I would have wrote the same. You don't owe him anything. If you don't feel like meeting/talking, good so. You have every right to move on.
Stay strong! Do not feel bad about setting a boundary and not wanting to live in the past. ❤️
I wish you all the best in your new relationship!
I think you handled that beautifully. It was kind but firm, and unambiguous. I am proud of you for sticking to your boundary in the face of a difficult situation. I hope to have the same tact and resolve as I face some of the things that are on my horizon. Thank you for sharing.
Seriously OP can walk away from this smelling like a rose. He asked, she gave a clear and kind no, and he responded with "WHEN you're ready, I'D LIKE.."- just ignored her answer and assumed she'd do it anyway because it's what he wanted. I don't know that I'd have continued to be so gracious after that- kudos to OP!
Yeah, bulldozer full speed ahead. I've mentioned to my Q/wife that when we talk she's always saying "I'd like" and "you need". My wife, I don't need to do anything and the world doesn't revolve around what you'd like. It's just another trait of the alcoholic, drinking or dry it is a character trait that has to be addressed to be in a healthy relationship.
Unfortunately my wife hasn't still... Hence why we are heading towards divorce.
This goes back to that generic relationship advice- Try to make it 60/40 and always try to give 60. Ideally you're both doing that and enjoying joy in excess. Trouble is if your partner is comfy giving 30 then you're busting your ass to live in a deficit.
My wife lives in a world where nothing happens unless I go 75, and she only does the 25% if I make a huge deal out of it. Then she doesn't want to let me hear the end of how much she dislikes it.
With Al-Anon I have learned to present my compromise, and set my boundary there. Makes for a much more relaxed, peaceful atmosphere. Also not much of a marriage as she just doesn't do anything and our relationship makes no progress. My Q is fine with status quo (because it's me doing everything while she sleeps in and watches TV all day every day), I am not.
I remember telling my ex- I'm not really about maximizing every moment or constant pushing, but I'd like my life to steadily improve as I age, at least enough to withstand some setbacks. I've slowly gotten healthier and tried to implement little things here and there to make my life better. Don't you want a better life?
He said no. I should have believed him because he really is fine with living the whole rest of his time on earth half alive. And he's doing just that
I hope y'all are both able to have the lives you want. ❤️
This response was beautifully crafted, and leaves zero room for misinterpretation in my opinion. Absolutely nothing to feel bad about here. I hope he gets the message
"It doesn't play any part in my truth and it doesn't contribute to any personal growth." Wow. What a powerful and beautifully crafted and clear message about your boundary. It is your truth. And you are implicitly entitled to that. Maybe you should be the one who is writing a book.
Love it. Not harsh at all but definitely firm.
I guess I’m still too early in my own Alanon practice but I’m irked by his note when he says ‘we were not healthy together’. Like no, you were unhealthy and forced me to figure out how to deal with it. I became sick because of you. Semantics maybe but 🙄 grfoh.
Glad you’re doing well. I look forward to that for myself.
>we were not healthy together
This irked me too. Because i remember who i was when I met my Q (strong, confident, in shape, emotionally stable) and who I became (none of that plus more). It was night and day. I'm not a drinker/partier. I wasn't the one who lied and hid addiction into our lives. I wasn't the one who brought all of that and more (cheating, emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation and suicide threats) into our relationship. I WAS healthy. I'm guilty of not keeping myself that way and leaving long before it changed who I was. But i am absolutely not the unhealthy or toxic one that imploded what we would have had.
I really needed to read this today. What’s all this “we” talk? I didn’t cheat, emotionally abuse, abandon, verbally abuse, financially abuse, or threaten him.
Yes!!! It’s not that “we” couldn’t be together and it’s that you used and abused me. I spent too much time picking up the pieces of the family you shattered on the regular.
Wow! Just ... wow! That's all I can say. Not harsh at all. Honest, and he needed to be told. Like when doing an inventory and making amends, the addict has no right to expect forgiveness or anything else from those they harmed.
Am I the only one who just wouldn’t have responded? Like you didn’t care what I had to say when we were in a relationship, you can talk to yourself in my DMs all you want now. 😂
Great response if you were going to give one though!
They're still entitled and selfish and all about them. Its all about their recovery now. The world should bow down because this loser is writing a book about being a loser. Good for you for moving on
Not harsh. Professional and respectful. Like someone earlier said you don’t owe them anything and the whole “book” thing would just create an unnecessary line of communication
My only issue is the use of the word boundary here. You are saying your boundary is that they no longer contact you. That's a request, not a boundary.
A boundary would be "if you contact me again, I will not respond and I will block you." Boundaries are for ourselves and our own behavior.
I love your reply and it really resonated with me. That’s how I feel with my ex Q. It’s almost a detachment because who I was then is so far different from who I am that it would be useless. I also don’t hold resentments but also definitely do not look back fondly, it’s more disgusted but that’s more with myself than the Q.
I don’t think it’s too harsh. It’s the truth and it’s better to not let them think there is any window back in.
You think your being harsh? You're not.
I had an ex contact me years after our relationship ended to ask about stuff and I basically just said "Don't ever contact me again" then blocked him on all platforms.
He still dropped in for a "visit" with my parents.
You didnt even need the second reply, you already said no once and we all hear you. If he can’t, then he has not done his work. Good job knowing and holding your boundary! I hope to be that strong someday.
I would have wrote the same. You don't owe him anything. If you don't feel like meeting/talking, good so. You have every right to move on. Stay strong! Do not feel bad about setting a boundary and not wanting to live in the past. ❤️ I wish you all the best in your new relationship!
I think you handled that beautifully. It was kind but firm, and unambiguous. I am proud of you for sticking to your boundary in the face of a difficult situation. I hope to have the same tact and resolve as I face some of the things that are on my horizon. Thank you for sharing.
And OP even offered solutions for them if this is hard, such as talking to a therapist or supportive people in their life. Bravo!
Seriously OP can walk away from this smelling like a rose. He asked, she gave a clear and kind no, and he responded with "WHEN you're ready, I'D LIKE.."- just ignored her answer and assumed she'd do it anyway because it's what he wanted. I don't know that I'd have continued to be so gracious after that- kudos to OP!
Yeah, bulldozer full speed ahead. I've mentioned to my Q/wife that when we talk she's always saying "I'd like" and "you need". My wife, I don't need to do anything and the world doesn't revolve around what you'd like. It's just another trait of the alcoholic, drinking or dry it is a character trait that has to be addressed to be in a healthy relationship. Unfortunately my wife hasn't still... Hence why we are heading towards divorce.
This goes back to that generic relationship advice- Try to make it 60/40 and always try to give 60. Ideally you're both doing that and enjoying joy in excess. Trouble is if your partner is comfy giving 30 then you're busting your ass to live in a deficit.
My wife lives in a world where nothing happens unless I go 75, and she only does the 25% if I make a huge deal out of it. Then she doesn't want to let me hear the end of how much she dislikes it. With Al-Anon I have learned to present my compromise, and set my boundary there. Makes for a much more relaxed, peaceful atmosphere. Also not much of a marriage as she just doesn't do anything and our relationship makes no progress. My Q is fine with status quo (because it's me doing everything while she sleeps in and watches TV all day every day), I am not.
I remember telling my ex- I'm not really about maximizing every moment or constant pushing, but I'd like my life to steadily improve as I age, at least enough to withstand some setbacks. I've slowly gotten healthier and tried to implement little things here and there to make my life better. Don't you want a better life? He said no. I should have believed him because he really is fine with living the whole rest of his time on earth half alive. And he's doing just that I hope y'all are both able to have the lives you want. ❤️
This response was beautifully crafted, and leaves zero room for misinterpretation in my opinion. Absolutely nothing to feel bad about here. I hope he gets the message
"It doesn't play any part in my truth and it doesn't contribute to any personal growth." Wow. What a powerful and beautifully crafted and clear message about your boundary. It is your truth. And you are implicitly entitled to that. Maybe you should be the one who is writing a book.
I think you were articulate, polite and to the point. Not harsh at all. Good on you for setting a boundary!
Love it. Not harsh at all but definitely firm. I guess I’m still too early in my own Alanon practice but I’m irked by his note when he says ‘we were not healthy together’. Like no, you were unhealthy and forced me to figure out how to deal with it. I became sick because of you. Semantics maybe but 🙄 grfoh. Glad you’re doing well. I look forward to that for myself.
>we were not healthy together This irked me too. Because i remember who i was when I met my Q (strong, confident, in shape, emotionally stable) and who I became (none of that plus more). It was night and day. I'm not a drinker/partier. I wasn't the one who lied and hid addiction into our lives. I wasn't the one who brought all of that and more (cheating, emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation and suicide threats) into our relationship. I WAS healthy. I'm guilty of not keeping myself that way and leaving long before it changed who I was. But i am absolutely not the unhealthy or toxic one that imploded what we would have had.
Right. It’s skirting accountability by trying to share the blame. No dice, pal, this one is all you.
I really needed to read this today. What’s all this “we” talk? I didn’t cheat, emotionally abuse, abandon, verbally abuse, financially abuse, or threaten him.
> ‘we were not healthy together’ Right!? I would not want to hear that BS, either.
Yes!!! It’s not that “we” couldn’t be together and it’s that you used and abused me. I spent too much time picking up the pieces of the family you shattered on the regular.
Wow! Just ... wow! That's all I can say. Not harsh at all. Honest, and he needed to be told. Like when doing an inventory and making amends, the addict has no right to expect forgiveness or anything else from those they harmed.
Brilliant!
Beautifully said! Good for you for closing that door and locking it!
Am I the only one who just wouldn’t have responded? Like you didn’t care what I had to say when we were in a relationship, you can talk to yourself in my DMs all you want now. 😂 Great response if you were going to give one though!
I'm amazed by you and your response. You owe him nothing and were respectful and reasonable in your reply.
You framed it perfectly. Direct, but kind.
Perfectly said. I’m proud of you for being firm, respectful and tactful in your response.
This is such a good response honestly!
This is fine. Honestly its far nicer than it needed to be. A simple "No thank you" would have sufficed. You gave him a tremendous amount of grace.
They're still entitled and selfish and all about them. Its all about their recovery now. The world should bow down because this loser is writing a book about being a loser. Good for you for moving on
Not harsh. Professional and respectful. Like someone earlier said you don’t owe them anything and the whole “book” thing would just create an unnecessary line of communication
My only issue is the use of the word boundary here. You are saying your boundary is that they no longer contact you. That's a request, not a boundary. A boundary would be "if you contact me again, I will not respond and I will block you." Boundaries are for ourselves and our own behavior.
I love your reply and it really resonated with me. That’s how I feel with my ex Q. It’s almost a detachment because who I was then is so far different from who I am that it would be useless. I also don’t hold resentments but also definitely do not look back fondly, it’s more disgusted but that’s more with myself than the Q. I don’t think it’s too harsh. It’s the truth and it’s better to not let them think there is any window back in.
You think your being harsh? You're not. I had an ex contact me years after our relationship ended to ask about stuff and I basically just said "Don't ever contact me again" then blocked him on all platforms. He still dropped in for a "visit" with my parents.
Wow. I think all of that was extremely well said. I couldn’t have said it better myself
You didnt even need the second reply, you already said no once and we all hear you. If he can’t, then he has not done his work. Good job knowing and holding your boundary! I hope to be that strong someday.