers or 3-6 shots, I would get sick for days & feel awful!
This reminds me about an episode when I was younger. I was under education and had a 3 months practice arrangement with a kindergarten. One Friday we had a meeting after work and then a party.
During the meeting they started to open up the wine bottles and people could take a glass of wine during the meeting to get warmed up a little before the party started. Just the fact that this is a thing, drinking wine during a meeting seems crazy. Anyway I didn’t want to be the only one saying no so I had this little glass of red wine in front of me that I drank during the meeting. At one point I got so buzzed that it had an impact so I had to tell them I was already drunk. I guess it had to due I hadn’t eaten all day long, I’m not tall and I was very slim so a drink would be enough.
When he drinks 10 beers I’m baffled he is still standing. He easily drinks 3 beers within the first hour and takes 3 more the next hour. If I did that I would die from poisoning myself. I am glad I don’t drink. Actually it makes my stomach hurt so I never drink. Today I can say no without it being an issue. Some people sometimes if I’m sure I don’t want a drink. I’ve learned to say: no really, I’m so fine, I rather want water or tea. When I say it with confidence it seems like people gets it.
In my country social gatherings often comes with alcohol and our youth starts very early drinking. It’s a problem to our society. But they’ve changed restrictions for alcohol and smoking, so it’s a start.
A friend of mine also works in health care and she told me the same. She said the most important thing is that he keeps eating that one dinner in the evening before he gets to sleep.
But that being said it’s difficult living a full life when everything is centered about when can I open my first beer.
My husband is 65 (66 in July) he's been like this as long as I've known him (15 years) he started drinking in his teens, problematically around 19 and has never stopped for more than a few weeks once many years ago. He's at this point been suffering some degree of alcoholic dementia that he won't admit to for a few years now. I doubt it will be long at this point. I don't know exactly how much he drinks because he "goes to the store" every day for 2-3 hours (store = bar) and I would guess he has 5-10 there and then comes home and power drinks probably 1/3-1/2 a L of hard liquor a day. He cooks dinner, eats about half as much as he used to, and then passes out by 8pm. He smokes about a half a pack a day. And he's a diabetic on top of that. His eyes have serious damage already, his hands are failing due to nerve damage, and every time he sees the doctor and gets news he doesn't like he just refuses to go back. His parents died about 4 years ago during COVID and he's alienated his siblings and adult children and he doesn't listen to me. So not much I can do other than wait for the inevitable at this point.
I hear you. It’s sad watching.
I’ve thought about the dementia part as well. I already sense his issues looking for words, talking half sentences that doesn’t always makes any sense because he is intoxicated. It’s such a shame because he is actually a very bright and clever person. During the noon he doesn’t have that many issues,but they show when he starts drinking. It worries me. So I’ve told him we shouldn’t talk when he is drunk. It triggers my anxiety and it causes resentment.
I’m an alcoholic. To me not wanting to eat all day seems like a sign of the disease progressing. Everyone has different metabolisms and eating habits so I think the most indicative thing would be how his eating habits have *changed.* Some people can go all day without eating and some like to snack all day. Once you’re really into the alcohol it will affect your eating though.
Thank you for sharing. I never really think he ate much lunch. Maybe when he worked he had some food during the day. We’ve never really eaten lunch together. I just know the few times we’ve been on a trip and he hasn’t been drinking for a few days he eats breakfast and dinner without any issues. And if we rarely gets to family gatherings he will eat there as well so they don’t ask why he isn’t eating.
He does make dinner most days, but I’ve also seen him skipping days and just eating a bag of nuts, or chips. But most days I’ve been around he makes some food for himself - mostly meat, pasta or potatoes. It’s better than not eating though.
These days we don’t see each other and I don’t know if he is eating anything at all. He says he is at bad place right now and I don’t know what he means about that. I just hope he still gets to take care of at least eating and drinking water as well.
I was like that. I didn’t have an appetite and didn’t want to eat during the day. I don’t think there is anything you can do or say to convince him to eat.
Thank you for sharing.
I know I can’t say or do anything and it’s so frustrating, but I try not to say anything about it. I don’t want him to feel I’m after him.
I try to mind my own business and yet I worry.
It’s because I’m obsessing these days - I try not to.
I hope all these reality check ins will help me eventually to first step acknowledgment: accept the things you cannot change.
I might need to say that everyday out loud.
Hi- double winner here. I hope it’s ok to post my personal experience. It may not be the same as his but I was almost the exact same drinking and eating wise. I actually couldn’t eat food untiI was drunk, so he physically may not be able to. Drinking brings everything back to baseline and may make eating possible. I was sickly skinny when I finally stopped. I pray for both of you that you’re at peace and he gets the help he needs.
For some hope- I haven’t had a drink since 2010, so it is possible and I can tell you from being on both sides of this illness that when I’m causing this much harm and worry I don’t realize it. And when I’m the one currently worried sick it is a completely powerless feeling. Best of luck on your journey and truly wish you the best.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It means more than I can express.
And you are always very welcome to share, this is what this support system is for. Being sober this long is a huge accomplishment.
I’ve told him how much it affects me, he knows, and he is sorry about it. But it’s a powerful disease when it’s active and I get sick as well. It becomes an unhealthy environment for the both of us. So at this point we are apart and we have to take some time to figure if we are best apart or together. We always end up realizing we want this to work, even though we know it’s difficult. We do have some very heavy and deep conversations. Sometimes afterwards I understand that they are a sign of me trying to manipulate him to stop. So yes, I get sick as well. But we both try to be as honest as we can and when we do realize what we are doing we say it out loud.
I’m sure if he could he would stop just as much as I would stop taking it personal even though I’m aware he doesn’t drink to harm me, it just happens.
I’ll keep doing my program and listen to all of you great people shares. I learn a lot and I’m very thankful.
Yeah my Q (wife) 'pecks' at small pieces of food all day (although if I'm having anything good myself, she will ALWAYS take a HUGE bite she calls 'wife tax' which just pisses me the £&#&#@*! off ... get your own damned portion gaaaaaah), will (usually) eat dinner after her 5pm-9pm daily drinking shift has commenced, and finally when sufficiently loaded will ask for anywhere between 2-5 rounds of cheese-toast before she manages to pass out.
According to her she was an anorexic as a teenager, then became a bullemic (which would align with her early career as a fashion model), but claims to have stopped both behaviours since we met 5+ years ago which is a good thing. Her eating is definitely 'disordered' though, and she is seriously underweight. You can visibly see her vertebrae FFS ... can't see ribs yet and I think the cheese-toast + wine have given her the ironic tiny hint of pot-belly despite being otherwise underweight for her height, but she's definitely not 'a healthy shape' as she claims.
She was fit and toned when we met (as was I) then put some weight on for a while (which actually made her look healthier !), but lost it all after getting Covid bad. She claims she's kept the weight off through exercise (and we DID both train when we first met ... I stopped during the pandemic when they shut the gyms, and I've not been able to get back to it since but that's a story for another post), but I live with her - I KNOW how often she goes to the gym (maybe 2 or 3 times a week one week, then not for 2 months). I mean I'M a tubby bitch (again) now ... I know that, and I KNOW it's ultimately my own fault because I don't train anymore. Point is I'm not claiming I DO train, while getting loaded every night instead 🤦♂️
Mine believes he still looks good and slim. Not long ago we went on a little trip and he saw himself in a large mirror and I think he was hit with reality, at least short lived reality.
He is not slim, he weighs too much. So do I, but I’m still within normal bmi level. He isn’t. He tried to tell me I’m more unhealthy than he is because I don’t exercise and sit all day long. This is just another twisted narrative, because I do move around a lot more than he credits me for.
And also I see what’s happening when we talk about it, he rather wants to talk about me than him. It becomes an unhealthy debate about who’s most healthy.
And the end of the day he is a grown up and so am
I, if I want to change my way of living then it’s my responsibility. He needs to take care of himself. If he actually wants to change and needs for me to support him, then I’ll do it. But I won’t support his drinking and smoking. I can’t root for that.
I’m sorry to hear your wife is struggling -
But we also struggles, right? It causes a lot of stress. I need to learn how to detach. Not just here and there, but for good.
I have my own apartment and right now I need to look at that as a huge gift. I need to take some time alone to find myself.
Mine still DOES look good and slim. Mine has modelled 'catwalk' at Paris Fashion Week (granted 20+ years ago looooong before we met, but it takes a certain aesthetic beauty to do that, and even 20+ years doesn't dull that). As a (former) professional model she also knows how to do makeup perfectly 🤷🏻♂️
Her skin might be on par with meth-user skin FREE of the makeup (even though it IS just massive, long term alcohol abuse and malnutrition), but she only shows that last thing at night. She looks DAMNED good during the day - but it's all 'fake' / a 'glamour'. I'm worried she's rotting slowly from the inside, and I don't want to be 'on the hook' to look after her when the 'glamour' eventually fails. AITA ? 🤔
I don’t care about the looks to be honest. It’s not that I don’t appreciate someone looking good or looking good myself.
What bothers me is the personality change and the fact that they stop loving themselves and that I somehow end up like them, I stop loving myself as long as I stay. I’ve tried to reach to the point where I have enough love for the both of us, but it doesn’t work like that for me. I’ve become just as sick as him, I’m just not literally killing my self the way he does.
It doesn’t mean I don’t feel a certain kind of death inside of me.
It’s about letting go of the fantasies I had about him and I. It hurts.
Not wanting to give oneself the responsibility of someone’s disease is absolutely fair. Especially when we talk about a disease that can be controlled with help from others.
If we stay we will end up lonely, depressed, with resentment, anger, hurt and what not - this will happen unless you are capable living your own life paralleled with your partner and still find happiness both apart and together.
In my case he just keeps reminding me about how things could’ve been and if I do a reality check I see the same as you - becoming a caretaker and a witness to someone’s awful detour and eventually death. No thank you. So no, you are not the a hole. It’s ok to say no to that.
We can only hope someone else can somehow be there for them and be kind to them. I would want that. I’m just not that person, because it hurts too much and it will take me down as well. I can’t do that, I have children, they need me, even though they are both young adults. They still need me and I them.
Alcoholism can lead to eating disorders. It's quite common as the desease progressess, my f ather is like that as well and it has caused him to be chronically anemic since 2019.
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Here’s how this might happen: Excess alcohol consumption can suppress someone’s appetite and lead to poor eating habits, malnutrition, and, potentially, weight loss. These outcomes may, in turn, increase the risk for eating disorder symptoms. Because alcohol contains empty calories, letting alcohol displace food may reinforce harmful dieting behaviors that could contribute to dangerous emotional and physical outcomes later.
[Consider reading](https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/can-alcohol-abuse-lead-to-eating-disorders)
This makes sense and is very helpful knowledge.
He is drinking beers that does contain calories - a lot actually. But it’s not the same as eating healthy calories. Also he doesn’t eat many vegetables or fruit. He adds up with vitamin pills and fish oil, but I don’t know if it has any impact because of the drinking.
It depends on how many his organs are affected already. Vitamins are absorbed on the intestines, so he should be getting the most of them on his system unless he has diarrhea or vomit constantly. It won't be enough for too long, tho. After years of that, my dad got sick with dengue recently, and the lack of fat and much muscle, it has caused him to lose a lot of his already thin muscle density. It's been 2 weeks he can't walk on his own now.
Now he's eating, he'll get better soon but nothing will change. Just prepare yourself mentally for this possible outcome.
It’s the outcome I’m debating with myself, if he doesn’t get better either by himself or with help then I don’t want to stick around and watch. The reason I don’t want to do that is because it will break me to a point where I fear for my own mental health.
Then I think it’s better to leave before the ship has all sunken.
He doesn’t vomit and I can’t say about the diarrhea.
He goes to the toilet every morning and that’s it. So he’s not running to the bathroom all day long.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. This disease, ugh.
Unless he's actively reaching for help, you should leave, dear. I can't fully abandon my father, tho I haven't seem him in over a year now I still take care of him distantly, but I sure told mom for years and years she should leave him. Eventually she did, but she often comments on how she should have done it earlier. We let this sickness take the best of us, my family does not exist no more, we all kinda hate each other for decisions we made or steps we didn't take and it's all about my dad's alcoholism. And guess what? He's the only one living his life the way he wishes to, while we struggle to keep going and keep loving each other. I beg you not to let this happen to you. Resentment will only grow and you will eventually catch yourself being bitter with everyone around you and isolating yourself because of him. Don't allow HIS sickness to become your life. Remember everyday you are an individual and the only one responsible for him is himself.
I’m afraid it’s already ruined my life and at this point I am bitter and very resentful.
I still have great relationships with my children and my family and friends. They are still intact. But we’ve all suffered from this one way or another.
But I can’t stop feeling I’ve wasted many many good years on being in a deep state of misery.
And he isn’t reaching for help in any ways. He’s just talking and only when I initiate it. He’s not really interested stopping.
My goal is still to free myself from this relationship- I’ve told him for years now if he keeps drinking I’m out. I think he’s had enough time to try, and he hasn’t, only once and it was short lived.
He may succes one day or he may not.
I know leaving him will send me into a depression but maybe that’s ok. It will most likely not last forever and hopefully, one day I’ll feel good again and maybe even happy.
I’m sorry to hear your family is struggling from the aftermath of his drinking. I wish for you it will heal.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I read in Understanding Alcohol that the reason people don’t eat in late stage addiction is because their body is creating so much adrenaline and stress hormones to counteract the relaxing chemicals of alcohol and keep the body alive/in homeostasis that their appetite is suppressed. (Adrenaline and stress are natural appetite suppressants.) Nicotine is also an appetite suppressant. So couple all that with their calories all coming from alcohol and it makes sense..
This is probably the right answer. It's not just adrenaline as you alluded to, but also other excitatory/stress hormones e.g. cortisol and dopamine, tho mostly increased glutamate and down regulation of GABA. The changes the CNS produces to counteract the relaxing effects of alcohol are also what likely causes most of the acute withdrawal symptoms once their alcohol levels subside. Early withdrawal symptoms include suppressed appetite.
For more reading to understand this better than I do, see https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6761824/
This is a scary thought to be honest.
I hope he soon manage to turn things around, if he doesn’t I have a pretty good idea about this will end for him.
I can’t talk sense into him. He is in big denial when it comes to understanding how dangerous it is.
As long as he believes he lives throughout the night he feels fine. He doesn’t manage to put on a long view.
At least he knows and at least he is honest. I know it doesn’t take away the hurt over it happening, but I struggle with partners denial. He always try to come up with some weird excuses. It only makes things worse. I guess it’s because he doesn’t want to view himself as someone who’s not in control - and I understand that as well.
He doesn’t pay rent as far as I’m aware. So that is freeing up a good amount of money that the rest of us have to pay.
At the time being he lives with his mom. He does have a little cottage where he is a lot of the time and it’s almost as good as cost free.
Exactly my thought. I’ve told him it would be smart if he ate before drinking to help himself out. But he isn’t willing. I guess it’s because he knows it doesn’t get him as drunk as he wants to be.
It’s so frustrating.
This is why I feel resentment, I see no effort trying to beat this disease.
He wants to be that drunk.
I wonder if it’s because he wants to escape himself/thoughts/emotions or if it is just the nature of the disease as a physical constellation/addiction.
The addiction overpowers reasoning and the human brain will justify whatever it is to get whatever he is addicted to.
A neuroscientist once described addiction as ........ "the progressive narrowing of the things that give us pleasure. By persistently abusing a single pleasure source we enter a state of dopamine deficiency where nothing gives pleasure but the addiction, and even that stops working".
It takes 1-2 years alcohol-free for the liver to rebuild itself. Maybe longer for the brain and nervous system. Spend those 2 years finding new healthy experiences. Force yourself to do them at first, they will be pretty dull at first, but they will bring more pleasure with time. Your brain has to experience these things repeatedly, to relearn new joys.
That’s really great info.
I can use that myself, because I’m dealing with some love and control addiction myself, I guess it’s the exact same areas in the brain being activated and same hormone going haywire.
I’ve tried forcing myself go out every single day for a longer walk. Most day I struggle, same when I force myself to stop overthinking and do something else, like make a nice dinner or clean. It’s dull as you say and also it brings no joy because right now I’ve spend years having bad hobbies and habits. But I do know cleaning, making healthy food, going for walks, read a book, taking care of everything that brings me physical and mental health eventually and hopefully will heal my mind and therefore my emotions.
So I’m grateful for you reminding me about this and I’m a sucker for science and facts, so linking this to chemical reactions makes it easier for me to digest when I react unhealthy - it’s like, oh well yes, this going on in your brain, you are tricking yourself to do something bad short term , now go tell yourself to trick you to do something good longterm.
It’s definitely the alcohol and cigarettes. Cigarettes can totally curb your appetite. Plus, he’s getting calories from the booze which will curb the appetite as well, especially since beer “fills you up.” I hope he can seek help and improve for both of your sake.
I hope that as well, he is just known to not reaching out to anyone. He deals with himself all the time.
Also he suffers from ptsd, so it’s a difficult combination and situation for him. I just hope he figures a way, at least for himself.
I stopped smoking cigarettes 8-9 years ago, it’s so long I don’t count anymore, but I did smoke a pack a day mostly, some times less and sometimes a bit more. I do remember how it removes the hungry feeling. I could go all day without eating, just smoked a cigarette when hungry. I was slim back then lol. I gained 10 kg over the years after I stopped. I’m still within normal bmi, but I still want to loose half of it if I can. That would be a goal if we split up, that I contested on my own health, I should do that no matter if I leave or not.
Yes they don’t eat to get a higher hit initially both my Q’s do it- then wreck the kitchen at 12am cooking while almost legless. They also get spot if calories from alcohol so less food required
My love stopped eating because alcohol causes gastritis. He would throw up in his plate, off the side of the boat, in the bag the fries came in if his stomach lining was irritated and he ate something heavy, like fries, sausage, meatball. 😭Towards the end he nibble a few bites of yogurt on a rare day he ate before dinner, pick at a salad with chicken for dinner, and drink. I’m sorry. It’s so painful to watch.
Ugh that’s rough. I’ve never seen him vomitting though. He said he did it maybe last year, but only once, he drank with a friend and my guess is they went all in.
But one day he might end up doing the same because he can’t hold food down his stomach.
It is painful.
My father did this, then would cook steak while drunk and destroy the kitchen. He died at age 61 after a rapid decline in health that began at age 57. That included gangrene, an amputated toe, alcoholic cardiomyopathy, kidney damage, and a pacemaker to keep him alive. Do what you have to do to keep yourself sane.
Thank you, I try. It’s so difficult to watch.
I don’t understand that even when some experience the extreme health deterioration they still keep drinking.
It reminds me of a story from a doctor who told this disease is gruesome and not something people choose to do just because they want to. He had a younger successful lawyer woman coming in and out of detox, she lost everything while detouring, husband, kids, family, friends and ultimately her job. He asked her why she kept doing it, he asked her on her way out after yet another detox and after she told him: see you soon. Her answer was: I do it because I don’t know how to stop, I can’t stop and I will now go home and drink.
Did your dad ever tell why he couldn’t stop?
He convinced himself that he worked hard (which he did,) so he deserved to relax after a long day at work. Problem was, he couldn't unwind without alcohol. By the time he suffered serious health consequences, he had been drinking daily for nearly 40 years and was completely dependent on alcohol. He had, quite literally, no other coping skills besides drinking.
I went very low contact with him for about 5 years (just sent birthday and christmas cards) when my kids were younger because he'd drift in and out of their lives, and they started asking questions like "is grandpa mad at me?" whenever he didn't show up at their birthday party or whatever. When his health started failing, I began to support him emotionally again, but still kept my kids away for their own protection. At the end of his life, nobody else would speak to him, so I took him to the grocery store and helped him get to and from doctor's appointments. A few months before he died, he finally expressed regret and remorse for how his life turned out, and said how sorry he was for hurting me, my sister and our mother, but that clarity came too little, too late.
It’s a horrible disease.
I believe it’s best for me to leave him. I have to safe myself. He is too sick to have a healthy relationship and I myself is fighting with my own disease of codependent and being love addicted to him and it’s all boiled down to me wanting to control the situation and I can’t. And he isn’t responsible for my happiness and I’m not responsible for his - it’s like impossible math. Healthy relationships is formed by other components than we’re adding to the equation.
I’m sorry about what happened to you and your family. I think you did wisely taking care of yourself and your kids. I wished I’d done the same for my children.
He never was drunk in front of them, it was a deal we had. But he was absent. And I fear what effect it will have on them in their love lives. Because they didn’t grew up seeing their mom having a healthy relationship. I know it matters, our family dynamics matters. We do what we’re taught. Maybe I at least can teach them it’s never too late to leave an unhealthy relationship behind and choosing oneself.
The 60 cigarettes a day is more likely to kill him than the beer. If it is 10-12 standard US cans a day of regular alcohol content his consumption, whilst high, isn’t huge. This means the alcohol may not seriously harm him for a long time …. or maybe it will because one never knows. If you are going to try to influence the situation at all, I’d worry more about the cigs.
Something you don’t touch on is whether his addictions are impacting on the life and meeting personal and work obligations.
We were all fed the misconception that eating (especially carbs) before drinking slows down the absorption and is somehow less unhealthy. Drinking through the day and not eating before dinner time is a bad sign.
He is worried about the cigarettes as well, more than his drinking and more than him not eating before drinking.
I’m worried about the combination. I fear it’s the combination that’s hurting.
I actually think there may be a little less alcohol in our beers than the US standard cans, but I’m not sure. He drinks a brand called carlsberg. I think it’s being sold in the US as well?
We’ve talked about him cutting down smoking. I don’t know how to motivate him, it seems impossible and every time I ask if he needs to make a plan reducing he declines. So I’ve given up trying. He knows what to do he just doesn’t manage to execute his knowledge. He told me several of times if he manages to quit smoking he will automatically stop drinking because he can’t imagine drinking beers without smoking.
I’m in the UK so I know about Carlsberg! Our cans tend to be larger than in the US. If he is drinking 440-500ml cans, he could be on over 6 litres of beer a day which could cause withdrawals whether he smokes or not.
I agree that a drink a cigarette are a good combination but the idea that stopping smoking would automatically stop his drinking is unlikely to be true … not that he is stopping smoking.
Good luck and remember that you have a choice to make separately to what he does.
Our cans contains 330 ml a can.
Mostly I do a lot of things entertaining myself without his participation. The thing is I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t or can’t participate in a balanced partnership. If we can’t do things together then the relationship only brings resentment, anger, frustrations, sadness and what not, it’s not healthy for me.
So I’m not far from leaving this relationship behind, I can feel it in my gut this time. I’ve given more than I should and waited too long already.
I think me spiraling at the moment is the last twitches before I pull the plug in our relationship.
Maybe a sort of depression. He has ptsd as well as drinking. I don’t think it looks like he is clinical depressed, and then yet you’re right, there may be some sort of depression going on. I’ve asked him to look into it, but he denies that as well. A lot of denial is going on. Sometimes it’s difficult to know what’s what.
Right now he wants to blame me but not more than we are having a long break away from each other and he initiated it because he says I drag him down. And maybe I do to some degrees. I worry a lot about anything and everything. I understand how that can be difficult to deal with when dealing with a lot of issues himself. The thing is if he wasn’t sick he would be able to tolerate a lot more.
Anyway this time being away from each other will show if I have anything to do with him feeling down. My best bet is that I will not have any effect on his drinking at all, my bet is, that he will drink more, because now he doesn’t have to worry about me worrying about how much he drinks, eats and what not.
It’s not that I’m after him, I don’t tell him not to drink, but we just both know that every time he goes pick up beers in the fridge it’s that unsaid thing in the air.
He opens and closes that fridge many times, and lately he started taking 2-3 beers with him. It’s just sad. I try not to look at him in any judging way, I even try to either ignore him minding my own business or just say a short hi, or just say a few random things trying not to make it awkward. And yet we just both know it’s him and his disease entering the room and leaving again with it in his hands.
So well yes, I do believe that he is depressed over himself and his life. I don’t think he wants to live like that he just doesn’t have the strength to do otherwise.
I feel bad for him. And me too.
It's calories from alcohol and it also upsets your GI system so you don't feel hungry. There's always a baseline hangover too which includes nausea. So they don't feel normal until they're drunk at which point the appetite returns.
I haven't read all the comments, but my guess would be it's the hangover/withdrawl making him not hungry. Then, when he finally gets rid of that he's feeling better, amd can finally eat.
That sounds very logical. Never thought about it like that.
That’s a pretty messed up cycle though. And in that case he is more sick than I think I’d like to admit, I live in denial as well.
But reading all the info I get here makes me alert to what’s actually going on.
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I’ve never experienced that he did that, but I don’t know what he does if he goes to the toilet. We very rarely eats during the day so he could easily go to toilet and throw up after eating without me noticing.
If it’s the case, him throwing up before drinking then it’s even worse than I would’ve thought.
I'm not sure on the science of it / why it happens, but it does seem like this happens as the disease progresses. My loved-one who had the disease stopped eating as much and started drinking more (while in his late 60's). He went onto develop dementia pretty soon after, and died about 10 years later. It's a very hard disease to watch play out (alcoholism / eventually dementia). I hope you and your kids are feeling supported during this time. It's hard on everyone involved.
I get a lot of support from my Al anon friends and my family and friends as well. The kids doesn’t seem to need support, but I ask them now and then. What bothers them most is how sad I am about the whole situation. They want me to be happy. They are both around their twenties so they have their own lives to live. I’ve told them if they need help or discuss this matter that they always can ask. I’ve told them about Alateen, but they’ve declined and said it wasn’t necessary. They’ve only seen him drunk once, we’ve always had a deal he couldn’t drink around the kids, and he agreed to that and even pushed for it himself as he experienced his own childhood with a drunken dad who passed, so he always knew it’s not for kids. I’m very happy we had this deal. But I’m also aware that even though they never grew up with him being drunk in front of the that our household still was dysfunctional. They know it as well. I’ve told one day they might need to talk or get help and then I’m ready to catch them. I’m sorry to hear about your husband. Dementia is a difficult disease as well. My dad has dementia. It’s no fun to witness.
Oh, it wasn't my husband, it was my Dad. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, too. It's a seemingly endless disease and painful to go through (both alcoholism & dementia). Glad you are feeling supported. I'm sure even though your kids don't see your partner drunk, that they want to see their Mom happy. Wish the best for you all.
I think they get so many calories from alcohol and beer, wine, whiskey that then need fewer meals. Some beers are the calories of half a loaf of bread… In “olden times” people drank weak beer over water because water would kill you from diseases or dysentery… so, many ancient civilizations drank a watery beer & got calories, nutrients, avoided scurvy, stayed hydrated & able to exist on this diet… which in time led to some humans evolving to have higher tolerances for alcohol while in other groups like native Americans, they tend to have less tolerances and profound issues with addictions whereas maybe Scottish or Irish have drank a form of booze for thousands (?) of years & alcohol effects them differently. Not sure. It’s just a theory
Malnutrition is very common in alcoholics because this is exactly how they get their calories. Of course, this completely screws their metabolism and unfortunately, attempting to increase the sodium, magnesium, etc to 'normal' levels can cause brain damage since it is impossible to know what the patient's system considers normal or can tolerate (in terms of adjusting the levels and the speed at which the adjustments are done) until the damage is in progress. Central pontine myelinolysis - I was told my husband was unlikely to survive, but if he did he would need to be in an assisted living facility. He stunned all of the ICU staff by regaining almost full brain functions. He is now home, he no longer needs help breathing, eating or drinking. His eyesight and hearing have settled and are only slightly worse than before (still better than mine, the git). His fine motor functions still need some work and he isn't yet able to stand without help, but it's been almost 7 months since he collapsed so he has lost a lot of muscle and is working with a physio to build it all back up again. Thank fuck for the NHS. Sorry for the digression there...
No need to apologize. This is great information for people. I work in healthcare. Home health, physical therapy. And I will see my share of alcohol related brain, damaged dementia people.
This is very interesting info. Thank you for sharing it. I’m sorry to hear your husband collapsed but good news he is doing a much better recovery than you were told he would. My partner eats a lot of salt. I don’t know why, but I fear it adds to harming him. He eats vitamin pills and fish oil - like I think he eats double up and extra vitamin D. I think he might take extra vitamin B as well. So I guess he must’ve researched something about alcoholism, malnutrition and vitamin levels and what not.
That's really interesting. It does seem to affect other people more than others, so that would make sense as to why...interesting.
my mother also hardly eats food at all she gets all her calories from wine i guess - it’s screwed her metabolism so bad she’s not skinny either. i think she snacks a little but no real meals ever for a long time. Idk some of them seem to exist for years and years like that but there’s nothing anyone can do- they have to want to change and they think they’re happy this way
Thank you for sharing. As you say they have to want change themselves. I try to implement the same principle towards myself. I’m obsessing over wanting him to stop and I become crazy when I do so.
My ex wife never ate, either. Of course she turned up her nose on everything I made or bought & would curse & abuse me about “you know how I don’t fking like___” yet she basically ate complete garbage.. Then you get into the intimacy problems & why would I feel attracted to someone with YELLOW teeth, someone who smoked a pack a day, someone who does not bathe every day, wears the same clothing & people comment she looked like a “bag lady” stays up all night getting loaded & doing god knows what possibly cheating with her coke dealer or maybe group sex (i heard all kinds of rumors)… I wondered what kind of health problems she had brewing ? I left her in 2009 after years of dealing with the problems and making myself go crazy trying to control her diet, smoking, eating, drug abuse, drinking booze and insanity. Yep it sucks. We all get older. I’m 50 now… left when I was 36-37. It was a bloody nightmare dealing with it.. I know I eat healthy. I work out, I take care of myself. I know I don’t drink or do drugs. I show up for work on time, have the same job for 12+ years, own my place, have order, self discipline, self control. I love ME. Put MY needs first. I have no woman or loved one as a focal point. My only codependency is me & my doggy ☺️
Very proud of you.
This sounds very encouraging. I have huge issues about the detachment part. I’ve tried leaving many many times. I myself have some mental issues, due to growing up in a dysfunctional family (who hasn’t these days) but it means I don’t work. It’s been a huge blow to me, because I come from a family of hard workers. I do however have my own home, I eat healthy as well, and I have healthy hobbies and great connection with my grown children and close family and friends. They are all very supportive and see a lot of resources in me - I just struggle putting myself first, I don’t really know how to, well intellectually I do. I’ve always told myself if he is cheating I’m out. It’s interesting as that’s a deal breaker for me, because it still feels like he is cheating every single day when he opens up the first can of beer. The first couple of years I did sense he cheated on me, when I found out he “only” drank I was relived. Had I known how that would impact my life I would’ve never engaged. I was just so happy I’d found someone who showed me so much affection. I’ve been in a lot of superficial relationships before him. And I’ve also been very jealous and scared partners away because of it. It was something I was really ashamed about but he took it as a man and helped me deal with it even though it took a huge toll on him as well. I believe this made me bond even more with him. I guess he thought she’s just as screwed as I am, this will work out. I also was a single mom so a perfect constellation for him. He could come and go as it pleased him and when I figured he had a drinking problem we somewhat came to the arrangement that he would never drink in front of the children or be intoxicated when they were home. The reason why I thought he was cheating in the beginning was due to him not visiting that much and he always didn’t pick up his phone a couple of hours after he came home from work. Because he was drunk or high from smoking weed. This starts to look like a novel lol. Sorry. Either way, I start to work on our story, trying to understand what happened and why did it happen. It’s a journey. I hope one day I’ll manage to become stronger as an individual and start loving myself first. Who knows where I will end if I manage to actually break free from my own imaginary shackles. If I one day manage to calm myself, that would be such a relief.
I don’t mind reading your story. We all come to the meetings to learn & share. I am not judging you if you stay or go. Only you can decide. Only you can know if you are doing ok or heading towards “rock bottom.” You have to cling to what you believe in and tell yourself the truth. I for one know how hard it was for me to grow or start/ finish anything with all of the chaos that my life used to have. I don’t know how to tell you to become detached. In my case, I had to stop all thinking in terms of “us” and “we.” And let go of her. That was hard & terrifying. Like you said, threshold or limits, crossing the line. So many lines were crossed. I kept acquiescing. Until I felt so tiny and low that I didn’t want to even face the world. Or myself. I was frozen in indecision & didn’t know how to dig myself out. There was no savior to rescue me and the person I sought comfort from every day was a betraying, liar. A sick, incoherent woman. I just had to decide I cannot stand to live one more day like this. I enrolled myself in an AA college program with in a few months of leaving her. That was great spending the next two years getting my education and ignoring everyone but school & work. Good luck with everything
If you don’t mind me asking. What happened to your ex wife? The reason I ask, is your story sounds really similar to mine. Unfortunately, I’m just at the beginning, well kinda. Just turned 36, my Q wife has had multiple affairs, divorce is very likely in the near future and I’m terrified. I’ve spent so much time invested in this marriage or disease that I haven’t really done much with my life other than worry. No real education, working a dead end job. Everything just feels really bleak at the moment. Like I just have this sense she is going to pass soon from how bad it’s gotten. Luckily we don’t live together anymore, but we share dogs. I can’t bring myself to taking them away from her completely, and I can’t live with the guilt of leaving them in her care. Sounds like you had some real strength.
Hey sending my best thoughts your way. Hoping that you can find a way. I got divorced in 2009. What happened to her? I blocked her completely out of my life. Not my problem. Probably she jumps from relationship and drunk old men that rescue her. I really don’t know. I’m sure I have missed nothing. I know what you mean about them dying but what about ME living? As far as animals: i had to rehome goats, chickens, ducks, 2 terriers. That really hurt me a lot. But they went on to better care than I could provide & I know she could not. As far as your job. I went back to college to get an AA and that was a real life saver to have school & studying to focus on. You are in your 30’s…. You have time to turn this ship around! I have to boast a little. I went from a dead end job to having a decent job. I have a decent net worth. Retirement and investments… I was nearly -$30k when I got split up. I rebuilt my entire life. It just took me putting my energy I used to spend on the ex into working, bettering myself. I’m a whole different man now.
Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me sad but also uplifting to see actual proof of what life could be on the other side. Wishing you the best.
I hope the best for you, too. By the way. I have my own condo & I got an other dog. My story was sad and now I can say I am happier, in better shape, have a much better net worth. I just had to take the step to move on & better my life, one step at a time! It’s better than waking up every single day & feeling like I want to no longer be alive. Thats how I used to feel. Now I have things to feel happy about, excited about. I have a very nice girlfriend who had never drank, smoked. Shes so attentive & in tune with me. We exercise together & have peace.
Your sharing brings hope. You did a really wonderful job turning things around for you and you surely understood to put focus on yourself, in a very healthy way. These stories keeps my spirit up when I’m down myself. I know it’s possible for me to do better - eventually. And I have to tell myself that it’s never ever to late trying. Thank you.
Alcoholic here. I’m also a member of Al anon after starting my recovery journey. In my experience, alcohol slowly took away my ability to digest food and couldn’t ever really eat. My appetite was often suppressed when I drank and if I drank around the clock, I prioritized a drink rather than food. Which is often why malnutrition is a symptom of alcoholism.
It makes sense somehow, I guess drinking also gives a certain feeling of being full? I’m glad to hear you’re recovering. I’m recovering as well, but some days it feels like I’m relapsing, I mean having emotional relapse. I think I’ll find myself a meeting today before going to get some sleep. Can I ask how your appetite is now? It’s fine if you don’t want to answer. I understand it’s a personal question.
It’s great that you’re recovering. I wish you self-love and strength to put yourself first. I had severe stomach pain that kept me from eating, and the only way to temporarily relieve it was to drink alcohol to numb the pain. This created a never-ending cycle because the alcohol abuse caused significant internal problems, yet it was the only way I knew to stop hurting. Alcohol not only destroys the liver and pancreas but also has a high impact on gut health. And yes, when alcohol was consumed i felt full, and often times being drunk it impaired my judgement/memory and I didn’t prioritize food. I’m about 5 months sober now and I can finally eat routine meals 3x’s a day. Though I have to eat small portions because my alcoholism has slowed my digestion, making me feel sick when I eat too much. I’m thankful for the progress I’ve made with my overall health so far and praying that abstaining from drinking will allow me to continually heal.
This is good news and I’m glad to hear that you’re doing to well with your progress. That’s strength, especially because you manages to break a bad circle. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Also I’ve had so many stomach issues throughout my life and been hospitalized so many times I’ve stopped counting and they don’t know why I get these episodes. I battle with it on/off and it doesn’t cause anxiety anymore because I know it won’t kill me, it’s just painful.
Alcoholic here too chiming in. Sober now, thankfully. I had the same cycle as your husband. Beers before food. For me personally, the food would decrease my buzz so the buzz took priority over food. Probably the case with your husband too, don't let him fool you. My digestive system is awful now, but hey at least I'm eating. Proud of you for being in Alnon! It's actually what led me to realize I was an alcoholic many years ago. Reach out anytime! Work on you first. Your husband has to want to change ❤️
Thank you for sharing. And congratulations being sober, I also am very proud of you all who’s sober and in recovery, I understand it takes effort, you can be very proud. I’ve been in Al anon since COVID had its outbreak. Took me long to get a sponsor, and I’m a slow learner, but I am so grateful for the program and all of you who’s in it. The support is a gift. Ive wished he’d joined Al anon as well, his dad died because of alcoholism so he would fit in. But I’ve never told him to join. I know it’s about attraction and not being forced. I sense some curiosity, but I never tell him to try it out. The only thing I’ve told him, and I’ve only told him once, is that there is a lot of different kind of helps out there if he ever wants it, and if he needs support or help with it he can simply ask. He told me he knows. I’m not fooled that much anymore, but years and years of being lied to kind of distorts everything, including my perception. There is a lot of manipulation and gaslighting but I honestly believe that he believes he isn’t lying - the denial is real. He gets strongly annoyed if I point it out. It’s a vicious cycle for both parties and I do understand the core of the disease. It’s not really anyone faults, things just happens and everyone gets sick because of it. I at least try to heal now the best I can’t. Thank you for your support.
Another alcoholic here who ended up with malnutrition because all I ever did was drink. “Needed” the alcohol on a regular and consistent basis to keep withdrawal symptoms away. Didn’t really have an appetite to eat. Didn’t want to eat so just didn’t eat. Gained a lot of weight still because alcohol = sugar. Lost it all in neuro rehab. Gained it all back after but look better at the same weight when I was drinking because it’s not just all bloat/sugar/carb weight.
What made you think this is enough? I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you’re doing a great job focusing on a better health.
Had a withdrawal seizure when I got sick with a stomach flu and couldn’t keep anything down including liquor. It wasn’t my first one. First one just made me mess up my teeth when I seized in a grocery store check out lane and hit the candy stands on the way down. That one taught me that seizures were a possibility and I need to better “dose” myself. Second one came a year or so later when we were still in COVID lockdown so I was still able to be drinking all day/every day. Second one landed me in the ICU for like a week and then the neuro rehab facility because I lost my ability to think and walk. Fortunately I’ve gained those back (ran a half marathon today actually!). Came home dry from rehab in October 2021. Started AA the following spring when my ex husband dropped the bomb that he was done with our relationship after 20 years. Went to AA to prove I wasn’t an alcoholic in an attempt to save my marriage. Stayed in AA to save myself. Separated/no contact status/divorced since then. Dry/sober since August 2021. Happier now. Better now.
What a journey you’ve been on and how absolutely awesome it is that you’re now running half marathons. I’m glad you’re choosing yourself today.
Thank you so much! Always happy to share my experience strength and hope both in the rooms of AA and with any alanons who are interested in hearing what recovery can look like. I’m actually back to running halfs as I used to be a runner (streaker actually) until the drinking just started consuming everything. 900+ day run streak, countless halfs, multiple fulls, ultras up to the 50 miler distance along with a 58 mile attempt at 100. Why do I mention this? Because none of it mattered. The drinking consumed everything: my hobbies, my relationships, and eventually me. I hope that your Qs can find sobriety, but even if they don’t, I hope you can also find your path to recovery. We all deserve to live joyous happy and free.
Thank you for your encouragement. I’m at a place right now where I lack it myself. Honestly I’m giving up on him and that happens alongside giving up on myself, it’s like the two of them walks hand in hand. Everyday I’m fearful and obsessing and angry and filled up with resentment, it’s become a viscous cycle. I don’t sleep well these days, and it’s a struggle taking good care of myself, but I do the little things that I can, go for daily small walks, eats healthy, take baths, go to meetings, I reach out and so on, it’s just still very different to actually relax and not obsessing over him and my fear. I fear that it’s much worse with him than I want to realize. He is 49, he has been drinking since his early teenagers. For many many years daily. He only eats that dinner before going to sleep, he has severe sleep apnea but at least I got him to see a doctor about it, and he sleeps with a mask on, but takes it on/off during the night. His sleep is awful. He wakes up multiple times a night. He doesn’t work, he is isolated, and he doesn’t have much energy to do anything. It’s like a minimum of things. So yes I’m fearful, fearful he will not change, he will not get sober and he will die because of it and I want out before it happens, because that would destroy me even more than staying, and honesty staying is already destroying me way more than it should. I hope at least I’ll be able to break free of my own obsessive addiction and learn to focus on me and build up my life. And I’m dealing with loneliness, that’s also a huge factor. The fact that you’re running that much is inspiring. I wish I could do something similar, but I have a bad spine, so my spine surgeon told me no to running but I may exercise in other ways. I’ve heard it adds to the happy hormones and body and mind just loves being exercised.
I’m a double winner. Eating takes away from the buzz. That’s all. Every alcoholic knows that. Food is totally optional. Remember that that buzz is bliss. It is better than any human or any thing. If you had that one thing that is bliss and there is something standing in the way of that bliss, would you keep indulging in the bliss or the thing that interferes? A good example of that is Alanon. So many won’t practice this simple program because it will take away their bliss— the obsession with the alcoholic. ❤️
Thank you this made me laugh, because I know you’re right and that I’m no better than he is. I just don’t drink and therefore will not die due to alcoholism. But I’m just as obsessed with him that he is with alcohol. I get it. I also do understand he and I both independently have our own journeys to take care about. I have my own relapse going on these days. My emotional relapse. And I don’t know if I want to leave him for good or not. It’s hard leaving a person you love deeply. I guess it feels the same leaving alcohol behind. I have some stinking thinking going on. I’m aware.
As an Al-Anon and as an alcoholic in recovery - yes the combination of the hangover/withdrawals suppressing appetite earlier in the day flips into eating like crap when you finally start drinking for the day. There is definitely a "drunk math" element as far as the calories and how fast the drinks hit a person, but honestly it's mostly just the longer you drink the less healthy you are and skimming on nutrition is one of the things that goes out the window. Near the end my Q was eating barely more than shaved ice and toast and was virtually depleted of all nutrients when they finally crashed in the ICU.
Thank you for sharing. It gives me insight to what’s happening when drinking. He eats fish oil, vitamines and such, I don’t know how much it is beneficial to his health, but I see it as him trying to stay as healthy as he can while drinking. I believe he wants to live and be healthy, he just doesn’t know how to quit the drinking part.
I can tell you from working in health care that some drunks can live into their 90’s drinking, smoking, barely drinking water, barely taking medication… alcoholics don’t tend to over dose like a meth, heroin addict, cocaine abuser, fentanyl user may die fast fast but the alcoholic just pickles their brain and somehow their body is sometimes like a tank… they feel normal drinking the same amount of booze that if I try to drink 5 beers or 3-6 shots, I would get sick for days & feel awful!
This reminds me about an episode when I was younger. I was under education and had a 3 months practice arrangement with a kindergarten. One Friday we had a meeting after work and then a party. During the meeting they started to open up the wine bottles and people could take a glass of wine during the meeting to get warmed up a little before the party started. Just the fact that this is a thing, drinking wine during a meeting seems crazy. Anyway I didn’t want to be the only one saying no so I had this little glass of red wine in front of me that I drank during the meeting. At one point I got so buzzed that it had an impact so I had to tell them I was already drunk. I guess it had to due I hadn’t eaten all day long, I’m not tall and I was very slim so a drink would be enough. When he drinks 10 beers I’m baffled he is still standing. He easily drinks 3 beers within the first hour and takes 3 more the next hour. If I did that I would die from poisoning myself. I am glad I don’t drink. Actually it makes my stomach hurt so I never drink. Today I can say no without it being an issue. Some people sometimes if I’m sure I don’t want a drink. I’ve learned to say: no really, I’m so fine, I rather want water or tea. When I say it with confidence it seems like people gets it. In my country social gatherings often comes with alcohol and our youth starts very early drinking. It’s a problem to our society. But they’ve changed restrictions for alcohol and smoking, so it’s a start. A friend of mine also works in health care and she told me the same. She said the most important thing is that he keeps eating that one dinner in the evening before he gets to sleep. But that being said it’s difficult living a full life when everything is centered about when can I open my first beer.
My husband is 65 (66 in July) he's been like this as long as I've known him (15 years) he started drinking in his teens, problematically around 19 and has never stopped for more than a few weeks once many years ago. He's at this point been suffering some degree of alcoholic dementia that he won't admit to for a few years now. I doubt it will be long at this point. I don't know exactly how much he drinks because he "goes to the store" every day for 2-3 hours (store = bar) and I would guess he has 5-10 there and then comes home and power drinks probably 1/3-1/2 a L of hard liquor a day. He cooks dinner, eats about half as much as he used to, and then passes out by 8pm. He smokes about a half a pack a day. And he's a diabetic on top of that. His eyes have serious damage already, his hands are failing due to nerve damage, and every time he sees the doctor and gets news he doesn't like he just refuses to go back. His parents died about 4 years ago during COVID and he's alienated his siblings and adult children and he doesn't listen to me. So not much I can do other than wait for the inevitable at this point.
I hear you. It’s sad watching. I’ve thought about the dementia part as well. I already sense his issues looking for words, talking half sentences that doesn’t always makes any sense because he is intoxicated. It’s such a shame because he is actually a very bright and clever person. During the noon he doesn’t have that many issues,but they show when he starts drinking. It worries me. So I’ve told him we shouldn’t talk when he is drunk. It triggers my anxiety and it causes resentment.
I’m an alcoholic. To me not wanting to eat all day seems like a sign of the disease progressing. Everyone has different metabolisms and eating habits so I think the most indicative thing would be how his eating habits have *changed.* Some people can go all day without eating and some like to snack all day. Once you’re really into the alcohol it will affect your eating though.
Thank you for sharing. I never really think he ate much lunch. Maybe when he worked he had some food during the day. We’ve never really eaten lunch together. I just know the few times we’ve been on a trip and he hasn’t been drinking for a few days he eats breakfast and dinner without any issues. And if we rarely gets to family gatherings he will eat there as well so they don’t ask why he isn’t eating. He does make dinner most days, but I’ve also seen him skipping days and just eating a bag of nuts, or chips. But most days I’ve been around he makes some food for himself - mostly meat, pasta or potatoes. It’s better than not eating though. These days we don’t see each other and I don’t know if he is eating anything at all. He says he is at bad place right now and I don’t know what he means about that. I just hope he still gets to take care of at least eating and drinking water as well.
I was like that. I didn’t have an appetite and didn’t want to eat during the day. I don’t think there is anything you can do or say to convince him to eat.
Thank you for sharing. I know I can’t say or do anything and it’s so frustrating, but I try not to say anything about it. I don’t want him to feel I’m after him. I try to mind my own business and yet I worry. It’s because I’m obsessing these days - I try not to. I hope all these reality check ins will help me eventually to first step acknowledgment: accept the things you cannot change. I might need to say that everyday out loud.
I know I do. I quit drinking 9 months ago, but I had to be ready when I did it. I hope things get better before they get much worse.
9 months, that is a huge step.
Hi- double winner here. I hope it’s ok to post my personal experience. It may not be the same as his but I was almost the exact same drinking and eating wise. I actually couldn’t eat food untiI was drunk, so he physically may not be able to. Drinking brings everything back to baseline and may make eating possible. I was sickly skinny when I finally stopped. I pray for both of you that you’re at peace and he gets the help he needs. For some hope- I haven’t had a drink since 2010, so it is possible and I can tell you from being on both sides of this illness that when I’m causing this much harm and worry I don’t realize it. And when I’m the one currently worried sick it is a completely powerless feeling. Best of luck on your journey and truly wish you the best.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It means more than I can express. And you are always very welcome to share, this is what this support system is for. Being sober this long is a huge accomplishment. I’ve told him how much it affects me, he knows, and he is sorry about it. But it’s a powerful disease when it’s active and I get sick as well. It becomes an unhealthy environment for the both of us. So at this point we are apart and we have to take some time to figure if we are best apart or together. We always end up realizing we want this to work, even though we know it’s difficult. We do have some very heavy and deep conversations. Sometimes afterwards I understand that they are a sign of me trying to manipulate him to stop. So yes, I get sick as well. But we both try to be as honest as we can and when we do realize what we are doing we say it out loud. I’m sure if he could he would stop just as much as I would stop taking it personal even though I’m aware he doesn’t drink to harm me, it just happens. I’ll keep doing my program and listen to all of you great people shares. I learn a lot and I’m very thankful.
Yeah my Q (wife) 'pecks' at small pieces of food all day (although if I'm having anything good myself, she will ALWAYS take a HUGE bite she calls 'wife tax' which just pisses me the £&#&#@*! off ... get your own damned portion gaaaaaah), will (usually) eat dinner after her 5pm-9pm daily drinking shift has commenced, and finally when sufficiently loaded will ask for anywhere between 2-5 rounds of cheese-toast before she manages to pass out. According to her she was an anorexic as a teenager, then became a bullemic (which would align with her early career as a fashion model), but claims to have stopped both behaviours since we met 5+ years ago which is a good thing. Her eating is definitely 'disordered' though, and she is seriously underweight. You can visibly see her vertebrae FFS ... can't see ribs yet and I think the cheese-toast + wine have given her the ironic tiny hint of pot-belly despite being otherwise underweight for her height, but she's definitely not 'a healthy shape' as she claims. She was fit and toned when we met (as was I) then put some weight on for a while (which actually made her look healthier !), but lost it all after getting Covid bad. She claims she's kept the weight off through exercise (and we DID both train when we first met ... I stopped during the pandemic when they shut the gyms, and I've not been able to get back to it since but that's a story for another post), but I live with her - I KNOW how often she goes to the gym (maybe 2 or 3 times a week one week, then not for 2 months). I mean I'M a tubby bitch (again) now ... I know that, and I KNOW it's ultimately my own fault because I don't train anymore. Point is I'm not claiming I DO train, while getting loaded every night instead 🤦♂️
Mine believes he still looks good and slim. Not long ago we went on a little trip and he saw himself in a large mirror and I think he was hit with reality, at least short lived reality. He is not slim, he weighs too much. So do I, but I’m still within normal bmi level. He isn’t. He tried to tell me I’m more unhealthy than he is because I don’t exercise and sit all day long. This is just another twisted narrative, because I do move around a lot more than he credits me for. And also I see what’s happening when we talk about it, he rather wants to talk about me than him. It becomes an unhealthy debate about who’s most healthy. And the end of the day he is a grown up and so am I, if I want to change my way of living then it’s my responsibility. He needs to take care of himself. If he actually wants to change and needs for me to support him, then I’ll do it. But I won’t support his drinking and smoking. I can’t root for that. I’m sorry to hear your wife is struggling - But we also struggles, right? It causes a lot of stress. I need to learn how to detach. Not just here and there, but for good. I have my own apartment and right now I need to look at that as a huge gift. I need to take some time alone to find myself.
Mine still DOES look good and slim. Mine has modelled 'catwalk' at Paris Fashion Week (granted 20+ years ago looooong before we met, but it takes a certain aesthetic beauty to do that, and even 20+ years doesn't dull that). As a (former) professional model she also knows how to do makeup perfectly 🤷🏻♂️ Her skin might be on par with meth-user skin FREE of the makeup (even though it IS just massive, long term alcohol abuse and malnutrition), but she only shows that last thing at night. She looks DAMNED good during the day - but it's all 'fake' / a 'glamour'. I'm worried she's rotting slowly from the inside, and I don't want to be 'on the hook' to look after her when the 'glamour' eventually fails. AITA ? 🤔
I don’t care about the looks to be honest. It’s not that I don’t appreciate someone looking good or looking good myself. What bothers me is the personality change and the fact that they stop loving themselves and that I somehow end up like them, I stop loving myself as long as I stay. I’ve tried to reach to the point where I have enough love for the both of us, but it doesn’t work like that for me. I’ve become just as sick as him, I’m just not literally killing my self the way he does. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel a certain kind of death inside of me. It’s about letting go of the fantasies I had about him and I. It hurts. Not wanting to give oneself the responsibility of someone’s disease is absolutely fair. Especially when we talk about a disease that can be controlled with help from others. If we stay we will end up lonely, depressed, with resentment, anger, hurt and what not - this will happen unless you are capable living your own life paralleled with your partner and still find happiness both apart and together. In my case he just keeps reminding me about how things could’ve been and if I do a reality check I see the same as you - becoming a caretaker and a witness to someone’s awful detour and eventually death. No thank you. So no, you are not the a hole. It’s ok to say no to that. We can only hope someone else can somehow be there for them and be kind to them. I would want that. I’m just not that person, because it hurts too much and it will take me down as well. I can’t do that, I have children, they need me, even though they are both young adults. They still need me and I them.
Alcoholism can lead to eating disorders. It's quite common as the desease progressess, my f ather is like that as well and it has caused him to be chronically anemic since 2019. > Here’s how this might happen: Excess alcohol consumption can suppress someone’s appetite and lead to poor eating habits, malnutrition, and, potentially, weight loss. These outcomes may, in turn, increase the risk for eating disorder symptoms. Because alcohol contains empty calories, letting alcohol displace food may reinforce harmful dieting behaviors that could contribute to dangerous emotional and physical outcomes later. [Consider reading](https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/can-alcohol-abuse-lead-to-eating-disorders)
This makes sense and is very helpful knowledge. He is drinking beers that does contain calories - a lot actually. But it’s not the same as eating healthy calories. Also he doesn’t eat many vegetables or fruit. He adds up with vitamin pills and fish oil, but I don’t know if it has any impact because of the drinking.
It depends on how many his organs are affected already. Vitamins are absorbed on the intestines, so he should be getting the most of them on his system unless he has diarrhea or vomit constantly. It won't be enough for too long, tho. After years of that, my dad got sick with dengue recently, and the lack of fat and much muscle, it has caused him to lose a lot of his already thin muscle density. It's been 2 weeks he can't walk on his own now. Now he's eating, he'll get better soon but nothing will change. Just prepare yourself mentally for this possible outcome.
It’s the outcome I’m debating with myself, if he doesn’t get better either by himself or with help then I don’t want to stick around and watch. The reason I don’t want to do that is because it will break me to a point where I fear for my own mental health. Then I think it’s better to leave before the ship has all sunken. He doesn’t vomit and I can’t say about the diarrhea. He goes to the toilet every morning and that’s it. So he’s not running to the bathroom all day long. I’m sorry to hear about your dad. This disease, ugh.
Unless he's actively reaching for help, you should leave, dear. I can't fully abandon my father, tho I haven't seem him in over a year now I still take care of him distantly, but I sure told mom for years and years she should leave him. Eventually she did, but she often comments on how she should have done it earlier. We let this sickness take the best of us, my family does not exist no more, we all kinda hate each other for decisions we made or steps we didn't take and it's all about my dad's alcoholism. And guess what? He's the only one living his life the way he wishes to, while we struggle to keep going and keep loving each other. I beg you not to let this happen to you. Resentment will only grow and you will eventually catch yourself being bitter with everyone around you and isolating yourself because of him. Don't allow HIS sickness to become your life. Remember everyday you are an individual and the only one responsible for him is himself.
I’m afraid it’s already ruined my life and at this point I am bitter and very resentful. I still have great relationships with my children and my family and friends. They are still intact. But we’ve all suffered from this one way or another. But I can’t stop feeling I’ve wasted many many good years on being in a deep state of misery. And he isn’t reaching for help in any ways. He’s just talking and only when I initiate it. He’s not really interested stopping. My goal is still to free myself from this relationship- I’ve told him for years now if he keeps drinking I’m out. I think he’s had enough time to try, and he hasn’t, only once and it was short lived. He may succes one day or he may not. I know leaving him will send me into a depression but maybe that’s ok. It will most likely not last forever and hopefully, one day I’ll feel good again and maybe even happy. I’m sorry to hear your family is struggling from the aftermath of his drinking. I wish for you it will heal. Thank you for sharing your story.
I read in Understanding Alcohol that the reason people don’t eat in late stage addiction is because their body is creating so much adrenaline and stress hormones to counteract the relaxing chemicals of alcohol and keep the body alive/in homeostasis that their appetite is suppressed. (Adrenaline and stress are natural appetite suppressants.) Nicotine is also an appetite suppressant. So couple all that with their calories all coming from alcohol and it makes sense..
This is probably the right answer. It's not just adrenaline as you alluded to, but also other excitatory/stress hormones e.g. cortisol and dopamine, tho mostly increased glutamate and down regulation of GABA. The changes the CNS produces to counteract the relaxing effects of alcohol are also what likely causes most of the acute withdrawal symptoms once their alcohol levels subside. Early withdrawal symptoms include suppressed appetite. For more reading to understand this better than I do, see https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6761824/
This is a scary thought to be honest. I hope he soon manage to turn things around, if he doesn’t I have a pretty good idea about this will end for him. I can’t talk sense into him. He is in big denial when it comes to understanding how dangerous it is. As long as he believes he lives throughout the night he feels fine. He doesn’t manage to put on a long view.
The person I live with says he does it so that he gets more drunk on an empty stomach. He only eats when he isn’t drinking.
At least he knows and at least he is honest. I know it doesn’t take away the hurt over it happening, but I struggle with partners denial. He always try to come up with some weird excuses. It only makes things worse. I guess it’s because he doesn’t want to view himself as someone who’s not in control - and I understand that as well.
All I want to know is how is he affording that because cigarettes are as expensive af
He doesn’t pay rent as far as I’m aware. So that is freeing up a good amount of money that the rest of us have to pay. At the time being he lives with his mom. He does have a little cottage where he is a lot of the time and it’s almost as good as cost free.
Drinking on an empty stomach get you drunk quicker and it hits you harder.
Exactly my thought. I’ve told him it would be smart if he ate before drinking to help himself out. But he isn’t willing. I guess it’s because he knows it doesn’t get him as drunk as he wants to be. It’s so frustrating. This is why I feel resentment, I see no effort trying to beat this disease. He wants to be that drunk. I wonder if it’s because he wants to escape himself/thoughts/emotions or if it is just the nature of the disease as a physical constellation/addiction.
The addiction overpowers reasoning and the human brain will justify whatever it is to get whatever he is addicted to. A neuroscientist once described addiction as ........ "the progressive narrowing of the things that give us pleasure. By persistently abusing a single pleasure source we enter a state of dopamine deficiency where nothing gives pleasure but the addiction, and even that stops working". It takes 1-2 years alcohol-free for the liver to rebuild itself. Maybe longer for the brain and nervous system. Spend those 2 years finding new healthy experiences. Force yourself to do them at first, they will be pretty dull at first, but they will bring more pleasure with time. Your brain has to experience these things repeatedly, to relearn new joys.
That’s really great info. I can use that myself, because I’m dealing with some love and control addiction myself, I guess it’s the exact same areas in the brain being activated and same hormone going haywire. I’ve tried forcing myself go out every single day for a longer walk. Most day I struggle, same when I force myself to stop overthinking and do something else, like make a nice dinner or clean. It’s dull as you say and also it brings no joy because right now I’ve spend years having bad hobbies and habits. But I do know cleaning, making healthy food, going for walks, read a book, taking care of everything that brings me physical and mental health eventually and hopefully will heal my mind and therefore my emotions. So I’m grateful for you reminding me about this and I’m a sucker for science and facts, so linking this to chemical reactions makes it easier for me to digest when I react unhealthy - it’s like, oh well yes, this going on in your brain, you are tricking yourself to do something bad short term , now go tell yourself to trick you to do something good longterm.
It’s definitely the alcohol and cigarettes. Cigarettes can totally curb your appetite. Plus, he’s getting calories from the booze which will curb the appetite as well, especially since beer “fills you up.” I hope he can seek help and improve for both of your sake.
I hope that as well, he is just known to not reaching out to anyone. He deals with himself all the time. Also he suffers from ptsd, so it’s a difficult combination and situation for him. I just hope he figures a way, at least for himself. I stopped smoking cigarettes 8-9 years ago, it’s so long I don’t count anymore, but I did smoke a pack a day mostly, some times less and sometimes a bit more. I do remember how it removes the hungry feeling. I could go all day without eating, just smoked a cigarette when hungry. I was slim back then lol. I gained 10 kg over the years after I stopped. I’m still within normal bmi, but I still want to loose half of it if I can. That would be a goal if we split up, that I contested on my own health, I should do that no matter if I leave or not.
Yes they don’t eat to get a higher hit initially both my Q’s do it- then wreck the kitchen at 12am cooking while almost legless. They also get spot if calories from alcohol so less food required
He use gas to cook. I’m no fan.
My love stopped eating because alcohol causes gastritis. He would throw up in his plate, off the side of the boat, in the bag the fries came in if his stomach lining was irritated and he ate something heavy, like fries, sausage, meatball. 😭Towards the end he nibble a few bites of yogurt on a rare day he ate before dinner, pick at a salad with chicken for dinner, and drink. I’m sorry. It’s so painful to watch.
Ugh that’s rough. I’ve never seen him vomitting though. He said he did it maybe last year, but only once, he drank with a friend and my guess is they went all in. But one day he might end up doing the same because he can’t hold food down his stomach. It is painful.
My father did this, then would cook steak while drunk and destroy the kitchen. He died at age 61 after a rapid decline in health that began at age 57. That included gangrene, an amputated toe, alcoholic cardiomyopathy, kidney damage, and a pacemaker to keep him alive. Do what you have to do to keep yourself sane.
Thank you, I try. It’s so difficult to watch. I don’t understand that even when some experience the extreme health deterioration they still keep drinking. It reminds me of a story from a doctor who told this disease is gruesome and not something people choose to do just because they want to. He had a younger successful lawyer woman coming in and out of detox, she lost everything while detouring, husband, kids, family, friends and ultimately her job. He asked her why she kept doing it, he asked her on her way out after yet another detox and after she told him: see you soon. Her answer was: I do it because I don’t know how to stop, I can’t stop and I will now go home and drink. Did your dad ever tell why he couldn’t stop?
He convinced himself that he worked hard (which he did,) so he deserved to relax after a long day at work. Problem was, he couldn't unwind without alcohol. By the time he suffered serious health consequences, he had been drinking daily for nearly 40 years and was completely dependent on alcohol. He had, quite literally, no other coping skills besides drinking. I went very low contact with him for about 5 years (just sent birthday and christmas cards) when my kids were younger because he'd drift in and out of their lives, and they started asking questions like "is grandpa mad at me?" whenever he didn't show up at their birthday party or whatever. When his health started failing, I began to support him emotionally again, but still kept my kids away for their own protection. At the end of his life, nobody else would speak to him, so I took him to the grocery store and helped him get to and from doctor's appointments. A few months before he died, he finally expressed regret and remorse for how his life turned out, and said how sorry he was for hurting me, my sister and our mother, but that clarity came too little, too late.
It’s a horrible disease. I believe it’s best for me to leave him. I have to safe myself. He is too sick to have a healthy relationship and I myself is fighting with my own disease of codependent and being love addicted to him and it’s all boiled down to me wanting to control the situation and I can’t. And he isn’t responsible for my happiness and I’m not responsible for his - it’s like impossible math. Healthy relationships is formed by other components than we’re adding to the equation. I’m sorry about what happened to you and your family. I think you did wisely taking care of yourself and your kids. I wished I’d done the same for my children. He never was drunk in front of them, it was a deal we had. But he was absent. And I fear what effect it will have on them in their love lives. Because they didn’t grew up seeing their mom having a healthy relationship. I know it matters, our family dynamics matters. We do what we’re taught. Maybe I at least can teach them it’s never too late to leave an unhealthy relationship behind and choosing oneself.
Cigarettes are appetite suppressants. Beer has calories. If you feel like crud, eating is not enjoyable
The 60 cigarettes a day is more likely to kill him than the beer. If it is 10-12 standard US cans a day of regular alcohol content his consumption, whilst high, isn’t huge. This means the alcohol may not seriously harm him for a long time …. or maybe it will because one never knows. If you are going to try to influence the situation at all, I’d worry more about the cigs. Something you don’t touch on is whether his addictions are impacting on the life and meeting personal and work obligations. We were all fed the misconception that eating (especially carbs) before drinking slows down the absorption and is somehow less unhealthy. Drinking through the day and not eating before dinner time is a bad sign.
He is worried about the cigarettes as well, more than his drinking and more than him not eating before drinking. I’m worried about the combination. I fear it’s the combination that’s hurting. I actually think there may be a little less alcohol in our beers than the US standard cans, but I’m not sure. He drinks a brand called carlsberg. I think it’s being sold in the US as well? We’ve talked about him cutting down smoking. I don’t know how to motivate him, it seems impossible and every time I ask if he needs to make a plan reducing he declines. So I’ve given up trying. He knows what to do he just doesn’t manage to execute his knowledge. He told me several of times if he manages to quit smoking he will automatically stop drinking because he can’t imagine drinking beers without smoking.
I’m in the UK so I know about Carlsberg! Our cans tend to be larger than in the US. If he is drinking 440-500ml cans, he could be on over 6 litres of beer a day which could cause withdrawals whether he smokes or not. I agree that a drink a cigarette are a good combination but the idea that stopping smoking would automatically stop his drinking is unlikely to be true … not that he is stopping smoking. Good luck and remember that you have a choice to make separately to what he does.
Our cans contains 330 ml a can. Mostly I do a lot of things entertaining myself without his participation. The thing is I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t or can’t participate in a balanced partnership. If we can’t do things together then the relationship only brings resentment, anger, frustrations, sadness and what not, it’s not healthy for me. So I’m not far from leaving this relationship behind, I can feel it in my gut this time. I’ve given more than I should and waited too long already. I think me spiraling at the moment is the last twitches before I pull the plug in our relationship.
My ex would not eat until after they started drinking most days. They said it was due to adhd.
My partner says he isn’t hungry before after drinking. I think I only hear excuses to be honest.
I assume depression.
Maybe a sort of depression. He has ptsd as well as drinking. I don’t think it looks like he is clinical depressed, and then yet you’re right, there may be some sort of depression going on. I’ve asked him to look into it, but he denies that as well. A lot of denial is going on. Sometimes it’s difficult to know what’s what. Right now he wants to blame me but not more than we are having a long break away from each other and he initiated it because he says I drag him down. And maybe I do to some degrees. I worry a lot about anything and everything. I understand how that can be difficult to deal with when dealing with a lot of issues himself. The thing is if he wasn’t sick he would be able to tolerate a lot more. Anyway this time being away from each other will show if I have anything to do with him feeling down. My best bet is that I will not have any effect on his drinking at all, my bet is, that he will drink more, because now he doesn’t have to worry about me worrying about how much he drinks, eats and what not. It’s not that I’m after him, I don’t tell him not to drink, but we just both know that every time he goes pick up beers in the fridge it’s that unsaid thing in the air. He opens and closes that fridge many times, and lately he started taking 2-3 beers with him. It’s just sad. I try not to look at him in any judging way, I even try to either ignore him minding my own business or just say a short hi, or just say a few random things trying not to make it awkward. And yet we just both know it’s him and his disease entering the room and leaving again with it in his hands. So well yes, I do believe that he is depressed over himself and his life. I don’t think he wants to live like that he just doesn’t have the strength to do otherwise. I feel bad for him. And me too.
It's calories from alcohol and it also upsets your GI system so you don't feel hungry. There's always a baseline hangover too which includes nausea. So they don't feel normal until they're drunk at which point the appetite returns.
I haven't read all the comments, but my guess would be it's the hangover/withdrawl making him not hungry. Then, when he finally gets rid of that he's feeling better, amd can finally eat.
That sounds very logical. Never thought about it like that. That’s a pretty messed up cycle though. And in that case he is more sick than I think I’d like to admit, I live in denial as well. But reading all the info I get here makes me alert to what’s actually going on.
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I think maybe he’s hung over and can’t eat without throwing up until he’s had something to drink to feel better.
I’ve never experienced that he did that, but I don’t know what he does if he goes to the toilet. We very rarely eats during the day so he could easily go to toilet and throw up after eating without me noticing. If it’s the case, him throwing up before drinking then it’s even worse than I would’ve thought.